Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We're living in the wildest times (w/ Jason Concepcion)

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Jason Concepcion (host of Takeline, Binge Mode) joins Nicole to discuss the culture shock he experienced visiting the Philippines during a coup, how the pandemic revealed America's systemic failures, their favorite small businesses to support, and the WNBA. As America opens back up, Nicole's back in the dating game but it's not going so well. Are dating apps operating fake profiles to keep you engaged? Plus, Nicole runs into an old fling and things got weird. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh, baby, it's another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if we started dating and I said, I want a snow leopard dress and you came on a bunch of my black items and went, look, there's white dots.

I would still date you. My guest today was a staff writer. Some people are like, what is Snow Leopard? It's just white leopard print. Okay, my guest today was a staff writer for The Ringer, where he created and hosted the Emmy Award winning series, NBA Desktop. He hosted the hip hop culture podcast, Binge Mode. And now he's at Crooked Media, where he hosts TalkLine, an NBA podcast,

along with former WNBA star Renee Montgomery. It's Jason Consumption. Hello! Did I do it right? Did I say your last name right? You did, but it's TakeLine, not TalkLine. What? But it's so, yeah.

Did they spell it wrong in the thing? It is. No, no, no. It's not spelled wrong in my notes. It is TakeLine. Here's the thing. Reading is really hard. I know.

Okay. Sometimes you wake up and your eyes, your brain and your mouth say, you stupid bitch, we're not going to work today. It's going to be hard all day. Well, it is daylight daylight savings what is it they returned it's no longer daylight savings today for those of who want some context in terms of when this was recorded yeah we lost an hour of sleep everyone we did we lost an hour because of fucking farmers come on uh that's what i hear that we spring forward and we spring back because of farmers yeah what are we doing like i think the farmers are chill now like i think they're okay yeah i don't think they need this there they go

don't they go by the sun what do they care about the actual time you know it's like the sun comes up and the rooster crows and you get to work yeah is that not it i feel like that's it but maybe it's so like okay well if i have to wake up an hour earlier the rest of the world has to wake up an hour earlier if they want to get their apples so maybe that's it i don't know jason i don't know now Jason. I don't know. Now, there are people who are, including a bunch of people at Crooked, who are very passionate about getting rid of daylight savings time. And I think there are many, many good reasons to do that in terms of energy efficiency and various other reasons. various other reasons. I just can't. Other than the day that I lose the hour of sleep, it's hard for me to get excited about the campaign to get rid of daylight savings. Yeah, I don't really care. I'm less affected now because my phone just does it for me. But ooh, baby, back in the day when she was in school, it was tough because I didn't have a

cell phone to tell me the time. And my sister, she always knew what time it was tough because we didn't i didn't have a cell phone to tell me the time and my sister she always knew what time it was that's her greatest strength knowing what time it is and she'd always make it to school on time and then my homeroom teacher we had the same homeroom and what was his name mr strauss mr strauss would would always go, is Nicole going to come to school today? And she would always say, I think so. Because we came to school separately because I had to sleep later because there's no medical reason. It's just a choice I made for myself and my self-care. But also school starts too fucking early.

It starts way too early. Yeah. It's insane. Nobody learns at 9 a.m i'm so sorry and then sometimes you have like other stuff like i had other kind of like uh clubs and classes that would require you to get there earlier so you'd have like 20 minutes to meet some other like ap thing like before homeroom and it was just like i my brain is melted wait i'm sorry yeah you came to school before school started to like have more school yeah we would have to do that in certain

we were like i was in a class called enrichment which was like i guess for smart people although my remembrance of this is that my mom bullied them into putting me into it and then i think this was like i think that uh asian bias worked in my favor in that case because it was a very white area but she was like my son is very smart he should be in enrichment and then i was i don't think there was any basis for me to be in it at that time but yeah we had to get there early i mean that does not sound like it's enriching your life if anything i feel like it's encroaching on your time. This is encroachment classes. It's absolutely true.

Nicole, I was just telling Marissa that this is wonderful for me. One, because I'm a big fan of yours. Two, because I know so much about your life from your various podcast appearances on The Power Hour with John Gabrus and Doughboys, any of the various podcast appearances that you've had. And when I first moved to Los Angeles four years ago now, almost five, maybe five, you were the first stand-up I saw. Really? Yeah, at the old Nerd Melt on Sunset. nerd melt on sunset uh you were at uh my friend mike malloy's show on deck was like a baseball

themed uh comedy show and you were and you were just like uh you know you were like crushing you were like godzilla stomping on little buildings it was amazing and it stays in my mind yeah thank you that honestly what a treat. Full disclosure, I just woke up because I lost an hour, so I slept in too late. But thank you. It's nice to wake up to a compliment. It's funny because when I first started doing stand-up out here, I mean, just as a woman, you kind of have to prove yourself. And then I came from a show called Girl Code where it was a talking head show where for whatever reason, stand ups did not think we were actually funny in real life.

Oh, wow. Interesting. Yeah. So like I would get booked on alt shows, but not in clubs. So like Nerd Melt was instrumental in me getting time. I miss that place. Yeah, me too. It was so fucking good. It was good. It was really good good it was good it was really good it was great

it was so that was like my i'd been in la like two weeks or whatever it was and i got invited out to that show and i was like wow this is great this is wonderful where did you come from i came from new york city from brooklyn i was living in brooklyn new york concrete jungle New York, concrete jungles where dreams are made of. That's right. Hey, Jay-Z, let me be on title. How long did you live in Brooklyn? Well, I'm born in Queens and then raised on Long Island for anybody that means anything to. John Gabrus would understand.

I mean, I get it. Yeah, during my formative years, I spent on Long Island. And then up until four years ago, I was there, four or five years ago, I was there for a long time, like almost eight years the last time I was there. Okay.

Yeah. I grew up in Jersey. I love it. So everyone in my class was either from long island or staten island yeah or had family in brooklyn or long island and staten island you know the vibe yes i know it very well and i love it also sometimes i like went to school with so many like italians oh yeah when i finally went to italy i was like wait wait, everything got lost in translation. Yeah, this is not like, how did that happen? This is not the same.

Nobody calls it gravy in Italy. It's so, it was like almost like a culture shock because I was like, I know Italians. I've been around Italians. Like people in my school, like their last names would be like Tortellini or Sant'Anastasio or like just so many like very Italian names. And then you get there and you're like, Oh, Hmm.

This. Okay. All right. This is different. Yeah. Everyone in my, in my class was either Irish, Italian or Jewish.

It was, it was, you know, those kinds of shades of white people um but a lot of italian but very like culturally like italian and irish and it was like yeah i remember like realizing that that prosciutto saying for prosciutto saying prosciutto uh-huh is like oh some weird east coast italian thing that actually has no prosciutto prosciutto mozzarella yeah i'm gonna get the mozzarella uh let me get uh half a pound of mozzarella uh some prosciutto it's like that's not a thing that people say that real italians don't say that yeah and then uh the thing that

shook me the most was some of them say instead of like spaghetti some of them some some east coast italians will say macaroni and gravy for spaghetti. Yeah. For just like spaghetti and red sauce. You're like, wait, what? What do you mean macaroni and gravy? That sounds awful. And then you like sit down to eat and you're like, oh, this is just spaghetti and meatballs. This is, what do you, what?

It was so funny. My mom is Filipino. My parents are from the Philippines. And so. Are you first generation? I'm first generation. So she has this, at this point, this insane accent that's like Filipino woman with these like really intense Long Island inflections, you know, like.

Same with my dad. Like what? My dad was from Barbados, lived in Canada for a little bit and then was in Chicago and then Jersey so it's like Chicago Chicago's like a midwestern like you spread you spread your words but not black people in Chicago black people in Chicago sound like they're from the south right so it's like southern canadian which is spread vowels uh barbadian which is like kind of clipped it's like you know rihanna uh and then jersey so like he like some of the words he would say were just so wild but like can you do an impression of

your mom i don't think i could do it i can kind of do it yeah she, she'd say, like, one of the things that she'll say when the Long Island really jumps out is she'll say, like, oh, my God, like that. Or she'll say something like she'll be on the phone speaking in Tagalog and then all of a sudden just say, this fucking bullshit. Something like that. Like, all her curses and that kind of stuff is just say this fucking bullshit something like that like all her curses and her and that kind of stuff is very long island inflected i truly love that that is a delightful treat i love when accents and cultures like intertwine and mix my family didn't really intertwine and mix it like uh my aunts and my uncle last time i saw them i was like do do a barbadian accent please and my aunt looked me dead in the eyes and was like we were made fun of so much when we first moved here that we have erased that from us and i was like so you won't do it for

me she's like no i don't i don't even know how it's been so long that's so interesting it's you know it's a similar thing with me because you know know, I'll get around Filipino people or my extended family and they're like, why can't you speak Tagalog? Although I can understand it. I can catch the gist of what's being said around me. But they're like, why can't you speak? And I'm like, well, because my mom, like, didn't want us to have accents and didn't want us to like, they wanted us to blend in, and that made sense. It seemed to make some kind of sense at the time in this extremely white area where we were teased and bullied a lot. But then later, it's like, yeah, why can't I speak anything? Why can't I? I feel out of place now. I can't speak the language. Yeah, it's interesting how trying to protect you ends up not enriching you later. So it would have been a real enrichment class if you

had learned to go with to go say say it again tagalog that's correct tagalog that's correct have you ever been to the philippines i have i've been there uh three times now the last time in like 2014 um it's it was so the first time i went i was i went as a child after my dad passed away we went there to like meet up with family and stuff and it was a complete culture shock because it was like they were going through um basically like a coup at the time this is the end of like the marcos regime he was like toppling and so they were like soldiers in the streets with like guns which i had never seen before that was crazy to me and my uncles were like don't let him speak don't you know they were telling me like when you're in public don't speak because if they hear you speak

english they'll kidnap you i'm like okay this is chill this is great thank you wow for really calming me down but then and then my mom i looked at my mom she's like it's it's true don't speak i'm like okay wow oh and then yeah so it was like that um and that was like it was that was the first time i ever saw kids smoking too i remember like my kids it was a complete culture shock that's bad but what a dream just a child smoking a cigarette like a child they sent me and like my one of my cousins to like a corner uh like not a store but like a little stand that's sold toilet paper and different things and cigarettes uh at the end of the street and so we go down there and my we buy the cigarettes and my little cousin's like do you smoke i'm like no

what i'm eight i'm eight years old what are talking about? And then she just like lights up a cigarette out of the pack. And you could have hit me over the head with a brick, walked up to me and done it. And I would have been like, it would not have felt it. I was so shocked at this. I'd never seen anything like this in my life. And there were adults around who were just like, yeah, that's great. This little girl is smoking. Fine one cares how wild that's i wonder that's so why does that happen i mean i guess i started smoking when i was in uh middle school but it was like a secretive

thing yeah i had to douse myself in bath and body works cucumber melon spritz before i went back inside and then my mother would still be like were you around people smoking and i'd be like i don't know i'm not sure i don't know but truly that's like intense to like go to a different country and then there's like you know military in the streets and they'll kidnap you honestly it's like fucking last summer here just in the streets why are you here in the streets uh and then so you know like electricity was really sporadic at that time the first time and there was no like all the tv was in tagalog was not in philippines was not in

you didn't see couldn't see any like western programming when the electricity was running and like they were burning like there was no garbage collection we were burning garbage like in the yard like it was a lot at that time and then when i went back more recently it was like completely everything was you know there's, these massive malls now. Everything's much more stabilized. Like, there is, like – the poverty is jaw-dropping in a way that is totally mind-melting and bracing still. But, you know, like, there's – the kind of, like, global pop culture is a lot more entrenched. Like, people watch Game of Thrones.

They wanted to talk about it. They watch like all American and Western shows. So it was like very, very different. There's like, we went out to restaurants. We weren't afraid about being in the streets. Nobody was like,

you're going to get kidnapped. Nobody was going to kidnap you. Yeah, there wasn't that, but so it was, it was just a phase. Now you can talk in public. That was so different.

I just like, okay okay i keep thinking about poverty and i'm like guys it's not fun it doesn't look like a good time it bums me out when i see it why don't we give people homes and money yeah i think i'm i'm slowly or not slowly i think i'm a full-blown socialist where i'm like oh no nobody should have a billion dollars. Seems dumb. Seems dumb. If I had a billion dollars, like you can't spend a billion dollars. You can't spend it. If you tried to spend it every day, you couldn't spend it. Yeah, you absolutely couldn't. I was on the phone with my grandpa the other day.

And my grandpa is, how do you say, the most blunt person I've ever met in my life. And he was like, what do you do? Also, he answers the phone like he's singing a song. He goes, hello. I love that. And I was like, hello, grandpa. How are you? And he was like, I'm good, granddaughter.

He also calls me granddaughter because he'll call me my sister's name if he doesn't just, you know, keep it generic. But he was like, what are you doing and i said driving home from the bank he goes oh withdrawing money i said no depositing money i like to save money and he went no no no no no you need to spend your money granddaughter you are you are not married you don't have kids and when you die your money is going to revert to the government so and i was like this is low-key a roast you are unmarried you have no kids when you die your money's just up for grabs

i was like who says this and i went grandpa thank you i'll call you next week and he said please don't but I will call him next week and he will enjoy it that's so funny it's uh it's were your does your family like understand what you do now like do they get it now no not at all um it's funny that they don't understand it so when nail it started like i told them i was like oh i'm on a show and they were like okay whatever nicole keeps saying she does things we call her miss they call they call me miss la or when i lived in new y, it was Miss New York. What's Miss New York doing? And I'm like, pretty well.

And then like last year or no, two years ago, 2019, my granny was like, are you going to go back to college? And I was like, no, like, I think I'm doing OK without a degree. Like, I think I'm fine. But like the kids started watching Nailed It. So like my youngest cousins and then my adult aunts and uncles were like oh so the children know she's doing something she really must be doing something and then a fun thing that happens is uh yeah tell us a joke and i'm like we're at the table and you're not paying me and there's no mike what do you mean yeah but i do tell my grandpa i'll be like grandpa this this joke i say about you kills every time and it's something

awful he has said to me and then every time i tell him the same one every time he laughs real hard and goes it's true does your family understand what you do um They do now. My mom does now. So we had it. It was I went to music school, which was a thing that my mom fervently disagreed with. She did not like that. You know, a child of immigrants. You should be like a doctor or something. I had like letters from good schools.

So this was like truly heartbreaking. But I was like looking to rebel. And also I really wanted to I wanted to be a film scorer i wanted to like you know do the do the music that you hear on tv shows and on commercials and such um so i did that but that didn't work and i believe i was just hearing about it from her for for a number of years and then i started getting into like writing and podcasting and she kind of uh when it when my podcast binge mode started taking off um we were covering game of thrones at the time and then she got it at that time because she started listening to it she liked the show and she was listening to and she got it and now it's like she's i have to be like don't

argue with people on facebook about who say things about me don't please don't do that like because she'll do it she'll go on like facebook threads and be like no like and i'll just say mom you gotta not that's love though that's so sweet my family would never fight on my behalf well my sister she'll just be, I saw someone say something nasty to you. I read it and it's not nice. And I'm like, yeah, Catherine,

I know. They can't understand. It's awful to hear bad things about yourself. It is. But then I like told my sister, I was like, I don't know if you read anything awful about me. Just like take it with a grain of salt and just remember that like these people aren't living their best lives.

Like if you have enough time to, you know, tweet or make a comment about somebody being like, I hate you. And it's like, OK, well, thank you so much. I'm so sorry. That's what I told my mom. I was like, listen, they everybody's been inside for a year and they just want to complain about something. for a year and they just want to complain about something. And I guarantee you that five seconds after whoever wrote something about me on whatever, they forgot about it.

Like it's not a part of their lives anymore. So just like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Uh huh. But then sometimes you have people who will come back and say things to you. Yeah. Well,

that is like, wait, is this the same person who says something nasty to me last week? And you're like, Oh, do they have like a reminder in their phone to be like, you gotta say something nasty to Nicole. I know.

Why are we so special? What happened here? I don't know, Jason. We're just like two little special potatoes. Okay, real quick. We have to take a break. And we back. Okay, Jason. way back uh okay jason yes are you single married dating uh in a polyamorous relationship an ethically monogamous relationship uh are you dedicated to never ever dating these are your only options which one is it?

I'm in an ethically monogamous relationship. I don't, I'm not sure what that is, but that sounds like the closest thing to what it is. Well, I said ethnically, ethnically monogamous. I thought you said ethically. No, I said ethically non-monogamous, but I would like it to be ethnically monogamous. I'm in a relationship. I'm in a relationship. I am in a relationship.

How long have you been in a relationship? It's been like two years now. That's nice. Choose a nice even number. Yeah, it's good. It's nice. It was long distance for a long time and now it's not, which is great. And the timing with the pandemic and all the stuff worked

out so that's been really that's been uh it's been really nice it's been really good yeah that's been the one of the best parts of it that's been a lot of people's best parts they're like i found love during a pandemic people weren't allowed to be near each other but i found the person i get to be near which has not been true for me it's been a terrible year for my pussy so okay how did you how did you guys meet i'm slowly going crazy i am like like i've been hung maybe eight times in the last year. I know. It's so crazy, right? I was outside.

We went to the beach yesterday to Malibu just to be outside a little bit. And I don't know how to talk to people anymore or do anything. I was trying to tip the person that i bought a smoothie from and it came out weird like i was asking for her fingernails or something you know like thank you smoothie good nails now fingernails give me your nails yeah it's uh it's really incredible like i't know what's going to happen when we're all, everyone who wants to be vaccinated is vaccinated. I can't wait.

I'm going to, oh my God, I can't wait. Some people are like very leery of it. I know a lot of black people, people of color are like, I'm a little suspicious. And I was like, I don't know, guys, if the white people are like driving to south central to get the vaccine you better get in line too bitch if they're getting it like this these audis are in fucking contact you better get it too girl okay so that's that's me that i'm like if they want it if donald trump the person who denied

covid for a year got it immediately when it was available you better give it to me too yeah people are flying to like florida and different states and like sharing codes that should only be used for certain people like if you're going through that level of trying to do it you know then think about getting it yes also people are like we don't know what's in people are like, we don't know what's in it. I'm like, you don't know what's in the food you eat. You eat apples that are a year old. Research it.

Listen, this is what they do. There's more apples. So how are apples in season all the time? How are apples in season all the time at the supermarket? It's because they keep all the apples. They put them in big old bins they lower the temperature to slow the the ripening process and then they like take the air out of it to also slow in the ripening process and then they give them to the supermarkets when they need it the

apples you eat on average are 14 months old i have read at least two articles about it so it must be true if I found two on the internet. Wow, you have just blown my mind regarding apples. Everything. How are all fruits and vegetables in season when they're not technically in season?

Now, see, this is the thing. This is a part of, I've been thinking so much during this pandemic. You mentioned that you're like a full-blown socialist now. I too have been radicalized by this past 12 to 14 months to four years of our shared experience on this earth together and it just feels like this can't go on like can we keep freezing apples for

14 months it just feels like everything there's too many moving parts in in everything that's going on and if you just pull like one pin now all of a sudden the apples aren't, there's too many moving parts in everything that's going on. And if you just pull like one pin now, all of a sudden the apples aren't ripe. There's no apples in the grocery store. That was like the toilet paper. It was like the toilet paper. Like that was truly shocking. Yes. Like going to the supermarket and being like, none?

There's not one roll here? And then you try to order on Amazon. And then like I had a friend who got little baby rolls like little mini rolls of toilet paper and i was like is this a joke what do you mean you're selling baby mini rolls of toilet paper i mean yeah if one thing goes wrong this country has no infrastructure to deal with it none None. Kind of like Texas. Like we should be updating a lot of things for intense natural disasters because they're going to keep happening because of global warming. Yes. And if if there's, you know, of of the many things, bless you, the many things that this pandemic has revealed about our society is like maybe it's not a great idea that most people get their health insurance through employers when uh all of a sudden we're gonna be laying off millions and millions and millions of people maybe that's a bad idea is that a good system maybe not yeah i can't remember who was

telling me this but they were like i don't know sweden where were they oh my friend tessie she she's her people are from like a nordic country i don't know but she was like yeah if i went there i could go get help and they would not charge me and i'm not a resident and i was like oh yeah that must be nice to go to a hospital like if you take an ambulance here i got to ride in one thank you she's a vip it cost you 700 and then you have to pay 200 of it even with insurance. That's insane. I mean, that is totally insane. Isn't it? It's truly just like, what is this country doing?

When I was uninsured for a good portion of my early adulthood, I have asthma, which is why I can't wait to get this vaccine. And so I was like, by hook and by crook, just trying to acquire asthma inhalers any way i could i'd be like with my brother had like you have 15 puffs on your asthma inhaler can you get another one and mail that to me like oh my god whatever it took and i and i i just think that you know the the amount of people that haven't been able to work and don't know where their money's going to come from and then like are uh are holding off doing

other things unrelated to the pandemic that are important for their health it's just not we can't keep doing this it's not sustainable nicole it's not sustainable i read an article about somebody a bunch of people who ration their insulin because insulin is so expensive and i was like excuse me yeah what people rationing insulin? Yeah, you can get a script for a painkiller? My pinky hurts. And they're like, park a set for everybody. It's nuts.

We're living in the wildest times, Jason. We're living in the absolute wildest times. And then every week, at least a couple times a week, there'll be some story that's supposed to be a positive story that'll come out like you know pop off on social media be like 95 year old pizza deliveryman gets a five thousand dollar tip it's like why is he working why is he working it's because the system has failed him or like the girl scout or not the girl scouts like one lone 10 year old boy sold 10 million bottles of water to raise money for flint michigan that still has no water yet they tried to make a movie about it a couple years ago and people were like wait a minute you can't do that

they don't have they still don't have the water no happy ending there's no ending yeah what are we doing and it's like these kids shouldn't have to do that it's crazy our country's so fucking weird it's super weird it's extremely weird and i don't get it i don't get it either it's fully fucking bizarre wait how did you meet your significant other okay so i was in uh i was in uh i was doing like this spoken this live storytelling event on tour with a bunch of other storytellers and journalists who had, you know, were working on different stories. I was telling a story about how for 10 years, I pretended to be a Yankee fan because of a misunderstanding I had with a friend of mine. He thought I was a Yankees fan. Just as

an aside, he thought I was a Yankees fan. I wasn't. I don't know how that started. Wait, why didn't you just tell him be like oh wait because i'm not because it was like it at first it was like unclear that that was what he thought and then it was like all of a sudden fast forward years later and i then realized that all this time like he had thought i was a yankees fan and at that point it was like i didn't know how how to broach it i didn't know how to and we had moved apart. We were in separate places now. So now it was like, I was just getting texts a few times a year about the Yankees.

Hey, they're doing great. And I worked at a sports and pop culture website. So I was surrounded by these incredibly knowledgeable Yankees, people who knew about baseball and sports in general. So I would just be like, okay, what does this mean? How do I respond to this if I was a Yankee fan? So I kept it going for a while.

Anyway, so I was in Washington, D.C., and she was like a friend of a friend of extended friends, and we met and hit it off. That's so nice. Isn't it nice? A friend of a friend. No, I have no friends who will introduce me to their friends. Well, no, no.

I know I have friends. Oh, no? I have no friends. I'm just a lonely person. I live alone. Nobody likes me. No, I have friends, but none of them will introduce me to their friends because they're always like, well, if they're single, they're single for a reason. Oh, I have this one.

No, he'd probably treat you terrible and push you down the stairs. And I'm like, what the fuck? How are you filled with bad friends? Yeah, I have no nobody. Nobody will hook me up with anybody. The apps are truly showing me the ugliest people. That sounds really mean. But like yesterday I was swiping and I was like, is this what you think of me, Hinge?

No, what is your go-to? Hinge is your go-to? Hinge has been my go-to because I've had the most success on Hinge. And then I don't do Bumble. Bumble doesn't work for me. I was doing Tinder, but Tinder just

seems like everybody's down to fuck, which I'm probably going to get back on Tinder once I'm vaccinated. Yes. Because the pussy is rusty. Yeah. She's squeaking. She needs to get oiled up. Come on now.

She's a Tim man. She needs to come on. She needs to get it. And then I was on OkCupid. But OkCupid is, there's a lot of moving parts, and I don't really understand it anymore. There's a lot of moving parts and I don't really understand it anymore. There's a lot of weird questionnaire stuff and there's like an algorithm

that you can feel it thinking for you underneath the surface. Yeah. It's a weird one. And then I read another article, just one article. I didn't do any due diligence to find a second. But this is how I confirm when things are real.

I'm like, is there two articles? Okay, baby, let's talk about it. But I read that a lot of dating apps have dummy profiles just to keep people invested. And that some people at these dating, dating workshops, no dating sites.

Well, like pretend to be the people and engage with you to keep you engaged so i that's awful isn't that terrible so i stopped paying for all the apps i was like well yeah i guess like why am i paying 50 every six months or like 150 every year like for what to go on a couple of dates where someone might pay for my drinks uh yeah i don't know it's it's a bummer but i'm gonna raise hard though isn't it isn't that true la is harder than i think other places to like to meet people yes because there's several things at play here one there's like a level of uh there's a level of uh keeping people wanting to keep their careers separate from

personal and a lot of like the kind of like intermixing they could come with like in you know introducing their friend group to other friends other people they might date and then there's just the space this is such a spread out it's like i remember when i was on the apps it was like looking for some i'm in uh santa monica looking for someone no further east than westwood like there's like all these i mean yeah i don't want to drive to the west side for dick no matter how good it is i don't want to be in my car for 45 minutes to an hour i can't do it but then okay so here's somebody i matched with. This person is dressed like Count Dracula, and they're just in the woods in a robe. And I just was like, is this, is this, are these who's left?

Is this who's left? I can't do this if this is who's left. Yeah, you can't, we can't have you, like, going on dates with, like, Gandalf or something. Yeah, I don't want Gandalf. I can't have you going on dates with Gandalf or something. Yeah, I don't want Gandalf. I can't do it. And then, so here's another person I encountered on the apps. So Hinge has prompts.

So the prompt is, you'll know if I like you if. No, wait. You'll know I like you if. And his response was, if I like your toes. Beautiful toes, beautiful spelt wrong soul that simple so here's what I'm working with it's depressing now let me ask you this what about you you're a famous person I'm mildly successful I know but on television? I know, but you're, yeah, you're successful. Raya? Raya is racist.

It is. And classist. It is. And I was on it for a while. So it took me two years to get on it. I was waitlisted. And when I finally got on it, it was filled with like Australian DJs. And I was like, there's no way I'm sitting on a 16 hour flight for Mediocre Dick where

he's like, maybe doesn't even have like a good playlist. So I can't do that. And then there was just like no people of color. And the people who approached me were just like, not chill people. Yeah, I just like it wasn't my people. It wasn't my vibe. So I, I stopped paying for it because I I was like I can't do this yeah everybody on there is like white and a storyteller yeah or like trying to break into the business yeah uh I went on a date

with someone I've mentioned this years ago on the podcast at this point uh they like gave me a script for me to read and I was like I don't have a production company I have no idea what you think I could do with this and they're like you know just pass it on to whoever and I was like are you serious sure am yeah it was so Raya's not for me like a feature a feature spec I didn't read it but it was a large pdf that I did not get around to reading and I don't know if I still have it. Real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back.

Also, I was like dating this dude last year and or not even dating. We were just fucking. And I like was dropping off clothing yesterday and I was looking for a parking space and I was like, do to do to do. And I was like, is that him? And I was like, this can't be. So I rolled down my window and I do this often when I see people. But I was like, Hey, Carl, whatever his name is.

It's not Carl. Um, but Carl's a name I like to use. Uh, and he, as he turned around, I was like, Oh no,

it is him. I then looked around my car. Like I was looking for something and I have no idea why I panicked like that. And then I like had to pull around anyway and I was like oh I should just like pull up to him and be like hi how weird but then at that point he was gone because a ghost screamed his name so then I had to like find his number because I had deleted it out of my phone so i like found his number and then texted him i was like hey does someone dress like the hamburglar uh yell your name because i

was wearing black and white stripes so like i look like the hamburglar and then uh he was like i truly thought i was going crazier than i was because i did hear i was like so who was you how interesting and he was like how are you then i told him how i was and then he was like, so who was you? How interesting. And he was like, how are you? And then I told him how I was. And then he was like, P.S., I'm in a very serious relationship. And I was like, tee hee hee. Who the fuck thought anything was coming up yelling at you in your car? And I was like, how do I respond to this to be like. That's such a weird one.

It's okay. Like. Now, do you as a as a notable person who's whose face and voice is out there streaming through various platforms, do you ever get for your success. I think often and fondly of our time together in Jersey, you know, whatever it is, does that ever happen? Well, okay, people do holler at me via the DMS. But it's never anybody who has said something like witty enough for me to like, it's never good. Yeah. And some of it sounds this will sound very mean if you have like sent me a dm hitting on me or like asking me out please don't take offense to this but like the like it'll be like long emails that i'm like yeah oh boy this is too much for me to like wade

through um yeah and then a lot of people are like not in LA. So I'm like, I'm not starting a long distance relationship with somebody that like, I truly don't know. Um, and then no, I don't have any like real exes. I've never been in like a relationship past two months or three months. I think that's my longest. Well, no, I did. I had one on and off for two, two and a half years, but he was, uh, bad and emotionally manipulative.

I don't like that. No one likes that. He wasn't great, but that dick though, I dream of it. I dream a dream time. Anywho. Lost my mind today.

Yeah, like I don't, it's I don't know. I don't know what it is. Every man who's ever appeared on my podcast has had tons of people in the DMS, you know, being like, let,

let me, let me talk to you. But I guess my demographic isn't straight men. And that's not to say I only date straight men. I'm a rather open my doors are open I refuse to close a door to somebody just because they might not be the gender or what I think the person I end up with looks like uh but yeah it's just I don't know it's I I truly don't know do you ever think about this is something I think about or talk about with friends who are in comedy and have careers where they do a lot of talking about themselves.

How much do you think a weariness amongst potential partners, potential romantic partners about like just having their business aired on a podcast? Do you think that people worry about that? I don't really know. Anytime I've broached the topic with people I'm dating about it, they have not listened enough to my podcast for it to matter. I guess it's just because I've listened to so many of your podcasts. I sound fully insane when I'm like, hey, I won't talk about you on my podcast and they're

like oh okay i didn't this is wait you talk about people on your podcast like what is this you just shit on people and i'm like oh no it's a dating podcast oh you do a dating podcast and you're like oh boy i've now dug a hole and it's this weird thing that like nobody was worried about and i was like i'll just tell you and yeah it's it's i think the next person that i date for a while i'm just not gonna bring it up let them bring it up if they have a query about it but i do have a rule where i don't talk about people i'm currently dating and i do bank episodes so like this one is being recorded in March and it will come out in June. So it like kind of fucks up timelines. Yes. So I like that. You can see that, you know, you're you're like, you know, you're you're hiding the trail. You're confusing the matters. So therefore, yeah, it's it makes it harder for for people to.

It makes it harder for people to, you know. Yeah, it makes it harder for people to piece things together. And also I've had like some people reach out and be like, were you talking about me on this? And once I was. So I said, yeah, that was about you. And once I like wasn't. So I was like, no, it wasn't. And I feel very badly. But you thought it was you.

So that's happened. But yeah, I don't know. I just I know if I was like and also people ask me that a lot they're like you talk a lot about your life like does it feel weird that people know so much and i was like or not was like but i i don't talk that much about my really like uh my life i i don't think i don't think i talk any more than any other comedian uh that's true i wouldn't say yeah i wouldn't say it's more than any other comedian for sure it's just i've listened to so much of your material over the years well she's got bills to pay so she's got 37 podcasts but yeah like there's just a ton of stuff that like i keep secret or not secret i just don't

talk about yeah and i'll do interviews and they're like, what's a secret about you? And I'm like, it's a secret for a reason. So I declined to answer that one. Um, but do you, so,

okay. How did you get into talking about sports? Um, it's a, uh, interesting, kind of a funny and weird question. I'm one of these people that got my breakthrough social

media like as i as i mentioned i was as a failed musician basically just i was working jobs i was like waiting tables and um delivering leather in new york city what does that mean to people who don't know namely me like leather yeah like leather like actual leather goods i worked for a friend's uh partner's like a handbag company and so i would was it zaina bain and it was not zaina bain i would so i would like push a cart up eighth avenue in midtown to where our leather distributor leather uh warehouse were where they made the bags and i would get them where our leather distributor, leather warehouse were, where they made the bags and I would get them. Where the leather daddies live.

Where the leather daddies lived. Mostly people from Ecuador who are wonderful. And then we'd bring it down and then I would pack it up and then fulfill shipments. And then when like raw leather would come in, I'd have to like deliver that up to the factory and stuff for them to make certain things out of it. So it was a lot of that, like wintertime pushing a cart through the snow and then working at as a cater waiter at like various places across the city. That was what I was doing.

And then so at that time, like Twitter was taking off and I had I started a Twitter account mostly to just kind of like follow what was going on with my fantasy basketball team and then I started tweeting a little bit and I guess I was funny it started taking off and uh through that I started getting opportunities I remember one time when uh when I was still working for this leather company they were like setting up their social media right they're getting into it and they were like how you you're on Twitter right how do we do this and I was like okay you do into it. And they were like, you're on Twitter, right? How do we do this? And I was like, okay, you do this, this, this. And they're like, what's your Twitter account just so we can link to it?

And not thinking, I gave it to them. And they're like, why do you have 35,000 followers? Which seemed like a lot at the time. And I was like, because when I am working here, I'm back there tweeting like way too much. So I got it. And from that, I got offers. People were like, can you do would you want to try and write some pieces? So I wrote some pieces.

Turned out I was pretty good at it. And then from that, I got actual offers. I got hired at Grantland first as a freelancer and then as an actual as actual staff writer. Then that fell apart and then I got hired at The Ringer. And then then through that I got opportunities to talk on podcasts it turned out I was pretty good at that too and then I just kept I picked up the ball and I just kept running with it I didn't stop running with it I love that I love when people not fall into what they end up doing as an occupation I just like a roundabout way to figuring out, you know what I mean? Like I like when there isn't just like a direct line,

like, oh, this is what I always wanted to do and I worked really hard and I did it because I'm like, oh, okay, that's fine. That's fine and good. But like, this is a fun story. Well, I'm always like, you know, whenever I hear stories about how people manage to succeed in whatever,

those are the parts that always annoy me when it's like, Oh, I was working for this amount of time, like as this, whatever, as a gopher or PA on this. And then I broke through next thing. I knew I was writing and I'm always want to be like, okay, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How did you go from the PA to like they read your thing and then they were willing to hire, like, tell me all the stuff about how that happened. The minutiae because that's the stuff that I don't understand.

It's like, yes, everybody's working really hard. We're all working really hard. Everybody is. Some people get lucky and that's just like how it happens. But then like how what were the things that you ended up doing that actually like made it successful? That's always the stuff that that. Oh, yeah. I guess I never think about that, that people will be like this and then this and it's like well yeah in between this and then this there was something there that you were leaving the fuck

out what is it uh that i mean that's what it was it was i got you know people uh my twitter account started popping off and people wanted to see if i could write longer pieces than just like the 180 characters or whatever it was at the time and it just so happened that I was able to do it. And I was also at a place in my life because of like, you know, failing as a musician or like stopping doing it, where it was kind of like, you know, there's always the imposter syndrome certainly like when you start something new it's like oh am i actually good enough to do this but there was also like an element of like i kind of don't like i've already washed out of like one complete life path i kind of don't care about this one you know what i mean like there was a there was a certain it's not fearlessness but like i'm just gonna say stuff and if it and i don't i kind of don't care if people don't like it or whatever like I'm just going to go for it mm-hmm yeah I love that um so okay you co-host with a former WNBA star were you like big into the WNBA oh I love all basketball I love basketball in in all its

forms professionally especially here in the states Renee Montgomery she is a two time, not just like a WNBA star, she's a two time champion. She's won two championships. She won a national championship in college with UConn. now a co-owner of the Atlanta dream, the team that she used to play for. And just like an, I'm super like an impressive person in all the ways that, that, uh, I am not. And is a really inspirational figure.

Like she, uh, she foregoed her last year of, um, of her career in order to campaign for social justice and voting rights and stuff in Georgia. Like she just is walks it like she talks it so um it's it's amazing and the ability to like talk to her and get like

an actual athlete's perspective on you know whatever the story may be is just really really cool and then i've i've tried to like not like you know dig for stories about certain games or or particular players but just because i want it to come out organically but it's really it's amazing to sit across from her and and talk with her about sports and stuff she's just got such a perspective it's amazing i have been to two WNBA games. And when I was there, I was like, how come we don't promote women's basketball more? It's so wild to me that women truly are like incredible athletes. And then the world goes, it's just girls playing. But I'm like, these girls are cool and good and they deserve the same

push as men's teams do. I completely agree. And I think the answer for why we don't is there's an ancient and well-entrenched and very powerful system of misogyny and other things

in this country. No! What. No. What? No. I think it could be. And that's the reason why we don't push it. And why not only don't we push it, but unlike other things, unlike other sports where it's like, okay, I don't like,

if I don't like baseball i'm not out here telling you fuck you if you like baseball but if someone's like oh i'm watching uh you know the uh the dream versus the sparks today oh that's then you'll hear people be like that's stupid why would you watch that um because it's women playing a sport um and that kind of antipathy is not there for other kinds of sports that men play. Mm hmm. Here's a question. Maybe you know it. Maybe you don't. OK. Maybe nobody knows the answer. It could be. Why do men male skewing people play basketball or not basketball, people play basketball or not basketball baseball and lady skewing people play softball uh it's a great question i you know i think it's it's part of they wanted to create a game that they thought ladies could play uh with their like with their um having less of a physical presence of guys so the ball is bigger they

pitch it underhand all these things why is the ball bigger because in the wmba the ball is smaller so you can palm it better but i'm like we have if you know ladies skimming people have smaller hands why isn't the ball smaller for them small little hands this is a fantastic question that i don't actually know the answer to. Okay, see, I thought maybe you wouldn't know, but maybe nobody knows. Maybe that's the next thing I have to research. I gotta find my two articles about softball

and why the ball's bigger. Well, this is like, why are, here's a question that I don't know if you know the answer to, which I've often i'm a smaller framed man and so you know there are times where i will buy like a lady's shirt or over shirt or whatever because it's the size that i want and there's no difference except the buttons will be on the other side why are the buttons on the other side i feel like whoever

started making buttoned down shirts was like we have to let the people know if they're in ladies clothing or men's clothing how embarrassing it would be if somebody doesn't know they're in women's clothing i don't know and i find it annoying because i'll find a men's shirt that i like and the buttons are different and then i i can't feel like it not i mean i can figure out how to fucking button it but like it just it's jarring and you're like oh yeah oh god yeah i don't know i do not know i think more things should be unisex and we should just decide on what side the buttons go and then that's for everybody that it makes complete sense to me i remember being so confused when i first discovered this and just being like, are more, I don't like, are, are women better with their left hands? I don't understand

what, why is this, why is this happening? I don't know. Why does this occur? I don't know. I, I also, I had a friend in college who was like four, nine or four, 10. She was very, very tiny. And I was like, you should shop at the kids section the clothes are cheaper and she took great offense to this she was like i'm a woman with curves and i was like okay but like just get something stretchy to go over the curves and you'll pay a quarter of the price i don't know if she does it now but like she she took great offense but i was like who gives a shit where you get your clothes from? Who cares? I've done it myself.

In that regard, online shopping has changed everything. Because now I don't have to go in and explain to people or have to talk to anyone. It's just like I just do my business wherever I choose to do it. In whatever section of the online store I choose to do it. And I get the thing and usually it works. Here's the other thing though I hate about. The one thing I hate about online shopping though is I'll look at a thing and I'll be like, oh, this is pretty good.

I wonder if it'll fit me and I'll look at it and it'll be like, you know, the model is six foot two and is wearing a medium. And you're like, how? How is this working out for you? what yes there's this store called big bud press it's like locally made in la i really really like them and they have models that show

the clothes and then i'll be like this model seems to look like my size but their dimensions are not my size and they're not wearing the size i think i should be wearing and then i'll order it and i'm like yeah i was right this this person's not me and they're like what's the point i don't know don't tell me what size they're wearing it doesn't work out but i do love big bud press they uh they do like small batches in la and they have two little stores they're a small little business Follow them on Instagram if you like prints and shit. But this is not sponsored by Big Bud Press. Maybe they should get into it.

Marketing, Team Coco Marketing, get on that. Well, I just love talking about things that I like and then people learn about it. What's something you like? Oh my gosh. What's a small business you like? Oh, that's a great question. A small business I like are a lot of bookst great question and small business i like is are a lot

of bookstores in the la area that i that i go to so um stories in echo park i love stories they do stand-up shows there and stand up in the back yeah that's one of my favorite shows because it's outside and i bring the people in with my screaming yeah it's, it's a great place to see stuff. And I love walking in. You can hear it happening in the back. They've got the nice layout and good coffee and some decent food. Skylight, one of my favorites, small business, great, great store. Secret Headquarters, which is a comic book store on Sunset Boulevard. I really like a lot.

Check that out. Please spend money in that place. Yeah, spend money there because a lot of, I know a lot of comic book stores do some I don't know if they do but I read an article I've been reading a lot can you tell and I've been like retaining just a little but there's this comic book store that was like we do a lot of our business at a booth at comic-con there hasn't been comic-cons so like we're not doing nearly as much business as we were so please please don't forget about comic book stores so i think that's great that you mentioned one yeah i've been trying to spend uh money in in brick and mortar stores whenever yeah whenever possible i've tried yeah

same i've been trying to like be cognizant of where my money is going yeah and but sometimes amazon is so convenient. I mean, listen, for certain things, it's like, I have to get these batteries or whatever and some shampoo, I guess,

like, and with, and, and a bunch of like weird stuff to like hang pictures, then I'll do it. I get it. It's just, it's kind of like unavoidable and entrenched at this point.

But I think, you know, trying to figure out how to, how to responsibly spend your money in ways that like help the community live in i think is important and the thing that i think more people are trying to do as the awareness of how tenuous all of this is nicole isn't it fucking annoying that like home we as people just living our fucking lives every day have to be like, okay, how are we dismantling capitalism and the patriarchy and systemic racism? Guess what? I'm exhausted. I don't want to do it.

That's the thing. That's the other thing is like, uh, I, what the, one of the things I really admire about you and are so inspired by the way you go about your, uh, your comedy and the way you express yourself is like, you know, a lot of this is just so we've been, uh, your comedy and the way you express yourself is like, you know, a lot of this is just so we've been, again, we've been inside. So many people have been impacted and have passed away from this terrible disease that is ravaging the country.

Um, and it's, there's sometimes where you just want to like, shut up. Like, I just want to watch selling sunset and watch these white people sell mansions and not think about, like, legitimately anything except, like, how much Botox is in Christine's head, you know? But when I listen to you, it's like you have a wonderful way of, like, putting so much sugar on the medicine, Nicole, that I just can't help but eat it down by the mouthful.

Thank you. Truly, this has been delightful. You are wonderful. I really, I've enjoyed our time together. But Jason, I'm going to end on that compliment because it can't get better than that. Do you have anything you, oh wait, no, fuck. Do you want to date me?

This. I panicked again for the second time in days. I just, I was like, oh, you're forgetting the last question. Okay, so the last question I usually ask all my guests is how I usually preface it is I always ask, would you date me? Not do you want to date me? But would you hypothetically? Yeah, absolutely. I would date you hypothetically. Thank you so much. Okay, Jason, what would you like to promote? Okay, Jason, what would you like to promote?

My podcast, Take Line, co-hosted with Renee Montgomery every Tuesday. Follow it wherever you get your podcasts. Like and subscribe. Give us the five-star ratings, please. We love it. And then my web show, All Caps NBA, every Friday on the Crooked Media All Caps Take Line YouTube channel. Smash that follow button. Thank you so much.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then I'll apologize for calling it Talk Line earlier. Maybe I'll rerecord it and I'll say Take Line. And then everyone will be like, she did say it correctly. And then they'll all be confused. And I'll probably just leave it. It's bad. I can't believe I read that incorrectly.

I was doing VO yesterday and the woman's name was Veronica and I kept calling her Victoria or no, it was Victoria and I kept calling her Veronica and then finally someone was like, hey Nicole, it's Victoria. And I was like, what was I saying? And they were like, not her name. I was like, okay, I'm so sorry. Like I

said earlier, Rita's hard. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. You can leave me a five-star review. If you send me something nasty hitting on me, either in my DMs, because I scan my DMs to look for them, or email it to me, or write it in the reviews. But this person said, Nicole, I want to cover your body

with graham cracker crumbs and stuff your pussy with marshmallows. What? Then I'd take you to a campsite in the middle of the woods. So I would have to drive to this campsite with things stuffed in my pussy. A group of my friends dressed as campers

would pump their dark chocolate dicks in your holes? Well, I read offensive tweets to you? Well, this is okay. By that time, we finished getting that pussy twitching tired. You'll realize you just got roasted like s'mores for a bunch of campers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The ha ha ha at the end got me. Okay, that's it.

Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people,

Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. This has been a team coco production