Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The World is Really Shitty and I'm Alone (w/ Ziwe)

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

Ziwe (writer for Desus & Mero) and Nicole chat about being horn'd up, what they've been crying over, and are trying to learn to love what they see in the mirror. Nicole's back on the apps, where it seems like performative activism is the growing trend in dating bios. On the plus side, Nicole's been getting treated better on dating apps since the #BLM protests. Oh boy, life is wild and there's lots to unpack in this one.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could throw out all of my books and I would smile and say, that's okay, I'm a dumb bitch who needs to read.

My guest today has a very funny Instagram live that I think you should watch where she interviews people and asks not uncomfortable questions, like kind of easy questions. One of my favorite questions was name five Asian people and the person you're interviewing could not do it. And she writes for Desus and Amiru. It is Ziwe. Hi. Hey there. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I love this show. I listen to it sometimes for my research.

Like with Josh Sharp, I listen to his episode where you guys talked about deleting a prior episode. So it was really, really fun. So funny. That's cool. I love that. Also, what is on your head? I know it's a body of medium. Nobody can see what's on your head, but is it a hat?

This is a furry bucket hat, but it's faux fur. I fucking love that. Thank you. I'm trying to go for Dion at all times. Yes. I love Dion, and I had always wanted a Jeep Wrangler, like, Cher hat. Same. And I finally just got one because I was like oh no we're all gonna die soon so why not

die in a cool jeep oh my gosh i'm jealous how how does it how's the mileage i don't really drive you don't really drive far in la or at least i don't uh so the mileage is pretty good uh it took me a full month to have to get gas again wow okay that's much better than that. That's good to hear because I deeply want a Jeep, but I've been researching Jeeps ever since I was like six years old when I watched Clueless. And so I was worried about the MPG, but it sounds like it's doing you well in LA. We're in a pandemic. I don't really go anywhere. Oh, that's also good. That's a contributing factor that you don't leave your house ever. Yeah barely leave my house i think the mpg is not great i think it's like 25 miles per gallon 25 that's we can work with that at one point it used to be like 14 or 15 oh shit um so this is where i'm glad to see that we are

we are evolving every year with every model and and I cannot wait to purchase my American Jeep. Sponsored by American Jeep. I'm just kidding. I can't wait to get my American Jeep. Oh, that really got me. I fucking loved it. Are you single, dating, married, unconsciously uncoupled? I'm so flattered that you'd ask me if I was married.

Well, I don't know. Some people are married and happy. And some people drink two bottles of wine and wake up on their front patio. Oh my gosh. Is some people you? Which is what happened to me this morning. No, I'm not married.

I am single. I'm single. I'm on dating apps, but not really. Because I don't like dating apps. I've not married. I am single. I'm single. I'm on dating apps, but not really because I don't like dating apps. I've been texting. I just text people from Instagram, like whatever. Wait, you text people from Instagram? Like people will connect with me on Instagram and then we'll chat. But it's not like anything.

Nothing has come from that really. Just like friendships. See, nobody like slides in my DMms so i don't i i don't know why it's really annoying i wish people would it would be much easier than like reading their fucking profile and being like i guess i'll message them and maybe they won't answer me i don't know but do they ever respond to your like stories like oh my gosh nicole you are so cool oh my gosh nicole lol no never you know no one has ever replied to a single story of yours well uh gay men a lot of gay men will be like oh boy

i wish i were straight but if you're in arizona me and my boyfriend have a couch for you to to crash on and we'll make you lasagna so that's what i get in my dms yeah and you know what the emotional support that's nice so we got to takes. Yeah. And you know what? The emotional support, that's nice. So we've got to take our victories where we can. It is nice. I recently met this guy on an app and he's in an open relationship and we ended up having like a bunch of like mutual friends in common. And then we were like going back and forth for like a couple of weeks.

And I was like, when is this man going to be like, meet me in a park? We'll both wear masks and we'll have a great time and then i got the feeling that he was just never going to ask and i was like you know what i'm just gonna match this man because i was on instagram you you unmatched him yeah because i really didn't feel like it was gonna go anywhere and i'm all about not wasting my time no more but did did you vocalize, hey, like, oh, I like you. I want you. No, because men don't seem to like that. And I've already made the choice that I will die before I tell a man how I feel. Okay, so I see we're starting to get at the root of the problem, which might be communication.

It might be communication. It might be, but anytime I have communicated with somebody, it has not gone the way I want it to go. So I was like, maybe over-communication is the problem. But here's a question. When you don't communicate with people, does it also go the way it shouldn't go? I guess it's never gone the right way, so I don't know. Okay, Nicole, let's start here.

I think you have to communicate with everybody, and if that's too much communication, then that's not the right person. I think that's right, but also I don't know if that's right, because people seem to love playing games. So I could play games. I could just never tell you how I feel. I could just be elusive and mysterious and have yellow hair because I cannot figure out how to tone this so it's not yellow. Nicole, I have faith in you.

I think that because if you don't want to play games, you don't need to play games. Life is too short for games. It is. It is. It is. is it is it really is like COVID-19 has taught us that this we can't be playing around like that so just say what the fuck you think and if it's not cool then bye next person I think what I'm trying to do is is keep someone around long enough to satisfy my horniness and if it ends it ends but like I think

I'm just playing like a long game to be like it's okay if i spend four months with someone who's a piece of shit uh no it's not as long as i get you know fucked a little bit no it's not although i will i can relate to you because i am also someone who's like horned up and i am i am i don't know how to to act out those frustrations. I'm just really wound tight, man. I'm wound so tight. Yeah, I'm wound like a nutcracker. Yeah, I mean, same. I have gotten bored with masturbating,

and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that. I'm uncomfortable with my body, so I'll give myself a little pat, and then I'm like, oh, that's too much. Z I feel that. I'm uncomfortable with my body. So I'm like, I'll like, I'll give myself a little pat and then I'm like, oh, that's too much, Z-Way. Stop.

Don't you dare, Z-Way. What do you mean? I'm just like uncomfortable. Like I was raised by foreigners. So I'm like, I just don't have like that. I'm just, I just don't have that connection

that I wish that I could. Have you ever thought about working on that? Like go to sex therapy? No. To like look at yourself in the mirror and get used to your body and like touching it i know it sounds insane yeah is you saying that makes i just looked in the mirror that's right next to my computer and i'm like like looking at my boobs, like, oh, no. I think that's like a helpful thing.

I used to like I spent a lot of time being like, oh, gross. I'm so fat. How awful. And then I just like was like, I don't know. I could exercise. I could lose this weight. And then I just started looking at myself naked. I was like, you know, it's not so bad. And then every person started looking at myself naked. And I was like, you know what? It's not so bad.

And then every person I've slept with hasn't been like, ew, you fatty. And then been like, oh, I guess I'll fuck you. So I was like, if other people aren't fully disgusted, why am I? So then, yeah, every morning I look at my tiny little titties. I used to hate my tits. I wanted a big old boob job. But then I started looking at naked and I was like they're not bad they're fine these are okay oh my gosh I I so firstly I love your book um the one with the bathing suits I think that yeah I thought it was really beautiful um and I really like what you talked about when you said looking

at your body makes you feel comfortable in your body so i support that i feel comfortable in my body like i i feel comfortable i think i i like am attracted to my body but as far as like the stimulants it's like i'm wound tight i'm a tightly wound person do you use sex toys at all yeah but not like it makes me uncomfortable okay okay we can move on let Let's move on. It also makes my sister uncomfortable anytime I do things like this. Sometimes I'll visit her and interrogate her about her sex life, and she's like, Nicole, please.

Please, yeah, man. I would like to your sister. Shout out to her. Hope she's doing well. I feel bad for her sometimes having me as a sister. Because she's not like, I don't want to say she's prude. I think she's doing well I feel bad for her sometimes having me as a sister because she's not like I don't want to say she's prude I think she's just like well Nicole there's people you talk to about this and the person I talk to about this is imaginary and nobody and I really hate that

you pressed me on this I'm like but I just want to know who do you feel she's like please stop please i'm begging you i recently got back on the apps because i was like i feel comfortable doing a social distance hang time with somebody totally i think it's okay i don't think i'll get covid so i jumped back on the apps and it's been like bad it's been like i hate the apps what app are you on i'm on okay let's see i'm on tinder bumble wow hinge oh raya wow uh there's more coffee meets bagel which i fucking hate oh coffee meets bagel yeah are you on that one i i did it for one day um because my friend said she got a date and then i did it for one day i was like this is the bleakest well that's this is not nice um it was just i did not enjoy my experience on it i also don't enjoy my experience on it and i hate that you have to like get beans yeah i don't know what that means i'm like coffee like can what do

i who do i pay so I can get what I want? Yeah, that's how I feel. Also, I'm on Woo Plus, which is for fat people. But the only people who hit on me are older men from Pasadena. And I just don't get it. I was like, is the app based in Pasadena? What is going on? Maybe people in Pasadena love themselves a curvy queen.

Maybe. That might be it, too. Who knows? Pasadena love themselves a curvy queen maybe that might be it too who knows pasadena is very nice erica jane lives there oh really yeah really i love erica jane i think that she she has the makings of a star i think so too she's got that song what is it expensive my kitty's like a python no the other one uh how many fucks do i give oh zero zero done oh wait none none yeah that song's very funny how many fucks do i give i saw her in concert in New Jersey. Wait, really? Was she good? It was. So her hits were hits. They blew the house off. She did Expensive.

She did How Many Fucks. She did Painkiller. And those absolutely bonded because we love those about her. But then she plays like her deep cuts as well. And I'm an Erika Jayne fan through Housewives. So when you're playing, she's playing her Chicago tracks. I'm not trying to, not Chicago the musical, but like the stuff she did when she was like touring Chicago, like first season before we hear.

I can't relate to that because I don't know that music. But it was a good experience. Melissa Gorga was in VIP. Who? Melissa Gorga. She's on Real Housewives of New Jersey. See, I'm not a Housewife fan in a way where I know all the franchises. I watched

the first season of Orange County and I was like, these women are unhinged. This is fun. But I fell off. And then I watched three seasons of Atlanta, I think. And I love Atlanta the most. But people are like, Nicole, the Jersey Housewives are wild. But I watched 90 Day

Fiance. That's my reality show of choice. the Jersey housewives are wild, but I watch 90 day fiance. That's my reality show of choice. Yeah. I watched two, two episodes before I talked to you today, just in case it came up. Which episodes did you watch? The last, the last two episodes.

Cause I like to stockpile them, but Andre, cause Andre makes me nervous. He just seems like he's up to something. I love Andre. You like Andre? Wait, wait,

stop. I love him him he's because he says the most horrific things with ease and almost a smile when he said to libby i think there's like two episodes ago he's like are you stupid or on your period i was like who says that out loud uh i cannot stand that man like my vagina closes up when i think about him because he's always like i will need to stay home but you serve the man he's like such a misogynist but like he's a lazy misogynist so i just get mad at him i get mad and as well who i get mad at i love that he calls himself a homestay dad that's funny he's so funny to me and it's so funny that his whole family is like you should be the one with the job he's like nope libby likes it like that and then

we actually hate it and he's like well everybody's gaining up on me and i'm like yeah yeah oh so i love your impression of him would you ever hook up with him? Yes. Really? Yes. If Libby wanted to divorce him, I would take him. I would take him in. I would not make him work. I would absolutely let him live off me as long as he kept saying the most insane things to me. Oh, my gosh. I think I would live off. I would I would hook up with Sinjin.

I also I will take Sinjin as well. Sinjin and Tanya Tanya this season's interesting because I think last season Tanya was like I got a very bad edit but it's like yeah well you also went to like Bruja college and got drunk and flirted with people and then he moved to America in Connecticut and lived in a shed with you and then now he's like I think I'm gonna go you said I'm not your soulmate so like maybe I'll just like go back to like my cool lifestyle and he's like, I think I'm going to go. You said I'm not your soulmate. So like, maybe I'll just like go back to like my cool lifestyle. And she's like, I'm going to lose him. It's like, yeah, because you're bad.

Yeah, exactly. That relationship was not meant. No. They should not be together. Yeah, because I'm like, if you dated somebody who was like a backpacker and loved, you know, being outside and hiking and shit like that. Why did you make him live in a shed in Connecticut? And leave him. It's just like you have to be the backpacking couple.

That's all you meant. That's what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Or you have kids. But he doesn't want kids. He doesn't want kids. She was in that car accident. She's triggered by his driving. But she doesn't wear a seatbelt.

So I'm like, what is this? What do you mean? What? You don't wear a seatbelt? I'm like what is this what do you mean what you don't wear a seatbelt i just i love 90 day fiance i like see this is what i mean like i i want to not tell a man how i feel so i can get into one of these dysfunctional relationships oh my god fun and funny no no that i watch i think that 90 90 Day Fiance is single handedly eroding the institution of marriage. I think it is.

I also think it's anti-immigration propaganda. Yes. Yes. It is very xenophobic. It's very xenophobic. Yes. Who would you have sex with Michael? Wait, Michael? Oh, from Michael in Mackel. I think I would. Mackle's adorable. So who wouldn't you hook up with on 90 Day Fiance? That's a better question. Unhappily ever after, I would not hook up with Eric. Eric is not good. He's not crazy. Excuse me. We don't say that anymore. He's wild.

Wait, we don't say crazy anymore? No, it's like, it's problematic. It's like anti-mental health. Instead of saying something's crazy, you say something's wild. Wait, that's truly, I almost just said crazy, but that's truly weird. Wait, why is crazy problematic for mental health? Well, because it stigmatizes this. I, I'm not, this is is a messenger i learned this recently and

i'm trying to follow the rules and respect people but isn't it more rude to call a person with mental health issues crazy i don't know nicole don't don't don't don't follow up z-way you're gonna have me going out in the world calling people with mental health issues crazy and being like that's what z-wayay told me to do. No, I'm not saying you should not supposed to say that. She told me to call y'all crazy. No, no, don't do that. I'm saying the opposite.

You're not supposed to use that word. We can't just use crazy anymore? No, I don't think so. Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I get so confused. Apparently, a basket case you're not supposed to use that either

come on we could have picked up on that one do you want to know why you can't use basket case? why? because it comes from the war and when your legs got blown off they would carry you around in a basket and call you a basket case that's horrible.

Yeah. Isn't that terrible? Yeah. But also kind of funny. Like if someone was carrying me around in a basket and they're like, oh, look at Nicole, that old basket case. I'd be like, hell yeah, carry me around. Hell yeah.

I'd be so excited. Oh my goodness, Nicole. You know, I think a career goal of mine is to never, is to be escorted everywhere. So, hey. Yes. Like Ariana Grande or Mariah Carey, just be wheeled around on like a rolly book bag. Honestly, a full grown woman straddling a rolly book bag is a very funny image and I'd like to see that. I used to try to ride them as a kid, but I would collapse them. They're really not built for seating.

I wonder if you could sit on a big suitcase. Oh, definitely. I can fit into I have a purse that I can fit into. What? From American Apparel, the old days. The good old days. Wait, this is so wild. Are you tiny? I'm, I guess.

I don't know. I would have described myself as like oh tiny little baby like i would never i would never describe myself like that i want to meet the person where it's like say a couple words about yourself oh i'm a tiny little baby oh that would make my day we have to take a break and we're back um i want to read to you some of my tinder conversations i've been having recently oh because they're not good yeah updating is difficult because sometimes people don't have a fundamental respect for black women yeah yeah i feel like it's going a little bit better since

uh the massive protests which is literally insane it is so wild to truly be like, I think I'm being treated better on apps since this movement to treat black people slightly better. It's exhausting. Wow. I mean, I guess it speaks to the breadth of the movement. Yeah. It's transcending into dating. What a treat. So this man, he seems nice.

His pictures are fine. Okay fine okay truly it's the same selfie at different angles and that's what his pic all of his photos are just the same selfie at different angles okay so there's that one yes that one unmatched unmatched that one unmatched it's the same picture yeah he has big culty energy let's put it that way yes yes he does but his opening line was hi nicole so i just said hi his name and he said how's your weekend going and i wanted to be like how do you think it's going we're in a pandemic maybe one good thing happened but like that's about's about it. So I just, it was very fun. I had vodka and I went to the beach.

How was yours? And he was like, the beach and vodka are a great combo. Mine was chill. It's hot. And that's it. Well, how are we building anything? You're not, but, but you're not building anything is the answer. Does he have any, anything on his profile that's interesting?

Oh, I didn't even look at it. Oh, it says he is 51 and he is a straight man. Okay. Oh, there's no details other than that. Not a single detail. Ask him what it's like to be straight. Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay, what's it like being straight? Okay. Okay. What's it like being straight? So I matched with this nice man, Abdul. Oh wait, he has changed his profile. Oh no. He's now,

there's a picture of Rihanna that I think maybe he drew. Weird. So, but he's like handsome in a way that I think. Oh, he is handsome. Like a conversation would be awful. Do you know what I mean?

Like I don't discriminate against attractive people. See, I do. I'm like, there's a lot of, so there's a lot of pictures of his like hot body. No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. And then this good picture. And then look at that smile.

He's so cute. And then he's like Lenny Kravis with a guitar oh wow and then he's laying down he's like so hot this nice profile the same picture of him being hot and then his stomach again and then a drawing of rihanna here's a question and i'm gonna be serious here are we positive that he's not catfishing oh he absolutely might be catfishing yeah those photos are a little stock photoey they go right back stock photoey his about him said i like cool women just be cool two truths and a lie i was born in russia during the soviet union i was a stripper for three months in college both my parents are surgeons but he linked his instagram oh okay so go to the instagram so okay we've got a this

this picture he has posted twice on his profile and then it says defining ourselves as opposed to being defined by others is one of the most difficult challenges we must face okay i don't know i don't think that's right for you maybe i also maybe don't think it's right for me his pictures are also literally just very insane oh but he's got like good decor i think this is his apartment oh like he's got rugs and multiple seating and a table yeah you're right he does have a table and that's not that's not truth for most men. Yeah. So what's your type? Let's get into the brass tacks. What do you like? I think my type is someone who's attractive to me, which means they might not be conventionally

attractive, but they've made me laugh or they're fun to be around. So I find that attractive. You like funny guys, fun guys. Yeah, but they don't have to be funny to other people, if that makes sense. Like we could sing a song in the Lyft ride home and have a real good time. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh my gosh. Like a real sentimental ass. Dance to a song in the grocery store. Yeah, I got you. I got you. got you yeah you want like a like a human cartoon yes in someone who like won't get embarrassed if i yell their name from far away

the whole time they're walking towards me my roommate john i love him dearly but boy he hates it when i'm loud oh really yeah so the other day, we had gone to the beach, John and I were driving home. And then we got lost in the hills of Malibu because we took a wrong turn to look at some houses. And then when we finally found our way back, we were driving, we pulled up next to Sashir. And I rolled down my window and started screaming, Hi, I know you, excuse me. And John was like, stop oh my gosh but it made me laugh so hard like imagine you're in your car and you just see a lady in a jeep with a big hat on lean out her window and scream at this other woman who looks afraid it's funny it's optics I love it it's

funny optically it's hilarious I under I identify with John where I'd be like, please, everyone's looking at us. Please. I think 99% of people identify with John and are like, this is yes, he's correct. She's not good. She's truly wild. That's not okay. And I need that 1% person to date me and be like, I love how loud she is. It brings me joy. But is it okay if he's loud himself? Would you be annoyed by that? I wouldn't be annoyed by it. But it would have to be the kind of loud where I think it's funny. It's a really specific thing.

Yeah, I'm getting that. He could be like loud and obnoxious and not funny. Like he could pull up next to his friend and then just be like loud and obnoxious and not funny like he could pull up next to his friend and then just be like we're not saying anything you're like that's not the bit you gotta just be loud and say you know i like that you're scolding your imaginary boyfriend for his diplomacy you know you gotta you gotta fake it till you make it you gotta fake it although i did see or not see i had this um this woman i guess she's an astrologist

her name is what's your sign by the way i am a virgo with the rising virgo what are you well why'd you gasp? Because Virgos, they are, they have a certain personality. They have a strong personality is what I'll say. I love and respect all my Virgo friends and family. And yeah. Apparently, yeah, that's like a thing. Virgos have a very strong personality. Well, they like things their way.

And if it's not their way then ah well in my older age i've been i guess when i was younger it used to have to be my way but now you know it's been a lot of therapy i said god bless thank you i love therapy but uh now i'm at a point where i'm like i would like it it to be my way. I prefer it. But if it's not my way, I can, I can be okay. It's fine. I don't have to harp on it. It's okay. The world is not ending. That's honestly the baseline of like socialization, but I'm glad that we got there. Wait, what's your sign? I'm a Pisces. Do you know your rising sign? My rising is a Scorpio. I'm a Pisces. Do you know your rising sign?

My rising is a Scorpio. Oh, I don't know what any of this means. So Pisces, I cry. I'm very moody. I'm in my feelings perpetually. I'm very, very sensitive. I'm really sensitive to all people's emotions, and I take that on. And then Scorpio, they're intimidating.

They're a very sexual sign. Oh. I also have been crying a lot, but I think it's when my period's's coming i cried over a picture of tomatoes the other day oh my god i cried over the usps i cried over that too and then i went and bought a usps shirt because i was just like i don't know what the fuck to do it's a lot of stuff that's happening right now is very like confusing and it's like well why isn't congress stopping this why aren aren't Democrats talking about this? And then I was like, oh, because the Democrats are the same as the Republicans. We didn't want Joe Biden. They decided we wanted Joe Biden. And we don't elect officials. They decide who we want to elect. It's literally insane. saying yeah i'm not i don't i'm sad all the time all the time i'm sad i think about how sad i am i'm sad too and i think this like i'm real sad mostly because i'm like the world is really shitty and then i'm sad because i'm like uh and i'm alone and I'm alone I know I'm really I want

someone to like hang out this like spend quarantine with I don't want to be by myself my roommate can't give me massages yes I've asked I do try to make John give me massages but then he like doesn't seem happy about it that I'm like well now I'm like forcing you this isn't good for anybody yeah nobody's happy here yeah it's not it's never it's never good it doesn't feel good to get a begrudging massage not for the masseuse not for the one getting massaged it's always a tough scenario I went to this um like a drive-in movie which I had never gone to before and I was, okay, I guess I can get behind some of this like Corona things that we're going to have to start doing.

But I was there and like, we got out of our cars after the movie to just like talk for a little bit. And I was there with one, two, three, four fucking couples. And I was like, this sucks. Wow. It was, oh, it really, I was like this and you sucks wow it was oh it really I was like this is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my fucking life or is it like is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my life can we change the accent I guess if I just yeah really made it a happy thing but it was just sad i was so sad it's never good to be the only friend in a in a couple or within a group of couples my friend it was my friend's birthday um so we did

like a social outdoor social distance gathering and her her boyfriend was like talking about how much he he liked her and like how much he appreciated getting to know her. And I was like, not jealous of him or her, but jealous of like their lives. I was like, wow, someone was talking about how much they liked me right now. Cutting my birthday cake that was made of chocolate Oreo. But you know what? That's life, man. It is life. And it is very funny that you articulated it like that.

Because I find it very hard to be like, oh, it's not like the relationship I'm jealous of. It's the life you guys have. Yeah, exactly. Like, I want this for me. Why not me? No, that's horrible. It's not horrible. I truly have lately at night after I've opened my second bottle of wine, I've been like, why not me? I'm nice. I'm good. And then I'm having like a temper tantrum in my head.

Yeah, totally. Totally. I've, I've pitched, I've pitched a fit about the fact that I'm single. Cause it's like, hello.

I think actually the reason why we're single is because of anti-blackness because we are fantastic people and we deserve to be loved. And love is love is love is love is love. Lemon and Miranda. Love is loved and love is love is love is love is love lemon and miranda love is love is love is love is love my point is well miranda yes he coined the term love is love is love is love is love wait did he really did he did he go like he had a slam poetry thing that was like love is love is love is love is love do you remember that no but i'm forever now if i ever say love is love is love is love is love is love lin-manuel miranda that's it i'm taking it from you i will no and i will credit you i'll be like lin-manuel miranda via z-way

hat tip z-way um but yeah but hey at the same time it's like we could get into relationships with people who hate us that's easy so it's better that we love ourselves, you know? Yeah, I think you're right about that. Z-Way, where are you from? Are you from New York? No, I'm from Massachusetts. Where are you from? I'm from New Jersey. Did you date in Massachusetts? I was in high school, like middle school. So did I date in Massachusetts? Not really. I went like in high school, I had like, I dated someone like a boyfriend. Oh, every time I go to Massachusetts, I'm like, oh, boy, not one person here is interested in me. Massachusetts is a tough situation, but it has all those schools,

which has lots of young eligibles, you know? When did you move to New York? I moved to New York in 2015 or 2016. I lived in Chicago for college and then moved to New York. Chicago, like the city or like outside of Chicago? Outside of Chicago. I lived in Evanston. Oh, okay.

Yeah. That's not super far. My sister went to school in Urbana-Champaign, which is like three hours south of Chicago. And it's literally just a cornfield. A beautiful cornfield with lots of great markets. No, a cornfield with like a Walmart and then like the school.

And we dropped her off and I truly was like, Catherine, why do you want to stay here which is so rude to say to somebody who made a choice and you're dropping them off at that choice yeah I mean think about all the people in Urbana who are proud to be from Urbana and they you know they have their salutes and they have their like swag they're proud to be an Urbana person living in a college town is weird i don't know why any adult would want to live in a college town yeah it just seems like you're you never you never really escaped that that moment in your life like i don't know where i would live though i would

like to live in like chicago but there's it's hard to be a working entertainer living in chicago yeah unless you like had money money money money like kind of like how dave chappelle lives in fucking ohio but still you know works and performs yeah see that's i think that's a good situation where you have just a big house lots of property and like you're not involved in like the drama of like living in a city where there are trash and rats i hate trash and rats famously but you live in new y famously. But you live in New York City. And, you know, and it's hard. Every day is a struggle.

Every day is a challenge. But I persevere. I loved the rats. I hate rats. I love them. They're like our little subway friends. Our little subway creatures. They keep us safe. Oh, my gosh.

No, they spread disease. They spread the plague. Wait, do they really? They spread the bubonic plague. I don't gosh no they spread disease they spread the plague wait do they really uh i thought they spreaded the they spread the bubonic plague i don't know if they spread modern plagues but they do spread disease well the modern plagues apparently are bats i know oh hey you know it's all i i hate um this time period i would argue it's terrible i don't think you have to argue with anybody it is funny though because i spent a solid eight months of 2019 being like 2020 is my year hell yeah yeah the good people of twitter like to remind me that i said it was going to be my year and they're like how do you feel about it

now that it's bad and it's the end of the world? And I'm like, you know, it doesn't help that you're reminding me I thought this year was going to be good. It doesn't help to have your negativity. Your negativity. The thing is, everybody's like, can't wait for this year to be over. But 2020 is waiting on the other side with a can of whoop-ass. Because nothing's going back to normal. This is life, man back to normal this is this is life man yeah this is life for a little bit and i don't think people realize that but

also i'm like it's time we were a little bit more hygienic you know preach yeah i was like flying back from texas the weekend before the la lockdown happened uh because people were still like we don't know what's happening which I was like our government knew about this in January like why they let us walk around for three months like idiots but at the airport it was just like announced it was like everyone needs to be washing their hands for 20 seconds which is a some that's something I've known just like my whole life yeah my mother would be like you didn't wash them long enough wash them longer you're like okay but people were making a production in the bathroom like washing their hands and looking around and i was like who are you looking at you should have been doing this

now i know you're nasty drag them i mean the whole everybody doing the like just sing the chorus twice and then you'll can y'all count to 20 or no because but i mean no child left behind we have one problem silly tough no child left behind i mean but i'm like who taught you that you didn't like i've seen like ladies not use soap and i'm like who taught you that who taught you water kills things like people are so nasty like this one lady on the plane went to the bathroom with no shoes on no socks on her bare fucking bottom feet were just pat pat pat pat pat to the bathroom and then she came out of the bathroom and said there's water on the floor and i was like of course there's water on the floor we're in the

air we're in the sky like shit's sloshing around you dumb bitch gravity yes gravity oh boy everyone is filthy and then the whole mask thing i'm like but why would you want someone's spittle during a pandemic on you? Just that basic thing. I mean, I wouldn't want anybody's spittle on me during a pandemic. But if I were to have a long term committed spittle, I would not hate that. Yeah, I would love for someone who loves me to spit down my throat just for a tee. Ew, when you put it like that, it sounds absolutely mortifying. Oh, my God. I'd want to join a convent.

My ex-boyfriend used to, like, would have dirty fingernails. And I would be like, you can't, like, touch me if your fingernails are dirty. And he would be like, man, I'm going to wash my hands. You're so mean. Which is always tough. Ziwe, this is really upsetting for me you think it's upsetting for me yeah i was so mad because it's just like i don't i shouldn't have to look at your hands and be like hey if you can't get the the cheeks if you don't go to the the toilet like that's so

embarrassing like we're not we're not adults that's like something that a mother tells a child that's something that a preschool teacher tells a toddler wait you were an adult when this happened this wasn't like a high school boyfriend oh this was this was more recent than i'd care to admit i know again i have to i have i famously have horrible taste and yeah i famously have horrible taste do you date other comedians no good i think that's good i i date like like uh i date like who did i date i date like guys who like work in finance or guys who like went to like fancy colleges oh yeah i've never dated a fancy college person i don't think they. They are as dumb as they are, you know? I'm truly still stuck on these dirty fingernails.

How upsetting. It is upsetting. Were they long fingernails that were also dirty? Or are they short and dirty? They were short and dirty. Okay. Which is like, are you clawing at like bark? Like, what are you doing?

Like, what are you doing, was he white yes famously oh boy um oh boy this is so sad i went on a date once with this man who had long fingernails like interviewed the vampire uh i've talked about this on way earlier episodes but uh like it was just so i kept being like how will you like finger me because men oh boy they really love to blast you right home oh my gosh how are you going to do that i was like do i get to stop you first and be like please don't put your claws inside me no you have to file his nails i mean long nails can be fresh like if you have like a sick manny that's cool but you have to it has to be trimmed and treated like we can't let any old reckless hand i like if they were buffed i wouldn't have had an issue because that means he gets like manicures which is fine that's fine that means they're like clean and you care about your hygiene

or whatever but like they weren't they were like dull and like kind of yellow oh my gosh okay and you're trying to judge me i only went on one date with him and the date ended when he said all right so uh you want to go back to my place and i was like actually no i've got a really early flight in the morning i can't and he was like so we're not going back to my place and i was like, actually, no, I've got a really early flight in the morning. I can't. And he was like, so we're not going back to my place. And I was like, that's not how you get what you want. No. Yeesh.

Yeah. Men are, I don't want to say bad, but they're bad. And I recently got an email from this man who had listened to an episode of the pod. And he was like, well, you don't like men so much. Wait, what episode? Oh, the one with zaynab and he was like if you think men are trash maybe you should be a lesbian and never date a man again and i was like hey man thanks for listening every stream counts and then i sent his full email on my 90 Day Fiance podcast. And a couple of ladies emailed him to be like, that's not nice. They're a very nice group of people who listen to this 90 Day Fiance podcast.

Oh my gosh, I love that. Because it's on Patreon and you have to pay $5. So I think it's like, if I'm paying for this, I'll be nice. I think that's why they're so nice. I trust. I think people who patronize people's Patreons, like, yeah, you are who your audience is, you know, you're nice. So yeah, they better be nice. Not that my Why Won't You Date Me fans aren't nice. They're all very nice and kind.

Have they set you up on any dates? No one has set me up on any dates. And I did this really horrific bit at my live show in Arizona where this woman was like, I've never had an orgasm. And I was like, well, there's this vibrator called Tracy's dog. I'll get you one, send me your address. And then I was like, any woman who emails me, I'll get them a Tracy's dog. And then 200 women emailed me. What were you thinking? I don't know. Not too i did i thought maybe 10 would email me and i'd be like what a fun bit but then i was like i now have to buy 200 vibrators did you so i bought maybe 10 before i contacted or no this woman on twitter reached out she was like i work

in the sex toy industry and i was like okay she's, I can try to find a contact at Tracy's Dog to have them ship them out if you had a promo code and did a little bit like posting for them. I said, what a godsend. You're an angel. So she did that. And then they fulfilled all two, 190 orders. They gave them all out? Yep. And then they gave me a promo code so then other people could buy them.

And it was like so wonderful that it happened. They were so kind. They were so nice. The only thing was after that episode, people kept emailing me, even though I put in the episode description like record it while i was like touring and i was in bed and i was like hi um please stop email i don't i can't oh my god it's done please don't and i still get emails now and i think the episode's like over a year old well can you send me a free one hey i'm here i will send you a free one if you oh wait i have your wait no oh yes i have your email address i was like i have your address then i was like wait i don't have your like physical address but i'm gonna email you right now and ask for your um do they ask for your size it's like size of your labia like what's the situation it's just like so okay i'll describe it it is i can't do two things at once i was trying to email you and describe this thing so there's a clit sucker on one end

and then it loops to like a u part that goes in your actual vulva or vaginal hole wait the whole thing's a vulva so you're in in your vagina you know trying to be correct about the ladies body this is more than i know you know you're just trying so yeah one the clit sucker's on and then the other things in your vagina and then i like to hit the clit sucker first get in the mood and be like oh yeah he's down there he's sucking on it and then you fire up the the pussy hole one and then you're like and then you come real hard and you're happy your face during that whole description you were like vaguely upset about the fact that I was describing

this to you you're just taking this information in everybody has their own you know interests I'm interested to explore and have new experiences so I'm not gonna yuck your yum I support oh man I really wish people could have seen that.

It was like, you know how you wear something sheer and you can see the skin? It was a sheer version of like, I hate this, but I won't interrupt it. I'm so sorry. No, this is great. This is great. I think it's important that I have to confront things that I do not know of. That is how I will grow as a woman. Yeah, I'm going to force you to be comfortable with things.

What was I going to ask you? Dang. Oh, I didn't take my ADD medication. I was like, why can't I focus on anything? Oh, boy. Life is hard. It medication. I was like, why can't I focus on anything? Oh boy. Life is hard. It's very difficult. But we're alive.

So shout out to that. We are alive. And then the other day I was like, but what if I could just sleep forever? I'm tired. You will. Yes. One day I will. But I don't think I want that now.

I just, I just want life to be a little bit easier I know I know it sucks oh I didn't remember I remember growing up as a kid and you don't really expect that this is your fate that this is how you're going to be spending a large part of your year but it's just like you gotta roll with the punches as I as and that's the type of attitude i will take into relationships for anybody that's listening who would like to date me i don't know if the women on my show have had the experience that men have had a lot of men will come on we'll chit chat and then they'll go nicole my ds are overflowing. It is kind of wild. And I truly don't know if it happens for the ladies. So, okay, let's see if it happens. What are you looking for? A hot genius.

What's funny, Nicole? A hot genius. Okay, is there anything more specific? No. I had a specific way that i want a man to yell out a window and i asked you what you want you just say a hot genius that's because that's what i want i would like someone who's incredibly good looking and incredibly smart and whatever their field is if that's if that is they're in government if

they're in banking if they are artists if they are you know astronomers i don't discriminate but they just have to be someone who is a genius okay um is there a template is there like a famous actor and or musician or philosopher that you like the way they look and you want this person to look like them uh i think i mean it depends on the guy i'm very attracted to yaya who's yaya the guy from watchman wait i don't know who yaya is have you not watched the watchmen i haven't because i watched like a couple minutes of it and i got really confused yeah yeah i mean it takes a it takes an you have to watch the first episode from start to finish but it's a great series and yaya is a fantastic actor so if you're if you're a black dude you're like okay what do i have to look like look like yourself but yaya is so handsome to me and then i also really attracted to robert pattinson it yeah he's so

gorgeous he's gorgeous oof yeah he does it he's gorgeous he's a beautiful he's's 34. He's six three. Oh, my gosh. Nicole, you should call him. OK. Beep boop boop boop. Hi, Yaya. It's me, Nicole. You've never met me, but do I have a woman for you? Bye, Yaya. Done.

Wait, whose number was this? I'm Googling to see if he's got a girlfriend. I haven't. I've never Googled. I don't know if I want to know. Because that would, not that I know him or would ever, like, approach someone like that. But if you're talking about, like, celebrity crushes. Wait, he's with Lala Anthony?

He, no, he is? I thought she was with Carmelo. That's what I thought. I guess so. How interesting. Wow. Why did you tell me that? I'm really sorry about it. What's your problem? Why you tell me that? I'm really sorry about it.

What's your problem? Why would you do that? I'm really, really sorry. I just said I had a crush on this person. This is in January, pre-pandemic. They're not together anymore, okay? Okay, thank you. I got upset. You're welcome. No, they're not together. It was pre-pandemic. It was in January. It's over because we're now in August. Isn't that crazy? We're in August. I know, it's wild. It's wild. It's absolutely, it's wild. It's wild.

Wait, I also have a crush on Robert Pattinson. Oh. Yes. Well, he's going to be the new Batman. I know. And I'm so excited for him because he's a fantastic actor. Is he? Yes.

How dare you? Okay. In my defense, I truly have only seen him in the Twilight movies. And the Twilight movies are, how you say, they're not good they're camp i i feel like it's not camp because i feel like everyone was trying to make this like dramatic and i don't know there's one scene where uh bell is that her name no bella bella bella falls down the stairs and ends up in the hospital and then her mom you don't remember this no i don't i know well there's a scene i'll never forget it she falls down the stairs she gets in the hospital and then her mom is sitting with her and she wakes up and she's like,

Oh, what happened? And her mom goes, you fell down the stairs and fell out the window. You don't remember. And the way she said it was so funny. I feel like somebody would just be like, you had an accident.

You don't remember? You fell down the stairs and fell out the window. And then the baby they used was crazy looking the makeup was wild i mean also the the the like folklore that he was he was cold so which means that like she whenever she would touch him he was freezing so it's like he had a you know he was had an icicle peen oh my god that's truly wild Imagine you have to have sex with an icicle penis. I don't know. Thank you.

Don't mind if I do. No, no, that seems awful. Maybe I'll put a dildo in the freezer and see what that's like. Oh my gosh. Cut to the unemergency room. Cut to 2020. So Nicole, Nicole Byer broke off her body into half when she sat on a frozen dildo i mean if that's the way i passed away i think i don't think anybody would be sad they'd be like she went out the way she wanted to go she died as she lived absolutely cold oh maybe oh wait robert pattinson twilight so wait what has he been in that he's been like

great um the lighthouse um good times uh oh he was in that like good times yeah good times that's the it was i think it was 824 in the in the um safty brothers. And he plays the brother, he plays like this small time thief who has a mentally challenged brother. And you just watch him sort of spiral out and get his brother into trouble. Yeah. But he's just like, yeah,

it's really chaotic and manic, but he's a very good actor. He really is. All right. Ooh, here's a camp movie that I think you should watch it's called flight six six six and it is i saw it on amazon it is the wildest movie i've ever seen what so it's about a haunted plane and the ghosts on the plane look like nice contemporary women you're like what error are these people from and then it it gets answered at the end like the third act of the movie is 15 minutes long and wraps up the

movie in a way that you're like wait what i loved it it is truly i had a great time and i tweeted about it and a couple people were like i couldn't make it past 30 minutes in this movie and i was like well you didn't try hard enough because it was delightful oh my gosh flight 666 I don't know if I'll ever I'll ever get on that maybe maybe next time I'm cuddling with someone I'll be like let's watch flight 66 and I'll think of you dear I would love to cuddle with someone the other night I was like okay I think I'm gonna stack these pillows up so it feels like someone's here oh I humped my pillows i got sad nothing no what were you saying i said oh i humped my pillows but not actually i just like i also like snuggle with my pillows and hold them tight so they could never go i saw this man on hinge we have to wrap it up but i truly

enjoy talking to you this was so fun this man on his hinge said you should leave a comment if you dig shakespeare feminism or board games he's a bad person right like i don't want that but do you do you dig shakespeare so i like shakespearean adaptations she's the man is one of the best movies i've ever seen in my life fantastic film i really liked oh the uh mckay of fife pfeiffer othello adaptation wow hey i feel that but like if you dig feminism like do we have to talk about feminism well he's i think he i mean i don't know this person. Is it performative to say that you dig feminism on your dating profile? I think it is. Perhaps.

And then there's been a lot of men who will have pictures of them at like protests and they'll be like, don't leave a, or like leave a comment if you think black lives matter. And I'm like, but this feels insane. Like, I feel like it just, I mean mean I guess it's me being you know an idealist to be like well everybody should just feel like black lives matter and you shouldn't have to prove that you're at a protest maybe it comes up in a conversation but like I don't know no that's a tough one because you don't want it to feel like a call and like it's like the electric slide where it's like everybody clap your hands you know it's like everybody say black lives matter like that's that you don't you

never want it to feel like that but i don't know i once knew this guy who would read tony morrison on the train to attract women so some people have their motive some people just like tony morrison it depends huh huh well i wonder what i could do well i don't take the train anymore i think i should hold um lisa rena's um orgasm book just kidding i think you would just make a bunch of new like lady friends maybe like oh my god yes i know i know i know um there's nothing to do i don't leave my house do you leave your house how often do. I don't leave my house. Do you leave your house? How often do you go? Barely. I leave my house once a week.

So I have a skate gang on Tuesdays. Oh, I love watching those videos. Thank you. I love skate gang. We're going to have jackets made. Nice. But yeah, Tuesdays, that's the only, truly the only thing I do is skate gang on Tuesdays. And then I've been going to virtual strip shows

which has been fun what is that virtual strip shows so a lot of um girls from clubs will like band together and put on a zoom strip show oh they'll have like themes a host everything so me and my friends will hang out in a Google Hangout or a Google chat or whatever. No, Google Hangout. So we can see each other. One of us will play the Zoom on our phone or something so we can all hear the music. But we'll mute the Zoom on the computers. And then we just kind of talk, hang out, drink, and tip the girls. That is so fun. It's very fun.

I think it's called Cool Cats. Oh my gosh, that sounds fun. It's so so fun. It's very fun. I think it's called Cool Cats. Oh my gosh, that sounds fun. It's so much fun. I think it's on Fridays at 8.30. I don't know if it's every week, but it's like a nice way to support sex workers or strippers, whatever you like to call them. I don't know if they make like the same amount

they would make in a club. So like I try to over tip a little bit because I don't go out anymore. so i can't afford to do that but it's truly so fun to see their homes and then some of the girls who don't have poles will like eat ramen in the bathtub and it's it's it's very fun hey i love that that's very lit man right z-way we've come to the end um i didn't mean to end so abruptly but we had an hour and i gotta record more more shit it's okay do you have anything oh wait no okay i always ask people this i almost fucking forgot would you date me yes oh what a treat of course date you you would teach me all the new things.

I would teach me what a vulva is. Like I would learn so much about the human body because of your tutelage. I would be like, you know how like in the old days and the Greek days, they used to have mentors. You'd be my mentor. Oh, I could be your mentor. I would do that. Because I feel like you're young.

So I would take you under my wing. How old are you? 21, 22? I'm 19. Goo googoo-ga-ga. Oh, yeah. You're a little baby. I'm a tiny little baby. Z-Way, do you have anything you want to promote?

Follow me on Instagram at Z-Way F. My weekly live show is every Thursday at 8 p p.m eastern um that's pretty much it i have a book come i have a book but that doesn't come up for a while oh that's fun do you know when it comes out 2022 that is a while but 2021 is literally almost here so it really won't be a long time this year has flown by but also has moved so slowly. Yeah, man. But we're alive, so we're lucky to be alive. So shout out to them.

We are very lucky to be alive. I think you cut a video with Aparna where you asked her problematic questions. She wouldn't answer them, so you just cut it together so it was problematic. It's maybe the hardest I've laughed in a really long time. Thank you. Yeah, Aparna was impossible to bait debate so i decided to just to just take my take her racism into my own hands it was really funny thank you thank you i think one of them was just like you were like who do you hate and it cuts to her being like asian people and it really made me laugh. Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I love her. She's so freaking funny. She's the best. You're the best. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.

Yay, I'm glad. I'm waiting for the day someone's like, I'm really upset you made me do this, and I hated it. This was stupid. You know, don't pray for that. Well, if you like this episode of Oh, I want you date me. You can like it.

You can subscribe on iTunes. You can rate it five stars. And if you send me something nasty, I will read it. This person wrote a whole story. I want to move into a weirdly large Manhattan apartment with you all set up my studio. I'll teach you how to use my pottery wheel by sitting behind you shirtless. I'm an actual potter. We'll make a vase and then you'll playfully knock it over while we laugh and laugh.

And then we'll make out and we'll rub our bodies all over the clay and then we'll fuck hard. I'll fuck you with a giant dildo I accidentally ordered. This is true. I didn't realize how big it was from the photos because I know you're a science queen. And then later I'll get murdered in an embezzlement plot gone wrong. You'll be so sad at first but then i'll come back as a ghost and fuck you even better than before because of ghost powers i don't know i'll fuck you so good that you'll pass away and we'll both be horny horny horny

horny um uh ghosts haunting the city and fucking okay bye i hope this reached the right email it did thank you very much. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.