Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - You Need Therapy (w/ Nore Davis)

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Comedian Nore Davis talks with Nicole about the movies that have brought them joy, why he's decided to 'date himself', leaving a toxic relationship, and the importance of therapy. This Black History Month, research anti-racism resources and donate to Black Lives Matter at blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you left me out in the rain, I would stay there and say,

I deserved it. My guest today is a New York-based stand-up and an actor who's appeared on Comedy Central, MTV, has done conan his new is it new your live album trap house is it new yeah yeah live at the comedy trap house yep yep yes his new album live at the comedy trap house is available on spotify apple music and pandora it's nori davis gang gang gang gang gang hey what's up nicole oh i love your energy i love it thank you i have too much once a child asked me how do you have so much energy and are you okay at night and i didn't have a good answer you're no that is the perfect answer you are the definition of black

girl joy and i'm trying to do black boy joy so So that's what we need right now. I love it. I love that. I love black boy joy. I feel like black men are truly told to just be like stoic people who provide for their families. Yes. Yes. Straight like black madmen. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Yes. Just like in the barbershop smoking a cigarette and just telling our sons like stop crying boy shut the fuck up you know like can i curse on this i don't know of course you could say fuck yes you could say shit you could say ass monkey or i just wanted to make

sure do do ass pigeon i don't know you can say whatever whatever the fuck you want which is weird because i feel like i've never been in a situation where the podcast was like, hey, can you not curse? So I don't know what that was. I don't know. I don't know what that is. My subconscious is like, hey, calm down. Maybe for me personally. Well, I think it's because sneakily sometimes you'll be like talking and I'll be like, hey, do you mind turning it down?

I've had it happen to me and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. You don't want to hear about my pussy? Then why did you invite me here? Like what? Was it too many niggas? I can't want to hear about my pussy? Then why'd you invite me here? Like, what? Was it too many niggas? I can't say n-word no more? What? What's the problem?

I'm tired of censoring. Stop censoring me. I'm the black man. Nah. Yeah. So, yes, you're right. Too much censoring. So I'm all about black boy joy.

And I love your black girl joy energy. It's all good. Thank you. Yes. Have you seen Soul? Yes, I have seen Soul. Yes, I soul yes i've seen soul yes oh boy i fucking loved soul it made me so happy first it was black pixar people sure it was set in new york but you got to see black new york through the eyes of pixar i was so pleased and then i read this oh yeah i i now i was gonna say like i never heard donna rollin so calm

me either in his role out because i after that call a couple of my friends like which one was done though it was like it was the barber i was like that wasn't done now bro yeah i had to look it up too because i was like wait what he did such a nice job of course yes he's killed it but he's usually always screaming like what's up up, bitch? Rich bitch? Yeah, that's not new. But that character, man, he really did good on that. Yeah, I love that. It was a good one.

Yeah, it was good. It was so good. I read this insane article that was like, they liked it, but they didn't like that 22 was voiced by a white woman. And they were like, and then she was in a black man's body. And I was like, 22 is and then she was in a black man's body and i was like 22 was nothing it was it yeah it was just a segment it was a soul it it didn't have a race and then in the movie she literally says or not she they they literally say that they picked that voice because it was the most annoying and i was like oh boy this person really missed it

yes missed the whole thing and also probably i think it was like one of those i bet you was it a white writer was it a white writer i don't know i didn't i was so angry after reading it because i loved it so much that i was like okay trash so let's bust it down if it was a white writer i feel like they were trying to get ahead of the whole like look at me i found somebody not being right being politically correct i'm a hero praise me or if they were black it was just like they're still hurting from something and calm down it's not that serious you don't have to nitpick everything brother or sister it's a fucking pixar oh and then she was mad oh wait this might give it away never mind i won't say no i won't say i mean they have it's quarantine you have i think the

times to see movies in quarantine are like sped up like before in the real world it's quarantine you have i think the times to see movies in quarantine are like sped up like before in the real world it's just like all right no spoilers for like i guess a week but we're in quarantine you have a couple hours i'm gonna give a little sneak thing of soul if you don't like it skip ahead like 30 seconds yeah but the part where he gets the wrong black man and traumatizes him yeah they were mad about that but i was like oh i just it was i think a trope from life it was it happens in life a lot i don't know yeah it's people people just picking on shit because they just deal i think it's they're projecting you know i'm saying like that's all that is oh of course sylvia's love did you see that that's a great one not yet yo check that shit out okay i'll watch that i just watched 40 old version not virgin version oh yeah well um the rapper yeah yes the black and white film yeah rata blank

rather blank yeah that shit was fire right have you Have you seen it? Yeah, I saw it. My fucking God, I loved it. Yes. I was like, is this what white people feel like when they see Woody Allen movies? Hilarious. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, it was just- That's my New York. Yes, exactly.

I lived in Harlem. Like, every character in it, I was i was like oh i fucking know this person yes like all those kids in her class like would laugh at you on the train and you'd be like i'm not doing anything and then they're ready to fight immediately and she's like look i'm just a sub or like i'm just a music teacher guy she's like let's take it easy and then the producer in brooklyn yeah i have a cousin that's in brooklyn like they just have people coming in and out of this house i don't think now during covid i think he kind of chilled out but like yeah niggas just coming in and out and in the i got a mic and i press enter on the laptop go people just spitting on shit yeah just spitting

and fucking it was just so funny too like it was jokes that I was like like there's one where her knees keep cracking and like it's just a simple joke but like it's so well done and it wasn't overdone it was just like the perfect

and I was like let black people fucking do shit this is a beautiful film I feel like we're coming towards our, I don't know, we're coming towards our own 2021 Harlem Renaissance. We're starting to. That's why you'll love Sylvia's Love. It's a black love story, but also about love in general.

You know what I'm saying? The characters are not placed in a civil war. No niggas going to jail. Nobody getting shot. It's just people love each other. That can happen. We can love each other. You know what I'm saying?

Like we can do that, guys. Matter of fact, we've been doing that. We're all just not our trauma. And so and even with, yeah, the 40-year-old version where she's just like rapping and just trying to pursue in her career. Yeah, nobody getting shot. Nobody arrested. None of the kids got killed. It was great.

That's me. Every time I watch a black film, i have my fingers because i please don't make it kill please just please just go through life like how like we all normally do uh-huh yeah it would be nice if more black films were like that also have you seen p valley on stars yeah of course i've seen people yeah you've seen it all you truly have i've seen it all yeah i am a fucking nerd yeah i'm a i'm a tv nerd yo i grew up on tv so yeah p-valley is fire it don't get i told my boy like he watches it too when he's one of these like real toxic mass jamaican niggas so and he was just like yo that's just fine he loves it like it don't get no more progressive than p-Valley. Like, man.

The owner of the strip club is like fucking a rapper. And he is on the DL. It's so fucking dope and progressive. I fucks with it hard. It's so fucking good. What should I watch next? Okay, what you should watch next is Sylvia's Love.

Definitely get that in there. And that's it, Nicole. Just hang out for a little bit. Just chill out. Maybe go back to like a living single or something that you never like saw before. I did start watching Living Single. I only got halfway through the first season. Okay.

Maybe Girlfriends. Okay. I was thinking about that. I need to do Girlfriends for a little bit. living single i'm only on uh i only got halfway through the first season okay maybe girlfriends okay i was thinking about that i need to do girlfriends for a little bit i was watching a little bit of fresh prince did you watch the reunion oh of course i watched the reunion yeah oh boy i cried i cried too i didn't think i was gonna cry i heard niggas was crying i was like i ain't gonna cry and i was like damn fucking uncle phil got me man like uncle phil fucking got me and that scene where he's like why didn't he want me why he won't be why he didn't want me why yes and then james avery's like that's acting i was i lost yes yes i have like good it was a jarring moment where you're like oh my god will smith is like going for it he gonna he gonna get emmy he gonna go for it he gonna get the emmy he gonna do it i mean it's just so great to see how

like you know like we're comedians like you're a great improv actor and comedian also stand up and just to see how like thespians like um uncle phil was a fucking in the theater arts and then to see him in the sitcom it's like really nothing to him but for him to like push everybody on set like i love that like i think that's my dream to like have a tv show and just have a fucking thespian on set that's i want to do a movie with a thespian yeah yeah right just somebody that was like on broadway for years like no no that wasn't it you can do better and it's like yeah exactly i want like okay i want I want the overset light-skinned guy from Fences. Like him. Somebody from Fences.

One of those actors. I forgot his name. Just somebody from Fences. Somebody from Fences or from an Austin Wilson play. Yes, be in my show. And so you can just push everybody. But yeah, you're right.

It was so funny. It was. Yeah, I'll take Viola Davis being like, there's no snot coming out your nose. How do I know if you're actually crying? Where is the mucus? I'm going to need that mucus because you are not acting. Ain't no mucus on your face. There's no mucus.

When they say cut, there needs to be dribbles of mucus. Yes, you need a whole tissue, girl. P.A. needs to be the tissue, girl. Come on out. Oh, my God. So before, I know we already started, but I got to say, like, yo, I always fucking love your art and always loved your work. I've always been a fan since Doppler Ganger. Because people don't understand.

Like, I started comedy, like, 2007. So, like, my first years. And I think Doppler Ganger, like, y'all were, like, rocking, like 2007 so like my first years and i think doppelganger like y'all were like rocking like 2010 2011 2012 and i was ceo of the ucb because i'm like hell yeah three black women doing improv like fucking finally so i can stop watching these white kids you know saying white boys but yeah you keisha shashir like y'all fucking murdered it man i i'm always been a fan of Cole. And this is the only time I get to like sit down and talk to you and tell you that.

Like I worked with Keisha before on a project in New York. I think we did like a commercial. And Shashir, you know, she's always been doing New York. But like, so this is dope to like finally talk. Yeah. And I've gotten to see you perform by Gwyneth Shashir shows. Yeah. And you're just so fucking funny.

Thank you. team coco has been booking my guests for me and i saw your name and i was like oh what a day i was like i get to talk to someone who i think is so funny but like really haven't gotten to talk talk exactly so i was like this is gonna be fun yes and honestly finally it's been very fun yes Yes, it was. Yes, it has. I know it was. I know we was going to vibe out the gate because it's like we have to wait for the universe and our jobs to bring us together. You know, we busy. And then also when we're not busy, we just in our head.

Just being like, what should I be doing? Who am I? Like midway through 40-year-old version, I was like, I should be writing. Yeah, right. I have to do something. And then I finished it and I was like, should be writing yeah right I have to do something and then I finished it and I was like you're fine don't worry you're not gonna like create a masterpiece in the next 15 fucking

minutes and you know what if anybody's listening to this shit she was great in hair what's that the horror movie the hair horror movie bad hair bad hair that's I thought it was bad hair because I was like no that's a Chris Rock like no bad hair yes I just want to say I've been an advocate that's been defending that movie and it's very fucking good you kill it and I like it was bad hair because I was like, no, that's a Chris Rock. Like, no, bad hair. Yes. I just want to say I've been an advocate that's been defending that movie and it's very fucking good.

You kill it. I like it. And I love it. I'll tell you why I love it. Like, black people, whoever goes against it need to know this is a, we need a movie that's like a horror film, like scary movie or like even more darker than that. Like, this is our Tim Burton. Like, I feel like.

Yes, it was camp. It was like, did you not miss the campiness of this? They missed burton like i feel like yes it was camp it was like did you not miss the campiness of this they missed all of that and i saw it was so fun we finally have that type of movie that's just like it's a parody but it's also like horror but it's also funny but it's also serious like it's scary as fuck and i think we're a lot of black women on my side didn't like because i feel like they are still very sensitive about their hair you know i'm saying like how society has like portrayed the kim kardashians the perfect flowing hair where like they don't even have representation of black women with their hair you know i'm saying like they always have to braid it blah blah blah and not blah blah blah but

like that's a serious notion where like a lot of black women still suffer from and it still hurts and i get it so when you have like a movie about weave it's just like nah but but i feel like that gives you like some type of comedic relief of like happened a weave was like possessed and it was just killing niggas and drinking blood like i'm like like she's fucking somebody and her weave kills them like when the weave went to during her menstrual cycle i was like that is fucking that made me laugh so hilarious and then justin the director doesn't let me he let me improvise a bunch that's like there's a line i say where i'm walking off screen and he kept it in yes i'm fully off screen and just kept talking i love that yes yeah i i like when directors are like all right go ahead you you do

one go ahead do one yeah it was very fun like we would do one take just like normally and then you be like i don't know whatever whatever you want to do and i was like we have time like lunch doesn't start until like an hour go ahead yeah go ahead we're not gonna do another setup good yeah it's i've been so lucky that people have let me do that good um and then like lately they've been using it like in the beginning it was just like she's funny it's a very tiny part let her improvise like i did a very bit part on 30 rock uh years and years and years ago it was like the tag of an episode which is 30 seconds yeah said my line we got through it like by the second take it was like

well that's we have it we're not gonna like use anything else but beth mccarthy miller was a director and she was like do you want to improvise a bit and i was like yeah sure it was my very first job and i was like this is crazy i get to improvise in front of tina fey and then she like they like let me do it and then the crew was like you're funny i was like i am funny you're fucking hilarious yes an experience people get to have often so i've been like really really blessed but you know what like i know you're gonna do this i know like that's why we like we have to create our own so like we know what we can do instead of like we do feel humbled and happy but it's, those old motherfuckers like

been there and they not leaving. You know what I'm saying? So the fact that fucking Nicole Barr gotta be like, all right, thank you for letting me improv. It's like, nah, nigga, let that, let her fucking fly, bro. Like you won't know the goal you about to get. And vice versa. I feel like that for me too.

So it was just like, it's, it's like, we, we, we going to create our own shit. Watch. And then you're going to be able to do what you want. And I think that's all coming up. 2021, 2022. Because we have to. Because I'm telling you, man. Them old niggas ain't leaving. Like whoever's operating that camera, like he is like 79.

All he got to do is take the lenses out, replace a 60 millimeter with the 30, and then go back and sit down. Like he's like, I'm not giving this up. up i got a union job you know what i'm saying so yeah you're gonna uh you're gonna kill it and be able to fly much more on roads because like even the unicorn i saw you in i'm interviewing you now hello welcome to norway davis's pocket thank you give her all the flowers now i just want to give you the flowers that's all now. Now, yeah, the unicorn is fine. Did they let you improv on that a little bit? Or you just like did your thing and got out of there? So I did like the second episode.

And that was like, we're going to improvise to figure out what the tone of the show is. And this, that, and the other. And then I did a later episode where it was much tighter. And I think it's because people wanted to go home. Nicole, hit the lines. Did you get the lines? Okay, thank you. Did you get them?

Okay, but also I have a bad habit now of the first time I do it will be the only time I do it scripted. Oh, shit. And then the second, you have to tell me to go back to the scripted because I will figure out other weird fun things to do and then you'll just be like can you like black lady sketch show i did this thing where

oh yeah i like had to turn around in a chair and i kept tippity tapping my feet and then the most insane if you rewatch it it's like oh she is turning in a strange way and dime finally went is this a choice like what is happening i was like it is a choice do you want me to just turn normal she was like i would love it okay i was doing um i was on secessions season two but they had me as like i was doing stand-up i was like roasting the family and doing improv and like a lot of the jokes are within the writer so like i would come on stage and i would start going at the audience which within the writer so like i would come on stage and i would start going at the audience which are background actors and then i would fit lines and then the guy would

go cut like all right man that's that's all funny can you get to the jokes like get to the jokes about the storyline because that's what we need i'm like oh yeah you right i'm sorry i got bored with that and i just want to talk about this motherfucker wearing a vest from Best Man. Like, or from. That is so funny. They're like, wait a minute. This is hilarious. But like, we need the story to move. I think, was it Yasser who was talking about that?

That they, I think it was Yasser who was like, I love seeing Nori in Secession. Just like doing comedy for rich people yeah like he wasn't getting shot like he wasn't dealing drugs he was like just a black man just doing comedy for white people yo real talk i mean i have i'm not bragging i just but i did turn down like one role where it was like a goofy civil rights i was in the it was in the the 1840s and about to go to war some shit and slavery and i was like a goofy guy within the group and i was like no i'm good man it's just like i don't think that's bragging i think that's like nice that you have the fortitude to be like i don't want to do i don't want to do that i'm tired of that shit man and even like you ever read something you

see the lines like yeah i don't want to see this on my imdb which is up to you like no man y'all did he say his name like that like and like that's the line yeah i'm like yeah no yeah i'm good had a mcdonald's commercial i probably talked about this on the podcast but it was years and years and years and years and years ago where in the audition they were like just like you know turn up turn up the street a little bit so like it annoyed me so i said the line like and they were like perfect you booked it and i was like wait no no no i don't want to do it and then we then i had to do it oh my god there was this uh this thing that didn't air for another thing whereas a joke i like turned it so up that it was ridiculous and they were like

yes we love this and then i had to do i think three days of voiceovers in this like like weird like yeah quote unquote like hood voice but then i was like there are black people so many who sound like me like it's not a monolithic experience no like we all sound so different like all my cousins and stuff who live in chicago sound like they're from mississippi because a lot of black people in chicago are from mississippi so it's just like you just i don't know people are like oh i'm from chicago and i'm like yeah not the black part because you don't sound like you're from the south yes exactly it's like we have different ranges of voices like yeah they just have like the rapper image in their head and how we're supposed to yeah i had the same thing like i just i did a voting campaign and it was an asian

director the woman and she's like yeah just be uh, just be more sassy. Turn it up. And I deliberately that turned me off. I was just like, I think the most sassy I said was, I see you doing that sis because it was a black woman dancing. So I was like, I gave her that. But then she was like, for everybody else, come on, do more phrases like that. I was like,

no, I'm not going to do that to a white girl crumping towards the mailbox. I see you, sis. We in the same struggle. My light-skinned snow angel. Yes. Yes. We shall overcome.

My fairy princess who is white. My white queen. Oh, God, no. Yeah, I can't. I can't. But I wanted to say to you, I love how we're on set. I love the improv. Do you do this, too?

You do it once and then you get bored of it and you're like, I got to find something else. I want to do something else. And then that's when the director's like, okay, bring it back. And then you get to a bigger set. You get the line producers who are like, the word is trigger. I'm like, what, I can't put an A on it? It's a trigger. I'm like, what, I can't put an A on it?

It's a trigger. That's honestly one of the, I had one job where like, I, the line was, it is a door. And I kept saying, it's a door. And they're like, a door. And I was like, a door, a door. And then they're like, a door. And I was like, a door. And then I finally said, I was like, I will go to sleep and have nightmares about this one line. then everyone's like a door and i was like okay i'll say it oh boy we're serious it gets

to the point like what fire are you like no no okay yeah do you want to come back here yeah yes i do please don't replace i am always worried about getting replaced i don't think it's it's i don't think it's ever happened no it's happened once uh but like i get like unreasonable i'm like maybe i did a bad job and they're gonna be like don't come back tomorrow and i'll just spend the extra money and they'll reshoot the first day damn that anxiety is real like when i first when i was doing like i think boardwalk empire i did that I did that. It had a cool couple lines. And I learned then, oh shit, if I'm not on my shit, then everything halts. And the production was, that's the only time I learned, check the gate.

Because I remember the DP just wanted to be done with the scene. She just kept screaming, check the gate. All right, let's go. So that was before my scene. So I was just like, all right let's go so that was before my seat so i was just like all right let me make sure i'm on my shit so i'm not the person that's holding everything up and ever since then i learned like all right let me not be that part where they're like all right you're fucking it up so we know not to bring you back and then that's it so yeah i do have that anxiety a little bit i relate uh i always like really learn my lines like over learn them sometimes and then in the trailer

i just like say them over and over and over again and i've worked with some uh fairer skin companions who will come to set and not know a single line and like during the run through they're like oh wait what's that yeah what's this and then like the first take is like a step, like all of the wides, except for the last one are like essentially a rehearsal. And like when you get into coverage, yeah, they know the scene because they've said it now 10 times. But I'm like, we could have not done 10 takes of this wide.

We could have done two. Yes. If you had just come prepared and people don't say anything and then you see them get another job and you're like but they were so poorly behaved on that last thing i worked with them on yeah it's i feel insane sometimes you're like doing the work but you got it we have um so i was in my head while you were saying that like should i i won't say the person's name i'm gonna just keep it pc but like i remember

how this person would just be on set didn't know anything and like the line producer is just feeding the lines and it's okay and feeding the line by line and then he would do it and then that was it and i'm like what the fuck like that's really and and you know and but also you gotta say like he was a huge part of the show. So, like, I guess it does. Maybe he did have that. So now I told you his gender. All right. So I guess he did have that aspect of, like, yeah, like, I can do whatever the fuck I want, you know.

But I never wanted to be, like, that person who's just, like, on set. Like, what is it? Matter of fact, what is the plot? I don't know. Where am I i who are you who am i talking to you okay where do you want me here all right now what's the line we are going to the store we're going to the store we're going to why are we going to the store why it's like here's the line i think it's Marlon Brando who he's he did.

I think he did. Oh, yeah. Marlon did. Marlon's definitely did. But before he was dead, I believe they used to tape his lines on people and he would just read his line. I think I read that. I could be lying.

And I'm 100 percent sure the people listening will let me know if I'm wrong. Yo, you got the type of follower they're gonna tweet at you like you were wrong sometimes it would take to the back of his neck really like to to go in and tell me things so like i did so from like the from may or like march-ish of 2020 no not march maybe may yeah may may to december i only had people of color on the podcast and i said on roy's roydwood juniors episode i was like i've only had i think i just said black people not people of color i was like i only have black people on the podcast and nobody noticed and i don't know oh why i threw a fit or why i i think i was just trying to

be like did you notice what i did yeah right i think that's what i was trying to say but i like said it had then like people been like i noticed and i'm like i don't think that's what i wanted i don't know why i said it you was flexing on them i think maybe that's what it was i was like i did this thing and i'm really proud of myself i set out to do this goal that i didn't tell anybody that's right reach out to these black actors and these comedians and you know yeah we have to uplift each other all right yeah go ahead yeah and uh i'm having my white friend on an episode and someone was like oh so new year now we're having white people back and i was like yes because uh some of my friends are unfortunately white and people really didn't like the term unfortunately white.

Hilarious. How do you not understand that I'm kidding? Yeah. It's fully a joke. I'm a whole joke. What I do is joking. Yes. Everything is a joke.

Yeah. Not one time have I ever been like, I am dead ass about this. Yeah. Because I'm not dead ass about anything. Not a goddamn thing. Wow. Unfortunately, I have white friends. You friends you know what fans it is unfortunate but we deal with it and we still fucking love them yeah we love them unfortunately i love my white friends and then this one dude was

like what if it was reversed and i was like oh my god do i really have to say it it's been reversed that's always it's been it's been reversed people have absolutely said out loud well unfortunately my friend is black over here in like a very dead ass way and that black person's like one day this will be over don't yeah one day yeah one day it's all gonna be done yeah don't fight don't don't fall for the gaslight yeah they always try to gaslight us when they do that like oh man happens it was reversed man delete this you ain't gonna have me go down that goddamn hole because it's not reversed it never will be yeah it's you're gonna give it all back white man you're gonna give it back i want to see you give all of it back you're gonna

give up your house to a poor family on the street no no shut the fuck up right yeah well nori real quick we have to take a break. Okay. Okay. And we're back. Here's a question. I love this. Are you single, dating, married, not looking and you're mad about it, not looking and you're happy about it, not looking and you're sad about it? Tell me your relationship status and your emotion about it. Okay.

My status is I am date. I am. Okay. All right. Yeah, it's hard to explain now. Okay. I know it is. This sounds all bad. Wow.

This sounds bad now. All right. Could I pause? all right yeah it's hard to explain now okay i know it is this sounds all bad wow this sounds bad though all right could i pause um i am dating myself because i came out of a relationship that was fucking bad and and i'm at that point where like you know it's not good when you're like yeah i'm just dating myself because i need to figure out why i keep attracting people that are just not for me and so I'm on like second ex-fiance second ex-fiance this is the second one like so my jeweler he loves me but I'm not doing this I'm not doing this no more they say third's a charm but until then I'm gonna like just chill so I'm yeah I'm dating myself I'm not out there pursuing anybody I'm not on any dating apps i mean i think my profile's up but i have a different name my name's like brad or kyle some shit like if you know me you're like that's not fucking kyle that's not

that's nori for sure that's so funny i've got a different name of kyle yeah kyle hey kyle hi hey what's up i'm kyle yeah right straight pun intended my doppler ganger and uh yeah so i am dating myself and that's it how long have you been dating yourself i've been dating myself for six months now six months yeah six yeah cause the breakup was May like May 18th got out of there it was a toxic relationship yeah I know the fucking date yeah it went down

girl it went down I had like a toxic relationship you gotta escape you don't walk away you gotta escape like the type of shit where you like hey yeah everything's gonna be fine Everybody's gonna be good And then you just Ghost

You're just not there anymore You gotta Harriet Tubman To freedom You gotta Basically In the middle of the night Take the Underground Railroad And leave that relationship

I just Instead of kids I told my Jordans Pack your things We going We leaving Pack your things, Jordans. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Don't talk. Don't talk. What about mommy? Be quiet about her. She's fine.

Don't worry about her. We got to go. Come on, Jordans. Get the tissue. Put it in your mouth. Let's go. Put the tissue and put it in your mouth. Yeah, Nicole.

It was bad. It was bad. So I'm happy to get out of that. It was a very toxic relationship. Manipulation, emotional abuse, stuff like that. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, and I'm just wondering why I allowed that type of behavior. And then I went to therapy.

I was just going to ask if you were in therapy, because I think therapy is essential especially for black people but just for people i feel like the government like you get a social security number and then you get a little card that goes you bring that to your therapist you get therapy when you need it like i think everybody should receive 10 free sessions by the government yo uh-huh that's fucking No, I'm like so pro-therapy. Like, I've been talking about that in my stand-up lately. Like, yo, everybody need to go there because like, and they don't really promote it to

us because they want to keep us hurt. You know, they want to keep us be able to be manipulated and just taken away to the cops or to the army, whatever. So, I'm like, and I used to be one of those dudes, too, that's like, I don't need no fucking therapy. I'm good. I just do push-ups. And it never worked., that's like, I don't need no fucking therapy. I'm good. I just do pushups. And it never worked, the pushups.

I was still crying. But whatever. I did it now. And it's great. I love it. I'm so pro-therapy. Everybody out there, anybody black, please go get it. And even if you think you don't, you fucking do need it, nigga.

You do need it. You do need it. Honestly, even if you're not black, you need it. You got to go. And I think a lot of people think that uh it's for rich people and you know a lot of everything is technically for rich people but there's sliding scale therapy there's uh therapy apps uh and then i mean and then also with like legit like a therapist that you go see in person you take that with a grain of salt as well you have to like date around till you find the therapist it's work it's work to find somebody to help you live a little bit better

yes and i think within like the black community doesn't they don't know all those aspects like it's easy to get it's just just like inquiring somebody like to get a barber you know i'm saying like you're looking for a new barber same thing like you're looking for new therapists it's the same type of work like you you talk to ask ask a friend like, yo, who you think is good? Who you think is good? Like a friend gave me mine and she's been great. And I just been promoting her like therapyforblackman.com and she's great. And like even if you ain't got no money, she'll still take you and like listen.

So yeah, it's been good. And then also if you have insurance, some insurance covers it. You just have to like, like if you have have a ppo i just learned about insurance if you have a ppo i think you have to see who's like in your network and then if you have an hmo i think you could see whoever and then sometimes you have to do like reimbursing payments it's very insurance is very confusing and i'm like all the fucking confusing yes i pay for it before i use it i pay a co-pay and then i pay a deductible yeah what the fuck yes it's always a lot of payment to not have to pay well of course but welcome to america the the land of the scams baby the land of like

scam like you have to pay we're not paying for this it's crazy yeah paying for just if it happens and then when you become too expensive they just stop paying yeah like they'll just your doctors just can't approve things because your insurance won't pay for it yeah it's like wait wait we're not making a profit fuck out of here i read this article about a lady who had cancer and then like towards the end of her life they stopped approving her treatments because like she was literally too expensive to keep alive yeah because they weren't yeah they weren't making any more money on her because she needed constant i was like this is truly nuts yeah also didn't double check the validity of the article

so i might be spreading fake news and false information so like if you would like to do your due diligence please do go do it go do it fans yeah this is just a podcast we just having fun there's no facts here just talking about things we read and things we watch so i joined a dating app for fat women uh wait what there's a fat woman dating app no there's well i have two one is called woo plus and one is called buster and i couldn't figure out how to get buster to work but i'm on woo plus One is called Woo Plus and one is called Buster. Oh, shit. And I couldn't figure out how to get Buster to work, but I'm on Woo Plus. Was it too tech savvy or was it like furry beta? No, it was just like I have to.

It might have been. I like figured out the Woo Plus logged in and then I was like, I have to do this again. Yeah. I don't know how to do this. I'm good with that. So I couldn't figure out if it was prompts or people were actually writing these things so this man his name is mexican beast i think i can say his name because that's not his government name i refuse to believe that's on a

birth certificate no it's not at all but under there's like one of the prompts is things i will never do and he wrote turn gay jump off a plane go to jail betray my partner steal and turn gay is one huh yeah that's number one and then jumping off a plane i'll do that a second well i won't do that off a plane i was like did when on takeoff was he outside the plane. I was like, did when on takeoff, was he outside the plane? Because usually you jump out of a plane. Exactly. You jump out of a plane. So it was just like, are you on the wing while it's lifting off? Yeah.

Like, what do you mean by that? Yeah, he's an idiot. Go ahead. And then more stories about me. He said, I'm very easygoing, funny with no drama, looking to meet an easygoing, drama-free hot mama and i was like oh boy this man has been through the drama i guess yes he has he needs to date himself like me i think so i think he needs to date himself he's just hot right but yeah a hot mama yeah he's

looking for a mother looking for a mama right just looking for a mommy and this is for like plus size women app right it's specifically for plus size women uh because i was like maybe that's where i need to go i need to find somebody who's like fetishizing it or looking for it and i have no problem being a fetish a fetish i have no like if you want to fucking come in my roles i don't care like i think men really can't handle how outspoken and how bold you are i think that's i think and i don't think you need to turn that down i think that guy is out there but i think that's niggas niggas is just like that's fucking hilarious like that's what i really wish people could have seen your face crack like it was a full like oh no i was like yo that's hilarious oh man my roles

really made me laugh honestly i think that's why i say the things i say because they come to my my head very easily but I really love people's reaction to them I have a joke in my special where I talk about fisting or like I can't even remember the like how the joke goes because I don't tell it anymore but it's like I'm so fat that like I think I'm like fingering, but I'm actually fingering my role and like, it gets stuck in there. And then I do an act out. Is that the one,

the Netflix one, right? Is that the Netflix one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that.

That's fire. Yeah. It's funny. And like the first time I told it, this man in the front row went, come on. And I like stopped mid joke, threw my head back and laughed.

And I was like, you come on. I love this. I love that. That's your reaction. I'll tell this joke forever. Yeah. I'm stop this is why i never stop come in my roles that's your next guy gotta be your next special come in my roles or come in my roles please this other man on woo plus he said he's not okay if his partner use drugs cheat lie fight

and things he'll never do is commit suicide skydive cheat lie and i was wait and i got to the point where i was like are these prompts like why is everyone like cheat lie drugs commit suicide and i was like no these people are writing it of their own volition yes it's just an empty space and they're like complete sentences are not for me that idea definitely not for guys no no no we're we're like i like you man woman eat drink how can i get to pussy what how many words do I need to say that pussy for me yum yum yum I want you hot mama you hot mama I want yum yum yum

come and roll is that too much and you're like he gets me he gets me yes I would love it if someone's profile said that I would immediately be like I have to meet you COVID be damned we will meet okay uh this other man maurice i just was like screenshotting on the app things i'll never do drugs suicide summon entities summon entities this is a real thing that this man wrote

summon entities yes and i was like wow has somebody summoned an entity near him also what does that mean to you i have no idea i'm literally like trying to like google it like summon entities like like a spirit like summon something like Google it. Like summon entities, like a spirit, like summon something. Like if you want to summon a spirit of sex, of God or death, I will allow you to summon that motherfucker on me. Yeah, I think that's what he means. And I'm like, I'm glad you're getting that out of the way. Although I don't think that would ever come up in a conversation.

Like, hey, babe. Yeah, right. Have you ever summoned an entity? i don't think that would ever come up in a conversation exactly like hey babe yeah right have you like yeah ever summoned an entity i'm so happy you asked yes could i summon one on your chest it's just like it's a butter knife it's not gonna really scar but it's gonna like be it's gonna hurt a little bit but i just have to do like the star and the circle and then it comes so is that i have more i have so many of these these people are fucking weirdos on this so wait do they do they you have to swipe on them do you have to pick like how does it work um they can just send you messages like people i think if you pay enough oh kind of like hitch like hitch i think so no hinge not hitch that's a movie sorry

oh yeah i was i was there with you. I was like, just like Hitch. But yeah, Hinge. What Will Smith said. Yes, Will Smith comes. Eva Mendes, you know, she comes too. And they set you up with somebody. And they flare up. And then, yep, you know you got the pick.

But yeah, it's just, you can just, I think you just message people. And then maybe you can like talk about their prompts but i'm like why would i ever like this man said things i'll never do become lazy eat mushrooms do porn cheat and then he said i'm not okay if my partner is on heroin lol and i was like i mean what a cheery way to say that yeah right uh i don't need you on heroin i mean does he have women on there before it's like fucking i got duped again are you shooting up in my car not more heroin not another heroin girl why do i keep attracting these women i don't know i have yet to talk to anybody on it a couple gentlemen have messaged

me but it's just like a hello yeah and i'm just like if you can't write more than hello i don't know what to tell you all right so then help me because i i am the guy that's like hey how i'll match with someone i was like hey how are you like small talk and then from small talk i don't know where to go from there because i feel like a lot of women are on it because they get to show their picture. And they get guaranteed somebody looking at their fucking picture. So I don't know if people are actually dating.

I don't know. I mean, I've been on like a lot of dates from dating apps. I've been on like a lot of dates from dating apps. I like when people comment something like, I guess witty about my profile. Like I have a picture with Guy Fieri. So it's like if you, and it's like a Photoshop picture of me and Guy Fieri at his like Hollywood star getting or whatever,

uh, his walk of fame star. So like, uh, the last year I went out with was just like i love guy fieri this that and the other and i was like oh yay me too and then like then it like came into like a nice conversation i was like oh all right then he was like when am i taking you out for uh for coffee or something or a drink and i was like a drink and this time

and then we did it for a little bit and then he said, goodbye. Oh, no. I don't want to see you no more. Goodbye. Are you sure? You picked the wrong type of coffee for me. I wanted a coffee. I don't like that coffee. Goodbye.

Anyway, it was just one date and then gone? No, we dated for like two or three months i think three months and when we like stopped talking i was like huh i'm the most interesting person you know yeah i feel like every time a man is like i don't want to talk to you anymore i'm like huh you stuck around this long like more than a month of this you should be trying to like lock this down i mean i'm fun so i dated i mean i'm dating myself now but i was on the app for i was on hinge hinge and i dated a girl and i feel like i only match with a girl because they know who i was like she was like oh i know who you are you're my favorite comedian and then it's like oh okay all right then i just

start the conversation then we date and stuff and then after that it oh okay all right then i just start the conversation then we date and stuff and then after that it's just been cold like i feel like i'm not ladies types on there so i don't have any facial hair i don't have any facial hair and i need to maybe say more words when i answer a question maybe i don't know what it is but yeah i feel like if they know me then i'm in there like i like i can generate a conversation and they're interested. But other than that. Was she a chuckle fucker? Was she only in it because you were you?

She was Asian. She was Asian. No, a chuckle fucker. Was she in it because like you're funny? Do you know what a chuckle fucker is? No, I do not. I do not. Okay, so a chuckle fucker is somebody who will fuck any comedian.

Regardless of what they look like. They're just like, tee hee hee. I must suck that dick. Probably. Yummy. I guess that was it. Yeah, I guess that was a chuckle fucker. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. I feel like men get that a little bit more. Like, do you hook up with girls after shows? No, i haven't done that in a while no like i i'm really more about finding somebody with emotional attachment and i can talk to and because like i feel like i'm a character up there but that is not who i am like inside the house like you get me who i really am i'm not even like nori davis right now i just feel like i'm just talking to the homie nicole you know i mean so

no i do not really like perform i'm i'm deep and dark and wanting to be by myself like i go right back to the hotel room i have my leftover subway sandwich i eat it and i'm watching i don't know i'm streaming something i've become like that on the road too where i'm like i don't i don't need to go out yeah i can go right back to that nice bed. The bed is nice. Snuggle right up and watch TV and eat a lasagna. Don't even get to make my bed and just have towels all over the place. I love it.

Do you let like cleaning people in your room while you're there for like three days? Hell no. Me either. No. I love it. Towels are literally everywhere. And then when I leave, I kind of like push towels are literally everywhere and then when i leave i kind of like push them in a corner and then put the tip on top and i'm like i'm sorry that

i didn't let you in i'm sorry i was a hoarder i was just like being a mountain mouse a person here has a squirrel in your room but yeah here's a here's 20 dollars i'm sorry lady um i had to work in santa clarita two ago. I don't know. But I like dislocated my ankle so I couldn't go up and down my stairs. So I was like, I'll just stay in a hotel. And I didn't let them in for the week. And then, I don't know, five days in, I was like, I went

to the front desk. I said, can I have more towels and toilet paper? And the man was like, well, if you would let them in, they would give it to you. Oh, shit. Oh, I don't want to. He repeated himself. And I was like oh i don't i don't want to he's like if he repeated himself and i was like why do they need to get in there what what do you guys want why do they want in my room so bad and then he delivers the stuff to my room and then repeat he said it again he was like tomorrow switch the thing on your door so they can come in

i was like well i'm definitely not gonna do that i don't i got my goods and valuables in here are you trying to get to them and my goods and valuables i mean in one old computer and maybe a ring fam like there's nothing good or valuable in this room fucking Now you're a fucking Gandalf stand your ground. That shall not pass. I get that joke because I just watched it. Oh, really? Okay, dope. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. I love shit like that. Wait, do you actually, you love Lord of the Rings? I don't love it, but I watched it. I liked it. I don't love it.

I think it's dope. I think it's great. Yeah, I watch everything. Even shit that's bad. I watch everything. But yeah, I don't really date like that. I want to find a boo that can just like, she gets what I'm doing,

but I'm always attracted to the ones that have to control me because of therapy. My mother was like that. It's very interesting that we all have parental issues. I have like daddy issues where I try to make men like me. Now that my dad didn't like me, he just didn't understand me. So I spent a lot of time being like, Papa, what about this? He'd be like, no, I don't get that.

I don't understand that. But like towards the end of his life, he did start to understand me. I was like, I'm going to be an actress. And then he was like, okay, she's not going to continue with school or get a degree or do anything I came from Barbados to do and set her up beautifully to do. She's not going to do any of that shit. Oh, you're Caribbean? I didn't know. Oh, yes.

I'd be from the island. I thought you was black, black. Never been. Like me, just black, black. Well, my mom is black. Oh, yes. I've been from the island. Okay. I thought you was black, black. Never been. Like me, just black, black. Okay, cool. My mom is black, black, black. Okay. And then my dad is.

Barbados. Is a West Indian. West Indian, nice. And my aunt once said, you know, because we're West Indian. And then I thought, or no, she said, because we're Indian. And I thought I was Native American for about a good six, seven years. That's hilarious. And I wore blue contacts. And people be like, is that real? And I'd be, because we're Indian. And I thought I was Native American for about a good six, seven years. That's hilarious. And I wore blue contacts.

And people would be like, is that real? And I'd be like, I'm Indian. No, you didn't. As they slid around my fucking eyes. I'm not. Hold on. Let me just get this real quick. Let me get this.

Ooh. And then finally, my aunt was like, West Indian. And I was like, oof, I've been lying for six years. Oopsies. Oh, God. Yeah, hopefully I can heal. So, yeah, I'm the mommy issues of like I'm attracted to a woman that please control me in a way that I don't want to be controlled. And then I rebel by dumping you and never talking to you again.

It's that fucking trash shit. Yeah, no, I chase men. I go, excuse me, you said with your own mouth that you were not looking to commit to somebody, but I heard looking and I'm here. Here I am. Oh, it's so, and then when you, like when I think about how like thirsty I am sometimes, I'll be like, oh my my god if someone ever texted me the

things i've texted people i would be like you fucking weirdo yeah like we stopped talking and you're texting me out of nowhere four months later being like hey just thinking about why the fuck are you thinking about me oh boy do you text like paragraphs not paragraphs or you just do like little blurts i feel like you're a paragraph girl sometimes but lately it's been like blurts like hey uh just like you know thinking about you uh what's up what's going on but now i've really doing some self-care as soon as i stop talking to the dude i delete his number because what a beautiful treat it is to get a text and then go who is this and then it's that dude who wasn't talking to you and then i mean it probably does nothing to their

ego for me to go who are you yeah for me it feels really nice so do you like that you like to date your exes like i'm i'm i'm mr like i move forward i never go back i never was like friends with my exes i don't even think I can do that. I think that might be something I need to talk about in therapy. But yeah, I don't go back ever. I'm like, well, you did me wrong. We're enemies forever. So dark.

I mean, I think I'm a very forgiving person until you've done enough that I'm like, oh, I can't have you in my life. Yeah. You've hurt my feelings too many times. But my most successful relationship wasn't even a real relationship. It was just like hooking up with this guy where like each time we hooked up, it would become closer to like being an actual relationship. And then we like decided we were an actual relationship and that lasted for a very short time so i guess in my brain i'm like well if they say no there is

a chance that like it could be good again and i'll just like hold on to that little hope as opposed to being like bitch move the fuck on like yeah stop it yeah you don't need to be there and i'm trying i'm trying real hard i know you're doing it i get that uh it's just hard it is it's very hard why won't they date me bam brought to you by stitcher would you date me i would not date you i have i was thinking about this. I was like, I bet you she's going to ask me, but I date her. And I know, I have dated oversized women before, but I'm traumatized still because I remember I dated an oversized woman after college and I loved her. She was dope. Everything was cool.

We was vibing, whatever. And then I remember dudes was just like yo how you and um uh you and your your relationship look like James and the giant peach I was like fuck fuck bro fuck like like it's funny people are gonna be so mad that I laughed at that but that's really funny that is like a really great roast yo it was yes that's why i'm just like it was great but i was just like i i'm still not over it i'm just like not over it and i and i and i still love i don't discriminate against size i love big women but that thing just really like i like either i gotta get fat so we're equal or i i have to get bigger or i just like i don't know i think i think yeah so i have a i have a problem so that's me that's me

fair um and I know if I don't have some sort of response against it people will get very mad at me so I'll say because I I think it's just like whatever you're like whatever yeah whatever your reasoning is whatever uh but I will say like sometimes in some people's lives they have to constantly defend their partner yeah and it's like do you want to do that and dating a fatter person sometimes that's what it comes down to like there's this really wonderful play called fat pig by neil abute who i believe was canceled i think he did something bad i don't remember but like I really like the play and it's just about this like very classically attractive man dating a heavier woman and he like really

liked her but he like really couldn't just take the pressure of the way his like co-workers were acting about it and it was just like and it like graded on him and I won't tell you how it ends alright I'm gonna look it up I'm gonna watch that but like it's a play that I like. And I,

and I, when I read it, I was like, Oh, it is just like an extra layer of baggage to a relationship. Almost like an interracial relationship might be extra baggage to like your family or like dating someone like not from the right area might make your mother angry.

And then you have to defend that relationship. So like, I think that's like a thing that's okay to say out loud i don't want to defend my relationship i just want to i want this to be easy yeah i think it's anybody's opinion is good as long as it's like it comes from an actual genuine place and my genuine place is trauma and but it doesn't say i have anything against big girls like i think you're beautiful i would love thank you like i mean please yes i would have sex with you in a heartbeat but would i like have like hold hands and be in a relationship no because of that trauma that i need to personally work on or maybe i don't who knows that's for me to decide but i gotta say i love big girls i love black women period you know i'm saying i love all women you period. You know what I'm saying? I love all women. You know what I mean?

So it's just like, yeah. But that James and the Giant Plain Peach. And I can't get the image of like, yeah, the girl on her side and I'm on top just running my little legs while she's rolling down a hill. Like that right there. Just like, I'm like fucking that. It was one of my white homies too, man. That was a good one. That was a good one. And I homies too man that was a good one that was a good one

and i didn't dump her because of that i just never like i i just like just stopped talking to her and that was it like we were just fucking around we weren't like dating because i was thinking about it but once he said that i was like god damn damn yeah yeah so that's yeah i mean i it truly it brings me joy uh but not like in a fucked up way in a way where like i'm a person who's like i know i'm an anomaly like i truly if someone said look at james and his giant peach or whatever and i was wearing orange i'd be like oh good eye like the shit doesn't bother me but like it bothers other people like some other fat bitch might be like oh no that like killed me that crushed me whatever i just i've had this conversation with other fat friends before like i called my friend fat and she got so offended and then later i was like well how

do you identify yeah i was like how why do i have to say this to you like you don't know you're like you don't know i love how real you are you're like you know who we are right like what's like what's like you can see it like what do you i don't know i just say fat oh yeah and then sometimes people you're not fat you're beautiful and i'm like oh oh oh yeah well uh you could be both one two like definitely i am fat like debt like without a doubt i wrote a book yes like did you see the title also if you're blind you would know I was fat if you hugged me like it's not do you know what I'm saying like it's not it's fine you literally cannot hide it if someone touches me because like you'd be like oh I'm hugging a snowman or like a person like who is it yeah anywho and i

feel like i feel like big girls big girls fat girls whatever you say i feel like they should embrace it i love that embracing who you are and just because of what i think does not take away from how beautiful you are you dig so that's what i really think everyone's allowed to have everybody's allowed to have their own opinion the preference you know what I mean so yeah but we have come to the end this is it Michael Jackson this is it yeah an hour I gotta record another podcast

wow okay yeah we did that I gotta keep working gotta keep recording the people want the product they want more they keep saying more and I'm like alright I guess I'll keep talking gotta keep recording the people's the people's want the product they want they want more i got to give them more and i'm like all right i guess i'll keep talking nori g if anything you want to promote yes please check out my last album live from the comedy trap house available on apple

music spotify and title and pandora and follow me on Instagram. Let me know what you think and give all the roses to Nicole for having me. Yes. Thank you so much. Truly. Check it out. Nori's so funny.

And like when live comedy comes back. Yes. Make sure you like, you know, follow him so you can see him live because truly he makes me tee hee hee. Yes. Oh, you know,

I'll be doing a Zoom show like every other Sundayay on zoom called it's a vibe so yeah i put that out there it's called it's a vibe yes put that shit out there yes yes yes well if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe if you leave me a nasty comment on apple music or apple podcast whatever the fuck the platform's called uh or you DM me or send me an email, I'll read it. This is not a come on,

but this is a nice compliment that I got from a nice gentleman. He said, Hi, my girlfriend is a huge fan and listens to your podcast on a regular basis. Apparently there was an episode about blowjobs and you gave some pointers. Well, those pointers worked

and I just want to say thank you for your expert advice. Hilarious. I've never felt better about anything. I mean, I've always been down to say to my boys, I'll share it. Big girls get the best head. I think so.

Well, one, I enjoy it. Two, you just go to a place where you're eating a popsicle and that's a happy place two cheeks is like washing machine walls right there just you know i mean i remember that big fan yeah there you go thank you kind gentlemen uh and that's it okay now you're a sex expert bye That's it. Okay. Now you're a sex expert. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.