Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Woke Therapy (w/ Fiona Landers)

Episode Date: August 31, 2018

Things get heavy in this episode of Why Won't You Date Me. Fiona Landers (UCB, Full House) discusses her previous marriage with a comedian, how a death in the family affected her dating life, and ghosting. Nicole reads her Hinge dating app answers and realizes it could be the reason she never gets matches.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah, baby Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single Even though I will not No, I want to be eaten out I was going to say even though you don't have to eat me out But, like, you absolutely have to Even though, that's it, I want to be eaten out. I was going to say, even though you don't have to eat me out, but like you absolutely have to.

Even though, that's it. I don't know. I can't think of anything today. My guest today. Okay, I went on your IMDb. You were a child actor and I had no idea. You were on Full House. Fiona Landers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm so sad that that's like, I went on your IMDb and figured out that you survived being a child. I didn't know. I had no idea. That's wild. Yeah. It's probably why I'm a funny person and a good writer, but maybe not. Maybe some acting baggage.

What was that like? What are other child actors like? Because I've interacted with them and they're very precocious and they're curious. You guys are a curious creature. It's not good. I think there's a lot of damaged people. I was in a scene with a group of children,

and by group I mean three, but more than two is too many. Yeah. And I like fucked up a line, and I like looked at him, and I was like, fuck, fuck. And I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scream that word at you.

And he looked at me and he said, I hear worse on a daily basis. And I was like, oh, no. What does that mean? It's sad. But he was like, none of them were phased by it. No. And the moms on set were not phased by it. No.

It was very interesting. How long were you a child? When did you give up child acting? When you became an adult? I know. It's like I've had to do a lot of work in therapy to be like, I'm separating what I was as a child actor and then now having a different career. But I, yeah, my parents are both actors. And they didn't push me to it, but, kind of fell into it oh no my phone isn't

on silent and this is my ringtone it is uh the full song of live in la vida loca by ricky martin that's amazing I am the most ridiculous person I'm'm sorry. So your parents were actors. Yeah, they were actors. And I just like, they were doing a musical. And the little girl who was the star of the musical was actually Elizabeth Moss. And she booked a movie. And then I did it. Was it Escape to Witch Mountain? I don't know.

That's honestly the only credit i would give elizabeth moss if she was a guest on my podcast i would say you know her from disney's escape to which mountain elizabeth moss because that's the credit that's interesting to me yeah yeah so then i i just like i don't know it's like i feel like a little bit like i grew up in the circus a little bit where it was just like everybody performs and everyone does that. And then I probably like in middle school I stopped and was just like I can't do this. But my parents were also cool. They weren't like that much of stage parents that were like trying to drag me to like a lot of auditions. They were just like if you want to do it, do it.

My dad was – I don't know. My dad is a long story. But my dad was like, I remember one time I wanted to go to the movies. But I had an audition. He was like, do you want to be in the movie or do you want to go to the movie? And so it's like, it gets summed up in that where it's like, that's not good for children. No, but also that is wild. Yeah.

Because as a kid I'd be like, well, I don't know, can I do both? And you should be able to do both. So are you now a single woman or are you dating? I'm a single woman. Yeah. Are you dating? I'm not trying hard, but I have dipped my toe in. Fair. Are you on the apps no no no so I'm not so how are

you dipping your toe well like if someone asks me I'll be like okay when's the last date you went on um probably like a couple weeks ago and how was it uh it was fine. It was fine. The guy was really nice. But it, I mean, it feels like a lot of pressure. I don't know. Like, even though he wasn't putting pressure on me, it just feels like, I don't know. The way I feel about it is like, I feel like, and this is just me. I'm like, I feel like you're trying to trap me into

a relationship but no one's doing that see that is my thought but in like kind of reverse it's I'm going to trap you into this relationship you are going to marry me yeah every date I go and I go like this is going to be my husband and it's going to be great. I fall in love so quickly. Oh my gosh. Almost immediately. Just like upon looking at a picture. Yeah. Except lately, I've been saying this a lot, the men have gotten grosser on these apps and I don't know what to do. Just like you've noticed it's noticeable. You're just like, they're gross. Like, they're all, like, it's either maybe a bunch of uggos have moved to L.A. and I didn't realize it. Or the men, or maybe the good ones are getting snatched up. I don't know what it is.

Yeah. So, can we, you were married. I was married, yeah. Are you okay talking about that? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, you were both in comedy.

Yeah. And that's how you met? Yeah. And how long were you married? Like a hot sec. Like I was with this person for like a long time. We were like, that's why it's hard. I was with him for like six years.

Okay. And, but we were only married for about one year. OK. That's more than a hot sack. I know. That's like a hot minute. Yeah. Hot minute. Yeah. Hot minute. Yeah. So when did you decide that you guys were going to get married? Well, he asked me and it was like I didn't – I was still really unsure and not even because he's not a great guy, which he is. But like I was just unsure about it. Like I'm not sure I want to be – I absolutely made the choice to not be married. But I don't know if it, like, I don't know.

Or I would have to, I met this person when I was so young, like, really young. And then, I don't know, I just, like, changed. And the dynamic I think I wanted was no longer, you know, I grew out of it. no longer, you know, I grew out of it. I do think it's very interesting that our society puts so much pressure on women getting married, having a baby, and then that's it. That's your destination. Yeah. And then they're like, you have to either choose a career or a family. You can't have it all.

Which is like one of the things I loved about 30 Rock where Liz Lemon kept being like, but can't I? Yeah. But I think the consensus on that show was she could not. Yeah. I think it's just like it is that the demands on women, it's just a lot. Yeah. And it's not, it's really, it's not fair. No, it's just a lot. Yeah. And it's not, it's really, it's not fair.

No, it's not fair. Yeah, I feel like men, men can be single until they're like 50. Yeah. And then they're like a silver fox and then you're like,

ooh, you caught yourself a nice little, you know, silver daddy. Yeah. And then when women hit 50 and you're not married,

it's like, oh no! Yeah, everyone feels so sad for you. Yeah, so like, women hit 50 and you're not married, it's like, oh, no. Yeah, everyone feels so sad for you. Yeah, so like, how many cats do you have? How sad are you? Yeah. And you're just like, not that sad? Yeah.

I go in and out of being very sad about being single. Yeah. And then, like, I was, like, just in my house yesterday, and I was like, would I give up a career to be in a shitty relationship and I know it's not like a choice anyone's ever given but I was like no I'm like I wouldn't give up my life to be in a relationship

yeah and that's very good I think so too it makes you a better candidate for having a good relationship yes and for a hot second I was like ooh baby I'm very happy with who i am everything's great but then i didn't go to therapy for three months because i was like in and out of town and then working and then i did a couple things that i was like huh yeah i don't know

if your brain good yeah your brain might be bad i know i know sometimes when i'm like i think i can skip therapy i'm like no every time it comes around i like really need it it really helps me yeah after like two months i went back and i saw mary my lovely therapist and we talked for like a full hour on this like one subject that i was like i did this thing but like I don't know if it was a good choice and she was like I mean Nicole I was like okay let's break it apart

do we have the same therapist my therapist name her name is also Mary but maybe not is it on Beverly no okay

okay but yeah that would be very funny if we were like oh my god we share a Mary yeah we share a Mary

Mary's like this older white lady who's super woke uh i love her very much i like loved her immediately like we had one session i like sat down she was like so and i was like my parents are dead and then started sobbing and she was like okay i see you next week and i said yes and every week after Mary I need you I need you Mary I know but sometimes you find yourself not telling your therapist everything because you're like I don't want you to think badly of me I mean it is wild therapy is like the most mysterious weird like even the relationship that comes out with you and the therapist it's like obviously like magnifying your issues

outside of that, just all your relationship issues. So the longer you see your therapist, you're like, I have a relationship with this person and she's going to see all my weird things that I do to people with relationships. That's so wild to me. It is. And I sometimes have to write down things

I don't want to tell Mary and then look at it before I go see her and then be like, okay, you have to talk to her about this. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and your money. Oh, therapy. It's nuts. Everybody needs to go. I mean, I went to therapy only for the first time when my dad died. And so I was like, yeah, I'm going for grief.

It's so funny to be like when you go to therapy and then you find out crazy shit just about your life, like all areas of your life. And that was so wild to me because I was like, I came here for grief. What are you telling me about? Nothing else is wrong with me. I'm just a little sad. Yeah. And then it was like, what are you telling me about, like, these old – Nothing else is wrong with me. I'm just a little sad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then it was like, what are you telling me?

Like, all the things that are revealed about you. It's, like, so crazy. Can I ask how long ago did your dad die? This is getting real. This is heavy. We're going to keep it light. We're going to keep it light. I don't know.

I like going a little dark sometimes. I mean, I am a dark little horse. So my dad died March 2015. Oh, okay. Yeah. So still kind of recent. Dude, still very recent. And probably a big reason why when he died is when I was like, I don't want to be married.

I don't want like I had my it shook up my life so much. And I didn't I guess that back to therapy. It's like I didn't know how much my relationship with my dad like had impacted my relationship with all men, with boys and then men. Like it was just like that was all interconnected. And and I in therapy would feel so ashamed by that but then now I'm like no it makes total sense it's okay yeah like it's like and women get so stigmatized if you have like a complicated relationship with your dad or like so I'm just like no that's wrong I and I learned from Mary that like we all have like you know instead of like daddy issues or mommy issues, she's like, we all have imprints from our caregivers.

Oh, my God. I love that. I know. I know. Imprints from our caregivers. My Mary says stuff like that, too. And I'm like, oh, my God, Mary, I'm wet. I'm so wet.

and I'm like, oh my God, Mary, I'm wet. I'm so wet, Mary. Yeah, I have straight up imprint issues from my caregivers. I think I seek, actually I don't think me and Mary have come to terms with this. I seek out men to validate me because I feel like my dad didn't.

Because my sister, I talk about my sister so much to the point where people are like is she gonna be on the podcast i'll tell you something no um she my sister's like very quiet yeah and my dad's side of the family they're all quiet people so they're like ah you're part of our tribe and i was very loud so i was not part of the tribe and they love to point that out yeah and then they're also like very thin island people and my mom's side they're like a little heavier and I take after

my mom's side of the family so it was like I'm loud I'm bigger like I truly don't belong so then like at home it would be like kind of okay whatever but like when my dad got around his family they would like he would join the tribe and would be like, kind of okay, whatever. But when my dad got around his family, he would join the tribe and be like, why are you so loud?

I'm like, I don't know. You live with me all the time. Don't you remember? It's me. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, so I think I spent a lot of time finding men who are like, I'm like, I'll do what you want. And then you'll like me like that. Right, right.

So it's a, but I do try to like be who I am when I meet men. Yeah. But also I do try to be like a little quieter because I'm like, men seem to want a meek lady who's quiet. Oh man, it's so wild. That's what is so hard. Like I, I relate to that a lot. Not in the, obviously like your specifics are different.

But my dad – my sister was like the golden child. And then I would like butt heads with my dad. And I would get in trouble all the time. distant complicated men and and try to uh you know create a good relationship with someone who it would be so difficult with because my dad like because that relationship was so difficult and like and he was so inconsistent so i i almost seek out like the inconsistent kind of chaotic men and try to like, and also try to make them be vulnerable. Like that's my favorite thing.

Like, did you see Phantom Thread? No. Anyway. Should I have? Is that an Oscar movie? Yeah. But whatever. The dynamic, I'm not going to give away anything,

but like their dynamic. Their dynamic was like, he was a very difficult man and she got him to be vulnerable and and i was like oh that i do that like i see i don't know how to make people vulnerable although like i do a thing where like after like three dates with a man i'll like tell him something about myself that usually I don't tell people off the bat. And then I'll be like, oh my God, I did it. I like said something like a little secret. Will he tell me a secret back?

And if he doesn't like, oh, now we're secret friends. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I just interviewed a boy that I dated and he was like, I felt like a friendship energy from you. And I don't know. I'm like, maybe I'm too friendly you. And I don't know. I'm like, maybe I'm too friendly. What? I don't know.

But is he also misconstruing emotional intimacy with friendship? Because emotional intimacy, like when you say, I'm sharing a vulnerable thing and then he shares a vulnerable thing. Like to me, I'm like, no, that is hot. That's like, that's like. But maybe it's like a friendship thing where like, hey, man, I'm sad today. You want to know why? No.

Yeah, bro. Okay. To me, that's like a really cool, like that builds intimacy. Maybe. I think I need to be. Maybe not for dudes. I don't know. I think I've been thinking a lot about this and I think I need to be more mysterious.

Yeah. I think men like to figure out women and i don't think you have to figure me out oh i'm the same way like i um oh this this thing happened um where i i asked someone out someone in our community i was just like you know and i and also i'm a big fan i listen to your podcast all the time and oh thank you yes and and when you talk about people you know texting back and forth for a long time that creates a false sense of intimacy right it does yeah so I was trying to and I fell into a deep deep hole with that with somebody anyway so um so this guy I was like oh he's single now. I'm single now. He's like kind of like the perfect level of removed for me. Like we don't hang out. We know he's in our community.

But like, you know, we don't we're not going to like we don't have all the same friends. And I was just like, hey, like I found out he was single. And I was like, hey, do you want to hang out? And he was like immediately like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like so uh into it and then he made a plan and was like very direct about it I was like cool this is great very direct and then he ghosted me no yeah and I was like I was like what happened and I think probably he maybe did some a little bit of sleuthing on me and was maybe like, oh, I read some personal essays of her or who even knows. But I was just like, I am quite a, I have shared some deeply personal things, you know.

And it can be, I'm not very mysterious, like, in, you know. And I think that can backfire a little bit for a woman. Oh, maybe. But also, who knows? Who even knows? Ghosting, I think, is so rude. I think it's really rude. And I was like, does he think I'm doing that poorly in my career that he doesn't think he's going to run into me?

It's like, you're going to see me. We do comedy in the same fucking places i was like wow i ghosting to me i i feel like you think so little of me that you can't be honest yeah because you're not you might hurt my feelings for a half a second yeah but i never have to wonder about you again because i have my answer like if you're not feeling it tell me you're not feeling it or like if you met someone tell me you met someone or if you're like Nicole

I think you're just like a dumb bunny I go oh no how did I become a smart bunny but like I don't I'm not going to wonder but I know exactly I read an article where people are ghosting jobs. What?

They're just at a job and then they stop showing up. Or they don't show up to the interview that they've set up because the job market is so good right now. Because of my President Trump. No, I'm kidding. I fucking hate him. He's a nightmare. He's the worst. No, we're having a great job market because it's uh residuals left over from our

actual great president bill clinton just kidding i like obama he's good i miss him obama what are you doing so you're not oh wait we should take a break And now we're back. What a treat. Okay, Fiona, so you are not on any apps. No. Have you thought about getting on any apps? You know, I, yeah, it seems like everyone's like, oh, you know, it's just a numbers game and you have to do that. And I was just like, that makes me want to die.

Yeah. I have thought do that. And I was just like, that makes me want to die. Yeah. I have thought about it. It seems very realistic or like at least you're trying. But like I every time I think I don't really give it a I just don't want to. It is hard. Yeah, it sounds really hard. I'm on so many. And at this point, I think I'm paying upwards of like $100 a year or maybe.

Well, like Tinder Plus is like $70 for the year. Oh, my God. So like maybe $200. I don't know. So I have like Tinder Plus. I pay for Hinge. I pay for Bumble. Coffee Meets Bagel, I don't like.

I've talked about it a lot. I hate it because you have to gather beans. And I'm like, what is this? Like Mario Brothers, like getting coins and shit. What is it? I don't get it. Or no, maybe that's Sonic. I don't know. it a lot yeah because you have to gather beans and i'm like what is this like mario brothers like getting coins and what is it i don't get it or no maybe that's sonic i don't know whatever um and then ok cupid has gotten creepier and then e-harmony rejected me so i want you it's so i answered their full-ass questionnaire and then they said i was part of the two percent of unmatchable people this is like years ago so maybe they don't reject anyone anymore but they kept asking like the same

question in different iterations so i was like what is this so i would answer differently yeah so maybe they were like she's a sociopath so here is my tinder okay And you can look at it. Okay. It says I'm 28 because I can't figure out how to change it. Oh, my God. I'm 30-something. I love the noodles. The first picture is you eating some noodles naked. Yes. I like Kim Kardashian because she posted a picture that said nude-dles.

And I laughed for maybe a full day. It's very funny. I love it. Well, you look beautiful. Your hair looks gorgeous. Thank you. Okay. And now I'm at the first one.

You're holding a drink. You look beautiful again. Just a different look of beauty. Oh, yes. And then this one you're crouching down with like a little barbie jeep yes showing off my ride baby you look fabulous a great striped shirt and a casual cool look and then this that's what's so great is like is it your wig selection like yes they're so beautiful and different in each photo thank you i do love a wig and i feel like i should i don't know not be up front i don't know let them know that i change my hair often yeah it looks beautiful uh this one is you're wearing like a

little monster shirt which is great and you got like a very like, I don't know, you're making a cute like side face. This is the full body. Beautiful. Yes, yes, yes. Like a jumpsuit with or like a bodysuit, a black bodysuit with it. And then an empty bookshelf, which is fun and great. And your makeup looks fabulous. Thank you.

Oh, and this is you and your pup mm-hmm i was gonna bring him but then he was acting very poorly this morning ah he's so cute thank you and you look great you have like big fabulous sunglasses and like a yellow jacket cardigan or great and then this is like a your face like a selfie your your face shot it's a your face picture at your feet yeah beautiful glasses nose ring looking great this one you're holding a big iced coffee and a cigarette. Like, you're, like, all business. Like an Olsen twin. Yeah, like an Olsen twin with giant sunglasses, more beautiful hair, great lip. Thank you.

It's my road lip. You're. So, like, at home in my bathroom, I have, like, 50 lipsticks. Yeah. That I used to carry around with me everywhere I went. But then my collection got too big. Yes. So then I put like four road lipsticks.

So I have like a purple, a darker one, and then a red. And I'll like ombre it. Beautiful. Thank you. That's great. Okay. And then this says, I guess the wildest fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage. Yeah.

Fabulous. I don't know. I had put like some puns that people were not responding to. So then I figured shorter is sweeter. I don't know. Yeah. I think it's. That's it?

I think it's beautiful and shows you being beautiful in a bunch of different looks. Thank you. Thank you so much. I thought it was good, too. Yeah. But I have yet to meet anyone since changing things. Yeah. Although the last message, I got a message yesterday, and he said, Nicole, wondering

if Nailed It is made for weed smokers. Is it? I don't know how to answer that because what television show is made for one group of people? Yeah. And I get that maybe. Okay, I'll answer him. Okay. No.

Yeah. Just a nice solid no. No. Yeah. Just a nice solid no. No. No. And then this man, David, was messaging me.

He said, so he commented on the picture of me in the iced coffee and the cigarette. And he said, you need to put cream in that coffee. I said, no, I don't. I drink it black. And then he said, LOL. That's it? Yeah. I don't know. They're just all all disappointing right like more or less yeah yes everyone is kind of just yeah a piece of shit yeah who no one is saying anything

interesting no one asks questions about you i feel like i missed the golden age of online dating. Yeah. And I don't know what's next. Yeah. I just feel like, I mean, none of them are good enough for you. Like, I just feel like they all just seem like they're just going to, I'm going to think they're a bunch of duds, you know? Like, you're so cool and, like, beautiful and funny and, like, you have your shit together. Like, it's just, like, you know? I try.

Oh, I'm also on Hinge. Do you know what Hinge is? No. Hinge takes your, like, Facebook friends and then, like, serves you people who you may know through your Facebook facebook messages oh let's see this man oh a man messaged me oh wait who is his name is doug oh wait this gives you first and last names this is wild so he said hey nicole want to smoke each other out and listen to records is he like a little hipster oh my god i just passed away who wants to do that in a first meeting

how awful i don't know you but let's change our state of mind and see if we mesh that way and then you'll what have me listen to jazz and then you'll like explain why jazz is good it would be really great if he was like a jazz guy too

like let's have a jazz cigarette and listen to jazz I mean I'm floor Doug. Doug. Ugh. It's also like that's him saying exactly what he wants to do. Yeah. I mean, ugh.

Also, on our first time meeting, you want me to like what? Come to your house? Yeah, it's gross. You're going to trap me in your house? Yeah. To me, that's also a big reason why I don't want to sign up for the apps. I'm like, it just sounds like a place for me to meet people who will murder me. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so upset. Yeah. I guess I liked something that he had written, but I can't see his profile none of his pictures were load maybe i liked him why did i like him maybe he was cute no i'm looking at his instagram now he's not uh but hopefully he doesn't listen to this sorry i don't give a shit um good luck with your records so on hinge you have to like they're trying to be like cute about it. So your profile has pictures and then you have to, like you get questions.

So my questions are, weirdest gift I have given or received, I said an Easter dinner via the mail. Yes. Oh, I love this story. My aunt sent me an Easter dinner, which is wild. It's so wild. She's just, I love this story. Yeah. My aunt sent me to dinner, which is wild. It's so wild. She's just, she's a magical person. That's what I'll say. Yeah.

Uh, most spontaneous thing I've done. I said, got married. Um, I also love this, that actually, when you talked about getting married and then getting divorced,

like it was no big, I was like, I wish I had your marriage. Cause I'm like, I had a big wedding and now it's embarrassing. I don't think it's embarrassing to have had a big wedding. No. Because there's like a couple of our friends who are now divorced.

Exactly. It happens. Who had big weddings and stuff. It happens. I think divorce has such a weird stigma to it because if it's not working, why would you stay in it? Yeah. And divorce is a means to an end of something that's not working yeah i do feel like i had some flower girls that were all young and and i'm like well

i taught them the lesson that you can have a big wedding and then you just change your mind and then you change your mind it's like you it's like throwing a sweet 16 you're not gonna be mad that you had the party yeah you had it you it. You invited your friends. Right. They gave you presents. Yeah. You got married. You had a big party. People bought you presents. And then you split up the presents.

Like, who cares? And we had like one of those honeymoon funds, but we spent it all on couples counseling. Really? Yeah. So we learned a lot. Yeah. I think that is the better meaning of a honey fund, like a honeymoon fund. Yeah. It's like our honeymoon is us being happy.

And however you fucking spend it is how you spend it. The last question I have on Hinge is what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answer is a bus driver or a mechanic. And I'm like, why does no one ask me about that? I think that's interesting. No, it is interesting. When I was little, I wanted to be a bus driver? Wanted to be a bus driver very badly. Or a mechanic.

I like cars. And then when I was little, my dad, I guess this was his way of connecting with me. I loved April. April Consumer Reports releases a car edition where they go through every make and model sold in America. And they rate it. And they tell you if it's reliable. And then they do used cars as well. a car edition where they go through every make and model sold in America and they rate it and they tell you if it's reliable. Yeah. And then they do use cars as well.

And like stuff like that. So then my dad would, every April he'd be like, Nicole is here. And then he'd like, give it to me. And then I'd like comb through it. And then I'd be like,

dad, did you know the Ford Mustang is not reliable? Oh my God. You're so sweet. Just very annoying. And then he would let me play a game in the car where he would point at a car and I would tell him the make and model. Oh, my gosh. And then he also liked to point out, because I guess he was like, all right, so she doesn't really like, she likes Barbies and stuff, but then she also likes cars.

She doesn't love sports, but she likes garbage trucks. So he would point out women doing non-traditional jobs. If he ever saw a female construction worker, he'd be like, Nicole, look. And I'd be like, yeah, Dad, I'll be a construction worker. Oh my God, that's so sweet. He used to do little things like that. Yeah, to try to bond, yeah. Then I got older, and he was like, things. Yeah. To try to bond. Yeah. Then I got older.

Then he was like, I don't understand any of your choices. Right. But I mean, it's not for him to understand. No. It's my life, dutty. Yeah. It's your life. It's who you are.

Yeah. Okay. So are you a, well, you're not dating anyone now, but like But, like, in high school and, like, growing up, were you always in relationships? No. I very much, like, lived in – I desperately wanted it. But I think also even, like, okay, in fourth grade I was, like – was the first time I, like, fell in love with someone in, you know, or fell into like deep heavy attachment. And then he changed his mind and liked another girl. And I tried to win him back like over and over and over again.

So I would like hold and I would repeat. I actually still repeat that pattern. Like if someone's into me and then they're not into me, I like wait or like try to like see if they'll come back i mean that's how i am i'm very persistent yeah like if you show me a flicker of hope yeah i'm like well it was there yeah i can make it happen again. But I just had an incident where I dropped someone I was working with. And that person has been so persistent in us working together again. It's bad.

That I was like, oh, this might be what I'm doing to these men. And that's like, it's not okay. It doesn't work. And it's not good. And I don't like it. So I guess maybe since I'm doing something that I don't like, I need to change how I approach men. Yes, absolutely. To me, it's like I've had to learn.

In my family, we never learned boundaries. You ever have boundaries? Maybe you did. I didn't't if you talk to marcy jiro she says i don't know what a boundary is yeah like i'm just learning like that was just not in my in my family and then with with yeah with a guy rejecting me like that's a boundary like they're not into it and i have to go yeah they're not into it like but it is like very hard to be like especially when you were dating someone and then they decide they don't like you.

And you're like, well, I need to figure out why. Which is honestly the premise of this podcast. Yes, I ran out of gentlemen rather early who would agree to be interviewed but like it is gratifying to like ask someone and then have them like blink at you and think about it and like spit out something kind of honest yeah yeah and like yeah so oh so back to being in having relationships like i i feel like I would just get these really intense, yeah, intense, intense crushes. And then just, like, live in my little world and, like, write poetry about them or write songs. Oh, my God. You wrote poetry about these men?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And love letters. Like, I'm still, like, not that long ago. Maybe, like, a couple years ago i i wrote a very intense love letter to someone oh my yeah i think i've written maybe two love letters in my life yeah one was in like i think middle school to this very tall man who is like so hot also i used to like hit on my teachers because i i guess i don't know what boundaries are but we had this little short substitute teacher

who i guess i was like i don't know he's shorter than me i can treat him however i want yeah which is like not okay how old was he do? Do you remember? In his 30s. That's what's wild too is that teachers were young. Like sometimes they were young and that's weird. Like if you were in high school and then like someone was in their 20s,

it's kind of weird. It is weird because then sometimes in high school you're dating like a 20-year-old kid in college or whatever. And then it's like this 20-year-old's teaching in this school. What was his name?

I cannot remember. Me and my friend went to the soccer game that he was coaching and he was like what are you doing here and i was like ah weird right don't show up to other places right because how do you know where he is you're not supposed to know that yeah but i like was in love with him and he was so tiny and then like at one point i think he was just like nicole you can't just like hang out in my classroom i was like but why he's like because it's not appropriate i'm like but why yeah and also i was like i think i just had so many hormones raging oh my god yeah Just like, because I know I'm, I think I have more testosterone. I think that's what I was told. Oh.

I don't know. I went to the gynecologist, and at one point they said something that led me to believe that I was a hermaphrodite. And then I went back, and she's like, that's not what I said. And I was like, mm, okay, okay. So, like, I leapt to a conclusion. And she was like, absolutely. Yeah. I think she just said I had more testosterone, so I'm more aggressive.

Yeah. I love just leaping to a conclusion. And then I sometimes will leap to conclusions about dating in general, like up late at night being like, huh, I guess the conclusion is I'm unlovable. That's it. That's what it is. I'm'm unlovable that's it that's what it is I'm an unlovable person and then I'll get very sad and then

I also have ADHD so like after like 10 minutes of that I'm like what was I thinking about um I guess I'll write a joke I don't know but what was it oh my gosh yeah it's been uh whenever I don't take my medicine I'm like oh you lived like this for so long wow yeah yeah it's hard I my the way my brain works is

very exhausting it's like the way I write jokes is not a it's not like a normal or not normal but it's not the easiest way to write a joke and it takes me so long to get a joke done it's not like a normal, or not normal, but it's not the easiest way to write a joke. And it takes me so long to get a joke done. It's everything I do, writing, making an outline, anything I have to do creatively takes so much longer because my brain just doesn't work the same way as everybody else's. Right.

It's exhausting. That sounds exhausting. Okay, Fiona. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. I ask all my guests except for Carl Tartt because I forgot. Would you date me? Yeah, of course I would.

Yes! Of course I would. The reason I know this is because I listen, again, I listen to your podcast, and any time you've brought up Will Hines, I'm jealous. I go, no, I could be her Will Hines. I love Will Hines. I know. And Will Hines will not love me back. I know.

But, like, okay. I'm not going to shit on Will Hines. But, no, I 100% would date you. No, I 100% would date you. My only fear would be that you are so bright and shiny and wonderful that I would disappear. Oh, no. Which is a thing I have to be careful about in relationships because I will become like a ghost. Like a little shadow where you fade away yeah i would but but i do think like you know i think uh we might we might actually balance each other out in a nice way um i i think

you would be like yeah let's let's get wild let's go party uh and and then sometimes i would be like let's stay let's stay in and read books and drink tea and So it might be nice, but I do, yeah, I would fear that I would be like a very low status person in our relationship. And that wouldn't have been your fault. But I would be like, I'll just let her shine brightly. Yeah, so I would have to watch that. I think we'd have fun together. I think we would have fun together. I do think I need someone to balance me out.

Yeah. Like when I first started doing improv, Gabrus was my improv crush. I would like watch him on stage and I'd be like, oh my God. He's great. If only I could wrap my lips around that dick. tiffany i say that with respect if you're listening his wife i was just like oh my god him but then like as i got to know him i was like we would have never worked yeah you're like two burning comments like we would just like we would it would be the loudest apartment yeah it would be the loudest situation

people be like they can't come here together yeah it's like but they're dating yeah so i think i need to find i need i think i need someone to yeah even me out but then also i don't know i'm very much at a place where like i don't know what i want i thought i did right i thought i wanted a relationship yeah but also like i don't want to I want I thought I did right I thought I wanted a relationship yeah but also like I don't want to do the work I'm gonna be in Montreal

next week and I have my period now so I was like I'm gonna fuck yeah yeah yeah and there'll be a lot of I think I just need that

I think I just need to fuck somebody yeah well maybe you will maybe like do Canadians go watch the festival are you going for the festival yeah yeah just for laughs yeah I mean I guess well maybe you will maybe like do Canadians go watch the festival are you going for the festival

yeah just for laughs yeah I mean I guess you could fuck a comedian or you could fuck someone going to the show oh there's no chuckle fuckers for ladies I know it's true right there's none or maybe you go to like a woodsy bar and it's not rural there

is it but like and then meet some like lumberjack I mean that would be ideal or a hockey player yeah I would love to meet a hockey player with like most of his teeth yeah he doesn't have a couple I'm okay with it

there's some that they have those good mouth guards do they I don't know they're cute they're cute hockey players there's such cute hockey players. And they have teeth. But I feel like hockey players can just like pick up whatever woman they want. I don't know. Okay.

I'll just tweet about it. I'll be like, I need to know. Yeah. I need to know where to go in Montreal. I'll tweet about it. Yeah. I need to know where the single man's is. Yeah.

And I need to go to there. Yes. And I have a friend going her boyfriend's not coming or no her boyfriend will be there so maybe they'll just hang out together and i'll just go out by myself yeah that's another thing i don't like to do i don't like to go out by myself i know it's weird yeah and then like you're like i'm the lady by myself and i have to like strike up a conversation with somebody and what if they're like hey you, you dumb lady by yourself, are you a loser? And then you're like in your head

and then you're like, but I'm not a loser. Do you ever go with like a girlfriend? Like, and we're like, we're going out tonight. Last time I tried to do that, me and Allison Rich Oh yeah, that's fun.

decided to go out. Yeah. I went to her house. We picked a bar. We drank like half a bottle of vodka. And then it turned like three hours later. We're like, I don't know why we're both single. Oh, yeah.

That's the hard part. And then we never made it out. Yeah. If you're hanging out with a cool woman, then sometimes you guys just go, let's just hang out with each other. Let's just talk. Let's just have a time here. Yeah, that's true. Okay.

Well, our time here has ended. Oh. Fiona, do you have anything you want to promote? You know, I would say Twitter, but it's so sad these days. But I will, I don't know, maybe my Instagram. Yes, tell them. Yeah, it's my name. It's Fiona Landers.

Fiona Landers, you'll get sometimes just a weird dance video, sometimes a photo, sometimes an earnest post. I don't know. I don't know. And if you're in Edinburgh by any chance, I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. But, you know, that's like who's going to Scotland. And then you do, how many shows do you do while you're there? So many. So many, yeah.

Do you do like 30 shows in a month? Yeah, something a month like that yeah it's a show a night yeah i feel like that festival is to make you or break you to be like do you really want to perform i know like do you absolutely want to do it yeah well so we'll see what happens i think you'll do great thank you so much for being here thank you so much okay if you like this episode my podcast. Thank you so much. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me and you're curious to know where my Tinder photos are, you can go to my Facebook page. It is Nicole Byer Comedy on Facebook. And they're posted there. And then if you like the podcast, go itunes subscribe rate it five stars if you hit on me or say something incredibly vulgar and nasty i will read it um this person's name is

sriracha mayo man and it says nicole i love you so much that i want to squirt my mayonnaise on your chocolate hamburger. Oh, no. Look it up. Mmm. Hamburger emoji squirt heart. How gross. He loves his mayo. And I love it. I'm very much here for it. Don't send me a dick pic. I don't need it.

Thank you. Toodaloo. this has been a team coco production