Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - White-Passing Privilege (w/ Ele Woods)

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

Actress/comedian Ele Woods (The Good Place, CollegeHumor) shares her experiences being White-passing, and how she's using it for good. Her and Nicole discuss rollerblading and sewing in quarantine, and argue why 2020 is actually a good year. Plus, Nicole attends a virtual strip show, and teaches a 12 year old it's OK to pole dance.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and places to donate check here: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, the podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though I would still date you if you cut up all my clothes, lit them on fire, and said, here, you stupid dumpster bitch, wear flames. That's a good one. bitch. Wear flames. That's a good one. My guest today,

you've seen her on Bruise Brothers, American Princess, Take My Wife, Drive Share, Adam Ruins Everything. It is LA Woods! Ah! Can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm here, Nicole. What an honor. Thank you so much for doing this. Yes. I mean, well, thank you for having me.

Every time I think of your name, I always go, it is not Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. It is Ellie Woods from my real life. Yep. Me too. Me too. I don't know. To people are people tired of hearing me talk about this? I don't know. No, nobody knows who I am. It's fine. No, I know. I know. And you know, Nicole, a third one is coming out. It was supposed to come out on Valentine's Day. And I'm just like, at this point, don't they know who I am and what they're doing to me? You're perpetuating people mispronouncing my name, Reese Witherspoon. They are. They are. They really fucking are. I remember the phone call that I got when I was like nine, like, Ellie, there's a movie with your name in it. It was so exciting so exciting well it's a good one that's

what i always say because i can always see like people are like looking at me after i introduce myself and i'm like yeah it's yeah and they're like from like yeah i'm like yeah uh-huh but it's different because she's l right she's just l and you're le yeah but i spell my name e l e because like i don't know choice and so people just will read that as L because I realized recently, like you don't say like ale is pronounced ale. It's not all a, but so I really, I had a thought recently that my name was spelled wrong. And then I was like, and then I came around on it the next week. Like, no, fuck that. I can spell my name however I want. Anyway, it's just, it's too confusing for people and I get

it and I should just go by my full name, which is Eleanor. So whatever. And I will when I'm 50. No, you don't have to go by any name other than the name you want to go by. Right. And that's hopefully. You know, if people can pronounce Arnold Schwarzenegger, then they can pronounce Ellie. Oh, please. They can absolutely handle pronouncing Ellie. It's the whitest, easiest name to pronounce. You can do it. So it doesn't have an L and an I in it.

You can still do it. But people, they don't want to. They don't want to do the work. And that's why we're in the midst of a pandemic where we're not doing the work to get out of the pandemic no no we are not oh boy no we're not it feels crazy i mean i feel like it's what everyone kind of starts conversations with but like what have you been doing i wish i had more of an answer for you. I see people doing like really cool things. And then Nicole, like I, I like, obviously I listened to your podcast cause I'm not an idiot, but like listening to you talking about with Kurt on Kirby's episode, you know,

listening to you talk about like, really like just deciding to do what you want to do all the like when you want to do it now like why not I really want to be doing more of that but instead I'm sewing all day I'm just sewing all day which is which is good because it's how I'm making money right now and I'm making masks for people which is like that's great but I also I'm like oh boy I would love to be I would love to go find a garage and like skate. And I'm going to make more time for that. Do you have roller skates? Oh, yeah. I have two pairs of rollerblades and one pair of speed skates and two pairs of roller skates.

Because I never stopped rollerblading. I was that weird girl who took everybody rollerblading for her birthday all the time. That is so cool. her birthday all the time. That is so cool. I keep finding that like literally everybody I know was like, oh yeah, I bladed in my youth. I did roller hockey and I roller skated all around. And I was like, how did I miss out on this? Wait, so you never, you never, like as a kid, you didn't roller blade or roller skate either? I remember I had a pair of Fisher-Price rollerblades or roller skates. With the key? Not the key.

They were like Velcroed onto your shoes and they were plastic. So you didn't really go anywhere. You could make them like bigger or smaller. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess it was a little key that made them bigger or smaller. Yeah. I think that's what a skate key is.

Oh, well, I had those. They were plastic. They didn't really help. And then I truly only remember going roller skating or rollerblading at like a party uh twice in my life yeah yeah well that's a shame I mean and now that I know that I'm like so obsessed with the fact that you're doing it now it's like the people who learned to ski at 40 you know like no it's not because you're not 40. I could be. I could be 40.

I could be 52. I could be 160. I truly had a crisis yesterday because I was like, am I 35? And then I was like, but I missed my 34th birthday, I think. Oh, I thought I was 33. I had a whole I was like, wait. And then I kept doing the math and it kept coming to 35. And I was like, wait, what? So I was like, oh. And then I kept doing the math and it kept coming to 35. And I was like, wait, what?

So I was like, oh, I think I turned 34 this year. I think I was doing the math wrong. I think I put in the wrong date of my birth. It was a whole thing. It's very confusing. Do you do you did you have a birthday during quarantine? No, my birthday is August 29th. So I will I think I'm going to be 34 August 29th.

But also maybe I'll be 72. I don't know. I want to get my internal age when I like like Gwyneth Paltrow does. I want to get my internal age measured at some point. But I really got to go clean first. I really got to tighten it up in there and then I'm going to get it checked. I love it. I OK. What do you think is easier roller skating or rollerblading? A clear answer. Rollerblading is way easier than roller skating. Roller skating, especially outside, is very hard. It's very dangerous. You need a really smooth surface. Yeah, I've been trying to roller skate slash blade just in like in the street by my house. And it's just so hard. It's not level. And then there's hills. But I think I figured out how to stop because I've been watching these Dirty Debbie

videos on YouTube. Dirty Debbie? She's this like gregarious lady who's like, not stocky, but she's a solid woman. She's like, all right, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna turn your toes in. So I've been turning my toes in and trying to do i guess it's called like a coke bottle you go out and in out and in and then in to stop i know that as like the fishy oh that whole thing is a stopping process i yes cool yeah so that's not a fishy that's a coke bottle i guess i guess i don't know um But dragging the toe stop is so weird to me because then what's my front leg doing? I can't drag my toe stop to stop. It's really scary to me because you're like leaning backwards, which is scary to me.

I've never been able to do that. And the way I stop is by using my front wheel and dragging it behind me kind of like gracefully like like a train kind of and then you know you can really grind it down when you really need to stop or sometimes I'll just spin to stop and then you know probably fall maybe um but the problem with dragging your toe like I do is that you do wear down your wheels really fast and then you like start skating like with your with your ankles like weak with your how would you describe what I'm with your concave caving in? Yeah, like your ankles are caving in that starts happening because your wheels are uneven. Oh, there is so much

into roller skating. Like truly, I was like, you slap them on, you slap them off. Because, you know, you only think about like renting skates. It's like, oh, if you skate a lot, you got to like replace the wheels, replace the bearings you it's a whole thing here's where i am with skating not to turn this whole podcast into skate talk but why not why not come on um i would love to get to that point like i'm i'm really good on skates um but i'm not that graceful like yeah i've got some grace but i would love to get to that point where people go slowly yeah somehow I'm like just speed speed speed even if I'm like being cute like it's like I'm fast but I want to be one of those I think it's because you have to learn that like moonwalking step to do it yes and it's just so hard I'm not graceful in the slightest but I've pole dancing I'm not graceful in the slightest, but I've pole dancing.

I'm trying to like be a little bit more graceful so then I can move into like aggressive things like slamming my pussy into the ground. I've been trying to learn how to do a drop split. I wish we're all following and loving. Thank you. I landed so hard in one that I truly took a second it was like did I break my hip and like I knocked my hair out and my head like kind of bounced up I was like yeah did I hit my knee and then after a minute I was like oh you're perfectly fine you did enough stretching you just have to learn control so you don't scare yourself god I could I could do with some learning of control I could really I could do with that I could I could hit

that would be good yeah how wait how did you learn how to sew my aunt was a seamstress and my grandmother was a seamstress my sorry my great aunt was a my grandmother's sister yeah was a seamstress and so just like when I was a kid there was always like a trunk of fabric and a sewing machine um and my aunt was a very talented seamstress and she would hold me accountable and my grandmother would let me fuck stuff up so like basically I just learned little basics as a kid and And then when people ask me, like, because sewing is my longest skill that I've had in life, and I've seen myself get good at it over the years. And when people ask me how to sew, I say, you just like basically have to fuck up a lot of stuff until you learn

all your, till you get all that out. And then you start like working by the book and learning patience, and then you can fuck stuff up again. again you know one time i was in a room alone with robert de niro and he said learn the lines so you can fuck them up later i mean oh bobby denier he's got it going like whenever people ask me about comedy i'm like get on stage have a great time and then bomb keep bombing bomb bomb bomb like get like get it into your heart and know what that feels like uh the last time i bombed i think i've told on the podcast but whatever i've done so many episodes who fucking knows but uh i was bombing like the university of louisiana i knew five minutes in these kids hated me and i was like all right buckle up you got to stay on stage for at least 40 minutes to get that cash

somebody bring me a towel bring me a towel because i'm sweating because they hate me they hate me who fucking cares but like i think when people are like how do you sew like i think people are like oh the magic answer is you sit down you take 10 deep breaths and then you know how to sew and it's like no it's a skill you have to fucking practice it you have to like ruin a lot of your sister's shirts without asking them you know you just you're gonna make some mistakes and also the other thing i say is the moment you get frustrated with sewing you've already made a mistake so that's also a good life one interesting i had a costumer who i adored she has since moved to portland but i would bring her stuff i know portland's uh literally insane right now uh our administration

is occupying a fucking city it's crazy occupying a fucking city i just well obviously like when this episode comes out things will be a little bit different and hopefully it's all cleared up uh truly i hope the world is in a every time i record i'm like i hope the world's in a better place and then sometimes it seems like we're making progress other times you're like oh god is worse yeah but uh so i would seem stress yes i would bring her pants that i found in thrift stores that were too small and then she would go get like some sort of denim that would match the jeans and then put a panel in them and i was like fuck i wish i paid attention and like home economics so i could just do this my fucking

self without paying somebody to do this yes yes i really think that i also think all men should know how to sew it's like so weird that they don't know how to sew a button on it's like women might not know how to do that but they have the natural inclination to be able to figure it out. Men might not have that in them genetically. I don't know. But it's like men should get to be creative too. And so they should also know how to sew. Like I saw this guy, I follow like a lot of people who make custom masks now because, you know, why not um and i saw this guy made somebody a 30 foot do-rag and i was like this is why men need to know how to sew so if you want to have a 30 foot do-rag that also doubles as a cape you can just go ahead and do that right before a party you whip that up and then you walk in however you want i want to see the person who's like, I need a do rag cape, please. I know.

I know. I know. That's so funny. I had initially asked you to do the podcast because you are mom was super light, not as light as you, but just like super, super light. And people would say things to her not realizing she was fully black. Like sometimes I think people would just assume she was like mixed and then like be like, you know, these people over here. And she's like, oh, no, these are my people over here. Like it's fully who I am.

Fully my family. Yeah. So and then I had shared on Instagram a video of a black woman being racially profiled at a grocery store and her half white sister-in-law, who is white passing, sticking up for her. And then the white women behind were like, yeah, why are you being so rude to her? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, yeah, my sister-in-law was using her privilege to like help and I was just like what what is it like to grow up as a person of color with a family of color and then uh be white

passing that's a loaded question but I am genuinely curious you know I don't know that I'll be able to answer that fully right now in my life but like like, I can tell you, like, I mean, obviously, the only thing I can say is what I've is what I've observed. Which is just that, like, yeah, people do say weird things around me. You know, we I not only am I a white, white passing woman, I am the whitest person in my family. woman. I am the whitest person in my family. So growing up, like, I did see the way my sisters and I were treated differently. But we are also very light skinned as a family, like my sister, who is black, is also very light skinned. And so it really like, will you ask me that question again, Nicole? Yes, let's see if I can remember the phrasing. So my mom was super light skinned. And OK, so here's an antidote. When my mom said to me once, she was like, when your sister was born, she was.

So my mom was super light. My dad was super dark. And when my sister was born, my sister came out in the middle. And my mother said that when she got pregnant again she prayed and prayed and prayed that I would come out the same color as her yeah not lighter not darker truly just the same color so we would be treated equal throughout our lives and you are a lighter person in your black family so what was it like growing up like that yeah thank you nicole thank you for asking me that again well i think like my family is a little bit weird we have like a lot of unexamined racial stuff going on like my mom was um my mom grew up in south central and

she was called like you know she's light-skinned and and she was called like, you know, she was light skinned and she was called like city bitch and like and all that stuff. And her father was a dark skinned black man and her mother was like, you know, light skinned Creole black woman. And when and so I think because of that and then when she was later, she found out she had a different father. So sorry, when she was older, she found out she had a different father. So sorry, when she was older, she found out she had a different father. And so I think because of that, my mother has always, has always kind of clung to her blackness and really like, you know, encouraged us to dig into our blackness. So in a way, I feel that growing up in my family, like, So in a way, I feel that growing up in my family, like.

It took me a long time to realize that I was white. I mean, God, that that I have white that that I'm like, you know. Do you know the privilege, the white passing privilege? Yes, yes, exactly. Because in my family, like blackness was so loved that. God, it's everything that i say i hate i mean it is a it's a super complex thing and i think what i'm doing is like trying to ask you like uh yeah what like i'm trying to like i'm like literally asking you about your identity it's such it's such a loaded question that if you don't have an answer, I think that's fine as well.

Because it would be like if someone was like, okay, Nicole, if it was reversed, it was like if black was the norm and I was actually a white person and someone was like, so you're black passing. How does that feel? Like, I think it would just be so hard to answer. So I don't. I think I have a hard time answering it because I know that what I feel is wrong. That like what I for a long time, I really hated my white skin because it was different from my family and I wanted to

be darker and then when I got older and I realized my white privilege I realized like that's wrong like I need to use my white skin and my white privilege to help those around me and to protect those around me that I love. But I've always felt like, oh, I wish I could be darker. Which then I'm like, well, is that fetishized fetishization? Like what's going on with that? A lot of unexamined stuff. But I know that in the real world, like, you know, the lighter you are, the more preferred you are. You know, that's what colorism is.

So I don't think your feelings are wrong. I think it's you see the people around you that you love are darker than you. So like, they have a different experience than you. So I think it's like, oh, I want to be validated as a black person. And to be validated as a black person, you have to be darker. And like my mom was called like high yellow or like, like, which isn't the nicest thing to call somebody. And it's just like you're an other within the culture. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, we are treated differently. And I think that what I could say about that, which is this is like kind of like an irreverent like answer to this question. But what I could say about that is that I have two sisters. I'm actually like I'm a quarter. Well, I'm multiracial. You know, I have like Iraqi blood in me as well. And so my oldest sister really looks like I would say she looks the most Iraqi out of all of us she has very deeply like olive skin

and kind of you know like eyes that you might stereotypically you know consider to be Middle Eastern looking and I've noticed that her whole life she's been a little bit sexualized in that way she's always called exotic she gets best you know it's just like that was the way she was seen and then my my middle sister who is the darkest of us is by far the most successful she's puts a lot of pressure on herself she's incredibly educated and has a lot of stress in her life. And, and me, I'm the whitest and I'm a fuck up. No, I know. I know. Um, but me, I'm the whitest and I get to pursue my creativity. You know, I get to be like an artist and my middle sister doesn't think she's creative at all. And my oldest sister, like, I don't even know what she thinks about herself she had kids really early but um so I think like if I were gonna say in my family

what did skin color do to us it put a lot of pressure on my sister to be like the best and then it made me just kind of be like god I don't know beyond that like yeah like there are times when I like definitely step up for my sister like not that we drive drunk but if we were going to uh-huh I would be the one to do it you know what I mean yes yes I fully understand that and to unpack unpack that for somebody who's listening who who's like, what? That doesn't make any sense. It's like if you're in a group of friends of different colors and you're like, maybe smoking weed or something in a place where like weed is not legal,

you give it to your white friend because your white friend is less likely to be searched. So like- Just brutalized or whatever. It's really, race is an interesting thing to talk about. And I feel like we've been talking about it ad nauseum just in the last couple of months. Everybody's like, what's your opinion on it? So I apologize for asking you that.

We could go. No, no, no, no. Cool. Because I really I really love the opportunity to talk about it. And I want to apologize for being like so like about it because i actually really like talking about it i've just been i've actually like been a little bit emotional today and i talking about emotions doesn't age well on podcasts because i'm gonna be fine next week but i've been reading this book um called the vanishing half and it's just fucking me up. It's like truly fucking me up.

And it's about like two white passing twins who grew up in this town. I don't want, I'm not going to spoil anything. Grew up in this town that was bred to be light. Like, you know, like a house slave inherited a plantation and then he decided to make it a town. And then that town became like a town where lightness was bred and then these two white passing twins or twins left and one

lived as a black woman and and sought the blackest partner that she could find and one went and became completely white and it's just like really fucking me up as a read and i and i just like go to sleep crying and i and that's really not normally like my bag as a read and i and i just like go to sleep crying and i and that's really not normally like my bag i'm like i'm really i don't love going to sleep crying it's like not what you do you don't love sleeping on a wet pillow no it's like i really just yeah waking up like and you're like oh did i just resume from where i left off hmm anyway so but i recommend the book but i recommend the book. But I recommend the book. Yeah, I'll watch it.

No, I'll read it. Oh, that'll be a movie. It'll be a movie real soon. Is it new? Is it old? I'm going to write it down. The Vanishing Half. It's like currently a number one bestseller.

It's in hardcover. It's got a real poppy cover. It's like currently a book that that people are really talking about oh i have been just like searching for media that not that it's like meaningful but like something that like makes me feel because i've been watching just a lot of reality television and being like nothing matters i watching, it's a show on Starz called P-Valley, short for Pussy Valley. And it's about this, like, strip, they're not paying me to talk about this, but I sought it out because I love pole dancing and I feel like a lot of pole erases sex workers.

And I was looking for a story that showed pole in a light, but also honored sex workers and where that came from in black women, because black women are the ones who like, you know, brought tw whatnot. And a lot of rinks were like, we would rather close than integrate. And there was like urban nights, MLK nights. And it came together with like urban night or not urban night, adult night. Adult skate night is what they call black night where they play black music and black people come and whatnot. Yeah, black people are sexual. Yep. We're sexualized at a very early age. Black people are sexual.

Yep. We're sexualized at a very early age. And in L.A., there was like one that was blood territory, one that was crip territory, one closed. I think the crip one closed. And then the gangs made a pact to be like, nothing happens at the skating rink. So it's like if we can come together and then like gangs are not black. And then like gangs are not black. It's like it's not a retaliation, but it's a response for like what the government does to low income neighborhoods. And it's like, well, if I can't fucking get a job, I'll, you know, so whatever. So it was just really people get people need to understand more about gangs because like you guys get the mafia and you love the Sopranos.

Yes. So let's. Yes, we get this. We get this. Yes. Just try to have a little bit of control here. Yeah. It's yeah. Like having control over your own neighborhood, having control over your streets. Uh, it's, it was just like really interesting and it focused on a lot of black people and how we're marginalized in the skating world where like you go to rinks and they're like, have to have a toe stop you can't have tiny wheels and it's like well some black people that's like their region of skating and that's part of their art and this is a way to police them even in a art form

uh but yeah it's just really really really interesting but anyway so pussy valley p valley on stars uh it's about like this uh like strip club in like the in Mississippi. So it's like this gothic Southern noir, but also it's like funny. But also, I believe every fucking character. And it was truly delightful. I was like, you know what? I love this. I love honoring sex work because I feel like it's stigmatized so much.

And it's just so crazy. Yeah, I went to a virtual strip show last week, which was so I went with like a couple of friends, which makes no sense because it's like I went no, I was in my home. So watching the Zoom, but and like we like muted the Zoom. So it was like girls dancing without music. And then they would put up their Venmo accounts and then you would Venmo them. And I was like, yeah, this this is wonderful. I'm glad that sex workers have figured out a way through this pandemic to still make money. But then I'm like, how? And then Instagram has an algorithm. So like it's hard for them to promote it.

like how and then instagram has an algorithm so like it's hard for them to promote it uh so i started following a couple strip clubs in la and then following some of the girls and then they'll post about it so then i was like oh maybe i'll like try to amplify their voices and like i'll post about these shows but then i'm like if i amplify their voices will people come to the zoom with like hate and like say nasty things in the chat? Yeah. Yeah. So it's one of those, like, double-edged sword things. It took me way too long to go to a strip club, by the way.

Like, I think I went, like, for the first time, like, two years ago. Really? Yeah. And I fucking loved it. And I was like, oh, my God. It's so fun. And, like, women are so cool. Yes.

And, like, I can't believe I thought this was, like was like i mean obviously some of them are a little sad and gross and i'm actually only saying that because i haven't been to those and i don't know if that's true or not i just that's like a stereotype i would say some truly like it's like there's a huge for like just like people in the world like you know there's lawyers who are addicted to crack and lawyers who exceed and are doing stuff so it's just like people in the world, like, you know, there's lawyers who are addicted to crack and lawyers who exceed and are doing stuff. So it's just like, it's the same thing in a, in the stripping world where it's like, some women aren't doing the best. They're not thriving. But then there's other women who are thriving and well-adjusted and they're like, I'm good at this. It's a workout as my job and I make a shit ton of fucking money and it's great i love it so yeah i because i've met some sad ones i've met some you know great like do thriving ones so it's just like

you have to remember that it's like they're just people and we just stigmatize sex work because we're puritanical you know that it's in our blood country yeah yeah totally it also made me be like oh i like watching this and i'm mad that i didn't see it before because it might have opened some doors for me a little earlier you know yeah i had so i post you know my pole dancing on instagram by no means am i good at it but i love it and this person commented they were like am I the only one who thinks it's really inappropriate that she's posting uh pole dancing it has nothing to do with her size it's just like she's pole dancing and that's bad and then I was like oh not that I like really focus on negative comments but this one I was like oh well this is this doesn't make me feel good so

then I went to their profile and I was like oh they're like 12 they're very young they don't know then yeah they don't know so then I responded I was like hey you might not be the only one but I like dancing I'm wearing a bikini that's not um out of the realm of the norm um and I think you need to buy my book, but I was like, I think you don't understand the power that you have with your body. And maybe you need some positive influences on your body that you're not getting at home. So I'm just saying to you that it's an art form and maybe you should check out some hashtags and look at other people who are dancing and you'll like learn that it's just, it's, it's a lot about strength, but it is a lot about sexuality. It's like a give and that it's just it's it's a lot about strength but it is

a lot about sexuality it's like a give and take it's whatever you want it to be and then they like ended up deleting the comment but i was like i hope they took my advice and like looked at more women showing their sexuality or showing their strength because that's what i think pole is for a lot of people it's like a way to make money way to be sexual, but also a way to have a hobby or like just be so strong. You're like a gymnast if you're like good at it. Oh, truly, truly. And also like to be flaunting, flaunting, I'm saying flaunting, but I mean, in a good way, your sexuality like that is so strong, too, because it's it's like took me so long to be comfortable with my like just even body at all, you know, and to be like, yeah, I'm wearing a bra and I'm like, yeah, I'm going to shake it.

Like, yeah, I mean, you can touch it is. Yes. We love that. We love that. We have to take a break. And we're back. Ellie, I have a question. Yeah, it is a love and relationship podcast. But I mean, people have been listening and hearing this for weeks, months at this point. I'm truly not really dating right now. I like touch. I like seeing people. But are you you're not are you single? I'm single. Yes. I was dating somebody right before quarantine and then we broke up

before quarantine. And I felt relief that we weren't quarantined together. But he was a great guy. And I think he's really like the most adult relationship I've had. How long were you dating? Really not that long. Eight months. But and also like there were a lot of like obvious things that weren't right with it. But it was definitely the closest I've come to dating somebody and then being like, oh, this is me. I definitely have dated the wrong people. You've seen me date. Like definitely have dated the wrong people you've seen me date like I've

dated the wrong people a lot and then I've dated some really nice people but nobody that ever made me feel like oh I'm authentically myself right now and I think that has to do also with the fact that like I might not know who that is at all the time but in quarantine no i'm not dating i have definitely gone and seen some exes and the day before quarantine happened i um knew it was happening so i went on hinge and i made a new friend okay how's that going oh god i'm just like talking to people oh yeah i think that's why i'm not doing it because just the just talking to somebody without like an end it's just like this ominous like we're talking and i guess we'll meet and social distance and we'll take a test and then i don't yeah it just for me, I'm like, fuck it.

Not for me. I'm not doing that. But here we are missing, you know, where it's like we're missing out. And it's like this is the time when we should be doing that. And I'm annoyed. But I am talking to somebody right now who's who like I'm having actually maybe the best time ever talking with this person. Really? Yeah.

But they've already told me twice why they wouldn't date me. Wait, what are their reasons? What did they say? I mean, if you don't mind, since it's a current sitch. I mean, it's like it might be good for him to listen to this. I'm too young for him is one. But it's not that much of an age difference. It's about 10 years, which is like not the worst.

It's not crazy. It's not crazy. And I'm also I'm in my 30s now. So like that's OK okay I definitely like in my 20s dated some people who are way too old for me but that's another story and then the other reason is that he's more successful than me by quite a bit and I understand this one which is that they wouldn't date like really anybody in my position because it would be bad for me. People would judge me. Interesting. But that's so shitty that like you're having good conversations.

The best time. But then it's like you're not in a financial situation that's appealing to me and you're too young. Then it's like, then why is he talking to you? Why are they talking to you? I think we keep like going through these phases where we get like super close and finding out all the stuff that we have in common and then being like, oh, well, we're not going to date. Why are we doing this? And then like, I'll go on like a dating app and like try and talk to somebody maybe. But I'm like, I, I'm the worst. Everybody's always like, I always get the, hey, where'd you go? You know?

Well, I keep like in the beginning of quarantine, I was like, you know what? This will be romantic. I'm going to meet somebody and we're going to have beautiful conversations. And when quarantine's over, we'll meet and it'll be fabulous. And it's like quarantine has no end in sight. But I would say things like how's the pandemic treating you it's treating me pretty good i've been roller skating and then they're just like it's bad and i'm like okay yeah cool which which does that bring us back to race

at all because is that like white men saying that because i'm frustrated with the general pessimism about this year. I think it's actually a great year, even though it's hard. Like, I kind of agree. So I spent all of 2019. I did not like 2019 personally for me. It was good career wise. I think there was some setbacks for me. But like, I kept being like 2020 is my year and people keep tweeting or like messaging me being like oh i'm listening to your podcast i feel so sorry for you 2020 is no one's here and i'm like okay it has been bad but i do think like us talking more about race is good. I think more people being woken to like shit going on is good. I think our president being a literal psychopath publicly, I think is good for people to like really see what's happening.

So like that way, I think it's good. The economy, no, but like our economy can bounce back. And also, maybe it shouldn't maybe we should let it burn no no no no no i'm not i'm not a socialist i mean yeah i why do you think this year is good yes i mean all those reasons i think like it's like an incredibly daunting year but it's it's providing us with many opportunities for 2021 to be the best year we've ever had potentially yes um yes we're talking about stuff finally people are finally like oh my god I had no idea about so many different things we're all social media is being, has been transformed into a different

kind of platform. And I really hope it stays that way. And because, you know, before social media was like pretty toxic, but I think now it's a tool that we're using pretty well. And not only that, like people are discovering more about their home life um i mean poor people who like really don't get to enjoy any of that that's they're allowed to complain but if you have a roof over your head and nobody being violent towards you and you have like maybe a little bit of green in your life um then like maybe you're discovering the joy of gardening for the first time maybe you've just like painted your bathroom and you knew you really needed to do that. And that kind of stuff is really good for you.

I agree. I also think, at least for me, since I've been taking a break from trying to be romantic with people, I know that like once we're allowed to be near each other again, I will cherish it more. Like being with my friend, like this is as long as I've been in LA and I've done a bunch of like social distancing hangs and I'm like, oh my God, I like revere this time I have with my friends more. I think this quarantining period, like in the beginning, it was like, I have to FaceTime my friends, blah, blah, blah, keep up with the social life. And then sometimes I go like a couple days where i don't like i'll text maybe a couple people i'll peep online talk to a couple people but like mostly i'm just kind of like trying to figure out who's the person i want to be after all this is ending and i had a a real

moment with my therapist yesterday. I like started crying because I was like, what is comedy after all this? What is stand up? What is what am I going to be trying to say? Will I be trying to talk about this period? What is audience? What is our audience even going to be? Will people be so woke that they won't laugh at some shit anymore?

Like, what is that going to look like? And then I was like, well, what is stand up? What is me without stand up? Do I have like an identity? And I was like, oh, I guess I'm having like kind of like an identity crisis because everything I've done was taken away. And my therapist was like, you're allowed to mourn those things. And then I felt so and I said to her, I like I feel so selfish and dumb being like I'm just complaining that like this little pandemic

is really affecting me me it's putting the me in pandemic yes and she was like it is okay to mourn for others but also mourn for yourself because we've all lost something during this time and it's like the essential workers who are at grocery stores went from being praised and essential to like people screaming at them that they don't want to wear a mask and they're not getting overtime yeah blamed for the spike in covid cases it's like yes i miss the days when i pronounced it covid by the way i just saw like an old video of myself like in the beginning being like COVID-19. That's so funny. I don't want to catch COVID.

That's bad. Corona. Have you like made any changes during like this quarantine period that you're like proud of? I've made some. No, I haven't. I haven't. And I think that speaks to the fact that I'm like really sewing all day, which is like just some position that I put myself in for some reason. And I really need to find a better balance because that's like that is what we should be doing right now. But I've actually I've made a few changes I've recognized some things that I want to pursue when I when I get out of here um and I've

I've actually enjoyed maybe not like I love performing, but I've enjoyed not having to say no. Wait, am I saying that right? I've enjoyed like, cause I have a hard time saying no to shows, you know, but I don't, but sometimes I just won't go because like I said yes to a show that I didn't want to do. And now nobody's asking me to do any shows. And so now I get to really think about like, and so now I get to really think about like oh what shows will I really actually want to do when I come back and and and just because I'm not doing shows anymore doesn't mean I'm not a comedian or a writer or an actor or performer and and when I come back when I get out of here I can decide a new definition of what it means to be a performer and that won't include doing like all the midnight shows at UCB, you know?

That was a thing I had to deal with. I think, yeah, last year was like the first year where I was like, oh, I don't have to say yes to every single show in LA. I'm doing my hour five times a week on the weekends at clubs and stuff. And then I was like, I don't have to do midnight shows. I'm tired and I have work the next day so it was putting up those like uh boundaries was super helpful for me uh but the thing i'm most proud of that i changed my team is i'm now a vegan even though i eat cheese and ranch dressing from craft no i'm that's- That's phenomenal. Technically a vegetarian.

Whatever, you're getting there. But I think vegan sounds more aggressive. Yeah, I've been a vegetarian since May 15th. Oh my God. And I like don't really miss meat, but sometimes I'll be like, oh, fried chicken, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. But then I was like,

what did I actually like from the fried chicken? I was like, oh, the batter. I like the skin, which is gross to be like, I love the skin of this animal. But I was like, that's the thing I like the best. No, we all know what that is. We like the skin the most. It's so good. Yeah. I love that, Nicole. I would love to be a vegan. I cook for my sister and she does not like vegan food. Well, she does. I shouldn't say that, but I think she would have a hard time with the idea of like, and also I don't have the,

I don't have the, the, the recipe, you know, reservoir for vegan food. It's hard. I, so I was going to be like,

that's an easy fix. Well, it is, but it isn't because like, I know how to make spaghetti and meatballs. So like you buy the meatballs, you buy the pasta sauce, you buy the spaghetti.

And then it's like, but like, how do I make a like a cauliflower steak? And it's like, oh, second now. But I was getting this like purple carrot box. I don't get it anymore because it's homework. Those ads were really enticing, though. I have to say I'm always looking at the sauces they advertise to me. They're good. Like you make these delightful sauces and you pour these delightful sauces and you pour them over broccoli and you're like, oh, my God, I'm thriving and eating healthy. But I was like, I can't fucking cook a different thing every goddamn night. This is terrible. But like I kept the recipes. So when I go grocery shopping, I go, OK, I need this to make this to make this to make this. And then it kind of makes sense. i discovered i love turmeric oh oh you know what i

just learned about turmeric is there's an there's an r in there oh it's turmeric no it's turmeric turmeric it's t-u-r-m-e-r-i-c it like sherbet. There's no R in sherbert. Sherbet. Oh, it's sherbet? It's sherbet. This is crazy to me. This is fully taking me. My mom used to make this sherbet. Exactly.

Me too. Sherbet drink where it was like Sprite and Sherbert, I think. Yeah. Sherbert. And I used to love it. And she would only make it for like parties at school. And I'd always be like, let me please make it at home. She's like, we're not having a party at home.

She had a lot of weird rules. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That I feel like I've pulled into my life where i'll just say arbitrary things and i'm like i don't make up the rules and it's like you just made it up i mean sorry oh wait i'm sorry to interrupt you min thought but one thing i have liked changing about um quarantine is i think i discovered my own political views and like oh it's like my mom has always been like very good but now i'm just getting to that point where I'm just like a little bit past

her. And so I no longer having the political views as her and making my own. And I think I was always whatever, but anyway, you get it. And so, and I, I miss that cute time when we all thought the same way,

but now I have my own views. Yeah. I, I think I've become a slightly more political in these last couple of months, if you will, just because we're like inundated with, think that's a word bombarded inundated with inundated right with i don't know i don't know with so much political shit but i'm just like yeah why do we need police officer like

the lapd tweeted a picture of like cops jumping a car and I was like one I don't think that would work because using the power from your battery that's also powering all the shit in your car I think it would blow out your battery two this is definitely a photo op three why would I ever call a cop to jump my car I need people who are armed to come help me with my car no I'll call triple a or I'll call a fucking friend and why are they doing that why are they spending their time doing that that's my tax money like well they're trying to be like we're useful we can't be defunded and then i think it's so wild that people don't understand the word defunded i was like well we're defending schools

so like what's the difference if we defund a school or a police department instead of like a billion going to the police why don't we put a billion in schools then you know we're raising idiots let's just we're raising the idiots we are we're raising little idiots who have to like educate themselves yeah and then it sucks because like my sister is a teacher and she was like some of the kids are low income and we're all I'm teaching them on Zoom. And she's like, and I've got a couple where their Internet connection isn't good. So like they go in and out of class. And I'm like, that fucking sucks.

Or they don't have a room to go into. Yes. Yes. It's just so fucked up. And I think people are now realizing we pay teachers pennies when we should be paying they should be getting paid more than cops truly they shouldn't have to buy their own erasers and chalk and shit or like buy students lunches because that's a thing that happens it's they teachers deal with so much shit so much don't give them enough you know something i really

need to do more like research and learning about is like when did we start treating treating teachers like shit because it has it can't be always no it can't be it must be like in the 80s or 90s probably it all happened yeah 80s 90s oreganomics and well yeah like george bush is no Left Behind, which is a bullshit thing because so many kids got left. It is crazy. Crazy, crazy. Hindsight is 20-20. Well, guess what?

It's Future Sight now, bitch. We have Future Sight. We can see what's happening in the future. We're going to hell if we don't fix it. Ellie, the posters in your room are incredible is that share thank you and xena here well this is donna summer so you know how embarrassing speaking of color i thought donna summer was share she's been in the sun for a long time though so she's actually gotten a little bleach um this is not like her original coloring um and yeah and that is zina

and then this is brian from playgirl behind me oh and i i just like this is i'm in the back of my closet and in the beginning when we were all like i gotta talk to my friends all the time on zoom i was like well i need to make myself a comfortable cute little space i used to have like props everywhere but they they've been they got lost i started like throwing away my props i was like why do i need all of these fucking raggedy ann wigs like i don't need this i don't need this although i do have a bunch of dildos in my garage because it used to be in the trunk of my car but now i have a jeep i got a jeep i love a jeep oh jeep girl i'm a jeep girl and let me tell you i love that jeep culture runs deep people love their jeeps like i found so many instagram accounts of tiny women and big jeeps

i love that does your jeep have doors yes but i can take them right off what's up with that it's crazy i can take my doors off i I can take my windshield. I can fold my windshield down. I can take the top off. I like taking the top off and driving around and singing because I feel like it's bringing people joy. I think it is. I would make my day if I saw you driving around doing that. Maybe this is why people like Jeeps, though, is because it's like, you know, it's like a Jeep is for a car. A Jeep is a car for a person who knows what's going on.

Like you have a Jeep. I know how to take my top off. I don't know how to take my top off in my in my Honda Civic, you know? Yeah. I mean, I'm not ready for more customization. You're like, give me the factory settings. That is all I want. But but I'm going to. But like when i'm ready for that i'm glad to know that jeep is there for me jeep will be there for you you take the

the top off the door it's crazy that you can truly it's like a it's a toy you just you just take a general purpose vehicle it's so much fun i'm off curbs. I haven't like off-roaded, but truly I've just been driving off curbs and having a great time. Speaking of Cher, Horowitz from Clueless. I totally paused. I love Clueless so much. I love Clueless. The best adaptation we'll ever have, probably. Truly.

It's, yeah, a lot of people don't know. It's an Emma adaptation. So there you go. Why don't people know that? I don't know. Because people are,, a lot of people don't know. It's an Emma adaptation. So there you go. Why don't people know that? I don't know, because people are, they're dumb. I don't know.

Was that elitist? No, it's not elitist. People are just stupid. Yeah. Well. Exactly. Ellie,

we've come to the end. Sad. I have a question that I always ask people. Would you date me? Nicole, I would date people. Would you date me? Nicole, I would date you. I would.

And honestly, I don't know. Had you asked me that before the quarantine, I don't know that I would have had that same answer. I might've been like, of course I would date you. But now I'm like, oh,

I would date you, Nicole. Do you want to date? Yes, let's date. This is. Do you want to date? Yes, let's date. This is all I've ever wanted. Someone to go. Yes, let's do it.

So you're only, you're the second person to say, let's date. The first one was Bob, the drag queen, and you are the second one. So you are in wonderful company. I love Bob.

Let's date. Let's, we can throuple. Perfect. We could be a beautiful throuple. And then Bob also has two other partners. So we can just be a little village of love. I love that. Nicole, thank you so much for having me on. Thank you for doing this to you. And then thank you for letting me ask you hard questions. I mean, I really, I really was hoping I was actually going to come really prepared to this.

And like, I definitely had like things I wanted to say and everything, but I wasn't expecting to be so emotional today, as we already talked about, as we already talked about, it's not normally my normal state. And, and, and so thank you for allowing me to kind of just like sputter about my, my feelings when what i really wanted to talk about was like you know colorism and and anyway we get it i don't know i had fun i thought it was a good time so good oh wait do you have anything you want to promote did i ask you that no i did oh oh yes no you did and i ignored you um yes i'm actually the last thing i shot um before quarantine was this lovely show that

came out on 720 on monday and it's on kiki palmer's facebook page and um it's called turned up with the tailors and it was actually my first time being number two on the call sheet but actually i wasn't because i was number seven because Kiki Palmer is one through six. Oh. So she's playing like all the characters and it's like a Keeping Up with the Kardashians spinoff. And I play the evil white manager. Congratulations.

That's so much fun. Like, honestly, it's funny because it's such an insider thing. But like being number two on the call sheet is truly incredible. And that's so awesome. I'm so thanks nicole me too i'm trying to get excited about it because it was it's like a lifetime ago but like it was cool and i play white villains a lot and like and like i kind of like that i love it well if you like this episode of Oh, I want you to date me, you can subscribe, you can like it, you can leave me a review on iTunes. If you want to say something to me hitting on me nastily, you can do that. This nice person said, Nicole, I want to motorboat your

titties. And then they put the emoji with the hands up like they don't know if that's a true statement or not so thank you for that and yeah that's it bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.