Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Wedding Ruiners (w/ Solomon Georgio)

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Stand-up comedian and #Skategang member Solomon Georgio (Shrill, Adam Ruins Everything) talks to Nicole about his recent butt surgery and how he's been adapting to his new butt. They also chat about his skincare routine, the importance of partners posing for photos, and why his mom got kicked out of his brother's wedding. Nicole reveals why she doesn't like Christmas and how she got into a fight about a Christmas tree. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh, holy night! The stars are bright! oh boy it's a special no it's not a special episode it's just a friday that fell on christmas merry christmas to you and yours this is an episode of Why Won't You Date? I don't know why I'm fucking up the name of my own podcast. I just got caught up in Christmas cheer.

Okay, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could dress up as Santa Claus, come down my chimney, steal all my stuff, leave me a lump of coal and be like, ho, ho, ho, you stupid bitch, and then toss me down the stairs. My guest today. You know him. You love him. He's got a half hour on Comedy Central.

You've seen him on Crashing. You've seen him on Adam Ruins Everything. He's written for High Fidelity, Shrill, Adam Ruins Everything, and I didn't know you wrote for SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, I did. Solomon Georgiou. Oh, and he's a member of my skate gang.

Yes. Which I think is the most important credit you could have. Well, I've only skated once. I'm a member of the message that I've read. Wait, I thought you skated once. I'm a member of the message. Yes. Wait, I thought you skated like twice. I've done it once and then I had my butt surgery.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I see. I see. Wait, can we just talk about surgery real quick? Was it hard? Was it bad? Wait, do you want to talk about it? Is that okay?

Oh, let's talk about it. I mentioned it, so I'm bringing it. Okay. I didn't know you were having butt surgery. Is it in the butt or out the butt? Look, if it's surgery, it has to be in the butt. It was in the butt. I had hemorrhoids for my whole life.

Okay. Okay. And these were the internal hemorrhoids, the struggling hemorrhoids. Yes, yes, yes. I was very excited to get it removed, but did not realize that the recovery from the surgery would also be a journey. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. It's interesting.

Things like that. You need your butt. I'm having surgery on my, well, when this airs, I will have had surgery on my ankle. when this airs i will have had surgery on my ankle and the recovery time like everywhere on the internet it's like three months solid three months and no less than three months maybe four months three months okay you're not gonna have a leg for three months yeah oh boy oh boy it's scary my butt i didn't realize they were gonna make it brand new for me you got a new butt so pretty much it's like imagine okay, okay, so yes, I have a delicate,

like it was like, they made it like back to like I was 10 years old, but I'm taking, but I'm taking 38 year old shits. So that's where the problem lies. My little tiny butthole's like, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. These shits are too big. No. Oh boy. Well, I've also been having that trouble. These shits are too big. No! Oh, boy. Well, I've also been having that trouble. So painkillers are opioids. Yes. And got to tell you,

they are cheaper than my ADD medication with insurance, which is insane. It is $10 for 45 pills. Yes. But for a 30-day supply of Vyvanse is $76 with insurance, $500 without. Insane for me to open my mail that's how much money i have to pay but if i want to you know become addicted to something ten dollars and well the great thing is i'll never prescribe it to you again you're right but listen to this

episode of the podcast you're like she shouldn't have this no you're black they won't do it oh yeah you were talking about how they didn't prescribe you any medication until my surgery and be like, she shouldn't have this. No, you're black. They won't do it. Oh, yeah. You were talking about how they didn't prescribe you any medication. Until my surgery. Which is bananas. At the hospital, they gave me 10 pills that did nothing for me. They also said they were going to inject me with something. Oh, I got morphine.

But all the morphine did was intensify the pain in my leg. And they did not believe me and i was sobbing boohooing at this hospital glendale memorial hospital boohooing about how the medicine they gave me was just making me hurt more and they were like that's not possible and i was like i know i know i know morphine's supposed to you know be better i think they were like she's lying so she gave up more and i was like my foot's on backwards what a fun lie who would do that who has the time but the only like warning on these like hydrocodone or whatever is this is an opioid could become addictive and i was like i think a little bit more just a little bit more should be just a little bit more i don't know more than

just these words okay so tell me about your butt oh it's this is i've been taking uh the adult shit's happened this week and so it's been a month okay and they're they're like okay clear we're finally cleared for coverage so this is probably the best my butt has ever been so and like i've. And I've been not able to bottom my whole life. And you know what? I'm still probably not going to do it. I love a good revelation.

You know, maybe I could, but honestly, I will not. Look, after not having anything come out of my butt for so long, why risk putting something in? I feel you on that one. Like, if it gets so easily clogged when nothing's going back inside, let's not add a two-way system to the situation. When will your butt be fully recovered?

I think it's fully recovered now and i'm happy with it i'm like this is it's not like this is probably like i don't have control over my farts anymore which is kind of a shame okay so i have to make sure i let them all out before i leave the house sure sure sure and take some gas ex because whatever muscle that control that, they scrape the shit out of that. They said, goodbye. This will be a funny joke. We take that away.

I hope they don't take anything from my ankle. I don't think they will. I really hope not. I think it's just like muscles in my body that are just retraining right now your ankles like have like a pretty solid two-part function yes uh the bend of the standing on uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh i'm excited to do physical therapy because i rehabilitated my knee by myself when i flew off a motorcycle all i did was look on the internet the internet showed me everything i needed to do and i got it done in two months like i okay so okay i did bad

i didn't do everything so you're supposed to like rest ice care easy i don't know the rice smith i don't know but like i was touring and i was like I can't cancel these gigs so the lord was like you stupid bitch tell the the airport you need a ride from gate to gate and I was like no I can do this so I was hobbling from like one end of the airport to the other end of the airport and then getting into the hotel and then being like i'm exhausted and then i'd be like well it's time for physical therapy and then i would go to the gym and do all the exercises that i was supposed to do for my for my knee and i probably could have healed faster if i wasn't walking on it yeah but you know see i would even if i have a light cough i'd be like can you give me a wheelchair to the gate i am here to be expedited by any

opportunity i can't i should have done that and then like the pre-board i finally pre-boarded once where they were like if you have uh if you need extra time because people are mean to you when you take extra time when you don't like do the pre-board or whatever but then people are mad at you when you pre-board and you don't look like you need extra time do you know what i mean because we were like oh what because she's fat and i'm like well yes because i'm fat and also my leg but also you're it's a we're we're gonna leave at the same time the seating is a sign where are you going we're going to the same place well solomon that would require logic for someone to like think before they thought about something or said something out loud. I don't know if you've been in America very long, but nobody has logic here.

It's so insane. Like there's times I understand impatience, but like when you're on a group situation where you have to wait for everybody to sit down together, you ain't gonna do nothing. You ain't gonna. nothing you ain't gonna can i just say i was on a plane a couple months ago and nobody wiped down anything i know i've said it on this podcast before but like it boggled my mind i was like i know you people don't think that the airlines are actually cleaning these planes any better than they were they're not even doing contact tracing so what makes you think they're like, they actually care about your health? Oh boy.

See, I've not been on a flight this whole time. This is like the weirdest feeling, because it used to be six to seven flights a month, and I have never been happier in my entire life. I'll tell you something. At first I was like, maybe I i could tour again maybe this isn't as bad i could do these outdoor shows or whatever but then i was like absolutely not because i would be so angry with the town and then i'd be like oh and now i perform for you fucking idiots

how do i open the show like how are you doing not well none of you believe in science like this isn't worth it i couldn't do it i couldn't yeah i was like you know i like that at the beginning of the pandemic i would actually drive to the airport to relax me because it was so quick to do it that is hilarious i just that is so funny it just felt good to drive see an empty airport and drive back home less than an hour it is oh i mean yeah when i went there was literally no traffic. I got through security, easy breezy, beautiful cover girl, super quick. It was truly, it was wild. I couldn't believe it. It was a real treat for me.

But then, you know, you get into the airport and you're like, oh, this is where everybody misbehaves. I see it. I see it now. Yes, I do. Oh, Lord. One of the last times I saw you was, no, no. I saw you roller skating. One of the last times in like a group setting was at Ackbar where we judged a learn the words, but bitch Tony Soto show in Ackbar and Silver Lake.

And you looked so fucking beautiful. Are you like dabbling in the drag art? I am dabbling in the drag arts, but not in the drag performance arts. Oh, okay. I cannot walk in heels for more than 10 seconds because it is, I'm already 10 feet tall. Ain't no need. Like I'm a lumber, like it's like the tree will fall eventually. And I'm not, and I'm not and i'm not gonna fall gracefully i fall

in i have multiple points of gravity so i'll fall in pieces and and it's yeah i feel like it's just one thing like i like doing the makeup i like being at home i like getting dolled up but you're good at it your makeup skills are getting real fucking fierce. It's fun. It is so relaxing. Especially like when I was recovering from my butt hurting, like to like take the focus away from the butt. I was like, put on the brows. Try the brows on.

Just focus on the brows, girls. I miss doing my makeup, but so this sounds insane. So I, I had my shower redone because there was a giant leak so okay you learn weird shit when you own a house so my shower pan had a crack in it so it wasn't so a shower pan is a thing that's underneath your shower that captures water and it leads it to a drain so

there's a crack in the pan so it wasn't all going down the drain it was like spilling over into other parts of the house namely namely my like eating area. And I was like, I think I need the shower pan replaced. And my first contractor was like, great, we'll go under the shower pan, pull it out like that. And I was like, I don't think so. There's a whole shower on top of that. I think you need to go above.

And he was like, nah. So then I got a different contractor and the different contractor was like, you are right. I don't know. Like, you know, a little bit. And I was like, well, i did the slightest amount of research so i was staying downstairs in my um like office and my office like guest bedroom and i had all my makeup down there my shower got finished so i moved all my makeup upstairs back to my room now i broke my fucking ankle and i'm like now my my is all away from me and I don't

feel like bringing it back downstairs so I miss doing my makeup you can just get somebody to track it down for you here's the thing I ask the John Milhiser and the nice man who lives with me I've asked them to do so much already

I feel so strange being like do this like I've I was a farmer for a bit and. Nicole, as a black woman, you'll never, you can never ask too much from white people. The list is endless. Get them up there. Well, I keep asking to not have a tree in my house. And you better believe every year there's a tree in my house. You don't want a Christmas tree?

No, I don't like Christmas. I think it's like a false time of the year where everyone has cheer and they're nice. And then it's like, oh, for just this time of the year. And then January hits and you're a fucking asshole. Get real. No, thank you. Be nice all like have Christmas cheer cheer all year long like john lost his favorite pair of wayfarer like ray-bans and he was bitching about it for the longest time

so i just bought them for him on a random day and that was a nice day i didn't wait till christmas or his birthday i just did something nice from the kindness of my heart also on the glasses i had them engraved to say don't lose these glasses because to me that was funny i think that's enough to get him to go upstairs to get your makeup all right fair fair well i also need him to like water my plants it's a whole thing i think my plants are gonna die and I'll have to become another, a different farmer next year. I love Christmas though. Do you? I was born on Christmas day.

So. So yeah, I guess you have to love it. You had, so it's one of those, like I either beat them or join them kind of situations for me. And I was like, you know what? I have to deal with this. I have no choice. I will, I will happily choice. I will happily...

I also do believe in being kind all year, though. Yes. I believe Christmas feeling, but I think, yeah, I love it too much, and I love decorating, and I also love Christmas music. Do you? With my whole heart, I love it.

Okay, well, have you seen, I think it's called On the Christmas Square, Dolly Parton's Christmas extravaganza? Not yet, I've heard. Okay. Well, have you seen, I think it's called On the Christmas Square, Dolly Parton's Christmas. Not yet. I've heard. It's wild. I didn't hate it, but I will say

fully fucking wild. I'm very excited to watch it because it looks like just camp pageantry. It is camp pageantry at its best. Whoever choreographed it said, these dancers,

they'll never stop dancing. They're going to dance this whole movie. Very little dialogue. We're going to sing a lot. Jennifer Lewis, don't really, we're not going to direct you. We're going to let you do whatever you want. Christine Baranski, I don't know.

You also do whatever you want. Dolly will green screen you in. You never have to speak to another soul. It was fucking wild. I love it when anyone, especially the older generations, are like, you're getting free range on Netflix. And they just have a time.

They have a very nice time. So wait, you and Jesus have the same birthday, right? Or no, Jesus rose again? No, that's Easter. He was born on Christmas, right? Yeah, in a manger or whatever. Technically, it's his birthday, yeah. Who's better, Solomon or Jesus? I think Solomon.

Well, there's undeniable proof that I am black, which is already one point for me. I mean, Jesus had to be black. Wasn't he like born in the Middle East? Where was he born? He's either brown or black, most likely black. And it's just the erasure of black people in that area goes back a long time ago.

Colorism is old as hell. It's interesting. I want to know who the white person was who was like, white people are pretty. And then he was like, spread the word. And everyone's like, oh, OK, cool. It was Michelangelo. Michelangelo,elangelo the famous like initially like what jesus is based off of in every painting it's his hot cousin really so

he's like this is my hot cousin and i'm gonna make him jesus so we're literally yeah it is what we're doing that's wild that's truly everything is so bonkers. I can't, that's so funny. Yeah, that's why everybody's like, should I be attracted to Jesus? Yes, every way possible, you should be attracted to that painting of Jesus because that's exactly what the original guy wants you to feel. That's so funny.

Imagine being commissioned to paint somebody that's like revered and you're like, I'm not gonna do him. I'm gonna do my hot relative. And then that becomes like the most famous thing yeah you know white people

no offense kind of fail up that's funny like he didn't do the job he did a different job and then got credit for doing the other job

well I don't think there was I think it was sort of like the situation was like no one really painted Jesus or like there wasn't many because it's kind of like an old rule of not painting idols. You know, like how the Bible says.

Not to praise God. Oh, does it say it? Idol worship is against rules. So it's like any like, like rosaries and anything like that or the crucifix, like all these things that we do is technically not a thing you're supposed to be doing. You know, the bible is confusing because we do a lot of things in the bible that's like please don't and then some of the stuff in the bible we're like this is what will hold up and it's like what no see there's multiple things in the bible that says don't do over and over and over again and then every once in a while it

says not to do something and that's the shit that we hold on to. Yes. When it's like, don't lie. Don't steal. Don't have, don't cheat on, cheat on your spouse. Also, but their main thing is like,

you know what? Gay sex. There was that one time they mentioned it for a sentence. That's bad. We hate this. And it's like, gay sex didn't hurt nobody except your booty hole

if it's too tight. And that, friends, was called a callback. A wraparound. Return to form. Wraparound. A little loop-de-loo right back to the top. So, Solomon, are you... you wait first let's take a break we're back uh merry christmas so solomon and happy birthday so are you in a relationship or not in a relationship i am not in a relationship okay

are you on the apps i am on the apps but i'm not fully dedicated to the apps sure yeah i also am on the apps currently not dedicated whatsoever. So I had a dating coach helping me for a little bit. We were not having any luck on any of the apps and I, you know, broke my leg or whatever. So then I emailed her and I was like, I just don't think it's the time for me. I don't think it's, I don't think I'm gonna be like FaceTiming these dudes. It's a lot of sleeping, a lot of like trying to figure out how to reschedule some stuff. I don't think I'm going to be FaceTiming these dudes. It's a lot of sleeping, a lot of trying to figure out how to reschedule some stuff. I don't think I'm in it to win it. And she was like, I think that's smart.

We all have to know when it's our season to be dating. And I was like, okay. So, yeah. So I'm still on the apps, and I'll open them, you know, every little time before bed. But, like, I'm not searching. So you're not searching either? Like, if I match with somebody, I'll have a casual conversation.

And I'm sort of talking to somebody right now, but nothing is dedicated. No time is lost. It's just me. And I'm used to, I've been single most of my life, so this is par for form for me. I too have been single for all of my days. The whole life.

My whole life I've been by myself. What if you were born dating somebody? That would be. I feel like some people are some people come into this world and they're like oh yeah i had like a relationship in kindergarten or relationship all through elementary school middle school i'm just like how how and then i have friends who just jump from relationship to relationship and i'm like do you have a fear of being alone or are you just like that like is your pussy that good?

Like, how are you doing this? It could be both. But it's probably fear of being alone. Because sometimes that dick isn't worth that. That dick is not worth it. A lot of times the dick ain't worth it. Like, if you're going to swing from dick to dick, make sure that next dick is worth catching, you know? Yes, if you're Tarzan-ing from dick to dick, you got that next dick is worth catching, you know? Yes, if you're Tarzan-ing from dick to dick,

you gotta make sure that the rope is thick. Who's this weird David Attenborough character that you keep? It is a very strange voice that I've been deciding to use, but I think it's just simply because i'm losing my mind slowly because we've been in this fucking predicament for like we're headed towards like a year of being in this like weird covid lockdown shit yeah and i'm i'm going crazy i'm going a little stir crazy i'm thriving because i showed up crazy and that's i mean let's get real i showed up fully insane but now i get to do insane things and be like i'm losing my mind we need to get

outside like i i bought a sexy hamburger costume not because of covid because i wanted a sexy hamburger costume but when i posted it i put it on over all my clothes i was just like i'm losing my mind and it's like no it's just a cute little caption i wanted the sexy hamburger like i yeah i've used covet as an excuse for a few of the crazy things i've done which is like i would have done this with or without i just know i now have permission to tell everybody about it. Oh, so when was your last relationship? Wait, how many relationships have you been in? You said. Well, just one.

Just one? Like one legitimate one. I've dated a bunch, but like one. Mm hmm. One actual relationship. How long did that last? It was like a little over like a year and a half, a little longer. half a little longer oh that's like a nice solid time yeah that's a whole you get to know a whole person by then yeah i always wonder what that's like because i've only dated people i've truly never so i had like an on and off thing for like two years but that wasn't real because he was manipulative and

would say like he loved me and like he definitely didn't and then would like scream at me it was a good time um but like everyone i've dated has it's only been like two three months and in that two three months it's like what i thought you were wait no oh ah so a year and a half that to me is that it doesn't sound like a long time but it seems like a very long time it's um it's all those feelings but they just happen in a loop over and over and over again with the same person did you guys meet in person or on is the apps i believe it was on the app he was very like he's very very sweet and very nice but i i was his first relationship as well he was also freshly out and it was uh there's a lot of uh not communicating

with other with each other properly because he didn't want to take photos and post them up top and that obviously I'm a person of notoriety and fame and beauty that I like to share glimpses into my life for the people to consume. Sure. I think about this a lot. Probably like more than one should. But I'm like, when I finally get this a lot, probably like more than one should, but I'm like,

when I finally get into a relationship, which is going to happen in 2021, baby, because I said it last year, I said 2020 was going to be my year. I said it for multiple months because I did not like 2019, but you guys, I maintain that 2020 was an okay year minus some things.

2020 was an okay year minus some things. You just have to do some little arithmetic and subtract some shit from the year. And it's a pretty good year, you know? Honestly, I think we should lie and say 2020 is a good year. So 2021 doesn't get any ideas. Truly. I mean, it can't get worse than this. Don't say that. You're challenging. You're you're challenging you're right i'm challenging it but listen i do okay for me personally 2020 was not terrible

specifically because like work was pretty okay i have to agree with you there i didn't like things figured out how to film and it was okay that being said i fully respect that people have had some of the worst like times of their life and i i empathize but i do challenge you to pick some something out of your life that was good this year yeah you know just in like you know celebrate that but i do think 2021 is gonna be good when i get my partner in 2021 because that's what's gonna happen i love it so much it's gonna happen that happened in march i'm claiming him march okay but i'm like do i take pictures with them or not i think i'm just gonna show the back of their head a lot and just like make people guess you are like that's i understand where you're feeling but i'm i'm a hundred percent

like we're gonna take a picture together and you better live up to what I can do on the camera. I love you saying that because some of these people might be introduced to you for the first time. Solomon has such beautiful skin. He is stunning. So when he's saying that,

it might be a joke, but also it's not a joke because your skin is so beautiful i've uh obsessively have been taking care of it during pandemic because i dropped that skincare routine it's got 20 steps to it does it really no it's uh it's pretty simple uh i do add random stuff I know the shit that works is vitamin C and sunscreen every day. And then I use a retinoid at night four to five times a week and that's it. What's that word? Retinoid? Retinol or retinoid?

Both of them. Who's that? They're both like retinoid. They're both serums you can get. And they're just like, like when you first get them, they'll do make your skin purge a little. So you get like little bumps of acne here and there but it's silky soft after that okay so i do a thing where the only thing so it's called bio oil and that's the only oil that doesn't make

me break out immediately i didn't know that your skin was like purging things and that was like a good it could be yeah so you can be purgingging, but also you can also be breaking out. That's why you have to wait. And the purging period can take about two months, I think. But like if it hurts, then that's definitely acne. Like if it's like purging is usually like little tiny pimples

that don't really bother you too much. Oh, okay. Good to know. This is very good to keep in my little pocket because I freak out. I'll be like, oh no, it's making me break out. If it's making you break out and you can actually feel like that's the kind of shit you're like, okay, I should

back away though. I also have been breaking out less since I stopped eating meat which has been so sad for me. Dairy is mine. Like, dairy is definitely my enemy and I constantly revisit, but I know I don't belong there. It's never been

sweet to me. It's never been nice to me. It's never been nice to me. It's given me hemorrhoids multiple times. Really? It's not for me. It's never meant for any of us. But here I am. You're right. Eating cheese on a Tuesday.

Because we're only supposed to drink our mummy's milk until we're, I don't know, sturdy enough to not have it. It's, yeah. We can do whatever we want, but honestly, but we were tricked into believing it's something that we needed all day. Yeah, apparently the food pyramid is like a whole scam. It is. I actually literally just talked about this recently too.

Really? So, okay. The bottom is like where you're supposed to have the most and it's like bread. And it's like, we're not supposed to have a ton of bread. And then the next one is like fruits and vegetables. And then the next one is like milk. And the top is nuts.

And it's like, I think fruits and vegetables is just like an afterthought. Like, Hey, yes. Corner to corner, have some fruits and vegetables. The thing that you need to thrive and live continuously every day.

It is kind of crazy that like growing up nobody's ever like hey guys fruits and vegetables they're the spice of life you gotta eat them the most yeah they're there you can get everything from them that you can get from every other group but we're so like um i'm good and also you can make some like real fucking delicious dishes with just vegetables i get a little kit from uh what is it called purple carrots like a little vegan kit i'm not sponsored by them at all but they send the most glorious things to eat it's delightful i'm like to this day like brussels sprouts had such a bad like it was bad mouth so hard as children.

I never ate a Brussels sprout. None of us ate Brussels sprouts. Me either. But we're all just shit talking Brussels sprouts every chance we could get. They are delicious. They are so good. They are so good. If you just lightly drizzle some olive oil, put them in the oven, crisp them bitches up.

They're so fucking tasty. They are the best thing. Like you can come you can add some honey and some bacon you live in a life you can back it like there's like you can shave them and make a really good salad like it is oh see that i've never done oh shave brussels sprouts in a salad are really that's my preference because i don't like oh i don't like kale or regular lettuce i think they're you don't like like kale? Kale is fancy lettuce. It's got its own little ripples.

It is a mouth journey. It is... It is aggressive. It is... It's like kale I will eat sauteed or crisped, but you bring that... Bring me kale raw,

I'm gonna kick it off the table like a child. I'm not... Solomon! It's exhausting. Salads are exhausting, so I'm going to kick it off the table like a child. I'm not. Solomon. It's exhausting. Salads are exhausting. So I'm very selective. I ate a salad last night.

And by last night, I mean a day in November when we recorded. There's no guarantees from this point on. Yep. Anything you're hearing is from an alternate timeline. But I ordered it from Chop Stop in Glendale. And I got into a fight with my roommate over a Christmas tree. And instead of asking him to get me a fork because it's hard to move, I ate the whole salad chopped up with my fingies.

So when you say salads are a journey bitch this was a journey you try to eat a salad that's been chopped up tiny as can be with your little finger it was so hard i've i've um i've been there before and i'm not a big fan i'm look i feel for me and salads if there's nobody else there to see me eat it, then there's no point in me eating it. If I'm not going to get the reward of people acknowledging that I finally made the effort to eat a salad, no, I'm not going to eat a salad. Yeah, I just, well, I was like trying to be a little healthy. I don't know.

I just been eating garbage and then Thanksgiving happened and I just ate a bunch of shit for Thanksgiving. See, I love eating healthy, but I love like, I'll do a crudite. Who's that? Crudite is just chopped vegetables spread out.

Oh. And you dip it. Whenever you see a bunch of veggies with a branch in the middle. That's called a crudite? Yes, it is. Veggies with a branch in the middle is called a crudite?

Yes, indeed. Sounds like a scam to call called a crudite? Yes, indeed. Sounds like a scam to call it a crudite. Look, that's the original meaning. A crudite, a charcuterie. One's with meat and cheese, the other one's with vegetables and a dip.

Oh, yes. I know what a charcuterie board is because I follow this lady on TikTok. I think her name is like decadence and she talks like this. She goes, ooh this with the honey and oh look who did it do you know what i'm talking about i know who you're talking about i

love her so much i i she's uh she's usually like cooks vegetarian vegan right no so she doesn't cook she puts it side she puts what other people make side by side with her usually she's in like a work uniform oh my god and she talks like this yes yes oh it bubbles to the top and that's what you get oh you deserve it you're beautiful i know you love her so much i've really just been getting into a lot of instagram and tiktok content being like this is funny i love this so much i don't watch anything on tv anymore i watch a lot of tv still uh none of it's very good uh what have you been watching i'm looking for something new i watch a lot of anime and it is kind of disturbing i like uh sailor moon

but not the correct version i like the american American version where you learn a lesson at the end and Luna's English and they call Usagi Serena. Yes. The whitewashed version is the one I love. That's what I originally started on as well. There was also, for the hottest second, a Sailor Moon series that didn't last more than a couple episodes. Wait, what?

Like a live-action American series. I think there's only one episode. Oh, see, I've only seen the live-action, I think it's a Japanese version? I think that's, no, there is definitely an American one. There's a Japanese one, too. I watched that, and it was truly so wild. The way it did not translate to real people.

It was like, huh, I guess flying in the air and changing outfits through magic is not something you can do on a low budget. No, no, you truly cannot do it on a low budget. And then Tuxedo Mask just seems like a real fucking creep. Because he is, just animated-wise. Animation scales down creepiness of people, when in general...

It sure does. They're full creeps but i also like when he calls serena or usagi uh right is that her name usagi usagi yes i think it means bunny i'm trying to remember ah well i love when he calls her meatball head and then in the american version where he calls her usagi he does not call her a meatball head that's and that really bums me out yeah no i watched the one in because i was a a 90s one so I watched it on TV all the time. Yep, that's what I watched that and VR Troopers.

VR, VR. That's like Power Rangers. I remember that. Yes, it was like a low rent, low budget Power Rangers. And then there was another one where it was just one guy who turned into a mantis or something.

A mantis? I can't remember what it was called. But VR Troopers, I loved. And I'm trying to remember, there's so many live action, terrible shows of that era. I love, my favorite thing is when an explosion would happen,

this delayed response to it. Yes. It's like, so you tell me these actors, every single single time did not know exactly when to jump uh-huh perfect yeah for some reason it was like why couldn't we get better editors and better directors in these shows and like what was happening what was going on well i also my favorite part is like the part that was filmed in america and there was a part that was filmed in japan and when and you can tell based on quality. You absolutely can tell

what was shot where. All of the monster stuff is like Japanese b-roll. And then like, oh, look at these wonderful, live, beautiful white people. Also, I've been decorating my house because I've been

home so much and Instagram keeps serving me shops that are in the UK. So then the shipping is so much higher. And then they don't ship everything to me. What? I found this fabulous flamingo lamp. You better believe it's six feet tall. Okay.

And a palm tree lamp, also six feet tall. And they won't ship it to me because they're like sorry we just don't ship like things fragile things like that to america why because they don't know how to package anything because i bought this ceramic uh alligator that's it's a ceramic alligator that looks like wicker but it broke its little tail broke because they didn't package it well like what are they doing over in england i don't know they don't care about the customer in england these are not packaging well but then my lemon vase my vase with a bunch of lemons on it yes uh like it's 3d lemons it looks like titties but then when you look close you're like oh it's definitely lemons

they shipped that okay so i guess they were like, oh, it's definitely lemons. They shipped that okay. So I guess they were like, it depends on who's back there packaging stuff. So we can't guarantee you anything. I feel like that you not mentioned a single thing you might not be able to get in America. You know, I couldn't find. Okay, so I found those things on the English website, but then I would try to Google it for America, and I couldn't find it in America. Because you're trying to find it online.

These tacky places don't have websites. Oh, Solomon, I really think you just broke something in me. I got to go out in the world and find my tacky flamingo lamp. You gotta find yourself an eccentric dealer of wares and I'm assuming they're out there. Pensacola, Florida if you're listening.

Yeah, yeah. Pensacola, Florida. Anything in fucking Florida is so fucking tacky. No offense if you're from Florida. You live in a trash state. My best friend lives there but i really want him to get out also i can't i'm not surprised that i would be i would be pressed that no one listens to this podcast has the ability to make such wares well here's the thing so i have been searching and looking for a new case to my cell phone and people have offered their services

to do that. And how do I say this delicately without hurting a feeling of someone who might be listening, who offered those services, they have not been anything I would like to own. There we go. That was the nicest way I can phrase that. I love how you were.

Very sweet. Oh, man, I wish I... I'm very happy I don't have to be considerate of other people's feelings. Because I would have hopped onto this podcast and be like, y'all sent me some trash asses. And I don't want your shit in my house.

Here's the thing. People try very hard. And I don't want you to stop trying just because you're bad at it. Like, I'm not a good pole dancer. I'm not good at it. I'm not a good roller skater. But there are two things I love dearly. I'm not going to stop because, like, I'm bad at it.

But I'm not hiring you to roller skate now, am I? Yeah, you're right yeah these people made me shitty ass cell phone cases i didn't fucking want them so that's why i don't ask people for things i want because they're not good at it but we love you so much for trying and that's what matters i love you very very much trying and one that's what matters. Yes, we love you very, very much. Never stop trying. And one day you might make something that Nicole might like. But honestly, you probably won't. Look, quit chasing your dream because your dream might have a restraining order against you. Like people keep sending me their treats to judge.

And I'm like, pay me some money and I'll do that. You got to pay me. It's my job. I'm not doing it for free. Are you kidding? I'd never fully like that. But people ask me for stuff that i'm like i'm never like i'm like i think i i'm very i got it that i learned less when i was a dj a long time ago in a past life wait you were a dj dj homo negro that is what i wait dj homo negro yes Negro? Yes. Solomon, that's really funny.

Thank you. It really got me. Okay. But the people would come up to you and request, like, the amount of times people would come up to the booth to ask for a song, and would just and eventually i think a month in i was like give me money like that's funny if you're gonna treat me like a jukebox pay me like a jukebox did people pay you yeah i would make like 100 150 bucks a night how much would you charge per song it depends like if because people would ask for like a lady gaga song right after i played lady gaga and i'm like mama i'm not gonna play lady gaga unless there's 20 bucks in my hand It depends. Like if, cause people would ask for like a Lady Gaga song right after I played Lady Gaga.

And I'm like, mama, I'm not gonna play Lady Gaga unless there's 20 bucks in my hand. That's honestly, what a low key fucking flex. What a nice little scam. Do you know Lacey? You know,

I just, I just did her podcast. Did you talk about that on the podcast? Cause that is a scam, honey. I talk about so many other scams. I believe in doing people dirty every way you possibly can, and you can get away with it.

Solomon! Solomon! Honestly, doing merch is kind of a scam. When I was slinging my merch, I would get these pins made for $2 and sell them for $5. That's a scam? I mean, I guess retail is a scam. Retail is all a scam.

And that's actually a low markup for retail. Oh, shit. I did it bad? Yeah. Your phone cost $1.50 to make. How much did you pay for it? It was like $500 fucking dollars. cost $1.50 to make.

How much did you pay for it? It was like $500 fucking dollars. So before you ever feel bad about markups, we've never even gotten close to a scary markup that retail does. Oh, you're right. You're right. I also gave them away for free when people were like,

I don't really have money. I'm like, then just take it. See? I already made a little bit of money. That's why I'm happy you're not a drug dealer you'd lose oh my god i would be the worst drug dealer like well if you need this crack rock i guess you should just take it oh you got you drove all the way here so yeah so just you know whatever you know hit me back Just an IOU. I O U. One crack rock.

One, one crack rock. I O U. Okay. I wrote it down in my little I O U book. And they're like, Nicole, do you have any money?

And I'm like, no, just a lot of I O U's hugs and kisses. Oh, but then, you know, sometimes you do a job and they don't pay you and you get on them to pay you. And then you have to go, I'll threaten to talk about it publicly if you don't fucking pay me. Luckily, I've been very good in situations as of the last couple of years, but there's been a few times where I'm like, my money should be with me at all times.

Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting when people don't want to pay you for services rendered. The lack of urgency. Yes. Yes. That is a curious thing.

When a huge corporation goes, oh, we'll pay you when we pay you. And it's like, you have lots of money. You don't have to worry about it. And then it's like, just pay me. Don't even worry about my fucking finances. Just run me my fucking money. That's why I'm always down for taking down the man in every way possible.

Any chance you can get. Let's always take down the man. Speaking of men, let's talk about your mom. That was a terrible segue. One of the worst segues I've ever done. I just didn't want to run out of time and not talk about your mother. You want to talk about the strongest man that I

know, my mom? Yeah. She's so fucking funny. What's the story about your mom? So is the one where she kills the cow, is that in your special? I do that in my album. I talk about the... Okay, so buy Solomon's album if you want to hear that story.

The wedding, is that anywhere? The wedding is not, unless you hear that story uh the wedding is that anywhere the wedding is not like unless you're in Canada uh the wedding is not a tell I've told anywhere but I'm happy to tell either one but like the wedding situation okay uh it brings me such joy like even the setup of it like the last time I heard it we did this outdoor show together I don't think you heard me but I was like giggling at the setup because i've heard it before and i was like i was so excited i she's not the good guy in the situation but i'll tell the story and there's even an update for this one as well oh what a treat i am so my mom well my brother got married uh and i was not

invited to the wedding, which is like, I think, which is refined, which is totally cool. Wait, are you on good terms with this brother or no? Oh,

I'm literally great terms. I'm the godson. I'm the godfather to his baby. So why weren't you invited? He just really, he was like, he thought I was,

because it was like last minute, he thought I would be too busy, but it's like, I would have taken a break from my schedule for you and your marriage. But I also do give off the I will not show up to your emergency wedding vibe. Okay. So I can understand why people have the mindset, oh, he won't show up. Because I've not shown up.

Fair. But yeah, so before he got married, his wife is Muslim. He converted. My parents, him and my mom got, because she's like, my parents, my family's like Ethiopian Orthodox, old relic Christians. Like we speak the original Bible language, kind of creepy Christianity. And they got in a big ass fight. They argued.

My brother thought it was squash at the moment. Fast forward, day of the wedding, last minute, at a mosque. No one tells my it was squash at the moment fast forward day of the wedding last minute at a mosque no one tells my mother it's at the mosque until of course she arrives at said mosque and she really popped off uh because she used to be chill but she's been on one since she's been drinking like she's been drinking mosc and watching Maury Povich during the day starting two years ago. And it's been a wild ride ever since that day. And so she's literally shit-talking everyone at the wedding and just being really pissy. And they're like, all right, we're going to start the ceremony.

She's going to sit down, be chill about it. And they start the wedding. She's going to sit down, be chill about it. And they start the wedding. She sits down. And then right up top, they're like, okay, parents of bride and groom, stand next to your child. My brother's wife, her dad, good man, so sweet, does his duty, goes to stand next to his daughter like a normal human being. My mother, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She's like, thinks about it, goes, no. She picks up her chair. Turns to face the opposite direction of the wedding and sits back down. And obviously, you know, that's a pretty awkward situation to be in. But my brother's like, OK, whatever. We're going to push through this. Then they get to the final vows. She's not turning around the whole time. But they're like, all right, final vows.

Final vows are in Arabic. My mom speaks Arabic. So right in the middle, their final fucking vows. She finally gets up, turns to face her son's wedding, and goes, in Arabic, in a mosque, your God is not real. There's only one real God. And obviously my other brother who was at the wedding,

like is the one that takes her out of the wedding immediately and puts her in Uber while she's screaming. It's a Christian nation over and over again. I love her. She's so funny. And that's, that was like, she like,

she got kicked out of her own society. I, okay, here's why I love her. Anybody who feels that strongly in their convictions to disrupt a ceremony because of what they feel is very, they're funny to me. That's a very funny trait.

Here's the thing, we didn't even know this about her. She expressed no time in her life to have any disregard for anyone being, and also my brother is the only one that's religious of her children. The rest of us are atheists and would spit in a church before

we go into one. She's very funny. Okay, also maybe saying the only God is not the kindest thing and I'm not advocating for that. What I'm advocating for is bad behavior. That's what I like.

Oh yeah, no, she, like, but also I think we knew it as a rule that if we don't let her know something ahead of time and expect her to be quiet about it that was not going to happen that has never happened once in our life if we don't give her the warning and handle the argument after from it the argument will go into the place it doesn't matter if it's a costco it doesn't matter if it's a field trip if you do not finish telling her what she needs to know she will show up she's perfect i love her so much that's so fucking funny she went really wild recently uh so my brother has a baby they're

married now and they had child. Child is born. Birth exists in this world. Child is named. My mother hears the name and goes, no. I think that's a dumb name. Refused to call her grandson by his name for nine months. She's incredible. Oh, my God.

And this part is going to get you. My brother named his son after himself. The name she's mad at is a name is a name she picked 34 years oh my god solomon you're so lucky that this woman's your mother she is so funny that is hilarious literally like they had to sit her down and be like, it is insult like months of this. And they finally were like, you have to not call him by a name that you don't that you'd rather call him. Wait, she was calling this baby just a different name that she picked out. She's like a different name. So she's like, oh, and the wildest part was she's like, she told my brother, he's like, oh, that's OK.

They'll give him a different name when they baptize him and my brother's like i'm must she's honestly she's perfection i i'll tell you that she is wow i love her so much she is both the smartest and wildest person i know and it is it is truly, I would have zero conviction. I would have no confidence without her. Where does she live? She's in Seattle. She lives alone right now. So she's probably wilding out at the TV at the moment.

Also, what a chill place, Seattle. And then she's like, oh, I'll bring it yeah i'll bring all of the entertainment from seattle but she will like she is living the best her best version of like she's her husband left she's by herself you couldn't tell her nothing she doesn't need a man ever again i love it i wish i was there at that point in time in my life, but I'm not. I want to get deep dicked on the regular so badly, but like for now I can't, like, I don't know how I fuck with this fucking,

well, right now it's wrapped up. I don't know how, how I do it. So for now I'm okay being alone. And that's, that's my journey for now. And I think one day I hope the two us, that we can just be okay being spinsters,

interrupting our children's weddings. Or just weddings in general. Yeah, we just go to random weddings and we're like, no, excuse me. We'll bring a new meaning to wedding crashers. Wedding ruiners. Yes, Nicole and Solomon, wedding crashers wedding ruiners yes wedding ruiners solomon what do you want for your birthday and for christmas this year you know i never actually want anything i'm just happy to get

another year in this world oh my god that was a fucking nasty ass answer no i give myself whatever i want whatever i wanted so i'm fine. Fair, fair, fair, fair. I, what do I want this year? I mean, mine is going to probably be hippie dippy too. Like I just want people to get the fuck along and stop screaming at each other in Costco and like believe in science and,

and like realize when they have privilege and when they don't and like understand the world. See, that's why I just, mine, mine, mine was bullshit, but at least it's realistic yes mine is surely not realistic i asked our friend kim kim new money who did the pictures in my book i was like what do you want for your birthday because we were in palm springs for her birthday and she was like i want for racism to go away and we all laughed real hard and then she was like,

but that's what I earnestly want. We were like, yeah, you stupid bitch. It's not going anywhere. Oh, I love, I love it when somebody is just sincere when you know,

sorry, it can't be. Yeah. It's not going to happen this year and probably not next year. Racism. Honestly, racism is the new black. It's here to stay.

It just keeps reinventing itself. You know, racism's the new black. It's here to stay. It just keeps reinventing itself, you know? It's also the same, too. It's the same and new at the same time. It is so funny when people figure out new ways to be racist. My favorite TikTok I've seen in a while was a lady who was like, there was the Equality Act of 1964 or whatever. That ended racism. So that means racism's illegal.

So that means there is no racism. And I think she was fully serious about it. And I was like, to be this stupid, like, it must feel good. Look, I think the one that I'm enjoying now is when they look at you and call you the racist. And I'm like, yes! Oh, they love doing that to you on Twitter.

Oh, that's my favorite. It's like, this is the closest I'll get to white privilege, getting credit for something I never did at all. I love it. Solomon, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, wait. Oh, shit. I didn't ask you if you would date me. I also did not ask my last guest.

Oh shit. I didn't ask you if you would date me. I also did not ask my last guest. Wow. You know, this is getting harder and harder to, cause in person, I'll like have people go through like my phone and stuff and look at my profile,

but it just, I'm not going to screenshot it to do it beforehand. And then showing you on a screen is stupid. So I keep forgetting to do shit. Solomon, I asked almost all my guests this, but would you date me? You know,

I think, yeah. Oh, I think if it's like, if you were talking, if you want to have a non-sexual relationship, we would be a wonderful married couple going around to weddings and ruin.

Yeah, I agree. I would have a blast. It would make me so happy. Look, I just, I i feel i think relationship wise i think you can date people and not have like like nothing's like i love taking my friends out to dinner i love like i think that's what those i qualify that as dating me if you're my friend you're you're gonna that's because uh you don't get anything of me other than seeing my penis which i don't think is that remarkable anyway.

So don't say that. Look, it's had a journey. It's seen too much. It should have been retired years ago. All right. Fair. Fair. I'll take your word for it.

People keep telling me men don't. They tell you what they want you to know. And they're not liars when they talk about things like that. I'm butchering the quote, but that's about right. No, it's no, it's pretty amazing, but I don't want to talk about it too much. All right, Solomon, do you have anything you want to promote? I'm just I'm just Solomon Georgiou across the board in every platform. I really got not much to promote unless you like watching TV, in which case watch everything with me associated with it.

Tell them what you're on. Tell them things you've been in. I haven't been in anything in a moment, but I'm writing right now for HBO's love life for the next season. And I've also written for the next season of shrill. So please watch those because I love those things very much. Did you write a part for me on any of them? Look,

I have no ability to do that, but I can pitch you over and over again in the room, which I do. What a rude thing to ask a friend. It's the correct thing to ask. you have to understand you are probably there's a group of people who i come out of my mouth multiple times in a writer's room for like a character description and you are one of them solomon honestly getting out of bed this morning was hard but that statement just made it worth it well I'm glad you got up for me honestly Solomon

this was a blast thank you so much for doing this I appreciate it and if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like it you can subscribe you can rate it five stars on Apple podcast I called it iTunes for the last two years and and apparently they rebranded two years ago.

But if you write me something like that, yeah, now it's like Apple Podcasts. I don't know. And then there's Spotify, which I don't understand how to use Spotify. Anywho, if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it out loud. This person said,

Nicole, I want to stuff you like a build-a-bear then slurp my load out of you with a swirly spoon and spit it on your face you know i don't really like having things spit on my face this is another one this is a thanksgiving one woo buyer you're a fucking legend i'd slurp up that pussy like a plate full of gravy yes yes a plate full of gravy you know white people eat differently so you know maybe they're not putting it in like gravy boats or bubbles or nothing like that i'll just scrape it off the place that's it bye Something like that. Oh, just scraping it off the place? I'm good for now.

That's it. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Cocoa production.