Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Too Shy to Talk to People (w/ Owen Burke)

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Comedian Owen Burke (Drunk History) joins Nicole for a conversation recorded in the middle of the Los Angeles fires (things were unhinged). They talk about trying to function while the world is burning, the early days of UCB, and how Owen managed to find a wife while being painfully shy and awkward with dating—and how you can too. Plus, Nicole shares the time she gave John Mulaney her number. John, please call back.Write Nicole a dirty message! Send it to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Support this podcast an get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Equip: To learn more about Equip's virtual eating disorder treatment, visit Equip.Health/dateme.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Curious about today's outfit or just want to watch the show instead of just listening? Check out the YouTube link in the show notes. This is a Head Gum Podcast. -♪ Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come in a little cup and say, that's an air purifier. My guess today.

Is it Osha? I think Osha would need to check that out or something. I mean, if you lied and said it was an air purifier, I'd go, okay, I breathe it in. My guest today is a comedy legend. He was the former editor inchief at Funny or Die and the artistic director at UCB Theater in New York City. He's produced iconic comedies like Drunk History, The Chris Gether Show, and Netflix's

Murderville. And we improvise all together. All together? Oh my god. It's as if I've never done this intro before and we improvised together at largo at a show called dinosaur it's owenberg you do do my intro all the time no but i do intros okay weekly because it's a weekly podcast you'd think i'd have it down by now and I simply don't.

Every day is a surprise. Well, you know, while you're living in the moment, this is fresh, it's exciting. You're just living for the now, not in the past. You're not stale. Thank you! That's nice. I'm a present person. Are you a present person or do you dwell in the past or do you think about the future? I do all three. I'm a multitasker. And so, I, but I'm a present person. That's why I do improv. I think that's why it's my first thing, the art that connected me,

because I was like, oh, we just do it now and then it's over now. It's not planning for something. It's this is this and then it's over. But I dwell in the past all the time. I live in, I have an enormous bag full of guilt and shame that I carry around with me. Like Santa? Like Santa, instead of toys, it's just memories of when I was wrong and treated people bad.

When I said that one thing to somebody. That only happens every now and again. I'll go, oh no, why was I so weird? And then I'll bring it up all the time to that person. Oh yeah, because you're trying to make it, was that happen to me yesterday? I'm like, I took a walk, I went to hike, and of course I wasn't thinking

that the hike trails are closed. I don't know, this is coming out later, but. But to dwell on the past, fires happened. Fires happened, they're currently happening now, but the show must go on and I will say this before you go off your story Mars my producer Mars and I were recording Ads and then I got that false alert on my phone and I was like, no, I have to go I have to go she's like, it'll take five minutes. I was like, I'm not dying. I

Truly acted like that alert said fire was at my front door knocking, being like, I kill you. Hello, Avon calling. Well, we had a fake alert at like 3.35 in the morning. I didn't get that one. And my wife's like, because normally I have kids and they all have phones and they signed up for every alert in every jurisdiction

because they have friends and different zip codes. So our phone was like all night, brr brr brr brr, and I was like, there's no fire at 3.35 a.m. I was like, yeah, there could be a fire. I'm like, not at 3.35. I just like called it. I was like, no, I'm not like the man.

Can't have it. Can't have it. Yeah, I mean, that's, I don't think fires should happen that late. No, they should just be regular hours. There should be a sad hour. Like a work day. A work day.

A nine to five. Don't ruin rush hour. Once 10 a.m., have the fire, end it at 415 so we can get back out on the road. Yes. Yeah, come on. That's what I've been saying to the fires. Fires, please.

Please, come on. Honestly, it's really devastating. It's terrible. It really is. We were just talking about it for like... It's just, it's really... It's so big and devastating. I keep using the word, now my autocorrect, whatever word I'm writing, it says devastating.

It's like, hello, devastating. Hey, why won't you devastate me? No. Wait, I interrupted you. So you were trying to hike hiking trails were closed tracking trails are closed and then I was walking and I bumped into Somebody he was wearing glasses in a hood and he was walking his dog. This is yesterday Mm-hmm, and he was like Owen and I was like hey And I don't I have a thing where I don't recognize anyone if they're wearing sunglasses

Like if you wore sunglasses, I literally wouldn't recognize you and there's something I just have a problem when someone's wearing sunglasses and So he's like Owen and then he was like, oh he took off his glasses and dropped his hair I'm like I still didn't and he was like rich and then I was like, oh Man, and he really knew who I was. And I really worked hard. Like, I really did the work to figure out who I was. Like, and the name, the face, I couldn't, and I didn't know. And I feel so bad because he was genuinely sweet.

So excited to see you. And you know what? And he's a sweet person. And you know when people are like, oh, in this time of fires and uncertainty and everyone coming together, and here's someone reaching out to me and I'm like, I'm making this the most awkward moment of your life. Like, it's just like, I'm so sorry I'm awkward and I'm terrible and I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to be awkward in a cool way. I don't know how to blow things off in like a charming way where I'm like, well, next time, yeah. Next time I'll remember you. There's no charming way to do that. No, next time I'll remember you. And then the horrible thing is I had to come back down because the trail was closed so I was walking these local streets

so I had to come back down the same street. And he was walking back up with the dog. And then we had that, oh hey, I'm a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's, that's upsetting. That's the worst. And, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. That's, that's upsetting. That's the worst. And then I'm like kicking myself. And this is, goes into the guilt Santa bag for my sleigh, where I'm just like, oh, now I'm going to think about who is this person, and I know I'm going to run into that person

again. And I'm going to be like, Rich, hey, what's up? How's your dog? How is that hill you live on? How is that hill you live on? How is that hill you live on? The two things I know about you, you got a dog and you live on a hill. You still wear that hoodie? ["Nichole's Hitchhiking"]

I once ran into somebody who was like, Nicole! And I went, wow, it's so great to see you. And she's like, we've never met. I just, I know, and I was like, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then I just couldn't come back from it. No, sometimes you can. I was like, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then I just couldn't come back from it. No, sometimes you can't. I was like, why would you do that?

I was just trying to like be friendly and be like, wow, great to see you. And you're like, you don't know me. OK, bitch. Sometimes when people undercut your kindness, when people undercut like the politeness, you know, you're like, one person got really mad at me because I didn't know their name.

It was like a friend of a friend of a friend, like in UCB New York, like someone who wasn't even a part of the theater. And I walk into a party, and I wasn't sober 100% of the time back then, but like, I was like, what's my name? That was the first thing he said to me. And I was like, I don't know.

And I was like, I don't know. And I'm sorry, I don't know. I see you a lot and I say hi, and I'm like smiling, but I don't know. He got really mad at me, and then I'm like, well, I don't know if we I'm sorry, I don't know. I see you a lot and I say hi and I'm like smiling, but I don't know. You know, really mad at me. And then I'm like, well, I don't know if I'll ever be friends then. Because-

No, you can't be friends. It's so rude. A pop quiz. Yeah, it's cool. I once was in a, out of, not a big deal, but I was at a valet, valet in my car. Oh my God, a valet. So it's a Honda Civic, so I take really good care of it.

And- It'll last you forever. Civics are great. I love my Civic. The only reason I got rid of my first Civic is because I got T-boned and they're like, this car, and I'm like, please. What year was it?

2005. Value package. It was like the last car that had roll windows. Oh, that's nice. And like people would be like, if I'm driving and someone's lost and they're on the right side of my car and they're like, roll down your window.

I'm like... can't, sorry. T-Rex arms. I can't reach. I can't reach. I'm sorry. My arms are way too short. So it was like a really old car, but I had my, you know, iPod in it. As long as I have music, I don't care.

And so, and then I got T-boned and then I was like, like, you have to get rid of it. I couldn't believe it. So I just got another Honda Civic. And so I valet, back to me valet and tipping big. But I was there and Reese Witherspoon was at the valet. And I saw her and I was like, whoa, hey, what's up? And she was like, hey! I was like, how you doing? And she was like, hey! I was like, how you doing? And she was like, kid!

You don't know me. I was like, oh, wait, I don't know you. And she's like, it happens all the time. And I really thought I knew her from college or from UCB or something, because she has that familiarity. I really thought I knew her. That happened with Jonah Hill.

I was going to SNL when Sasheer was on it, and we were in the check-in at the same place. And I was like, my good friend Jonah. And I didn't say that out loud, but I felt my arms reaching up to hug him, and I was like, wait, I don't know him! I have to stop! It's wild! Yeah, it's really wild. And it must happen to you all the time. Oh, yeah, to me? I'm moderately successful.

Yeah, but people would, when I did those VH1 shows, don't get jealous, everybody. You do them for free at first, and then they give you $200 or whatever. And you're like, oh my God. If I could PA on this show, I'd make more money. But people would stop me in the street and like these villagers would be like,

hey, can we go to college together? How do they? Because this is weird, not famous, but familiar face looking thing. Yeah, I worked at a place called Chattin' Chew in New York City. Oh yeah, I know Chattin' Chew. Has since closed, and I was a hostess,

and John Mulaney came in, and he sat down, and so like there was a door here, then there was two tables here, and I was a hostess, and John Mulaney came in, and he sat down, and so there was a door here, then there was two tables here, and I sat him right there, and I stared at him, because I was like, I know him from somewhere. And I think he was on Best Week Ever. And I went up to him, and I was like, I know you from somewhere.

And he was like, well, I am on TV, and I went, that's not it. And then I gave him my number and he never called me I know seems like he's doing well made some good choices Yeah, maybe I don't know he would have made better choices if he called you I don't know It would have been much better for him believe me You know come on chat and chew I love chat and chew that was when I was a PA I was a production assistant in New York and we would go there for expensive lunches

You know cuz you could write off your lunch. I mean, I would go somewhere more expensive. It wasn't that expensive. But it was expensive, there was like a limit. Oh yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Somewhere I would never go, I would never go there if I was paying for myself. My manager, there was a man named Booba

and he was shaped like Grimace. And I say that with love. Was he purple? No. Okay. No, imagine it was Grimace. I was like, he is actually purple. And no, but once I was, I said to him,

I was like, what should we order for a family meal? And he said, you ever just drink some water and sit down? And I was like, wait, he's fat. But also, he was fat. He was shaped like Grimace. And I was like, you ever drink water? It But also, he was fat. He was shaped like Grimace. And I was like, you ever drink water? It was a fun job. Yeah.

Restaurant work is tough. I did it very limited. I would always just have to leave the job because I was a terrible waiter. Yeah, me too. I was just a terrible waiter. I would just forget things. I also am very shy around people.

If I don't know somebody, I'm very shy. And I don't like to go up to people and You know, I always feel like they're gonna be upset to see me. No, no, they're so happy to see a server Yeah, and I'm like, oh, they're not gonna hate me. They don't want to talk to me They don't want me. They're not gonna tell me what they want to eat. Here are the specials. I'm so sorry. We have a crab Louie I Would always forget things, so I started saying to my tables,

and they'd be like, I need ketchup, I need a fork, I need ranch, I'd be like, okay guys, I'm gonna come back with one, none, or all of it. And then I would get like a full round of applause when I came back with all of it. That's not how it should be. No, I mean, ultimately, you're not even supposed to be seen just be delivering stuff or whatever.

I would walk into their table My femur just like knocking glasses of wine over just like well if you're not good at talking to strangers How did you meet your wife? Look at that segue Look at that segue put on your helmets Put on your helmets. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. I don't talk to, I'm like really shy around, it's really hard for me to meet new people or to, it's very rare that I'm outgoing with people.

Unless there's a connection, a click right away, but I'm very shy about people. When I'm working, I don't have a problem. When I'm performing, I don't have a problem, but when I'm just in my natural life, I have a real problem talking to people. I don't think anyone wants me to talk to them. So I just am like, all right, I'm not gonna talk to anybody.

So I was in an improv class, not a big deal. Ballet? Improv? Ooh, you're a man of the world. This guy must be an, like an East Coast white guy. This guy must have been from Westchester County. Tell me you played lacrosse at a private school. I did, as a matter of fact. But we were in an improv class,

and I had already been through the classes and I was doing shows, but I had never had Ian Roberts as a teacher, and he only taught level one and two. I never am his teacher, and I was like, I have to, I've had all, I had Amy Poehler, Matt Walsh, and Matt Besser as teachers, and I was like, I have to round, I have to finish it up. So I went back and took Ian Roberts, and my wife was in that class, and I didn't know her then.

And she, but I didn't really talk to her in the class because I was just there to like learn from Ian, and you know, all these people are like, oh, you're level two, like, you know, I'm like, and we were at a show one time or I was at a show, it was Ash Wednesday and February 17th, 1999, and I was at a show and I was sitting in the back, Spaghetti Jesus

was their sketch show at the time. And I was sitting in the back on the theater in 22nd street and my wife sat in a row in front of me, and I recognized her from the class, and then she turned around, she's like, how are you? I was good, and we talked for a bit. And then I just couldn't have her crane her neck in here,

so I just sat next to her. And then we just started talking, and that was it. Really? That was it, and then we got married that night. Yeah. We've been married for 21 years. That's sweet. So did you ask her on a date or did she ask you on a date?

Or did you just like go from the show just out? We went, I think, to McManus after that show with a group or something. We saw people. And then there was another show that I went to and she went to with a friend or something. And then we went, we always went, there's a bar in New York, McMann's,

I'm sure you've talked about this. I guess, but like, and so that was the first couple of dates was like with people at McManus. And then, you know, she was just a very sweet, wonderful person. And, and, you know, it's like how we stayed together, I don't know. It's just one of these things where she was just sweet and we really took it slow.

And yeah, she's really amazing person. When I first met, you're like figuring out about somebody and I'm like, well, what are you into? And she was like, baby animals and eye cream. And I was like, where is the certificate where we can just get married? You know, that's so sweet. Baby animals and eye cream. Yeah. I love to smile and I love to take care of my skin. Yeah, she's got great skin.

You know, she's I'm like, I hope my kids have her skin. You know what I mean? It's she's got great skin, but she's a, just a very, she really initiated it. She really was like, oh, I'll talk to this person. Aw. Yeah. And cause I'm like, I wouldn't, like, I would be like, oh, she doesn't want to, I leave, I leave people alone.

I always figured people just want to be alone or something, which, you know, I don't know why I think that. I think it's- No, I get it. I think I was raised a bit or something. Do you remember your first girlfriend? Yeah, she's my wife. Um...

Yeah, my first girlfriend... I didn't date much, you know what I mean? Like, I'm really like... I... My first girlfriend... I didn't really... I didn't have a girlfriend in high school. And my first girlfriend was my senior year in college. Isn't that crazy? No. So it was just, was it my senior year?

I think so. And she was a real wonderful person. Just a sweet, wonderful person. And I think that's sort of what I'm attracted to, like just sweet, wonderful people who are just cool and nice and sweet. And she was great. We dated for like maybe two months. Oh, okay.

And then I was like, I can't do this. Cause I didn't understand, I didn't understand my relationships or I'm a late bloomer. They're hard. They're really hard. And then nobody explains them to you. I was really bad at dating and I'm really bad with relationships

because I had an idea of relationships, an idea of dating, but I didn't know what that meant. What was your idea of dating and relationships? Like I think, I don't know. Like I think it was like that it's something mystical that you find out once you're in it that I don't know what it is. Like it's over the garden wall and once you're in it, you understand it. And I was just so sheltered or just repressed or suppressed or, you know, robotust that I just didn't...

Drunk. Drunk down dude. Getting all that crease. The grass seem lax, bro. But that I just didn't understand like what it meant to be in a relationship. And what I didn't understand is that you're just who you are with someone else. You know what I mean? Like, I always... That's why I was bad at dating, because I was, like, an audition, you know? It was... Or an interview, like, am I good enough to be with you? Because I have such a low self-esteem that I'm like, am I good enough?

Is this what you're expecting? Is this, this, this, and this? Like trying to present myself like it's a resume, as opposed to just being who I am. It's hard though, when I met my boyfriend's friends, I know I was like, quiet in a way that I'm not quiet. I was like, I don't know Andy, the only person I know is him.

And then I'm like, well, yeah, go mingle with your friends. I'll be fine by myself. And I'm like, I spent a lot of time being like, don't be weird. I'm like, but I am a weirdo. Like, just be yourself. And now I'm fine. And now I will be as weird as I wanna be with these people.

But at first I was like, I don't know how to act. And then, yeah, in a relationship, it is just being yourself, but in my brain, you watch a lot of Disney movies and shit, and you're like, it's gonna be magical! You think there's this ultra intimacy or this special bond or this secret language that you learn with someone else or something.

And to me, it was always this foreign thing of like... Even like, before I started performing, like, oh, that's something that performers do. Could I ever do that? And then once you start doing it, you're like, no. Once you're improvising, you learn how to do it and whatever. You're like, oh, no, this is just... This is how I do it. And look, everybody's just normal that we all do it with.

No one is like, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, saving the boys, you know? Like, everyone's just a normal person, you know? And so the mystery is gone. Or working on a movie or TV show or something, you realize it's not mysterious. It's actually just, you're just yourself there. And with a relationship, I think meeting Christina,

who's my wife now, I was so being myself. I think at that point in my life, I was so myself. Because again, I'm an institutionalist. I love UCB theater. I really got a lot out. And UCB just opened. The theater just opened when I met her. But I had been a part of the classes

and doing shows for a while. Before that... How did you find it with it being so new? I found it, I'll tell you how I found it, crazy. I lived outside the Holland Tunnel in New York City on the Lower West Side, and my downstairs neighbors told me about it. They were like, there's this improv that's in New York,

you gotta go see, because you're funny and you should go see this my downstairs neighbor was Will Arnett and He was like you got to see this we're bringing you to this and I'm like, I know what improv is I didn't I did short form for a month in college and I don't Sure forms not for me. It's not for me. And you know what? The people who do short form, the people I know who've done short form, brilliant. Great at it. Really good. And like really good. And also good long form improvisers. A lot of people I know. I'm like, yeah, they're really good at it. I could do it, but I found it so incredibly boring that you're just like, oh, I have to rhyme?

Just rhyming, jumping and rhyming is not really fun for me. And so, you know what it is? Like a lot of it is like jumping and... Yeah, it's like games. It's like a... Where's the humor? It's like, oh, you're speaking like a noir guy, see? Or, you know, I'm like, I don't really want to do this. I wish I could just be upset about... Make your own choice? Yeah, make my own choice that's like comedically creative and completely fictional.

And so, um, so I was like, ah, and they're like, no, you have to come. And it was before there was a theater and it was this place called Rebar on 16th and 8th. This guy Duff McDonald and Will Arnett took me to my first show. And, uh, I saw it and this is fall of 96 and I went to Amy Poehler after the show and I was like, this is amazing, how do I get involved? And she's like, take classes. That's what I did. I'm teaching a workshop this Saturday.

You should come. And I did. And then I just kept doing it. And that was like a real follow through moment for me. I was just like, I got to follow through with this. I have to be vulnerable because I was a like, I gotta follow through with this. I have to be vulnerable. Because I was a PA back then, not a big deal. And so I didn't know how to break into the entertainment industry.

I was like, I guess I'm a PA and I work, I have raised very conservatively, like how do you work your way up to being a performer? And it doesn't work that way. You just have to perform. You just have to do the thing you do. Tina Fey gave great advice once, like don't ever do the thing you do. Tina Fey gave great advice once, like,

don't ever do the thing that you're not, because you'll be introduced to someone as that thing, and then they'll look at you that way for the rest of your life. Ah, that's really good advice. So instead of being like, oh, no, I'm a comedian, but I met you as a lighting person for this person's show. You're a tech person, wants to be a comedian. You know what I mean? And so it's really, I was like, oh, that's great advice.

And I haven't followed it very well. And people keep saying he's a tech person who wants to be a comedian. But, and so I just follow, I was like, this is what it is. I'm going to be vulnerable. I know I'm funny, but how am I funny this way? And I just have to not be funny for a while and just get into it and just try to be good at this form, try to be funny through this lens.

I'm sort of doing that now with Stand Up and I'm having a real hard time with it. Stand Up is hard. Stand Up is really hard and sometimes it's amazing and sometimes it's just, I did a Stand Up show on Friday night. They didn't cancel the show. How was that three people came like friends of one guy who brought uh-huh It was tough tough sledding. It was tough. It was like yeah three people that's yeah, it was tough And I once did a show not during fires and there was six people in the crowd the person before me walked two of them

So there was four people for me. And I was like, you know, I'm going to give them the show of their life. And this man was with this big, tittied lady. And during my session, you're funny. I was like, this is hell on earth. This sucks. But now we have a connection. Now I will follow you to the end of the earth. Yeah, this person, one person during when I first got up, they immediately got up. So then there was two people. I'm like, I just lost a third of the audience.

And I've done improv in front of three people when I was first starting out. And you just get, I actually did it at a place last year. And there was like four people in the audience, an improv show I was doing with a friend. And I was lost like, ee, ee, ee. But it's tough. But stand up for me is like it's this thing because again like the way I'm really figuring out if I should continue with it because

I'm like do I want to reveal this much about myself like what I love about improv is I get to play characters and be an idiot and just be and then there's like a bunch of people who are like yeah yeah, well, yes and all that. When you're alone on a stage, you're like, this? Mm, you didn't like it? Yeah. What about this? Oh, you liked it. Okay. I'm gonna keep doing that.

Yeah. And I'll do it tomorrow night and no one will like it. Mm-hmm. And then I feel guilty about redoing... Like, I had to do all... Because it was during a fire, I was like, my material has to be about the fire. Yes. I can, I was like, my material has to be about the fire.

I can't not be like, hey, my Christmas tree. My goddamn kids in their Santa lists. And all the thing I was preparing for, I was like, I got the show, I'm gonna prepare all my Christmas stuff. And I'm like, no, now I gotta talk about this. And then it's like, then I'm like, I don't wanna share this burden of sharing so much about my point of view all the time. And maybe it's just like, I don't want to share this burden of sharing so much about

my point of view all the time. And maybe it's just someone, I don't do that. You know, I just don't, why don't like tweet a lot and I don't go on Instagram a lot and I don't do podcasts or whatever because I don't really talk a lot about myself. I like to just perform as someone else or just do make believe, you know. No, I get that. That's what I do make believe, you know, and- No, I get that. That's what I enjoy.

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I've been in this chair for six... Sorry about it! Can I leave? No, no, we needed to come back from the break and it needed to be a six hour break. Those are SAG rules. But I didn't even get to go to the bathroom or get something to eat or drink.

No, SAG rules. Six hour break, no bathroom, nothing. This is a SAG production, okay. Why is there an intimacy coordinator here? Because we're gonna get to the fuck yeah. Okay. I can't get the sweater off it's staples in my shirt. So it doesn't ride up. Intimacy coordinator is a good thing, but also a wild thing.

Like what is your job? I watch people pretend to have sex and make sure that it's good. Yeah. And like nice and safe and everyone feels good about it. It's wild. But I'm glad that they exist. Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

I think it's better than the alternative. You know, I think we're headed in a better direction. You know, it's like, come on. It's like, let's just all, we're all making art. We're not like, and nowadays it's like, no one has to do anything Really that puts anyone in danger Not that they ever did because it just becomes a thumbnail on a huge Netflix thing and forgotten

Yeah, it's like yeah Why not just be safe about it and do it the right way and have a nice time and everyone's happy Yeah, everyone should just chill out because nothing matters anymore. I know. Have you been following the Blake Lively, Justin somebody? The whole thing about that thing? About the worst movie ever made? That nobody's seen? I'll go on record.

It was a terrible movie for all of this hoopla. It's bad. Well, the whole thing is about them. And then you're like, well, can you just make this into a movie? Yeah. I mean, that would be juicier. The movie was not good. No, but that was like that other movie that had all that controversy. I forget what it's called.

Oh, where everyone was sleeping with each other. The director was sleeping with Harry Styles. With Harry Styles. And Don't Worry, Darling. Yes, Don't Worry, Darling. And it's just like I never saw it, but I'm like, there's just so much drama about it that I'm like, come on, can't we all just get along?

Like, you never hear about two grips who fell in love during a filming. And like, he won't leave the truck until Terry leaves the set. Wait, that is so funny. I never thought of it that way. An actor can stay in their trailer because they're mad about something, but a grip, they gotta do their job. Terry leaves the set. Wait, that is so funny. I never thought of it that way. An actor can stay in their trailer

because they're mad about something, but a grip, they gotta do their job. Yeah, you gotta be like, we gotta get this four-by floppy up. No. No. No, it doesn't feel right to me right now. Not with Terry here.

Terry is making me feel less bad. It's so crazy. You know what? I just picture, you know, because whenever there's drama on a set, you know, you just know that, while all that was going on, people are just like, ba-ba, just sitting on set.

Just like, oh. You're like, I could be home with my kids. I could be doing anything else. There's actors who are waiting for the drama to end for them to do their thing. And people who have lives, and it's like, people just get into their own. And I don't know what it is, I'm not disparaging either one. Well, in therapy I've been working on, I am not the main character in other people's story. So like, someone else's choice usually has nothing to do with me.

And that's a thing that I'm working on. And I think a lot of actors are like, I'm the main character in everybody's story and I'll never leave my trailer. And you're like, okay. I've got top billing in your life. Who's number one in Owen Bruce's call sheet? Nicole Bayer? Oh, I'm number, wait, I'm number five?

I'm number five in my own life? Oh my gosh. Wait a second. Yeah, it's um, yeah, I always think that if some like that people are mad at me all the time. I always have this thing that people are mad at me and I don't know why. It's just weird thing. I remember we did a fundraiser for a halfway house in New York City, a UCB fundraiser, and a priest called me up who ran the halfway house, and he was like, may I speak to Owen Burke?

And I was like, oh my God, what did I do? He was just thanking me. I'm like, oh my God. I always think I've upset somebody or done something wrong and people are mad at me. So that's how I'm like a negative narcissist. I think that I've done something terrible. I'm a positive one.

I'm like, hmm, they're all thinking about me. I have a question. OK. Just to bring it back to relationships. Oh, yeah. How did you propose to your wife? It was an ultimatum. I was like, either we get married or we break up.

And she was like, no, no. I actually, she had never learned to drive. And so I was teaching her how to drive. And- In New York? No, well, we were living in New York, but we didn't live together. And so we were up in, my family lives in Cape Cod.

And so we were driving around Cape Cod and I had a ring in my pocket and we were driving around. And we had a bottle, I hid a bottle of champagne in the trunk and the way she was driving, so many starts and stops that you'd hear the bottle roll, boom, boom, boom, boom. She's like, what's that noise? I'm like, ah, tire items.

Oh, that damn body, Billy Bats. I gotta cut it off, it's a sin. But so we were teaching her to drive and then we drove to Nosset Beach in Orleans because there's a big parking lot there and it was really a stormy, not stormy, but like a gray windy day, so no one was there and she was parking and then we got out

and I was like, let's just take a walk on the beach. And then we walked on the beach and then I just got on a knee and proposed. And she was completely surprised Completely surprised and it was great. It was really cute that you rewarded her for driving badly Yeah, she was like now and she's been driving badly ever since she thinks that's what she's like. I gotta keep driving badly He's gonna leave me things. I was the thing I gotta get into an accident

And she's a great driver now, thank goodness. But yeah, so that's what it was, and it was a surprise to her. And she was worried a little bit that we wouldn't get married, because remember I lived in a first floor apartment in Brooklyn, and the floor above me, the apartment became free, and I was sitting at Christine's, and I'm like, oh, Dirty Kev can move in upstairs. And it would be so funny, and she's like, Dirty Kev can move in upstairs. And it would be so funny.

She's like, Dirty Kev, ah! And she just started crying. I'm like, what? She's like, we're never getting married, are we? I was like, wait, why? Because Dirty Kev's moving up upstairs? And she- Dirty Kev.

Dirty Kev, he was my best man. And so, and then I was- Well, how long did you date before she cried? Like four years. Oh, okay. Four years. And we sort of already knew that we were going to stay together. There wasn't like, you know, I think dating, for dating as long as we did was great, you

know, because this is the longest relationship I've ever had, now especially. But then, my longest relationship was 10 months before dating her. I had to sneeze. Nicole Blessing. Thank you. Even your number one in God's call sheet. Nicole Blessing. God's like, God damn it.

Oh boy. He's on the phone with Ari Emanuel. I can't get on there. Why won't you date me? What is happening? What is happening? It's starting to look like a fire. But, uh, it's, uh, so yeah, cause then you're like, What is happening? What is happening? It started to look like a fire. But it's, so yeah, because then you like, you have ups and downs with someone.

Even when you really get to know them, you have a, like, what is happening? And you have a moment to like, wait, are we, should we be together? And so we made it through a couple of those and then we got married. But I knew pretty early on that I wanted to marry her. She was... You know, we just fit in this way where we just fit both like... We're very different, but that difference is how we fit, you know? Like, she fits in the crook of my arm.

Aww. So a lot of our stuff is just... We don't talk a lot. We just spend a lot of time just like, crooked together. Like watching baking show or whatever. And... That's cute. Yeah, we don't do a lot of like,

we don't have any outside activities that keep us together. We have separate activities, but then the downtime is with each other, if that makes sense. I think that's nice, because then you have something to talk about. Or not talk about. Oh, yes.

Or just be silent and hold your outside life as a secret. Yeah. Well, I mean, I find that that helps, you know? Like, because if she found out what I was doing outside the house, she would leave me in a second. So, no. But like, I used to work and... I used to work! I used to work for a living. Yeah, I used to bring in money.

Before show business took its shipwrecked turn, but like... Yeah, it was bad. It's really... It's tough. It's gnar-nar binks out there. Yeah, I'm touring again this year, cause, you know, shit's tight. Really? I'm like... I'm guesting on any podcast that asks.

I'm like, give me that money. I need that money. Oh, I need a Venmo payment. I'm like sending my kids out to do babysitting. Yeah Venmo me and they'll get the money Yeah, they'll get it. Yeah, 90 10 split the kids get that 10. Hey, so read the fridge If they got expensive cheese bring it home. We'll put it on eBay It's uh, yeah,, you know, I never talk of, I never would bring my work home. I never talk about how this happened or this, this. And it just really,

it made it so that what we, when we were together, it was not about anything else, but each other. And then, of course, we have kids. So a lot of what we do talk about is logistics, the kids, and getting our kid into college, or, you know, driving them pickups, sports, all these things that we have to do.

But then it's a... We do that, and then the rest of it is just chill. It's just we don't really get into, like, profound conversations about anything. And it feels weird to say or whatever, but it actually works for us. And I think that's the thing about a relationship is that don't confuse perfect with just right, because no one is perfect. I like that.

Yeah. It's just like, she's just, we're just right for each other. And there are things about her that annoy me. There are things about me that I are things that, about her, that annoy me. There are things about me that I'm sure don't annoy her, but she just says they do. But that annoy her. But like when those things happen, I'm like, well, that's not why I married her.

So yes, this, this, but that's not why I married her. So why we married her is something bigger or whatever. And so we deal with problems sort of as, well, this is something we just have to deal with, but why we're together never really gets affected. Sort of, we just sort of. I like that. It sounds really solid and nice and comfortable.

It's very comfortable. And sometimes I wonder if it's too comfortable that we're too like casual with each other, but then we, she's always been good if there's the slightest... issue. Like a little bit of a rip, a little tear. She says something right away. And so it never becomes this thing that keeps opening

that then you have to do surgery to close it up. It's just like, oh, let's just staple that together. And she was always very good about saying something and then we worked through it and then we move on. I want to get like that. I'm not good at that and I'll let things go and then I'll be like, I feel angry or I'm starting to resent this person and it's like,

oh, because I didn't talk about this one thing that happened a month ago. And then if I talk about it, I instantly feel better. Yeah, and it's good just to let it out early because then if you don't talk about it, then it builds and then all of a sudden narratives start building on it. You start just making shit up.

Yeah, then it becomes, all of a sudden you're building the Sandman from The Three. All of a sudden you got a daughter and you got to run banks for your daughter and punch sand through, get sand in people's iPads and And it's really just like it's she was always she's very good at being very direct but not in a like a like harsh way just like this is how I feel and then it's like immediately like I'm I'm like sorry and please forgive me.

Don't leave me. But uh... Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm so sorry, forgive me. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. And if you are going to leave me, please don't take my record collection.

No. But uh, I don't have a record collection. She has a record collection. I don't have a record collection. But she, uh, so it's just, it's gotten better through the years, which is crazy. We actually, the longer we've been married, the better it's become. I think that's what it's supposed to be.

Yeah, and I think it goes the opposite way a lot, and then people are miserable, and trying to figure out how to get out. But yeah, I want my relationship to, like, get better, you know, every month, every year I'm with that person. Yeah, and I think it's just going, she let, from the beginning, we went really slow. When we first started, it was interesting,

we met on Ash Wednesday, and then we really started dating on Easter. So 40 days and 40 nights in the desert. I didn't even put that together just now. And really she just was sort of like, you know, go on a date, have a good dinner, whatever. And really she just was sort of like, you know, go on a date, have a good dinner, whatever. And she really took it slow, really took it slow.

And which was really helpful. And then, you know, as we got, she didn't want to move in together until we got married. So, cause she was living with someone when we met. And my friends are like, oh, you're always going for a woman that you can't get. Which was always my way too. Like, oh, I love this woman.

And she's like, oh, the person who lives 3000 miles away or does this or is not into you or whatever. So like yet another time. And then, so then we moved in together. I proposed, then she moved in. And then we wanted to have a kid and to bring us sort of closer together. And so everything has been about getting closer together,

as opposed to how do we, we're drifting apart, how do we save this? It's, we really love this, what's the next step that brings us, that's something else we could do together as a couple. And so we had our oldest daughter, and then the other two were unplanned, and complete surprises to both of us.

But... Really? Two? Two surprises? Two, yeah. For a completely different reason, like, whoa. I was like, you can get pregnant? Whoa, I didn't know that.

I really was like an after-school special as like a 30-year-old mid-30s guy. I was like, what? You can get pregnant? Christina, why do you tell me you can get pregnant? What? What? And so, yeah, unplanned. And so, it was crazy. And then I thought we were done after two.

And then I came back from doing a show in Telluride. We were doing this comedy thing. And did you ever do that Telluride job? No. And I've heard a lot about it, though. I got to do it once, and they never asked me back. So I'm like, I guess I was on the front page of the Telluride newspaper, but that's not enough.

Anyway. And then she's like, I'm pregnant. I was like, what? Wait, how? I didn't, what, wait, how? I didn't, what, how does this work? But it's been amazing. It's like I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's really, being a dad is amazing. And being married to her as parents is amazing. So it's been really fantastic, you know? It's like sort of boring, I guess, but it really is. No, I don't think happiness and love are boring. I think they're really exciting. And I think it's nice to hear. I don't know. I really like hearing about people's love and I love hearing about people's happiness. It makes me happy. Yeah, I'm glad. I mean, it makes me super happy. And you know, it's just, it's a very,

we're very much like, especially after COVID being in this house together, I haven't been working. And, and so it's just really, we spend a lot of time together. And I've spent a lot of time with my kids since COVID. And, and so we're just like this very small unit of family. We're like a little house on the prairie. I love it. And I love that you're not sick of each other.

You're like, give us more time together. And we have a little house on the prairie. I love it. And I love that you're not sick of each other. You're like, give us more time together. And we have a tiny house. Tiny. It's like the studio. I wish I had the room of the studio. Like, it's amazing. I was like, oh, wow. This is like the size of like two of my houses, this studio.

I'm like, and you have a bathroom in here. But like, it's a... I'm like always using my neighbor's bathroom. Knock, knock, knock. I gotta pee again. And when I'm sorry, I had too much coffee this morning Edwin I brought my own matches from Cheesepaka They're the good ones, the wooden matches

They are the good ones I like a big long match But also I switch to match incense So you light the match and then it becomes, it's like a little incense stick. Whoa! And then you put it in the little foil and then it burns. And then it covers up your stinky doo doo.

Ooh, that's a good idea. Yeah, I got, my kids will like spray perfume into the bathroom. That's tough, because then it smells like poop perfume. Yeah, it smells like poop-firm. Poop-firm. Poop-firm. it smells like poop firm. Poop-oom. Poof-oom. Poof-oom.

Poop-oom. Poof-oom. Poop-oom. Pew pew pew. Pew pew pew. Pew pew pew. Yeah. Are your kids dating?

Are they of the dating age? Are you like a TV dad where you're like, oh, head rules and head rules. Crack your neck if you do things. Come down to the coal pile. Let me talk to you. Where are you going to get a coal pile. Let me talk to you My dad was not interested he'd be like anybody can have you I simply don't care

He's like he's like do I get land for her? Is there a dollar? He'd be like I don't need a thing. I just take her. Hey, I've got some big plans for her bedroom That's gonna be my man cave I'm gonna make sandwiches in there Just take her. Take her. I've got some big plans for her bedroom. That's gonna be my band cave. I'm gonna make sandwiches in there. My daughter, my oldest daughter, has been in a relationship with another girl for about three or four years. Oh, wow.

In high school. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That's so nice. They're all through high school, it's amazing. It's really amazing. They're like the sweetest, just sweet and really great. Have you threatened your girlfriend? I'm like, you better, you better be careful with my daughter. They're like, my daughter is like,

my daughter, she goes to an all-girls school. I was at their award ceremony last year and my daughter got MVP of the lacrosse team. She's wearing a varsity jacket with the leather sleeves. She's got her MVP lacrosse MVP and her arm around her girlfriend's neck. I'm like, she's a bad guy in a John Hughes movie. My daughter is like, she has so much confidence.

She's like, what's up, dad? Like, such swagger. And they're really, my kids has so much confidence. She's like, what's up, dad? Like, such swagger. And they're really, my kids have so much confidence. It's amazing. They're actually, they help me a lot. They're like, dad, you're so hard on yourself about how you look or whatever. Like, you gotta be nicer to yourself. You have to be, you have to love yourself, dad. They're like really sweet.

I love your family. That is so fucking sweet. Yeah, they're very sweet and they're very like, you know, during these fire things, like, I went on their Instagram and they're like posting places to shelter, they're stopping misinformation. They're like very, very thoughtful children. Like the youngest is an animal maniac. She's going to get by in her looks.

But the two oldest are really amazing. Now, the thing... What is it about the youngest? I'm also the youngest, and I think my parents would have described me as such. Like, I don't know, she's fucking feral. And I don't know why younger siblings are like that. I don't know either.

I mean, I'm the youngest of four boys, and then I have a little sister. So I wasn't the baby, but I was the youngest. And I think it's because you have to fight your old. The two older sisters will gang up on the youngest and they're just like bang, bang, bang. And she has to be like, stand up for herself in a way that the other two don't.

And I don't know if that's a part of it, but she's really. Maybe, but my sister and I were a year and a half apart and I think I just ruined the vibes. I think she was vibing, she was like, I'm one and a half, I'm almost two. Is there only two of you? Uh-huh. Oh yeah. Having a nice time and then I was like,

ah, they'll pay attention to me. Yes. And then she was like, oh, all right, well. Like, my bedroom was the guest bedroom and they had a queen size bed in there, so I had a queen size bed since birth. Oh my god. My sister had a crib and then a twin bed and then they never gave her a bigger bed.

No. You are the spoiler. My oldest, my, the two oldest are 17 months apart. And I think, and Lucy the oldest, she, Hazel ruined her life. And she would say it every once in a while like, oh, it was great for a while. It's like you were barely conscious. But no, it really, I'll show you a picture after this, but it was a picture of Hazel when she was just really little and Lizzie just pointing at her like,

just like, ah, ah, ah, ah. I had to take a picture because she was just like, a moment in time, like how she really feels. And because Hazel, I don't know how you were with like crawling and walking, but like she wanted to keep up with Lucy. So she crawled like for it. And then she walked early and she's just like, so they're very competitive. You know, and they play sports together.

They play golf together and they're very competitive. Oh, golf. Yeah, all three of my girls golf. Oh, do you golf? I golf, and my girls are real athletes. Like, Lucy plays lacrosse, golf, softball. Hazel was great at gymnastics, stopped doing gymnastics. Now she's a teenager, but she was a fantastic gymnast.

Plays golf, doesn't play as much as I would like her to, because she's really good and she would be great if she played. And Rose, my youngest, is fantastic at softball and golf. Yeah, they're all like athletes, you know, which is so crazy to me. That's nice. My dad had two black daughters and was like, Venus and Serena. And we were like, no. No. I simply won't do it. I wish I had played tennis. I don't know. Tennis seems like fun. I simply don't understand the scoring. Love.

Yeah, it's so... Advantage? It's like, what? Serve. Serve. Deuce. It's like, just use numbers. Just say one, two, three. No, well, love comes from le oeuf, which is an egg in French. Which is zero. I think, I don't know. I think I heard that.

But it's like to me, That's wild. It's like, just relax. Just call it zero. Just relax. Everyone just relax. Yeah, just chill out. And not 15 love. Like why is it 15?

Yeah, why? And then 30 and then 40, not 45. Like guys, make this, it's one, two, three, tie. One up, win. You know, and this, it's one, two, three, tie. One up, win. You know, and instead of it's like, well, it's love, 15, and you're like, please guys. Doesn't make any sense. Zero sense.

Do you have any advice for people who are single and looking to mingle? I would say this. I don't give relationship advice. Because I was so bad at dating. But you're in a very successful marriage. I'm in a very successful, my IMDB meter is through the roof as far as my marriage is concerned. But I would say this, because I was so bad at dating and I have such self-loathing and low self-esteem

that I didn't know if I would ever date or whatever. I was really bad at it. But I met Christina when I was doing what I loved most. And I think that if you're not meeting anybody, whatever, just do what you love and try to do it in a, I'm going to say like a public setting. Like, I love to dance naked. Well, don't do it on, you know.

Yeah, go to line dancing. Go to, I don't know. Go to the thing that you love. Like, for me, it was doing comedy. So I was in my element. I really was, that was the most myself I had ever been in my life. Where I was really, once I discovered improv, when I saw that first improv show I was

Like this is the path where this leads I have no idea but I know this is the path so I was really in tune with myself and The fact that I went back to take Ian as a teacher was an act of pure Pure just Curiosity and drive to get better at what I loved. It wasn't like to get something or angle. It was like to dive deeper into something I love. So it was really about being loving who I am.

And like bettering yourself. It was probably the first time that I loved myself, you know? That I was really like, I'm good at this and I feel good about myself. That when I met Christina, I could be confident enough and open enough, and we don't share a lot of interests, but we shared that at the moment. But we didn't share, like, we wouldn't talk about improv at all.

We would be like, what do you think about object work? You know? I say do it small. I say do it big. I don't do cabinets. I do drawers. Do you make egg white omelets or regular omelets? Well, in improv, I'm making just a full egg omelet.

I'm not skipping calories. It's not real. No, I'm always doing a full omelet. That's very, I'm always- Give me that yolk. Yeah, I'm always, I cook with butter in it with improv too. Like I'm not like, no like grape seed oil. I'm like putting butter in it.

No, get that butter. I do heavy cream. I'm making casseroles. Ooh, I'm going to make a carbonara. Oh yeah. Did you know how many calories are in like a carbonara with like heavy cream? Like 2,000. It's so many. Yeah. I couldn't believe. I love cooking for my kids because they're just these clean engines that can process anything. I like cook with so much butter and cheese when I make them food and they're just like and theyr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-br-brr-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br- You know, but it really like... When I was taking my daughter to look at colleges,

and I was seeing all these kids in college, I was going to campuses and breaking into dorm rooms and stealing money. And no, I'm just joking. But I was going... No, no. I believe it. She's like, oh, look at this. A two dollar bill! ["The Bill is a Two Dollar Bill"] But, uh... But I would see so many kids wearing headphones and looking at their phones as they're walking

through campus. And I'm like, you're 20 years old, you're 19, you're 21. Take off the headphones. Stop looking at the screen. And I know I wasn't raised with it, so I don't understand it as well as they do. But the world is out there. And people aren't on your phone. People are around you and if you're doing something you love in a community,

like if college, like me being an institutionalist, when I was in college, I was a full institutionalist at college too. Library. I used the library all the time. I used the business center. I used all, anything I go to, the Jesuits, I used it all. And it's like if you dive in full on to what you love and a community, you may not meet somebody, but you most likely will meet the right, sort of right person for you, if you're open to it and open with yourself and loving yourself a little bit too, you know? I agree. I think community is very important.

I think it's an important way to like find your people and then hopefully find somebody that you love. I mean, think about how many friends we have from- From improv. I have so many, most of my dear friends are, I met at UCB. Yeah, almost all. I mean, Paul Scheer is my daughter's godfather. You know what I mean?

Like it's, we've become such, and it's all because we all shared this Experience in this place that we an improv is about giving it's more than taking and it really is a shared thing and our best friends are all from there and so being a part of a community and Really being a part of it not just saying I tell young people, you get more from giving than taking. You can just believe that, that if you give, you get so much more back than if you take. And are these young people asking for advice or are you stopping them in the streets? No, I go to USC and ask them to throw me the frisbee,

and then I ask them to buy me a coffee and then I talk to them and tell them, no, I'm always giving advice to college graduates from my college or young people. It's just something that I've always done. And people breaking into the business or whatever, friends or whatever, their kids, whatever. College, my college is always asking me to do stuff like that. And so I just, I love giving advice

and I really just dive in and just, just let you lose yourself in something the Jesuits taught me. So come to the grace. And this is something about marriage and being in a relationship. So come to the grace of the other person. So come to the grace of the relationship. So come to it. Just be open to it.

Knowing that it'll only give you good back. And just be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be open to it and know that it won't hurt you. It'll actually fill you up in a beautiful way. And that's what I learned about from the Jesuits. I did that with my comedy and with my wife. And I just sort of followed epiphanies with both and just let the faith carry me forward, you know? Oh, and that's a sweet way to end this. Do you have anything that you want to promote?

I do a show with you once a month at Largo called Dinosaur Improv. It is very fun. It's very fun. So usually at the end of the month, we usually do it. So if you're ever in LA and you go to Largo and you're there at the end of the month. Yeah. Come see the show. It's fun. I don't really have anything else to promote, you know, World Peace.

Yeah, World Peace. That's nice. Yeah, that'd be nice. And then that's it. But yeah, I do an improv show once a month. I love it. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it. You can give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I'll read it. Uh, okay.

You said we were, you were getting low. I would be very upset if you ran out. This is a modification to my forever favorite dirty message of clam chowder vagina soup. I thought I could do a version you might like since you started liking some soup. I do like soup now. I would like to flip you upside down and fill your pussy with ramen. Okay, just better than clam chowder. I'll slurp those noodles right out and gobble them down. Hope you don't get a yeasty. Well, now you made it upset. Also, you mentioned a power steering manifold broke on your share Jeep. I don't think a yeasty. Well now you made it upset. Also you mentioned a power steering manifold broke

Broke on your share Jeep. I don't think that's a thing. I googled it. I think it was a nodule Okay, so you want to fill me with ramen and correct me? Okay Am I supposed to know what's been going on right now? No, and that's okay. This is from an OG listener who's straight and married. Oh, I forgot. Would you date me? Of course I would date you. Yes, yes.

I mean, Christina might get upset about it, but we don't talk, so she would never find out. Yeah, she doesn't know what you're doing outside of the house. Let's go see Craven. Let's go see Craven. Honestly, I would love to. It is maybe my top movie of... When did it come out?

Twenty-four. Oh, okay. So yeah, Madame Web, Craven, Joker 2. Those are my top three. I watched... Oh, you saw Joker 2? I fucking loved it. I saw it in theaters. I haven't seen it yet. I saw Madame Web with my kids. Mm-hmm. And they... We watched it. And we were like, this is gonna be bad. Mm-hmm.

They, we're mesmerized by it because it's just, it's on a, it's like my dinner with Andre. It's just on a different level of like, what am I, is this gonna be the whole movie? It's like, I don't know if you ever saw that movie Roma that like won the Oscar where it's just like the first 10 minutes learning the credits. It's just like water being spl if you ever saw that movie Roma that like won the Oscar where it's like the first 10 minutes learning the credits it's just like water being splashed on like cobblestones

And you're like is this so if this is the pace of this movie. I guess I'm just gonna just sit back and Take it in and wash over me. Art or whatever like blow up or something is like I guess this is what it is That's like man and women like this is on another plane of like time and space. It was so interesting. I was like, this director should work forever. Somehow this director managed to direct all of the actors to act like they're in different movies. I couldn't, I was like, what?

It was the Marvel Universe. Truly, truly. And then the end with her glasses and her move and change. I, ooh, I, ooh, I screamed. Sometimes movies are like that where you're like, I have a bunch of movies where I'm like, I'm not going to say you're going to like it. I'm not saying it's good, but I liked it. And you know, it's like certain movies are like that where you're like,

I can't really speak to whether this movie is good. That's like Craven. There's a man who turns into a rhinoceros. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! He must be horny! Ooh! He does have a horn, and he makes some really interesting choices. Oh, man. Have you ever seen Braven? No.

Treat yourself to Braven. What's Braven? Jason Momoa. I do like Jason Momoa. A really nice logger. He just likes to drive a log truck. That's all he wants to do and shoot bows and arrows with his beautiful wife and his kids. He just loves to bow and arrow it up and drive log trucks.

Someone's using his cabin for drugs. And he didn't know about it. And now drug dealers are coming to his snowy cabin. And he's got a dad who's there too. And then it's like a bow and arrow. It's like 1991 Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's like commando type. It's like that great old school action movie.

Very simple, but very sad. I'll watch it, because I just watched Total Recall. I couldn't believe all the choices that were made. There's a lady with three titties in it. Oh, it's the best. I said, what? I said, what? The?

Oh, my god. It's the best. Oh. I love that movie. The cab driver. It's great. Oh, I love it. That movie is, you know, I love the construction worker who's

in it in the beginning, too. He's like that big... He's in every TV show and commercial growing up. I love when I see actors, you're like, you've been in everything I've ever seen. Yes, because they used to have character actors. Now we're putting prosthetics on Colin Farrell to make him into the Penguin. We have Penguins in this world. I've seen a lot of ugly people. It's really, they've given up on, like Hollywood seems to have given up on just people.

It's like there's six people who can be on camera and we'll do anything we can to make them look like other people. Or every commercial now is like, like the Super Bowl, you all have seen the Super Bowl by now. I guarantee there are no good ideas in the commercials. about like well LL Cool J was driving the train You know like a train just went through the house where people were watching TV a whole train just went to the house That's not enough. It's got to be LL Cool J. I have not seen this commercial

Oh my gosh, but it's like it's just always about that. It's oh, it's Betty White I mean which would be a remarkable math. That would be wild. That would be crazy if it was not a hologram and it was actually, they got Betty White. She loves to work. But you know, it's like, it's only about, oh, isn't it funny that it's this person doing it

as opposed to different kinds of actors that you get to know over time or whatever. I don't know, it's weird. I agree. Well, that's it. Did I do the outro? I think so. Oh, okay.

Well, thank you for having me. Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it. I hope it was good. I think it was. Yeah, leave all this in. It was good. Yeah.

No, but this would be like a date. I'd be like, thank you for having me on this date. I hope it was good for you. Would you say that? No, but it was never a clean ending to a date. I'd be like, all right, bye. I know we're done, but when I was dating, I had become clinical with it.

I would be like, I had a nice time. Thank you very much for taking me out. Wow. And then I'd be like, now you have to say, I'll be like, I had a nice time. Thank you very much for taking me out. Wow. And then I'd be like, now you have to say, I'll take you out again. I'll take you out again. Because I was like, I'm not going to ask you out. You have to ask me out, because all the articles

say don't chase a man. Anyway, we're done. Bye, Owen. Bye, Nicole. Bye, fans. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue. With guest research by Lindsay Kemp.

Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our theme music is arranged by Mike Cometae. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye. the HeadGum podcast We're Here to Help with my partner Gareth Reynolds. We're Here to Help is a call and advice show. Think car talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems. We also have guest helpers join us from the entire cast of New Girl to Michael Cera,

Andy Samberg, Jimmy Kimmel, just to name a few. So do me a favor and come check out an episode and then bounce around our catalog. We're over 150 episodes so far, so there's plenty of stories for you to discover. Subscribe to We're Here to Help on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday, and bonus episodes drop on Wednesdays. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman, and we're the hosts

of a new Headgum podcast called here to make friends Liz and I met in the writers room on a little hit TV show called dead to me, which is a show about murder But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s Which can really happen and it has happened to us. It's true because life is imitated And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now. We're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett. Wow, I have so much to say.

Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become

our friends in real life. Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Career-ing. Yeah. And why we love film and Louise and it's the greatest movie of all time.

Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. But it's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.