Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Vehicular Assault (w/ Akilah Hughes)

Episode Date: December 27, 2019

Akilah Hughes (host of What a Day podcast) discusses why she doesn't believe in long term relationships, shares her worst date stories, and the time she cut all her toes during sex. Nicole fears for her future as a motorcyclist. She also talks about the multiple times she's been hit by cars, and that she is now so horny she's committing vehicular assault. Support the show! Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts with a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh I Want You Date Me. A podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if he jizz on my pillow, I'll still sleep in it. How awful.

That one's the worst because I'm just sleeping in the wet spot. Like it's so gross. Oh baby. Oh boy. But you know what? When you're desperate, you'll do anything. I'm kidding. I'm just sleeping in the wet spot. Like, it's so gross. Oh, baby. Oh, boy. But you know what? When you're desperate, you'll do anything. I'm kidding. I'm not desperate.

I truly am not. Please stop asking me out in my DMs. My guest today hosts a podcast called What a Day. And it's Akilah Hughes. Hey, thanks for having me. I don't know why. It's hard to remember. I had so much trouble remembering that.

Also, were you on Pod Save America? Yeah. Or did you write for it? I was on the HBO special. I was their field correspondent. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, that's such a treat. Akilah, you lived in New York, yes?

Yeah, for seven years. I just moved out here. Just got here. How long ago did you get here. Just got here. Yeah. How long ago did you get here? Like three months. Dang. So yeah, you're brand spanking new.

I am. And do you like LA? How are you feeling? I feel lots of ways. I think that the diversity is a little lacking. Oh yeah. It's a pretty segregated city. It's very segregated. And you don't you wouldn't know that

till you get here but like most major cities are kind of segregated like chicago's segregated my i think i've said this before on the pod but i'll say it again um my whole family lives on the south side of chicago and there are no white people there so when i moved to new york white people be like oh i'm from chicago i like, surely you're from a suburb. Surely you don't mean my Chicago. And then downtown, yeah, there's white people because they commute in from work. And then I went

somewhere. Maybe it was the north side? Or maybe it was the north side. I went for a show. I was with my friend Mateo Lane, and it was all white people. And I kept gasping. Every time I saw one, I was like,

what? It felt wrong. Yeah. It's just like, it was jarring in a way I didn't expect. I'm from the South. So like, I've been around white people,

but I moved to New York and I'm like, okay, everybody's black. I moved here and I'm like, no one, no one. I mean, in Crooked's defense,

they do Pod Save America. Their office is all black people. So I'm like, very one, no one. I mean, in Crooked's defense, they do Pod Save America. Their office is all black people. So I'm like very safe in that area. But I feel just very lost. I also have no life yet, which I think is par for the course when you move anywhere. Just working and figuring out where you are. It's hard. Yes.

I will say, I think it's easier for like actors or comics because. You're always on the road. You're either on the road or you're like taking a class or you're performing and you make friends where you go. And then maybe, you know, a friend who moved from New York who moved to L.A. But like real people who like move to work at IBM in like Iowa. How the fuck do you make a friend? You don't. That's why you don't hear about their lives

because they're just sitting at home staring at the wall waiting for their body to die. When will death come? I mean, sometimes I'm like, when will death come? But like not in a depressed way, in a way where I'm like, I'm just so tired. Like when can I sleep forever? Yeah. It's like if a vacation is unrealistic

death seems certainly more realistic yeah it does it's like well I don't think I get the time off and I need to keep working but if I die then no I don't need to work because I'm dead um do you are you single are you single okay I. Also, let me apologize in advance. My voice sounds crazy because when we are recording this, it is holiday party season, and I'm just wrecked. It is holiday party season. I was supposed to go to two holiday parties yesterday. Only made it to one. I brought two bottles of wine, so I drank two bottles of wine, and then I woke up this morning, and I was like,

Oh, no. I don't feel good. I brought two bottles of wine so I drank two bottles of wine and then I woke up this morning and I was like oh no I don't feel good and then my dog was like I feel like he was trying to whisper to me I woke up to him like in my ear be like and I was like what does that mean

he's looking at me now he's like bitch don't tell everyone our secrets yeah so I was like a little hungover this morning yeah maybe he's just making sure you're still alive he's like hello maybe he was like you die who's gonna walk me yeah i'm gonna eat your body in the next 20 minutes if you don't wake up honestly i don't even know if he would wait to like not feel a pulse like if i slept for more than 8 hours he would just start eating me he'd be like oh that's a finger he's the hungriest hippo I've ever met so okay you've been single

I've been single for how long? so like official relationship or like consistent hookup partner um I don't know the difference anymore I mean honestly I think in our day and age there really isn't much of a difference except for like at some point somebody said that they were dating.

Yes. But consistent hookup partner. It's probably been since like 2016. Okay. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. It's been the full election. Oh, dang.

The full election. What a way to. Yeah. 2020 is going to be better. Time. I keep saying 2020 is gonna be my year yes i cannot wait um i think i truly think it's gonna be my year i think so too clyde clyde come up here my dog is here clyde does not want to hang out for the pod no he's like i think he's mad at me so I left him yesterday for like three hours

maybe five hours six hours because I had to go buy a motorcycle what? what are you talking about? I had to go buy a motorcycle then I had to go to a holiday party did you ride the motorcycle to the holiday party? no it's being delivered on Wednesday

because I didn't trust myself to drive it the 30 miles home. I cannot believe that you bought a motorcycle yesterday. Hell yeah, I did. I'm going to ride a motorcycle, man. Do you know how to ride a motorcycle? It's up for debate. Do you have a motorcycle license? No, I do not.

I failed my road test. I flew off the motorcycle. I've had a limp for two weeks no my therapist was like we need to talk about what you actually think self-love is yeah you're like it's this motorcycle and i was like yeah it's right it's doing whatever i fucking want to do lady um but yeah then i went to a holiday party so he's been alone and i think he's mad at me yeah i i feel that but uh buying a motorcycle was like the most they made it so like buying a car is annoying it's buying a motorcycle but it was annoying yeah it assigned so much shit and then like they kept being like here's the price and i was like yeah i know yeah like i said yeah you already you told me i'm holding the pin. And they're like, actually, it's like $35 more because of this charge.

And I was like, that's 30, okay. Yeah, like I think I'm okay. I'm okay. If you've decided to buy a motorcycle, another $35 is not going to deter you. Like, actually, I'm going to go home. Yeah, you know what? I like my car. That's a little too much.

$30, unsubscribing, I believe. And the guy who sold it to me I was like so do you have like a lot of motorcycle friends because he's like 23 adorable and like I don't know fun to talk to so I was like do you have any motorcycle friends he was like I only have two and I was like oh what happened to the rest he was like they're all either dead or in jail and I was like wait what that's what happens we have a motorcycle Nicole what do you think your future well he was like one tried to evade the police, so he's a felon.

Oh, dang. And then he's like, one of them flew off a bridge. He was like, the motorcycle was okay, though. But he's paralyzed. That's the one you bought? I was like, oh my God.

And then he's like, another one, he was being stupid. He took a turn too hard. He fell off a cliff and he's dead. And I was like, okay. I was like,

were they all wearing their gear? He said, no. And I said, well, I'll wear's dead. I was like, okay. I was like, were they all wearing their gear? He said, no. And I said, well, I'll wear my gear. I'll be wearing it. I'll be wearing it. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No, and I will never. Okay, fair.

I'm terrified. I also am like, I think that I am cautious to a fault. Like I'm the person who like signals always and honks at people and then I get flipped off in LA because they don't signal and then they just cut you off and I'm like

excuse me there are actual rules to driving yes I honestly do believe that the rules are merely a suggestion I mean you

and the rest of LA I always have to hang back four car lengths because of like someone's about to like Mario Kart over my car I mean

yeah but when it's super busy I will use my turn signal because like that's nice but like if there's nobody Mario Kart over my car. I mean, yeah. But when it's super busy, I will use my turn signal because like that's nice. But like if there's nobody on the road, I'm not using my turn signal. Also, I'm not stopping at a stop sign.

Are you kidding? It's nighttime. No one's on the road. It's real. So you haven't dated anyone or had a consistent hookup since before the lovely, beautiful President Trump. So do you think that maybe your body is closed up until he leaves office?

I mean, not totally. Like, I've definitely had, like, hookups. Just, I'm like, nothing can be consistent in this time because we're living in, like, a fake time. Sure. It does feel like a vacuum. Like a weird, we got sucked up into this weird dirty vacuum bag and everyone's acting poorly and the wildest shit is happening every goddamn day yeah i'm like i'm actually done being mad about stuff like i mean stephen king used the word

ghetto to describe horror movies and like how they get nominated and i think he just meant their ghetto as as in like segregated from like being considered. But like the entire internet's mad today. I'm like, I'm not mad. I can't be mad about the word ghetto right now from Stephen King. The world is on fire. He's using the word correctly. Yeah, like that's the definition.

But people just don't know. They're like, he's trying to co-opt ghetto. Like that's a different ghetto, babe. Yeah, there's different definitions to different words i mean but that's the thing who has the time to educate anymore jews lived in a ghetto yeah when hitler was like didn't elvis have a song called it's like christmas time in the ghetto well elvis we could be mad at because elvis stole his whole act from black yeah from the ghetto and he was like oh i like everything that's happening here

and then didn't even change the title of the song the ghetto yeah everyone's like ooh we love Elvis this is so original Christmas in the ghetto

and he's like sippin' on a 45 I I'm sure that's the lyrics I don't know I don't I think it is I don't know very many

Elvis songs I know he ain't nothing but a hand dog for sure walkin' on a tap because it's in Pound Puppies what do you remember that show Elvis songs. I know, He ain't nothing but a hand dogger walking all the time. Because it's in... Pound Puppies? What? Do you remember that show, Pound Puppies?

The cartoon from the 90s? That was a theme song. Really? That's how I know it. No, I know it from Forrest Gump. Thank you. Okay, good point. I watch it every time it's on television during the holidays. You have a lot of time to watch. It's a five-hour movie. Yeah, and it's a bad

movie and I love it. I've seen it no less than one million times. Okay, so the last person you were dating hooking up with like continuously, who ended it? It was mutual

I think, which is rare, but it was sort of like we were also kind of seeing other people and I was like actually like I think this guy's cute so I'm gonna try it it didn't end up being anything I was like actually still available he's like no I fell like oh shit well good for you one of us made it I've never been a part of a mutual let's not do this again. It's always the other person. It's actually happened to me several times. No, for me, it's always the other person being like, I'm gone.

And I'm like, are you sure? Because I'll keep texting you until you say something really hurtful. Oh, no. Hurt me to lose me. Sometimes I, okay. I said to my friend, maybe I said this on the podcast the other day. hurt me to lose me sometimes I okay I said to my friend oh maybe I said this on the podcast the other day

I don't know it's all of it's running together yeah that's how I feel about my whole life I could be just talking to myself but truly

I have been so horny lately that I'm like I'm gonna walk into traffic like I have to do something about

being this horny. Like, I feel dangerous. Yeah. And, like, I'm horned up and I'm, like, a little riled up as well. Like, I keep losing my mind in my car. Like, I screamed at this man the other day because he wouldn't let me merge. And I was like, for what? Did you have a signal?

We're in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I did. And I was, like, in his lane. And he just kept coming and wouldn't let me merge. So then I hit him with my car and then I got off the five. I like lightly tapped him and then he started to get out of the car and I was like, yeah, like, sorry, you stopped. I'm behind you, you idiot. Chase me.

Let's do this. Like you're going to have to shoot my tires. Yeah. And then I was like, I think I need to my tires man yeah and then I was like I think I need to get laid and I think I understand like angry men oh yeah honestly when you put it that way it has actually recontextualized every angry man I've ever met I'm like oh it's been several years they're just so horny but they're turning violent so do you you've been in LA for only three months yeah but have you noticed

whether you think dating is harder or easier in LA I think it's harder I think it's harder because I mean partially transit like

it really like in New York I do feel like I kind of try to stay to my borough when it comes to dating but if I you know

I was in Brooklyn I could go to like lower Manhattan or like early Queens you know I'm not going deep at Queens but I could go you know where the g-train stops I can do that in LA it's like it is a real commitment like I'm not gonna date someone in Pasadena like it's not gonna happen

I'm sorry guys I live in like Melrose so it's just like a little bit farther apart I also I mean maybe it's just because I'm new but I I don't know where people go to meet people. It's not like in New York where it's like, every bar is bad and you just stand there. It's all a dive. And here I'm like, oh, people are having dinner like it was a plan and I'm standing at the bar. Anybody?

Having dinner like it's a plan. Well, I found a list of hot, hip places. But then I felt that they were like too hot and hip. And I was like, I don't even find my person. Yeah, I'm looking for like kind of like disgruntled older man. That's just like we both ended up here by accident. It is.

I feel like in L.A. people don't really go out with like their single friends to like find somebody. I feel like it's like we're a group of people and we're friends and we don't intend on making a single other friend exactly don't talk to us yeah I feel like every bar in LA is you can't sit here yeah another Forrest Gump reference it's very

true and I love that that's your favorite reference I mean I really love Forrest Gump who doesn't what are your top 8 movies what's your MySpace 8 movies my MySpace 8 movies I mean, I really love Flora Scott. Who doesn't? What are your top eight movies? What's your MySpace eight movies? My MySpace eight movies. Oh, man.

Okay, so, you know what? No caveats. Pretty Woman is my favorite movie. I love that movie. I think it is beautiful. Okay. And, like, just the wide shots. It's so smart.

I love it. I feel like, also, if you read the script, the script is so bad. Oh, is it? Like it truly came down to good improvising to make that worthwhile. It's bad. Like the scene where Julia Roberts is in the shop and she's like, big mistake, huge, was initially this very long, jawed out thing that's like, I was in here earlier and you were not nice to me. And now I have money and you need to be nice to me. I'm like, this is garbage.

Thank God. I love it. be nice to me I'm like this is garbage thank god she's like who are you I'm rich Julia Roberts was just like I'm gonna just say big mistake and then I'm gonna use a synonym I'm gonna say huge I'm going to equate the mistake um several times then I will walk out of the store without buying anything. Very funny. So I love that movie. Lion King. Okay. What movies do I watch all the time? Is it weird that that's the only two I can think of? I mean. That's great.

Movies that I like, like love, love. You do yours. You have to do yours. I feel like I'm not thinking of, like give me a genre I'm dead. Eight movies? Yeah. You don't have a top, a MySpace eight of my like favorites I mean okay ghost sister act uh made in America oh made in um coming to America would be coming to America is also very good uh let's. That's five for me. I like live action Grinch. What?

I like live action Grinch. Oh, okay. I've never seen it. Oh my God. It's uproarious. Death Becomes Her. That's seven. I don't know what my eighth one will be.

Ooh, Jackie Brown. I just watched it. That's good. I really liked it. I think it's better now than it would have been in 2000 because it is so like you like you remember every set piece of that time like those big butt silver tvs that were terrible like the flat screen with the thickest border you've ever seen it just felt like I'm like oh yeah I remember the 2000s um yeah okay all right these are all good it's okay I gave you a hard number of movies five is normal I like prestige film but

for some reason nothing is hitting me and i'm like am i am i wrong i watch so much more tv than movies now that i think that like it all feels like a stretch also every movie i liked when i was younger is bad now oh yeah i mean it's wild to watch like some of my old favorite movies and be like very problematic yeah like oh oh this whole premise is wrong we don't do that again the dark knight up there really i quote that movie five times a week i mean you're gonna get so many men slipping in your dms i'm kidding six straight men listen to this podcast yeah they've all made themselves known which has been very nice you're like they're in rotation and they will not stop talking truly i said it once i was like six or seven straight

men listened to it and then at every live show i've had like one man will be like i'm one of the six or seven and it makes me laugh because i'm like i don't think more than six or seven people have come up to me to say this there you go and my live show in boston uh we were like trying to figure out if i did have any straight male friends. And I was like, who's a straight male here? There's like a pretty decent smattering of people. I was like, wow, more than I thought. And I was like, and who is single?

And then there was one. No. And then I was like, would you date me? And then silence. Yeah. Great. Wonderful. Thank you for making yourself.

Perfect. Perfect. This is what I wanted the outcome to be. OK, we have to take a break. OK, so what is what qualities are you looking for in a person to have a relation with oh my god yeah to have a relationship with um okay so i think that this is the problem i'm i think this might be shallow but i didn't it didn't occur to me that's shallow but i want it to be kind of easy i want them to like have their life together oh sure and i want to like just like show up as like a guest star and like what they're doing like i want their

house to be together. I want them to have shit on the walls. I want them to like have a carpet or like a rug. And I want to be like, great, you already figured this part out. So I don't have to like, you know, be that element of your life.

I want someone who is like incredibly ambitious and not in the same lane as me at all. Like a really sexy, ambitious doctor or like a really sexy, ambitious architect or even like an ambitious middle manager at a white castle like as long as they have like an idea of what they want their life to be so that I like all of our conversations aren't like I mean I don't know I could do anything because I feel like that's a lot of the dudes that I've been with um I think that they should love at least one member of their family okay

but not too much okay I dated a guy once that loved his dad so much which I think is very sweet but to the point where like it kind of broke or fell apart because he was like I don't know if my dad would date you and I'm like do you want me to date your dad I don't understand

what the context is wait did he say that out loud he literally said it out loud and I was like yeah he probably wouldn't he probably would not and then I was like it's weird that you only want to date women that your dad would date so yeah okay that's gross yeah I hated it I was like well that's the biggest red flag it's burning my skin and I should leave if that was the criteria for me to get a boyfriend, I would definitely get a boyfriend. Older men fucking love me. Oh my God.

Same. I don't know why. I don't know either. What's it about? Especially old white dudes. Same. They're just like, oh, you're so exotic. And wow, look at that backside.

They all sound like the mayor from like this exotic little treat just walked in you know what i think it is i think that like around middle age white dudes become very um free like they think like they become the betty white version of themselves where they're like who gives a shit but like we always were and they're like whoa you're like younger than me and it's like you're so that's you're easily better looking and you also don't give a fuck about social norms i guess so i don't know it's weird it's weird there's a lot of bullets i'm dodging have you been on any dates out here let's see i think i have been on one and i didn't know that's what it was oh what happened it was a friend not even like a

friend really a loose acquaintance that i'd met in new york at an event and i like i don't know that's what it was. Oh, what happened? It was a friend, not even like a friend, really. A loose acquaintance that I'd met in New York at an event. And I like, I don't know his, I will give no other identifying characteristics. And he was like, we should get together now that you're out here. Like, let's meet up at this restaurant. I'm like, chill. So I like show up and it's like decent enough. But he's like, can we get the window with the view? And I'm like, okay.

And then he's like, I don't know. The whole date-ish thing was like him talking about the kind of woman he wants. Oh, okay. And I'm like, it was all like things that I'm like, okay, well, like pretty. I mean, if he just like, you know, read my Wikipedia, he'd be like, cool, tight. And then it just like kept happening. And I'm like, oh, he really likes me. So we had the dinner, which was fine. He insisted on paying.

Then he was like, you want to go to this party? My upstairs neighbors are having a party. And I'm like, yeah. To my surprise, so this is a white guy, all of his upstairs neighbors were like cool black people from Bed-Stuy. I'm like, oh, great. I just like blended into the party. And the whole night he's just like kind of like two feet

behind me like, hey, we could go downstairs. I'm like, no, I'm playing Uno. Like, leave me alone. Fuck you. These are my people. I felt very bad. Oh, well. But it was just like, I don't know.

There's no. I also need a guy that I think is really funny. And I think that he's self. The guy was a little self-serious in a way that I'm like, who cares? Like, who cares about it? Like, we're all dying. We're all going to die. Yeah.

I like a funny guy, but like funny to me. He dying. We're all going to die. Yeah, I like a funny guy, but, like, funny to me. He doesn't have to be funny to everybody. Oh, I agree. I, like, I honestly think that the best or, like, the guys that I'm most attracted to, all of my friends are like, he sucks. He's not funny. He's, like, the worst. And I'm like, I get his humor.

Yeah, like, the other day I put my dog in my pants because I'm really funny. And my roommate wasn't laughing and his boyfriend wasn't really laughing. And I couldn't stop laughing. I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever done. Yeah, like how are you all missing this? And I was like, I need a man who would laugh just as hard. Or just be like, you're very dumb and that's why I love you. Yes. Yes. I need like an air of absurdity. would laugh just as hard or just be like you're very dumb and that's why I love you yes yes

I need like an air of absurdity I need a running social commentary I mean have you tried any of the apps out here oh my god yes I'm on every app I'm on hinge I'm on raya I'm on tinder but I haven't used tinder I've been on mostly hinge and raya and a little bit of bump little bump um have you met anyone good? I have matched with some really wonderful people that I've not met up with any of them. Okay, why? I think it's my fault, actually.

I think it's... Okay, so do you have the Citizen app? No. I don't know why I'm like the biggest proponent of this in LA, but the Citizen app is a running ticker of police scanners where you are. And the crime in LA is much worse than the crime in New York,

which I didn't realize. Oh yeah. LA is not safe. It's not safe. At all. People get shot in nice neighborhoods every day. People get shot in nice neighborhoods. People will steal your mail right off your doorstep.

Lots of burning trash cans. lots of burning trash cans lots of burning trash cans uh so i have a ring doorbell and i'll get notifications one notification was like naked man on sunset and i was like uh-huh yes sure why not right and so and i also like i live kind of close to cedar sinai so i hear a lot of helicopters there's a lot of car chases and i think that like i should have waited to download the citizen app because now I've like oh that's probably the guy from the stabbings like I talk myself out of it the moment they're like great we should this has been a good conversation when are you free this week I'm like no like I'm the woman that they all hate I'm the one that like doesn't commit I also have a terrible work schedule I have a terrible work schedule but if I want to go out with someone,

I go out with somebody. Mine is worse. I work two to midnight. I'm going to go to breakfast, broad daylight with the stabber. That's what you're saying. Well, you could go for like a brunch sitch. That's right.

And then I've made people meet me at midnight 30 for dates. I should do that. And. Did it always end in sex though? I was just about to say, and they don't all end in sex but they absolutely do yeah but i fuck on the first date i mean no i'm not i refuse to wait i'm too horny i also don't go on enough dates tonight look we're probably not gonna see each other again and it's gonna be at eight months before

i do another date so why not fuck now the only thing that sucks is like trying to suss out if you're gonna fuck yeah it's kind of exhausting i literally wanted like i think that there should be just like an app that's like called when's the sex gonna happen where you both enter it and then like at the end of like the date part it just says like right now or like never and I'm like good let me go. You can only match with people who fuck on the first date. That's an app you could make Nicole. Right? It's called F1F. Where it's like I fuck on the third date I fuck on the fifth date I won't fuck you for two

months and then I will not match with anybody who's like I won't fuck until we're in a relationship because then I would kill myself. Yeah no way. Yeah I mean also no one wants to be in a relationship anymore. Sign of the times. It does feel like nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore sign of the times it does feel like nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore I would be happy to but also I don't settle so but I also feel like people don't want to be in a relationship until they like want to be in a relationship like I have so many friends who are like oh I don't know and then they

like meet someone and they're like we're getting married tomorrow and you're like well what happened to the I don't need a relationship yeah they're like because I're getting married tomorrow. And you're like, well, what happened to the I don't need a relationship thing? Yeah, they're like, because I make my own rules. I never really believed myself. I guess. All I want is a relationship. I desperately want a relationship. I desperately want to call somebody every goddamn day and be like, hello, you care about my life, right?

And you're like, yes, I do. And I'm like, good. I'll tell you a real boring story. You're going to like it. Yes. I used to have'm like good I tell you a real boring story you're gonna like it yes I used to have like here's my real problem in relationships not even relationships here's like what my version of relationships tend to be I find a guy we absolutely like are perfect for each other we talk every day we call each other on the phone and just talk for like three hours and they're like okay bye and then I do that for a decade.

And then I'm like, OK, I finally found the courage to say that I'm in love with you. They're like, no, this was just fun. Like, I actually really like my girlfriend. I'm like, no, you don't. You talk to me every day. Like, you don't like your girlfriend. Yeah, I feel like men find it easy to talk to me. Yeah.

Especially when I was younger. Like, I had so many like male friends. And I was like, I've never wanted this many straight to me. Yeah. Especially when I was younger. Like, I had so many, like, male friends, and I was like, I've never wanted this many straight male friends. Yeah. And now I'm like, if it's not going anywhere, I just cut it off, but I'm like, oh, but I'm so much lonelier. Like, I miss having that person where, like, something happens, and I'm like, yo, I

gotta shoot off this text, because someone has to know about this. That's really what I want. Like, that's honestly most of it. Right? Just to sit on a couch with somebody and not speak. Yeah. Watch a show and then like both like notice something and be like, that was dumb. We couldn't do it better, but I liked it. Yeah. I mean, one of my favorite things is watching House Hunters with my roommate and his boyfriend, like a real great third wheel. And we just shout at the TV and it's a great time i'm

like i need somebody to come help me shout at the tv exactly i can't just do this by myself when you all aren't here they're both out of town and i've been still lonely oh my gosh well come hang with me you don't want to no i just i'm also working but i wasn't working yesterday uh and then the day before oh i was like working like running around but uh like you get home you're just like there's nobody here to talk to yeah do you want to hear how dark my life is now hell yeah dude all i do is go to work and play zelda breath of the wild on nintendo switch okay and i'm like this is the dorkiest i've ever been like i dream about it when people ask me what i've been doing i'm like i'm really trying to find all of the shrines.

I hear there's 120 and they're like, wow, this is bad. This is an ugly thing about you. Don't say it out loud. This is an ugly thing about you. I've been thinking about getting a Nintendo Switch.

It is really fun. Because I want to play Donkey Kong again. It's really fun. I've truly been going through it. I'm like, I miss my childhood. I had a great time. Honestly, though, the two, it's almost like a semb been going through it. I'm like, I miss my childhood. I had a great time.

Honestly, though, the two, like, it's almost like a semblance of a life. Like, I'm like, I'm gathering berries. I'm cooking them. I'm camping at night. Like, I'm doing all of these things on my couch until 5 a.m. And I'm like, Akilah, this is why you have no one. Like, this is your life. Honestly, though, I feel like there's so many men out there who love this.

I mean. Who are like, oh, boy, all I want is a girl who plays a video game until 5 a.m. Until you send me that gamer tag or that 12-digit number that you have to use for Switch. Hit me up. Play online. That is something. There's a guy that I, like, really like that we have hooked up and we sometimes play Mario Kart online together, but he doesn't live in L.A. And I don't think that long distance is real.

Okay. Why don't you think long distance is real? Because someone's fucking around. No one is waiting at work. Can't wait to just have our Skype call and be very, very committed. You don't think so? I mean, I feel sorry for those people. I do. I think it sucks, I feel sorry for those people. I do.

I think it sucks. I think that it's, like, selfish. I think people should move for the other person. And I think that we should just, like... But what if it takes a little bit of time? Oh, that's fair. But I think in the meantime, there should be, like, an agreement that, like, look...

But what if you don't want to fuck the other person? Like, anybody else? You just want to fuck that person that's away. This is a very romantic view of the world. You think this is real? Yeah. Someone like wants to just wait? Yeah.

I don't know that man. Well, my parents had a long distance relationship. Not for a super long time, maybe like a year. Because he moved to Jersey and my mother was still in Chicago. Isn't it like very old fashioned-y? Like it's very like, you're off to war. my mother was still in Chicago. Isn't it very old-fashioned-y? Like, it's very, like, you're off to war. I'll see you again someday. Well, he got a job.

And then she was going to move events. They wrote letters to each other back and forth. That's very romantic. No one ever writes me letters. Well, I mean, it's 2019. Yeah, like, just in the text. This was, like, in the 70s, I think. Yeah, people won't even text me back.

Why do I expect them to write a nice letter? Yeah, I mean, if someone wrote me a letter, letter I'd be like you're coming to kill me yeah actually like how did you get my address someone sent me something and I gave them an address and then they somehow made it to my house like your real house and I was like I didn't give you this address yeah but then I like texted them and I was like what happened he was like no I sent it to the address you sent you told me and I was like okay and then I thought about it I was like well when it did get delivered the FedEx man called me was like hello I was like hi and he was like is this Nicole and I was like who is this yeah he was like is this Nicole and I said no I need to know who this is he's like FedEx I said okay

he's like did you get your package? And I was like, yes. And it was very strange. Yeah, weird. I don't. I think that's a little serial killer-y. Right? Is the FedEx going to try to kill me?

I mean, who calls on the phone and just asks who it is? I don't know. Like, wouldn't you just be like, I delivered a package for someone named Nicole. I mean, usually FedEx doesn't call. I mean, they also don't bring your package. Strange. So two points of contact now. Yeah, FedEx is weird. There's What was that?

There was a popcorn kernel in my dock. You didn't hear it hit the ground and roll, but I did. Yeah, that was so fucking weird. Is it holding it all day? Yeah. Are there more? I don't think so.

Your dog is a couch cushion. How embarrassing. I have to give him a bath. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. There's a popcorn kernel in his hair. I wasn't going to address it, but we all heard it roll. Yeah. I thought it was not going to be as loud as it was

well you know me and my dog two of the dirtiest people in america love you guys um what was i gonna ask you what's the worst date you've ever been on worst date worst date oh i know um it was when i first moved to new york since 2012 2012. I met a guy on OkCupid. He had a really great profile and he was 6'5". And I was like, wow, interesting. We went out for drinks and his friends were there. They'd all just gotten back from some group trip. They were all the nicest, shiniest people ever.

They're like, we love going to Australia. And I'm like, yay, they like me. And I was like, wow, I met a whole group of nice people in a night. Things are wonderful. He was charming. So finally he was like, okay, well, they're going to bounce. But there's a party. Do you want to go to a party?

And I'm like, yeah. Like if it's more people like these people, that sounds nice. We go to this party. This is 2012. It's Bushwick in 2012. It's a warehouse that's like a trap party the moment we get in there he like drinks an entire bottle of whiskey oh no that's not great you're too drunk to do this the music was really bad like it wasn't like trap music like mumblecore rap like it wasn't

like what is popular today it was like the early stages so it just sounded like a meat grinder and I was like okay this is turning then he's like can you give me 50 bucks and I was like for what and he was like I need to go buy cocaine and it's my last chance and I'm like and it's my last chance so I I don't know why I did this I gave him 50 because you gotta see where this is yeah I was like I want to see what happens. And then also, it's your Coke. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was thinking.

I'm like, maybe I'll do cocaine tonight. So he gets the Coke. He puts it on a key. We go to the bathroom. He takes a bump. He's like, just put some on your gums. So he did that. I was like, I don't know if this is good.

And then he's like, do you want to suck my dick? Meanwhile, the bathroom is literally just like a toilet overflowing with pee. Everything's sticky. You know how it goes. I'm like, I would not like to give you a blowjob in this bathroom. Also, I think you may have peed in the toilet. I think this is you. So I was like, okay.

Basically, I'm going to do more coke. I leave the bathroom. I go outside. I get in an unmarked car that I believe is a cab. It takes me to my house. I'm not dead, thank God. And then the coke hit, and I cleaned my whole apartment and bought my bartender roommate sandwiches when they got home at 4 a.m. But it was bad.

Also, the next day, he followed up. He texted me and asked me to send him $20 for Chinese food. I was like, why would I do that? He's like, because I bought the coke. I'm like, no, you didn't. You snorted all of it, and it was my money would I do that he's like because I bought the coke I'm like no you didn't you snorted all of it and it was my money and then I had to block him damn

not great not great honestly he was running a scam on you oh yeah I like I think I fully understand now

that at 22 I had no contact wait did you guys eat Chinese food or was he ordering Chinese food he was gonna order it but he needed money to do so and I'm like

I'm not gonna give you my card number that's really funny can I have $20 eat Chinese food or was he ordering Chinese food? He was going to order it, but he needed money to do so. And I'm like, I'm not going to give you my card number. That's really funny. Can I have $20 for Chinese food? What? I want the Coke. Yeah, but I'm not with you now. Yes, but I'm hungry. Well, that makes sense.

That is so wild. What a wild man. I love him. Yeah, honestly, I'm sure he's dead. There's no chance he's still alive. I think I probably would have gone out with him a wild man. I love him. Yeah, honestly, I'm sure he's dead. There's no chance he's still alive. I think I probably would have gone out with him a second time. You're like, he seems fun. Yeah.

Honestly, I was just too broke at the time to keep up his Chinese. Yeah, to keep up his little spending habits. Yeah. What's another? Have you had any more bad dates? Oh, man. Not especially. I've had like dates that ended in sex that was, like, weird or, like, something embarrassing happened. Do you want to share?

Yeah, I'll tell you. So this wasn't actually a date. It was one of those nights where you go out with all your friends. And we ended up at, like, a cool gay bar in Hell's Kitchen in New York. And the only other straight person there was this guy so we started making out on the dance floor because we were drunk so I was like great we're leaving we're going back to my house in Brooklyn so we take a car uh I put on Frank Ocean's Channel Orange album we're boning and my bed is like weirdly lofted like I think I like no one really has a box spring anymore but I

was like I'm not throwing it away so it was like the bed is way too high like it's already a problem but we're fucking in the bed and at one point i'm like okay like i'm gonna like get on my knees and like do something sexy like do something weird kissing on like the stomach or whatever i don't know and i like literally back flipped off the bed but also like not even like that was kind of funny he didn't know what happened he was like where did you go and i scraped all of my toes so i was bleeding like lift back into bed crying and then we just never finished and the next morning i was like you gotta go oh no and those sheets did have like weird bloody toes it's bad i don't think we ever fucked again.

I would have been like, I'm bleeding, but we got to finish. Exactly. Like I got to put my feet in a comfortable position. Do you not have a box spring now? I, no, I don't. I live in a furnished house. Is that like a thing? People don't have box springs?

I think that like beds aren't made for them anymore. Like they used to have a deeper like side. So now it's like the headboard is like ruined or like it's just hidden. If you have a box spring, like I think that spring mattresses are passing. Oh, I have a box spring. I just bought a box.

Does it feel like it's really like, Oh, it's super high up. My bread, my frame is also raised. So I have to climb into bed and I fucking love it. It feels very regal until you fall out of bed. Fair.

And I have not had sex in my bed yet. But I do like to move around so like my bed knows what's coming. Yeah, that's same for sure. Because 2020, I'm gonna be fucking. Yeah, you gotta get those preliminary rocks in. I cannot wait for 2020. Me neither. I'm running for it.

2019 feels like it is crawling to a finish. I have never felt a year go slower than this one. Someone said to me the other day, they were like, do you remember like that Old Town Road came out this year? And I'm like, no, it didn't. What? It did? Yes.

Old Town Road feels like it happened three years ago and it was just this summer. I truly thought it was two years ago. Oh my God. This year's a decade. Yeah, truly. It's been too long. We got to get was just this summer. I truly thought it was two years ago. Oh my god. This year's a decade. Yeah truly it's been too long we got to get rid of this year. I'm so over it. I'm over it too. I thought it was a did you have a bad year do you have a good year? It was like a good year career wise but I feel like it was just stressful like the length of it felt like everything was harder than it had to be. I agree. I'm like, why is it still going? Like, everything is inconvenient. I moved, and moving is the worst thing you could do.

Moving sucks. I was like, oh, I thought I had money, but actually, I don't. Moving is so expensive. It's the most expensive. I know this isn't true, but I swear it cost $50,000 to move to L.A. Like, every week I was just burning it. When I moved, I moved 15 minutes away from my old apartment to where I live now

and it cost so much money it's so much the movers I had my car shipped from Kentucky that was a thousand bucks I like

getting to it why did you have a car shipped from Kentucky so that's where I'm from and when I moved to New York like I bought a car in Kentucky right before I decided

to move to New York so I paid it off while I was in New York but I just like drive it on holidays and then I got here and York, but I just like drive it on holidays. And then I got here and everyone drives crazy. I'm like, I'm not getting a nice car. Like we're going to drive this Nissan Cube

and you guys can just fuck it up. Yeah, Nissan Cube. Yeah, you know, get that Cube. Hell yeah. I call it Cuba Gooding Jr., but he's canceled. Oh, did he get canceled? I mean, I don't know if it's official, but he for sure is getting lots of accusations.

Dang. But the car is not going to change his name. Cuba Gooding Jr. is very funny for a car name. It's great. My old car's name was Sam Champion, which doesn't make any sense. He's just a weatherman on the East Coast. That's a real person?

Yeah. That's a great name. He's a real tan man who gives you the weather. Sam Champion is my favorite car name. And I don't know why that was my old car's name. My new car doesn't have a name. Yeah, I have a hard time. I don't know.

All of my cars, I've had three cars, four cars. I totaled the first one. That was the Dutchess R.I.P. The second one was the Duke because I had to get it. It looked exactly the same. We got them both from police car accidents, apparently. You know, Cavaliers get repossessed all the time really yeah so probably because they were a super cheap car and then yeah people be

like oh yeah i could afford to pay this off and it was like no i can't yeah like actually like it's it was only 300 bucks but it's really crazy um so those were the two and then um oh i forget i had an infinity and i don't remember what I called her ooh an infinity yeah it was old it was a 95 but it had heated seats electric like moving shit

great bass a Bose sound system ooh and then it all broke because the I don't know something very easy to fix wasn't fixed

and I was like cool so I've had a bad long history with cars but that part is so expensive my first car's name was putt putt because when he would go up hills he'd go and sometimes i just had like the keibler elves

were under my hood it would be like having a little rave and uh after putt putt oh then that was sam champion yeah now my current car nice yeah. Yeah. The Duke, the second Cavalier, had this problem where sometimes the passenger door would just open while you're driving. And I'd have people in front seat and we'd take a turn at the mall and be like, just huge car door open. And like, oh my God. I'm like, is your seatbelt on? That's terrifying because I hate wearing my seatbelt. So I probably would have fallen out of your car. You would have absolutely dug and rolled

and gotten hit by the next car I've been hit by several cars maybe just two damn you got hit by cars legit yeah but like both times I was doing a bit my bit is getting run over

where my friend is like going very slowly and I like jump out in front of it and then twice my friends were like well I'm gonna hit you and you know

high school is a wild time my dog is like falling off this couch yeah I feel like your dog is like honestly protesting he also needs a bath desperately he's the dirtiest dog

in America he's getting all those popcorn kernels out I can't believe he had popcorn in his fur do you have an animal? I have none do you want an animal?

I don't know I think that in my dream world I would have a rabbit a rabbit? yeah cause you just leave it in the cage all day and it is really self-sufficient. But then you come home,

you hold it for a while, then it poops in on you and you're like okay, goodbye. Why don't you get a cat? I feel like cats are so polarizing. I think I would lose friends if I got a cat. Really? Yeah, I have a lot of friends who have been in love and then the person hid that they had a cat from them. And when they finally

went over there, they're like, this has to end like your cat is the problem oh my god like they smell bad they're gross they like themselves the hairball thing like i don't know if you've ever seen a real hairball no it is horrible it's like they just like pack mucus into hair and then spit it at you like it's gross and sometimes i mean i feel like cats like i have had some friends not all of my friends who have cats but some friends where they don't smell it. You know what I mean? Like, you know they have a cat and you've never been to their house, but they're like, they don't know that it smells like that.

Interesting. Like ammonia cat smell. Ammonia cat smell? Yeah, because their pee is like ammonia. Oh, boy. Yeah. I guess I've never really noticed cat smells. And like they shed way worse.

Whoever likes cats is going to be like one star review on this episode. Akilah's a bitch. I mean, people do love cats. Like people who have cats love their cats. They do. But also like it's a disease. You know toxoplasmosis? What?

It's that disease where the cats like basically like mark you and then more cats are attracted to you. That's why some people become cat people. Like other cats just keep coming at them and they don't even know. They're like marked. It's a disease. I'm afraid of cats. I don't know. And I've never had a dog.

And I think that like they're just like waking up before I want to to help something. I'm like, it better be my own child so I don't murder it. Well, he will. Yeah, fair. He'll wake up early, but he'll chill out till I take him on a walk nice he doesn't he's never like please please please my friend's dog shit all over her walls because she's like hit snooze on her walls yeah like literally like just on the like put his butt against the wall and smeared it that's disgusting like yo I the disrespect like I would go to jail no one can do this to me

you can't do that so i just have fears i also so i work at crooked media and it's like a kennel like everyone has a dog there's like literally a sign-up sheet in like hours because people everyone wants to bring their dog and they're like not all the dogs like each other so like you have to know when you can bring yours oh that, that's very funny. Yeah. So it's like I'm always around dogs. So it's not like I need my own necessarily. And I do think that like some of those dogs are very dismissive. Fair. Yeah.

Sometimes dogs are rude. I couldn't take that kind of rejection. If I'm like paying for things and the dog doesn't like me, I'd be like, wow, like we shouldn't be together. Well, I feel like the minute you meet a dog, it's like, this dog likes you or this dog doesn't like me. And then you don't have to buy the dog or get the dog that doesn't love you. Yeah, you're exactly right. Get the one that likes you. I mean, I think that's true.

But wouldn't, like, every rescue dog like you? No. They're all like, please save me from this hellish place. No, some of them are, like, mean and don't want to be your friend. I mean, maybe that is the dog. We could be bitches together. I like having it because I don't feel alone. I mean maybe that is the dog we can be bitches together i like having it because i don't feel alone i mean that's real everyone's like you won't be as lonely i have a housemate and he's bi-coastal and i very rarely see him because i live in the guest house it's a weird

situation it's not weird so he lives in the front house you live in the back yeah but i'm black so it's like kind of like it seems a little it's a mess i you your breakfast yeah I'll go back to my house yeah the slave quarters are fine is it like a pool house is there a pool oh yeah

who is this person I mean you don't have to say their name he's really cool you'd like him he's like a producer we met doing the HBO pod save thing

he's friends with lots of cool people and he brought two of the celebrities who made cameos and I found out we had some mutual friends and then he had some dank living situation here like rich person lives in the hills

is never home and he was just living there for free then they were like we're actually coming back so he wanted to go in on a house he needed one more person technically there's another person but we've never met him and he's never been in the house but he pays rent wait what it's all bizarre so he bought a house no no we're all renting it's his furnished house oh okay so you're renting a furnished house with three people it's like reverse threes company like two dudes and me but one of the dudes has never been to the house he lives in berlin full-time and he's just like decided to pay rent the past three months so what like just in case he has to be in la yeah i And he just like decided to pay rent the past three months. So what? Like just in case he has to be in L.A.? Yeah. I think he's like one of those like trust fund kids, but it's

cool. I mean, sure. Yeah. My mom stayed in his room for Thanksgiving. So like it's helpful. That's nice. Did you have a good Thanksgiving? No, it was rainy here. It was so cold and rainy here. It was 48 degrees three days in a row. We, I mean, we did watch all of Watchmen. I got stoned with my mom for the first time ever,

which was like something I've been waiting for. Did she smoke a lot of weed? When she was in high school? Yes. I didn't like, I read her yearbook when I was like 12

and one of the things like loved hot boxing with the Maryland and I was like, mom was hot boxing. She's like, put that away. Oh wow.

But in her adulthood, she's been like very like, even in New York, mama's hotbox and she's like put that away oh wow but in her adulthood she's been like very like even in new york obviously i had weed and she like would never she's like i don't want any but she was here she's like man my back is hurting my sciatica is out of control and i'm like mom let's get stoned and we watched watchmen we laughed all night and then we saw knives out but it was like it was just super chill and i she flew across the country to like sit in a house i mean some people's love language is like just spending time with somebody that's right I think she honestly also like she's getting older I don't think she was like super enthralled by the idea of like walking around Los Angeles so it was a good excuse but I mean

it's like what are you gonna walk around and say so cold I'm also I guess jaded because I live here so I'm like I don't know what do you want to yeah I and see? It was so cold. I'm also, I guess, jaded because I live here. So I'm like, I don't know. What do you want to? Yeah, I don't know what is that? Like, I mean, in New York, I feel like you just wander because you look at stuff. But here I'm like, it's not really like a thing you look at. We really got to find a place and be there. Yeah.

It's like, what do you? You going to go to the beach? I don't know. My sister came once and I was like, so what do you want to do? And she was like, I don't know. What do you want to do? And I was like, I don't know. My answer answer is just Disneyland and no one wants to go to Disneyland I'm telling you everyone is like why would you want to do that I'm like because it's like an alternate reality

because real reality is bad I don't like Disney I was on the Kelly Clarkson show thank you so much and there was a lady that we were helping uh a date with someone. So it was like the voice where she was turned around and two dudes talked and they were like, I would take you on a date to Disney. She was like a real Disney head. So she picked the dude that said that their first date would be Disney. And I was like, that is a sociopath. Anybody wants to take you to Disney World on a first date is crazy. I would love that. You know why?

If you're on a ride and it's going poorly, you don't even hear them. There's so many ways to escape them. It's so distracting. Okay, so you don't like it. But not all day. So you meet someone. They go, let's go to Disney. And you go, alright, great. So then you guys drive together

to Disney. So like for me, that's like an hour. That's really long. So you're in a car for an hour with somebody to get to know them for the first time. And then you park. And then you've got to walk to the park for me, that's like an hour. That's really long. So you're in a car for an hour with somebody to get to know them for the first time. And then you park and then you've got to walk to the park. Yeah, it takes like 25 to 30 minutes. Then you're in the park. You've spent too much money to get in. You spent $1,000 on a hot dog.

The parking. And then you're like, I hate this person, but you spent money. You also have 10 more hours. So you have to spend the day with them. I would never. You are a crazy fucking person if you're taking me to Disneyland on our first date. I would do it as like a big group date. Like if it was like six friends and then we could switch off dudes if we didn't like them. A group date?

What is this? You can't have a key party at Disney? I think we should make it a thing. I have a friend who just does a bunch of shrooms and goes like every other day. Really? No, thank you. And she's so fulfilled. Does not seem fun or good to me.

So do you think 2020 is going to be your year and you're going to find somebody? I think it's my year in every regard. I think I'm going to meet someone. We're going to fall in love. I'll probably get pregnant immediately. Oh, wow. I'm going to move into my own house. I honestly don't want to.

My house is great, but I'll do it. Fine. We'll move into a house together that he pays for. I think my to move into my own house. I honestly don't want to. My house is great, but I'll do it. Fine. We'll move into a house together that he pays for. I think my job will continue to be awesome. Other jobs will continue to arise. My skin will clear up. My hair will stop being so dandruffy. That's the thing about LA I hate.

It's too dry. The water here is weird, too. Yo, I've never had dandruff. It's like dermatitis or something. It's not even regular dandruff. It's like blue. My scalp is just like dark blue dots that just like explode wow like if i just like touched my head right now it would be like a snowstorm i would say please don't yeah i want to like keep

this place i keep that for you you take that home with you no one needs my skin flakes but you know we're just trying to survive just out here in these streets trying to survive. Yeah. So we've come to the end. I ask this question almost every week. Some weeks I forget. Would you date me?

Yeah. Oh, my God. We would have a lot of fun. I wouldn't take you to Disneyland. Thank you. But I do think that we could both sit on my couch, play Nintendo Switch

until we realized the game was too long and hard, watch House Hunters International. No. Judge the people. You don't like the international? I hate international. Because they always have $3 and they always go to Ecuador and they're like,

this house is 15 bucks. Yeah. Comes with a cleaning lady and an ocean for you. And they're like, it's not going to. I don't like it. The tile is bad. It's so annoying.

I feel like the house hunters in America though, they always end up in like the same house. Like I think it's one house that they just like go through. No one has an original style in their house. No. And then I like looking at the, okay, so there was pool hunters for a hot second. That was a show? Pool hunters was great. It was almost

like, I feel like it was a bit. It was like how many times can we say pool in an episode of house hunters? But this pool's not good. Surprise. Also, who has specifics for Hunters? And they're like, can't be. Surprise. Also, who has specifics for a pool? Like they want it to be shaped like something? Deep enough?

I don't know. A cleaning person comes with it? A bunch of kids being like, I can't wait till we get a pool. Because when we get a pool, we can swim in the pool. Because we love pools. Pools, pools, pools. Mom, if you love me, you'll get a pool. Yeah, it was a wild show.

Okay, so we're at the end. I already said that. But if you like this episode of, oh, I want you to hate me. Oh, wait, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, fuck yeah. Okay. I host What A Day. It's a daily news pop culture podcast at Crooked Media.

It is a lot more fun than every other daily news podcast. We make jokes. A lot of the jokes are bad. And you don't feel like I got informed and now I have to die you think huh I feel empowered and I also don't know all like I don't have to learn all the things that aren't important I'm not distracted so that comes out every single day from Crooked Media what a day um my book obviously stories from my timeline it's a bunch of essays you should get it it's chill it's available everywhere that books are sold and where books are stolen.

If you'd like to just go steal it from a Barnes and Noble. Just steal it from a Barnes and Noble. You didn't hear me. Whatever you want to do, but read it. And follow me on Twitter, at Akilah, obviously. She got jokes. Ya, ya, ya, ya. Okay, and if you like this episode, you can rate it and subscribe and, I don't know, listen to it more.

And if you send me something nasty, I will read it. This person said, I'd love to fill your ass with my cum, stick a butt plug in it. Ew. Then walk you around all day so you're like my own little milk jug. How awful. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. This was terrible. I love that.

But that's it. I was better before I heard that bye bye this has been a Team Coco production.