Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Validate Bisexuality (w/ Sherry Cola)

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

Comedian Sherry Cola (Joy Ride, Turning Red) shares her journey of coming out as bisexual, how she met her girlfriend, navigating dating in the queer community, and monetizing a breastmilk kink.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/RH4fK4ksCNsWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message," and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Sponsors:Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/dateme.Betterhelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.Follow Nicole Byer: Website: nicolebyerwastaken.comInstagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A podcast where Meenacle Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single for so long. Even though you could come in, come in some breaded things and just say, babe, that's not cum, that's mozzarella sticks. Thank you, Sherri. Or a baby bell, you know, just a little unzip of that. It's just a dash. One little baby bell. You know?

Wow, straight to jizz. I love it. My guess, today. I'm a reader. This is my iPad. Usually I have paper, but I've upgraded. It's a hilarious comedian and actress that you know from films like Joyride,

which is fun, Turning Red, which was incredible. I watched it with a friend and we te-he-he-he-he-he the whole time. And the freeform series, Good Trouble, her new show, nobody wants this, is now streaming on Netflix at I Met Sherry, doing a live reading of Wayne's World, a movie I had never seen. Really?

Never in my whole life. It was a cold read. Well, yes. I, I'm known- You were fantastic. I was known to never really do prep. So it was a cold reading. No, I have to say, the big shock is that you and I just met.

Yes! And it's funny because I've heard your name so much. I've seen your face so much. Likewise. And I like thought I knew you, but then when you were like, hello, I was like, no. Not even on B bumble nothing nothing We didn't never we've never crossed paths was just so wild because you're so funny and wonderful But you know what the it was worth the wait the people were edging they were edging Did you know edging is a thing that Gen Z says I sound so old no we're both 22 sticks to the script

Yes, I am 22. I was born in 19... 2000? I think the app goes by like... Wait, if I'm 22, I was born in... 2002? No math. Me either. Despite the rumors. Where were you in 2002?

Was that 9-11? No, that was 2001. Today's 9-11. How are you celebrating? I'm kidding. Oh! So, how do I ask this without being corny? I always think it's so corny to ask about people's sexuality

or whatever. Oh, sure. But you said once that you're like in a cul-de-sac of liking straight women. Yeah, that was years ago. I do remember exactly where I said it. So how did you find out how to get to the gay women? Trial and error for sure. But I remember when I first realized I liked girls,

it was this girl that was bisexual openly, and it was so refreshing that I was like, whoa, this is, you know, so cool. She's so cool with her leather jacket, whatever. And panda tattoo. A leather jacket and a panda tattoo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leather jacket and a panda tattoo.

Leather jacket and a panda tattoo. We are Gen, yeah. Leather jacket and a panda tattoo. Leather jacket and a panda tattoo. We are Gen Z. We are, we're young. I was born in 2020. Yeah, but I'd always been queer and I identify as bisexual. And looking back, I definitely had crushes and with the overnight BFFs and the sleepovers

and I didn't realize it. I remember I had a friend who invited me over, and we were just hanging out on her bed. Her head was on my shoulder, and we were watching Rent. Logline. The gagest, the gagest thing I've ever heard. And I remember just not breathing, you know? And it was funny because at this time,

I liked this guy who then became my first boyfriend. So once again, bisexuality. So looking back, I was like, oh, but it wasn't until I was 20 that I had a crush on leather jacket and panda tattoo. And it kind of activated me in a way, right? Where I'm so grateful now that that happened because I never expressed my feelings because I was just so confused and honestly terrified. I mean, it is scary because you're fed a lot of heterosexual shit growing up.

It's like the Disney movies and all rom-coms. Totally. And I remember coming out to my best friend while she was doing my makeup for the birthday party of Leather Jacket and Panda Tattoo. And I was just like crying, crying, like she couldn't get the eyeliner on. But that was such a weight off my shoulders just telling my best friend Christine.

And since then, you know, I'd been openly bisexual with my circle of friends and it wasn't until I booked the show Good Trouble in 2018 where I had the opportunity to play this queer character that had the potential of being a role model. That's when I had the conversation with my mom and came out to her because I thought I had to spread my wings IRL, because that was the one conversation left

for me to really feel liberated. And then how did your mom take it? the one conversation left, you know, for me to really feel like liberated. So. And then how did your mom take it? It wasn't, you know, a quick conversation. It took her a second to process and wrap her head around, of course, because, you know, although she loves me so unconditionally, she grew up in Shanghai where, you know,

this isn't the norm, you know? She wasn't watching shows like The L Word growing up. I mean, I was. I fucking love The L Word. Love The L Word. The real L Word, lasagna. Yes, I do love lasagna. We'll talk more about that later.

I truly was stopped dead. I was like, lasagna? Yeah. Name another L Word. Lucy's. Name a movie. Um, Fast and the Furious. Oh, wait, The Book of the Rings.

Fuck. No, I- Liar, liar. Legend of the Hidden Temple. No, that's a TV show on Nickelodeon. You didn't have cable. I'm sorry to bring it up again. I didn't.

It's okay. But yeah, like I think there's shame naturally in human beings when it comes to the unknown, right? And what you're not exposed to. And I had to learn to have empathy and patience with my mom with this queer conversation. And now we're here in 2024 and she's definitely so much more open and sees the impact I'm making with using my voice in the queer space. And of course, the AAPI space,

but it's kind of all for a reason, you know? So she's definitely awoke now. I like that. I always think it's so weird when people have an issue with it, cause I'm like, I'm not fucking you. I'm not like, I'm not gonna like, in your eyes open and make you watch me fuck somebody. The theme is just mind your own business.

Kind of. You know? It like really rocks my world. I was having a conversation with a friend and I was like, I think it's so weird that people have to like grapple with sexuality and like they have to like really think about it and it's like a thing.

And she was like, people aren't like you, Nicole. You just make choices and then do them and then think about it and it's like a thing. And she was like, people aren't like you, Nicole. You just make choices and then do them. And then think about it later. And I was like, oh, I never really thought about it like that. Yeah, I just do what makes me happy. You know, like the first time I hooked up with a girl, it was just like, she was like close to me and smiling at me. And I was like, what are you doing?

She was like, oh, I want to kiss you. And I was like, oh, okay. All right. That's beautiful. That's literally beautiful because as humans, we should just follow our instincts. That's literally beautiful because as humans, we should just follow our instincts. That's right. And trust our gut.

Sheri, I think everyone's a little gay. Period. That's the tote bag. Yeah, just like a little. Yeah. Like, it doesn't even have to be full, but like. You've had the thoughts and when you see Vin Diesel, anyone who sees Vin Diesel.

And I just read this thing, it was on Instagram. I spent too much time on it. But it was like, it was this woman saying, she was like, if you think about masculinity and heterosexual men, the love in their life is usually another man who they revere, who they love. They're not like maybe sharing their most deepest, darkest, intimate secrets, but it's like,

my boys, I love that, this pretty is, this pretty is gay. Affection, you know, and I think it is so fluid, you know? There are no rules, and I think embracing the fact that there are no rules is the way to go. And I think, you know, as we keep having these conversations and calling shit out, like, I hope that people will just be more flexy. I hope so too. And I hope men who are straight, like, hug their friends. Tell their friends they love them.

Kiss a dude. Kiss a man. Just kiss a man. You know, you'll have a nice time. You don't know what oat milk was before you tried it? Here's the thing. When did we all switch to oat milk? I don't understand. Now it's become this like oat milk.

You know what I'm saying? I got yelled at the other day. Just automated response. I said almond milk and someone was like, do you know how much water is used to make almond milk? And I was like, it's not my fucking fault. It was invented. This is what I'm used to.

I recently got on board with pistachio milk. What the fuck? We're about three minutes. Why do they keep coming up with more milks? We're about three minutes from breast milk being at Starbucks. Okay. I'm predicting it now.

I watched a documentary called Unusual Sex and there was a woman who had a baby, kept lactating, and then her partner at the time was like, I like this breast milk. So she kept pumping and now she's a sex worker and her specialty is feeding men breast milk. Interesting. There's really a gap in the market for everything.

Everything. Well, you know, like some women eat their own placenta, all that stuff. Like, I'm pretty sure somewhere in the world, people are snorting earwax. Probably. That's upsetting. Because have you ever stuck your finger in your ear, done a thing, and then like ended up putting your finger in your mouth? I mean, like, ew.

Okay, I have a lot to say about this. One, I am kind of a clean freak. I wash my hands religiously. The tiniest thing, like just even like an opening. No, it's not so much door handle. It's more sauces and sweat. Sauces? Like ranch, for example, right?

Biggest fear is finding it in my hair or something. You know? But I love ranch. What's your favorite brand? Wingstop. And that is the correct answer. I wonder what brand Wingstop uses. They do their own concoction in-house. I've seen recipes via the internet that I will share with you. Please do.

If you swipe up for the Patreon. I like Kraft. No, I fuck with the Kraft. I fuck with the Hidden tree. I'm nasty. I like craft. No, I fuck with the craft. I fuck with the hidden valley. I do like hidden valley. Stay humble. Wishbone, I think, tastes like poison. I haven't had it today.

It's not good. But tonight. Tonight. Wait, back to Earwax. Chinese folks. Yes. I don't know if other Asian folks use this. Oh, actually, yes, because representation matters.

In the movie, Minari, the mom was doing it to the son. But there's a tiny, skinny, long spoon that we use to get the earwax out. And what I've also learned is that earwax is different texturally and color-wise depending on ethnicities and regions. So mine is a flaky yellow. What?

What's yours? Brown. And waxy, falls out in a ball? Yes. I'm telling you, mine's different. Isn't that so interesting? What's yours? I'm half Chinese and mine is flaky and yellow too.

Mine's yellow. Mine's dark brown. Mine's like a hard boiled yolk yellow. Am I sick? No, no, no. Everyone else is. No, you're normal for your background. For the blacks?

I don't know. I know my girlfriend who's Cuban also has the brown waxy. Oh. Yeah, I have yellow flaky. I had no idea that earwaxes were different colors. Earwaxes build different, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm like, get some Q-tips. I gotta see this.

Earwax is also a synonym for head gum. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Am I starting my own competitor production company for podcasts called Earwax? I guess so.

Earwax. No, but yeah, I blew your mind. Never. Wait, I thought Eddum just meant... Okay, try to guess them out. Oh, it's stuck in your ear, I guess. Try to guess them out. It's stuck in your ear.

Try to guess them out so we can compare. This is how vulnerable we're getting today. I've said the word vulnerable three times. My publicist is behind here saying, no, don't go there. I just Q-tipped my ears. I know. See, I just tiny, skinny spooned my ear. I don't have much. Oh, I got a little bit. OK. OK, no, I got not too much.

No, I didn't get any. Oh, it's not too much. It's not enough. It's not enough to show. It's not enough to show. I just. We have clean ears, though, we're happy to report. I am. This is nice. Cause usually I'm like, Oh, I gotta clean my fucking ears.

Back to me being a clean freak in particular ways. You will never catch me with moquitos. What's moquitos? My girlfriend's Cuban and it shows. Boogers. Oh, I sometimes will have boogers. I also have a nose ring. So sometimes that looks like a booger.

Well, you have the, you know, monkey bar in on that thing. Wait, where did you meet your girlfriend? So long story, longer. In 2018, when I started the show, Good Trouble, one of my castmates, Tommy Martinez, beautiful man. He was her roommate. They all went to the same high school outside. when I started the show Good Trouble, one of my castmates, Tommy Martinez, beautiful man. He was her roommate.

They all went to the same high school outside of Miami and her and her two sisters, they're all actresses, so they all live together. And essentially it was platonic until it wasn't. It was Tommy's birthday in 2021. So wait, how long were you friends? 2022, when we had a heart to heart and things sparked. But we were like following each other on Instagram, go offices, yes queen, you know, like nothing too deep.

Just supporting from afar really. And we didn't necessarily hang out that much or ever really. We just knew of each other enough because Tommy, who I'm so grateful for, and if he would officiate the day we have a love party. A love party. Yeah, like it just was kind of from afar. And then one day, because she's also an actress, she had just done the show, Generation, on HBO,

which is super queer. And I was like, oh, she came to see me at the comedy store. And that night I was doing my thing and she literally, she was turned on by the funny. Come on, you know the vibes. You know the vibes. You know the vibes. We go on stage, everyone soaked. No, I once brought a boy to see me perform

and he gave me notes after. No. He, he, he, he, he, he, and he gave me notes after. No. He he he he he he he. It felt really good. No. I loved it so much. No. And that's the difference between men and women. Can I say that? But she and I were both emotionally occupied that night.

This was August 20, 22. OK. But it was the first time she and I had a real conversation because, you know, everything else was fluff. And so we moved on with our lives. And then she ended up booking a role on Good Trouble. Randomly, not even in my universe. In Zuri Adele's universe, character Malika, my sister forever. And so I was like, oh nice, like welcome. And then I was actually filming Joyride in Vancouver at the time.

So I was just in my own world. Yeah. And then January, 2022, I'm getting the years wrong. I've been throwing out a whole bunch of years. It's okay. I have no idea. Honestly, since 2020, what's a year? We've been blacked out since March, 2020. And because of the White Claw.

Yes. We drank a lot on boats in 2020. You know? So I saw her on a Zoom table read and I was like, oh, right. She's on the show now. And I was like, all right. She's stunning. I was like, oh, right. She likes girls. And in that order.

And I didn't really hang out with her that much, but a couple months later at Tommy's birthday, that's when we, I literally told all my friends, I'm gonna lay it on thick. And here we are. Now it's been over two and a half years. Oh, I love that. We love love.

But emotional cul-de-sacs. Many, many of those later. So how did you deal with that? Did you like profess, oh, I'm into you? And they're like, oh, sorry. Strictly, strictly, because I'm a loser. If we're really gonna get into it. So after Leather Jacket and Panda Tat 2, I was still in college and I remember having

a crush on one of my classmates and we hung out like attached at the hip, foodie life, you know, music, et cetera. And after a year, I told her that I liked her. And at this point, I wasn't the power top mamacita that I am today. Sure. So my approach, it was like via FaceTime, it wasn't that smooth. She straight up blocked me.

After a year of like, we were close. You know what I'm saying? So that really messed me up. Yes. And a month later, she texted me again out of nowhere. And then of course, because I am such a softy, I invited her back in my life, blah, blah, blah. But now it's all chill.

She's still in my life and we support each other from afar. We were literally 22. You know what I'm saying? You're 22 and you're like, I don't know how to process that. You don't know shit. But honestly. It was a lot though.

It is, but it's one of those things where it's like, oh, well I don't feel that same way. Are you still okay being friends? Or is that too much for you? How can I support you with this? It was a lot and we were young. Yeah, and that's what I Think of when I even have you know, a 1% of resentment. No, you're right. Is it 22? I was a fucking idiot I used to hitchhike in New York, really

madly deeply savage garden just like Idiots, so there was that? And then I healed from that. And then I remember I got a job at the radio station here, 97.1 amp radio, shout out Carson Daly. Gave me my first big break. Wait, you worked with Carson Daly? Those blue eyes, you could swim in it. Is he nice?

Because I read that he sleeps separately from his wife and that helps his relationship. I can't confirm that. Oh, he didn't talk about that at work. He didn't really mention that on air. But no, he's the best. I recently just did this Today Show segment and then he, it was a full circle.

All that stuff. I love that. Yeah, and I FaceTimed him on Kelly Clarkson's show. Carson Daly is my emergency contact. I love that. Apparently. How tall is he? He seems very big to me.

I wanna say outrageously. I didn't remember him being outrageously tall, but sometimes I forget how tall I even am. How tall are you? I feel like we have tall personalities. I'm huge, but it turns out I'm 5'5". I'm 5'3-ish, but I'm 5'5". I'm 5'3", ish, but I say 5'4". Oh.

But you feel smaller than me. It depends on if the hair's dirty or not, you know? When it's flatter, you lose about 1 fourth. When it's dirty, it's flatter? Yeah. Huh. I am an anatomy teacher. I guess so.

I'm learning about earwax and dirty hair. But I had a crush on this girl in my radio days. And I, uh... Yeah, I didn't end up telling her ever. Which was so interesting because she and I never had a conversation about it, but all of our coworkers knew. It was just this thing. It was very high school. Well, they won't say.

But because I was terrified. Because the last person I told. Yes, obviously. It's like that went bad. You know what I mean? So this will probably go bad. So why would I ever express my feelings? So a lot of those kinds of things.

And of course, hooking up with dudes along the way, validate bisexuality. I love that you keep saying validate bisexuality. I guess, yeah, people are like, pick one. And I'm like, well, why? The world's filled with such hot people. Like, why close the door to something because you're like scared?

Well, what's also really interesting because like you're seeing me like this, right? Contoured with the legs out. Yes. But typically I'll be wearing like a trucker hat and like, you know, Timbs. You know what I'm saying? How New York of you.

But the point is, it's like the range and that fluidity, like you can't put me in a box. Like we're breaking the rules every single day and the, you know, masculinity, the femininity, it'll come out depending on what I feel, you know? And I think a lot of the times people are like, wait, you're into men? They're shocked when I don't look like this, you know?

But then they'll be shocked that I'm queer when I do look like this, but that's also society thinking things should be a certain way, whatever. And they don't need to be. My favorite videos on Instagram is like a stud with a man, and everyone's like, how does that work? And I'm like, for them. I'm like, let's go.

It works for them. That's the thing. It goes back to just being loud when I enter a room. I love proving people wrong, and I love seeing things that prove people wrong. Sameziz. Wait, what was your first relationship? How old were you?

My first relationship, Yusef, in high school. Uh-huh. I can't find him on social media. Well. I'm dying to see what he looks like now. Yusef, if you're watching. If you're watching. Or listening, Yusef.

He's actually an avid listener of this podcast. But he was like this hottie football player, soccer player, and I was on Pep. What's that? Believe it or not, essentially cheerleading. Oh, okay. And because it was so heteronormative, you got paired with an athlete.

So every Friday you would give them baked goods. I would go to Pavilion's, oh wait, and buy brownies. I'm sorry. Your school said you a pep leader have to be paired with football man and bring him goods? Essentially. What did he bring you? Winds, touchdowns. That's insane. His school needs to be reported. Where did he bring you? Winds. Yeah. Touchdowns. Touchdowns.

That's insane. I know. His school needs to be reported. No, no, no. Things have changed since, okay? Everyone has now, you know, gotten better. That's so wild. But, go Rams.

But yeah, we kind of just started dating and he was my first kiss. I remember, this is so weird. And this goes back to like us being outgoing or like not really knowing what our personality was, even though we, we had the juice, but maybe we dimmed our light for other reasons. I don't know. But my whole thing, my whole thing, my brand in high school was that I didn't dance.

What? I love dancing now. I will five, six, seven, eight on the 101 freeway. Yes. But back then, for some reason, I was so self-conscious about dancing. So it was this whole thing where Yusef wanted to ask Sherry to prom, but Sherry doesn't want to go because she doesn't dance. Nor that I wear dresses, nor that I wear makeup, you know, whatever.

But so on prom night, we ended up going to CPK, California Pizza Kitchen. Yes. One of my favorite franchises. It's great. They took off the Singapore shrimp rolls in the appetizer menu without my consent. Listen, I have issues with a lot of chains. We'll get back to your story. But Applebee's used to have a dessert called the Apple Chimmy Cheesecake. It was cheesecake wrapped in a tortilla, deep fried,

with sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla ice cream. And I went to an Applebee's, posted a picture, and Applebee's was like, oh my God, glad you're here. And I was like, bring back the Apple Chimmy Cheesecake. And no one has responded to me. Chili's used to have a Chicken Caesar Pita. Yum, yum, yum. Gone.

This is why I know we're kindred spirits. The amount of food franchise DMs I'm in, I don't know why. I am constantly communicating with these people. Do they listen to you? So most recently, Broad Street Oyster in Grand Central Market and Malibu has a caviar hot dog.

Oh, I love a dog. They recently informed me that it wasn't just limited time only, that it's permanently on the menu and I'm thrilled. It's so good, we have to go. I would love to. Mom's Restaurant caviar hot dog. So I don't know if I've ever had caviar. Yes, you have. I don't know.

I'm a cheap gal. No, no, no. I only eat it when it happens to be free at, you know, an after party. OK. But we'll be in touch real quick. We got to take a break. Real quick, we gotta take a break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Okay, so this month is all about gratitude. And I want to start by giving a big thanks to all the people in my life, my friends, my family, and yes, my therapist who helps me hold it all together.

And it's a good reminder that there's one person we don't think enough ourselves. Look, dating can be messy. Therapy has helped me learn how to set boundaries, handle rejection, and honestly, how to just show up and be the best version of myself, even when the scene gets a little chaotic. It's not only for dealing with big trauma, it's about having someone help you make sense

of the little things too. Have you ever thought about giving therapy a try? Give better help a try. It's entirely online, it's super flexible, it works with your schedule. All you do is fill out a quick questionnaire and then you're matched with a licensed therapist and if you need to switch, it's no big deal

and that's important because dating is a little bit like finding a therapist and if you don't like them, you gotta let them go. So let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month. That's Better Help, H-E-L-P dot com slash date me. Okay, so you're at California Pizza Kitchen.

I cannot believe I remembered. I am shocked to my caps. I truly cannot believe. I simply am like, I think my toenails just grew. No, not in the loafers. What brand are they? If there was a stack of hundreds in front of me. I love that you have no idea what you're wearing.

I am unable to tell you. Was this a stylist who pulled this? Charles and Keith. Oh, Charles and Keith did a good job. They know what they're doing. I love Charles and Keith. Love a loafer and a sheer sock. I... Black loafer and a sheer little sock. Black loafer and a sheer little sock.

Black loafer and a sheer little sock. We are Gen Z. Okay, California pizza kitchen. Thai chicken pizza out of this world. Kump House spaghetti, no notes. Butter cake. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. If that is not in hand when you walk in.

The best butter cake is at the most insane restaurant called Mastro's. I know her. Mastro's is one of my favorite places to people watch. There is usually a man with his sex worker, her wig is a little busted and she's like, can I get two dinners? Log line.

And then once I found a condom on the floor, not a used one, but because someone was going to be using it later. Okay, which location? But they're the one I went to the one in Beverly Hills. Okay, because I was going to if it was Malibu, then you know the beach. Sometimes they drag things in with their feet. I was going to give them some. Drag things in with their feet. There's a condom on your foot.

Oh, classic, classic. But foot. Ugh. Oh, classic. Classic condom on your foot. But their butter cake, oh, unreal. So, not to flex, but I did recently have that because my mother's birthday is August 8th. 1962, six plus two is eight. We are obsessed with the number eight.

Yes. I love the number eight. So eight is very auspicious in the Chinese culture. Really? It means luck. It means fortune. And my mom hit the jackpot. I was born 10 pounds, but the metric system, like, conversion is eight something, eight something. Uh-huh.

So that's why they keep me around. I love that. I love that I can get rid of you. Because I heard the other night that you can have an abortion at nine months. You can have an abortion. I learned that from the debate Outrageous back to CPK So we go to CPK, uh-huh, we're being cutie, this is my first real date Okay as a 17 year old and then we go watch Shrek This is a great date erotic. Gah

Or was it Silver Surfer? Fantastic Four. I don't know. Or was it Borat? 2007 was a very specific year. I hope it was Shrek. Kill, fuck, marry, Borat, Shrek, Fantastic Four. Okay.

I'm gonna marry Shrek. I'm gonna fuck the Silver Surfer. And I think I'm gonna kill Borat, because I've never seen it. Okay, all right. And the only thing I know is, my wife. Cutting edge topics here. My wife.

Today on why won't you date me. Okay, all right, so then. Yes. After dinner, after the movie, we go to CUE, which was this very popular Asian photo booth studio in the San Gabriel Valley. Does it still exist? No.

Have you been to Tom's one hour photo? I have not in person, but he's been at events and he has told me less teeth. He told me I smiled too hard. He said, no, no, no. Okay, what's a natural smile? Well... Oh, you do the open.

It's either open, it's like... Do you do the tongue between the teeth? The Lauren Conrad, if you will? This? Yeah, it's like... No. Oh. That's like my one, like, white girl trait.

Wait, what? I've never seen a photo. It's a cutesy thing people do wait. Do you guys do that? I am teaching you all about the human body Well, no, that's too much. That's too much tongue. That's a little bit There's a little bit Too much tongue is not a note I usually get. I will say though, I feel like I, my biggest like self-conscious thing about myself, orally speaking wise,

is that I slur because there's so much like saliva. What's up with that? I slur a lot because my tongue is too tiny. Tiny? Wait. I would stick mine out, but it's been a long morning and I don't know what color it is right now. Come on, stick it out.

No, no, wait. Here, do this. Wait. And I'll tell you if it's okay. No, but since we're on the topic of... Lenguita? I'm fluent in Spanish. Really?

No. Hola. Asi es si, pero mi novia es guana, lo ganas. Si. Did you see how I'm like kind of loosely doing it without getting all the confidence because it sounds like you're a bro?

Okay. So speaking of, King Taco. Oh, King Taco. It's the best, you know. Speaking of franchises is the best. Salsa Ver That's the, you know, speaking of franchises, is the best. Salsa Verde is not just a sauce, it's a recipe. We're at Q Studio.

And I'm like, I don't know where he went. He's like running around the photo studios. I finally like find him and he's like down on one knee. What? With like a toy ring or something. No, how old are you? You're 17? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He asked me to be his girlfriend. Oh, okay. And then we kissed for the first time. What? With like a toy ring or something. No. How old are you? You're 17?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He asked me to be his girlfriend. Oh, okay. And then we kissed for the first time. Like a real kiss. Wait, okay, that's cute. And then I remember like not really knowing how, but also he was a 17-year-old boy, so it was actually too much tongue.

Yeah. Like it was giving, you know, whack-a-mole. Here's the thing. I don't think I ever give enough tongue, and I feel like that might be people's critiques of me because I don't have a tongue. Well, I think also because maybe we have ADD. I forget. I forget.

Sometimes I forget too. I'm like, oh yeah, we're making out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, sometimes you're making out and you're just zoning out. And like, you're like, all right, I'm making out. You ever open your eyes when you're making out with somebody? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes. Just to check in.

I will open one eye just in case their eyes are open. And I'll be like, what are you doing, freak? I will open one eye because sometimes I need to be reminded of who I'm even kissing. Mwahaha! I'm like, wait, who is this again? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good. Whose house am I at? Oh, yeah, yeah. Whose backseat am right, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good. Who's house am I at? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whose backseat am I? Woke up in someone's house and been like, where am I? You know what? I have to say, it is... We're going too deep into the hookups of the 2000s now, but you know, the making out with strangers? Yeah.

That's it, next topic. You know that thing about making out with strangers? We did that religiously. I can't imagine doing that now. I'm like 72 years old. I can't imagine doing that. How? Because I'm like, so I met you at a bar

and now you're in my mouth? Like, what? Do you think it's because we're more germ conscious now? No, I think I respect myself more. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Oh yeah, same, same, same, same. And, you know, yeah, I guess I'm just like, I don't know what you're gonna taste like.

Like, I'm just like, like. Oh, we didn't think about that back then. We did not care. No, and I gonna taste like. I'm just like. Oh, we didn't think about that back then. No. We did not care. No, and I've kissed people where I'm like, whoa, you gotta get to the dentist. No, there is falafel. There's halal pasta.

And childhood trauma in that back molar. There's nasty. You know? Yeah, but I went on a date, this was a couple months ago, where it was a nice time and I stayed, it was like, I don't know, like a two, maybe three hour date. And I was like, this is too long.

I have to be mysterious. So I like kind of randomly was like, I gotta go. He was like, oh, okay. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna like pay my part of the bill. Cause we were like each paying for a drink. We were going like, you know, and he was like, okay. He's like, do you want me to walk you to your car? And I was like, yeah, I guess if that's what you want to do.

And I don't know why I was being so weird. I was like, I'm mysterious. I'm the least mysterious person in the world. And then he like hugged me goodbye. And then I pulled back and went. Oh my God. So he couldn't kiss me even if he wanted to. Was it self sabotage? What was that?

Like, did you like it? Well, I got in the car and I was like, why did you wave at that man? Like, he was across the street when he was a foot in front of you. I don't know why I did it, but I was like, I just know I don't want to kiss you right now. Interesting.

I was like, I... Well, that's the defense mechanism. Your body just like saying no. Enough is enough. Yeah, and I was like, I think I need to's the defense mechanism. Your body just like saying no. Enough is enough. Yeah, and I was like, I think I need to like get to know him more. Sure. And then on our next date, he like put his hand on my knee. And I was like, why the fuck is your hand on me?

And I was like, oh, because he likes me. Mwa ha ha ha ha. You know what though, it's because we've been fucked over and we've been literally mixed signaled up a storm that we are like, oh, this is too good to be true. Yeah, I was so confused. And then, I think I said this on the podcast, I don't remember, but on our second date he was like, it's nice to see you again. And I said, what do you mean by that? And he said, it's nice to see you.

He said it again and I went, oh, okay. Okay, yeah. Okay, what's the catch? And then I said, good to see you too. I then patted him on the back. Like I- Oh my God, Nicole. Oh, pobrecita. No, muy mal.

I'm not, I don't have game. I am not good at flirting. Oh my God. You are so charming though, like when you're just being you. Thank you. But there's something about dating that makes us freeze. It's hard.

Or we think there's like an extra standard of like existing and like acting. Yes. I mean, yeah. I mean, you are a goddamn dime piece. Oh, thank you. And I'm actually, I'm shocked that you're not swooped up. Well, I am dating somebody right now. And it's been really nice.

And it's maybe the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Like it's just nice. And he's very kind to me. But he's not like an actor or anything. So... Which is honestly fantastic. It's great. So I was like, I think it's respectful to him to not talk too much about him.

But I did change the intro. I, a couple of people have noticed, but not very many, but I've been saying why I was so single for so long. But yeah, it's been, it's very curious dating somebody and then like telling them what you're doing. Do you know what I mean? Like when I go out of town, I'm like, I'm going out of town. Well, communication is a hell of a drug and I'm so-

It's so fucking wild. I'm so happy for you though. To talk, to be like, oh, I feel... But how refreshing that you feel like, oh, it's the stable thing where, you know, you don't have the anxiety of when you were dating people who weren't giving you 100. Yes.

You know what I mean? And then my therapist was like, cause I was like, I don't know why people keep rejecting me and that she was like, I don't think they're rejecting you, Nicole. I think they can't meet you halfway. And maybe you're not willing to meet them halfway or your halfway point is not as far along as their halfway point.

So it's not a rejection. It's just two people who cannot meet in the middle. And I was like, you stupid bitch. Why are you telling me all this good shit and blowing my mind every week? Oh. She's great. I love my therapist. Go to therapy.

Go to therapy. I agree. Are you in therapy? Yes, absolutely. I've been with my therapist since summer of 2021. This one. I've been with her. I broke up with my old therapist, Mary. I think 2021.

So, yeah. Listen, and look at us. Thriving. Thriving. Heal. Living. I also switched to a black woman and that has been so fucking helpful

when I talk about family stuff. Necessary. She like, it's a shorthand. She fucking gets it. It's so stuff. Necessary. She like, it's a shorthand, she fucking gets it. It's so delightful. I think mine's an Asian woman and like, there's just steps you skip, you know what I mean? Like, you speak the same language in so many ways.

And yeah, I think it's just, it's a reflection of you-ish. But also it's wild because like in my early 20s, I was a mess and I am still kind of a mess. But when I'm messy, I'm like, oh, I know why I'm a mess. We're aware of the mess. Yes. And I'm like, oh, I did that because of X, Y, and Z. Like I got into a tiff with a friend this morning

because they were giving me an opinion on something that I asked for. And then I was being super defensive. And then they said something and I was like, you hurt my feelings. And then they were like, well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I said it because of that. And we were both being kind of defensive. And I was like, well, I'll never talk to him again.

And then I got in the shower and I was like. You stupid bitch, just text your friend and tell them I'm sorry that we had a misunderstanding and that we were not seeing eye to eye and things are okay and we shouldn't have started our day like this. And I love them. So then I got back to my phone and they had called me three times and then texted, oh, so you're not answering your phone?

Ha ha ha ha ha. And I was like, but that's my friend. He was worried that I was like mad or something. So ha ha ha ha ha. And I was like, but that's my friend. He was worried that I was mad or something. So then I called him back and then I was like, hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to react that way. I was being really defensive

and what your opinion matters and it's valid and I love you very much because you're like family. And he was like, you're my family. And I really didn't want to start my day being feeling like I upset you, or I was upset, and I was like, wow, look at us. Yeah, no, that's spectacular. That would have never fucking happened

if I wasn't in therapy. Communication. You mean, it's hard, but like, I feel so much better about it. Totally, and putting your ego aside in moments where, you know what I'm saying, and finding that balance, I guess, the meeting halfway thing. Or more so like giving a hundred

and the other person giving a hundred as well, you know? But not everyone, you know, not everyone's capable of doing that. But I think we're just constantly evolving as human beings, which is really cool to see. Look at this, is this? Isn't it wild that evolution didn't stop after we stopped being Neanderthals?

We are so grown and- Wait, were we Neanderthals? No, not all of us. Some people have that in their DNA. Were Cro-Magnums? NASA? What are we? Homo sapiens.

Mars just went- Homo sapiens. Mars just went... Homo sapiens. Homo sapiens. I was an illegal alien at a point. Were you? Not illegal, I'm sorry. Alien. I became a citizen when I was in seventh grade. No, wait, what are we supposed to say? Undocumented immigrants.

Yes, yes, yes. I think my family... I don't know. I actually forgot. My grandpa was an undocumented immigrant for a while, and he had a whole fake name and a fake social security number. He's so fucking old it doesn't matter. And now he's legal. Logline!

Real quick, we have to take another break. Have you ever traveled with your girlfriend? We have. We have been to a lot of places domestically. Unfortunately, we still have yet to go international. And we remind ourselves weekly that we got to get the fuck out of here. What's it like traveling with a partner? We're very much on the same page. Yeah, she is someone who reads instructions and I'm not.

Ah. She has TSA PreCheck and I don't. No, you'd be so disappointed in how much I do not take advantage of any perks. But back to, can I say? Can I say? No. I am a power top mama Sita. No. Okay. You are not a power top

if you don't have pre-check. How do you not have pre-check? That's the easiest thing to fucking get. Do you have global entry? I cannot be bothered. You don't have global entry, do you? With admin stuff a lot of the time. Do you have an assistant? No. Okay. When I got it, I didn't either. No. Okay, when I got it, I didn't either. It's really easy.

I know, I know all these things. My friends give me shit for it. Okay, are you leaving the country anytime soon? After this shame, yes. Okay, so here's what I want you to, okay, the next time you are out of the country and you are in the long customs line for 30 minutes, apply for it.

That's what I did. GSA PreCheck, global entry. If you apply for global entry, they'll give you PreCheck as a bonus because it is a long questionnaire and it will take you the entire time that you are in line for customs and then you make an appointment.

The appointment's gonna be a year from now, unless you leave the country again and you fly back to an international airport that has the global entry office and you can do a walk-in. I flew back from Barbados with my grandpa, my sister, and my uncle, and I left them. I said, see you later, I'm getting my global entry. And my grandpa said, really, you're gonna leave us?

And I said, fuck you, dude, I need to get global entry. So I went and got it and it took like an hour and a half. I'm really bad at the admin stuff and you're not the first person in my life who is like scolding me for it because I was probably on I'm probably on 30 something flights last year did not document a single point okay and are you at least a part of a a points program you know what the problem is I don't

have like a preferred airline what I haven't decided that yet And I feel like that's the first step, right? Because every single time I travel, it's just give me whatever. Give me whatever. I'm too easy and chill. No. These productions are paying. I need to do better. They have the budget.

I need to do better. Kick your airline because they're paying and you're getting the points. That's the only part about me that's not evolved and not healed in any way, shape, or form. Okay, here's the thing. What are you doing at the airport? Ha ha ha, having fun, drinking a little. No, you sign up for global entry. You get into a points program.

Honestly, you should have points at American Delta and United because that's what they're going to fly you domestically, and you just tell them you're preferred. And then, once you become a Delta Diamond Diva, that's who I am, they're nice to you. A triple D. I'm a triple D, much like Guy Fieri, but he's diners, drive-ins, and dives. He's living our life.

You know? But they treat you nice, and they call you by your name. They're like, hello, Ms. Byer. And you're like, oh my God, hello. I thank you. And you had to go to the lounge. No, this is a good conversion therapy because I- I'm just saying there's a better way to travel. I need to do better. I know it. Here's the thing. I know it. I know it. And when you have pre-check and you get clear, so here's what you do. The eyes thing?

Yeah. You do the eyes thing? Of course I do. Everybody has your shit everywhere. For a while I was like, no, no, don't track me. Track me and let me on the plane. Yeah. Okay. So here's what I do. I arrive 15 minutes before boarding.

Sometimes 10, sometimes five, sometimes minutes after it's boarding. If there is a line, I have no qualms about being like, my flight's leaving. They zap my eyes, I have no qualms about being like my flights leaving They zap my eyes. I go through I'm at the gate. I'm on the plane. They close the door we take off And you're flying the damn thing. Yeah, I'm the pilot. Yeah according to the credentials Triple D behind the wheel

No, I'm hearing you. I'm here. Are you though? I really am. Are you? I'm hearing you. Anyway, Sheri, I have really enjoyed our time together. I find you to be a fucking delight. Just like funny, effervescent, refreshing like a Fiji water. Is there anything you want to plug? Ears or butt? I don't know why I went there. My purpose is this. That you left an office open. Cause you could plug up your plus. But why?

We were talking about though, I don't know if y'all were rolling, that the headphones are like maxi pads. Yes. In the audio world and AirPods are tampons. Little tampies. You still feel them there, you know, but it's more efficient. Do you like OB tampons?

I do like the applicator because I love a conduit, a bridge, if you will, you know, kind of like a filter. Sure. I'm an OB girl. I don't need an applicator. I don't need help with anything. When it's not as moist, there can be friction. There can be traffic on the 101.

But I think that means you need to go down a size. Interesting. I think if it's like a light day and it's not sliding up, maybe we go to a light one. Size matters. Hashtag bad. Size does matter. I think if it's like a light day and it's not sliding up, maybe we go to a light one. Size matters. Hashtag bad. Size does matter. Nobody wants this premieres on Netflix September 26th.

Um. It was a great segue. I'm obsessed with you. I'm obsessed with you. And here's a question. Would you date me? Yes. And we should have a spin-off podcast called Buttercake. I'm obsessed with you. I'm obsessed with you. And here's a question. Would you date me? Yes, and we should have a spin-off podcast called Buttercake.

Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I would love to, honestly, it would be just one episode of a TV show, but I'd really like to just go around eating butter cake and comparing them. You know what? I have some food stuff in the works. We'll be in touch.

Really? We'll be in touch. Okay. We'll be in touch. Really? We'll be in touch. Okay. We'll be in touch. I love eating. It is one of my favorite fucking things. What is your last meal? We will never stop talking, okay? Okay. Okay, really quickly, my last meal would be ooey gooey butter cake ice cream from Ample Hill's Creamery.

Cookies and cream ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery with like 50-50 ratio ice cream to cookie. I would like baked macaroni and cheese to my specifications, my mother's recipe. I would also like a honey baked ham. I would also like a pound cake to my mother's specifications. I also would like ground beef nachos

made by John Milheiser. And I would also like ground beef nachos made by John Milheiser. And I would also like a lasagna made by my friend Jessica Gao, but also a piece from Little Dom's. I love Jessica Gao. Also, she's wonderful and perfect. Also, I would like a big, juicy, nasty hamburger. And I would like french fries from The Window. Or what's the other place I really like french fries?

They were long and yummy. I'll just say The Window. And then also The Window has this ice cream cone that they dip. And it's, yes, I want something phallic. And then I think that's it. What would your last meal be? Ooh, and a Whopper from Burger King.

Oh my God. Why does the onion hit so differently? I don't know. I love Whoppers. What? I crave them and then my doctor said I had an iron deficiency. Oh, well let's unpack that next time I come back.

Boiling crab, a seafood broil. Oh. That's like my jam. The andouille sausage, the corn, the garlic, the lemon peppery, Cajun spices. That is the buttery dish I would like to leave on. That's nice. Here's the thing.

I like the idea of I did something bad and I'm on death row and they have to run errands for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, but like, it's like, wait, you're gonna lock me up, but who's paying this delivery fee for post-mites? You gotta get everything I want. And some of it you can't get here. The Uyghur butter cake it you can't get here.

The ooey butter cake, you gotta order in advance. Ooh, Pizookie BJs. Ah! I love a fucking Pizookie! Oh my God. What about Sprinkles Red Velvet? Ah! Oh my God.

I do love a Red Velvet. We are soaked. Oh my God. Right now. You really, like, okay, we have to go. I know my shit, I know my shit. We have to go. It is midnight. Okay, I have to go. I know my shit. We have to go. It is midnight Okay, I do have to read a nasty a

nasty Message from somebody because if you write me a nasty message to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com hitting on me I will read it. This person said my ideal fantasy date is a Okay, I bought you a ticket to your show on Vancouver as a straight and single man. My plan was to attend your show. And when you asked the crowd if there was any available men in the audience, I would yell yes. And then woo you with my roguish good looks

and flowing ginger hair. We'd go out, okay, we'd go out for drinks and I'd take you for a walk along the waterfront, showing you a spot where a family of otters live. I do love otters. And together we would watch them frolic in the moonlight. Then we would go back to your hotel where after laying in your respondent naked body spread eagle on the bed, I would swan dive first into your pussy with the ruthless efficiency of a Soviet-era Olympic diver. I'd clamp my lips on your cunt, or no, clip, and alternate between sucking it and licking it

with the firm and flat of my tongue, giving you so many orgasms, the front desk would be calling to do a wellness check. Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, there's more? Yeah! Then leaving your body in a panting incoherent mess, I disappear into the night like a cunnilingus ghost,

never to bother you again, since I know you're not into long distance relationships. Then leaving your body in a panting incoherent mess, I disappear into the night like a cunnilingus ghost, never to bother you again, since I know you're not into long distance relationships. Too bad, I found out I work the night of your show and can't attend. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my God, wait, someone get this waterfront ginger a book deal.

Truly. Because that was impressive. It was, people write some of the nicest, nastiest stuff. Wait, that was like... It was poetic. Can you send that to me? I can. And I mean, I think he said he was a ginger because my ultimate is I say his name wrong every time,

but I think it's Dumal Gleeson. Okay. And every time I see his daddy in a movie, I'm like, there's my father-in-law. That would be a beautiful baby. Now I have to Gleason. Okay. And every time I see his daddy in a movie, I'm like, there's my father-in-law. That would be a beautiful baby. Now I have to let you leave. Your publicist is like half out the door. She's like, we have other stops.

Well, no, right after this, I have to update my will. But- Ha ha! Wait, do you have a will? No. I do. You need to get one. Oh my God, so you're rich rich.

No, I'm not rich rich, but when you die in the state of California, your stuff reverts back to the state and then your family has to fight for it back. So in order for your family to just get access to your money, you have to have a will that is notarized. Can we, live on this podcast, agree to leave each other something cute in our wills.

I will. I absolutely will. You will. I will. We simply must wrap this up. I know. I don't want to. Me either.

I'm having a nice time. I love you so much. I love you. No, truly, I will come back and I wanna hear chapter two of that man's story because, wow, I'm really blown away. Well, thank you for being here, Sheri. -♪ Woof! All right. Bye-bye. -♪ Woof!

You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kamatay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then. Okay, bye-bye. That was a Headgum Podcast.