Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Thriving Alone (w/ Harvey Guillén)

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

Actor Harvey Guillén (What We Do in the Shadows) is single but not quite ready to mingle. He discusses why he guards his profession from his dating life, how he found love on Instagram, and the important need for space in any relationship. Nicole reads some wild dating app profiles. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, see blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

um okay so i'm gonna be at helium comedy club in portland oregon thursday july 29th friday july 30th saturday july 31st more tickets have been added so it was sold out but it is no longer sold out you can head on over to uh portland.helium.com or the link in my bio on my Twitter or my Instagram at Nicole Byer at both. Okay, bye. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Please tell me why. Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you wanted to come in a jar, mix it with glue, and hang pictures on the wall, I would say, ooh, that's ingenious and intuitive, even though I think it's really gross. Anyway, my guest today is an actor that you know from shows like Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist and Magicians. Recently received a Critics' Choice Award nomination for the role or his role. What are your pronouns? He, him.

Okay. He, him. You're like, this is the worst intro I've ever gotten. So he recently received a Critics Choice Award nomination for his role as Guillermo in What We Do in the Shadows for which he was the first queer Latinx actor to be nominated in that category. It's

Harvey Guillem! Hi! Harvey, hi, how are you? I'm gagging over that intro. That was the best intro. I specifically like the... At the end, that's... You gotta keep it fun, keep it fresh. How are you? I'm good. I'm great. It's summertime. It's it's nice and warm. And yeah, I can't complain. How are you?

Listen, I'm doing well. Are you fully vaccinated? Or do you not believe in science? Absolutely science now. Or global warming. It's just, you know, God hugging us closer. No, I absolutely I have half a vaccine. I'm in Canada right now. And they're kind of a shortage in vaccines because they don't have big pharma really. So I have this theory that like America and Canada, we're best friends. And like 11 months ago, Canada was like, so you promised girl, you're going to give us the vaccine too when you get it. And America was like, of course we will. We're like in this together. Cut to last week and Canada's calling America at the beach. And it's like, hey, hello. It's like, who is this? It's like, it's me. It's Canada. And the US is like, I can't hear you, babe. Can I call you back? And it's like, I want those vaccines. I got to go, babe. I'll call you back. I love you so much. Hey, Russia, wait up. You know, I love it. America or no. Yeah. America is Mariah Carey. Canada is Jennifer Lopez. And guess what? She does not know her. I don't know her. Have you seen that video? Yes, I've seen that video. It's the hair.

It's the hair clip, right? Yes. So I like looked into like the whole shade thing but i looked into so she was made a sent me a long video that uh truly went through all of the things that happened between j-lo and mariah carey one j-lo doesn't sing at all like she puts her voice over sample tracks and i was like oh my god that is why none of her songs sound the same hey but I still love her I still love her I think she's incredible I think she's so hot

and I think she's like a performer you know what I mean like I don't really care that she's not singing right right right who said that I think it was Cher that said that I never saw a singer entertain her you know? I fucking love Cher. I saw her in concert. And one of her big things that she did on stage was skip across the stage.

And we were all like holding our breath. We're like, will she make it across? Because she's like 70 fucking years old. She made it across and we all screamed and lost our minds. I love it. Another big moment. She sat in a gondola and then just went across the stage and we were like, yes, queen, sit down. I thought you were going to say she sat in a gondola and went to the Palacio, just like into the casino. Honestly, that would be iconic. She has her iconic across the stage and fist pump, right?

She goes, doctor, walk, walk, fist, fist, walk, walk, fist, fist. Yeah. God, I love her. I love her so much. So yeah, to answer your question, I'm half vaccinated because when I went to the vaccine, they had a, well, first of all, I'm living in Toronto right now. I'm filming a project and I got a notice that the Zipco that I live in is at high risk. So they were like, you can go get your vaccine because that's how they're doing it.

If you're at high risk, you can actually go get it. And I didn't know that my neighborhood was. And I was like, oh, my gosh. And so my neighbor was like, you should go get it. It's at a racetrack. And I was like, what? And so you have to drive 45 minutes to a racetrack and go get your shot like a horse. I was like, okay.

So I drove 45 minutes. I live here, but I don't really have proof of anything. You know, it's just like my like parking permit for my car or whatever. And I was like, see, this is my whatever. And they gave me the shot. They put it in your register. They don't give you a card here like in America. That's an American thing. When you put your card, you're like, I vaccinated. They don't do that here. They put it on the computer. It's in the system. It's in your email. And then so I got the first one. I took a picture of this, but I looked up and it says your next vaccination will be in 16 weeks.

We'll notify you. Will you be in Canada still in 16 weeks? I'll be back in America. So they were like, that's fine. Just get your second dose in America. But I was like, that's terrible. I could literally go back to America, get the vaccination and come back. And I would still be on a waiting list to get it here. Wow. So,

but it was really sad because it was like families who drove 45 minutes and I guess it changes some of the zip codes at the last minute. And it was like Titanic. They were like crying. They're like, I drove 45 minutes. How come I can get like, sorry, sir, you have to. And it was a jazz trio trying to keep the beat up. So they're like, ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba in the parking lot. I was like, what's going on? Like, it was like the Titanic going down. Everyone's trying to get on a lifeboat. It was kind of sad.

But I think it's safer to just everyone get the vaccine. Isn't it wild that we have, like, elected officials? I mean, everywhere. Every place you live has elected officials. And then all of them are like, ah, we don't know what to do. And it's like, you fuck what? That's your job. We elected you.

You should have some sort of indication of what to do during a pandemic. Come on. It's your job. It truly is. Have you dated during the pandemic? Are you dating now? Are you single? Tell me about your relationships.

I am single and not quite ready to mingle i i feel you i saw a family walking yesterday mom and dad maskless they had a dog obviously maskless a daughter maskless and then their son was in a mask and i was like i feel you i get it you're just like you're not ready thought you were going to say the son was a mask. Like they had a mask. He was a mask with legs. And I was like, yeah, bring your biggest mask outside. I am not.

I just, yeah, it's not, I don't know if I'll be ready. And it keeps me, you know, occupied to be at work and stuff. So I'm like, I don't know, you know, I'm sure you can really, but like working like takes so much time, but then like when you do go on a date, it's kind of weird to meet someone, especially like I went on a date here. Uh, I think it was last year before the pandemic. Um, and kind of like dated for a couple of weeks and it was nice because they don't watch TV. They don't look into entertainment industry. And so for the first time I was talking to someone that didn't really know if I did something in LA, everyone's an actor, you know? So if you date someone, you probably know they're an actor, writer, whatever. And I

feel like for the first time, I was like, Oh yes, this is good. They don't even know, you know? And I want it that way. And then I was walking down the street with them and this lady pulled up with a car and I was like, she goes, excuse me, excuse me, are you,

are you Guillermo? And I was like, and I looked at his face and he had this look of like, is your name not Harvey? That honestly would be so funny if like you were not an actor and you were just stealing someone's identity and someone drives by and they're like, excuse me.

Yeah. And I think that's what he thought, because he looked at me like disgusted of like, have you been lying to me? And it's like, no, no, I wanted to tell you I am who I am. I am I am who I am. I say it's like, what are you saying? It's like, no. And I feel like it was like, you know, Jasmine in a lot. And it's like, I am the princess of Agrabah. So wait, you don't tell people like up top.

You're not like I'm an actor and I'm pretty I'm pretty successful. Like I pay my bills with it. I don't have a day job. I try. I don't. And that's why I probably don't date a lot. Wait, Harvey. OK, so we're on a date right now. I'm, um, what is your type? Tell me. I have a like variety. Like I've dated like so many, like people, not so many people,

but like, it's like, it varies. Like I really kind of like have to meet the person, talk to them. I sometimes fall for people after I've met them through acquaintance, like as a friend, I'm like, I really find this person attractive because something about them, or sometimes you meet someone like, Oh, they're so annoying. And then something about them, you're like,

I kind of like that, you know? So it goes both ways. So I, we're on a date right now. I'm a person that you find kind of annoying, but like also endearing. Okay.

So, uh, what do you, what do you do for a living? what do you do for a living? Why is that their voice? Why is that their voice? I was really trying to go for kind of annoying but endearing.

Are we at a restaurant? Why are you yelling? I'm sorry. We're outside in a park. we're outside in a park. We're outside in a park. Is it quiet outside? Is there construction happening? There's a little bit of construction.

It's a little bit loud outside. Yeah, so what do you do? So what I do for 11 is you hear the construction. I'm a construction worker. So yeah, Harvey, what do you construction. I'm a construction worker. So, uh, yeah, Harvey, what do you do? I'm a writer. Oh,

okay, like poems? Yeah, poems, like, you know, I sometimes write scripts, you know, just scripts. Yeah. Scripts? You okay? Oh, well, if a script really got me me i gotta say the scripts

hey so any of them get like produced uh i'm in the work right like i'm working on one right now that hopefully will get made so yeah wow you are guarded uh yeah because because i'll tell you it's not a lie i i am a writer you know as well so like you know we're we're multi-talented you know you are not just a comedian you're also everything under the sun you know it's like so it's not a lie it's like i i do write and i have written stuff and so i think that avenue is always like a safer one because you'll always like filter out who's like i know you're an actor you know like they'll like'll like pop up and say, oh, I also do that. And once I know that, then it's like, well, then that, that wall is dropped. Like, well, let's not put on like a, let's get to know each other, you know, from the scratch. Like, it's like, we don't know

each other at all. It's like, well, we already know then let's be honest, you know? So that's a good start, I think. But that's why I was so impressed when I was talking to someone and they had no interest in the entertainment industry. They had no interest in that world. They didn't have a TV, really. They were like, I don't watch TV. And it's like, great. But if they don't have a TV, like, what do they do?

They read books. They listen to records. Yes, yes, books. I forget about books. And they do go to the movies and stuff but it was it's always like a safer bed they didn't have television uh but eventually the truth comes out and eventually I do like you know it's like oh I also you know act and yada yada but that's like date number five fair I mean yeah I guess I I think I used to do that a lot. I used to try to like,

not let people know what I did at all, but now I just tell them, I'm just like, uh, you know, whatever. Like I, I try not to make it like braggy. Cause sometimes I feel like it's braggy. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Very that. And you try hard to be like humble but also proud of what you do and that's a very hard thing to like balance it's like balancing on like a tightrope you know just like uh i act and it's like oh and like the next question usually like anything i've seen you in you know it's like that was the whenever you talk to like anyone who you know i would meet you know somebody's parents or something oh here you're an actor anything i've seen you in you know and then you have to go down your resume which is always weird oh see I don't do that when people go oh anything

I've seen you in I go oh if you have to ask then no and it's pretty humbling thank you so much god bless I'm gonna steal that because I feel rude and I go oh and then I start thinking of a demographic that they might have seen like they're not gonna see like my you know Nickelodeon show you know it's like they're not going to see like my, you know, uh, Nickelodeon show, you know, it's

like, well, you're not the demo for Nickelodeon. You never know. You never know. You never know. Actually, you're right. You never know. So I try to pick something like, maybe you've seen me in this. And they're like, I don't think so.

And it's like, okay, no, the game's over. That's why I don't do it because it's like, you say one thing, they go, no. And then you're like, oh, what about this? And you're like, no. And then you start to be like, oh, I guess I'm not as successful as I thought I was. I guess I'm not thriving. And I once did that to somebody. I may have told this story on this podcast.

At this point, I don't know what stories I haven't told these people. But I was working at this restaurant called Chat and Chew in New York. I do not think it's there anymore, but he's now a very famous comedian. He was mildly successful. He'd been on like one or two shows and he came in alone and he was like, table for one. I was like, oh, okay, right here. What do I know you from? Like, where do we meet?

And he was like, I don't think we've ever met before. And I was like, are you sure? And he was like, yes, I'd remember you. And I was like, oh, okay. But like, where do I know you from? And he's like, I'm on television. I was like, that's not it. And then I was just like that annoying person.

So I try to be very like cognizant of it and then just like stop it before it happens. I just being like, no, if you have to ask, no. Can I borrow that? I'm going to do that then. Yes, please take it happens. I just being like, no, if you have to ask, no. Can I borrow that? I'm going to do that then. Yes, please take it. It's for everyone. Thank you.

You work so much. It's honestly such a treat. Like, congratulations. I love it. Thank you. I mean, kudos, you know, and ditto to you as well. But I also feel like when people see us work, I'm speaking for both of us now, uh, they don't see like the years, the years that like, you know, like the hard like ship that like people always want to, you know, discover like the new

face or like, you know, Oh my gosh, they, you know, it's like the, but they don't see like the years of like, you know, waiting tables and like, you know, going to auditions and not getting a callback and, you know, all of that stuff, they see the outcome, which is like, there he is successful. And it's like, right, but it's on like, you know, years of working at it. And, uh, but yeah, I, I'm very blessed and fortunate and has been a really good, uh, last couple of years. blessed and fortunate and has been a really good uh last couple years and i'm so grateful to be working you know at during this pandemic too because as we know a lot of our you know fellow artists and peers uh it's been tough you know productions have been down and you can't do live shows and comedy you know is uh stuff that you could do in person it wasn't that was tangible

before it's just now slowly. Like, how do you feel about that? Like, it's like the idea that like, we could go and see you do stand-up, which is part of the experience, you know? I know they do like cons, like digital cons and stuff. And I've done, you know, because we used to do comic cons for our show. And now we do virtual cons, which is not the same, you know, because it's still fun. because it's still fun, but it's something about being in front of a person who it means so much to be there to see you,

to see you perform, to do, you know, your stand-up routine. Like, that's part of the experience, and you can't change the formula that that's part of it. Yeah. I didn't really do very many digital shows this year because I was like, I spent a long time learning how to do live comedy, and I was like, I don't. I I was like this is me saying this pandemic will end if I learn how to do digital shows that

means I'm saying I surrender to this this is life now um by the time this airs so this will air in July we're recording this in June I still haven't done my first weekend of shows yet, but I'm like really excited to like get back on the saddle, get back on the horse. Is that a that's a phrase? Yeah. Hop back on the horse or whatever. Get back on the bicycle. Yeah. Get back on the bicycle.

Get back on the dirt bike. Get back on the jet ski. Let's go into the ocean. She's ready. But I'm just nervous about people wanting to do like a meet and greet after. I don't want to be an asshole. I am fully vaccinated. I don't know what other people's stories are. And I kind of like having a bubble. Like I was walking my dog the other day and this man, you know, everyone was like performatively going around each other, like walking into the street.

Yeah. People aren't doing that anymore. And this man like rubbed shoulders with me and i was like i don't want to get in the street so now i've continued it i'm like well i'll go in the street this is all to say like yes i love people i just people close talk their spittle i was like now that i've lived a year without that, I was like, ooh, wouldn't that be nice to continue that? But like, I don't want people to get mad at me. I mean, they can't get mad at you. I think that people would be so happy to be in within six feet of what this performance is, as opposed to through a screen. You know what I mean? And through something that's not tangible, even though they won't, shouldn't touch you.

It feels nicer to see you know from a you know like three feet away six feet away on stage uh i think it makes huge difference in theater like i was thinking about theater the other day and like how they were doing like you know watch broadway on you know on tv and it's like that's a movie yeah that's just the part of theater is the experience of sitting down and the orchestra getting ready and the music starting to play and the curtain and you're like, everyone's quiet and the energy. All of that is like that crackle that comes with it with the live performance. That's the only word I can think of is that crackle. You can't duplicate that crackle through a screen.

I fully agree with you the only thing i think that has done it well is hamilton the the disney plus the disney plus production of it they i think they did like six performances and cherry picked the best performances from it and i was like lynn managed to capture the magic of the original show because i saw it with the og cast okay no you're absolutely right. I think because that was shot with a great DP, you know, it's like the angles and how she did it. And also the stage for Hamilton is pretty simple visually to watch, but it's so cool, you know, but if you shoot it from different angles, it kind of changes the vibe and the lighting and everything. So it was the perfect formula, I think, for that.

and the lighting and everything. So it was the perfect formula, I think, for that. But then you think of stuff like Little Mermaid or something, and it's like, looks weird on screen, but it's like you can see the harness and it's like... In the Little Mermaid, I think in the Broadway production, they were on roller skates. And I don't think they were on roller skates when they did the ABC version of it.

And I was like, guys, give, give me, give it to me. Give me the roller skate. I want to see that flow. I want to see that flow. Give me them. I want to see those Heelys. I might get Heelys. I miss roller skating so much.

Well, I dislocated my ankle in November and you'd think I'd be back to normal activities by now. I'd like dip my toes into pole dancing. But like roller skating kind of terrifies me because it's better to just break your body. Did you know this? No. What? Yeah, it's better to break an ankle. It's better to break your arm, break your finger, then sprain it or dislocate it because a clean break can just heal.

A dislocation is like, wait a minute. So we still kind of half there, but not half there. I don't know what to do, bitch. It's going to take me a minute. And that's what my body's doing. It's saying, bitch, I'm taking a minute. It's just like that shelf that you started to build and you just leave it there. You look, keep looking back at it. Is it done? No, I still need to pay. Yes. My ankle right now is a half done Billy bookshelf from Ikea. Okay. Like she is rickety and she is not finished. Uh, real quick. We have to take a break. and we're back okay so harvey are you on the apps at all i'm not i mean not really no i was on my friends were like i'm gonna recommend you to raya which is the yeah like the artist one which felt really kind of like i don't know it felt weird and um and clearly i don't really go on it because i think it went like eight months without me checking and

then one day i was like oh that's right and i checked and it was like message from like you know people but there was like from months ago and it was like okay i get but then they got like angry like it was like oh okay they're like hey what's up oh okay i see and it's just like what no like made up their own assumption of me like just leaving them on read but i didn't like it's like i didn't even open but i really don't do a lot of the apps i think you know i've actually met an ex through instagram which is an app uh and so yeah i know people meet people through instagram and listen i don't fucking did you slide into the dms did they slide into like what how how did this happen they slide into my dms

because we had a mutual friend and they're like oh my gosh i love x so you know and i was like oh my god me too i'm sorry have we and it's like no blah blah and it's like oh okay and then take it from there and then but then it's kind of like uh it's always weird when you get like a dm you know because then it's like but i just i guess that was years ago too that was like probably four four or five years ago that that happened so it was was kind of like, uh, this is new. This is okay. Right. Uh, it's kind of like date. And then also, uh, I learned my lesson. Like it was like, that was probably not the best. And then even though we ended up being in a relationship for like two years, uh, which was, I know, uh, from it all started with the DM. Uh, but then I looked

back and I was like, that's probably the best, but also you should just always follow your gut, you know? And if at that moment I felt that it was okay and I was like, Oh, and then continue the conversation and grew into something, then that's fine. But then there's been times where I follow my gut. I'm like, yeah, I think this stops here, you know, which is why you have a gut for a reason. Yesterday I went to a dinner with like a couple of girlfriends and they were talking about like following your gut and like doing what you think you should do to be in a relationship. And like all of them were in relationships and I was the only single woman and I was like, oh, great. This is going to be the rest of my life. How delightful and beautiful and refreshing.

I love this. Everyone's like, oh yeah, I left him at home. Tea. And I like oh yeah i left him at home and i was like i left nobody at home and my dog is at home truly a treat to hear over and over again but my one friend was like you kind of have to just like follow your gut and then like kind of give up and like maybe like just like give up and when you're like least expecting it you'll find somebody and it wasn't like pointed at me it was just like a universal theme that everyone was like yeah yeah but they all have like partners in the table yes yes and when i heard that i was like what i can't give up on it because that feels like I'm giving up on me.

And I don't like that's not I don't do that. I don't think you should give up on shit. No, you got to keep at it. And also we it's it's life. So, right. It's like learning experiences. So like everything's a stepping stone. Even if something doesn't work out, you're going to date.

And it was like, we're never seeing each other again. That was a stepping stone. You know, it's like I got out there. I'm like, I'm dating. And now I know what I don't want, like this thing I do, but I did like this, you know, part of that person like this and that, like, it's a learning experience. And I don't know, it's just weird to like, I also find that this quarantine I was people were like, Oh, God, it's gonna be so tough. Because of course, being single during quarantine, and mental health and all that. But I really found myself that like I kind of thrive being alone.

Like I kind of like I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to be in a relationship. And I also like being in a relationship and I also need my space. So when I am in a relationship, I find myself needing space. Like there's like days where I come home from work and I'm just like, you know, and it's just like starting a conversation right away from coming home from work. And it's like, I need like two minutes, you know what I mean? Like, I just need to like go to my room and decompress and just be like, whew, whatever, you know? And then, but cause I do like, I like being on my own, but I also, we're're human so you want that like tangible you know

connection and affection with a human being but then there's times when I'm like if I got married I think I would need like several rooms like it'd be like there's the office there's our like bedroom together there's also my room that's all mine and you cannot come into

my you know I think I would need that. I just feel that. Yeah, that's exactly what I want. Right? Right? Yeah, I was, I've been thinking about it and I was like, yeah, like I have my room. You have your room.

We pick whichever room we sleep in for the night. If I have to work super early, I'll sleep in my room. If you have to work super early or do something where I'm like please do not disturb you sleep over there and like we're fine with that I like that see this is my like theory and people think it's weird when I say it out loud like it's like why is this weird yeah like I don't understand a couple that can live in like a studio apartment nope or and like no shade if you can't afford anything more like especially like in New York or LA or something. But I'm like I would try to figure out a way. Yeah. To not I or like I would just I'd be like we live together but like you also have your own apartment. Right.

Right. Like we need separate space. Yeah. Yeah. Because I also think that it adds something people like well that really tests you and see if you're meant to be together. I don't think they should be forcing yourself to be tested when already a relationship is something that you're building and it's so fragile. Why would you throw a screwdriver in the middle of building something? Like, why would you start building be like, OK, for funsies, we're going to be living in a studio apartment with no hot water for the first week. Here's some fun. Won't that be a dream? Yeah. Yeah. I fully, I want, and I guess if I was like with somebody and they were like, that's not okay with me, I'd be like, oh, okay. Then like, this isn't okay.

Like then we don't, we don't mesh. Then already you're like, this isn't going to work out period. That's see, that's another reason why when that conversation comes up, when I do date someone that's always like, Oh, and it's just like, is that, you know, and then that's one of the first steps of like,

is that okay? You know? And it's like, yeah, I see, I see where you're coming from. That does make sense. Okay.

Next step, you know, one more towards the right direction and see if it works out. But I never understood where. And then also it makes you codependent on someone. And I don't want to be codependent on anyone. I don't like the idea that, you know, no shade to anyone, obviously, who's like, you know, can't do anything without their partner.

Like everything they do is with their partner. Like if they go somewhere, you invite them somewhere, their partner is automatically. But you know what I mean? We didn't throw shade at them. That's insane. Okay. It's kind of a little fucking shade and it's like bring that person every fucking where

yeah i've had conversations with friends where i'm like this is just us like you can't keep bringing this person yeah and it's like you talk to them they talk together and it's like you can't even pull them aside to be like can i talk to you really quick oh oh he's kind of okay well i guess we're gonna do it together you know what i mean it's like, you can't even pull them aside to be like, can I talk to you really quick? Oh, he's kind of, okay, well, I guess we're going to do it together. You know what I mean? It's like a pair that moves together, which is kind of like, fine, if it works for you. It just doesn't work for me. And it's always, it always makes me feel like an outsider when other couples are like, oh, God, don't you want someone to do this with?

And it's like, no, I don't want someone to do that. I don't want someone to do this with? And it's like, no, I don't want someone to do that. I don't want someone to do that with, um, because I want someone to do different things that I find makes us into a couple or, you know what I mean? I don't have to be a touch, like, you know, attach at the hip and that always blows my mind. And so I'm really glad that you said that because I, you're probably one of, I can count them in one hand that I've met in my life. I think an ideal relationship for me is at home. We like watch TV. We cuddle. We have a nice time. We tee hee hee. And then during the day we have our own separate lives. Like I'll go to work or I hang out with friends or like at night. Sometimes I go hang out with friends and he's fine doing or they're fine doing whatever they want to

do. But like, it's not like, oh, you've been out every night this week want to do yeah but like it's not like oh you've been out every night this week and i'm mad and it's like well friend you gotta get out too yeah or the idea that you have to ask permission be like can i have a boys night again that's twice this year you know it's like that's twice this year yeah please for the love of god go have a boys night yeah go do whatever you want yeah i think i so my old roommate um so my roommate he has since moved out and uh i now live alone for the first time ever in my whole life uh because i lived with my family when i was a youth and then when i went to college, I had roommates. And then when I lived in New York, I had roommates moved to LA, had roommates. And I just never thought I'd live

by myself. I was like, I love having an audience. He moved out with his boyfriend. And I was like, Oh, maybe I wasn't like fully seriously ready to like let someone into my heart because I already had that male presence that I needed. Whereas like I have a man at home. Sure. He don't fuck me at all. It's okay. I just have that male presence. So like now I'm like,

oh my God, she lives alone. Her heart is open. Love come to me. I have like a candle that I burn. This love come to me candle. I now have that i burn this love come to me candle i now have tarot cards i have a shaman i'm like so fucking hippy dippy right now and i'm like she's already i love that song

she's already she's already but i was like going through tinder last night and my god some of these people are truly i've never done tinder should i do tinder no no i mean sure i if you wanted to he have a nice little chuckle honestly it's a real treat so this man paul said i i'm a successful businessman hotel airline owner not looking for one night stands, lives in London and Italy, looking for a fun loving lady to travel with, dance, tango, have fun, see where the journey takes us. And I was like, this is insane. That sounds like a breakdown for a character for a villain. It truly does. I was like, businessman.

Okay. You own hotels and airplane? What airplane do you own? Delta? Like, sir, what do you mean? And then this man, okay, this is Gary. Gary says, I have a high IQ, a big dick, and a big heart. I like to spend too much money on sushi taking the bus gritty urban hikes bike rides

bike rides and rush hour traffic in victorian literature i happily have no social media if you catch a vibe then swipe and let me take you out. That sounds like a serial killer. He did sound like a serial killer. And I was like, is Gary doing a bit? Like Victorian literature, riding a bike in bus hour traffic, spending money on sushi, taking the bus. I was like, this is like kind of funny. I think it's serial killer.

He doesn't leave a trace behind. He doesn't have social media, so you can't look up at him. He takes public transportation, so he doesn't have to register his car. He spends too much on sushi, but he rides bicycles in rush hour traffic. He's trying to get away from something. So all these are just hints of serial killer on the loose. Victorian literature, he reads old killers from old England.

What's his name? Taking the bus so he doesn't have to register a car is truly like your wheels were fucking turning see that is wild okay i have a couple more he's jack the ripper okay this man said this is george george says george he's it's spelled slightly wrong jorge is it j Jorge? Oh, maybe Jorge? Jorge? I don't know. But he's respectful, educated, looking for a friend, have a huge oral giving fetish,

like to spoil, feeling more generous this holiday weekend. That was on Memorial Day that I found him, and I was like, oh, okay. And these are messages that are sent to you or you're just reading their profile no no this is just their profiles that i've been enjoying this is amir very very handsome sitting with his shirt like off he's near a lake and then all his profile says is

i bake a great pie oh you start dating him right now you hear me you start dating him right now. You hear me? You start dating him. I mean, maybe. Shirt off, making pies. I'm here for that. But if that's all he has on his profile, he knows that he's like, I know what I have to offer. And here's an extra thing. I can make pie. Like, it sounds like he's the package. And he just added the cherry on top. He just said, I can make pie.

And by the way, here's a picture. Make your own assessment. Yeah, I guess so. Here's the last one. This is Patrick. picture make your own assessment yeah i guess so here's the last one this is patrick patrick's uh the only thing his profile says is i only type in lowercase letters because fuck capitalism and then he's got a ninja emoji and i'm truly i like i was like what does this mean oh what on earth could this possibly mean? He fights for what's right. He fights capitalism.

He's a he's a crusader for the underdog. I don't know. I you're like the dating profile whisperer. I'm like, this doesn't make sense. You're like, actually, he left us all the clues. It does make a lot of sense. If I had to pick from any of those for you to maybe potentially go on a date, it would be Pie Boy. Okay. Not serial killer. He sounds like Jack the Ripper. He's not leaving a paper trail. And definitely not the guy who owns several airlines and hotels and led with a big dick.

and hotels and and led with uh a big dick i i've been on hinge a bunch and i have see i'm not on that either you're not on hinge what is hinge a hinge is nice hinge i believe used to be uh like friends of friends through facebook i believe that's how it started. But now it's just like a normal dating app that I think is owned by Tinder. I think Tinder owns a ton of dating apps. I know Bumble was started by a woman who worked at Tinder and then created Bumble. I was on Bumble for a second. I did do Bumble for like a hot second. And then I think I forgot about it. I just like it doesn't seem like dating is a priority for you. It does. It really doesn't.

It usually, no, I guess it doesn't. And again, it's just like keeping busy is keep my mind of like away from that. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's always fun to like, you know, meet someone, which we can't right now because of COVID and like have a fling for a couple of weeks or whatnot. But you can, you're half vaccinated if you get someone who's fully vaccinated the face you're making is so funny you're like absolutely not this is blasphemy you're talking nonsense i can't handle this you must shut up no i just the idea i think

i think i'm just still in like i i'm in canada right now and again it's like america's all vaccinated we're not so but i'm still in like the mindset of last march where it's still kind of like i'm terrified and the idea and also because you know when you work on set especially during this pandemic they test you every day like i every day I'm reminded of like the seriousness of this, you know, scenario. And so every day I get a swab up my brain and, um, and lobotomy to, you know, to get tested. And it's just a reminder every day. And so it's like that reminder doesn't go away. And then after you're done, you know, filming the reminder still there for some, cause it's like traumatic. It's like, I wonder how much, like if it was going to have like, you like you know uh post-traumatic like covid filming stress of like the trauma I mean yeah my therapist said that there were gonna

feel effects from this for like a very long time and I was talking to my friend Maureen and she was like yeah conversations are weird I have to like tell my brain to finish a sentence and not just walk away from people and I was like oh. I guess like the first dinner I went to after, everyone was kind of like staring at each other, being like, do we take out our phones now? No, no, we keep talking. What do we talk about? We talked about, we caught up for 10 minutes.

Nothing has happened this year. What are we, what are we all doing? Yeah. So yeah, I think it's going to take people like a little bit to get back into the groove of things. Some people, they're already there. But you know those are the people who are just like living their lives through this pandemic they were in

puerto vallarta last april you know they were like i mean a lot of funny shit happened a lot of terrible shit happened like i'm not gonna you know marginal or not marginalized minimize what happened this last year like a lot of people died but did you follow that uh instagram account that was like fuck it was like gays gays for covid or whatever yes i was like this is so funny this means people who follow people are submitting their friends to this Instagram to be like, shame them, shame them. It was truly so nuts. It was crazy, especially the ones that were part. You could sense that were part of that community because they got an email saying like, and please don't share this on social media.

We'll be partying in Puerto Vallarta. And they screenshot it. And it's like that was only submitted because you were part of that group somebody right at their own like secret society out it's so wild yeah I just I guess by like mid-June last year they were like you could do things outside I was like okay I'm cool staying at home and like roller skating outside or like whatever. Yeah. All the people like I have a friend who lives in Florida who was like, I will keep living normally. And I was like, well, you're in the perfect state to do that.

And he's fine. So, you know. Yeah. That's what's upsetting is that you see people who are doing their best to like stay healthy. And then unfortunately, they somehow, you know, catch this because they best to like stay healthy. And then unfortunately they somehow, you know, catch this because they have to go to work. They're a first line, you know, responder or whatnot. And it's unfortunate. And then you see someone who's just not following the rules. It's like that kid who didn't do the assignment, you know, as a group activity. And at the last day he puts his name on it and it's like, yeah, we did it. And it's like,

you didn't do it. You didn't do shit. You didn't do it like you why is he getting a good grade it's like we did it let's go party and it's like you didn't do shit you did everything wrong um it's just frustrating honestly that truly was me in school people like my sister used to get so mad at me she was like i don't understand how you graduated high school you didn't go to enough school. I never showed up. I was like, what's the fucking point? This is the first time in my life where I was like, I'll follow some of these rules. But it was because I didn't want to cost anybody money. And I was like, I don't want to die. I haven't seen a fat person get it and then be like, I'm thriving. Although somebody did get in my DMs. I may have told this story before, but I got several DMs from a person who didn't have a picture in their profile on Instagram.

They're like, I'm fat. I got it. I'm fine. And my girlfriend, she's fat. She got it. She's fine. And I was like, this is literally COVID. Like DMing me, being like, go outside without a mask.

And I was like, I won't do it. The devil. No, it's true. Okay, real quick, Harvey, we have to take another break can you even and we're back so do you think that you are not interested in a relationship because you work a lot and you're worried that a relationship will distract you from work no not necessarily um i do know you know people uh have joked like well i guess you don't need a relationship because you're married to your career you know um which is uh not true mean, like at the end of the day, it's like a relationship is great, but no one's been by your side except for you since the beginning.

And so you've got to love you, you know, and when you love you and everything falls into place, then you'll be able to share that love with someone. And they can be in a relationship with you because you love them and they love you and you understand each other. But yeah, this business is tough. Like I was in a relationship a couple years ago and it was tough to like be on a different coast, you know, like I was working on the East Coast and we call the West Coast home. But really in the last two years, I've only been in LA like two months. And like, that's because all my work takes me out of the country. And that's not fair to the other person. If that's not okay with them, like, you know, first you meet someone that like, no, I'm totally cool. I can do like long distance. Like, are you

sure? And it's like, no. Okay. Okay. And then it starts to wear down and it's like, okay. It's like, you didn't call me last night. I was like, I got home at four in the morning and it's like, but it's only one in LA. And it's like, I know, but it's four here. And I was working 16 hours. So I was kind of tired. And it's like, wow. Okay. I don't want to fight about, you know, my boyfriend doesn't want to just call. And it's like, okay, this isn't, this isn't good. This isn't good for you because you deserve someone who's right in front of you tangible and you have that love to give. And I deserve someone who knows that if I work 16 hour days, I'm going to be a little tired and might not be able to call at four or five in the morning to say goodnight. You know what I mean?

And that's the difference. And the difference is you have to find someone who's compatible, even though some people say I am compatible. It really does test you, you know, as you like grow together and things happen because we also change. So what I wanted two years ago might not be what I want today and definitely not going to be what I want tomorrow. So what I wanted two years ago might not be what I want today and definitely not going to be what I want tomorrow. You know, and so you have to really kind of be selective and see who's growing with you or eventually are you growing apart? Yeah. I also think people have the notion or like even I have this notion until very recently that it was like when you're in a relationship, it's forever. And truly up until like a couple months ago, I was like, oh, I guess it's not for forever. It's for however long it lasts. And when it's not good, you got to get out.

But that's okay though. That's fine. That's perfectly fine. Because I think we were, you know, taught traditionally that, you know, you get married, you marry your high school sweetheart and that's it. And you have a life with them. But also this was like years when like people weren't expected to live past the age of 45. You know, it's just like an olden days. So now it's like people are finding themselves that they're growing as they get older. People are like finding who they are at 50. People are coming out, you know, out of the closet at like after having a full life with a wife and four kids.

And they're like like you know what like I never really asked myself this question but yeah I love my family you know like and they've completely started a new life and that's perfectly normal and we should normalize that it's not it shouldn't be like how dare and it's like no it's like why is it that in our minds we're supposed to be with the one person for the whole you know know, I mean, look at J-Lo. Yeah, J-Lo has broken up with A-Rod and is now back with Ben Affleck. My God, what a treat. What a beautiful circle to come right back home to.

I love it. Honestly, Ben Affleck, I've loved him through the pandemic because I was like, I again may have said this on the podcast. I don't know. But I'm like, does he have a deal with Dunkin Donuts yeah how is he always getting photographed with Dunkin Donuts how do they always know he's been to Dunkin Donuts to take a picture in front of his house I was like is he getting paid I think he just likes that he's a he's from Boston right he's an east coast boy so, he's from Boston. But every single day you're photographed picking up packages in front of your house with Dunkin' Donuts. That's true. I think Dunkin' Donuts, it would be beautiful marketing.

It would. Is there a Dunkin' Donuts? Does he live in L.A.? I don't even know if I've seen a Dunkin' Donuts in L.A. There is a Dunkin' Donuts in L.A. There is one in Glendale. Okay. Now we're just giving free commercial to Dunkin' Donuts.

Yeah. There's also one in Hollywood. I believe it's like Hollywood and Vine right by that Shake Shack. Yes, there's Dunkin' Donuts. Okay. They have arguably better coffee than Sturbex but like i just don't like the font i think it's goofy it's bubbly right it's like yeah like yeah and it's like pink and orange it does it's too much it's too dang fucking much i'm gonna check it out when i'm back in la because

i hadn't seen one in la what do i know i don't i don't fucking live in la anymore they have in canada they have uh what is it, like Tom's? Tim Hortons. Timmy's, they call it. They do have a good ice cap at Timmy's, I have to say, when we do a late night, when you have to be up all night, if you just have one small Timmy's, because it's all sugar. It's just sugar with

ice. You just have that. You're like, clang, clang, clang with that trolley, and just go on until 6 a.m. Literally, you don't need a Red Bull. You just need one small Timmy's and you're good to go. I love split days. Like I love rolling to work at noon and not leaving till 4 a.m. And I'm the only person in America who loves them.

I like that too. Really? I feel like everybody I talk to is like, no, I need to see my family and I need a life and I'm like no I don't have a fucking family and for right now this is my life I want to wake up late and then I want to wake up rested and be like

11 a.m. just get ready be on set by 12 go until 4 a.m. sleep again you know and hopefully have the next day like a later call so the next day you're called at 2 in the afternoon ooh I love that push you better give me my my 12-hour turnaround give it all to me oh boy i haven't had a job in a minute i miss i've only had like days but i'm like i miss being on a production uh are you guys are you guys not shooting What is it Nailed It

Nailed It is only like two weeks That's it Yeah people are like when do you sleep And I'm like all the time You have the perfect schedule You have the most amazing schedule Yeah it's only because we shoot an episode a day And then each season is only six episodes

So it's are you guys done for the season or have you start for during the pandemic yeah the last season double trouble came out and we shot that last year uh so then i don't know if we're coming back for another season hopefully we will i enjoy my job um yeah and And then Wipeout comes back. I think that was announced. I'm pretty sure that was announced. Mars, I'm going to have to double check that. Or you can Google it now, but I think it was announced.

So, yeah. So I'll go back to that, I think, in the fall. But, yeah, right now I'm just like, okay, I have stand-up dates. So I think it's like the summer is about Nicole getting her groove back on stage. I went to New York to do a show and you did recently. Yeah. This was like last month and I was going to do 40 minutes, but then I was like, oh boy, I'm exhausted.

I think I did my 40. I've been to a coal buyer. Have a good night. And I looked down, I was like, I did 28 minutes and I'm tired. my god I was like how did I do an hour an hour plus sometimes if the crowd liked me I'd do like an hour 15 and I was like I don't know how that's gonna happen it's like swimming laps like you stop swimming for a while you can't like you know swim the English channel like you're like okay we're gonna start off really slow with some laps yeah or like pole dancing I could climb pretty like with like ease if you will before before she fell down the stairs at faithful fateful afternoon and now I'm like getting it back and

I'm like my god this is hard do you take classes for pole dancing I've been doing private sessions because my studio does do, yes. When I was little, I used to love that song. I would sing it with my little karaoke machine. And I thought it just meant like inviting your friends into a room and dancing for them. I had no idea it was like stripping. And my mother just let me sing it. Like my mom was super chill. She was just like, whatever. Who fucking cares?

Tina Turner's iconic. Like she's just going to find anyone. But yeah, I do private, private classes. And my studio is called Luscious Maven. It's in North Hollywood. They do Zoom classes. I like talking about them so much because it's like a female owned business business they're a small business they're independent they're so good they treat you nicely I love them they never once like blinked an eye at me being like you're too big to be on

a pole like I just like I love that place uh so they do zoom classes so truly anywhere you are in the world you could do it if you were interested in learning how to do a split they have flexibility classes that you could do if you wanted to uh because everyone can basically do a split i'll start a zoom class and maybe one day i'll join you in a real life pole class in north hawkwood yes please come i'm trying i i i don't know how to explain it to people but i'm like you feel powerful after you like get a spin and it's something like tangible that you're like, Oh my God,

I am strong. And you're in control. I'm hot. Yes, you are in control. Oh, it's delightful. I fucking.

Harvey, since you've been in a relationship and I'm just trying to get my pussy eaten. I have no standards this summer. I went on Seth Meyers and I'm just trying to get my pussy eaten. I have no standards this summer. I went on Seth Meyers and I said, I want every hole filled. And during my pre-interview, he was like, are you going to say that? And I was like, can I? And he's like, I mean, sure.

I said it, you know, maybe I won't get invited back. Who knows? But do you have any advice on just like dating or like trying to get back into it? Um, I mean, I think a little bit of what I said earlier was like the default part of is following your gut, but also knowing what you're looking for and knowing what you'll, you're interested in, you know? So the idea that, you know, I think, you know, that, you know, that like, you know, going on dates and meeting someone that you're like, or red flag or, you know, but I don't think there's like, there's no

like book to like follow. Cause obviously I'm different. You're different. Everyone's different. And what works for me is just, for me, it's not the traditional, you know, dating, uh, avenue. And it's really kind of just connecting with someone. And if they're cool, we start the journey together. And either you again, you go along, you grow together or you're going to grow apart. And that's OK. And being OK with that. So my my advice would be take, you know, risk, take a chance on someone and see where it goes. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Okay. What song is that? Take a chance.

Oh, it's break away. And that's not the word. And break away. I spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly until I play Dutch and reach to the sky. I don't. i'll spread my wings and that one yeah that's the one okay yeah but is oh take a chance make a wish make a change and break there we go there we go she got there

something here. Take a chance. Make a change. And break away. Boy, I love Kelly Clarkson. And honestly, she's my only American idol. I don't know why they continued the show after she won. There was no point. She's perfect. I love her.

And we always live for a moment like this. A moment like this. some people wait a lifetime we should go on a double date let's go on a double date i'd love to go on a double day i would love to just go on a date like i just want to be wined and dined and then deep dick all night long like that's what i am looking for right now and i hope that like i feel like people are like back out with fervor like as soon as every like uh la was like everyone can get vaccinated like april 15th or whatever i feel like the dating apps were like blah blah blah blah people were like, hello, hello, hello, hello. And I was like, oh my God, this is a little overwhelming. But like, I just want people to truly not forget

about being like a good person or like a gentleman or, you know, like somebody with fucking manners. Do you know? Like, I just, I don't want people just being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's finish up dinner. We gotta go fuck. And it's like, wait, what? I only paid for an hour parking and I've got to get it in it's like well yeah I'm trying to get into it too but like um uh can we chill out for a second and then I discovered I didn't discover someone told me about this restaurant so there's this

restaurant named Cara that's on like western by the Ralphs and it's like super super cute it used to be this like shitty hotel but now it's like a cute hotel and a restaurant and I was like oh my god do I start taking people to this restaurant and being like we could just get a room is that insane I mean that's the game plan you have a plan you're a woman with a plan so i i approve this message okay all right i always have a plan my plan is always to get it and i like this last year i've like am i the the horniest woman in america and honestly maybe and that's uh something you can wear with honor it's a you know wear a badge that's that's absolutely fine and I'm going to start

those other apps you kind of kind of shifted my thinking a little bit thank you thank you Nicole well I don't want you to like feel like you have to no it's not that I have to it's that you put things in front of me that I never saw before and I said you know that does make sense and I don't think I've

been giving it the full opportunity to, to utilize those apps. So thank you. Today is a turning point for me. Oh, I love this. I love to hear that. A little revelation. Um, I just liked hearing you say that you were like, Oh, I want to be in a relationship where like we have our own spaces. Like, I love that. Like, I love I love being validated. Yeah. I love being like, oh, those are my thoughts, too. Which was really surprising because that's usually not how that goes.

And I usually don't tell people that because automatically I could already assume the reaction they're going to have. So it was very delightful to not get that reaction from you and to find someone who's very similar to me in the way that we think. Yes, I love it. Okay, Harvey, so we've come to the end. And I normally ask all of my guests this. I've only missed it a couple of times. But okay, here it goes. Would you date i would thank you because we have similar interests we have so many things that are actually on on like point that we're both like eye to eye on so actually yeah absolutely thank you i love that sometimes people say no and i'm like okay okay the one that haunts me the most is Nori Davis came on the podcast. Very funny standup.

I love him. He's like, no, I wouldn't date you. Cause I can't date a fat girl. And I was like, Oh boy. I'm like,

in my brain, I was like, well, I was like, I can't, I don't have time to therapize this person. Is that a word? Therapize?

I was like, it's a comedy podcast. I don't have, I don't have, I don't have time to get into this this is a you problem it's not me problem you're not dragging me with you

yeah no thank you but oh boy oh boy he said and the people they keep telling me that they don't like it and I'm like I'm the wrong one I didn't say it also go talk to them go harass Nori go give him an earful over there go talk to them like go talk to them go harass nori go give him an earful over there

go talk to him yeah go get him he's the one you have a problem with not me i didn't say it keep my name off your lips well if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it, rate it, subscribe on Apple podcasts. If you write me a review, I mean, also if you send me a DM, I like scan my DMS to look for these nasty messages. But if you send me a nasty message in any, in any medium,

I will find them. I will read them. This person said, I want to put you on a roasting spit, stick an apple in your mouth and fill your pussy with stuffing, then every 15 minutes I'll fuck you. That's too much. Embaish you with cum. And when you're done, just spit the apple out and yell, bon appetit. And I'll eat all the stuffing from your pussy. Harvey, I'll tell you this. People really love to write me stuff where they're

stuffing food in me. And I'm like, do you all want me to have like a yeasty? Like you can't just be putting stuffing in a woman. I thought you were reading one of the reviews for the cruise ships in Puerto Vallarta. I love it. Harvey, thank you so much for doing this. Is there anything that you want to plug? I love it. Harvey, thank you so much for doing this.

Is there anything that you want to plug? What We Do in the Shadows is back September 2nd this fall. So make sure to check that out. And yeah, it's a fun show. I have to catch up on it. I watched season one and it's so funny. Like, what a treat. Like, wait, and then I think half of season two. Yeah, catch up.

Oh, it gets good. End of season two is a little, catch up. Oh, it gets good at the end of season two. It was a little surprise for you. Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to dive back in. Maybe I'll stop re-watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Let's not get crazy. I mean, I just re-watched the Snatch Game from season seven. And if you're a fan, it is the best Snatch Game of, I think, the whole series.

Which one was that one? And people could fucking fight me on this. Which one was that one? This is Kennedy Davenport, one of the most think, the whole series. Which one was that one? And people could fucking fight me on this. Which one was that one? This is Kennedy Davenport, one of the most underrated queens out there. She is a full-blown comedy queen. She is so fucking funny. She plays Lil' Richard, and she's like,

and then you have Ginger Minja's Adele, where she's like, where do I live in London, my home? And then you have Pearl Liaison, who should have been, like, it should have been a three-way win she was big and where she's like i don't know i had a rough childhood and it's so fucking funny it's so good and then uh viola chachki plays alissa edwards and she's really funny uh not as

funny as those three but like pretty funny um and then there was oh and then katya was suzy orman and she was really funny it was just. It was a solid fucking snatch game. And people shit on season seven. And I'm like, guys, it is high art. Every episode is an acting challenge. And these girls are not actors. Well, I'm done venting about how I think season seven is the best season. That's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

Okay. Bye-bye. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, boop, bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.