Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Trash TV (w/ Patti Harrison)

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Comedian Patti Harrison (Shrill, Search Party) joins Nicole to chat about 90 Day Fiancé, issues with casting in today's media, and advocates for the well-being of child actors. Plus, they discuss their love for the Fast & Furious franchise, Patti shares the details of her childhood Vin Diesel sex dream, and Nicole shepherds Patti into trash television.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you threw a glass bottle at my head, I would still say, yum,, BoJack Horseman, I Think You Should Leave, High Maintenance, Search Party, Broad City, it is Patty Harrison! Hi! Patty, how are you?

I'm okay, I'm fine, yeah. I'm feeling,'s uh nice i yeah i guess i guess uh i haven't had uh coffee in a while and uh so i'm trying i'm trying that again i i quit it and then i started it and then i restarted it and then i quit it again um so i that's what i'm it's not as bad as the last time i quit drinking coffee i guess the withdrawal sores why did you quit drinking coffee did you feel as if you were addicted yeah yeah i think so it just like it made i just always had like long-term i guess diarrhea okay and i have ibs and I'm lactose intolerant. So there's a lot of like different things that can like give me diarrhea.

And I've just perpetually had diarrhea and accepted it as like the way that I should. And then I'm like, oh yeah, I drink maybe like four or five cups of coffee a day. I'm always tired. I never feel like energized by it I feel really jittery and um and like strung out so I was like maybe if I just quit coffee to see what would happen that would be and then like the it it actually I did feel like better and also when i would randomly have like a cup of coffee like after not drinking coffee for like two months it was it did the thing that i wanted coffee to do which is like pet me up because it didn't do that anymore so thank you for having me on your podcast

and this is really fun people really want to hear about the coffee but i have a question do you have add maybe i do i have add and coffee doesn't really do anything for me at this point i think i just drink it because of routine yeah it doesn't keep me awake it really i love my favorite thing to do is to like pound a coffee at 1 p.m and immediately go to sleep for three hours and wake up and just the room is spinning and i feel like shit and then I go back to sleep and then I wake up at like 9 p.m. and then I'm up until 6 a.m. and yeah yeah that sounds like exactly what happened to me yesterday yesterday I drank some coffee at like 1 30 and then I didn't take a nap immediately I took a nap at like 8 and then well i didn't take a nap immediately i took a nap at like eight and then i okay full disclosure i was masturbating at eight and then i fell asleep with my magic wand right it wasn't on

it was just off just on my fucking clit and then i woke up an hour later and was like oh boy you can't even stay awake to fucking come you You know, this year's been interesting. Well, is it kind of like one of those things where you set it up for like when you wake up, it's like you just turn it on, you go to sleep, and then when you wake up, you have come, and you're like, oh, great, I got it over with. I wish I was that, I had that fortitude, but no, I just truly passed out and then woke up and was like, oh no, well, I guess it's not what I wanted to do in lockdown.

That just is something that I continue to violently do way too much all the time. Violently is a very, very good word to describe what I'm doing alone at home. Patty, I have a question. So I asked you to do Zip-A-Guest, and you said, hell yeah. does it matter that i've been married for 20 years to the person i lost my virginity to and i've never dated anyone else and i said it doesn't even if this is a bit and then you said i'll let my husband know

and i still don't know if this is a bit or not it's a bit okay and 100 i'm i yeah i've i've never been married unfortunately and um i mean i would love if that were my truth i wish it weren't a joke i wish i lost my virginity too was my husband and that i had to ask him permission to be on podcasts but sadly i couldn't even imagine that life honey can i do this it just it blows my mind that some people live that way yeah and even just being like hey um you know i don't i don't even care if you do it it's just nice if you check in and let me know it's like that level of like yeah it's like more insidious to me. Do you watch any of the 90 Day Fiancé franchises? I don't. That is the one where it's, is that the one where it's immigrants trying to get citizenship?

Yeah, it's almost anti-immigration propaganda, if you will. But if you push that aside, what a fun treat to watch. I have watched a couple of episodes, and it was so insane. I'm not a big reality TV person. There are specific shows that I've watched. I watched Love is Blind. Mm-hmm. And I watched Love on the Spectrum.

But I haven't, I know like everyone around me is obsessed with 90 Day Fiancé. And I think it would be a very like vortex like experience for me that if I started. It fully is. It is very insidious. You watch one episode. You're like, these people are literally out of their minds. It fully is. It is very insidious. You watch one episode. You're like, these people are literally out of their minds. This is wild.

I have to watch another. And then you get sucked into the spinoffs. I watch all the spinoffs. And there was an episode where one of the people was married. She's from the Philippines. He's from here. She was having a girl's night with her sister-in-law.

And then her husband went to the club to pick her up to be like i think you've had too much fun and it's time for you to go home because you need to be a classy woman and i was like wait why why aren't more people upset there's one person screaming but i was like everyone should be screaming this is nuts yeah that is like middle school seventh grade chaperone level like control like you're like a marionette basically at that point that and but you're the pup you're a puppet that like fucks your yeah ventriloquist at that point you're like a sex doll because he also was like don't curl your hair uh don't wear tight clothes it was just a lot of rules that i was like the world has so many rules why would you want the person you're with to

put more rules on you yeah i'm like that is something that is a reason why i kind of like didn't jump into that show as i imagine it's a lot of like I know that there are like American women that are dating immigrant men but the men like American men who like have this idea of like having their mail order concubine sort of thing is is disturbing to me and that I'm like yeah I'm I'm I anticipated that I was gonna watch like a man be like, okay, it's 7 PM time to get into your silky little monogram nighty and you clean the floor while I whack off. I'm sure that doesn't happen in the show, but. Well, they haven't shown that.

And I say yet because the show is truly wild and anything can happen. Well, you know, let's go into a pitch meeting. Like things we've yet to see that we could actually imagine happening on the show that we think viewers would really, you know, think viewers would say it would pay off to see that happen. Maybe like I didn't like it at first, but then i was sucked in and i love watching what happens at 7 p.m uh what what is it about the show that you love so much i guess i really love watching i think i like watching unreasonable people it's kind of like improv you have your wackadoo character and then you have your straight man so the couples are the wackadoo characters and then every part of their family are the straight men being like why are you doing this they just ask

the questions that the viewer wants to know and nobody ever has answers and it's a full-blown disaster so it's it's kind of stabilizing for you yeah and, and I guess it's like, I have such little control in my life right now. I'll watch these people be full-blown out of control. And I go, you know, that was entertaining. And I know it's not, like, real real. That's the thing with, like, reality. It's like, not everything is super real. But also, the more we find out about what happens,

like, after the camera stopped rolling, it gets darker and darker. And I just try to push that aside. I don't even know if you can push it aside i think you just gotta dive in yeah i try not to look at what they do outside the show because it's so fucked up sometimes yeah i mean so i was turned on turned on to a bad girls club. Ah, yes. And I never watched it. I knew it existed. And then Z-Way was like, you should watch this show.

It's got stuff in it that you may like. And I was like, I doubt that. This seems like it's just traumatized people who are hyper-man hyper manipulated into these situations that it's like i don't know i feel like because i know about like the bachelor and how those girls were you know the producers like manipulated and like really basically agitated them and facilitated these this environment of like complete disorientation or whatever so that they're all like they have access to alcohol 24 7 they're like all really hungry they can't like see what's happening in the outer outside world so it just like makes them

manic and like i imagine that like at least in the show, like The Bachelor, there's like a better chance that not everyone has like debilitating childhood trauma. And it's like Bad Girls Club is like it's since that's like the prereq or something. Yeah. It's almost as if during casting, the first question is, are you a little unhinged with childhood trauma? And if you say yes, you're put into the pile of yeses. And if you go, oh, no, I go to therapy. I therapy i'm pretty well adjusted they're like this is not the show for you yeah they're like but but would you ever fuck your therapist like what do you think about your therapist don't you think she could be a kind of a like a twatty cunty liar too but the thing that sucks is that I had to buy it on Amazon Prime on my TV to watch it.

Because I was too lazy, I guess, to find a place to stream it for free. So I bought the whole, all of season four. And I watched a couple of episodes of it. And I was like, this is really depressing. But now I feel obligated to finish it because I paid for the whole season you spent the money so you might as well just get into it that's that's true thank you nicole you're welcome i'm here to shepherd you into trash television yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna be new i'm gonna be new the next time you talk to me you're gonna be like i've seen the whole

thing i'm not a better person for it but i was entertained for hours the next time you see me i'm wearing like a like a long a baby doll t that goes like really long and then like but i'm wearing a low rise like like distressed i'm wearing a low rise distressed denim skirt but it's super low rise so you can see my hip bones but it's super low-rise so you can see my hip bones but it's like that like weird strip right above your genitals but below your belly button that's showing and then i'm where i have like that like weird kind of like scene emo tease where it's like a side part in the back it's like all like teased up do you know what i'm talking about absolutely i had my hair like that it was like the posh spice angular cut where it's longer in the front yeah shavy short in the back and you spike

it up were you were you emo or seen or i don't think i could call myself fully seen or fully emo i like pop emo like i was supposed to see my chemical romance this year, but you know, Corona took that away from me. Yeah. That it's, it, there was like a lot of weird kind of like all indie pop rock re revival.

Like there's this bit like armor for sleep. Did you ever listen to armor for sleep? I don't know armor for sleep there. They're like, I think they're like like they're a bunch of bands on this uh i think they were on equal vision records i don't know there were a bunch of bands on this label that i really liked and it's just like emo pop poppy indie rock that's like super catchy and they were doing a reunion tour this year and were you gonna go it's yeah it's one of the worst yeah a lot of my uh in-person crowd plans and by a lot all of them are gone and i know everyone else's is too but i do

keep saying to my therapist i've been affected and she's like yes nicole this is the space for you to say that just don't go out into the world screaming i'm i'm affected by this you look at you look at your like therapist sleeve and right inside their jacket you see like a neon wristband because they just like secretly returned from like electric forest music festival and they're like oh yeah she like went and saw smash mouth i Smash Mouth had a concert during Corona because they're all stars. That checks out. My friend saw Smash Mouth like a couple of years ago and she said they opened and closed with Rockstar or All Star. That truly sounds like a delight and a treat. And I don't, I would leave in the middle because

I don't know any of their other songs. Yeah. You go from the beginning. Knowing that you show up and then you leave. You go to a bar. You get like a couple of like mudslides and then Ooh. A mudslide. I assume if you're gonna go see if you're seeing Smash Mouth

you're probably like a huge fan of mudslides. You're like I like ice cream with my alcohol it's i mean it's a it's um what is it what uh i believe it's an immersive experience yes that is a very immersive experience to have bailey's ice cream chocolate syrup and then maybe a liquor i don't remember i actually i think it's like rum right all those drinks are like rum and like moose tracks ice cream patty are you single right now i am are you on the apps i am i have been for forever which ones are you on i'm on tinder and i'm on hinge and raya and this app called

field and then i have bumble but i don't really use it and then i was on grinder for like a month and it was a nightmare and then i so but i've been like why was grinder a nightmare because i oftentimes would be like i wish there was a grinder for me where it tells me by the foot where somebody is i think it like i think it that's like the the one amazing uh feature of grinder i remember i downloaded it one time. I had just like broken up with my ex-boyfriend at the time and was on a work trip in like Atlanta and was staying at a hotel.

And so I downloaded Grindr because I'd never downloaded it. And I was very hesitant to use it because like I knew of other trans women who like used it and they were were like it's a pretty hellish experience for trans women but like the other dating apps don't really do a good job of like letting you find men who are like trans amorous or like attracted to trans women on other apps it's like it's gotten a little better

on like tinder and stuff but like grinder is like one of the few apps that lets men specifically find trans women if they're interested in it versus like if i'm on tinder or like bumble bumble and has been kind of a nightmare hinge has been kind of a nightmare in that like on tinder i can put that i'm transgender like right on top of my profile so it's like there are guys that you know swipe for your pictures and then they don't read that i'm trans or whatever and then i'll get like a message that's like not into trannies or like oh like not into so it's like that risk is there and it like is it just is shitty but like but on apps like bumble your information is like

down yeah it's like you just swipe through pictures and the little prompts or whatever and then it's pretty far down so it's like the odds of guys reading that i'm trans is like way less and also i have to be the first person to message so it's like on tinder at least it's like i think usually guys will message first so it's like if i got if a guy doesn't message me after they've matched with me there's probably a good chance they were just swiping and they didn't read that i was trans and then they read after the fact and they're like okay I'm not going to engage with it which is like great like I don't have to like deal with that but like bumble it's like I have to message those guys because I don't know if they read or not and so it creates like

more of a situation where I'm like hey what's up hi how are Hi, how are you doing? How's your day? And it's like, I don't date trannies. And it's like, okay. Thank you so much. Can I actually just take you out to coffee as friends and pick your brain about your amazing personality? But yeah, so Grindr, supposedly they were like, my trans female friends were like, it's because it's mostly gay men and then there are men that are like looking to meet trans women but grinder the atmosphere of grinder is so

hypersexual that like a lot of the guys on grinder who are looking to meet trans women are like are like discreet or like dl or they're like they're not out they're like trying to look to hook up with trans women in secret and a lot of those guys are scary they're like yeah usually it's because they haven't like dealt with their sexuality or like you know they're like just in the closet completely and so scared of people finding out that like those are the guys that like beat up and like kill trans women out of like panic so it's like in that situation those are also there's also just like a lot of men in like a hypersexual app like grinder who like their only frame of reference for trans women is like porn so they like immediately like blast you with like pictures of their like gaping assholes.

Oh boy. Or like just like they're like really like blood red pruney dicks. And it's like, and there's no filter. It's like, I can't, it's like, I can't really put that. I don't want messages. Yeah. You can't pick and choose. Yeah.

I can't be like, I don't want a message from can't pick and choose yeah i can't be like i don't want a message from like a 64 year old man who's being like i beckon your she cock come to me gorgeous tranny so but also don't tell my wife and kids it's like very it's it's a degrading and like pretty it's a gauntlet it it feels really bad truly hellish and real quick can i ask a question i've had some uh sensitive trans conversations where i've had guests say things and i haven't corrected them you've said tranny a couple of times that's bad yes it tranny is a bad word to say in for i guess people who like aren't trans okay so it's like the n word for me where i can say it and maybe i wouldn't want other friends to say it so it's like it's sorry if you

have if this is the stupidest question not at all it's it's about i think like i would never say the t word is like bad as the n word or something like that. I think it's like, it depends on how you're talking about it. Like I've been around gay friends who will be talking and they'll be like, Oh, there were like a bunch of trannies over there, like in front of me. And I'm like,

don't say that. Like, because it's, it's, it is a derogatory word and it's a word used to kind of like historically, especially TV and like film and shit it's like a joke it's like a joke word meant to just like degrade and belittle this person yeah and there's like you know it's when i when i use it i'm talking about like the way these men speak to me and they and it's like tranny porn it's like shemale porn like i would

never use i would never use the word shemale to gen like sincerely describe somebody but to describe the type of porn that people watch not to transplain but i watch disclosure and it's mind-boggling how trans people are presented in our media even now it's fucking insane yeah i mean it's like i think with anything any public conversation there's like i guess we're at the advent of the conversation breaking into the mainstream there's like the pendulum swing of it's like there's overcorrection so it's like before the before the representation was so bad it was just like every like trans trans knees are are like chicks with dicks and like a purely a punch line and then there's this push to like i think with any like social movement there's like a push in the media

to capitalize on it like so it's like now it's like i feel like there's an there's so much people wanting to make programming that's like overly sympathetic where it's like they only want to make shows about like trauma like the trans trauma and like that that's your narrative is that it's all trauma all the time and i think that's also not healthy like i think those stories are real is like there are real stories about like like that are important to be told about like um the the lived experiences of trans people and the violence and the struggle that, that is dealt with because of society and like social mores and stuff like that. But I, I think when you're only given that narrative and like, they're only,

they will only tell those stories, they'll only green light those stories, but they won't green light like other stories that don't have to do with like their perception of what your identity is i think it's like very psychologically harmful to the demographic of people who are actually like apart like trans actual trans people like if you're a trans person and you're you're only you're in like a small town or something and your only frame of reference for what your identity is is TV or whatever, and you're only seeing either trans people being used as a joke

or that you're just getting brutalized and beaten, raped all the time and murdered. It's like, oh, my life trajectory is going to be a dark one. I think it's psychologically very harmful. Yeah, it's very curious. It's a lot like, I don't want to say like the black experience. There's similarities where like I had said to a friend, I think this was around the time 12 Years a Slave had come out.

And I had said, I was like, I don't think I want to watch this. I don't think I need to watch another slave movie. I wish more joyful things were created for black people. And my friend, without irony, truly looked at me and said, well, if they don't keep making them, we'll forget about them. And I was like, I don't think I'll forget about it.

In the same way, I don't think trans people will forget that they're brutalized so much. I would love to see, which is why I appreciate the parts you play. Like in Simple Favor, there's no mention. It's your person who exists in that world. And I appreciate that. Well, thank you. It was one, like truly the one of, subtextually the most important character in that movie I play, like kind of the most pivotal character, even though I am on screen for one full second.

I will say that my character kind of drives the story and is kind of the backstory to drive the story. You are the backbone of that movie. But I just thought it was funny that like you got to pop in be funny and leave and we didn't it wasn't belabored it wasn't talked about it's like it is it's the main goal i think of my career and yeah i mean that idea of like it's like i don't need to watch this like the this isn't for me even though it's like, I don't need to watch this. Like, this isn't for me. Even though it's, like, about, like, what their perception of what I am is,

this, like, these movies and these TV shows they're making, I was like, this isn't for me. Like, I don't, I already, like, kind of, I get it, and I don't need to, like, re-experience it. And it's, like, representation, I think that is, like, one of the pitfalls of like the clunky overcorrection of like people scrambling to try and like okay well like we need to be more diverse and it's like if if the person who's like doing the green lighting at some like development

like like studio or someone who's in development at like a studio is like a well-to-do or well-meaning like older white guy who's like i see i see like trans women i've seen them uh before as like you know uh as sex workers and that's kind of it and then it's like so i'll green light a whole series just like only about that and it's like, so I'll green light a whole series just like only about that. And it's like, not all representation is great representation. And like, there are 100% trans women who are sex workers. That's like a real experience. And that has a lot to do with the way our society like boxes out and marginalizes trans people.

And like, does it like a lot of people don't have access or it's like still legal for them to get fired for being or not hired to for being trans so it's like those stories are valid but it's like getting to make other stories that are not defined by like other people's one-dimensional perceptions of who they think you are versus like what you actually want to do with your life and what your aspirations are outside of that it's like's like, that would be the dreams to make something that's like, not anything at all to do with it. And it's like, it's not even that it's like,

I want to play like cis characters or anything like that. It's like, I would love to just not have it be shoehorned. And so I've gotten the opportunity to do that a couple times. And that's been like the most rewarding thing because i didn't it honestly there was a point when i didn't feel like that would ever happen yeah it's uh it's very interesting that white privilege and like systemic racism truly trickles down via everything in our society i mean i think i've said this on the podcast a hundred times but but when I started writing scripts and auditioning for stuff and casting stuff,

I didn't know that if you didn't say not white, the default is to just see white people, because that is the default. That is the norm. And if you don't notate that in a script, the casting will not go out of their way and i don't want to say all casting but that's like kind of the norm they don't go out of their way to look for people of color or other marginalized people and that's just it's so fucking wild to me and that is such a like kind of more insidious that i i feel like i keep throwing around the word insidious but it is like it's a good word also a good horror series i've seen them all it's it seems like and i know this is an aside but i feel like it seems like that's a series that i would watch and while i'm watching it i'm like

this is so fucking corny and stupid haha look at their dumb asses and then when i go to sleep later that night i'm like it's in the room and i deserve to die for being a bitch when i watched it that's exactly what happened when i watched them okay wait i i was gonna ask which one is is your if i should i start watching them i personally really liked them i thought they were spooky ooky and i liked them uh i could not tell you what happens in any of them because i watched them in secession so yes secession secession yeah back to back that that checks out i did that with um i did that with fast and furious they're my favorite movies i fucking love them they're amazing they're really great movies i couldn't imagine having to direct like a car race scene

i have no idea i have no i would love to see the scripts because i'm like does this script say car flies into the sky ben diesel hangs on to a or no the rock hangs on to a helicopter car explodes like how does that written in the script well i i feel like anytime i've tried to write something in a script like that is like a some sort of like dialogue-less action sequence or there's just like a lot of action the notes i always get back are like this is too there's too much description happening here you need to and i'm like but then maybe this is literally like like there's no dialogue it's like the rock literally like on a tank that's flying off a bridge. And Michelle Rodriguez is just hanging on to a car or something. And it's like, how was that?

Was it just like, she on car, he fly, explode, he fall. Boom, boom, boom. And then they're just like, yeah, we'll figure it out in the storyboarding, I guess, or something. Honestly, maybe. boom and then they're just like yeah we'll figure it out on in the storyboarding i guess or something honestly maybe because that's a note i've gotten a lot where i'm like but nothing happened okay all right there's just no dialogue here it's been it's been a real like 180 experience like understanding or i guess coming to appreciate movies like that where i'm just like those movies are so watching them for the first time around being like these are really dumb and then being like oh these were probably so crazy to act and difficult to actually make it's kind of insane that they were able to like get this shot of like a car driving under a semi like bed a moving semi

truck like on the highway i took so sheer my friend to see the eighth one and she did oh no i went to i took her to see hobbs and shaw and she didn't want to see it and then during the movie was like going like oh because she talks a lot to movies and then after we left she was like that was fun as hell i was like yeah these movies are so much fun. It's like why? I mean, you can watch, like, I don't know. I'm not going to those movies to feel, like, connected to anything. I'm not trying to feel, like, human watching those movies. I want to, like, see someone, like, oiled up in, like, a tank top being, like, he's, or it's his it's his it's his time

he know what he knows what he did it's like that's what i did you did you see how long it took me to like come up with that line that's why i get noted so hard on my script i it took a while and i appreciate it that it was just so simple. That's like literally, that's, I'm like, yeah, my scripts get noted like crazy and literally the description is like, he is going to,

in the car and I think the car's red. I'm not, I haven't figured it out yet. No, let's just figure it out and post if the car, what color the car is.

No, I, yeah, I'm a, I'm an appreciator. I think more, especially like in lockdown, watching a ton of like,

watching a million movies and being like, oh, I guess that was probably like a crazy, a crazy like setup for them to get that shot or whatever. I like to think about crazy setups

and then when someone exits the scene, I'm like, they're probably standing behind a bookshelf right now or crouched down real low to stay out of the shot. Yeah, they're like waiting. And that makes me laugh so hard. Real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back. And we're back.

What were we talking about before we started talking about the Fast and the Furious movies? That casting people assume that people are white if it's not noted in the script. I mean, that's been like such, we were saying that it was insidious and then it went into. Ah, yes, that and then it went into ah yes that's i mean i think it is really like the most egregious part or like i guess genre for me with that as like fantasy and like sci-fi because it's like yes there's so many like sci-fi like

series and the fantasy series where everyone is white in a way that I'm like, this is the one genre where literally everything is made up. And like, it's like in, in like Star Wars, like one of the Star Wars movies, it's like Donnie Yen is in it. And he's literally, they're all aliens. They're all like out in outer space. And his character is like Donnie and he's Asian. So he's a Kung Fu monk in with, in space. I'm like, he could literally be like anything.

And it's like, he's Asian. So he's going to do Kung Fu. And I'm like, it's just like, I think too, like there's so much sci-fi movies about like aliens and stuff where it'll be like a shot of like a desert on an alien planet. And they're playing like throat singing or like Arab music.

Like that's alien. And I'm like, that's like. Yeah, it's fucking wild. I've been watching Lord of the Rings. There are zero black people in any of them. I just watched the first one there's literally in that franchise there are like 70 speaking roles and they're all like white english actors it's so wild to me i had that issue um doing sketch comedy like i was at a pretty white institution and people weren't writing for me on my sketch

team and i was like why we're playing dragons and made up shit like this isn't real life but also in real life there's black people doing things there's people there's tons of people doing shit and i like asked to get moved teams and was moved to a team where like I ran into the same thing. It was just, it's really, it was, it was very disheartening that even in like silly comedy sketches,

I had to, I had one line and I was never the lead of it. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's like it's people's imaginations are conditioned. So like in a way that they're just like oh i guess i guess not it's like literally like going through exercises in writers rooms where we're like okay so like

imagine like imagine a woman lawyer and it's like how do you pass her and it's like um i would think like naomi watts or like rachel weiss or like it's like just people rattling it's like, I would think like Naomi Watts or like Rachel Weisz. It's like just people rattling. It's just like such a, it feels like it would be like an easy fix to just be like, okay, it's this lady. She's kind of like part lizard. And she's from, she lives in the sun. But she, we're thinking, we're thinking. So she lives in the sun. So her skin is're thinking we're thinking so she lives in the sun so her skin is alabaster white florence pew kind of lived yeah when i think lizard that lives in the sun i think florence pew i think maybe like even kaya burger kaya gerber give her a shot at acting which is

cool oh this is a person i don't know k Kaya Gerber is Cindy Crawford's model daughter. Oh, how interesting. What's her name? Kaya Gerber. What? Is she heiress to the Gerber fortune? I don't know, but I'm just going to say yes. Okay, I like to know that.

I'm going to say it would be a miracle if she wasn't. I have a question. so in auditions rather earlier in my career actually it's happened a couple times as of recent but i've had casting directors be like be blacker be sassier is there code words when people are like can you act more trans i saw a sketch i think that was like you auditioning. Yeah. Yeah. Like a while ago.

That was really great. I mean, not necessarily in auditions. So I think the one thing I'll pride myself on, and it's a weird like nuanced thing because there are so few roles for written where like trans actors are seen if you're not like cis passing like if you can't if you don't just like look like you could play a cis woman then the options for you are dwindled down so much that it's like oh you can only you know really audition for certain parts but even in parts written for trans women they want like model-esque so it's like it's it's like the industry is deeply flawed of course um but like it's usually like in the script when i said the

when i brought up like the thing that i pride myself on i guess or the one thing i'm like proud of the about like sticking to my guns is that I've gotten a lot of like bad scripts for trans characters that I've said no to because they're like there's a part where it's like she's at the airport and the TSA's

giving her a hard time and she's like can I please get my ID back and they're like you're a dude and she lowers her voice and she says, I said, give me my ID back. And it's like, it's so fucking lame.

And it's just like, I, and it's all, it's never like if a trans person writes that and has like the agency to like, and they're telling their story. Great. and has like the agency to like, and they're telling their story great,

but it's never been trans writers writing that in the scripts that I've said no to. It's always been like a cis person being like, I'm gonna write a brave trans character. He kind of like, she's always talking about her cock and balls being itchy and it's unapologetic. And it's like, it's like when,

oh, when I said like the new, when I, I'm so scatterbrained i went when i said that like i brought up the nuance of it it's like there are so few roles that like trans actors get seen for that i don't fault like transgender actors for taking those roles or auditioning for those roles it's like get paid like get get job, get your foot in the door, honestly. And like the onus of responsibility is on these like people who are writing these shitty stories

to like do more research and like not write stories that aren't really for them. It's like if you wanna tell a story about someone who lives, has like a different lived experience and you buy demographic you need to like pay a consulting producer and like really like get authentic you know information from someone who has that lived experience and pay them for it and like not just guess. Not be like, oh, yeah, she's like, there's a whole scene where her, like, her tuck comes undone on the bus.

And she's worried because people can start to see how huge her dick is. And it's like, which actually, like, don't take that because I am right. I'm actually going to. That was an amazing idea. And I'm writing it into. Oh, OK. Because I had written it down. And I was like, well, I'm talking to you.

So obviously I can have it this is i am getting paid almost three and a half million dollars to do this podcast so very well it's really i mean i it's it's i'm not working after this i'm just going straight to meekanos and i'm gonna live there live off the rest of my life there. Oh, say hi to Lindsay Lohan for me. Yeah, I will. I will. She's still DJing, still. She's just incredible to think about. Poised to become a very, very big star. And she said, no, thank you.

I have other plans. I mean, I think I just feel so much, I guess, empathy for Disney child actor kids who get eviscerated. Like, it's like not only does the industry seem to eviscerate them, it's like it is an absolute miracle if any one of those, like, child actors come out with like any like perspective or they come away feeling like like their their sanity is like intact in some regard because it really feels like a lot of these child actors too have like crazy parents that like fuck them over too so it's like the industry is is evil fucks them over just destroys and scrambles their brain and then their parents are also like fucking like whacking off to how much money they're making off of like abusing

their child into this like psycho industry and it's like yeah that person has no chance in hell of like not being crazy yeah if you don't have anyone advocating for you it's very hard to succeed and like come out well adjusted i don't want to say all parents are bad and wild but like it takes like a specific person to be like i am dedicating my adult life to carting my kid around from audition to audition to sit on set and then to say yes someone can scream fuck in my kid's face that's okay or yes my kid can do this where it's like maybe i wouldn't allow my kid who wasn't an actor to do it it's very it's very curious i truly think that we've reached a point in technology where child acting should be illegal like if they can take if they can fucking take like michael douglas and like ant-man or

whatever and put so much like computer animation on his face he looks like 25 and it's like they can take a human body and shrink it down and then animate a kid's face onto an adult's face and just have them do the performance because they like i've watched like so many movies in lockdown where there's like really young kid actors and especially in like horror movies and stuff it's like it's like at that age i know you know that you're playing but it's like i got traumatized by watching tv when i was like a kid and i'm like i wonder if you're on set with like this giant fake monster that's like spewing blood and you're like a four year old kid who's supposed to be like crying.

It's like, that has to be like imprinting on you in some way. And I don't think it's more real than people realize. Yeah. I mean, there, there has to be like a forum for child stars to talk about like their onset trauma or whatever did you see the babadook i've never seen the babadook but i know that there's a person with

a white face and a top hat maybe i i think it's like an amazing amazing movie if you like insidious i think you should definitely watch the babadook it's like okay the kid the child actor in it is i think he was six when they shot the movie and he is like so incredible in it but i think it's it's the movie he's like screaming and crying the whole time and i'm like there's no way a kid is like. Not feeling the. Because they were like. He was an incredible improviser. And I was like. He's just actually crying.

I think. I think he's. As his like. He's getting like. Yanked around the room. It's like. I'm sure. He's actually just.

Crying. Oh boy. So. Again. An amazing film. I love to see a just gorgeous child improviser stunning improvising crying and drama that's so wild like i have you seen hereditary yeah that one was fucked up for me yeah and that girl like i don't know how she was when she shot it

spoiler if you haven't seen hereditary i'm gonna spoil it but when they were like all right stick your head out the window like this is what's gonna happen to it i feel like as a child i'd be like wait what i like i love the idea of them like in that shooting that movie and they actually like did it they like we're like okay we're gonna drive really fast and you're gonna stick your head out the window and then we're gonna donk it on a telephone pole and you might be okay you might not be and we're gonna use the footage either way the sag rep is like hey just checking in making sure you are comfortable with what's about to happen you're about to get in the car you're just kicking in i mean immediately as we're talking about this i'm like i'm gonna get change my career path and i'm gonna become

like a child rep on like sets and like make sure kids aren't experiencing real trauma i'm a trauma rep for children on sag sets i mean i don't think that's a bad idea i do think uh for like harder shit that kid should be like in the budget it it should be like, here's a therapist that you can talk to. Yeah. And you can talk about if this experience was good or not. It doesn't go back to the studio. This is truly for you. I think that would be a dream for kids.

I think kids would really like that. Hey, if you're a kid listening to Why Won't You Date Me, let me know. Let me know if that's something you like. It's like the LA the la cars for kids commercial it's like but it's the i guess not cars for kids it's like one eight seven seven trauma helping for the kids eight seven i whenever i hear that commercial i'm like who are these kids and why do they need cars i know we should not be putting kids in cars because you know what they're gonna do they're gonna fast and furious race they're gonna drive under trucks they're gonna drive off cliffs they're gonna jump out of the car they're gonna hang on to edges

it's gonna be too much they're gonna wear white tank tops and low-rise jeans i growing up had a huge crush on vin diesel and i would cut his bald head out of magazines. And I made a collage on my desk with him. Wow. The desk collage. Was it just like a glue stick? Or was it tape? It was tape.

My mother would have murdered me. Just murdered me if I had taped stuff to her brushed white wood furniture set she had gotten me. That is so anchoring. The first sex dream I ever had was about Vin Diesel. Really? Yeah. I used to talk about it on stage talked about it on stage like two different times and it always like the audience is like dead silent I'm telling it because I think it's funny

but they're like so uncomfortable at the idea because I was like I think it was like seven or eight maybe it was like when Fast and Furious like had come out because that was the first movie I saw with him in it and it was like so I was a child and I had this dream that I was having dinner with like my mom and my older sister. And then Vin Diesel like walked in my sister's house and he was like, I'm ready to pick you up. And my family was like, yay, have fun. And then we go into my mom's van in the driveway

and we both take off all our clothes. And I don't know what sex is at all. Like I have no perception of what sex is. So it was just like kissing and like kissing and like licking my face. He's like licking my face. Like that was like what I thought was like sexy. Honestly. As a seven year old was like just someone licking my forehead.

I would let him do it i would let 100 let him lick my forehead there is a vin diesel short film i cannot remember the name of it but it is african-american i think is what it's called african-american it is i still believe still on youtube it is a short film that he made about not being black enough. And he does this monologue in it. And if memory serves me correct, because I saw it like years and years ago with my friend Tessie, because she's that then I think is her like celebrity past with her husband. But I remember it being not good, but also incredibly good. So I think you should watch it. Wow. And wait, so what's the criteria for that specific judgment?

I don't know. So, okay, it's like a pretty decent story. He goes into an audition and... Oh, I can't remember the beginning of it. I need to rewatch it. But I think the criteria is the words aren't great, the performance is pretty good.

But that together, elevating the material, I think, makes it bad and good at the same time. Yeah. I mean, that truly is like, I'm pointing at you. I don't know why I'm pointing at you. Like, that truly is. I think about, like, movies like these big franchises that have some of the worst dialogue of all time in them. And like Pretty Little Liars or these shows, these teen shows, Fast and Furious,

these actors have to say some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. And it only hit me in the last few years where I was like, that is kind of a feat. If you can like- It's a huge talent. Deliver those lines and like make it believable when it's like literally like a 31 year old woman being like, mom is not going to like

that I wasn't waiting outside for her after volleyball practice. It's like, it's like if you can sell that like you're an amazing actor great job there is moments of magic mike where i think channing tatum is a great actor he's a good actor he works a lot but there's a couple of chunks of dialogue where i'm like that was the best best take? This can't be. I haven't seen it. I get that from him.

Magic Mike is a very fun ride. It has like an indie feel, but there's a very big budget. And what is his name? All right, all right. What is his name? Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey is very good in it. I thoroughly liked it. Magic Mike 2 was an unnecessary movie I was deeply disappointed because I just it didn't it didn't feel like the heart was there

like in the first one I felt like it was Channing's passion project also I don't know any of these things I'm really philosophizing how I felt about Magic Mike I mean mean, it, it, all of that, as someone who has not seen any of it, that sounds like it's true. Ooh, I have a question. To go back to dating real quick, are there trans dating sites or no? I think, I don't, I mean, I think there are.

I don't use them. I haven't, like them i haven't like i haven't so i started estrogen taking like hormone replacement um a couple of weeks ago and it has really like uh made me a lot less horny like i was frustratingly horny like all through lockdown like in like super depressed and like very just kind of like angry and sad so it was like being horny all the time i think exacerbated those feelings because it reminded me that i didn't have anybody um to like raw dog with me um and so since i've like started hormone replacement i'm like a lot mellower and i haven't been really using the apps so i because i'm like just not thinking about it as much i still feel like lonely and stuff but i'm also just like i am so kind of like and this is this is not like a dick thing and you end up i'm at half mass emotionally and energy

so i um i just don't feel like i have the ability right now to offer someone kind of like the fun flirty side of me that i would if i was like first starting to try and like date other people and like I right now I'm like I don't think I can be like chipper and exciting to like meet a new enough to meet a new person uh so I'm kind of finding peace in not exploring more dating apps at least for right now i definitely like you know i'm tired of i was going on a lot of dates pre-lockdown and i've been on like a couple of social distance dates in lockdown how were they um i did like i've done like a couple of zoom dates and then i went on a couple of walks and it's just like feels it just feels weird because it's like i am i haven't eaten out yet i haven't like eaten on a patio of a restaurant yet i don't feel comfortable enough to do that

at right now i i like order a lot of food but i it was it was weird and it wasn't like ideal it feels like especially if you're walking you're not really facing each other and like in my neighborhood there's not really like there's a park but there's not like a ton of places to sit and it's also like it's like we're in the middle of a heat wave and it's like there's the fires so the smoke in la is so fucked up it's like a really bad time to be outside and inside so just like not i'm not ideal and i'm just like not i don't think having a mask on is hard too because you're like trying to emote and be flirty and it's like you have to be like i'm smiling under this mask big horny boy i'm licking my lips under this mask big sexy mister it's like a nightmare yeah it sounds bad but i think i want to do an in-person date soonish i think that's what i'm like gearing up

to because i'm so horny. Although I did open this episode by saying I fell asleep with a vibrator on me. I think I'm just love a situation where I could find someone who like, I know is being safe. Who's like, you know, getting tested when they need to. And,

um, isn't seeing a bunch of other people and that I can trust. And then we can raw dog, raw dog. I'm, I'm being, I'm joking, you know,

use reduction, use reduction no you mean reduction raw dogs raw dogs raw hot dogs just eating a ton of raw hot dogs together um i've always been like you have to get tested before we hang out because it's like meeting new people's hard because it's like people lie people will lie on apps to like fuck and that sucks and you never even there's people that are like good liars and like sociopaths so it's like uh i've just been like pretty thorough about it and i have like i think it's possible to communicate like i would love to like be able to hook up with someone like not just like you know going like a date and never touch someone again because I've had a couple of people like that or like earlier in lockdown that I was like talking to that from like hinge or whatever on

dating apps and it was just like very quick to like fizzle out because you're not it's like I don't want to do like sexting really i'm not super into that yeah sexting i think is depressing yeah like sexting and video stuff and then just like knowing people who have gotten like their photos and stuff like put online and i'm like it's not worth the risk to me also i don't like getting dressed up to go to my living room i don't want to get dressed up to video chat someone i want to get dressed up get in my car and go somewhere if you're gonna get dressed up it's to have like some guy teared off with his boner right that's all i want someone's boner to rip my shirt off and rip my pants down they've got like a box cutter for a boner and it's like slicing your clothes off will

that hurt me well patty we've come to the end and i asked this question i truly i just interviewed mitra before you and i forgot to ask her this so i'm gonna make her answer in a voice note but uh i usually ask people this oh would you date me um i i'm not gay but i would date you if i was into women hey i'll take it yes that's where i'm at right now i'll take it um do you have anything you want to promote uh uh um the i want to promote the the healthy and respectful treatment of child actors on the sets of film and television productions. Honestly, I really like that.

I think that's a great thing to promote. I think that's wonderful. Well, if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. I've been seeing itunes for the last two years and it was just brought to my attention that it's apple podcasts and oh everyone thinks it's itunes it doesn't matter if apple podcasts correct everyone thinks it's itunes don't let people shame you into a corner how do you. Yeah, leave me a review on iTunes. And if you DM me,

send me something nasty, I will read it. So this person said, Nicole, love the podcast. Here's a nasty for you. I want to empty a can of whipped cream into your puss

and put a cherry on top before I eat you out like a chocolate cream puff. Oh, thank you so much. You made it in. What? What? What? Thank you so much. You made it in. What? What? What?

Oh my God. My favorite part about reading these is watching my guest's face change. You got so upset. Okay, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.