Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Zoom Speed Dating (w/ Gilli Nissim)

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Friend and writer Gilli Nissim (The Other Two, A.P Bio) joins Nicole to discuss breaking up in the middle of the pandemic, her experience speed dating over Zoom, and traveling abroad for hookups.  Nicole wishes that she can go on Birthright. Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come right in my ear and I would say, oh, no, it's clogged, but I still have one good ear.

My guest today is an improviser and writer who's written for the other two in AP Bio. Oh, you wrote for AP Bio? I didn't know that. It's Gilly DeSeem! I loved getting to hear that live, sort of. What a dream for me. This is huge. Hi, Nicole. I cannot believe I haven't had you on the podcast. When I texted you, I was like, wait, I think I've had Gilly on. And then I didn't. No, I was also very much on Molly when you texted me. And it was like a weird day where I was with two friends from high school feeling like intense love, like rains of sunshine coming through. And then I checked my phone and I was like, I have to use my cell phone right now, guys. I'm going to go away and do this on my cell phone. Just like sweating. Very excited

that you asked. So kind. Well, we've talked about our status being out there. Yes, yes, yes. Just being single ladies. Wait, what were you, was it like an occasion you were doing, Molly? Or you were just like, let's have fun. I was supposed to officiate one of those friends' elopement this weekend. And the other friend was the witness. And the couple decided, they have a kid. And they've been together for a long time.

And they decided they could wait a little more. And yeah, yeah. But we just wanted to, me and my high school friends have sort of gotten closer. Um, like I had a really bad drop off with, I kind of do this periodically with different groups of friends. I had a really bad drop off with my high school group. I just like needed to come to Hollywood and succeed. And then once I succeeded, I could kind of check back in and be like, I did it guys. And that took longer than I thought. And, uh, I just sort of accidentally like stopped responding and wouldn't hang out. And we all live in California. So it's a doable friendship. It isn't like that I need to get on a plane constantly. So that's the excuse. And we, I kind of just like made the conscious decision of like, I'm going to eat shit and fight my way back into this group. It's hard. Love that. Yeah.

into this group. It's hard. I love that. Yeah. It is hard. But I do love that you said you made a conscious decision to fight your way back in because I feel like people don't realize that it's like, oh, I want this thing. And it's like, well, how are you going to get it? You have to make a choice and put in, you know, a little bit of effort. Yes. And it is really hard with, I think, mounting guilt. Like it was all my fault that I wasn't there. No one had done anything. No one had hurt my feelings or like left me out. I just like, if you stop responding long enough, they'll stop reaching out.

And I would like have conversations with these friends in my head. And it like satisfied my need to talk to them. Really, really cuckoo stuff. But that sustained me being away for so long. And then suddenly you're like, well, I haven't talked to them in real life in like two years. That's just literally been in my head. And you will be listening to stories that you don't get. There's inside jokes that I missed out on. And that's hard with the people who I have like childhood memories with, but it's so worth it. And I, I mean, this is turning into a PSA,

but if you've got that friend that you feel so bad about not tending to enough or not being there enough, like, wouldn't you rather just feel some discomfort for a little while, but then you have them back. Yes. And the discomfort melts away. Like when I first moved to LA, everyone was so nice and open and like inviting me to stuff. And I was like, yes, I want to go. Oh, wait, I have to tour now. And then I toured for so long that like during the pandemic, I like really made a point to text people and be like, let's hang out. Let's do this. Let's get in the backyard. And then it was a little uncomfortable to reach out because I was like, maybe these people don't

like me. And that's why they stopped reaching out. I was like, no, it's they just assume you're gone. A hundred percent. Hearing you say this makes me feel so much better because I still feel it with my friends, like in close proximity, like our comedy friends and stuff. But everybody loves you so much, Nicole. Yeah. I totally just sort of assume someone's got something going on or they're busy. And when it's like Saturday night at like 4 PM and I'm just sort of like, I'm about to stay home and do nothing again. No, that's just, that's not me. And yeah, the discomfort really does melt away. Like Molly in a glass of champagne, it melts away. What a dream. This I love. Yeah, you had I think, yeah, you emailed a bunch of people and were like, let's get on a zoom just to talk. And it was so lovely and delightful.

That was delightful. But also wasn't it like a year ago? It was definitely like a year ago. Yeah, it never ends. We have to like keep, we're, I have already said I'm like a huge fan of your podcast and listen to it all the time. I think I've sold you to your face, but like I was about to say we're all farmers because you talk about being a farmer, but you've never said that to me. You've said that to social media or on this podcast. And I just need to cop to feeling weird.

But that's just the truth. I know things. It's okay. I know things. But we're all farmers. I just gotta tell you, I know things. The farm is not thriving because i've been working more so i keep forgetting to like i wake up too late to like just go out there and take the five minutes to just water the farm and then i was talking to them yesterday i was like hello tomatoes i'm so sorry i know you're not thriving but like we're gonna get back into the rhythm of things and then i was like you're truly an insane person. But I think they like it.

I think, I mean, there's science behind them liking that, right? I think so. I don't know. The puppy, I have a golden retriever puppy who. Is so fucking cute. Thank you. She's really cute. Clyde is so cute.

He's been beaming in the things you're posting. He really loves being social, doesn't he? He really, he loves, I call it call it school and he gets his tulage uh we come to school too you do i love it we have to get wilma from skew yeah he loves other dogs he loves running around uh there's been an outbreak of the dog flu another pandemic to fucking deal with so he hasn't been in a week and then he was exposed to some dogs who have the coughs oh no he's fine he's not coughing he's not like lethargic or anything he's perfectly healthy uh but he is a little down in the dumps like this morning i don't know how he knew it was like monday but he woke up at eight and was like needing me and then i was like oh i'm sorry you're

not going to school today and then he walked to the end of the bed and just like in a huff was like but i want to go to school i want to go to school and learn. I want to learn. That's a good feeling, though, that you know it's not like dragging him. He's not like Matilda with the trunchbull throwing him around by his ears. He's got a good time going. Wilma killed our grass, though, all the dog pee. And I was like, this is my responsibility. I'm the roommate with the dog.

It kind of looks sad seeing this literal patch of of dirt so i went to a local a seed store okay a garden no no you can't you can't take things away from the garden that would be i went to a place where they sell seeds and plants a seedery no um i like the idea of going to a seededary it wasn't like a home depot or an it wasn't like a a big store like that so i dang uh a nursery oh yes it's definitely called a nursery oh then i don't know a place like that where uh you could buy grass-like things. And I was like, ma'am, you're talking to a one year old and you're telling them how they could plant some dirt. And I went in without gloves, without a shovel or trowel or whatever, because I just sort of forgot that I would need that. And the lady didn't say it. It is not her fault, but I just bought what she said to buy. Totally

my fault. And I just scrabbled at the dirt with my fingers and nails. Just like a little troll monster digging in dirt with your fingies. That's very funny. And it hurt. Like my hands were vibrating and I hated it so much. And I'm telling myself I hate gardening, but I have to remind myself like, no, you hate gardening incorrectly. But I don't think it's for me is what I'm saying. So the fact that you got anything off the ground, I'm very impressed by. Thank you, Gilly. I'm impressed that you've been raising a

dog from birth. Thank you. It's kind of wild. Like you potty trained, you've taught her things and she's just so big and cute and she's gonna get bigger right i think she's gonna get bigger she better get wider because she's real narrow right now get wider i mean i'm feeding her i'm feeding her she's dead asleep right now it's very cute but um yeah she's big she's like 60 something pounds damn and she started at like i don't know five she started real small and i don't know, five. She started real small. And I will say this, there was a weird delusion that broke when I brought her home because I had gone through a breakup and I knew it was going to stick. I wasn't on the fence about that. I wasn't going to try to get back together. And I knew I wanted to get a dog and this was a good opportunity.

Some weird part of my brain thought that we were still going to raise her together. Oh no. I haven't really said that out loud. Oh no. Yeah. And then you were just a single dog mom. A single, but like, that's absolutely what I was. I found her, like we had been broken up for months. I found her by myself. I like drove to Phoenix, Arizona to get her by myself. I like, I have a roommate who has helped here and there. Absolutely. But like for a couple of weeks when I first brought her home, I'm just thinking of my ex-boyfriend who has nothing to do with this dog. It's like a deadbeat dad.

And when I would see him, I would be like, here she is. That is truly so funny. I wonder, you're not the only person to go through that. I wonder if there's like, you know know several thousands of people out there being like this fucking lazy motherfucker won't take care of this this dog i adopted or got by myself they won't help me out and you feel some type of way when you see them i really it was very dramatic the first time i like brought because he lives in the neighborhood we're not enemies i brought her to like i have a puppy out everybody's got to see this puppy like i mean you taught you saw her when she was little and you taught her to shake in one second and it was one of the craziest things i've ever seen but she was on she's unreal cute now she was something else when she was a baby so i'm just so cute big old paws

oh big nose she carried a big nose better than i ever could and i wished and when i saw him it was like she could have been your daughter like i was feeling that i didn't say that but i was feeling it very much in my heart and i don't think he i, I think he thinks of it as like, oh, that's Gilly's dog. Like, I don't think he's like, I could have been. It never crossed his mind one time to be like, I could have been helping raise this. I could have woken up at 2 a.m. to let that dog out to pee. Yeah, he's definitely not regretting that. But it was hard, but it's getting easier and more fun.

Like, I imagine when you first brought Clyde home it was harder get like the adjustment period yeah well because he was potty trained but also it was a new environment so he was like uh I shouldn't hear sometimes and then once because I didn't know what kind of schedule he was on yet I left for i it was only like maybe three hours i went to go do an improv show walked back up from uh used to be franklin and opened the cage and i just heard a and i was like oh no i've never heard that little moan what happened and i like looked at him and he was just pushing shit through his crate with his little paws being like, I don't really want this in here, but like, I know I did it. And I was like, you're covered in shit.

Then I like opened the crate, got a towel and put him in the tub and he was just staring at me. And I was like, okay, I think this is okay. And he was it's not okay and in that moment i was like yep i'm in this by myself but also there was another dog there uh when charlie lived with me he was just sitting there staring at the whole thing being like i don't know how to help this either you guys are weird that is so funny i've seen the uh poop coming out of the crate, except it was straight from the butthole. I was trying to like, you're not supposed to respond to whining, but then there's some whining that's like different whining. And I made the rookie mistake of like, she's just upping her game. I'm not, I feel so guilty. I just was like, ah, I'm not letting you out.

And she had pooped, but she had diarrhea, which was a fun surprise. And I go to the crate and she's crunching her butthole against one of the openings, pooping outside of it. But you missed your show, right? Or were you coming back from the show? No, I was coming back from the show but that's just oh yeah i would have definitely missed the show because it's like oh i need to wash this dog thoroughly this isn't like a quick cleanup it's no no just mushing it because then i had to wash the little thing at the bottom of the crate and then we discovered that clyde does

not like a crate he does not like great no he loves being free in uh in my living room and i have little pocket doors and he likes to scratch at the pocket doors and then i got a new chair and he i guess was playing on the chair and had fallen behind the chair and i came home three days ago and he wasn't at the door like normal and i was like oh you're being very quiet usually he's just like hello uh and he didn't say anything i was looking around i was like did he get out i went upstairs i i looked around and then his just little face was behind the couch and he was smiling so hard and i was like oh did you get stuck back there? And he was like wagging his tail. He's like, I did.

Bless them. Bless them. They give us so much entertainment and excitement. Do you think of him as your pet, your son? No judgment to anyone who does any of these things. I think of him as my companion yeah like he's my friend he's my companion like today uh i had to go do a like a covid test and then some adr if you don't know what adr is it is the fucking you just have to say the same shit

you said in the scene but the sound was weird so you gotta re-say it um so i had to do that today and i just brought him with me and he is real chill in a bag uh so i like left him in the bag and then asked if i could take him out at some places and they were like yeah yeah you can and he was just good all day and was so happy he loves a car ride oh amazing yeah he's your he's your ride or die but it does take like a little bit of effort to put him in the bag because he's like but i want to stay out of the bag what if there's somebody i can say hello to but sometimes he he bites the gentleman i took him to work all two weeks ago or last week i don't fucking know and uh he almost no he yeah he almost bit the the like stage manager and i was like i'm sorry i should have warned you you can't just put your hands in his And he almost bit the stage manager.

And I was like, I'm sorry. I should have warned you. You can't just put your hands in his face. He's like, no, no. I'm done with him. He can live his life. I will knock before entering now. And I'll wait till you pick him up.

And I was like, OK, cool. And then he didn't like the sound man. The sound man was trying to wire me. And he tried to get between us. And I was like, he's not hurting me. He's putting a microphone on me. It's's been fun do you take Wilma anywhere um she has been to bars like bar patios she's come to some dinners um she does also love a car ride she's a little big so that's gonna be weird I I've never really thought about like how high I want to hit the heights of power in Hollywood before. But now because of her, I'm like, I guess I better aim for really high because

you have to be like the important person to have your dog. So she's motivating me to work harder. That's genuinely very funny. It's like, I'm going to work harder so I can bring my dog to my job. Otherwise, they're going to be like, you can't bring your fucking dog. And then you see six other dogs and you go, well, whose dogs are they? And they say, look up. And you go, oh, the tippy top of the building

of the offices, that's their dogs. Okay, I got to get there. And I will, I will. I will get there. Okay, we have to take a break. And I will. I will. I will get there. Tee hee hee. Okay. We have to take a break. And we're back. Okay, Gilly. So you've, you mentioned that you've broken up. You, you went through a breakup, uh, the pandemic right or no like middle like oh right

in it nicole right yeah it used to things shift around because we never knew when the pandemic would end so it felt like it was towards the end but really it was the middle i hope it doesn't become the beginning um it was pandemic our lockdown started started in March. We broke up in August, but lived together for September. That was hard. Yes. Well, yes. It was the right call. I stand by it. There were a lot of things that I think were, I would never do or advise a friend to do, but the pandemic made everything, the edges are a little blurred and because no one harmed anyone emotionally or, well, I was emotionally harmed, but not because of him, but because society really, really wants to push you to have a damn baby. And I never felt it, never felt it. And

then it was like a laser beam focus on my forehead for like a year. But, um, we were just sort of both okay with like, uh, not knowing what to do and not knowing how to make a clean break because we're lonely as shit. And, uh, it was right at the end of August that we like said the words, like the breakup was coming for us, but the words were said late August, making it real. And you don't want to go run and sign a lease. And like prices in LA did not go down the way logically we all thought it would. They stayed right there. And, um, so we both agreed like, okay, we can do this, but just so we don't rush into like our next living situation. And he kept offering to like sleep on the couch or I went away for a little

bit. So it wasn't, but we did like share a bed fully, just like a very like shaky bed of just two people crying on their edges of a California king just taking up all that width. I mean, it sounds hard, but also like I know that you guys are still like friendly and not enemies. And it just seemed like such a healthy breakup where you're like, we just want different things and we'll always, you know, love each other. But this this can't be since we want the different things. Yeah. And I think there's a frustrating element to that because I can't talk shit about him like I want to real bad.

I can't like feel anger to fill the sadness. There's no like ranking of what's sadder. Like no one could ever possibly figure that out although people try um I just like it feels unreal sometimes like some mornings I literally wake up now I'm better it's been it's you know where we've hit the year and surpassed it so it does feel a little better but like I would wake up some mornings and not think it really happened. I mean, you guys were together for a minute. Yes. Um, like a good long time. 575,600 minutes times five. It's so long. Thank you, rent. It's so long. Um, and then, yeah. And then I couldn't date. Like I was so annoyed

because the pandemic was already making things so hard to date. And then like, I was sad. So now I'm like reborn. I have ripped the bandaid off of like sleeping with a new person, which is nice. But it was really sad. Well, the baby stuff is like, it's no joke. It's like really, really heavy. We went to couples therapy. People try to think that there's like trauma getting in my way. And if I could, if I could unearth the trauma and like undo the puzzle or do the puzzle and undo the knot that's keeping me from wanting this very obvious natural normal thing that everybody wants then i'll be healthy and then we could have a baby and we can stay together it is really fucking crazy that every like because many people even on this podcast have been like, yeah, but like

you'll get a little bit older and you'll want it or you'll get pregnant and you'll want to keep it. I was like, I don't think that's the way I should think. Right now, I just don't want one. And I think that's OK. It's so OK, Nicole. And you saying you don't want one is the whole story. It's so okay, Nicole. And you saying you don't want one is the whole story. It's the whole story, period, the end. It's a very, very thin book and in hardcover. It was really, really crazy.

I just have been really spoiled in my life. My parents didn't question me. It never came up when I was little. I don't know. My parents are a little more modern. I don't know. Non-traditional family. They, they moved here from Israel and had kids like quote late for their generation. Cause you go to the army in Israel and that just sort of pushes everything back. And my mom did say to me one time, like I didn't want kids. I felt very firm on that. And then I changed my mind and I did. So maybe that will happen to you, which I respect because it does happen to some people, but it's not the only option or the only outcome. Like there's also the option that you don't want them and

you're firm on that. But I respected all these people telling me you'll change your mind or like something's going to happen. Something will change internally and just flip a switch. And they just don't want to hear that you just don't want kids. And I'm not saying I don't have weird childhood things or things I need to work through emotionally, but it's like, those are separate. There's plenty of broken people who have kids. I agree. Yes. And I think about it a lot. I'm like, so if I had a kid, I know I would immediately resent it because I'd be like, I make money and now I have to share it with you and you haven't done a single fucking

thing. You don't even have opinions. You can't do shit. For so long, you can't do shit. That is so, so much time. And you're not like cuddling with me. You're crying. But even, even all of that, like, it's not even my reason. Like, I just don't want them. But people will fight you tooth and nail to come up with a reason. It's like, imagine if I, for one second, turned it on someone and was like, oh, you want kids?

Why? Yeah, why? I think when you get a little older, you're not going to want them. You're going to realize that. You're going to resent them. And I think you're just, the switch is going to flip and you're not going to want them nasty ass kids. Yeah, I really think that when you see all of your friends with kids throwing birthday parties with kids, they're going to really wish you didn't have kids.

I mean, it is funny when friends do bring their children to a party. I'm like, oh, oh, why is it here? Also, you're going to have to leave early. You can't get hammered. That baby will be so upset that like it has no functioning adult to help them. Masks have been really helpful with that, too, because I can do my frowning underneath the mask at a child without feeling like I'm like a witch. I do like the mask in regards to I can have a lot of reactions and nobody knows what I'm doing. So much is happening under there.

I have to like check it sometimes. I'm just like, OK, do I have my mask on? Yes. Go for it. Show everybody. I feel like you ripped the bandaid off. You were doing like speed dating, Zoom speed dating. I did.

I feel like we've talked about it, but I'd like to talk about it on the pod. It was not good, right? It was. Well, you maybe are similar. I love meeting new people. I need it. That was a very hard thing about the pandemic. So lucky that we have friends and relationships that we've built over time. But I talk to strangers at restaurants. I make friends in line at the women's restroom and at the club. Like that is where I really thrive. Long-term friendships are rough, but give me five minutes and I'm the best.

So that was part of the appeal, I will say. It was also like earlier than I was ready to date, but I didn't, I know, I never liked the idea of like some bullshit. Like if the relationship's five years, it takes half that time to get over it. Like weird rules. And maybe that's from a nineties movie that I retained, but it's just like, I didn't like the idea of needing to be sad any longer than I had to. So I was pulling out stuff like speed dating just because it was like, I feel safe. I can do this. It was pre-vaccine. So I was pretty sure I wasn't going to see any of these people

other than online anyway. And it just like, they couldn't fill it up. Uh, I don't remember the name of the company. So luckily for them, uh, they couldn't fill it up. And I said, I was interested in meeting men and women, but they only had me meet men. I still am glad that I did it. I think three minutes of conversation all in a row, rather than you picking up your phone, walking away from it for three days and then looking again, trying to keep a stilted app conversation going. People remember to ask questions in person in a way they do not do via text. It's insane. I won't do it because it will only be taking away my time, but I so badly want to just write, you forgot to ask a question before I unmatched somebody just to maybe help them in the future. Like, why aren't any of my convos going? Because you only talked about yourself

and then you said nothing. So those were like, okay, chit chats. And I said yes to everyone because I don't think you can know in three minutes. No, that's like on the apps. I truly give it two back and forths. And if you don't ask me out, I just unmatch you because we're not going to get to know each other via texting. No.

I don't know the cadence of your voice. I don't know the faces you make. I don't know. I don't know if your pheromones work for me. Like, do you smell weird? Do you smell good? Do I like it? What have people done that made you say okay let's

get that drink usually it's like hey nicole i think you're really cute and i'm like oh thank you so much i think you're cute too um since i think you're so cute do you want to go get a drink at x y and z or do you want to go get like a dinner somewhere? And almost like, even if I don't really like your pictures, I'll do it because it's a public place. Uh, we are coming separately and I don't feel like there's any real danger in a public place. Uh, so yeah, uh, I'll, I'll meet any old person. That is awesome. That is so cool of you. You're being so kind to these people by gracing them with your presence. If you don't go, then you never know. And I do, I do like meeting new people. Like I

went to the fucking Hollywood bowl and I made friends everywhere I went, you know, just getting directions. I'm like, that's my new best friend. So I kind of thrive when I meet someone for the first time. I mean, now I'm sounding like a full creep. I've never really put it all together. But when I would ask for directions in a new place, I would go up to someone and ask for directions and they'd give you like all seven steps. And I can only retain a few, but I would do the I would do step one and then ask a new person and then do step two and just make my way there. But making friends, the holes, every leg. I absolutely do that. I'm like, okay, I wasn't fully listening.

Hello, new friend. Okay, so I made that left back there. So I'm here. Where do I go now? And they're like, ha ha ha, you're so funny funny and then sometimes i'll get in fights with people i love fucking fighting people like brand new people on the street that you have asked a favor of no no no people who have done bad things like uh again at the hollywood bowl uh i went saw black panther with uh i don't know if i told this story on the podcast mars have i uh i'm not sure let's hear it okay uh so i went and saw black Black Panther and it has like a live orchestra. It's the Phil fucking Harmonix. So it's like show some fucking respect.

And this lady was with her friend and her two kids and they were running around and they were talking during the whole movie. And I said, hey, can you guys just like be quiet? And then one of the gentlemen with them was like, eh, whatever. And just like waved his hand at me. And I was like, oh, come on. I mean, I'm not the only one who wants you to be quiet and then during intermission one of their kids accidentally hit me with a a poster board like a poster and the lady was like you have to say sorry to that woman and I said I do not want to sorry I want you guys to shut up during the rest of this and she was like i can't

believe you were speaking to me like this and i was like i can't believe you're speaking during a movie it's the philharmonic and so she was just sitting there quietly being like this is what my friend does she'll give anyone a piece of her mind and then she was like like kind of like uh you know like like hitting her fist in her hand and i was like what are you doing she's like what are you doing and i was like why are you talking to me like this she's like why are you talking to me like this and i was like i think you should go sit down and she's like uh so yeah i'll fight anybody i love talk to anybody i love people just any emotion at all with a stranger she started doing like the west side story fight move like very much that and i was like do you

think we're gonna fight at the hollywood bowl that's in front of michael b jordan because he was there to say hello he was he was there to say hello but he left right as the movie started but boy oh boy is he good looking unbelievable it's honestly like a joke and in that movie too his hair the whole thing when he appeared shirtless everyone cheered and i was like he should be here to have heard a sold out fucking hollywood bull be like at his shirtlessness also the idea of just like he's not a bad guy like you think he might be is so hot. That just made him even hotter. Oh, so hot. Okay. So speed dating, no bueno. Um, have you been on the apps? Like, yeah. What gets you out with somebody? You know, um, being a little bit funny instead of just giving a, I, I like, I used to like to

say that I didn't think that mattered as long as they appreciated comedy, as long as they were interested in like seeing shows and they thought I was funny. I unfortunately do need that. Um, and it turns out it's more than that. I need them to be funny too. It feels very boring to sit across from someone who is just sort of like watching you go. And then I would say like, and you, and they would just kind of push it back at me because they had nothing. Wait, would you say those actual words? Yes. And you? Yes. Out the alcove. I said those words recently. Oh, I love that. That brings me so much joy. I would love to listen to a couple on their first date and hear someone go. And you?

Well, there had been questions and pauses that he didn't take leading up to that. So I was like, maybe he needs a little more of a push. Like if I had had a microphone, I would have literally handed it to him. Yeah, just being a little bit funny, which is, I understand, very difficult to do. I'm sure there's a lot of funny people I'm not sort of registering or picking up on, but it just is that, and then like saying that they're vaccinated, we will, we can get drinks off that. Oh yeah. You have to say that you're vaccinated. That's another thing because I believe in science. It just feels also having a roommate. It feels like bare minimum. Like I need to be careful in so many ways. But at this point, I'm guarding against COVID more than herpes. I feel like herpes I could contain and I'm not going to give it to my dad.

No, hopefully you wouldn't give herpes to your dad. I can guarantee that I wouldn't, but I might give him COVID. So it's way more important that I stay away from COVID. So the, the bandaid ripped off with the sex. Was that someone you met on an app? Oh, wait. Also what apps are you on? I'm currently doing a, oh, Nicole. Okay. So I'm currently doing, oh, Nicole. Okay, so I'm doing Tinder and Hinge. And I tried something called the Lox Club. What's the Lox Club? It's for Jews and those who love us. Oh.

And I've already come across people. I won't name names because that's on the app and not. I think the apps are outside of the real world a little bit. I don't know. A little. A little bit. So I've seen people we know who are not Jewish on there, men and women.

Oh, okay. So maybe I'll get on there. I thought I should try because maybe it would sort of jumpstart some familiarity. Like, of course we have XYZ Y, Z in common because of this. I'm not on the app anymore. It is no, it's not interesting to me to pick any one type of person, even if it's who I am. Like, no thanks. It creeps me out. And I just wanted to try it. I don't know. I just wanted to give it a go. Cause they made it sound like there were matchmakers working to find your perfect match. And it's like it's like everything else. If there

is a real person, she is overwhelmed by all of this and by all these people swiping, being real horny, being like, please give me somebody. Yeah. Wait, before we talk about sex, did you go on birthright? Yes, I did. I want to go on birthright. I did a commercial that shot in, oh my God, where was it? In Romania. And then I missed my flight back. So then they put me on a different flight that routed me to Tel Aviv. And then when I flew back, yeah, there was, I don't know, hundreds of like horny fucking teams coming back from birthright

and like giggling and putting blankets over each other and i was like are these are these youths of fucking right now they probably were the blankets are concerning yes it was very and i was like where are your adults they didn't seem to have any adults with them well they were probably 18 well there's a lot of different i know people who did trips in high school and middle school there there's a jews really like to get people to the mothership they're like not messing around but um i did do birthright i did not hook up it is a huge huge mistake on everyone else's part i didn't lose my virginity until i was 20 i'm like a super late bloomer with everything. Uh, and I don't think that's super late. Uh,

well, I guess it felt late because I started drinking at like 13 and we were like being all loose and crazy and all my friends lost their virginities. I think like ninth grade around there. So I felt no one, no one like bullied me for it. Obviously my friends are good people and we're still friends, but, um, it, you know, I, I had to go away to Europe because America just didn't want it. Israel didn't want it. Sure. So you lost your virginity in Europe. I lost my virginity to this like random man who I basically wanted to pop my cherry. So I could go to Europe. to Europe. I was very, very lucky to get to study abroad and, uh, was just like choosing my place based on who I thought would want to sleep with me. And my mom was like, you should go to Spain or a Spanish speaking country. So you could use the Spanish you study in high school. And I was

like, okay, but I'm not sure they'd want to fuck me. So what you don't know, mom, is that I'm choosing a place based on where I think someone would fuck me and so where did you go someone had said to me I used to dye my hair different colors a lot and someone had said like Gilly it's good you're not blonde right now because if you went to Italy they would really eat you up and I kid you not I was blonde within the next 24 hours and I was I slept with that man I like finally just said, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. His name was Harrison and his head was too small for his body, but he did the job. And I was in Italy within a month. I love this for you. You are a woman with a plan. Did the Italians eat you up?

They really did. And I let them. I let them. I love this. Did you fuck a lot in Italy? I fucked a lot. Yeah. I let them. I love this. Did you fuck a lot in Italy? I fucked a lot, yeah. In like weird places. I love this. Yeah, in shower stalls. What do you mean weird places?

In hostels. Oh. I hooked up with a man named Goon, which it's not funny to laugh at people's names because what is my name? My name's Gilly. That's silly. That doesn't mean anything.

But Goon is a funny name. Goon is a very funny name. And he had a condition where he didn't have saliva. And it was very difficult for him to communicate this to me through the language barrier. But then when I kissed him, I figured it out. Wait, Gilly, what the fuck? Dry as the desert. He had to keep sipping from a water bottle and i remember thinking like oh he like snuck some vodka into this bar and then we kissed he took a sip of water and we kissed and

it was like nice for one second and then it was like the tides changed and the water receded and it was like kissing sandpaper. It was so weird. And then he'd take another sip and it would be like, what you expect for a second. And then I don't know where the water went. Like it just went away. Okay. I'm going to ask a pretty personal question. Did he go down on you? He did not, but that would have been good. It actually might have felt amazing. Yes, that was my reasoning. Yes. Because if you're wet and like it's dry, he could use some of that moisture and then it wouldn't be super, there would be a little bit of friction. Extra friction.

So I think it would be very good. Wow. Okay. If anyone out there wants to give it a test, a little strip of sandpaper. Any DIYers who've got a sexy little strip of sandpaper hanging out now's your chance yeah slide into gilly's dm and be like guess what i have a dry mouth and a big old tongue to slap on you i have a feeling i'll then be texting you ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow, ow. You texted me when you were

in New York and you were like, I got a dick appointment and I was so excited and you completed it. Oh, wait, was this the first time? This was my first time since, yeah, the breakup. Yeah. Like new, new, first new dick in a long, long time. It was a great dick. Oh, I love to hear that. The guy, um, agreed when we exchanged, I had my profile set to here for a short time, but a good time, five foot 11 inches. And, um, Wednesday night I had a week in New York city. That is like getting to fucking business. And I love you for it here for a short time, but a week in New York City. That is like getting to fucking business. And I love you for it. Here for a short time, but a good time.

Tall as fuck. Do what you will with that information. A hundred percent. And I, oh God, Nicole, this is really, cause I haven't talked, I don't talk to people. And so like Betsy knows, like I've talked to some people, but it's like, it feels really good to get it out for people who are on my side.

I've talked to some people, but it feels really good to get it out for people who are on my side. So I was there for the premiere of the other two. And Helena York, who plays one of the main characters, I told her that I was thinking about doing this. But it was tripping me out a little bit. And it had been a long time and COVID. And I'm traveling by myself. And that I wasn't too scared or anything, but there's just sort of extra awareness you have to have. And she just fucking looked me dead in the eye and was like, do it. I love it.

I love a person who's like, yes, fucking pull the trigger. Get that pussy slammed. Get it. Yeah. She was like, and then text me when you do do it. And I don't know her super well, but I love her so much. And it really was the like, I kind of it takes a village for me. Like it helps to talk things out and hear someone be on your side in that way. So I just felt that confidence. And the next day I was like,

this is my one free night in New York. So as I'm like walking around Central Park, And the next day I was like, this is my one free night in New York. So as I'm like walking around central park, I am furiously texting on Tinder specifically. Just, you know, I think people can meet a boyfriend or girlfriend on Tinder, but it's just, we all know that that's where you would go for a one night only. And, uh, I had a lot of conversations going and then I would have to be like, sometimes they'd be like, uh, not tonight, but tomorrow you're gone. Goodbye.

I would be like, did you see how tall I am? And they'd be like, whoa, I'm 5'6". And I'd be like, I don't care. Do you? And they'd be like, eh, you're gone. Just like really trying to like enjoy my time in Central Park, but like get the guarantee. And this guy agreed to text me his vax card, the picture of it. Okay. She's thorough he agreed to

come to the lorry side where i was staying to find a place that had a patio uh and was checking for vaccine cards at the door and he very nicely did all of that and that was it he He complete, he beat the big boss in the video game and we got to fuck. I love this. This is a story of determination. Will, uh, just, I love it. I love it so much. And I love that he was down to be like, yes, I will do work as well. I will make this happen. Yeah. And that was more me just, um, how do you feel about safety when you're meeting a guy for the first time? Does that like cross your mind? You get worried? Um, it doesn't really cross my mind. Uh, other like, because I usually meet people in a very public location. Um, I've usually told someone that I'm like, I think I'm going on a date tonight

or tomorrow. Uh, so it's like, somebody knows where knows where I am. And then I don't bring them back to my house unless I have met them a couple times. That's a good call. Yeah. Yeah. Those are all like basic. They don't like ruin your time. Good things to do. I was just sort of weirded out. Like I'm definitely not going to his place and I do have a hotel, which is awesome, but that is like me shutting the door on me and a stranger. And I just, I like wanted to get a little time, a little face time to like help me get a little hornier for him. And that was a mistake. I should have maybe skipped that. Um, uh, he, he was like, mistake. I should have maybe skipped that. He was like, he almost lost it in the chit chat phase. And he, I was making the bartender laugh, but not making him laugh at all. Not,

this guy was perfectly nice. We're just so different. And like, he would say things that I think maybe were jokes, but I was like, wait, what? Like he would be like, well, mom and chicken. And we hadn't talked about chicken. So you'd be like, he was difficult for me to understand in one night. And he works in tech. So maybe he's just like a little bit, I don't know. I don't want to make assumptions about tech people, but like we, we weren't like clicking, but the bartender was laughing. So I was like, I know I'm doing a good job. And he went to the bathroom and the bartender came over with a drink for me. I hadn't ordered. And this has happened to me.

Really? This is absolutely happened to me. Although I wasn't making. So we were at a table and I wasn't making the bartender laugh, but I went to go get another drink. And he's like, how was your night? And I was like, I'm on a terrible date. And he went, haha, wait no so then he brought me two drinks like as i was talking to the person and like winked at me and then the guy was like oh do you know the

bartender and i was like yeah we go way back he's my good friend yeah we go way back it's not like i went up there and clearly in frustration said that I'm here with a stranger. Oh, I love that. That's a lovely thing to do. Just tell people what's going on. Yeah. Well, the bartender was, he handed me a drink and I just, I knew he knew what was going on because we were literally doing like, how old are you? This is clearly a first date with strangers. When the guy was in the bathroom, I was like, a first date with strangers. When the guy was in the bathroom, I was like, it's a Tinder date. And he was like, oh, I know. So if you're not having fun, I can tell him that you had an emergency and you needed to go. What a saint. I know. And he was really hot and I should have tried to fuck him,

but he was at work. So I know he was busy, but he just kind of gave me that out. And I just kind of felt like the world was rooting for me so I had I just like kept drinking we drank a lot of drinks because I just was like are we gonna click and then it just finally hit me like that was never what this was for clicking and we I brought him back to my hotel room and he he what what it did for me all that extra time was make me really feel like he wasn't going to kill me. And he was quite a bit smaller than me, both in height and just sort of stature. So all of that together, I just was like, it's time.

And it was really fun. Like first time sex with anyone could be bad. It is fun. But it could be very, it could go truly, it's never just like, meh. It's usually like, this was great or this was bad. Big extremes. Bad. And it's extra fun when it's halfway fun because you're like, can you believe it? Like, look what we're getting away with. This is amazing. And it was definitely one of those. Like, yeah, really fun. I bled, which is always a weird thing. And if a man is just like normal about it, they look like men.

You just seem like hunks and a half. If you can just be a normal human being about something that is biological and not our fault at all. Just part of nature. And if you want, we can talk about how your dick's so big. It made me bleed in my little pussy. But like, yeah, if you're inactive for a long time, it happened. I left a really good tip for the hotel staff. Oh, that's very kind of you.

But he did try at one point, the condom came off and he did try. He was drunk and he did go, oh, you just want me to put it in so bad. You just want me to put it in raw so bad? And I was like, no, it fell. Sex is so funny. That is really funny because he was like, in the moment, you want me to put it in so bad, raw. And you're like're like absolutely not it was really wrong of him like that's really not okay but it is also funny and like thank god I had my wits about me and I'm also on birth control and I'm guess who brought the condoms Nicole it wasn't you did

yeah that is another phenomenon that men do not bring condoms to sexual. Like even like I had a dick appointment. It was like I got a hotel room. This is right. Two weeks to the date after I got my vaccine. I made a dick appointment with somebody and they didn't bring condoms. And I was like, but you knew you. I told you we were getting a hotel room.

We like there was no question as to what was going to be happening and I every yeah every time I've had sex this year I've brought the condoms I am so angry hearing that I like really am attracted to men but I'm also really mad at them a lot of the time and it makes it hard to sleep with them but not so hard it's but still doable but like how rude the whole like sort of unwritten contract is that we have to deal with everything leading up to it and getting birth control which is a huge commitment the only thing you sorry motherfuckers have to do all you have to do is fucking bring a condom but also i wonder if he was gonna actually put it in you raw because that's rude you can't do that on a first encounter

it makes me think that that was his hope and then if i had said something like absolutely not he would have been like will you want me to go get some okay and i would have like sat nervously and awkwardly as he went to a bodega to get condoms. And I probably would have talked myself out of the whole thing and just like locked him out of the weird pod hotel that I was staying in. I once hooked up with a guy who came again to my hotel room. We were like hooking up. And then I was like, do you have a condom? He's like, no. And I was like, okay, so are you going to go get one? And he's like, oh, I'd have to go to the store.

And I was like, I guess that's what you're going to do. And then he left. He like truly seemed befuddled by it. And I was like, I don't I have a lot of casual sex. I'm not just going to let I'm not sleeping with random people with no condom. That's insane. This is for both of us. It's for both of us.

Like I'm befuddled. I'm totally, totally confused by this. It's so, it's like really rude. Yes. And then when guys are like, but it feels so much better. I'm like, sure. But also no. No, just like, like that's just not even a counter argument. We can't do that. Maybe down the line. Yeah. If I know you, we've both been tested. Absolutely.

What a joy. What a treat. It does. It does feel better. But like we're strangers. I don't need anything to feel better. I needed to feel just good. You should feel so lucky that a gorgeous woman invited her to your hotel room.

Like this is the fantasy. Oh God. Yeah. I'm, I'm furious. I also continue to have sex with him. We just put the condom back so as I'm like, I didn't really have time to think about how angry it made me until the next day, which is for his benefit. But, um, he like left, which is so great um yeah get out what like that's something i want to experience more yes i am a nice person but i'm not like a pushover um but i do like to make people feel good and and being like kicked out i was worried do you are you good at just sort of like and very good i I'm very good at, you know, it's getting really late, and I'm really tired. So you should probably go or I go

if I'm at their place. I'm like, you know what? That was fun. Gotta go. And sometimes I've had no sleepover. And I'm like, that was half hearted. Also, I don't want to bye bye. Oh, no, I'm rolling in my own covers and closing my eyes. Sleep. Oh, like, you know, no, no, no, I'm rolling in my own covers and closing my eyes. Sleepover. Oh, like, no, no, no. Bye bye. Yeah. I don't care. Get out. Yeah. It really helped too. Cause I think I thought because I really did enjoy being in a relationship, uh, this, this breakup, it was my second boyfriend ever. Um, which is a lot. Two is a lot, but I think two is a lot. I've never even had

one. Yeah. Especially five years. That's a long damn time. But I really liked it. It showed me the merits of having a boyfriend for the first time. I'm really good on my own. I have a pretty close knit. My mom, sisters, and dad all live nearby. I feel like love. I love my career so much. So being single is like fun to me. It's like an exciting opportunity. I really do see it in a positive light. But like building that friendship, relationship, like lover, the whole package, building that with one person.

This was the first relationship where I was like this is good i love that and that gives me hope yeah that when i finally get to build a relationship i think i need to remember that it's like it is a friendship as well you have to like be friends with this person and like like them fundamentally and it's not just about sex i think so that that's how i've always done it and now pandemic dating is just so fucking insane because like meeting everyone through ucb is that was that like a big hookup yeah i hooked up with a lot of improvisers yeah uh no not like stand-ups or anything but yeah just a lot of ucb new york used to be la people you know i have been trying to sleep with one specific stand-up for like eight years now. I need you to text me who this is.

I will. Absolutely will. Nice person. I asked him out once and he was like, I don't think we would get along. And like, I don't know how to say what he said as nicely as he did, but he said it nice, like truly trying to do me a favor. And it wasn't like him being like, I'm terrible. You wouldn't like, he just was like, I'm a pretty dark person. That's just kind of where I am. And you are, I really think you're funny and cute. I just think you're a little chipper and that maybe I'm going to depress you.

and that maybe I'm going to depress you. And I just was like, no, you're going to love it. Let's go on a date. Sometimes men will just tell you exactly what's on their mind and the truth. I tried to hook up with one improviser and he was like, I think you're funny and cute, but I think you just move too fast. And I think that's not good for me and I don't I don't want it and I was like but what if you did he did the right thing the thing that

no one does of like I'm telling you definitively the reason why and I'm not trying to hurt you but it's the truth and I'm making you confront it and we go I don't want to confront it hide it real quick we go, I don't want to confront it. Hide it. Real quick, we have to take another break. And we're back. OK, so, Gilly, what what advice do you have for me as a woman who is braving the pandemic and dating I feel totally unqualified to give you that advice I'm dating for the first time really in my life like before right the last like few months it was just drunken hookup uh and that I enjoyed. Like I've never, I've never like formally been like, we're going out to meet. I guess,

I guess what I would say is don't let them get away with being terrible at conversation. Okay. I think that's good advice. I don't know. I don't know. I just keep having moments where guys,

like this has happened a few times where guys on app dates at this point, I use Tinder and hinge equally that I'm not always sure. There's been enough first dates that I, they're like equally productive to, for getting a first date. They will halfway through be like, you're so easy to talk to. And I don't really have the guts to say like, you're not. And this is gross, but like, is it yes anding that we do so well? Is it just sort of in general being talkative people? I don't know. I think it's a combination of both because I went on a first date where I was like, yikes, I got to just keep this. Like I was talking about my closet at one point and I was like, oh, boy, I'm just really, really scraping the bottom of the barrel for this.

We're on fumes here. Put a little gas in the tank, please. Yeah, let's go to the fucking gas station and fill the fuck up let's go well gilly you are a joy to talk to we have come to the end um i asked most of my guests this i think i've missed it maybe three times but would you date me i would date you so fucking hard nicole i have answered this in my head every time I listened to one of your brilliant episodes. You are beautiful. You are curious. You like to grow and try new things. You are so hot. And yeah, I would, I would date you really hard if you were, if I were lucky enough for you to date me. But

I think I would try to push you into being in things that I wrote and we would get a divorce because of that. No, I love it. And let me be in all of your things. Thank you so much. Well, Gilly, thank you so much for doing this. I truly adore you. I love you dearly. You know that I'm going to text you more because I want to put the effort into seeing you more. Oh, me too. Me too. Thank you, Nicole. I'll also text you the name of that stand up because I'm not done yet. I cannot wait to learn who this is. Yeah. I think you'll be like, yeah, that's not a match. But sure. I feel like I know I might know who it is i'll let you guess yeah okay but i won't do it on the pod okay if you like this episode of oh i want you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on apple podcasts you could give it five stars if you write me something

nasty i will uh i will read it okay so oh wait that's not that's a bad one they're all bad well this one is a lady talking about her uh well this is I don't know why she said this but I'll just read it why won't you date me is the best I tee hee hee it makes me smile also

don't sweat not finding love I'm trying to get out of a toxic relationship of 17 years and nine months. This man won't leave my home. Oh, no. Which is like, oh, boy, I know that there's situations like that out there. But please, please don't. And then then they said, I just want you to know it could be so much worse.

Just enjoy your life and be thankful you're not in an awful relationship with a narcissistic man with hearts and prayer hands. So that person who wrote this and you're listening, I hope you got out of it. I wish you luck and joy and be safe. Oh, be safe. If you need friends to help you get out of it, get out of it. Yeah, that got a little heavy. So here's a nasty message. out of it get out of it um yeah that got a little heavy so here's a nasty message hi nicole my partner and i are a huge fan of yours and would be honored to host you in our

bed for a night of filth filthy passion i strip off your clothes and lay you down on the bed and go down on that goddess pussy of yours like there's no tomorrow my partner can suck on your succulent nipples and if you're up for it you can jerk off his uncircumcised pulsating cock i know you like a good pounding so once you've had enough i can take out a huge strap on him fuck you till you uh fuck you while you rub your sweet clit until you come harder than ever before when you're satisfied we'll have food deliver and eat naked in bed together till we pass out so that's a nice one that was a good one that one's like not one. That one's like not nasty. That one's just like nice.

A fun night where you get a little bit of everything and you get to rub your own glint. Yes, I get to do just a little bit of the work on my own. Well, that's it. Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross thanks for listening i love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you next friday with a brand new episode what a treat what a dream

this has been a team coco production