Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Vagina Talk (w/ Megan Neuringer)

Episode Date: November 2, 2018

"With size, there's truly no winning in being an objectified woman."Megan Neuringer (writer, Portlandia) talks about body anxieties at every size, teaches Nicole about her ovaries and how to find the best relationship advice on Google. Nicole realizes she used to cock block her dad as a child, and discusses her suspicions with her male gynecologist.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of this podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though I will and like to suck on balls. Balls. D-bag me all day, every day.

My guest today is so funny. I'm so happy she's here. She's written for Chamberlain Heights. Is that the way I say it? It's Legend of Chamberlain Heights. Legend of Chamberlain Heights. Don't use the legend that shows out in the air anymore. The soul man. She is the voice of black people.

You've written for Portlandia or you were on Portlandia? Both. Both. Double dipping. Megan Nerenger. I am clapping for myself. Thank you. Thank you.

I love that you clapped for yourself. Megan, I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy to be here. It's a real treat. I adore you. Thank you. I love that you clapped for yourself. Megan, I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy to be here. It's a real treat. I adore you. I think you are so funny. And I think you're so pretty. Oh, my God.

This is such a mutual appreciation moment for us because I'm obsessed with you. I think you know that. I'm just like, I am obsessed. I asked you to do my makeup. I literally DM'd you and I was like, will you just make me you? And I was like, I don't have those colors. But I, when I first started doing improv, I think you were on Law? No.

Probably. Law Firm maybe? Yeah, let's not date me too much. So let's just say Law Firm, the last team. So you were on a Herald team, which is an improv team at UCB. And you were one of few women. It was back in the day when there was one or two women per eight person team. And you were just, you weren't loud to be funny.

Like you were funny, funny. Like you didn't have to scream over anybody. But like your points were made. And I was like, wow, what a fun way to do comedy. Oh my God. She says things and people respect it because it was so funny.

So like when I improvise, I would try sometimes to be like, you don't have to be the loudest person in the scene. You can just be cunning and smart and get your point across without being overbearing. So that was very nice to watch and learn from you. Nicole, you're making me sweat. This compliment is meaning so much to me that I'm in a full, I'm soaking wet.

It's a full body. So you've soaked me with that compliment. And that is a compliment for me because I love soaking people. Oh my God. Truly. Squish, squash, squishy. Oh, my God. Truly. Squish, squash, squishy. We're just squishing around. This chair is now a swamp.

Soaking wet about that. That's so kind. Yeah, well, I just didn't have the vocal cords to be loud. I had to do it that way. I truly, I never had vocal training, and I don't, my voice does not carry, really. It's just, it's mostly, like, cunty. So, like, I don't have, like, a loud voice, just, like, a little cunty so like I just I don't have like a loud voice just like a little cunty voice so that's a funny way to describe your voice my voice is just

cunty that's truly how I've always felt about it because it has authority but um it's a house of cards like it could crumble so easily all my authority and confidence is just like it's just it's Jenga on the last thing. I feel like most women are Jenga. Where you're like, I'm here and I am confident. And then someone says something and you're like, well, I guess I die now. Yeah, you fully found my, that little like Achilles heel, which I'm covered in. And now, yeah, I've just crumbled. Are you single right now?

Are you single right now? I feel like I'm always single because the relationships I'm in are tenuous at best. That's a good SAT word. Some of our listeners, including myself, may not know what that means. What does tenuous mean? It means it's not solid. Ah, okay. They're hanging on by just a teeny tiny thread.

And they're not generally monogamous. Okay. So, yeah, which is a bummer to me because I like monogamy. But I also really love men who are not into monogamy. Fair. And is it a thing that you discover later or is it a thing up front that's established? I think if I'm being truly honest, they're letting me know pretty quickly. I'm like throwing myself after these kind of like sexy, narcissistic alphas.

And then I'm like, I'm going to reign this, you know, wild stallion in. That's always my thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like men who don't like me back, but show me a kernel of interest. And then my brain goes, kernels pop, and they become popcorn. So we can make popcorn if you just stick on it hard enough and long enough. And that's you thinking that popcorn is nutrition and can actually keep you alive. And not even popcorn can keep you alive.

So why would even a kernel turning into popcorn be okay? I don't know. And I think in therapy, my therapist, Mary, she had me read this thing called the mother of all questions, which is very interesting. And it's a woman who is giving a speech about oh shit um sylvia plath and people were very interested in like her marital status and like not having kids or whatever and like when they were asking her questions and she was like i don't that's not a question i ever need to answer. And then she just wrote about the way that, not to deflect, but why society is so interested in women being in relationships and being married when you don't need to be. Because Mary says, women need men like a fish needs a bicycle. I think that's what she said, but I might be fucking up.

I think that's what Bono said. Oh, really? It is actually a U2 lyric because I remember hearing that. I can't believe my therapist is quoting U2 to me. I think it is this old thing. I don't know that Bono, I don't know if he made it up

or heard it from his therapist, but somebody said a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I hope it's therapist talking and not my therapist really loving that free U2 album we got a couple years ago and was repeating it back to me. She's like, this is a good nugget that even though I charged Nicole an arm and a leg,

I'm just going to throw this thing. I'm just going to tell her this. Maybe she'll get into U2. Maybe it'll be good for her. But yeah, and I think just society being like, we need partners makes you go, this shitty man will be okay because I need a partner. Well, because in my therapy, and now I'm deep in it, I've been in it for a long time, but I'm only in the last year, am I like, oh, like I'm going to like a women's group and

I'm in like, I'm really doing hardcore work on like intimacy and attachment stuff. And it's not your fault that you think you need – it's not just society. It's that our parents and the ways that they completely let us down creates attachment addictions and disorders. So like, yeah, I – my life is pretty functional without men. But it's overridden by like familial trauma that makes me think like, oh, I can fix all this like pain and stuff I didn't get from my parents with a, you know, romantic other. You know, and it's not just heterosexual. It's just like anybody who had like fucked up parenting is going to,

and there's been a million books about this, so it's not like I'm, but like you're going to be attracted to what you didn't get from your parents. Yes, and I just uncovered that with Mary literally last week. But like you're going to be attracted to what you didn't get from your parents. Yes. And I just uncovered that with Mary literally last week because I don't really like touch. I can hug people. That's great. But like I was on a date with someone and he touched my hand and I may have talked about this already. But like I felt myself pull away and I was like, why you doing this you're a attracted to this person b you're probably gonna sleep with them so why is it different now and I was explaining this to Mary and she said

well did your father touch you it not in a sexy way but like did he hug you or whatever? And I said, no, not really. And she was like, well, that might be part of it. And then we like talked a little bit more. And my sister is, she's always been thin. I've always been fat. She's always been very studious. I've always had ADD and was like, what's a buck? and was like what's a buck and and my dad I won't say liked her more but it seemed as if he was just like he it felt like he always to me was like she's doing what you should be doing she's right you're wrong so then I spent a long time trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be and then

spent a long time trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be and then rubbing up against it, being like, I won't. I'll go hard in the other way. And Mary was like, this touch from men is stemming from your dad. And I was like, oh, my God. Here I thought I had zero daddy issues and I probably have more than that. Oh, yeah Oh my goodness. I mean so much to unpack right there. First of all every parent does have a favorite if there's multiple children. It sucks to admit. Yes but it's true. But in my family I have a brother and it was my one of my brothers was my mother's favorite. And not only was he the favorite but I he was like beloved, could do no wrong, and I could do no right. That's how it felt in my house. So I have a glorious combination, fellas, of mommy and daddy issues.

But yeah, I mean, also, in your defense. I just discovered something. What? I attach myself to women because I attached myself to my mother. Yes, I was a true mummy's girl. I it was to the point where like my dad would be like, get out of our bed. And I was like, but I need more cuddles from mommy. Also, they had no alone time.

I loved knocking on that door when it was locked. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, no wonder your dad was like, I don't like you. You're a cock blocker. He would have had like three more kids. You could have been like filled with siblings. That's why he didn't like me.

He was like, she's really blocking this game. Yeah. No, truly. Your dad had blue balls because of you. Constantly. Because I was like, excuse me. Is something fun happening in there? I smell pheromones.

Time for me to wedge myself in between it. I'd like to come in. Well, yeah. But also, in your defense, I don't know what number date this was, but being touched romantically on a first date potentially is weird. It was a first date.

Yeah. And it was jarring. I was like, oh. But also, like, kissing a man to greet him feels jarring. And I never know when you should do it. Like on a date? So, like, if you go on multiple dates with someone, when do you start kissing them hello? Oh, like on the mouth?

Yes. Yes, on the mouth. Okay, well, I don't – well, something that I realized with my therapist is that the reason I stay in toxic relationships way past their expiration date is because I have so much dating anxiety that I'd rather stay with this devil that I know than put myself out there and meet new available men. So I stay and stay because dating actually gives me horrible anxiety. And that kind of question is part of it of like how am I supposed to get to know somebody or be vulnerable or and I'm really working on that and now I have like a nice light curiosity as I don't date but eventually I will but um like I had I had this thing where I thought I would never kiss on the first date at all oh like I wouldn't make out with any guys on the first date.

And I thought that meant that I had no sex issues and that I wasn't promiscuous and it made me not slutty, which is like such a lie because I would sleep with people. In my head, I thought, oh, I've waited until like the fourth date or like we've hung out for like three weeks. So I know this. And like that's still not enough time to know somebody and get intimate and then suddenly make a relationship out of something. So, yeah, all of those kinds of questions do give me anxiety. And weird attraction can make you answer that question differently. Like, you're going to sleep with somebody on the first date if you're like, fucking, this guy's hot. I'm into this.

I'll make excuses. Sometimes you sleep with them to shut them up. You've been very annoying for the last two hours. Maybe if we have sex, you'll shut up and make me cum? Oh, my God. See, Nicole, this is how we're, like, so different. How do you get physically intimate with somebody who you don't even know? I've never been able to do that.

And I love sex. I can literally sleep with someone after a handshake wait oh i've i can't even kiss somebody who i like really oh i have like a full meltdown and then it's a game of like cat and mouse where i'm like i want you to kiss me but i can't let you like i have a full nervous breakdown i think it might be because i'm like i want this man to touch me like from my little daddy issues yeah it's like i want him to like, I want this man to touch me, like from my little daddy issues. It's like I want him to kiss me. I want him to like me.

I went on a couple dates with this person, and it's been a couple weeks, and I think he likes me. I don't know. I keep asking the internet. I've literally typed into Google, how do you know when a man likes you? Which seems like an insane thing to Google because it's a full sentence, but it brought me thousands of articles. Oh, I've definitely Googled that. Thousands.

Whatever you do, as long as it's not a Yahoo answer, you're in good hands. That's how I read the internet. It's an okay answer as long as it's not Yahoo answers. Yeah. Yahoo answers, they're always misspelled. They're pretty misogynistic. They give you bad information. Do you ever go on Quora? Oh, all the time. I love Quora. That's where I get all my relationship advice. That's where like, my little hole left me. And then I was so two things that I found. One was, you may like a man, but you're probably one of six people he's dating. On average, men date six women who are on apps. And I was floored.

I almost fell down and cried and died. I have a lump in my throat right now, and I'm feeling like panic. Isn't that crazy? So upsetting. How do you have time to date six people? Well, because they're not really dating them. They're sexting and then fucking. Yeah, I guess so. But it just seems exhausting. Like I am dating two people right now. It is, but also it's exhausting. So, I guess my question is, the one you like

is the one you Googled about. How do you know if he likes you? Yes. And how many dates have you been on with him? Two. Slept with him? Yes. First date? Second date? First date, baby. Before we go on this date, let's fuck, get it out of the way, and then we'll on this date, let's fuck, get it out of the way, and then let's go get dinner.

And then we'll do the date. That is so wild. I have so many questions about how that works. Sure. Because, well, anyway, but why do you think, what's making you not know if he likes you? Because I've slept with people who I'm like, oh, they definitely like me. And then come to like two weeks later, you're like, oh, no, they definitely didn't like me. Something has shifted.

Something has changed. So also I was Googling. He said this in a text. What does that mean? And one of the things I Googled was stupid. He said, I'm looking forward to it. And I was like, but does that really mean he's looking forward to it? Oh, no.

But there were several articles that were like, yes, if he says he's looking forward to it, it genuinely means he's looking forward to it. So there are, I don't know, millions of women out there just copying and pasting text messages into Google search engines. And there are answers for you. I screenshot a couple of the things I Googled. Let me find them. It also, it is a sad state of affairs that people, I mean, before we got on, I was saying that I think the Midwest is highly passive aggressive. But it's like we're in a dating era where everything is passive-aggressive nobody's direct yes it's really hard like everybody wants to be some like magical mind reader rather than just say and be honest it is

like super fucked up it's just sort of like what would it take to just be like I like you I'm excited to see you again or I'm looking for well. But then that's also so scary because what if they're not excited to see you again? But then again, I guess it would be nice to just know. Yeah. And also being truthful about how you feel doesn't make you a loser. Mm-hmm. Like saying like, oh, I liked this person and I let them know. And then they were like, thirsty bitch.

Like what? Like a what? Like, a what? Like, you're going to get punished for being un... She's just friendly and she was letting me know that she liked me. Yeah, like, I don't understand why we think being authentic somehow makes you like a super loser, but we are... I think it's movies. Like, you know, like a manic pixie dream girl where he's like, I like you. And she's like, and I like rainbows.

And he's like, she's mysterious. I think it's been ruined. Well, true. I mean, mystery is erotic because finding out the test results is not. So, like, I get that. But I don't know. I do think, like, my adrenals can't handle games anymore. Like I can't – I don't have it in me now to be so anxious about everything.

Like I take CBD. Like I can't be high anxiety anymore. So that kind of game playing, like I just – I don't know that I'm capable of doing it the next time I really date. What apps are you on? All of them. Right, yeah. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Raya, OKCupid. I was on Coffee Meets Bagel, but it really made me angry.

You have to collect beans and then spend them on people. And that's a stupid sentence that someone said in a room and then they made that part of the app. Then I'm on Woo Plus, which is for fat people, and then another made that part of the app yeah then i'm on woo plus which is for fat people and then another one for little fatties uh called i wish it was buster i wish it was called little fatties that where'd you guys meet oh just this app called little fatties oh my god if there was little fatties i would try to get on that app just like there's like non-jews who are on j-date you're like i'm the little part of the fatties yeah i like little fatties i found an article that was i don't know what i googled to

get here but there was multiple articles about women being like i weigh more than my boyfriend and here are the obstacles i overcame and i had never thought of it till I read these articles or these op eds or whatever you want to call them. And I was floored by how insecure people are when they're in relationships. I guess I thought I would get in a relationship and then all of it would go away i'd be like good got him i'm fixed well i have this joke about whenever somebody gets engaged um the first thing you should scream is i matter because like suddenly like you're fixed and you've been like now you're vetted in society like somebody wants to do that like and it is sort of that thing of like you think the relationship is gonna i keep making everything serious and not funny but it's fine but yeah like the relationship

is not going to suddenly make you not insecure but it also is funny the other part of that is to be introduced to a new insecurity because of the internet where you were like I didn't think that it would be a big deal but now that I see that tons of women are so upset about this thing should I now be neurotic about that? And it was pictures of women who were smaller than me, like size 12, 14s, who are like barely fat. And I was like, well, if they're self-conscious with their partner, maybe I should. That's an insane thought to be like, oh, maybe that's something I should worry about. But then I have to come back to if he's sleeping with you, it's because he likes your body.

He likes what he's seeing. Then I found another article that was like men will sleep with anything. Well, right. The thing is like we think that like there is, you know, on the spectrum of let's generalize about men, there is. It's just like they'll just fucking do anything with anyone. And that is to a degree like a horny man, like kind of the majority. If your hygiene and your grooming is good so i feel like oh so i feel like for men like the tier of like what they will sleep with

is age before looks it's just like youthful they like youth and then like good hygiene just like look clean look put together look like you like don't have like you don't like smell like pig pen and then like the rest of it is like, they're just like, do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Whatever. And it's funny because I exist with my thin body in a world of thin privilege. And I totally have it. Thank you for knowing that.

Oh, I fully know it. And what I'm about to say is going to now make you maybe rage angry. But it fucking sucks too because with Instagram and now like Kardashian bodies those kind of bodies that I will never have like I will never have big titties I will never

have wide curvy hips goodbye all that although I'll tell you this Megan I think you would look insane well yeah I've done the face tune. I know what I look like. I look insanely hot. I want it.

I fucking want like juicy thick thighs. Now I want it. And while I spent all my youth even being thin thinking like it's not good enough, like something is wrong. Now I'm like, oh, fuck, men like thick women and I can never be a thick woman. And now I'm ugly. I'm scrawny. Oh, no. I mean, because what I'm saying is with size, there's just truly no winning in being an objectified woman.

There's just no win. So why? No, there isn't. And I've never thought of it in that aspect that it's like, oh, now I'm scrawny because men like thick women. And it's very interesting because it goes in trends because in the 90s it was like heroin chic, which is an insane sentence. Heroin chic. That was like a goal for people to look so emaciated that people had to wonder if they were on drugs. This woman looks like she's close to death.

I got to get in that. I got to fuck her to see if I can break all the bones. My cum will bring her back to life. It's my life juice. Yeah. Like in the 90s, that was good. And then towards the end of the 90s, it was like big old titties. And then now we're at like,

everything is voluptuous except for your waist. Your waist is teeny tiny, your titties are very big, and your hips are very big. And I wonder what the next trend will be. I hope it's like menopausal thinning. I hope like in the next 20 years, it's like, we love menopausal women who with like their butt is flattening and their waist is thickening and their hair is thinning because. Imagine women are just like, I have too much hair. They just want wispy wisps. That would really work for me. That'd be great.

We have to take a break. have to take a break and we're back baby what were you gonna say oh just that all of it is just we're under like the duress of the male gaze like we're still we're still trying to perform for for what men find like sexually attractive and part of that's just biology because we're just trying to remake the species over and over again but the other part of it is like again it's just like youth and like hygiene and and i do think like trend or no trend like men are just basically attracted to just like healthy women and it's i just i do think like the size is a trend for fashion to make fools of us and get us to spend our shekels on shit that doesn't matter but like the rest of it's just like i i think attraction it's it's kind of i don't think it's attraction is trendy and i also think society won't let men admit that they

are generally attracted to thicker women more than thin well do you remember that man who loved his curvy wife i love that man who loves his curvy wife? I love that man who loves his curvy wife. Thank God he's in the ether to distract me from the rest of things. I don't know how long I laughed about that. I still sometimes will think about that curvy wife and laugh because she's not big. She's a normal-sized woman. She's like a size 12 or 10 or something. Well, average.

Average-sized, yes. Slightly smaller than average. woman she's literally sorry for the word like normal but like she's average average size yes slightly smaller than average yes and it was and his post was like my friends would make fun of me for liking curvy women i was like who are these friends who are they oh yeah it's i can't imagine a man looking at another man being being like, you fucking loser. You like big old titties and a body on a person. Oh, I mean, the last person I dated, I came to find out he liked big women. Oh. Like big women.

And I was like, you have found the wrong size type for what you're attracted to. How did you find out that he liked big women? He was cheating on me with big women. This, oh my God, this is like this book called Jemima J that I'm literally obsessed with. So this woman, Jemima, loses a bunch of weight and she meets this guy on the internet. She flies from England to LA. He owns a gym. They're fucked.

They're having a great time. Then she finds out that he's cheating on her with his assistant, Jenny, who's fat. You are living the book! Need to check it out. It's in my brain. How big were these ladies? I would say

the fetish was plus-sized models. Wow! Like a curvy 16 or something. Oh, yeah. Big, thick, big ass, ass big thighs big titties that is so i guess yeah i guess men are programmed to hide that they like bigger women which is a it's such a weird fucking thing oh i had a had a ex, I remember, like, because I've always just pretty much been thin. Like, there's I'm just not going to be a big

person. It's just not. My mom was like, and even that guy who was not monogamous with me, the other women that he was engaging with were much bigger than me. And he would say things like, you need to gain weight. No! Oh, yeah. to gain weight. No!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Megan! Yes, yes, yes. This sucks because truly this just confirms that no woman is enough. No woman is ever perfect because I spent a long time growing up being like, well, if I was just a little smaller, if I was just, you know, thinner, a man will like me and want me. And then I became sexually active and realized that, like, men will have sex with me.

Men will go out with me. Yeah, it's just. See, I know that there is thin privilege, but this idea that thin women are happier is a lie. Yeah. Like in terms of being treated better. No woman's happy. Like no one. Because just being a woman.

It's very hard. Yeah. That's so. Thinness is so overrated. And I say that as a thin person, but it's the most overrated thing in the world. It truly is. It's not like – this is why – I mean, I think about you a lot because of your confidence. Like you go on Instagram and you post this like so fat, so brave hashtag, right?

You literally wear bikinis and put your body out there more than I ever have in my entire life. Like I won't even go to like a Korean spa and get naked in front of other people because of like shyness and shame. I won't either because the only time I really like to be naked naked is if I'm fucking. Like, I won't even go to, like, a Korean spa and get naked in front of other people because of, like, shyness and shame. I won't either because the only time I really like to be naked naked is if I'm fucking. Well, yeah. And no one's fucking you

at a Korean spa. They're giving you facials. And that's not the facial I want when I'm naked. No, I... No, but you have a... You do... You have more body confidence

than me. For sure. For sure. Oh, my gosh. Like... And that, to to me is very strange but see to me it's not it's society would say that's strange and fucked up that's how we've been programmed but to me i'm like no you love yourself more than i love myself and that and

somewhere that programming is there like no matter what society tells me, you're like, I love myself. I'm not going to deny myself my pool, this experience. But like you celebrate yourself in a way that I'm waiting till I'm like 90 to be like, well, I guess we look pretty good, Meg. We're hot. We have a hot set. Like I can't bring myself to it.

Do you wear bikinis or do you wear one pieces? I wear bikinis because my best asset is my abs. I guess best, which, you know, I naturally have nice, nice tummy. You also have a beautiful face, nice fingers, good legs and good old titties and a great butt. Your whole package is one I wouldn't return. Oh, my God, Nicole. I wouldn't return to send her. Full sweat again. Oh, my God, Nicole. I wouldn't return to Sender. Full sweat again.

Full damn sweat. No, but also, I don't know. My mom was so incredibly gorgeous. Like, heartbreaking. You look a lot like your mother. Thank you. Very nice. But, like, my mom was mean to me.

Okay. And I grew up looking so weird. I did not. I was such a late bloomer. And I did look a lot like my dad growing up and I really look like both my parents if you look at both their pictures and my mom would sort of use as a weapon like you're your father you look like your father like you're your dad like you look so much like dad's family in a way that was meant to be an insult because her family was gorgeous and my father's family in a way that you know which is just the the insult of a woman who was using weaponry yeah um so I internalized that and I was like I guess I'm not very attractive I guess I'm ugly um which is like I know and

there's times when I definitely feel cute um and I'm trying to pretend that I'm cute. This is a weird thing to admit on your part, but, like, your Instagram is very inspirational for me because your confidence, like, makes me want to post a photo that, like, I look cute today. And it, like, helps me self-esteem myself a little bit because I have so much trouble feeling that way. And I see yours, and I'm like, oh.

You're going to make me cry. I see yours, and I'm like, she loves herself so much trouble feeling that way. And I see yours and I'm like, you're going to make me cry. I see yours and I'm like, she loves herself so much. The reason I do it is because I spent so much time hating my face, hating my body, hating my hair, hating how dark I was. And I would say it's weird. Moving to LA kind of, actually, no,

not moving to, moving to LA is when I like really embraced my body body, but like embracing my body and clothing and my face, just that this is the face I was going to have forever happened around like 18. I started wearing very tight clothing and I was working at Lane Bryant, which is a fat lady store. If you don't know, I know. And my manager would always say do you really think that's appropriate to wear

and at first I was like oh I guess yeah I guess it is like a little too tight and it's like showing off my rolls or whatever but then I would just look at myself and be like but I like how I look I would rather wear something tighter than baggy because baggier would make me look bigger. And this is my body and I think I'm okay with it. And then I discovered makeup and like wigs and weaves. And I was like, I can add on to me. And then moving here is when I started going out

in public without makeup, which was a huge step. I used to always have my face covered in some sort of concealer or something. And then I went to Palm Springs with Marcy Giroux. And I had only brought bikinis that I had bought like two years ago. And I said, Marcy, I only brought bikinis. And I'm going to take pictures and I'm going to hashtag I'm very fat, very brave, because it's so brave when someone just has a body. And we tee hee heed. And then that was the end of that. And then from that day on I truly was like I'm gonna wear sleeveless things I'm gonna show my little tum tum I'm gonna wear

exactly what I want to wear and understand that like I'll have bad days but like you'll have more good days than bad days so like truly it was a real fucking journey but i mean fucking bless that journey because you look so good your makeup you like look at your nails right now i'm like oh my god who's doing your nails why don't your nails look so good i go to pampered hands on okay no yeah i literally have one yellow middle finger because i tried on nail polish but none of the others but um your nails are always great. We met at Little Dom's for dinner that night and you walked in. We gotta do it again. Oh, I think I was wearing a faux fur coat. Yes. And you had your head wrapped in this gorgeous

scarf and earrings and glasses, like a different pair of. Yes, I think I was wearing floral glasses. I was doing a lot. It was a lot of patterns, a lot of mixing, a lot of matching. Yeah, I mean, you looked unbelievable. And I was like, oh, you've just brought so much fun to everybody's life in this room. You've changed the you've changed just the energy of the room of just like, oh, yeah, right. We're on this earth for how long? And here's somebody who's like just living the fuck up because just trying to live and it looked

so good people don't like it they can be damned yeah no my mother was um a party person she liked to entertain she was one of the loudest people i think think, in America. Her laugh, my sister was like, you can hear it from Jupiter. Like she just is so loud. And I think, and I like really clung to her. And I just liked her energy. And I think I really inherited a lot of her energy. She's nicer than I am. Or she was nicer than I am.

But I, every day is a fucking journey and I'm trying very hard to be less petty and less catty and I've been at night trying to say hello universe please let me do a nice thing today because it's really hard to be a nice person sometimes. Yeah. Yes, I agree, especially with Instagram. It is so hard. Yeah. Yeah. Instagram really lends itself to looking at people's things and then being like, well, why did they get that? Why do they look like that?

Oh, yeah. They're very happy. And then you'll read things where people are like, just tearing down the walls of the facade of Instagram. And I'm so sad. And you're like, Oh, boy. Yeah. Okay. It's an unwinnable app. There's there is there's no winning Instagram. It's a tiny horror show for everybody. So and lately, I'm like trying to have compassion rather than like pettiness, but it's so hard. So like, I like try not to look at it after 9pm. Now, so i don't get into a hole i call it powering down and it is get into so many holes oh my god it has improved my life i'm just getting off sometimes check in on the curvy wife she's doing well she's still married

so well they're still married okay good they have since moved they've relocated i believe to arizona and she has so many followers. And she wears so many outfits. And I think that's how she gets paid, by posting outfits. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, they're doing great. His name's Trip. Her name is Sassy Red Lipstick.

And they're crushing it. I mean, so I know that you're like, you are like, I don't need to get married. I don't necessarily want kids. Like, I know. Do you still feel that way? Is that just kind of like not going anywhere and you're like? I don't think it's going to go anywhere. People keep telling me it's going to change.

I'm trying to write a joke about it right now because everyone's like, when you hit 30, you want a baby. And I see babies and I'm like, oh, I want them. But I'm like, but what's the way to get a baby sex you're horny you hit 30 and you are horny and a baby the means to a baby is sex I think we're all just horny and having kids that we shouldn't be having I think that's what's going on but I do not want kids I do not want to not be selfish um I don't want to have to spend my money on something other than myself. You're your own kid. I am my own kid.

And I spend money like I'm a fucking kid sometimes. I just thought of this yesterday because I was like, if I don't ever have kids, I'm going to. Do you want kids? I'm very ambivalent. Like I say I do and I say I do and I say I do. And then I just like keep getting abortions. So I guess I don't. And I keep getting abortions.

No, I'm just kidding, listeners. Or not. Listen, abortions need to be normalized and it really bums me out that – like I'm pro-life in a way where if it's out of the womb and wanted and live it, let's keep it alive. Let's put it on a school lunch program and let's fucking help it if there's no money there. I love that you keep calling it it. You really don't want kids. I fucking hate kids. But I mean, it's scientific that a baby's not a baby until it's a baby. Right.

Yeah. So I'm – it sounds insane. Like, I'm – not insane, but, like, I'm for choosing. Like, I don't know what I would do in that situation. Right now I say I'd probably have an abortion, but maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think until you're in the situation –

Yeah, you don't know. Yeah, which is why it's none of men's business. It really isn't. Because they'll never be in that situation. Never, never. Unless a man gets pregnant, they shouldn't have a say. No, I mean, pro-choice, obviously. But I think I really do want kids. I think I've just been scared because of my attachment stuff.

Like, I'm terrified of losing a child. And I'm like. And that's a thing that needs to be normalized. A lot of women have miscarriages. Oh, yeah. Miscarriages or stillbirths? Yes. Or their kid dies

when the kid is little or the kid gets sick? A 90-day fiance, spoiler alert, Karini, her baby died in the womb. Oh, see. And it was,

and I don't think they should have aired it. They did air a warning that it might be triggering, but like, Did it happen while she was filming the show? Yeah, and they like showed the doctor telling her the news. It was to me in a necessary part. I think we could have cut to after maybe a confessional. We're not watching that show for

that. Yeah. No, I'm watching the show for the goofy antics. Yeah. And I think they thought it was a heartfelt moment. But I was like, I think this is invasive. I do not think that that was right. I don't like that. Also, abortion's illegal in Ireland. And I said to, did you know that? Wait, didn't they just make it legal? Oh, did they? I think they just made it legal.

Well, it was illegal. And I was watching it with my roommate, you know, John Milhiser. And I said, John, abortion's illegal in Ireland. So if she was in Ireland Ireland she would have to carry that to full term and then John goes are you sure about that and I was like no and he's like Nicole dead babies don't get bigger I was like oh

he was like did you think a dead baby would just get bigger for nine months it keeps growing but then it's just born to oh my god oh my god. Oh my god. And I was like,

I guess I'm dumb. I'm the dumbest person that's ever lived. No, I used to lick post-it notes, like stamps. And they wouldn't stick. And they wouldn't stick. And I was like, post-it notes are the worst invention ever because they never fucking stick. Because I was fucking licking them like stamps.

Oh, man. That makes me so happy. As an adult. Like, in the last 10 years. Maybe one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I would love to see someone in an office just licking Post-its and being like, well, I guess I'll never get that note. Yeah, I mean, why do Megan's memos always smell like her breath? I don't... Very funny. I'm trying to think of another

stupid thing I've said. Oh, as an adult, I said on stage, women only have two eggs. And I was in a scene with Sashira and she went, what? And I was like, um, women only have two eggs. And she was like, well, and it have two eggs and she was like, well, and it was very much like Sashira not the character. She's like, describe to me what you think is going on. I was like, you know those two eggs and then the tubes and she's like, ovaries?

And I was like, uh-oh. And here's my thing. Why didn't we name them differently? Those look like eggs in a woman. Ovaries, the two little ovaries look like eggs. Well, yes. So why aren't those called eggs and then the little eggs called ovaries? Wait, what?

Nicole, no. It makes so much sense. They're ovaries because they hold ovum. They hold eggs. What's an ovum? An egg. It's Latin. Oh, no.

This has been in my heart for so long and I feel real dumb again. They're literally egg sacks. They hold... Okay, so it does make sense and my brain doesn't make sense. It's okay. No!

Oh boy. This is where I'm like, oh, I would be a bad teacher because it's almost... Cunty voice came out and I'm like, it's almost a pun. No, it wasn't cunty.

Yeah, I'm like, because... Someone should have taught that better in school for me. Because it's almost, cunty voice came out and I'm like, it's almost a pun. No, it wasn't cunty. Yeah, I'm like, because. Someone should have taught that better in school for me. I had no idea. So what, does the fallopian tube hold fallopies? I know so little about my reproductive system. But now I just learned my ovaries are ovums, they hold the eggs. Yes.

And then the fallopian tube is the highway for the eggs. A hundred percent. Yes. And then they swim around in your cervix. Nobody knows that sperm swims. Eggs don't swim. So what, they float? They float around?

They bop? They're just bopping in the air? They travel. They get released once a month from either side. And this is not my period. When they're released, it's ovulation. Whoa. The ovulation cycle.

And then they travel down the fallopian tube, and they sit in the uterus hoping just for like a mere three days, please, cummy, come and get me, cummy. Please come. Come to me. And if there's no cummies. Then there's a period. Then the period comes, yeah.

Oh, boy. Listeners, you just learned, or you just listened in real time as I learned about periods. How gross! I'm 32 or 33. I don't know. I celebrated my 40th birthday this year because I don't care about age anymore. Oh, my God. And we made a banner.

And guess what? You can't just hang that up at Dave and Buster's. They get mad. Yeah. I can't believe I just learned about periods. That's amazing. As a 40-year-old woman. I did have, like, nervousness that I wasn't describing it correctly.

I think you did. As I was telling you, I was like, wait, is this right? But I think I did. Marissa, is that correct? Sounds right. Yeah. A room of three women and we're like. I mean, can I ask you something so hugely personal?

Yes. So like you have like a lot of sex. Yes. I used to have a lot of sex. And then about a year and a half ago, it really stopped. Deliberately? Like you were like, I'm going to stop? Or you were just like?

So I had, like, an on and off thing with this person for, like, three years. And then when we were off, I would have sexual partners. And then when that ended, I was, like, kind of, like, really upset. And it didn't end well or bad. It was just, like, this middling thing that had happened. And I guess my juju or my confidence with men kind of went with that.

And then I was like, ugh, so now I'm working and I'm on these apps and I don't really have time for this. Because it's like, in order to have sex with someone, you have to meet them or invite them into your home.

Well, you could also just cyber. But I'm like you almost don't have to meet them or invite them into your home. But yeah, sexting and FaceTime sex. I know I'm not into it either. I can't do that. You got to come in me. I'm just kidding. You got to wear a condom if you're going to come in me, which is not like coming in me. Just kidding. You gotta wear a condom if you gonna come in me,

which is not like coming in someone. Anyway, so then I kind of stopped having a lot of sex. And then I don't love to go to men's houses. I like to have the power. So I can be like, you go, you leave. Get out of my space. That's so interesting because I would think like, I don't want the men in my space.

Because then they're like fucking up my like, the energy in my sacred home. Well, then I bought my space. That's so interesting because I would think I don't want the men in my space because then they're fucking up the energy in my sacred home. Well, then I bought my house and then I was like, no, no, no. Okay. And then I've since had two people over. One was very bad. He was wild and blacked out. And then I was like, oh, no. So I don't have anyone over.

I have to go to your place. Out call only. Got it. Yes. Out call only. And if you don't know what that means, read a book. anyone over. I have to go to your place. Out call only. Got it. Yes. Out call only. And if you don't know what that means, read a book. Says the woman who just learned about periods.

Touche. So yeah, like a year and a half ago, I stopped having a lot of sex, which was a bummer because I'm truly horny. Morning, noon, and night. Oh, I get horny morning, noon, and night. Oh, I get it. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I want to eat a dick or a butt.

Wait, do you do that? Of course I eat butt. You eat men's ass? Of course I do. I'll look first to see if it's clean. And then once you do it once, they'll clean it for you. Or they'll make sure it's clean

see I have no problems receiving love it I mean I get it it's just like I like it

I love that the body is just a buffet I really do but I don't want to cook I like I don't want to I don't want to do the work for the buffet

I like to that's a lot of work I mean I don't want to I've never eaten ass I'm I like to – that's a lot of work. I mean, I don't want to – I've never eaten ass. I'm not judging it, but I'm like, wow, that's – You can judge all you want. Yeah. I met you in a full fur coat and a scarf and colorful glasses.

I don't care. That's a rare treat if a woman eats ass. Maybe I'm wrong. I do. Maybe it's a new generation. I'll eat your butt. I'll play with your taint. I'll tickle your balls.

I will just do the whole full service oil change down there. Now, does that, it's erotic for you? It turns you on to do it? I like pleasing somebody. I'm a pleaser. Okay, yeah, that's hot. Although if I really like a man,

I get nervous about pleasing them, which is a very weird thing where I'm like, I don't know if I'm doing this right, and I just want you to like me. Am I doing this? Is it right? If I don't care about you, I'll just do what I do, and I know that it's going to please you.

Because it's just sex stuff. Yes. It's not actual emotional. If there's emotion attached to it, and then I'm going to see you again, then I want to make sure that it was good but then also like it does make sex I think better because I'll ask questions

if I'm just going to fuck you one time yeah I'm not talking to you. Has there have you ever gone towards the taint or the asshole and a guy has balked and been like no thank you. Yes I slept with this one guy where I was heading down there

and he was like, not for me. But I'll tell you something. He was not for me. Yeah. He, when he ate me out, kicked his feet. And in my old bedroom, there's a big mirror on my closet, and my eyes were closed, and I was like, oh, this feels good. And then I opened them, and his feet were off the bed,

and he was kicking them. Oh, my God. Just like a slight quiver of a kick, and I almost started laughing the hardest I've ever laughed while someone's eating me out but then I was just like you don't have are you is this okay for you and he was like yeah is it okay for you and I was like yes and then he like went back down and then the feet just kept going no that's crazy he's like oh my god that is so wild It was the most disconcerting thing I'd ever seen. I was like, oh no.

That's so wild. Oh my God, that is so funny. That is so funny. It was very, very silly. And then I had a real slutty phase where I was just like, on the app, swiping, swiping, swiping. It's when I was in my apartment. I didn't really care who,

because I figured I was like, I want the control to kick you out. swipe, and it's when I was in my apartment. I didn't really care who, because I figured I was like, I want the control to kick you out. Also, John is home sometimes, or I can call him to be like, come home, get this person out, whatever. Also, it's an apartment, so I don't really care if you know where I live. There's so many doors. Which one's the right one?

That's your security system in that apartment. You think that they're going to get confused by the door? Yes. They'll be like, I know it was one of these doors, but which one? I'll never know. This guy came over, and so I slept with him, and it was fine. And then our friend Veronica was like, I'm going to a strip club.

Come. So I said, okay. So they went to a strip club and then we got a lap dance together. And I was like, this is a real interesting step in our friendship. Oh, you and Veronica, not you and the guy. No, not the guy. He left. Veronica and I go to a strip club, Cheetahs, get a dual lap dance.

And then I like got home and this guy had messaged me. He's like, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, ooh, I'm still horned up. Come on over. So I was like, Nicole,

in one day you fucked two men and got a friend. I had a slutty summer. I had a slutty summer where I was dating two guys and there was an overlap and that's the kind of day that will get you a UTI

and a yeast infection. I'll tell you what. I don't get them. But that summer, I was like, oh, yeah. It is interesting that your vagina is truly like, I'm looking out for you, girl. Oh, yeah. This is too much. Yeah.

Yeah. She was my vagina. She's a she. She was like, we're not doing this. No, we can't do this. But it's funny. It makes you feel like a stud it does and i understand why men like to fuck multiple people because you're like i'm the queen

of everything yes yes people are coming all around me and i'm doing it i call it the dicknado when you're like at the center of this like dick storm and all the dicks want to talk to you and hang with you and it's like oh i'm at the center of my dicknado i all the dicks want to talk to you and hang with you and it's like oh i'm at the center of my dicknado i fucking love that i just went to the gynecologist do you have a male or female gynecologist female i went to a male one because he was the only one open on saturdays i find them suspicious can't help it well it is a little weird but then on his yelp page the first sentence is i am a male gynecologist. And I was like, good. He's not trying to trick nobody. And then I didn't know, because I've only gone to female gynecologists, that a woman, I think, has to be in the room.

With the man? Yes. I hope so. I think that's good. I think it's good, too. I don't know if it's a hard rule, but it did make me feel more comfortable, even though she looked at the ceiling the whole time. And I was like, well, if he's doing something bad, you're not looking. Also, that is so rejecting.

Like, just look at me. Look at me in the eyes as this man roots around. Hold my hand. Look me in the eye. Pet my head. But also, I'm like, what kind of man gets into gynecology to lick sick pussies? Yeah, this is what I'm saying. That's so gross.

First of all, it's just not erotic. No. So maybe they're like, okay, interested, and that's the feel. But I'm just rooting around in a pussy for medical reasons. Yes. I understand the sisterhood of wanting to do that. You're dealing with maternity, or you're dealing with just, like, vaginal health or you're having, like, difficult conversations. But a guy who's like, whoa, we gotta.

I'm like, what? Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me. It's very weird. Someone brought up, I can't remember who it was, but they were like, don't you think it's weird that Bill Cosby chose to be a gynecologist on her show? And I was like, that is nuts. Everybody, all these abusers have a tell. They all leave breadcrumbs.

It's really crazy. Oh, yeah. That he was like, I'm a gynecologist, which means I can write prescriptions for certain medicines or whatever and like do whatever. Like, that's crazy. And Louis C.K., you better believe I got my little hands on i love you daddy oh my god and it is nuts that he has this girl chloe whatever running around just going i love you daddy and in the way she does it is vaguely sexual and also he says the n-word in under 10 minutes. And I was like,

I wonder if that was a conscious choice where he was like, let's see if I can knock this out before 10 minutes into the movie. He's not, yeah. And he's back, baby. You better believe he did back-to-back sets at the cellar. You know what's really funny when people defend him?

Because I have female friends who are like, but he's really funny. I don't know if what he did was so bad. And I have female friends who are like, but he's really funny. I don't know if what he did was so bad. And I was like, first of all, first of all, do we need to laugh that hard?

That you can't get rid of this fucking destroyer of women's world? You need to laugh that hard? His jokes are so on point. There's not a million other people who are just as funny. Just as fucking funny.

I don't understand this need to be like, but they're funny. I'm like, no, this is patriarchy and protecting white men and patriarchy. It's crazy to me because I wasn't at the show. This is hearsay. But one of the jokes that he told when he made his grand return

was boyfriend shirts for his kid and then went into a run about how, he was like, well, why is it a boyfriend shirt? Is there some dude fucking my kid? I think his kid is nine or like 10. She's not a teenager, I know that. And I was like, so you think it's okay to show your dick to women who didn't want it

even though you asked, can I show you my dick? And they said yes, because you're in a powerful position. You think it's okay now to joke about sex? With mothers? Sexualizing your daughter? Your nine-year-old kid, yeah. Like, you are a piece of shit, and I do think you need to go away.

I think had he gone away, my money was on, he'd go away for a full year, come back, drop a special, self-release it, the way he's been doing things, and it was an hour about Me Too, sexual assault, and the things he's been doing things. And it was an hour about Me Too, sexual assault, and the things he had done in a way that he understands why it's wrong. But then I was like, oh, I guess I gave him too much fucking credit.

Do you remember his apology? Yeah. He's like, I'm a hero to many. It was not an apology. So that expectation that he was going to somehow be reformed. Yeah. And people are like, why the female rage? I don't understand why women are so angry. Because that whole Kavanaugh thing.

I mean, not to truly get into it, but how triggering. How triggering to have to watch that woman stay calm, cool, and collected while this man loses his mind and no one calls him like – the only people calling him hysterical and unprofessional are women. Oh. He was so clearly an abuser, narcissist. Yes. Narcissist, gaslighting. It was so – anybody who's – any woman who's been in a relationship with an abuser were like, that's abuse. That's gaslighting.

Like, holy fucking – Yes. Also, he's clearly still an alcoholic. Yes. He's like – even if he's like a dry drunk, like, I's abuse, that's gaslighting, like holy fucking. Also, he's clearly still an alcoholic. Yes. He's like, even if he's like a dry drunk, like I was like, is he drunk right now? What's a dry drunk? They're maybe not. They leave the beer out till it gets hard and then they eat it?

I hate you, Nicole Byer. I've always hated you. But what's a dry drunk? It's where maybe they're not drinking, but their alcoholism is still emotional. So let's say they're still alcoholics in their rage, in their abuse, but they're not imbibing, but they haven't done any of the work to be a emotionally sober person. Interesting. So they're still abusive. So you're teaching me so much.

I'm in so much recovery right now that like um i'm learning a lot too but uh yeah it's it was very curious and then when trump truly sorry for getting a little political but like it's it's been on my mind and it's been so upsetting when trump made fun of her and was like i had one beer i can't remember this i can't remember that i'm like you're literally describing date rape. Oh, yeah. You are literally describing drugging a woman. Like, you are literally cosigning her story by doing that. Yes.

Well, we are being, I mean, we're being gaslit by the entire administration. We're being, this entire administration is pathological abusers. Our president is a pathological abuser. And we're meant to be like, people are like, but my 401k is good. So that's supposed to be okay. Yeah, it's honestly, I feel insane. I would say 99% of the time right now.

And then what's her name? Susan Collins, who was like, I'm pushing to vote for it. But that just means she's pushing for the vote, which means she could vote no later. She has. But in the past, I read today that she's voted what she said she would vote. Like, so she's voted. She's she's a fucking she, you know, we all know she has. She's a white woman who gets advantages from making the patriarchy stay powerful.

So, of course, why would she vote a different way? 53% of white women voted for Trump. Here's the weirdest thing. Why do we have lifetime appointments to any part of our government? People get old. I love Ruth, but she's old. Oh my god, she better stay fucking alive. She has to stay alive.

We have to weekend at Bernie's Ruth. I was just about to say that. We have to weekend at Bernie's Ruth. Someone better make her a little puppet. Alana Kagan are just holding her up. Everything is so wild to me. Oh wait, I need to ask you. Megan, would you date me?

Oh, my God. Nicole, I'm trying every day. Oh. Like, I want to spend so much time with you. I would let you eat my ass, by the way. Thank you. I'm good at it. I'm halfway through laser.

Big, long licks. Oh, my God. I'm halfway through laser therapy, so pretty soon I'm going to be. Laser therapy? Well, yeah, laser hair removal. You you're gonna get rid of your pussy hair too i'm getting rid of almost everything but why the pussy hair well like you don't is this a personal preference this is a personal preference because i live in la now and people have pool parties and i'm now old enough that i've been like i don't have to keep shaving or or waxing. Like, I could just, all of my friends got laser hair removal, and they're like, it's so easy, and it's like, and they're so smooth.

Here's the nice thing about being fat. A fupa will cover all that pussy hair. You know, it's funny because my vagina is so tiny. It's like the size of a tiny little thimble, but the pussy hair is everywhere. Oh, there you go. No, I'm kidding. A big old bush with a little thimble, but the pussy hair is everywhere. Oh, there you go. No, I'm kidding. A big old bush with a little thimble in it. Yeah, yeah. No, I just

I'm just so tired of dealing with shaving it or waxing it. Fair. Next time we go out, I'm going to make you play a fun game. I only do it in public, where I make people draw a picture of their pussy. Oh. It's my favorite thing to do. That's an incredible game. Because they're so different.

Oh, it's like snowflakes. Yes. Pussies are snowflakes. Megan, do you have anything that you want to promote? I guess right now I would just promote my Twitter and Instagram

because that's where I promote everything that I have coming up. And it's just, those are sort of my website. So, at Megan Nerenger for both. And it's just that's those are sort of my website. So at Megan Nerenger for both. And that's where I put all my dates and things when I'm going to be on things. Perfect. And if you have a chance to see Megan live, you should do it because she just the funniest.

And if you like this episode of the podcast, please rate it five stars on iTunes. And if you send me something dirty i will read it so lily fluff bottom wrote to me hello ms buyer i am deeply intrigued by the taste smell and texture of your vagina so if you know let me know peach emoji peach emoji This is troubling. How you smelling and tasting my pussy and I don't know you? Do you live in my house and are you a ghost? Okay, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.