Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Throupled (w/ Mae Martin)

Episode Date: August 19, 2022

Comedian Mae Martin (Feel Good) chats with Nicole about being in a throuple relationship, their experience addicted to drugs, and starting a fresh life in new country.  Plus, they share their changing theory on love and relationships, and why they were kicked off Hinge. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Day Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could take me to a petting zoo and throw me in a pit. Are pits at petting zoos?

I don't know, but I'd stand right up and say, moo, that cow's cute. My guest today is a Canadian-born, UK-based comedian. They are the creator and creator? They are? Oh, my God. They're the creator and star of the Netflix series Feel Good. It's Mae. Bum, ba-da-bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Martin.

Hi, Mae. Hey, what's up? How are you? I'm really good. I thought you were going to stop after they're the creator. Like, full stop. They're the creator. They are the creator.

Period. I have God on the podcast. It's May Martin. I really want to go to a petting zoo with a pit. I went to a petting zoo with a pit. I went to a petting zoo. It was called the Gentle Barn. And it is, I don't know, maybe in Santa Clarita.

I don't fucking know. It's somewhere in LA. And it's really sweet. They have all these cows that you get to pet. And then they're like, the animals, they'll come to you. But if they run away from you, do not chase them. And then I was like, who's chasing animals? And then I felt myself chasing this them and then I was like who's chasing animals and then I felt myself chasing this chicken and I was like oh I have to leave this chicken alone

that's really funny was it a date did you go on a date oh no I a group of friends were like let's go play with animals that's nice I want to go I maybe I would go on a date to a petting zoo but I think it's for like a very specific person yes I once went on a date to a petting zoo, but I think it's for like a very specific person. Yes. I once went on a date to a petting zoo in London and there was a donkey. Well, it really, when you watch how people treat animals, it's a real insight into the depths of their souls. And this person on the date was like, ew, that donkey's so grimy. I was like, what are you talking about? It's a donkey. And she just kept being like, it's grimy. I don't know what she was expecting. But yeah,

like it had some grime to it. Yeah. It's an outdoor animal. A donkey would be grimy. Yeah. I'd be disappointed if it wasn't. How funny. May, you were born in Canada. Yeah. Big time. How did you make it to the uk i went um i went i was actually dating someone who we'd been together like a year and then she was like i want to do a master's degree in london and i was like oh i have no interest in that um but then i was like i had a british passport and i had some family there and so i was like oh I have no interest in that um but then I was like I had a British passport and I had some family there and so I was like I'll give it a try and then I went there and I was obsessed with it and she hated it and she went back and I stayed there oh wow yeah how fucking

wild yeah wait how did you have a British passport how do you get a I didn't know you could get passports for different countries I my dad my dad's British I didn't just you could get passports for different countries. My dad. My dad's British. I didn't just like buy one. Okay. Now it's all coming together. It's all coming together. Yes. Yeah.

So wait, are you in the UK now currently? Currently I'm in LA like for most of this year. That's why I'm like really, my ears perked up when you talked about the petting zoo. Because I'm like, I don't know this city and I need fun stuff to do. The Gentle Barn. I enjoy it. The Gentle Barn. You'll find me there.

Yeah, you'll find me there. Every Saturday morning, they will be at the Gentle Barn. Yes. Whenever people are like, oh, you should do this in LA. They say things like hike or a secret set of stairs. Why is everyone trying to make me ascend I don't want to yeah I don't want anything steep yeah no um I have a question okay you have a tattoo that says oatmeal yeah how do you know that because I have this

wonderful assistant and she does a lot of research oh cool yes she's much better than my old one who did very little research for me shout out to the old one and even better than the old old one who was just me and did no research a cursory google um yeah i have a tattoo that says oatmeal you want to see it? yes it says oatmeal twice and I got it when I was like 16 and I thought it was so funny on the day and then it's just been like a little bit less funny everyday since

everyday since? that to me is deeply funny because I have what do I have? I have like a hot dog and a hamburger on my butt that says sticking in these buns a bunch of fruit that says juicy a bunch of desserts that say it's sweet just taste it and then a lemon that says when life gives you lemons suck a dick and the woman who tattooed it to me was like are you sure oh my you want your butt to have the word dick on it and i was like yes tattoo it away and

it gets funnier every day for me well that's the dream is that it gets funnier that's amazing when did you get those so i've been collecting them for a while i once fucked a man who said i looked like a race car and i think about it often because it's like it's like all over my butt you know race cars how they have like all of the yes the signage from the different sponsors or whatever he's like this is what your body looks like and i said thank you kindly i'll take it please just fuck me harder and faster um but oh and i a chili pepper that says muy caliente i've been just collecting them throughout the years and then i come up with a different stupid thing to add to it every couple years yeah i think that's kind of where that's where i'm at too like i in my teens i had i got a ton different ones that

were like spelled wrong and like and then uh the mistake i made in the pandemic is i got a stick and poke tattoo kit never go down that route once you do that you're you're fucked I think don't get a tattoo have you given yourself tattoos I have and other and others and like to other people I'm the thing is I'm I think I'm good at it but um once it's in your house and people get drunk and then they want to do one on you and and yes I've got some I've got some bad ones. Yeah. But they're all like small, you know, whatever.

I don't think I present as like a tattooed person. Like you don't look at me and think I'm a tattooed person. Really? I yeah. I it's funny because it's like, what does that even mean? But I understand what you're saying. Like looking at you, I was like, yeah, maybe you have one. Maybe you have two.

I think I have 18 or 19. Oh, wow. Yeah, but they're all dumb and small. I have a circle on my back. And then I was dating someone who said that it looked like a witch's cauldron. And then now I hate it. I got to turn it into like a smiley face or something. Anything else?

That's a funny thing to say. That looks like a witch's cauldron. I have a bunch of stars on me, which I think date me a little bit. I feel like everyone in their 30s has stars on them. One for each member of NSYNC. God must have spent a little more time on me. I just watched, weirdly this morning, I went on a YouTube rabbit hole of watching like medleys live performance medleys by in sync and the backstreet boys of like all their hits i mean they're so good that's a fun rabbit hole to fall down the last rabbit hole i fell down what was i looking up well i went on a

rabbit hole about terry shivo you know her no she was in a coma for a while and she had a husband the whole time so i was like writing a joke about that no because i was like she's sleeping how does she keep a man and then oh i went down a billy on the street rabbit hole have you ever uh watched billy on the street videos yes they're so funny to me i love him just screaming there's these videos with this woman named elena who's like this older woman that he likes with friends and she comes back every couple of it like she's great she's so funny the best the best I love her she was milking a cow and she was like there's milk and Billy's like there's no milk and she just came towards the camera going there's milk and I don't know why that made me laugh so hard I mean I could do an internet movie rabbit hole conversation right now for hours so like but

okay i'll say one which is i was just i had like in the depths of my memory i was like okay there's one dr phil episode where they him and his wife robin switch jobs for a day and it was like pretty unethical totally because yeah yeah But basically, he was like, Robin thinks she could do my job. And Robin's like, you couldn't do my job. And then so he went to the grocery store and then she hosted his show. And he was like playing up that he's this like dumb man who doesn't know what vegetables are. And it was so staged. And like, he's like, what is broccoli?

And then he like purposefully knocked over all these apples and he goes apples you gotta watch that is pretty funny and then meanwhile robin like ace is hosting his show but at the end write this down dr phil it really is crazy the stuff we grew up watching and how like like sexist it is and like yes right i was watching a clip from oprah this wasn't sexist it was like rather racially charged and i was like isn't it 4 p.m how is everyone saying the n-word this is very wild and oprah you're letting the white say it very strange the 90s were crazy i think truly yeah and like anything went like it was so like i watch old movies i'm like this would never get made now yes absolutely couldn't get made yeah even i was just re-watching

old school um which i still love but like the first joke in it is like you're a faggot and like then like you're just like oh i guess that was really formative for me probably in some way yeah it's truly wild okay I have a question yes so you talk in your sleep yes and you use an app to record what you're saying yeah yeah yeah do you listen to it what's the app called because I have an app too okay mine's called sleep talk oh mine's not called sleep talk really i think mine's called this the snooze zone no that's not it oh no it's called snore lab oh because i was recording because i snore uh-huh so i was recording it does this record so mine only records chunks does yours record the whole night mine records the whole night but it's only activated by sound and And then in the morning, you listen back to all your farts and snoring and talking.

And I'm like, I don't shut up. And I'm so upset always. Like, oh no, what are you saying? It's so, I can't, do you want, should I play you some? Yes. Okay. The embarrassing thing is that

it's like such an unfiltered version of me that I sound like Judi Dench. Like, because I'm not at all trying to be like a cool stud. So I'm just like, oh, mom, I'm angry at you. Like, it's so crazy. That's very funny. It's humiliating. I moan in my sleep.

Moan? In what way? I go, hey, that's nice. Or I go, in what way i go hey that's nice or i go there was one night when i went everything's so hard oh my god and then continued to moan and i don't and sometimes i moan on planes and flight attendants will be like well you're having a good time and i'm like okay okay moaning that's nice if I was sleeping someone next to someone who's moaning I'd be like into it I think I don't think you would nobody I've ever slept next to has been like this was fun for me yeah yeah yeah I slept great um okay this is me saying because it like lists so I've got them all listed of like all the recordings so this one is i haven't listened

to this in a while this is the hatred in my eyes that's what i'm saying oh no okay ready okay and then you hear someone shushing me the hatred in my eyes it's so intense wait that's really funny. The hatred in my eyes. There's no hate there. This is a fucked up one. Okay. I like this one. It sounds like I'm some like medieval queen or something.

And I'm saying to like a betrayer, I go, this is a rat. Okay. Ready? Uh-huh. This is a rat. Like like what it's not hot i'll tell you that it's pretty funny like i very rarely do i have like full-fledged words that i'm saying um it's just like a lot of moaning and then sometimes like no or yeah i go You're watching bad stand-up in your dreams? Maybe. Or maybe I'm trying to write jokes and it's like, mm-mm, that was not good.

Uh-uh, that one's even worse. I sound so lucid. That's what's scary. And I think sleeping next to me is really scary because I sound... And I wake up with no memory of the dreams usually. Are you well-rested? No, no, no. I wake up with no memory of the dreams usually are you well rested no no no wake up exhausted do you really yeah yeah yeah I could I'd need like to be like a sleep study I need a couple weeks of just unconsciousness I think just to catch up on years yeah are you tired all the time I'm tired so much of the time I was I've been working

two jobs where one is like night shoots and then the other one is daytime oh cool so it's just like that's that should be illegal it should be illegal and technically if it was the same production it would be but uh since it's different productions and they both allowed me to do the other project I'll wrap at like 2 30 in the morning or like to get home and then have to be at the other set at six oh fuck and they told me that they would talk to one another and i was like nary a person spoke oh this is truly wild this is so mean to the point that what at the the night shoot i had to say to the ad i was like this next setup you don't see my like there's a world where we don't see my face.

Can we please have my stand-in lay there and you can send me home because I have to be at work at my other job in three hours? And he was like, oh, that's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go do that. And I was like, ah! So, yeah, I'm not well rested. No. This is like, I feel like in hollywood this is like how they

treated judy garland they'd be like wheel her out keep her performing pump her with like amphetamines give her more adderall and then we'll fucking put her to sleep with the with some ambien and then she's gonna have to do it all over again every fucking day yeah sometimes i feel like that i just got back from or not just just, I went to Comic-Con and boy, oh boy, was that fucking exhausting. Yeah, that would be surreal if you're exhausted too. And then there's like aliens walking by you. I was just that much more tired. Have you ever been to Comic-Con?

No. My image of it is like from movies where people people go to comic-con it felt like a movie i arrived and i said i knew there'd be nerds i did not know there'd be this many nerds it was as if central casting was like get me all the nerds you can get and then they fuck there's like there was a couple nerds who were like half naked and these like like sexy cosplay things there was like this like naked alien and like Indiana Jones like holding hands. And I was like, they're going to go fuck. And I wonder if they're going to role play

while they fuck. This is exciting. I love that the nerds are getting it on. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that like, of course, they're all fucking. It's so horny. I didn't. Yes.

Yeah. So horny. I think nerds have the best sex lives of any of us because they're like not embarrassed or inhibited to be like, yeah, I'm into like yeah yeah i'm into elves sometimes i wear a butt plug that's a tail yeah and i'm living my best fucking life uh sometimes i wish i had more freedom like that well what's what's stopping us maybe i don't think i'm a fan enough of anything to like also incorporate it into my sex life yeah i don't think i am either like i'm trying to think if there's maybe in my

teens like buffy i would have done like a buffy thing if i'd been like a sort of confident teen but those days are gone were you not a confident teen well i was really not and then i started doing comedy when i was like 14, 13. And then, but I still, I wouldn't say I was confident. So I was like getting up and doing stand-up, but I was still like, you know, full of self-loathing. Wait, you were doing stand-up at 15? Wait, would you say 14? 13, I started doing improv and sketch and stuff.

And then, yeah, stand-up right after. And then I dropped out of school when i was 15 to do it full time so then i was like not confident but i was uh addicted to cocaine so that is fake oh there you go which counts as confidence for a few hours before the hell 15 and doing coke honestly you're too cool for comic-con that sounds terrible what a terrible sentence to say i'm fully just kidding i should have been at comic-con that that's like what my soul is at comic-con and i was just fighting so hard against it wait that's so wild to be like 13 14 dropped out of school doing coke doing stand-up were you like traveling doing stand-up

where were you doing stand-up just in toronto um and then when i dropped out of school i started working in the box office of second city like the and so i was mostly around there and then i got kicked out of my house when i was 16 and then banned from second city for doing drugs so it was all like a a real like whirlwind like it all happened so fast in a few years oh how wild yeah so where does one go if they get kicked out of their house and then can't hang out at an improv uh theater exactly exactly where'd you go oh i moved in with like an older man a comedian you know fair if you don't want to talk about it i get it sounds pretty wild like a 28 year old um

who was in some ways like really took care of me and in other ways did the opposite you know yeah there's lots of like nuance to these things but no it was not good but then yeah when i was like 20 i i um got my shit together that's nice and then moved to england like shortly after that how old were you when you moved to England? Like 22. Oh, so like you literally are like, like you watch a movie and they're like, I need a fresh start. And they just like wake up an hour earlier. You were like, no, I need a fucking fresh start.

I'm going to wake up in a different country. Yeah, literally. Like I remember being on the plane and them closing the plane door and it felt like I was in a zombie movie and I just was like I just made it and I like I'm gonna survive and uh and then I've been there for 12 years that's I I like that you ended up somewhere absolutely fresh because I'm scared of shit like that like yes I lived in New York moved to LA but I like New York was so close to home that it didn't really feel like a move and then when I moved to LA I knew people in LA so it didn't again it like it was far away from home but like I knew people so it didn't feel like this scary new thing well I think

I was lucky I moved to London in a relationship like that I don't think I would have been brave enough otherwise and she was older and sort of organized and like made it all possible um but yeah to me new york and la are super intimidating i think that's brave that's cool thank you i loved new york in a way that i was like i'm the main character here the city revolves around me and that's literally how i operated truly just like you have to do that insane person scampering around new york you know it's a fun game next time you're at like a party or like a house party or something just look around and be like who's the main character in this movie where this scene is servicing their narrative like you know what i mean and you find someone like sat in the corner and you're like oh we're all in the scene of their life in this movie yeah they're the main character they're very sad very upset that we're all here yeah you should go um i went to um my

friend's kid's birthday party a couple weekends ago she was turning one i was running late i can't remember what i was doing at my in my house that caused me to be so late but I arrived with three minutes left in the party oh my god and I walked in and my friend looked so so tired she was red from being out in the sun the baby was red from being out in the sun her husband was tired looking and I was like hi and she was like Nicole I'm so happy to see you and I was like okay here's your. I will respect that your party ends in three minutes. And she was like, you don't have to. And I was like, I will.

I stayed there for a total of 12 minutes. And I felt like I corralled people to leave so they could go take a nap and bathe the baby. Bathe the red baby? Yeah. She needed to go inside so badly. I was like, I'm the main character here. Yeah.

But that's right. To have someone arrive and corral people to leave is awesome. I was like, it's the least I could do. If I show up late, I can try to get the people to come with me. Yeah. What I'm saying is don't invite me to your parties. I will be very late. Real quick, Meg, we have to take a break. real quick may we have to take a break beep bop boop bop we're back may yes okay so do you think you're like a serial monogamist or do you jump from relationship to relationship and when was your first relationship all good questions thank you i asked like four of them let's see which ones you remember um first relationship well i mean i remember being like 13 and listening to

that song from armageddon like the the aerosmith song i don't wanna miss the thing exactly and being like well i guess this is about me and jamie, who I had like never kissed, but we would hold hands a lot and like he would get a semi and stuff. And so I fully was there. I had like a lot of boyfriends when I was 13. But then first like relationship, you know, probably some older comedian. unfortunately when I was like you know 15 yeah and I was like this is normal and cool and great and this guy is such a legend because he was in a beer commercial and he has money and and then you get to be the age that those guys were and you're like oh wait what would I want to talk to a 15 year old about yeah I have no idea what I would talk to a 15 year old about being school good yeah like you still have periods where you the bell rings and then you go to a different class like what is it totally yeah so maybe that and then i had a i had a nice you know i'd say my first like adult relationship was was uh from 20 to 25 i was with this amazing woman and we moved to england and we were i was like you know i just got out of rehab and i just like turned my life around

and she was just so like together and great and that was like rewriting a lot of like bad habits i'd learned you know five years is such a long time and then I think about people who've been with the same person for like 20 years and I'm like boy oh boy I don't know if we're meant to do that how I know I'm really like honestly I don't know if you have like a really clear theory on love and relationships but mine changes every day. Like I don't, now everyone we know is in like open relationships. Like I really don't know what human beings are meant to be doing.

I think it's just whatever fits for you, I guess. And it's changed so much for me over the years. I think it is whatever fits. And I have said in the past, probably on this podcast, I don't think I could do an open relationship because I'm a very, I guess I get jealous but then also it's like what are you jealous of if this person wants to be with you they want to be with you and then when they don't want to be with you

they're with somebody else I don't know I don't know how I'd handle that but also I've never been in like a relationship before so like I don't know how I would handle that either. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think I used to be really jealous and really a serial monogamist. And then, yeah, just in the past few years, I've been... I think all it takes is knowing one couple who really are amazing at being open.

And you're like, oh, cool. Like they're... So I was dating a couple and they just, they were so cool. And they still are. They're married now. And they're like, and that was pretty eyeopening because they, they really love each other, but they have total freedom. And they're just like, well, let's say you're in a relationship and then you meet someone who you want to sleep with really badly. And it like forbidden and you guys are like flirting but you're like oh then you might end your relationship just to fuck that person and then be like oh it's not that good so in a way just getting it out of your system might be better yeah and i guess we as people need to learn that like just because

something new and shiny comes along doesn't necessarily mean you want to like leave your old thing. You just want to experience a new shiny thing. Okay. Have you watched the ultimatum on Netflix? Yes, I have. Yes, I have. So in theory, I'm like, this sounds good. But in practice, I was like, this is messy.

So it's like you leave your partner to live with somebody else as like like your partners for three weeks of course you like that person better of course of course you're still in your honeymoon phase yeah and they're on their best behavior and they haven't shown you their true colors and shit and then you have to go back to your old partner it's like oh boy this little thing or you're like well thank god i'm used to you yeah it's so wild yeah i follow all of those people on instagram all those contestants oh i'm like so invested in their futures i yeah i was a crazy well colby and madeline i know they had their baby oh my god who randall randall and what was shanice i think they broke up oh they did i think interesting

interesting i know zay and he's so hot i can't handle it he's so hot he was so poorly behaved do you think because i think he was i think he was like damaged and quite sweet in the end maybe because she was pretty cold to him originally yes and then immediately fell in love with the dude that she picked i know and then she's like actually i'm by like and and ditched him it's all so juicy i love it yeah you know it is pretty fucking juicy although i really wish nick and vanessa lachey asked more like juicier questions during that reunion. I was like, you're asking surface level questions. I need to know things. Like the night Madeline cried about Randall not fucking her on camera.

Let's ask her about that. That's wild. She is the worst drunk. She's just one of those people who like, why don't you know this about yourself? Like that you should not be that drunk because she gets his full personality shift. Yeah. Are you a good drunk? I'm a fun drunk.

So I have ADHD and I used to love drinking so much. And I realized because drinking is like a depressant. So it kind of like brought my brain down so I could think. And then everyone else was acting irrationally because they're drunk and they're just like affected differently. So I'd be like, oh, they're acting more like me. Right. Meanwhile, you're like, oh, I'm finally in the room.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was like a very, very interesting thing to find out about myself that I was like, oh, I like being drunk because it makes me feel normal yeah yeah yeah i got someone i got diagnosed with adhd as well but i a part of me was like did i trick the guy into you know what i mean yes i i didn't mean but i'm i don't know i grew up with so much like stigma around it and people being like oh it's you know it's not real or whatever. But then I'm like, am I making up? I know that it's real. I mean, with my friends who have it, I'm like, yeah, you have it.

Yeah, I have a friend who knows me so well that sometimes they'll be like, hey, I'm not trying to be rude. But like, I really need you to take your medicine so we can have a normal conversation. And I'm like, oh, have I just been bouncing around like yes yes Nicole and I'm like okay and I don't really find it insulting anymore like my very close friends will just ask yeah and there's like a nice way to ask and there's a mean way but usually they stick to the nice way so I was really surprised like the the symptoms of it that I didn't realize were at all connected to like I you always hear about people being jumping around or like whatever. But things like being late, like losing stuff, like that's all I do.

And like my, you know, I'm messy, like things like just being like, how do people find time to do all their laundry? Yes. Organize their lives? Like, yeah. It's wild to me. I have little piles of shit everywhere but like I know what those piles are and I'm like please don't touch those piles I'll get to them one day I truly had a box in my dining room for I don't know since

November and I was like I will get to this box. And then I just moved it out of my eyesight because I was like, I'm not going to get to this box anytime soon. Yeah. It's so hard. Moving stuff out of your eyesight is a really good coping mechanism. Kind of. Yeah, just move it right out of my eyesight. And it doesn't exist until I open a door and I go, oh, shit, there it is. Yeah.

Can I ask about dating a couple? Yeah. Were you dating both of them or one of them? Yeah, I was dating both of them. That's fine. I had been friends with him for years, but we always kind of, I think, found each other hot. And then his girlfriend is bi,

and then I guess she had been like, oh, I think I like May or whatever. And then they sort of approached me with that information at a party and then we all hooked up and we were like oh that was fun and then we were like oh that was really fun and then we ended up for like two or three years like really regularly the three of us like going on dates and like it got it was really nice it was really intimate and it was like perfect for where I was at in my life that like there weren't really many demands on me.

I can't, you know what I mean? Like, but it wasn't like empty, weird porn sex. It was like people I really cared about and they're still like best friends of mine. And yeah. That's nice. And I like that you said that it was like good for where you were in your life because I feel like sometimes in relationships you're asked a lot like people expect a lot from you and it's like I can't give

you everything you're expecting right now yeah so it's like how do I figure out how to get intimacy that I want and love that I want but also get it in a way that I can reciprocate yeah the only way I know how to at this moment. Yes. And I hate feeling like I'm letting people down. And I think the problem is when you like over promise. Like if you meet someone you really like and you're in that honeymoon period and you're like, let's spend all our time together. And then you're like, oh, wait, I have so much in my life that I'm doing right now and I'm pretty stretched thin.

And so then you have to be like, actually, can we see each other less? I have so much in my life that I'm doing right now and I'm pretty stretched thin and I don't. And then and so then you have to be like, actually, can we see each other less or can I like what? So I feel like being really clear from the beginning about what you can offer is good, maybe, but it's hard. Yeah, but it's hard to even know what you can offer in the beginning. Yeah, I just think relationships. I was having this conversation with someone. I was like, yeah, relationships are just so fucking hard. And nobody tells you, like people are like, love is work. And it's like, yeah, but like not only is it work, they're actually difficult.

They're difficult. They should be applauded even when they end. Like it's just, and also it's just if you feel something in the moment, that's really beautiful. And it doesn't, yeah. But, if you feel something in the moment, that's really beautiful. And it doesn't, yeah. But, yeah, you're so right. Do you fear, okay, what's scarier to you, needing someone or being needed? Oh, boy. I think they're both really scary.

Because if someone needs me, what if I can't give you what you or be the person that you need? And then if I need somebody, like, I don't want my feelings hurt and I don't want my heart broken and I don't want to be sad. Yeah. I think I'd usually rather be the sad one than be the one like it's it's awful. Like, have you ever broken up with anybody of course yes yeah how do you break up with people i don't understand that i'm not great at it i'm i'm like you know still still learning and and like i'm sure in the past i haven't been clear enough and things like that it's really awful but also you're're like, I guess it's hard because really the kindest thing to do is to go, let's not be in contact. I can't do this. I don't feel the same way or whatever. But often that's not the case. Often you're like, no, we, I do love you.

We just genuinely want different things or we're, you know, in different places or whatever. So it's hard not to say in the moment, i really you know if someone's like wait but do you love me it's like well yeah but really you should go no but what are you supposed to do lie i don't know it's hard i'm getting i'm i am getting better at uh yeah yeah but it is tough i've been broken up with and i know that the easier thing is when someone is really firm and clear but it is hard and I know that that makes it more possible to have a friendship later but I don't know I don't know do you believe in being friends with someone you were intimate with later like after you've broken up yeah I'm friends with so many of my exes and yeah totally I do I think I have I don't have any exes I've only had people I've dated for like a couple months and then like moved on or whatever so like

we weren't even friends to begin with yes but I like was taking stock of the relationships I've been in and I was like or like not relationships I've been in like people I've dated I'm like most of these people I never hung out with sober right so like I don't actually know anything about them so like I wasn't friends with them to then want to be in I was like I wanted to be in a relationship with people I didn't know yes for sure yeah in that case I think you have no obligation to to be friends if you don't want but if yeah but like yeah I have some really good friends, I think. Yeah. If you ask them, they're like, I fucking hate that person. They're like, I don't know them.

I don't know me at all. Okay. Here's another question. Yeah. Okay. So according to you, you grew up in a liberal utopia in terms of sexuality and you have parents who are hippies who gave you a lot of freedom. Do you think that has colored who you are today or do you think you've gone in a different direction? I think it totally allowed me to be totally myself.

I mean, I probably have exaggerated in the past like what hippies they were and how like how much of a liberal utopia but they definitely like never i never had to come out to them because they never like assumed that i was straight to begin with so they it was like they always just in their language it's such a simple thing to do with kids to be like do you have a a person that you're dating instead of being like do you have a boyfriend like you know what i mean and then yeah i'm sure it has i think yeah i think they they're really into i mean they're really they're still together and they're pretty codependent and uh i think they don't want that for me maybe i think they really want me to be like prioritizing my myself maybe recently especially and and I don't know if that's good or bad for me to like absorb you know what I mean I don't know but yeah they're they're cool so okay they don't want you to be codependent but do you want to be

codependent on someone I don't think codependency is that bad. Really? Yeah. Yeah. There's something beautiful about it for sure. I mean, it's one thing where it's like I need that person to exist, but it's like, no, that person just does some things for me. I do some things. We meet each other halfway and do things that the other person needs. I think that's sweet. But when it's like I can't fucking do anything on my own. Like I watch my 600 pound life and some of those people are very codependent and literally can't like depend on someone to survive. That I don't think is very good.

That's pretty bad. Totally. And I think like, it just depends what you're up to and what you're looking for. Like I'm so ambitious right now in a way that's probably kind of gross, but like I just don't like the idea of

getting a work opportunity for instance and having to the first thought I think is I hope my person's not pissed off I'm gonna be away or like oh how am I gonna make this work with my relationship like I mean ideally you're in a relationship where they're like yeah whatever do it have fun but I've just been in previous things where it's like I have to rather than being like oh my god I got this great work thing I have to like think of a way to break it to the person to be like okay we're gonna make it work I got this thing you know what I mean that is a thing because yeah I've never in my whole life ever had to like answer to somebody to be like oh uh I'm gonna go away for two months to work on

this thing yeah is that fine yeah like i don't even know how you ask that yeah and i also have a hard time like like let's say you're doing like a comedy festival or something you just want to be present and even the socializing is sort of work in a way and you're like i i just want to be in my in my i don't want to be like oh and then you know, on Wednesday we should find a nice restaurant to go for dinner. It's like, no, I want to eat chips with like weird comedians. I don't know. Which is bad. I got it.

I need, I don't know. I don't know. I think there's a happy medium. There is. But then also, I don't know if there is like a, you can have it all type deal. You know what I mean? I think it's like, you do have to choose.

It's like, do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to just be a single person doing comedy? Like, what do you want? Yeah. Shit's hard. But I guess the dream is you get you find someone who is equally independent and busy and you guys just get it and you meet up when you can and you spend time together when you can and they're like just super excited for you to be doing your thing and vice versa that's the dream right it is the dream but who fucking knows if that's out there real quick we have to take a Take a break. And we're back, Mae.

Are you on any apps at all? Wait, are you currently single? Is this, are you? No? Yes. Who's to say? I, well, who's to say? I'm there.

Yeah. Do you meet people in person or on apps? In person. Yeah. I got kicked off of hinge what because they thought people were reporting it they thought it was a fake account so i got kicked off hinge and then i i emailed hinge and was like it is myself and they were like no sorry that's wild that happened to another friend of mine who's a comic uh they got kicked off grinder really yeah because i thought so it was catfishing them and i was like wow says a lot about me i've never been reported and my accounts

are just fine are you on raya i am on raya famously took me two years to get on raya but she's there and uh you know a lot of australians. It's a very curious place. It's not what you want it to be. You want to see... No. Even just for jokes factor, you want to see, you know, Courtney Love and sort of interesting people on there, but it's always Australian DJs.

There's nobody interesting. And then a lot of people take themselves very seriously because it's like a MySpace page. You get to pick a song that like goes with your pictures. Yeah. And some people pick these songs where i'm like oh my god like what is this what yeah unironically drops of jupiter i'm like what what are we all doing like what's happening the unironic drops of jupiter is so specific and also on hinge like when people are answering

their questions on hinge and the lack of like any sense of humor is crazy of just like what's your dream just to be having a nice meal on the beach it's like really yeah that's all you dream of that's pretty attainable yeah yeah I couldn't do the apps really but it's hard to meet people in person. But also, I think I present as very like vulnerable on stage. And I get a lot of people like after shows, sometimes people feel like there's an open door there because I'm I'm approachable. You know, interesting. That doesn't happen to me. Sometimes I'll do a meet and greet and someone be like, do you have a threesome with me and my man? And I'm like, not one day in my life i don't want it yeah um i think it's

funny because i do talk about sex a lot on stage and whatnot and i feel like people either they're like she's very open or they're like she seems desperate and i should help her out and i'm like no thank you would you would you hook up with a fan do you think oh yes okay yes i would and i have i uh i did a show in houston where i can't remember how i got on the topic well i don't know sometimes i just ask i was like are there straight men here and there was one and then i was like let's fuck and he said okay then he slid into my dms. I took him back to my hotel room and it was great. What? That's amazing.

But it's only happened one time in the thousands of shows I've done. Okay, but you have to keep doing it now. You have to keep asking that question because who's straight here and who will fuck me? And if you don't, do not raise your hand and I'm okay if there is nobody here today. If you don't, do not raise your hand and I'm okay if there is nobody here today. I haven't been doing shows as of recent. I've just been like a little too busy and overwhelmed. Have you been performing a lot?

I've been doing shows, like a monthly show at Largo in LA. Oh, okay. But I'm still getting to know the city, so I haven't been doing many sets. Oh, I was touring a bit. I was in New York a bit. Do you live live here in the states now are you going or do you maintain a home overseas in London England I don't know if you live in London in the UK I'm really bad with um money so I'm paying full rent in London paying for an Airbnb here like fully hemorrhaging money can't afford it, kind of panicked, but don't want to lose, don't want to sublet my apartment. I just didn't want

to pack up my stuff. But yeah, I'm slightly concerned. And I don't drive. So I'm taking Ubers everywhere. I don't, I know. Wait, why don't you drive? I don't, I've never have had the skill or desire. I'm, I don't know. You don't have to in london really uh and here i'm really stuck i really need to learn it's easy at least i think it's easy but also i hit cars all the time really uh especially when i'm parking yeah that's what bumpers are for you tap tap tap tap great i'm in the spot but sometimes when i'm driving with people they get real mad and they're like you can't just hit the cars and leave them to call i'm like yeah but there's no damage i didn't i didn't like i'm not scratching cars yeah you just tap tap tap tap tap tap and

everything is fine yeah um i won't put my car in the tightest of spaces because i'm like if they hit my car it's fucking fine it's a lease i don't know yeah yeah okay you're yeah you're you're convincing me i do need to if i'm allowed to tap, tap, tap, then I could do this. Technically, I don't know if you're allowed to, but you can make up the rules of the road as I do. Yeah, I'm scared of getting on those like highways. Like, yeah, merging is psychotic. It is very hard to do. And I don't think the lanes are long enough. I think I would suit like a skateboard. Like, I think I look like someone that might skateboard. And if I could just get around LA on a little skateboard or something. Probably. Or like one of those bird scooters. Yeah. Yeah. So wait, when you meet someone in real life, are you hitting on them or are they

hitting on you? Well, I will say the dynamic that I like probably is me being like, oh, please, please talk to me. Like, that's that's hot to me um yeah so I guess that's why I haven't really like after shows and stuff that just that dynamic doesn't really work for me when people come up after shows so yeah my dream is that I'm I'm hitting on them for sure okay or that it's a mutual I mean ideally a mutual spark like a little prolonged eye contact you know what I mean I never know if people are actually hitting on me or being nice to me. Yeah, that's the age old dilemma. Very confusing. I'm like, am I in love? Or were you just a friendly person for today?

I think it's literally all you have to do is two seconds more eye contact than you would do with a normal person. And then you know. Or if someone does that, it's on, I feel. Because really, we don't really look at people in the eye most. I don't. Most of the time. You do fleetingly and then you, you know. But if you're talking to someone and they lock in,

not in a creepy way, but I feel like that's. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like in a way where they're like, I think I want to know more about you. And you're like, oh my God, do you want to know more about me? Yeah. You're like, ooh, okay, well, I'll tell you. Yeah. I don't know.

Dating's so fucking hard. It's hard to figure out. I'm tired of it. I truly just want to open the door to my car and have somebody sitting inside going, hello, I'm yours now. Yes. But I think that that will happen. Like, I think we're all young still. It'll happen.

Yeah, I do feel old though because now I have Achilles tendonitis. I like hurt my calf skipping when I was in Mexico. Oh no. I truly was just skipping with wild abandon and my body said, bitch, we don't do that. And then my calf healed. But now my Achilles heel hurts.

And now I have to like ice it and take ibuprofen. It's awful. I feel so old. There's also something so sad about doing something so joyful. And then your body's like, fuck you. Like, yeah, I once pulled a muscle in my back from laughing. And then I was like, oh, come on. I felt really old. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah, it sucks. I hate being so old but young. I know. Also, I feel like I'm so evangelical about like, oh, we should all be like fluid and free

and like open relationships. But I know in my heart that in about five years, I'm going to wake up one morning and be like, where are my kids and my dog and my house and my wife or husband? Like I, yeah, like I know that will happen. So I'm kind of like, we should enjoy now being young and alive.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's all just be a little sluttier and really just enjoy things. Yeah. And nice and communicative and warm. Yes, that is the dream, to be nice, communicative and warm. My God, that was so hard for me to say. And then slutty comes after that. Wait, you wrote a book for teens? I did. It's for like 14 plus. So I feel like there would be nothing. Like, I feel like you know it all.

It's, you know what I mean? Oh, fair. Yeah. But it's about sexuality and gender and stuff like that. But it's sort of outdated now already because things change so fast and like terminology and even how I identify has shifted. So like, yeah, I wrote it a few years ago. Well, can you update?

Do you update books? Is that a thing? That's a really good question. I should do that. I'm sure, yeah, people do update them. Oh, because there's like different editions of books, right? When like new facts come out or whatever. I don't know if I could justify another edition.

They'd be like, but only 20 people bought the first edition. And you're like, yeah, one more person wants this book. Let them buy it with the updates exactly yeah i i don't know i don't think i identify as anything nor do i think i ever will i think i'm just like i'm just nicole living a life whatever i choose that's what i choose i think that's the way of the future for sure. And like even doing that book, which is for teens and then touring it in high schools like that generation is just far ahead. They're just like they are. Yeah, they're smart. And I like how accepting they seem to be. And I say some not all. Yeah, some of them have horrific parents who like really indoctrinate. Yeah, indo? Yeah indoctrinate yeah. I don't know hateful bullshit you know. Totally yeah

yeah you're right and sometimes I'm just in my bubble and I'm like they're all great yeah. Cause like I'll have friends who will be like oh yeah we're not gonna have Republicans they're gonna all die off and I'm like yeah but how do we keep having them you gotta keep the cycle alive and you know they

have kids and you know I don't know whatever I don't want to talk about politics even though I brought it up um you also have a show on Netflix called feel good how many seasons it's two seasons it's two seasons it's done now but it's up there it's up there for watching you're gonna do a third season no man it was always it's like that the british thing of like just two seasons it was always kind of meant to be yes meant to be it's like we're telling a story and we're gonna close the story yeah in america they're like but i gotta see everything rehashed again in a couple years yeah 20 seasons of which financially would be great oh so nice yes yeah i should put that on my dating profiles what is your dream be on a long-running television

show where that goes into syndication even though syndication might not be a thing anymore yeah yeah do you think anyone will ever like the golden era of sitcoms and stuff was the 90s right and people were getting 90s in like early? And people were getting so much money. The 90s and, like, early 2000s. They were making so much fucking money. And then when those reruns aired, making so much more money. And it won't happen again. Nobody's going to have Friends money from TV again, I don't think.

Never, never. We basically have to patent products. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. Maybe Modern Family. Maybe that was the last one

of like... Also, I guess the new thing that we can do is like sell stuff of our own on our websites. Is that, like,

I guess that's new. What do you mean? Like merch or like my stuff? Like content. I don't know. I think people are going to start doing that.

Oh, yeah. Like Patreon where it's like, you can watch me shower if you want. If you pay $5 a month, I won't show you any titties, but I will wash my hair. Yeah.

Yeah. I think people would pay for that. I also think they pay for that. But that time's for myself where I giggle and teehee. Oh, man. I have this friend who who financially dominates men like she has. She's like a sort of dominatrix, but just with these guys. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It's like she's cracked the code where she goes, transfer me 100 bucks today. And they're like, yes, yes, mistress. Which is so I want that. I know. I just want to be like, give me money. And for someone to be like, yes, Nicole, I will give you money. That is what I want to do for you. Yeah.

Do you think, are you good at like, or do you find it humiliating, like dirty talk? Because I feel like I like that and have that skill. So I'm like, could I monetize that? I think I could monetize it. I think I'm pretty good at dirty talk. Because I'm not like filthy, filthy, but like, I don't know what I'm having sex. I like to tell people what I'm enjoying. I'd like to know what you're enjoying. Yeah, me too. And once you start doing that, it's hard to stop doing that. Once you open the seal of dirty talk, it's like, and it escalates. seal of dirty talk it's like and it escalates i was sleeping with somebody who i'd be like oh i would be like that feels good and they like does it feel good for you and then they started go like

as soon as we started having sex like this feels really good thank you and i'm like oh my god they're like anticipating the question are you just getting it out of the way because i'll ask a different one later just to make sure that you are engaged yeah start throwing curveballs yeah when's your birthday when's your birthday how old are you the best i i was once sleeping with um a really great and funny guy and um we were really good friends and he we he would say a lot of filthy stuff and we were like joking about it and he was like okay the next time we sleep together I'm gonna say something really obscure and you're you won't and you won't be expecting it and I kind of forgot that he'd said

that mm-hmm and then the next time we were having sex in the height of the moment like at really a crucial moment where like you want to be in the moment he goes he goes tell me i'm bonkers and i laughed so hard i think it's laughing during sex is underrated i think it's underrated as well i think it's nice and it means you're like comfortable with that person because you're like vulnerable you're fucking naked and someone's inside of somebody or someone's rubbing on somebody and it's like if you can laugh like i think that's like really romantic me too because really you are doing the weirdest thing like it's crazy to be like oh yeah we're both so cool and like it's like no you're doing insane things to each other yeah if you really think about it sex is weird it's so weird it's so. I'm going to get naked and you're going to put your mouth on it.

Yeah. I'm just in different parts of me. And then I'll put my mouth on different parts of you. And then maybe you stick a finger inside me. It's wild. So fucked. So fucked. Well, Mae, do you have any advice for me on how I can get a partner?

Not. No, I just think there's no way that it won't happen. So I'm like, you don't need advice. There's just no conceivable way that it won't happen. You're so charming and attractive and it's just, you know, so I think you're doing all the right things. Thank you. Also, you're so busy.

I am very busy. I'm very tired at all times. Except for today. I had a voiceover thing get canceled this morning. So I got to sleep in. When things get canceled is the best. Oh, I felt so free. I was like, this is freedom. Yeah. Okay. May I ask all my guests this. Would you date me? 100%. Yay! 100%, yeah. I thought you'd never ask. Oh, that's my favorite. Sometimes people go, no. But here's the reason why.

And I'm like, okay. What? Okay, those people did not understand the brief. They didn't get it. You have to just say yes. Otherwise, you hurt my dang feelings. May, we've come to the end. Do you have anything you

want to promote um well i'm not i'm at largo like once a month um with my friends doing weird improv and stuff and and stand-up that's always fun and just yeah just life and feel good season one and two is on netflix and then you're on season two of The Flight Attendant on HBO Max. Yes, very much so. So those are the things I know you're promoting. And okay, so if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe.

You can give me five stars. If you send me something nasty hitting on me to whywantyoudateme at gmail.com, please no dick pics. My wonderful producer Mars has to go through it. She does not want dick pics. Please no dick pics. My wonderful producer Mars has to go through it. She does not want dick pics. So no dick pics. Okay. This person said,

Dear Nicole, I want to take you out to the skating rink, get you drunk and sweaty, covered in glitter. Then we'll grab an order of nachos with cheese on the side. And then when we get back to our five-star hotel, I want us to get naked and hop in the jacuzzi, watch Sonic 2,

and sip on champagne. Once we're all loosened up we'll move into the king-size bed and roll around in tortilla chips oh and drizzle nacho cheese all over your plump body then i will sprinkle you with a bit of cilantro and lick every inch of you until i'm center stage while i nibble that pink taco and tongue punch your dirt star until you quiver and squeal tee hee hee. I don't know if I've ever heard of a dirt star. I have so much to say, but yeah. Okay, yeah, I've never heard dirt star and I'm going to be using it.

Dirt star is truly wild. Wait, dirt star, it's like, is it a star? I guess, yeah, it's like a star with a lot of points if you look at a butt. It's not hot as a phrase. No, it sure isn't. And if someone to me, if we were having sex and they're like, can I lick your dirt star? I'd be like, you have to go home. You can't do anything.

And there's too many sort of nachos involved in the whole date. Yeah, a lot. That's a constant thread. A lot of cheese and cilantro. And the cheese on the side to begin with weirded me out. I was like, just put it on the nachos. Just put it on the nacho.

What are you doing? Yeah. Well, thank you for that message. And Mae, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Do you have a website?

I think I do. I think I have maemartin.netin.net is that old school yeah it's really funny i think so may martin.org no i'm kidding it's.net yeah which is better than an org i think or maybe orgs are government i don't know whatever okay i'm okay bye okay bye wait no what no nothing i was humiliating I was gonna say I'm on Instagram it's so embarrassing it's embarrassing find me on Instagram bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me Nicole Byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman I know,

Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.