Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - What's it Like to Finally Date a Good Guy (w/ Michaela Watkins)

Episode Date: November 29, 2019

Michaela Watkins (SNL, The Unicorn, Big Mouth) has been boy crazy her whole life. She discusses the hot kids they were into, shares why her husband proposed with a t-shirt, and her mom's "orgies" with students.Plus, Nicole admits she's never said "I Love You" to anyone.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you can push me down a flight of stairs, I'd still date you. My guest today, you know her from SNL, the movie The House, Casual, Catastrophe, Good Boys, Transparent, Big Mouth, The Unicorn,

so many things. Michaela Watkins! Woo! Thank you so much for doing this. Oh my gosh, my pleasure. My pleasure. It's a real treat. Also, you look very nice.

Oh, I do? Yes. Guys, if you're just tooting in, I'm wearing a blue jumpsuit with a denim tinge. I've got myself a 1980s tree torn. Thank you so much. I was at a political fundraiser, guys. Yeah, that was happening. Katie Hill had her seat ripped away through revenge porn.

That was really crazy. Yeah. And I truly didn't fully understand it. So somebody had nude pictures of her. Her ex-husband. Released. Oh, her ex-husband did this? Well, helped the alt-right wing of our political wing assist them. Something called Red State

published them. It really is like revenge porn. He took these pictures that weren't his to take and disseminated them into this site. The people who had their hands on it

and probably paid for it did so illegally. I mean, I just hope they all really go to jail. But I don't get why she had to resign because, like, everybody gets naked. I mean, everybody does, but they were putting up posters of naked posters all over her hometown. Like, her parents had to be ripping these posters down.

Oh, dang. Her sister's business was getting trolled really bad. It just shows the difference, the huge swath of difference between what happens to men when they have a transgression and what happens to women. Women get crucified. Crucified. That's really awful. Yeah. And to me, I'm like, she had to resign and then the other people, they should have gotten in trouble.

And they probably will. I mean, I think that's coming. Oh, okay. Yeah, but, and they should. You know, they're very, it's just like a new low. You know, I thought we hit all the lows. And then they're just like, no, we have new lows. It's going to keep coming on in.

Yeah, we found some more lows for you. It's very depressing. Michaela, you are married. But the upshot is Christy Smith, who's running to take her seat, is incredible. She's like 20 years older, but she's been doing this a long time. And the only way that Katie Hill would step down was if Christy would swoop in and try to maintain that seat blue and with a woman. And she was like, if she promises to run, I would do it.

And she agreed to do it. Politics is not fun. No, it's not fun. And it's really like eating into my fun. It's like it's eating into my health. It's eating into my fun. It's like it's eating into my health. It's eating into my pocket. It's eating into my job because it's like I'm spending all this other time doing that, you know, when I should be, you know, just gardening or finding some old lady crafts. Oh, my God, you'd appreciate this.

I was knitting the other day and I'm in Ojai in Ohio a lot and this woman came in and said oh are you a hold on your hat here she said oh are you a fiber artist a fiber artist I've never heard of a fiber artist I know there's something for everybody are you a fiber artist oh are you a fiber artist oh well actually i am well i guess i am now yeah before i thought i was knitting a sweater fibers yeah so mikaela yeah you are married i am and how long have you been married i've been married uh about seven years and then how long have you been together total? We met on 10-10-10. So we...

That's cute. Isn't that cute? And so I guess nine years ago. Okay. Yeah. Where did you guys meet? We met at a brunch. We met at a brunch at a friend...

I didn't know the guy. Actually, we have a really romantic story if you really want to split hairs on this one. I do. Okay. I'm going really romantic story if you really want to split hairs on this one. I do. Okay. I'm going to just tell you this really fun part. I was always like – I had about three years where I was either trying to get out of a relationship or into this relationship or heartbroken from a relationship or heartbroken. Like I had been engaged and I kind of blew that up. And then I was like – thought I made a huge mistake, and I was dating this other guy.

And it was really, you know, explosive and very volatile. Not like physically volatile, but, you know, like emotionally volatile. And every day we were like, should we break up or go to breakfast like it was just you know um it was just so it was it was really the opposite of what my engagement like person i was engaged to which was very calm you know sort of boring um but lovely he's a great person he's my good friend now but anyway i come out the other side of of three years of this like topsy-turvy, didn't know where I was coming or going. And I decided the one thing I forgot to do was be a slut. Like I was always in relationships that I forgot that I should probably be a

big fat slut. And I mean, even in high school I had boyfriends, like I was sort of a serial monogamist. And so I was like, well, I'm going to be a slut. And so then somebody said like, do you want to go to brunch at this?

My manager called and said, there's this guy I want you to meet. He's really wonderful. I don't know why, but I just feel like you need to know each other. I think you'll work together or something. I don't know what it is, she said, but you can't date because I love him and I love you. If it didn't work out, it would be really bad for me. And I was like, well, I don't want to date him. But the weird thing is I happened to be reading an article about that guy right at that moment.

His name is Josh Radner. He was a How I Met Your Mother guy. And he made a film and I was reading an article. I'm like, that's so weird. I'm just sitting here reading an article about this guy in this movie. Anyway, I don't know him, but I go to his house and that's where I meet my husband and my, all my dreams and fantasies. And that not in that moment, cause it took me a while to sort of come around to dating him. Cause he's a really awesome guy. And I was like, not on the prowl for awesome guys. I was on the prowl for dirty,

not on the prowl for awesome guys. I was on the prowl for dirty, filthy guys who were self-centered narcissist guys. That, you know, like one and done guys, you know? And so it took me a bit, but I never got to be a slut because I married this guy. That's so cute, though. Yeah, not Josh. No, yeah.

I met at the house, yeah. But I like that you, that your manager was like, I want you to meet this guy. You're like, fine, I'll meet him. And then you go to his house, and then there's another man for you. And I married him. How long did you date before you got married? Well, that was sort of weird because I went out with him, and the whole time I'm like, I'm going to be a slut.

Could I fuck this guy? I could fuck this guy. This seems like a guy you bring home to mom, but I could totally fuck this guy I could fuck this guy like this seems like a guy you bring home to mom but I could totally fuck this guy and because I was like I said I wasn't used to dating just good guys it's very strange when like a dude is actually nice to you you're like oh oh now what do I do with you I don't know how to act around you I only know how to pine over you or be totally disgusted with you. But yeah, so he was just such a great dude. And so I would go out with him, but I was like, I feel like this guy's looking for a wife. And the hilarious thing is all of his friends are like, I don't know what you did, but he was somebody who they thought would never marry. Really? He would date people for like three months and then kind of move on.

And so like he was like sort of just never kind of in these long relationships. I guess he was in a couple, but not like not deep love, big, you know, things. So I don't know. I guess, I mean, it's so weird how they can smell unavailability on you. They just like seek it out like a heat-seeking missile. Uh-huh. Anytime I meet a man who's fully unavailable, I go, okay, I'm going to try really hard and make him available to me. And that plan honestly has never worked.

Not for any length of time. No. I've gotten like a dude to be like, okay, we'll hook up. And I'm like, ah, did it. And then nothing blossoms. Gee, so strange. But when, but the dudes that are like into you, what, how do you feel about them? like into you what how do you feel about them I generally don't like people who are interested in me yeah that's and I don't know why well so I I was not sort of buying what he was selling although I was really compelled by him in fact my manager said he sounds because he is such an amazing guy I was like I don't know why I'm just not there. And she goes, he sounds so great. Could I introduce him to somebody? Because I know so many women that would love to date this guy. And I was like, well, I mean, yes, yes, but like not yet. Like, can we just

put a pin in that? Because I just feel, you know, we've gone out a few times and we've had some really great, you know, dates. Like they haven't, nothing physical has happened, but, you know we've gone out a few times we've had some really great you know dates like they haven't nothing physical has happened but you know I I just don't think yet you know and she said she knew in that moment she's like oh she's not done with them she's that's so cute burped in the microphone but um yeah this story gives me gas but so the weird thing is that I was kept trying to sleep with this really unavailable emotionally unavailable guy like I had met him through another friend and I kept trying to wanting to like hook up with this guy so badly even though I knew he was bad news but I was like I was going to be a that was my whole plan and all of a, I don't know what happened. It just, everything crystallized. Like I did hook up with him and I realized like, this is the most

self-centered person I've ever met. And then all of a sudden it just synthesized. And I just heard myself, I was having, I remember I was having sushi with a friend of mine and I was telling her about like sort of the married people love to hear about who you're fucking and um and so I was like oh I this guy and that guy and then all of a sudden I looked at her and I go what am I doing what am I doing like it just all of a sudden as I was explaining these men I realized I was explaining the guy and the feeling and everything that I've always been saying I wanted. And then I saw him again, Fred, my husband, we went out and he looked totally different to me. He looked, all of a sudden I was like, oh, you're hot. Like you're

smoking hot. Like you're gorgeous. And I've been, this has been mine to lose, and I'm about to lose it. Like, he, so what he said is, I said, you know, I'm so sorry. I've just been, I've been, like, thinking that I was going to have a fling and blah, blah, blah. And he said, well, how about this? I'm leaving in two months for four months. I'm going to go travel the world for four months. I'm going to India and Africa. I'm going to go do go do this he said have a fling with me and i was like oh wait a minute this is interesting so we had a fling for like two months but we fell in love and then oh the rest of the story is kind of cute too because then he came back from india and he's like i'm done traveling without you. Oh, this is so fucking cute. And so then we went to Africa for a month together, a month.

And I made two t-shirts that I gave to him. One said, I did iron-on t-shirts the night before we left. I'm like up at four in the morning. And on the last day, I gave him two t-shirts. And one said, I survived a month in Africa with my new girlfriend. And the other one said, I had a so-so time in Africa with this girl I barely know. And I was like, take your pick. And then a few months later, he proposed with the first T-shirt.

Oh, my God, Michaela. This is so fucking cute. I cannot handle this. Oh, what an adorable fucking story. I feel like when people go, oh, the way we met is really cute. It's usually just like, I dropped a cookie and he picked it up. And he was like, well, aren't you dropping sweetness? And he called me cookie dropper for the next three years.

Oh, it's so adorable. I really love that. Was it fun traveling together with somebody that you had just kind of only been out with a couple of times? That was the thing. It was like so easy, you know? It turns out he, like I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. A big joke we had was I was like, oh, is this where you murder me? Because I just kept feeling like he was so, so wonderful that like every single murder

podcast is like, and this is where they murder you, you know? But the other shoe never dropped. And we did have a, we had a really good time. Of course, I was like on my best, you know, dating behavior because we were new, you know. And I'm a good traveler. I'm a terrible flyer. Terrible, terrible. And we, there's a lot of that.

But we had a good time. And then finally I just remember, like, I'm like, okay, I can't be this person anymore. I have to be honest. And I was like, I just, is it okay? I don't know what I'm going to do if we stay in one more place. Because we were doing pretty hardcore travel. I was like, where, like, water comes out of the faucet. It's like, is that anywhere in our near future and he

was you know because we were like i said it was tough it was tough travel and especially i can't believe he wanted to do it with this chick that he newly was dating i mean it's crazy but we we traveled really well together but he rerouted for me he said okay, okay, we're going to go to a place that has running water. And we did. And I like finally just felt like a whole new person. And then we could get back to it again. But yeah. Oh my goodness. What a nice trait of a story. You said that you were a serial monogamist. So when is the first time you got a boyfriend? Well, I've been boy crazy my whole life. Like I came out of the womb like, are you a doctor? I don't see a ring.

I look for rings so hard now that sometimes I like get self-conscious. I'm like, oh, this person absolutely noticed me moving my head around trying to see their hand. And my husband hates wearing his ring because it's like he's just a simple. He likes simplicity. And he kind of chose a really big clunker for himself. And I was in it, but he might get a tattoo there. Oh, okay. And I was like, you should just do a tattoo, you know,

just so you don't bum anybody out, you know. But anyway, I remember I was four years old. My mom's a teacher. She's a Latin teacher. And she would have these. It was the 70s, but they were called orgies. But it was with her students, and they would just wear togas, and it would be this very, like, not.

They would not be fucking, is my point. Wait, your mother fucked her students? No, no, no. No, that's my point. It's like they were called orgies because that's, like, the actual. Oh, your mother fucked her students? No, no, no. No, that's my point. It's like they were called orgies because that's like the actual. Oh, okay. But they weren't. I fully got very confused.

I know. Wouldn't that be something? Yeah. I was like, I can't believe you're just going to openly be like, oh, yeah, my mom, it was the 70s, was fucking all of her students. It was totally fine. Everybody was cool with it. She fucked her students.

Her students fucked her. No, my mom. Oh, my God. If she's listening to this, her head would fall She fucked her students. Her students fucked her. No, my mom, oh my God, if she's listening to this, her head would fall out of her head. She would grow a head just to have one fall out. No, she's a great teacher, but she would have these things called orgies. It was like toga parties, and all the students would come, and they would read these speeches, but in Latin, and it would be very festive, and they would like read these speeches, but in Latin and, you know, and it would be very festive and they would drink punch and eat baklava. My mom was eccentric.

It still is super, super weird. But there's one guy came over and I remember I was four and my mom was like, I just couldn't stop staring at this one student. He's gorgeous. I mean, he was, he was very beautiful. And my mom said, Mickey, stop stop it my family calls me Mickey and I said to him I'm sorry but you have the most beautiful eyes and my mom was like Jesus Christ and you were four? Four, yeah.

Have you, I mean, were you always boy crazy? Or was that like a linear thing? Very boy crazy. I can't remember the first boy that I was like, oh my word. Or do I? No, I do. So my mom was very good friends with this woman. So her two kids went to the same nursery school as me and my sister. And the way my mom met this woman was I wrapped my arms around

her one day. I had no idea who she was. I'd never met her before, but she looked like a Barbie doll. And I was like, I love this pretty lady. So I hugged her legs and I looked up at her and I said, I love you very much. My mother was like, I'm very sorry. And like tried prying me off of this woman. And then they started talking and then they ended up being very good friends. And then her oldest son, oh boy, oh, he was so pretty. I'd be so excited to go to their house because I'd be like, oh, I get to see that pretty boy. But I was younger. So I had to play with his younger brother. And then my older sister got to play with him because he was older. And I was this isn't fair yeah um I like the older one

the younger one is not as cute no oh but yeah I've I called him not as cute Pete not as cute Pete uh yeah I've loved boys for a very long time yeah and then in elementary school every year there would be a new boy in the class I'd be like ah this one I love this one I did that's so funny you say that that just totally reminded me that I don't it was like sort of almost like a game with myself that I would walk into a room and scan it for the boy I liked everywhere I went like so interesting I mean I I don't do that now which is probably a good thing you're happy and you're married yeah exactly but I I just I just remember like it was just this thing that it became so subconscious like I would just be like look at the plane you know I'll be like you you're the

one I like I hope I sit next to you um you know. I would be like, you're the one I like. I hope I sit next to you. Everywhere I went, it was almost like to keep life interesting. You're like, who do I like here? I would always pick the prettiest boy. I liked pretty boys. I still like pretty boys. Now I'm learning to like handsome, rugged-looking men.

But I used to love a man who looked like a doll. Like a cherub cheek and a nice bowl cut. I loved a bowl cut growing up. Oh my God. Oh my God. Loved a bowl cut. What? Yeah.

Where is that from? Who was your first bowl cut? I don't know. But that little kid in Liar Liar his haircut is perfect it's just like a perfect shaggy bowl around his head and those are the types of boys that I was obsessed with oh my god I loved it Elliot from um E.T. I think because he was like age appropriate for me when E.T. came out when the movie came out and so I was like oh I like age appropriate for me when ET came out, when the movie came out. And so I was like, oh, I like Elliot.

And then I think he became like the standard for me for all boys. Like I liked brunette boys with little cute little turned up noses. And like that was my thing. Like the more like cute waspy looking dude. I liked. I was always like the more master race, the more I was into you. And then all of a sudden, there's just been such a shift where I just... You're like, I can't like this anymore.

I look too much like Hitler's youth. Trump really ruined it for that. There's a movie called Escape to Witch Mountain. Oh, my God. Yes. Not the original. No. Okay.

The remake that was on the Disney Channel with Elizabeth Moss. And I cannot remember the boy's name, but I loved him. He was so hot. And then also Zachary Binks from Hocus Pocus. Oh, he was so cute. Yeah.

I think they all have pretty shaggy hair. Yep, long shaggy hair. That's what I'm into. Yeah. I think they all have pretty shaggy hair. Yep. Long, shaggy hair. That's what I'm into. Yeah. I remember I was in Vancouver just recently and I was at the hotel bar. This guy comes in. I was talking emphatically to one of the other women I was working with there in Vancouver. And behind her, I was just like, how do I know this guy? How do I know this guy? And it was Elliot from E.T. And I think he was just like so fucking bored because was just like, how do I know this guy? How do I know this guy? And it was Elliot from ET. And I think he was just like so fucking bored because he's like working in Vancouver, was just hoping one of us would be like, hey, dude, you know. And I just am kicking myself because I just, I feel like I had to like close that circle

and be like, you're a huge influence on my vagina. But not really because we were both nine, probably. Yeah, but still. You remember that first time you're like. Not on my vagina, but on my heart, my heart place. On your heart. Yeah. Do you remember your first boyfriend? How old were you? Boyfriend, boyfriend. I would say my first real boyfriend i was in maybe eighth grade ninth grade um and i went to music camp do you know from music camp yeah not to be confused with band camp but uh what's the difference between band camp and band camp is like they play like band music you know like you know john phillips sousa or something like this this was a little more like nerdy and highbrow it was more like concerto like you had

audition for concerto and things like that but it was you know i was sort of invisible in my hometown but when i went to music camp i was like shit like i all of a sudden became hot at music camp but i was like absolutely totally invisible in my normal school and i just that one blossoms at music i did i don't i was just like my people you know what i mean just these other nerdy dorks and um and i was like i think like in 16 candles when he says he's king of the dipshits, you know, like that's how I. But anyway, there's this guy, Josh Greenberg, and he played the drums and he was such a pretty, pretty, pretty boy. And I instantly was like, you, I love you. And he was shy and kind of quiet and had this really off-kilter sense of humor. And I just put my

crosshairs on him and I was like, I shall be your girlfriend and you shall be my boyfriend and we will make it so. And he was my boyfriend for so long. How long? Years. I think I broke up with him in junior year of high school, maybe. Oh, wow. Yeah. This is actually kind of a crazy story. I think we were each other's. No, like uh i think i broke up with him in junior year of high school maybe oh wow yeah this is actually kind of a crazy story i think we were each other's no i know we were i don't know if i can out this guy but um let's just say i'll out myself like he was my first and um and we broke up

because you know i mean i was a junior in high school at the time. It was time to expand my horizons. And I didn't see him for a long time. And then I went away to college. And when I was in college, I could go for free because my dad's a professor. I could go through Syracuse University to study abroad. So I went to Italy. And I made this really awesome good friend, Carolyn. And Carolyn went to school at Barnard in New York. And so after college, I was now, or just before

graduating college, I went to New York to go visit her. And I said, I don't know why. And I said, I don't know why. I have no idea why. But I feel like I'm going to run into my ex-boyfriend. And her friend, Robert, was with us. And I said, you know, it's the weirdest thing. He goes to Columbia, which is like we're on that. Because I said I want to see Columbia's campus. I've never seen Columbia's campus.

So we're walking around. I said, I feel like I'm just going to run into this guy. I mean, it's a huge campus. It's a big city. And I said, you know, it's just he goes, oh, who?. I said, I feel like I'm just going to run into this guy. I mean, it's a huge campus and it's big city. And I said, you know, it's just, he goes, oh, who? And I said, Josh Greenberg. And he goes, well, there's must be like a million Josh Greenbergs in the world. And I said, he plays the drums and this guy, Robert is a musician, musician. And he goes, wait, I think I know him. He's in this band. And he goes he goes Einstein mind and then he turns to this little like pillar that has a flyer stapled to it and he goes yeah this band right here and he goes

in fact they're playing read read read read tonight bar. And we go in and he's on stage playing the fucking drums. And I'm just like, what? And I mean, do you know how many fucking coincidences had to happen? It was a perfect storm of you just happened to be at the perfect place at the perfect time. Did you get to talk to him? So I'm standing in the audience and he's playing the drums. And then he kind of looks at me and I kind of wave like, oh, hi. And he looks at me like, hi, weird lady in the audience, you know.

And then he kind of misses a beat a little and he just shakes his head and goes, whoa, you know. And then he kind of misses a beat a little and he just shakes his head and goes, whoa, you know. And I hung out afterwards. I was like, hi. He's like, hi. We go to his dorm. We stay up till six in the morning talking, talking, talking, talking. I find out what I had no idea about was our breakup was like really really huge for him like it was shitty you know I mean I I know at that point I had been through some really shitty breakups now this is like four years later so I was like oh I I can't believe I was that person for you I had no idea because you know we just went our separate ways. And then, you know, the sun's coming up and I'm like, well, should we make out? Should we, how do we, you know, finish?

Right? Isn't that what's supposed to happen? And he's like, nah. I love it. You were really trying to, like, make this into this perfect package of a story. Should we just like make out? Yeah. No.

No. No, don't want to. And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's. No, that was a stupid idea. Oh, because it'd be weird because it'd be like so it'd be.

Yeah, it'd be a lot. Probably a lot. You know, and he's like, no, just. That's so interesting to think about with breakups that oh you know what he said what I said oh because it would be sort of like weird and whatever and he goes no I think because it just would not be that weird and in my mind I built it up to be this thing that would be weird and I think it would be kind of okay cool anyway that's so funny but I I've never thought of it like some people are fine with a breakup and then other people are not.

I always thought it was just like, I don't know, you break up, but everyone's just a little upset. Wait, you saw it in a breakup? I've never really like broken up with anybody. Have you had your heart broken? Meh. I don't know if I've had my heart actually broken. You've not. If you had to think about it

for half a second, you have not had your heart broken. Yeah, I guess I haven't because I've never dated anyone for longer than like a couple of months. And then anytime you it's either well now it's like you ghost or they're like, I can't date you for X, Y and Z. And you're like, OK, whatever. And then like you're a little sad. And you're like, okay, whatever. And then like you're a little sad and then you just like move on. Yeah. But then I guess like a breakup could really like wreck somebody. Oh, it wrecks.

I just remember being like, you know, I would never kill myself. But like if a boulder fell on my house and spared my cats, I'd be okay with that. We have to take a break. Okay. And we're back. Oh! I read an ad for something. Sold. So then during college, where did you go to college i went to boston university but i went

through syracuse to to go study abroad like i said i could go for free oh yes yes yes um and did you have you yes you had relationships throughout college i was in this one yeah i was in one relationship really this is when i really had my heart broken this is when I was really just it was laid out and run over by trucks was yeah I dated this guy that I met in high when I was a senior in high school um but we dated the first two my first two years of college I just I remember my dad said to me and my dad's like not the most profound thinker, but he said, wow, when you fall, you fall really hard. Damn. And I was like, that's true. It's true. Like when I fall, I fall super hard and I don't fall easily and I don't fall all the time. But when I do, it's like deep down a well. So meaning falling

in love, like fall for somebody. And so when he also just was like, oh, my God, I'm 20 years old. I'm in college. I shouldn't be dating one person. When he did that, sort of had that moment, which was totally understandable. I just, I mean, I was sick over him for years, years. I mean, I dated other people, but nobody measured up in my mind. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. There's like such a protection you have by not having fallen so deeply in love.

You know, I just realized like it makes you so vulnerable to like so much pain. Sorry to make it real serious over here. And why won't you date me? No, it's OK. I think it's really interesting hearing people's perspectives on falling in love and breaking up and whatnot. Falling in love does scare me because I feel like if I tell someone I love them, then they almost have like a power over me because they know that I love them. I don't know. That's very scary. I've never said I love you to anybody. Really? Mm-mm.

And have you wanted to? I don't think I've ever been with anyone where I was like, I think I'm actually in love with you. It's like I like being with you. I love being near you. And I've only had I love you said to me by one person. But I didn't believe them because they would say I love you said to me uh by one person but I didn't believe them because uh they would say I love you but then their actions were not indicative of love so I would just like let him say it and I would

I would just go yep okay thank you wow that's really smart but then also he never was like so you don't love me so that thought never occurred to him and that that's when I was like, Oh yeah, you don't, this is a very like one sided thing where you say what you want to say to make me feel a certain type of way. Right. But yeah, I've never been like actually in love. I think that's really unique and special.

And I, I don't, I don't, I'm not going to qualify it as like good or bad. I don't think it's either. I just think it's like unique, you know. Either you're incredibly fortified and like you're really protected, you know,

or you're just beyond kind of all this. Like there's a lot of frivolity, you know, in young relationships that maybe your journey or your path isn't to have to live them and know them. I have friends who got married at 25 and give me the best advice to me when I was a single woman at 38 that I've ever heard. And I'm like, you didn't live this. How do you know this? It's like, you just came into the world knowing this. Like I had this friend, Michelle, say to me, she's one of my best friends. And I was so distraught over this breakup, you know, with my ex-fiance. And she said, and it was hard for me because I didn't know why I didn't want to marry him. I just knew that I didn't. And it made me crazy.

And so I went the path of like kind of vilifying him a little bit in my mind. But that was not, that wasn't genuine because he's a great guy, you know. So I was like, well, that's kind of writing a story about how he didn't meet my needs, but that's bullshit. Like, he's great. And he loved me very sweetly and unconditionally, and that's lovely. And then I would write this other story, and I was like, well, that's kind of bullshit too. And she said to me, she goes, you may not know why you aren't with him

until you fall in love with somebody else. And that's exactly, like when I met my husband, I was like, oh, there's no way I could have understood why that relationship didn't work until I was in this one. Why the hell does she know that? Like she's been in a happy marriage for 20 years, you know? It's just crazy. It's easier to see in something rather than be in something and see what's going on. Like, I feel like when you date people, you're kind of just blind to a lot of things. And it's hard for you to like take a step back and go, oh, here's why I feel this way.

You just kind of like move on from that person. Yeah. Your friend, I think, is fully right. Yeah, she was so right. But she didn't have to like step on from that person. Yeah, your friend I think is fully right. Yeah, she was so right. But she didn't have to like step on every rake and, you know, smash herself in the face to understand that. And now I understand it. And then there was a while where I would give so much advice to women and all the time, you know, because I felt like I'd really like put myself through the spin cycle on everything. Because I'm somebody who has to like hit every step. There's no shortcuts for me emotionally I've like got to learn everything by doing it and and now in my mid to late 40s I am like I don't give advice anymore oh yeah because I just sort of go I don't

fucking know yeah like I like I don't know what your path is, you know, your path is just going to be your path. And I do feel like there are some things that people ask me, you know, I offer up, like, people, when people say to me, how do I meet someone, like, you know, I want, I want that kind of a relationship, you know, I just say, like, I'll say things like, well, just picture it in your head and like use it to comfort yourself and soothe you and call it in you know ask for it I like that it's very close to what my grandmother used to say my grandmother used to say baby if you if you claim it it's yours meaning if you just keep saying that I want this and I'll have it soon

like it would come to you. And I believe that. And I've been claiming 2020 is the year I meet someone great. And I don't have to marry that person or be with them for an extended amount of time. I mean, I would like it to be like more than a couple months. But they're not my forever person maybe, or maybe they are, who knows? I just think that-

Why 2020? I don't know. know well because this year was not good i did not like this year oh no bad things just kept happening oh i'm so sorry thank you but uh 2020 i was like it's gonna be a new year uh we'll probably maybe not get a new president but hopefully we do and everything will be nice and fresh right so. So that's just what I've decided. Oh, I know. So many babies. And I like even numbers. You like even numbers. Yeah.

10, 10, 10. Yeah. That's wonderful. I love it. Thank you. Maybe so. Maybe so. Thank you.

You, I never said this to you because we did, I did an episode of The Unicorn, the show that's on CBS. Oh, my God. And if anybody watches this episode, it's the second episode of The Unicorn, the show that's on CBS. And if anybody watches this episode, it's the second episode of our season. It's very fun. And I said to you when we came in, I said to Nicole, I was like, MVP, not just guest star, everybody's like, bring her back. You stupid network, you stupid people, bring her back, make her forever. I want to look at her and watch her and listen to her for all the days. It was truly a treat.

What a fun cast. But one of the actors, one of the younger actors said something. She was talking about she went on an audition for something, and she was like, I didn't end up getting it. It went ethnic. And without skipping a beat, you went, you shouldn't say that because that's not how it went. And I can't remember the exact wording you used

but you were like kind and gentle and truly explained inclusion to this girl in a way that like I almost started crying because you hear oh they went diverse or they went ethnic so many times and you're like oh so we're not valid people of color we're just like a choice that is arbitrary and they made that choice because you have to have x amount of diversity but you truly broke it down in a way where i think she fundamentally understood how that phrase is not helpful and how the the system isn't kind to people of color so you know they do try to include them and stuff it was just the way you really worded it without truly you didn't skip a beat and you just said this like eloquent thing that made it

uh digestible for her and then like nice for me to hear it was really kind and I it really meant a lot that's well I'm um I appreciate you saying that I I I mean you're like i don't even remember it i i mean i i i mean these are things i think about a lot you know and i think that i think that it's important for people to kind of check each other so it was especially she you know she's young so I can imagine, like, I wish people had sort of taught me things about inclusion and about my privilege earlier in my life because I'm embarrassed, you know, by how blind I've been to that kind of thing. Well, I thank you for it. It was really nice. Okay, you have to go soon. I've been keeping an eye on the time.

But I ask all of my guests this, except when I forget. Which always happens at the live shows. I always forget something at my live shows. I think it's because I'm just so excited and there's an audience. Okay, if you were single, would you date me? For sure! Oh, what a treat! I would. I don't think would you date me? For sure. Oh, what a treat. I would.

I don't think you'd date me. I think I would. I don't know. I don't think I'd be fun enough for you. I mean, I feel like you're so much, you're just so much fun. Thank you. You're just so wonderful. And then you would find out

that i'm a fiber artist no um then you would find out that i don't really watch television and like i just like to stare at the birds and you know i think you'd be like ah if i bring mckayla out she's gonna start talking about the environment again i can't i don't know. You remind me of my dear, dear friend, Sashir. And we, on paper, don't, we don't fit together because we seem so different. But she doesn't really watch that much TV. She likes to look at birds and stuff. But, like, we could. I'm not, like, a bird watcher, let's be clear.

No, I know. But, like, you just, like, sit like sit you're just like look at them birds i just i just yeah but yeah we fit together it's we like to just giggle and then one of our favorite pastimes is sitting on a couch not talking and sending memes to each other it's very fun and you like giggle about that you like talk about that meme and then you go back to being dead silent until someone goes, should I go home? Yeah. I think we get along. Should I go? Yeah, should I go?

Yeah, I think I'd be just that for you. Like, you would go out and have a really good time out with everybody. But then when you came home, it would be just very cozy. I'd make it real cozy for us. And I like that. I'd be like, do you want a tea? Well, thank you so much. Do you have, oh, what day does the unicorn come on?

It's on Thursdays on CBS at 830. And hopefully we're getting your character back soon because there's a real, a real clamoring for it. So it was very fun oh you were wonderful do you have anything else that you want to promote you were filthy

filthy mad we still make jokes about it I still go like well if I were Nicole I would say and then I just like unleash a just a riptide

of vulgarities dirty jokes blue jokes I know they just make me a special type of happy Yeah they give me tingles Yeah

And especially when Someone can deliver it In a way where you're like Oh boy that was offensive But what a cute little face They have And I think that's the What I have going on

A little bit Yes I just say an awful thing But I have a very Cherub like face Well if you like this episode Of Why Won't You Date Me you can subscribe on itunes or something or you can listen on spotify and if you send me a nasty message hitting on me i will read

it so this nice person said first off you make my drives fucking amazing but let's talk i want to play with my puss till i cream all in your butt cheeks. Then I want to smush your cheeks together and eat your butt like a double stuffed Oreo. Ooh. Specific. Very specific. People get very detailed. Some of them are a little too wild, but this one was fun.

That's a fun one. Also, like, you could, you know, with all that information, you could be like, all right, I could slot you in between, you know, 2.10 and 2.20 p.m. That seems like a 20-minute dealio. Yeah, just a little 20-minute slide in, slide out. Goodbye. Kayla, thank you so much. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.