Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Why You Need Couple's Therapy (w/ Naomi Ekperigin)

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

"There's nothing I love more than a slutty wedding vibe"Naomi Ekperigin (Broad City) shares her experience dating on Craigslist, why every couple should go to couple's therapy. Nicole describes why she loves going to weddings, and her ideal proposal. Also, Nicole gets a crazy text from her sister, and helps her find a husband.Be sure to check out Naomi's podcast, Couple's Therapy!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out why I'm still single, even though if you push me out of bed every single night, I won't complain. I won't complain. I'll just climb right back in and apologize to you for whatever I've done. My guest today, you know her. She's got a Comedy Central half hour. She's written on Broad City.

She is just so funny. She's writing on a new HBO show right now starring Katherine Hahn. And I just, oh, she wrote on Great News. You've done so much. It makes me so happy. All right, put your little hands together. In your room, start clapping. It's Naomi and Perrigan.

Thank you. Thank you guys so much for coming. Give it up for Nicole. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for coming. Give it up for Nicole. Thank you. Yes. Thank you for coming out to this live podcast event where nobody's here. It's okay. But we are giving you our all. Okay.

There is stage presence in the moment. There's so much stage presence that has been wasted on just Marissa. Okay, Naomi, you have been in a relationship for 39 years? Almost nine years. Damn. It will be nine years in March, and I am just as shocked and disgusted as you are. Crazy. So how did you meet Jew Boo?

That's what you call your- Yes, my Jewish Boo. He does have a name. I guess we can call him Andy, but between us, it's Jew Boo. Do you call him Jew Boo at home? No, not now. It all started, like, I started calling him that. You know that time when you're, like, dating somebody before you all started like, I started calling him that. You know that time when you're like dating somebody before you're like for real and they're like not a real person, but you fucking do stand up, but you got to call them something.

So that's where it started where I was like, I got a little juke boot, you know, before he was a person. And then, you know. And then he became a person and you're like, I'll call him by his government name. Among close personal friends. Does he call you anything? No, he does not. You don't have nicknames? No.

No, no, no. I read an article months and months ago that said you should have a nickname. Really? Like lovers should have nicknames? Mm-hmm. But honestly, you're going on nine years, so like fuck that article. I know. I mean, literally one of the things I say to him as a term of endearment is like,

I will call him a stupid bitch. But it's like, I was having a very tender time. I'll be like, you stupid bitch. And what does he say?

He laughs. He knows. And honestly, I've never felt closer to a person. Being able to call them a stupid bitch and know it's gonna be fine.

I call people dum-dums as a term of endearment. Uh-huh. And sometimes men really don't like them. Well, you know they're very sensitive. Men are so sensitive. They're delicate flowers.

They truly are. And they're just, they're like, they're the true snowflakes of the world. Thank you. But you know what? Not even. Because they ain't even all that unique. Okay? It's about 10 types of men.

Okay? I agree. So nine years. It's about 10 types of men. I agree. So nine years, that's almost a decade. That's a good chunk of time. Is this your longest relationship? Oh my God, by eight years and four months. Well, damn. Oh yeah, I didn't know what I was doing.

So your first relationship only lasted eight months? Yes, and then so the first real, like the doing, girl. So your first relationship only lasted eight months? Yes. And then so the first real, like the long, no, just not even for the most real. Like I had, I was with somebody for like six months in college. Maybe another. So like freshman year of college, there was like that dude you meet the first week of college. And I come from a school, you know, where nobody was checking for me. So the moment a guy was like, can I see your titty?

I was like, here you go. You know what I mean? I was in. I was in. What school was this? It was just like a private school in New York where nobody was checking for no black girl.

No chubby black girl with a spectacle. You were chubby? Oh, yeah. How chubby? I mean, I feel like the size I am now, but shorter. You know what I mean? Like at a time where nobody, like when I was like, you I am now, but shorter.

You know what I mean? Like at a time when nobody, like when I was like 13 or 14. So I was like bigger than other kids. Sure. You know how white girls were very skinny? They were wearing zeros. Hold on. I have to read you this text from my sister.

She just texted me at 147. Have you ever stared at a guy in a wheelchair not because he's in a wheelchair but because he's really cute but as you're processing it you kind of make the guy feel uncomfortable i'm sorry i just had to read that. Oh, that is good. My sister walks through life maybe just being the most thoughtful person in a way where you're like, what? So you stared at this man in a wheelchair because he was cute and then started texting probably while you're staring at him. So now this man in the wheelchair is like, great, another person's staring at me because I'm in a wheelchair. And now she's telling people about staring at me while I'm in a wheelchair. Should I? I think I'm going to text her, go up to him and hit on him.

Hit on him hard. Explain that you were staring because he was fine. Mm-hmm. And just see where it goes from there. Also, is he alone is the question. Because I don't assume that just because he's in a chair that he's not rolling with some people. Yeah, he might be dating someone, you know? Right. Or like he's

hanging out with a group. Are you approaching a group with a man in a wheelchair? Are you approaching one lone man in a wheelchair at a corner? I mean... I need details. She said she left in shame. Go back. We'll end this saga as soon as she texts back. She just, oh, he was alone.

Okay, man, that was her chance. That was her chance. That could be her husband. It really could. They could have, you know, rolled away in love together. Hello? Getting that easy parking for the rest of your damn life? Yes, that would have been nice.

That would have been it. Oh, poor Catherine. She tries her best, I assume. I mean, when I see a man in the wild, I will hit on him because I leave no stone unturned. She said this was 20 minutes ago. I think he left by now. Well, and that's the conclusion of that. My sister almost found a husband,

but she got scared and ran away. She overthought it. Wait, what is this shirt you're wearing? It just says all humans are equal. Were you at the women's march today? Oh, no, I don't march. I got this from Michelle Buteau.

I'm just wearing this. So you don't march? No. Oh, oh, this. So you don't march? No. Oh, Lord. For the record, I care about causes. I donate. I make calls. I am a black woman daring to dream.

So that's step one. And then I do other stuff. But the actual act of marching is not my chosen form of resistance. I also just didn't even know it was happening today. Until I drove downtown a ton of streets were closed and then there was like people with signs and i was like i almost got into an accident because i was like what does this bitch's size say it was truly nothing interesting it was just like women are women. Oh, I was so mad. Okay, so you were an awkward, chubby black girl.

Yes. And then you blossomed into a beautiful, non-awkward black woman. Wow, thank you so much. Because I still feel so awk. You're not. I'm kind of like Catherine. I live in my head the way

it sounds like she does. Overthinking every little thing. Literally last night I did not bring a comic on properly on his own show. I didn't realize we were tag teaming the intro until the other person was coming back. And then I've literally been up since 4.48am. That's mental illness, Nicole. It's mental illness.

It might be a little bit of anxiety. A little? are you on anxiety medication not right now I do need to find the cocktail that works for me fair um I talk about therapy a lot yeah because I think people shouldn't wait till the last moment to get help hello I think if you feel like you need to talk to someone, you should really reach out and do it as soon as you feel that way. And like two years ago, I got into a point where I was like, I think I need somebody who's interested in my life,

but has no real stakes in my life that I need to talk to. Yes. And that's what I think the dream about therapy is. It's like this person cares about you, but like the rest of the six days of the week they don't see you they don't they're not like you know thinking like they're not waiting for you or whatever but then i started getting on i got on adhd medication and that was super helpful and then my psychiatrist was like i think you're like a touch. Just a touch. Oh, boy.

Let's get it fixed. And then I never found a cocktail that worked for me and worked for my body. And it's really hard and it's really frustrating. And I think that's why so many people end up self-medicating, myself included, like in the past. Because you're like, okay, why don't you take some shit, holler at me in six to eight weeks, and see where you're at. I ain't got six to eight weeks. This situation is dire. What do you think I pay you for?

You know what I mean? And that's the problem. Is that when you're in it. Because I also agree, like, you got to go before it's bad. And I have a friend who always says, he's like, it's easier to talk when it doesn't hurt so that when it does hurt, you know what to do. You know? And, like, you don't have to be, like, on edge. Like, Jubal and I, we've been in couples therapy for like five and a half years we we good you know what i mean like

we didn't go because it was like a problem but it was like there were certain issues and you know they say couples sometimes like you end up having the same fights over and over and i remember like we got engaged and i was like all right i'm I'm in, but we're going to have to figure out how to not have the same fucking argument or at least have it not go to the same place every time. And how many years were you guys together before you got engaged? Three. Sweet. Oh.

Girl, I've been engaged about six years. I did not know that. I'm glad actually, because it's to the point where we've been engaged so long, people are now starting to worry. You know what I mean? It's always like, are you guys still together? Are you going to do it? Are you good?

You know? So, good. I'm glad you forgot. I wanted to feel as fresh as possible. I just knew you were together, and I knew that if you had a wedding, I would hope to be invited. Oh, okay. So, no confirmation on that one. Girl. Oh, okay. So no confirmation on that one. Girl, girl.

If I get money for a guest list like that, you're on the list. All right. If I get my guest. But see, here's my whole thing with weddings, too, though. Like, would you, be real in your soul. Would you really want to come to my wedding? Like, do you like weddings? I, okay, I love a wedding.

You do? Okay. Because I love seeing who got an invite. One, I, okay, I love a wedding. You do? Okay. Because I love seeing who got an invite. One, first and foremost, I love being like, yes,

okay. Okay, I see you. I see who you invited. Two, I love to see who's dressed inappropriately for a wedding.

Oh my God. Who's too cash and who has slutted it up too hard that grandpa's breaking his neck to look at your friend. Literally, there's nothing I love more than like a slutty wedding vibe.

Yes. When somebody comes through in like a fucking bandage dress with a deep V. Yes. I'm like, girl, you came to win. It's like you came to fuck all the groomsmen. Literally. And that's like, get it.

Just get it while you can get it. I love it. And then I specifically love a comedy wedding because I'm like how much are we gonna talk about comedy to alienate the family

who knows nothing about comedy so to answer your question I fucking love a wedding okay alright well that's good to know

I love a wedding sometimes I feel like with weddings it's like people it's like they want the principle of like well I want to have been invited but if you're like people, it's like they want the principle of like, well, I want to have been invited.

But if you're like, but do you actually like me? Take a beat. Not in a bad way, but the way like we don't like everybody and don't care about everybody. It's like, take a beat. Because to me, I don't like, I won't go to weddings unless I'm like close to you and the act of seeing you marry this person will move me to tears. Yes. Because everything else is like, I got to pay to get there and stay. You are correct.

And you need a present. It's like a lot. And to me, I'm like, why am I spending all this money? Because you got a man. You got the man. You good. Now you need money out of my hard-earned cash. Yes.

Weddings are kind of like GoFundMes. They are. Come to my wedding and bring me fucking presents so I can move into the next chapter of my life with this person that I'm so lucky to have found. Aren't you jealous? The answer is absolutely. I am fully jealous. I would love to figure out when I'm going to get a husband. I mean, at this point, I'm, I don't know.

I don't know anymore. I will say this, though. You know, obviously I'm off the streets, but I do, you know, I still know the world. You know what I mean? It hits me like the shit was yesterday. And I also feel like L.A. is a hard-ass place to date. Yes. It's like, first of all, because, you know know because it is so spread out not only is it

hard to meet anybody naturally but then the work of once you start dating it's automatically work I gotta get in my car and go to you you gotta go to me even the first date might be an issue of valet and you automatically put in a certain level of work that says, I want this, before you even really know the person. Yep. Uh-huh. And I try to, like, if I go on, like, more than three dates with somebody, I tell them. I'm like, I like you. Yes. I like you a lot.

Because I'm hoping that you get the subtext that, like, I flew back early. Right. Like, I didn't have to come back to L.A. for two days to see you. Right. I could have just stayed on the East Coast and did whatever. But it is so much work from the jump. Traffic, getting out of your car. Yeah, you're right with the fucking valet.

We were like, great, we went to a place that only has valet. There is no parking. The valet is $4,000 and my finger. I'll be like, great. And then we're going to eat, you know, shitty food or have shitty fucking drinks that are so expensive. And then have a whack ass general. It's basically a whack ass general that you pay for. It is like a general. And if there's non-industry heads listening, a general for an actor is you go meet an executive and they ask where are you from how'd

you get into comedy what are you watching what are you what are you into uh so this has been great if i ever cast a project again i'll let you know and you're like cool so i drove to sony which took me 52 minutes oh that's if you. And they told me to park at one gate, but they meant the other one. So I walked across the fucking lot. Sure, I got my rainbow picture, but this was pointless. It's like, that's like what it is.

But then it's like, I feel like too, it's like, you know, because obviously I listen to the pod. I know you. The last time I ran into you, we were at the Virgil. Yes. And you were just about to. You crushed.

I had to follow you. I was so devastated. What are you talking? I'm always like, oh, my God, they're going to think I'm doing a Nicole Byer. You crushed. You were so funny. And then I did new stuff. New stuff sucks because it doesn't work yet.

Well, I know. I'm in that right now. And also how hard it is to force yourself to do new stuff. Especially in L.A. shows because you're like, I just need my laughs so I can go home. And feel better. And feel better about my life. Well, that's literally what happened last night. I was on a show where I got asked to do it last minute and I only agreed to do it

because I was like, it's sold out. It's going to be like a fun one. It's going to be a good one, you know? And I needed to go and win. You know what I mean? Like I needed that

and it wasn't bad, but I didn't win. Yes. Don't you hate shows like that? Where you're like, they were laughing. They were on board, but the way that joke

crushes it didn't quite hit the I didn't get the applause break that I wanted in my normal spots but like it was fine

and people after the show told me it was great but like it just wasn't amazing it wasn't girl I left after I didn't even

wave at anybody say a word I was just like get me out of here I was like it was like very like like I in my head I didn't even wave at anybody and say a word. I was just like, get me out of here. I was like, it was like very like, like I, in my head, you know, I meant to be like Dorothy Dandridge. Give me a big sunglass. I'm walking out a side door no matter where I'm going.

You know what I mean? No one knows who I am, but that's fun for me. Slash, am I fearful of people? Sometimes I'm fearful of people. Right? A little bit? A little bit. I mean, especially different when people do put expectations on you, you know, having

had, seeing you, you know, and thinking they know you. And because you're a warm person, though, too. Thank you. So, you know, I also feel like, too, you're one of those people where, like, who you are on camera is not too far from who you are in real life. So it's not like you have to do too much shape-shifting. I would say. But it's work.

I'm friendlier on camera than I am in person. Like last night, I had done a show, an improv show. It was a real fun show. It was really fun. I had a great time. And then afterwards, we were getting a drink, and this guy came up to me, and he was like, hey, we were so excited to see you, me and my friends. And I was like, oh, thank you. And he's like, my friends are too shy to to see you, me and my friends. And I was like, oh, thank you.

And he's like, my friends are too shy to talk to you, so I came over and I was like, oh, you're the elected person. And we teet-teated about that. And he's like, yeah, we almost didn't recognize you because your hair's different. And I said, that's by design. He goes, oh, so you don't want to be recognized? I was like, oh, no, no, no, I'm kidding.

But also it's by design. And I was like, also, I changed my hair up so much whatever whatever yeah and he's like yeah we all really wanted to yell nailed it at you and i was like while what on stage i think that's what he meant and i was like here is a teachable moment you never have to yell nailed it at me because i was there when we shot it and i know it and you don't you don't have to and I told him a story about this man who almost hit me

who yelled almost nailed it and I was like so like we can all just stop screaming nailed it at me and then he was like oh so you don't like it

and I was like oh god no and then he went nailed it and I was like what we just went through

and I went oh okay and then he like scurried out with all of his friends and I was like yeah I guess I'm not as friendly I seem like I'm approachable but then I'm like please don't

y'all nailed it and then it's a part of the zyguys so people say it all the time and every time someone's like oh yeah you really nailed it I'm like triggered and now I truly understand what the word triggered means cause I'm like literally one phrase takes you back to a moment in time. Oh, boy.

Wait, can you tell me about couples therapy? Oh, yeah. You mean. Is that too personal? Oh, us going. You know, well, you know I live in a sick world where I both have a podcast and live show called Couples Therapy and attend actual couples therapy. Yes, yes. But you know the show part.

Actual couples therapy. Whose idea was it? Oh, mine. Yes, yes. But you know the show part. Actual couples therapy. Whose idea was it? Oh, mine. Okay. Mine. And we were doing it in New York at this place called NIP, which National Institute for Psychotherapy. It was like a teaching place, you know, but most of those people, they're like getting their hours in before they can do their own thing. So they've all been educated and are just like banking clients.

And what I love about them is it's all about that slide and scale. Okay? Because for a large portion of our relationship, we were not employed at the same time ever. And it was like, okay, we got to do this, but we both know we broke. Okay, what can we do? And so we would go there, and our first couples therapist was this young Israeli woman who had served in the army but was now a yoga practitioner as well as a therapist.

She had a very good neutral therapist face, which I personally don't like. I like to know my therapist's background because I think it does kind of inform what they think is normal, what they think is, you know what I mean? Yeah, you've read some books, but it's going to come down to what your mama told you.

Yes. You know? And she was tough. She was a little tough. So we had her for maybe a year. And then she went on maternity leave and was like, here's another colleague. And he is our guy. We still Skype with him from LA.

He's like number one. That's nice. It's nice to find your person. My therapist, I clicked with her like immediately and then she just served me some real truths that i was like oh oh a lot of our work is me talking talking talking her saying something pretty poignant me not listening and then three weeks later her repeating it and then me going, oh, she did say that three weeks ago. And then being like, oh. And then me implementing it in my life and then being like, oh, okay.

You get like, well, I love that idea of what you can implement in your life because that's what I feel like I'm not getting in personal therapy. We're like doing too much talking and she keeps telling me to like not be hard on myself. And I'm like, that's not helpful. But that is something you can implement in your life. Because Mary's always like, be the nice person in your life to yourself. So like you do a show that goes poorly. Don't beat yourself up about it because there's other shows. But what you can do is like

listen to the recording see what maybe maybe you were off maybe maybe something happened maybe it was the audience there's so many different variables you don't have to directly blame yourself or like if you look in the mirror and you're like oh i look terrible today you'd be like well maybe in an hour i won't look terrible but i accept right now that i don't really like what i look like but like but let's not harp on that. Let's just move on. What can I do to make myself feel pretty? Put on a wig.

Put on a pair of shoes you haven't worn in a while. So Mary is very much like allow yourself to have the feelings but don't dwell because they're not – it's not a means to an end. Like you being sad or upset or like hard on yourself isn't gonna last forever oh so like you're gonna say isn't going to help it is the most tiring thing i could possibly do it is tiring so it's like just like acknowledge that you're upset about something and then move on right or acknowledge your feelings and move on yeah that's a m-ism. And truly, I try very hard to implement it. But then sometimes I'll just be in my house sobbing and be like, oh, you can stop at any time.

Life will be good tomorrow. I was literally having a good morning cry today. I've been up, you know, 4.48 a.m. And then I had a good cry around 6.50. Then again at 11.42. What's it like to cry when you have a partner? Well, I'll tell you how I did it this time. I was in the living room.

Oh, okay. I was out in the living room, honey. Yes, yes. Because I'll tell you this. You know, since moving to L.A., we're together so much more than we were in New York because we don't have our separate friend groups. I'll tell you this. You know, since moving to LA, we're together so much more than we were in New York because we don't have our separate friend groups. We pretty much know the same people.

And it's like, we don't have a car yet. And we both kind of want to be social. So I'd be like, okay, let's go to this together. But we're together all the fucking time. So now when I'm having emotions, I'm like, I gotta go somewhere else with this. Do you know what I mean? Just for giving him the break. Not even that he wouldn't be receptive as much as I'm like, not every single thing can be discussed with you all the time.

And I don't think I knew that in the beginning. I literally was like, the point of a relationship is to have this person, you know, that you can bring in everything to. I very, you know, because I was always described and perceived as being a lot, you know, you can bring in everything to. I very, you know, because I was always described and perceived as being a lot, you know? And so it was funny, like right before I met Andy, I was very much in the mindset, I was like, I'm never going to find a dude who's like gets it. I'm never going to find one who's like good enough.

So just like, but I know I'm too like sensitive to just like have sex. So I was like, well, this is my life. And not in a sad way. Like I really was just like, they're all basic and boring. So I'm not going to be bothered. And then this little petite treat comes in. And I was like, wow,

for somebody who looked delicate as fuck, you can kind of hang. He's delicate, y'all, but he can hang. I love it. Hold on. We have to take a break. And we're back. Oh, thank God.

Isn't that a treat? I am at the point right now where I think I'm going to be alone for this next chunk of my life. Until I guess people start getting divorced. And then I can like slide in and be like, hey, so like round one didn't work out. Are you ready for round two with me? Don't say such a thing. But here's my question for you. Yes.

Because I know it's like, what is your type? I don't really have a type. Personality wise? Well, personality wise, I like a dude who is funny to me. I like a little bit of a weirdo because I'm a weirdo. Like very much. I'll just like scream and stuff. Or like sometimes I like to leave a restaurant

with a funny walk. So like, you have to be okay with me basically embarrassing you at random times. Unexpectedly. You're not going to know when it's going to happen or when I'm going to walk funny or how funny it's going to be. But just someone who enjoys being playful, attractive to me, which is a very subjective thing.

Because an ugly dude can end up being attractive because they're funny or whatever. Of course, of course. I would love somebody with a job. Girl. Their own money. And then I really, like, I keep saying, I was like, I don't really want a dude with dreams or a person with dreams. I want them to be living their dreams. Yes.

Sure, you can want more. I want more out of my career. But I'm in a place where, like, I don't have a day job. Like, my day job is my job. Right, right. Which is a huge fucking blessing, and I feel very lucky that I can say that sentence and I don't take it for granted. And then, yeah, just someone who likes me. Well, no, see, this is the thing, though.

Because this is the thing I found back when I was out there trying to make love work. Trying to force, you know what I mean, like a crazy ass man into a normal man's hole. Okay. Men are always going to be attracted to you because you're dynamic. But there's a difference. When I say attracted, they're going to gravitate. They're going to want to be near that. And you got to suss out the ones who are like, this is interesting.

Or this is someone I'm down with. There's a difference. Not somebody who's fucking assessing you or being like, huh. You know what I mean? Because I've had that. I remember back when I would do shows, and guys, the person who met me after a show

was never the person I needed to be talking to. Interesting. To me, it was never. Again, even though I don't think I'm that different, it's not like I'm, I definitely don't tell lies on stage. You know what I mean? Like the stories are the stories.

But at the same time, to me, you like something, what you like is this like, wouldn't it be cool to date a comedian? I do feel like I get that a lot where people are, like I've been on a couple first dates that felt like interviews. I went on one, I don't know a couple first dates that felt like interviews. I went on one. I don't know if I've talked about this one yet. But I went on one recently where he was, like, vaguely adjacent to comedy. But then was asking, like, too many questions about just, like, work and stuff. And I was like, ugh, this honestly, this feels like a general, it feels like a general meeting where you're taking in the information,

but like, I don't know if you actually care. Yeah. It feels like you're just asking questions to be asking them. And then I would ask him questions and he would have like one word responses. And I truly felt like he didn't want me to know anything about him. So yeah,

it just, that was the last date I've been on. And that was the beginning of the year. I just went on the date to like as a palate cleanser. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I had been dating like a lot at the end of last year. You went, you got a ticket to the airport last time I saw you to go into a restaurant. I did.

I went to Guy Fieri's Burger Bar. I have since learned that there's an actual Guy's restaurant in Terminal B. Wow. But the internet told me it was only in Terminal A and it was only a burger joint. So I made this dude go with me to the wrong gate. He was worried that we wouldn't get scanned in. I was like, you shut the fuck up. And then we ate a delightful burger that was pretty good.

And then I found out there was a full ass restaurant on the other side. So now I got to trick some other dude into going on another airport date with me. And they said I couldn't do it. I'll do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to find a man who's going to want it. You're like going on an airport date. It's like very like fucking manic

pixie 500 days of summer for me you know what I mean like very quirky like let's get a refundable ticket and it's like

cause you know what it is like a date that's also an activity a scavenger hunt a moment in time that you will cherish forever very dumb

no it's fun but it's a good way to me like that's why I like when you were like oh yeah like on day three cause I feel like I never really got to that point of being able to It's fun. But it's a good way to me. That's why I like when you were like, oh, yeah, on day three.

Because I feel like I never really got to that point of being able to just be as direct as I want it to be. Because to me, I'm not just saying people want to play it cool or do whatever. Literally, the fucking three-day rules and everything are the worst things that happen to dating. You need to be you or else you're going to waste a whole lot of fucking time. Yes. Also, I'm not a chill person. It's just not who I literally have a podcast where I'm like, okay, everybody, why am I single?

Like that's the unchillest thing a person can do. So like if I click with somebody, I feel I'm like, I have to let you know. Yeah. I don't tell them like in a text because I feel like that's too much to read. Although I would love it. I would love it if someone texted me, I like you so much. I'd be like, oh, my God. But I think with a man, it's like, oh, God, she's fucking, she loves me.

She wants to fucking get married. And it's like, yes, I do. But we don't have to talk about that yet. But, yeah, three dates, four dates in, I'll just say it. If they say it back, great. I've been met with, oh, okay. And I'm like, all right, well, I guess. See you later.

No, no. No, no. I'll keep going out with you. Not now? I mean, nowadays you will? You'll still do it? I will go out with someone until they put both hands on my shoulders and be like, go home. I never want to see you again.

I will date someone until they're like yucked get out of here because i'm a desperate woman no i'm just i think when i spend so much time with somebody and investing my time into them i'm like we we can make this work let's just make this work oh my god exactly that's what i mean're just, like, trying to make somebody someone they're not. But also, too, like, and I think it is changing, but we're around the same age. Like, we grew up on the original sex in the city. We grew up with some of these fucking gendered ideas that were kind of like, well, men are slower. Men are harder.

It's like we literally have made men, like dim animals yes that we are committed to potty training so the problem is that like like that's like the conceptualization of them kind of in culture when it comes to dating so then it makes it so that you're like well he didn't say it back but i know it takes time for guys and they don't always have their word like you're just like we learn so many excuses for them probably before we even even take a dick. Before we have a dick in our mouth or in our hearts. We learn these fucking excuses. I mean, you're right. And I do, I will make excuses for a dude.

I'll just be like, I mean, I guess he's not texting me because, you know, he's busy. And it's like, well, with what? Exactly. What is anyone ever doing but just scrolling on their fucking phone? Exactly. He's not texting you because he doesn't want to be texting you. i've told a couple people to be like i need you to text me more like i like to be in communication with somebody and it's funny because like when i'm

not dating somebody i'm like i don't need to talk to whoever i'm dating every fucking day and then when i'm dating someone i'm like i need to talk to you every fucking day okay have you tried have you ever like dated because i remember I always had fantasies about like, I always thought, because again, when I reached my point where I was like, it's never going to happen. I was like, at this time, I was like 25. That's how quickly I give up. And I was like, he's going to be a 47 year old. Okay.

European man. Okay. Where traveling and taking your time Is part of their culture So it won't mean That he's emotionally damaged And we Will meet each other

And he will like You know He'll be so delighted by me You know what I mean The dynamism He'll be like Oh I love all this personality And attitude

Have you ever taken an older lover? I Have Not personality and attitude. Have you ever taken an older lover? I have not. Everyone has been around my age or like a couple years, like two, three years older, two years younger. I don't know if I'm here for an older man. I guess if I were to date an older man, it would have to be a black man.

Because he's going to be looking good. Yes. Black, older. Like, it's just. Oh, hello. My word. I can't even. I would just love that.

It's so funny because I watched The Wire late. He had already been in some stuff, and everyone was like, Idris Elba, and I was like, I don't get it. And then for some reason, seeing him as a drug kingpin on The Wire, I was like, open and ready. I was like, this is sensuality at its finest. I'll tell you what did it for me. It's a movie called The Mountain Between Us.

I'm the only person who's ever seen it. It stars him and Kate Winslet. It came and went. Nobody liked it except for me. Cut to me watching it on a Delta flight, just weeping. And then being like turned on and then weeping. Which is any relationship, really.

Truly. I really love that movie and I love Idris Elba. I think I would, I don't know, where do you find an older man? But see, that's what I mean, if the apps are going on,

and I'm not saying so much older, I'm even saying just like, Like 40. Exactly. I'm like a 10 years older, especially in a town like LA where people are so into being fit and well.

You know what I mean? You could be 42 and be popping off because we both know some of these 30 year old comedyold comedy boys up here looking 57. Some of them look disgusting. They out here too many bears. My favorite is a nasty-looking comedy boy with a gorgeous girlfriend because I'm like, so you'll fuck a dumpster because it makes you laugh?

Where's my man who wants to fuck this little crusty little garbage can? You are not crusty. I remember running into you at the Gels' and you'll have a full beat on. And I'll be like, we're Gels'. And I'll just say, okay, Nicole, work. Hollywood, hells, baby. I sometimes will put on a full face to go grocery shopping. Not today.

I had a little bit too much tequila last night, so I'm wearing a matted wig that I barely brushed out and no makeup. And I thought these were longer leggings. I'm wearing capri leggings with platform vans. I look crazy. You're giving me 90s realness right now. Thank you. Like a capri and platform vans. I look crazy. You're giving me 90s realness right now. Thank you.

Like a Capri and a Vans. Thank you. It's like it's 1995 and everything's great. I am serving something. So you were single for a little bit in New York. Did you do the apps or no? Girl, I'm going to tell you. Before the apps. Because nine years. So you do the apps or no? Girl, I'm gonna tell you before the apps.

So you missed apps, yes? It's funny. Andy and I, that's Juba's real name. Let's respect his autonomy. His personhood. Anyway, we actually matched again, we didn't know it at the time, on OkCupid. So that was as far as I got to apps. But I'll tell you this, and this is what I mean

about apps and like going out, this is actually your type and going out your side of your comfort zone because like when I saw him on OkCupid I was like no because one

he's shorter than me which I don't have a thing against a shorter guy but if you're telling me the whole purpose of this app is to bring in exactly what I want

I'm not picking shorter do you know what I mean so it wasn't in my checklist and then he said in his thing like one of the questions on OkCupid is like on a typical Friday night, I blank.

And he said, probably improvising with my group. But I was like, hard ass pass. I was like, absolutely not. Yuck. And so I saw her. But it's funny because I didn't put that together. When I met him in person, I didn't think of his picture. Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't until later when I was going back to deactivate once our love was strong. And it was like, are you sure you want to leave? You have these matches. And you were like, and Jubu is one of the matches. And we were like 80-something percent, which I would say is about right for our current love. But I was like, but before that, girl, I did some fucking Craigslist. Did you? Can you imagine?

Can you believe I'm alive? Can you believe I'm alive? Wait, how many men have you met up with on Craigslist? Oh, my God. You know, Jubu don't even know about this. He gonna listen to this and we gonna have to have a talk. I mean, oh, God. I'd say, like, I probably went out with maybe five or six, but I was addicted to, like, because I would play SBF, okay?

Seeks. Single black female. Okay, yes. Seeks, you know what I mean? Like, and I would do different ads to, like, pull in my different. I felt like it was better to be specific in each ad. Did you only answer ads or did you put up ads? I put up and let them come to me.

I didn't just like answer anybody. Did you put your picture up? Yes. Oh, girl. And I know, I know. This is,

uh. And I remember like writing in something where it was like, you know, email me first because I need to make sure you're not my boss,

ha ha ha, or something. Because I was like a freak. But I had like, I literally had a picture. I was like, I did that, okay? a picture I was like I did that okay so we're talking like 2006 you were a risk taker inspirational brave ebony princess

because oh it was insane I answered ads but I would never put a picture of myself up but also I don't think I could ever figure it out what do you mean i don't like on my computer i don't know i'm pretty computer illiterate and in that would be like 2008 times 2009 ish i have no idea how to put a picture on my computer i do not know i guess i could grab one from the facebook yeah but then i'm like i don, I don't know. How do I save it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm dumb is what I'm trying to say.

I'm too dumb. Which makes you an inspiration. Thank you. To us all because you are a success story. Yeah, you could be successful with nothing in your brain. Nothing but just fucking peanuts rattling around. So were any of the dates that you went on good? Oh my God, no.

The one time I definitely thought I was going to be murdered. Oh no. And I'm so glad I wasn't. No, okay. And it was so funny because it was again like those, you know, after I graduated college and was back in New York and it was a little bit of, because I'm from New York, so it wasn't like I was adjusting to the city.

But it was my first time being there as an adult who could go wherever they wanted. You know what I mean? So there were certain times I'd be like, like I was adjusting to the city but it was my first time being there as an adult who could go wherever they wanted you know what I mean so there were certain times I know I'd be like like I was meeting with some dude I feel like he was like an NYU grad student we met down the west village and we had gone back and like we sat having a drink or whatever and it was like you're cute but you're like kind of an asshole I could tell but have you ever had that thing where you're like I'm gonna turn this asshole I'm gonna get this asshole sprung on me. A lot of men I meet where I'm like, I don't think I like you, but I could grow to like you if I mold you in my image.

All right, where are my gloves? I need to get to work. Polymer clay and several metals. It's so silly that I feel like a man can meet a woman and immediately be like, no. Right. Or like, I'll just fuck him.

Or like, this bitch is dumb. But like, I feel like women, I'm not, I don't want to generalize, but I feel like a lot of times we're like,

I can turn this negative into a positive. Yeah. If I do enough work, I, yes I can, yes we can. Obama was right.

Yes we can change him into the man I want did you go to school like middle school high school like were you one of the few black kids or was it not yeah

okay very very few black kids but also how did that also affect your dating well like that early you know that early middle school

high school like pseudo sexual you know when you're kind of doing that how was that well my mom anytime I was that well my mom anytime I would

tell my mom everything and I would tell her I had a crush on somebody and she'd be like well you might have a crush on them but don't

don't get too upset if it's not reciprocated and I'd be like what do you mean she's like a boy might say he likes you but like

I don't think he's gonna bring you home to his family you know with your little black ass my mother did the same like when I decided to go to she like got in her head after literally years of sending me to fucking Dalton on the upper east side of Manhattan she was like

you gotta go to a historically black college and I was like I do and then when I didn't and I didn't choose that and she was like well Naomi I'm just sad for you because I don't think you're going to have any boyfriends or have any experiences. If you go to, like, she legit was like, no one will love you. Oh, no. So, yes, that same thing.

Well, I think our moms, I think people forget that, like, segregation was literally, what, 47 years ago? Or, like, 57 years. It was not that long ago. Those people are all still alive. My great aunts who were like in their 60s, 70s remember segregation because they lived through it. So I think when my mom was telling me shit like that, it wasn't to hurt my feelings.

It was like, this has been my experience with white people and this might be yours because all those people who were for segregation are now, or like, who also lived through it are now parents of kids.

What are they teaching their kids? Right, that's what they assume. Of course, I mean, well, my grandma, she got,

Andy got to meet my grandma before she died, but she was like, my grandma lived to be 98, fucking picked cotton in Mississippi, you know, as a girl,

and then like, she, homegirl paid for her own funeral and cut every grandkid a check, okay? So she did it. Yes, bitch, you know, as a girl. And then like she, homegirl paid for her own funeral and cut every grandkid a check, okay? So she did it. Yes, bitch, you did it. You know what I'm saying? So she was like that person.

But even with all that, she was like a teacher. When she met Andy, when he came around, she was so like, she would just like look at him and laugh. Like when she was like 96, 97, and she would just be like,

look at him over there. Is he okay? And then we'd be like, he's doing fine, grandma. And then she'd be like, look at him over there. Is he okay? And then we'd be like, he's doing fine, Grandma. And then she'd be like, do his people like you? Do his people like you is the question. And I was like, and then Andy said, they like her more than me. My grandmother thought that was the funniest thing she had ever fucking heard.

Well, probably because she has had so few positive interactions with white people. Oh, goodness. And it was just like too good she was like his people do his people like you that is so fucking funny oh but it's also like i feel but i feel like i was asking you about that too that high school middle school stuff because it does i think impact the way we think about dating and guys and stuff because we didn't learn we were desirable till later yeah i guess i growing up i didn't find myself desirable because i wasn't i made some real questionable fashion choices hair choices tell me your fashion choices well i think it was sixth grade i was obsessed with

an oatmeal colored sweater and i begged was obsessed with an oatmeal-colored sweater, and I begged my mother for an oatmeal-colored sweater, and then she bought me these dark flare jeans from Old Navy, and I wore them with some Steve Madden fucking stompers, like a six-inch heel with a big, chunky front. You couldn't tell me I wasn't cute. No foundation. Bumpity bump pimples.

You better believe I had a clip on fucking ponytail. Yes! Hair slicked back, different texture than the ponytail. Always. You better believe I had some Blue Clinique eyeshadow on. Blue Clinique? Yes, girl. No foundation.

So just blue eyeshadow. Just blue eyeshadow and just a touch. Mommy can't know I'm wearing it. And I just, I looked bad. But like you couldn't tell me I wasn't everything. But see, I love that at least you were like, I am winning. I was like, so where you were giving us like, you were trying to serve us like early ariana grande with a platform girl i was into very much sixth grade it was a wide leg jean an oversized mickey mouse sweatshirt okay

in an array of colors all right i was big on mickey mouse and always in a ponytail of my own natural hair that i couldn't be bothered to do anything to. I've always been very hair lazy. But your hair looks so good. Your hair always looks outstanding. It lies flat. What a dream for all of us. When I was relaxing my hair,

because you're a blown out relaxer. When I was relaxing my hair, it sometimes would stick out like a teepee like my hair it was so coarse that truly the hairdresser should have been like a relaxer is gonna do nothing for you you need to put weight on it if you want it to lay against your face yeah you're gonna have to do more than just the relaxer my friend is what she should have said but instead i just looked insane for a very long time. And I like,

you couldn't tell me I was in an awkward phase, but looking back, I was like, Oh, my awkward phase was years. If not my awkward life and not a phase because, and then I look completely different from high school to now. Like if you look at pictures of me from high school, you're like, who is she?

And then there was one point where I was wearing only red weaves. Red weaves? Red weaves, blue contacts. After my mother died, I was like, I want to break free. And was like, I'm going to wear everything. She said I couldn't. This woman was doing the Lord's work by saying you cannot have blue contacts and red hair. You cannot.

You are not a rapper. No, you cannot wear a knockoff Louis Vuitton Air Force One sneaker with the rainbow LVs. You cannot do that. And I said, you're dead, lady. I'll do whatever I want. Looking like a mermaid. Truly. Out in the streets.

Yes, and nobody wanted to date that. And I respectfully understand why every man at Middletown High School South was like, no, thank you, boo-boo. No, thank you. I respect it. I'm here for it. I was too much then. I'm too much now. Now I'm just like, I don't know. We've it. I'm here for it. I was too much then. I'm too much now. Now I'm just like, I don't know.

We've all been living for a long time. So like, let's fucking do it. Yes. Because I'm the most fun you're ever going to have in your life. Okay. Truly, I've gotten to a point where like before bed, I'm like, all right, God. Like, is it a joke? Like, do I have to say something special or something?

What do I have to do to get a man? I'm perfect. It's got to be like in one of those bad movies where a stand-up bombs on stage and yet somehow gets the big part. You know what I mean? You need to go on a date and literally start sobbing. Have a full breakdown.

You know what I mean? Literally open with just darkness. Oh God, the torture. And that's going to be the guy. And then he'll be like, I love this. Wait, how did you boo propose to you? Sorry, I'm jumping all over the place. It's so not dynamic to the point where I was resentful for a very long time.

I can say it now. I feel like your listeners are going to be like, who is this ungrateful bitch? No, but I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Literally, he just called me in the other room and was like, Naomi, come here. I have a question. And then I came in there, and he had the ring box open. And he was like, would you marry me?

And it was a total surprise, of course. I was literally like, what is happening? What is this? What are we doing? So I was, I mean, the surprise part was there. But I think why initially i was like what what because he is a you know he was somebody who i've been with for so long who like would do like these elaborate sketch shows and make his own fucking props it was like he is such

a creative person and put all that in there i go you couldn't break me off a video you know what i mean i was like you ain't gonna put some of this creativity. I go, you couldn't break me off a video? You know what I mean? I was like, you ain't gonna put some of this creativity into the one time you do this in your life? You're like, you have six wigs for one character and you couldn't put one of those wigs on to propose to me? I get what you mean.

But of course, again, that was of a time and I think obviously it spoke to, because I was very insecure in the relationship for a long time. You know, having never been in anything that long, both being in these careers where it's like, what are we doing? And do I want to commit to somebody else who's also struggling? Like, all of that was part of it. You know what I mean? And of course, now, if I say, it's like, there is, and also when he describes it, he says, he's like, you know, it's actually for that same reason that I said. He's like, everything I do is so fucking orchestrated.

I want it to be direct. I want it to be simple. I want it to be me and you. And when he explained that, you're like, well, okay, of course, that's gorgeous. I can't be mad at you. You know what I mean? Sweet. I want a public proposal specifically.

proposal specifically I don't know if I've said this but I want it to be like in a restaurant or like somewhere public like that where he gets on one knee and then I start screaming and like rolling around on the floor I'm like me you mean marry me

to the point where like everyone is like he shouldn't marry her. They're gonna think it's an improv everywhere bitch. Yes. And they're going to be like, he should walk away. Yes. And I want someone to stand up and be like, don't marry her.

She's bad. And then I want to sit down and just have dinner and have people be like, well, that was too much. I really hated that that just happened. And then we go home and fuck. I don't know. I wanted to be public and stupid i think that could that could be arranged i've never seen a public proposal before like in real life you know um i definitely am like those seem stressful to me you know especially

like you know in new york where i was where you're just like okay it's anybody's game a hobo because they'll bring out your hand yeah i'm just like this feels so stressful my friend had a public proposal our other friend like orchestrated it and I was supposed to be in New York at the time so I was gonna do it but then I ended up being here and I think he had someone like singing and then they were watching someone sing and then her now husband proposed that way I don know. It was just like on the streets of New York and people were clapping. There's a video of it. Well, that's tender.

Somebody else just got proposed to. They told me somebody gave them $200. What? And she's, some, oh, forget. They got engaged and then somebody on the train and then some like rich lady gave them $200. I was like, I never ride the subway. That was wonderful.

She thought she was at a show and was tipping somebody at a drag show. That's so funny. Isn't that so funny? She's like, I've never seen an ensemble like this. Can I lip sync to a proposal like this? Here is your $200 tip. That is so funny. I would love to do anything and just get tipped $200.

Right? That's what I was like, damn, anything and just get tipped $200. Right? That's what I was like, damn, you got to propose up in these streets. Right? I once got tipped a stupid amount of money because I dropped a bunch of drinks on the table and I like made a joke. Yeah. And they laughed really hard at the joke and they were like, you're so funny. Here's lots of money. And I think they were like, we got to get her out of here. She's too funny to be's lots of money. What? And I think they were like, we gotta get her out of here.

She's too funny to be dropping drinks on people. She also can't seem to balance a tray. Where was this? In New York or LA? This was in New York. I was working at this place called Purnima. It's on season one, episode two of Kitchen Nightmares. You can see my old roommate, Jenny. She's featured

on the show. They filmed it before I got hired, and I was the worst waitress in the world. And I also used to leave my number on checks of hot boys. Oh, so you always been in a gang. Here, this is for the blonde. Or like, this is for the black one of the group. And nobody ever called me. And I think it was like, well, she's bad at this job.

She'll probably be bad at the job of being a girlfriend. I don't know. I've always been very bold. It's good. You're the bold and the beautiful. You have to be. I think as you, look, we've all talked about it. It is hard out there for a pimp.

Truly. It's hard out here for a hoe. Exactly. So it's like, if it's hard for a pimp, it's sure as shit harder for a hoe. So, you know what I'm saying? It's going to take its time. But what I wonder is, are you balancing yourself? Do you tend to be like, okay, I'm going to go on a bunch of dates, see who's out in these streets, and then pull back for a couple months?

Or are you just kind of always rolling? For a while, I was always rolling, always swiping, always trying to get to the next. And then 2019 came, and said i'm tired also uh i don't know what work is gonna be bringing me everything's kind of up in the air right now with my job sketch uh but i know i'm touring a lot so i'm like when i'm home for the five days working on stuff and then do I want to spend my evenings doing shows to build material or do I want to be going on dates dates do kind of give you

material sometimes but then on the flip side it's not worth it you better be making that shit a business expense I do I write off all of my dates. Yes! Because I have, and if I get audited, I'll be like, oh, I can tell you that was a date

for drinks, and I do this podcast called Why Won't You Date Me, so you gotta go on the dates to get the source material. Yeah, audit me. No, don't. Do not. Yeah, IRS, please don't. yeah uh irs uh please don't um i'm in the the the mindset right now of i'm taking a little break yeah uh because i do anticipate because right now you know how like life isn't busy and then it's so much busier than you thought it was ever gonna be oh the worst fucking it's a little

confusing yes this industry and this business has such a rhythm that like you'll never get on beat yeah i'm always on a one and three truly you're just like am i going somewhere am i staying home yeah now i just know to get fucking trip insurance i finally learned that i mean if you plan a trip you will book something and luckily i fly with delta a lot even though Delta and I fight. I guess I'm in a relationship with Delta. I'm constantly fighting with them. This is why you don't have time for love in your life

until you and Delta get free. Until I get free of Delta. But I, so I'm like a diamond medallion, the highest tier. That's like all I've ever wanted. Well, they basically, if I miss a flight or like, I'm like, I'm not, I have to cancel it or whatever. They don't take money from me.

So they'll put it in like my little bank account with them. It's a do more Delta. And then like little credits. And then sometimes they'll just give me my money back. Oh my God. They're very good to me monetarily. But you'll never see me open a blanket on Delta. Ever again.

Again. Wait, what's one of the worst Craigslist dates you've been on? Okay, it was, oh, God. I don't think he was Craigslist. He was another website that I'm now blanking on the name of that was like, before I could keep it in all of these. And he saw me. He was like, I saw you out at the bar.

But literally, he saw me at a bar. When he said what bar he saw me at, I was like, you literally saw me sitting on another man's lap. So very bold, very brave. But again, I was like, okay. I was like, wow. Because at the time that he wrote me, it was like a month later, too. And that guy had gone back to Australia. Girl, don't let me get started on my time in Australia.

Wait. How long were you in Australia? A little under a year. That was 2008 to 2009. What part of Australia? Sydney. How long were you in Australia? A little under a year. That was 2008 to 2009. What part of Australia? Sydney. I'm sorry. Uh-huh.

Not knowing what I know. My condolences to you. Having been there, I should have been in Melbourne. It was much better for me. For staying in Sydney for as long as you did. I hated Sydney.

It's very boring for me. It's pretty, but people love to touch your hair. Oh, girl. Who you tell? Okay, but people love to touch your hair. Oh, girl. Who you tell? Okay, but literally I get to Sydney. I drive. I have a job interview maybe my first week there.

I go to the store to buy like work pants. You know, I haven't brought that stuff. I'm reaching on a rack. A white woman touches my arm and goes, Ooh, your skin. In these streets at a DMC. She don't know me at a damn she don't know me yep you don't know me and i had braids at the time which i'm gonna tell you that's the best part of anything you'll find an african to braid your hair no matter where you go i found the street in sydney australia

where the africans rolled up it was like the 125th street of sydney and i was like i never found that i'm very jealous it was the best in newtown was the little suburb and it was like, keep it light. I never found that. I'm very jealous. It was the best. And Newtown was the little suburb. And it was like a strip of African hair salons. And I was like, I'm here. I get it. Good to know. For the next time I don't go. But they would touch my hair.

And then people would always ask me. You know what they'd always ask me too? They'd ask me if I was Sudanese. Because what they were asking me was if I was a refugee. Oh, my God. That would happen a lot. People would think I was a goddamn Fuji up in that country. Okay.

And then I, that was also the place where a guy said to me, you're pretty for a black girl. And then when I got mad, he was like, that was a compliment. And that's when I knew

I couldn't stay. Yeah, I'm not, uh, Sydney's bad, I think. No offense if you live in Sydney, but I've just never been touched

more than there. Yeah. And in like a way where I went to a club, this girl was touching my hair and I was like, can you not? She's like, I just wanted to feel it. So then I touched hers and she was, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know, touching your strings. I like, I don't, what do you mean?

What am I doing? But also I did a lot of drugs there and that was fun. Also, we went to one bar and it was huge. And I was like, oh my God, I need to get into this other room. And then I couldn't get into the other room because it was a mirror. And my friends let me walk up to this mirror and try to go through it for like a long time. And then I realized my mistake and was like, hmm. I think I'm gonna turn around

and they're all gonna be laughing at me and I think other people will be too but I was like but I can't just stare at this mirror for the duration

of our time here so then I turned around and my friend John was emphatically like pointing and laughing at me like was he taking footage I'm like

I don't think he took any footage they were just letting you. There was a whole wall of mirrors, and I didn't stop at just one. You kept trying to get in. I needed to get into that other room, and I'm proud to say,

hadn't taken or drank anything yet. Oh, no! Like, completely sober, being like, gotta get into this mirror. Nicole, that is a humbling moment naomi it's like my brain honestly it's a struggle every day just to function and be normal i have a question naomi would you ever date me oh my god hell yeah i would date. I probably couldn't hang. I'm too sad and don't like to drink anymore. But I'd date the shit out of you.

Thank you. I would come places if you needed me to meet you wherever you were. You having a busy schedule, too, to me, it's like catnip for guys. The fact that it's like, I could only see her for one weekend a month, like the goddamn army. It would be like, I'd be like, I just have to be there. I just have to be there. This is when she's available. I have to be there. Well, thank you, Naomi.

Thank you, Nicole. I would date you. Thanks. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? Well, you guys, if the sound of my voice didn't upset you, and you like a good laugh, why not download Couples Therapy Podcast?

Nicole and Sashir were on it together. We were because we are a non-sexual couple. You are. We are constantly going on vacations together, and I am constantly doing dinner reservations where I say we just got engaged. We went to one restaurant in Miami where I told her before we got there I was like so on the reservation I said we just got engaged and I'm gonna fully

make up a story when we get there and she was like sure we get there and the lady's like we're celebrating an engagement and I said yes I proposed to her today on a jet ski and the ring dropped into the ocean but she doesn't care cause she loves me and so she slowly turned to me I think fully forgot that I was gonna make up something Dropped into the ocean, but she doesn't care because she loves me.

And so she slowly turned to me. I think fully forgot that I was going to make up something. It was very fun. And then I embarrassed her a bunch more at dinner. Okay, so Couples Therapy podcast. You also do a live show with The Virgil. Yes, first Saturday of every month. It's very fun. You should go.

The Virgil, if you're in L.A., is in Sturelark. And then you wrote for, what is the name of the show? you should go The Virgil if you're in LA is in zero relarge and then you wrote for what is the name of the show? HBO show called Mrs. Fletcher starring Catherine Hahn

woman's son leaves for college and they both get some lessons that's what I'm saying they both get some lessons yes yes that's a long line

everybody so yeah also what's the other show? What did I say? Great News? Oh, yeah, but that's on the Netflix season two. Why not? I mean, watch it on the Hulu.

Watch it where you can stream it so we can get Naomi her residual. Hello. Trying to pay for a wedding. Yes, that I'd like to get invited to. If you liked this episode of Why Won't You date me um like it rate it on itunes subscribe listen all day long and if you send me a nasty thing hitting on me i'll read it this person emailed me at my i have an email address bacon can save at gmail.com sometimes when i'm bored i will respond to people.

But lately I've been getting too many and that's why I haven't been responding. But this person, her name is Melanie, she wrote, I want to suck your clit so hard that whole fat chocolate milk squirts out. Thank you for your time, Ms. Byer. And that really made

me happy. Okay, this is what a man named Ryan said to me. He's not hitting on me, but he's giving me some advice. I have been lessening to your podcast. I think he meant listening. That's okay. Why won't you date me? I like that he told me which one. Right, right, right.

It's super clear why you don't have a boyfriend. You're not an honest person, and you set up roadblocks for yourself you don't have to change your personality if you did that would truly be the saddest thing but it's clear to me why your profiles are failing you if you want me to explain call and then he gave me his number and then said after 6pm NYC which I think he thinks means Eastern Standard Time or another number his job

with the extension and then says this is my 9 to 6 job so like he works an hour harder than the average person cause I always thought it was a 9 to 5 so no see Ryan is like trying to sell you a 10 disc set.

Okay? He's trying to get you on a damn phone and give you a series of audio books that will change your life. I guess so. As part of a pyramid scheme.

Ryan, I don't think I'm going to call you. But if you would like to get back into the DMs and let me know more about what you think is wrong with my profiles, please, please slide back into the DMs and let me know more about what you think is wrong with my profiles, please, please slide back into the DMs. Okay. Thank you for listening. Thank you, Naomi. Thank you. Bye. this has been a team coco production