Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Unpacking Nicole's Fear of Relationships (w/ Jess Rona)

Episode Date: February 21, 2020

"Once both people like each other, the games are over."Close friend and dog groomer Jess Rona (Author of Groomed) has a heart-to-heart with Nicole to unpack her fears of being in a relationship. They also read some crazy dating app messages from men, discuss the benefits of couple's therapy, and how to talk to kids. Plus, Nicole's trying to match with Channing Tatum on Raya.Need more Nicole Byer? Check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus will be watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Wow, wow, wow! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even if you fill up a balloon with cum and tell me to eat the cum out.

I don't know. That one was bad. Anyway, my guest today has a book called Groomed, and she's really wonderful, and she grooms my dogs. It's Jess Rona. I want to queue up like a thing where I have like audience clapping on my phone. Honestly, that would be a real treat. I think so. Audience clapping.

I think I have it somewhere. Whenever you say a definitive statement. Whenever anybody introduces me. Just like a round of applause from a crowd. That would make me happy. Are you opening a physical shop? Yeah, I am. This is so exciting.

It's crazy. I think I saw that on Instagram. Yeah. Where is it located? It's going to be in Larchmont. Ooh. Fancy schmance. Truly.

Yeah. That is fancy. What a treat. I'm so excited. It's going to be so cool. When does it open? Hopefully, I'm just saying in spring. Oh, okay.

Because that way I don't have like a real date. Fair. But I've been grooming out of my garage for five years. And it's just the business grew out of the garage like two years ago. I was like. You're the Bill Gates of dog grooming. The Bill Gates. Because I think he created Microsoft in a garage that's true so did Dyson oh really like there's so many big companies that started

off in the garage means you're gonna be a mogul you're gonna be a dog grooming mogul I can't wait for it. I want to be. Also, I just love what you do with dog's tails. Thank you. Jess uses temporary dye and you get a signature ombre. I do permanent and temporary. Oh, I didn't know you did permanent. I think we've only done temporary on your kids. Yes, because John thinks it makes Charlie look too feminine. And I'm like, he's a dog.

Who cares? Yeah. And also temporary dye, it does the same thing. It just doesn't last as long. But I think we could do permanent. But what I could do is like a pastel-y kind of color so that it fades really quickly. And then you can make John happy. But I want Charlie to have like a striking

like deep deep purple tail or something don't tempt me i actually just want to dye all of charlie we could no i feel like just the tail if he was all white it would be easier but sometimes if the dogs aren't pure white it just the color mixes with their natural color and it doesn't come out as vibrant well Clyde's isn't vibrant because he's brown but he has white in his tail or like a lighter brown he also has white on his chest and I was like maybe I'm so in he gets a purple chest you know I want to do it and you know I would do it for me more than you I need to bring them in because They're stinky? Not stinky because I washed Clyde the other week with human shampoo

which maybe was not good. Not good. It's not great because dogs have a different pH than humans. What happened? Did he get itchy? A little.

Yeah, and it's also human shampoo is usually pretty fragrant and dogs have sensitive noses. I'm not trying to guilt you. No, no. All I'm trying to do is get you to come over. No. Bad dog mummy.

Bad mummy. Bad mummy. No. How did you get into dog grooming? I got into it just kind of by chance. My mom used to buy cat food at PetSmart. Mm-hmm. And I grew up in the valley in LA.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. In Reseda, deep in Reseda. I know. That's where I buy wigs. Wigs? There's a wig shop in Reseda. Oh, is it massive? I want to go. Well, okay. So she would have to go to PetSmart because they had this special kind of brand of cat food that her cats would eat. So I went along with her. I was about 17, 18. And there was a help wanted sign. And there was all these different jobs on the application, like you can work with aquatics or birds or cashier. And then it said dog bather. And I was like, well, this is the least nine to five sounding job ever. And I didn't have a dog growing up. I didn't know anything about dogs. So I just started learning how to wash them when five sounding job ever. And I didn't have a dog growing up. I didn't know anything about dogs.

So I just started learning how to wash them when I was a kid. And then I organically slowly started learning like how to clip nails and how to trim pads and what's a schnauzer cut. What is trimming pads? You know, their feet when they get fuzzy feet underneath. Those are their pads. Yeah, right. That was my reaction and she just looked at me like can't get to work but um yeah I just I just slowly learned and then I've always been an actor and a comedian and wanted to do that so I I was like never fully

committing to to learning to groom dogs. I waited tables. It was like my dream to just wait tables, big dreams, so I could have my days free to audition and that kind of thing. I moved to New York and I stopped grooming dogs altogether. And that's when I started doing UCB. And I just waited tables, did UCB. And then I was like, you know what? After six years, I don't really want to wait tables anymore. I kind of had always kind of groomed dogs on the side just like as like a day job, a couple of like a part time day job. And it was just this thing I knew how to do. And so I was like, I want to get really good at dog grooming and improv.

And that's what I just immersed myself in both of those worlds. I love it. Where did you wait tables in New York? The Stanton Social. Do you know it? It's in the lower. Well, it was in the Lower East Side. It's gone. Yeah. I waited tables at a place called Purnima on 54th between 8th and Broadway. And what kind of food was it? Indian food mixed with American food. Did you stink after you worked there all day? Like curry? Maybe, but I never noticed. Okay. I don't think I have a good sense of smell. Really? I don't know what my smell is. Well, I don't know if anybody knows what their own smell is, but like I

could just picture, you know, if you're like in the essence of curry for six hours, you're just going to smell like it. Maybe, maybe. But then I worked, so I didn't work on the Indian side. Okay, this place is wild. So there was one side that was Indian restaurant, one side that was an Irish bar, and then a back room that was a cabaret room. So I worked in the cabaret room.

It was bananas. It's featured, I think it's season one, episode two of Kitchen Nightmares, where my old roommate Jen is featured and she's just confused the whole time. She's like, I don't know what's going on. Yeah, and neither did the person who opened the place

didn't have any focus probably. Zero focus. Also, it was the dirtiest restaurant I've ever worked in. I also worked at a place called Chat and Chew, which was less sturdy. And I had a manager named Booba.

He was this big, big, big man, just like round. And I remember at one point he was like, Nicole, where are you going to eat for your shift meal? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Maybe. And then I started like listing things. He was like, you ever think about just drinking some water? And I was like, how rude. I was like, you ever think about just drinking some water? And I was like, how rude. I was like, you're also fat, too.

You can't shame me for being fat while you're fucking fat. Isn't that amazing, the things we remember? It's such a specific thing that he probably went on with his life and didn't think anything. And that fucking stung you. And you're like, you know what? Fuck you. Oh, God. Now I'm heated. I mean. No i mean no but like yeah it's crazy

the weird dude so you and your husband eric have been together he literally just did the podcast how long have you guys been together we've been together for a little over eight years i can't believe it this is the longest relationship i've ever had really yeah maybe it'll be the last relationship you have. I hope so. So eight years, which means you didn't have to do the apps. No, I didn't. That is such a dream.

Oh, man. Yeah, dude. They're bad. Yeah. I, my friend, I have a single friend and I was like, let me look. Cause she's like, doesn't have the best picker. And she always picks idiots. And I'm like, give me this fucking phone.

And I was just looking and I'm, I was exhausted after like 12 minutes. It truly is like having a second job. Like you have to like comb through these fucking dummies you gotta talk to them i matched so i'm on hinge i really like hinge why do you like hinge over like are you are you like a raya person i am on raya i got off of raya i'm back on raya because channing tatum's on Riot. Really? He is beautiful. It's so hard to mess with Channing Tatum. He is so beautiful. We're never going to match.

But like, I was like, He is just heavenly beautiful. What if, I'll take it. I'll take the chance. I have yet to see him on Riot. But,

this guy, so I like Hinge because, honestly, they're the, like, I've only met nice, normal people from Hinge. Really?

Yes. Okay. I have not met any crazy people yet, but I match with a crazy person. He sent me a message that said, so I said my childhood crush is Captain Picard from Star Trek. And he wrote a message, like he liked it and then wrote a message about it. And it said, make it so. Oh, shit.

That's a little aggressive. Engage. Shit, that's worse. Earl Grey tea. Hot. Okay, that's safe. Wait, what did I just send? So I wrote back.

No. No, wait, hold on. Why did you write back to that? Because I said, this is literally an insane message. And he said, swing for the fences, I guess. Can't survive in L.A. without trying to stand out. I hate him. Okay, wait.

Why are you wasting your precious time? I just want to figure out what's wrong with him. Oh, I did that recently when like a spam call was like, ma'am, you are up for your, you know, re-up on your subscription, blah, blah, blah. I was like, ma'am, you are up for your, you know, re-up on your subscription, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, what are you selling me?

I don't, you have my, and I was just, I took some nice time to like talk to this person and Eric was like, hang up the phone. But I get it.

Sometimes you need to do it. So I said, okay, fair. And then he said, I can't imagine how many mundane messages you must have to ignore. I'll consider it a win

that I got a response to something that clearly has 0% success rate anywhere else. But he didn't write zero. He wrote like a literal O. I hate him. And I said, yeah, I guess it's a good strategy. And he said, if you can believe, I'm very green to this world of matching apps. So I have little to no idea of the etiquette beyond what my younger friends have told me. And honestly, their strategies seem a little aggro for my current speed.

How old is he? Hold on. Let's see. He is 35. Not that old. Oh, man. So I was like, gotta know what these strategies are. So I said, what are the other strategies?

And then he said, mostly a lot of bro phrases, bad pickup lines, and the ever so useful, hey, I've learned to not ask people with kids about their kids through these apps and incompetent sentences or broken english equals bots so many profiles say they're just looking for an honest guy but when you tell them you're freshly separated from someone who left you they tend to disappear not because of lack of honesty no because of honesty nobody needs to know all of that upon meeting you.

So who knows? Maybe I should join the rest of the crowd that refers to the Ferris X as slot machines. So I said, slot machines is one I have never heard. He goes,

keep swiping until the slot opens up, I believe is the saying. I said, oh, wow. And he said, not my line to take credit for,

but the way I used to watch guys incessantly swiping when I was working on productions, whenever they'd get to a new town, I could easily see how it was an analog for them. So this man. Now, I just feel sorry for him. Crazy. Yeah.

And then also, he's not. I don't think he listens to the pod. I don't know. He's not like the most attractive person for me. He's not attractive to me. And he seems to not like people most attractive person for me he's not attractive to me uh and he seems to not like people who do well on dating apps he seems to like have some trauma or something that he's just like telling me and i'm like i don't need to know any of this okay i'm gonna

read you another conversation i had with somebody because this one made me laugh so i have a picture of me holding a giant dildo because I'm fun. I want to see this picture. Okay, I'll show you. Hold on. He commented on the picture and said, nice, is that what you like? So I said, yes. Tear me apart, daddy. Because I wasn't interested in him.

I just looked him like... And he said gladly. I said, oh yeah, daddy? Would you rip apart my gaping sloppy hole with your big hunkering monster cock would you then feed me cookies after to make me feel better about being torn apart daddy and he said yes as you wish i said well what kind of cookies he said oatmeal raisin i said ew that's what you say ew about he just wrote oh my god so that's that

this is just entertaining for you at this point for the most part you're just like fuck this I want to play sometimes yes it is fully entertaining when I'm like oh I have no interest in ever meeting up with you and I'm sure he had a good laugh, you know?

I hope so. Oh, I hate it. I hate that too. So what happens when you match with someone or talk to someone that you actually do like? Oh, then I like, I'll go out with them. You don't talk about sloppy slots or anything like that? Sure, sure, sure.

People keep telling me, they're like, maybe you should take down that giant dick picture. But I leave it up because hopefully you'll giggle about it, one. Two, if you can just message me and not acknowledge it,

then I'm like, okay. I feel like you're on the same wavelength as me. Or you can be like, this is funny. And then we can move on. But if you're overtly sexual in the beginning, then I'm like, I probably won't. So can move on but like if you're like overtly sexual in the beginning then I'm like I probably won't so it's kind of like you're protecting yourself you're it's like a filter it's like the person who can respond the way I want based on this

block I'm giving it's like a test I feel like that's what it is I think so I think that's a very good way to uh to describe what I'm doing yes um but yeah i try to not message for a very long time and i've stopped asking people out i if you want to go out with me you have to ask me yeah because i've learned i like chasing people and that's not working. So I'm going to see you want to start off by having them pursue you. And then I guess when I decide I actually like somebody, I'll be like, OK, I like you. Yeah. What if both people like each other? The games are over.

Yes. I I just dated the worst guys before Eric. Really? And I would chase them. I was just, they were the comedy guys that were just like, you know them. You actually know them.

But like, I would just, just do anything to be near them and just a puppy dog. And they treated me like shit. So I had big walls up when I met Eric and I shot him down for a few years. But then I was like, then he started treating me kind of like shit a little bit. I was like, oh my God. Anyway, that's like a whole other story. But like, yeah, I used to, I mean, chase the guys that were just the shitheads that really wanted nothing to do with me.

Yeah. But I feel like i listened to your podcast i'm such a fan of yours because you have this ability to be so beautifully honest and vulnerable um but it's so on your terms like it's i you're ready to be vulnerable within like a boundary of comfort yes but it still gives your audience and fans like a glimpse of comfort. Yes. But it still gives your audience and fans like a glimpse into like your truth. And it's really beautiful. I just worry that you're, you have like this with dating.

I'm like pushing and pulling. You're like, and I worry about your, I'm like such a fan of your podcast that I'm like listening to this. And I'm like, well, if you have these beliefs about men and you're so scared of it but you want it so bad I just want it so badly for you but it's just such a push and pull with it you know yeah did I get too serious no I don't I mean um I do think I I've realized a

couple of things recently like I realized uh I like chasing people I didn't realize that that was like a thing I was actively doing and then like kind of pushing away people who would chase me um I also realized I think I have an actual fear of being in a relationship because I don't know who I am in a relationship because I've never been in one. Is that the real fear? I think so because anyone I've dated or will date has probably statistically been in a relationship. So they know what they're like in a relationship. So then when I finally get into one, I'll be with someone who's been in a relationship, knows what they're like in one, and I'll be like, I'm like an adolescent, if you will,

you know, because I don't have that experience. Wow. What an interesting thing to get stuck in your head about. Like, just know, like, you're with me a certain way and you're with your best friend a certain way. So you're different with everybody. So when two people connect for the first time and like they're in a relationship, they're just they're a new version of themselves. So no one knows what they're going to be like with you. You know what I mean? Yes.

Like I'm with, yeah, I'm different with everybody depending on who the friend is. So I don't know. I have other theories about you. What are your other theories? This is me just based on like a little information that I have. I feel like obviously this is like a hook in your anxious mind. That's like, well, they this is like a nice, comfortable, makes sense reason to be afraid and push a relationship away.

But you say you want to like be cozy and just watch Netflix and not, you know, talk too much and just how was your day? Call you from the road like that kind of thing. You just want like an easy, loving relationship. That's not, it doesn't have a lot of pressure. Yes. But I feel like you're, you also are so afraid that someone's going to leave. Yes. So the, if you, if you're driven from fear, it's just a mess. I want you to like, you're so loving and vulnerable and beautiful. Your soul is so beautiful. I know. Well, I mean, this is just, you know, we don't hang out that much, but I just know you from knowing you. But like, it's such a gift that it would be any person's honor to have that as a gift.

And if you lead from love and not lead from fear, just tap it. Just practice. If you notice the fear brain coming in. I have a lot of anxiety and I've worked through it and I'm like completely a different human than I used to be. But I named my anxiety Abby. No offense to anybody named Abby. It just starts with an A someone named Abby is listening they're like fuck you Jess fuck I'm bad no but like if you compartmentalize the voice and

don't identify as the voice if you just know that that's your Abby or your critic or whatever and you know that that's not who you are it's the fear of like well they've been in a relation this is like a story you're telling yourself to protect, they've been in a relationship. This is like a story you're telling yourself to protect yourself. They've been in a relationship, so they know who they are in a relationship. And I haven't. So I'm an adolescent in this. And it's just like a story you're telling yourself to protect you. I just I just would love to see you lead with love and just you got to leap. You got to leap and let the net find you or you the net will appear. You got to leap and let the net find you or the net will appear. Leap and the net will appear.

You do it in your career. Yes, because. You're so out there. Well, in my career. And you're fearless in a way. I have control. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Do you?

Yes. Okay. Does anybody? I think in your career you do. Okay. So like if I say I have a bad pilot season, I can then choose to go on the road and like really build up my standup. Or I don't get this one thing.

I can always do something else. Like I can direct a movie or I can do a short or I can, there's like ways I can do things. So there's several open doors to you. Okay. And then, but then in a relationship, you date somebody. I can't force you to like me.

But that relationship could be the bad pilot. And then you can go to another relationship and that could be the movie you're directing. And then you go to another. I don't know. Am I an asshole? You're like, fuck off. You're married. No, I just it's like one of the because I am a very passionate person and then when I decide I

like somebody like I like you and I want you to like me as much as I like you but I find myself in these things where I like the person more than they like me and then I also don't even like I I don't know when things are supposed to happen like when am I supposed to be like can you stop dating other people because I only want you to date me or I don't know this I know friend it's I hate it I don't know it and then you know when you come on too strong, like you scare somebody away. Yes. I wish relationships, there was like rules, you know, airports have rules. You have to go through TSA. You have to go to a gate. You have to wait till your zone is called and you get on a plane.

Why can't we have those rules in relationships? Yeah, I know. Well, it's because everybody's so layered. Yes, everyone is. What does Shrek say? He's an onion. Yeah. I love Shrek.

I just, man, yeah. And everybody has their own thing. But like when you know, when it's right, it just fits and it's not hard. It's not a struggle. It's not, you're not pushing a boulder up a mountain, you know. It's just easy when it's right for both sides up a mountain, you know, it's just easy when it's right for both sides. It just, you don't have to try so hard.

With my relationship though, it wasn't easy in the beginning, but we kind of figured it out. Intimacy and relationships are so sloppy. So many relationships don't survive because intimacy is so hard. If we didn't have couples therapy, I would not be with him at all. We would not be together. I love that you guys go to couples therapy. Oh, yeah.

I think more people should talk about it and go. Totally. And not wait until there's an issue in the relationship. Like not wait till your relationship is fractured to try to like fix it. Yes. It's like we have trouble communicating, so we should figure out why we have trouble

communicating. Yeah. And my therapist said that every single relationship has a big, unmovable boulder in it. Everybody has a thing that neither person will budge on. The only the main thing that will keep any couple together is if two people want to stay together. That's the only thing that will you can withstand literally anything. If both people want to stay together. That's the only thing that will, you can withstand literally anything. If both people want to stay together, they will. But like, yeah, we, if we didn't go, we, we've gone through so many ups and downs and every relationship does. Nobody has a great relationship, but some people, Eric's whole thing was, I don't think he'll mind me talking about this, but for the first year,

I was just going to this therapist by myself and she was just changing my life. And I loved her. And she's like a mental chiropractor that like clicks you into place and gives you like a nice perspective. And you're like, oh, maybe I am OK. But then he was like, no, if I go, then she's just going to tell me how how things how fucked up I'm being. He said this on the podcast. He did? Oh, really? Okay, good. Yeah.

And so finally he was like, fine, I'll go. And now like he goes without me. We go together. It's like he's a new man. But yeah, it took about a year for him to come around. But man, if he didn't, we very much would not be together. I also would love to date somebody who's in therapy because it's like, if I'm going to do the work on myself,

I would like you to do the work on yourself. That is so good. And I know like a lot of people are like, I can't afford therapy. And I do talk about it a lot, but like, I'll say it again. There's sliding scale therapy.

If there's a will, there's a way. Um, yeah, they like look at your check and then they, you like someone just messaged me the other day and was like, thank you for talking about sliding scale therapy. I found one close to my house. They looked at my checks or whatever, and I paid $30 a session. So, like, if you can, you know, maybe you don't do one thing to pay for therapy.

$30 to some people is a lot of money. But, like, you just have to like give and take and is like, is your mental health worth it? That's what you have to look at. It's like, what kind of quality of life do you want? Yeah, I'm such a believer in therapy. I just, I like it so much. Sometimes people are like, yeah,

but like why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't know me? And I was like, because they have an unobjective, like they have nothing invested in you. No bias. Yeah. No bias. They don't know anything. They know what you tell them.

Yeah. So also, you got to be honest. Totally. I went to one therapist and I was not honest. Oh, I think we've all been there. She tried to hypnotize me and I said I was hypnotized. No. Really? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. And she like didn't realize I wasn't. I was like, maybe you were bad. That's like faking an orgasm. I know. Oh, my God. I don't think I've ever faked an orgasm. I never have.

I never have. Yeah, I don't. But like, but maybe someone has thought I've had an orgasm because I enjoy sex. Yeah. So like, I'll make noises even I'm like, even if I haven't come or I'm not going to come. no because I can't just say yes if you didn't so do you so you you don't want to have just like hookups with guys anymore you want to hold off I do get real horny uh so like yeah but then like right after and then you go home or whatever it's just like that feeling for me i just if especially if there's like if it wasn't that great and it's like what what's the point oh i ordered that vibrator you talked about with kate spencer tracy's dog no oh wait which one the womanizer the womanizer i just got i i went did you enjoy? I haven't gotten it in the mail yet, and it said it comes in a discreet package.

I think you'll enjoy it. Okay. Because I like that one. My new favorite one is this thing called Tracy's Dog. Okay. Where it's the Womanizer, which is a clitoral sucker, and then it has a G-spot little dude. That's crazy. And they both vibrate, and I fell out of my bed.

Yeah, so who even needs to have shitty sex with a random person? You are correct but sometimes it's nice to have the weight of somebody on you. Oh yeah. Then I was like maybe I'll just get like a heated weighted blanket. Heated and weighted? That's a thing. And just pretend. Try it.

Yeah I mean I don't want to just hook up with people anymore. I would like to connect with someone on, I guess, a spiritual level. Yeah. I don't know. I just want to, like, be with somebody that I enjoy being around. Yeah, I feel like you have a lot of clarity on who you're looking for.

I think so. But the universe is like, okay, so we know that you want this person, but you can't push him away. Yeah. Yes. Sorry. I listened to your podcast. I know. We don't have to get too deep.

We can talk about other things. No, it's fine. I truly do. I know I push people away because I do get scared that they'll go away I was like dating this dude this was a while ago and I was like so excited and I really really liked him

and then we decided that we were like dating each other and then he went away and I was so sad for so long and the relationship wasn't even that long and my therapist was like no matter how she's like the relationship could have been 20 minutes you're allowed to mourn it because it happened like it was an experience you thought it was like gonna be good and then it wasn't

and you're allowed to be sad for as long as you want to be sad and I was sad for so long can I ask you a question yes do you believe in the law of attraction? I don't know. What is that? So I've been reading a lot about it lately. There's an author called Abraham Hicks. And it's just about whatever your thoughts, whatever thoughts you're thinking create an emotion within you. And that emotion is your frequency and your vibration and like what

you're putting out there and the universe gives you that. So I, that's like the most basic way of explaining it. Cause like I'm new to it, but I do wonder if, if your narrative is I'm afraid and I'm focused on this thing, I wonder if you're kind of creating it in someone else. thing, I wonder if you're kind of creating it in someone else. Have you ever heard of the Pygmalion effect? Yeah. So it's like when you believe something about someone, you create it in them. Oh. I could be getting that wrong, but it's like, there was like some thing where these lab rats were being tested by these scientists. And some of them had their part of their, this was back in the 60s, but part of like their brain removed or something. And like they were given these tests.

And then some just had it look like they had surgery. They just had like a little scar on their head. But by the scientists' beliefs, the rats that they were testing that didn't have the surgery, because they believed it, that the rats were actually doing the thing that they thought they were supposed to do because of a surgery. Or like these professors were told, this group of students has this learning disability or whatever, and this doesn't. And because of the professor's beliefs about the people, they created that in the students. It's like, that's

called the Pygmalion effect. I'm just like reading this book on leadership and it talks about it, but I don't know if it's like something that you're like, this is a thing that's so big in my psyche that it's like the universe is giving this thing to you that you're focused on, regardless of if you tell the universe, I't want this the universe doesn't respond to words it only responds to your energy and like what you're focused on so if you're focused on something like I wonder if it's like you're making it a thing maybe I don't know too hippy dippy should I take on not too hippy dippy I do this insane thing where when I am dating somebody and I text them and they take too long to text me back, I text the sheer and I go, they haven't texted me back. And she goes, calm down. They will.

And then they do. I really do believe that you're about to meet someone that's going to get cut through the shit and he's just going to stay. I really believe that this person is right around the corner. Okay. I really do. And he's going to know your shit. Like I told Eric, I'm like, when I'm in a mood, just laugh at me because I know I'm in a mood and I'm being an idiot. He calls me mouthy. He calls me a goddamn shrew. I think it's hilarious. He's like, you're being a goddamn shrew. And I'm like, I He's like, you're being a goddamn shrew. And I'm like, I know. Like, here we are.

And it's just funny when you can laugh at it. So I think the guy that you're going to meet is someone who has the biggest sense of humor and will just call you a goddamn shrew and just be like, stop pushing me away. I'm here. I ain't going nowhere. So that's the kind of person that I think that you're going to create and like manifest. I just want you to like really release the fear when he comes. Text me.

Okay. And I'll say he's going to, he's going to stay. Okay. We have to take a break. And we're back. It's like, what just happened? Well, we had to take an ad break. Oh, God, those ads.

I'm going to buy all that stuff. A quip? I don't know if that's going to be on this episode, but I love my quip. Do you? Do I need one? I genuinely love this toothbrush. Really? Okay.

Sold. Well, that was easy easy do you have a code probably dating okay yes marissa okay okay um am i getting too preachy no you're not getting preachy um i think it's i have been working so i haven't gone to therapy in like three weeks uh and i don't like phone sessions because i can't see her face uh so it is nice to hear that because that is something that mary tells me what that i create narratives in my brain no she's wow yes she's like uh and she tells me all the time that feelings are not facts and that I have to stop filling in the blanks on things. So it is something that I am working on.

So it is something nice to hear. Whoa. To just remind myself that I truly like if someone doesn't like text me back or or if I'm like, do you want to hang out on Sunday or Saturday? They're like, Oh, I have to work Saturday. And I'm like, Oh,

so you're going to like, she's going to bitch off to work. And it's like, what? Is that what she means by filling in the blanks? Okay. Wow. Cause it's like someone tells me something and I won't just take it.

I'll go, Oh, Because it's like someone tells me something and I won't just take it. I'll go, oh, you're saying this because of this other thing that I don't know about that I'm just going to make up about you. And I'm going to think about this thing I've made up. Yeah. Or like if I think someone's mad at me and I finally go, are you mad at me? And they're like, no, what are you talking about? I'm like, oh, my God, I had this whole thing in my brain that you were mad at me and I finally go are you mad at me and they're like no what are you talking about I'm

like oh my god I had this whole thing in my brain that you were mad at me and you're not the only one that does that I know a lot of people do is it do you consider it to be a truth when you're in the moment of like they're mad at me do you really believe that they are do you know it's like this is how it is so wow okay because I'm wondering if there's a way that you can be like, oh, that's Abby or whatever the name is. If you could just be like, let me question this. Is this true? How do I know for a fact that this is true? Sometimes I will take a step back and be like, you're being a crazy person and you have to just calm down.

Yeah. So then I just like try to take a moment and do that. But you're not being a crazy person. It's not you. It's that thing, that voice, that's the ego that's protecting you. All it's doing is trying to protect you. But it's not you.

I wouldn't jump to judging yourself because we all have it. That's what Mary says. Well, it's just yours is just a big, loud, booming voice. And I don't think everybody's is that overbearing, but I wonder if you can strengthen the higher self within you and really listen to that voice because man, I hear it. I hear your higher self. I see it with all the beautiful things you're doing. And it's just, I want to know what she believes

and what she has to say and not this critic voice that's like overpowering you. I mean, it's so weird because I only really get in my own way with personal relationships. Like my career, you know, you're doing things for the multitude. So it's like if some people don't like it, whatever. There's other people who do.

But in a personal relationship, when one that person that you want to like you doesn't like you back. It is so personal and it's devastating. Thank God you're not like that in your career. Oh, because I'm like that in my career. Are you? Yeah. And it stumped me so much. Mm-hmm.

And it's just so wonderful that you don't have that. And I wonder if there's a world where you can, like, turn the switch off and just apply that to your personal stuff. I wish. It's so hard. I, it's. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard.

I'm just, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard. Yeah. I guess it's, um, I think it has to do with like abandonment issues and whatnot and just like relationships I've had with my family.

Uh, for sure. That's totally it. Yeah. Life is exhausting. Oh my God. It truly is. So long.

It's so long. It's so exhausting, but it's so complicated. But it's also so beautiful and wonderful. It is. You're so sparkly and special. You're sparkly and special. When did you have your first relationship?

I was so afraid of men for so long. I did not have... Eric's really... I had my first relationship when I was 23 and it was so sloppy and messy and it didn't last very long. But, um, and then I was single for like 15 years. I just really could not settle with anybody. Um, I had a lot of walls up and I was, I have a lot of fear of vulnerability. And so I really didn't have a good long relationship from 23 to like 30, late 30s.

Really good one. You know. Wait, how old are you? 40. I just turned 40. Really? Yeah. Here's the thing about getting older.

1979, baby. I know it's crazy. I don't know what anyone's supposed to look like you're young you're like 33 34 32 or 39 I don't know anymore and I could pull up an article and it'll tell me

I have no idea why in articles they'll be like this actor 42 and it's like why why why why why why you are literally affecting maybe the likelihood of me getting a job. Totally. A casting director goes, oh, I know how old they are. And they're too old to play this part or too young.

And it's like, yeah, but what about what I look like? Totally. It's very exhausting. I know. And age, it's like, I don't have kids. And I feel like a 40 year old with three kids and a 40 year old with a dog, you know, two dogs. They have a third. they have a different life. Different people. Yeah.

So I, you know, I sleep. I sleep. I sleep. I don't have, you know, drooling toddlers on my teats. Yeah. The idea of children makes me upset. I don't want them. I don't want them.

I don't want them. I used to want them so bad. Same. I wanted like eight children. And now it's like you see the truth. My friends are having kids and I'm like, that doesn't look fun. Doesn't look fun at all. And now it's all I see on your Instagram. And I'm like, I don't want to know the choo-choo train ride

you guys went on. I don't want to see it. I will say this. I love that a lot of my friends now have Instagram accounts for their kids. Yes. So it's like, if you want to see it. I will say this. I love that a lot of my friends now have Instagram accounts for their kids. Yes. So it's like if you want to see a hundred thousand pictures of a baby, you have a choice. Because like I feel like once you have a baby, that's your whole identity. I'm like, how do you feel about things now?

And they're like, I don't know. I don't know. But I've been sleep training and they're sleeping through the night and I'm just like. It is really funny, though. I'm an asshole. I feel like. No, you're not an asshole. It's just so funny when someone is like incessantly talking about their kid doing these things.

You're like, yeah, OK, so your kid learned how to sleep. Great. Cool. I've been sleeping for years. Wait, I do follow one baby. Oh, you do? That is so cute and special. It's a private baby account for this like

actor and I'll tell you who it is later, but their baby is so cute. That's like the only baby I'll follow. She got a haircut. I'm going to comment. Okay, because I want to know what she's going through. She's two. She looks so grown up now. I don't, I've never met the baby.

This is really funny. It's so funny. She's the only baby I like. That like social media lets you like think you're friends with somebody. Totally. There's one baby that I do love. It is Emily and Sasha's baby from 90 Day Fiance. This baby is like six months old and like eight feet tall.

It is the biggest baby I have ever seen. He looks like, you know, those big bears that you used to have as a kid where you'd be like, the bear is bigger than me. This kid looks like a big bear. Its head is so big. It has the goofiest face. Oh my God, I want to see. Oh, I'll show you. The only thing like I do, it would have been so beautiful if, like, I had a baby with Eric.

Because our baby would be so funny. And just, like, coming out, like, with jazz hands and, like, just so hilarious. Okay, here's this baby. That baby's, like, six. That baby's huge. That's a small man. His head is as big as his dad's almost. It's the biggest baby.

Also, we got to see the birth and she was like screaming through it. Did you see his other posts on this? It says twins. He's showing Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's my friend Lydia who posted the picture of the baby and then said they're like twins. Like the baby's Danny DeVito. That baby's face. It's so big.

Fuck. Imagine that kid like standing on the foot of your bed no i don't want this big fucking baby being like jerry you're like who are you and it has these like little teeth it's i don't know why i keep saying ew babies are beautiful yeah i love little babies they're beautiful but, they drool a lot. They drool so much. And they get it on their hands and then they walk and they crawl. And they're sticky. There's like drool handprints on your floor.

It's triggering. It's triggering. Yeah. Give me all the dogs. People want me to like meet their children because they've nailed it. And like truly, I say I don't like children in my act because it's funny but uh i am very grateful that kids watch the show i just don't know how to speak to them yeah like i don't know yeah what do you say what do you what do you say to a child i mean i feel

like just tell i don't know i feel like i'm pretty good at talking to kids. They love when you try to high five them. They love when you shake their hand and you don't let go. And you say, let go. And you don't let go. And they'll laugh. Like, hey, get off my hand. And then you just grab it. Hey, let go of my hand.

I think some kids like me because I talk to them like they're an adult. Yeah. One of the producers on the show brought her daughter, who is maybe the funniest child I have ever met. She, I love. The first time I met her, she was like, you're my friend. And I was like, great, we're now friends. And we were walking to set and she raised her hand,

slapped my boob, and then squeezed it. And I was like, excuse me? How old is this kid? And she just laughed maybe like six what she's a bad little girl i love her she that would have shocked me was her mom there yeah her mom was like oh my god can you not and i was like she's done this before she's so funny again and then she she came another day and i was like you're back i love you she's so funny she got kicked out of her camp that's what she kept coming legend i was like you're incredible you i love would i want to live with you probably not no but like but like it's hilarious that you're getting kicked out of you're very funny that was me when i was a kid i was so bad i was such bad kid. I went to tennis camp and I would hit the balls over the fence. Where'd you grow up? New

Jersey. New Jersey. Jersey. You can't hear the trash. Middletown, New Jersey. Monmouth County. Okay. My actual town is Lingcroft. It's a very, very small town. You're just name dropping. You went to tennis camp in New Jersey? Mm-hmm. Okay. And I would hit the balls over the fence so I could walk to go get it and not have to fucking play tennis. Fuck yeah. Ugh.

I hate. My dad loved tennis. And he really wanted me and my sister to be like Venus and Serena Williams. But that was never going to happen. No. My dad liked tennis too. I you know he didn't that's like a dad thing probably a dad yeah but your dad's this was in the 90s yeah yeah yeah i love how i thought about it i was like yeah i was born in 86 so yeah i was i grew up in the 90s

so you do know how old you are yeah 96 it's a fun bit where i just don't know how old you are yeah 96 it's a fun bit where i just don't say it so you're 34 when's your birthday uh august 29th leo same day as michael jackson but only one of us still celebrates oh which is my favorite oh no did you watch the michael jackson documentary documentary I did and I gotta say what a bummer you know um and then like some of the claims have now been like refuted and it's just like it's like a little sloppy like they didn't do their due diligence on like everything and I'm like that's like I don't know I don't know what the truth is but it was just it was like horrific to listen horrific also horrific uh this harvey weinstein have you been following the trial but eric said that one of the women's testimonies said that his penis was more like a vagina yes and that he didn't have balls what does that mean

maybe because the fat enveloped the ball maybe and then she also said that he had horrific blackheads on his back like and then that he smelled like shit and i was like oh my god i was like and we just let this man roam the streets ew isn't it disgusting more than roam the streets yeah and then i was like no i have not been watching a powerful mogul no thank you i don't watch anything really i mean i'll watch like shows that i want to see, but I don't follow news. I don't know if you watch this. Oh. Oh, is it just listening?

Yeah. Or Twitter? No, I was like reading an article. That's fair. I don't read that shit. I just, yeah. I work. I just work so much.

It's devastating. I also work, but I've been working on this thing where, you know, on a set, there's lots of downtime. So people just like read things from the internet to you i've i'm about to possibly make a show and i i might be talking about it too prematurely that's exciting but i'm looking forward to downtime on a set that would be awesome i know i was like complaining about i wasn't really complaining i i i like did i say Did I tell you? You did. I haven't gotten an official offer, but I'll announce it.

That's very fun. I'm trying to find. This man had this thing on his app where I was, or in his profile, where I was like, this is so weird. Can you tell me really quick why Hinge is better than Raya? Oh, because Raya. I just feel like Raya is so fancy. Raya is not fancy. Raya is bad.

Raya has a lot of self-important people. Yeah. A lot of Australian DJs. I would so date an Australian DJ. I want to be a DJ in my next life. Really? Yeah, I love. I would so be a DJ.

I'm so into music. Oh, dang. I can't remember his name. He's got a restaurant in Vegas called Ubert Keller. He's an older gentleman. He's a chef. Has a restaurant in Vegas called Fleur. He is a DJ and I love it.

And he'll like post pictures of his Instagram like him like DJing and he's like maybe in his 50s and I love that he found this love for techno music late in life or just like any songs just to like DJ a party you know I want to do it but I just I think you can you just plug up your iPhone and you're like this song

this song now I do have a Spotify and I make tons of Spotify lists. I feel like an old person. I don't understand Spotify. Really? I don't get it. It's really hard for me to understand.

So I use Apple Music and I'm the only person in America. And then everyone at the end of the year was like, this is what I listen to on Spotify. I was like, I want to do that, but I don't use Spotify. All you have to do is find your favorite band or whatever and just type it in and listen to it. And then on the top right, there's three dots and you can play the radio of that band. And then it's like any song that's related to that. Same genre, same vibe. I have been on these apps and, you know, like know like well you're not on the apps but sometimes you come across people and you're like what is wrong with you yeah this man said I'll fall for

you if your dancing is as good as your sarcasm and for whatever reason I hated that dancing like what kind of dance I don't know just I'll fall for you if your dancing is as good as your sarcasm. So I was like, you want a sarcastic woman with rhythm? I guess so. Very specific. That would turn me off too. I wouldn't respond to any of this shit. No, it's bad.

This other person said, ideal first date ends with a breakfast. I'm like, so you're like going to straight up tell me up front that you're trying to fuck? And then this person said, well, get along. If you like adventures, traveling, have a sense, which is spelled wrong, of humor. And if after a hard day, you still have energy, for me. And I'm like, you're asking for a lot. Wait, so these are just opening lines.

Yeah. So what if, so the breakfast guy, you should, I mean, you're not going to respond to any of them, right? No, well, I mean, these are just on their profile. So it'll be like a picture. Like their bio? And then they can answer questions instead of just the bio. Oh, I thought this was like a message to you.

Oh, okay. Here's another one. I just took a bunch of screenshots of these wild people. We'll get along if we just meet up in person and don't hate each other. Also, first meet up is not a date. You get a date if we click promise. Isn't that wild? You get a date?

This person wants me to meet up with them and he's going to go yes or no. No. If it's a yes, we get to go on a date. Get to. And he will decide. This person said, my dream job if money didn't matter, puppy connoisseur. What do you think that means? No clue.

Like a wine connoisseur is someone who like knows about wine and consumes wine. This person is going to eat a dog? Knows about puppies? Next. Yeah. I've been a matchmaker also. I think I told you this a while ago. Oh, yes.

And I asked you to match me with someone. And guess what? You never did. I never did. It's okay. Well, because like, I just, I don't know. I don't, now you're on my radar but i've matched two couples and they're still together see one of them for five years i know it's crazy

and the other for like six years just i'm gonna now well now you're on my radar i haven't seen you i know i haven't seen you in fucking forever. What the hell? You're so great. What the heck? I don't, yeah. I just don't want a guy to be like, I'll decide when we're going to date or none of that. You are a gift. You are a catch. You are a get.

You are, oh my God. Thank you. It's true. And I'm so glad that you can just receive it. Just receive that because it's the truth. It's very nice. It's nice to hear. I think you think your gift and I think you're wonderful. I truly do. I think you're the sweetest lady ever. Thank you. And I'm so excited for your brick and mortar to open. Thank you so much. I'm so pumped for you.

I can't believe I have five employees now. You have what? That's crazy. I know. I'm telling you, you are the Bill Gates of this. Okay. I mean, man, I'm so excited. I'm like, what the hell is happening? That's so cool. Wait, what do your employees do? So I have one, two, three groomers that I've been training. And then I have a bather, which is a funny title, but it's he bathes the dogs and preps them. And I have another person who, do you know Bailey? Bailey Reese. She's just an old friend who I just hired to run my business, but she's also now an assistant. So she's helping with like, we're building out a shop on my website. So I'm going to have merch.

You're going to have merch? Merch. Yeah. I actually brought you something. Like I, you're going to be a fucking mogul and I love this. I brought you a sticker.

Cute, cute, cute. I'm going to put it on my planner. Put it anywhere. I've been selling these. I say selling them in quotes because I'm trying to raise money for the brick and mortar. So I'm like, if you donate five bucks, I'll give you one of these. I'll donate five dollars.

Okay. I'll give you five dollars right now. Thanks, friend. But we have to wrap up. This is sad. Do you have anything you want to promote other than your store that's going to be opening? Oh, my God. Just my Instagram, JessRonaGrooming.

It'll bring you joy. It will. It's got such fun pictures of dogs getting groomed. My favorite are the wet pictures. Really? Yeah, I really love a wet dog. That's good to know because I'm about to print out some prints to sell of beautiful, sad, wet dogs. Oh.

And I'll make sure to give you one. Please do. I like it. Yeah. Okay. If you like this episode of, Oh, how would you date me?

Oh, wait, hold on. Okay. What's happening? I was, uh, my medicine has not kicked in yet.

Uh, if you like this episode of why would you date me? You can subscribe. You can like it on iTunes. If you send me a nasty message, I will read it. This, I was like reading.

Oh, the nasty message. I was in the middle of the nasty message, like scanning it. And then I was like, oh wait, is this a message or is this asking for advice? So this person is asking for advice.

Can we give them advice? What? Can we do it? Usually I don't do this. I don't like to give advice, but this is a very funny story. Nicole, help. Friend, listening to your podcast is like looking in a mirror and I need advice from a fellow slutty queen.

I went on a first date with a man from Hinge, Hinge I love. He seems nice and normal and wasn't very funny, but he laughed at my jokes. We got drunk and of course I invited him home with me. Dick was fine. Nothing to write home about. In the morning, he goes into my bathroom in my home. He's in there for 15 to 20 minutes. I hear him flush like three times.

I thought it was pretty bold to take a dang shit in a stranger's house, but we're all adults here. So whatever. This man comes out and proceeds to tell me that he was doing a naked downward dog to let out some gas and projectile sharded liquid all over my white bathroom and had to throw away my shower curtain bath rug and hand towel do i go on a second date with this diarrhea sprinkler of a man or Venmo him to replace my things. You're the best. Sorry this was long. All my love. Shut up. Is that is that true? I don't know if it's true but someone sent that to me in a DM. What fucking legend does downward dog to try to

get the gas out? What the hell hell first of all your belly is upside down when you do that yeah that means anything just squat he was full of shit oh god ew but also like it project i don't believe it i don't know but i mean i've sharted not downward dog all over a white bathroom i've never been downward dog while doing it. I'm usually wearing underwear so that I would catch it. But I don't know the veracity of like a sharp naked. Don't go out with a guy. Yeah, I guess that's our advice.

If this is true, do not go on a second date with this monster. Because that's truly what this person is. A literal monster. And I would, yes, ask him to pay for a new shower curtain. No. Bye. Bye. Look at this investment in a new shower curtain as a gift that you needed a new shower curtain.

And do not make this guy pay for it. He's probably embarrassed if this is true. Bye. Don't even contact him. Nothing. Yeah. I think that, Jess, I think that's beautiful.

We should find out how much the shower curtain is and we should buy it for her. Yeah. If you want me, I will buy you a new shower curtain. I'll pitch in. If you, I guess, GM me again

or email me at baconcansave, bacon, B-A-C-O-N, can, C-a-n-s-a-v-e at gmail.com also i know i give out this email address please stop signing me up for stuff oh my god that's so annoying people will sign me up for like this weird shit or they'll like sign me up for something and then write an insane name uh like not my name they'll be like hello uh june uh here's the thing you asked for and i'm like i didn't ask for this that's very annoying it's rude it's rude and annoying but you know it is what it is i give the people the email and they can do whatever they want but i would love you to stop signing me up for stuff unless it's something fun yeah

but i don't know what would be fun that would come to me in an email i don't know all right that's it bye This has been a Team Coco production.