Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Why'd You Stop Dating Me? (w/ Nick Snow)

Episode Date: August 17, 2018

Nicole and Nick Snow dated for a month, before Nick decided they should stop seeing one another. Now he's on the podcast to reminisce their first date, get closure on some things, and get confronted on why he stopped dating her.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single, even though I'll eat a pickle out your butt, even though I hate pickles!

My guest today, he's not an actor, and he's not a comedian, but he's an editor! And we met on an app! His name is Nick Snell! Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo! Hi, Nick. Hey! How are you? I'm great, I'm great. And we met on an app, his name is Nick Snell. Hi Nick. Hey. How are you? I'm great, I'm great.

Nice to be here, it's cool. So have you done a podcast before? No, no, never. I've listened to a lot, but I've never been on one. Okay, well, welcome. Thank you. I'm honored that you said yes, and it's going to be fun, baby. Yeah, let's hope so.

Okay. So, no, it will be. It'll be great. So, we met on an app. Yes. We met on Tinder. Tinder, yeah. Do you, are you on other apps, or are you just on Tinder? I don't use Tinder anymore. What do you use now? No, I've switched over fully to Hinge.

Hinge, baby. Hinge? It's great. I have not had luck on Hinge. Really? No, and I can't figure out, maybe it's like the settings, I'm setting it too far, but I keep getting people on the west side and I'm like, there's

no dick good enough to drive to the west side. Yeah, I had like a really good connection like a couple of weeks ago and then it was in like Playa del Rey and it's just like, I'll never, this will never work. This wasn't meant to be. You'll never see each other. You'll never like meet in the middle,

which sounds romantic, but like, it's not. No, no. It's not fun. Yeah, I try to set the search radius as small as possible now, but there's still, Hinge, yeah, Hinge is search radius as small as possible now. But there's still Hinge. Yeah, Hinge is bad about that, where they will kind of allow other people in. Okay, so it's not me.

It is Hinge. Yeah, no, and I haven't been able to figure that out yet. But yeah, no, but other than that, Hinge has been, I mean, honestly, it's been good connection-wise, but next level, going on actual dates, it's not as great. Why? Do you know? No, you don't it's not as great why do you know um no no it's there's like a fizzle there's always like you know there's it's a lot more because i mean i feel like with tinder it's like you have like two or three messages back and forth and then it's just like uh hey like let's meet up um but hinge the uh the the discussion kind of stretches out longer and longer.

I mean, you've been on it. It's like question-based. Yeah, and you have to be like, why do you like tacos or whatever? It'll be like, who do you want to invite to a dinner, dead or alive? Yeah, there's a lot of those. Do we really want to talk? That's like when you've run out of things to say to someone. You're like, hey, babe, if we had a dinner party and someone was dead and

you wanted to invite them who would it be like it's not i don't think that's a good icebreaker yeah no i have i i somehow um the worst worst icebreaker i have on there has been i literally 95 of responses have come from it and like the prompt is agree or disagree and i just put hot dogs or sandwiches and i get five five answers a day from that because I mean and I feel like I've tried to think about it and it's like it's a it's a really stupid trivial thing but it's polarizing it gives it's polarizing and it gives you a chance to have kind of like those like dumb like kind of flirty arguments where it's like no you're so wrong blah and I have no horse in the race so I I just take the opposing view of whatever the girl answers.

So that's like negging, isn't it? I mean, as light as negging gets, I guess. What is your actual opinion? You know, I feel a lot of hot takes on it, and I'm kind of, I don't know, it's both for me. Because if, I don't know, oh God, I've had this conversation so many times on this sorry now you gotta do it okay so so if it's if if the argument is that it's two pieces of bread makes a distinct sandwich then things like like a Philly cheesesteak which isn't a fully split piece of bread okay that's that's for me a for sure sandwich okay so but upon, you know?

That's not a split piece of bread, but that's definitely a sandwich. All right. But I honestly, if I had a gun to my head, I would say hot dogs are not sandwiches. That is correct. Yeah. That's the correct answer. A Philly cheesesteak is also not a sandwich. A Philly cheesesteak is a Philly cheesesteak.

A bon me is a bon me. But those are subcategories of sandwiches. Well, you're not saying ham and cheese everywhere you go. You'd say a ham and cheesesteak. A banh mi is a banh mi. But those are subcategories of sandwiches. Well, you're not saying ham and cheese everywhere you go. You'd say a ham and cheese sandwich. True. Yeah, I guess you don't say a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. No.

When things have names, they're named. This is what I'm doing with my podcast. I'm blowing people's minds. I'm letting you think and explore. So are you single right now? Yes, yes. And are you having fun are you like single and loving it uh i don't really go on a lot of dates um this new job that i'm working i i'm at work until about like seven o'clock every night so um i also i still play a lot of tennis so so tennis um i've i i kind of had to have a moment a couple months ago where it was like,

am I going to focus on, you know, kind of becoming a better tennis player or am I going to continue, you know, kind of treading water on these apps? So tennis won. Okay. And I'm great. I've become such a better tennis player. I love it. I like tennis. I like the way it looks. I think it such a better tennis player. I love it. I like tennis. I like the way it looks. I think it looks very cool to be like bopping a ball back and forth. Yeah.

But it's a lot of work. And I think I have an aversion to it because my dad played tennis. Okay. And I had to go to tennis camp every fucking summer growing up. That's good though. If you ever picked it back up, all that stuff is like retained in your mind. I don't know. And you can play tennis in like a weekend. I don know there's like a real just block because then like we would

go to camp and then we would go to the park and we would hit it against the wall and he'd be like you're not trying hard enough and i'd be like i am and we were two little black kids me and my sister so i think he was like this is my serena and that's my venus yeah and we were like no we're catherine and nicole we don't want to play tennis. It's a good way to make money, though. Venus and Serena, they're good. It is a good way to make money. I don't make any from it, but.

You could. No. Tennis tournaments. The level that I play, there's no prize money. You get a trophy, though. You can organize it and you can say $30 entry fee and then you collect all that money and whoever wins makes that money. That's a good idea. Yeah. There's like, um, there's a Showtime documentary on a tennis coach named Nick Boletari that just came out called love means zero. And yeah, he,

he was just some random Italian guy who started coaching tennis in his mid fifties. And you know, he, he's like the best coach ever now. So that's that that's my backup plan for when editing social media videos dies out it won't yeah we're gonna turn into virtual reality we'll need someone to edit our lives yeah yeah this videos just keep getting shorter and shorter and someone needs to edit those i guess so so would you really um coach tennis is that like a thing you want to do um my goal in life right now is to be on a tennis court as much as possible okay so um if i'm not getting paid to play it then that's really my only other choice um so yeah i would i mean i'm not again i'm not good enough to be a coach but

maybe in 20 years lie to people yeah no that No, that's, that's what Volitary did. Yeah. I'm the best tennis player in fucking Sweden. But then they like, but then they like look at my body and they're like, no, you're not. Yeah. But you're like, I quit playing for a couple of years.

You know, you know, the body took over itself. What is one of the worst dates you've ever been on? Um, I went on one recently. Uh, well you, um, you, no offense. Our first date was bad?

No, no, no. Now that you're smoking again. But the worst, the worst first impression on a first date I had was a girl walked up smoking a cigarette. Ah. Yeah. And that's like, you know, put out the cigarette, throw it out and then it's like, hey. So it was like, oh God.

But you know, I went through with it. She just wanted hey so it was like oh god uh but you know i went through with it she just wanted you to know that she was a bad girl who doesn't conform she was yeah no fuck she was wearing a leather jacket too so i was i was very i was very intimidated by her um but beyond that like a bad i i don't know i don't really i don't have bad first dates because i okay i can uh this is just like me talking myself up I can like talk to anybody about anything and be interested for at least an hour you know so um I thought uh I thought going on dates not drinking would be a problem but it really hasn't been I've it's really kind of forced me to to be like you know the host of the date to like to keep like to keep the

conversation going, and to try not to talk about tennis too much. Well, not drinking on a date is interesting, because usually I drink on dates. With you, I didn't, because you don't drink, so I was like, I can do that. That's fucking easy. But it forced me to be like, oh, what's your real opinion?

What's not a funny opinion on this thing? It forces you to just, I don't know, be a little bit more truthful. I feel like, and I think people think alcohol makes you more truthful. I was like, alcohol just makes you more bold.

Bold. Totally. Yeah. And I feel like, like drinking on first dates versus, versus not drinking on first dates. It's like things progress so much faster when both people are drinking. So it's like you like not drinking.

I have never, I've never hooked up on a first date like it's it's not something that like you know i've never even like had like a makeout on a first date it's just like it's one of those really just like get to know each other and yeah so i feel like with alcohol on the first date you kind of you can kind of progress things way too quickly and you can kind of get to a point where you feel like you really know this person but it's just like is that you know just kind of the impaired brain talking like was it you know do you feel like you know this person because you went home with them on the first date um so yeah it's really it's really kind of taken out like things just across the board progress much more

slowly um which is which is a problem then because uh you know because then you're five dates in before before you know kind of real things have to be talked about you know so um that's that's one of the problems but um at the same time yeah you don't have like those weird kind of yeah because i think tinder and all these apps I say it all the time on this podcast, it creates a false sense of intimacy. And then you meet the person and then you drink with them. Then you're like, oh, we're best fucking friends. We like know each other.

Then you think about it the next day and you're like, actually, I don't think I know any more about that person than I did before we went out. I don't even know that person's last name. I do ask for last names because I like to look people up on the internet. Yeah, that's good. That's I mean, it's, you know, just see, that can be tough too, though, because if you look

somebody up too much, I find this with people I play tennis with. If you look people up too much and you bring up stuff that you haven't talked about before, that it's just like, oh, shit, like how much today? Yeah. How much today? Looking at them. Yeah, exactly. So it's just like, oh, tell me about yeah how much did they looking at them yeah exactly so it's just like oh tell me about like you know your dog and it's like i didn't tell you how to dog

um even though that's like the third thing i tell anybody about me but um i try real hard to just play stupid like if i say something that i'm not supposed to know like how do you know i'm like huh move on to the next one you just kind of laugh a bunch and then they're like, oh, she's just being a little weird. So you messaged me first. So what, do you remember my profile? I remember you had, I think it was a photo with a huge dildo. Is that right? Yeah, baby.

But you didn't mention it. The dildo? You didn't. No, you don't open with that. It's like if you see someone on the street. I don't know. I guess if you have a friend that has a bandage around their head, you don't want to immediately. Because you don't want them to think that that's the first thing.

And also, it's like, I don't know. What am I going to say? You ever dealt with one that size? You'd be surprised. 75% of my messages are that. Jesus. Like so many. Like, is that the size you really like?

And I'm like, no. If I did, I would say it right in my profile. I'd be like, that dildo you see, I take it every night. That's one of like the, I wouldn't say a disadvantage, but that's one of the things about being like a not psycho that dates out here is that once you kind of prove that you get all of the psycho stories. So, so yeah, just like the messaging, like the guys that, I mean, it's, it's a cliche, but like the whole, the whole dick pic thing and like how it's just like how quickly it seems to, to progress with like some. how quickly it seems to progress with like some, and what the crazy thing is,

is like there's no guy I know that I think would do that, but there has to be guys that I know that do that. But there's so many guys you know that do that. Have you never sent a dick pic? Not unwarranted. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. No, God no. I, whenever, I was like texting this guy,

we were going to try to meet up and like go have a drink or whatever. And he's like, do you want to see my dick? And I was like, I was like texting this guy, we were going to try to meet up and like go have a drink or whatever. And he's like, do you want to see my dick? And I was like, I mean, no. Once you've seen three, you've kind of seen them all. Yeah. But he was like, I'm going to send it anyway. And I was like, all right.

So he sent it. It was a dick. Was it big? And then it was fine. It was like, it wasn't anything to like write home about. But then again, like, I don't know if I'd ever write home about it. Dear Catherine, my dear sister,

I saw a big old honking dick today. It's like, like the civil war, like documentary. Like you see your handwriting. Yeah. It was like a fine dick. And then he was like,

your turn. And I was like, no, he was like, why not? And I was like, I don't send nude pictures to people. I guess.

why not? And I was like, cause I don't just Google image, a fat black woman naked. And then imagine nude pictures to people. I guess. Well, why not? And I was like, because I don't. Just Google image a fat black woman naked and then imagine my head on top. I guess. I guess. Is that is that the thinking that like, oh, if I send a dick pic, then I might get something in response. Maybe. But a lot of like for every guy who asks me for a picture, there's like 10 who are just like, look at what I have.

Yeah. No, it's it's a, it's a weird power thing. I guess. It's odd. Forcing someone to look at your dick. And it's like, I'll look at a dick. I like them, but I like them in person. What am I going to do with a picture?

Yeah. Like fucking be like, I'm going to fucking rub one out. Yeah, just like set it up on your dresser and just like zoom in on it. Yeah, no, it's a strange phenomenon it's very weird okay honor because i'm literally trying to figure out oh i'm still single so honor what was your first impression of me on our date i know i had wild hair yeah that was when you had really long braids right i had colorful braids then very long braids. Okay, yeah. So that was at the place next to UCB, right?

Yeah, Franklin, because I had a show there and I was like, I'm not going to travel anywhere else. I'm going to make this very convenient for me. Yeah, no, the first impression, well, because, I mean, I told you this, I think before even going on the date that I was aware, you know, I was aware of your work. I think you told me on the date. You may have said it before. I don't remember. I saved it. Yeah.

So, you know, I was like, wow, she's a lot like she is on podcasts and TV. It's not a character she plays. But yeah, no, beyond that, I thought it was great. I thought it was, I thought we got along really well. We had, you know, the conversation rolled um i thought it was nice yeah the food was good at that place yeah franklin and company baby yeah they're not paying me but they've got really good fried chicken you do have to season it yourself but it is a good i think it's a good it's not the best fried chicken it's like doable yeah yeah but it was it was it was a good, it's not the best fried chicken. It's like doable. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was, it was, it was a good date. It, um, you had that show. So it was, uh, the perfect kind of first date where it's finite, you know, where there's like a time limit, which I think is, I think that's important. It was like, I have to go, I have to go do another show. Goodbye. No, which is, which I think is good. Cause then, you know, um, not that like, you know, not that I was like trying to get out

of there, but in situations when you do trying to get out of there but in situations when you do want to get out of there it's good because then you're not like I mean I have the dog so I can always just have like the oh you know my dog's been in his crate for three hours so I gotta get home that's smart yeah but I've never used

my dog as an excuse I always just be like I have to go write a script and they're like what I'm like, ah! It's due at 8 a.m. I'm under a tight deadline. Which is never a real thing. They'll take a script whenever you fucking, it's not a thing.

I went on a date with another video editor and she had the best, she wanted to get out of there and she had the best get the fuck out where she kind of play acted looking at her phone and she's like oh no i sent out a cut but the link is bad so i had to run back to the office really quick and send out a fresh link and me as an editor i'm like i've done that before but at the same time i'm like it's like 8 30 on a friday like you're not going back to the office but i it was fine oh that was when i lived over on the west side That was the worst dating of my life I don't like the west side

Yeah, no, it's really bad I lived in Culver City And it was I lived there for 11 months I couldn't even do a full year lease It was You know, they have good restaurants Good food out there, good karaoke bars

But beyond that, no, it's awful What's your favorite karaoke song? Karaoke song is Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen. It's not a deep cut, but it's like- How does that go? He says Thunder Road a lot in the chorus. Thunder Road, we're rolling down Thunder Road. I don't know.

I truly don't know the song. It's on the same album as Born to Run, and it just kind of sounds like Born to Run. I couldn't tell you a Bruce Springsteen song. Oh. Which is bad, because I'm from Jersey, and he's from Jersey. Same with that Mr. Jovi man. What's his name?

John Bond? Yes. Yeah, John. How do you forget that? John Bond Jovi. What an insane name. That can't be his government name. Yeah, I think it is.

Or, yeah, probably not. No, no, I know what it is. His real name is John, I think it's Bongiovi. It's like an Italian last name. Oh, okay. To make it easier. I could be making that up completely. But, yeah, John Bongiovi.

Internet, people listening, take that for what it is. It's the truth. It's like how Guy fieri's real name is guy fairy oh no that really crushes my soul oh no i still like him i am obsessed with guy fieri and i now own a flame bowling shirt flame shorts flame shoes and a flame bikini and i was on the phone my best friend the other day and i was like what if i get like flames on my car she was like why and i was like i don't know i think i'm just trying to become galfieri and she laughed and then went you follow through on things so i'm gonna say no i like a hard no i say yes thank you it's all i want how How cool would it be to roll up and get it?

I just want flames on my car. I think it would be very cool. Would you get nice hand-painted ones, or would you get a cheap kind of decal kit? Not cheap. I would go out. I would go out. I would spend some money to put flames on my car. And my car is black, so just some orange and yellow flames.

Hell yeah. It would make me so happy. And I wouldn't do like an outline. I would do like full flames on the hood going up the sock. You should just go all the way and get like a guy from Lincoln Park, the flames like going up your forearm tattoo. I kind of want a flame tattoo. Do it. But I feel like on my arm, I've been pretty strategic about my arms.

So like when my arms are down in short sleeves you can't see them and then I have them everywhere else yeah so like yeah so you can cover them up for roles and stuff but hey Jonah Hill's getting like sleeves now he set a new precedent Jonah Hill can do that

Jonah Hill was nominated for an Oscar Jonah Hill can do whatever he wants little Nicole Byer she can't she can't because then it takes time and the last job I had I forgot to mention I had tattoos and the girl like freaked out do they do they have like makeup that covers them up oh what's wrong with having tattoos cops cops have oh god I don't know why that was the initial thing I went to because you love the police yeah you love them blue lives matter that makes no sense anyway uh none it's just because it takes time to cover them and then some tattoos are copy written oh

okay like you have to credit the artist like the mike tyson uh hangover thing yeah and mine should be fine because the most visible one on my wrist I made on Microsoft Word. Hell yeah. When I was 16 years old. Did you get it when you were 16? Uh-huh. Nice. I took my sister's fake ID and I went and got it done.

My sister is a year and a half older than me, maybe a full foot shorter than me, and like a hundred pounds smaller than me. So, like, I truly gave them a completely different person's idea. It was like, does it make? And they were like, whatever. They don't care. They really didn't give a shit. I got this one. I have one, two, three, four, five tattoos I made on Microsoft Word.

Nice. Because here's the thing. I thought your only option was the flash on the walls or something you gave them oh so you can't you didn't think like oh i can tell them that i want something and they're like these artists that i'm paying money to will draw them truly had no idea and i think i that happens to me a lot i like just get this thought in my brain and i'm like that's it that's the truth there's nothing different that's it i don't know you have tons of tattoos yeah yeah there um have you gotten any other ones since i've seen you last i've gotten that one i've officially gone below the elbow

okay what is that it's an eagle ah yeah yeah um but yeah beyond that i'm gonna uh i'm gonna start filling up my torso next i'm gonna try to do like some some large scale pieces of what what do you want uh i don't know yet probably just like generic american traditional stuff like a ship okay i don't want to get another eagle because i don't want to seem too patriotic um yeah as a white man i would steer clear of that yeah yeah not now's not now's not the time no sure is it because whenever i see a white dude with like a lot of like patriotic tattoos i'm like is he gonna hate crime me yeah is this is this guy an operator is this a chris kyle who's chris kyle uh he was the american sniper. Ah, who then was murdered by a gun, even though he's like one of the best shooters. Well, I mean, yeah, he like took a guy, took like a veteran to a gun range and was just

basically like shot in the back of the head when he was like instructing somebody else. Have you ever been to a gun range? Yes. Yeah. Did you like? Oh, yeah. I'm from Las Vegas. There's a ton of gun ranges out there.

No, I don't like gun ranges. They're horrible. They're scary. They're so much louder than it looks on TV. It's like a little explosion going off in your hand. Yeah. And the only rule, there's one at the end of the street, me and my roommate went, the only rule was to hold your gun up.

I was like, is this like scissor rules? Like, what do you mean? Just hold it up. Don't point it at anything you don't intend to destroy. And then they were going to let me shoot an AK-47. And I was like, I seem loopy just as a normal person. I wouldn't give me that gun. I've shot an AK before.

That's scary. I think it's so scary. In Vegas, you don't even have to go to a gun range because you can just drive 20 minutes and you're out in the middle of the desert. So, yeah, I had a friend that had had a whole arsenal which was not good for him um but uh so what we would do is yeah we would basically take like a 30 pack of uh what's what's that called keystone light uh yeah the keystones um just out to the desert and he would bring like a he brought a car battery one time to have a shoot at but then he had another friend that had like a semi-automatic shotgun that he brought out and we're just

drinking beer in the middle of the desert and it's i i think back to it now and it's just like at any moment the worst like the worst tragedy could have happened you could like shoot your fucking friend and then a hospital's far away and then you're gonna die in the desert yeah you're just gonna bleed out on the sand that would be not fun no okay nick we gotta take a break we gotta get back we gotta get back to the uh the dating i guess we're talking about no we have to take a break shut up for two seconds and now we're back okay I want you to look at my Tinder profile and then tell me what's good and bad about it. Okay, so you're still on Tinder. Do you do Bumble or anything else?

I am still on Tinder. I do Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Raya, Coffee Meets Bagel, and OkCupid. Coffee Meets Bagel is weird to me. It's awful. You have to collect beans. Jesus. I just remember the email was like, here's your coffee. Here's your bagel for the day.

Is that what they said? I think maybe. You have to collect beans. Coffee is, I don't know. It's fucking weird. Okay, so. Okay, so the first photo that I'm seeing is you recreating a Kim Kardashian ramen photo. It's great.

It's very funny. Thank you. All right. Second one is you holding a drink of some sort. This is something, I mean, this is just something that jumps out to me as a non-drinker, but every single girl on every dating profile has at least like two photos of them drinking alcohol. Because we need to let people know we're fun yeah no that's that's like there's there's that there's the those lamp posts outside of

lachma there's uh-huh the museum of ice cream uh-huh that pissed me off because it wasn't a museum everybody that's everybody's response to it it was terrible it was an instagram destination no that's like that's that's that's the future isn't it that's just like it bums me the fuck out it's bad but i do like a good wall i like taking pictures in front of good walls there's more and more of those in town like that makes me very happy wings where you like you have to like look down at like a 45 degree angle no not the wings but like a beautiful fucking mural. Have you been to Beyond the Streets yet?

No, it's not. It's actually right down by here. It's a big street art exhibit, but it's in this massive, massive warehouse. And it's cool because it actually is kind of like a museum, but that's also like when I was there, it's all just Instagram.

But I mean, at least it's interesting stuff you're taking photos in front of. I like street art, and I like like Melrose has a lot. And you see, like, these beautiful, there's one on, uh-oh, Melrose and something, but it's, like, fucking, like a three-floor building, and it's just flowers. Oh, cool. And it's a huge vase, and it's just really pretty.

Yeah, it's great. I like things like that. Okay, so the third photo here is you in front of a Barbie Jeep. Yeah, baby. That's a good photo. Your hair looks really good in the photo. Thank you. You a barbie jeep yeah that's a good photo your hair your hair looks really good in the photo you look good in the photo it's a good photo that one uh do you have it set so tinder decides the order of your photos i would put this one first okay um okay then there's there's the one this is the one i saw the one with the big blue dildo yeah i mean it sends it sends a message um okay so you've got a you've got a short description in here i guess the wildest fact about me is that eating cake

pays my mortgage that's good that's that's a good it's good punchy it gives gives i feel like the big thing is like give me something to send a message about just be like hey like cool cool blue dildo. But it's like that. It's like, oh, either how do you pay your mortgage with cake? Or, hey, I watch the show and it's really cool. So I think that's a great, great profile. Okay, there's the blue bodysuit latching onto the bookcase.

That was on there. I think that was your main profile pic when you and I matched. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, it's good. It's been there for a while. I figure, show people my body so they're not surprised. Big butt, it's good. Yeah, baby.

Hell yeah. And then there's one with, God forgive me, Clyde. That's Clyde, right? With the papillon ears. Yeah, that's great. Dog photos, always. I will swipe right on any and all dog photos. People love dogs another another thing to

you know kind of have a first message about oh what's your dog's name how long have you had him for blah blah blah and then just a classic selfie with some glasses are those real glasses or is that a filter they're let me see I don't know it's the filters have gotten so good those are yeah no that's a good one too I got bad eyes yeah really I'm very blind, no, that's a good one, too. I got bad eyes. Yeah, really? I'm very blind. Oh, no. What? You have one smoking a cigarette. No. I like that picture because I look like an Olsen twin.

With the big glasses and the iced coffee? Yeah, and the cigarette, I guess. Yeah. You know, I don't know. I personally, for as good as the profile and the dog photo is a cigarette and a photo instant, instant swipe left. I know. I, it is like, I've gone on dates with dudes who are just like, I mean, you gotta quit.

And then I'm like, don't tell me what to do. Have you gone on dates with cigarette smokers? No, I have not. Have you ever kissed a cigarette smoker? It's bad. smoker it's bad i feel like i've kissed cigarette smokers in a bar where we're drunk okay yeah yeah i mean see that's yeah so that's like if you yeah if you yourself smoke cigarettes and you kiss a cigarette smoker i guess it like it's like eating garlic yeah um but like i don't like getting into a car that smells like cigarettes oh yeah i don't like going to someone's house funky that smells like cigarettes

like it's gross like i don't smoke in my car and i don't smoke in my house good good because it just it's there's there's a funk to it it smells even like because i mean if i walk past someone like smoking a cigarette like that doesn't smell terrible to me but if i'm like at work and someone comes in from smoking a cigarette and you're in the elevator with, like that doesn't smell terrible to me. But if I'm like at work and someone comes in from smoking a cigarette and you're in the elevator with them, like that smells terrible. And it just, it just like radiates off of them.

And then it's like work to not smell like it. Like I have hand sanitizer that I like put on. It never covers, it never covers, never fully covers it up. It merely masks it. Quit smoking. If you're listening to this and you smoke,

stop smoking. Yeah, stop smoking. Alan Carr, The Easy Way. It's a good book. And you smoke, stop smoking. Yeah, stop smoking. Alan Carr, The Easy Way. It's a good book, and it did help. Yeah? It helped a lot. It helped for like three months until I had a day that was bad, and I was like, you know what?

I want it. And then I smoked it, and I was like, I'm not enjoying it. Oh, God. So I think I just got to read it again. Yeah. I mean, it's a short book. It helped Ellen and Richard Branson. Those are the two big celebs. So, okay. So that's all the photos. it read it again yeah i mean it's it's a short book it helped ellen and uh richard branson those are the two the two big celebs um so okay so so that that's all the photos so i think it's great

i think it's um i would i mean personally i would get rid of the cigarette but uh but yeah no i think that's great uh if i if i were still on tinder i would i would i would swipe right on that no i wouldn't because the cigarette but photo. You wouldn't because of the cigarette. But wouldn't you just be intrigued to be like, you gonna quit? Nothing intriguing about cigarette smoking. Well, it's nice to know that you'd swipe right on me again, but then wouldn't.

Okay, so on Bumble, I have been asking people interesting questions. What would be your answer to this? Okay, would you rather turn into a hot dog every night or turn into a hot air balloon every day for 15 minutes at 11.45? A hot air balloon. Because then you get to fly around and see things. It's like riding in a hot air balloon.

But you are the balloon. But you are the balloon, yeah. See, the guy, he just said balloon. So I, yeah, that's it. That's one of my big things with these dating sites. It's like, you have to yes and on those. You can't just answer a question. Like, I'm not here.

I don't really care about these. I mean, I care about the answer. All the ladies out there, I care very deeply about the answers. I'll tell you something. You're going to get a lot of DMs if you give up your Instagram handle. Oh, really? All of the men I have had on have had, they said, an insane amount of women being like, hey, you just seem really nice and thoughtful.

Do you want to go out? Well, my Instagram is all just photos of my dog. So I don't know if they'll really get an idea of what I look like from it but hey i still might get there's pictures of you on it on mine oh yeah i guess i gotta get more on there though up those but the dms don't matter because i'm too busy playing tennis today so send them i'll get back to them at some point when you give up your tennis habit you'll'll get around to them. When I suffer my inevitable career-ending injury, then yeah. Well, are you playing tennis that hard? Five or six days a week at this point.

What time do you play? Sometimes 7.30 a.m. and then sometimes 7.30 p.m. It's a lifestyle. That's why I'm so tan right now. You are tan. I'm crazy tan. I was going to ask if you had gone somewhere. No, no, just's a lifestyle. That's why I'm so tan right now. You are tan. I'm crazy tan. I was going to ask if you had gone somewhere. No, no, just the hard court.

Do you wear sunscreen? I do, but I'm out there. I've played three hours this morning already. Good lord. Yeah, I have the glow from this morning, but yeah, it kind of just wears off after time. You're a very early riser. Yeah, I get up at 6 a.m. every day. That's crazy that's the other thing

that's the other thing that doesn't benefit me dating because i go to bed at like 10 30 every night too so it's like after work i get home i um you know i make a quick dinner and then i'm just i you know i have an hour of tv then i just go to bed so it's like i don't know. It's like dates. They detract from my morning tennis. It's tough. So dating truly is just a distraction from you becoming the master at tennis. Yeah. And the problem is that sometimes I get really kind of like, oh, I really should be dating. So I'll go on a big, like a week long run of like matching with people and messaging with people. But then all of those fizzle because then I'm not available the following week because all my tennis so you know i've had i've had these girls just be like uh you know i

feel like we really we really connected over messaging but like but then you just kind of went silent like is there something it's just like it sounds bull like any excuse i give sounds bullshit like i'm too busy with tennis it sounds really bullshit because it sounds like bullshit yeah but just be like listen I'm really into tennis and you're not important enough for me to give that up you might hurt a feeling but like she'll know yeah I just I just need to find a girl who plays tennis that's that's my thing yeah so I've been I've been like taking group lessons and stuff and like hoping that like it's a really roll the dice because like you take you sign up for like an eight-week group class and then you find out on the first day if there's

any single girls in the class um there haven't been so what happens roll call happens they go tiffany what are you and you're like no i think i think it happens so much that the girls in the classes will always find a way to be like yeah i'm just trying to like get better at tennis so i can play with my boyfriend ah so that that's a lot of the girls in these classes. See, ah, these men have found women who are willing to play tennis, so then they take a lesson to get better with them. That's what you need. You need to go on a date with someone, convince them to like tennis,

and then convince them to take a class, so then they'll play tennis with you. See, the problem is I need someone who's been playing tennis for at least a year so I can actually have a hitting partner. It's not that I'm not a beginner, but I'm like. You're intermediate beginner. I'm intermediate, yeah. I'm a 3.5 if you're a tennis player. I'm a 3.5 and available.

I don't understand tennis scoring. What's not to understand? It's confusing. It's just one to four. So you bop it. Yeah. But then there's like love. Love is just confusing. It's just one to four. So you bop it. Yeah. But then there's like love and- Love is just zero.

That's it. Okay. Then you go to 15. 15 love. That's, yeah. So in that case, if you're serving and it's 15 love, that means you won the first point. And then it's 30 love. Yes.

40 love. Yes. If you both get to 40, if it gets to 40, 40, that's deuce. Yes. And then in the deuce there's advantage yes so it's add in or add out and then that's that's it here's the thing when someone says easy there's usually a couple words you said so many sentences when you start playing with really good people they just start doing one two three and four ah yeah that's like but then if you

play with really really good people they don't even call out the score. You're just expected to keep track of it. I was always very good at serving. That's good. Because I have pretty decent body strength. I don't know. So I can fucking whack the ball. That's good. And people are always like, ah.

And I'm like, yeah, baby. Yeah, if you can have a good serve. And I also, we tennis and we bowling. We bowling is very fun because when you roll the ball towards the people they jump in their headspin and they go and it makes me laugh every time it happens yeah all right Nick yeah wait so yeah we I see this is this is another problem with my first dates is that I always bring it back to tennis which is it it's not great it's it's I don't know I'm still in like the it's like last year I always brought it back to talking, which is, it's not great. It's, I don't know, I'm still in like the, it's like last year, I always brought it back to talking about sobriety. And now that I'm over a year sober. Congratulations. Thank you. Subtly dropped that. Now, yeah, now it's just

the other thing that I'm currently obsessed with, which is tennis. So it's, I don't know, I'm very one track minded. Are you completely sober or do you like smoke weed still? No, no, no, no, no. I'm completely sober. No, I'm actually. I toy with getting, like not getting sober, but just like, I like to take sabbaticals because we're just drinking poison. Yeah. No, that's Alan Carr.

He has the drinking book too. And that's. He's got so many books to be like, all the garbage things you do, I'll help you stop it. Yeah. Yeah. The, um, I tried reading the, uh, I'll help you stop it. Yeah, yeah. I tried reading his weight loss book and it's basically just like become a vegan.

Well, he didn't write that one. No, no. It's somebody from his clinic who wrote it. Because he died of lung cancer. He quit smoking too late. And that's what happens to everyone who smokes is they die of lung cancer. Or they fall off a boat. Yeah, true.

You can die any old way. But yeah, no, no weed. When I was reading his stop drinking book, that's when I realized like I don't have a drinking problem. I have a weed problem. And people never take it seriously. So I've just stopped telling people that. So I'm like, yeah, like the hardest, like quitting quitting drinking was super easy for me but quitting smoking was like that was really hard and actually i hit a year last week on on weed congratulations that's yeah that's that's

i think you could become dependent on any any old thing you want totally yeah i mean a ton of people are addicted to sugar myself included people are addicted to sugar shopping uh tanning spending money like gambling gambling seems like the easiest addiction to not have yeah the easiest addiction to not have and the most financially destructive yeah man because there's no way you're gonna spend 35 000 on heroin in one night i mean you could die from it but yeah but you're not yeah gambling yeah you can see your entire life savings go in a night go and whenever i go to vegas i truly play like two slots and i'm like okay so i like literally lost two dollars but do you like instantaneously do you feel that pull though or it's just like oh

see yeah see that's that's the scary thing about gambling because because it like it scratches an itch in your brain where some people they're like if i just put another dollar and then i can get the two dollars i lost back oh i'm like if i put another dollar in i'll probably walk away with 35 cents yeah no yeah and it's i mean in vegas it's everywhere like every bar has it inside the bar in the airport it's wild it's crazy and you can smoke anywhere in vegas too which is yeah it's gross and it's like a stale it's it's not it's awful. Whenever I see a kid in a casino, I'm like, this is secondhand smoke, this is not good. Your kid's gonna die.

I tried to play blackjack or something, but I don't know how. At a table? Oh, see, if you're at a table and you don't know how to play blackjack, you can piss everyone else at the table off because there's unwritten rules to it. Yeah, and you can really- Yeah, everyone got real mad at me. Yeah, you can really screw up the count table off because there's like unwritten rules to it. Yeah. And you can really screw up like the count and stuff.

Yeah. I don't know. I just stay away from that entirely. I did very bad. And then I went to another table where nobody was that. And I was like, hey, lady, you want to teach me? She's like, no, I can't teach you. So then she walked me through it.

And then I was like this. And she's like, this is a bad bet. Yeah. And I was like this. She's like, all right, you lost your $10 or whatever it was. I just, yeah, gambling. It's so bad. And then slots.

Like, when people just sit at the slots and they're just dinging, I'm like, it's never going to happen. No, it's not. Go home. And there's no strategy or anything. It's literally just like I'm hitting a button for the entire night. And it seems mind-numbing. It's like sitting in front of your computer all night or your fucking phone all day.

Like, just go out and live. But then Vegas is kind of hot. So yeah, it's they want to keep you inside. You gotta have that central air. Yeah, so it's I don't know, it's tough. Okay, Nick, we've come to the point in the podcast where I ask every guest this question,

why won't you date me? Because you don't play tennis. No. Is every guest on the podcast someone you've dated? The first five episodes are, And then it turned into friends. Hold on. Okay, wait. So it's people I've dated

and people I've hooked up with. Before I answer your question, I have a question for you. Yes. Because I heard you on Doughboys and you said that you dated two different guys that really liked the Doughboys

and one of them smelled like a dishrag. Am I the one that smells like a dishrag? Okay, I've been thinking about it for like seven months now. No, that was a man I went on one date with and then lied to him to escape. And then he kept messaging me and I was like, I can't go out with that man again. He legit smelled like, you know how like a dish rag? No, I know the exact smell. And that's why I was so scared that it was me.

No, I would not have gone out with you again if you smelled like a dishrag. Okay, okay. So I have closure on that. So why won't I date you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's God, it's like, it's just like the ultimate, it's the ultimate cliche, but it's just like, I feel,

I mean, even now, like I feel like way more of a friend energy than a romantic energy. Okay, okay. It's just, it's one of those things where, oh God. You literally can't hurt my feelings. No, I'm not even, I'm not worried about that. I just, it's just, because what we we went on what was it like five or six dates we went and saw dunkirk which was awful it felt fell fast asleep for i don't fall asleep in movies anymore by the way no i got over that because i have contact lenses now so i know that i can't

fall asleep because they'll roll back in my head um you can sleep in contact oh don't tell me that like 30 to 40 like an hour i think before they'll get like sticky and gross but yeah you felt right asleep during dunkirk and i got confused and i was awake it was very loud the sounds weren't good but then you woke up and i was like i don't know what's happening and then you very easily were like oh this and i was like i think barry Kogan is dead. No. So, yeah, that's just – it's one of those things where I really was having a good time hanging out with you as friends. So, you know, I didn't want to put it to an end so quickly because, you know, I feel like – I mean, you know, what we just talked for like 45 minutes. I feel like we can go out to dinner and have a fun conversation for an hour um but it's just it's one of those things where to take it further than that to take it just beyond getting along um i feel like there needs to be

something more there that just i don't know just wasn't there okay um and yeah that's you know nothing it's nothing you said or did um I heard on the podcast because my it wasn't a it wasn't like a breakup text but my like my kind of like hey like let's just be friends text came after you called me a dumb dumb and I I heard like I had heard that you thought that that was one of the reasons. And I want to tell you that no. I was not genuinely hurt by you calling me a dum-dum. It was a way out. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, no, I wasn't so deeply hurt by. That's what it seemed like. Because I was like, dum-dum's not. There's a lot of people dum-dum. You stupid motherfucker. No, no, no. It wasn't that. It was, and honestly, that was, this was what, last September or August?

Yeah, last August. So then was, I was a month out of weed smoking, which for me, it took me about like eight months to get kind of back into reality as weird as that sounds so i mean looking back now like there were this is insane to say but like there were there were weeks where i wasn't assured i wasn't sure if i was awake or asleep like i i had trouble differentiating between dreaming and because i didn't i i smoked weed for i mean i smoked weed, heavily for 10 years and I never had any dreams. So when you stop smoking weed, you start having insane dreams. It all just sounds like excuses.

But, yeah, I don't know. I was just in a really I can't not say cliches. I was in a really weird space back then. I mean, cliches are what? It's like stereotypes. Stereotypes are based on a little truth. Cliches are kind of based on a little bit of truth. So if you're in a weird space, you're in a weird space, baby. Yeah.

So yeah, it was one of those things. And there was nothing outwardly. There was no really bad night that we went out and it was just like. We had great dates. I was fucking perfect. I was very funny. No, totally. I was good company.

Yeah, no. And no, it was great. It was great hanging out. Your Arclight movie, I had trouble getting over that. The fact that you don't obey reserved seating at reserved movie theaters. Here's the thing. If there's no one else in the theater, it is your theater. That's fine.

But if it's a crowded opening. Well, if it's crowded, of course I'm going to sit in my assigned seat. I don't want. I feel like you're walking it back now. That's not the attitude you were taking last year. I feel like you might have had did you have a an awkward experience sure have not oh really okay okay here's the thing if it is 25 full i will sit wherever i want that's fine 50 full i will sit wherever i want if it's 75 full

i will obey okay yeah that's fine yes that's. And then like if there's open seats and someone's like, you're in my seat, I'm like, then go sit in another seat. Like it's not, I saw the seating chart. There's like nobody else here. We'll see. The problem with Arclight is the movies now, they all fill up in like the five minutes before the previews start. So like a half empty theater or half full theater. I never get anywhere on time. I usually show up two minutes into the movie. That's another problem.

So everybody is already seated. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, is that enough? I mean, is that enough of an answer? Do you have any other questions? No, that was Will Hines' answer. He was like, I didn't feel a spark, which is fine.

I get it. I don't know how to be more sparky for people. That's the thing. It's not a matter of being more sparky. It's just a matter of, have you read the book Attached? No. That's like the big relationship book that people are reading now. It's about different attachment styles.

So there's secure, avoidant, and then a third, which is like kind of paranoid. I can't remember the – but it's basically – it's like anything. It's just finding the right fit. So it's finding somebody whose attachment style is compatible with yours. So it's not – I would say there's nothing, you know, nothing for you to change other than the cigarette smoking. Okay. Cut that out.

Yeah. But beyond that, no, it's just like, just keep, cause I mean, God, over the last year I've gone on so many, so many dates and that's like, I don't know. I feel like it's with with kissing you know where it's like there are people that are quote-unquote like bad kissers but they're those bad kissers will kiss good kissers for somebody else exactly so it's all just ugly people they're pretty to somebody exactly yeah so that's why i feel like whenever you see like a weird couple at the airport or something it's like oh okay like they found they found their match like

they found somebody that their match like they found somebody that you know is on the same frequency as them that's all of portland yeah really all of portland is the strangest couples you're like how how does that fucking fit together it makes no sense to me can i ask you another question did i make you nervous at all sometimes nervous in what way i don't know I got a nervous energy from you sometimes uh like no uh I mean nervous and I um like how so like how was like like I wouldn't come out and say something or no you know how like you're talking to someone you're like i think i'm making them nervous uh i mean i i can't i can't remember a specific time where i kind of i felt like that um maybe though i mean if you felt

i mean if you felt it then i was obviously giving off some sort of energy fair fair not an answer not an answer but fair i mean it was a weird question and i didn't have anything specific to back it up it's been a while uh do you have a question for me um do i have a question for uh no the the big question i had was do I smell like a dishrag? Do you smell like a dishrag? And I'm glad that I don't. Other than that, do you... Okay, so... God, I don't even know if I should bring this up. Do it. The fact that you are now Instagram friends with an ex-girlfriend of mine.

I'm amazed that it's only come up now but um oh i forgot where i was going with that but just oh and uh okay so a couple weeks ago uh i texted you to let you know that like i really liked nailed it and i thought i thought you did a really good job on it and so my ex-girlfriend was like why would you do that like why would you text her and ask that? And so I, I don't know. I did it honestly out of the fact that you were taping it when we were going out. So I feel like that was like, oh, like you were talking about it a lot on dates. So it's to actually, you know, work, working in post-production. I know how there's like, there's this long gap where you can do something and then it

comes out, you know, six months later. Yeah. And I feel like that was just kind of like a, an A to B type know how there's like, there's this long gap where you can do something and then it comes out, you know, six months later. And I feel like that was just kind of like a, an A to B type thing where it's like, oh, you know, I remember you shooting this and I just wanted you to know that like, it came out great and it was awesome. And it's super funny. I didn't want it, like, I didn't want to just kind of seem like I was just like coming out of nowhere to like, fuck with your head, you know? it did seem like that it did like okay um you know honestly because because after um after the after the dum-dum incident we then texted about like a month and a half after that yeah and that's when I was I was dating somebody yes yeah um that didn't work out clearly that and she uh she lived on the other side of town oh yeah it's tough um but so um so i don't know i and when because because yeah you you would

reach back out to me and i you know i honestly have a very very good time hanging out with you and i real talk i really have like two friends in this town so i really kind of did want to be your friend so so after i texted you that then it kind of fell off so i was like so i was like after nailed it i was like okay maybe this is a chance like maybe enough time has passed yeah but you know say anything about hanging out i don't know like enough time has passed that like i like i'm not pining for you no yeah that ship has sailed oh if you wanted it you would come get it and you didn't so like i understand that but like it felt like you were just coming out of nowhere to be like, hey, remember me? Think about me for a little bit.

Think about why I'm texting you. Bye bye. Yeah. No, I mean, having, you know, a month of distance to think about it like that is. Yeah, that was that was bad of me. I'm sorry for that. I mean, if you wanted to hang out, you should have said that. Well, you said you said you were going to go to vegas that weekend i did yeah there's other weekends

true um i don't know i i don't know in my mind i was like well you know because i feel like you're you're i actually looking back in the text i was the last one to send a text so i was like okay well you know clearly clearly if you wanted to hang out, you would have said something by now. So I feel like, okay, I opened it back up and then you didn't, you kind of, and so I was like, okay, she doesn't want to hang out. Well, also I was like, people say, let's be friends as like, let's be friends and then we'll never see each other again. I said it in a way more desperate way. Like, let's please, please be my friend. It's so lonely in this tinsel town we live in.

Nick, I'll be your friend. I won't wake up at 6 a.m. I will play tennis with you, though. It would make my dead dad so happy. And you live over, I shouldn't say. Please don't say where I live. I live near a tennis place. You live by a big tennis facility, yeah.

You live by two big tennis facilities. Oh, I thought it was just one. There's the one. The one down the road? Down the road and then up in the mountains. Okay. Yeah, up in the canyon. Okay, that was a real smooth way to talk about something we both know without letting people know where I live.

A stalker is currently like triangulating your position. They're like, okay, tennis. Yeah, tennis courts within a mile of each other in Los Angeles. Where is it? Los Angeles. Yeah. Yeah, no. So, you know, I'm sorry for popping up out of nowhere like that.

And, you know, kind of unwelcomingely like an unwelcome presence back in your life it wasn't unwelcomed it was just what is the motive yeah because i know i'm funny no i don't need you to tell me i'm funny that was truly it but like if you wanted to hang out you should have said let's hang out now i know i can see that now. Hindsight is 20-20. Indeed. Nick, we have to wrap this up because Wes from Nailed It is outside. Do you want to promote anything? No, no.

If you want to see photos of my dog, he's been roaming around the studio this whole time. My Instagram is NickNickSnowSnow. I am not on twitter get off get off twitter it's toxic it's driving people insane yeah it's not fun yeah um you know not a fan of trump but it it is really really like wait you don't like trump no it's a hot take i love love Trump. That's my president. But the level of how dare you, sir, that's happening on Twitter is, you know, it's getting off Twitter was for mental health the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. Other than quitting drinking and quitting smoking weed and playing tennis and getting a dog. But other than that, not much to promote. Play tennis. If you're looking to quit smoking or quit drinking,

read books by a man named Alan Carr. Watch Love Means Zero on Showtime. It's about Nick Volatari. It's great. And beyond that, not much. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Rate it five stars.

If you write me a nasty little review, I will read it. So this is from Tori Beth May. She said, Hey, Nicole, will love to put my whole hand up your booty and use you like a little puppet, you cutie patootie. Eat your vegetables. Have a good day. And then this person, Josh Schmooster, said, I want to sit on your face and braid your wig. Love ya. So thank you. Bye bye. This has been a Team Coco production.