Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Third Wheel in a Quarantine (w/ Tommy Lenk)

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

"Marriage should be a lease with an option to renew"Tommy Lenk (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, host of Trashcast) shares his ideas to modernize marriage, points out the archaic rules of straight dating, and talks about his experience living in quarantine with his ex-bf's new bf.We've hit peak horny!! Nicole is having a full blown meltdown. Stay inside and stay safe everyone!For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, well, fuck me, where me, Nicole Byer, I know who I am, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could put a hat over my eyes, spin me around and kick me into the street and let a car hit me, I would still date you.

My guest today, you know him from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Eastsiders. He's got an Instagram where he recreates looks from the red carpet and has a podcast called Trashcast. It's Tom Lank. Hello. I want to date you. I want to date you.

I want to date you. Yes. Oh, what a treat. Thank you so much for doing this. Oh, man. I am just happy to be talking to a human being right now. Yes, it's hard. We are. So I stack episodes. This is going to come out four weeks after I record it. I have no idea what the state of the world is going to be, but so far it's been me in my house. What have you been doing? Just jerking off 24 hours a day.

I had a full-blown meltdown yesterday because I was like, it's going to be so long before I see a dick in person again. And I started sobbing in my bathroom. I, I was talking to my, my, my horniest gal pal.

Um, and we, we were just talking about how yesterday I feel like everyone hit their, like, it's only what is seven days in and we've hit like our horniest peak because it like and i've gone i've got i recently went like three weeks without touching myself and enjoying the pleasure of my own company but i feel like the threat of us having to go an entire month alone like it all hit everybody yesterday and so everyone got so horny and just everyone i talked to was just like i can't stop

touching myself i truly masturbated four times yesterday and i discovered that that is uh too look i'm having some carpal tunnel issues you wake up and your wrist just hurts and you're like why and you're like oh because i've been using that wrist tbh i did ice i i put i first i took a very sensual. I'm I'm quarantined at my friend's house because I just moved just in time to not be able to go find a new place. So I'm at my friends, my ex-boyfriend and his boyfriend. We're all friends. It's fine. I'm not in a throuple. Don't worry about it.

But they have their well off. One of them is a doctor and one's an executive and I'm a poor. So I'm just living my best quarantine life and um they have a one of those bathtubs with jet jet things in it and it it I didn't realize that the jets keep the water hot and so I took a very sensual erotic late night bath last night and I just was like feeling my very like I felt like um like Angela Lansbury in that video where she makes where she takes a bath. Like I was just like pointing my feet and then like rubbing my legs and touching myself. And then I had to ice my hand afterwards.

For real, I put ice on my hand because I'm just like, I've got it. I've given myself carpal tunnel in quarantine. I was in Florida last month in Fort Lauderdale visiting my friend. And at like, I don't know, 3 p.m., the jets come on to like fill the pool with hot water. And I just like inched myself over to the jet. And I was like, oh, and my friend Nick was like, what are you owing at? And I was like, actually, maybe I shouldn't do this in front of you. But I got to say, this feels good.

He was like, I'll get out. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm being weird. Look, why shouldn't we be able to have just like comfortable feelings in front of each other in a pool? I say that's healthy. I think that's healthy as well. And I'm going to start coming in front of my friends in pools pool. I say that's healthy. I think that's healthy as well. And I'm going to start coming in front of my friends in pools. Thank you, Tom. That is the gift that you've given me today. I'm going to take it with me. The thing is, if your hands, if your hands

not down there, you can't shame us about it. Right. So like we should be able to, to, to just go to town on ourselves in front of one another, long as you don't really know what's happening. I don't know. I agree. So wait, so you're staying with your ex-boyfriend and his current partner. Are you friends with all of your exes? I'm not. Like, I'm still in therapy from like 15 years ago from the one that like that just broke me and so

I've never talked to him post breakup but for some reason I think it's an age thing I think once you realize like wait well because I have a weird okay this is my thought about dating which is either you you stay together well okay dating is is you stay together until you either break up or one of you dies. Yes. Think about it. I know that's a very fatalistic approach to dating, but it's going to end either way. So why not be friends with people after the fact? The weird part, though, is that I'm saying with my ex and he dated a Tom before me.

Now, okay, I'm going to give you the full story. Yes, please. I hooked up via Grindr this guy named Tom and we had like an ongoing, just like, you know, handsies, blowsies buddies for like on and off for a year. And then he moved to London because he had a midlife crisis.

Then I found another gentleman on Grindr. I went over to his house and I was like, oh, I have been here before, but not with you, sir. But I didn't tell him that. And so then I started dating him. So then, oh, and the original guy, his name was also Tom. Okay, so it turns out they had broken up. This guy that I'm now saying,

God, this is so complicated. Basically, it's too much Tom on my hands. Tom after Tom. So old Tom dated Mike and now I was the new Tom and then I broke up. No, wait, sorry. Then old Tom came back.

I moved in with Mike. Old Tom started subletting my old place, and I was living in his old place. And then we all broke. I broke up with Mike. I moved back in. Old Tom took over that. It's so complicated.

This is a gay soap opera. I can't explain to you right now properly. This truly sounds like a subplot to the L word. Oh, my God. I'm living my best lesbian life, aren't I? I love it. Anyway, so now I'm, I'm, we're all friends. Everything's fine.

They've all moved on with their lives. Mike, he's a doctor and now he's with a casting director. I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy that the person who doesn't need to be dating a casting director... Is dating a casting director. That's so funny. But I'm being silly, but they're very lovely and I feel very hashtag blessed

to be their third wheel while we are stuck in quarantine. I mean, I'm staying with a couple. My roommate has a boyfriend, so I'm with a couple in this quarantine. And it's, I've been having a good time being a little third wheel. Honestly, I think I lived by myself for a long time. And then I was in a relationship living together and then I was back living alone. And I'm, to be honest, I feel like I might be happier living with other people in a relationship living together and then I was back living alone. And I'm, to be honest,

I feel like I might be happier living with other people in a household. I don't know what it is. Oh, I'm fully happier with a roommate and dogs because then I'm just like, like if I'm alone, I'm alone. And I'll be like, all right, I guess I'm not gonna wash my hair or my clothes

and I'm just gonna be stinky alone. But if you live with someone, you kind of have to be like, all right, I guess I'm not going to wash my hair or my clothes and I'm just going to be stinky alone. But if you live with someone, you kind of have to be like, OK, well, I'm going to like wash my pussy because it might start stinking. And I need to like be cognizant that we're going to spend time together. Amen to that. So here's a question. um so here's a question actually when you said that dating is truly like you're either dating to break up or to be together until you die that is that i think you're correct like i don't think there's like in a real in between like even if you're friends with benefits like either it's going to turn into a relationship or you're going to break up i I mean, I know it's a dark take on on dating,

but at my point of where I'm at in life, I'm now I'm at the point where my friends are having their first divorces. And I'm like, oh, wow. Like there were times when I felt like lonely and sad that I didn't have someone to be with. But like I fully have opted out of having to deal with with divorces and i you know i'm a gay person and so like i don't i you know having kids wasn't a thing that i necessarily wanted or want to have in my life i don't know we'll see check back in in 10 years uh but i i feel like i don't know, there is something to being happy with yourself and being happy alone. And, like, who's to say that dating isn't, like, or, you know, being together. Like, I do, I mean, I know other people talk about it, but I always, sometimes I think that marriage should be a lease with an option to renew.

Like, let's maybe get married for three years. And then, like, we had a good run. And now I want to experience another type of car. Like, I love the Prius, but now I want a convertible. And I know that, you know, I'm going to get less gas mileage, but at least I'll have the wind running through my hair and I'll have a new experience. I don't know.

I don't know the answers, Nicole. I don't know the answers too, but being monogamous is kind of like a crazy thing to ask somebody to be like, will you love me for the rest of time? Like that's crazy. And like some couples, I think, yes, like it works for you. And then other couples, it's like, yeah, an open relationship or taking time apart is also good for you. I think that's the most interesting thing about relationships because they can all be so fucking different. Well, I mean, the gays have really,

I don't know what percentage of your audience is the gays. Oh, I have literally seven straight male friends or fans. It's all gay men. It's lesbians. It's fat ladies, ladies, and ladies who make their boyfriends listen that's all i want to be with i'm i'm so done with straight men i just want to be around your audience um i feel like the gays i mean somebody tweeted there was a funny tweet the other day that was like

oh quarantine well now the gays will have to start only sleeping with their husbands. And it's so like, and I take no credit for that joke, but it is, it is so true. Like most gay married couples I know are in an open thing. And I don't know if that's the answer, but maybe it is. And I'm so shocked that the straights haven't really caught on to it yet. But it does seem so weird to like have this whole ceremony that was created like 2000 years ago so that like we would be brainwashed into not like sometimes I think about marriage was like, well, you had to like save yourself and then get married so that both of you wouldn't die of, you know, you could literally back then you could die of gonorrhea, right?

So you were trying, everyone's trying to not die of gonorrhea. You know, I don't know, what did Mozart die of? I always think about that. Like, well, we, so I feel like marriage was created so that we could, you know, own, so that men could own women and people wouldn't die when they were 25. I don't know. It just seems so outdated to me. When's the last wedding you were at? Ooh, the last? That's a very good. I haven't been to a wedding in so long. And aren't you grateful for that?

Okay, here's why I like weddings. I like seeing my comedy friends dressed up because they all clean up so nicely. And I'm like, we never really dress up for each other. So like at a wedding, I get to see people and they're like best of the best. But like it is weird that marriage started off as like a bartering thing. It's like, well, if you give me land, you can have my daughter. And then in like the 50s, the De Beers company was like a diamond ring is what you need to give a woman, which is like a fully made up thing.

Oh my God. I am obsessed with the history of diamonds and how we were just all advertising brainwashing and thinking that that's what you have to do. And now this stone that we have too many of and that they keep in surplus is now what we have to get married with. Yeah. It's so fucking bonkers to me. Like, I don't want a diamond ring when I if I ever get married.

I want like an old ring that they found in like a thrift store or something like one of my best, best friends, my dear friend who lives in Portland. Her husband wears like this ring with an eagle on it. It's like a like a piece of costume jewelry, I think. And then she's got a fun ring. And I'm like, yeah, they didn't spend a lot. They got married in at a campsite in this beautiful place in Portland. I was like, yeah, the way you're doing it is like chill and cool. And I love this. I totally support that. My I have a friend, I totally support that I have a friend Darlene

She just wanted to She's an actor and a writer as well And I have the same reaction to her Which is of marriage I don't want to get I get up enough in front of people And have them clap for me and give me attention I do that all the time

I feel like non-performer people maybe want And need that moment of getting married Give me attention. Like, I get that too much. And I honestly don't want you to look at me while I'm having real feelings. So I, she got married in her like parents living room in Tennessee. And then she came back to LA and had a, had a, just a party at Sean Hayes' mansion. Ooh, come on now.

Like, and that's the way, that's the way to do it. You use your, you have a rich friend who lets you have a party and you, you put on your nice dress and we all get to come and dress up and just like have a party. Like to me, that makes more sense. Yeah. I just want to like, that's what I want. Just have a party. I don't want to have feelings and cry and be feel weird in front of an audience. It is very performative to be like, I put all this together. I hired a wedding planner. I hired people to cook for you. I'm paying for your dinner.

We're going to dance to either a fucking live band or a DJ. And I'm going to cry in front of all of you. And you're all going to like it. And you're going to give me fucking presents for crying. It's so wild i do but i i i do i love that you appreciate the fact that you get to see your your friends get dressed up and have a moment um i just wish we had another reason to get dressed up like yeah you know i mean i'm gonna after quarantine is done i am dressing the fuck up whenever I leave my house.

Oh, by the way, I'm having I got invited to a Google hang dinner party tonight and it's formal and we're supposed to dress up, cook ourselves dinner and we're meeting up at eight o'clock. My friend Sarah organizes some like, yes, I will be doing this. Sarah Michelle Gellar? Oh, no. No, but it is a common, it's another Sarah. It's one of the most common names in the world. I know.

But SMG and I are, and this other Sarah are all friends and we do text each other as a trio. I do love it. I don't want to like nerd out, but like you were very wonderful on buffy and that's what i know you from and i think you're really funny and wonderful and then do you remember years ago we did a video together yes we did a vote get um get registered to vote video

via um that joss whedon organized and directed and I didn't want to nerd out to you then that I enjoy you and think you're a goddamn gift to the world and hilarious. So what a treat. I love that. Thank you. The feeling is mutual. And I'm, I'm obsessed with you.

I was like, when Joss asked me to do it, I was, and it's like, I had the tiniest part in the whole thing. I was like, when Joss asked me to do it, I was, and it's like, I had the tiniest part in the whole thing. I was like, yes, I will do this because I love Nicole and I want to be near and close to her. Yeah. It was so lovely to me. It was so weird to be there. And then Joss had asked me to write like something else. And I wrote it like in a couple hours and then sent it off to him. And right after I sent it, I was like, you just sent Joss Whedon a first draft.

Who are you? Who do you think you are, bitch? Who do you think you are? Truly. You're a goddamn talented entertainment industry professional. That's what you are. But I like then had to like backtrack and be like, I'm so sorry. That was a first draft.

Let me go through this again. Oh god it was so wild also what is weird is that i met you pre that was like that was like the um oh what's the word the calm before the storm. Yes. In 2016, I guess. And now here we are again. Here we are again. Isn't it wild how things change in four years? Four years we were trying to get Hillary elected, but then everyone couldn't get over a couple of emails. And now we're in a full-blown pandemic with no pandemic team

and some wild president who just keeps talking. Honestly, put a muzzle on him he truly is wild but we don't need to talk about him okay so let me ask you we're going to talk about relationships uh in a little bit a little bit more about relationships but um you on your instagram do you recreate red carpet looks? When did that start? Because it's so funny. It started, was it three, four years ago? It was the Met Gala.

I was watching it and I was like, the theme was like space age or whatever. I don't know. And I was like, everyone looks like they're wearing the same tinfoil. And so then I posted one outfit, like here's every dress at the met gal then i thought oh well let me see if i can just make a bunch of these and i posted them and then it got back i think it was because uh lady friends of mine i think it was like smg post reposted them um eliza dushku reposted them Eliza Dushku reposted them and then it just took off and I was like oh really

this is what's gonna take off the thing I am not trying at all to do I've been an actor for 20 god damn years in Hollywood trying to stay relevant trying to get attention and this the thing I did in my sleep

okay I'm running with it and uh it's like three and a half years later four maybe it's four years oh there can't it's gonna be four years at the met gala that would have been but it's being canceled this year have you do you have a book no i honestly think if i were a straight person doing this i would have had a book deal by now I would have had a TV show I keep to not to ride your coattails but I keep saying I want to like in the style of Nailed It I want to do a

trash fashion show where it's your average American person trying to make outfits out of trash and I want to judge it have you pitched it? I keep trying but no one will like people I don't know who to i don't know where to go okay where do i go i'm gonna send an email after we're done to hook you up with

the production company i've nailed it and you can pitch it to them because i do think that's a good idea i think it's very fun okay and you will and i you will be a producer on it thank you very much for sending that email. God damn it. I love to get paid to just have my name on something. Oh my God. Wouldn't it be amazing? Yeah, no. I said I was going to keep doing it until it became a TV show,

and then I got tired like two months ago. I'm like, I don't know if it's going to become a TV show, and I don't know how many times, because here's what I've learned. It's a lot of goddamn work to be a lady, as you know, and to put on the, to me, the most exhausting part is putting on the makeup. I just don't enjoy it. I don't love it. Um, and I, and I'm so I'm very alone. So I'm putting the, I'm taping these outfits to myself and sweating and got my camera in selfie mode trying to get these photos and it's a it's a lot so I would love to do it when someone's helped because to me the fun part is like solving the puzzle of like how will I make this outfit with

what I have here in the limited um ingredients that I have and I love making the outfit and it was kind of a skill that i've always had like i was a big theater nerd kid and was constantly having to make costumes for whatever show that i was doing so i've i've known how i've been crafty for a long time i just didn't really i didn't see it coming together in this way though wait oh my god i did go to a psychic no i had a psychic come to my house because he was a psychic who came to my friend's business and was like i see you guys not working together very soon and then two weeks later the plastic surgeon that they were all worked for

drove off a cliff in malibu and died oh my god by accident was the one that did heidi um heidi and spencer did, all her plastic surgery. He just accidentally died. So I was like, I want to go to that psychic because he is accurate. Years ago, he came over and he was like, I see you doing something.

He was like, I see you doing like something related to the Oscars. And I just did a short film that I'd submitted to the Oscars and it didn't qualify. And I was like, God damn it. I have to make another short film. And then he said,

I see you doing something with costumes and you're going to get into shape. And I'm like, okay, I'm getting into shape. I know Joss Whedon. He's going to put me in a Marvel movie. That's what's happening. I'm getting,

I'm going to, I'm going to be a superhero. I feel it. Yes. Well, I was like four years after that. I was still angry that none of that had come true until I realized it had because I had done the thing for the Oscars with E on the red carpet, making costumes.

I had gotten into shape because I was sick of the thing not coming true. And I thought maybe if I get into shape the the the psychics thing will come true and then he'd given me a dollar amount and that's what I've been paid by E so anyway all the psychic person was right wow just not in the way that oh I thought it was gonna be isn't that weird that is strange. I have seen several psychics. Not one of them has predicted anything in my life with any sort of accuracy. I met with a pretty famous medium. And so we did this pre-interview thing and they're like, are you a believer? And I said, no. And they asked me why. And I said, because a lot of questions are so open-ended and you fill in the blanks and you can look up a lot of stuff about me on the internet or listen to like my

podcast or whatever. And they were like, okay, well, this person is real. And I said, all right. So then I met with them and they were like, don't answer the open-ended questions if you feel like that's like a cheat. And I said, okay. So that's what I did. And they're like, wow, you gave him nothing. And I was like, you told me to give him nothing. And then he didn't say anything that I didn't already know. And then he was like talking about somebody in my mom's like personal history. And I was like, I don't know who you're talking about. And then I asked my aunt about it. She's like, oh, I have no idea what this person's talking about. And I was like,

I have yet to meet a psychic to tell me anything. So we are going to have to give me the name of that psychic. Cause I got to talk to them. Okay. Well to me, okay. This is me with everything. I'm a Gemini.

So, um, like half of me believes half of me, half of me is like, yes, it's real. And maybe I have part of the powers too. I'm a psychic as well. And then the other half of me is like, that's all trash real. And maybe I have part of the powers too. I'm a psychic as well.

And then the other half of me is like, that's all trash. I don't believe a second of it. It's all trash. So I don't know. I love I ideally I would love for the psychic stuff to be real, but I'm also so pragmatic and I'm just like skeptical and I don't know if it's any of it's real. Though my

friend has has a psychic stepmom we call her psm and uh she did some recently my friend was like hey um psychic stepmom told me that somebody in our group was depressed and uh and I and I went down the list and then I mentioned you and she's like yeah that's it and she like gave a good the I mentioned you and she's like, yeah, that's it. And she like gave a good specific reason why. And I was like, yes, she's powerful. She is a powerful witch.

So maybe it's you. Maybe you're susceptible to psychics. I don't know. I also have a thing where if I wear watches, like I short circuit electronic things. I can't wear watches. Like the batteries always die. So I don't know. I want to believe in all the magic stuff, but I just don't know.

I don't know. You know? I don't know either, but we do have to take a break. Oh! And we're back. We're back, people. We're back. We're back. We're back, people. We're back. We're back.

We took a nice little break and we're back in that nice. Okay, so Tom, let me ask you. So you mentioned that you've been on Grindr. Is that the only app you've been on? No, I'm on the app. You know, it's interesting that Tinder for gay people is like Match.com for straight people. And Tinder for straight people is like Grindr for gay people, if that makes sense. Correct. Absolutely.

So it's so interesting that, you know, I use Tinder to try and get a date. But to me, Tinder is like back in my early days being gay, in the 90s or early aughts, like, you'd walk past a gay person and, like, you'd turn around and see if they turn around too and see if they look back at you. And then you're like, oh, my God, they think I'm cute. And then if you're feeling really bold, you'd go up and talk to them and maybe get their number or something, right? But most of the time, you'd look back and talk to them and maybe get their number or something. Right. But most of the time you look back and you both get excited and nervous and scared.

And then you'd keep walking. Right. To me, that's what Tinder is. That's what swiping and matching on Tinder is, is the like, oh, did we both think each other was cute? Great. And moving on, never going to talk to you. And like occasionally people will talk. And I, for a while I had a rule on Tinder. Like you send a few messages and then I say, hey, let's meet up for a drink. Cause I just, it's just so sad and disappointing that no one's really meeting up from Tinder, at least in the gay realm. But I will say on Grindr, that's how I've met people I ended up dating. And I honestly kind of, I'm going to be real with you. I prefer if you have sex on the first date, at least for gay people, like there's

so much like, hey, are you top, bottom or versatile? And like, why, why am I going to wait three dates to figure out if we're going to match up in that arena. That's how I feel. And people keep telling me, they're like, you can't do that. Men won't respect you if you sleep with them on the first date. But I'm just like, well, you also slept with me. So like, why wouldn't you respect me if you were doing the same thing as me? I am, honestly, I'm still blown away

that so much of straight like male female straight dating because i have so many lady friends that they're still going by these archaic rules i don't like that just seems like such a more empowered place to be of like yeah if i want to sleep with you on the first date, I'm going to. And if you're going to fucking judge me for putting out on the first date and you can't take me seriously someone to date, then fuck right off. But it also, I do feel like the women, do women still hold all the, I feel like straight men are getting laid way less than gay men because the women are holding the power of when we're going,

when you're going to decide, you know, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. Does that make sense? Yes, yes, yes.

And I've had a couple of guys where I've slept with them on the first date where they're like, I don't want to sleep with you because I want to see you again. And I'm like, Oh my God, if you fuck me and it's good, you will see me all the goddamn time. It's that madonna

whore complex that straight men and i don't guess a lot of gay men are dealing with as well like but i just want to it's easier to have sex with you and be comfortable with someone that i haven't emotionally invested in or something and i mean you said top bottom verse. I, I maintain that street people have it too. We just don't name it. Like I'm a full blown power bottom. And like, I need someone like, I am an aggressive bottom.

Uh, and I just like need someone to top me. So I can, you know, you're just like, you're just like more, you are more in touch with your, your,

your, your wants, desires and needs. And you're more willing to talk about it. I just wish everyone would be more open to talking about it. And that's the thing with the gay stuff. It's like, like at least on grinder,

you, you can be like, I love that grinder had a spin-off website that was called into because that was like the second after sending photos it was like the first thing that everyone wants to know what are you into and then you would be like i am you know i like to make out i like to do this i am I am verse. Here are my stats. Here's what I look like. Here's some photos. Like, get it all out up front. Like, what are you into?

Like, let's just say, because then I can be like, okay, cool. Moving on. That's not a match for me. Or like, oh, I am in the mood to do that. And me personally, I'm versatile. I know that people make fun of that. But like, I want to do both. And so, like, let's match up or you know maybe for

for this time only i'm going to match up with you because for whatever reason i don't know i just i love that we can be up front and say hey i'm into this and i will find i found like the last couple people i dated was from grinder and we had great a great sexual chemistry and connection and then I was like oh hey you're also cool like let's hang out oh I will oh let me tell you this have you been to Scotland no I've never been I have not no no no I haven't been to Scotland I was supposed to go to Australia but that got canceled because of Miss Rona. So no, I've never been to Scotland. Okay. Here's what I'm going to tell you.

If you do as a performer, get the chance to go do, do a little run at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'd highly recommend it because you're going to have the time of your life because I don't know what it is. The hottest men are there. I am. I don't know why the young men's want to date me there what's i don't know what's happening but it's magical and you gotta go because also on

the hookup apps like on tinder and grinder like you can meet up and then like have a like delightful civil conversation afterwards maybe you have a drink you go to coffee afterwards like i don't know what it was because here a lot of the gays they want to just sort of like hook up and like bye but for some reason over there it was delightful and like i made friendships i had like a little summer fling i don't know what it is you gotta go get yourself there to perform get yourself some scottish gigs and then find yourself some sc some Scottish men because they're the they're just in the accent. I do love that accent. And I do find Scottish men to be very attractive.

I think he's Scottish. My I have a big crush. His name is Damal Gleeson. Do you know who he is? No. He's an actor know who he is? No. He's an actor. I'm going to look him up, though. And he's so hot.

Oh, no, he's Irish. He's from Ireland. Oh, well, I bet the same thing goes for Ireland. I don't know. Maybe it's because it's a smaller country, and they're just more friendly and well-mannered. I don't know. Also, do you date younger?

Do you generally... Like, are you on the apps? Are you on Raya? How do I get on Raya? Jesus. You're not on Raya? No, I can't get... They won't accept me.

I mean, it took two years for me to get accepted. I'm four years in and they have not accepted. Fuck Raya. Four years? That's crazy. Well, are you... As a well-known celebrity person, are you able to be on the apps? Yes.

I'm on them. It's been weird in the last year, year and a half. Honestly, ever since Nailed It came out, people have been weirder to me because before straight men didn't know girl code they didn't know my podcast they didn't really know my work but nailed it is very much like stoners kids parents like it's pretty universal so like more people will respond with like oh is our is our first date going to be us nailing it? And I'm like, oh, if only you didn't say that.

Say it like that. I mean, I would I would I'd rather somebody say like, wait till we meet in person to be like, oh, I know who you are. I'm familiar with your work. That's fine. to be like, oh, I know who you are. I'm familiar with your work. That's fine. But it's when you say it before we meet up,

it feels like there's expectations. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't create a level playing field. That's why I just sometimes when people ask what I do on the apps, I'm like, I work in production. I work in digital content because, you know, as soon as you say you're an actor or performer, they just want to know, like, oh, where can I find you? And then it just...

Okay, I will say I... Before the Rona happened, I'd gone on a couple dates with a really hot, young, like, out of my league, hot, younger gentleman. Stop it. Nobody's out of anybody's league.

That is a made up thing to make us feel bad. Okay. Well, then, okay. He's gorgeous and he's, you know, a solid, he's much younger than me. Okay. And I got, I was drunk at Ackbar and he said hi to me. And like i before i left i i don't know it was

the i haven't been this drunk in the longest time but i just like went up to him gave him my phone or got his phone number i can't remember what happened and then i the next morning was like i remember i i've been drunk texting with this man and i can't remember what he looks like but i remember he was cute and we went up we had a couple great dates and now waiting to go on a couple more but I did I didn't

know his last name but I knew we had a friend in common so I did a deep dive and I figured out his last name and then I found him on Facebook and then I just did discover he had some he posted some things from Buffy on Facebook and then I did discover he had some he posted some things from Buffy on Facebook and I was like but I

was like I respect that sir you kept it a level playing field he didn't come out with it and say like oh I'm a big Buffy fan because a lot of times I feel like am I are you a fan like did you enjoy me or am I just the closest thing to the thing that you

actually like, which is the show. Right. And so I, I kind of respect that, that he just like was cool about it. And I will continue to go out with him because he is a good kisser. Okay.

Sometimes it's very hard to find. You're just like, oh, we kissed. And this is awful. I had a date with a guy a couple years ago. We went out like six times or something. And we didn't have sex because I was trying to be a good little person and wait the way people had told me to. And I've never waited more than one date. So six was a lot. And when he finally kissed me, it was on our second date, I think. It was such a nervous kiss. And I was excited because I was like, he finally kissed me.

But then later I was like, ugh, it was such a bad kiss. Oh, no. I feel like also maybe if you'd made out on the first date, there wouldn't have been such a buildup and he'd be more relaxed and it would have been great. Yes, and I wouldn't have waited six fucking dates to find out that he couldn't get it up and, like, was not meant for me. Oh, God.

Anyone listening, like, let's just throw out the rules like everyone get laid on the first date find out if the d is good yes because otherwise you're just wasting your fucking time we don't have time because you can have like you can like on paper they can be the type of guy that like oh i could you know take home to mom and oh they've got they went to grad school they went to pepperdine and have a a master's degree in business oh my god like i picture myself the wedding we're gonna have a house in los feliz like if you don't have a good sexual connection, what's the point? What is the point?

I agree. But I will say this, like I've also dated people where the sex was like fine at first. We were like, all right, this is nothing to like scream about or like write home about whatever that fucking saying is. But like after like a couple more times and I just like tell them what I like

and they tell me what they like. It's like, oh, OK, this is nice. We can do this. That's true. Yeah, I guess if you're able to get to a place where you can communicate with that person. Oh, God, it's just so hard. I don't know why it's so hard to say like, hey, it feels good when you do this. Please don't.

Anyone pinch. Okay. Anyone pinching nipples out there? You got to stop. You got to stop that. Oh, no. I love to pinch nipples. But like not during sex.

It's like when we're laying down, I'll just like pinch your little nips. Oh, no. I got to stop. No, you don't have to stop. But you got to like, you got to feel out the situation. Okay. This is shocking and sort of terrible, but I had a drunken date and the guy got so drunk that after the fact, he went back upstairs to the restaurant where we were and he was like, I can't get back into the restaurant without showing them that we were already there so can you send me the a picture of the receipt from our bar tab i was like you sir are trash um and then he was like okay i'm like i paid i we paid cat it's like can you send me a screen grab

of your credit card bill i'm like stop trying to steal my identity anyway he's sneaky way to steal someone's identity because he could have gotten your credit card number i've been like i'm going shopping what an asshole anyway we were making out and he we were both he was we were both very drunk but he he we did the old like pushing of the head down with the hand. Yeah, that's not for me. No, thank you. And then he smacked me across the face. No, you can't do that unless that's like you've talked about it.

You have to talk about that. You have to like do a gentle tap on the on the on the Heiner for like on the booty first. And like you have to you have to feel out the situation. You got to read the room first. I also think it's perfectly fine to ask. It's like I want to slap you in the face. And then if the person goes, no, thank you. That's not for me.

You go, OK, I'll save that for later. Yeah. And I was like, I was so shocked and so devastated. I did keep going because I was in such shock. And I don't know, maybe that's a serious topic. You can delete this if you feel like it. But I just, you gotta ask permission. Do you want me to delete this?

No, you can keep it. I don't care. You gotta talk about it. You gotta communicate. And you like keep it. I don't care. You gotta, you gotta talk about it. You gotta communicate and you like, anyway. So anyway, this was going back to the pinching of the nipples. I hate when people like at a bar walk up to you, gay men will do this and they'll like ruffle your, your hair. They'll pinch your nipples or they're like tweak your nose. And here's what I have to tell everyone. Okay. Do not never touch the hair. You don't know how much work has gone into that. You don't know who's wearing. Sometimes people are wearing something that's glued on

and you don't know. So please do not go in for that, okay? And no judgments. I may get to the point where I need to glue something on. So please don't adjust that. Don't go in without permission. Also, my nose. Hey, look, I've got a big nose, big nose.

Maybe. We'll see. I have a big nose, and it's crooked, and there's a lot of equilibrium that I've established in there. And I don't want you touching that, okay? I can barely breathe through the one good nostril, the one septum that's working, okay? Don't tweak the nose.

And then finally tweak my nipples because you don't know if that hurts me or if I like that, like you, you gotta just ask permission. I don't understand why anyone is touching anyone without permission. I don't think I've ever had anyone tweak my nipples just like out in a bar. I've had people touch my hair, of course. And I like read them.

I'm like, don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. I do have one friend who loves to touch my feet. And I think he likes to touch my feet because it makes me scream irrationally. Because I'm just like, I don't know. Don't touch my feet. Feet are disgusting no like not to be rude and like read people with a foot fetish but like

why why why does quentin tarantino love feet so much okay i have a have a tale to tell i i had a shenanigan with a gentleman in New York. And he, I just like, I just wanted to make out. There was like a lot of tension, like that, like fun, sexual tension where like,

we just need to make out. And that's like basically what I wanted to do. And he came over and then he was like, I want you to put your feet in my face. Oh boy. And I was like, and I was like, oh,

okay, but I, can we make out first? And then he was, he basically like made me put his feet in my, in his face. And I was not turned on in any way. Cause I, for some reason I felt, I know he was wanting to be objectified, but I felt objectified.

Like, am I just some foot for you? Am I just some foot to you? Am I just, that's all you want? That's what you want? You're like, you wanted the big reveal is me taking off my disgusting sock and putting it in your face. Like, I, no, thank you, sir. I mean, the only way I could do like foot play truly

is if I was with a partner that like, I loved to the moon and back. And they were like, okay, I want to play with your feet. Go take a shower, wash your feet slip them into some slippers like they would have to be like at the optimal amount of clean there is no way i'm gonna take my foot out of my vans like take my like disgusting mishmash socks and like slap you in the face with my foot i can't like that is not for me i feel like the foot fetish people need to be there's hopefully there's a place where they can find each other

so they can take turns on each other's feet okay okay footplay.com oh god i just couldn't do it. Feet are so ugly. I don't know. I mean, they're fine. I don't know. Also, I had my toes done in high school. Oh, I love that.

No, I had ingrown toenail surgery. Oh, like surgery. Yeah. I thought you meant your toenails were just polished during high school and i was like okay queen let's get in i was like that's nice i like come through queen polished nails um come on flip-flops let's get sickening no i had extremely bad why am i telling you this i extremely bad uh ingrown toenails and i had surgery on one during like, while I was in a musical on stage and I was like,

Oh my God, you guys, I can't do the dance numbers right now because my, I just got my toe done. Um, and then I had the other one and then, and so like, I don't think the guy was,

the doctor was very skilled because like, I've always been now self-conscious of like, I feel like he took too much off of the toes toenails so i don't like the way they look um also he did what musicals what musicals were you in in high school oh god all of them um we didn't have a drama department at my school because i grew up here in california public school and like the, before I got there, the, the drama teacher had been fired for, um, for assaulting students. Very cool. Oh my God.

Uh, not cool, man. And way to be a cliche. Uh, and so then like I, we didn't have a drama department, so I was in the community theater and I did,

Oh God, he did all the shows. I did. You're a good man, Charlie Brown and the wizard of Oz and, um, HMS Panafore. Oh God, I just did them all.

But then I started directing them. I directed a then unknown five-year-old Amanda Bynes to be in our production of Annie. Amanda Bynes is currently pregnant and has a heart tattoo on her face. I know. I'm like, is this my fault? Had she not got into the biz because of me?

And the Camarillo Youth Theater? It is directly your fault, Tom. You did this. But also, if you know Amanda Bynes, please check in on her. I hope she's okay. Me too. My heart goes out to her. I love her so much.

She's so funny. Me too. My heart goes out to her. I love her so much. She's so funny. I know. She's such a talent, and I'm hoping she gets back to a good place. Me too. Took it to a serious place. That was the Amanda Bynes segment of my podcast. But finally, my high school,

they're like, well, we don't have a drama teacher, so you should do it. You've directed musicals at the youth theater. You should be in charge. So then I had to direct a production of The Music Man, which I hate that show. And anyway, I did direct it. I just wanted to be a star, and I couldn't because I had to direct it.

Have you seen The New Cats? Or not The New Cats, The Movie Cats? I have not. I've been saving it you have to watch it and if you have drugs take some drugs and watch it it is truly a treat it makes not much sense like i forgot that the whole musical is literally just introducing cats to go to the heavy side layer it's cats talk they talk about themselves they talked about some other cats and then one of them dies and goes to heaven yeah um i've actually been i've i haven't watched the

movie yet but i'm gonna watch it here in quarantine but i the past few months i so the sad part was that i had booked a space over at dynastywriter. Obviously, it's canceled now, but I've been writing a one-man, a new one-man musical called Cat, where I play all the cats, and it's all original music,

because I want to be able to do it everywhere and not get sued. It's a parody of Cats, but it's basically everyone in this community theaters like rip off production of cats gets food poisoning and i have to play all the cats and i work in the i'm the box office manager and i'm i literally i'm going to sell the audience their tickets and then have to get up on stage and sing all the songs and be all the cats but now i have more time to work on it and now I'm going to watch the movie

and see if that informs the production. So when you finally do it, it better fucking be good because you've had all this fucking time. I'm kidding. I'll come see it. That sounds like fun. Yeah, I think it'll be great.

But also like, I'm like, yes, I'm going to work on it every day. No, I'm not. I'm going to stare at my phone and be anxious for a month. Honestly, that's what i've done i saw this meme that was like what's my quarantine schedule get up at noon and look at my phone from noon 30 to about midnight and go to sleep and repeat i was like yeah that's all i've

been fucking doing thank god i have a podcast to like come back to and record i've been sleeping till one because i'm a monster and i'm like well this is my natural circadian rhythm anyway and i've always just been fighting it so now that there's no shame in fighting it and no guilt like i'm just living my truth and sleeping i mean it's nice i do enjoy the little break it nice, but I do wish I could leave my house. Tom, we've reached the end. I try to remember to ask all of my guests this, but I think you answered this right up top. Would you date me? A hundred percent. I'm legit considering if I'm a bisexual, like it's all time to question our fluidity and our sexual desires during this time love it and i honestly i'm gonna i'm gonna do some soul searching because i would like to

see if we can make this work oh perfect finally i can end the podcast i have a boyfriend i'm kidding i wouldn't end it i love talking about myself um Do you have anything you want to promote? Like your Instagram? Follow me at Tommy Lank on Instagram. I've been slacking on the costumes because I just want to go back to being an actor and do funny things. But maybe I'll make some more while I'm here in quarantine.

But also my podcast is called The Trash Cast where I make people bring me a trash and a treasure and I try to figure out which is which. So you can you can find that on all the places where you listen to podcasts. And it's it's real fun. And I love that. That's cute. Yeah, that's it.

That's what I got. I love it. And I'm a big fan of you. So thank you for having me. And I'm a big fan of you. Thank you so much for being, well, not being here, for hopping on your computer and talking to me.

If you enjoyed this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can subscribe on iTunes, you can rate it five stars. And if you send me a nasty message hitting on me, I will read it. This person said, I am no longer a taken gay, so now we can really have fun. I'd let you slap the shit out of me with your convertible top clit, referencing you telling

Sasheer your clit is like a drop top until sheer blunt force breaks my neck and makes me pass away. That's one. Here's another one. Nicole, I would fuck you all night long with a big blue strap on hit it from the back and play bongos on those lovely chocolate cheeks then I'll gobble gobble up that puss while doing a Guy Fieri impression of oh yeah and then for the grand finale I'll shout

one way ticket to Flavortown please before I eat that ass like high end groceries high end groceries that ass like high-end groceries. High-end groceries! That one was high-end groceries. That's so funny. Also, I have a podcast called Newcomers with Lauren Lapkus where we're watching Star Wars.

I almost just said Star Trek. Star Wars for the first time. And I have a book coming out June 2nd called Hashtag Very Fat, Very Brave. The Fat Girl's Guide to being brave and not a dejected melancholy down in the dumps, weeping fat girl in a bikini. So you can preorder that with the links in my bio. And that's it for why won't you date me? Thank you. Bye bye. This has been a Team Coco production.