Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Tinder Troubles (w/ Will Hines)

Episode Date: December 1, 2017

On the first episode of Why Won't You Date Me, Will Hines (UCB Comedy, Don't Get Me Started, CollegeHumor) joins Nicole to rate her Tinder game, discuss her past green card marriage, and talk about a lil make out shesh they had. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I explore why I'm so single because I don't understand it. I love men. I love blowjobs. I love it all. And today I have Will Hines.

Hi, Nicole. Hello, Will Hines. Oh my God. How are you? I'm good. Oh, my God. How are you? I'm good.

I can't believe that we get along so well because we do get along really well, but I think we are opposites in so many ways. Yes. You are brave and silly. And I tend more to the robotic sort of uh uh analytical kind of low energy sign but i think that's brave i think it's brave to be in comedy and not being like i'm wacky that's true relative to my comfort zone i'm very brave okay well heinz so this is a podcast about how i'm so single yes and when i pitched the podcast, I was asked, what if you get into a relationship? And I was like, that's not going to happen. I truly, I don't know why, but like I just, it's relationships, they don't find me.

Relationships baffle me too. So we'll compare notes in our frustrations. Well, are you on Tinder? I have been, but I'm not right now. Or maybe I am, but I like deleted the app. So I haven't checked my account or done anything in a long time. Well, I'm on Tinder. I think I am on there, but I haven't looked in like a year and a half.

You haven't looked in a year and a half? Yeah. It must be nice to be a man where you can just find people in person. I feel like it's so hard to find people in person. Everybody I know does online stuff. Almost everybody I talk to does that. It's just easier. I think also there's an age thing. Like I'm 40. I just turned 47 this past weekend. And it's just a whole different world for the plus 40s on Tinder. It's possible. And people do it.

And it and it and it does happen and other apps too. But like, you know, people have kids, they're divorced. Everybody looks sad in their photos, even if they're smiling as big as possible. The joy has gone out of all of our eyes, mine included. Yeah. Just like everybody's face says, I've seen some shit. Well, I'm divorced. Oh, yeah, that's right. At a ripe 31 years old.

Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, it wasn't a real marriage. I married a small little Indian man so he could stay in the country and I could pay my debts. But I didn't pay any debts, but I took improv. Okay, Will, I want you to look at my Tinder profile. Let's do it. And if you're listening at home or wherever you listen to podcasts, you can play along too and let me know what you think is right or wrong on my Tinder and Bumble profiles. I have them posted on my Facebook fan page.

It is Nicole Byer Comedy on Facebook.com. It's a lovely picture of you. Oh, and you're holding a huge dildo. Yep, I'm holding a big blue dildo. I did notice it at first, but now I can't take my eyes off it. Yep, swipe through the pictures. Okay. This is you by Christmas Tree.

This is so we can see your whole self. I think it's good to be honest. If you look like you're trying to manipulate or lie even if even if it seems like a good profile people don't like it i think i don't want people to be like oh she fat it's like you know yeah you can see it also i'm humping the tree which is like funny yes you're also funny you're humping the christmas tree um now mirror selfie it's really pretty thank you my makeup looked really great great makeup the world should know i feel okay now here's the one where you're climbing a bookshelf and i guess showing your ass yes and i'm wearing a onesie you're wearing a onesie and you're you're

it really shows your behind i have a very big butt and i was like they need to know i think that's that's good info for the Tinder crowd. Great, great. If I see this profile, I'm like, this girl is – she's very businesslike. She's saying, look, look, here's what I got. Hang on. The next one is you in a big like heart seat and it looks like funny and you're smiling and it's a good view of your whole body. And now here's you making a little kissy face next to a dog.

Yep, my little dog Clyde. That's very pretty. I figured it was like, okay, so if you made it that far, I'll give you what you probably want, a picture of a dog. Yeah. Okay, so read my profile. These pictures are great. Thank you. Okay, profile. I profile. These pictures are great. Thank you. Okay, profile.

I got a fat ass, so if you're not into it, goodbye emoji, goodbye emoji, goodbye emoji. And then what's this next one? The lady just being like, whatever. Okay, yeah. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. DTF, colon, down to figure skate, or fuck, or farm farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. I'm so pleased with myself. This is a great profile.

Oh, yes. I think one of the main – so I was only on Tinder for like three months and I did date somebody from it. But all my relationships are strange. So I don't necessarily – I'm not an expert in Tinder. But I do remember noticing like happiness is a big thing, just like joy. Like even if somebody was like really attractive or seemed like a good match, if they seemed kind of sour, I wasn't as interested. And I probably tend to like sort of your sourpuss kind of people. I like your sort of like introspective bookish ones.

But it doesn't matter. On Tinder, you got to smile. Okay. Got to smile. It's got to be happy. And this is really happy. Okay. It doesn't matter.

On Tinder, you got to smile. Okay, got to smile. It's got to be happy. And this is really happy. Okay. And you seem like happy with yourself, like very comfortable with yourself. I think this is a good profile. And it's really funny. And it's funny in a way that's true to you.

It's not like trying to be funny in some fake way. You know, like I remember when I was trying to do Tinder profiles, I would try to sound smarter than I was or more clever than I was. And I think people can smell the posturing. Yes. That's no good. I try to just be like, this is me. This is what I find funny. And let's have fun.

But do you think I should switch the dick picture to something else? But I figure it's a good conversation starter. It's really funny. It's a good conversation starter. It's really funny. It's a lot, though. It's a really big dildo. It's very prominent. I think it might be a good surprise. I think it might be a good second swipe.

Ah, okay. So maybe I won't have it as a first picture. I think your first picture should be your happiest picture. Okay. Let's see. Is that me climbing the bookshelf? Might be with your big old booty hanging out there climbing the bookshelf. That might be a good first one. Okay. I was like the mirror selfie might not be bad. Maybe you're not smiling enough in that one. Okay. Boy, I don't know. I think that bookshelf one is pretty great.

I mean, you look really happy in it. The pictures where I look the happiest, I'm also always doing the dumbest thing. And I don't know why. That's who you are, though, right? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to show you my Bumble profile. Okay, now what's the difference between Bumble and Tinder? Is Bumble where the women can pick – they have to initiate or something?

Yes. So the women have to initiate and for whatever reason I match with men and then they don't answer back. I'm going to have you read a couple messages. Okay. But that's my profile first. Oh, nice, happy, smiling one. But we get a clear look at you so we can see your body type and like your, but your face and your makeup look great and you look

great. This is a good, if I saw this picture, I'm like, okay, I know what she looks like. That's good. Okay, the bookshelf booty one again. Number two. Oh, the dildo one, but the dildo's cropped out. So it's just... For whatever reason, Bumble wouldn't...

That wasn't a choice. No, Bumble was like, hey, this is a class you're inside. So there's just two testicles on, Bumble wouldn't – That wasn't a choice. You just couldn't get in there. No, Bumble was like, hey, this is a plaster site. So there's just two testicles on the bottom left-hand. But if you only saw this picture, you don't know that's what you're looking at. Then there's you in a beach ball. It's kind of a nice, content, happy one. I like that. There's you with E.T.

I love that picture. Thank you. I look very – I look like crazy in that picture. No, no, no. You look like you're having fun. I don't think you look crazy. You probably look crazy. You're holding a big dildo.

Okay, fair. Here's you with your phone. Your phone's very fun. What does it say in the back? It says fuck. Oh, yeah. Just staying on brand. Why did I ask?

Oh, my God. Oh, and this is long extensions in this one. Let me see. Oh, yeah, that's how I had my hair over the summer, and I was like... I think you should show a variety of hairstyles, because that's so much a part of your look. Like, you switch it up enough that... I love changing this hair. Yes, I feel like...

Okay, these are great pictures. Okay, so Will Hines thinks I got great pictures. Now read the profile. About. Always trying to have fun. Like, literally always. There's read the profile. About. Always trying to have fun. Like literally always. There's never a time when I'm not trying to have fun. Also, I like tattoos.

Fun ones. I think this could be better. Okay. But it's not bad. Like it's, your Tinder one is so perfect. You think the Tinder one's perfect? Yeah. Okay.

Because I was trying to like, I don't know, know, maybe class it up a little bit on Bumble. And I didn't know what to write other than, like— But the Tinder one's not too unclassy. Well, it said I was DTF, which is, like, down to fuck. Yeah, but then you say— Well, I guess farm, fly kite, figure skating. And the first one, you figure skate it. You say figure skating.

All right. So maybe I'll import my Tinder profile. Yeah. This one's not as funny in the way that you are funny. It is funny, but like if, I mean, I know you, and this doesn't, the Tinder one I read, I'm like, yep,

that's Nicole. Alright. And I read this one, I'm like, nah, that's not Nicole. Maybe I'm trying to pretend to be somebody else on Bumble. No, you're just being polite. You're just, I think. I'm trying. It's hard to know, like, context is so hard on the internet like just how what are what are their base assumptions before you even say anything like in real life there's your voice and there's the hanging out there's like non-verbal information and like it's you you you have to pose a little bit there's no other way to do it and then i didn't i started going on lot of dates. I didn't realize how jarring it was to hear these people's voices in person. Oh yeah. I went on one day with this

man who truly sounded like this. And I was like, Oh, I can't do this. And then I went on a date with another man who smelled like a dishrag. He smelled like a dirty dishrag. And that doesn't come through in the pictures. It was terrible. Yeah. He looked so much better in the pictures and I was really into it. I went on like six or seven dates on Tinder, maybe like eight. And most of them were like just sort of fine. Like people were nice and I thought being pretty honest about what they were kind of looking for and hoping for. But I just don't like anybody. It takes me a long time to let my guard down and really feel comfortable.

It takes me a long time to let my guard down and really feel comfortable. There wasn't like anybody that I was like, this is a terrible person or like – but I just was not excited about seeing them again. And so I didn't call them. And one woman really let me have it over the app. She said, how big are your balls to not call me back? Because we did have like a ton in common. Love it. Well, how many dates did you go on?

One. Oh, then I think that's fine. I think it's fine not to – Yeah, we met for – all these dates were for coffee. I don't drink. I quit drinking like four years ago or something. So it was like just for coffee. And then she was mad. I mean because we did have like a lot in common.

I could see where she – I thought she was probably like, that went great. We're definitely going to go out again. And then I didn't contact her. So she was pissed off. I feel like one date, there's nothing. You definitely don't have an obligation for one date after meeting on an online profile. I went on six dates with a guy who then ghosted me. And I was like, I feel like you owe me a little bit more than that.

Definitely, yes. Because all of our dates were like four hours plus. It was like a part-time job at that point. Yeah, for sure. It's been like 18 hours with the kid. And I was like, and you can't just a little text. But you know, it is tough. It is tough because I've also had people overly explain why they don't want to see you after one.

That's no good either. Well, after one, no. If it's just one, I think you can ghost. Yes, that's fine. And that is a – I think up to three you can ghost yeah you're right on the line there but like depends how long they've been and well i don't know you should say something at three he he's sober and he told me that he was concentrating on like his sobriety and work or whatever maybe but just after you confronted him well so, so he said, so I was like, are we hanging out this weekend? And he was like, I have a lot of work.

And I was like, hey, dumb, dumb. Correct answer is I have a lot of work, but I want to see you. And then he's like, ouch, it's been great getting to know you. But I want to concentrate on my work and my sobriety. And I was like, oh, OK. And then I was like, oh, I guess we're not going to talk anymore. And then there was nothing. But then he told me about this book that helped me really, truly quit smoking because I'd

been on and off. But I quit smoking. You did? Oh, congrats. Yeah, thank you. That's one of the hardest things to do, right? Man, it was really hard. And then I started again.

Is this the- It's Alan Carr. Yeah, yeah, I've heard about this. The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. I think Anthony Tamenick used that same method. It's really great. He keeps talking about this easy way, but then there is – it's not explicitly like, here's the easy way. It's just you read the book and you're like, oh, yeah, this is bad.

I shouldn't do this anymore. It just scares you out of it. It doesn't really scare you out of it. I think what I got out of it was I could smoke. I could go buy a pack of cigarettes. But then all you're doing is just inhaling terrible, gross smoke that does what for you? Truly nothing. Because it's like you smoke when you're stressed.

You smoke when you're happy. It doesn't solve any problems. No, it doesn't. It doesn't give you anything. No. A cup of coffee gives you energy in the short term. It gives you a little caffeine. At whatever cost in the long term.

That's up to you to decide. But a cigarette truly does nothing. Alcohol can ease your nerves. But also, it's poison. It's poison. But I'm just saying, like, if you're just going to – there's not even a short-term gain from cigarettes. No. Like, there is a short-term, like seconds.

The seconds after you're – or actually, like, the full time you're smoking it, you love it. And then after I'm done smoking, without fail, I'd be like, oh, I got to sit down. I don't feel good it's bad and then I'm not drinking right now but that's just specifically because I start shooting on the 25th and I wish someone had told me last year don't drink and get on a treadmill not to like lose weight but just

be like stamina you need some stamina for this it's hard I didn't think about that that makes sense cause you're the star of the show, so you're in every scene. You've got to deliver constantly. Yeah, like 16-hour days every day. Oof.

But I love it. It's what I want to do. Yes, yes. But it makes sense you want to have. But yeah, just to get there and be okay. Okay, so this guy all of a sudden after six dates is like, well, now I'm working on my But he wasn't working on sobriety for the last six days. I don't know.

Yeah. And we had a lot in common, and talked a lot we talked so much and i think the most infuriating thing was i didn't have to put anything on like he knew who i was he knew that i did comedy right it was just easy peasy we got along and then i was just like but what happened so i sent him a long text that i was like i know you're trying to work on your shit but like like, I liked hanging out with you. I think you're cute. I think you're funny. And oh baby, that's a good combo. Nothing. And then I was like, okay, well I guess, I guess that's done.

And truly everyone else I have talked to and matched with since then has been like just a dumpster idiot. Yeah. Just truly the worst. The worst. I never had anybody who was the worst. Like what do you mean by the worst? Like they're just like they're idiots?

So you're super smart and funny so you need someone who can like hang. Someone who can like chat somewhat right? I understand that if I ask you a question over this fucking app that if you just answer it you are ending the conversation. I need you to know

yes and answer the question and then add information or ask me a question yeah like okay have you ever dated somebody wildly different in age over 10 years no everyone i've dated has either been like within 10 years my age like within a year within a year yeah yeah i've dated people so i'm 47 i've dated people like i would i'm gonna say within my age is actually 10 years younger to my age like 37 to my age like relative to the adult life that's like i'm gonna call that like age appropriate and um but then i've also dated younger like 27 to 37 and i've gone on a couple dates people who are like 25 which is like a lot younger how's that it's uh exciting It's exciting. But it feels dumb.

It's kind of like – I feel like it would be so dumb. It starts to feel paternal. I'd be like, you don't understand anything I do. It's not quite that. It's just sort of like you're just – you're coming from a different place on everything. People are actually totally nice.

I don't know. I feel like when you go too young, everyone's stupid. And they don't know anything. And they don't have any money. I have found that once a girl is a lot younger than me, they don't ask anything about me. They don't even ask one question. And I don't know if it's like they feel like it's rude or they're just not interested or whatever. But like at least someone who's like age appropriate goes through the motions of just – goes the motions or maybe is even genuinely interested in saying like,

what, what do you think about this? Or what happened to you in this regard or something? Or like, what did you do today? Maybe youthful people are just selfish. I don't know. I want an older man.

I think I need a dude with like money. I like his own money. That'd be great. A job. How much does that affect what you think about a guy? It doesn't affect what I think about him. It affects how, like long term. Like in the moment, I don't mind if you have money, whatever.

Yeah. But I like to go on vacation. I just bought a house. Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay financially. So it's like I don't want to date a dude who's just like hey i can't like if i'm going to denver for a weekend to do shows i would love to be like can you come with me for

the weekend yeah and it would suck to have a partner and you don't have to like pay for everything and like carry this person yeah yeah you want self-sufficiency maybe is the word we're looking for yes i was dating you don't you don't need someone to take care of you financially but you need to know that this guy's got his shit together and i don't want to take care of anyone else financially. Yeah. Like, I'm generous, but, like, it comes to a point where, like, come on. You don't want to be buying tons of plane tickets and stuff like that.

That's crazy. I was dating this dude on and off for a while who would constantly be like, wouldn't it be so nice if I could come with you to X, Y, and Z? And I'd be like, yeah, it would be really nice. Yeah. And then there was one time where I offered to pay for his his like ticket and then he like

made up this excuse and then I was like well it's either you want to come or you don't want to come is it a pride thing and then that's a fucking whole conversation

when money money is a shitty conversation yeah money makes everybody have to be like indirect yes and it makes people feel guilty and resentful yeah it's and I'm pretty like open so you just want the guy to have enough money where that's not a factor yes where we don't ever Where you have to be like indirect. Yes. And it makes people feel guilty and resentful. Yeah.

And I'm pretty like open. So you just want the guy to have enough money where that's not a factor. Yes, where we don't ever have to fucking talk about like who's paying for what or whatever. I always assume that women really think about that a lot and that like my own – because I'm like an actor and trying to be a writer. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, like entertainment business. That's what you're doing. You do know. Yes, that's true. But I mean sometimes I feel like I'm doing well. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, like entertainment business. That's what you're doing. You do know. Yes, that's true. But I mean sometimes I feel like I'm doing well.

Sometimes I don't. And as a guy, I get self-conscious about it. Like I don't have a ton of money or I don't know what I'm going to have in the next two years. So that like changes everything I guess. But you could go on a vacation a year. I can – I'm at the level – I have enough that you wouldn't be worried about me. But I feel like sometimes women are like, can you be a provider? Like if I have a kid or we have kids, are you going to be able to do something about that? And I'm like, maybe.

Well, okay. I feel like that's a whole different conversation. That's a whole other thing. I don't want kids. Kids are terrible. They're truly literal monsters. Okay. So on Bumble, the only people I've had conversations with are people I know. Yeah, okay. People you know. Like you see them on Bumble, you're like, oh, I know this person from whatever. Yeah, I always swipe yes to people I know just to be like, hi, isn't this awful? So I matched with these guys on Bumble, and I thought I had written some adorable little things.

So Dan is, he moved here from New York a year ago. He produces music for TV. So I was like, all right, produces music for TV. Cool. So I wrote to him, hate to stun on you, but I'm pretty musical too. I could play the melody of My Heart Will Go On without sheet music. And that's in all caps, and he never responded. Yeah.

Is that a good opening? Was I too aggressive? Say it again. Let me hear it again. Hate to stun on you, but I'm pretty musical too. I can play the melody of My Heart Will Go On without sheet music. Funny. Is that too braggy, too mean?

It's not braggy. Is that your opening salvo? What? Is that how you started it? Yes. I think that's, is this guy funny? I don't know. I think that that could. He says he's okay. No, I think like that might be too funny for the first line. It's like too clever. It's like, it starts a one upmanship thing you've got to be clever back. If I wasn't in the mood, I'd be like, I'm not in the mood to like perform in this like text thing. Okay. If I wasn't really feeling it and I got that, I'd shrug my shoulders and be like, I'm not in the mood.

Okay. So be less funny. Well, just like you have to – you know, there's like funny which is sort of like inviting and open and like I'm calling out the awkwardness and I'm trying to put you at ease. And then there's like let's show off together. Like let's perform together. And I think you shouldn't open with the perform together kind of funny. Okay. It's like don't – it's just like I'm going to make you feel better about the current moment, which you're like a genius at.

I'm trying. feel better about the current moment, which you're like a genius at. I feel like when I watch you do stand up and like when you start off, you have a real good sense of what the audience is thinking and like speaking to it and everybody feels like they're friends with you. Well, thank you. Yeah. That's a very nice compliment. You do well. I think you do that very well.

I try to read the room. Yeah, I think you're good at it. That's why you're good at improv too. Like you read the, you're like, oh, I know what they're paying attention to. It's this. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard to stay in tune with people.

So here's another Bumble message that a man didn't respond to. So his profile says, archaeologist, puppy rescue, pizza purveyor?

Is that a word? Yeah. Am I saying that wrong? It's like someone who sells pizza. Joseph Gordon Levitt's cousin, I'll eat your pussy till you die, then make you pancakes.

6'1", great hair, chocolate, soul music, sandwiches, Legos, and perky girls with nice butts. I thought that was a very funny profile. Yeah, I love that. So I wrote, you eat pussy till women die? Why are you killing all these women in the streets? Oh, wait, why are you in the streets killing all these women? Which I thought was funny. It is funny.

And then he didn't respond. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Will Hines. Okay. I have advice for this. Okay. I mean, I think it's the same thing.

Like, your walls are up in that message. Oh, okay. Your wall's up. Like, you're trying to, I mean, it's not, I mean, it's nice. You're being you're trying to – I mean it's not – I mean it's nice. You're being funny. You're showing your personality. It's not like – it's practical. But it's not – you got to – you need to ask him a question that he'll answer. That he wants to answer.

That he'll – even if he's not sure if he's interested, he wants to answer the question. Okay. So it's something like why do you say purveyor? Are you – do you feel like that sounds better than pizza seller? Maybe that's a little too judgy. But like something where he wants to answer it. Okay, that's very good advice. Did you include the eat pussy till you die?

Did your female friends tell you to include that? I think that's funny or something like that. But that you're letting him answer. Then you can be funny later. Like, you'll be funny whenever you want. Like, that's easy for you. So is that why a lot of gentlemen will start a conversation with, how's your week going? Yes.

Which I find so infuriating. Yes, yes. That's the laziest aspect of it. The way you're supposed to do it is like something that they've given – it's a yes and thing. Something they gave you, use it to prompt another piece of information. You know, oh, you – I mean this would be the most boring one but like – well, what was yours on Bumble? They don't see your Bumble profile, right? You have to get in touch with them.

They can see my Bumble profile. But they can't get in touch with you. Yes, they can't talk to me. Can they indicate they're interested? You match, and that's how they indicate that they're interested in you. My Bumble profile says a bunch of fun things that I like fun. What does it say? Always trying to have fun.

Like, literally always. There's never a time when I'm not trying to have fun. Also, I like tattoos, fun ones. Okay, so I would yes and the tattoos thing. I'd be like, you say you like tattoos. Do you have any? I've always been scared to get them ah yeah and then see what you would say that's good but you're but you're right if someone just like how was your week that's like so lazy it's so lazy you got to put a little work into it but then I it forces me to get creative though be like oh yeah that's no good that's no good uh yeah you're so your funniness is unconsciously communicating like I'm ready to perform for you, but I'm not showing any interest in things about you.

It's very annoying. Will Hines, are you dating someone right now? I don't think so. You don't think so. Well, here's the thing. For the last like year and a half, maybe even two years, I've sort of been on and off with a couple of people. And sometimes those on and offs are announced and declared. And then sometimes they kind of just fade in and out. And after that's happened a couple of times, it's hard to know. I think I am not dating anybody.

Wait, how many ladies are there? There's pretty much just one. Oh, okay. But there's been times where there's been like two. Ooh. Maybe three. Ooh, that's nice.

Yeah, but I'm not like sleeping with all these people. They're not like fully happening. They'll be like someone that I have slept with and was seeing and we called it off and then maybe we're going to sleep together again and maybe that's it. Oh, but now may it's starting again. Oh, but no, no, it's not starting. One of those. And then somebody where it's like we're just hooking up.

Oh, but now we've done that enough that maybe it's not just that. Maybe we're lying. But now we've done that enough that maybe it's not just that. Maybe we're lying. And then sometimes both of those situations will be weird and I'll be like, I got to ask out somebody normal and try to make this normal. And I'll ask somebody out and sit down and have like a formal like coffee date with somebody. And then none of them have ever manifested into full relationship. Maybe I got to do coffee dates. I do nighttime drinks.

That's better. If I drank, I'd still do it. The time I miss drinking the most is a first date. Because just a beer or a drink to make you relax a little bit is what alcohol is for. That is the main purpose of alcohol, I think. I kind of like not drinking on first dates now. Yeah, I did it. I've been forcing myself to

do it so i could just be like what are you actually like yes that not i feel the same way the the awkwardness that you feel the trade-off of that is you get to know the person more real and you get to know your own feelings more real like do i really like this person because sometimes when i'm on a date i'll feel guilty i'll be'll be like, I should like this person. But do I really? I got to be honest because like I can't lie to my – the truth is going to come out. For whatever reason – okay, does this happen to you when you actually like someone? You become the most awkward version of yourself? Of course, yeah.

I have never experienced that. Yeah, that happens to me. I'm usually pretty like whatever. I don't care. Okay, but I think you are – am I wrong about this? I feel like you are yourself all the time like i feel like you're very very good at walking into a situation assessing what you feel and think about it and then and then either announcing it or just knowing it in your

head yeah so i don't do that like i am very frequently fraught with what should I feel or do? What is my responsibility here? Oh, I'm trying to work on myself. I don't trust my first instinct. I doubt myself a lot. Oh, no. First instinct, I'm good. I'm golden. I trust it. lots of practice being yourself. The thing about meeting someone that you really like is all of a sudden you're like, oh, I want them to know me, you know? But then if you don't have practice at that and you're trying to brush away all these things, it gets confusing.

Yeah, I guess it would. Then you get awkward. You're like, suddenly you're aware of your hands and you're like, why am I saying um a lot? I made this one guy dinner that I really liked. That's very sweet thanks i realized i can't cook with people watching me that's i guess a thing about me yeah because all of a sudden i was like how do you boil water yeah um do you put salt in it yeah and then i had very

long braids at the time and they kept swinging near the flame he'd be like your hair and i'd be like ah okay so then it was like stuck in my armpit. And then I was trying to make meatballs, and then I just threw them in a saucepan. He's like, you have to put them in the microwave. And I was like, well, that's what I do when I'm alone. But when you cook for people, don't you want to heat things up on the stove? It was just like. What kind of guys do you like physically?

Physically? Like perfect world. In a perfect world. Yeah. Who is alluring to you? The brawny man. Okay. to you? The brawny man. Okay. I like.

The brawny man, like the lumberjack mustachioed dude. I like a guy who's taller than me. Oh, yeah. I noticed that online. So many women say, I want someone taller than me. I prefer it. That's like one of the few physical things that were said by many, many women unapologetically. They're like, do not lie about your height.

Don't lie about. Well, I mean, I could date someone who is my height or shorter. Yeah. I just prefer. Right, right. I like, I'm a bigger lady and I like the height because the height kind of makes me feel, I don't need to feel smaller, but I'm like bigger, I'm louder, I'm dominant. My limited experience, women, they have a preferred body type and look, but they're pretty forgiving on shape of the body, relatively speaking.

They're not forgiving on height. They're like, nope, all things equal. I want some dude that, yeah, it really matters. I think it just, it makes me feel more feminine because I am a pretty masculine person who's I don't think that. You're a bold person. I think I'm pretty masculine. Also, the gynecologist said I have more testosterone in my body so genetically i'm more masculine listen to doctors they have like the

but she said i have a lot of testosterone and i was like that's why i'm so aggressive i love to gobble dicks don't say gobble dicks why can't i i don't know that's all i want i can't believe that No, that's all I want. I can't believe that. Oh, my God. Yeah, I do like him taller. Yeah, yeah. Brawny man, all right.

Brawny man, so just like a little weight to him. Can you just tell me if I'm offensive in any way? Does race matter to you? You're a black woman. That's not offensive. Race does and doesn't matter. Okay. Because I've dated black men before who, after a while, will be like, oh, why do you talk the way you do? Are you trying to sound better than me?

And then it becomes a whole thing. You sound too white. Yeah. And which is a thing I've been trying to explore in stand up because it's like, what does sounding white mean? It's just regionalisms. Yeah. I don't know. I say water, which is a very East Coast Jersey thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a white people thing. Right. That's Jersey, Philadelphia. Are you South Jersey? Nope. Okay. Some would say South Jersey.

That sounds Philadelphia to me. I say- The way you said water sounds Philly to me. Oh, does it? I mean, the way I learned how to speak is a hodgepodge. My dad was from Barbados. My mother was from the South. They meant Chicago.

Everybody in my class is from like Staten Island or Long Island. Right long island right right right and then there was jersey people in the mix right right but i do genuinely prefer i don't prefer white guys i just don't have to have the same conversations about it but lately okay conversations will happen we'll talk about white privilege and then sometimes we'll be like i don't really believe in it. And I'm like, I don't know if I can continue talking to you. So now it's just like I feel, I don't know, I have to find a black man who was raised the exact way I was raised

or something. Yeah, right now it's been pretty hard to date. Okay, yeah, yeah. But it sounds to me like race doesn't really, it doesn't sound like a deal breaker thing to you. It sounds like you would date a't really – it doesn't sound like a deal-breaker thing to you. It sounds like you would date a white guy or a black guy. I would date a dude with a potato for a mother.

Like I don't care. Well, some people are attracted to one type or another. No, I'm attracted to funny, smart, attractive. Okay, okay. And makes me feel some kind of way. I mean, yeah, okay, okay. Cool. Okay.

And makes me feel some kind of way. I mean, yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. The other thing is like you're bigger. And so like body shape matters to a guy. Some guys love that and some guys don't.

And guys, that's why they're going to date somebody initially is they feel that pull. Yep. they're going to date somebody initially is they feel that they feel that pull yep i was in denmark recently teaching improv because i have a weird life i guess it's not that weird but i was it was in denmark teaching improv and um was at this like improv festival and i don't drink right so there was this after party and i'll go to the after party and everyone's like really nice but i'm like i probably won't stick around too much because everyone's kind of getting drunk and i'm gonna just feel left out everyone's being totally nice. But I'm like I probably won't stick around too much because everyone is kind of getting drunk and I'm going to just feel left out. Everyone is being totally nice. But I'm sort of starting to get a little bored.

OK, whatever. Fine. And then this beautiful girl comes up to me and starts talking. I'm like, oh, maybe this girl likes me. Then she starts talking about her husband. I'm like, oh, OK. She doesn't like me. But all right.

She wants to chat and have a nice conversation. She's asking me all this improv stuff. She's like in love with improv. And she's like, how do you get better at this? How to get better at that? Blah, blah, blah. And then I'm like, she's like, well, I've been, I've been quizzing you a bunch. What do you want to know? And I was like, huh, how do you, uh, what's the secret to true love? How did you find love? I was like, this is the only thing I care. I'm leaving this party in like two minutes. She's like, huh? I think that, um, she was, I have an answer to that because I dated my husband.

We were friends and then we were like dating and then we broke up and then we were like exes and we finally got married. So I've had every mode of interaction with my now husband. And she's like, I think you need two things. There's like something that's like very important to you. You have to identify what it is. She goes, in my case, I need the dude to laugh at me. They need to think I'm funny. I don't care if I think he's funny. He needs to think what it is. She goes, in my case, I need the dude to laugh at me. They need to think I'm funny. I don't care if I think he's funny.

He needs to think I'm funny. So I realize that. And then she goes, and also you have to find them alluring. You just have to find them alluring because that gets you through the fights and the bad times. And some people you just find alluring and you don't. And I was like, oh, who's your husband? And this is like a beautiful Danish woman. I was like, this guy is going to be like a looker.

She's going to point at like the best looking dude in the room. She pointed at a guy, normal dude. Maybe not even as good as normal. Like some schlubby dude. And in my head, I'm like, that dude's alluring? That's alluring to you? Like you should come to America. You're like – you would clean up.

Like you could do better than this dude. Yeah, sometimes – But this dude did it for her. There was something about like – Like you can do better than this dude. Yeah, sometimes. But this dude did it for her, you know. Like there was something about like – then I talked to him and he was very – talked very fast and he was kind of like a know-it-all. Not mean, but like a little bit of a mansplainer. But then he was polite. He knew enough to back off.

And it's like she must like that like sharpness, you know. Interesting, yeah. His kind of like arrogance must be like alluring to her. But I always remember that word, alluring. So, Nicole. Yes. The guy has to be allured. Allured by me. And if that's not, you can't force it.

Well, I don't even know when someone finds me alluring. They'll go after it. Haven't you had men go after you? No, I am usually the aggressor. Usually, but not always, right? I've had a couple guys who will chase me, but then I go, oh, great, they're chasing me. I got to chase back. And I think I need to just chill out on that.

But also, whenever I date a dude for more than like a couple dates, I always go through their Instagram and find out who they dated prior just to see if they dated a bigger girl. Yeah. Because I'm crazy like that. No, no. That makes total sense. I understand that. Because you can't just come out and say.

I'm an older, balding dude. And if a girl seems to be interested in me, I'm like, have you ever been interested in a balding, older dude before? And if they are, I love it. I'm like, thank God. That's my thing. Woof. Okay, well, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to reveal something big. So, Will Hines, we've hooked up. That's true. I don't think most people know that. No. Now the world knows. People will be surprised. We made out, and I'll tell you something

I don't know if you know this but it was a whole plan I planned this I didn't know that yep oh I didn't know that so I knew that you had broken up with your girlfriend at the time

yes and it had been like a month or two and I was like two months I think was it only two months yeah but I was like

ooh that means Will Hines is in rebound mode and we were at the ECMY Awards, the Excellence in Comedy, New York Comedy, whatever. And you were there, and I was there with my lady group doppelganger, Keisha Zahler and Sashir Zameda. Yeah, and there was just lots of New York comedian people hanging out and stuff. And I think it was like an open bar. There was lots of drinks going. Yeah, there was lots of drinks.

It was an after party. Yeah, I remember this this and i looked gorgeous and i said to keisha i was like i wonder if will hines likes black women because i know he's dated non-white women before and she was like well i'll go figure it out yes she asked me i remember that keisha just came up and said do you like black women i was like and i was like is keisha hitting on me? I was like, but she's, you know, Keisha, she's like so like just like academic. I was like, it sounded like an interview. It's like, Keisha's not hitting on me. She's just like doing a paper or something like that. What she was doing was part of my plan, which is to plant a seed in your head.

Yes, I remember her asking that. Yeah, yeah. So you would think about it all night. So when I was like, we should make out, you'd be like, huh. Oh, that's why that question happened. And it would like disarm you a little bit and I would get what I wanted. It worked like a charm. I'm very good at getting what I want, specifically.

Short term at least. Short, very, very short term. See how we made out. Wasn't it raining? No, it was just night. It was nighttime. I don't think it was raining. We were under a doorway.

Yes. And it was a very good kiss. You're a very good kisser, Will Hines. Thank you, Nicole. So how come you didn't date me? Well, boy, what an incredibly awkward question to be asked while being recorded. I mean, you've never asked me this in real life. Nope. But I figured, you can't run away. You can't lie to me.

No, yeah. I mean, you could. I guess I could lie to you, but the world will know. God hears you when you say it on a podcast. And you can't hurt my feelings and you can't offend me because it was, what, eight years ago? It was a long time ago. Yeah, it was like seven years ago. No, it was six years ago.

It was April of 2011. I'm like weird with dates and stuff. Well, I remember when I broke up with the relationship. Oh, okay. So I can like – yeah. Well, okay. At the time, I was like a wreck. Like that relationship was a big one and I was like – I had ended it, but I felt guilty about it.

And I didn't really know what I was doing. And I went in – like I would say for the next year, I was like a mess. I would date people and then break up with them and then beg them back and then like not talk to anybody and then try not to drink and then drink too much. So that particular moment, like I wasn't going to date anybody. All right. And I was so guilty about my past relationship. Just the idea of any responsibility or obligation, I was like, forget about it. And so that's one reason why.

But I'm not going to cop out. Ooh, baby. Give it to me. I think another reason is like this is – it's hard to say because even though I love you and like – Sure. I love that we're friends and we do improv and I think we do connect like this is – it's hard to say because even though I love you and like – Sure. I love that we're friends and we do improv and I think we do connect in a lot of ways. And we have more in common than somebody might think.

I just wasn't feeling it enough. Sure. And here's the hard part. And I think this is – you have to admit when it's true for you also. If it's – if there's a little voice in your head saying, I'm sure if this is going to work out you got to listen to that little voice because that little voice becomes louder over time until it is heard and if you and if it's there and the little voice is saying this isn't it you just have to listen to it i think you can't argue it and even if you wish it wasn't true, even if you're like,

I wish it would work for this person. It would be great if it would work for this person. But you just have to be like, it's just not it's not happening. And that that's what it was fair. I had a whole fantasy that you would teach me things about. I don't know. I feel like, you know, a lot of things. And I was like, oh boy. Just like information. We're going to hang out. We're going to start dating. And Will's going to fill my head with knowledge. Which like isn't a sexy or romantic fantasy. But it is a sensible fantasy to have with me.

It's not like Will Hines is going to rock my world. Will Hines is going to pound me until I orgasm in five ways. I don't know, Will. Maybe. Who knows? You never know in five ways. I don't know. Well, maybe. Who knows? You never know what people are like. You never know. One night, maybe your dick's just going to be like, oh, yeah, I know exactly what to do.

I like that you were thinking that. I was, we made out, I remember just being like psyched that it happened. I remember being like weirdly impressed. I was with myself. I was like, man out – I remember just being like psyched that it happened. I remember being like weirdly impressed. I was with myself. I was like, man, that was pretty adventurous. And also you are like one of the funniest people I've ever met. I think you're like one of the truly capital G great comedians that I know. So I was flattered.

Thank you. I mean it's just like you're an incredibly – I felt – I kind of wanted people to know. I wanted to be like, oh, you know Nicole Byer? We made out. Like we made out after a party. Ooh, baby, now they know. Yeah, now you. I mean, it's just like you're an incredibly – I felt – I kind of wanted people to know. I wanted to be like, oh, you know Nicole Byer? We made out. Like we made out after a party. Ooh, baby, now they know. Yeah, now they all know. But –

And then we worked together after that. Yeah. Which was a little – When was that? When was that? That was at the – I was working at the front desk and you were – Yes, yes, yes. I was running the school for UCB.

Yeah, the academic supervisor. Yes, yes, yes. I was running the school for UCB, the academic supervisor for the New York classes. That I felt all right about because I can just compartmentalize a job and you were good at your job and I don't think actually I was good at my job. I was terrible at my job. Were you? Well, you were good at the people part of it.

Eric, you know, I would always be like, can you fax this? And I'd be like, fax. And he'd be like, never mind. Is that true? Yes, very bad. I could answer phones and give people that gave you free classes right uh did you get paid i got paid and then i got one free class a year that

they didn't tell me till year two oh frustrating but it was like the most fun i got to hang out with like the funniest people in new york all weekend it was great i loved it that was a good time of ucb at that place because you it was centralized you saw like everybody i loved it. That was a good time of UCB at that place because it was centralized. You saw like everybody. I loved it. Well, all right. Let's not get away from the main topic here. So I'll tell you. Can we just – so I think like the guy has got to be allured and there will be guys who are allured to you.

Let me just analyze you. It's so easy to analyze other people. The other thing about us, Nicole, is our moms died at the same age. You were 16, right? Now, I don't mean to make our experiences equivalent. That's a very traumatic thing. It's very unique to each person. But I'm still going to do it. I'm going to pretend that you've gone through things that I have gone and am going through. And I tell you, it really screws with your intimacy when one of your people that you love

is taken away from you. And I guess you could argue that 16 is kind of older because you're like you're getting like smart no because your brain isn't fully developed yeah it's it's okay good so it's traumatic and it like fucks you up and it like you assume that anybody that you like is going away yes you have an a bit not you but like one what this happens to you i do because my dad's also dead. Has like an abandonment complex. Yeah. So like when. My dad's not dead, but I've talked to him like three times a year. Well, that's nice though. That's true.

That's something I shouldn't. You just miss one season. Yeah. Three seasons of the year we check in. How's the solstice? I say to him. But yeah, it does cause abandonment issues. I think when you like somebody, you give it all up.

I'm not saying you, Nicole. No, I do. Okay. So I have done this. And I think people who have abandonment issues, when you're like, oh, I think I like this person. Oh, I better like, do I got to put all my eggs in this basket? Because people go away. People leave. I don't trust people. So like, I'm gonna, okay, great. I'll do whatever I can to make this happen. But then you're not being yourself and you're also not checking in with do you even like this person? Like when you first become attracted to somebody, that doesn't mean you're going to actually like them once you get to know them a little bit more. And then they know it.

They know they're not seeing the real you. There's not as – so this dude that ghosted you after six times, right? You had like six talks and then he's all weird or whatever, which is super rude. Very rude. However, if it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen. So fuck this dude. But did you even like six dates? Just talking, making out, kissing?

Talking, making out, kissing. We never had sex. That's all right. Start and slows. Nothing wrong with start and slows. I know that it frustrates you because you want to gobble that dick. All I want to do is gobble that dick. I literally have a dick earring in my ear.

Yes. But start and slow, I don't think it's rude to start slow. I don't think it's disrespectful on this person's behalf. But like I think at some point you – I don't know about in this case. But you could risk not showing your real self. Not like saying when something bothers you and something doesn't bother you. And then they don't know you. It starts to feel lonely for both people.

I do keep it real though. I – if I don't like something, I'm going to say it. I very openly just tell my opinion. I don't know how not to. I don't really have a filter. So you think you would be in yourself this whole time? Oh, absolutely. You sure?

Yeah. How about with your feelings about this person? I feel like you put people on a pedestal when you like them and they can do no wrong. Well, he would do things and I would just be like, you don't have to ever do that again. Yeah. Or like he would text something and I'd be like, no, thank you. Maybe you do it all the time. The only thing I didn't comment on was

he would like talk about his ex-girlfriends and I was like, I don't ever need to hear about that. That's totally fair. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't,

I was like, I didn't want to be like, excuse you. That's totally a fair boundary to set. Yeah. Some people don't care as much.

Everybody cares a little bit. Some people want to know the history, but then they don't need to hear about it anymore. I don't want to hear the history until I'm ready to be like, tell me about your exes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's just me personally. I don't want to hear about all the girls you fucked.

Because then it's like, do you want to hear about all the guys I fucked? I think you're- All those nerdy improv boys. I know that it didn't happen for you and me, but I think you're pretty. Oh, well, thank you. So I feel like that you need that alluring factor. When people are attracted to each other, it doesn't take a lot of work. You're right.

It might take work after for the people to work out their own bullshit and learn how to, like, treat each other and stuff like that. But that initial, like, pull or tug is, like, you can't force it and you don't have to do any work for it to happen. But we weren't doing work at first and then he just stopped. But this guy's going through sobriety and stuff like that. I mean, he's got his own shit. I quit drinking. I mean, he's got his own shit. I quit drinking.

And sometimes when you're changing like a major habit, like you become self-conscious about all of your decisions. And you're like, well, I'm forcing myself to not drink even though I don't want to drink. Maybe I'll go on six dates even though I'm not sure with this person. But maybe he knew like date two. Oh, maybe. Here's a question. Okay. Do you think you're an alcoholic? Is that a rude question?

Oh, it's not rude. It's not rude. Maybe. My dad definitely was. I'm gonna go on this. I'm gonna say yes. But sometimes I don't think so. Okay. I don't know how to answer it. I know that if I'm not drinking, since I quit drinking, I have not done anything catastrophically stupid to my

life. That's good. And back when I was drinking, I did like done anything catastrophically stupid to my life. That's good. And back when I was drinking, I did like a handful of catastrophically stupid things. I do a lot of stupid things. Us making out was not one of them. Thank you. It was a very good kiss. Oh, thank you. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. But I just – I thought it was only going to be temporary when I stopped. And then like I just felt a lot better and I just said I'm just going to go with it. It's just sort of like if things are working, I stop trying to intellectualize how to label it or whatever. I quit drinking. My dad drank too much. I was like I guess I'm just going to be someone who doesn't drink. The term alcoholic is weird.

I never – sometimes it's a little – it feels self-indulgent almost to say that. It's like I think people try to mythologize their own problems. Like, no, no, no. I'm complicated. Like I'm super complicated. I have this like thing that's like a disease. No one's ever that complicated. You either drink or you – my sister doesn't drink.

She's drank maybe three times in her life. Her whole life. Yeah. She just is a little person who doesn't like to drink. Wow. Plus, when I got older, it physically starts to affect you a lot more. You know, like when I was 30 and I would drink a lot,

I'd be hungover. It would suck. But when I was 40 and I drank a lot, like I'm murdered for like, I would be depressed four days later. Yeah, it's very tough to come back from like, just a real rager. Yeah, so.

I'm pretty much done for like a day. I used to be able to get very, very drunk and then work the next day kind of slightly drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. I think a lot of people in their 20s go through that, maybe even 30s. But like. No, now I can't do it.

Somebody pointed out to me like the two day after sadness. So, you know, when you're physically sick from being drinking, you know it. Then it goes away. You feel great. But then somebody, I noticed, oh, I was in a bad mood for 24 more hours. It's because we're poisoning ourselves. Yeah, it's like a depressant. We got to do drugs.

I went and saw Lady Gaga for my birthday. How was it? Mushrooms and then Molly midway through. It was great. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I woke up the next day and was like, man, I've never been sadder. Because after the concert, we went to a diner and laughed for like an hour and a half.

And then I guess I like depleted all my endorphins. And the next day, ooh, wait, I was so sad. I've had that happen. You drank mushroom tea and took some Molly? I've had Molly. I've had, I've done drank mushroom tea and took some Molly? I've had Molly. I've had – I've done Molly like three or four times. I would love to do Molly with you, Will Hines. I think it would be so much fun.

I think you're just going to try to make out again. Probably. It was a good kiss, Will Hines. Can I go into more detail about it? If you want, yeah. I am just going to announce that I feel incredibly awkward right now. Okay, then I won't. No, no, I don't mind.

I don't mind either. Nope, I won't do it. I think it's good for me. No, I won't do it. I'll just leave it as it was good. Okay. Thank you for doing this, Wilhines. Oh, no, it's my pleasure.

Honestly, I love that we're friends, and I think you're one of the coolest people. When you want to do stuff with me, when we do improv shows or we do this or we just even like hang out and like say hi, I feel like good. I feel the same way. You know, I like – I'm like – it's like validating. You're a good person to be around because I think you're so funny and nice. And when I started at UCB in New York, I felt like it was very clicky. Yes. And I was like, ooh, how do you do this? How do you break into these clicks?

Yes. And I thought you were very nice and open and inviting. Oh, I hope so. Then after we made out, I made you teach me improv. Oh, that was after. That's right. I forgot that was after. There was a 401 class that I took with you where I would do scenes and you'd go, I don't know, Nicole, that was funny. I know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I just like everything you did made me laugh. So I didn't know like what to say. Then we had that weird kid in class. I can't remember his name. I remember him. He would eat food so close to your face. Yeah.

And he'd be like, can you stop? Yeah. And then he had a blog and he took a picture of me on the back wall and put it on his blog. Oh, I didn't know that. Because we had matched on OkCupid. And every time I saw him come into the training center, I would hide under the desk because he had crazy hair and he was like a little off. And then we ended up in class together and there was no way to avoid him. Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay. I think he's doing well. He's like acting and both in the show. I know exactly who you mean and I feel bad. You should have been protected from that. Hey, it's OK. There's a lot of monsters in this world. That's true.

But you are important. And I mean, you made the ECB a better place. So like if I did even a little bit to make you feel better, I'm glad. No, it's great. And I started watching the Stepfathers and I was like, that's what I want. Stepfathers and Death by Ruru. Old Death by Ruru with Jackie Clark. Oh, yeah.

Oh, man. That was those are good jackie wrote on my show and it was like the it warmed my heart so much yes yeah and she's one of the funniest people ever i couldn't go to the interview but i wrote down on a piece of paper something for avi to tell i was like please tell her that i came up watching her and i respect her so much and if she worked my show, I would lose my mind. You could have just told her. I think she would have. Well, I held her on a pedestal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still do. I still think Jackie is the funniest person I know. Some of the funniest improv I've ever seen has been Jackie, for sure.

And she doesn't do it anymore, which. I know. It's a shame. It's probably good for her life, but it's a shame. Oh, yeah. She's got two kids and a husband. She happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, my next guest is here. Okay. Well, it's been an honor to be. I don't know what episode this is going to be. This is one! All right, we started it off. Are you only asking people on that you've made out with? Or is this going to be like a... Yep.

One guy I've made out with, one guy I slept with, one guy I blew in a bathroom. Is that true? I have not asked him if we can talk about it yet. So we'll see how that goes. And then one guy whose floor I peed on in New York. Oh my God.

And then I'm going to try to do as many people I've hooked up with as possible and be like, why don't you date me? Right, right, right.

And then my male comic friends will be like, why wouldn't you date me? Yes. Or like, why don't you think I'm good to date? I don't know.

I'm trying to like get to the bottom of this without paying my therapist. You're doing it for real. You're really, okay, well, good luck. Thank you, Will. Good to see you, Nicole. Good to see you. Bye.

And if you like what you hear on this podcast, you should rate me five stars. And when you rate me five stars, I would love for you in the comments to hit on me. And I will read the best pickup line or best hit it on thing. How do I say that? The best line. There we go.

That people say. So here are some examples of what I'm looking for. Sit on my face. That's good. It's straight to the point. Or at Nicole Byer. Hey, big sexy. Show me your toes. Hashtag shh. That's a. It's straight to the point. Or, at Nicole Byer, hey big sexy, show me your toes. Hashtag shh. That's a good one.

Here's another good one. I love your natural hair, even down there. So get creative and get silly and get real horny because I'm very horny. Okay, bye bye. Bye. Do I have to end it anyway? Bye-bye. Bye. Do I have to end it anyway?

This has been a Team Coco production.