Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - You Should Date a Short King (w/ Marcella Arguello)

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

We’ve all heard the persistent dating mandate that the ideal man needs to be over 6ft tall. But what happens when you’re a 6"2 woman facing a dating pool of tall men who have coasted by on their height alone? According to comedian Marcella Arguello, it's time to abandon the tall man propaganda - and finally give short kings the respect they deserve. Marcella returns to the podcast to break down the brutal body standards we face in the dating pool. Nicole and Marcella also discuss the tragedy of having big dicks attached to bad people, and debate whether lying can actually keep the peace in a relationship. Plus, the story how she got a boyfriend by playing the long game. Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:» JIYU: The Korean skincare brand everyone is talking about. Our listeners get 20% off their entire order by using code DATEME at https://www.jiyuskin.com/dateme» Honeylove: Save 20% Off Honeylove by going to https://honeylove.com/DATEME! #honeylovepod» Hinge: Try Hinge’s new feature, Friend’s Take. Send your link to the group chat and let the people who know you best do the talking. https://www.hin.ge/WhyWontYouDateMe» SmileSet: Listeners of our show get an additional 35% discount when they go to https://smileset.com/dateme. With this discount, you can get the smile of your dreams for under 13 hundred bucks!» Chime: Join the millions who are already banking fee free with America’s #1 Choice for Banking. Head to https://Chime.com/dateme. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes.» Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at https://plannedparenthood.org/defendCheck out all of our sponsors and discount codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. Whenever I'm getting dressed and heading out the door, whether I'm going on a date with my man or running errands around town, the bra I pick can make or break my entire mood. For years, finding a wireless bra that actually does anything useful was nearly impossible. They feel soft at first, but within two hours of wearing them, the best. band starts rolling up on your ribs, there's zero support, and you end up with annoying uniboub, where your chest gets smashed completely flat. That's why, Honey Love, X, balance bra is such a welcome surprise. It is completely wireless, but you still get the actual lift and separation because of their signature X design right in the center. The molded foam cups give you a clean, natural contour without adding extra bulk, and the fabric feels like a gentle hug,

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date me at J-I-Y-U-Skin.com. That is J-I-Y-U-Skin.com and use code Date Me for an additional 20% off. After you purchase, they'll ask, where did you hear about them? Please support my show and tell them I sent you. I recently went to San Diego for a wedding, and the whole weekend was so fun. A few of my friends and the nice man in my life all went to together, and because we wanted to make a whole vacation out of it, we booked a home on Airbnb. That was right across from the beach. The location was unreal. We were in this chic neighborhood so close to the venue, so when the reception ended, we didn't stress about getting a ride home. We just walked home together along the waterfront. We were in full formal wear,

carrying our heels, goofing off, and trying to outrun the tide under the stars. It was like a movie. The home was awesome. We had five separate bedrooms, so everyone had their own privacy, but we also had this massive backyard with a private pool and a hot tub to hang out in together. And the next morning, we all took a stroll for coffee and found this adorable local artist co-op and vintage boutique. We spent the morning trying on funky sunglasses, looking at cool art, and picking up some delicious pastries from a bakery nearby. It was a fun little adventure. It was so nice to actually experience the local flavor of the area. Booking a home in a cool location made the weekend unforgettable. So if you're planning a vacation soon, I highly recommend finding a home on Airbnb. Don't you date me? Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, me, Nicole Beyer, was trying to figure out why I was so single,

even though you could come on my eyelid and tell me it's eye shadow. My guest today is a friend, a hilarious comedian, an actress, a wonderful person. You can catch her in the newest season of Abbott Elementary. She also posted a brand new stand-up set on Don't Tell Comedy. She's open for me. She used to host this show in L.A. called Women Crush Wednesday that I used to have so much fun at. It's Marcella Arguello.

Did I say your last name right? Yes. Okay. Here's the thing. I'm always nervous about it and I've known you for too fucking long to ask you how to pronounce it. You know, it's, it's, it's, Argueyo is like the technical. Argueh. But the other thing is like, there are, the umlots are over the you, which I don't use that.

So I'm always like, as long as you don't say like, I'll go get out of the da da. Because I've had someone say Marcella Aguilera and I was like, bitch, Christina is not famous anymore, girl. Like, that's not my last name. That's really fucking funny. Yeah. I don't even know how they would get there with the letters in your name. It is what it is, man. Americans are what they are.

What can you do? They're fun people. Are they? We're having a nice time. We're having a nice time here in America. Last time you were on the show. Wait, you've done this. A long time ago.

Like so long ago. 2018. 2018. Was that the first year we were doing it? It was, yeah, it was I think episode 37, I just like that. Damn. So much has changed. So much has changed.

We were both single. We were both single, but we're both now in relationships. Fucking and sucking. The episode title was called Boyfriendless Forever. Wow. And I met your partner and he is so, is it he or they? Both are fine. Me, they, she, whatever you want to use, I'm fine with.

One of the sweetest people I've ever met, just like a real fucking sweetie. Yeah. The way he looks at you. Oh. Tom and Zendaya vibes, right? Yes. Tom and Day. Yes.

Oh. Oh. But whenever. I meet someone's partner. And like when my friend is talking and their partner is just staring at them lovingly, I'm like, it makes me so happy. I don't notice it because, you know, yeah. And then I also have so many friends when they are at shows and they'll sit near each other, they'll be like, oh my God, this will. And I'm like, oh, good, I love that because I can't always see wherever they're sitting, you know. And it's, it's been, it's just nice.

to hear that from friends because like you hope that that's the case but you don't know well sometimes you meet a partner and you're like I think he hates her right I think this this might be bad yeah wait how did you meet him social media we met through social media you know I'm a I know the story but yeah yeah I'm a big supporter of like underground music underground hip hop generally and um I had someone who was following Clinton and his partner his partner at the time with a jazz singer and Lily Kay Shout out to her. She's incredible. Check her out if you're in the Chicagoland area. And Clinton goes by show you suck. A part of air credits for any, I don't know if there are any of the overlap listeners, but I'm sure there are. But he and I were just following. I think I followed. He might have already been following me. I really, I don't remember who followed who first because it was just mutual artist, interest, respect. I loved underground hip hop. This person I knew had showed me them. And I was like, oh, cool, let me follow. And, uh,

And then they're, I never was looking at his page like, oh, yeah. It was just more like, I like this artist. This person is cool. I like his partner. Oh, wouldn't it be nice to have two artist partners? Like, I'm always, I've always believed, like, I would end up with a creative partner. That's what I've always wanted. Really?

Always wanted a creative. I come from a creative family. So, like, I think that it's good that two people that are creative can be, can make it work. You know, Beyonce JZ, they're some of the most problematic billionaires. But I think that they make it work. I think they made each other stronger as artists. I also think so. Yeah.

And so eventually, you know, their relationship came to an end. I didn't think anything of it still. And I don't think I've ever shared this story. I don't even know if he knows this story, but I'm going to share this story. So he started dating this other person. And again, I'm not there yet at all, like not thinking about it. And this girl, I don't know where on Twitter some girl is like, oh, my gosh, I discovered you. you're, you know, it's so nice to like find a Latina who does comedy.

It was really good at, oh, I was like, oh my gosh, thank you. And she sends me another message like, oh, yeah, my partner show you suck. It showed me who you are and I'm a big fan. And all I thought was like, I'm going to fuck that man. Like, don't ever, bitch, don't ever tell another bitch that's your man is a big fan. And it's telling people about you, girl. I'm obsessed with you. My man's a big fan.

Great. I'm going to fuck him. When you guys' relationship, inevitably falls apart, because to me, it was like too soon after the big, she was the rebound. She was the, in my opinion. Sorry, girl, R.A.P.

You probably aren't listening to this, but you might. And the way that she, you know, had sent that message, I was like, oh, he, I'm trying to fuck. And you know what? When I'm in Chicago land, I'm going to fuck him too. Because that was also the era where I had like, a dude in Atlanta, a dude in New York,

a dude in L.A. So I was like, I ain't got no man in Chicago. Like, ooh, I got some tickets to Chicago. So I waited for their shit to crumble. And as soon as it did, I was like, let me start sending heart eyes in the DM. And I did. And he started sending them back. And then, yeah, to me, it was supposed to be a one-night stand.

But this motherfucker latched on. He said, I ain't letting this go. Yeah. He truly didn't let it go because you moved. I moved. You straight up moved to Chicago. I moved to Chicago. Can you blah?

California girl through and through. I'm struggling through those winters, baby. I'm a chihuahua is fucking half dead. The winters there are so fucking cold. They're so fucking cold. Oh my God, especially if you're like near the water. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, ugh.

Oh my God. It's brutal. It's been pretty tough. Those winters have been pretty tough. But it's, I'm alive. Wait, how long have you been out there? Just over two years, almost two and a half years at this point. I was so surprised when you were like, yeah, I'm moving to Chicago.

I was like, holy shit. Everybody was. And I talk about it on this new album I'm dropping very soon. and check that out. Mid-October, I'm hoping for a release independent album live from the 209. And I talk about it a little bit. And I always say like, oh, yeah, I'm in the joke.

It's like, oh, I moved to Chicago because I'm in love. But in reality, I moved to Chicago because it's a great comedy town. It is a very fucking good comedy town. That was a huge, every time I would visit him, I would go do shows. I would make it, you know, I'd make it a write-off trip to write off that dick. You know what I'm saying? And I was like so impressed. I felt like I was both like on a road gig, but also in a big city.

Like, their audiences are so perfect. They love comedy. They love comedy. I've never had a bad show in Chicago. I mean, I have because I live there now, but it is what it is. That's, this is the numbers. Yeah, honestly, yeah. The odds are against you.

Because you fucking live there. But that's also fine. That's part of the fun is experiencing those bad sets. But, yeah, Chicago, entertainment in Chicago, music, performance theater. It's not just comedy. No. They are a performance town. Yes.

And I love it because, like I said, like I grew up listening to underground shit, supporting, going to local shows at like 14, we would support local bands. So, like, I'm used to that. I'm doing that, participating in that. So I loved when I went to Chicago. And I was like, oh, this is a city of that. I don't think anyone matches what Chicago. I think San Jose is a close second.

Yeah. Because San Jose and Chicago to me are very, very similar. Interesting. They're really. I think it's been enough time in San Jose. Oh, I've lived there for a little while. during the pandemic, but also every time I'm there, it's like there's so much underground shit happening

and also so much cool mainstream shit happening. It's very suburbs and city, but like a nice blend of it. And I just love the vibe in Chicago in terms of a performer. Any performer, if you really want to fall back in love with what you're doing or you don't know where to start, Chicago is a perfect town. I absolutely agree.

When you were talking about bad sets, we were doing shows in Austin. And I can't remember what you were talking about, but you went, oh, so y'all don't like me right now? And I always think it's so funny when a comic says to the audience, oh, so you're not feeling

this? Well, you don't like this? I don't remember, but... I don't remember what it was either, but Mattelio Lane was the first because I did improv first and then moved into stand-up, so like I didn't know you could just say that to an audience. Right. You just say whatever you want in the moment. Yeah. And I remember I was doing shows in Buffalo,

one of the worst towns for performance and joy. And for Pupusas, too. I had Pupusas in Buffalo, New York, and I was pissed. I was pissed. I tried them everywhere where I go. And people were like, well, you're in Buffalo. I'm like, I had the best Pupusasas in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Really?

One year when I was opening for Felipe as Parsley. I know. I will try them anywhere I go, because you just, you don't know this. A Salvadorian goes somewhere. There might be good at it. You took me to the best Pupus is here. Oh, I wish I could. I don't remember where.

I don't remember where either. it was fuck, I don't remember but it was so fucking good. Yeah, there's a huge I mean, there's a huge population of Salvadorian

outside of El Salvador. Oh, really? Yeah, and I think Washington, D.C. is right up there. But you can get great poohas in. I'm Salvadorian, for those that are Salvadorian, Nicaragua, and Lebanese, Palestinian, Spanish.

Baby, I'm filled with breach. She's got it all! I've got all the rage running through my blood. You truly do. I really do. Oh, Buffalo.

Yeah, sorry. They didn't like me at all. So I kept going in between every joke, I go, let's see if you guys like this one. And I'd look at my notebook. I was just doing my set. Yeah, I hate that. And I just kept putting, maybe you'll like this.

It sucks, dude. It's a trick. It is a trick. You're manipulating the audience. Oh, I were usually manipulated an audience because they were, it was like late Saturday show, which, you know, hit or miss, we already know. but I was recording the album. So I was like, no, I need this something.

I need something out of this. And there was these two women who were fucking dying. Like, you know when you can just tell, oh, you like comedy. It doesn't matter what night, what time. You're just having to be out. You're so enjoying this. I made them move because there was an empty table right in front of me. So I made them move.

And I was like, I'm just entertaining you ladies. These people can fuck off. Like, I do not care. They are not into me, but you girls are. So I'm here for you. And you can manipulate the audience into being like, no, we're also. No, we're also, you're for fun.

We love fun. We like you. Yes. They do that and it's the best because you can manipulate an audience into changing their vibe. Yes. The joke, okay. I don't even know if we talked about this. No, I hadn't written it yet.

There's a, I have a pedophile joke. Those comedians do. Mine is don't, don't do it. Allegedly. We haven't heard it yet. But I did Women Crush Wednesday. And it was at NerdMilt. Yeah.

I fucking miss that venue. Yeah. It was such, the ceilings were low. Everyone, no matter how many people were there, it felt like it was fucking full. Yeah. Everyone loved comedy. But I got off stage. For those of to know, it's a comic book store that had a back area that was a stage that started with meltdown with Camel and Jonah Ray.

And then that ended and they were trying to fill that Wednesday night slot. They did something, I forget with who, and it didn't really work. And then they were like looking for something. And I pitched Women Crush Wednesdays, which was an all women's weekly. show and Nicole was in one of the early. Quinta Brenston did the very first one. Like she was still doing stand-up. And Nicole was, I think you did the second or the third one. It was very early. It was really, really early. And you latched onto that show. It was, it helped the show. I loved that show. Yeah. It was a great workout room for comics like you. Yes. Yeah.

And I got off stage and I went, oh, damn, Marcel, I forgot to do a joke. And you were like. And you, and the thing was, you had been saying, oh, there's this pedified joke. I can't wait to do it in front of of women crush because your audience is so open. And then the first thing she said as soon as she got off was, I forgot to do the peddle-out joke. And you would come back next week and only tell that joke. And I said, okay. And the way you introed it was she forgot to tell this joke last week. People were upset. They missed her last week. She's going to come on stage and tell one joke. And it crushed so hard in a way that I was like, oh, I think when I tell it normally, I have to present it. I have to like tell people, I started with, do you want to hear a joke that nobody likes?

And everyone's like, yeah, because I'm going to look. But also, the women crush audience was down. They were so down. I've never made somebody run. And somebody was like running in the back. And I was like, oh. And then she got off dates. She did the one joke.

I did the one joke that was true to my word. And I went, well, that's it. People were shocked. They were like, I thought she was going to do more. And I was like, no. I was invited to do one joke and I'm like, I'm a fucking, I'm a do one. That was the other thing that people liked about that show. I ran the show.

It didn't matter who the fuck you were. It doesn't matter what your credits were. It was Marcella's show. You came for the attitude that Marcella brought and it was the best. I don't know if I should be saying this, but I'm the intention is to do, inspired by Olivia Rodriguez to do a Women Crush Comedy Festival one day in Southern California. I would love that because. There are so many women comics who would love to do it not get paid and then like have that money go somewhere.

Yes. I didn't realize that nobody was getting paid for Olivia's festival. It was great. And I was like, whoa, holy shit. She got huge fucking name. Huge name. All of the money went to, I think, Planned Parenthood. No, they supported women.

Organizations that supported women and girls. Oh, okay. So there was multiple organizations. I fucking love that. Yeah. So she went, she was like, it was one of the most organized festivals I've ever been to. She was like, nobody got. got too rowdy. Everyone was super respectful. And I was like, this is incredible. I think you should

absolutely fucking do that. I mean, the talks was a couple producers. I'm creating like an Ocean's 11 team of women who like want their like on. I was like, it's this passion project ladies. And maybe we can build it. Every year, it'll be bigger and bigger. Mars, if you want to be involved in it, I would love to have any kind of support you have to contribute. Because like one girl is like, I'm the permit queen. I'm going to do location. Other one's like, I'm the booker because I know everyone's agents at this point. I'm like, wait, let's do this. that. And I just feel like I could really run a great one day festival just like Olivia did. We need sponsors. So if this interest you, hit us up, A.B. It is fun because sometimes I'm just like,

I don't know how to do, not community service, but like, what is it? Like community. It's contribution to your community. Like sometimes I'm like, I don't know how to do that. But it's like, oh, I could just use my talents to get people out to give money to help. Yes, yes. And that's important. You need those people who are passionate about that. Because it's fucked up right now. It's fucked up right now. God damn. Yeah.

And women also, women need to be inspired. Women need to be reminded that we can all contribute. And, you know, I'm super anti-patriarchy. So, like, the matriarch is the, all of us coming together and putting in our efforts and helping guide where things should be, which also includes inspiring the younger generations. Like, this is the thing we can all do. Yeah. I, like, saw an article somewhere where it was like, it's so.

interesting that the vagina isn't studied more because it regenerates every fucking month. Isn't that interesting? And I was like, yeah. If I was a man, I'd be like, I want to learn about this thing that grows back every month. Right, right. Like, it's so nuts that, like, medications and stuff haven't been tested on women and we're just going off, like, what men is. It's crazy. I'm like, sometimes I just get so flabbergasted that I'm like, how? How was this, whatever. It's also sad to think that like someone like Dolly Parton, the only way she could deal with her endometriosis is getting rid of all her parts. And then it was like, well, now you can't have kids at all. And that was as far as they could go in the 80s.

And it's like, that's fucking sad. It's so fucking sad. Because men just refuse to study and put funding into it. It's also like, Dolly Parton is a really wonderful example of like, like, not community outreach. What is it? It's like it's called something where like you, the community directly impacts one another. She opened Dollywood to bring jobs to her hometown. And I was like,

who, why aren't more people doing shit like that? I made a joke on threads that was like, Dolly Parton was the only ethical billionaire. Because she never became one. She never became one. She never became one. You can't be ethical and be a billionaire.

No, not at all. How did you get to, I feel like you, I don't want to say radicalized, but like you are a person who is so true to who they are and you have these like values. Like, I once canceled on a show and I was like, it's because you're like, bitch, don't tell me. Yeah. I don't, you don't, it's not my business. You can't make it.

You can't make it. And that really stuck with me because I like to people please sometimes, but I'm like, oh, I actually don't have to. I can't make it because of reasons. It's a job. Yes. And you can call in sick whenever you want to. It could be a mental health day. It's not my business. How did you get like this? You know, my parents. How did you get like this? How did I get so wonderful? Good question. Thank you so much, Nicole Bayer. Um, my parents were just super progressive since ain't, it's interesting too, because I went to see Angela Davis speak at the socialism conference in Chicago recently. And I was with someone who, she's pretty much was like, how did you get like this? And I'm like, since I was a child,

my parents have been, my parents are pretty radical, but also my mom's super Catholic, so she's still very conservative. This is also to say, I also want to, before I even get into this, I wasn't like, I wasn't like how I am now when I was a kid. I was like a homophobic kid. I was a real, I was. I was a bully. I was a piece of shit, but also a straight-A student. So, like, nobody would have guessed that it was me. Oh. Yeah, so I was a real piece of work when I was a kid. But also through that, but that's also why I fully believe in, like, rehabilitation and I'm anti-prison, like, you know, pro-abolition. Because it's like people deserve second chances. People deserve to understand. There's some people that just don't know things because they don't know them and they don't know them. Yes. Right. But my parents were always super progressive. Like, again, going back to my. upbringing um salvadoria nicaraguan lebris palestinian and spanish and like all like if you know anything about the nicaraguan history that shit is dark i don't and that's okay we don't have to get into it because

just give me snippet there's a nice little coup that happened because the government um was like dictatorship which if you are you know familiar with what's going on now yeah same might want to read a little bit yeah but it is the same shit but the you know i have that history in my blood in al salvador same thing Like I have this Oscar Romero tattoo. You know, I found out Oscar Romero is Archbishop. He's El Salvador's first saint. He's a catalyst. When they murdered him, he was the catalyst for the Salvadorian Civil War.

It's the reason a lot of people left. It's the reason my parents fled. So these are things that I was told about, like, since I was young. Like, I've been knowing about this shit since I mean, I have a story in my set where it's like I learned, you know, I say, when did you learn to hate the government? Was it Trump? You know, because some people just learned that just. Which is so wild. It is, but it's true.

But also, you know what? I say it's wild, but, like, I didn't know a lot about, like, the Vietnam War until I started dating the person I'm currently with. And they were telling me about how, like, we are the enemy in a lot of these stories. Yeah. And we're, like, there's so many movies and stuff where it's, like, propaganda. It is propaganda. And I was like, whoa, what? Oh, my.

Yeah. It's really wild to learn. It's really wild. It's really wild. You're like, this is so fucked. So I was getting informed as a really, as a small child, but I had this joke about how like I learned to hate the government. When I was six years old, I remember they, October 31st, 1990.

My, we were trick-or-treating. We came home and we trade our candy and my dad walks in. And he's like, Taxman is here. I need 10% of your candy. And we were like, no, no, 10 is all the numbers. That's all the candy. That's all the numbers.

And, you know, and my dad's like, you got to learn about the government sometime. You got to learn about Uncle Sam sometime. And I was like, I hate Uncle Matt. So it was like, my parents were teaching us these lessons at a very young age. that didn't, you know, pretty big ideas that we didn't fully grasp, but we did, but he's right. Yes. The government takes 10% of your candy. Yes, they do. They do. It is wild. The amount that I'm taxed,

I'm like, well, what? Why? Why are you taking all of my money? And the roads are so fucked up in front of your house. It's crazy. Yeah. I'm like, where the fuck is my money going. Where is my health care? I would like an itemized receipt of where my fucking money is going. $5 to the roads, $2 to the hospital. But that's the other thing. I think this, this Trump era is really opening a lot of people's eyes of how greedy the government is and what they're doing with people's mind. People are just realizing where their money is going. And it's been like, if I have felt like a madman for long, like before I could vote, you know, even when like, you know, when Barack was running and people were like, oh my God, he's going to save us. I was still like, but politicians

lie, you guys, but nobody wanted to hear it. You racist bitch. And it's like, no, but politicians are all, at the end of the day. That's what they do. They lie. They're all war criminals. Like, Even when Jimmy Carter died, I had a friend who was like sent me a video of how great Jimmy Carter was. And I had to fucking lecture the bitch about the money he sent to El Salvador's government, what ended up killing Oscar Romero. And I was like, don't you ever tell any Salvadorian that Jimmy Carter is the shit? And he, I mean, look, I think he did great contributions. But at the end of the day, they all do terrible shit. They all have blood on their hands.

It's just what it is, man. That's politics, man. That's politics, man. We were at, no, you were telling me that somebody thought that was somebody, that was Albert Einstein on your arm or something? Oh, I've had people be like, oh my God, someone was like, is that Morrissey? I was like, yeah, I have Morrissey. As a woman, I have Morrissey tattooed eye on my arm. First of all, I'm not Mexican.

Okay. That's their shit. Is it? No. Yes, it is. They love, Mexicans love Morrissey. Really? They love his ass, yeah.

I went karaokeing in Mexico, and, uh, who sings that song creep? Radiohead? Maybe. I heard it several times in one karaoke. I was like, wow. The men are depressed. They really are. They're not doing well. They're not doing okay. Real quick, we got to take a break. Most of us open a bank account with whatever bank our parents walked us into when we were 16 years old and then we just never look back. Meanwhile, you look at your statement at the end of the month and see all these mystery maintenance fees eating away at your money. it makes no sense, especially when you're working hard, paying your bills and trying to plan a cute vacation

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Marcella, has anyone tried to fuck you while you were on the road? have chuckle fuckers. Have you had them in the past? Oh, like fans? Yeah. I mean, yeah, fans try to fuck me after a show, but it's so rare that I want to fuck a fan. They're usually fucking losers, dorks. It's so rare that I actually want to fuck a fan. I will tell you, I fucked a security of a comedy club. And he was foin. But the issue was when we were like afterwards, you know, post-cuddle. He was talking about his ex. That's fucked up. I don't think it was fucked up. I think he was processing that he actually didn't want to do this. Like he didn't want to do this hooking up.

Like he, in real time, he was realizing, like, I do miss my girl. And I was like, you need to leave. You have to leave my hotel room. Please get out. I'd rather fuck comics. I liked fucking comics. Really? Oh, yeah.

But we have different tastes, Nicole. I don't know if we do. I don't know if we do. I think it was Kim Whitley. And she was like, do you have a type? And I said, no, but a type has me. Sure, sure. The type has me, and I think that's what you think my type is.

Right, right. But I don't really have a type. I love, I love, I just love men. Yeah, yeah, me too. Or people. I think women are also beautiful. Yeah, I don't really. No, I want dick.

I mean, I've definitely toyed in my head, like, do I want to be with the woman? But every time I'm attracted to a woman, it's like a masculine presenting woman. And I'm like, yeah, I want dick. I do love Dick. Yeah. I love. I love giving head. I do too.

And I find not a lot of women like giving head, but I thoroughly fucking enjoy it. Yeah. I think there's something so hot about just like looking up at somebody. Just gag it on a fucking big dick. Yeah, I agree. Oh, God. I did fuck a man who had a huge dick.

Too big, right? It was a little too big and he was like ride it. And I was like, I don't think I can't. I lost my virginity to a guy with a huge dick. I couldn't, we couldn't. And he was not very like sweet and gentle. wasn't about four plays. That's tough.

And I didn't know. Yeah. And it was awful. So I, and I think back like, damn, I wish I had, if I had a little bit more experience, I could have made that good for me. I really would have enjoyed that dick, yeah. But he was a terrible person, so. A lot of big dicks are attached to terrible people.

Yeah. And that bums me out. Yeah. For sure. Never mind. I won't share that. Yeah, no. Well, can you cut this out?

I was recently at a funeral. And you were fucking a dead guy? I was. and it was delicious. No, but the funeral director had the biggest dick I've ever seen. It was like in, he was wearing the tightest pants

and I was like, there's nobody else serious? Actually, I guess he don't have to cut it out, but it was wild. You was making sure everyone could see it. No, but nobody else quacked it. I finally said something to somebody who was there and they were like, no,

I didn't notice the dick at the funeral. I would have noticed. And I was like, okay, well, I guess we're all different. Yeah. But that's the thing. When you like dick, you're looking for the dick. I guess so. It was really wild.

I was like, good Lord. I was like, that imprint, ooh, yeah, I love it. He's showing and probably growing. He's wearing sweatpants to the funeral. He's wearing gray sweatpants at the funeral. Just fucking dick flopping around. And I'm like, ooh, very lively. Yeah.

When did you start dating? Do you think you're like an early bloomer, a late bloomer? I was a late bloomer. I was a super, bitch. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25 years old. Really? I didn't kiss the man until I was 19. But like I said, I was super Catholic.

I was super like, I really believed in like saving yourself till marriage until I fucking became unbrainedashed. And then, but the problem was I was also like ugly duckling type shit where it was like I was just a nerdy girl. And then I, but I also kind of always, I was always able to kind of see what was coming. So I always knew like, is it because you're tall and you can see over people's heads? This bitch. Cut that out. Cut that shit out. Nobody wants to hear that done.

My favorite jokes you have. It's such an old joke where you call yourself Giraffican American. That's a good one. It makes me laugh so hard. It's a good one. The joke goes, ever since I've been bullied since I was a kid.

I don't know why I'm doing a fake voice, but it's the only way I can deliver it because it's so robotic. It's like, I've been able to since I was a kid. People used to call me a giraffe, which really offends me as a proud Giraffrican American. I would laugh in the middle of it.

And let me tell you, you told it at one show, fuck, I can't remember. I can, like, see the venue. I don't remember what show it was. And the person next to me went, oh, is she black? And I went, what? I know. You know what's funny?

Because, like, in my early years, people thought I was black. Probably because I used the N-word too much. But what can you do? Latinos, man, we're problematic. But I... I love you leaving and it just that. So nobody knows if that was a joke or not. So a lot of people thought I was black.

And I look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess that joke can be confusing if you just don't listen to comedy for what it is, you know? But there's, yeah, but people see curly hair and they just think black. Which is crazy because to me, you don't look black. No, I don't think I do either. But also, everyone in my family, like my brother gets mistaken for black or sometimes you get mistaken for Indian. My sister also gets mistaken for Indian.

People just don't have, but we're also very mixed in our background that it's like, what kind of nose is that? What kind of, where'd you get your hype from? And I think people also associate tallness with blackness. Oh. Yeah. And one of my brothers was a basketball player, but the other one was it, you know, like, there was just a lot of stupid shit.

When did you, when did you hit your height? I was like six feet at 13. I think something like that, maybe 14. What do you? I'm 6-2, yeah. Women don't stop growing until 21 years old. So I was, I graduated high school, I think around 6, 6.1 and then I kept growing. That's fucking wild.

And paramedopause, ladies, benipause, your feet grow. My feet have, won't stop growing, bitch. It's awful. I cannot find shoes. Somebody want to sponsor me, Stuart Weissman. Where are you at? I'm a woman's 13 now. 13?

Yeah, I was a 12. When I lost it, I went down a little bit. Which was very strange. I was like, what? My feet were too thick. I don't know. Thick-ass feet, bro. Also, tithies don't stop growing.

Oh, I'm minded. You can have a breast reduction and your titties will grow back. I know. We should be studying women. That's nuts. We should be studying women. Yeah. Titties keep growing.

That's wild. That's wild. That's wild. who's had two reductions. Wow. And might have to have a third. Oh. Because they keep fucking coming back.

That's wild. So, wait, you graduated high school at 6-1. Yeah, something like that. Did that impact your dating at all? Absolutely. Are you kidding me? I know. What a dumb fucking question.

Yeah, get out of here. Nicole, is being black impact your dating. You dumb bitch. Actually? No. Everyone has loved by blackness. I've never once experienced. Why?

I said, oh. Yeah, absolutely. Man are just like, no. You're tall. No. Which is interesting. It sucks. But it's, yeah, it's just like a old-timey patriarchal patriarchal, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, look, everyone has their preferences. I don't, like, it is what it is. But it does turn into the thing where I was like, I guess I have to wait for someone to hit on me. But also, like, short kings have always loved me too. They're just like, they just like, help me fix my lineage, you know. I sent you a video of a short king. Dwork King with a very tall woman. And you respond-

So people stop sending me. You respondent with, bitch, you think you're the only one? Stop sending me these videos. So hard. Yeah. You think you're saying Dade doesn't get those videos all the time. Stop saying them to us. They're not for us.

Also, a red flag for you in dating when you were single is lying. That's something you would like overlook? What? Wait. Hold on. Let me, let me, okay. In the past, you said that a red flag that you ignored is, uh, you ignored is, uh, with dating is lying.

If you didn't care about the lie, you would just ignore it without realizing that it was setting up more than lying in the future of the relationship. Yeah, that's pretty... Wow. Lindsay, she did this research. She's very good.

Shout out to Lindsay, because... I love that I stumped you and really made you think. Well, because there's some stuff I don't want to share. Okay, okay. Yeah, and that's very true. Okay, we could leave it at that then. It's very true, and it's been really hard

to... I just, you know what it is? I read Bell Hooks all about love. And it's a great book, especially if you are struggling and you don't know what to do and you don't know how to find yourself. But every chapter I read, I was like, I already do this. I'm good at this. I'm good at this.

I already do this part. I already do this part. Like, it was not helpful. And then the chapter about like honesty, being too honest and why lying is sometimes good, I was like, oh, this is my biggest issue. Oh. And, yeah, even in my current relationship, there's some problems, bang, but we're working through it. Because also it's like you got to, everybody's history is so different. Some people lie to survive. And I don't think I've ever seen it that way for myself. But now I'm like, yeah, I mean, some people, they just say whatever it takes to survive. Yes. And sometimes in a relationship, that's what people do. And I've, I'm really trying to, I'm really trying my best to accept that some people just, they have to lie.

Sometimes people lie to keep the peace. Yeah. And that, like, is the thing that tripped me up that I was like, why would you not tell me the whole, oh, because you thought I was going to react a certain way. But for me, I'm just so honest. I'm just sometimes too honest, which is what I also learned through that book where it was like, oh, okay, okay, I can pull back something, which has been a fucking very difficult thing to work on for me.

Girl, yes. I'm the same way. I, like, I told my partner, I was like, I told my partner, I was like, Like, I couldn't cheat on you even if I want it to. I would just tell you. Right. I tell him every, it's stream of consciousness sometimes. And then I've had to learn that he doesn't need to know every single thought I have about every single thing.

Right, right. So now I go, do you want my opinion on this? And usually he'll say yes. But sometimes he'll be like, oh, I think I'm just venting. And I go, yeah, that's good. It's hard, though. I have to say it's very. It's so hard.

Sometimes I'll have to write it down. somebody knows and it's like a notebook is better than nobody nobody i mean i i do i am thankful i have so many friends that i can just call up and just stream of consciousness you know just rambling ramble and ramble but what's really sweet is i with my partner now it's like we've gotten to this point where sometimes i call them to just like say everything and i catch myself and i'm like oh sorry i'm just like saying too much and he's like let it out baby and i love that i love that's my favorite because i'm because i fucking so my partner's autistic right who's diagnosed during in our relationship.

I was like, something's up with you, man. Let me just do something about whatever's going on with you. And then he got... Something's a foot. Something's a vood. Oh, we gotta figure out. Yeah. And he kind of already knew.

He kind of had a suspicion. And then he got his diagnosis. And it's been really helpful. Like, we read this book Unmasking Autism. That has been very, very helpful. I'm waiting here right now. It's really great. It's a great.

It's a great book. And Devin Price, I believe. Yeah, I believe it's a name. So we're reading this book and it's great. And I'm learning a lot. But the thing that has really helped me is I stumbled upon a threads recently where this teacher was like, oh, I fixed an issue I had in my classroom where one of my students, she just talks and talks and everywhere I moved her, she just disrupts every child. This was me. So I moved her next to the nonverbal child and the nonverbal child started speaking.

And I was like, oh, that's me. Because I learned recently that two of my siblings, my mom thought they were never. ever going to speak. Wait, really? And then I was like, oh, and then I showed up and everybody was just like, enough, bitch. You talk too much and they started talking. Wow. And because I was like, this is a trip to think about like, yes.

And because that's the thing. Sometimes it's like communication is the biggest issue, but also sometimes people don't know how to communicate. They don't know. They don't want to share too much. People need their secrets, whatever. But I don't have those. I don't have secrets.

That's why even when like, not to say you stump me, but my, I need a moment to think because I'm like, what do I really want to say right now that isn't too far, isn't oversharing, that it's still honest, it's still true to me. So I'm still trying to navigate that shit. Same. And with interviews, I now pause before answering questions because I used to just be like, and then I'd read it back and be like, oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, you said a lot, friend. Yeah. Too much. You know, because then shit ends up in your Wikipedia page. But that's the other, yeah. But that's the other problem, too, is that we also live in a. society where people think you need to have their response right there. It's like nobody pauses to think anymore.

Yes. And I hate that. Yes. And I've also learned to say, in my opinion or in my experience, people will go, that's not true. People are like, well, for me it is. Yeah, exactly. Also, it's so, I like that threat about the chatty child making or helping the non-verbal.

And teachers were responding. I mean, like, I did that too. It works. It did not work for me and my sister. My sister came, she's older than me. she's always been a little quiet and then I just bulldozed her into silence Oh wow

And I remember You stressed her the fuck out I think I really did Yeah I remember we were adults And my aunt or my grandmother was like Are you guys hungry? And I remember my sister just looked at me

Because she was like Well she'll take it She always answers Yeah And then I was like And I remember thinking to myself I was like oh fuck So I went

You have to answer And she went oh Because that's the other thing Some people want that Yeah I think that's the other thing With my partner too I think he like trusts my judgment

Is like whatever you want to do Which gets a little frustrating sometimes You're just like well what do you want to do Whatever you want to do No what do you know whatever you want Yes and it's like well somebody has to fucking make a choice Yeah somebody has to make a good I dated a man where

He wanted me to make choices But then all of my choices were incorrect Yeah that's fucked up And I was like well There's no winning I don't know I don't know know then.

Yeah. And we would like go out to eat and then just like kind of go around the menu over and over and over again until it seemed like he was the one making the decision but ultimately I would. Like it was just like mental gymnastics to fucking do anything. It's frustrating. Yes. Yeah. Real quick, we got to take another break.

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Marcella, but then you fed me French fries and I was like, God, I love Marcella. She really switches. And then you were like insulting the audience and then after the show. And I fed them French fries. after the show, someone came up to you and they went, boy, I'm so sorry to bother you. I just like you so much. And you went, why are you whispering? Yeah, I did the show. You want to picture it with me. It makes me, I just, I love that you are so unapologetically you.

Thank you. Not a lot of people feel the same way, but I appreciate you. I just find it so endearing and nice. And I don't know. I just, I find. it fun. I like when people are just themselves. You know, I also feel like that's what the autism conversation boils down to.

Do you want people to be themselves or do they need to fit a structure of human that you, like a robot? I talk about it in my album. My new album, I talk about autism because it's like we are turning into robots because people aren't letting others be individuals. Yes. Because even if you don't even if I'm not diagnosed autistic,

I still have my traits that are that are borderline might be but also like fucking let people be themselves. Let people be them. Let people be them. I feel like it makes people interesting. A society is interesting. Because growing up I didn't hear the word autistic or autism, you'd be like, oh,

that's them. They just a little different. You'd be like, oh, okay. And you'd be like, they're just a little different. And now that I'm an adult, know what autism is, it's like, oh, that person was definitely autistic. But I feel like with plastic surgery, with like Instagram, with everybody being so fucking connected, everyone looks the same and acts the same. Right. And like accents are dying off a little bit because everyone's trying to sound the same.

Sure. I was in Madrid and there was a gaggle. I think I've told this story, but there was a gaggle of teens that were dressed like the gaggle of teens I would see here. And I was like, oh my God. That sucks.

It's like white T-shirt, baggy jeans, Air Force ones. Right. And I was like, middle part straight. And it might be different for them over there. Sure. Like they're just like, ooh, those girls are different. I don't think so. Because I saw another gaggle that was just the same.

Yeah, basic bitches are everywhere. That's true. You're right. Yeah. But also that goes into, because I'm assuming they're younger. Yeah. They're trying to figure out who they are. It is what, you know, you do kind of mold around who you're around.

But that's the other thing. I was never that way either. My mom was making, I couldn't find pants in stores. Like, I think around 12 or 13, my mom started making me whatever pan I wanted. Pick any fabric. I started doing those, like, vinyl pant. Like Gwen Stefani had those vinyl pants with zippers. So I had vinyl.

pants of every color at like 14, 15 years old. I was just wearing whatever the fuck. I was like, well, my mom makes my pants so I can just dress how I want. Oh, I wish my mother made my pants because I had a shop in the Mrs. section. Oh, yeah, that's brutal. I can't imagine. Because they, like, they had like, I feel like a husky section for girls or whatever. Sure, sure. But like, it wasn't cute stuff. Right. I would try to, like, squeeze into, like, no excuse jeans and I would try to like wear the juniors 15, 17. Right, right. Oh, and I would just have to go to the missus, get the Mrs. 16.

Yeah, those are brutal. Yeah, it was awful. It's still there. I feel like still a lot of plus size clothes is not cute. No. Like there is definitely more options, but you also have to have money. You have to have money. You have to have, like if you don't have style, do you know what I mean?

Like, if you don't know how to put shit together, you're going to walk into the store and be like, I don't know, this. just buy what's off the mannequin. Right. And then, yeah, like, not to shit on it, but like lame Bryant. Well, like, lame Bryant. I used to call it lame giant. Never heard that one, huh?

Well, mine's better. It's lame giant. Okay, all right. But, yeah, like, it's just, it's hard. And I was lucky growing up because I had tiny titties, so I would get things that stretched. Right. So I could wear more things. But if you had huge tits and you were big, like, good fucking luck. I mean, when you don't fit into a specific slot, I mean, because I had struggle with shoes.

I wore men's shoes for most of my teenage years, which sucked. Yeah. Because I had these cool pants, but I'd have to wear, like, men's sneakers. And it's just frustrating when you have, like, a different body. Yes. Yeah. You didn't go to pay less? Oh, no, I did go to pay less.

But even, like, had limited options. They had limited options. And I kept, like, just when they would expand the size, my foot would grow. Oh. I think I was a 10 at, like, 12. And in the 90s, there was... Yeah, you're right. It was brutal.

In the 90s, there was like... Yeah, very few plus size options. And I just learned this about vintage. People were smaller and people would have things altered. Sure. And then mass-produced clothing wasn't marketed or available until, like, I think, late 90s, early 2000s. So that's why it's very hard to find vintage things and, like, a bigger shoe size or a bigger actual size. And I was like, oh, that's fucking interesting.

Yeah, I mean, people used to get their clothes made for them. Yes. Right. Yeah. But now, now we don't. Now we order shit from Sheehan. That's plastic. I don't.

I've never, I've never ordered from Sheehan. And I've never had an Amazon account. Thank you very much. Wait, really? Never. Amazon, the thing is, I was always a big book reader when I was young. I'm telling you, been radical. Been to my word.

So I was a big book reader. And Amazon, the first thing they did, if people remember, was they were a book. were the online bookstore. So they were destroying small bookstores. That was our first thing. And I was pissed. I was like, fuck them. And I never, I refused. I remember like, I don't know, like seven years ago, there was a gig they wanted to pay through Amazon. I was like, I don't have an Amazon account. They're like, well, can you make my team? Can you make one? I was like, no. If they have to pay you and you give me that money, then that's what it is. I was like, but absolutely never making an Amazon. I can't access my IMDB page because it's now through Amazon.

Yep. That's fucked up. That is fucked up. I stopped using Amazon and then I started again. It happens. But I think I'm, I deactivated my prime. That's good. I'm like, I don't need something. It's also super expensive now, right?

Prime is expensive and I don't need. And then they're like, you can get it next day, but then you don't. Right. And then I'm like, I actually don't need this next day. Please everyone. You don't need anything next day. It's fucking fine. And if you do need something next day, go to the store.

Which is crazy that it's like, I can't go to the start at all. It's like I don't have that much fucking shit to do. Yeah. You know, and someone online they brought up that like, we're all about time saving and that's what these are things are for. But in reality, what you're doing is you're creating more work for yourself in smaller time slots. Like, now I can get more done because I don't have to go to the store to pick up thing. But in reality, going to the store can be therapeutic. You take a break.

You go interact with people. I talk about it on the album, a society is two assholes interacting. Like, it's not, it's not us being reliant on, you know, services and aerobes. bots and kiosks and shit. So I'm like, go to the mall. Go to the mall. It's also fun. Go interact with you.

Go see families fighting and go. Go enjoy yourself. Go people watch. It's fun. Me and my boo love going to the mall. We love them all walk around. I love it too. I love the threat of buying something.

Yeah. Oh. Do you have any advice for single people? Do I have any advice for single people? Try a short king, bitch. The problem with women, I'm saying with women, You know, is there a problem with a lot of people. They have a perception, a body type.

It has, I have to have this. There's a lot of women. They're like six feet and over, six feet and over. I'm here to tell you I'm related to these men, they ain't shit. Men who are tall are the worst people on the planet. They have no personalities because you all keep throwing your pussy at them, okay? Try a short king, bitch. They got more personality.

They have time to read. They are more interesting. They have more time to read. They do. They're closer to the, ground where the books are. They're enthusiastic. I mean, look at, it can't just be means and day of holding it down.

Breaking stereotypes, y'all. You all got to try, just try a short king. Some of them are angry. I agree. But y'all been rejecting them for so long. They're a little angry for a reason. I like the little angry one in the bagel shop. Do you remember him?

No. He, I don't know. The viral video? Yeah. Oh, yes. When he's like, I felt like someone could have held his head and he would have been like, yeah,

I agree. I think people are very... Rigid. Rigid about, like, social norms and, like, what they think they should be attracted to versus who they think they should be with. You know what I just learned? Through my partner, my partner's bald.

Like, she has that bald. And I didn't know there's so much hatred for a baldman. I had no idea. I had no idea. I was like, bitch, you guys, you guys don't like a minion? You don't think a minion is you? Get out of here.

I fucking love a minion. You got a better grip when he's down there, bitch. Get out of here. Oh, like a little basketball. You palming that man's head. Keeping it down there. Yeah. Yeah, down there, you little.

Anyways, I just find it so strange how rigid people are on their beauty. Like, I remember when Kanye was like when he left Kim and, no, who was it? No, no, that athlete, that, there was an athlete before Kanye that she dated Reggie something. Oh, Reggie Bush. And then the next woman he dated, which. Connie is also doing the same thing, but the next woman he looked exactly like Kim Kardashian. I was like, guys, date it. Move on. Get a blondeie. Get someone with anything else. But I've had men who reject me because

they don't like my body type. And I'm like, okay, so we blend perfectly as friends. Like, we're such a good match as like our vibes are fun. But because I don't have a big fat ass, like we can't date. Okay, that's your preference. I guess. Guess what? They always come back. Stupid fucking idiots. Don't stop asking me out. Stop reaching out. I don't want to hang out with any of you. If you rejected me, baby, that's forever. Really? Yeah. I'm trying to think if somebody's rejected me and I've been like, well, no, I guess not. No, I don't. I guess, yeah, if you reject, mm-oh. Who is it? Name names. No, he didn't reject me. He just was not into a relationship. And I was like, I can change you. And I did it. Okay. It was bad. Yeah. That's how it goes.

But yeah, I know I've talked about it on this podcast. I was friends with this guy. We would do couple-y things. And then every couple months, he would ask me if I'd been to the gym. And I was like, I think you're waiting. Because I talked about the gym once or twice. I think you're waiting for me to lose weight before you can actually like pursue something with me. And I was like, this is fuck.

That's sad. Yeah, that's really sad. I've also heard of like when larger women, they're with someone, they think it's like perfect and then they lose the weight because they want to. And then the guy's like, no, not you can't. I'm like, what? Yes. Men are disgust and they're impulsive. They're nasty. And it's like you loved me, but you were the body type is what held you here. Right. Isn't that crazy? It's nuts. Men are the worst when it comes to like body types. But also women, they do want tall men. I'm just like, let them go, dude. These are the worst men on the planet.

Yeah. The nice man in my life, I thought he was shorter than me. And I was like, well, I guess this is what I'm doing. I like him. And then we walked past a window and I was like, wait, he's much, he's tall. I was like, this is confusing. And then sometimes I look at him now and I'm like, you're so little. But he's not. He's not at all. I'm, no. I remember he seemed, yeah, when I met him, I was like, oh, okay girl. Yeah. Okay, girl. He a little cutie. Well, Marcella, we have come to the end. Have we? Yeah. Is there anything that you want to promote? I'm in Fargo, North Dakota, October 2nd and 3rd or 3rd and 5th. second and third. And it's my final tour day of the year. I've been on tour all year and it was so fun and I'll be on tour again next year. But yeah, come come check me out if you're in Fargo, North Dakota. I honestly think if you're in Fargo, North Dakota, you should go to the show because Marcella is so funny. Who's opening for you? Do you know? I don't know. I have no idea. I always just say just not two of the same. Just not two of the same thing. That's really funny. Just not two of the same, please. I just like it to be mixed. Yeah. You know? I,

I don't know if it was influenced by you, but like whenever I don't bring an opener, I'm, I always tell the club I'm like, gay woman. Yeah, I used to do that, but now I'm just like, just not the same thing. Because that's the other thing is sometimes you get, maybe you get a gay and a woman and they're kind of the same, you know? Yeah, that makes sense. The vibe is the same. And I'm just like, just not too the same. That's it. Once I ended up with my host that I bring with me sometimes, Liz, when I was a little heavier, I was like, uh-oh. we're the same. Right, right.

But then she got on stage and I was like, oh, we're different. We're different, but also kind of similar in a way. But I love her so much. Yeah. I used to be,

when I first started headlining, it was like not too straight white guys. Because that's also what was so much more common whenever you work the weekend that you had to be like, you can't, guys, this doesn't make sense. My audience does not want this. They want something a little different.

If they're coming to see me, they want something a little different. I fully agree. Yeah. I once had a straight man open. He was my host in Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton, Appletown, whatever. I won't go back.

But the host was a white guy. My feature was a black guy. And then I was headlining. And I remember they were so disrespectful during my feature set. At one point, someone screamed out, smile, we can't see you. Oh, no. And when the host got back on stage before bringing me up, he was like, guys, you got to settle down.

You got to. And they were quiet for him. And then when I got on stage, they were, like, really disrespectful. Oh, my God. And I remember starting a joke, someone yelled something. And I was like, all right, you don't get the end of that one. Yeah. And then I was supposed to do a meet and greet.

I didn't. I was like, you people don't deserve one. You're terrible. You people are awful. That's awful. Oh, I'll never go back. Good for you. It was one of the worst weekends of my life.

And then I felt funny going out after the shows. And I was like, I'm not doing this. Anyway, would you date me? Of course I would date you, Nicole. You've grown up so much. I wouldn't have done it back in the day, but you're just so much more pleasant these days. And you got a house. Yeah.

She's medicated. I don't know how people dealt with me when I was unmedicated. I mean, you're a, look. A little tornado. No, but you're not a bad person. No. So that's what it comes. For a lot of us, that's what it comes down to you.

Are you a bad person? I mean, because that's what's funny when, like, people talk shit about. And I know there's, I know I got rumors and reputation about me, but people who really know me well are like, nah, she's a good person though. Yeah, you're absolutely a good person. And that's where it boils down to. Because also, like, if you are like, you say something rude every now and again and you use something wrong or you're off or whatever, you're also like, that's all right. She'll get, she's going to grow from this. We're still young.

We were young. Yeah, you're right. It's funny because now when I say something that might be rude, I'll go, huh, was that bad? Do we all hate it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. We're growing up.

We're growing. We're learning. or dealing. Well, bitch grow up. My special on HBO Max. I talk about growing up. Watch that one. Watch it.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can follow it, you can rate it five stars on Spotify, and Apple Podcasts, you could tell a friend,

you can recommend the show on Reddit. It helps the show out, even though Reddit's kind of mean to me. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcast at Gmail.com, I'll read it. This person writes,

Dear Nicole, we bump shoulders on the the street when you realize it's me. Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, no. But I turn to run, but you look me directly in the eyes and say simply, Sonic, you don't have to be alone. Sonic is a child. My bright blue crotch bulges furiously and we dashed together passionately, making out all the way to my cozy forest. He's an orphan. You immediately try to pull out my enormous blue tank, I hold it in my arms and whispered tenderly. It's okay, Nicole. You don't always have to be so fast. This is so deeply upsetting.

Then I like your itty-bitty titty like a hummingbird and treat your clit like a chili dog. He likes chili dogs because he's a child. And gobble it up, probably mutually horned up. We slow-fucked. Don't stop me now till we both have huge orgasms. Simply drenched in blue cum. We lovingly grasp a pencil together

and check out the final item on my bucket list. Well, he's a bucket list because he's a fucking child. Find the woman of my dreams. Love Whitney. Oh, a proud member of the straight male. Nicole's super fan group. There's dozens of us, dozens. All right, Whitney, this ending was funny.

But we all have to remember Sonic is a child. Maybe this person was at Women Crush Wednesdays at night you did that one joke. They understand you better than you understand yourself. That's really fucking funny. Well, goodbye. That was a hate gum podcast.