Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Wes from Nailed It is here! (w/ Weston Bahr)

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

Weston Bahr is on the podcast to discuss what it's like to be harassed by Nicole on Nailed It, creepy DMs he gets from fans, all the dick jokes they've had to cut from the show, and so much more in this gossip-filled episode.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single even though I will lick your butt cheeks, slap them together, and then giggle. Giggle!

My guest today, you know him, you love him, you've literally tweeted at me so many times for him to be on this podcast. It's Wes, the AD from Nailed It! Brr-brr-brr-brr! Wes! Hi. Hi, Wes. Hi. Hi, Wes. Hi. Okay.

How are you? Great. You? Okay. Let's talk about Nailed It real quick. Real quick. So I don't remember how it came to pass that you were like on the show. Oh, I remember very clearly.

It was the blocking day, like the day where we run through all the camera positions and where, where everybody's going to stand and we're kind of figuring out what the show is going to look like. And then I'm like, I'm, I'm the assistant director. So I got to, you know, I got to figure out where things are. Not a PA, not a grip. Yeah, I'm not, I want to make that very clear. I'm not a goddamn PA.

The only time I've thought about getting a Twitter account is to just go on there and correct people. I'm not a PA. I'm not a goddamn PA. The only time I've thought about getting a Twitter account is to just go on there and correct people. I'm not a PA. I'm not a motherfucking PA. Anywho. So I just have to figure out the flow of the show and where I'm cuing people in from. So it's like, well, where's the trophy coming from? Is it hidden beneath the table? Does it magically appear?

Like, well, let's make it. Because the original thought of the show is like, it's kind of a janky behind the scenes I mean that's what it is I mean it's pretty pretty janky so it's like well what like for the first episode

why don't you just like bring it out and I'm like yeah I'm fine with that like so I did it and then it became a full blown

thing do you love it do you hate it what are your thoughts it's just it's like I find like, like, it's funny. It's weird and embarrassing, especially because the whole, you know, the first and second season, the entire gag is that I'm terrible at my job. Like, it's the, my job is to get things done on time and have things ready.

And that's, whassup? Whassup? So, I just look like a giant dick? My job is to get things done on time and have things ready. And that's where's. Where's. So I just look like a giant dick. I don't think you look like a giant dick. I think maybe not even incompetent, just forgetful. That's incompetent if you're an assistant director, but it's fine. I guess so. It is very funny to me that people truly the amount that people tweet at me about you

is baffling. Also, it's not that hard to find you on social media. People are like, what's his Instagram handle? Honestly, if you pause it during the credits, you'll see your first and last name. And then you can just plug it into Instagram. Are you on private

or public? Public. Because I didn't switch it before the first season. And now it's like a bunch of people have added me, which is fine. It's cool. I've gotten a couple of graphic DMs. Have you really? Yeah.

Like what? There's like a lot of thirsty Midwestern wives and gay dudes out there who uh have written some pretty can you pull one up i i delete them oh you are no fun i show my wife we have a chuckle about it see wes is married that's another question i get is he single and i'm like ladies he wears a ring he doesn't take it off there's a ring on camera just look you gotta look you know uh where did you meet your wife we met at a random dive bar in los angeles the uh the drawing room i go there often i've yet to meet a single good person there um and then how long ago was that that was uh like almost seven years ago so you have you missed So you've, have you ever been on an app?

No, I've never been on an app. Never done the online dating. Never done the... What a fucking dream. You're very lucky. Yeah. Um, so was it like love? Are you okay talking about this?

Absolutely. Okay. Was it love at first sight? Was it like a grow to love or what was it? Tell me I've never been in love where someone loved me back. So just walk me through it. So, I mean, so I was dating somebody else when we met and she was actually at, like, I was at the bar with my now ex. Nothing scandalous happened. We literally just, the bar was full. She was, my wife now jess

was sitting at a table with her friends and they had a couple open seats so i walked up and said hey do you mind if we join you we sat like you know we all work in the entertainment we found out we all work in the entertainment industry we became like facebook friends like nothing happened okay um until uh i was doing this like travel show. I got back. My girlfriend and I broke up. I really liked Jess. I just thought she was a really cool person. Right before we broke up,

I hit her up to hang out as a group thing. My then-girlfriend had to bail. I met up with Jess, and one of her friends had a great time. Three days later, my girlfriend and I broke up. Who met up with jess and one of her friends had a great time and then like three days later my girlfriend and i broke up and then who broke up with who oh i got dumped oh no was she mean about it no she wasn't mean about it i've never dumped anyone i just did the sad hulk walking away with my bag of shit yeah were you living together? Yep. Oh, no. Was she like, we're done and you have got to go? No, it was implied because she owned everything in the apartment because I got rid of all

my shit when we moved in. So it was just implied. It was been like, yeah, you don't have anything here. So take your- So just take your clothes and leave. Yeah. How long did you guys live together? We lived together for, I don't know, like a year, I think.

Okay. And then before that, were you in a long-term relationship? Are you a serial monogamist? No. I didn't date anybody until, I don't know, until I was probably like 22, 23, 22. Why? I just didn't. Were you scared of the women's?

Well, I went to, the film school I went to was just nothing but bros. Okay. Just bros as far as the eye can see. I like lost my mojo there. Like I like forgot to talk, how to like talk to women when I went there. And I had to like get my self-confidence back after that. That makes sense. Where did you go to school?

It's, like I don't want to say the name of it. No, you don't have to say the name of the school. Is it here or out of state? No, it was in Florida. Oh, ew. Yeah, gross. God, Florida's the fucking worst. The worst.

The entire thing could sink into the ocean. We would all be better off. Truly. It's a garbage state. I just went to Naples, Florida. Some of the oldest people I've ever seen live there. Just like skeletons, like whispers of people. I hated it.

So you went to film school. So you didn't have a girlfriend in high school? No. Middle school? Nope. Elementary school. Just kidding. Can I ask you a very personal question?

Yep. When did you lose your virginity? 14. Oh, damn! 14 or 15. Maybe I was 15. So you fucked once and you were like, I'm done! I just didn't date anybody.

Oh, you were just fucking. Yeah, I mean. You were just in these streets breaking hearts. I don't want to make it sound like I'm just running around neck deep in poon 24-7. But I knew that I wasn't going to stay where I grew up. And I just didn't see the point of long-term dating. Fair. Because you grew up in Southern Illinois?

Just smack dab in the middle. Oh, in the middle. Yeah. It's all the same. If there's Chicago, there's the rest of the state. There's a shitload of corn. And that's pretty much it. And so I was in the part with a shitload of corn.

And you were just like, I can't stay here. Did you always know you wanted to be in entertainment? I just, I didn't know that you could, like, it just didn't seem like a feasible job. Like, it just didn't occur to me, like, that that's something that you could do. Because I'm just a simple country boy, you know? So it just didn't dawn, like I'd always been like obsessed with TV shows and movies and like would memorize comedies and standup specials and stuff like that and just always like loved it.

But it just never occurred to me that that's like a job that you could have. So until I was like, I was actually a law enforcement major my freshman year of college. You didn't want to be a cop? I didn't want to be a cop. I didn't want to be a cop. I didn't know what I wanted to do.

But, like, then I saw, like, future Wes, like, kicking the door of college Wes. Like, freeze, kid. Put down the joint in the chocolate milk. I know you want to watch Muppet Treasure Island and not hurt anybody, but I got to drag you off to jail. And you were like, can't do that. Yeah, I got out of that situation. Fair. Yeah, I don't know if I could be a cop. I'm very bad at being like were like, can't do that. Get out of that situation. Fair. Yeah,

I don't know if I could be a cop. I'm very bad at being like, guys, can you stop? I couldn't, I couldn't arrest somebody. You're not, I could,

I would not say that you're a very, like, I don't know. No, I get annoyed, but like, and I can be stern, but for the most part,

hey baby, life is fun. Easy breezy beautiful. You are a, I want everybody to know that you are a treat to work with no matter how much you yell and sexually harass me yeah you're a treat to work with do you think i sexually harass you it's a it's like in a joking way yes i don't mean it doesn't make the show yeah it's mainly like an inside joke between us and the crew. My favorite thing that didn't make the show, I said in an interview recently, was when

you were under the desk and you came up with the trophy. And I was like, Wes has been in my pussy the whole time. I was really sad that they didn't leave it in. Yeah. But I guess children. Which is weird because originally it was told to me, it was like, oh, this is like a late night. Is that what they told you? Like, not your mama's bacon show.

And then it was like, it's all like kid, I have buddies who are like, my kid knows who you are because they watch the show. It's weird. Yeah. Kids love me and I hate it. It's weird. This kid is target.

You are not kid friendly. I'm sure you would be nice to children like you wouldn't go around and punt a toddler. No, I'm not going to knock someone over. You say dick and pussy and all that shit a lot. Almost every sentence I'm talking about my pussy or how it wants to gobble a dick.

But yeah, they cut all of it out. But then I was like, of course you can cut around it we shoot for like 10 hours yeah watching people bake is really mind-numbing yeah but like after that i went to another unnamed baking show but it was like a serious baking show where it was like people like were actually like trying to do a good job and that shit is boring like i couldn't imagine ever doing that the crumble on this apple crumble is too crumbly where it's like ours is like that's just a molten hot piece of shit that you've made right there so do those people have to watch them bake too uh no they're

not out they're not out there during like the hosts are not out there during the show they get to go they get to go away yeah and i was like i think they swindled me in this because i didn't know a little bit yeah because like the first i don't know five days we were shooting i was like i shouldn't have to be out here but i guess that's how baking shows are man it is it really now i'm just like whatever i'll do it i'll play with jock i'll tell him dick jokes he'll giggle it'll be great but uh yeah the show's it's fun but wild very wild i i love working on the show i the crew is amazing it's really fun. I feel like I'm laughing all day.

It can be stressful at times. It's busy for me, but it's good. It keeps you sharp and focused in the day. What do you do? You have this headset. You have three different fucking walkie-talkie thingies. Who all are you who all are you talking to so i've got a walkie in my left ear that's uh on the ad and like casting channel so my second ad is on there who i'm like talking to about making sure interviews are still

running and is that nick yeah nick okay uh and making sure interviews are going you know like he keeps me updated on interviews on the food food beauties, the secret chef stuff, and then, and also just, like, schedule stuff moving forward. I've also got the casting guy, Will, on there. So I'm telling him to, like, move the, you know, move the cast, take the cast, get them out, get them to rules. And I've got my lock-up PAs on that channel. On the other ear, I'm on with producers, like the guys in the booth.

That must be so confused or annoying. It's like, it's, what sucks is like, then I've got a third one that goes over one ear that's aligned to the director and all the camera operators. Oh my God. Yeah. So that's three different. How awful. I just have one person in my ear who I ignore sometimes.

I'm like, nope, not doing that. But for the most part, I'll say what he wants me to say. But sometimes I'm like, no. Yeah, sometimes there might not be a joke that you know will end. I don't want to say that. No, no, no, no. What do I want to know? Okay, so you've been married for seven.

You've been married for seven years or together for seven years? No, I met her seven years ago. We've been together for six and married for coming up on two. Where did you get married? We got married in Washington State in the Olympic Peninsula on Lake Crescent. Is that where she's from? No, we took our first trip together there and just kind of like drove around the Pacific, the Olympic Peninsula.

The Olympic Peninsula. And camped and hiked and we found this incredible lake. It was just like, and so we stopped and spent like an afternoon there. And just, it was just a very special afternoon. I can remember it very clearly. And then it turns out that there's this amazing wedding venue there. That's like, it's a,

it's a, like during the week, it's like a summer camp for like inner city kids. And then they do weddings on the weekend. And so we took over the place for the, like this like camp for the weekend. It was amazing. I like that.

So this inner city camp is fueled by nice white people having weddings pretty much so your money went to a good cause that's nice quest always helping the blacks i mean you help me out at work so it's true i get you coffee now and again you get me coffee almost every day or someone gets me coffee and then you bring it yeah i take it off i take it from them from a nice pa and then give it to me credit for it which is very nice uh i love all the camera operators on our show yeah well there was one episode where we had a guest judge who he was a curious man and i kept looking at him in a weird way and then rob was like you

gotta fix your face and i was like what do you mean he's like i'll do the face you're doing when he's saying something wild and i was like oh no so then it became a thing where he would just be like fix it i'm like oh okay because i don't realize what i'm doing with my face sometimes yeah especially when someone's being wild. Let's see. What else do I want to know about your relationship? Because I've never been in a real one. How did you know that your wife was the person that you wanted to marry? I knew, like, I'd say six months in, I knew that I was going to marry her.

We dated for another, like, two and a half before I proposed. Well, like, three and a half before I proposed. Well, like three and a half before I proposed. But yeah, it was about six months in when it was. It was just this like feeling that set in. It was just like she's the one. This is the woman I want to spend my life with. That's so nice. It's pretty fucking sweet.

How did you propose? It was like when we went on a vacation we were in um iceland and at the top on the top of a waterfall we went on a hike and it was romantic as shit i wanted to my own horn but you know no toot it that's nice so how did you know what ring to get her uh i enlisted the help of her best uh two of her best friends did she know it was coming and did she just act surprised no because I'm dumb and I like purposely

like try to like throw her off before we went cause like I'm like hey oh I thought you meant off the waterfall I was like wait Wes no you pretended to push her then got on a knee you know attempted to murder her and then slit a ring on it throw her off the trail she would not have seen that no so I like I like before we left I'm like hey I just want to say this like I know that like a lot of people have

expectations when couples take international trips and this is our first one together and I just don't want you to feel like let down I don't want there to be any pressure so just I just want you to know to like you know like don't want there to be any pressure. So just, I just want you to know to like, you know, like don't expect that. Well, then she's going to expect something. No, she took it. No, she got a little upset and we had this kind of fight about it.

And like, I had already bought the ring at this point. It was with her best friend. And so he called, like she called, you know, she called her best friend clay to talk about it um and then he called me the next day and was like just basically laughing at me smart man that is very funny to do that before you propose don't expect anything from me um i'm not gonna have shit for you nothing's gonna And then I'm going to push you off a waterfall. What did she say when you were like, well, okay, what did you say exactly?

When I proposed? Yeah, was it just, will you marry me? Or were you like, you're the light of my life and your titties are nice. It was something, I don't remember the exact words, but it was something like, it was the former. Not your titties are nice? No, it was like, you're the light was the former not your titties are nice no it was the it was like the you're the lead of my life and your titties are nice and the whole yeah when someone proposes to me i really hope they're like oh your titties are nice and sweet and i love sucking up on them you pussy gushy it's because you're romantic nicole i want someone to be real nasty what was your first

impression of me when we started working together did you think i was wild i thought you were i thought you were wild um i it was like uh i mean i i thought you were hilarious i uh i thought we got along from the uh from the beginning and um and it was just it was it was just weird for me to be in that situation to be like on camera like be doing my job and then like feel the cameras like pivot over my direction. It's weird. It's very funny. I think it's

so funny because like you won't smile on camera but then you smile immediately after the camera's off of you. Well and you do this thing where you ask me questions that i can't answer because i'm not wearing a microphone so i'm like this like weird silent bob character and you like ask me like you're like like i'll be carrying five things like where are you from where i can't answer that right now but you can they'll just

have you do adr later ad ADRs, have you? No, you've never done ADR. No. It sucks. Yeah. You watch yourself, and then you have to, like, match your mouth to it, but then you watch it later, and you're like, that didn't match. That didn't match.

That person just gave up on me. Pretty much. Making it match. I hate ADR. I hate post-production of anything. It's long and tedious and stupid. Let's see. What else do I want to know about you, Wes?

Oh, wait. Let's see. People on Twitter have asked questions about you. I should have brought this up, or I should have gone through this earlier. But I didn't, because guess what, Wes? This is how I roll. Unprepared. People, because I This is how I roll. Unprepared.

People, because I, I'm not going to lie. I'm sure it sounds vain, but I've searched it. I've looked up on that because I don't have a Twitter account, but I've looked on the Twitter and said what people have twatted at us. Here's a tweet. They ship us, Nicole. They want us to go on a ship together. Which is wild because you wear a tweet. They ship us, Nicole. They want us to go on a ship together. Which is wild because you wear a ring. Okay, so five days ago, someone said, Wes is the most underrated television star to date.

Goddamn right. Who else has a crush on the techie Wes from the show Nailed It? Let's see. You just need Wes from Nailed It to clean up all your messes, which is, Dream Man, Wes from Nailed It. I'm now in, somebody called me a muscle poodle. And it's now my name in my wife's phone. That's very funny. Muscle poodle.

Muscle poodle. Well, because, yeah, you got a head full of curly hair is it receding pull your hair back oh no not at all i thought you were like oh no it's all gone oh no no you have a full head of hair oh wait we have to take a break. And we're back. Okay, Wes, we were talking about your hair. It's curly. It's full.

Does your daddy have full hair? He went bald pretty early, actually. Oh, so is the hair from your mom's side of the family? I don't know. I'm not a scientist, Nicole. I can't answer those questions. Well, I am. It's from your mom. Okay. Are your parents still living? Mom'm not a scientist, Nicole. I can't answer those questions. Well, I am. It's from your mom.

Okay. Are your parents still living? Mom, yes. Dad, no. Oh, dang. That's sad. When did Daddy West pass? Three years ago.

Oh, so it's still probably fresh. We'll bet. We won't talk about it. My parents have been dead for a while. So, ooh, ooh. Ooh, I love making jokes about being an orphan. I will make jokes about it. And my best friend, Sasheer, will be in a mixed group. And I'll make a joke about my dead parents.

And she'll laugh hysterically. And someone will be like, oh, my god. Like, too hard. That's like, what? And then she's like, no, you don't know. I've known her for like 10 10 years she says shit like this all the time and she's awful that's just her uh it's one of my favorite things to make jokes about because people just get so sad about it where does your mom live does she live in uh she is still in illinois yeah do you have siblings? Are there West siblings? I have a half-sister. And then I had an older brother who was two years older than me, and he passed away as well.

Okay. Oh, baby. Super dark. We got so much death in the West house. Okay. How long ago was that? Two and a half years ago. Oh, even fresher

We won't talk about that Are you close to your sister? Yeah Is she, does she look like you? Not really I think she took it She took it after more of my dad And I think I look more like my mom

Me and my sister look nothing alike What's the age difference? A year and a half. You're the older one or the... I'm the younger one, but she was known in high school as Nicole's sister because guess who's louder?

She's five foot nothing, loves Jesus, and about 140 pounds. And she is quieter than a mouse. The polar opposite of you. She's so quiet. And she's like, I love Jesus. Because you hate Jesus. I hate Jesus.

I love screaming. I love gobbling dicks. And she's like, I love Jesus. Dicks are fine. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to not be loud. My mother used to be like, I wish you and your sister don't know how to not be loud. My mother used to be like, I wish you and your sister were just like half of each other and then put together because then you'd be the perfect person.

And I'm like, hey, don't do that. I'm fucking perfect the way I am. Then she died. So she got hers. Let's see. Wes, how long have you been in AD? For four years now. Yeah. Four or five years. Then what were you before? A PA? Yeah, I was

working my way up. I started like I've worked on some terrible independent movies and as an unpaid PA or boom operator and the guy who holds the microphone or I've washed dishes on Top Chef as a PA. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's nice. Those magical elves rewarded you. That's the production company, Magical Elves, which I think is a strange name because aren't elves inherently magical? It's a redundant name. I'm not going to say anything because they hire me for stuff. Oh, I mean, they pay me tons of money, but I'd say that to their face. I'd be like, you should just be Magical or Elves. Not Magical Elves.

It is a bit of a redundant name. Right? But great company. They are a good company. Great people. Keep hiring me. Dan and Dan are two great people who truly let me do whatever I want. They throw a hell of a Christmas party, too.

Do they? I have not been. Yeah, I'll make sure you be my plus one this year. Free booze? Mm-hmm. be my plus one this year free booze oh baby i love free booze i really love free booze do you run into this when there's like free food or free booze you're like gotta load up i'm not paying for it yeah yeah then you're like too drunk you're like why did i do this you're like because it was free yeah or if it's like you know if it's like an all you can-can-eat buffet, like all-you-can-drink thing, and you've paid

money for it, I'm going to overeat and overdrink. Yes. Because I spent my hard-earned dollars on it, and I can have as much as I want. Yes. So I'm going to shove some egg rolls in my pocket for the road. Do you do that? I have done that. I used to bring a Ziploc bag with me to buffets, and I would fill it with things that weren't goopy,

and then I would take it home and eat it later. Purse snacks. That's what I call it. A purse snack. Oh, fuck. I was going to say something, and I cannot remember. Oh, what's your favorite drink, Wes? I'm a beer guy.

I like good beers Oh so like a Pabst Blue Ribbon? Or like a Coors Light? Or like a Bud Light? Or a High Life? Miller High Life? I like knocking back some foamers, some Natty Ices I like beer, I like scotch Love red wine

Yeah beer, scotch, red wine Pretty much I cannot drink red wine because My dad used to drink red wine before he became a dead person. And he just had like a case of red wine in the house. So I would just drink it because, you know, if you have a case, you're not noticing when a bottle goes missing. And one day I drank two full bottles, passed out, puked in my sleep, woke up, and I didn't have my contacts in. And I was like, what is this goop in my bed?

And I was like, in it? And I was like, oh, no, I think this is puke. And then I put my glasses on. I was like, you were playing puke. And then I like washed my sheets and was like, I guess I don't drink red wine anymore. And I have had maybe four glasses since then. And that was in 2007 and what's your so what's your drink of choice now you're rosé spritzer i like rosé because it tastes

good in the summer i also like a vodka soda and the brand i like is smirnoff. Natural. Very, very natural. I don't know when those ads will roll out, but I got to work with Ted Danson. What a fucking dream. Yeah. Oh my God. And I think he's my best friend. I'm jelly.

I'm not gonna lie. We had a great time. Let's see. I want to know more about your relationship. Okay. So you guys seem to travel a lot. Uh, yeah. And it's just the two of you when you travel most of the time?

Yeah, usually. Do you find that so much time together is, like, do you ever get on each other's nerves, like, when you're traveling? I think, yes. each other's nerves like when you're traveling i think yes there's i i feel like it depends on like the vacation that we're doing um because we like we just got back from japan and this was it wasn't like a like a like it wasn't like a beach and a book vacation like we were like in the subways in tokyo and taking the bullet trains and flights to hokkaido and like we had a car situation fall through and then we just became a giant pain in the ass like trains buses taxis biking and um and she's that's why I love my wife is because she is the best person to do that where um we would just like you know

we'll just we'll figure it out together and I feel like we before we take trips we'll like we'll look at each other and give the whole like, listen, this is going to get stressful. There's going to be times where, you know, like we're going to be snippy because there's that, you know, there's the, there's the whole like, we're spending all this money. We're going on vacation. We just got everything's got to be perfect. It's like, you got to fucking let that go and say like, shit's going to go wrong and we're going to get on the wrong train or miss a flight or whatever.

And like, we're just going to roll with. And we're going to say it nice. That's the biggest thing. It's like I'm going to say it nice if I've got something to like something I need you to do or wish you were doing. I'm just going to fucking take the extra second and say it nicely. And that makes a huge difference. That's nice. I know you just said nice. And I'm saying that's nice.

But I think it's a nice thing to do even with like a friend. and I'm saying that's nice, but I think it's a nice thing to do, even with like a friend. If you're gonna travel with a friend or something, to just nicely be like, hey, if we had left an hour earlier, we may have made that.

And it's not me being passive aggressive. I'm just saying the next time I say we should go, we should go. I'm bad at that. I miss flights all the time because my favorite thing is to get to an airport, walk up to the plane, sit down and take off. And have no wait time.

I am the exact opposite. I am the guy who still shows up like two hours before. For like a domestic flight? Even like for a domestic flight. I don't care. I don't want to stress. I'll have seven beers at the bar and then fall asleep on the flight. I don't care. But like I don't want to stress.

I get places early. I show up on time. Because I care, Nicole. And you don't care. I guess I don't give two fucks. No, you don't care, but I don't want to stress. I get places early. I show up on time because I care, Nicole, and you don't care. I guess I don't give two fucks. No, you don't. Also, I'll adjust cars. Netflix will be like, here's a car for this time. And I'll be like, ah, we're going to leave a little later because I want to sleep. And then I make drivers wait because I'm the boss. Which is something I've said out loud numerous times.

Because I am the boss. No, but I just. You're kind of a big deal. No, I'm not a big deal. I'm mildly successful. But I just don't understand why we all need to be so early. Wes, I want you to go through my Tinder and tell me what's good and bad about it. Okay.

Okay. And you have to describe what you see because it's a podcast. Yes. I see a picture of, is it Kim Kardashian on the right? Topless eating ramen. And I see you on the left,

topless eating ramen, same pink hair, same juxtaposition. And it's amazing. It's incredible. Do you like things on Tinder? Is there a like button? You can't like on Tinder, Grandpa Wes.

Okay. I'm swiping over. I see you making like a pineapple hat, and you've got a big drink. You next to an adorable little pink car. Let's see i love the picture of you in the onesie climbing the bookcase it just shows your it shows your versatile side you know it's like i'm fun well i figure i gotta show my body because it's like a lot of fat ladies will be like if i just show my face i think that's enough it's like you gotta let people know if you're a little bigger. Yeah, that it's like, I mean, if you're upfront about it and comfortable with it, I just feel

like that there's, you know, that way somebody is not showing up with an expectation and being like, oh. I guess a wellness fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage. It's good because you do a cake show. Yeah, baby. And I figure I put that up recently. It's good. Bad cakes.

They're all shitty. Nice contestants. Shitty cakes. Lovely people. Poopy pastries. My favorite is when they walk past the mark and you're like, no, no. We just went over this. Very funny because it's my first time seeing them and i

never see you go over things with them so i'm like what are we telling people like what is happening no i i i show them and we go through it several times it was a whole process perfect yeah but then again it's like sometimes sometimes i yell at them for your benefit because i know you're gonna giggle out of it it's funny but i get it like a camera's on you. Sometimes I yell at them for your benefit because I know you're going to giggle out of it. It's funny. But I get it. Like a camera's on you and you're like, I've never been on camera like this before. And there's eight fucking cameras. But anywho, yeah.

So would you swipe right on that? Totes would swipe right on this. You look adorable. Yeah! You got a cute little doggy in one. Oh, man. Yeah, it's great. You have a, so is it like, I guess the wildest fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage. Is that the only thing in your profile?

There's not like a, I like mountain biking. I dislike Republicans. I feel like that shit you could talk about on a first date, so I don't have that there. I used to have a bunch of acronyms. Like I said, you should know, I'm a thot. The happiest out there. Which made me laugh really hard when I wrote it. And then another one was, I'm USA.

Usually sitting around. And then the other one was, I'm a PYT. Probably yodeling tonight and nobody responded to any of them nobody was like can i hear you yodel because then it'd be like oh yeah i'll yodel i'll yodel right on your dick dotaling is what that's called dotaling dick yeah i'm a doddle right all over you. But yeah, I don't know. If you're a man, but you're married, what would you like a woman to say to you as like a first interaction thing? Like pretend you're not married. Pretend Jess gets sucked up into a vortex and time has passed. You're okay with it and you're at peace.

Okay. So the healing process has happened and I'm ready to get back out there. It's like five years since you got sucked up. The family and friends that have, you know, guarded me through this terrible tragedy, but now I'm ready to get out there. Yeah. Okay.

What would you want a woman to say to you as like an opening line? I got nothing. I think like someone just being direct and be like, I think your handsome would like to buy you a beer. I'm like, I would be like,

well, that's very sweet of you to say. You don't think that's too forward? No. Okay. All right. There's too much cutting around shit. That's why I'm glad I'm not doing the fucking dating app thing,

especially in this city. Like LA is like the worst, like everybody here, I feel like has like fucking FOMO. Like they're afraid to commit to anything because there could be like, if I say I'm coming to your birthday party, like what if I get like this audition or there's a cooler party or something like that? And like, people are just so afraid to be like, yes, I said I'm going to your birthday party. Like, what if I get like this audition or there's a cooler party or something like that?

And like, people are just so afraid to be like, yes, I said, I'm going to do this. And so I'm going to be there. If I show up and I'm hung over who gives a shit, I'm going to roll my ass out of bed and show up because I said I would.

And so there's this huge, just like fucking FOMO slash, I don't know if it's laziness or what. Um, but like with, with dating and now that the apps are out there, like it's gotta be 10 times worse. It's like, well, I could go on a date with this girl, but like, with dating and now that the apps are out there, like, it's got to be ten times worse. It's like, well, I could go on a date with this girl. But, like, what if this, like, Hottie with Tiggs is, like, you know, one swipe away.

And then I'm going to miss out on that because I said yes to this. And that just sounds like a pain in the dick in this town. It is. It's awful. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but it's like getting worse. And just like my experience on these apps,

like two years ago, people would be like, yes, let's go out. Now they're just like, I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe. And now I'm getting a lot of like, let me show you my dick.

And I'm like, I don't want it. In a picture form. In person, slap me with it. I don't care. But like a picture, what am I going to do with a picture form in person slap me with it I don't care but like a picture what am I going to do with a picture of someone's dick I'll say great I'm glad you have one who cares

yeah it's very very tough and I don't like it do you have single friends I do Wes why won't you set me up with a friend sure will you yeah oh I do. Wes, why won't you set me up with a friend? Sure. Will you? Let's do it.

Yeah. Oh, what a dream. Will you really? Yeah. I moved out here and have a very awesome core group of friends. And they're all pretty goddamn dashing young gentlemen. Are they employed? Yes. Are they employed? Yes.

Are they attractive? Yeah. Do they watch Nailed It? Probably not. Great. I have not seen a full episode of Nailed It. Don't worry about it. Yeah.

I watched like one from each season to be like, how did they cut this together? Yeah. Do I look stupid? Because they have so much footage. And then the first season, they very much did not tell me what was funny and what was not funny. Do you think they're ever going to come out with, like, a super dick remix where it's just, like, fucking every single dick joke that you've ever said? I asked the Netflix publicity person who works on our show, Sarah. I was like, can you ask the editors to super cut all my nasty jokes?

Super dick mix. She was like, I'll try. And I was like, try harder? I would love if they did that. But I don't think they will because I think it would be too easily mistakeable. I don't know.

A kid will find it and be like, why does she talk about her pussy so much? I don't know Like a kid will find it And be like Why does she talk about her pussy so much Yeah I don't know Scar those little bastards for life They Like I was in Target

And this little girl was like You're the cake lady And I was like Ugh Yeah I still just can't get over Like the children watch that show Cause like

Yeah Cause you're there And you know what I'm saying Oh I'm there Do you know how many Like saying oh i'm there i do you know how many like fucking fondant penises i've picked up that you've made the answer is 37 oh i love a fondant penis or a modeling dick penis and jacques likes them jacques is always like this is accurate um can we just take can i just take a second to say that jacques torres is

like the kindest the nicest nicest man I've ever met. The nicest person on the planet. I would stick him in my pocket. He's adorable. If he could be my surrogate uncle or French uncle, I would love that. I would love it too. Yeah. He's genuinely so nice.

Yeah. Just a quick shout out to him because he's a fucking peach. He's got to do my podcast too. I'll get through everybody. I nailed it. I'm very excited about this aspect of being set up with one of your friends. Do I get to choose which friend or do you choose which friend? I feel like I've got to see where everybody's at as far as current relationship statuses.

Okay. Plug it into a matrix. Uh-huh. There's going to be a couple formulas and then we'll figure it out. When will this happen for me? How long do I have to wait? I don't know.

Let me ask around. I'll get back to you on Monday. This is incredible, Wes. I'm thoroughly happy that we're talking because it's honestly, it's been like a nightmare because people lately have just been like,

I like your work. And I'm like, well, cool. Like, I'm very happy that you like it, but. You're a person with needs. Yeah, and I need to suck a dick. I need to suck a dick. I don't need to. I mean, if I died without sucking another one,

I'd be fine. Yeah, yeah. But you know, you gotta suck one to get so much on that puss. Wes, it's a question I ask all of my guests. If you weren't married, would you date me? Yes, but not right away, because I feel like when two characters in a TV show get together too early in a season, there's no you know, like there's no drama afterwards. Like,

so we got to keep them guessing, you know, we got to, there's gotta be like a, you've got to get in a serious relationship. And then I'll be like watching from far. So I would have to get into a relationship with like Rob, the camera guy.

Exactly. And then, and then I would sabotage it. And then we would get together in like season eight. Fair. I feel like. I mean, season eight, that is a lot of cakes that I'd sabotage it. And then we would get together in like season eight. Fair. I feel like. I mean, season eight. That is a lot of cakes that I'd have to eat.

That's a shitload of cakes. But I mean, I think my mortgage would be paid off by then, which would be cool. Wes, do you have any questions you want to ask me? Well, give me the worst date you've had in the last just like six months say the worst date yeah i haven't been on a date in six months you haven't been on a date in six months do you like do you i mean do you feel like because you're a comedian and it's like because i would admit like to me it would be a little intimidating. It'd be intimidating to go out with a comic, like, someone who's, like, super funny and outgoing. And I feel like it'd be, like, a weird thing where you'd feel like you have to, like, match it or, I mean, I don't know.

I just, I could see that being intimidating. I had a dude say that on this podcast. This guy, EJ Woborski. I peed on his floor. It's a great episode. He said that he felt like he had to keep up with me and he was like, I didn't think I was going to be able to. So I guess that's a thing. But also just be boring and then you'll get some dick.

Yes. Just be a boring person. I don't need someone to keep up with me. If anything, I would love just a small little mousy man who's like, there she is. I really like it. She's just going to keep talking. I'll be here. Yes, I like it very much.

This is good for me. Like, I don't need anyone to be, like, up there with me being funny. Well, I also feel like that might be a little annoying. What? Like, if you felt like you were constantly, like, competing for the, I don't know. Yeah, and that's like dating other comics, depending on like where they are in their careers. It could be like, oh, we're just trying to get like the next thing. And it's a competition.

That doesn't seem like fun. And then like after shows like I don't have chuckle fuckers. There's nobody after a show who's like, ooh, let's fuck. I have never heard that term before. And it's amazing. Chuckle fucker. Men get them. I have never heard that term before, and it's amazing. A chuckle fucker. A chuckle fucker. Usually a woman.

Chuckle fucker. Who will fuck any comedian, whether he looks like a dumpster or a human being. She is just happy to be with a funny man. Women. Again, I feel like it's because of the fragile male ego that it's different for women. Like, oh, he's not good looking, but he plays a guitar. It's like he's not great looking, but he's can make me laugh. Yeah, exactly.

But like I feel like the male ego is just like can't handle that. They're not. I don't know. You know, they're they're just intimidated. You're you're kind of fucking scary. I guess. I don't think I'm scary, but I'm me isn't yet i don't know who coined the term chuckle fucker is the uh is the um like the stand-up comic scene is there a lot of

like hookups like in that world because i feel like there's yeah because like it's very incestuous crew side is the same thing where it's just like you're spending, like a lot of people get, they're called showmances. A lot of people meet their significant others on shows. You're with these people for 12 to 16 hours a day, five to seven days a week, months at a time. But I feel like all crew members are married. Like every camera operator I've ever worked with has been married or in a relationship.

Uh, yeah, I mean, like, they're, it depends on the show. Like, what kind of show

you're doing. Any show, scripted, unscripted, they're all fucking married. I have yet to meet, unless they're like a real weirdo,

I have yet to meet anyone in my age range who is single. And I think it's because they're in a union prettyo. I've yet to meet anyone in my age range who is single. And I think it's because they're in a union pretty early. They make steady money. And they're like, oh, I can get married. I make good money. Why not settle down?

Maybe have a kid. I don't know. That's just my experience. So I stopped looking at work. And now I'm just floating around. Well, I've also just been really busy. So I stopped looking at work and now I'm just floating around. Well, I've also just been like really busy. Like I've just been like in New York and like doing shows and like this week I've had a show like every night and it's like I don't have like I don't have time. You are a hustler.

Like you told me that you were going to go do like a show after we finished filming one day and I was like blown away because I went home and like cried because I was exhausted well that was because I left my manager right before we started shooting and he didn't tell me when we were starting so I didn't know we were starting like that Monday so I didn't cancel any of my shows for that week

and then the next week I was like oh it's not that bad doing shows after shooting I'll just do some more shows. Also, I got some new material those two weeks. So I was like, actually, it was kind of helpful. And then you learn how to perform like on fumes where you're like, I'm tired. Did I say this? I don't know.

And it's just it was interesting. But yeah, I do hustle. I hustle hard because no one's just going to give me anything. I'm a fat black woman. Like no one's just going to give me anything. I'm a fat black woman. No one's dying to give me these things. I have to go be like, come on, give it to me. Give me what I want. So I just, I try.

And you work. You work a lot. Yeah. You're a little hustler. Yeah. All right, Wes. We've come to the end. The end of our time together.

The end of the podcast. Wes. Do you want to keep being friends in real life, though? Yes, let's be friends. Do you have anything you want to promote? No, I'm not. I'm not an actor or a public figure of any sort. Well, you could promote world peace.

Sure. What's your favorite television show? I mean, I'm catching up on The Handmaid's Tale right now. Okay. It's pretty good. I mean, other than that, I'm just like a nerd who likes Game of Thrones and reads a bunch of those books. Everyone continue to watch Game of Thrones and Handmaid's Tale. For me.

So Wes can have his content. Do I have anything to promote? I don't know. You might have something that. I do. I'm working on a tell-all nailed it book. Oh my God. That would be.

Really behind the scenes. Truly a dream. It'd be like six pages long. I'd be like, this is wild. Oh, gross. Okay. So if you like, this is wild. Oh, gross. Okay. So if you like Why Won't You Date Me and you like this episode, rate it five stars on iTunes. And if you want to see my Tinder profile, you can go to my Facebook page, which is Nicole Byer Comedy.

But if you like the podcast, rate it five stars. And if you leave me a nasty uh comment i'll read it on the podcast so uh ashley jay said nicole are you a rare steak because i'd eat you even if you're bleeding which is disgusting and i love it okay this person cloacaine c-aine, C-H-L-O-C-A-I-N-E, said, Nicole, please put your butt in me while I chug your jugs. I want to burrow inside your nice warm puss and live there until I perish. Then I want you to queef me out into the sun. Graphic and specific.

I just like that I would queef someone out into the sun. Yeah. Because that means I'd have to like sit with my legs open, wait for the queef, and then be like, goodbye. Can you queef on cue? Is that like a thing that you can do? Yeah. Yeah? I have to be in a certain position though, but yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Jess could probably queef on cue. I don't know these things. I'm going to ask. When you get home, ask her. And then, this is graphic, but if you're like hitting her doggy style, she will queef. Yeah.

But I just thought it was, I didn't know if it was a thing you were like. Some can do it on command. Okay. I mean, I would say it would work maybe like 47% of the time. That's not bad. Thank you. A little bit, half of the time, you know. But sometimes, you know, but also like who's trying to queef?

Queefing sometimes is embarrassing. We're like, my pussy just farted. I'm so sorry. But then it's like not a pussy fart because air is just getting trapped in your puss. That's what a queefing sometimes is embarrassing where you're like my pussy just farted I'm so sorry but then it's like not a pussy fart because air is just getting trapped in your puss that's what a queef is but then I guess that's what a fart is air is trapped in your butt

our bodies are wild they're very weird we need to get a scientist on here to talk about queefs and get down to the bottom of it yes but I think I just did I think it's air in your You need to get a scientist on here to talk about queefs and get down to the bottom of it. Yes. But I think I just did. I think it's air in your puss.

Wes, thank you very much for doing this episode of my podcast, even though, have you ever done a podcast before? No. No. So this is your first time podcasting. How was it? Did you hate it? No, it was great. I had a great time.

I started with the headphones on. Yes. And that was like, and then you started shouting. I took the headphones off immediately. I'm very sorry. That and I would think, I would hear the sound of my own voice and be like self-conscious about it. Well, there's no reason to be self-conscious. You're a good question answerer. And you were interesting.

This has been great thank you Wes watch Nailed It bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.