Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We Met on a Podcast (w/ Devon Walker)

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

Comedian Devon Walker (SNL) joins Nicole to tell the story of how he met his girlfriend on a live blind date podcast. He figured it was just a bit - until the audience voted for them to win an Applebee’s gift card and that turned into their actual first date. 3 years later, they’re still together! He and Nicole also talk about the woman who went viral eating 48 oysters on a first date, why it’s a red flag if your partner suddenly starts doing open mics, and how it feels when people send you unsolicited sex tapes in the DMs. Devon shares the absolute nightmare of trying to break up with someone who flooded his phone with scroll-after-scroll of chaotic texts. Plus: He shares the SNL sketch he’s dying to get on air, and they do a deep dive into the food mascot universe - who’s comforting, who’s cursed, and why the Bubba Gump shrimp must be stopped.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastCheck out Devon's podcast, My Favorite Lyrics with Devon Walker.Support this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Squarespace: Build the website of your dreams! Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.» Quince: Give your summer closet an upgrade—with Quince! Go to Quince.com/dateme for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.» Mint Mobile: This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/DATEME.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Love the podcast? You'll love seeing even more of it on video! Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday. When was Obama elected? 2008. Wow. Did you vote for him? No.

Yes, of course I did. I, so I voted in, where I grew up, in Jersey, and a tall white man, I was like, oh, I don't know how to do this. And he's like, oh, you have to flip the switches. I'll show you. And then went into the voting booth with me and then flipped Obama's name and went, and that's how you vote. I don't think you're supposed to do this, man.

No. I don't think you're supposed to come in here with me. I think technically that's voter fraud. But it was how I was gonna vote. Yeah, I guess it was the direction you were already headed in. And I can't tell if he was pro-Obama or racially profiling me. Either way, he got it right. -♪ Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you come on my foot and tell me it's a sock. My guest today is a comedian that you know from SNL. Ever heard of it? Saturday Night Live.

He hosts a new podcast. My favorite lyrics. I'm so excited he's here. It's Devin Walker! Yeah! Yeah! What's up? It's me. Devin, how are you? Hey, I'm happy to be in Los Angeles, except for, like, the ways that I'm not happy to be here,

you know what I mean? What is one way you're not happy to be here? Truly, I know it's cliche, and I know it's like, this is the thing that everybody talks about, but why the fuck does it take an hour to get anywhere? That's why why just full disclosure I was 15 minutes late to being here and it was legitimately because like also that's the thing is like maps will say it takes One out of time and then you'll look 30 minutes later. It'll be like I was psych bitch

It's actually 20 minutes longer than it said before and that's truly what got me is I was like, okay cool I'm like 25 minutes away. And then by the time I got ready to leave with 25 minutes to spare I was like, oh actually it's 40 minutes now. Mm 25 minutes away. And then by the time I got ready to leave with 25 minutes to spare, I was like, oh, actually it's 40 minutes now. Where were you coming from, like the West Side? I was coming from, I had lunch in West Hollywood. Yup, that'll do it. It was also- That'll do it. Also, I never know where I am here.

I truly, it was like New York City, the grid system, you have a sense of like, okay, I'm up now and I'm down now and I'm over here and I'm over here. I'm in Los Angeles truly at any given point. Sometimes I look up where I need to go and sometimes it's like, oh, that's six minutes away. And other times I look and it's like, oh, that's going to take an hour and 10 minutes.

And I never, and I can never tell where anything's going to happen. I, you're on the East side technically right now. Yes, I'm staying near here. Uh, I was going to the West side for my friend's party and it said a half hour. You better believe we were in the car for a full hour. It just kept being like a half hour, 40 minutes, 50 minutes. And I was like, that's LA.

Yeah, it's like time doesn't exist here. Sure doesn't. So I can't, yeah, I can't ever gauge how long it's actually gonna take me to get anywhere. You also dressed for spring. Yeah. For New York City spring. For a light wind, if you will. That's true. And it's 90 fucking degrees today. Yeah, it's pretty warm. It's pretty warm, I'm not gonna lie. for spring, for a light wind, if you will.

And it's 90 fucking degrees today. Yeah, it's pretty warm. It's pretty warm, I'm not gonna lie. For those of you, some of you guys are watching this, some of you guys are listening. I'm wearing a full, I'm wearing a fleece and jeans. And most people outside are wearing shorts and tank tops and stuff like that.

You know, here's the thing, in New York City right now, I'm dressed appropriately. This is exactly what I'm... This is May weather in New York. Exactly. And like, true, and there was a version of like New York, or I'm sorry, LA right now, where this would have been appropriate,

but just today's the day where it's like a little warmer. Had you been here two weeks ago, it would have been perfect. It would have been perfect. You would have fit right in. And actually what happened was I stepped outside and I was like, ah, it's too warm for this, but I'll probably spend most of the day indoors so it won't be a problem.

We talked about this off mic, but it's legitimately, if I take this off, then I just have a t-shirt and jeans on, and it ruins the whole fit. So just out of commitment to what I decided for the day, the fleece stays on and I must suffer. Hey, I like it. Sometimes you have to suffer for your fashion choice. I do like that this is colorful,

and I feel like a lot of men tend to shy away from color. And I'm like, just be color, wear a color you like. What color do you like? Embrace yourself. Just wear something nice. Embrace yourself, put some pink on. Yes, I love a man in pink.

Put some pink on. Not a man with pink undertones because then it looks like you're wearing like a skin suit. Oh sure. But black men in pink, ooh, ooh. That's a tough thing about being white, is sometimes there's just a shade underneath your actual skin that you can't do anything about.

Yeah. It's just there. Like peaches or pinks or whatever. Totally. I know a friend who she just is kind of red all the time. And there's nowhere to go from there. No, you just have to be a little red at times. You just have to be a little red.

That's tough. Shout out, you know, I mean, white people have it. Shout out to the white. They have it good in so many ways, but that's a real, maybe that's God. That's God being like. Maybe that's why they're so mad all the time. They're like, no, I'm already red.

Let me put someone at a disadvantage. Damn my undertones. Yes, that's tough. Devin, are you single? Are you dating? Or you don't want to say? Because you can be mysterious here. Whoa, people are mysterious sometimes.

Not really. But if you choose to be... That feels like it goes against the... I respect it. No, I'm dating. I'm with someone right now. How long has it been? It's been like three years now. Ooh, that's lovely. How did you meet?

You know what's really fucked up and crazy? You never met? We never met and I made that whole thing up. You know what's really crazy? None of that's true. None of it's true. I've never been with anybody ever. You know what's fucked up is we met actually on a podcast. Why is that fucked up?

Because it's like, who does that? So many people. That's not true. I feel like I've heard about people meeting on a pod. I feel like I've heard of like two people that I can think of off the top of my little dome that met on a podcast. Mars knows people.

The other show I used to produce, All Fans Say Everything, the host of it, Ian Carmella met his wife because she guessed it on the podcast and they, I guess, just had such chemistry. It's almost like that was their first date. How does it feel to not be unique? Fuck, I thought I had a special story.

I thought I had a special story. I thought I was not like the other boys. As it turns out, I'm exactly like- Nope, you're just like everybody else. Yeah, mainly Ian Carmel, but no. But, and also we met on a blind date podcast. Wait, were you on, you- We were set up- You were set up for a blind date on this podcast? It was a, a blind date podcast. Wait, were you on... You were set up for a blind date on this podcast?

It was a... It's a podcast... I don't even know if it still exists anymore, but it's a podcast where they set up comedians with their non-comedian friends. Ah! Did anybody else work out or just you two? As far as I know, we're the only success story. Wow. And it was a live show too. It was a live podcast recording.

Whoa. And that's what was really funny about it, is I went in really being like, I really can't stress how, un-seriously I was taking the whole thing. I really can't stress enough how much I was just like, okay, this is just a show. I'll go on a date with this girl.

Maybe we'll DM for a little bit and then we'll kind of... Go our separate ways. We of go our separate ways. And that's what I mean, that's what happens with most of the people but we went it was a live setting and it was at Union Hall in Brooklyn and it was us and then it was a couple who was looking for a third and then there was a guy Dylan Adler. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, who was Super funny and great at doing he does flips as well. My favorite video is where he's at Disney or something

and he was like, I auditioned, I didn't get it, and then does a backflip with all the comments. We're like, oh, you really showed them? I'm like, he's a comedian. Yeah, it's like this is kind of a bit. It's just a bit. I respect anybody who can do a backflip. I'll say that much.

You could do a backflip. No, no I couldn't. Have you been on a trampoline? I've been on a trampoline. Here's the thing that I've learned on a trampoline is, or here's the thing I've learned about me as it relates to flips in general. I've got too much anxiety for what,

the uncertainty of what happens in the air to commit fully to the backflip. You know what I can do though, is I can do a flip where I bounce on my knees and then flip from there. That flip I feel comfortable with. At least as a kid I did. I don't know.

Something like that. Something about swinging my whole body in the air like that. Like I think we should investigate what's going on with Benson Boone because it's like how did he? I simply don't understand how he's landing on hard surfaces. He's like flipping off pianos and stuff like that.

And he's doing it in like a little heeled boot. A little sassy boot. A little sassy boot and like a leotard. That's really... I mean, God bless. And I respect him. I don't even know a lot of the songs, but I know that he can do those flips and he's earned my respect. He has one song that I think we all know. Please stay.

Yeah, oh yes, that's him. Don't take these beautiful things I've done. Lauren know that you can do a Benz and Boon impression. Come on. I'm sure, I've really been trying to advocate for cross-racial impressions. I will say that. And I understand why they don't work in one direction.

But I think in the direction that I'm trying to do them in. Yeah, I think it works. I think that's colorblind casting. Yeah, paint you up like Casper. Why not? Colorblind casting. I'd like to play Mitch McConnell in the cold open immediately. I'd like to just put on a little turtle face and freeze. A turtle face.

Yeah, that'd be really special to me. He keeps falling down and not having a good time. I'm like, he should retire. They're letting him just like keep working. Yeah, I'm confused about our government and why they're like, we think zombies should run it. Yeah, it's like even if you like, there's got to be another guy with similar politics that they could just sort of like insert into his space.

Yeah, a younger one who's like a little bit more lucid. Yeah, just a guy who can move all his limbs and stuff like that. Somebody like... He keeps falling down and shit. He keeps falling down, he keeps freezing and forgetting what he was saying. But it's like, I don't know, we let a guy like that be the president for four years. And we were letting one in a very, very fast cognitive decline run it now. Well, sure, sure, sure, sure. But he's like, he's at least, he physically is like,

he can put a sentence together. Yeah. Not a good one. I think that's to be debated. It's not a sentence that I like. You know, it's not a sentence that makes me feel comforted about the future. No, not at all. Wait, take me back. Okay, so you did this live podcast.

Yes, sorry we got off track. No, no, who cares? So then afterwards, were you like, I gotta go out with this person again. How did this break down? So the conceit of the live show is that they let the audience at the end, after watching the three dates, they let the audience vote on who they think should go on a second date,

and the winner of the audience vote gets an Applebee's gift card. Hey, that's nice. Yeah. Did you win it? Uh, come on now. Yeah. And did you go to Applebee's? Of course. What'd you get?

Uh, we got a sampler platter. That you get? We got a sampler platter. That's nice. We got a sampler platter that comes with all the stuff. It comes with a quesadilla. Yeah, sure does. It comes with some mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, some chicken strips. Maybe there might have been some french fries involved. No, there wasn't.

There wasn't french fries. Okay, you're familiar with that. You're familiar with the platter? Oh yeah, baby. I love an Applebee's. Ooh, wait, give me fast casual dinin'. Have you ever been to an Applebee's? Have you ever been to a fast casual chain in New York City?

Yeah, there was an Applebee's at 50th and Broadway. Are you kidding? There's an olive garden in the middle of like the top of Times Square. Yes there is. There was a Red Lobster in Times Square, that closed that is now in Harlem. I know where all of them be at, okay?

You've been, you're familiar. You're familiar. I love a chain. They take on a different essence in New York. Absolutely. They don't feel like, I don't know, I'm from the suburbs in Texas. I grew up like right outside of Austin, and so it's like I've been to all these chain restaurants, but they feel so different in New York City.

And so it was like, it's comforting, but like it's very like, it's way, but like, it's very like... It's way more impersonal. There's not like... You know, like... It's also a choice to be at a Red Lobster over any other delicious, delightful restaurants that this city has to offer.

So much quality cuisine. Some of the best restaurants in the world. And to be like, nah. Nah, we gotta get to that Applebee's. We gotta get that Sampler platter. Yeah, I'm gonna go get some unlimited breadsticks today. Go leave Times Square! Yeah, the one we went to? In Brooklyn. There's one in Brooklyn on Fulton Street.

Nice, downtown Brooklyn. Uh, no, not that part. It's like other side. Like heading towards like heading towards like Bushwick. Like in that direction. So that was your second date. I counted as the first because I don't the podcast doesn't feel like it could be Well, yeah, like you were performing. I wasn't exactly like that was just another show to me

But like yeah that that that Applebee's date this to me That's the real first one and then what was the thing that you liked best about your partner that you're like? I think I gotta go out with them again Sincerely, I think she's like one of the sweetest people that I've ever known in my life. I think she's got like a really good and kind heart. And I think like, and you know what's crazy is like, no, maybe I shouldn't say that,

but she doesn't come from the sweetest family. I'll say that. Everybody's not a sweetheart in her immediate family. And she truly is just like a little ray of sunshine. Truly just a person that like... You ever meet somebody where it's like Joe Firestone? Where it's like if you don't like Joe Firestone, then it's like something's wrong with you.

Joe is just, yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's like that type of person. Yeah, just a person who radiates kindness and joy and is never nasty, and if they say something that maybe someone's taken aback from, they're like, oh, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I'm just genuinely, I'm sorry. And don't get defensive about it.

Ugh, I love people like that. Truly. Ugh, so three years. Yeah. How do you celebrate your anniversaries? We don't, I just became aware of the fact that we like, there was no anniversaries until this most recent year. And then all of a sudden she was kind of just like,

she was like, hey, what do you think about having our anniversary be on this date? And I was kind of like, oh, I didn't think that mattered. She was like, well, it didn't before, but now I'm thinking it does. And so now that is like a new thing. What did we end up doing? I think we went to dinner. We always talk about revisiting the Applebee's that we went to the first time.

That's where it feels like we should return to. And again, I'm from the suburbs, so I feel comforted by sort of trash food. Like, that feels like home to me, but she's like, she's way bougier than me. So like, I think she feels comforted at like a nice restaurant. At a nice restaurant. A non-chain, something with linens. Yeah, something with no plastic on the menus, where you can get like a real bottle of wine and not a margarita sponsored by The Rock.

Ha! Which is a real thing. The Rock had a brand of margaritas or like a tequila that was going in the margaritas that they sell at Applebee's. Okay, we're not so different, you and I. And everybody's saying that we're so different. Everyone says that we're so different and we're not. Nicole and Devon have nothing in common.

We have so much in common. Chester the Cheeto? Or Chester Cheeto? Chester the Cheetah. He's... Right? He's Chester the Cheetah. He's... right? He's Chester the Cheetah, but he represents Cheetos. That's what I think. Just Chester Cheetah.

My whole life... I thought he was Chester the Cheeto. But now it makes so much more sense. He's also a Cheeto. So much more sense because he is a Cheeto. Oh my god. This is humiliating. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do this on your own part.

I came to your house. I came to your house and knocked some food off the table and that's on me. Well Chester brought the Cheetos to Applebee's and I got some Cheetos crusted, well chicken bites. They were nasty as hell but I had a nice time eating them. Cheetos to Applebee's and I got some Cheetos crusted, well, chicken bites. They were nasty as hell, but I had a nice time eating them. That sounds yucky, but it does sound like a thing where it's like, you gotta investigate. Yeah, I really need, I cannot believe he's Chester the Cheetah.

Yeah. There's a sinister energy to Chester. A little bit. There's something spooky to me about him and his ads. You know, it's like, there are certain mascots that I feel comforted by. Who do you feel comforted by? The Trix Rabbit. OK.

The Trix Rabbit, because it's like, he's just pursuing a passion. Yeah, Trix are for kids. You know what I'm saying? And he's pursuing a passion and being rejected at every turn. And that's one of the most relatable types of guys that a person could be. Just somebody.

That's, he's us. You know what I'm saying? He's us. We're chasing it. We are the Trix Rabbit. We are the Trix Rabbit. We all identify with him, because we are all, it's Sisyphusian. You you know I'm saying he's us weird. We are the tricks rabbit We're the tricks rabbit that we all identify with him because we're all it's this officiant. You know that's a good word come on now That's right, and he's you know he's like climbing up the mountain. He's climbing up the mountain He's climbing up the mountain. They won't let him have what he wants I

Feel comforted when I see him. I like to can Sam I like to can Sam I don't know as much about to can Sam I don't know anything other than he's a bird and I like a bird. Yeah, he does feel comforting to me. Who don't you like? The captain, the Captain Crunch captain. I'm also, I'm fucking with him. Okay, I'm on board.

Who don't you like? No Chester Cheetah. I don't really, this isn't a mascot, but I don't like, what's his name? I don't like Brian Cox doing the McDonald's ads. That makes me uncomfortable. I don't think that he doing the McDonald's ads. That makes me uncomfortable. I don't think that he should be responsible for saying the jingle. There's something sinister about the way that he...

the energy that he brings to it. You know what I'm talking about? No. Brian Cox, the guy from Succession, he plays Logan Roy. I don't know Succession. You've never seen... He's like a... He's an awesome actor. He's a veteran of stage and screen. Oh, okay.

And... I've never... A veteran of stage and screen. Oh, okay. And I've never, I've never- A veteran of stage and screen? I've never said that sentence before in my entire life. I get on a podcast and I start acting brand new. I said that to someone recently about Jeremy Irons. I was like, he's a veteran of stage and screen and was recently in The Beekeeper. Yeah.

Just one of my favorite movies. I don't know what that is. You don't know? Jason Statham plays the beekeeper. Oh, it's a Jason Statham movie. Mm-hmm, it's nice. Are you a big action movie person? I didn't know it until about, like, a year ago.

I love action movies. Interesting. Oh, they're so fun. Have you seen the Jason Statham one where he has to keep his heart rate above a certain level? No, but I've been told it's very good. That was when I was a teenager. That was like a movie that I loved, like, deeply and dearly.

Or it's like he has to keep his heart rate above, like... What's it called? It's called, like, it's I loved deeply and dearly. Or it's like he has to keep his heart rate above like... What's it called? It's called like... It's called like Recharge or like Charged Up. Who charged up? And so like if his heart rate... So he has to stay moving and active and like fighting and doing shit all the time, but he still gets tired, but he has to continue to go. It's called Crank.

Crank! Yes, I've heard Crank is good. Crank. Sounds exhausting though to keep. Yes, I've heard crank is good. Crank. Sounds exhausting though to keep your heart rate up all the time. Otherwise he dies. Otherwise he dies if it gets below like, if it gets to like a normal resting rate. Here's the thing about me. Then he passes away. I would just die. I gotta keep exercising. I barely like, I exercise for a half hour at a time and that sometimes is too much. That's plenty. I'll tell you a mascot I hate. Who's that?

The Bubba Gum shrimp. The actual shrimp? Nope. There's a shrimp that stands outside Bubba Gum Shrimp Co. Where? Here? Yeah. In Los Angeles?

Yes. And other ones. I've never seen, I didn't know they had a shrimp mascot. This is news to me. It's really upsetting. He's like too pink. He has shoes on no shrimp has shoes It's not right. You better walk around with your bare feet

Mascot we know you're watching this and if you and while you're watching this take them fucking shoes off Mars Did you look it up? Yeah, I'm trying to find a photo of him with shoes on oh Nasty shoes, can you spin it around to show Devon? Take your shoes off for it's nasty as hell and I hate it and I love Bubba Gum Shrimp Co. Isn't he sick as hell? He should be red. He should be anything but Pepto Bismol pink. Yeah, why is he that color? Is he wearing a hat? He's also wearing, I don't mind the hat. Is he wearing a bow tie? He has a bow tie. He has a white belly, which I, that's not right. No, I don't care for that. He's not good. I think he's up to bad business.

Yeah. I think he's a creep. I think if he saw you in a dark alley, he'd push you down. Yeah, yeah. That's not a man you want to be alone in a room with. No, no, no, no. I hate that. I hate that, Sharam. No, get him away from me. I had no idea. Thank you for introducing me to this.

I'm going to have a nightmare tonight and he's going to be in it. I guarantee you that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to- That's a spooky, spooky individual. To bring you nightmares. But real quick, Devin, we have to take a break. Okay.

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did you date at all? A little bit, but I was, it took me a little bit to find myself. I had to figure myself out a little bit. Okay. I had to figure myself out. I hadn't, I didn't, it took me a while to know, you know, I had a big brother, but my big brother was so much older than me that he couldn't really put me on.

So I feel like he couldn't really like, guide me. He couldn't help you. So it was like me and my little group of friends, none of us had older brothers. So we were all kind of like trying to teach each other. And so I would kind of wait for a homie to have an experience. And then be like, what was that like?

Yeah, and then be like, all right, so here's how you do that. And then I'd be like, okay. But I was really, in high school, I was really afraid of rejection. I was really afraid of rejection. Well, you got into the right business. Hollywood is full of yeses.

I can't admit, yeah, exactly. And trust me, trust me, I'm doing well mentally. Um, but yeah, I feel like I was scared of it, so I like wouldn't, it took me a while to like really like put myself out there. I get that. When did you start doing standup? Was it in high school?

Cause you started doing standup at Cap City. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Somebody did, somebody did, you did the research. Lindsay did the research. Yeah, you did the research, yeah. Yeah, I started at Cap City. I was in grad school. I was in, I was like right out of college

when I started standup. This is the, is it the Cap city that was in the strip mall? Because now it's in, now it's in like a bougie. It's wild. Now it's like next to like a Tesla dealership and like a product store. Yes, and like a Christian Dior. I kept, like I just did shows there and I was like, where are we? And everyone would go ha ha ha and I'd be like, no stop ha haing. What the fuck is, there's two hotels in it. Yes. It's like the Americana on crack. Yes, it really is, I don't know, this is for the Austin comedy head community, but like, yes, the old Cab City Comedy Club

used to be in a strip mall next to like a karate dojo and like a used car dealership. That's where stand-up comedy clubs belong. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Not next to Dior. And not next to Dior, it should never be within 100. But it's a really nice club.

It's a nice shopping area, it's a nice club. The club shut down during the pandemic and we didn't think it was like coming back. And then that version of it closed down forever, but they decided to open in a much more expensive location. At a month with a- They said, let's spend the money. Yeah, I was like, y'all ran out of money before,

and you're like, we're going to spend the money. They got that PP loan. I guess so. I guess they got bailed out or something. But yeah, now it is next to like a Tesla dealership and like a Hermes and like all that stuff. What made you decide to do stand up? Was it someone in your life who was like, hey, man,

you funny as hell? No, I don't know if it was like this for you, but like genuinely, like where I grew up in Texas like no one pursued entertainment on any level on a level that like I think for some people like Stand-up doesn't feel attainable or like doing entertainment stuff doesn't feel attainable like to me Legitimately did not cross my mind as a like I it didn't even occur to me that I could do that Because the only like comedians and peopleians and people in the arts that I knew were already so successful that it felt like a thing where it was just like,

oh, well, maybe if I grew up in L.A. Like, it just didn't occur to me. Until one time, I was in college or maybe right out of college and I went to a festival, and I remember seeing somebody who was one of the openers. This was like a festival, it was like... the big headliners I want to say were like like Sarah Silverman, like Hannibal and stuff like that. Was it in Austin? Was it in Moon Tower?

No, it wasn't Moon Tower. It was this festival that doesn't exist anymore that was called Oddball. Oh yeah yeah. Do you remember the Oddball festival and it would like travel around to different cities? And I remember seeing somebody open that like, I was like, he was like around my age, and I remember him like being funny, he was black, and I remember being like, oh shit, like that's the first time it crossed my mind

that I was like, oh, it was the first person I ever saw who wasn't famous do stand up comedy. Interesting. Because before that I'd seen like, the Bernie Mac do stand up, and like, Cat Williams, and like Jerry Seinfeld, like all these people who was like They're already at the top of their craft

Yeah, so I never saw like an entry point and so yeah truly like that was like the turning point and after seeing that I was like, oh, I guess I could just like try and then I started like Googling like open mics and then that led me to cap city comedy club right to my first ever open mic Is that your home club? That is my home club That's nice. I wish the actual building was still around. Because it feels... The strip mall's gone? Well, the strip, I mean, the building's still around,

but there's no comedy club inside. Like, I wish it was still there. I see. Yes. You wish it was like still your old stomping ground that you could like revisit and be like, -"Ah, remember when." -"Literally, yeah." -"Ooh, remember this." That is interesting. I never thought of it that way. I mean, the thought only occurred to me

that I could be an actress or do performing in high school. My mom was like, do the play. You talk a lot. Go talk in the play. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, oh, I think there's a thing I can do forever? I gotta figure out how to do this forever. And it is funny because we don't... Or I don't know. I don't have kids. I'm not having them.

But I feel like we don't tell kids in general that it's like, well, this is an avenue that you can do. Because I remember growing up, I don't have kids, I'm not having them. But I feel like we don't tell kids in general that it's like, well, this is an avenue that you can do. Because I remember growing up, it was like, a doctor, an astronaut, a lawyer. What about plumber? What about actor? The way that my dad was like, oh, you should pursue a trade.

You should pursue a trade or you should go to the military. Because that's what he did. I knew people who ran printing, like my neighbor ran a printing shop out of his garage. I knew people who did that. I knew people who ran printing. Like, there was a guy, like, my neighbor ran a printing shop out of his garage. I knew people who did that. I knew people who were cops.

I knew people who were firefighters. I knew people who were teachers. You know what I'm saying? I knew people who were like office assistants. Like, I knew people who like worked for the state. Like, those were the things that were presented in front of me. So I was like, all right, well, then, that's the truth.

I guess I'll go to college so that then I can like, work at a desk at some point. Like, that's just what I'll go to college so that then I can like work at a desk And some point like that's just what I that was the only thing that I like knew anybody did and so I like Was pursuing that and then I like started doing stand-up while I was in grad school and I was like, oh This is where I'm like supposed to be. This is where I feel at home It was I don't know if you had this it was genuinely like in my life Like I did I tried a lot of things Like I played a lot of sports growing up and I was like which ones I was all of them

I played no football. I played football. Okay, I played basketball, but I was like, I'm a decent basketball player I was like a pretty good, you know, middle school high school I was like a pretty decent football player. Mm-hmm. And so and I was also in Texas I literally went to the Friday Night Lights high school. I Love that I gasped. I've went to the Friday Night Lights High School. I love that I gasped. I've never seen the movie or the TV show. Well, so the- I know it's like in the Zeitgeist,

so like that's why I do it. It is the thing. The movies, the movie's based on the book, which is like an actual town. The TV show is based off of the book and the movie, but is like set in a fictional town. And that fictional town was my high school. They literally like, they were like.

Like poured all their money into football and shit. Yeah, it was literally like. Football's life. I mean, kind of. It definitely was like, there was a time where I got pulled over when I was in high school and the cop like legit, it felt like a movie where the cop legitimately saw my like, letterman jacket in the back and was like, oh, you on a team? Oh, go ahead. He's like, oh, y'all did a great job this year.

Wow. Keep up the good work like I would just keep that in my car for the rest of my life I kind of did I kind of did I'm fully a 30 year old man I'm fully a 30 year old man with a high school jacket Lermont jacket in the back baby Yeah

You know, here's an idea for football Cause you know Just in general The boys get tousled Yeah just in general They should put airbags in their helmets Whoa NFL if you're listening The boys get tousled. Yeah, just in general. Yeah, they should put airbags in their helmets. Whoa NFL if you're listening

We've we've solved the concussion crisis. No more CTE on my watch But also that does feel crazy Imagine you're like a wide receiver and you catch the ball and you get rocked by a middle linebacker and then a fucking bag explodes in your head They would have to stop the game every five minutes to get you a new airbag. Yeah, we got to re-airbag. You're like, man, this is taking eight hours. Jesus Christ. Hey, I think it's a good idea. Who do I talk to? Who's the commissioner? Is that a thing? There's a commissioner. Yeah. His name's Roger Goodell.

Roger Goodell? Roger Goodell? Airbags in the helmets. Ding ding. Who's that man who was a, he was, I think he's an NFL coach and now he's dating a very young woman. Bill Belichick. That's wild. He like, he's like one of the most winningest coaches of all time. Really? Yeah, for the...

And he won. He got him a young ladies on a, probably a very nice vesting payment schedule. Here's my schedule here's my Here's my thing about being an old guy and like dating a much younger woman is like I feel like that could be fun for Like a weekend or like a vacation. Mm-hmm. Like day to day. Aren't you tired? That's what I'm saying Like do you want to sit that's like I yeah, it's like what a 20 she's like 26 He's like something and it's like it's just like you don't have that in you You know, you know, I have it you have it in you for a day. I'm doing 26 I'm in my 30s and like this kind of type of shit that people are doing when they're 25 or 26

I'm like, I don't have it in me. There's people I work around who are you that age and I'm just like, oh, I can't I can't go out you go ahead and do it And rest so I can be a human being tomorrow. I think it's a treat to date someone who is your age so you go through things at the same time. Of course. Y'all both sleepy. That's important.

We both gotta stay inside. I think it's Sinbad. No, I know it's Sinbad. He's got a fun joke about how you should date someone your own age because a young woman won't know the warning signs of a heart attack. And it gets me good. I love Sinbad.

Bro, the true underrated legend. He really is. Underrated legend. Around Christmas, like once a year, I'll watch Jingle All the Way and just see him. That is a good movie. Have you seen House Guest? I don't think that I have.

It's Sinbad and Phil Hartman, and everybody is a cartoon. Who's also in Jingle All the Way. Yes he is. Phil Hartman. Oh, I wonder if they were like good, good friends, because at the end of the movie, they do sing a song together, and it sounds like they're having the nicest time. That's a world I'd like to imagine,

where Sinbad and the late Phil Hartman were. Were just besties. Were just buddies, and made sure that they were in each other's projects. You gotta watch House Guests. I will. Is it, just guessing just based off of the title, Phil Hartman is sort of a buttoned up, sort of well-to-do everyman. Yes. And then Simbad

is kind of an eccentric weirdo. He's in $50,000 deep with the mob. Right, right, right. And then Phil Hartman's character is reuniting with an old friend from summer camp, but he doesn't know what he looks like. He doesn't know who the frick. But he does know that he's a black man who's tall, and Simbeth says, hey, hey, hey. He doesn't know what he grew up to be. They used to just make movies. They genuinely, they used to just make films. It used to genuinely just be like, oh yeah, I have an,

and it was always some big amount of money that they owed. And they used to just be like, all right, cool. I just was watching TV the other day, and it was this movie called Brewster's Millions with Richard Pryor. big amount of money that they owed. And they used to just be like, all right, cool. I just was watching TV the other day and it was this movie called Brewster's Millions with Richard Pryor. And is that what the movie was called? I think that's what it was called.

It was a movie where Richard Pryor is a minor league baseball pitcher. And he discovers that he had a relative who has left him like 30 million or like a hundred million dollars or something like that. But for some reason, the stipulation for him getting the money is he has to prove that he can spend $20 million in 30 days.

It's like, they just made that. That's, what a wild premise. And guess what? I'm into it. Yeah. I love it. The whole movie is just him having all this money and be like, I have to spend it

and there are all these stipulations on like, you can't like give it away, it has to be like put in this direction and not in that direction. So there's all these ways in which he can lose it. And then there's like an attorney who's like representing the estate, who's trying to like sabotage Richard Pryor.

And they're just sort of having hijinks trying to get around it. It's like, they just used to make stuff. I mean, that's like trading places. Two old white men were like, let's ruin another white and then take this black and put him in his place. Like, it's just, and you could suspend disbelief with such a wild premise as long as everyone is like in

and like doing it and having a nice time. The only time I can't suspend disbelief is I just saw the new Mission Impossible. I talked about this on another podcast. Because it's on the forefront of the brain. And at one point, Tom Cruise is deep sea diving. He's deep, deep, deep, deeper, deeper probably than that Titanic that crumbled up.

And he takes off his scuba suit. Yes, RIP. He takes off his scuba suit. I said, this man's not a superhero. No! And I, in a theater full of people went, no! And nobody was like, girl, you're right. I was pretty upset about that.

Yeah, that's, I mean, Tom Cruise, I have a buddy who said this is not my idea, but like, this is the thing that like, I do genuinely think is like, I think Tom Cruise is doing all this stuff. I think he wants to die. Yeah. I don't think he wants to be alive anymore,

and I feel like somehow he keeps making it through all these stuff. And he gets paid for all of his suicide attempts. And he was getting like $25 million a picture to do all these things. I don't think he wants to be with us. Why else would you be 55 years old, hanging off the wing of a plane for real? There was... I never got to the bottom of it,

but for promo of this movie, he was just like on the... on the roof of a theater. Yeah, of course. And I didn't dig to be like, why? And then I think he did Kimmel where he like, ziplined between buildings in Hollywood. This is what I'm talking about. He's trying to find a way out. He said, I'm done. Also, there was an interview.

I love this press tour. I've been having a nice time where he eats popcorn funny. And then there was another... How does he eat popcorn? where he eats popcorn funny. And then there was another... How does he eat popcorn? He also feels like, he feels like somebody who doesn't drink water with, like he only takes in like liquids through an IV.

Probably. You know what I'm saying? Like nothing for some reason he's like... He's like, nothing goes in this mouth. Yeah, I can't do this. Because lines have to come out. I have to say the word, the text. I'm fascinated. Do you ever look around at your friends? Like sometimes I'll look around at my friends and I'm like, our lives look so different than they did, you know, five, six, seven years ago.

Sometimes I literally look around and I'm like, I wonder which one of us is going to go crazy first. I also think that. I'm like, I wonder when it's going to get... And I have a couple of friends who are touching on... truly knocking on the, oh, you are no longer relatable door. And I can't wait to see them go through and be just a whack-a-doo. We've all got our picks.

It's such a treat to see. We've all got our picks of like, you can start to see certain things happen. I love it. And you're like, uh-oh, you're losing, you're starting to lose the thread a little bit. And yeah, I wonder. After you got SNL, you're obviously elevated a little bit

in the public eye. Sure. where bitches slide in your DMs. Uh, sometimes. Sometimes. I've gotten a DM or two. Have you gotten titties? Yeah. Sly little girls out there. That's so fun. Yeah. It would never occur to me to slide into someone's DMs with my titties out. I guess it's like I understand the thought process, because it's like I think there's a version of people sliding someone's DMs with my titties out. I guess it's like I understand the thought process

because it's like I think there's a version of people sliding into the DMs where they're like, they're like responding to a story, they're like being coy. But it's like in people's... and I'm not like actually famous. Like I'm, you know what I'm saying? You're on television. I'm on television. You're on network TV.

I'm on network TV but like there's a different... I think some people because they don't ever interact with anybody who's ever on TV, they think just because you're on TV that you're like, you know, all this shit, you're so like unreachable. So I think some people are like, oh, I'm just gonna like send a little cutesy message.

But I think some people, if they're like, I gotta jump to the front of the line, I'm gonna go ahead and take this bra off and shake around on the camera for a second. Oh, you're getting vidges. I've gotten, yeah, I've gotten a video. This was years ago, this was before I worked on SNL, but one time a girl sent me a video of her literally,

like, she sent me, like, her own sex tape. Wow. Yeah. People be out here. Yeah, it was just like, yeah, well, like, imagine if he wasn't there and that was you. It's like that sort of thing. She was like, imagine I'm on a green screen getting fucked.

You can CGI yourself right up in there. Basically. Which like, I understand what was at the heart of that, but that's not- Sure, it's a wild way to come at somebody. That was not my personal- It's not your dream. That's not my personal dream.

That's not what I'm looking for. What's one of the worst dates you've been on? Hmm. Man, you know what I will say is like, I do think like, as a man who dates women, I feel like you have it so much easier where like even our like... Even my worst dates are still like ultimately like pretty chill. Or it's just like when you like interact with like a...

I want to say it was like an old Donald Glover joke. Or it was like, oh, like a crazy girlfriend is like, oh, like remember when she like got drunk and called me a bunch of times? Like a crazy boyfriend story is like, remember when he showed up and killed my dog? Like, mean, like crazy men's stories are so much crazier than crazy.

Well, they can be. I feel like the barrier for crazy is, but I'll say long story short, my worst dating story is probably this girl that was a friend of a friend. We were in a group chat, then she texted me outside of the group chat and was just like being flirty and I was just like, okay, cool, like, let's go hang out.

We went to a bar, while we were at the bar, she could not stop talking about the last guy that she dated and like all the ways in which he did her wrong and about how like in the future it's going to be different. And I was just like, yeah, for sure. And I hope it is. Like, I was doing that. We still end up, we go back to my place, we do hook up. She leaves, but she leaves her earrings on my side table.

You know, in a way that I was like, I couldn't suss out if it was intentional or like coincidental. The next morning, she I was like, I couldn't suss out if it was intentional or like coincidental. The next morning she was just like, oh hey, I'm gonna need those earrings back. And I was kind of just weirded out by like, just the whole thing, I was like, this is not really feeling right to me. So I was like, hey, what if I send like a courier?

You know, I'll give the earrings, I give the earrings to the courier, he takes them up to you and then, you know, we've kind of... Yeah, we've cut ties. We've sort of gone our separate ways. That was kind of how I was thinking. And she was like, oh, that's a shame, because I actually bought two tickets

for us to go see the recently released Jordan Peele movie, Us. Ah. And I was... At that point, I kind of had a dilemma because... You really wanted to see Us. I did. I didn't want to see her her but I did want to see the movie and like, you know, it's opening weekend. So So those tickets were sold out. Those tickets were tough to come by and I was like, alright Well, I could just give her the earrings and like we could just kind of have that be that we went to like we went To the movie. It was like a late showing. It was like a 11 o'clock or like

Yeah, it was a lay. It was a lay showing the movie. She lived nearby the movie theater. She was like a late showing, it was like 11 o'clock. Or like 11. Yeah, it was a late showing movie. She lived nearby the movie theater. She was like, oh hey, will you walk me back? And I was just like, ah, okay. I see what's going on here. Let me walk her back and then I'll kind of like go my separate ways. Walk her back, we like get to the lobby of her building

and she's just like, oh hey, do you want to come up? And I was just like, no. I don't really see it going like that. I actually think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna go home. And she goes, you piece of shit. She goes, I told you this is not what I wanted. I told you when we went out before, I told you that I didn't want a man

who was just gonna fucking da-da-da-da and take me out and then have sex with me and then leave. And I was like, well, that's, I gotta be able to have an option. I gotta be able to, I can't just have to go out with you again just because I went out with you the last time. It can't work like that. She was like, I will trap you.

Truly, she was like, well you already did that, so now you have to keep doing it for a while. I was like, well what? That was, and it was so scary to me. We like, she's like fully crying. Oh no. She's fully crying, she's fully talking crying. Oh no. She's fully crying. She's fully talking about like why I'm such a piece of shit

and like why like she knew like I was just like the last guy that she had spent a lot of time talking. Oh no, she needed to heal in between the last guy and going out with anybody else. She needed a little second. And then we like had it out. You know, she was kind of wanting an apology. I was kind of like, I don't know if I had, I don't know. I think I'm okay. I think I'm in the green. I've made mistakes. I've done things, I was kinda like, I don't know if I had, I don't know,

I think I'm okay, I think I'm in the green. I've made mistakes, I've done things, but I was like, I think I'm okay in this one. And then she goes back upstairs, I call an Uber, and then between the time that it took me to call the Uber and the Uber arriving, she came back downstairs, and she was like, and another thing, and this, and this, and that, and this, and that,

and I'll just show you, because I still have them, I won't show you all this stuff, but I'll just show you the silhouette of the messages that she sent me. The silhouette of the messages. After. So she yelled at you, went away, said, act two's happening, yelled at you again,

and then she said, we got a sequel happening, and I'm gonna text you now? Yeah. An epilogue, if you will? So here's, from March 2019, here's kind of the... Okay, that's a chunk. That's a chunk. You responded, and then she said,

paragraph, paragraph, paragraph, paragraph. This is at like one something in the morning. Damn. And like sent me all this stuff. Ooh, we got a Shakespeare here. Jesus Christ, that's a chunky text for somebody. You're not dating. It's a big...

Just for the people at home, I'm just gonna... Just so you can see the shape of what these messages were. Oh, wait. It wasn't in the moment. Like, I guess it was a bad date in that I didn't even intend on it being a date and somehow I still ended up getting in a big fight and getting yelled at.

That's one of my worst stories. Okay, let's take a break and we'll be right back. [♪ Music Playing! And Yes, it's truly just men being like, you're not going home with me and then getting mad. And I'm like, no, thank you. I just described. Yes, it's truly just men being like, you're not going home with me and then getting mad, but I'm like, no, thank you. I guess that's kind of what I'm describing a little bit as well. Yes, it's just the reverse.

Yeah, but it doesn't feel as bad when it's... There is a double standard that I feel fine about in that way. It doesn't feel... You know what I'm saying? It doesn't feel as... She was still kind of being gross, but it doesn't feel as gross as probably your version of it. Yeah, I think I saw on Twitter, it was like,

fellas, what would you do if a lady ate 62 oysters on a date with you? Oh, did you see that? That was a real thing that happened. I know. I think it's really funny that she said, oh, I'm gonna get mine. Well, you know what?

In that video, the thing that's even funnier to me, that she ate all those oysters, is that she was filming herself with Flash as she was eating. There's a video, there's a video of this woman with Flash on like eating, it was something, it was like 48 oysters or something like that, which also like that doesn't feel good. No. You're supposed to eat like six oysters at a time max. I feel like I'd feel so yucky putting that many like slimy little guys in my belly. Ugh yuck. I am not an oyster girl. Not at all? No, not really.

What about like a grilled oyster? No. No? I just, the texture of it, it grosses me out. I think it tasted like it came right out of the sea. Well. I know. Yeah.

I know. They're supposed to be fresh. Yeah, they taste like the ocean. But I don't want to eat the ocean. That's fair enough. I want to eat a shrimp that has been scampied. I understand that. You know what I will say is my girl,

like I said, my girlfriend currently, she is so much fancier than I am in a way that like she's really reintroduced me to oysters. Like I didn't think that I was into them and then we started seeing each other. She's introducing me to like oysters and I'm introducing her to like Wendy's. Yeah. She legitimately had never had Wendy's before. That's wild. Yeah.

I miss old Wendy's when everything was yellow. Yeah, and when, yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. And when the founder was like everywhere. Yes, Dave. Dave. Dave Thomas? Rest in peace.

That's a guy. He died? Oh yeah. Dave's been, I keep looking to you for research. Dave's been, he's been gone for maybe like 15 years. That's so sad. He didn't cut any corners. Died at the age of 69. Died 2002.

2002? Wow, he's been gone a minute. Oh, I didn't realize he'd been gone for that long. Did he see Obama? We can. I like how it's different every time. That was just, we can. I simply couldn't remember. Yeah. When was Obama elected?

2008. Wow. Did you vote for him? No, yes, of course I did. So I voted in, where I grew up, in Jersey, and a tall white man, he was like, oh, I don't know how to do this. And he was like, oh, you have to flip the switches.

I'll show you. And then went into the voting booth with me and then flipped Obama's name and went, and that's how you vote. I'm like... I don't think you're supposed to do this, man. I don't think you're supposed to come in here with me. I think technically that's voter fraud.

But it was how I was going to vote. Yeah, I guess it was the direction you were already headed in. And I can't tell if he was pro-Obama or racially profiling me. Either way, he got it right. Either way, y'all are on the same page. We simply were. What a treat.

What are you going to say about that? Did you vote for Obama? I wasn't 18 yet. Mmm. So I like, I just, I must have been... 16, 17. So I was like, I just barely missed it. I'm so sorry.

So I couldn't. It was a fun time. Yeah, but you know, the second time I got there. I didn't vote for him the second time. I didn't vote for anybody the second time. Sure, because you were like, we're already. Well, I was like, we're here. Yeah.

I don't know what voice that is. But it's definitely not Obama. It's not Obama, but it's somebody. Somebody in the comments will let me know who they think it is. It's a new original when you come and host SNL We've already got some voices that we can We've already got some places we can work from what is a sketch that you want to do so bad But keeps getting vetoed. Oh man. So oh man. That's a great question. Um Man, there's a character duo with me and James Austin Johnson,

the guy who plays Trump, where we're two guys who are singing. We're two guys who are singing about... It's a dude, are you familiar with Charlie Wilson? No. Charlie Wilson, he's like really like an uncle. I'm gonna bring up a picture of you, or a picture of him just to reference for you. He is a man who's probably in his 60s.

Do you know the Kanye song, Bound To? The guy who sings, I know you're trying... That's Charlie Wilson. That's Charlie Wilson. He is really an uncle, and he has a song called Charlie, Last Name Wilson. This is him. Charlie Wilson was also the...

He was the lead singer of the Gap Band. You dropped a bomb on me. That's Charlie Wilson. Got a music legend. But he has a song called Charlie Last Name Wilson, where the chorus is, hey girl, how you doing? My name is Charlie Last Name Wilson. And he keeps introducing himself as Charlie Wilson

over and over again. And so we were inspired by that. And we wrote a song called Introducing Myself, where his, well, I don't want to give too much of a way in case we actually ever do it, but it is just a thing where we are dressed up as kind of like old black uncles and we keep introducing ourselves

over and over and over again. I like that. I think that's funny. We got it to dress earlier this season and then it got cut, but like, it's my dream to get to do it. I think you will. I, when I was still writing sketches,

this sketch never went anywhere, but it was just a bunch of gangsters who can't make plans because they got too sleepy. Yeah. That's funny, I like that. Trying to plan the drive-by, but I just gotta take a nap. I'm tired. Because you gotta plan it if you think but I just gotta take a nap. I'm tired. Because you gotta plan it if you think about it.

Oh, of course. I've never seen the ins and outs of like, someone planning a drive-by or like a robbery. I'd like to see it. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely, there's gotta be logistics, at least if you're gonna do the job right. Yeah, and it's like, well, I can't call out of work again,

so I won't be at the robbery. And it's like, well, Andre, you gotta come. I like that in your version of it, these are gang bangers who are also willfully employed. And they also, they don't care about taking a life in the drive-by, but they do care about being in bad standing with their employer. Well, yeah, because that's a check that they know is coming.

The robbery, something might go awry. Yeah. So it's like, well, what do I have to fall back on? It's my job. Sure. It's like, I got a family. I got a family. I can shoot, but shoot but like I also I'm gonna need those benefits I'm gonna need those health benefits so my son can get this okay This is why you tell people your ideas so they can go hey this is why it's bad

No I'm not even saying what I'm just saying these are parts of it that I find interesting these are parts of it that I'm like there's extra there's actually extra layers to this that like That I think adds some like depth and some warmth and some color. And then, okay. Yeah. All right. So then maybe people are mad at Andre for having a job

because they're like, you don't believe in the gang enough. Yeah, because if you were really rocking with the gang behavior, then it's like. Then you would leave your job. Then why do you need something to fall back on? Why are you working at Bubba Gump? We're gonna go out and rob. He's the shrimp. He's the shrimp.

He's the shrimp. He's the shrimp. He's the shrimp. He's the shrimp. He's gotta go put the whole shrimp costume on. They're like, Nick, get a gun. Get a gun. Get a gun. We keep having to split. I have a homie who...

I can't put a holster in this shrimp costume. Andre. That feels like one of the best places to stash it. They're not gonna look inside the costume. No, they won't. They're not gonna look. Did you, I just did a podcast with Langston Kerman. I love Langston.

The best, so funny. And like in his special, he talks about how his mom married the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull. And that Benny the Bull, this is a 100% true story. Benny the Bull got arrested outside of the stadium for selling drugs with the costume on. He talks about it in a special. What an icon.

It's truly, I was like. What an icon. And his mother married that, was married to that man. I love that. What a beautiful, beautiful story. She married an archipaneur. Yeah. A man who thinks outside the box.

He was on his job. Uh-huh. And he said, I'm going to take a second job. He said, they're not paying me enough over here, and I got a family to support. That's great. I got a stepson. I got to buy him some new sneakers.

I love that. Basketball season's coming up. He going to need a jersey. And he probably got a discount. You would hope so. The only mascot I would date is Ellie the Elephant from the New York Liberty. Shout out to the New York Liberty.

I am, you know, I go to the games. You do? I was at the game when they won the championship. Did you see Ellie? I've seen Ellie many a time and she's, she's really got something. She's really got a star quality. She really does.

She's got something that really like gravitates you towards her. And you know what I will say, and I'm gonna sound like a picnic for a second, but I do think that the energy at the WNBA games is like much more electric, in like a regular season game. It's like playoff games, you go to like a Knicks playoff game, like that gets really hype, but like day to day,

just like an average game week to week, I think the fans of the WNBA are like way more passionate, and you can like feel the energy in like a really different way. Because it could get taken away at any moment. We hate women. They're like, snatch, now it's gone. You don't have women's basketball anymore. It's possible. I hope it doesn't happen.

I love Angel Reese. She's too big. She's awesome. She's so big. Yeah, it's really. I love a big woman. I saw her, one time she was at a Liberty game and truly I saw her from like across the court and we Liberty game. And truly, I saw her from across the court

and we really are like, she's maybe like an inch, she's like an inch taller than me. I'm a tall guy. How tall are you? I'm 6'3". Oh! I didn't clock that. Bless.

I thought we were almost the same height. Close. Guess not. You're 6'1", right? I'm 6'9". That's what people don't realize about the park. 6'7", 8'1". 8'9".

8'9". Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Well, De what people don't realize about the part. Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, what? Eight foot nine. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Well, Devin, we have come to the end. Yeah. Do you have any advice for single people? You know, be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself.

I feel like so many, I feel like so much of like, I think the way that sometimes people can think about dating is they're like, oh, like the pool is the problem. And sometimes I think that can be the case, but I think sometimes you gotta look at, you gotta be like, what am I? You could be the problem. You could be part of the problem.

And I say this as someone who has absolutely been part of the problem. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you gotta look inside and be like, all right, how is what I got going on interacting with what's happening in the pool? So just, you know, take a look inside. And also, it's okay to be single sometimes.

That's the message that I think, I got some friends who keep being like, oh, like L after L after L after L romantically. And I'm just like, well, maybe you should start doing- Take a moment for yourself. Start doing Krav Maga. You know what I'm saying? You remember in You Pray Love,

you saw how much Julia Roberts learned when she just decided to be by herself for a second? Never seen it. I haven't either, but that's the way that I understand... That's the way that I understand the film to be. I think so. She's taking time for herself. And she finds it all there. I like the whole look inward part, because I was reading this book, and it was like,

what are you manifesting that is now coming true? Is it you're always dating assholes, or are you allowing people to be assholes to you, and then when you've had too much, you're are you allowing people to be assholes to you? And then when you've had too much, you're like, I only date assholes. And I was like, well, damn. Yeah.

And it's probably those people are assholes as well, but it's just like, look at the entire picture. That would be my advice. I think that's good advice. Well, Devin, that's it. Oh, wait, would you date me? I would love to. Hell yeah. I would love to. I wonder what that would look like. When's the last Oh wait, would you date me? Uh, I would love to. Hell yeah.

I would love to. I wonder what that would look like. When's the last time? Do you still date comedians? No. I have a partner who is not a comedian and it's delightful. God bless. I love it.

He's very funny and has no comedic aspirations. God, that's the absolute. Because I dated a man before that who had secret aspirations to be a comedian and would come see me perform and give me notes. I think this happens to women who do stand-up frequently, from what I understand, and that is a true bummer. It almost never happens.

I know one particular comedian who was dating this woman for like, I don't know, quite some time, maybe like six, seven years, and then she started doing stand-up. And I've told my girlfriend specifically, I said, if you ever do that, it's over. I gotta go. You can do pretty much anything in this world.

Anything you want. If you start doing stand-up, we will have to go our separate ways. That's kind of how I feel. That is unacceptable to me. I just don't want it. It's just... I don't want to compare notes later. You're starting to do open mics?

No, and then I gotta go? And then I gotta go see you? And then I gotta go watch? No, thank you. Watch you bomb? You cannot. No. You cannot do. And that, yeah, and then what gotta go and then I gotta go see you. I gotta go watch no Thank you bomb you cannot know you cannot do and that yeah And then what if they start brand new and then they're bad and then I have to be like good job Bay because you already love them. Yes No, thank you. That's a good way to fall out of love. You're like People if you're ever if you're I guess no people in relationships if you're ever looking for a way out maybe

Stand-up comedy maybe encourage your partner to start doing stand-up comedy. And then you go, I just have the ick now. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. We got to break up. Anyway, do you have anything you want to promote? Uh, yes, this comes out in July. I do have a...

I have a stand-up show in Atlanta. I have a stand-up show on... July 25th. I have a stand-up show in Atlanta. I have a stand-up show on July the 26th. I have a stand-up show in Atlanta on July the 26th. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a show, if you live in the Atlanta area. I don't know how many tickets I'll have sold at that point. Who knows?

Who knows, but. Maybe there's tickets available. You gotta check, you gotta go. It's at a venue called The Earl in Atlanta. The Earl. Go buy a ticket if they're available. Hopefully they've sold out, but we'll see. Maybe, okay, they might have standby.

So if they're sold out, where can they get a ticket? DevinWalker.com? Yeah, go to the link in my bio. There you go. Link in bio, go ahead and click on that, and go, yeah, come see me in Atlanta. If you like this. Come see me in tour in general.

I'm on tour this summer. Just go see me in whatever cities you're in. Well, what other states do you have? I mean, we've... You're like, they're not booked yet. No, no, no, no. We've got a tour. We've got DC.

When are you in DC? Oh, no, I'm sorry. This won't be up by that point. I'm in Toronto, if anybody's listening to Toronto. I'm in Toronto, August 15th. International. And 16th. I'm in Madison, if anybody's listening to Toronto. I'm in Toronto August 15th. International. And 16th, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. Madison, Wisconsin, have you done Comedy on Stage?

I haven't, but I'm really excited about it. This is what you're doing Comedy on Stage? Yeah, I'm doing Comedy on Stage. You're gonna have such a fucking good time. Everybody says. It's one of my favorite clubs. That's what everybody says, I'm really excited. It's great.

I'm in Providence, Rhode Island on September 5th and 6th. Where are you at? Comedy Connection? Comedy Connection. Great club. I've heard really good things about that as well. Great club. And I'm coming back to Houston, shout out to Texas, on September 12th and 6th. Where are you at? Comedy Connection? Comedy Connection. Great club. I've heard really good things about that as well. And I'm coming back to Houston,

shout out to Texas, on September 12th and the 13th. What club? The Riot. Haven't been. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars. If you write me something nasty

to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, hitting on me, I'll read it. This person writes, Nicole, just because I'm one of your many gay male fans, that doesn't mean we can't get freak nasty together. Here's the plan, I show up at your house with snacks, yes, wine, yes, and my Dwayne the Rock Johnson blow up sex doll, specific.

We can buzz each other's various holes with our vibrators while we take turns eating donuts off the Rock's massive The Cock. Once we lick it clean, Devin hates this, you hop up and start taking it for a ride. You edge closer and closer until you look down and realize, you're riding the real Rock because he came to life. Like Tyra Banks in that movie Lifesize.

That's funny. I like this. We all come together so hard that the Rock proposes to you on the spot, and when he runs for president, you become first lady and I still crash on your couch in the White House sometimes. What do you say? Let's give it a go from Andrew.

Hey, Andrew. I liked it. That was fun. A beginning, a middle, and a freaky little end. Yeah. I didn't like where it started, but I like where it ended. You do. By the time we got to, by the time The Rock came to life,

I was like, oh no, actually. You're like, ooh, I'm into it. I'll come back around on to the, by the time the rock came to life, I was like, oh no, actually. You're like, oh, I'm into it. I'll come back around on this. But also, I love how powerful my pussy is that I brought the rock to life. I mean, and God bless. That's nice.

Bye. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then! Okay, bye bye!