Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We Dated?! (w/ Lou Wilson)

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

Happy 4th of July!(?) Comedian Lou Wilson (Dimension 20, Jimmy Kimmel Live!) joins Nicole to reflect on the wild state of America. He shares his terrible time living in Boston, where white guys frequently asked him for the N-word pass. They talk about what it was like to sell out Madison Square Garden in just 10 minutes withDimension 20, being a “silly billy” on dates, and the moment Lou realized bits don’t always land on dates when you’re trying to build intimacy. They also bond over the guilty thrill of watching other couples on visibly bad dates, and the drama they've witnessed unfold one table over. Plus, Lou reminds Nicole that they once dated. Nicole completely forgot. He gives an honest review of what it was like to date her, and why there was never a second date. Y'all, it's a wild one.Check out Lou Wilson's podcast, Worlds Beyond Number.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» CashApp: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/3v6r90n6 #CashAppPod *Referral Reward Disclaimer: As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Oh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me A Cod... A Cod Cat? Oh my god. We talking cod? Oh baby, welcome to another episode of why won't you date me a cod cat? Ooh. Oh my God. We talking cod?

Am I allowed to talk? Should I be quiet for the start? You can do whatever you want. Okay, fantastic. A podcast, I'm not even gonna start over, a podcast for me to hold fire, was trying to figure out why I was still single, even though you could come on my nightstand

and tell me that's just your medication. My guest today is an actor, comedian, and musician. The U-Dell is the on-air announcer for Jimmy Kimmel Live! And a cast member of Dimension 20 and host of the podcast, World's Beyond Number, The Wizard, The Witch, and The Wild One. Dimension 20 Live, Gotland at the Garden, is now streaming on Dropout. Plus, they're taking the show, I got more, they're taking the show on the road.

You better believe, Seattle, July 20th, and Las Vegas on November 1st is probably already sold out. If you're listening to this, sorry about it. God bless America. It's Lou Wilson. Happy Fourth of July. To all the Patriots out there. We love America!

We love, it's a great time to be an American. Grab yourself a fucking hot dog and a slice of American cheese, motherfucker. Yeah, separately. Separately. Don't eat them together, no. Oh my goodness. Lou, thank you so much for being here. It't eat them together. No. Jeez. Oh my goodness. Lou, thank you so much for being here.

It's a thrill to be here. Thanks so much for having me. What a treat. You know, here's a fun thing about America that's probably settled up by now. Trump got a plane from Qatar. Isn't that wild? Isn't it just crazy?

Isn't it wild? My man's just getting gifts and going, thank you. Like, thanks, thank you. He is, it's unfortunate that he's funny. Yeah. Because he said, why shouldn't I accept it? And I was like, honestly, that's how I feel when someone gives me something.

Yeah, exactly. I better accept this. The president is just a human being, you know? If you were gifted a plane, would you go, no, no, no? Oh, I would go out, yes, yeah, yeah. What a thrill. Yeah, truly, a 40, a $400 million plane. $400 million, that's almost half a billion dollars.

That's so much money for a plane. Come on. My God. I have to imagine that plane is amazing. Oh, it's probably the nicest plane you've ever seen or stepped foot in. It's got rooms, it's like a four bedroom, too bad. It's a hotel in the sky. That's amazing.

The other thing he said, and this is also old news, but it made me laugh so hard. He said, my friend called me after he got the fat shot and I said to him, it's not working. It's annoying. It's annoying and he's genuinely, and he's genuinely funny. That man is funny. He's got jokes. Imagine your best friend is the president of the United States and you turn on CNN and he's talking shit about you being fat.

You're like, man, it's crazy. I mean, it means so much to me that I get to still have conversations like this with my friend who even though he's the president now, I can still kind of confide in him about my changing body. And then you turn on the news. And then he fat shames you on CNN. No, not working dog. God, he is so funny.

Oh, well, happy Fourth of July. Lou, I didn't we were talking before we started recording. I didn't know you grew up in Los Angeles, California. I did. I'm they used to call us a unicorn when I moved out here. I don't know if there's still... That word means a lot of other things now, but I think that, yeah. It means somebody that you bring into your relationship as a third. But yeah, I born and raised in Altadena, California. My family's from out here. My parents grew up here.

But then you left. You went to went to Boston that's four years pretty wild Yeah, I was pretty intense about it, too I was like at the time I was like I have to get out of Los Angeles I have to leave I need to know what snow feels like on my cheeks I want to fall into a pile of leaves like all the kids in the movies I really for you fucking suck I love I loved my time in Boston. There's a lot of racism there, and there's a lot of snow there,

and those are just two things I'm not, I actually came to learn I'm not super about. You know? I was happy, like Boston for three days, yeehaw. Sounds great. Yeehaw, motherfucker. Let's have fun. Boston for three days, yee-haw. Sounds great. Yee-haw, motherfucker. Let's have fun. Boston for four years was tough.

Tough. I love Boston because I have only performed in Boston and have not lived and walked around and really experienced the racism. But their accent really makes that hard R really sad. Let me tell you. Real great and on your soul. There was something really, I feel like I met like six or seven people when I was at,

I went to Boston College and I met six or seven people for whom I was their like first black friend. Like they had not had the opportunity to make one previously, like in the other 18 years of their life, the opportunity had never arrived. Arose. Yes, and then there was a really, I had two different white men be like, please, please let me call you the N-word.

Please, it would mean so much to me. It would mean so much to me. I will never forget sitting on the steps of the Cambridge, like, Cambridge, like, city hall, before an improv practice, hanging with my friend, and he was just like, I don't know, man, we're pretty tight, right? Like, I can call you my nigga, right?

And I was just like, I don't know, yeah, yeah. Oh no! But he never did it after that day, but there was just that one day on the courthouse I was like, I don't know, yeah, yeah. Oh no. But he never did it after that day, but there was just that one day on the courthouse where he was like, I just, I feel like I wanna call you, my nigga. And four years previous, another friend had been like, can you please, can I please call you my nigga?

And I had done it. I had walked up to him in a dining hall when he was talking to somebody, I've been like, what's up my nigga? And you could just, the way it lit his soul up, like I had given him the gift he had wanted his whole life. It meant so much to him. It's wild.

It's what they wanted so badly. They wanted so, so bad. They wanted so badly, I'll tell you. And again, this is old news, but on TikTok, we'd be calling Gingers the black people now, and it's really funny to me In terms of just that they've like had a hard experience. It's just I think a dumb joke I'm like 90% sure. It's just like a ha ha ha yeah fun if we call them black people too. Yeah, okay

But yeah, it's wild I've been asked several times, and I'm like no. Thank you. I don't think so It took it took that second time to kind of realize, oh, there's something really, there's something deep and dark underneath this that was, I wanted, like when I was a freshman in college, I was like, oh, I really wanna fit in. Everyone is 18 and young and meeting black people for the first time and doesn't know how to act.

That one four years later, I was like, okay, this is bad, this is wrong. The whole situation's pretty tough for me. Yeah. You just get some white person being like, my nigga, and then having to do makeup-ups immediately after? Yeah, yeah, you know.

Then I went to improv practice, you know. And then right after you graduated, were you like, gotta head home. Without a doubt. Simply must. I was like, done. We did it I like my whatever like passport stamp you get for living in like a Tough city with bad weather and mean people for four years. I was like done it did it done it

Let's go home to to appreciate this thing I was so eager to run away from but you're like no no these people are nice My parents did the work my grandparents did the work for me. They lived other places, they said, let's move to Los Angeles. This is actually as good as it gets. And I had to learn that in my own way, but now I know it for sure. It's funny, the older I get, the more I'm like, my mother was right. She was right about that, she was right about that, and that stupid bitch.

She dead, so I can't tell her He we went no contact Did you date a lot in Boston? No, no I didn't go on like a proper date until I moved back to LA after school Yeah, no dating like I don't know dating apps weren't a thing. Mm-hmm, and I was a shy and I was a shy boy and so there was Boston was not a Did I ask anybody I asked like one person on the day? Mm-hmm This woman named Gigi was Cape Verdean. Never forget that I asked this Cape Verdean girl on a date

That's funny. You were like I'll find someone black adjacent Hey, let me tell you, at Boston College, you know, there were less than 100 black males at a school of 9,000 people when I was there. I feel like it's BC alumni about to get in my ass. I don't know, but anyway, yes, they were like, yes, I had to go, I was like, I'll take it. But she, I think then one of her grandparents died until we never went on.

She had to go back to North Africa? Yeah, go back to North Africa. And we never rescheduled, so. We never rescheduled. Sadly. Oh my God, that's so wild. So, okay, are you dating someone now? I'm seeing someone, yeah.

Did you meet on an app or did you meet in real life? We met in real life. Wow, a nice little throwback. A nice little throwback, a little classic action. How did you meet, you tell me? We met on, they came to one of my shows. Nice, nice, nice. And then they came to another one,

and then they came to a third, and then I was like, I feel like, then they came to one that was $20. And I remember having explicit thought that I was like, you didn't pay $20 to- To just see me? To just see some improv out here. It's like, you paid $20 to be around.

And so- Okay. Then afterward I asked them if they wanted to grab a drink and they said yes. Oh, I love it. There it is. How long did your first date last? Do you remember? The two with that person? Mm-hmm.

We have like two first dates. We have like the one that was just after, like that was casual. Like we went on a, they came to an improv show and then afterwards, we all went to, everyone went to a bar, and we kind of did our own thing in a separate part of the bar. And then we went on an actual first date.

And that first date I think lasted through dinner, a walk, a kiss, a drink, and then another kiss. Oh, I love that. That's so sweet. The last first date I went on, I left after like three hours because I said I wanted to be mysterious, which is after. Three hours?

Uh-huh. Of just intimate eye contact and talking? Yeah, just talking in a bar. Damn, bro. And after three hours, I was like, gotta go, gotta be mysterious. Yeah, you can't give it all away. I already had, it was three hours.

This person knows everything about me, truly. Respect, respect. Wait, so Dimension 20 is wild. I already had it was three hours this person knows everything about me Wait so dimension 20 yeah is wild you guys sold out Madison Square Garden in ten minutes. Oh, we did that's wild How does that fucking feel? I don't think it's like a you can't process that Look it is. I think a lot of the elements around that show around the performance the selling out, the immensity of the love that was shown to us in the moments of people wanting to be a part of this are, I can't explain how it feels.

When people, when it had sold out, I didn't, I don't think I processed that it had sold out for multiple weeks. For like multiple weeks, people would be like, it sold out, and I would be like, uh huh, yeah, yes, yes it did. But there's no like emotions attached to it, it's just somebody feeding me information and me going like, I guess that's a true thing in this world. And I like you know and then to do the show was just you know 17,000 people in the legendary arena and like that's so fucking cool. It's just for you and you're like what's happening? I don't know how I don't know what we did to deserve it

but I'm internally grateful that it got to happen and then I got to do it with people I love so much. And then you're just like gonna go on tour. Yes, and then it's like, oh and then we'll just do it again. We'll do it again at the Hollywood Bowl and then we'll do it again in Seattle and then we'll do it again in Las Vegas. That's so cool. How is the Hollywood Bowl? Did you have that show already?

No, it will have happened before, so I'll just say it was amazing. I'll tell you, my life will never be the same. I fucking love that. That's amazing. I'll tell you, my life will never be the same. I fucking love that. Wait, so did you get into improv when you were in Boston or here? Before, here. I got, my high school had an improv team. Had a comedy sports improv team.

Is that short form? Short form. I cannot tell you how it happened. I have this like rough idea that like, I feel like my parents really wanted me to play a sport and I was like, oh, this is a sport, a competent sport. Like I think there's like some memory I have, but I don't know, maybe that's just something I said

on an interview once and was like, that's clever. But anyway, I started doing improv in high school that kind of led to me doing some theater stuff But when I like went to Boston, I was eager to keep doing improv, but I was like I'm gonna be in advertising I'm gonna be an advertising guy. I'm gonna be a mad man guy. I'm gonna be John Ham That was the path I was on when I got to college. I like when people have career, I went to acting school and then I was like, I'm gonna work at Lane Bryant.

I'm gonna work at Lane Bryant until they tell me to leave. Hold it down dude. They didn't tell me to leave so I left. Yeah, exactly. You kick in the ass and then you go, you find yourself. You just find yourself, you gotta just you gotta Leave the store to find who you are Came into their own and then started doing make-em-up. Oh

What theater did you do? I did a Commedia del Arte play called scoping, you know, and then Say it like that. It was called Scopino Scopino Scopino Yeah, it was like an Italian farce Scopino I was actually just at the the like retirement party

for my high school theater director and I was talking to a bunch of people. I then skipped two shows because I liked theater so much. And I liked the experience of doing it so much that I was like, I actually can't deal with the chance that I'll be rejected or that people, or that you like, that was like a moment. So I went and joined the crew for two shows. And I said I had to study for the SAT,

and then I did the last show of my senior year, which was Little Shop of Horrors, and I was Audrey II. That's fun. I love theater. It is. I watched a high school production of Hadestown three days ago, and it fucking ripped. What?

It was nothing better than these 17 year olds walking around singing about love and with so much soul. It was really special. I love that you go to, was this like a high school that you know? This was my, the high school I went to. It was a two part, you went to his retirement party

and then we all went and saw his last show. Oh, I really love that. So we all watched, you know, and it was crazy, man. It was like I was watching these kids have the experience that I had, you know, 10 or almost 20, not 20 years ago, like 15 years, no, 10 years ago. No. You don't have to do the math. This is bad. You simply don't have to. It's 15, my 15 year high school reunion.

You don't have to tell anyone how old you are. You don't have to do the math. You guys just figure it out. Yeah, you figure it out. You figure it out. But yeah, I did, yeah, like watching other people have the experience that I had and was like, oh, of course this is meaningful.

Of course, like this man's out here doing plain Hermes, wearing purple shoes, 14 year old, singing and dancing. And you're like, oh yeah, you'll remember this. I saw a tweet that was like, my sister's high school is doing rent, but instead of AIDS, it's diabetes. And that crushed me. That was so funny to me.

Don't do Anything else there's so many plays there's so many plays there's so many people like we have to do 5,000 25 Like we're so desperate to sing that song we're like we'll just bend it We'll just bend I don't just rent work if everyone has diabetes. I mean advanced very advanced diabetes Maybe literally dies. It's like she waited too long for her insulin shot and saw angel like Everyone just got nubs walking around. But also I'm like, AIDS? What? We could talk about AIDS. We're so far into the future.

We have to be talking about AIDS. We must be talking about AIDS. Truly. Oh my gosh. Did you date when you were in high school at all? No wait, when was your first date? My first date, I would, I think my first proper date was at like 20, like at 23. 23 I want to say.

I was at a, is this really it? Yeah, I was at a Halloween party and I walked up to somebody dressed as Beyonce and I was like, this sick a sick costume. And they were like, thank you. And I was like, can I get your number? And they were like, yeah. And then we went on a date. And we went on a date at that place that was next to that place we all used to go after improv shows.

Gosh, the big one, it was like big and on Vermont. Big on Vermont. It's like a big bar, had two floors. Oh, public house. Public house, yes. We went to that place next to, or we tried to go to Bar Covell, and it was too crowded, so we went to public house.

And we talked about tennis a lot, never went on another date. Talked about tennis a lot. A lot of tennis. That's very, someone broke up with me because they were too busy tennis a lot a lot of tennis. That's very Someone broke up with me because they were too busy with tennis too busy with too busy with tennis in their job They had to prioritize tennis. Yes, and I said, oh Okay, cool. I hope you get really good at tennis And are they I don't know they're on private and I can't look anymore

And are they? I don't know. They're on private and I can't look anymore. Damn, bro. Absolutely devastated when they go on private, you know? I know. And it's not like I'm stalking. No. It's just when you pop in my brain,

I want to see what you're up to. Yes, just a quick little check in. Are you happy? Yes. What's going on? Could I help? Maybe you need assistance. Did you miss me?

Exactly. Are you posting about missing me? Yeah, just in case, you know, because I would like to know. This person picked me up in a Prius and when they dropped me off, I think I've told this story before, but when they dropped me off, I said, I like hit my phone a bunch and I went, five stars, because a lot of Priuses are Ubers. He didn't like that joke.

And then we went out again and he had a brand new car. I bullied him and he took a brand new car. He was like, I bullied a manager. Hell yes. And took a new car. Hell yes. I probably dodged a bullet. I mean, honestly, yeah. If somebody is like, if somebody does a five star joke

and they go, all right, fuck it. To the dealership. Get a new, a whole new car. What's up, I'll take out a loan. Fuck this, I'm done. I'm done. Lou, what's the worst date you've been on? What is the worst? A whole new car. What's up? I'll take out a loan. Fuck this, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Lou, what's the worst date you've been on? What is the worst?

Is it all right if I was the worst part of it? Yes. I've been on, I've done that. I think my most embarrassing date, and I think it was probably awful for this person, is we, it was really cool. We met at a person, is we, we like, it was really cool, we like met at a bar, and then like, you know, again, I was like, can I have your number?

They were like, yeah. I love this very lackadaisical approach, and you can't get your own number, your eyes are glazed over and they're like, mm-hmm. You know, I'm a pretty anxious, intentional person in my life, but when it comes to asking people on a date, you know, you just gotta, hey person in my life, but when it comes to asking people on a date, you know, you just gotta,

hey, what's up? I get you. Hey, what's up? We just gonna hang out some time? What's up? No, but so I got this person's number, we met, we lived in the same neighborhood, so we like walked to lunch.

And at lunch, this person was doing like a ton of bits. We were doing a ton of bits. It was a very silly date, right? Like there was a lot of like talking about parts of our lives and then like spinning off into things that were clearly absurd. And so there was a point at the date, in the date where I like,

their food finally came after a long time and I was like, all right, I just wanna make a toast. Like, haha, we're gonna wait even longer. And she really quickly took a bite of something and I went, I cannot believe it. I stood up, I walked out of the room, I went outside and I stood outside for four minutes.

You know to really sell that I was upset about this person, so I was upset about this person. So I went outside for four minutes. I stand outside for four minutes. I come back in, I go, hey. She goes, are you okay? I go, yeah, of course we're doing bits.

She goes, I'm just sorry, I had a partner who used to get really upset about stuff. And I was like, nah, nah, nah, we're just doing bits. Hey, hey, hey, we're just hanging out. And so we continued to have lunch. Things kinda get back on track. More bits, more bits, lots of bits. Putting me in that just funny guy mindset,

this part is deeply embarrassing. We were walking. At some point she takes a phone call. I'm like, ha ha, she takes a phone call. I like hide from her. I don't know how I did it. We were like walking down the street and I like peeled off and I like hid from her.

And there's this, I will never forget this feeling of hiding in this restaurant while she is walking down the like this lane of cars, excitedly looking for me. And then at some point gives up and it's just like, I'm done and keeps walking. And then I'm like, all right, just wait one more minute. And then I went out and chased her down. I was like, ha ha ha ha.

And the light was gone from her eyes. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. And then I remember I texted her later and was like, do you wanna go out again? She was like, I don't think so. But I was a real menace on that date. I learned a lot on that one. It's really funny.

I think it was funny, but I don't think it was attractive. I just really like that you really triggered this woman. When I came in... Or this person. When I came back from the date, or like being outside the restaurant, it felt serious. There was like a really intense check-in moment that was like, are we good? And I was like, I'm so sorry that I did that to you. I like that you did that. There was a serious check-in.

The person was like, it's okay, we'll continue the date. And you were like, I'm gonna traumatize you one more time. Let me get one more. Just to see if you're a silly Billy. Yes. And they were like, I'm not a silly Billy. I'm not a silly Billy, not a silly Billy. I can't do this, that's really fucking funny. Hey, you know, you gotta make those mistakes, you know,

on the journey of life, that's how you grow, so. God, that's so funny. I stopped doing really intense bits on dates after that. No matter how silly the date was. I was once going'm a dick monster And they said you have to never do that again And I said okay, and then we dated for like a little bit after and then I did try to do it again I mean you've got to and this man said to me. What did I say?

And honestly, what did I say is you're naked And that you're most vulnerable trying to get a giggle Do I just Just walk I think I should just walk out of here. Fuck naked. Just go home. It was my home Oh, yeah, I just walk out the window. Yeah, you like. Just fucking goodbye. Holy shit.

What did I say? What did I say? Not to do that, I'm sorry. Damn, dude. I thought it was really funny. Exactly. It is like a bit. I don't know.

Aren't we all, we're all here to have fun. That's how I feel. Yes. Why is this, why does this moment need to be so austere, you know? Right? Everybody relax. Well, Lou, real quick, we're going to relax into a break. Oh.

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I hope people are listening to this on the fourth, you know? On your way to some pool party dressed in in like an American flag tank top, which you're like having a lot of mixed feelings about wearing, and you kind of posted about earlier, you know, kind of your conflicted space that you're moving from, but you still want to celebrate because it's just a good opportunity to see friends and family, you know? That's so funny because there is someone listening right here, right now, who about their American and fly-tang top that they're like listen I don't really stand for what the country's going through right now But I did buy this three years ago, and I don't want to be wasteful with my clothing

You guys gotta understand all right It was in the discount bin at JCPenney while I was checking out. I was like this was funny and three years ago It was funny. It was funny all right. It was ironic. We didn't think this was gonna happen. All right Where do you think the country is right now on the 4th of July? I can't imagine it, you know, I I'm probably drunk right now. I'll tell you right now. I've been drinking. Yeah since early this morning Mm-hmm. I think gee, you know just trying to be like Do you think Kanye has released some new music sing some more hateful shit today? You know, just trying to be like, ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Do you think Kanye has released some new music,

saying some more hateful shit today? Yeah, and I'm sure Spotify just let it be there, you know? Isn't that crazy? Can they not stop it? I don't know! Spotify, what's going on, man? But also, it's like, there's video form of it, and I was like, is it on YouTube?

Where is it? No, we gotta get rid of it. We gotta. Mars, have you heard it? I haven't of it, and I was like, is it on YouTube? Where is it? No, we gotta get rid of it. Marce, have you heard it? I haven't heard it, no. The chorus is just Heil Hitler. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Which is like, what are we doing? What are we doing?

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Bring back the yin-yang twins. Whoa. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, I'm on my hands, I'm on my knees. That's what I want this Fourth of July. Put on some yin-yang twins, all right? Do that for me. Yes, celebrate America. That's my America, all right? What's another bad date you've been on?

Have you misbehaved anymore? Have I misbehaved anymore? That was the wildest cough I've ever seen. It was almost like a nay. Please stop, you know. We're on camera, I'm trying to cough. I feel like I've drank most of my water. Do you need more water?

No, we're good. We can pause. No, there's enough. There's a little sip left. There's a sip left. Oh God, have I been bad on any other dates? Oh, I don't think I've never anything like that, you know? I think, oh gosh.

Like- You were truly a little rascal. That's the only way I can describe it. Just a little rascal. Yes, I was like out here like, like I'm surprised I didn't like put on a weird hat and a mustache and walk out and be like, excuse me miss. No, I like that was a very particular moment because I think I was also I didn't have I didn't lose my virginity until I was like 27.

And I was and I didn't have like a girlfriend until that time as well. So it's like I think there's something this is the dating era post, like, me having a partner where I was kind of like, I'm actually kind of cool and sick now when it comes to dating. Like there's a very, like the me that was dating before I met my first girlfriend was incredibly polite and a real like sweetie, because that's what I thought you had to be.

And then I feel like after I had a girlfriend, I was like, oh, you can you can like I can show more of myself Which I guess better turn into a little rascal and being really silly, but I don't think there were any other dates where I went that Because I also think I did like I was never I didn't really date a lot of like other comedians for the most part I often went on dates with like more normal Not normal, but people civilians civilians I was dating I was dating mostly civilians

So I think there was something like I never had to go that hard until this person Invited me to that place and once we were there we were gone Yeah, I'm trying to think, I don't think I've, if I had other bad dates, I think the closest thing is like I once went on a, I had this, for some reason I had this dream date of going to the batting cages.

I was like, and I like was, I went on a first date with this person and it was nice, and then we were like, let's go on a second date, and I was like, we gotta go to the batting cages, it'll be so fun. And we went to the batting cages, on even the lowest setting, after, like, they give you like 40 pitches, right? And your hands hurt, and at some point,

I do think that was like a moment of pure panic for me, of like bringing this person to the batting cages, being like, this will be fun, and she's hit ten balls, and it's like, my hand's really hurt. And I'm just like, I guess I'll hit thirty balls, and you can watch. Yeah, just watch me. If not, we can leave. We could simply do another thing. For some reason, I was like, we put the money down, somebody's got to hit these balls balls and it's gonna be me

That's so funny. Yeah, and did this person just sit there? Yeah and watch yeah, and I don't you know I Was it's also like I'm not great at baseball either It's just me doing my best against a bunch of 50 mile per hour softballs You know, I'm just like how, how can these come any faster? This task could be over. We have to get to another part of the date. God, that's so funny. I went bowling once.

I might've told this story before, but I went bowling with my now partner, and he's white, and there was another interracial couple directly across from us. I don't wanna say like the better looking version, but they were pretty hot. She was not bowling well. He was killing it. And he kept screaming in her face. He was like, yeah! He was like, in your face! And I was like, oh my god!

Have I told this before? It was truly so wild. Like, you know, was she or like she was trying her hardest She would you know how you like pause a little bit. It felt like she was like Please just let one pin fall down and then it would like go in the middle and then go right to the gutter And he would cheer when she got he would, yeah, when she got a gutter ball. And I was like, this simply can't last. Terrifying. This man is a criminal.

He's so mean. There's no way, yes, the idea that he's like seeing her fry the artist and going, fuck yeah, you idiot. Yes. And then he goes, you wanna play another one? And she goes, okay. And they played another game where he annihilated her. At that point, are you like, do you just stop being on your date and just watch their date?

Yeah, I would be like, hey, look at him. Look at this! He's now dancing around her. Like... We don't know when we're gonna get to see something like this again, alright? We gotta savor it. It's, I really do love seeing couples not having a nice time in places, and I don't know when we're gonna get to see something like this again, all right? We gotta savor it. I really do love seeing couples not having a nice time in places and I don't know why. When I get the sense that there are bad vibes

in a restaurant, I hyper fixate on it. I have to know why the vibes are bad. I have to know who's acting. Why are we on our phones so much? Is it like, I just want, I have to know who's acting, why are we on our phones so much? Is it, like, I just want, I have to know, I can't look away. If I get lucky enough to be out in the wild and observe just two people in a bad situation,

I can't look away. It's wonderful, I love it. Also, I can't imagine being out to dinner with somebody and being on my phone the whole time. I love my phone. I love my phone. I with somebody and being on my phone the whole time. I love my phone I love a nice time on my phone. I had to start putting That little timer on it that tells me times up. Yeah You got it makes you ask for more time. Yes, and I'm like I'm asking my phone for permission to look at pictures of people I don't know what is what are we doing? I'll tell you what future is this?

It's a on that. do you have an Apple phone? I have an Apple phone. So on your Apple phone, on your iPhone. No, no, it's an Apple phone. On your Apple phone, there's, you could do screen time and then set limits. And I have a two hour limit, which is insane. Two hours is pretty solid.

A day? A day. And I hit it every day. Cut to me at 11 p.m. being like Just 15 let me make it to midnight, please. It's wild. I have mine only set for like 45 Oh, there will be times where I like can't sleep like I've had to delete the Instagram app on my phone at this point because there's times where I can't sleep and I'll like do A quick 30 and I will wake up like I finally fall asleep

Wake up, and it's 830 and it's like what's up, man? You've done your time And I'm like wait that doesn't count. That doesn't count I was trying to go to sleep. It's 3am. You can't count that time. You can't count it. These are sleeping hours. I just happened to be awake. Yes, exactly You know that there has to be an exception to the rule Before I'm not I'm not a waking person. I'm not coherent right now Yeah, exactly, and it's wild because I lived a whole life without this phone I did so many things without my phone and honestly the other day. I was like what was I doing? Yes? I don't know that was like being back at like the high school thing was being like well at this time We were exclusively had phones that like you back at the high school thing was being like, at this time we were exclusively

had phones that you hit the button three times and be like, hey. I would just not text people because I was like, that's too much. Exactly, the effort was too high. Now it's so easy. I'd be texting, I'd be calling, someone texts me and I'm like, I have to respond.

I'm like, do I? Who gives a shit? Cuddle with your dog. Come on, no. Do anything else. Anything. All right, real quick, we have to take a break. ["Summer Plans"]

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five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for the first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra, see Mint Mobile for details. Hey listeners, there's one big question everyone asks themselves about love and relationships. Can people change? That's exactly what the new season of Love Letters

from the Boston Globe sets out to answer. Each episode brings real stories of transformation, resilience, and growth. Get ready to laugh, ha ha, cry, boo hoo, and learn as guests tell real stories about navigating major life changes, mending broken bonds, and learning what it truly takes to evolve. Listen or watch the new season of Love Letters from the Boston Globe, wherever you get your podcasts. Lou, do you have any advice for single people who are listening currently or in the future? You gotta, I think you,

I'm out of water. I was about to do one of those insane coughs again. I think you gotta, I mean, I don't know, I'm assuming that people say this all the time, you gotta ask people out. You have to be willing to ask people out on dates and know that it's not gonna ruin everything. I feel like I spent years of my life being like, oh if

I asked them out then and they say no then forever our dynamic will be person who asked person out and person who said no. Like and that's just not the case because app dating seems to be getting absolutely buck wild. It's wild. It's like I got off at the perfect time. I was like everyone's nuts It seems to be fully like like I don't know Titanic iceberg levels God it's going down. People are just like what's up? I need to see your resume. I need a credit score You need I'm gonna we're gonna vet you before anything can happen So I don't know I think asking people out knowing that it's okay to ask people out, and that if they say no, that doesn't ruin everything. Y'all gotta be out here.

Y'all gotta be out here asking people out. I don't think very many people have said that on this show. Really? No, not really. What? But it's really good advice. Yeah, just ask people out. It's okay.

I'm mostly, one of the few good things that, there were a lot of good things, one of the good things that happened at BC was this woman offered a class and like a big part of the class was that you had to ask a person out on the date. What kind of class was this? It was like perspectives. It was like a philosophy class,

but part of it was that you had to ask somebody out on a date. Now I didn't take the class because I was too scared. But it was a philosophy class, but part of it was that you had to ask somebody out on a date I didn't take the class because I was too scared A lot of people did and it did seem to be like a healthy thing like I don't know just to normalize and get okay with like Suggesting that you have attraction and knowing that that is not a destabilizing force In your social groups or you know people like the worst that happens is somebody if you're not Crazy about it if you don't do you don't come with insane energy

You know I think that there's a very comfortable way to ask a person out have them reject or Not want the advance and to go awesome. I'll see you at work tomorrow or whatever Also, I think social media has skewed people's views about rejection I think we watch a lot of people like be successful on social media so then you're like I should be successful yes and then you become resentful when you get rejected yes I think there is like a sense of like I'm a I'm a I'm awesome and like I have to be and So you saying no to me is you saying no?

Yeah, and and you don't get it. You don't get it No, my time you don't You don't know what you're missing and so I think that yeah, yeah, I think people do. I think that's a really, I think that's a stoop as hell, dude. I just thought of it. I think it's pretty solid. I think it's pretty solid too. I think people have a harder time

because they, I don't know, we, there is so much room with which to, and I guess, I don't know if this is like a dick move to say to just strangers, but of like inflating your own ego and being like, look at me. I'm in, I'm like, look at all these amazing pictures. Every time I post something, I get thousands of hearts.

And you're saying no to all of this? How dare you? I really do think there's something to it. Especially like, cause I've talked about it before, but the male loneliness epidemic. I truly, now I'm like, well yeah, if you play, like if you're a gamer, and you play games all day, and you win at these games, and then you go out into the real world, and a woman shuts you down,

yeah, you would treat, you would be like, I hate women, or I hate this. And it's like, well no, you just have to keep going in the real world, just because you're winning online doesn't mean you're winning in real life. Yes. Whoa. Holy fuck. Yes. Whoa. Holy fuck dude. Oh my god. Did we get that?

Oh my god. Did we get that? Did we get it? Am I a fucking, am I a modern day Picasso? No, he's not a philosopher. Why not? Who's a philosopher? Plato?

Who's a philosopher? Yeah, Plato. Aristotle, Plato. What am I, a fucking Aristotle's? Damn bro. Damn bro. Can you believe? This shit maybe just solved it all, you know?

No more podcasts. No more podcasts. We did it. Somebody get this to the President of the United States on his beautiful plane from Qatar, all right? Cutter, I don't know how you're supposed to say it. Maybe it is Cutter. I think if you're-

There's also a pop-up McDonald's there for him. I heard that. Can you believe? I heard they lured him. Can you believe? Can you believe? There is something crazy, the idea that you could do a fishing pole for our president where you're like, alright, come on. Come on, we're going to give you a, you want an airplane? You want a Big Mac?

You want some French fries? Come on, come on, we got it. The idea that it works and he's like, oh, thank you. There's also a video of him falling asleep in a meeting. Of course. I mean. He's an old ass man. He's an icon Can you believe that?

Wow, this really is the 4th of July of the doubt. It is. God bless America. My president falls asleep He's on a 400 million dollar plane. I'm sure he's done something heinous between this recording and the 4th of July Without a doubt. You know? We're having a nice time here in America. I'll tell you. I don't keep up with the news too much. We do have to wrap up. But my trainer lives in England.

Wow! Wait, what? He used to live here. Okay. And then he moved back to England. When Trump first won. It's so funny, we're in a second Trump presidency. Oh, so back there. But yeah, he lived here before Trump won. Okay, when Trump first won it's so funny. We're in a second Trump presidency

Yeah, he lived he lived here before Trump won and then he was like if Trump wins I gotta get out of here you people are crazy and then he won he to his word was like I'm going home and then So every week we try to meet every week every two weeks. I love to cancel But he'll tell me some new awful thing that has happened cuz I'm like I can't yeah keep being fed all this It's pretty uh Kimmel at Kimmel We have to we have like a rehearsal where we all we watch all of the clips for the day And it is like a moment where you're like It is just like another Fox News clip and you're like Yeah, there's times where I'm like, the onion could never.

Like truly, Lord with cheeseburgers to Qatar. Like that's an onion article. Are you kidding? Lou, we've come to the end. I asked all my guests this, would you date me? I mean, I have dated you. I have dated you. No you haven't.

Yes, we went on a date, February 18th, 2020. We know you haven't yes. We went on a date February 18th, 2020 We did go on a date! We went on a date February 18th, 2020 Where do we went to Jay's bar? No, we went to the dark room. Oh my god This is insane that I remember none of the details. It was I was just looking through our texts. All right. I'm not a freak No, I know I I've never not forgot. I know. Yes, no.

I know we matched on Hinge. We matched on Hinge. And I couldn't remember if we had actually gone out or not. We went on one date. To the dark room in Hollywood? To the dark room in Los Feliz. Or no, what's it called? Oh, the drawing room.

The drawing room. That's where it was. The drawing room. Was I a good date? You were, like, you want to talk about Silly Billy's? Like, you were genuinely so funny. And it was like a genuinely good time. I had a really, I remember being like-

This was in like the middle of me touring a time. Yes, you were just gotten back from Pittsburgh. I remember I made an insane joke where I was like, did you get a Pittsburgh blue steak? And you were like, what is that? And I was like, it's a steak they barely cook. And you went, no. No.

No. No. Yes, so the answer is yes. Did you ask me out again? I think I tried, but then I think the world was starting to fall apart. That is humiliating that I forgot that we actually went. Because I remember our hinge conversation, I was like, I am so sorry, because it was before I had an assistant. That is humiliating that I forgot that we actually went. No. Because I remember our hinge conversation.

I was like, I am so sorry. Cause it was before I had an assistant. So I was like, I am so sorry. I have to reschedule this. I'm leaving town. I think I rescheduled like two or three times. Yes. And we did go to the drawing room.

We went to the drawing room. Wow. You didn't kiss me though. We did kiss. Should I go? There's a lot of things I could be doing with my Fourth of July, alright? And I chose to be here. We did kiss in the parking lot. Well that's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me.

There's no water left. There's just simply nothing in there. Was it a good kiss? Wow, okay, that's a no. Okay, well... It was fine. Oh, God. It was a first kiss.

Oh, my God, it was fine. It was fine. Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill myself now. Okay. Oh, my God, wow. The energy really shifted. Thank God we did this at the end, you know? Did I drive to the date?

Yes, you did. Yes, okay. Yes, it was my little black car. Yes, it was. Okay, I remember some things. Yeah. All right, Lou, so thank you so much for being here. Is there anything you want to promote?

No, if you know, hey, if you like, if you like stories If you like stories check out my podcast, World's Beyond Number, The Wizard, The Witch, and The Wild One We should be coming to our conclusion now That that's something I'm really proud of and then yeah, if you're in Seattle, we've got our show coming up Is it sold out? It is not sold out. Okay, so there's still tickets avail They're still there. Hopefully there's not but there's a chance that there is by the 4th of July. I'll probably be sold out you want to believe If you like this episode wait, do you have more? No, that'll do That'll do if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it

You can rate it and give me five stars and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't You Date Me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can give me five stars, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast.gmail.com, I'll read it. This one's long, buckle up. Hi Nicole, let's go on a spa date. I'm bringing the spa to you. First I take a silk black tie and blindfold you. And then I cough. It's cause I smoke.

I lather you up in essential oils and give you a full body massage. I take extra time on that juicy ass. I work out every knot of stress from back massage to front massage. I love healing you up. Then I begin eating you out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I kiss the inside of your thighs and suck on your clit till you orgasm so hard you reach nirvana.

Then you, me and nirvana have a cosmic threesome. Isn't there more than one person in Nirvana? Just fucking moaning and some hot interdimensional orgasms. Nirvana is tired of only virgin losers finding her. Nirvana's a woman. And then has been begging for a good time. Turns out enlightenment is just really good head and deep eye contact.

Nirvana eats you out while I suck on your fat tits. That's so rude. They're not fat, they're actually really small, okay? They're- You welcome this? You've been fucked this? Every week I say, please send me something upsetting. And I make out with you.

You come hard, all caps, and squirt so much, we get a glass to catch it and drink it all up that means I'm squirting for so long because you had time to go get a glass because I would never waste the gift of your body we slowly come down from hanging with Nirvana and end with cuddling kinky cuddling then you ping something on your phone Nirvana sent a $6,969 and 69 cents on Venmo caption this is not a bribe, but will you please come over again? Which is embarrassingly desperate of them because they have nothing else in their Venmo history Anyways, we make fun of them and fuck again from the absolute worst I love that you called yourself the absolute worst is Is that on Apple Review? Like, is that? No, no, they send it to the...

Oh, they send it directly to you. And then Mars, my wonderful producer, has to read them, print them out, and give them to me. Shit is wild out here, man. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Ooh, I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

Lord, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Ooh, the things he said. He said he gonna cup. He gonna catch her jizzle in the cup. I tell you. Which can't be hydrating. No. That's the whole thing.

You know, is it pissed? No. Okay. I think it comes out of, I think it comes out of a different hole. Oh, okay. I think it comes out of your pussy hole and not the pee hole.

Not the pee hole. Cause there's a pee hole? Yeah. There's a pee hole. I know that. And then your pussy hole. Yeah. And then your butt.

Yeah. Right? Cause pee doesn't come out of your vagina, right? No. Mars, your face, you were just like, you should know this. Why are you confirming this with me? We're both adults. You should know.

Well, on that note, I do now know. Goodbye. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our theme music is arranged by Mike Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi there, my name is Allison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably be thanks to my job as an actress That was a hate gum podcast. Hi there, my name is Allison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably be thanks to my job as an actress on shows like Girls and in movies like Megan. Recently, when I was having a moment of gratitude for my group chat, I thought, I wish everyone could have these geniuses at their fingertips like I do.

Well, now you do. Hi, hi, it's Hope. Hey babe, it's Jamie. Welcome to our podcast, Landlines, where we share our life-sustaining and shame-extinguishing friendship. We have known each other and we've been friends for a very long time. Hope was my first best friend, but it wasn't mutual. I mean, it wasn't the story of my life.

I asked, I distinctly remember calling her on the phone and asking if she'd sit next to me on the bus and she said maybe. At least she didn't say no. I was like, maybe it was me. She wasn't sure. Maybe it was like discerning. When I was pregnant, I started this group chat to prepare and crowdsource, and it's been such a delight to troubleshoot

with our friend group. And we just had this thought, should we invite other people into our group chat? I'm a therapist. I'm a trained early childhood educator. And I'm, well, you know, whatever I am. I guess someone who has the vibe of having it all together. And still the three of us find it hard to be moms,

partners, friends, family members, professional women, and just, you know, adults. The stuff we're talking about, whatever the recent fight was with our partner or the parenting concern we have or a funny thing with our kids or it's like, what's going on with my body? I feel like I have like a family of squirrels living in my lower abdomen. Like I feel affirmed, I feel normalized, I feel like I'm not going fucking crazy.

And I had to talk it out with you guys with different perspectives and different identities that you're juggling. Totally. Lifelong friendship has been our lifeline. We sincerely hope our conversation makes you feel less alone in whatever you're going through. So subscribe to Landlines on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

New episodes are out now on Headcom. Love you.