Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We Met Playing Call of Duty (w/ Sarah Silverman)

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

Comedian Sarah Silverman sits down with Nicole to discuss meeting her boyfriend over Call of Duty, the challenges of dating as a female comic, and how many health studies are skewed against women. Plus, Nicole shares her experience getting hit on at Comic-Con.See Sarah Silverman live on her POST MORTEM tour at sarahsilverman.com.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: youtu.be/eOdSuFrUl4sWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message," and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Sponsors:Betterhelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.Follow Nicole Byer: Website: nicolebyerwastaken.comInstagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ha ha. Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out how I'm still single, how I was still single, even though you could come on chocolate and tell me that it's those candies called, um, snowcaps? Oh! Is that what those little white things are? I think that's what they're called. Do you guys know what they're called?

They're called snowcaps and that's the worst candy. They are the worst candy. Why are they so bad? It's not that I'm against dark chocolate. Well, the little white things, what are they? Yeah, snow caps. Snow caps. Thank you. Who are snow caps for? I don't know, but they're for somebody

because I love Goobers. Have you ever had a Goober? Goobers chocolate covered peanut, right? Yes, without the hard shell like an M&M. And they used to sell them at the theater. Where's Goobers? I can't find them anymore. Well, I'm gonna say I'm not,

I was never a big fan of Goobers. Nobody likes Goobers. Sorry. It's really upsetting. But you know what I do love that's equally gross, like in that way? Not that you said it was equal, it was gross. No, no, it's gross.

Nobody likes them. I like Raisinets. Ew! I like Raisinets. Ew! I like Raisinets. That's really upsetting to me. I'm embarrassed about it. Because that's just a chocolate covered raisin, right? Yeah.

Wait, I have to introduce you. My guest today is a legendary Emmy-winning comedian, actress, writer, and producer who hosts the weekly podcast and you can catch her live in a... Wait... It doesn't say what the weekly podcast is. It's called the Sarah Silverman podcast. That was humiliating for me. I'm just reading.

And I was like, what? Why doesn't it have the complete things? I don't know. Mars? Oh wait, was this Lindsay? I don't know, but heads are gonna roll. Because her name is the title of the podcast. Right, just taking Sarah Silverman in podcast,

and that's literally the title. I think many years ago, I remember Jimmy Kimmel just saying like, whatever you name something, they're just gonna call it the Sarah Silverman, bah, or the Jimmy Kimmel. So just name it that. I mean, that's what I did. I don't know, I did it.

I do have a title, but I say with Nicole Byer. Yeah, no, but this is very catchy, hooky, but also, I don't know what the current situation is. Well, the current situation is, I can't date anybody because I am dating somebody. I mean, I heard you say, was, was, was, you know. Gotta keep it fresh. Gotta keep the people informed.

Listen, I wanna know everything about it. I don't know anything you don't wanna talk to just about just like this. Well, I haven't really. But I love love. I haven't spoken to too, wait, I haven't finished your intro. Sorry, oh my God, please.

The people don't know what I've done and what's going on and what's gonna happen. Well, what's gonna happen is you can catch her live in a city near you on the post-mortem tour. It's Sarah Silverman! And I just bought sarasilverman.com. I've never. Wait, this is huge. I don't have NicoleByer.com. For all these years, I was just like, I'm not paying money for my own name.

I just did it. And now it's so easy to go, you can get your tickets at sarasilverman.com. You don't have to remember some weird thing with slash dot blah. Mine's weird. It's NicoleByerWasTaken.com. That's brilliant. Nicole Byer was taken and now she is taken. I am taken.

He's really nice. He's a nice boy. I haven't really spoken too, too much about him because he's not a comedian and he's not in the industry and he's like a rather private person and he said the sweetest thing he was like you can say whatever you want about me because I trust you I trust you to not say gulp things that you shouldn't say or he didn't say that he was just like I just trust you and I was like oh my god you trust me like one night I asked him I was like if I became a table, would you keep me?

And he was like, what? I was like, if you came home and I was a coffee table, would you keep me? And he was like, do I have to feed you? And I was like, no, I'll steal food from the refrigerator when you're not home. And he went, yes, I would. I would keep you. And I was like, oh, that's nice. And he's like, and I try to like figure out

how to make you not a table. And it was the nicest thing. I'm like crying. It's so sweet because he just went along with it with you. And I've dated people who'd be like, what are you talking about? And very quickly he was like, oh, you're just talking, because you like to talk,

and you like to come up with weird things. I'm truly like crying. But just somebody who can chill with that. Yes. And not be like, but you're not a table. Why are you even talking about that? Because I'm a creative and I need to like constantly be. Be weird.

Yeah. Because then I pretended to be a table for a while. Well, that's kind of the doggy style position, Be weird. Yeah. Because then I pretended to be a table for a while. Well, that's kind of the doggie style position, I hate to say. It is. But there was no sex happening. Wow, it really just occurred to me that I could have made that sexy. And I did.

And I was just like, I'm a table. But he yes anded you. He did. Which is really nice. It's yes anded you. He did, which is really nice. It's nice. Are you dating? I am. And I am dating a comedian, but he also was like,

could you, if you're gonna talk about my pubes, could you ask me first? And I was like, oh God, I didn't even think about it. But yeah. That is funny. I didn't even think about it. But yeah. That is funny. I also didn't think about it. I was dating somebody else a couple years ago, and I didn't ask them before I started talking about them on stage,

and then talked about them on stage while he was like holding my purse and standing at the back of the venue. And it wasn't the kindest joke. And then he was like, I don't want to like take away from the comedy stuff. And I know you want to talk about funny things, but like, we haven't worked through that problem yet. And I was like, yeah, exactly. A problem is not a funny thing.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to work through it through my, through my brain. But then I was like, oh yeah, you didn't ask for this. So I have to be like, nice about it. But were you saying things that you hoped he would internalize and then correct? Yes. Which is not healthy. Yeah, I guess.

How do you navigate that? And you guys met playing Call of Duty? Yes. That's fun. It was, the pandemic happened and as soon as it, I was in New York in an Airbnb because I was there for work, which immediately got canceled. And so I went to a GameStop and said, well, I'll just buy a,

I bought a used console and one game and some headsets. And I go, I'll just learn this for the next three weeks, thinking that's the longest it could be. And then I started playing Call of Duty World War II. And I posted it. Had you played before? No. Wait, this is very funny.

It was a lot to learn. The last I played was Nintendo 64, GoldenEye, which I loved. So it was all new buttons, all new things. And then he, I had, I knew him a little bit, but like I didn't remember what he looked like. And he texted and was like, he direct messaged me and was like, I play that, you know, do you have headphones?

And I go, yeah, but I don't know how to use them, you know? And then he talked me through it all. And every night we would play at 7.05. And- Why 7.05? Because at seven o'clock everybody everybody goes on their fire escape and... Oh, yes. Hits pots and pans for five minutes.

That was the wildest thing, I think, of the whole pandemic. Like, I know people passed. It was very sad. But then, like, after people had to watch people die and work, like, a 12-hour shift, they then had to go home and hear people making noise. Well, when you put it that way, Nicole, it felt like connection because everyone was inside.

Yes. And now everyone's outside just kind of going like, I'm here, we're together. We're making it, you know. So it was kind of beautiful. But when you say that, I mean, like some nurse ends their shift, like. And they're like just going home being like, today was a hard day. And it's like, clang, clang, clang, clang clang clang clang clang clang and you're like okay I know we're overreacting but it sounds like people are literally just hitting pots and pans.

But I do get it in New York New York was wild because I had a couple friends here in New York during that time and like I had one friend who walked past like a freezer truck every day and I was was like, oh my god, that sucks. And there was two, so it was like a, she was on this corner, and there was one here and one there, so she couldn't really avoid it. One had bodies and one was a Mr. Softie. And she was like, I like the bodies.

No. Your tour is called Postmortem. Yes, speaking of dead bodies. And that is about your parents? Yes. I mean, I feel like there's such a fine line between comedy and tragedy. Definitely.

Because both my parents are dead too. Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. And I'm sorry about your parents. Thank you. And it sucks. It sucks so bad. But like the only way I have found to get through it

is by laughing, and I do things I didn't realize I do. Almost every person I've dated for longer than a month is like, oh, on our first or second date, you're like, mom's dead, dad's dead, dadada-pidee. Like this. Which is unhinged if you have parents who are living, because it sounds like I'm being flippant about it. I'm just being like, oh, I'm putting up a wall.

Please don't ask me about this. I'm telling you that they're gone. I'm trying to be funny about it. I don't want you to ask me about them. Well, you're immediately taking care of their feelings by making it, minimizing it. Yes, that too. Huh, how wild.

Yeah. How do you think? Because you know what? Our whole lives is trying to make people not feel uncomfortable in our presence, I think. How do you think? Because you know what? Our whole lives is trying to make people not feel uncomfortable in our presence, I think. Don't you think? Wow. Yeah.

Yes, because when a joke bombs on stage, I immediately go, why don't you like me? And I'm really sorry I did that to you. How can I fix this? I mean, like looking, you know, being like a detective in our own lives, like I know that like growing looking, you know, being like a detective in our own lives, like, I know that, like, growing up in New Hampshire, we wouldn't have felt Jewish if we didn't grow up in New Hampshire, because our parents weren't religious, but we were just, like, Jew-y,

but every—there weren't other Jews, so they were just—they were so aware of it that there was an unspoken thing when I would sleep at friends' houses where I feel—I just feel like, looking back, I couldn't at friends' houses where I just feel like looking back, I couldn't have articulated this or known I was doing this at the time. But it was like my job to make my friends' parents not afraid of me, you know? And be extra nice, extra funny, affable, easy, you know? Because it was very... I remember everyone's parents would be like, are you from New York? And I'd be like, what's New York? I'm from here. I was born and raised

in New Hampshire. That's where all the Jews are from. New York. And of course that's what they thought, because now they're like, they were probably 30 and they lived in New Hampshire their whole lives and they know from movies and television that Jews are from New York. And it turns out they are. Like I moved to New York when I was 18 and I was like, the first time I felt like I was home, I was like, Oh my God, I am from New York. This is funny because I never thought about it because people would be like, where are you from? I'd be like Jersey. And they're like, no,

where are you really from? Like Jersey. And they're asking like where my, like where my people come from. Never occurred to me till right now. And that's very funny. Yeah, they want you to say Namibia. Because I'm old. Wait, this is... Am I gonna start crying again?

My mind is blown. It really never occurred to me that that's what people were getting at. And I bet you spent a lot of your life making people comfortable. Oh, absolutely. My mom once said to me which maybe not the kindest thing but she was like when I'd be like Oh, I have a crush on somebody She'd be like well don't like them too much because they're probably not gonna want to take you home to their mom and I'd be like

Oh, oh Just cuz I'm black cuz I grew up around a lot of like nice whites They were you probably grew up a lot around a lot of Jews. Yes. You went to one like bar mitzvahs and stuff. I never did. I didn't know any Jewish people. That's so funny to me. Cause growing up, I went to a ton of bar and bat mitzvahs.

We had off for every Jewish holiday. We went to school very late, like late into June because we had off for all the Jewish holidays. Oh my God. Very different experience. It's wild to me. And then I always thought Jewish people were white people because all the white people were Jewish. Yeah, in Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. So and then later I was like, oh, okay, it's different. But yeah,

it's very funny that we've had such different experiences with Jewish people because, yeah, there are so many. And they're nice. Yeah, and yet there aren't. What a wild sentence I just said. And they're nice. They're all nice. They're one thing.

They're a monolith and it's a nice one. So what was dating like when you were in college? I lost my virginity to a comedian who's now basically a white nationalist. Oh, that's always fun. Was he at January 6th? No, no, he's way too lazy for that. That's the funniest insult.

But I think he did have a tour called White Guys Matter during the L.M. movement. Wow! Yeah. a tour called White Guys Matter during the L.M. movement. Wow. Yeah, he's got a nice, he's got a pretty big audience. Wow. There's an audience for that, it turns out. I don't know if you- I have a theory about it. Mm-hmm, go on.

I don't necessarily think all of these people who lean towards the right in their comedy actually believe that. I think they don't think their life is going to be changed no matter who's in office. I'd rather just make money. I don't really care about the optics or the repercussions of what I'm doing.

100%. I think like they have no good comedians. So if you are at all can put a joke together, you'll be the biggest comment. You can read a prompter, they're like, yay! It's so curious to me, cause I mean, I don't know, I could talk about it all day.

It's so strange. Well it's just interesting, cause people go like, well I can't say anything anymore, whatever it is, like, no, you can say anything you want to. Anything you want. What do you, you know, like,

you should have myriad words that you're, you know, I have no words right now. At your disposal. There are so many ways to express yourself, but you want to say this, you know, but fine, you can. And you can even get a big audience doing it, you know, but like, they all go like, well, I feel like they're going like, well, Anthony Jeslin gets away with it, yeah.

Because he's so funny. Yeah, he's brilliant. And has a take on it. Because I say this to people all the time, I'm like, Jeslin is one of the most offensive comedians I've ever seen, but he's so funny. If it's funny enough. And it's not punching down,

it's just, his brain is like different. And the things he comes up with are so funny. And I do think you could talk about anything you want, as long as it's original. You have a take on it and you're saying something, or maybe it's just goofy. But like, you're not hurting anybody and you're, I don't know. I just. Like he, he isn't, he isn't hurting anyone, and he's so hardcore. So it's possible. It's possible to do it. So don't act like,

if I can't say this fucking shitty word, and like cut people to their core, then I can't do, you know, I mean, listen, you know. Yeah, without naming names, there's like a couple of comedians where they're just like, I'm not apologizing for things. And I'm like, okay, that's fine and good, but like defend the joke.

Tell me what was funny about it to you. And then I think if you had to explain what the joke was, I don't think you would even find it funny. I think you would have to come down to like, it's just shock value. That's what the funny part is. Yeah. I don't know. Sarah, this state of comedy is so wild. Yes, it's just shock value. That's what the funny part is. Yeah. I don't know.

Sarah, this state of comedy is so wild. Yes, it is. You can't even be funny anymore. I don't know, Jim Gaffigan doesn't have a problem with it. No, there's so many people who simply don't have a problem with it. And like, I know a bunch of guys that made a whole movie, but there's no freedom of speech anymore.

You made a fucking movie. You made a movie. And it came out. That's the definition of the freedom of speech. And you're loaded. It's so confusing. Oh boy. Wow.

Do I have to take a break? Oh, there is a clock. I should take a break. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I want to thank somebody in my life, share some gratitude about my therapist, because she's great. This month is all about gratitude, and along with the person I just shouted out, there's another person we don't thank enough, ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything in this crazy world. That it isn't easy. This world's not easy.

And here's a reminder to send some thanks to people in your life, including yourself. So therapy is a good way to thank yourself and be nice to yourself and be kind to yourself. So if you're considering starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online and designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist

and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. That's important. Finding a good therapist is kind of like dating. If it doesn't work the first time, try again. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash date me.

And we're back. Okay, so after college, or after the four years you spent in New York, how long did you stay in New York? I was in New York until, I was in New York for six years in a row. Ooh, in a row! Well, I mean, then I moved to LA, but I'd go back a lot and stuff. But I don't have a place there, shockingly.

No? No, I just always have to like, I either stay at a hotel that I always stay at, or I stay at a... Oh wait, you don't have to say it. I will say, my favorite hotel was the Gramercy Park Hotel, which has since closed. That closed? Yes, and they have like a fire sale, and I couldn't get to New York in time to go,

but they like sold everything, beds, lamps. They're closed? Yes, they closed. I love the smell of that place. Same. I just, also I stayed there enough because I would just request to stay there and I knew it was like kind of expensive,

but I was like, if they want to pay for it, they can. Yeah. And I got to know the doorman there. I won't say his name because that seems rude. He didn't ask for it, but like we follow each other on Instagram. And you get, did you get a key to the park? Yes.

So I would just sit in this like park alone and just like be one with nature. And then this lovely dormant would be like, how was your time? I'd be like, really great. And he'd be like, when do I see you again? I'd be like, I think I'll be back in a couple of months. He's my good friend.

I love him. I mean, you, when you stay at, our whole lives are at hotels. And so especially in your, I know, I know, yeah, all the doorman at this place where I stay and everything, even like a million years ago once, we were laughing so hard because I... It was reported in the post that I was like yelling at the doorman, which I was, but it was a bit that we always do.

Where I go like, nobody opened the door for me when I walked in. And I like have a huge fit, but it's a bit we always do. And then when it was, it made it, I mean, obviously it didn't look good, but I didn't care, it was so funny. That is, it's really funny. You're like, I look horrible in this, but like my bit killed.

People believe that. It was just like reported, like, you know, like one of this little Cindy Adams things, but it's just like, oh my God, we're, our bit. Look at us, our bit killed. We're in page six. Well, also it's just like, proves that when jokes are just transcribed and then shown to the public, like, isn't this terrible? Yeah, it always looks bad.

It's very bad. So when you were in New York, did you find it easier or harder to date? And did you think dating out here in L.A. was easier? I feel like I haven't really dated much, like gone on dates. I could probably count on one hand, like going on a date. I mean, usually it's just like I hook up with a comic and it lasts like two or three years. You know?

But I'll stay in something until it's thoroughly exhausted with one foot in for years. But I mean, this one, baby, is real and the final one. But I'm like, he's looking, he's watching right now. This one, ooh baby. This one is special. No he is. But I mean, I don't know, I've dated mostly comics,

which is probably a bad idea. I don't think so. Wait, so people haven't like slipped into your DMs to be like, hey, Sarah, I could rock your world. I definitely have, I met, one, Sarah, I could rock your world. I definitely have. I met one boyfriend I had. We met on Twitter. But he's like a comedy writer.

And I'm pretty much still good friends with everybody, all the comics I've dated. Because you see them forever for the rest of your life. You see them forever. No one tells you this, that if you sleep with people that you're going to see consistently, you might be that if you sleep with people that you're gonna see consistently, you might be in a room with five people you've hooked up with and you're like, well, this is hell.

Yeah, oh yeah. But you know what, I mean, especially when I was coming up, but the male comics, they fuck just as much, but they're fucking servers and like people on the road and fans. And it's just like women tend to be more attracted to people who are passionate about what they're doing and like, you know, that they think is creatively, you know, brilliant or like a, at the very least an equal, you know?

Like, I mean, oh, that sounds shitty. Like, I'm not saying a server is an equal. I'm just saying they're maybe not where they wanna be in life. I think guys tend, straight guys tend towards people who are not where they wanna be yet in life. That's a perfect fit for them. Male comics love a chuckle fucker.

They love someone who's like, oh my God, you're so funny tonight. Your set was like slightly different tonight than it was last night. Do you wanna like, I don't know, get a drink? And then they're like, oh my God, she listened to my set two nights in a row. And then they're always like, she gets it.

Oh, does she, does she get it? God, it's so funny. I don't, when I speak to like female comedians, I feel like mostly all of them are like, no, I don't really have chuckle fuckers. Sure, somebody will compliment me after a set, but like nobody's like throwing themselves at me. Although I did, I think I talked about this.

Did I talk about this man at Comic-Con? Yes, oh, I don't know if it may have been Off-Pod. Oh, okay. Go on. I about this man at Comic-Con? Yes, oh, I don't know if it made a boon off pod. Oh, okay. Go on. I did a panel for Comic-Con, and then afterwards, people wanted to take pictures, which is very nice. And then also they wanted my cue cards, which I thought was a strange thing.

That like the thing that you put your camera on and it... The, so I had these little index cards, not cue cards, sorry, they were like little index cards that I was reading my notes Yes, and you were like, can I have them and I was like, I think so and I was like, but why do you want them? It just it's what I had to say and you heard it whatever and then this one man was like, can I have one? I was like sure and he was like also I'm shooting my shot with you. Can I take you out? And I was like, oh I I'm shooting my shot with you. Can I take you out?" And I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm into that right now. And he was like, well, how about I DM you

and then you think about it. And I was like, oh, I just, I think I'm okay. I also didn't want to be like, oh, I'm dating somebody. But also for us, it's terrifying. A little. For a straight guy with like a 18 year old girl who's like, you're amazing. It's not scary.

They're not worried. Like, are you going to kill me and cut me into pieces? It is funny that that's the thought process, because I was like, oh, he's a pretty big dude. And I was like, things went wrong. I don't think I could. Of course. That's the first thing.

That's our survival. I mean, like, the first thing you have to think of is, is he gonna kill me? Which is wild. I have a joke about that where I took someone home because I like looked him up and down. I was like, oh, I think I could take him. And then I said it to him later.

This isn't part of the joke, but I said it to him later. I was like, oh, the reason why I invited you home is because I thought I could like kill you if things went wrong. And he was like, oh, I'm much stronger than you. And I was like, no, I don't know. You're pretty thin and weak. So then I was like, okay, try to overpower me.

And then he did it and I was like, oh, no, I made a grave mistake. You could have killed me. But it is wild that that's what you have to think about all the fucking time. Yeah, I think what we're attracted to tends to be someone who could kill us, but won't. But won't.

He's gonna be very nice. He's so nice. Mm-hmm. When I am touring and traveling, if I get a weird vibe from the town, I won't go out. Like I just won't, I won't even get a drink anywhere. I'll go right to my hotel room. And I don't think men have to deal with that.

Of course they don't. And they get to go out and have fun and not be frightened. And I mean, not to be so binary. But I mean, I remember Whitney Houston, Whitney Cummings. I'm always confusing the two. They're so alike. They're so alike. Beautiful voices. She said something that was, it They're so alike. They're so alike. Beautiful voices. They, she said something

that was, it's just so true and it's you know like, guy comics they don't realize that like walking to our car after the set is the scary, is scary every single night you know like. Yeah. It's not something that ever has to occur to them. I was on a show called Girl Code years and years and years ago. And one of the promos I had put out was two men, two comedians who I find very funny. And in the moment, it probably seemed really funny, but they were like, yeah, I'll follow a girl. If I think she's cute, yeah, I'll follow her, see where she's going. And I like called one of the producers and I was like, you have to remove that from the show. And they were like, but it's funny.

And I was like, I understand why you think it's funny because those are your friends and they're making a joke, but there's people who are watching who will feel validated in their weird behavior. So I was like, I don't think it's okay to put that out even as a promo. And I just had to talk for so long for them to be like, oh, I actually think you're right. And I was like, yeah, of course I'm fucking right.

I'm a woman. And I have felt scared at times. So like, just listen. I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, this world, it's not fun and it's not getting better. Maybe we should all just go to sleep forever. Which I say to my therapist a lot.

Oh, and your therapist is like, you're healed. No, you passed therapy. I love sleep so much, and I have a very active sleep life, and I have to be there a lot. Mm-hmm, me too. I love sleeping, but also I can run on no hours of sleep. I can sleep for like three hours and like live for like a week, but then at the end of the week,

I have to sleep for many, many hours. Right, a big sleep. Yes. I always, yeah, exactly. If I go and go and go, I need a big sleep, like a 20 hour in bed. Yes, and people don't get that, but I'm like, I'm making up for lost sleep.

You've toured for, how long have you been touring? How long have you been doing standup? Like 20 years? Oh, doll. I mean, I'd like to say that, but long, I mean, I first did standup when I was 17, but I didn't do it for money until I was 19. So that's 34 years. I don't know it for money until I was 19. So that's 34 years.

I don't know what age is. That seems too long. I think I've been standing for 34 years and I look this good. You do look great. Oh, I think you look great and I don't know what age is anymore. But I thought you were definitely younger

than what you're implying. I'm 53. You did that math so quick, but also you probably just know. Yeah, no, I just know my age. Yeah. I didn't add 34 plus 19. I was trying so hard to do it in my head, and it just wasn't working out for me.

No, you do just put 19 to 20, add 30, add 3. And that's that new math. It is? Mm-hmm. New math makes you do extra steps, but also that's how my brain works naturally. Yeah, you take the long way, the scenic route. The scenic route to get to that answer.

A lot of comics do. Well, I think a lot of us are neurodivergent, which is such a fun word for like, We sure are. Yeah, exactly. They're like, how can we jazz it up? are neurodivergent, which is such a fun word for like, we sure are. Yeah, exactly. They're like, how can we jazz it up? Neurodivergent. I love the internet and on Instagram,

it shows a lot of conversations between like neurodivergent people and neurotypical people. And I'm like, wait, neurotypical people are boring. They're having a sad time. They're rare too. I feel like more people, I don't know. I guess more people we know are quote unquote neurodivergent. Yes.

Yeah, which is a nice word. It's more of a, it shows more of a spectrum of the autism scale. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And I've got that ADHD baby. I've been watching Instagrams about ADHD and I, I mean, I definitely, I definitely have it. Yeah I think more people have it than they realize but also if you can manage it without medication oh boy you're living a nice time because if I forget to take my medicine I get a little loopy which is funny that I'm saying I get loopy and I'm I present

pretty loopy but even more loopy and I can't like do anything and sometimes I'll be driving and I'll be like wait. What was I doing yesterday? Oh, I don't know the note like I won't see lights like I'll just be driving. It's like not okay If I have someone in the car, I'm a terrible driver and I'm like, I swear I'm good when I'm alone But when I'm like entertained, you know, I'm in the car talking to someone I miss every turn I yeah, I definitely better when someone else is in the car because I know if I kill them their family won't forgive me Like they'll be mad at me that's an excellent way to Guide yourself through life. Yeah, so like whenever I'm with somebody I'm like pay attention Stop at the stop sign and then also sometimes stop signs, I'm like, you don't have to stop.

This should be a yield. Yeah, like there should be a roll through. I think so. Yeah. That's how I feel. Sarah. I think you're right. I have a question.

Do you have any advice for single people? Well, you know what? I know this is, I don't know, I don't know what I think about manifestation, but I do think there is something to it. Like, Chelsea Handler made me write down what I wanted in a man. And then when I started dating Rory, she goes, look at that list. And it was all the things. Even down to like, I wanted a handyman. I want someone who can like fix things. And oh my God, Rory just, you know, when people tell you like, I'm the kind of person

I'm always in my mind going, no, you're not. You wouldn't have to say it. You wouldn't have to say it. You wouldn't have to tell me. You just would be. But he said, told me something about himself, and it is the truest thing knowing him. He goes, I'm a dad without kids looking for a lawn to mow.

And oh my God, if he isn't, like anytime I'm looking for him, he's on a ladder fixing something, changing the air filter, working on his grass. He has a little patch of grass and he's always digging out the parts that the dogs peed on and replanting. And then, I mean, he went away

and he would FaceTime me and say, could you just put the camera on the grass for, like I'd have to show him his grass to see if he could see his growth. It's so sweet. I mean, he just like, he's like, I gotta clean the garage that he likes. His weekend is spent like organizing the garage

and his tools and he, everything that I would be calling somebody to come fix, he can fix it. It's so hot to me. That is nice. I, things that are hot to me is like a man who's passionate and I really really like it doesn't matter what you're passionate about. You could truly just like the color green and you could talk to me about the color green for an hour and I won't get bored because you are so excited about it. Yes. And I like cars a ton.

I love cars. It's one of my, like I used to visit my favorite car. It has since, I think they moved because it's not there anymore, but it was an Atwater and it was a Volkswagen Golf, which is a hatchback but it was a pickup and those don't exist in America. So I think it was driven from Mexico up to here. And I was like, oh my god,

he went on a road trip. He like, I was just like so excited. I was like, oh my god, you're seeing new things. And I go visit it. And I was telling the boy that I'm dating and he was like, fully enthralled with it. And like, at one point, he was like, I just really love how much you love cars. Like it's really fun. And I was like, oh, it's dumb. And he's like, it's not dumb. And I was like, oh. And he just lets me drone on and on and on. And it's just so nice. And then he's got his interests and I let him drone on.

Like he was showing me like a video game that I truly have no interest in. Not interested. It's very like Lord of the Ringy, very like in, I don't know, it's like a story game. But he was like explaining it to me and he's like, and that's my son who followed me around. And then there's arrows. And then you scoop this up and you do that. And I was like, and then what? And I'm like genuinely excited to hear more about his son in the video game. It's like a

cute little elf who follows this big man around. I was like, boy, oh boy, never in my life did I ever think I'd be excited about a video game. But I feel like that's what people do to you when you really like them. It's true. And he is, he's like, I love anyone that is passionate about what they do or about what they're interested in. It's, it's when you find people who are just like not into anything, it's so... Confusing. Oh my god, what's your thing? What do you like?

Yeah. Even if it's TV, I love TV. That's probably my passion is probably watching television. What's your favorite TV show? It changes all the time. Right now, well, I mean, in reality, I'm a bachelor person. Okay. Although this Golden Bachelorette is maybe too sad.

But I know, I heard it gets very good, but it's, you know, everybody's spouses have died. But it is funny, because the men are like, the sink is broken. They're like fixing everything, because they're all in it. It's so different than like the, with the younger ones. But I'm watching Disclosure on Apple, which is so good.

We just finished episode three. I am watching, and I'm not a superhero person, but it's not a superhero show, The Penguin. Is it good? Fucking incredible. Is it the same director as the last Batman movie? Or it's the same... It's that Penguin character.

I haven't seen that last, but... You gotta! I heard it's really good. I really liked it, and I don't really like any of the Batmans. It's that Colin Farrell as the Penguin. Yes. Which is, and Rory, and usually I'm the one who says this, but he's like, I think the Penguin is like a Jewish character,

and they make him look like Harvey Weinstein, and like blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, we we Google it and it's true, like that's the lore is like he's Jewish but he's in the mob and he's so despicable and normally I would be like, ah it's fucking, but I don't know, it's so good we can't help it. We do think it's anti-semitic but we love it so much. It's just so good. He's fucking incredible. That's like so many times when that happens but it's just when the actor's so good, what

are you going to do? He's incredible. The show's incredible. And then that actress, I don't know if I'm saying her name right, but it's like Kristen Milioti. Oh, yes. She was in that movie Palm Springs, which was also great. Yes, which is a great movie.

It was so good. Oh my God. And they shot a lot of it at the Bat Caves. Oh, they did also great. Yes, which is a great movie. It was so good. Oh my God, it's such a fun movie. And they shot a lot of it at the Bat Caves. Oh, they did? Yeah, that's the cave they go in. Oh! She is insane in this movie.

Really? She's gonna win an Emmy. She's incredible. I guess I have to watch it. Drilling. And she looks, I feel like, just like a little me. I wanna play like her mother in something. Well, pitch it to the, um, somebody.

Is she a doctor show business? Oh my God. Pitch it to somebody. Hello, Steve Show Business? Hello, Hollywood. We've got an idea. I sound like my, um, my relatives. They'll be like, well, why don't you just do that?

Why don't you go, that's like when you're younger. Why don't you do that? They're like, why don't you go on The Tonight Show don't you go? That's like when you're young, they're like, why don't you go on The Tonight Show? Yeah, just do it. Do The Tonight Show, just do it. That's a really good idea. Hello, Steve Hulu. I'd like to have my own show.

I wish there was a Steve Hulu. I wish there was somebody for what everything was named after. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like I wish there was the Warner Brothers. I'm sure at one point there was. There were the Warner Brothers.

But I'd like them to still be two brothers. Yeah. Or three. Well, why can't they be more ma and pa? I don't know. I think everything should be ma and pa. Get rid of Target, get rid of Walmart, bring back small stores.

I couldn't think of a single one. They're all gone. I'm not sick, I just smoke. It's a really bad habit. I need two. Cigarettes? One a day. Really?

I can't, do you really smoke cigarettes? Yes. Oh my God. It's so hard. Even teenagers don't smoke anywhere. I know, it's bizarre. It's so wild. Like nobody smokes anywhere. Well because it's fucking stupid. And it's a bad habit. But I love them.

Forever. And I have close friends that have no idea. I can cut this out then. No, it's okay. I have, my parents are dead so I can talk about it. Mine too. I have one cigarette with coffee. In the morning? In the morning or whenever the morning is for me and it's my joy.

And like if I'm at a party or something, I don't drink so I'll have like smoked pot and I'll maybe have a cigarette because that's like as a social thing. What kind do you smoke? I'm not brand loyal but now I never thought this would be the case because I always hated them, but I smoked parliaments because that was like the last thing the kids were smoking and that's where I left off.

I smoked parliaments for a while. I loved them. Good party cigarette. Perfect bump from the filter. Oh yeah, someone said that that's what they would do. They put cocaine in that hole. It's a perfect bump. But now I smoke marble menthols and menthols are banned in California. That's right. When I was in Tennessee, I bought a bunch of camel crushes. That's what I do. When I tour, I was at the Tempe Improv and as a nice gift, they gave me a carton of cigarettes. And I almost started crying. I was like, this is so thoughtful.

But wait, you smoke Marlboro menthol. Yes. So if the camel crushes. I don't like them. You get to crush a little poison capsule. Yes, and I don't like them. They're very close to Marlboro menthol lights and I don't like a light. I want a full body. I want to feel it. They're very close to Marlboro menthol lights, and I don't like a light.

I want a full body. I want to feel it. It's disgusting. I love how your laugh is like, I want to feel it. No, trust us. It's smoky, it's great. It's good.

It's really good. It gives you that sexy rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes you feel good. Nobody lives forever. Yeah, do whatever you want. I also had to like learn how to smoke. Do you know what I mean?

Did it come natural to you or did you have to learn? I guess I learned from, it's so funny because my sister and I years ago were both smoking cigarettes outside a hockey rink because I had a boyfriend that played hockey. And some kids walked by and I like hid it behind our back. You know, I was like, oh. And then I go, oh, I don't know.

I guess people smoke when I was, when we were growing up, everyone smoked. And she goes, yeah, and we smoke. I was like, oh yeah, right. That's why we smoke. That is so funny. I mean, I feel like, oh yeah, right. That's why we smoke. That is so funny. She doesn't smoke anymore. I feel like my parents didn't smoke, none of my friends, no, I had one friend whose mom smoked

and she would keep them in the cupboard with rubber bands on it and we would just take the rubber bands off and smoke her cigarettes. But then everyone stopped smoking and I was like, sometimes I really feel like Kristen Johnson's character. I was just gonna say that when you said that.

And sex in the city, and she's like smoking, and she's like, nobody smokes anymore. Nobody does have fun anymore. And then she falls out the window. Which honestly, I was like, that is the ultimate fun. It's so funny. That's exactly what I thought of when you were saying that. That's how I feel all the time.

Or I'll be like, oh, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette, and then people are like, okay. Yeah, ugh, gross. And I'm like, okay, I'm sorry. And then you come back and be like, wow, you really stink like a cigarette. And I'm like, yeah, because I was enjoying my life, having a nice time outside.

I'm really sorry about it. My sister also doesn't like that I smoke. She's always like, when will you stop that? And I'm like, I don't know, probably never. But I mean, honestly, I've been eating edibles because, and I'm a stoner, you know, but like, it's harsh when I smoke weed, but it's not harsh when I have my one cigarette at all.

I think cigarettes are less harsh than weed. My friend gave me a bunch of joints that I was like, ooh, I'm gonna smoke these. And they're the strongest joints I've ever had in my whole life. LA weed is just truly a different type of weed. You can't enjoy it. I love enjoying a full joint, like a blunt.

Like, I love, I like the act of smoking, but here you can, I can do like three puffs and I'm like, well, I'll never stop laughing. I gotta sit down. The edibles, because I never really was on, took edibles and lately I've been eating edibles. And it's great because it's either great or terrible for this reason, but it hits you and you don't go,

oh my God, it hit me. You don't realize you're high. And then like 10 minutes in, you're like, oh, I'm very high. That happened to me last night. I took an edible, and then I think I was doing, like, detangling my hair or something. I was doing something in my room.

And then I went downstairs, and then I was like, whoa, the kitchen's pretty far away. And then I, like, literally was like, you gotta keep walking. You gotta make it to the kitchen. And then I got to the sink, and I was like, oh, you're so high right now. That's why the kitchen is so far away. Okay, we have to take one more break.

Wait, what was your advice for single women? Oh, I, did I never say it? Oh, I started saying, right, right. Oh, Oh, but there is something about writing down what you want because we may want something for ourselves. That's good. But what we're drawn to is more often what we're what's familiar to us. And that's why we're drawn to people that repeat like dynamics between your mother and you or your father and you, because it's familiar. Even if it was toxic, even if it wasn't healthy,

even if it was like from childhood, you were abused in some way, you tend to go towards what's familiar. That is interesting. I do, I have a history of dating men who either didn't like me or I felt like I had to chase them. And it wasn't that my dad didn't like me. It was, I don't know if he was fully interested in me.

He was withholding maybe? Maybe. I just think he was a... You couldn't get him to see you? Yes. Or rather, he, so he had two daughters and he really wanted us to be like Venus and Serena Williams because he loved tennis.

And I was like, simply can't do it. And then he was an engineer, So he had two daughters and he really wanted us to be like Venus and Serena Williams because he loved tennis. And I was like, simply can't do it. And then he was an engineer, so he liked math. And I was like, simply the way my brain works, can't do it. So I feel like since I didn't have his same interests, he then wasn't super interested in me. But then, you know, before he died, he like did come around and was like, I understand that we're different. I was like, I understand that we're different. And then we really bonded and like had a last like,

last two years were really, really great. That's great. I think the years before are set in my brain. So that's what I'm looking for in a man or in a partner. But the person I'm currently seeing just likes me. So I spent a lot of time in therapy being like, well, should I just break up with him because he likes me too much?

And therapist is like, what is that? Let's like get into that. She's like, so you wanna break up with someone because you feel good? And I was like, yes, because it feels weird and it doesn't feel right. And I don't know what that is. And she's like, well, it's just like,

how about you sit and being uncomfortable for a little bit and enjoy that this person likes you, because that might not always be the case. So enjoy it now. And I was like, ah, shit, okay. So now I'm trying really hard to just be like, when he says things that I'm like, that can't be true. I'm just trying to believe him.

And I say it out loud to him. Like if he's like, oh, I really like you. I'm like, I can't be true. I'm just trying to believe him. And I say it out loud to him. Like if he's like, oh, I really like you. I'm like, I'm just gonna believe you. Yeah. Because you have to, like, this is gonna sound corny and eye rolly. And it is trite because it's like what RuPaul says at the end of his show.

Like if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else? And it's true. If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else? And it's true, if you can't truly love and accept yourself, the way you would want, if you were to parent your own self, the way you would want to do that, and the way you would want yourself to feel about yourself. I don't know if that was...

But then you're gonna push away someone who loves you, and you're gonna chase someone that you can't quite get that love from. And he, until you know you agree that he's right, that you're pretty fucking awesome, you know, you're gonna waste it. Well, it was funny, because before I started dating him, I was like, yes, I genuinely love myself, da da da da. But then I realized, I like myself,

I think I've just learned to accept myself, and acceptance is different than love. So it's like, things would happen in other relationships where if I had a friend who said that to me, I'd be like, girl, ooh, that simply won't do. But I was accepting it because I was like, well, I mean, if that's the way they want to treat me, then I guess I accept that.

And it's like, well, no, if you loved yourself, you wouldn't accept terrible treatment. And now I think I genuinely love myself, but I'm having trouble with like, oh, can somebody else like that? Those parts about me. Oh my God, Nicole, you were the whole package. See, this I like know on some level, but then sometimes you can talk yourself out of it.

Because little Nicole is not so sure she's worthy of love because maybe her father wasn't able to, because of his own shit, he needed to see a little version of himself. Yeah. And you were you. And it's wild that your little person inside you is just like, hey, maybe you don't deserve it.

And then you're like, oh no, I guess I don't deserve it. And it's like, don't listen to little Nicole, listen to big adult Nicole. You're the adult. Yes. So, you know, it's like, I read this quote on the internet and I don't know who said it on Instagram. It wasn't like credited,

but it's so amazing and you're gonna love this. And you need to hear it. Okay. You've grown up to be someone who would protect you and defend you as a child. And that's amazing. I do like that. Because I do like little Nicole.

When I think about me as a kid, boy, boy, very funny. Very, very funny. Would I want to have parented her? No, but like I definitely would protect her with like everything. Cause truly like one of my favorite pictures of me as a child is me

in the background where you don't even notice me kind of just like frowning and then it's my sister and a bunch of other people smiling. I just don't I didn't like taking pictures when I was little so I'm like literally making a face where I'm like oh I'm not in this picture but I'm definitely in the picture and I look like I'm haunting everybody and I I was, I'll show it to you after this. I wanna see it. But whenever I look at it, I'm like, oh, I've been like this my whole life. I have been so strange and so like me my whole life

and that's nice. And I need to like, not need to, but I need to like celebrate it a little bit more. Yeah. Just be like, I'm weird and that's okay. And the person that I'm gonna end up with is gonna really like it. And I'm really grateful that I'm dating someone right now who seems to be very into it.

And you know what? The truth is, being caring for yourself takes up less space than hating yourself. And you have more room for others, I feel. It really does. My mother used to say that it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile. And anytime I've been in a bad mood where I'm like actually frowning, I'm like, wait a minute.

And then I'll start smiling. I'm like, my face feels better. Yeah. Well, as I'm aging, I really think that everybody looks good smiling, but when I'm like, I used to like, if I scowled, I felt like I looked good, but it doesn't look good anymore on my face. I don't look good scowling at all,

but I think it's because I have a very cherub-like face, so it's like, who wants to see a cherub frown? Ew, it's terrible. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Also, I saw that movie Smile Two last night, and... And what is that, her vagina kill, like, bites? That's teeth. Oh, what's smile?

I think that's called teeth. Yeah, teeth. Smile is a, it's about an entity that like gets in ya, and then after it's in ya everyone starts smiling at you and then you gotta kill yourself in front of somebody and then the entity jumps into another person is pretty creepy the first one's like real scary this one was like pretty bloody but it was just funny cuz I went home and I was like it's so funny how much I love smiling and I just saw a horror movie about smiling and then I

was smiling last night to my dog and I caught myself in the mirror and I was like, ah, and I just scared myself. I'm always having a really great time all by myself. Wait, Sarah, before we wrap up, will you tell me a little bit about your tour and what people can expect? Oh, it's called the Postmortem Tour.

It's, I'm working on my hour. And come out, go to sarahsilverman.com, which I bought for $6,000. Oh my god. Worth it. Will it be $6,000 every year to renew it? No, it's just whoever bought that domain was like, will you give me this? The person wanted 20,000 from me. And bought that domain was like,

will you give me this? The person wanted 20,000 from me. They wanted 20,000 from me. And I was like, what am I, a Rockefeller? No. I waited it out until it was like, all right, how about six? Fine, you fucking dick. Honestly, good business to like, just like look at people and be like, I think they're going to be big and then buy their by their name.

Well, that's like, who is it? Adam Curry or Mark? One of the like first MTV VJs when the internet started bought like Coca Cola or just took the domain Coca Cola dot com, McDonald's.com, all of this. And then they had to pay him? Mm hmm. Wow. I wish I had the smarts like that. I don't. I do not have a brain to make money. Me either. I have a brain to like.

I can like keep money, but like things like that. Me too. I always live under my means because I'm, all I am thinking about is old age and wanting to be able to afford a cush old agey-ness. Yes, that's what I want. I want to live somewhere nice with a nice really hot man taking care of me. But also maybe, now maybe I want to live with a partner and we just bumble around together. I want to have like a sick old age community of like comedians. That would be fun.

Where you have common areas and all this stuff, but everyone has their own little apartment too. And then there's like a round the clock nursing care. I think what you're describing is like community. And I think that's what we're lacking. Haven't you seen on the internet there's like 10 like 65 65 year old women, like buy a sick house together.

That's the way to do it. I think that's great. I love it. That's what I want. Well, we'll outlive our men. Yes, probably. And then we'll do that. Which is sad, because I do think women live longer.

Yeah, if they don't get Alzheimer's first. Oh. Because that's a woman's mostly women thing. It's a girl thing. You wouldn't understand. They're finding it's like unaddressed menopause stuff because no one's ever researched it. This is annoying. I just found out that women need more sleep than men

because they've only done sleep studies on men. So the whole eight-hour thing is for men, women need about 10 hours. I need 12 to 14 hours. I, same. Or I'm not myself. Same. On a good day.

But like, when I like the weekly, I could do like six, but then I need to catch up on the weekends. Yes. Hard. I'm just doing it wrong. Come see me.

I just realized. Come see me, sarahsilverman.com. I'm coming to a city near you. I'm just doing it wrong. Come see me. I just realized. Come see me, sarahsilverman.com. I'm coming to a city near you. I definitely am. And I need your guidance. I need you guys to show me where the good stuff is and show me where the not so good stuff is. Laugh.

Laugh. I feel like some audiences don't laugh anymore. Do you? Sometimes there's a really nice audience that suck because they're just like. Yes. Yes. It's like, I'm not on TV. Yes, I'm here in person and I need your ha ha ha. Yeah. I did a corporate gig and, um, such good money, such a terrible time. Yes, yes, yes. It really was. It was an interesting time. I don't want to say bad because it just happened and I loved it and I'd like to do more. Yes, me too.

But there was another actor who had come out on stage and he was in a boot and he walked out on stage and went, this isn't physical therapy. Not the hardest hitting joke, but we all know we're at a corporate gig. Yes. We all know that we're here instead of at our desks working. You ha ha ha at that man. Yeah. You just ha ha ha.

Just ha ha ha. at that man. Yeah. You just ha ha ha. Just ha ha ha. But stand up is different. Stand up it's like, I really do want you to tell me what's actually funny and what's actually not funny. But like sometimes I'll be looking and I'm like, oh, you're just smiling. You're all just smiling. I need an audit.

Like if it makes you smile. And then you have to kill yourself because it's smile three. I'm just like hitting myself with the microphone. Well, Sarah. We've said it all. We have. Honestly, this could have gone longer, Smile three. I'm just like hitting myself with the microphone. Well, Sarah. We've said it all. We have.

Honestly, this could have gone longer, but I will let you leave. I have enjoyed speaking with you. Thank you. I have to pack. Because you have to go on tour. That's right. To a city near you. That's right.

Sarah, I ask all of my guests this. Okay. I've only missed it a couple times. Would you date me? Yeah, 100% yes. Yay! That makes me times. Would you date me? Yeah, 100% yes. Yay, that makes me happy. Would you date me? Yes, I would.

I find you to be very sweet and endearing and very nice. Thank you, likewise. Thank you. Fun and funny. I think you're fun and funny and stunning. And you smoke and that's nice. Just one. Just one.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it and you can write it too. Why Won't You Date Me podcast at gmail.com. This says, dear Nicole, I want to butter you up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

I'm talking garlic, herbs, and my grandma's secret seasoning, baby, then I finally slide it in you'll be screaming gobble gobble gobble gobble! Guess what? I'm coming back for leftovers because baby you're a meal I'll be eating for days love you hope you have a nice Thanksgiving This sign off is maybe the best part It's really funny! Happy Thanksgiving! This sign off is maybe the best part. It's really funny. Happy Thanksgiving! Okay, bye bye!

Bye! You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then! Okay, bye-bye! That was a Headgum Podcast.