Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date (w/ Eliot Glazer)

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Comedian and writer Eliot Glazer (Broad City, New Girl) returns to the podcast! He shares how a group blind date quickly turned into a one-on-one nightmare with a horrible, drunk Jubilee "celebrity." Plus, Elliot and Nicole talk about what it's like to date an NPC, ask what happened to the whimsy in men's fashion, and discuss learning to be a better gay.Check out Eliot's new book, The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Gay, out Aug 11th.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:• Hers: Sponsored by Hers. Visit forhers.com/dateme to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you.• Hinge: Try Hinge’s new feature, Friend’s Take. Send your link to the group chat and let the people who know you best do the talking.• Audible: Find your next laugh on Audible. Stories that speak to you. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at Audible.com/DATEME• Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at plannedparenthood.org/defend• BetterHelp: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/dateme today to get 10% off your first month.• Squarespace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Check out all of our sponsors and discount codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Chamberlain University belong to something greater, certified to operate by Shev. Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. Why won't you date me? A podcast where Meena Cole Byer was trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could come on my nose and tell me it's a nose ring. My guest today is a comedian and a writer. You know their work from New Girl, Broad City, and I Carly. His new book, The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Gay is out. August is back. It's, oh no. Hey, wait, sit. I'm so sorry I screamed. Put his butt down. Here, down. There we go. Thank you. It's Ellie. Hello. Thank you for having me.

I think I scared your dog by screaming. Yeah, maybe a little bit. He's very non-committ. He can be aloof. Like, he's so sweet. But he can be aloof where, like, you might have freaked him out. But instead of actually leaving, he'll just sit and ignore you. He's very emotional.

It's pretty nuts. That's very funny. Would you say that your dog has taken on traits of you? Yes, 100%. But I've had plenty of people be like, he's so zen. You're so, like, big dipper was like, you're so, you know, you say you're like neurotic. chaotic in your head, but you present with such a calm demeanor. And I'm like, I do, like, I don't feel that way.

But honestly, like, he is a very emotional dog who appears zen. But, like, in private, I see him get really upset with separation anxiety. Like, I see the real Moses. My dog Clyde does not bother me in the morning to go to the bathroom. Yeah. He sleeps as long as I sleep. Yep. When I wake up, he then gets excited.

So does Mo. With my partner, I like, I don't like to, but I bother him a lot. Sure. Because I want attention. Of course. I'll be like, I have something funny to say. Of course you do. Excuse me.

And Clyde is the same way. He'll be like, excuse me, something funny is happening? Would you like to throw my toy and watch me get it? Yeah, I really feel like animals take on the persona of their own words. But he even, he doesn't even, like, there's no rush. You know, when I get up, he's like, he's not like, oh, let's go take a walk. Let's go the bath. He literally just like sleep, like will lay and slay.

But he will just hang until it's time. Like he really is so, I got him. He is like this all the time. So I got him certified as a therapy dog at the children's hospital. Wait, that's so sweet. But why not? And then do you take him to the children's hospital? I do, yeah.

And the kids get to pet him? Yes. But he's like made for the job. Or there's like they have to do it. It's a lot of bureaucracy. It's a lot of testing and preparing online. Then when it comes to the actual test with Moses, he's completely unflappable, so he passes with flying colors.

I'm so proud of him. That's so fucking sweet. Isn't it? Yes. And like, why don't I have a boyfriend when I do that? You know, like, where's my boyfriend? So you're single right now? Yes.

I would love, I mean, all I want is that, like, that meet cute. That's all I want. So you don't want to meet, so you're not on the apps? I'm on the app. Well, I'm not on, like, Tinder or. Hinge. I can't do them. I can't do it. Which one are you on? Just like the hookup apps. Where there is room to meet somebody, you know. Yes. But like for like actual dating, dating, Nicole, when I tell you, I have, I keep an album on my phone of screenshots. Yes. Because there is

a phenomenon among gay men. I don't know if it's L.A. I don't know if it's just Hinge. Yeah. The amount of gay guys who have a hot take to offer about whether pineapples belong on pizza is mind. I read about that where it was like a thing. It never happened to me. I don't know who it. I don't know why it's. It's okay. I think I'm like, is this from, is this like a body dysmorphic thing?

Because there are guys who are like, you know, jacked or whatever. And they're just like, I'm all about the pizza. You know, they're like pizza, tacos, donuts. And I'm like, no, you're not. But no, you're not. You're lying to me. You're absolutely lying. But the pineapple's on pizza.

I mean, I must have it this from when I was on hinge at least over a dozen. Really? Isn't that strange? That is so strange because, as a fat, the salty sweet combination is not revolutionary. Of course not. But me either. I'm just like, who would think of that? Why would that be front of mind and not only front of mind, but you'd put it into your limited amount of high.

of prompts. I genuinely, I'm like, Oh, it's in the prompt. No, it's what so many guys answer as their answer to the prompt is. Oh, oh, I see. I see. Don't ask me about my feelings or like my hot take and I'm like, about pizza? That's funny.

I would take it a step further and be like, don't ask me about ham and vanilla ice cream and pound cake, because that's one of the best combinations. That's a true fact. I'm like letting you know. But wouldn't you, that's like, that's an interesting answer. Like, that's fascinating. And so when you get a glimmer of, like, somebody who's a little different or weird, I would get too involved. I think what you're discovering is this is a mean thing to say.

My friend Tessa hates it. A lot of people are NPCs. NPC. A non-playable character. It's what the kids are calling boring people. Oh, wow. NPCs. It's one of the meanest things when you think about it and the people.

the grand scheme of things where it's like Laura Croft. I don't, I've never played it. And then I don't know if there's other people in it. In Lara, Lara Croft? Yeah, there are other people in it. I don't know. Oh, Grand Theft are villains. Yeah, in Tomb Raider.

But is it, the villains matter? Grand Theft Auto is a better example where it's like you're driving a car and you can like kill a sex worker or like a like a just a person on the side of the street or whatever. Yes. It's like, yeah, that's a non-playable character. But then, but also do you feel like, Like the weirdest version of like reference for non-playable characters is The Office. Like when did that become?

Like the show is so funny. Yes. And like I think anybody could recognize how funny it is, but it's become so mainstream. Yeah. That it feels like it's like the mugs are for NPCs. And I'm. Yes. I'm like, but the show's really good.

I'm so confused by that. I think it's because it plays to so many people that it's become like, generic almost. Yeah. Like it's very funny, but it's generic, funny that it's universally funny. Yes.

And everything now is niche funny. Everything now is niche funny. Yes. But I wish we would go back to the era of the office and put interesting people. Like, I don't want to see people with veneers in like normal settings.

Like I don't want to see a period piece where it's like, so you found Botox on the prairie? Oh, I mean, it is, I mean, honestly, like, I don't, I can't really do reality TV. And I say that, I mean, really, like, it's not me being with an inferiority complex. I just have trouble. I appreciate so deeply early reality TV with regular teeth, regular skin, no glam team,

you know, like, like, Countess Luann and like a coral, you know, scoop neck or something. Like, give me that. Yes. And now everybody's got veneers. They all have the same face. Yes. And they're acting. Yes.

They're acting reality. Which is so wild. And then people are into it. And it honestly boggles my mind because I'm like, but if you know they're acting and they know they're acting, I guess do you just kind of suspend disbelief? You know what's interesting? I feel like that's a trickle-down effect too, the like the pineapple on pizza thing where it's like everyone is trying to reference the same things, not seem too weird, but like also seem a little quirky. Well, that's, and I think that's very millennial. Yeah.

We are guilty of that, like, that moment when, you know, GBT. I did a thing. I did a thing. All the feels. Adalting is so terrible. Oh, God, it's the worst. We are the worst. We're awful.

We're the worst. Do you, I was talking to somebody, but I was, uh, I can't remember who, but do you remember when mustaches were a thing? Oh, shirt, like, like, handle bar-y, like. No, so like people, yes, people did have them, but then there was the tattoo. Oh, this, this, this. There was the glasses with like a hanging mustache. There was T-shirts with moustaches.

I mean, why did we love mustache so much? I mean, I've been looking at, I really am obsessed with, it's called Indy Sleeze. It's on Instagram and it's like an account that basically reposts photos from the early aughts. Yes. Handlebar mustache. Yes. American apparel. Everything.

The shit, like the sort of sapphic shag. Yes. The emo haircut. I kind of miss it. I kind of miss it too. But it's wild. to look at because it's like, huh, because at some point it all veered so far off into, it veered so far into like ironic that it then went bland.

Yeah. Almost ugly. Very ugly. Well, Normcore was like a thing. Yes. Do you think culture has veered that way? You know, okay, so I like read this thing that was like men's fashion has been, like, the whimsy and fun of it has been taken away.

Yeah. Because men didn't want to be seen as. gay or whatever so like it flattened out do you think like like I don't know like transphobia like maybe that's flattened out like men's no maybe Wenswear just never came back I just don't think anybody really I don't think people care enough maybe oh you mean menswear as in like I don't know I was trying to make a really cool point and it just didn't happen I just don't I mean I I I'm always fascinated by like what straight guys wear because I don't I mean I'm doing like I do short shorts and these little

loafers, whatever. So it's like a hint of something interesting. But I can't go full gay where it's like now this sort of, you know, Avril Billy Eilish, like Jankos. You know, like I can't do that because that would be silly and unflattering. But gay guys always, I mean, I think we tend to live in, trying to live in looking flattering. Yeah. You know, having that sexual appeal because that's our currency. But I'm fascinated by like what straight guys choose to wear because when they do wear, shorter shorts and they've adopted that. I'm like, I'm obsessed. I love that for you.

I love that for me. And I love that for you. And I'm proud of you. The nice man in my life wears, what in-seam is that? Oh, these are probably four inches. I think he does have five or a six inseam. Okay. And I was like, summer rolled around and I was like, oh, I thought I was going to have to

teach you. Yes. I thought, because my dad used to wear like shorter shorts and I was always like, he looks great. And then I'd see other dads and I'd be like, why do they look so sloppy? Well, yeah, my dad, I mean, he dresses nicely, but he wears, you know, he wears, I mean, it is funny because at a certain point, it's like, are you wearing capri pants? Like, are you wearing like or nudish shorts? Are you wearing a cul-law?

What's going on there? I do love a cul-law. Love a cul-law. A flowy cul-law. Oh, my God. Wait, Elliot, what are you? Wait, we should take a break. Okay.

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members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com slash date me. I pay all of my guests to be on this show, but sometimes they request to donate their fee instead. And do you know the number one place they ask to donate to? Plan Parenthood. And for good reason, these health centers provide essential sexual and reproductive health care to people who need it the most. They're out there every single day offering affordable birth control, life-saving, answer screenings and STI testing so people can safely take care of their bodies and plan their futures on their own terms. But right now, there is a push in Congress to extend the defunding of Planned Parenthood permanently. And we talk a lot about how messy dating is, but you know what

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Go to planparenhood.org slash defend and give today. So the entire premise of this podcast started as a way for me to learn why I was so single for literally hundreds of episodes. I have shared every messy, wild dating story with all of you. But look at me now. I found the absolute sweetest, nicest man in the world and literally owe it all to Hinge for introducing him to me. Hinge is the dating app designed to be what? deleted. It's genuinely built for finding connection and dating with intention. Setting up my profile felt totally different. I could actually share who I am and have meaningful conversations just

like right out of the gate. I think the thing that sets hinge apart from other dating apps is the prompts. I love those prompts. One of them was, who would you invite to dinner? And I think that's just a It is a simple question, but it's time to get creative. Who would you invite to dinner, George Washington, and ask him some questions about his teeth, you know, that would be interesting, or maybe you invite Nosferatus, and he comes and he's all wild and stuff. Now that I'm off the market, I am completely invested in my single friend's love lives. And that's why I love Hinge's new feature.

Friends take, your besties can now hype you up directly on your profile. This app worked for me. It can work for you. If you're looking to find a nice person in your life and get off the dating market, give it a try. Download Hinge today. And we're back, Elliot. What's the last, when was your last date? Well, Nicole.

Yes. I put myself out there this week. Okay. By trying to go on a, I used a new app that was delivered to me on Instagram and the feed. That was like, we set up group activities. for gay guys at a dinner. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to do this. Oh, it's a dinner where everyone's a stranger.

Yeah. You're like forced to kind of talk to different people. Correct. Okay. And I'm like, I can do this. Is it uncomfortable? Is it, yes, it will be. But I'm going to push myself to do this because I want some semblance of an organic

meeting. Well, well, they were supposed to be six of us. Then there were four of us. Then there were three of us. Oh, no. And then last night at the restaurant, the last guy said, like, I got caught up or something, which I'm also just like, is this AI? Oh, no. Is this a trick?

But there was one guy left. And so it went from being a casual group thing to a date. Yes. And that was, yeah, that was this week. And that was rough. He was there. He was wasted by the time I got there. Oh, no.

And he was really hungry, I guess. Like, did not leave me anything. He housed the bread at an Italian restaurant. Didn't leave me anything. And when he wanted, he wrote down what he wanted on his phone before I got there. What he wanted to eat? Yes. He was that drunk.

He was like, I might forget what I want to eat. I think so. And he really wanted this one appetizer. And when he was so, like, impatient and rude to this, that I was trying to, like, give the waiter. you know, signs that like, I don't know him. I'm not with him. I'm not with him. And he just kept, he was, they didn't have the one appetizer he wanted and he got so mad.

And he was, he berated the waiter and it was so uncomfortable. And then it only got so much worse from there. It got so much worse. May I hear about it? Yeah. I have to like take a drink. Oh no. He got so bad.

Oh no. He was like, do you know what Jubilee is? And I was like, the internet thing? He's like, yeah, what do you think of Jubilee? And I was like, I don't know. I don't think it's, I mean, I understand the point everybody wants to debate. And I can, I guess I can understand the idea that this whole channel is based around like, long, you know, long form debate about topics. I can understand that.

But to me, something about it seems like gross and, like, toxic and not helpful. And he was like, well, I'm a Jubilee celebrity or like, I'm a Jubilee star. And it was like, okay. Why would you set me up to insult? Okay. On what side, though? Well, on the progressive side. Oh, okay.

But he was like, I'm still. Well, I mean, yeah. He's like, I've been on a bunch of times. I'm like, okay. And he's like, I proved that Pierce Morgan has no empathy. I was like, yeah. I think he would have told us that. Yes, I'm like, I don't think you need to prove anything.

Like, if you asked him, he'd be like, no. Yep, that's okay. And he did. He was like, I mean, I watched the video. And it peers is like, the last thing I want to do is acquire empathy. It's like, okay. Well, he said that aloud. And by the way, for better or worse, he's allowed to think that.

Yes. He's allowed. You can't force somebody to be empathetic. Exactly. And so, but this guy was, is a Jubilee guy. He's a Jubilee celebrity. He's a Jubilee celebrity. Oh, my God.

And then guess what his job is? What? Therapist. Therapist I believe the children of the future That is so Wild Yes again

It only got worse From there Because I don't know How he got to this I don't know how He started Describing stuff as ghetto And I was like

I don't know what to do here Like I was I didn't know what to do And that's when I was like What do you That's when I started poking the bear Because I was like What do you mean by ghetto? I don't think I've heard anybody

But he said that since, like, I was a teenager in, like, Caucasia, you know? And he's, like, describing, it was, he was saying everything that basically shy of what you thought, you knew he was saying. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying? Like, where he lived, who he's surrounded by. And I was just like, that's code. You're using code.

Then he went beyond using code because somehow, somehow, and this was not my choice, we got to Israel. And I was like, uh-oh. And he, he was like, oh, because he asked me what my, what background I am. And I was like, well, I'm like, Jewish, New York. This is interesting. He speaks in Jubilee. He's like leading the witness to get to the point he wants to make. Drunken, drunken Jubilee slash bad therapy. Oh my God. But his, when we got to Israel, and I said that I'm like pro, you know, Palestine and like I'm not down with, I'm repulsed by what Israel has done under Netanyahu and the way that it has made Jews look. It's completely complicated things for Jews who have empathy and who want to see Palestinian freedom and to not see a genital. Like, I don't need to explain it to you.

You know what I'm saying. It's all horrendous. and this man then started to berate me about my views and talk about and started talking about Muslims and Islam. And I was like, I couldn't believe it. And he was like, he was drunk, but still he was saying unrepeatable things. Oh, no. And my jaw dropped. And he's sitting there drunkenly eating and telling me what's wrong with Muslims.

And don't I feel, don't I sound ignorant as a Jew who, it was, it was wild. It like went off the rails. And you know what? You know what? If this thing had actually worked and there would be three other people there, I wouldn't have been so freaked out. Yeah. There would be other people to bounce it off of. But I was stuck watching this man who.

looks he looks he looks he looks remarkably eerily like chris kerpatrick from n sync i was like i was looking at chris it was just so odd it was like i was looking and talking to chris it's like the substance happened yes and like young chris kertpatrick is just this awful awful person Well, it explains why he had those braids. Yeah, definitely. But yeah, he was. Elliot, I'm so sorry. That is so wild.

And it's one of those things where I've been on dates. I've also just been in conversations with people where I'm like, I actually can't believe this is happening. I couldn't believe it. Were you kind of freeze? I froze. I can't move. I can't leave.

I couldn't. I was thinking like, do I leave? Like, do I leave now? You know? And how fast do I get the waiter over? I couldn't figure out the logistics of it. Yeah. And it was, yeah, I froze.

I tried to, then I had to decide and, like, sort of deduce in my head whether or not I engage in this conversation because, A, he's drunk. Yes. B, he's so, I mean, his language was, the rhetoric he was using was jaw dropping, jaw-droppingly cruel and stupid and ill-informed. It's also like, even if you engaged in the conversation, it's the same thing with Jubilee. Yes. Engaging with the conversation does not change anyone's opinion. Exactly. You're not doing anything. No, you're just arguing for the sake of arguing.

Correct. And it's like if you said, hey, that's a little offensive. It's not like he'd be like, oh, I guess I'll never say that again. It's like, no, I went on a date with this guy. And he's saying that this is wrong. And then he's saying it to like his little choir that's preaching back to him. And it's like, it's so wild. Well, then you tack on the irony of him.

I mean, he's sort of used. On Jubilee, he's like trying to prove to Pierce Morgan that gender is a spectrum. Mm-hmm. And peers wins. You know, and I'm like, I'm rooting for, I'm not rooting for peers, but peers wins immediately because he's like, he's, this, the guy's a therapist. Yeah. And he's so racist. So, and I was like, so have you, I mean, I wanted to get to the root of this.

I was like, have you, have you dated a Muslim or a Middle Eastern person? He was like, he goes, yes, he goes, and we fought about this. And I'm like, I think you would. I think you would fight about this because you are saying the most unrepentantly racist things about Muslims. I mean, I can't, I don't even want to say the things that he said because they were jaw dropping. Like, jaw dropping to the point where I was genuinely like, do I leave? We can edit this out. Can I just hear it?

Yeah. He was like. Oh my God. He's like, you are a monster. It's really wild because it seems like this person is presenting as like a progressive or like a leftist. He told me he said to me. That's so funny. He's not presenting.

He said it to me. He says, I'm a progressive socialist communist. And I'm like, those don't. Sounds like shit's not adding up. Sounds like he's that meme lady where the numbers are floating in the air. I love her. I love her. Yeah, he said that's what he's saying.

And then in the next breath he's saying, some of the most racist things I've ever heard in my life. Elliot, God bless. I would give up for a while. Yeah. And I had and I really had. Me first, I'd be like, well, and that's a wrap for a little bit. I could have, honestly, I wanted to leave.

But honestly, he was eating food so quickly that I was like, it's not going to be that much longer because he was, he, he, he, we got the food and they barely put it in front of his plate. And he goes, it's so much smaller than I thought. I'm going to definitely have to get dessert. And I was like, okay. But then as soon as it was in like a skillet, and he started eating immediately and goes, oh. He's like, oh, my God, it's so hot. And I was like, yes, yes it is. That's why you don't.

I've been guilty of that, though. I mean, we all have at some point, but he, it was like a hot skillet of pasta. Yes. With cheese on it. So of course it's going to be scalding hot. And he's like, oh. You know, like a violent reaction. I couldn't.

He also didn't. He didn't even, I swear to you, I was like, there is silverware next to you in a napkin. Either he was so drunk or rushing that he didn't use silverware. He scooped everything up with bread. And he ate all the bread. He ate all the fresh bread. He ate all the fresh bread. He ate all the fresh bread.

And the appetizer that he didn't want, that he wanted. Wait, tell me his order. What was his order? His order? Yeah. So he got a bunch of bread. Well, we got the bread for the table. I got a tiny piece and he both the rest.

I would have loved to have a little bit more, but okay. And then he really wanted this appetizer that I think is like sort of like an erinchini, like a rice ball kind of thing. And I was, I mean, I was like, sure, it sounds good. He's like, will you split it with me? I'm like, sure, you know. And also before we even started the food, he was like, we should go to a bar after this. And I was like, no. No, we'll figure that out later.

But he wanted this appetizer and he didn't have it. And he got very mad. I was very rude to the waiter. And then after enough time when they ordered, we ordered dinner, he ordered that appetizer. And the waiter was like, we don't, both of us were like, they don't have, they don't have it. So he thought enough time had passed, they had gone to the store and got the ingredients? I have no idea. But he got like a pasta, like a sort of a fetichina.

Alfredo type pasta. And I got like spaghetti and I ordered a side of meat like meatball just to do like the classic. And I could tell that he wanted to try mine. But no, I'm not sharing food. I'm not sharing food with you. It was. And by the way, when he got, yeah, I told you when the skillet came, he goes, this is so loud. This is so small.

I'm definitely getting dessert. I was like, please keep your voice down. Wait, what did he end up getting for dessert? Crem brulee. Okay. But before they could take his plate away, before they could. Give us the dessert menu. He was like, he knew what he wanted and ordered it.

And I was like, this is so, this is wild, you know? Yeah. I mean, on a first date, you at least try to mask that you're not a monster. I mean, even that, it's like, even that alone, I have my own, you know, body dysmorphia issues. But even that aside from wanting to, you know, me being like, I'm demure dessert. Maybe, you know, perhaps if I see the menu. But he was the polar opposite and was like, and it was, yeah, he even said, like, he is a therapist, and he starts talking about, you know, the clients that he sees. And I was like, yeah, I've been, I love therapy.

I've been with my therapist for a long time. And I go see gay therapist because I think it puts me more at ease. I can talk freely about things. I was like, do you see mostly gay clients? He's like, no, I don't want to, you know, he's like, gay guys are terrible. And I'm like, okay. He's like, I mostly see straight men because they feel. comfortable with me. And he said, honestly, even if they see me because they want a pretty face to

look at, it's okay. And I was like, I almost said, can you repeat that? Here's the best part. We can look at who he is. And I'm going to. And I, everything he has said has been so, how long did this date last? Too long. Too long. I think it might have been an hour, but it felt like four or five. It felt like four or five. Do he reach out after the day? date? No, I literally deleted the app immediately. And I've written them, I'm like, I filled Karen and I was like, I wrote the company and was like, we need to talk. Because a, you, you, you plan a five, six person dinner comes a date. That's awkward. Yes. It sets up a strange new boundary, a strange new set of standards. Yeah. And I was set up with a deeply racist. Narcissus. Narcissus. I've never met anybody.

Like a sociopath? Yeah. I've never... Like maybe shouldn't be a therapist. Shouldn't be practicing. Agreed. I mean, I couldn't imagine the idea. I could not imagine him as a therapist.

No. He was so like, again, he was drunk, but that doesn't really give me... I feel like that's like true colors. Of course. True colors come out when they're drunk. Totally. I mean, he was sort of trying to genuinely trying to, like, berate me for being a Jewish person who I don't know, it feels like he's on the right side of history.

On the right side of history. And whatever. I just, I'm like what, I need to know like what made you in particular. Because he wasn't Jewish, right? No, although he said, oh, he was like, you know, I am German and he's like, I wouldn't be surprised if there were some. Now, here's what he said. He said, you know, like how Jews used to not be included in the survey? And I'm like, in this.

what do you mean in the survey? And I was like the census. He's like, yeah, the census. He's like, I think that because of that, I might have some Ashkenazi in me. And I was like, I don't know. I couldn't tell you. I have no idea. I don't know if that's true.

The way he was talking about the Quran was also that. Oh my God. The juice is loose. We got to lock him up. Lock him up. It was wild. A wild ride. Oh, my God.

I have to say. God bless. I'm so sorry. I don't think. And honestly, at the end of the day, I'm, there's a little pang of nerves that, like, people are going to listen and, like, try to find him online. I don't think he knew my name.

I don't think he got to know my name. I could be, I could swear to you that, like, he was just in his world where, like, I don't think he wanted to or needed to get my name, which was fine by me. I prefer it that way. That is so insane. I cannot imagine sitting across from somebody.

And not, like, I've, you know, been on a date where I'm like, fuck, what is your name again? Yes, of course. Real quick, we have to take another break. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Navigating dating and life can be a lot. My brain goes like a million miles a minute with my ADHD. And having a neutral person to talk to makes a huge difference. Therapy is a wonderful tool for getting your thoughts in order.

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Now available in Canada and the UK, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E-D-com. slash date me. What are you looking for in a partner? Oh, what a good question. Well, I think I would say I used to be looking for a sort of heteronormative checklist. Okay. And like I would rush every, every relationship, no matter how big or small, toward being like, meet the parents.

I mean, you're like really so in that place. Yes. And then after my last breakup, it really changed the, like, lining for me and the blueprint of, And so it's fully the opposite now. Okay. Where I'm like, I don't care who you are. I don't care where you live. I just want somebody who I can feel companionship with, but also a comfort in being like, I need a loan time.

Okay. And somebody who's just, I mean, honestly, I just need to be intellectually challenged. And that sounds so snobby. But I feel like maybe in L.A. That's been harder. Sure. I get that. You know, I had like a very, I had a very,

what were you saying? NPC. A very NPC boyfriend during COVID. Mm-hmm. And I kind of let the sort of like smooth brain of it all go. I was like, I let it go to the wayside because I'm like, you're really hot. You're really sweet.

So your taste in movies is childish. What was one of his favorite movies? It wasn't like, but he was like, let's like watch a movie. let's watch Deadpool and I'm like I don't want to watch I don't want to watch Deadpool you know he's like yeah there was one time where he was like I really want to see the remake of the witches and Hathaway and I'm like I don't I don't fair but I'm not going to not sit through it you know it's just like I don't you know I don't want to but there's compromises you know and again I'm no genius I'm just like I think no I know and I'm sure you could would agree I would say I would say I would say say we are spoiled to have comedy, drop, writers, to have people who kind of have to think about the human condition for a living, that makes it hard for me to find someone else who is in that space because I don't know, I don't quite, you know, I don't know why. I don't know if it's like an intellectual thing, which is why I think about, like, New York or

like college town. I mean, I'm kind of just like, yeah, I think my, like, hero, my, my, like, twin flame lives in, like, Boulder or Great Barrington. Or maybe, like, quietly in, like, Boisey, you know, or, or Wichita. So you're not on the dating apps. You're just on the hookup apps. I'm trying to wait to meet somebody in real life. Okay. Whether you're a set up, a blind date.

But are you doing the work? Are you going out? A little bit. A little bit, yeah. I could be more proactive about it. You're not wrong. I mean, I go to... Yeah, I try.

But you're right. I'm not doing enough. But is it just bars you're going to? Well, I've gone to a couple of like mixers. Uh-huh. Like a speed dating event that I left early because it gave me a true panic attack. But what if you went to the brood? If you went to like a museum with like one other friend and then like just chatted up somebody?

That's a good idea. Or like, I don't know if you like go to a movie and like bump into somebody. I don't know. I get so nervous. Like even last week I was with a couple of friends. Oh, yeah, I was with Trixie. She was DJing. And there was this guy there who I was like, I couldn't stop looking at him.

Like he looked like a twinkie hot version of Jack Hanna, the like animal trainer. Like he was dressed like he was like on safar. He was like on talk shows and stuff when we were kids. He was the guy with the animals. He dressed like a zoologist, you know? And I was, I couldn't close my mouth. I thought it was so cute. And then everybody, H. Allen, all over, everybody I was with was like, go say hi.

Yeah. Or I'll go introduce. And I can't bring myself to do that. It's so hard. Okay, so like, I remember I was out with my friend Evan and somebody slipped him a note that said Ola and I read it and I was like Hala, what a weird. And he was like, Nicole

he looked up Spanish to say, of course. It said Ola. And I was like, oh no. But his number was on it. And then Evan, I believe, called him and then they like hooked up or whatever. Absolutely. I don't know. Maybe you start carrying post-its. I don't think you're wrong. And I think I need to be more bold. I will tell you too that

every week, every time, like when I talk to my parents you know, pretty often. My mom goes, she tries to like casually sprinkle it in. She goes, so have you gone on any dates? And I'm like,

no, she goes, do you want to? And I'm like, I think you want me to. I think you want me to. But also at the same time, like an aunt set me up on like a blind date a few years ago.

And how did that go? Well, I don't think it actually meant, I don't think it actually came to fruition. But at the time I was like, well, let me see what he. I'm just curious what he looks like. And my aunt was like,

no, that's not a blind date. I'm like, I just want to know. Yeah, just show this person to me. So my mom got to, like, my aunt emailed my mom. My mom showed me and I went, oh, he's cute. It's not my usual type. But like, he's cute.

My mom goes, not your usual type. You know what? You want to be alone. Be alone. You're a fucking asshole. See what I care. That's her response. You want to be alone.

Be alone. See what I care. Go fuck yourself. Oh my God. I, my parents are famously dead. Yes. So I, I've been like hearing more and more about adult relations. friendships with Paris.

Yes. And you're laughing about that. Oh, yes. But I'm like, that's so mean. Oh, no. I mean, it's just there are no boundaries. Yes. And my mom cannot really modulate her feelings.

So we all, but it's also like that's our family. Like it's a barrierless Jewish openness about everything. And so my mom's response inherently to everything about dating is essentially projecting that I'm, I'm doing her. wrong by not being in a relationship. Exactly, yes. It's just so wild to me. You want to be alone? Be alone. See what I care. It's like, well, I do see what you care. Clearly you care. You care immensely and deeply. A lot and deeply. Tell me about your book. Oh, thank you. Yes. It's called the terrible,

thank you. It's called the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad gay. Yes. And propped up behind me. It's a collection of funny essays about failing at being gay. It's all memoir style from teenage, well, youth up until now and how I just kind of have, I tend to do it wrong at every turn. And what do you mean by that? Because I feel like you're being a great gay. Yeah. You've got a body, a yada, yadi. I see it on Instagram.

It's so weird how like, it's just, and I'm not, this is just, it's so weird how the algorithm works in that I was like, I have to post their straps to liven up book sales or get more eyes. Yeah. And then it bleeds immediately. into real life where people are like, I saw that, I saw that, I get hit on it. It's like, it's, it's just, it's just crazy how the worlds have blurred

between social media and real life. But anyway, no, I don't, like, the title is certainly, like, facetious to a degree, you know. Well, it's a take on Alexander's no good, very big, horrible, nasty ass day. Exactly. That's right. Same cover, too.

No, I definitely do, like, you know, I love, like, drag race. I love butts. I love, like, I don't know, like, a small handful of musicals, a very small handful, but they can be joyous, you know. Okay. But in so many other ways, I'm just like, it's more along the lines of feeling like I miss the first day of class. And so for 20, 20 plus years, I've been like picking up clues along the way, being like, I didn't know we'd do that. I didn't know we sniff that.

I mean, just learning these things. And it's not, it used to be, I mean, it used to be more of like a brat about it where I'd be judgmental or angry or frustrated and be, and project my own issues about it. Now as I'm older, I just kind of, it's, I just observe it, you know. And I think that's, that's the book too. It's not really meant from a place of feeling angry. It's more about being like left out to a degree, but like tickled by it and trying to have some autonomy around it without making it anybody else's problem. But yeah, it's a lot of just like, I didn't know. Okay, I didn't know.

That's such a treat. I like that. What's one of the things that you didn't know? Well, I talk about like my first boyfriend I call a professional, he was a professional gay. Yeah. Like he was just good at it. He and his friends were good at it. And so he was the one who taught me about like, moisturizer.

I had no idea. Like, I had no idea. He was like, what's your face washed? I'm like, soap. Soap. And he's like. Well, what are you moisturizing with? I was like, what are you talking?

Like, I thought that was for, like, white ladies in movie, you know, like, at night when they're, like, Merrill Street was, like, talking or whatever. I thought moisturizers was for, like, white ladies and, like, you know, Nancy Myers movies. Wait, this is so funny to me that you would, like, watch, like, a Nancy Myers movie. Love. Watch, like, a Merrill Street movie and be like, that's for Merrill, where I feel like the quintessential gay thing is to be like, well, if it's good enough for Merrill, it's for me. Of course, but that's the disconnect where I'm like. I can enjoy it but not think, oh, I should, I should mirror this. I should take this on, you know?

And so that's, I mean, with my first boyfriend, he's like, we need, we need no more boot, like, I'm sorry, no more boot cut. Yes. We're done with boot cut jeans. And I was like, but they have an hour. He's like, stop. They have an hourglass. He's like, stop. They don't.

I'm like a Coke cat. He's like, that's not what we want. You know, we had everyone had moved to skinny jeans at that point. So he like took, he also introduced me to like, you know, he also introduced me to like, you know, like, drag race, which I was like, it's not for me. He's like, you're being a bitch. Like, you're being a bitch. I was like, no, it's not for me. And he's like, I promise you. You're going to love it. And then I got in very quickly. Yes. But again, it's all these like cultural markers that I'm just, I just didn't, I just didn't know about, you know, hadn't thought about it. Fair. And I,

I actually kind of love that. Like, I think it's, I think it's really interesting because, and you're not a monolith. I'm sure like this book, someone's going to read it and be like, oh my God, I have felt the same way my whole life. I feel very seen. That's my goal is like, I want the book to be funny and I want it to make you laugh. And I think that I've been able to achieve that and that I understood the assignment that way. But I also like to say that I hope I wrote it for like the 20 year old me who would have benefited from hearing people say it's. hard, it's weird, you know, it's not perfect. Like, it's fun. And like, you get this freedom. But, like, there is also a clickiness. There is like a sort of homo-normative way of being that, like,

if you're like me and you don't get it right away, yes, initially you might blame other people for being like, why not me? But like, I'm my own person. So I've had to figure it out, like, it's nobody else's fault. Nobody owes me an answer. But I, I want other people. queer, not queer women. I like the idea that in reading the book, they can feel a sense of kinship and the idea that like, yeah, I don't get it right either, you know? I was, I did my sister's podcast and there was a clip where I was talking about how I'm never invited on these like big gay vacations, you know?

I always see like years ago I was, our family was in, in the Bahamas for the holidays. And I was like, Alano, look at like, I was showing her like our friends. I'm like, why are these gay guys in? What's Puerdo Vallarta? I was like, where? I genuinely was like, is this, where is this? Wait, Elliot, I'm dying. I literally was like, I thought it was like a resort somewhere.

Yes. I had, I was just. You had no idea that Puerto Vyarta had become like the gay mecca in Mexico. Completely, completely, completely ignorant to it because how would I know? I'd never been invited. You know, like, I just was like, what is? I thought there might be some sort of convention. I had no idea.

And we were kind of trying to figure out. But now, so years later, I'm on my sister's podcast and talking about that, like, reminiscing about that, like, that moment. And I was saying how it's like, I don't necessarily want to go in a big gay. I don't have like a big gay group of friends who are all the same and want to. But I'd like to be asked. To be invited. I just want to be invited. I don't want to go.

But I want to be invited, you know. That's how I feel a lot of times. Yes. It would be nice to be invited. But like that to me is like, that's the crux of the book, is allowing yourself to voice how expressing your outsiderness, your otherness, your aloofness within your minority is okay. And that's that, I mean, honestly, when you ask the beginning, like, what do I want in a partner? I want a partner who can be like, I don't get it. You know, like, I don't get this.

I don't get this. And that's okay, you know. And so to your point, though, when I did that. when I said that on Alana's podcast, it was clipped, you know, for like social. And the litany of guys and women and non-binary people going like, oh, my God, I feel seen. Oh, my God. Like, it was so so cathartic because I feel like there's an inability to want to show that vulnerability. Yes.

And I just because of the person that I am, I've always been like banging down the door to get people to also. so mirror that like it's not easy and like it's you know things are not easy and like let's talk about it like let's talk about it yeah that's all i want but i feel like when you're maybe like when you're gay and you have to come up in a some semblance of insecurity or hiding i think you probably get to a point where it's like you don't necessarily want to be vulnerable that's got to be hard yeah but i maybe i don't know what it says about me but like i'm like let's do it guys let's do it well i think there's something to being vulnerable, being

authentic, being honest. Like, I think it's so strange that, like, the whole trad wife of it all has, like, become popular because it feels so inauthentic to me. To be like, I stay home, I take care of the kids, I don't have a job. I'm like, no, I'm watching your job. Yes. I'm, like, actually watching you make money, actively make money.

Correct. And I kind of feel the same way as you when I, I say it loosely, wrote my book, because it's mostly just pictures. But I was like, I hope a fat woman who felt bad about her body sees it and goes, oh, wait, this isn't disgusting. Correct. Because I think a lot of fat people will look in the mirror and go, that's nasty.

And I think a lot of gay people who feel a little bit outside of the culture feel like, am I gay enough? Am I allowed? Am I allowed to, like, be a little out on the outside of the culture? And it's like, you are. And it doesn't mean you have to, doesn't mean you necessarily have to have hatred or vitriol for everyone else. I might have had that when I was younger

and more brady and stupid, whereas now it's just observing that and yearning to help other people feel that way and to normalize it. Like, normalize feeling aloof. It's okay, you know? Like, those situations can be tough. And I just feel like we should just talk about it more

and do so more openly. But this is why I also identify with like queer women. because they tend to want to over-communicate and find a sisterhood, you know, and I'm like, I want that. I want like Lilith Fair. I want like Women's Center. I want a book club. I want that.

I just find myself just gravitating toward queer women for that reason. Well, I do feel like gay men have it a little harder. And, you know, I'm not a gay man, so maybe I'm speaking out of turn. but it feels like men are socialized in a way to not share feelings. I tend to feel like gay men do have a little bit more feeling, but then they're taught not to share those feelings. Or as a kid, they're taught to be more masculine. So it's this like, I don't know, push-pull thing within them.

It's a huge push and pull. Okay, few. No, but you're right. It's a huge push and pull. And it's like you want to support your brothers. Yeah. But you also have, you know, you also have empathy towards like women, you know, and you and your, your allies to women, you know, in a lot of ways.

Then there's also like iconic worship of women, but then there's also making a joke of her body and like drag can kind of get into that sort of like crunchy place too. But then I think when it comes to sharing true feelings with another man, that is hard because we're both men. We're both dumb baby. Like boys are dumb, big dumb babies. And we're so clouded by sex that it's like, it is hard to. balance like hormones, you know, testosterone, coming up gay with some sense of vulnerability

or secrecy, like pining, not pining for, but like worshiping female figures and like icons are essentially like women and drag queens. Yes. I think that also reflects that, yeah, there's a, there is a real, like, I saw Djibuki talking about it recently on some podcast where it's like, you come out and you like, you love everybody. And then in a certain point, you're like, God, I hate these bitches. Like, I hate all of them. And he's talking about the push and the pull of like wanting and belonging and yearning and feeling that freedom, but then also immediately having that, you know, the counteract

of, of, you know, resenting and feeling, you know, shamed or left. Like, it is such a push and a pull. And so, yeah, I think, you know, it's not that gay guys necessarily have it harder, but the challenge of being like big, dumb boys will always be, I think, will be really tough to navigate through because we don't have the tools for it. Yes, that being said, how do you feel about Confessions too? Confessions two is Madonna. This is so funny. I literally was like, Usher?

I am dying. Yeah, I mean, there you go. I love this. He was like, Usher's new album. I love this so much. Just like in real time, you're like, hmm, what? I was very excited. I'm like, I missed an Usher, like, sequel.

No, Madonna. Confessions, too. Came out July 3rd. I haven't listened. And that's not to say I don't like Madonna. I like Madonna. But I'm not that interested. I'm dying.

That is so funny to me. I like, like, for me, you know, I'm like a Robin gay, like, saw her a few months ago at the Paladium and it was like oh it's all it's the east side like that's where it's the east side gaze

but no I'm more excited about like like R&B singers you know like well did you hear Beyonce's new song yes I did and I like it I like it but I was like I thought we were getting rock I thought so too

this can't be the beginning of act three actually can't be like but Lizzo tried to do rock and I think that might have been part of the death knell, like her doing, like... Did she? Yeah, like on her last precursor to this album that flop, she was trying to do, like, rock and roll. Oh.

And one of the songs was actually pretty good, but, yeah, for me, it's like, I like, I like I love Anita Baker, you know, and I want her new album. I love, I don't know, Jesse Ware, Cleo Salt, like, I want Erica Bodd, do that's who I'm, that's, those are my ladies. Well, Robin is going to be in Chicago, I think in September, with. peaches. Oh, wow. And I was like, do I fly out there? Do I do it? Yeah, absolutely. I love peaches. Peaches is great. Oh, my God. Do you know Peaches? No, I don't. She's Canadian. Oh, cool. So you should know her. Mars, you're Canadian. That's true. That's true.

It's great. Oh, I, her, I don't remember when her last album came out, but I was, I think it's like rather recent. And I was listening to it. I was like, oh, man, you see. get no time passes like you just she's a person who doesn't necessarily reinvent but builds on their sound totally and i really fucking love that that's like there's some bands from like our like collegiate era like i don't know like um the scissors sisters even uh like these sort of like all pop yeah you know i want or like saanta gold i was going to say m i a yeah but well she's having an interesting time she's not i don't know she's regressed honestly scissors sisters i don't feel And dancing came on twice a day when I worked at Lane Bryant, and I would dance even every time.

I love that song. And then daffle ganger, my group, my improv group was this year and Keisha Zahler. We came out to a Santa Gold song. Yes. And you're like, really like giving me some memories. And Robin, I mean, that new album is fantastic. It's great. I really, really like it.

It's fantastic. Because it gives you old Robin. Yes. Body Talk Robin, but it's modernized. And it's great. I think she's another one who builds on top of it. She's brilliant. Oh, Elliot.

We have come to the end. I simply did not look at any of the notes that Lindsay did. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. Your drama teacher spread rumors that you were gay. Yeah, that's one of the first chapters about how you'd think in high school where you're like, at least for me, I was trying to vacillate between like doing theater but also coming off as like totally straight. Like kind of just like, like barely enunciating, you know.

So trying to walk that line. of like wanting to perform but also wanting to like not get any attention of just deflect all attention but also why does an adult care it's a great question but this woman she was she did this to everybody she would hone in on her students deepest insecurity and try to exploit it and mine was she was like i think he's gay and she would whisper about it to my friends and i was pet i mean it ruined me lock her up lock her up she's a witch that's nasty yeah I will never, I had teachers openly dislike me. And even as a kid, I was like, but you chose this job.

This is, you did this. Like, you did this. Like, obviously there was going to be annoying kids. Of course. And I was in school in the 90s where like they didn't know what ADHD manifests or like what it looked like in little girls. Even though I had the symptoms of a little boy. Sure.

I was hyperactive, chatty. Right. But then also I would like daydream and not be able to answer. But you chose to be a teacher. You're here. You can't resent your job. No. You chose it.

Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. She didn't, but she didn't resent her students. She was some sort of, like, there were some fucked up mind games going on there. A yearning for youth. She didn't have kids of her own, so I think there was part of that. She was deeply, deeply inappropriate, inappropriately sexual.

She was a million, it was a real. She's still a teacher? No, I think she's long retired. Good. Get out of here. I've seen her on Facebook, and she gives you the chills. But she's on Facebook, this, like, techno cemetery, you know, I mean. Techno Cemetery.

I'll just go on to like spook myself out every now and then and then I'm off. Well, Elliot, we have reached the end. Understood. Yeah. Do you have any advice for single people real quick? How could I? I mean, oh, God, I mean, it's so cliche, but I'm going to quote RuPaul. If you can't love yourself, hey, you'd love somebody else.

And stop that trains in theaters, June 12. My birthday. Came out of my birthday. I just love how they ADR that on Drag Race. It made me laugh so hard. I do love that. I do think it's important to love yourself. Some people will say otherwise, but I'm like, no, no.

I mean, you actually have to really be okay with who you are. Even if it just means, like, being at peace to a degree with, like, what you can offer, what you want to offer, knowing your boundaries. It doesn't even mean you have to be in love with yourself. It's just kind of like knowing who you are and what you want and need. Like I, until this last breakup, I told you I had this like checklist, you know? And then after I sort of reframed everything and I read about, you know Judy Gold, right? The comedian. Judy lives in an apartment building with her wife or her partner in different apartments.

And I'm like, I want that. Yeah. I think it's one of those things where people are like, no, no, that's just not how a relationship goes. But it's like, well, why not? And that's my. So that is the point. Like, now I know what I want and what I need. So that's my version of saying, like, if I love myself and.

enough to know what I want, then I can find somebody else. Yeah, it's kind of like a, what's the difference between like having an apartment across the hall or a man cave that you go to? Exactly. Or a she shed. Yeah, so she shed. Humiliated. I just like the, I like the boundary of a door.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah. Get out. Right now. Well, that's it. Elliot, do you have anything you want to promote? The book is out on August 11th.

Mm-hmm. And then I have a new audio video podcast show coming out in the fall called So You Think You Can Sports. Okay. Did you, why does everyone care about the World Cup so much? You know, I don't, I don't know. The point of the show is me, I'm interviewing, like, big world class athletes about sports from the perspective of somebody who I don't know. I couldn't care.

I don't, it's not on my, it doesn't cross. It's not on my radar either. It's not on my radar. But so many people have been talking about the World Cup in a way that I'm like, so we all cared? Well, I mean, listen, at high tops in Los Phyllis, they've bumped Drag Race Night, like, by as long as the soccer games take. And I'm like... Interesting. Yeah.

I saw a picture where J.C. Penny's had set up a TV with some chairs, and I said J.C. Penny? Okay. All right. Hey, I didn't know they still existed. B. What are we doing? Anyway, Elliot, thank you so much for being here. Yeah, thank you for having me. Would you date me?

In a second, in a heartbeat. I love that. I date you. I think we'd have lovely intellectual conversations, and I would also make you watch some dumb fucking movies. Although I will say, have you seen I love boosters? No, I want to see it. That's a good one I think you would like.

God is God is another one I think you'd really like. Oh, yes, I've heard about that. It's an adapted play. Yes. And it does not feel like an adapted play. Right. Somebody was on the view talking about it. Good.

Yeah, I'm going to watch that. And then I did like obsession. I want to see that. And back rooms. And I did like back rooms. Yeah. And here's the Hollywood will never learn its lesson. We won't have any original things.

We'll be like boosters too. Yeah. They'll be like back room's back again. Right. Back rooms. Back again. Back at it. Front room.

Obsession. More like depression. Okay. So that's it. If you. What? Look at this. Oh, Moses.

What a cutie. He is so cute. Oh, my goodness. Oh, Moses. You're such a good boy. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me and you liked Moses and you liked Elliot, this is the only episode they're on. You could like you, you could follow it. You can rate it five stars on Spotify and Apple Podcast.

You could tell a friend. You could recommend the show on Reddit. That actually helps because people go on Reddit. I go on Reddit. I love Reddit. I use Reddit. I, it's better than like AI answers. Absolutely, real people.

I've stopped using Google and I'll just put it into Reddit. Reddit's really helpful. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I'll read it. Also, no need to say that my hair needs to be rebrated, I know. And also, my hair is just, I just have like nappy hair. That's how it grows out of my head. People just keep commenting on it and I don't know how to be like, I don't know.

It's also not... I don't need to lay my edges. It's fine. You also don't need to say anything. You don't have to comment on my hair. Yeah. You don't have to. You don't have to.

Okay, this person writes, I heard my nasty letter read out loud on the Kim Whitley episode. I appreciate both of you defending the quality of it, but I'll keep it shorter this time. Oh, my God. I really love that you wrote back again. Dear Nicole, we meet at one of your post-show meet and greets. I'm there with my girlfriend, and we're the same. and we're the 69th couple to proposition you that night.

When you explain again that you're not looking to be anyone's third, I throw my girlfriend to the ground, metaphorically, and promise to blow your back out with a deep-dicking. We get down to it right there on a pile of merch. I take a stack of your signed headshots and make it rain while I pound you from behind. You see your smiling face raining down around us, as well as your lovely fans who are patient with. waiting to say hello.

When I finish blowing your back out, everyone high fives like it's NASA on launch day. The end from Jack. That's funny. Jack, thank you so much. Well, goodbye, everyone. That was a Headgum podcast. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney.

And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck, Ben. And man, ooh, we got something to tell. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcasts? Yep, and that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast you'd be about.

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep, guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brittany Broosky, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter and Tim Balls, Landon Axler, Jony, Joni, Grease, and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

Yeah. I'm gonna go do it right now.