Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We're Thirsty (w/ Nichole Perkins)

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

Writer and podcaster Nichole Perkins (Thirst Aid Kit) joins Nicole to discuss setting boundaries in your casual relationships, dealing with thirsty groupies, and, can you get COVID from your pussy? Plus Nicole writes a letter to her dream man, and is shopping for a $600 sex machine. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Ooh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could decide to meet up with me on a date and not show up. And if you tried again, I would answer. And if you tried again, I would answer.

My guest today is a writer and host of Thirst Aid Kid, a podcast about celebrity lust and sexual desire. The show just wrapped their weekly run in September. It's Nicole Perkins. Nicole, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for inviting me and having me on. I'm really thrilled. I'm very excited to like get into it. So like before we even started, you were like, I deleted dating apps.

What is going on? Tell me about it. Okay. So obviously we're in the middle of a pandemic. I don't know if you realize that. But, you know, at first I was like, okay, cool. I'm just going to reach out, you know, use the dating apps. Maybe this would be the time when these men actually learn how to communicate and learn how to text and learn how to sext, which is very important to me. But they still were just

very lopsided in the conversation. It was still me asking stuff to the point where I felt like I was interviewing someone and I interview people a lot already. I don't want to interview my dates. So that was a problem. And then even when I got on like the app for kinky people, it was still then kind of just too aggressively boring still. It was, you know, it was like, just too aggressively boring still. It was, you know, it was like, hi. Wait, which app? Is it FetLife?

Field. F-E-E-L-D. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, you get on there and they're like, yeah, I think I can satisfy your needs of what you're looking for. And then you're like, okay, well, I like sexting. I want, you know, I like dirty talk.

And then they're just, they give me some like harlequin ass shit because they think that that's what women want and I'm like no you can you can actually use the words pussy and dick like you don't have to tell me that you're gonna touch my center I don't you like no wait did you really have someone say I'm gonna touch your center yes honestly that doesn't sound hot it sounds like a threat it's like I'm gonna touch your center yes honestly that doesn't sound hot it sounds like a threat it's like I'm gonna touch the center of your core it's like you're gonna kill me you're gonna stab me I don't be stabbed with a dick now I will say that there were some you know exchanges that were fruitful um but then I got to a point where I was just like, it's still too much work on my end for something that is not good enough for me. And so I was like, you know what, I'm going to try to do

this whole wellness thing. And I just deleted all the apps because I was like, I need my peace. This is the time that I need peace and trying to worry about uh how am I going to keep this conversation flowing it's not something that's bringing me peace so fuck all these dudes fuck all these apps right now and I just deleted them and it's also been a time saver because when I get bored I'm just scrolling and swiping and scrolling and swiping. And I don't do that anymore. So. All right. Well, which apps did you have? You had fields or field? Yeah, field, Tinder and Bumble. Okay. I mean, I truly oscillate between deleting the apps, staying on the apps.

And within like the last couple of weeks, I was like like why not just start talking to people and I agree with you with people being aggressively fucking boring so I matched with this guy on Hinge and on his profile he said you should not go out with me if and then his answer was you're easily offended especially by words so i responded which ones and then he says not any specific words just in general lol i said oh dang that would have been a perfect opportunity for you to say something fully wild he said oh damn you're right i miss a lot of opportunities i said you missed it again so what are like the four most offensive words and he goes oh my god I'm awful mm cunt the f word the n word and not sure lol and I said I think you got him and then he was like I don't think cunt is such a big deal I was

like I don't care about it and I was like I was gonna give you shit for not spelling out the words but I decided not to and then he was like but you should have and that was it and I was like i was gonna give you shit for not spelling out the words but i decided not to and then he was like but you should have and that was it and i was like this is the most boring conversation if i say what words do you think are offensive just say the words that you think are offensive otherwise take that off your profile because it just seems like you're a weird pussy who's like uh everyone's offended by things i'm like then tell me what you think is offensive yes they put all this shit on their'm like, then tell me what you think is offensive. Yes. They put all this shit on their profile. Like they're really going to like, you know, blow your mind and then you push them on it and they're just like, LOL. No, don't LOL everything.

Just talk. It's so frustrating. And then I was like, also, you're going to LOL at me. You're grown up. You you're 20 I think he was 29 30 I closed my phone but I'm like I don't just say words say all say words to me it's so fucking frustrating yes so I have this thing that I do well I ask a guy what is your most favorite or most memorable compliment that one of your exes has given you? And this is not for me to like find out about their exes, but it's like what they, I'm interested in what they remember, how they're going to try to showcase themselves to me. And three, if they just think, if they give me what they think I want to hear. So sometimes the guy will be like, they always tell me that I'm really nice and I pay attention, which is nice and sweet.

And then sometimes the guy is like, I was the first person to give her an orgasm. And I'm like, she's lying. But OK, I'm glad that you remember that. They do go on to say something like, I've always been really supportive and I'm good in bed. So they give me like a mix of that kind of stuff. But it's always very telling to me their responses one way or another, because, you know, I know that somebody had to give you a compliment. What was it? Because sometimes guys are also like, oh, I don't really remember. I'm like, OK, well, then that means nobody's complimented you and you were probably terrible and unworthy of some compliments. But yeah, that's my little experiment that I like to do.

How would you answer that question? Okay, so I answer, I usually say, I'm going to give you my second favorite compliment, which is I smell good or something like that. And then they'll be like, well, what was your first? And I'll say something back like, well, I don't want to put this idea in your mind because in case you actually get to experience that, then you can say the compliment truthfully and it hasn't been implanted in your brain. Now, some guys, if they are witty and clever and smart and they know how to flirt and they're charming, they know how to come back from that and do a little, you know, get the dance started. Other guys are just kind of like, LOL, OK. You know, but I'm looking for the guy who's going to be like, oh, well, I hope I do get the chance to find out what that first compliment is or something like that.

You know, I want a little banter. I want, you know, give me some, I don't know, North by Northwest kind of banter. That's what I'm looking for, you know, when we're doing these little chat conversations. But don't you get worried that, like, if they're good at texting or good at banter, that when you meet, that spark might not be there and then you put in a lot of

work for nothing? Yeah, that's always a possibility. But at least they are also putting in some work, you know, by being charming and stuff like that. So that feels better. If I'm the one that's trying to carry the conversation, I have very low expectations. But if he's been, you know, given as good as he got, then I feel more like, okay, we can go head to head. This will be an interesting drink or two. fine. I'm not like wowed by it. But I was like, I know we're in a pandemic, but like, we can meet in a park with a mask on and drink some wine. So like, I was very much against this in the middle in the beginning of the pandemic. I have now since done a ton of social distance hangs with friends. I've been to protests. I've been in a mask. I haven't I've been tested more times than I can count. And I haven't gotten it. tested more times than I can count and I haven't gotten

it so I was like I think what I'm doing is working which is social distancing and masking so I'm like if I think I'm ready to like meet somebody in a open space and talk to them but nobody I've been talking to has like like said let's meet up or whatever. And I don't ask people out anymore. I decided like last year I was like, okay, people have to chase me because me chasing people isn't working. I just, this like going back and forth is so exhausting and I don't know how to be like,

I don't want to talk to you anymore unless we go out. Right, okay. So I understand that challenge as well, because a lot of times I think these guys are waiting for a clear signal that they can ask you out, you know? So I don't know. I mean,

not that you asked for advice, but I would just be like, Oh, this, this would be a really good day for us to like hang out in the park or some, I mean, that's not asking him out,

but it's still just kind of like putting it out there. And if he grabs onto it, if he says, well, do you want to meet up later? We can blah, blah, blah, blah. That's how he should respond. But he's probably, if he, you know, if he's scary, as we say back home, then he might just still be like, oh yeah, it would be, huh? I don't know. Like he would, you you know kind of push

you to the side and if he does that little dance to the side then I think you can I think it's fair for you to be like you know maybe the next time you talk to be like well I was hoping this would go someplace and it doesn't seem like it's really doing that so maybe we should just call this one and I wish you good luck see you're nice I just stopped talking to people I'm like I don't know if you don't ask me out and like I don't owe you anything we just like we've been back and forth for a week I definitely ghost but I thought that this was somebody that you kind of were into I think they're attractive um I think I don't know. It's pictures. They seem interesting. They text in chunks. So I'm like, I think you could hold a conversation. So that's why I was like, oh, I think I'm into

this. But I'm like, if you I guess what I'm saying is like in the past, I've chased people. It hasn't worked out. So I'm like, I would like to be chased. He's not chasing. So I think I have to let it go. Yes. Fair. That's also another reason that I deleted the apps because I was not giving I was not being given the level of care that I would like at this point in my life. You know, the hookup stuff is fine. It does serve a purpose. It has, you know, benefited me greatly for a long time. But I think the pandemic has definitely highlighted that I would like somebody that I am saying, I love you too, before the end of the night when I go to sleep. I would like somebody that I can send to the bodega by himself or whatever, um, that kind of thing. And so I think I saw this tweet a while

ago that was like, you know, thank God for situationships that, um, don't confuse casual with, I think, I can't remember, but like the knows that a casual situation can be caring as well. And so that has stayed in my head and that just because we're very casual, we're doing maybe a light friends with benefits kind of thing doesn't mean that we can, you know, make time to meet and then you just not show up or you not respond to texts and think it's okay. Like I'm still a human being with feelings and I have set aside time for you. Acknowledge that and be respectful of that. And if you can't meet when we say that we were going to meet, then just let me know. But the constant ghosting after we've made plans is a problem to me. And I no longer want that in my life. And I want someone to treat me, like I said, with care and softness. You know, the situation with Breonna Taylor and so many different people's reactions to it

just kind of magnified this fact that I don't really have anybody other than family and friends treating me with softness and care. And I would like somebody who I'm fucking to be careful with me and to be, you know, protective of me and the relationship that we have. And I was not getting that from hookups and situationships. And so I was just like, you know what?

I'm going to take a break. This is not meaning that I'm not, like if the situation wasn't right, I still would like go out and find somebody to fuck or whatever. But it's still just like, I think I become more determined to find somebody to date seriously at this point, if it's possible, like i'm i think i've become more determined to find somebody to date seriously at this point if it's possible if i can find anybody because it is hard out here yeah it is very very hard in these streets i think that's what i'm looking for too

i would like one person to fuck one person who like loves me and i think about like moving in with someone a lot and i'm like where would they put any of their stuff and then i was talking to my therapist about it and she's like why have you jumped to moving in with someone when there is nobody and i'm like girl that is too real can we stand back a little bit and let me have a fun to say um but she's like don't worry about that till it's time to worry about it i'm like okay we stand back a little bit and let me have a fun to say. But she's like, don't worry about that till it's time to worry about it. I'm like, okay. I use one of the little therapy apps.

And so my therapist was like, do you have a list of what you're looking for? And I'm like, of course I've got a list. That doesn't mean I'm getting it. That doesn't mean that anybody out there is, I know that someone is not going to, you know, match everything on my list, but it would be nice if it was like at least the top 10 attributes that I have, like a collection of those, that would be great. I did an insane thing with my friend Marcy a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if I've mentioned on the podcast yet though. So we record this 90 day fiance podcast uh it's on patreon if you want to like going on I don't know but uh so we were talking and I was like I honestly think I've been saying October's

gonna be when things turn around I think I've been right so far but uh I was like I think the back end of this year is going to be good for a lot of people. And I think we all need to like manifest it because that's how I think things happen. I've manifested a lot of shit in my life. And I think people should, instead of looking at the downside of shit, just be like, well, what is the positive? What can I, you know, pull out of this shit? But we were talking and I was like, OK, Marcy, I want you to write down everything you want in a partner.

I will do the same thing. Let's put them in envelopes and then address them. And we addressed them to our future partner. And then I said, the address was just like 123 anywhere you live. Lane, Los Angeles, California. Then I picked the zip code I wanted him to live in, which was just mine because I'd like him to be close. And then we went to the actual post office and mailed them. We put real stamps on them.

No. Oh, my God. And it was like really stupid, really dumb. But it made me laugh so hard. And then as soon as we like put them in the mailbox, a nice unhoused friend walked over and Marcy was like, he's here. And he was like super hot. So I was like, I like I mean if he's nice I don't see why not but then he started screaming at somebody and I said okay maybe maybe he's not for me but uh I don't know I was just like I think the point was I was like I want to keep putting out in the world what I want so the world hears me and sends me what I want. I do the same thing. I

definitely believe in manifesting shit. I'm slightly witchy. You know, I have my little candles and my conditioning oils that I use and stuff like that. And I realized that I had been acting from a place of lack. Right. So I was just like, oh, I'm so lonely. I don't have anyone. I don't have this. I don't have this. I don't have this. I don't have this. And I was still not getting that. And then when I changed my language and changed my thinking into to be like, I'm so glad that I have this. I'm I'm just going to I can't wait till I get this apartment. I can't wait until I get this job. I am so grateful that I have this. I'm just going to, I can't wait till I get this apartment. I can't wait until I get this job. I am so grateful that I have this job, that kind of thing. And I started acting like it

was already done. That's when I started to get stuff. So I live in New York and I moved here in January, 2017. I went through a lot of like couch hopping and subleases and stuff like that. And I just kept saying, I want an apartment that's bright and sunny with two bedrooms. I don't know how it's going to happen, but that's what I'm going to get. And that's what I'm in right now. It's my two bedroom, sunny apartment in Brooklyn that is still ridiculously expensive. And I don't know how I pay for it, but it's still just like, here, this is what I got. So I felt the same. I had the same epiphany that you're talking about

with dating, like just a couple of weeks ago, because I was just like, I'm so tired of being lonely. And I kept getting the loneliness. And then I was just like, okay, I'm ready. Wherever you are, I'm ready, come through. And I've just kind of like calmed down on the loneliness and all of that. I definitely feel like more people are ready to, I don't know that everybody's going to come out of the pandemic ready to commit or anything, but I definitely think more people

are like, holy shit, being alone fucking sucked for that long. Let me see if there's a way that the next pandemic, I'll have somebody with me and maybe it'll be easier to deal with. So in career stuff, I've done a pretty, I'm doing okay in my career. And I guess like the way I think about it is, here's what I want. If it happens tomorrow, great. If it happens six months from now, great. If it happens a year from now, tomorrow great if it happens six months from now great if it happens a year from now great if it happens three years from now whatever and then i think when i approach dating i'm like now that's when i want it and now but i think i have to like really get in my mind that like shit's gonna happen when shit fucking happens and there's no way that i can

control it and i have to just like, let it be. And then, you know, when the pandemic is over, truly, I hope that people, like what you said, I hope people are ready and they want to invest their time in somebody. Because I think before the pandemic, people were like, whatever, who cares? You know, I'll see somebody else tomorrow, whatever. And then pandemic hit. And I think a lot of people are being responsible and not seeing as many people as they were. But you know what? Maybe they are.

I would love to talk to someone who's like, oh, I've been fucking every day of the pandemic. I got COVID twice. Like, I would love to speak to that person. But I think for the most part, people have been taking a backseat to dating. Yeah. It's just really interesting yeah yeah i um like i said you know talking to some guys over the course of this summer on the chat has led to some socially distanced dates and things and wait have you fucked during the pandemic yes did you wear a mask not during did you kiss no okay so you're following the rules that like new york city has put out for

people they're like use the glory hole uh do doggy style don't kiss yes but i mean you know he ate my coochie so it might as well have been like him kissing me i think maybe i don't know i don't think you can get covid through your pussy i don't think so unless like maybe he like blows in your like vaginal hole they exchange a fluid some kind of way i don't know i don't think so i don't think you can get it that way spit to coochie juice no i don't think so okay that's good but i'm 100 sure they haven't researched that because everyone's like fuck women who cares right right and you know so far so good i'm still i haven't had it and i you know whatever but there there was a point where i was just like i need somebody that like to talk to face to face and then we can see what

it do and we did so oh my god how do i get my fucking pussy eight that seems nice and safe i've been truly googling glory holes because i'm like i will back that ass up to a glory hole and let somebody eat me out or just like fuck me like i'm at that point i am so horny it is fully upsetting i just bought a thrusting vibrator that doesn't fucking work so i wanted a fuck machine but they're like six hundred dollars and they're very cumbersome and i was like i don't know if i could set this up on my bed i think i'd have to like go get a massage table or something and I was like I don't have I don't have the space so I bought this like they were like it's the state-of-the-art thrusting vibrator that you can hold but then if you put it in you it just moves but doesn't thrust in you right yes I have one of

those joints like it's a pulsating thing or something right and it's it's it doesn't do what you need it to do and also it doesn't i don't it just doesn't get as deep as you need it as a person it's so depressing i was like oh my god if this was attached to a person this would be great but it wasn't no but for people who are really into just clitoral stimulation, can I recommend? Sure, please. It's a vibe by this group called MAUDE. Okay. M-A-U-D-E.

And it's not a group, but like that's the website or the brand. And it's a small, it's kind of like a cone shaped thing. It's like a clitoral sucker? No, no, no, no no it's just a straight vibe just straight vibrator so the little vibrator it doesn't look like it's going to be nothing and it only has three speeds but it's so ergonomical like okay um and i really don't need to take it off that first you know the lowest speed it's. I love it. But I do have one of those clitoral suckers. I got it off Amazon.

Tracy's dog? Yes, bitch. Yes. I love my Tracy's dog. I think it's... So Tracy's dog sent me another vibrator. So it's a G-spot vibrator with a pulse on the G-spot part. Oh.

And the shaft vibrates. So I use... My pussy sounds like a helmet because I use that and then I use a Hitachi magic wand at the same time. that's how horny i am that i have to use two vibrators two very powerful vibrators and uh that's about that's it and then sometimes i'll use my tracy's dog and then get into that it's it's like a whole thing now it's uh oh wow i had yeah it's uh let's see two three four toys in my nightly rotation right now. I need to get fucked so bad. It's, like, depressing.

It's like I'm going to have to take a bag of toys to bed. Oh, man. I just finished my period. And so I use one of my vibrators to, like, you know, help push out the rest of the. Sure, yeah. That comes out but i was just like i i also just want to get fucked just it soothes my mind you know yes it's nice and then like after you come you're just like kind of elated and you're happy yes yes i just want to be happy again. Yes. I have been smoking too much.

Weed? Yeah. And I miss high sex because high sex is really good. Drunk sex is okay, but I'm always afraid that my stomach is going to squish around too much and then I'll throw up or something. Oh, I like drunk sex. I think it's fun to be messy. And then in the morning when you're like kind of sobering up, you're like, again?

You're like, yeah. You're like, okay. Was it good? That's my favorite. Yeah. I don't, drunk sex is okay. I like to get a little loose, but I think that I sober up in the middle of it. And then I kind of.

Oh, no. Yeah. So. Well, we need to take a quick break. And we're back. So, okay. On your podcast, you talk about being like openly thirsty. Have you had any suitors, any gentlemen callers listen to your podcast and ask you about it? guy that I messed around with for about a year. I nicknamed him the hippie. I thoroughly enjoyed him and he would listen to it and he would put like his friends onto it, which I really appreciated.

But he never- Ooh, that's nice. Yeah. And I actually, I did sneak him into, we do drabbles. So we do like these little fan fiction things with the people that we talk about. And so I did sneak him into one at some point or like the idea of him into that, you know, one at one point. But then there was this other guy who I met on. Where did I meet him? I think I met him on Tinder. And, you know, came over and he saw this, you know, know, all of my like paraphernalia that said Thursday Kid.

And he's like, what is that? And I told him. And then he went to, you know, he listened to it and stuff. And then the next time he came over, he was like really into, you know, he was trying to look all around and stuff. And he's like, is this where the magic happens? Is this where you record Thursday Kid? It's really good. And men always act surprised when they listen to the podcast and they enjoy it, which is

kind of offensive, but they don't realize that they think that they're giving. Not kind of. It is fully offensive when men are like, you're actually funny. And I'm like, actually, what do you, I don't need the qualifier. Shut the fuck up. Leave me alone. Right. Right.

So, you know, he did all that and he just kept talking about it and even you know eventually through text he was asking me about it and then the pandemic hit and like right before the city went to lockdown we fucked one more time and the sex was okay he was just something he was very focused on how many times i came and if i came and stuff like that he was very like mechanical with it it was you know whatever but okay pandemic hit we fucked then time passed and maybe like in the middle of it he texted and he was like hey i'm going back to work do you think we could have a threesome with Thursday Kid? And I said, what? And he was asking if me and my co-host and him could have a threesome. Wow.

Yes. And I was like, what makes you think that that's okay to ask me? Because I've never presented anything like that. I've never talked about that. Whatever. He was like, oh, I just thought I'd ask. Wow. How wild. Yeah. I felt really uncomfortable and immediately blocked him. And like, I was like, he has become some kind of groupie and I don't want to fuck a groupie. You know, it's funny, though, because he truly didn't know what the podcast was. you know it's funny though because he truly didn't know what the podcast was then was like oh wow i discovered this amazing thing so how can i keep this amazing thing in my life the way i want it where it's like he's like the christopher columbus of podcasts he was like i discovered this and i'm gonna take it as mine it's like bitch it existed before you it exists after you oh man that was

terrible um and he would say stuff like i hope you're not going to talk about this in an episode and i'm like no in the way that clearly he wanted me to talk yes i'm like no he would ask did i tell my friends about him and i was like no you know and i'm i have very clear boundaries with guys that are just strictly hookups or strictly just like human dildos. And I will hurt their feelings because I'm like, don't think that you are important to me just because you're here and you are a man. And so when they ask me stuff like that, do you talk about me to your friends? I was like, no, there's really nothing to talk about.

And I will hurt your feelings that way. to talk about and I will hurt your feelings that way. But yeah, so, you know, a lot of, I think a lot of guys, they, I've had a couple of guys tell me they're intimidated by me because I'm so open about talking about sex and stuff like that. And I think that they think that I'm expecting them to be a human fuck machine and just to like serve me all the time and well there is some element of that in a relationship with me um I'm actually you know really gooey and soft inside like once you get past those boundaries that I have up and you know again sometimes men just don't want to do the work to find that so on your, you talk about thirsting over man's who's one of the like the people you've had on the podcast that we watched his Nailed It episode. So that was his first one. But he was so charming and funny and whatever.

The energy between him and my co-host, Bim, was fantastic because she's the one that like led the crush on him. But there's no, all of them have been really great and sweet and fun to talk to. There was never anyone who was just kind of ridiculous or did anything that was too outlandish. But I think talking to Chris Evans, when he was on the set of those last Avengers movies, he was on set and he took the call to us while he was on his lunch break or whatever. So that was like,

I think that was the wildest thing that I could not get over. And then later, when it was our one year anniversary, he did a little video for us and he was just like, yeah, he was like, you know, this is one of my favorite interviews

and next time I'm in New York, we can go out and get some drinks. And he winked at us. And I showed the guy that I had been messing with, the hippie, the video. And he got kind of tight. He was like, so are you going to go on a drink with this dude? And I was like, well, of course I'm going to go on a drink with fucking Chris Evans. He was like, yeah, that wink is really serious, huh?

I was like, yeah. I'm like, you know, that's really sweet that you think Chris Evans might be interested in me. But come on, relax. That's funny, though, because men get kind of funny when like they're like wait somebody else might like you and it's like yeah i'm a fucking woman any anybody might like me and i'll leave you i'll leave you so no i'm kidding if i found somebody nice i think i would stay with that i don't fucking know who knows anymore oh i also keep running into people who are in like open relationships and they're like I have a primary partner but you know we're looking for I'm looking for a nice time and I'm

like I don't y'all get on your own apps just get out of here right so at first I was kind of into dating men who were in polyamorous relationships because I was like, I don't have to worry about them getting attached because they can just go home to their primary partner and it's all good. But then I discovered, and this is obviously just my experience, that men in open relationships are not good lovers um they are they think they are but they are not and that what makes that's that's really what makes it sad they think that they're really good but they're not um they're not very satisfying so interesting i wonder what that is maybe they're just like giving it all to their primary partner though that can't be it I don't know

I don't know why that would be I don't think I've slept with anybody who's in an open relationship just somebody who was in a closed relationship and didn't tell me I have some timey sub. Our relationship is very inconsistent, but I don't

know anything about his personal life, but it's very clear that he is in a relationship where his partner does not know what he's doing on the side. And his time is very limited and all this kind of stuff. And he's always very careful about how he talks about his home life. And I'm just like, I told him, I don't want any drama if your wife or whoever finds out about this. And he still never acknowledged that he was married or whatever. But he was like, OK, I promise you nothing will come to your door. I'm like, OK. He was like, OK, that, you know, I promise you nothing will come to your door.

I'm like, OK. Boy, I I can't imagine having a partner and then not telling that partner that I wanted to sleep with other people and then doing it because I'm busy. Being sneaky seems like another job I would have to have. So it's like in between recording podcasts, I have to like slip out of my house to go fuck somebody else and not let them know and then get home and fucking do a voiceover or whatever I have to do like that's insane it is a lot of work to sneak around and to like then your partner is asking you why are you taking a shower in the middle of the day when you just took a shower this morning you know shit like that if they're pretty observant or you know that would never occur to me i'd be like oh you try to get real clean no like if they if they left and it came back and immediately took a shower and they hadn't gone running or some shit it wasn't to like it would never cross

my mind i am not i don't think i'm very observant i'd just be like okay another shower i'd be like maybe he's trying to tell me something i should take a shower nah well that's also just me coming from like you know a traumatized point of view from having been cheated on and seeing these signs after the fact um so it may very well just be somebody who was like oh no i just feel really sweaty and sticky from being outside no i mean you're probably right if they come home and they're like shifty eyed and uh trying to get in the shower real quick and not like not trying to hug me or whatever yeah I'd be like oh you don't want to touch me because you're dirty like I mean that's what I would be like but now I'd be like oh okay maybe you're cheating on me I don't want to make anybody suspicious who is not naturally suspicious no this is this is

good for when i get into a relationship and he showers too much i go excuse me i was watching um this documentary on that man who murdered his wife and kids and took them to his job and put them in a tank do you know about that no what the fuck i can't remember his name but this man so his wife was like hanging out with a friend or something and she dropped her off like super late and then her friend was like did you get in okay and then she never answered because she wasn't okay her husband was busy murdering her and her kids and then i think it was like an oil refinery or something i don't know what kind of tank he put them in but the so her friend called the cops to be like my friend's not answering so the cops arrived at his house right after he like disposed of the bodies and on tape

he's just like hey what's up guys um i don't i'm not sure where i like it's oh my god it's very much like a dude coming home cheating where you're like where were you he's like uh I'm not who was anywhere I don't know that's just what it reminded me of uh and honestly if I was an officer I'd be like I don't know checks out it would be a terrible cop I'd be like I don't know he said he didn't do it so like we move on oh man now i can't stop thinking about this man killing his wife yeah it's depressing my roommate loves to watch like 2020 or dateline like anything where someone's been murdered he's like let's get into it and it's a little depressing because a lot of these husbands be out here killing and i'm like looking for a husband wait so can i ask you when um you know in the before times and you have a roommate and you would have company over would you be worried about sounds escaping the bedroom no um the walls are

rather thick in my like i never hear him and his partner having sex. And then also, I don't really bring people to my house. I go to their house. I just don't want, like, my house is my happy place. I don't want you fucking up my happy place. I don't want to, like, think about you in my bed. Yeah. And then you, like, leave those memories at their home.

Yeah, I get that. And I very much am, like, I don't like to overstate my welcome. I'll leave. So that's just how I am. I feel like people aren't that respectful when they come to your house because you'll be like ready for somebody to fucking leave. And they're just staring at you and you're like, get up, put on shoes, put one foot in front of the other and get the fuck up out of here oh that's interesting i mean yeah that's part of why i tell these guys beforehand i'm like i don't let anybody spend the night so if you're gonna come over make sure that you're able to leave you know the only people that i will allow to spend the night are guys who really, really put it down and I want to continue it,

continue the relationship and like get some horny sex as well. And that is very rare. It is very rare. I do not let them spend the night at all. I once had someone come to my house and like, I've had like three people come to my house i won't say like nobody ever comes but uh i was like do you want to stay over and they were like no i have to go and i said okay bye and they were like oh and i very much was like oh you wanted me to beg

you i'm not doing that get out leave yes just like if i can leave then like i asked once you said no so now you gotta get to step a bitch oh poor thing dating is truly it's hard because you're trying to like everyone's been raised a different way yeah so everyone has different ways of living and then you're trying to mix those ways of living and then sometimes it mixes nice and well but other times you're like jesus fucking christ i don't understand anything that you you do or say yeah i um i am generation x right and i end up dating or hooking up with a lot of millennial dudes sometimes like as much of a 10 year difference between us. And there are very clear lines of demarcation where our communication skills fall apart

because of how they communicate, how I communicate and the things that I take to mean as significant or not as significant and that they do take as significant or whatever, like we're just on opposites of stuff. And I am constantly having to relearn communication when I deal with them. And that's another, I'm just kind of tired of that. I would not to say that I'm, I just want somebody who is my age and knows exactly this, you know, that we have the same experience, but I'm just kind of over trying to be like, okay, he hasn't texted in a day. Are we over? Or is that just him being really busy? That kind of thing. Yeah, I don't know why the men of my generation are so bad at communication.

So I've had conversations with people where I'm like, you have if I text you, you have to text me back. Like you just you have to you pick up your phone. It's always in your hand. So I know you see it. Right. Right. But I did turn off the notifications on my phone because I watched this podcast. I watched a podcast. I watched a documentary called The Social Dilemma. You should watch it. It's on fucking Netflix. It is horrific.

It explains to you like why we're like addicted to our phones and like why notifications give you dopamine and shit. And like they've designed it for you to always be on it. So I took the notifications off my phone, but I still respond to people in, you know, a good amount of time. I don't know. I just, everybody's bad. Yeah. It's, I don't have any notifications on my phone except for texts and delivery apps. So I took the text notifications off and it's been liber liberal liberal liberating oh my god words are

hard uh can we talk about pcos real quick yes sure this is polycystic of what is it yeah polycystic ovary syndrome. Ooh, wow. So I didn't know it affects one out of fucking ten women. That's so many fucking women. I have no idea what it is. And maybe I have it? Who knows? I don't know.

The gynecologist would tell me? Yes. It's kind of hard to get diagnosed because like you kind of talked about a little earlier, people don't pay attention to women's pains and gripes and stuff. And especially when they're dealing with the menstrual cycle, they're just kind of like, oh, well, it's supposed to be miserable, but it's not supposed to be this bad. And so what that means is you have, you can get these cysts on your ovaries and then there's

like all this stuff that happens. And there could be an increase of testosterone, which is why a lot of women who have PCOS are very hairy. They have a mustache or a lot of chin hair, or they have hair around their nipples, excessive hair around their nipples and stuff like that. There's also a resistance to insulin. nipples and stuff like that. There's also a resistance to insulin. So that means we gain weight a lot quicker and inexplicably. And it's more difficult to lose that weight. And your periods are all weird and funky. There was a point in my life where I was literally

having one period a season. And that's like how I would know the seasons were changing. I would be like, okay, well, there's my period for spring. Wow. And it would be like eight days. I mean, eight days four times a year sounds like a dream. I mean, not when you're in the middle of it. Sure, sure.

Yes, I get it. It's just right sure sure yes i get it it's bad yes yes and um it can cause some infertility issues some women are um you know infertile and they just can't i don't know it takes a long time to get your doctors to pay attention to you about it and you have to go in and just kind of be like, can you check my thyroid? Can you check my hormone levels and all this kind of stuff and just keep talking to them? Because what they're going to do is just prescribe birth control pills. And when you get to a point that you no longer want to take the pill, then whatever. I found that the thing that you have to do is just say, hey, I think I want to start having kids.

Can you look at my works here and make sure everything is right? And that's when they take all your shit seriously is when you decide to be a baby factory. That's so fucking wild. Yeah. That sucks so bad. We pay so much for health insurance, healthcare,

and then they don't listen to you until you're like, I'm ready to become a mommy. Like, that's just so stupid. I I have you had that interaction with female gynecologists? Yes. Oh, dang. Yeah. There was one woman who just would not listen to me. And I had to be like, I've had my period since I was 12. I know what it's supposed to do and what it's not supposed to do. And I was like, your levels are a little high, but they're not in the area that we need them to be.

Maybe you should just lose some weight. And I'm like, I'm here partly because I am having this weight gain that I cannot explain. So you telling me to lose this weight doesn't help. Oh boy, that sucks. Yes, it is difficult. And, you know, of course, there are a lot of other like symptoms and stuff like that. People can, you know, do their Googles and look it up. But if they think that they may have it, if some of this stuff sounds familiar, you can either, like I said, just go in and say, hey, can we check for this?

Or you can say, hey, I think I want say hey can we check for this or you can say hey i think i want to start having babies but let's figure out this that sucks so much that you have to say that i'm thinking about having babies for someone to help you it's depressing so much of this world is just so fucking depressing yeah man boy. But what can you do? That's life. Yeah, you just got to live it, I guess. Yeah. So, Nicole, we've come to the end. And I ask all of my guests this. I think I've only missed it like twice. But would you date me? Of course. You're hilarious and cute and smart. Thank you. Thank you so much. Do you have any advice on how after the pandemic is done, how I should approach suitors? I think that you need to lob the idea out there. Like if you're talking to somebody and they haven't asked you out yet, just put it out

there. Like, you know, oh, wouldn't it be nice to do something this weekend? It's supposed to be nice this weekend. And if they don't grab that and be like, yeah, we should go out, then maybe, you know, move on. But just lob it out without asking. Just lob the idea out there. All right. Well, Nicole, do you have anything that you want to promote? I have my website, NicolePerkins.com, and that is N-I-C-H-O-L-E Perkins.com. Thursday Kit is retired right now, but the episodes are still available, and we would love for you to get your listen on you know i have a memoir coming out next year so be looking for that oh congrats thank you thank you um it's called sometimes i trip on how happy

we could be um it's a line from my favorite prince song if i was your girlfriend um but yeah that's that's what's going on do you have a date for when that's going to drop or no? No, not yet. Just fall. Early fall. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. This was so fun. Oh, thank you.

If you enjoyed this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like, you can subscribe, you can leave me a five-star review. And if you write something hitting on me saying something nasty, I will read it. So this nice person DM'd me on Instagram and said, I only just started listening to Why Won't You Date Me. So I'm still in the early 2019 episodes. And I hope you're still asking for this stuff. I want to stick my foot in your gaping wet pussy and wear you like a slipper. Walk around town with you flip-flopping all over the place

and coming at every stoplight. It's funny to wear me like a slipper and then walk in the street because I come at every stoplight. It's an interesting fantasy, and I thank you for sending it. Okay, that's it. Bye-bye. okay that's it bye bye this has been a team coco production