Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Why Won't You Bake with Me (w/ Carl Tart)

Episode Date: June 22, 2018

Carl Tart (Comedy Bang Bang, Party Over Here) joins Nicole to discuss their favorite memes, the crazy foods Nicole's been subjected to on Nailed It!, and why they like swearing in front of kids.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where I try to figure out how I'm single even though I will literally deep throat your dick until I pass away. My guest today, you know him from performing at UCB with white women.

He's written for Ghosted. He currently writes for Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Carl Tart. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello out there in radio land. Podcast land. Podcast land. Podcast land Podcast land There's a definite difference Because the radio is music And then morning radio is a thing And podcast is just a bunch of talking

A bunch of improvs and a bunch of talking Yeah, I like it Do you have a podcast? Not currently, no But you are a frequent guest, yes? I'm a frequent guest Frequent west Frequent west

Frequent west We can go west On Comedy Bang Bang On Spontanean Nation Yes guest yes i'm a frequent guest uh frequent west frequent west frequent west on uh comedy bang bang on spontaneous nation yes on a whole bunch of other podcasts yes i love doing podcasts well i don't think we have a choice anymore yeah i think podcasts are here to stay and we get to do them i talk about it though i have always wanted to be a radio DJ. Oh really? I was very influenced by Big Boy and Memorial Power 106 here.

And you know just listening to Tom Joyner and people like that. I've always really enjoyed that stuff. So when podcasting came out it kind of gave me an opportunity to kind of fulfill that dream a little bit. And have fun on the airwaves. Did you ever as a child pretend to be your own radio station?

Absolutely. So did I. My cousins, I don't know if they still have the tapes, but every summer when we would hang out, we'd be like, Welcome to 97.1. This is Nickity Nick coming at you. Coming at you.

Ten minutes after the hour. And then we had a second little. Ten minutes after the hour. And then we had a second little boom box to play the music. We would only play like 30 seconds of the songs because we're like, and we're back. We got to get into the topics. Oh, boy. Clinton, is he a good president?

Did you ever like, did y'all used to make like, what are they called? Like answering machine messages? Oh, no. We didn't. Like the pranks? No, no, did y'all used to make, like, what are they called? Like, answering machine messages? Oh, no. We didn't, like the pranks? No, no, no. Okay. Can I play a song into this microphone? Yes. And just, like, demonstrate?

Yes. Do you have it queued up? No, I'm going to find one on my list here of songs. You are a good meme holder and good content holder i like memes i like memes a lot i love memes too they're very the internet is infinitely funnier than any of us can ever be yeah it's wild and they're kids yep but then like you put them in a writer's room oh i mean they would be trash i don't think it's sustainable funny. But like someone put together the ABCs of Cardi B and it was like, A is ah. And it went through the whole thing.

And I was like, this is funnier than anything I could have written over the course of years. Yeah. No, I've seen some memes on there that have just been so good. Like just purely funny. Made me laugh. And I'll retweet them or i'll post them on sometimes i put them on instagram when i think they're really funny same and i'm like i'm gonna screenshot this put on instagram it's very funny i'll do a fat jewish and still but i'll make sure

the person's name is still in there so i try to retweet it from or like regram it or whatever yeah oh man you seen the the one with the lion singing in the zoo where it was like uh the lion singing uh he was like oh but it was just like his mouth like uh the lion was roaring but somebody sang over it it's very funny okay this is what i mean okay by uh answer Like this. Yeah. You know who you've called. I can't come to the phone right now. But if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll get right back to you. Something like that. Yes.

I did do that. I thought we were still talking about radio shows. No, no, the answer was. I was confused. But of course I did. I would play like the Spice Girls. And then when I discovered I was a nasty bitch, I would play Kaia, my neck, my back. I'd be like, ow, yeah, leave a message.

Leave a message. Uh-huh. I once changed my sister's ringtone to, pick up your phone. And I didn't tell her. And it was very funny when her phone rang oh boy i've done some awful things to that girl but she still love me because she has to she has to legally legally she does yeah i met your sister did you very nice yeah she came out here oh or was that your cousin hmm i don know. You've had somebody visit you here.

I've had many people visit me. People like me. Yeah. It might have been my sister. Was she very, very short? She was shorter. Yes. She was shorter than you.

Yeah. That's my sister. She is the size of a drumstick. And she's as loud as a mouse. Loud as a mouse. She's so quiet. I asked her to describe herself the other day. And she's like, oh, I don't know. Short, boring, looks like she's so quiet i asked her to describe herself the other day and she's like oh i don't know um sure boring looks like she's 12 and i was like katherine you can't describe

yourself like that she's funny in a way where she has never actually meant to be funny yeah but like we'll say something where i'm like katherine yeah um are you currently single i am are you looking to fuck i am okay so are you on apps i am which ones bumble only just bumble although the homie was telling me about coffee meets bagel the other day no no no coffeeets Bagel is so annoying. So I don't pay for it. So in order to tap on a dude you like, you got to have enough beans. Oh. And you got to earn beans.

Okay, no. And it's so weird, the things they make you do to earn these beans. Yeah. I don't understand it. I don't get it. It is a real fucking headache, and I don't like it. Okay. No Coffee Meets Bagel, then. Are you on Raya? No. I can't understand it. I don't get it. It is a real fucking headache and I don't like it. Okay. No coffee, Miss Bagel Dean.

Are you on Raya? No, I can't get accepted. You know what's crazy? I'm on the wait list. They wait listed me on Raya. They wait listed me for two years. Which is crazy. You know what?

Two years. I think they got some algorithms that they don't. Here's the algorithm. Racism. Yeah. And unless you are like. Racism. Unless you're Tr Racism. Yeah. And unless you are like. Racism. Unless you're Tristan Thompson. Yes.

Unless you are a beautiful, beautiful black man who's like tall and has 7,000 abs. Yeah. And you got money, money, money, money, money. Yeah. Then they're just like, oh, come on in. And then swiping through it, like the only black people on it are gorgeous, beautiful black people. Who are very successful.

I'm on TV. Yeah. Like a good amount. Like I successful. I'm on TV. Yeah. Like a good amount. Like I think I'm mildly successful. Yeah. And I have a pretty decent following. You have a huge following. Why won't you let me on?

You are famous, Nicole. I was listening to Charlamagne's book yesterday and going through the acknowledgments and he was like, shout out to Nicole Byer. What? Yeah. He shouted you out in the acknowledgments of his book. I guess from MTV stuff. I love Charlamagne. Charlamagne is, it's crazy how fast he took off.

Yeah. Because Charlamagne was in a middling place where it was like, is he going to shoot off? Is he going to stay on MTV? What is he going to do? And he's gotten so fucking huge. I'm so happy for him i remember him being on wendy williams yeah he was wendy's fucking sidekick but i thought

that that was when i was reading the book i was very surprised to realize that that was like 2009 2010 and i'm like wait a second oh i thought that was so much longer didn't you i thought that was the 90s i thought it was like 99 2001 no it was No, it was like not too long ago. So that means The Breakfast Club and all his shows and stuff were like popular recently. Well, I think it got super popular because it's like, well, it's syndicated nationally, but also you can just hit it up on YouTube. Yeah. Which is so smart.

Oh, yeah. I watch it every day. So smart. I watch. I watch The Good People. I watch The Good People. I loved Monique's. Did you watch Monique's?

Lenard. Lenard. Lenard. Would you treat your mother? Lenard. How would your grandmother feel? How would your auntie feel if you called her Donkey of the Day? Lenard.

Why am I the Donkey of the Day? Lenard. Lenard is it? She kept checking for his name. And every time she said Lenard, or she called him Leonard, and he's like, day. Lenard, who? Lenard, is it? And she kept, like, checking for his name. And every time she said Lenard, or she called him Leonard, and he's like, nah, Lenard. And she's like,

and he's like, no, that's what it is. Oh, I love, Charlebet is so funny. We used to, like, sit next to each other during a girl code, and he would say some out-of-pocket shit.

He'd be like, Charlebet, what? And he's like, I don't know, just how I am. Yeah. He, I don't know how to describe it as i was reading the book he would say certain things it's like you have a certain subsect of people who think you are funny and you say funny things at times but sometimes i feel like when he's trying to be funny it's not as funny no he's one of those people who does who is like my sister we're like he'll say something very funny, but he didn't mean for it to be funny. And it's really interesting when people try to be funny because I don't know.

I don't think you're ever trying. I think you get an idea in your head and you're like, I think this is funny. Yeah. I'll say it. As opposed to like racking your brain for something funny. I feel like that's the difference of trying to be funny and just being funny. Yeah. And you know, because we improv people. your brain for something funny. I feel like that's the difference of trying to be funny and just being funny. And you know, because we improv people, improv is truly just listening and reacting.

Listening and reacting honestly in the moment. For free. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Although last night I did Ask Kat and they were like, you need $8 for the valet? I was like, $8 for the valet? This is my first paying UCB? Anytime they ask me if I need money for the valet, I'm like, I feel so taken care of.

And I'm like, it's $8. I get paid to do things. And I'm not shitting on UCB. I love UCB. I'm so thankful for that fucking place uh yeah we don't even have to get into the politics of it but i love that they give you eight dollars yeah it's a good thing and you can see carl tarp before i'm there with white women also see him are you still on harold night yeah why because i i can't let it go you have a tv writing job yeah that is the whole point

of doing free improv uh you know. You know what is driving me towards not doing heroin anymore is how much I hate practicing. Yeah. That's one of the beauties of not doing it anymore. Yeah.

You don't have to go to a three-hour practice with eight people that were chosen for you who you learned to love. Yeah. I love my team. And then you get a coach

who goes, hey, what you just did that's never gonna happen again, the reason why you weren't following game is this you go great i'm so glad i learned that first scene i'll never do again exactly yeah practice is stupid to me it is uh it's just getting reps in but like once you've done improv

how long have you been improvising like 10 years nine years nine years once you've been doing it for nine ten years you don't need the reps anymore you'll make a mistake and you'll fix it or you'll make a mistake and you bomb the show. Like, whatever. Oh, boy. My batting average is pretty high when it comes to it. And I know I'm not the best, like, most technical. Oh, I'm not technical either. I'm not Alex Fernie.

No, but I love playing with technical people. Oh, yeah. Playing with Fernie is so much fun. My gosh. I played. I sat in with Convoy a couple nights ago uh-huh because uh berg was out who's also very technical it was just me todd and fernie and we did not stop improvising for 25 minutes and it was just no edits no breaks no thinking and it was so much

fun i did i did convoy maybe it was last year they haven't asked me in a while uh it'd be really nice if uh y'all asked me again. Oh, Nicole, actually, they called me here to tell you. I don't even know if you listen. Oh, no, Carl, what you gonna say? I'm sorry. What you gonna say, Carl? They asked me to tell you to bring your things to Convoy.

Oh, what? Bring your things to Convoy. Yeah! But to just immediately take them away. Oh, okay. Oh, that was a real misdirect, and I got so excited. Yeah, I sat in with them like a year misdirect and i got so excited uh yeah i sat in with them like a year ago and it was uh todd and fernie and i had the best time yeah like

fernie doesn't let anything go nothing which is the best because he's like why did you say that you're like oh well he's like nah you gotta give me a full ass reason. It's the best. Will Hines is like that. Those are my favorite people to improvise with because it's just that's what improv is. You have to frame the unusual thing. Oh, boy, we could talk about improv all day. But this isn't called why won't you improvise with me? What a terrible podcast. Imagine I brought improvisers onto a podcast.

It was like, so why won't you just do a two-prof set with me? Oh, well, you see. Yeah, I'm listening. Well, you see. And they all turned into Bill Cosby. Oh, but was that how you know you put the, put it out the cup? I mean, Bill Cosby's really ruined it for us all doing impressions of him. Yeah.

Like, he has a funny voice and it was a good time saying Pudding Pop. Now you can't really say Pudding Pop no more. You can't. He's bad. I was in Naples, Florida, and my opener was like a 60-year-old man, a 60-year-old white man. I truly was like, why on earth do we think this was a good idea? I don't want to follow this man

who literally had jokes about bombing and then I looked him up on YouTube and I was like oh he's been doing these bombing jokes for five years so he's been bombing for five years cool alright he loves the art form I guess so but he has a joke about his autistic son and he's like I reward him

with pudding pops and the audience just every night would go oh because it's like, I reward him with Puddin' Pops. And the audience just every night would go, huh. Cause it's like, well what does that mean to you? It's a Bill Cosby saying, but like, are you actually giving this kid Puddin' Pops? Like, are you roofying your kid? What are you giving your kid? What is it?

It's a joke. What are the layers? What do you mean? Watching him was baffling. Do you do stand-up at all? No. You should. I don't.

Uh-uh. You should. I need my team. You should do stand-up. I need my folks around me. They're in the audience, and they're really on your side. No, they're not. Yes, they are.

They want you to be funny. You like it now, right? I remember when you first started. When I first started, I did not like it because I was like, it's just me up here and I don't understand why this joke isn't working. But now I understand the mechanics of it. And you were kind of forced to do it because of MTV stuff, right? Yes, because colleges were like, we will pay you good chunks of money to come to do stand up. And I was like, what if I brought an improv team?

They're like, absolutely not. and i was like what if i brought an improv team they're like absolutely not and i was like okay so my third stand-up set was doing a half hour and i just like cobbled together characters and premises some with no punch lines and then that's how i learned how to do stand-up i started at a half hour then whittled it down to like a solid six or seven minutes that I was like, these are actual jokes. Yeah. This is actually good. And then built it up from there.

It was a real, um, how you say hard time. Yeah. So you are on just Bumby apps, just Bumby. And I don't use it often. And when we say, am I, am I single and trying to fuck? use it often and when we say am i am i single and trying to fuck uh the answer is yes but also i'm beginning to think that i'm too busy i want a girlfriend yes i've had a few attempts yes uh they have not worked out well okay i don't know if it's my own insecurities i don't know if it's my own insecurities. I don't know if it's like I'm pretty self-aware when I'm not doing things right. And I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with schedule wise because I do anything and everything that people ask me to do.

And sometimes I know this is going to sound bad. Say it. Sometimes I punch people. No, I'm just playing. No. Say it. Sometimes I punch people. No, I'm just playing. No, sometimes I rather kick it with my homies than go be up under some girl. I don't think that sounds bad. I think you haven't met a girl who you like enough to not play with your friends. Yeah, I think that.

Play with your friends i think that might be a six-year-old and i'm also like very much like a people pleaser so it's very hard for me to to say that sometime but because i was just dating somebody who i enjoy being around and stuff but we were getting into fights and stuff over stupid little arguments and like she's very stubborn person she i don't really i'm not into astrology that much but she had the same sign as my mom and my mom is the most stubborn person on the planet and i tend to find myself in situationships with with women who are like my mother and it drives me away it pushes me away uh a lot and so i uh, we were dating and I liked her.

And I was trying, what I thought was trying to make efforts to do things, but it was never good enough. Like, it was like, yeah, okay, well, we went to the Clipper game the other day. Like, can we, like, can I have a night to go to Covell with Phil Jackson and Lamar? And it was just like, why don't you to go to Covell with Phil Jackson and Lamar? And it was just like, why don't you invite me to Covell with them? Because it's wine night with my boys. It's wine night. We have a lot of wine nights. I love that you guys love Covell as much as you do.

Oh, yeah. We stay in Covell. It's so funny. I walk in, my three black men friends with glasses of rose it is very fun shouting oh we make a lot of noise there but they love us though oh it's yeah i matched with the owner of covel on raya really yeah and we talked for like half a second and then he just stopped talking to me and i was like but I want free wine. Yeah. This would have been fucking perfect.

Wine is expensive as hell. Wine is so expensive for old ass grapes that taste delicious. Yeah. It's real dumb. What do you like? Red, white, rosé? I love a rosé. See, I'm a black person who loves sweets. So whatever.

Whatever is the sweetest. You gotta drink Moscato then. Oh I drink that Nicki Minaj mixed Moscato. I can't it's too sweet. They don't have Moscato at COVID. Why do black people love sweet things? I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know but we love us. And I think it might be a chemical I don't like something in our brains. It's something everything is from slavery so maybe back then we all we had was the only spice they gave us was sugar. I don't know. It's something.

The only spice they gave us was sugar? Master was like, here, fucking spice your chicken feet with this. Oh, yes, I'm going to make some chitlins with sugar. And we learned how to do it. And we put it on everything. I put sugar on my red beans and rice. Do you really? Yeah, I sprinkle a little sugar on there. You're going to get diabetes we learned how to do it. And we put it on everything. I put sugar on my red beans and rice. Do you really? Yeah, I sprinkle a little sugar on there.

You're going to get diabetes. I am afraid of it. You got to stop. You're going to get the diabetes. To be fair, I don't eat red beans and rice that much. But I do eat a lot. I eat sweets a lot. I like to bake.

Oh, what do you bake? I host a baking show. Yes. You should come on in. You know what's crazy? Because I was watching the one episode where the woman had like a truck where she bakes or something like that she actually is a professional and she is not she it was clarified she has she bakes it just in her house and then

sells it okay but does it taste good you ever eat the stuff that they make? We eat everything that they make. We just wrapped more episodes and I ate so much trash. This man made cake crackers. He was supposed to make a cake, but he thought when you test it with a toothpick, the toothpick was not supposed to go through it. So it was the crunchiest cake I'd ever had. That's disgusting. A lot of people, these people don't make any sense. It was the crunchiest cake I'd ever had. That's disgusting. A lot of people, these people don't make any sense. I don't understand it.

I ate one cake with so much food coloring, my wig almost fell off. I'm not even kidding. I went, woo! And I shook my head so, it was wild. I can't even. Man, just trash. I can't bake stuff to look pretty like what they're copying. But I know how to bake stuff.

I know ingredients. I eyeball my ingredients. Do you? Yeah. That's like a rule number one no-no with baking. I can do it, though. I don't know. I'll learn how to do it.

Ask my mom. Ask my mom how good my peach cobbler is. Beep, boop, boop, boop. Miss Carl Tart. Who is this? It's Nicole Byer. I'm calling from Why Won't You Bake With Me. And I'm just wondering about Carl Tart, your son.

My baby. I just want to know about his baking. Is it good? It's delicious. It is delicious. Oh, delicious. Goodbye. Wow, it's been confirmed. Your mother said it's good. My mom, no, I don't, I mean,

certain things like pie and stuff like that, you know how to eyeball. But I can't bake, I can't make a jambalaya without reading a recipe. That's interesting that you can't make a jambalaya without reading a recipe. That's interesting that you can't cook without a recipe. I feel like most people are like, oh, yeah, you know, a dash of salt, a dash of paprika, a dash of, you know, and there's the jambalayas. Certain things I can cook.

I fry dope-ass chicken without a recipe. You do what? I fry good chicken without a recipe you do what? I fry good chicken without a recipe you make fried chicken? oh yeah you got a deep fryer? I have an air fryer but I make it in

I make when I fry it on the stove I use a cast iron skillet oh yeah how? how do you get enough oil? I gotta buy a lot

I wanna get a deep fryer. Me too, but I would be frying everything. I would just fry everything. I'll be frying pans, notepads. I'd be frying couch cushions. I'd be eating everything. What else can I put in this? My best friend growing up in high school, Nick, had a deep fryer.

And we would just put everything. Chicken nuggets, fucking a piece of cake, anything in the deep fryer. Oh, it was so good. I got so fat. Fried Twinkie sound good. Oh, my God. A fried Twinkie is amazing. Have you ever been to Ponchkis Bakery?

No. Ponchnik? No. It's on Hollywood. It begins with a P. On Hollywood Boulevard? Yeah. No.

Okay. I don't even know if I'm saying it right, but they make these deep fried fucking Nutella things that are so fucking good. And then they make these churros filled with like fudgy shit and Nutella. I love food. And if I could be 900 pounds and just like live in Arizona and float around in a pool, I would do that. Like if I did not, if I, tomorrow, if I gave up comedy, that's what I would do.

I love a good buffet. Oh, my God. Hometown buffets. God! On my jam. Yes, get all the ham. Yeah. They have good ham.

Golden Corral. Oh, my God. They don't have Golden Corrals here. They're far. It's one here. Oh, there is? You got to drive out to Victorville. Where the fuck is Victorville?

Two hours east of where we are. It's like you pass through when you're going to Vegas. Have you ever just gone, driven the two hours to a Golden Corral? I haven't done it yet, but me and my roommate are going to do it. Okay. We're going to go down there on a Saturday and go to Golden Corral. That's incredible. Yeah.

But I feel like a really uncomfortable ride home. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have to figure out a place places to shit or you can go to golden corral figure out a hotel about an hour away and stay at that hotel and then start your journey again the next day the next day honestly that's the overnight trip baddest thing you could do yeah yeah because it's honestly not two hours it's like an hour and 40 like hour and 35, really. Ooh, we got to take a break.

Ooh, and we're back. What a treat. Okay. Okay, so. We got to get back to fucking dating. Okay, so I'm on Bumble. Yes. I don't go on it often.

I don't. My dating experiences have been woeful. I was a big dater in the community for a while. I was just about to ask you that. And by community, we mean the improv scene, comedy scene, that place. It was not on my own volition. It was me experiencing what it's like to be liked by women for the first time in my life. And I fell for it.

I fell for it. And it's a different, women in the community are different. I'm sure the men are as well, but, uh, I, I, I can't put my finger on it completely,

but I would say, and, and, and I am going to get killed for this, but, uh, I can't wait to hear it. I,

I feel like with, and I'm going to, I'm going to generalize this even more by saying everybody, men and women. Yes. There is an entit, men and women. Yes. There is an entitlement in our community. Yeah. And you can cut it with a knife.

It's palpable. How many people believe that they deserve certain things and that they don't have to work for stuff? I think it's a millennial thing. And I'm a millennial. And I don't like when people shit on millennials. But I'm also on the cusp millennial. I'm born in 89 so i remember what it was like to not have a computer in my house uh but we got a personal computer i was in like

third grade so i was still very young but uh yeah i think that it's hard and i think a lot of people aren't honest with themselves uh i think i think the communication is a big issue i think there is a this this idea of this person being bigger and a part a person of status perhaps that can help me out in some way and like i don't know but i've had i've ran into some weird roadblocks with dating sure i haven't been perfect like i'm not gonna sit here and be like i didn't do nothing in any of these situations like i probably like i told you i'm i'm bad at scheduling and i'm bad at showing a lot of attention uh i'm probably emotionally unavailable for a long time but i also don't think you should be forced into being emotionally invested into

somebody too no i don't think you should either and i do agree with you that there is an entitlement issue i don't think it's with millennials i think it is with actors yeah performers creative types who are looking to make a uh sustainable life by performing yeah you have to be selfish you have to have some sort of entitlement and you have to be selfish. You have to have some sort of entitlement. And you have to be fucking delusional. Yeah. You have to be delusional to think that you're going to go on an audition and book it when there's a hundred other people who look just like you or don't look anything like you who will get it over you. So when it comes to dating, I think you kind of bring a little bit of that baggage in it, too. So when it comes to dating, I think you kind of bring a little bit of that baggage in it, too.

And I think when you're like an up and coming improviser, actor, person, and you're dating another up and coming person, that person gets a job and you don't. You're all like there's already you're feeling some type of way. It's impossible not to. And then even if you're like coming up together, it's still impossible not to feel some type of way yeah and then i do think it's hard to divide your time between i want to do shows five nights a week and go to my job every morning or whatever and then now i gotta fucking figure out a time to hang out with you and i just don't think you're in a place or listening to i think you're in a place to be able to split your time three ways, working and performing and then a person. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like I've slowed down performing like improv. I only do search history on Sundays and then I'll try to do like one show a night. I try not to do two. And then I do work a lot because i am trying to make i'm trying to carve out room in my life for somebody but i don't know where they at yeah i mean it's hard i think i've slowed down a ton too but i also have i'm still trying to find that person who i want to spend a little bit of free time i have because I got more free time now. Yeah, but your free time is fucking precious. Yeah.

I want to spend it with people I like. And I don't want to fight. Yeah. I don't want to, I don't, and which is, you know, arguments happen, fights happen, but I don't want it to be a thing I have to deal with when it seems like nothing to me, you know?

And I don't know. It's, it's, I don't meet women outside of the community because I'm shy. We're shy. We're shy. I, I have a hard time talking. I'm, there was a girl at the bar last night. We went to the Virgil and this girl made eyes at me and I'm like, okay, call.

She made eyes at you. At least, even if nothing happened from this, you have to talk to her. She clearly just gave you an opening and she smiled at me. I waved at her and she walked over to me and she was like, what'd she say? Hi. And she said her name. I'm Maria. I'm going to say her name because I don't know who this is.

But like, and we were just talking and she was like, where are you from? And I was like, I'm from LA basically. Like, where? It's like on the west side. I'm from the west side. She was like, oh, like Pico and La Cienega area. And I was like, yeah, basically. I'm thinking like she's from over there too.

She's like, you know this rapper named so-and-so? That's my ex. He's a piece of shit. We should hang out you're you're huggable and i was like okay well you can give me a hug and then we exchanged numbers and i was like i gave her a fake number i don't i mean she sounded like the worst she was she was very aggressive yes Yes. And, uh, but also seemed sweet. But like, I was just like,

why am I, uh, it was more of just me trying to like, I wasn't even interested in her. It was more of me trying to be like, Carl, it's time to, you're 29.

It's time to not be so afraid of women. Like, I, but you just described a woman to be afraid of. Yeah. Yeah. And that's why I was like, okay. My ex-boyfriend.

I was like, this is how it happens for me, though. Women don't approach me like that in places. They don't come up to me and talk to me. And then when she does, it's this person. Yeah. I feel like I have similar issues. I don't date in the community just because I'm so far removed from like improv and like students. And like, I don't even know who's on Herald Night right now.

So like I would I wouldn't be dating like an up and comer at UCB or whatever. And then stand ups. I feel like all the nice stand ups in my age group are married or so fucked up that i don't want anything to do with them or they're just you know chasing clout and trying to chase like a real hot girl or whatever and then on tinder and on bumble people have started recognizing me more which is weird because i don't know it's a question that always i don't know. It's a question that always, I don't know what you want from me. I don't know if you want to talk to me just because you know who I am and you just like want that interaction. Or if you know who I am and you like what you see, like it's just a really hard thing.

And I talk about it a lot on this podcast, but it's getting worse. When I was in Naples, Florida, Naples is maybe the worst place I've ever been. I did a show at Off the Hook Comedy Club. Shout out Off the Hook. Yes, Off the Hook. It was a nice club and I liked it. It was in the middle of a seafood restaurant, a full ass seafood restaurant.

I could not believe my eyes watching people shove shrimp in their mouth as I'm like, this is funny, right? It was, I started every show with dreams come true. Off the hook. Yes. It made sense the last day I was there. But I truly was like, you know,

this is the dream to be doing standup in the middle of a full ass seafood restaurant. But after my shows, i had this bit about like a pizza and then i talk about being single and i had a couple of men be like i'll eat your fucking pizza and i was like uh okay or they would say like things a little creepy and i know i'm being nitpicky because i'm a nasty dirty person but i feel like there's a way to be nasty and dirty in a way where i do it with a smile i'll be like okay scoop my pussy yeah but like yeah so i'll use like maybe like a weird word or adjective with

a dirty word or i don't know i try to like that's what's funny to me but when a dude is just like oh fucking pound your puss i'm like oh okay that's different that's like a little aggressive and and i'm not sure if you're joking or if you're actually hitting on me yeah because it happened at the meet and greets so they would like come by it was like a drive-by hit on so they'd like whisper to my ear and then go on their way. That was them being crazy. Yes. And then there was this one girl who was working with me and she was like, would you be mad if your boyfriend asked me for a picture?

And I was like, I don't know. That was this is a weird question. I was like, no. And she's like, oh, OK. And I was like, why are you asking? She's like, oh, because she's like, oh, okay. And I was like, why are you asking? She's like, oh, cause my boyfriend asked you for a picture.

And I was like, what is happening? And she was mad about it? Yes. And just like, wasn't talking to him about it. It was coming to me about it. And I was like,

I don't want your fucking Florida boyfriend. Okay. Like I, I don't, I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what this is. Everyone in Florida was out of their fucking minds. The median age at my show is like 62.

There was one man in the front row who looked like Anna Nicole Smith's ex-husband after he passed away. And I was like, sir, he was so old. He was like a mummified human being who someone was animating. He was so old. Someone was animating. So old. Someone was animated. So old. And I was going into this pussy joke, and I clocked him, and I was like, good lord, sir. I think you're in the wrong place. And he was like, hey.

And I said, sir, I'm not going to change a single joke for you, but I will let you know which ones are specifically for you. So every time I told a very dirty joke, I was like, sir, this is for you. And I think he may have passed away right after and I'm sorry he had to spend his final moments with me. That's what scares me

about stand up. We don't get those people at improv shows. No, you don't. We did have, at Herald Night the other day, we had two children

sitting on stage. What? They sat on stage at UCB. It was like a woman brought her five and seven-year-old. That's. And we dropped the most fuck bombs that we ever had. Like, it was like to a point where even we were like, guys, let's stop saying fuck.

In the scene, you're like, maybe we don't say fuck anymore. No, we definitely, everybody started being like, F, F this. Because we were like, why is it when kids are there that we have to say because it does something to you because it limits your creativity and it limits your freedom yeah when there is a child in the audience people do not realize this you know i don't like to censor myself yeah so you bringing a child is inherently telling me to censor myself because you're gonna go i can't believe that was so dirty you're gonna write it on fucking twitter or or yelp or you'll let me know that you thought i was so fucking

dirty and it's like yeah well you're the one who brought your child it's comedy it's freedom of expression like yes you get to like listen to music before you go to a concert but you wouldn't bring like a child to a kendrick lamar concert like no, but you wouldn't bring a child to a Kendrick Lamar concert. No. You wouldn't bring a kid to... Kids shouldn't go anywhere. Yeah, and you have to know, I went to the Chance concert

at the Hollywood Bowl, and his pre-DJ was there by like, get the fuck up, stand the fuck up, like that, and there were children there, but in Chance's music itself,

it doesn't do all that. But then he even came out and was like I want to thank y'all so fucking much for coming out tonight and it's like I feel like those parents will know that their kids are going to be seeing cause that you're taking a kid to a fucking a man named Chance the rapper he's a rapper he's a rapper yeah I mean

rap is you know what rap is you know what rap is unless you're going to like a Kirk Franklin concert you know what rap is and the people say and everybody say get the fuck up for jesus i would love it if he had a song that said get the fuck up for jesus get the fuck up and the people say i want you to look at my uh tinder profile okay i haven't people are like you don't change it often and i'm like yeah i know do you want to look at my bumble profile Tinder profile. Okay. I haven't... People are like,

you don't change it often. And I'm like, yeah, I know. Do you want to look at my Bumble profile? Yes, please. Are we doing that now? Yeah, let's do it now. Okay.

Oh, see, look. First one that popped up, Julie standing on a buoy. Oh. But I'm not gonna... Let me see. Edit profile. Julie standing on a buoy.

Julie standing on a buoy. Okay. Let me see. Edit profile. Julie's standing on a buoy. Julie's standing on a buoy. Okay, I'll go first. All right. So we got Carl Tartt. We got a cute little picture of him in a hat and a red shirt showing off them teeth. Then we got a picture, uh-oh, of you and Eggo. Yeah. Eggo's our very fucking beautiful friend. Yeah. He's gorgeous. I wouldn't have a picture of you and Ego. Yeah. Ego's our very fucking beautiful friend.

He's gorgeous. I wouldn't have a picture of you and Ego up. A lot of people say don't do it, but I leave it there for a reason. A, my beard looks amazing in that photo. Crop this bitch out. I won't. Here, let me give you the, because that's the edit profile one. You know how to get back to the regular profile.

I like that picture of us. It is a good picture. And it's a conversation starter. Okay. Oh, who's this girl? Yeah. Who's that girl? All right.

I got more matches when I put that picture up. Really? Mm-hmm. All right. She's just, if I saw this, I'd be like, oh, there's some story with this beautiful woman and I don't want to know it. Oh, then we got, I think this is your headshot yeah

we got big teeth big smile I didn't put one headshot I didn't want to put five headshot pictures I just sneezed we got bless you bless you bless you the cutest sneeze on the planet oh my god they're very annoying we got you and Ronnie

Adrian rapping maybe bless you bless you the cutest knees oh my god they're very annoying we got you and ronnie adrian yeah uh rapping maybe i don't know we're doing some rap we were doing a rap bit yeah i wish i could rap we got carl tart with a chime and we got carl tart with a bucket hat this is a great picture your eyes are closed wearing a bucket hat you got a puffy vest that was for uh funnier dies uh in real life festival it's great i love it so we got carl 29 he's from these streets and he works at the ucb theater los angeles he's in la about carl what up i used to play basketball now i write for tv i enjoy things. Let's hang. P.S. I hate the Warriors, Cubs, and Patriots. If that offends you, still swipe right because talk shit is a great icebreaker. Insta at damnitcarl.

That's nice. That's my bio. That's nice. All right. Go through mine. Okay. I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass. Hey, I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long to not laugh.

Sometimes something to know about me. I'm definitely a thought the happiest out there. I'm also a PYT probably yodeling tonight. And I'm USA, usually sitting around. Also, I'm all about that D, and by D I mean dinner. This is very funny. Thank you. I've gotten less matches since I changed my profile to that. It's, I mean, this is.

I think it's too funny. It might be too funny. The goal of my life is to be with a super funny woman really yeah i don't have any issues with that i don't know what people's issues are with it i don't know there are some white men who like being with funny women i have a lot of uh funny female friends who are in relationships with nice white men yeah Yeah. I don't know. But, like, they don't want me. White men do not want me.

Black men do not want me. Puerto Rican men don't want me. Asian men do not want me. Yeah, men don't want me. I wonder if men's own insecurities are, if they see you thriving, and they don't think they can live up to it. And also maybe your aesthetic is intimidating to them. What do you mean by aesthetic? Like your personality on TV and stuff.

And you're a big performer. I feel like I know that there are dudes out there who love you. I feel like they're all gay. A lot of gay men who love me. But also, I think the straight men who I don't know maybe they are like I can't tame this woman or some shit like that you know maybe

I did go on Conan and said on national television that I was looking for a big dick and a lot of men are real split on how to feel about that because I love reading comments I love reading comments. I love reading them because they don't bother me.

Kudos to you. Why would they bother you? I am very sensitive to- Here's the thing. You're the one working. Yeah, true. They in their house, unfulfilled because they're commenting on the internet. I'm getting better at it but I have a troll who

attacks me from Comedy Bang Bang which is weird because you think Comedy Bang Bang fans are all liberal. Are nice little nerds. Yeah, yeah. What does this troll say to you? He just always comes in and is like, you slow down the show so fucking much. You're not a good improv

person. You, Zeke, Sean Diston, are you noticing a pattern here? like you slow down the show so fucking much you always you're not a good improv person you zeke sean distant are you noticing a pattern here yeah black people yeah you guys suck and you always slow down the show and i always hate the episodes that you're on interesting he'll come in and he'll like type in like ebonics i guess what he thinks is ebonics like they're not they're not good at all so to me i think he thinks he's a funny person but it's like genuinely not funny like i'd love to teach him in a class on how to actually roast somebody but he like will go like we is victims and shit and i'm actually doing this more justice than what he types like it's funnier when i say it do you ever respond to him i have responded to him once and it was the stupidest thing i could have ever done why because he like

engaged you yeah he engaged and he won't stop and so now every time he'll make like new instagrams and do it like so i'll see i'll get the comment that it's like a you know like oh another stupid fucking episode from damn it carl like that and then i'll go to the page and it'll be like following for followers. Zero. No picture. Like no post. So this person like this is that's past like a comment.

That person's like harassing you. Yeah. And like, how do you even fucking report that? You know, I just I just keep blocking. That sucks. Yeah. I'm sorry to go through that. Yeah.

I mean, that's the only one. Jesus Christ. I have I mean, luckily he's the only one. Jesus Christ. I have read comments in the past. I read comments on BuzzFeed videos because a lot of people have thought that

I was funny in them, but then there'll be one person like, that dude looks like a frog. And that video that I was in, I definitely did make a face where it was like,

definitely looking like Pepe. But, uh... I guess, yeah, sometimes a negative comment will stick with me like i'll read a bunch of positive comments and i'm like great yes i also think i'm funny this is nice yeah and then one negative one i'll be like huh why why didn't you think i was funny yeah can you break it down for me but they can't and like comedy is a very subjective thing and people don't like you

sometimes and i do sometimes really think it's a race thing like i was looking at the queer eye boys instagram account karamo has the least amount he's black yeah and i was like i don't think he's doing less on the show yeah i don't think he's not as good as the other ones on the show not even close yeah i legitimately think it's a black white thing yeah and then i was looking at queens from rupaul's drag race the top four is three white queens and a black one and the black one has the least amount of followers she's in the same place as these other three yeah so people don't even recognize they think they're being progressive by watching queer eye or or rupaul's drag race but they're still very racist i have

black gay friends who talk about how hard it is to find relationships with white men and how racist white gay men are. I've had racial incidents with white gay men a lot. Oh, really? Yeah. There used to be some at the theater that I was performing at before I came to UCB. And he used to say the craziest shit to me. Like the craziest racist stuff. And he told me, I had a girlfriend at the time she was

white and he said you know she's only with you because she's got daddy issues but then he'd hide behind the fact that he was gay as if he was you know i'm oppressed too so i can say this and it's like i've and also like you know have been places where the equivalent the gay male equivalent of purse clenching happens which sometimes is also purse clenching but like yeah like that stuff has happened a ton to me one time i was walking up to a party and a gay dude was standing outside and i walk up to the door and he was like oh my god who's that who's that who's that coming to this part who is that who is that and i walk and then loud enough for you to fucking hear he didn't think he was drunk and he didn't think he he didn't think i heard him uh-huh and the guy that he was talking to

uh was like oh hey what's up carl like knew who i was and then i was like hey what's up man and then i looked at him and i go i'm i'm supposed to be here like that he goes oh no it was just because like we and he started trying to make excuses. Yeah, trying to make up some dumb fucking bullshit. Yeah. I am very tired of overt racism. Yeah. I want to go back to a covert racism where they had meetings behind our backs about how they wanted us to leave the neighborhood.

I don't know, man. I want to know who's whack out there i guess i just it bums me the fuck out like that story bums me out and i think i don't have that problem with white gay men because they're like i'm a i'm a big black woman inside yeah and she's in front of me so i'm gonna treat her like a queen even if i'm like stealing and appropriating her words like yeah like whenever a white gay man calls another white gay man sis i'm like that's not it that's not it we call each other sisters because we are dog shit to the world yeah so that's my sister in this yeah that y'all aren't sisters y'all at the top of the world yeah how's that your sis yeah

yeah i and they just say a lot of things where i'm like uh-uh yeah you why why do you have to have everything i don't it's it's a really like implicit bias and institutionalized racism is such a huge thing and then when like white people don't want to talk about their privilege, I'm like, that is a privilege that you don't want to acknowledge it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that you don't understand that you, like, if we go for a job interview, they're inherently going to want you more because you're white. Yeah. And they think you're more qualified. Yeah.

And white is also, like, ideal. Yeah. yeah and white is also like ideal yeah that has and that has affected dating a lot for me in the community as well of just like i mean you know it's mostly white women around there and i've dated and and there's little like microaggressions that happen like you can't even argue with one without them being like yeah you're being this and you're like you're turning into a different person and it's like don't do that to me yeah person. And it's like, don't do that to me. Yeah. Okay. Like you pick this fight and don't make me out as if I cannot be upset. If I cannot defend myself.

Yes. You know, like that type of stuff is very scary. And like, it's scarier for me on different, like a lot of men are scared right now because you like, and I understand that the movement is very very important and stuff like that but some men are scared just because they're like it is like oh my gosh we've never seen these things being called out so it causes you to check your behavior and rightfully so yeah because there are things that like we know the big stuff like not every guy out here is a rapist but like it's like some when when the smaller

aggressions are coming out when when when women are are uh complaining about the stuff that they go through and men are like oh shit like i can't oh i don't know how to move it's like well i know who i am as a person but also it still gets scary as a black man oh as a black man i think you are completely warranted and feeling some type of way about that. Yeah. Because people don't even think of like historical implications that like Emmett Till was murdered because a white woman lied about his actions. Yeah. And that's not the, that was the most national television.

Yes. That was like, that happened so many times. Yeah. Yes. That was like that happened so many times. Yeah. And you feeling some type of way about a black man doing something and then you escalate it to the point where maybe you're inferring things that like truly didn't happen that way is very dangerous. Yeah. And and I'm not discrediting the movement. I'm not saying that it's bad i'm not saying anything about that i'm just saying that for every i don't know it's a real tough line to walk and it's just it's very and i think we need to talk more yeah if someone does something to you and i know it's hard but like i feel people should like stop it there and i'm i'm bad at stopping things i met a child who touched my titty three times and i didn't say anything even though i was like you're making me feel uncomfortable yeah you gotta not do that yeah you really can't do that where are your parents yeah where is she where's your mom yeah but uh yeah you like we have to just talk more and i feel like that's a thing that's

not happening yeah but i'll talk about microaggressions real quick i've slept with three white dudes who spoke to me in a normal way and then the minute we started like getting intimate they were like yo girl you like that girl oh yeah that's weird as hell and i was like uh what is happening i do the same thing when I'm with white girls. Do you like this dick? Do you really like this dick? I'm going to eat your pussy now. Oh, my God. You're going to get it, God. It was really weird. And I didn't know in the moment how to be like, can you just talk to me like a normal person?

Because I know you didn't lick my pussy and catch some blackness. Like I know that that didn't happen. All right, Carl, we got to wrap this thing up. Did we figure out why we're both single? No.

Oh, cause we're black people and everybody's a racist. No, no. Let's leave it like that. Oh, I'm sure everyone will be like, that's it. Honestly, I personally think you are single because you are busy,

because you're trying to build your career, because you work a lot, you like to hang out with your boys, you love wine, and you like to perform. And I don't think you have met a person that you like enough to give up any of those. I think that's real. Because I think when you find real love, I don't know, I feel,

I've never been in love, so I don't know if this is true, but I feel like you get to a point when you find real love that you're like, if this person asked me to give up everything, I would. Yeah. I think. I would love to find that person

and turn them down when they ask me to do that, but also know that I would make to find that person and turn them down when that, when that, when they asked me to do that, but also know that I would make some sort of change. Yes. And, and I am sorry to any girl who's listening to this, who felt that week, but it is a thing I have,

I have to build up to the, like, this is going to ruin a couple situationships for me probably if they listen, but I, I don't. I have to be honest about it. And it is a place. And I also think I need to build up my own confidence in dating. Dating up, if you will.

Yes. Like I can't be out here in these in these streets just because a says, I can't be with Maria from the club last night, whose ex-boyfriend I may have grown up with. I have to that's why I said I would love ladies out there I got a job. I got a car.

You got a car? You got a new car? No, I have a Toyota Camry. Get a new car. I might get a new car now. I'm going to get a Silverado, a 2018 Silverado. Okay. That's a big pickup truck. Yeah, that's a fucking pickup truck. Chevy Silverado.

Yeah. Um, I, but I do think it's like ladies out there who are looking, uh, to be with somebody who is, who matches their level of successes. And if you got a very popular YouTube show, makeup tutorial, we're not on the same level, ma'am. Just because you got two million subscribers. They make a lot of money. That person make a lot of money. You know what?

I take that back. Cut that. No, just play. You don't have to cut that. Well, I think, ooh, I might get shit for this. I think YouTubing and acting and writing are all very different they are i think youtube is a whole nother beast where you are literally crowdsourcing approval where you go is this funny and then people immediately give you feedback and that's who you cater to yeah

then when you write for television you're writing for executives who think they know what the people want. Yeah. And, I mean, there's, I don't know. It's, I think a YouTuber is not on your level. Oh, no. You can get mad at me, world. I also want to say to people who I have dated that it's just not working out. I care about you.

Some of you. Some of you I really don't. But I care. I care about those who know I care about them. And I try to put in the effort. But there is something. Something's not working in certain cases. Fair. I think that's fair. Do you have anything you want to promote, Carl Tart? Just watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine when it comes on NBC, whenever that may be. I think it'll be early next year. There you go.

When is this going to come out? Watch Brooklyn 9-9. This upcoming season has moved from Fox to NBC. Karl Tart performs at UCB Sunset every month with white women. Yeah. And most Mondays on Herald Night at UCB Franklin. Some Saturday and Sunday nights on Ask Kat, if you catch me. And also follow me at damn it

call d-a-m-m-i-t twitter and instagram both yeah on both twitter and instagram d-a-m-m-i-t-c-a-r-l slide my dms ladies yes slide into his dms suck his dick finger his booty hole tickle his belly button these are all requests that he sent to me before he came. That was in my writer. If you like Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe on iTunes. Leave a review. If you leave a review that's nasty, I will read it. This was not left on iTunes, but this was a dm that bang or ban xxxy sent to me they said i would put a condom over my foot and fuck your booty hole is this how your how it works for your podcast

yes it does thank you bye Thank you. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.