Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Will You Be My Girl? (w/ Jillian Bell)

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Actress and comedian Jillian Bell (Workaholics,The Pole) joins Nicole to solve the reasoning behind their mutual singleness. They discuss the results of their recent psychic readings, how they confront people who aren't wearing a mask, QAnon, and manifest qualities of their dream partner. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is trying to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could say you want to date me and then cook pickles for me every night. I don't like pickles. I guess you wouldn't cook pickles. I don't know. Anywho, my guest today is a comedian, actress, and screenwriter.

You've seen my guest in 22 Jump Street, Workaholics, Eastbound and Down, Brittany Runs a Marathon, and you can hear both of us on The Pole, which is a new animated show on the SyFy channel. It's whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jillian Bell! channel. It's Jillian Bell! Oh my goodness. That was an intro for the ages. I mean,

my favorite was the club sound, correct? I've never been to a club. Is that correct? You've never been to a club? No, I have. I'm lying. I've been probably twice. I actually went once and I arrived early and I thought that the club was, I was. I'm lying. I've been probably twice. I actually went once and I arrived early. And I thought that the club was I was like, oh, the club's shut down. It wasn't a successful business. And in fact, it just doesn't open until like 11 o'clock. And I showed up at 945.

So. That's adorable. That's so adorable. I love that so much. I've never arrived at a club before like 1130 noon or not noon. I get there at noon, bright and early. See, that's what I didn't do. I didn't show up in the afternoon. I showed up in the evening. That's what you have to do. That's when the clubs are popping. They're serving lemonade. So, Jillian, do you consider yourself a homebody? I am very much a homebody. Yes. I'm not a cancer, which are traditionally more homebodies. I'm a Taurus, but I am definitely a homebody. Are you?

Taurus, but I am definitely a homebody. Are you? Yes and no. So like in the beginning of the pandemic, fucking losing my mind. I was like, I have to get out of my house. This is bad. I don't like it. And now I'm like, okay, I would like to get out of my house. And then when I leave my house, I'm like, this is very nice. I like this. We should go back to my home soon. Very nice. I like this. We should go back to my home soon. That's where all my things I've curated and bought. I had that yesterday.

Yesterday was the first time that I went out of the house and I, you know, I double masked and I went into a couple of stores and I realized I was like, oh, be happy again all you need to do is go shopping this is the yes this is the thing yeah I went to world market this was maybe last week I went to world market I went to a Ross dress for less I think I was in Burbank. Where was I? Is that Glendale? I think it's Glendale. And I just like bopped around from store to store and I was like, this is exhilarating. You're describing the perfect combination. It's like the Target, the Ross Dress for Less, the TJ Maxx, the HomeGoods, the,

remember like Barnes and Nobes? Is that still a thing? Are they still a thing? Yes. I don't know where there's a brick and mortar though. I would like to go. I love leafing through a book. The way you said that, it was so flirty. I love leafing through a book. leafing through a book. It's a fun time. It is a fun time. Okay, so you're now in the place where you'd like to be out and about in society,

but then immediately come back home. Yeah, because, you know, sometimes you'll just be like, oh boy, not everyone's wearing a mask here. Not everyone's caring about their fellow human. So then you start like getting annoyed and it's not like i'm not like one of those people who's like you have to wear a mask to spread disease i'm like at this point it's just like a respect thing a lot of people are vaccinated just be respectful

like they ask you to put them i was at the flea market earlier today the the pasadena rose bowl flea market it's back! Oh my goodness. This is the best news ever, okay? And it's, honestly, it was a nice fun time. And there wasn't a lot of people. So they allowed a certain amount of people in and then waited until people left to let other

people in. So it was just easier to navigate. It was honestly kind of nicer than normal time. Yeah. So you get your time in. Yeah. you get your time in. Yeah. You get your time. You're like, okay, I've seen things I should just leave as opposed to hanging around and getting food. It was more to the point. But then there was these cool teens who were in their cool vintage clothes and big, big shoes.

And they didn't have masks on. And I was like, well, who who's gonna tell these cool teens to put on a mask certainly not me they're too cool and i'm scared of the teens oh i would be too i am definitely nose police if someone wears the mask but has the nose dip out i'm just like your nose is taking a dip sir like how is it that you can actually say something to someone without sounding like a total jerk? And I don't, I haven't figured it out yet. I seriously go to make a sentence of like, cool, stay cool, stay casual. Especially if it's a younger person, like a teenager, I'm like, Hey, how cool is skateboarding? Also, wouldn't it be fun to mask up that nose?

Like, I cannot figure out how to say it in a cool way that doesn't make you sound like a total jerk. There is in a cool way. And I think you just sound like a nerd. But when I'm having like a one-on-one conversation with somebody, I'll just start to slowly back away from them. And then I'll put my, like, I'll just adjust my mask. And then sometimes they'll go, oh, I sorry and i go thank you see that's very smart that's very smart i just stare at people and they don't know why i'm looking at them and then i just i want i want to like put it in their brain so i'm like casting a little wizard spell from afar, but it's not working. None of my spells are working on the people.

Maybe one day they'll work. Jillian, I think you're so fucking funny. We've only gotten to work together one time. Yes. And it was really delightful. It was. But what I love about you is like you're a very sweet human being because it wasn't acting. You were on Nailed It.

And wait, did that air? Yes. Yes. Is that out? Yeah. is like you're a very sweet human being because it wasn't acting you were I nailed it and wait did that air yes yes is that out yeah that was like that my sisters watched it like three times so I know it's out I've just done so many episodes and I'm like wait has this come can I am I like spoiler oh no no it's out baby it's out uh but yeah you were you so it was like lovely and then i'll watch you in like 22 jump street and i'm like oh boy jillian's so good at being like like mean i rarely get to play like a totally like bitch but when i do it's so much fun it's so much fun to improvise that way and and play around and um yeah i wish i got to do it more i i've fallen into a love for just idiots now i just love playing morons it's so much fun for me

i feel like it's the only thing i'm writing for myself now typecasting myself now as a stupid person um but it's really fun and joyous. I love it. I mean, stupid people have fun. I love a dumb person. Me too. I love a dumb person. Wait a minute. We need to, I know, well, I don't want to guide this podcast, but I really do want to talk about, I'm single too. I'm single too. Okay. Then we'll jump right into it. Sometimes I try to wait because I never know. I try to like slide in questions about love because I never know if people like really actually want to talk about it. No, because like here's the thing. I was like, oh man, the Rose Bowl market is open.

This is exciting. But also we're both single and what the hell? And what's happening? And we need to fix this. So how do we do we do i don't know there were so many cute boys there but they were all being led around by like a lady in wide pants and a crop top it was very upsetting for me so wait how long have you been single i mean it's probably been a couple of years.

I mean, I've been dating, but nothing's really sticking. It's been a couple of years. Yeah. What about you? I have been single my whole dang life. No, that's not true. Yeah. I've never had like a boyfriend where that the other person is like we're i don't even know how it

happens like like when you get in a relationship is there a day where someone's like you're my boyfriend you know what's cute okay so i'll tell you this story uh the one guy that i dated the longest i had known him forever and he never lived here. And then he finally moved here and then it was on and we fell in love very quickly. And one day he was, I'm from Las Vegas. He was coming back to Las Vegas with me for Thanksgiving. And we were in his pickup truck and he was like, hey, I just want to ask you, would you be my girl? And I thought it was the cutest thing.

It's still probably the cutest thing anyone's ever said to me. And I was like, yes. And I thought it was so sweet. And then we got to Thanksgiving with like all my family and friends and everyone. And I was like, this guy's my boyfriend. And he was like, wait, what? And I was like, you asked me to be your girl? He's like, yeah, not like my girlfriend.

I was like, I'm your girlfriend. And then forever we were just together. Like, we were boyfriend-girlfriend from then because I stated it. But he asked me. Wait, that's so wild. So he truly was like, be my girl. Yeah. And then you were like, I'm going to add a friend. And then you're like, I'm his girlfriend. And then he was like a gas. That's insane. I mean, maybe he was like the leader of a sex cult. Maybe that's how you join. And then he's like, wait, I'm not your boyfriend. Lay off lady. No, but I did think that was so funny. And I

immediately got too comfortable and was like, you're my boyfriend, chill out. And then he was like, okay, I'm your boyfriend. And then how long did you date? We dated for about a year and that was it. That's the only longest relationship. But that's like a good chunk of time. A year is a long time. I've just learned how long years are. I know it is a, it is a good chunk of time, but like, you know, second to that was probably like three months or so. Like I haven't had long, I don't date for a long period of time if I don't feel like it's moving towards marriage. I don't know. Oh, are you the person who ends the relationship or do you wait for the other person to do it? I usually end it. That relationship without getting too into it was he ended it because he thought I was going to end it. Um, which yeah, it kind of, it it was there were problems that i thought we had to solve um but

yeah i think i'm usually the one that ends it see what a treat i wish i was the one who and i always hang on to like my little two month long relationships being like i can make this work i can and i'm not one of those girls who like loses themselves to a boy right i just adjust i'll be like sure yes i can watch wrestling but then i can always like i can find a fun thing about wrestling to talk to someone about but like i'm always like yes i will make uh i will i will change this thing about me if this could go on longer. And that's not great. I know.

You know what? I'm going to pause one second to close the door because my dog just nosed the door and walked in and then thought I was boring and walked out. Hang on one sec. Hang on. Okay. What kind of dog do you have? I have two. I have a German Shepherd mix.

They're both rescues. And the other one is a Great Dane mix. And she's 114 pounds. Oh, my God. That's like a small person. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's wild.

Wait, do you take them places? How do you take a 100-pound dog anywhere? I you do you take them places? How do you take a hundred pound dog anywhere? I'd love to take them places if they didn't have such anxiety. They the the smaller one has more anxiety and the little one has like picked up on it. I can take the Great Dane mix some places, though, because even though she's big, she usually barks at one, usually a kind older woman. And then she's delightful the rest of the time. I know you're bad. You might look kind, but I know you're awful. She's like, I know you're awful and you're close to death. No. I don't know why she barks at an older woman, but I yeah.

But so I end up taking her a lot of places. But I feel like she would be a good. Use and like picking up a nice dude, maybe. That's like I feel like dogs are a conversation starter. My friend Francesca said that she used to get hit on a lot when she was pregnant. So I guess men, yeah, I think men are just like, oh, you're taking care of something. I like this. Will you take care of me?

And I'm always like, yes, please. I would love another project. I need something to take care of. Are you on the apps at all? I am on the apps. I'm on... Which ones? Raya.

And I'm on Bumble. Although, I don't know if I should stay on Bumble. I feel like I'm not sure about Bumble. Are you on those? So, I maintain I do not like Raya. I think it's like rather elitist, a little racist. I'm on Bumble, but for me, I have zero luck on Bumble. I've never had a good conversation with anybody.

Nothing. Yeah, Bumble is very tricky. nothing yeah bumble is very tricky and and i i feel like i've been on a couple of dates where the person didn't quite look like their pictures which is fine and i love a great catfish episode so i'm fine with that uh but i uh i don't know yeah and the raya one i don't know. Yeah. And the Raya one, I don't know how anyone meets on Raya. I don't think I know a single person who has met someone on Raya and it's been good. No. It feels like you go out with the DJ once and, you know, you have a colorful conversation. And that's all it can be.

That's what I'm assuming yeah that's it because it's all like djs and models um and then i was on so i found one specifically for fat ladies but then the more i was like looking into it i was like i think all of these are fake accounts like i don't think these people are are real really because almost all of the profiles were in like broken english and not that there's anything wrong with it but i was like every single one nobody knows sentence structure on this app okay just says treat good dinner and you're like what uh-huh wait a minute well a lot of them are like, um, ah, shit. I had some screenshot it, but I don't think I do anymore.

But a lot of them are like, looking for wife, no drugs, please no heroin. And it was more than one. You know, it would be delightful if that guy didn't have an experience with that, with like a breakup with someone who did heroin he just for some reason saw it in a movie once he was like oh never want that to happen so never want that seems like a lot of work i recently had a um a psychic reading. Yes. Because I was watching The Real Housewives of Potomac and there was, I guess, yeah,

I guess he's a psychic reader person and I was like, oh, better get on Google and see if he's available. He was available. And this was in like December and then he wasn't available till March. So I was like booked up.

Okay. That means he's probably pretty good. Yeah. He was pretty good. He like new things that are not Googleable. And he told me he was like, you're not going to meet anybody from apps. So have fun, but you're not going to meet a single person from one. And then he cited a specific job that I have that he's like, that's where you're going to meet someone. And he gave me their initial and then he was like you're gonna meet them at the end of the year and I was like okay but I had already seen this horoscope lady or an astrologer that's what yes an astrologer she said I was gonna meet someone in March so I was like looking around and then I had the psychic

reading where he told me I was gonna meet someone someone later and I was like, is this the universe just being like every couple of months you're going to meet someone who's going to tell you when you're going to meet someone and in that when you meet them you're just going to meet someone else who's going to be like

you're going to meet them then and then you never meet anyone and then I cried in the shower. But then my period came. So everything is okay. That was the perfect description of every single woman. It's just like, I, by the way, have done two of those psychic readings. One was on my own when I was 34. I'm 36 now. And I talked to her on the phone and she gave me specifics. Same. You can't find them on Google.

And then she's like, okay. As soon as we got on the phone, I didn't want to lead her. So I, she said, do you, um, do you have something specific you want to know about? And I could have said love. And I was like, no, if you don't get to it, maybe I'll bring it up. And she was like, okay, so you want to talk about love, but that's not what's coming up first, your career. She was like, okay, so you want to talk about love, but that's not what's coming up first, your career. And I was like, damn it. So, so we talked about that. And then she said, okay, love.

And then she's like, um, oh, okay. Do you want to know his name? And I was like, know his name? She's like, yeah, his name is David, Dave. And I was like, she's like, you're very intuitive though. What do you think about that? And I was like, I feel like it could be a middle name. I don't know. I'm not like seeing it, but maybe she, and it was so weird. And she's like, you'll meet him when you're 36. How old are you? And I was like 34. She's like, yeah, 36. You like meet, get married and have a baby or get pregnant and then

get married. Like it's all, it all happens very quick. And I'm like, huh? And then I'm like 36 and I'm in a pandemic. And I'm like, where's David? Dave. Dave. I don't know where he is. And I don't know if the pandemic, I'm like, so what do I believe? And then I talked to a second psychic who was basically like, it's coming within this year. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if they just like to do that of like say it's coming within a year.

Like you said. Well, did the second psychic have Dave's name? No, she didn't have Dave's name. Okay. She just said career stuff's going to go go well which is lovely to hear but i'm also like where's my person and i feel the same way you do yeah yes yeah where i'm like i can to a certain point control my career i won't get some parts that i want but it's also like oh so then i can just write something and then maybe that will get some parts that I want, but it's also like, oh, so then I can just write something.

And then maybe that will get some traction. And then maybe I'll get the part that I was meant to get. Like, you can just do different things. But with dating, it's like, well, there's not a person there. There's not a person there. Yeah. It feels like there's no steps to take, even though everyone's like, well, get on the apps, do the thing. And I'm like, the apps don't feel like they work unless it was 10 years ago

when it was Match.com. I just don't know how anyone is meeting anymore. I mean, now, especially with the pandemic, it's like, have you been trying to date during this time? Yes and no. So I, like, have been swiping, have been talking to people, but then my jobs kept threatening to shoot. So I was like, okay, I have to be careful

because if I get sick, I cost people money. So then I was like, okay, I'll like FaceTime people. So I FaceTimed this one man and that wasn't good. I was running late. He had friends coming over and that was in May. And I was like, it's the're not we're not meant to be um and then i went on a date in person to a park we like both wore masks we stayed six feet away not really the best way to date somebody but no i know some people who've met in the beginning of the pandemic and are now like engaged.

So I feel like those were the beginning of the, you said it right. Like, I feel like those were the beginning of the pandemic people who like got together and they were like, well, let's just like bunk this out. Let's like, let's be together. We'll be each other's pod. And then they're like, but the crazy thing is none of those people know what they're like when they're wasted at a party. Wow. You're absolutely right. Right. They've only seen this one version of them, but when the world opens up, they might be a completely different person. So do I have to wait till like the world really opens up and then people get pandemic divorced? Oh, maybe, maybe.

opens up and then people get pandemic divorced? Oh, maybe. Maybe. I think there will be some pandemic divorces. It feels as though people are tired of their partners. Yeah. I was told the guy with a J, so I do a voice on the job that the psychic said I was going to meet him.

And I just had to do some work on it. And I was like, okay, J, J. And I was looking on the zoom for a jay couldn't find one and then i was like the audio engineer and i was like hi what's your name he was like not anything that began with a jay was like edgar right it's not his real name but uh we'll just say he's edgar sure and i was like oh dang and then i was like oh i should ask him what his middle name and then then I was like, don't do that. Like, don't be weird. Oh, when I heard the name Dave or David, I immediately started like Googling people I knew or celebrities that I always have a crush on. And I'm just like, middle name David?

Question mark? Like, just everyone. It's, it kind of is like fun, and then it almost fucks with you, where you're like, well, now I'm just looking for this one thing. Yeah. I'm trying to, like, manifest it. Yeah. I don't know how.

I know. I don't know how to manifest a person. I wish there was, like, okay, let me ask you this. What do you think about, like, okay, let me ask you this. What do you think about like a matchmaker? Would you do that? You know, okay. This will sound like I hate myself,

uh, to be clear. I don't, but I feel like if a man is going to pay a matchmaker, they don't want to pay for a woman who's not traditionally beautiful. And that's not to say I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm just not the standard or the norm of what's presented to people. I hear you and I raise you. I hate everything you just said. And I think that anyone would be if I was in a matchmaker and I liked ladies, which I don't, unfortunately.

But if I did and you were on there, I'd be like, oh, my God, I'd be so lucky. Like, I mean, I think women are different. I think women will be like, oh, but I like being with them. Sure, I wasn't attracted to them at first, but like, I love who they are more than what they look like. I think that's why you see a lot of like very strange looking men with beautiful women. I mean, yeah. And it hardly ever goes in the reverse. A traditionally like ugly man with a, wait, no.

Wait, an ugly woman. Wait, I like mixed myself up. An ugly woman with a beautiful man? A weird looking woman with a beautiful man weird looking woman with an with a beautiful man with a stunning man yeah because like that hot man is like no no i want someone who looks like me oh wait i'll read you this dm i got that has a little something to do with this hi nicole i'm a fan of yours so i hope you don't take my question the wrong way i read my dms because people send me nasty come ons that i read at the end of this but then sometimes i'm like wait what

does this say so this uh so then it says do you ever feel like people only say you're attractive because they're conscious of the fact that you're an unconventionally attractive fat black woman and they support body positivity not because they would generally try to fuck you or date you if they could for example i double tap lizzo's body pics because I support her body positivity and her music career. But if she reached out wanting to date or fuck me, do you I would not be interested. Do you think my mentality is problematic or reasonable? Sincerely, a curious fan. And I read it and I was like, but who wants to date you?

Who are you? Who wants you? Yeah. Who are you? Why would anyone like i i i don't know it's like a weird question because it it makes me feel like a lot of people think that fat women are just like dying to date any old person i know and i could do that i just don't want to no no and oh my god that is it's so loaded with so many things. But I was just thinking, picturing this person writing this message, there's no way that this person was like,

you know, sitting there in a nice suit with their fancy watch and like typing it up while their girlfriend is naked and like cooking pancakes for them and like this beautiful mid-century modern mansion and you're just like there's no that's not who's writing this letter this person is writing out of their own insecurities in a basement in some city we've never heard of correct maybe maybe maybe i mean i don't think a secure person would ask someone that question. It's a very weird question to ask somebody. It's like, I support you, but I have no desire to fuck you. And I'm like, but that's a lot of people.

All of the people who are my friends and I support, I don't want to fuck any of them. That sounds like a nightmare. Like my roommate, John Millheiser is like one of my best friends and also like my brother I love John I love John isn't he the best yes he's so great he's so great he's so funny he's on this Nickelodeon show right now where they just let him fall down a bunch and that is that is like where he shines My friend could fall down better than any person I've ever seen. It's truly a talent to be like a good physical comedian.

I do not have that. I know a lot of people who went to like clowning school. And I'm like, what? Like went to be a study being a clown and learn physical comedy a certain way. Wow. Yeah, Isla Fisher is one who like went and studied being a clown and learn physical comedy a certain way. Yeah. Isla Fisher is one who like went and studied being a clown. And I was like, really?

I'm like, interesting. It's very interesting. It's a path. I bumped into a table today and I have a bruise from it. So like, I am so far from being a physical comedian. Wait, wait.

Nicole, I seriously have just hit an age where I had to learn how to... My dogs are barking. Should I pause for a second? Yeah. Quiet, babies. I'm literally at the age right now where I've had to learn how to adjust my emotional reaction when I stub my toe because my family has told me it's so dramatic and ridiculous and exaggerated that I had to like figure out how like when I stub my toe to go like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just dance it out yeah i'm a very dramatic person when anything happens like you can poke me and i'll be like no i don't know it's just like something's happening.

Yeah, I like fell in November and I dislocated my ankle. And I think John thought I was being more dramatic than the injury until I saw him like look down at my ankle. And I watched him get very like zen and I was like oh this is bad because I didn't I haven't looked down yet yeah and I was like oh he's like in a very like even keeled like hey Nicole I think we're gonna call 911 and everything will be fine and I was like huh okay then I looked down and I was like, oh, no! And I was like, oh, okay. Me screaming was on par for the injury. Was it the size of, like, swelling?

Or was it, like, bone sticking out? Or, like, what was happening? It's hard to describe. But, like, instead of my foot facing forward, my foot was facing, forward, my foot was facing. So my right foot was facing all the way to the right and up. And at my ankle, there was like, I'm from Jersey. So like to go left, you have to go right.

And we call them jug handles. So yeah, like a handle on a jug. So like my ankle stopped and then there was like a weird bulb that like swooped out and then my foot it truly it looked like yeah like a doll like if you broke a barbie ankle and it was just like you could just move it around it looked wild it was truly incredibly nasty and i was laying on my side and I was like, my foot is so close to my face and I can do a split. So like I can put my foot close to my face, but usually I'm like trying and exerting energy and force. And I was like, this is just here. This just lives here now. This is its home.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. That sounds so painful. Oh my goodness. That sounds so painful. It was. And now I'm scared about moving. I move very gingerly. And I was doing a day on this movie. And base camp was not super far from set.

But it was far enough that you had to walk a little briskly. And I kept being like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm slow. My ankle. And I have a slight limp but like not enough where you'd be like oh something's wrong with this person and I wanted to be like invisible injuries or injuries too um if someone has to go slow please let them and then I was like I feel so bad for people with like invisible ailments yeah like i i got into this hole and this lady

has one leg and has a prosthetic leg so she parks in handicap because she's got a sticker because it's it hurts it hurts when you walk on a prosthetic leg yeah and she doesn't look like she has a prosthetic leg so she says every time she gets out of her car and she's very young and looks sporty. So people will be like, you're not handicapped. Don't park there. And I was like, this must be so hellish for everybody. Oh, my God. What does she do?

And I only get like a glimpse into it. I don't know what I would do if I were her. What does she do when people come at her? Is she like, oh, let's calm down. In the video, she said, I'm allowed to park. I think she just says I'm allowed to park and will just show her sticker. Yeah. But people are so rude.

I mean, America. Am I right? America. America is wild. It's wild. Have you seen, okay, this is, it's a real, it's a real treat. Okay. But also, nightmare.

It's the QAnon documentary on HBO. Have you watched it? No, I'm dying to see it. Have you watched it? I watched half of it, and to me, this one woman very seriously says, I tell the truth. I tell the truth about how the leaders in this world

are satanic satan worshipers who sacrifice babies and drink their blood I revealed those truths and I was like hmm ma'am ma'am ma'am I mean ma'am what would you do if I was honestly like well I mean that is that is her truth and that's that's real that's very real but then can you imagine I just start defending I think I would be like thank god bless like if you were like actually I am cute I believe in it I post things I think I would be like I'm very cute I think I would like I wouldn't run away and I wouldn't be like oh my goodness I'm so sorry I said that I think I'd be, I wouldn't run away and I wouldn't be like, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry I said that. I think I'd be like, oh, okay, so you have to unpack this for me. Yeah, and then that's the rest. Why?

That's the rest of the episode. No, no, no, no. I'm definitely not. I want to watch this so badly. I love any kind of a docuseries right now. I would do them all. All of them. All of them.

Especially if they have a little dash of murder I'm in. Oh, well, there's no murder in this, but I'm sure there will be soon. But it's a lot like the Bible. So like the Bible's parables, essentially. Yeah. Some people take parts literally and some are figurative and it's however you want to interpret it.

QAnon's posts are just like these arbitrary sentences that then people piece together and make YouTube videos about. And then other people, like everyone's like, Q's a bunch of people or he's one person or da da da da. And it's like, so you believe in all this stuff that's just like up for interpretation? But I guess that's what religion is. I don't know. It's, it's interesting. That is very interesting. That is is. I don't know. It's interesting. That is very interesting. I grew up Catholic. And as I became older, as you do, you sort of look back at everything and go, well, what do I believe? And I'm more of a spiritual person than anything. And it's so interesting because I was like, oh, the Bible was just like teaching us some morals and some of them really don't hold up anymore and we should

correct those. And then I'm like, oh, there's people out there who think every word, which, you know, fine. Nobody knows anything. What, what's, you know, uh, but my opinion of it is just more like, oh, that was, that's like telling children, like, here's a story of like not crossing the street and why you should have. So, but it is interesting how when these new types of religions start, you're sort of just like, how? How did we get from one catchphrase to like, okay, now we're all – but I mean it was the same with like Trump too. I feel like it came out of nowhere and I was just like, oh, this is a real – like I remember being on set at Workaholics. Like it was our last episode we were shooting and it was right before the final election. And I sent to a couple of the guys there, I was like, Trump might win.

This is terrifying. And they were like, I mean, he's never going to win. And I was like, this is closer than we all think it is. It's so much closer. I was saying the same thing. You were? Yeah, because I was touring the midwest and i was like like you would land and there'd be like huge trump flags but like that's the thing with q anon he is

their jesus like they all hold him in such a high esteem is it one person or they don't know so they don't know and p.s i was also folding laundry and answering text messages so like i might be misquoting this but it started off on 4chan and went to 8chan which is like some website and 8chan is less regulated or less moderated so and then like the person who hosts the website they're like why did q choose you and he's like i don't know and i'm like oh is this person q like it's like i was like one of one of these people you're talking to who runs h and is q or whatever and then i think trump found out about q anon after it had been a thing and then played into it to then like not fuck with his supporters but like generate more of a loyalty to him i think he likes being

this like diet if you will i don't know the whole thing is fucking fascinating and what it came down to for me i was like everyone needs a hobby like go outside get on like roller skates a skateboard go fishing uh start writing some stories publish the books i don't know it was it's just so weird what would you do i just love the idea of you know what you guys stop believing in this and go grab some roller skates and we will see you outside and it is gonna be fine it's gonna be a-okay just get on the other side i'm just like you're fighting for the wrong thing like as opposed to this like insane message board that leaves these insane clues and memes and shit why don't you go after government officials like be like i want change you're too old to be in the senate like

we have these decrepit old people who are making laws and they're making very bad choices like our governor fucking sucks also like what they've done with like our unhoused population is real shitty they put up that fence around echo park lake and it looks worse than an encampment they like i mean that one was a nice one and they were like a community wait i don't know a thing about this what is this what happened oh so in echo park uh around echo park link was an encampment and to me it was like rather clean and they had started like a community and they had a kitchen and they had bathrooms and i'm not saying that like encampments are great but if you're not gonna put people anywhere then allow them to have a community outside. So instead, they like put them in these little, I don't even know what to call them. They're like jail cells and they're like homeless communities, like temporary housing.

But you can't like fit all your shit in there. And then you have to like give up your animals and stuff. So it's just like not the greatest thing. And then they put up this really awful fence. So you can't even like see inside. And I can't remember what they said they were putting the fence up for, but it's all fucked up. But it's like, as opposed to like reading memes about QAnon,

like be like, Oh, displacing people is sick. Like that sucks. You're fighting for the wrong thing. You're fighting for the wrong thing right now. There's so many things that actually do need your help right now. And this is the, yeah, it does suck.

What would you do if you met Dave and he was like, I love QAnon. I'm a patriot. I was there on January 6th. I seriously think about this stuff all the time. It's kind of a like, what would I do if Dave did X, Y, and Z? I'm like, what would I do if Dave just, I mean, every birthday makes me watch a Star Wars movie. I don't. I, I, and it's nothing against people who like Star Wars.

Star Wars is obviously I'm, I'm, I'm wrong here. It's a huge franchise, but I am like, I don't have the energy to watch it. I can't watch anything where someone says, where's the Glee Boglorfin? And we never end up meeting that until the second episode or whatever. I'm like, I need to know who the Glee McLarvin is now. Cause I'm, I'm already like trying to learn all this new language. So maybe Dave does that. Maybe Dave was, was,

uh, there at the Capitol. Man, that would really suck. That would suck more than the Star Wars thing, to be clear. Way more than the Star Wars thing. But also like,

I'm okay. Let me ask you this. What are your um oh what is it called where you're like a red flag i can't do it um your your rules what's the word for red flags not red flags deal breakers what are your deal breakers do you have a deal breaker yeah so like on a first date if someone keeps talking about what they want to be doing and then i ask them what they're doing they're like just some bullshit job then i'm like uh i don't like i because you can have like a fluff job to get to where you want to be that's a job that you love right like before anything was happening for me i worked uh as a i guess i was a secretary a bad one oh a one. Oh, a receptionist. I was a receptionist at UCB and then nannying.

And my families were really flexible and would like work with my schedule with auditions and stuff. And then I loved just being around funny people. So it's like, I wasn't where I wanted to be, but like doing something I loved. Yeah, I hate when people are like, oh yeah, this fucking job until this happens.

And I'm like, well, why are you doing that fucking job? Like, go do something you love. That's a red flag. What's one of your red flags or deal breakers? I mean, this is I feel like this is a lot of people's. But if they're if they're rude to people that that they feel like don't really matter, like like waiters or something like, you know, I mean mean? Like, I'm like, who are you? Why do you think you're better than anyone?

Or I don't know. I think that's a big one. But I'm trying to think of like a weird one because I'm sure I have like a weird one. I don't like dirty fingernails. Like, I really, I'm looking at at my now they're a little dirty because i i need to cut them they're gross i just took my fake nails off uh but yeah i don't like men with dirty fingernails because i'm like do you wash because boys are notorious for like not washing their butts for a while like boys are dirty yeah. Yeah. Boys are very dirty. I actually am. I

am a little known for dating men that have just slight BO, just slight body odor. But is it noticeable only to you or to other people? No, to other people too. They go, wow, he really is doing something physical during the day. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very funny. I've never introduced like a boy I was dating to any of my friends. I don't even know how I do that. I don't know how to do anything. Wait, I'm like, I feel like, can I set you up with someone?

Is there someone to set you up with? Please. Oh, that'd be so great. What's your type? Tell me about your type. Okay. I don't really have a type. I am okay with men, women, non-binary, however you want to identify.

I'm not naturally inclined to go for women i just refuse to close that door because that seems crazy just to me uh and i've like uh there was one lady i truly fell in love with i was like she's never been nicer to another person than me and i love her and she was like i'm I'm getting married. And I was like, okay. But anywho. I like, in my brain, I would want someone taller than me. But I don't know if that matters. And I just found out I'm 5'5".

So like a lot of people are taller than me. I thought I was 5'7", my whole adult life. And then I met, I got into a fight with my friend, because she says she's 5'7". And I was like, you're a liar. for my whole adult life. And then I got into a fight with my friend, Sashir, because she says she's 5'7", and I was like, you're a liar, because I'm shorter than you, and I'm 5'7". You're at least six foot.

So she measured herself, she was 5'7", and it turns out I'm 5'5". That's why I'm shorter than her. So someone taller than me. Okay, great, great. Someone with a career that they love. Yes. Friends.

I think it's a real red flag when someone doesn't have friends. Yeah. And then like has to like me and be nice to me. I mean, by the way, that's on every woman that I know. It's on my list where I'm just like they like me and they're into talking to me it's like the saddest quality ever it's like yeah because i've dated so many dudes where i'm like i feel like i'm bothering you and i was like i don't want to feel like that oh wait julian we have to take a break

okay we're back. I want people at home to know that there wasn't a commercial break and it was just a, we're taking a break and we're back. That made me so happy. Okay. But yeah, I just want someone who's nice. I mean, yeah, I think that's what we all want yeah i just want someone who's nice i mean yeah i think that's what we all want it's just someone who's lovely and who thinks we're lovely and wants to have a pretty positive lovely life those are the those are the wants and needs i don't even need to get married i don't think i want to get married but on the other hand i do need to get married. I don't think I want to get married. But on the other hand, I do want to get married if that makes any sort of sense. Well, what is it that you do that makes you want to get married? Okay, I want to wear a big poofy dress. Yeah. And I want to look really pretty and take pictures. And then invite all my friends to come and be like, you look pretty.

And then invite all my friends to come and be like, you look pretty. Yes. And then we all get drunk and they're like, you were so pretty. And then I'm like, isn't he pretty? He's good, too. I love him. Yeah, I just, I like a public declaration. That seems nice.

But then on the flip side, I don't want that person to have half of all my belongings. Well, I think that's what a prenup is for, maybe. It's not sexy. But I think even with a prenup, if you are with someone for a certain amount of time, I think they're entitled to like something. But here's the thing. If you're with someone for however long that must be, by then they've earned it, right? No, I don't want to give you anything. No, you're right. If I'm with someone for like 20 years and I'm doing pretty well, it's like, yes, I loved you. Here's something so you can keep the same lifestyle.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Or you just go 19 years and like 364 days and then call it off. So you don't have to worry about it. And then I go, bye, bitch. Goodbye. Wait, what are you looking for in a man? Okay, I am looking for a guy who, oh my God, I have so many things rushing through my brain, who would love to go do something fun with me, but, uh, isn't, isn't weird about the fact that I work a lot. Um, I want him to be, um, a kind person and maybe have a, if I'm getting into physical descriptions, descriptions have be able to have a beard i really like beards oh yeah i really like beard little scruffy and i like i like a lot of hair even if your hair is short just i like like i have pretty thick hair too so i just

want to have like thick haired babies maybe one one, maybe two. And he has to be cool with the fact that I'm really close with my family. Like my sister and I live together right now. We won't always live together, but we live together. And my mom's like eight minutes away. And it's just the three of us in our family. We're very close. So as long as he can put up with the three bell girls, then he's a gem. That's adorable. What a dream. My mom, she lives far away. She lives in heaven. But if my mom was alive. My dad lives there too. Oh, wow. One of their neighbors and their friends. Maybe they're friends. What's your mom's name?

Lily. Lily and Ron have for sure met. They have for sure had a fun night out somewhere on the clouds. I love it. I hope so. But if my mom were still living, I would love to live near her. I would bother her so much. She'd be so mad she lived near me.

I love that you're close to your family. That's like, that's just nice. It's sweet. It's very sweet. It's very like we're definitely in each other's business to a level of which now we're working on it, working on separating that a little bit. But we all just adore each other and we're silly and loud and make up songs and have a good time. So, yeah.

How old is your sister? Are you guys close in age? She's five years older than me. Oh, okay. Yeah. My sister, she's a year and a half older than me. Oh, okay. Yeah. My sister's, she's a year and a half older than me, I think.

Yes, she's like a year, like a year and a half to the day older than me. We couldn't live near each other, I don't think. I think she'd be like, you have to stop coming over. Please leave me alone.

I'm trying to lead a very quiet life and you're loud. I feel like a year and a half is like sometimes too close in age for some people like the five years apart we were never in high school together so we were never really competitive in that way and she's like having a second mom almost like just another person telling me like you can go out on a first date and don't sleep with him and i'm like everyone shut up everyone says that but i'm like the person who will love me will be

so excited we slept together on the first date it's a part of the story yeah but also i'm like the last so i've only waited with one person and it was bad. Like we never even like actually had sex because he couldn't get it up. And then he like started spiraling and I was like, oh, no. And then I was like, maybe he put too much pressure on it. I don't know. So I don't wait. I refuse to wait.

You like to just meet them and then have sex immediately, right? That's what you've told me before. I'm just joking. Yes. Yes. That's exactly what I've told you before. No. You're yes-handing that terrible improv.

I just pitched you. Just greet a person and then see them naked. Yes. Never even like have a drink. No conversation. I like a handshake. Well, now it's an elbow because of COVID. And then straight to the bedroom.

It was always handshake to handjob. Just immediately get it there. Although I'm like dying to go to a bar. I can't wait. I'm not even like a big drinker. But I will probably have like a glass and a half of something, of wine probably, and then I will be like, who would like to take me home?

Because I am going with someone else, someone new. take me home because I am going with someone else, someone new. I have a fantasy of like having a Manhattan or like some sort of whiskey based drink and a very darkly lit bar. And then a good song comes on and I'm like, we all have to dance. And then everyone gets up and dances with me. If you want, if you want, when, you you know places get back to normal we can be inside and it's safe to be kicking a jukebox and all that and a song comes on i will do this plan with you i will ask we don't know each other and a song will come on and i'll ask them to crank it up joe because

there's someone named joe that works. And then we will meet in the center and we will start dancing and we will get everyone up off their feet. Honestly, that really excites me. It makes me very happy. And I'm like, I just like, I have just this fantasy of it happening. I have a fantasy that like once things are open,

we can all just freely dance when we want. Yeah, I think we can all just freely dance when we want yeah i think we can do whatever we want i feel like i feel like a lot is going to happen like roaring 20s style a lot is going to happen when we can come back like i feel like people will be like i don't wear pants anymore and we're like great roger and like and then jane's gonna be like i have an orgy with my mailman and i can't wait 20 teachers yeah it's 20 20 teachers i mean there are essential workers they worked really hard so the teachers in the postal service they're gonna get to have orgies baby that's what we're announcing right here right now right here right now you heard it

here first and why won't you date me the teachers and the postal workers can have an orgy oh boy what a treat that would be my goodness okay we both need to manifest okay we need to because i feel like both of us said it with like a smile that like uh these are like, you're going to meet Dave. I'm going to meet this man, Jay. Yeah. I think we need to like manifest it. So here's what I did.

And you can join me if you like. But I've been like getting kind of hippy dippy and I've been burning incense. Yes. And I got this come, I think it's called come to me love candle from House of Intuition. So you let it burn for three days or however long it takes for it to burn completely. And I was scared and I already had one and I kept blowing it out,

but they said it doesn't work if you blow it out. So I got another one and I'm gonna put it in like a thing of water and that's just so you feel safe, I guess. And then you're supposed to like set your intentions into it and then let it burn for the three days or whatever. So I'm going to do that Monday evening. And if you want to join me, you can, and we can set our intentions and then love will come to us. Oh, I hope it works that way. That will make me very happy. I mean,

I also, by the way, love the idea of putting it in water. How safe is that? Yeah. And I like, so wait, let me ask you another question about this. Are you going to write down who this dreamy person is? Or you're just going to say love comes? You are. You're going to get specific. I'm going to write down the things that I want and be very, very, very specific. Because the last time I wrote down everything i wanted in a person

i got it and he was not emotionally available ready for a relationship or wanting to commit wait a minute none of those things were on your list no i was just like a fun time likes me uh thinks I'm sexy. And he thought all those things and he like vocalized them to the point where I was like, oh, I guess I have to be more specific, which is a little annoying. And then, yeah. Yeah. He's like, I'm not ready for a relationship. And then we stopped seeing each other.

And guess what he's in? A relationship. Always, always the case. Yeah. And I don't take it too personally i'm just like oh you just don't want to be in a relationship with me which is nice that like you knew that and voiced it i don't like him i've just decided i've just decided i don't like that man good i don't know me actually i'm pretty indifferent to him. He was rather boring, but like funny. Oh, so you weren't like rooting this on. You weren't like hoping.

No, I was. I was very much rooting it on because on paper he was like great. And in person he was like rather great. But like after the fourth date, like there was no spark. And I was like forcing a spark. I was like, if I just bring matches to the date, there will be a spark. And it's like, no, if it's not there, it's not there. I know that is a really hard thing to push.

And I'm the same way. Like if I find that anyone has like potential, I'm like, this is what it looks like when we're cooking in the kitchen. And this is what it looks like when you wake up in the middle of the night to like take care of our kid because I can't get it, but you've already offered because you're a great guy. Like, I know I go down that whole, whole thing if they seem like they're like nice,

nice enough. But nice enough doesn't just do we need great people yeah and that's something i'm coming to terms with that it's like it's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel like you're not enough because i am enough and everybody's like everybody as a person is enough and you don't need someone to validate that. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Although, God, your brain can trick you sometimes that you're not. Oh, yeah.

My brain does that. Yes. Very well. Yeah. I have to keep telling myself facts are not feel or no feelings are not facts. Yes. You can have a feeling. Yeah.

You can spiral out a little bit, but like you have to come to terms with like it's not real and then sometimes when you're like oh it's me that's why they didn't want to be with me it's like sure but like did you want to be with them and if the answer is like yes and it's like well you shouldn't because they don't want to be with you and that's okay that one took me a long time to learn. That's a tough one. Oh, I truly just learned it. Like, I wish I could go back and text every man I've ever dated and been like, hey, really sorry for like continuing to text after we were absolutely done. So sorry. But then you can't do that because then you're like crazy and you're texting them again.

Oh, my God. I so many times where I've been in things where you see someone again and they're still not available. And yet you guys both do these like things of like, I don't know. I always feel like I've been in those scenes at a bar where like, I run into someone who was like an ex or an ex thing, not an ex thing, but do you know what I mean? Where it's like, we didn't date, but we kind of did. And then like they say something super romantic and you do too. And then you find out they're still with someone

and you're just like, oh man, are we in a movie? Because this is really bad, cheesy writing and none of it's real. Yeah. And I need to actually connect with the human who's available and open to a real possibility of relationship. So that was my early 20s for sure. And my late 20s as well.

Yeah. I feel like that's early 20s, late 20s, early 30s. And now I'm 47 years old and finally figuring out life. Are you 47 years old? No, but life you are not are you 47 years old no but i like to say different ages i was like you're not 47 years old honestly i cannot remember if i'm 34 or 35 but i also might be 36 maybe my sister's 36 i don't know i just went through this with her i we were like on the phone and i was like, wait, how old are you? And then she she like had a definite answer. And I was like, so does that make me 34?

And she was like, no, wait, maybe I am. I was born, you know, I don't care. I refuse. I refuse to figure it out right now. I love that. So I'm about to have a birthday. April 25th is my birthday. And I'm turning 37. And I'm like, now I've passed, I think, two birthdays where people start to go like, happy birthday. Freeze your eggs. And I'm like, what? So I guess I should do that soon. But I don't want to.

I'm like, dude, if you're out there and you're listening to this, just contact me. Because I don't feel like freezing my eggs my mom had me at 39 i believe okay and she was told she couldn't have any more kids so then my parents started raw dogging and then i came so i don't i i feel like women can have children like into their 40s they can can. I think it's like harder, but you can. Well, I think it was after, I could be wrong about this, but I think it's like after 35, it's considered like a geriatric pregnancy,

which is the saddest thing ever. Wow. Yeah. Dang, a geriatric. Yeah. That's very funny, but also, I guess, horrifying and sad. Very, very horrifying. I would hate for someone to, like, spread my legs and be like,

all right, let's look at this geriatric pussy. I'd be so upset. I'd be like, you're a gynecologist. You can't just say pussy at me. I just picture, like, the baby coming out of the womb, but with a little walker, just like. Oh my goodness. That I love.

That really, that's a treat. I would love a baby to, like if I, the only way I would have a child is if there was an option to have it walk out of you i don't have to do anything i lay down and the baby just like walks out of me and is like hello i'd be like great let's do that oh my i well i always see like who was it i think it was courtney kardashian who has pulled all she had has three kids, four kids, whatever she has.

Really? All of her kids out, just herself, just like going down there and like picking them up under their shoulders, I guess. I'm like, that's cool,

kind of. It's, I kind of would want to do that if I could. I don't think I'd want to pull something out of me. Yeah. Well. I'm like, I barely want to pull something out of me. Yeah. Well,

I'm like, I barely want to pull my diva cup out. Like I can't pull a child out of me. That's too much. I don't know. I would just, it's, it's very like lion King to just like pull this child out of your vagina and

hold it up to the, to the sun. I drank a CBD weed soda last night and i was sitting outside and i was like thinking about childbirth and i was like how intense and then i was like oh my god women's days and lives are intense so you have pms the week before you start bleeding for a week you're only like normal for two weeks two weeks out of a month and then men just walk around normal every and they murder people and stuff like i just don't get it they murder people they murder us they murder ladies a lot yes maybe and it's like oh's like, oh, I made you mad.

I'm sorry. I'm dealing with these irrational thoughts and I can't figure out why. And it's like, oh yeah, I'm bleeding later. It's I, yeah, it's truly intense.

I just saw this thing today that was saying that until 1993, senators were required to wear skirts or dresses They couldn't wear pants Like if they were doing anything at the Capitol or anything And it wasn't until 1993 that they could wear pants I was sort of like, this feels very late Very late Yes

And I was just like, what? So wait, they had to like figure, they had to, you know, know their shit, show up, and have shaved their legs every time they went in? No, thank you. I mean, yeah. Women are held to such a, such a different standard. And then I was thinking last night, I was like, so how did men get to be the ones who get paid more and in charge of everything? And I was like, oh, during PMS, you can gaslight a woman.

Because that's when they're most vulnerable. And then you have your period, and then you're in pain, and then you're just like, yes, whatever you said last week is fine. And then when you're two weeks at your normal, you like oh well this rule has now been put in place wow rats i mean i gotta say pms and a little gas lighting that's my favorite cocktail you know it really gets me hot i'm going just a little pms gaslight cocky tail. I'm upset and everyone's telling me I did something wrong that I didn't do wrong. I love it.

Jillian, truly, I could talk to you for 20 more hours. But we can't. Why? Because, I don't know, I think episodes are only supposed to be an hour long. That's what I've been doing and no one's told me otherwise. Okay. Yeah, I guess we could just at some point talk to each other on a phone or on a FaceTime. That would be lovely.

I really enjoy you, Nicole. I mean, I would like to be your friend. I think it'd be really nice. I would like to be your friend i think it'd be really nice i would like to be your friend as well i honestly feel like i know john i know you now more like let's all do something at some point when we were vaccinated and feel safe that would be nice yes he's vaccinated i think fully next week or in two weeks oh my god have you had your shot yet, your first one? I have had my first one. I haven't had my second one yet, but I'm excited.

I'm excited to get that done. Well, I'm going to give you my number because I want you to be my friend. Okay, I would like that very much. This is nice and easy. This is cute. Sometimes it's hard to make friends. I know. I know.

Isn't it funny that we both started off and we're like, we're single, and we're ending being single, but we found a friend. I know. I know. Isn't it funny that like, like we both started off and we're like, we're single and we're ending being single, but we found a friend, you know, there's something really sweet about that. I like it. Jillian, before we go, do you have anything you want to promote? I mean, our show, The Pole, it's on SyFy every Wednesday at 11.15. And I have a show that I was on, No Activity. I think they're in their fourth season. And the season has been animated with motion capture, which was really cool to do. Oh, cool. Yeah. And that's out now. I think it's on, I could be wrong about this. I think it's on Paramount Plus. Yes, Paramount Plus.

That's how I like saying all the plus networks, and I don't know why. I say Discovery Plus, Disney Plus, Paramount Plus. It makes it just a little fancier. I like that. There's so many of them. Yeah, it's just a little fun. There's a lot, and I have to get Paramount Plus because uh drag race all stars is only going to be on uh paramount so i gotta get it and then i'll watch no activity so it's uh it's a win-win for everybody wait i just thought of something too and then i will

i won't delay anymore because i know we're going too long do you think that when we date people we should call ourselves like nicouse and Jillian Pluse? It's like you don't get access to all of my streaming until you've completely registered by calling, like committing. And then you're on Jillian Pluse or Nicole Pluse. Yes, I like that. Okay. That works for me. Do you want to be part of Nicole Plus

I'm going to meet this man he's going to be like what's wrong with you just say your friend Jillian made you do something weird my new best friend Jillian made me do something weird okay I forgot to ask you a question would you date me?

A million times over, baby. A million times over. Oh, yay. Thank you. I would date you too, which is why you're gonna be my new friend. That's the end of this podcast. I haven't figured out love,

but I got a new friend. If you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe. If you leave me like a nasty review, either on Apple Podcasts or like, I don't know, I got an email that I give out. But somebody went to a Kia dealership and left that email there.

So now, and his name is Josh. Josh left baconcansaveatgmail.com at the Kia dealership. So now Kia has been bugging me about a car. Josh, I don't need a car. So anyway, this nice person wrote to me. I want to be at a party and animal house style wrestle you. We would start out with cool headbands and shiny thongs and start battling in a lube filled kiddie pool. We would throw punches but slip right off each other till we fell on top of each other and accidentally caught each other's gaze.

And all of a sudden the fighting has made us horny. And we start making out and rolling all over the pool. Whoop, my fingers slip right into your lubed-up pussy. And yours and mine. We forget that there's a crowd watching us and finger-baying each other around the kiddie pool till we're too tired and take a nap. A nap in front of all the people?

Wait, that's the part that freaks you out the most? Yes! Imagine being at a party. That's the part that freaks you out the most. Yes. Imagine being at a party. Two women start wrestling in a lubed up kiddie pool. And then they finger blast each other. And you're like, should we be watching? Oh, my God.

And then they pass out and go to sleep. That would be the weirdest thing. That actually would be a weird part. Because at least, like, people have imagined that. That's been like a fantasy before. But the end is a twist. It's like an M. Night Shyamalan twist. Yes.

Because then you're like, are they dead? Should we help them? Should we just leave them? Are they okay? It would just cause so many queries. So many queries. Wait, is this written by Josh, the guy with the key occur? No.

This is a different person. Who was this written by? I'm just with the Kia car? No. This is a different person. Who was this written by? I'm just curious if the Josh is not the J for you. No. Josh cannot be the J for me because he signed me up for, I've gotten at least 16 emails from Kia. And I only check the email like once a week, but I was like, this is too many emails from the Kia dealership.

So then I had to unsubscribe from the Kia dealership and then I was like, oh no, they probably think they lost a customer who's going to actually buy something. And then I felt bad and then I was like, who cares? They'll be fine. Not your guy. Put you through too much worry. Yeah. Goodbye, Josh. Okay, that's it.

Bye-bye! That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.