Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Unravelling From A Breakup (w/ Rhea Butcher)

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

Comedian Rhea Butcher (Adam Ruins Everything, Good Trouble) chats with Nicole about how they quit smoking after 16 years, being a lifetime vegetarian, and their old stand-up show, Put Your Hands Together. Rhea then discusses what it was like to unravel from their past relationship, dealing with the public aspect of a breakup, and the story of how they met their new partner. Stream Rhea's new special, "Pull Yourself up by Your Bootleg" at bstlnk.to/butcher. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, go to blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could cut all my fingers off and call me a dummy. I would say, I love you so much. My guest today, you've seen them on bajillion dollar properties, Trump versus Bernie, Adam ruins everything, good trouble. Ooh, Friendsgiving. Was that released yet?

Yeah, we have. Ooh, Aura's coming up. Oh, by this time, it has been released. Oh, boy. Rhea Butcher. What's up, Nicole? I was going to be like,

I was going to continue your intro and be like, wow, they're just a wonderful stand-up. And I was like, oh, just introduce Rhea. Like, what are you doing? Thank you. I mean, you can keep going if you want. I love hearing it.

Well, you're so funny. I forgot I did some of those things, you know? Oh, really? I mean, I didn't really, but like Trump versus Bernie, that's like a classic. Well, I got your IMDb open. Oh, yeah. You got to pull it up. up yeah i like having the imdb at the ready so because sometimes you just forget shit yeah yeah dude like i did about some of the things you mentioned ria thank you so much for being here yeah you are my first white guest since uh i think may wow oh actually conan is gonna be the

first white guest oh just kidding come on sorry about it okay producer my producer please leave this in my producer marissa is uh correcting me sorry because I record things out of order. So, Rhea, you are the second white guest of 2021. Whatever. That's fine. I can be the second white guy. Okay. Alright.

Thank you for understanding. Yeah, of course. How are you? I'm doing okay, you know? I mean, it's hard to, who the context is, you know, is now. The context is now. Sure, who knows? I mean, some days it's like I woke up, I'm awake.

So like, grateful, you know? Like, sometimes you just really got to start there because otherwise I can get really upset about a lot of things. Um, and then I got to remember like, Oh yeah, I've got like, uh, an apartment that I'm able to pay for right now. And like I have food, I have, uh, friends, I have a dog who doesn't want to spend any time with me. I have a Christmasmas tree you know it's like cool things are good you know why doesn't your dog want to spend time with you he is like in love with my partner really yeah it's cute i like take him for walks and stuff and then he just i take i let him off the leash and he leaves he just runs away. That's kind of like the situation with my dog.

My dog loves John Milhiser, my roommate. Loves him so much. John went away for Christmas against the recommendation of the CDC. Oh, he's going to hate that I said that, but whatever. And he was so depressed the first like three days he was gone but then he adjusted and was like all right john's gone this is it i love nicole again and it's been really nice that's great john's dead i guess i'm with nicole now i uh i'm in a like an air cast boot

yeah i think clyde is like oh she's hurt i have. So I think Clyde is like, oh, she's hurt. I have to be nice to her, which is really nice. But also like, can you love me without a cast on? Love me without my air cast. Yeah. Nicole, how are you doing? I like saw something on Twitter about your leg. Okay.

So it was like a one day job. So and I told them beforehand yeah that i cannot walk i have a little knee scooter and i'm on crutches i get there and not only it's not a normal trailer it's a trailer with six stairs in it and i got picked up at 6 30 in the morning uh the nice man who lives with me overslept and didn't help me and i was like i'll be fine the driver will help me down because i have like a hundred stairs to leave my house no so i'm standing at the top of my stairs and i'm like waving at the driver and the driver pops out of his car and goes nicole i said yes he goes i'm your ride and i said i know

he goes come down i said i can't i need help he goes when you get down i'll help you and i have like a knee scooter and crutches and i was like oh boy uh is he how is this can you not see how's he driving me somewhere like not to be rude but like for sure of course yeah so then he goes just come down i said i need help that's where the help comes in yes and then he like kind of looked at me harder and was like oh okay and then he like snatched my scooter and like went down the stairs and i was like huh so i don't think this is gonna be fun but then he drove me to set and kept going is it here is it here i was like oh man you have to address i'm not the one yeah i'm not the one driving i don't know yeah and then we get there and my wardrobe uh person

my costumer marley is walking towards me and he had gotten the scooter out and i'm on my crutches and he pushes the scooter towards marley and away from me i was like wait why why would you do that why and then marley pushes the scooter towards me i put my knee on it and I'm scooting towards it. And I was like, oh, my God, there's six stairs instead of the traditional three in a trailer. I was like, I now have to climb up three more stairs. So then this PA, God bless him. I never found him to apologize. But he goes, can I help you?

And I yelled, no one can help me. And I threw each crutch like a javelin into the trailer. And then my hair and makeup ladies, they were like, from our perspective, Nicole, we just heard you scream. And then these crutches were hurled into the trailer. And then I crawled up the stairs and had to do that maybe like, I don't know, six times that day. And then there was no accessible route to get to the soundstage. And the AD at one point was like, you just hop over this. And I was like, okay, you might just hop over this, but I don't want to injure my other good ankle right now.

I don't want to be like fully in mobile for this one day thing. It was like not fun and i fully i've always been like oh things need to be more accessible but i've never had it happen to me which is like a real ableist fucking privileged point of view but god damn it must suck that like and then people huff and puff when they have to help you. And like, that doesn't make anybody feel good. No. And they kept going, are you sure you can't walk? And I was like, yes.

That was the thing when I saw that. And I just like read it and I could, it was like I could feel it happening. Because that makes it like, I could feel being there and just, it was like I was standing watching it happen for you, you know, of like because I have had not that exact experience, but experiences like that where people because they cannot they are not actually having the experience and they have not lived the experience before or after. for or after and and perhaps don't have like what you just said is like i've always believed things need to be more accessible but then when you have the actual lived experience it changes it more it's like especially if you're not walking in cognizant of things need to be more accessible people are just like this is not my experience what is wrong with you you know like in this moment they're uncomfortable crazy it is it's so bonkers and like so human, but also just like, are you sure? Like I have had so many people, the are you sure?

Like that is something I have tried to remove from my vocabulary. Like from my communication, it's like if somebody is telling me something, they're probably pretty sure about it. You know what i mean like when i say things to people i've spent some time like important you know what i mean like this is important i don't know like i assume that of other it's like if somebody's bringing something to me or somebody's saying i need help with this whether it's with their actual mouth or with the fact that they're literally carrying crutches i don't go are you sure about that yeah it's so bananas to me

i remember like i distinctly remember saying are you sure to this one very very discombobulated older lady online at tsa at the airport she like could not get her computer out of her bag and i was like do you need any help and she was like no and i was like but are you sure because like this looks are you and she was like no and then really just held up the line and she did need help yeah she definitely did and she was like i don't want it of course are you sure you know never saying it of course i'm incorrect no no no i know what you mean though yeah because you're right she she wasn't sure no she was not sure she needed all of the help

and she truly didn't want it yeah it was just so wild and then they like kept putting these so i had to sit and they didn't they like were, were like, you have to sit? And I was like, I mean, I can stand on it, but I have to have my scooter. And they're like, the scooter? And I was like, I don't, yeah. And then they kept putting these like jungle gym of Apple boxes for me to hop up on. And I was like, you have to tape these together. Yeah. And they were like.

Those things slide. Yeah. And I was like, don't. Wow. Don't sigh because you have to tape these i was like i'm also fatter than the stand-in one so you're gonna have to relight this anyway because i'm taller than her and they're like no she's the same height as you and i was like i get that but her ass isn't as big as mine so seated i am taller than her and they're like no and then i sat and

they're like oh we're gonna have to relight this and i was like oh my god i'm literally telling you everything and then my the person i was working with was like 5 30 5 30 nicole that's when we get to go and yeah he like spoke up a bunch to be like yeah the way we're operating is wild oh my god mean, I'm glad there was somebody else there to sort of like, cause I've definitely had the experience too. And I'm, I'm sure you have where you're, you feel very alone when like no one else, you're just like,

am I the only person? Am I the wrong one here? And you're like, no, no, no, no, no.

And like, yeah, five 35, 35 30. I'm sorry that happened for you to you i'm sorry that happened to you hey thank you so much like that sucks it does suck and then i texted my friend santina and i was like oh my god this that and the other and she's in a wheelchair and then after i texted her i was like she doesn't need to know my struggles. It's almost like when the protests were happening

and some of my white friends were reaching out and I was like, what? You're like, what? I'm okay. Right. Oh, boy. Did you make any New Year's resolutions? I think kind of. think i i let somebody asked me i did like a instagram q a and somebody asked me like what my goals were for 2021

and i was like my goal is to not have any goals like not and not in like uh it's just like i i don't mean like i'm not gonna try to do like of course i'm gonna try to do things it's just like, I don't mean like I'm not going to try to do, like, of course, I'm going to try to do things. It's just like, I don't want to look at it. I'm trying my best to not look at life as a bunch of boxes to check off, you know? Like, if I do this, then that. You know, like, if I do this, then I get that. Or if I get this, then this will happen. It's like, I just want to enjoy the ride, you know, which I think I'm already doing.

But in 2021, it's like, I just, that's what I would like to bring. And it's an achievable goal right now. You know what I mean? Like that's it, but it's practice, you know, like you have to keep doing it. What about you, Nicole? Do you have any? Well, okay. doing it oh what about you nicole do you have any um well okay my new year's resolution it's always to quit smoking and i really thought i was gonna do it sure before 2021 yeah but then i started to smoke it more again sure yeah yeah i've been there man man. It's tough. It's not easy. Big tobacco did a really great job.

Yeah, they really did. I smoked for 16 years. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, I know. Right. Isn't that crazy? Because like to me, I'm a smoker. Like that's the thing is like I'm definitely a smoker, but so many people don't know me as a smoker which is like pretty wild and a big trip but and i quit in 2011 wow and i nicole i i literally did not think i was like i'm gonna do this for the rest of my life that's where i'm at right now i'm like i fucking love them they're yummy which is the wildest thing because they're stinky and not great but they also are like so good. They really are. They're so tasty. How did you quit? I actually used the easy way method, that book.

So I read the book. I got about three-fourths through it. And I was like, I think I might actually quit. So then I stopped reading it. See, that's the thing is I read the whole thing. But I actually used the audio book, which at the time for me, and this method that I used, I heard on a podcast. I heard Paul F. Tompkins on a podcast before we knew each other as people

share that that's how he quit smoking. I was like, well, might as well give it a shot. And I got the audio book, and I listened to it while i was at work and it was very helpful to hear someone else's voice you know and like put someone else's voice in my head instead of listening to my own thinking because my own thinking is what convinces me that having just one more is totally fine oh maybe i should do you know i don't like audio stuff because i can't concentrate i know i do a lot of podcasts but yeah but it checks out my add is like you can't sit and listen you gotta do stuff but i was doing other things when i was listening to it you know like i was listening to it at work

you know when i had like a before I was doing comedy. Also, I would say this was also very helpful for me at the time of quitting smoking. And I will share also that quitting smoking is to me now, you know, 11 years out. It is a daily thing. Like I have I do not smoke every day. Like I make that choice. You know, like it's an it's an active practice to not do it, you know. And I make that choice, you know, like it's an, it's an active practice to not do it, you know? And, and I say that it sounds like a lot, but it, it's not, you know,

11 years out, it gets easier to do. And there are many things that I do now that I, I didn't do when I had the book that are sort of not replacements, but they have taken up the space that smoking used to take up in here and in here you know but i was also about to start doing stand-up like i wanted to start doing stand-up and i had been doing improv and like i found the smokers you know it's like i'm in the improv classes it's like you wander outside you're like hey man can i bum what you know and then you're bumming cigarettes and then i'm buying a pack and keeping it in the freezer and like all that stuff and i was like i decided i i really loved improv but i had gotten to a place where it where i didn't it wasn't doing it for me and and i always wanted to try stand up

and in chicago stand up was like a big big thing and i just remember being like like i heard that paula tompkins on the podcast and i was like if I don't quit smoking before I do start doing standup, I don't know if I'll ever be able to quit. And at that time that was what I needed to, to realize, you know? And so that kind of gave me a little extra push of like, cause it felt like I was meeting a new group of people and I had an

opportunity to like, maybe not hang out with it, not find the smokers I still did because I'm a smoker so I'm like still gravitating towards those people but you know I had I had made that decision to to not do that anymore um through the book through listening to the audiobook and following the the process that he lays out at that time and again it's changed over the years because like you you know, other methods and other things. But yeah, I I say like I smoked hardcore for 16 years.

Like it was an integral part of my identity. Yeah, I do feel like it's a part of my identity. Like I I just love them. They make me happy. And I still think I look very cool doing it. I'm sure that you do. Even though I don't think you do. To this day, like, I know how bad it is.

I know what it does. I've seen the effects on people in my family. And that wasn't enough. You know what I mean? It's like, it's just not enough. Because it has to come from the inside is the thing. Like, you can't, there's nothing on the outside that can get you to, once you're

you know addicted to the thing there it's not an outside thing it's an inside job and like i still watch tv and stuff because it seems like now as a culture in entertainment for a long time there was no smoking and stuff because we were like we got to get this out of there and then mad men and then period pieces i watch it and i'm like man i wish i could get a job in hollywood teaching people how to actually look accurate smoking because it's so rare because so few people smoke like most people vape and stuff now that like to me when i watch somebody smoke i'm like what the it takes me out of the movie. You know, it's like watching somebody try to eighties dance. Yeah. I had to learn. And it took a long time. My body was like, this isn't for me. And I was like, it will be. And it still kind of isn't like,

I have a terrible cough that goes away if I don't smoke for like a week and then it creeps on back the more I do it. Oh, well you mentioned paul f tompkins and at the last uh put your hands together he did this um a bit about oh fuck it's like a like a a prop thing that like uh what is it it's peanut brittle bit and i laughed so hard that people were staring at me because i had never heard it before and i didn't realize it was like a very well-known famous bit and i was like me and sashima were going on and on about it like oh my god what is it that that's the beauty of this whole thing is like it's a well-known bit but you didn't know it who care you know what i mean sure did it it was so and then her boyfriend was like oh one of like the of like the quintessential Paula Shopkins.

You didn't know. And we're like, ah, shit. Yeah. But like, oh, man, that's I mean, that's why I love this thing. Like, who cares? You know, you got you got in on the ground floor, you know, boy, like truly laughing. So like people were like, what is happening? I was like, why aren't you all laughing harder? It's like people were like ew what is happening i was like why

aren't you all laughing harder it's like they'd all heard it before uh and i have since watched it online like a hundred and i laughed just as hard it makes me so happy it's so funny he's so he's like i mean you two are some of my favorite top five comics like the two of you make me laugh so hard and i am not just saying that because i'm on this show like legit that makes me so happy every time you're on put your hands together is like yeah it's just such a treasure you know oh put your hands together rest in peace it's done right oh yeah yeah it wasn't it wasn't weekly it was monthly or was it, it was weekly for seven years. That's too much. And a podcast.

I feel like we were doing a pandemic show before a pandemic. You know what I mean? It was like the OG podcast stand-up show. Nobody was really doing that. Always doing it. Every time I did it, it was a real treat because I would always test out new material there because the audience was so nice, but also truthful. So they would give me the laughs I wanted, but also they'd be like, no, we don't like that.

They were really smart, not to say that other audiences aren't, but there was a good group of regulars that came, but they just were there was like a good group of regulars that came and then it just became a spot where um unintelligent stuff now that's not what i'm and your jokes are not unintelligent but i just mean they're pretty just like no i just mean like people would come in and try to do these like not thought out like gay jokes and stuff like that and be met with just like intelligent silence you know like just like oh okay all right and you just like couldn't do it you know and then it just like i don't know it was uh i i do think it was a good spot to try stuff because i mean there people didn't laugh at all of my i was always trying out new stuff there and they'd be like no what are you talking about

you know like i just loved that because that was like the first show i learned i could tell an audience this is new let's see if it works and if it worked i'd be like okay that worked but what about this part of it you could just pull the audience and then it worked so i do that i do that everywhere now when i'm doing new material like if it's worked twice i'll just do it but if i've never done i'll be like guys okay let's see yeah that show was so fun yeah you were always so great on that show thank you fun and fearless and vulnerable so good can I talk about how you used to host it with a former partner or is that off limits? Uh, yeah. Well, let's, let's see how it goes. How about that?

How about I put it on there? Fair. So you guys work together a lot. Was that hard when things were good? Was it hard? Uh, you mean, uh, was working with your partner hard? Yeah. Cause like, yeah. You lived with your partner. You worked with your partner hard yeah because like you lived with your partner you worked with your partner on multiple things because you had take my wife put your hands together that's that's a lot and then basically like a touring business yeah oh yeah oh yeah you guys toured together yeah so it was hard to work together was it hard to like unravel from each other in the end i think that it is always that way though and i think it just um feels perhaps more because i would say what's difficult and this is like the first time i've really talked about it. So I think the hardest thing has been the public aspect of it, that like it's just hard to not,

I don't think I'm like some big famous, you know, whatever. It's given me a lot of empathy for anybody who is a big famous person who goes through literally anything because like it's just bonkers what people think they can say to you about your life um you know what i mean it's like that that's what's hard is like because you shared your life you know and as comics even as just singular kind of like we share our lives like people people really do think they can say things to you that like like that's not okay you know what i mean like it's really not that's not for

me like you you could say that to your friend about me but please don't say that to me you know but um again you know it's like somebody being like are you sure like do you really need those crutches you know uh it's just like this weird human thing but um i think it's always long any long-term relationship i think it's it's there's always a lot of like untangling and seeking and finding of yourself you know i've never been in a long-term relationship so i don't understand that i assume it would be like i've lived with roommates for a long time so i live with roommates for a long time that's how i said that but uh my my old roommate in new york her name is jenny I love her so much

we lived together for like six years so when I moved to LA it was like it was devastating for both of us we like cried on the floor and I was like but we're just roommates and then I realized oh but our lives were so intertwined because we worked together we were very good friends and we lived together so we spent a lot of time together. And I was like, oh no, I'm going to move across the country and never see this girl who's like become my family. It sucked. It sucked so bad. I assume that's what a breakup is.

I mean, that is a breakup, you know? I have had a breakup. Yeah. I feel like, you know, we have these like words and terms and experiences that were like sort of taught to reserve for specific things. And it's like, that's a long-term relationship living with someone for six years. That's like intimate, you know, it's vulnerable. It's like, you're like setting boundaries. It's like, it's all the same stuff. You know, like it's all the same stuff. And so it affects you as a human, you know, to change that. It can be devastating, you know.

Real quick, let's take a break. Oh, boy. We're back. What a refreshing break. Oh, so nice. I got water. I feel refreshed. My thirst just quenched.

Here's a question. So you are in a relationship now. Yes. May I ask how you met? You can. We met at dinner. Oh. We met through mutual friends friends through a mutual friend oh um who like was like visiting and they invited me to dinner and she was already going to

the dinner um and so i was like sure i was like at this place where i was like saying yes to everything i was like i was actually like i will say yes to everything that's not stand up right now. You know, it's like setting that boundary of like, maybe you need to just like take some personal, you know, whatever. So I got there and I was sitting at like, I think it was a six person table. And there were five people. And I'm a, I don't know if you're into astrology or anything, but I'm a double Leo. I'm a Leo sun and a Leo rising.

So I'm very like, hey, everybody, I'm the show. And not having somebody to talk to, I was like, wow, this is offensive to me. Okay, all right. But at the same time, I was like, look, man, not everything's about you. Just be here. Just participate.

Some of these folks you really wanted to hang out with and and now here's your opportunity plus if if if you're sort of left out on the end of the table the gate like the dodger game was on i was like you can just like kind of watch that you know whatever and then like halfway through the dinner she like came in and sat down across from me and i was like who is this person um because she just like came in with a an energy that was just very I don't know like attractive like not in a you know just like oh I'm okay this person's cool and then we just started talking and um like just hit it off you know in a really cool way yeah it just happened you know that's nice and easy. Yeah, it was. Wow. You never know, you know. What restaurant was it?

It was Mohawk Bend. Ooh, okay. They've got good pizza. The secret is you got to ask for extra cheese. Ooh. And I don't know why. It makes it better. It's so good.

I love, they were one of the first restaurants that I discovered Impossible Burgers at. So that was what I got. Oh, boy. Impossible Burgers. Are you a vegetarian or vegan? I am vegetarian. Yeah, I've actually Nicole, I've been a vegetarian my whole life. Can you believe that? Wait, really? Yeah. Wow. Can you believe that? How does that happen? Wait, you've never had meat before? Yeah. Your mom is a hardcore vegetarian. That's how that happens. Wait, you've never ever had meat? No. Only by accident. This is wild. I know, right? And my last name's Butcher. Can you believe it? That is funny. Wait, this is nuts. Yeah, it kind is you know i forget about it sometimes and i'm like that's kind of crazy like i've i've legit never had me i've never like when i say accidentally

i mean like a mom in third grade was like oh you should eat those baked beans because there's like ham in it and she was kind of weird and kind of had some stuff going on uh and then like you know getting pizza that was like half pepperoni half half cheese, and like getting one of the side pieces and having a little bit of pepperoni on it like that or like chicken broth. Like that's the closest that I've ever had. I have never been like, what is that? Oh, it's meat. I'm going to eat it. You know, like that has never happened in my life. Interesting. I stopped eating meat super regularly. So I became a vegan in May, but sometimes I have a lot of dairy all the time. And I'm more of a vegetarian.

I just prefer the word vegan. It just sounds like edgy. Yeah. I had chicken the other night, like a chicken wing. And I was like, ew, this is like a bird's wing.

It got like, it made me upset. I was like, I don't want to eat this bird anymore. But I finished it because I was like, this is like a bird's wing it got like it made me upset i was like i don't want to eat this bird anymore but i finished it because i was like i bought it uh and then i also had a rib and i was like this is the rib of an animal i don't for whatever reason i was like the texture and the way it looked grossed me out but i like the taste of it so i'm in a rock and a hard place but also i don't really eat i don't really eat meat that often. I would say I've had meat maybe like 15 times since May. Yeah.

And I like it. It's cleared up my skin. I've got a little bit of a zit right here from the chicken I ate. Yeah. And then allegedly if I get rid of milk and dairy, my skin will get even better. But I don't know how to not eat it. Yeah, that's what I've heard.

And it's also really good for like your joints. But man i love cheese like so it's hard you know like i was vegan for a couple years like three years and like i just oof i think about it all the time and i'm always like yeah but you've been vegetarian for so long like you're already there like who cares i can always convince myself what's your favorite cheese what's my favorite cheese like uh-huh straight up cheddar dude but also like i'll eat whatever cheese like i love cream cheese i love i love like craft singles like i love cheese you know like american cheese yeah dude i will eat American cheese. People laugh at me, but I love American cheese specifically because it tastes like plastic. Yes, that's what I like about it.

It's like the Little Tikes play set that I can eat, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I didn't eat cheese for a very long time except for, so when I was little, I used to call it raw cheese. Like, unmelted cheese to me was raw because it gets you put in the oven and it's melted you know you cook things in the oven and I just like wouldn't eat raw cheese and then one day I was like I don't eat grilled cheese anymore my dad was like what you've always eaten a grilled cheese and I was like not anymore I don't do that I don't know why and then I was like I also don't eat raw cheese and then I had

a cheeseburger maybe at like 25 and I was like wait I've been saying no to this this whole time it's so and I never look back I love the impossible burger though it's so good it's delightful in a way where I'm like I never have to have a burger again this does it right i mean it feels like like i've never had meat also by the way nicole this reminds me of the thing that was going around on like i don't i don't uh experience the only way i experience tiktok is through instagram or twitter so i think it started on tiktok and then it made its way to me on twitter um of that that white woman i think she's a white woman washing her meat. Yes.

And like, look, my vegetarianism is rooted in like a moral choice for me. I don't think everybody needs to make that choice. I respect meat eating. It makes sense to me in the hierarchy of the world. I personally don't think the way that we produce it is, that's why I don't participate in it as an adult now. Also, I just, it doesn't, I don't crave it because I've never had it.

But as a lifetime vegetarian who just makes that choice themselves, because it was going around with like, you know, murder or whatever, like somebody was like, she should be murdered, you know, whatever, like being hyperbolic. And I was like, okay, I got to watch it. And then i watched it and i gasped when she did that and like i don't eat meat i don't prepare meat i never have but i was like this there was something in my body that

was like that is wrong you know wait which video is this because there's several videos of people washing meat in strange ways is this chicken or is this ground beef? No, this was ground beef where she was like, I learned this in my mind. It blew my mind. Like the draining, the grease, whatever. Sure, that's fine. Everybody kind of does it. So if you haven't seen the video, she cooks the meat.

She puts it in a strainer. And then she's like, but not all the oil is gone. So you have to get rid of it. And then she runs water through it and then puts it back in the pan. And I'm like, did you even season it? Also, where's the flavor? It's shocking. Also, if you think about, I guess it's science, water and oil,

it doesn't actually, like you have no it makes me i've never eaten meat and that makes me more sick than anything like i i could not believe my reaction to it honestly there's another one where this woman washes her chicken wings so like black people i was always taught you like rinse them at the very like you just rinse them at the beginning this woman yeah in the beginning before you cook them so that you rinse off all the salmonella and all that stuff yeah that's what you're supposed to do i think so but white some white people don't do it like john i'm telling all of john's business he doesn't he doesn't wash them i think it's so weird uh but this lady took a sponge and soap and was like oh like like locked in them like

dishes and i was like you can't you can't do that why are you doing that so yeah i some people that i don't eat at everybody's homes because you just you just don't know also can i just like make a quick shout out to how angry it still makes me that white people get online and actively defend not washing their entire bodies. Like, I just don't like it. It's one thing to not do it. It's another thing to actively and audibly argue that it's a totally valid thing to do. It's so nuts. And it's like, oh, I've I only see white people do it's so nuts and it's like oh i've i only see white people do it and i it is only it is

literally only white people because the only people who have been like you wash your legs to me have been white people like white people are like why you're i'm like because it's you bathe yourself yeah i don't get it also i was looking online for like just like a like a pumice stone for like my feet and then i discovered this whole thing like a it's the product is called baby feet so you like put your foot in these socks and then it like peels the dead skin off yeah and then this woman like it looked like she was wearing like a shoe of her foot and i was like oh how do you have that much dead skin and then i was like oh because white people don't scrub the bottoms of their feet they don't we don't we don't i should say we don't i do

we don't if that makes sense i was shook because i i'm like looking at my feet now and I'm like, yeah, there's no way there's that much dead skin on them. It made me so upset. They don't. I mean, you could create like I feel like a whole college sociology class about the fact that white people claim superiority based on the skin they don't take care of. You know what I mean? Like, do not moisturize. Do not, like, touch in any way. It's ridiculous.

I often think about, you know, like, Steve Bannon. Is that his name? Yeah, that's his name. He's got, like, broken blood vessels in his face. He, like, looks disgusting. Also, our former president looks disgusting to me at least and i was like the slaves must have been so confused to be like wait they're these people are being so mean to us right these people are making us work in a field that guy black don't

crack you know my mom she's 100 she looks 10 like why what wait a minute curious to me sure yeah oh boy how should okay i i mean how do you want to transition out of slavery yeah it's hard to transition out of slavery in more than one way i've got in all the ways first let's get the statue of robert e lee out of this podcast and then we can i think they removed that from somewhere. They did. The Capitol, Nicole. Oh, boy. Can you believe it?

No, I'm always shocked and floored by where there are Confederate statues. Because I'm like, they lost. Mainly the United States of America. It's weird. They lost. They lost. And it speaks to the like collective

white denial you know that like that this is a valid thing to do to have even like remnant like obviously you want to have those things in a history book so that you're not yeah but the statues of them is what supersedes the history books because you see a statue a lot more often than you interact with a history book as like just an average citizen and like it's shocking to me but i also am from ohio where my mother still lives uh which is firmly in the the quote north and uh she has neighbors that have confederate flags up and it's like i know you didn't move where my mother still lives, which is firmly in the, quote, north. And she has neighbors that have Confederate flags up and it's like, I know you didn't move here from Alabama. Like, I know you didn't.

It's strange. Okay, so there's a Golden Girls episode where Don Cheadle, what is her name? Who's the southern slut? What's her name? I can't remember. Rue McClanahan is Blanche. Yes, Blanche. Had to go actor first and then character, sorry. I'm bad. name who's the southern slut what's her name i can't remember rue mclanahan is blanche yes

blanche had to go actor first and then character sorry i'm bad i was like what i'm bad at names but like don judo's like you need to take down that confederate sign she's like why it's my southern pride he's like well represent something different to me yeah she's like no and she like argues with him for a little bit and i was like huh why do why in film and television do things get talked about people take it in watch it over and over again and then go live their lives a different way it's very confusing like did you not hear blanche and did you not hear don cheeto let's take them down yeah i know people are really able to just live in their their thoughts and not it because it requires being uncomfortable you know discomfort yeah human beings do not want to live in discomfort I mean

like look at all the stuff that we're doing to not live in discomfort you know to not have the hard conversations like it's and it's literally just conversations you know and like being able to sit in discomfort you know uh and go like oh this is making me feel things you know like i that i don't want to feel and just going like it's temporary and we this is like the work that you do um and people are doing it so i don't want to i don't mean to paint with like a broad brush like people are continually doing it every day because if they weren't everything would be very different but yeah it's just like that and it's interesting that you that the conversation between those two two people ultimately and two characters um because that's what it always comes down to for

me specifically in this country because that's where live. It's all about who gets to define what these things mean. You know, like, our job as comics has continually become more and more like, what words are offensive and what ones aren't, and what's free-speaking and all this shit. And it's like, yeah, man, there's no, like, there's a reality, and then there's everybody's interpretation of it, you know, and like we're continually defining what that thing means and what that word means. And like, you know, and it's just like, yeah, it is like truly very, very interesting because like I have a joke that really goes after the gentleman in the room or yeah whoever identifies as a gentleman uh sure and uh when i first started telling it it would be like complete silence and i'd be like

oh the joke doesn't work and then i figured it out i'm like oh the female identifying people are upset on behalf of the men and the men are upset because I insulted them so then I just added uh-oh I hurt some feelings and then everyone laughs because they're like you did hurt our feelings they're like yes you did you hurt their feelings would you would you be willing to share the joke with me um honestly I couldn't because I haven't told it in nine months. Sure. I don't know the wording of it. The first outdoor show that I did, I was telling this Harry Potter joke that's like a year and a half old. And I'm like midway through, I was like, oh, I don't know. I do not know the rest of this joke.

I'm really looking forward to everybody sort of being, except for who, like Dave Chappelle and Joe Rogan, like everybody else being sort of equal, except for who, like Dave Chappelle and Joe Rogan, like everybody else being sort of equalized in an interesting way. And I'm curious to see, like I'm really looking forward to, like I am like,

wait, you mean to, I get to start over again at this thing? Hooray. Like I'm so excited about that. Have you done any of the outdoor shows? No.

I haven't. Nicole, the closest, and I almost just called you by the name that was because my zoom name is whoopee goldberg and if you ever get an email from me it comes through as whoopee goldberg as well because i love to tea. Yeah, dude, I love it. Um, I don't even know what I was going to say. It doesn't matter. Well, I don't even remember what I was talking about. Oh, the closest thing to stand up that I've done is on, uh, the show good trouble that I'm on. I was like standing on a stage doing standup for the show and like the crew was laughing. I was like, thank you! You guys don't know how much this means to me.

Because it was at Zebulon, so it was like, it felt like a real thing, which was nice. That's nice. I miss stand-up in a way where, like, those little outdoor shows, I did, like, five of them before. I was like, ooh, the numbers are getting pretty bad. I don't think this is very safe yeah and then i fell down and the lord said

you stay inside you stupid bitch um god doing for you what you can't do for yourself you know truly uh but even like fumbling through the joke i was like oh i need this i because i was getting to the point where i was like oh maybe I just don't do stand-up anymore. I think I'm okay. I think I could live like this. This is fine. And then I was like, oh, no. That wasn't pre-pandemic.

That was in the pandemic. You were like, maybe I just don't do this. In the pandemic, yeah. And like maybe June, I was like, you know, I did work a little too hard. Maybe I don't do that anymore. Maybe I'll cut out one thing, stand-up. And then I did it again

I was like oh no I need all these things that I do I just need to figure out how to do them in a way where I'm not expand like expelling like so much energy that I'm like oh I sleep for two days and then I'm awake for yeah two weeks yeah yeah for me I relate it's like I I used to think I had to like turn thing off, you know? And it's like, oh, I actually just need to turn them all down a little bit. You know? And like be, because I would say yes to things and then have to cancel, you know, all this stuff. And it's like I've just learned and continue to learn to like slow down and be like, can I actually do this?

Is this enough time? Like, like I've done basically the one job I've had through the whole pandemic is, I mean, I've worked on my own things, but like the, the one like paying actual job has been on good trouble. And like, you know, it's not a ton of days, but it would be like two days and then a friday and a monday and like i nicole like i needed saturday and sunday to be able to do monday and i was like okay interesting good to know and you know luckily i don't have a million things going on or that i have to turn down or anything but it's like i want to remember that if and when all those things come back to where you're like it's all like i operated so much from like if i don't say yes to this i'll never get it again yeah and that's a wild way to think but i think a lot of people think like that i do oh yeah i mean i think

comedians especially do it because we're just like if i don't you know it's beaten into you when you start stand-up like if you're not doing stand up, you're not doing stand up. So see ya. You know, and it's like I did. I determine whether I am a stand up or not, you know, whether I'm doing it or not. You know, like, am I a stand up? Yes. Yeah.

I mean, that's a lovely way to think, because I think a lot of times we're like, oh, what I do and how people perceive me makes me what I am as opposed to, no, no, I am what I say I am. If I wasn't, then wow, what I say I am. And the papers and the news every day I am. That's right. You know? Who knew I knew all those words?

I did it. I love to watch it just flow out you know wow I've never wrapped on this show before and I'm real glad it was to Eminem what an honor what an honor oh boy it's true though you know yeah it's just it's funny because I I truly just had that epiphany. I spend a lot of time being like, how do people perceive me? But it's like, well, how do you perceive yourself? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it starts. It's an inside job. Much like 9-11, how you feel about yourself is an inside job. It's jet fuel, you know? Boo! Too soon! Definitely. Never forget.

Oops, we already did. It's wild it's so nuts that we we weren't allowed to forget 9-11 but covid is just murdering people not happening yeah exactly it's wild uh it's almost like you have to have your own beliefs and continue to believe them and live them you know know, like it's, you know, actions do speak louder than words, even as comedians. And that reminds me too, just to like, cause you asked about the, what is the New Year's resolutions?

Is to live in abundance as opposed to lack mentality. Like a daily shift from knowing that when I say no to something, it's because there's not even something better. There's just, there will be more, you know? And like mindfully saying no to things and mindfully saying yes to them and believing that there's always a possibility for more and different. Yeah. Cause I spent enough time

believing the opposite and it's not fun. So like I might as well try this one on, you know what I mean? Yeah. I like when you said mindful, I feel like you're saying a lot of things that my therapist says, and I haven't really seen my therapist in a couple of weeks. Sure. Maybe, uh, maybe this is what i needed for my life yeah okay um we've come to the end i have a question yeah i usually ask people this sometimes i forget because i'm a dizzy bitch who forgets shit uh would you date me would i date you absolutely nicole oh yeah 100 oh wow what a treat thank you we could go watch ghosts you know at like a drive-in movie or something we were talking about that before the podcast i would love that they played ghost uh i think it

was earlier this year in like february and i asked the person i was dating at the think it was earlier this year in like February and I asked the person I was dating at the time I was like would you see Ghost with me and he was like uh what and I was like the movie Ghost would you see it with me and he was like I might be working and I was like this will never work I need someone who will be so happy to see Ghost with me So I didn't see it in the theater and I was really upset about it. Oh, Nicole, I'm so sorry. It's okay. I would see Ghost with you. So yes, I would date you. Thank you. You're not a piece of

trash. I feel like we would have a great time. I think so too. It would make me so happy. As long as you're okay with me crying human tears all throughout that movie. that's fine because at the end i usually cry yeah and then i laugh very hard at all of whoopi's parts the part i laugh the hardest at is when uh she's whispering or no no when patrick swayze is whispering to her in the

bank and she's like what are you whispering the bank scene with the pen. Oh my God. It's keep this pan. It's so funny. It's so good. And also like the wardrobe is so good in that movie. It's perfect. That pink suit is perfect.

Oh my God. And also like, uh, man, you said Tony Goldwyn was a sexual awakening for you which i feel like he also was for me there's a lot of shirtless a lot of shirtlessness in that movie he's shirtless and he's also like evil but then like kind but you're like yeah what is what what are you are you actually kind of evil very confusing you're so hot. I once saw him at an airport and I almost fainted.

Oh, wow. Wow. That's, that would be, I feel like that would be very exciting. That's amazing. I'm happy for you. It was. And there was like a couple people who recognized him and were talking to him. And I was like, he seems kind and he seems like he would talk to me.

But I like chickened out and I don't get starstruck. Because it's like, you're not signing my checks. I don't fucking care. But I was like, I can't. What would I say to out and i don't get starstruck because it's like you're not signing my checks i don't fucking care but i was like i can't what would i say to him i don't know i mean all of that he's so attractive he was also on the l word and he's really good on the l word oh he was so good on the l word he's just so attractive and charismatic and like a talented actor in a way that's like not super you know whatever but he's also mgm he's literally mg like he's also like historically hollywood it's like such a what he is metro goldwyn mayor yeah wow what a dream i I said, mm-hmm.

And then I was like, MGM, did he have like a contract? And then I was like, he's not old enough to have like a contract like that. And then I was like, what do you mean? So I was like, I'll just ask. What do you mean? That's crazy. I didn't know that. Yeah, Goldwyn of Metro Goldwyn Mayer.

He's got so much money. He's got so much money. That makes him even hotter. Because I didn't know. He's so hot. got so much money. That makes him even hotter because I didn't know. No. Well,

Tony Goldman, if you're listening, I would love to date you. I really would. Also, just shout out to Demi Moore in that movie too because nobody misty cries like Demi Moore. Her crying in that movie is like, yeah,

it's very real. It's real real it's real it's good i also just watched um i mentioned this with the roy wood jr's episode i just watched indecent proposal and wow have you ever seen it i feel like i haven't because it came out when i was like not allowed to watch it you know and then I just haven't. It's good. And truly, it's young Woody Harrelson, young Demi Moore, and you watch it and you're like, of course you people became big old stars. Of course you did, yeah. They are so good.

And then Robert Redford, goddamn, doesn't say much. He says just enough. And oh my God, I want to marry Robert Redford. Oh, he's so wonderful who knew i didn't know yeah also watch old man with a gun that's also robert redford but that's him now and he's old oh yeah and casey affleck is in it and i don't really try to watch stuff with him in it because he's like not the best person in the world or maybe i don't really know every story has three three sides is that the same i don't know whatever i just know that maybe he's not great but anyway it's a good movie yeah i like the warning you gave that he's in the movie i appreciate it you know you know trigger warning if he if he triggers you in any

way i don't want someone to be like, she didn't tell me. Yeah, how dare you not tell me information I could have easily found out on my own before I watched it. Raya, people get mad for weird shit. I know they do. The weirdest shit. And I'm like, this isn't my, I'm so sorry. Okay, this is the end.

And usually I read, I'll find one. So I read something where someone hits on me. If you say something nasty, I read it out loud. You can do it on Apple podcasts, or you can DM me on Instagram. That's how I've been getting a lot of them. I just want to share what this man wrote. So I joined this new dating website. I'll talk about it on the next episode. It's called woo plus it's for fat ladies, but there's these weird prompts on it. And this man, one of the prompts is things I'll never do. And he responded with turn gay, jump off a plane, go to jail, betray my partner and steal. And turn gay is so funny to me because I love that.

That's number one. And then jump off a plane. That means to me you are on the plane when it took off like on top of it not inside it he's like bruce willis sing on top of the plane oh boy it really made me laugh um okay let me find oh i screenshot this person correcting me they're like you had mitra on your podcast and she's not black but guess what she's not white either uh oh man oh you know what's funny just one thing to shout out about put your hands together there was a at least a two-year period where with the exception of us as the hosts uh which is a big exception uh we did not have a lineup with more than one white cis

man on it for a solid two years that is and i say that not as like praise but to say it's it's uh possible it is it was possible i'm not like we're so great because it's like that's only two years out of seven or whatever and who knows the numbers before that? But there was like a date that we started looking at it. And the last time that we had had two white cis men on the show, one of them was also a gay man. So it was like a gay guy and a straight guy. They both happened to be white cis men. But we did it for two years after that.

Two years after that. It's possible. I think people just don't want to put in the work. Cause it's like, it's not even, and it is hard. It's just one of those things where you just have to like, so like,

I don't know. I went on Twitter and I like kind of just like found some people that I was like, Oh, you're very funny on Twitter. Like I will like you on my podcast. And I reached out and it ended up being good episodes. So it was just like me doing slightly more work than normal that's it right it's like creating a boundary and then i think the hardest work is like not not believing that

it's going to be harder than it actually is yeah because like it yeah it just takes a little more work to like because like somebody says no i can't do it. And then you're like, oh God, but this white person is available. And you're like, well, you just wait. Guess what? You believe in abundance. And then you're like, it'll all work out. And then it always does. You know, that's the thing.

And then you get me dropping in. I don't know if you were there for this, but I dropped in just to do my pedophile joke. Oh yeah. I remember that. I was like, can I have like three minutes? And pedophile joke. Oh, yeah. I remember that. I was like, can I just have like three minutes? And you guys were like, of course. And I think you didn't come out after. I think the co-host came out after and was like, wow.

And I was like, it's my favorite joke that nobody. No, people like it. It's a wild joke. I liked it. I don't remember all the aspects of it but i what i remember is i mean that nicole that is like what i have always i don't want to like i that i appreciate and was always like so incredible and i cannot wait to do it again because stand-up will come back and i'll get to see you do stand-up again but just like your willingness to take like big risks you know and like do that shit because it's like

not everybody does that you know i don't i don't do that and like it's just uh i don't know it's inspiring to see you thank you do say i don't know you just like swing at stuff and you're like i'm gonna do it you know you know i'm gonna do it and stand in this. Because it's scary. I like doing it because I'm like, oh. Rhea, do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah, I have a baseball podcast, which probably a lot of people are like, blech, no thank you. But I talk about other things in it,

and it's not solely based around statistics or even statistics at all. It's called Three Swings. I have a lot of fun people on, and we have great conversations about life. And then I also will be on Good Trouble, which is premiering February 17th on Freeform. It's also then available on Hulu, so you can check it out there. And then I have an album coming out for Special Thing Records called Pull Yourself up by your bootleg

it's a performance that wasn't intended as an album but i'm putting out anyway because who knows when we're gonna be able to record stand up again so uh give that a little listen that'll be out i love it yeah okay i found a dirty thing, so this person emailed me and said, I know you love dirty emails and comments, but I want to tell you how much you help others. Bleep, bloop, blop. Okay, if it helps, we could have joked about how we would have a threesome with you and focus on your clit until it fell off, and then after we would dip it in gold and wear it as a necklace as a token.

Why would you want it to fall off? I don't know. It's a man. It would you want it to fall off? I don't know. It's a man. It's from two nice men. So maybe they're gay and maybe they don't understand that like your clit doesn't fall off when you come.

Why would they think that that? And then we would wear it as a token. We would remove a body part from you. I guess and then cut it up. And then wear it as a token. Love, love. It's not that that. And then we would wear it as a token. We would remove a body part from you. I guess and then cut it up. And then wear it as a token. Love, love. It's not that big. It's not like a huge thing.

We can like break it apart like the crown at the end of Mean Girls. It's pretty small. Wow. Okay. Well, that's it. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by Oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick It is executive produced by other wonderful people Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross Thanks for listening I love you, thank you so much We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode What a treat. What a dream.

What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.