Wild Card with Rachel Martin - Aparna Nancherla doesn't know why she's here

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

Anxiety has always played a major role in Aparna Nancherla's comedy — whether she's joking about her internal preoccupations, or fighting stage fright. Her experience of living with anxiety and depression as a stand-up comedian landed her in the upcoming documentary, "Anxiety Club." She spoke with Rachel about growing into her rage and feeling godlike when she's alone. To listen sponsor-free and support the show, sign up for Wild Card+ at plus.npr.org/wildcard See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

What are you like when no one is around? Ooh. I think the funny thing about being an introvert is in your head, you're kind of like almost godlike in that I'm like, I have so much to say and I'm this huge personality. And it's all like contained inside. I'm Rachel Martin and this is Wildcard, the show where cards control the conversation. Each week, my guest answers questions about their life, questions. questions pulled from a deck of cards. They're allowed to skip one question and to flip one back on me.

My guest this week is comedian Aparnanancherla. As soon as someone, including me, I guess, imposes structure on myself, I'm immediately enraged that someone's trying to make me something. Aparna Nancharla seems to me like someone living between two impulses. One of them pulls her to stand on a stage and tell jokes and take up space and stand out, And the other pulls her in the opposite direction, inwards, into her own head, where anxiety is just waiting to regale her with all the worst-case scenarios that it's drummed up while she's been out being a famous comedian. Aparna has made her anxiety a big part of her comedy, which has landed her in a new documentary about the struggle that unites a whole lot of comedians. It's called Anxiety Club.

And I'm so happy to welcome Aparna Nancerla to Wildcard. Hi. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, I'm really. My anxiety. Oh, you bet. Welcome to both of you.

Yeah, we're both here. We're both here. Let's get to it. You ready? I'm ready. Let's do it. Memories. First three cards.

One, two, or three. Okay. One, two, or three. I'm going to go two right down the middle. Number two. What's a story your family always tells about you? Oh, okay. Well, when I was younger, I had a really.

I mean, I guess I still do, but a really powerful sweet tooth. And one story that my family always loves telling about me is that my parents once took me to a holiday potluck when I was maybe four or five, the exact age. I don't know. But apparently there was a big room full of desserts and like cakes. And, you know, in a kid's mind, it's like kind of, it was almost like a Disney movie. like every cake you could imagine. And of course I, like a small boy king was like, I must have a piece of each one. And I threw a huge tantrum, like rolling on the floor literally until my parents, because we were getting ready to go. And I was like, I must have a piece. And the hosts were kind of like, just give her what she needs. Like she's making a big scene. So I got a big takeout container of like literally a sample of each cake that was in the room. And then I somehow also. have a memory of waking up the next morning and I think it had all kind of congealed and slid into

one big lump and I was convinced I had been tricked somehow. That they didn't actually, they just like piled some slop like some old stew into a Tupperware and gave that to you convinced you. It was delicious cake pieces. Yeah. I don't know. The end part of it is really the telling part to me where I was like, you even got what you wanted and you still were disappointed. it. That seems to be a theme in my life. I'm also curious, you didn't eat the cake. You didn't just go home and eat the cake. Your parents were like, you can have this. We will, we will abide this. We will indulge this. But by God, you are not eating it before bed.

I think it was more that thing of like a kid is like, this is my life cause. Like, I am going to throw myself on the ground for this belief that I now am, you know, the only thing I'm, I've ever believed. And then, of course, I think I passed out on the car ride home to spend with my zealotry. And then, you know, woke up the next morning like, okay, now it's time. Okay. Three more cards. One, two, or three.

One. One. What's a piece of advice you were smart to ignore? Well, this one's pretty glaring. But when I started stand-of-comedy, I would say maybe within a month or two of doing open mics, this other comic approached me and was like, hey, I noticed like, you know, you don't do a lot of jokes about being Indian in your act. And I think that would really, like, help you out. And then he was like, I actually wrote some for you. And they were truly some of the worst jokes.

He was not Salvation. No. No, he wasn't in. No, of course not. No. Not that that would, I mean, I guess a little bit slightly better, but still offensive. But still, yeah. I think maybe part of him was like, man, if I were, I would be, you know, minding this.

Like what? Yeah. So I think part of him not being it fed into his like, this is a great idea. So. Yeah, the jokes were not the best. Did you make a conscious decision when you set out to not do that? Or it was just like these are things I think are funny. And maybe they have to do with me being from an Indian background and maybe not.

Yeah, I think for me it was like I have always been so internal and living kind of from the inside out, looking on the world that I often forget like how big a role identity plays and how other people see you. And so like my thing is like, oh, I'm just kind of a blob floating through the world. And I forget that about things like, oh, but you're also South Asian. And people think about that when they look at you. I mean, I think I've come into that more the longer I've done it. But yeah, when I was started, I was not really, I wasn't like, oh, I have funny immigrant parents and I should talk about that. Like my comedy was very much like, I'm a little bird that's never left its nest. done it. I'm experiencing the world for the first time and everything's crazy.

And also, I remember, didn't you do a line earlier in your career when you'd come out and you'd be like, I know, I'm surprised I'm a comedian too or something like that? Yes, yes. Which I think was feeding into, to me, that joke always I felt a love-hate relationship with because I think I knew sometimes people would be like, oh, a South Asian woman, weird. At the time when I first started doing it, but I always was like more thinking about it, my personality and like how how I relate to the world. Like it's so weird that I've chosen this field. But obviously they're going off of more like first impressions. Right. Outward. Yeah.

Exterior. So I think I stopped doing it after a while because I was just like, I don't know if I love what I'm saying here. And are you saying it for yourself or for someone? else. Yes. Yeah. Which is a big, you know, battle would stand up sometimes, especially when you're starting where, you know, you're trying to please an audience, but you're also like, what do I think is funny? And sometimes you're leaning more on what they think is funny. And I think ideally you're trying to get closer to what really makes me delighted. Yeah. Yeah. Are you more squarely there these days?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, even in just that, you know, you still have shows even as long as you've been doing it where they don't go well or the audience isn't really into what you're saying. And I feel like before I used to then scramble to be like, oh, maybe they'll like this instead or I'll try to lean more into what it seems like they want. And now I just, I'm just like, this is what I'm putting out there. And I think tonight we're just both going to have a bad. Let's pivot a little bit. This new documentary. It is called Anxiety Club. Do you see more people in your life, not just necessarily in comedy, but do you think your anxiety or knowing people with it, does it normalize it to a degree? Or does it still feel very particular and isolating to you? I think it does normalize it. but I do think everyone's anxiety is sort of like different genres because it's like sometimes

mine shows up a lot around performing or like work, whereas someone else's might be like, I think I'm going to crash my car every time I get behind the wheel. Like there's different strains of it and I feel like, you know, there's extroverted anxious people. There's introverted anxious people. So I think it's still, you know, like people discussing musical tastes. where there's going to be like varying opinions and things. But I think just the fact of being like we both have it is sort of like, yeah, we're both in this club and we understand the overall deal of how it goes. But then the details of it can vary, I would say, a lot from person to person.

Yeah. Yeah. Does it just seem to the layperson that comedians suffer more from anxiety as a proportion of the general population because they just talk about it more? because it's fodder for its material? Or is there something about comedy and stand-up in particular that attracts the already anxious? Yeah, I always wrestle with that question. And I do think maybe there is just facets of especially like a depressive brain, a neurotic brain, someone who thinks a lot about everything that just translates very well to stand-up,

because stand-up as an art form is essentially just turning over everything, like norms and things we really take. Like hyper observations. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of picking apart like, why do we do the things we do? So it's like one side of the coin for me is like, why do we, you know, get up in the morning? I'm going to write a joke about it because sometimes I don't feel like I want to.

And then the other side of it is like, why do I get up in the morning? Well, actually, why do I get up? Yeah, yeah. Like it's, yeah, it's kind of too. hats off the same impulse. Yeah. Yeah. You said that you do suffer some anxiety around performing, so it's not necessarily an

antidote for you. No, not for me. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think some people is sort of like the stages where they can let everything go. And for me, it's like up until I get on stage, it's kind of like, why did I do this? Where, where? How did I end up here again?

Like a little bit. It keeps happening. Yeah, yeah. Who did this to me? But really, you must have, you've developed tools or something has shifted. It can't be torture every time because that would be masochistic. No, no. I think it's, yeah, and I think it's more the like I don't want to let people down or like I feel something is off today and I'm not, I should have like, I would have been better if I wait. a day to do this show or something like I think it's always just kind of hyper focusing on the

negative is sometimes what anxiety does and I've learned to find ways to be like nope like yeah you might be a little off today and that's kind of just life yeah yeah well let's keep exploring these things okay okay insights okay insights insights three new cards one, two, or three. I'm going to go three. Three. What are you like when no one is around? Ooh.

I think the funny thing about being an introvert is in your head, you're kind of like almost, and I guess I don't want to speak for all introverts, but like godlike in that I'm like, Oh, I'm so charming and I have so many thoughts and I have so much to say and I'm this huge personality. And it's all like contained inside. And then I try to have like an actual conversation with a person and I'm like, I don't know what I ate for breakfast. You know, like it just doesn't always seem to come out the way it is in my head. So I feel like it in my head when I'm not around other people and I'm like, I just feel like I don't know. I almost feel like I

sound so grandiose but I'm like I just have so many ideas and I'm yeah it's almost like I'm picturing that I think it's from X-Men or something but it's like the person

who has telepathy where they're just like Jean Grey I think it's Jean Grey where she just like there's so many things coming into her head she like can't even handle it It's so much.

Like I sometimes feel like that where I'm like there's so many conversations happening in my head. I'm like can barely keep track of any of them. And that part feels overwhelming. Yeah. By myself. Yeah. But we started. That was an interesting answer because you started in a positive place.

Like when you're alone, you're like the queen of your own universe. You're the most charming person of all time. You're super smart. You've got all these ideas if people could just see them. Right. And but then you talk to your into it, but then they can be too much. And then all of a sudden it went from like a really good thing to be alone to like and now I'm overwhelmed by everything that's happening in my head. And maybe that's just the natural cycle of like introvert anxieties. Like you need to go away to restore yourself and then you can be the queen. And then after a while you're like, and now I got to get out of my head and get out of this room. Yeah. And actually like interface with with other people. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. Let's move on.

Three new cards. One, two, three. Let's go three again. Three. Hmm. I just like there can be a lot of answers to this question. What do you find yourself getting fixated on? Okay. I'm fast. Because my head is so busy, I'm like fascinated by. What is consuming other people? So I'm going to flip this one.

I mean, I mean so many things. So yesterday I was, well, is that getting fixated when you think you're going to die? Is that fixated? Great question, Regal. I would say yes. I would say philosophers since time and memorial and I would say yes. I am a little fixated on that. I was in, I had to fly from one city to another city.

And I'm on a plane and I've flown so many times like I used to live on planes for my job. And in my old age or maybe having kids or I don't know what it is, there was turbulence. and I thought this was it. I thought. And it was, I texted my husband and I'm like, I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but I'm really freaking out. And I just want you to know that. I was like, don't tell him, don't say you love him because that's going to be, he's going to think that you really are dying if you say I love you in this text message. So I didn't do that.

I can't believe you. I was really working myself up. And in general, I'm just, I have a real. I imagine myself, like, going down in certain circumstances where I've been, like, killed. Because somehow for me, imagining the worst case scenarios makes me feel better. Like, I'm prepared. Oh, yeah. I'm, like, saw myself get hit by that truck.

It's definitely, and I convince myself it's not going to happen. Like, if I can imagine a thing that's going to happen, then it's definitely not going to happen because I could imagine it. And that'd be weird if I imagine it. And then it happened. Yeah. So. I also thought it was so funny that you did not want to text her husband. I love you. You're still doing emotional labor up until you're final moment. Yeah, I didn't want to stress him out. I didn't want to stress him out.

So I really relate to that, though. I've become such a nervous flyer as someone who has also traveled a lot for work. And I just went on a flight with pretty bad turbulence or it was bad to me. I don't even know if I've just gotten more sensitive. And I had a middle seat, which never I try to avoid at all costs, but it was overbooked. And I literally spent most of the flight with my head between my knees. And I felt so sorry for the people next to me because I was like, this is not great body language. I did not care. Yesterday, I was audibly like, oh, I was like making old lady sounds. And I was like, I thought about the cool looking girl next to me. I'm like, she thinks I'm so dumb. And I was like, forget her.

I am just leaning into this. I am afraid. I'm just going to be fine with my fear. I mean, it's probably a bad sign that. Every time I sit on a flight now, I look at the people next to me and I'm like, how do we feel about dying next to you? I mean, if you're the last person I see, how is that going to feel? Okay, so you heard all my fixations. Yes.

Yes. What do you find yourself? Is there a pattern to fixation for you? Yeah, I mean, mine always just goes straight back to like the. big question of like, why am I here? What am I doing? Is that true? Really? You like get big, big, big. I would say every day in the afternoon, I just get a huge wave of like, what is the point of any of this? And sometimes it leans more into depression, but a lot of times it is just like, what are we all doing? Like, it feels like we're all in a big play and like nobody is like,

nobody is acknowledging that we're all just kind of like little pieces on a big board and none of this really matters. Like we're all, it's all random that we're all even here. Like I get so weighed down by that, those like big questions and then I can't like answer an email. Well, I can imagine that because those are big questions to swim around in on a daily basis, you know?

I know. And you know the way like, I guess it's like AI or something like auto guess is what you're going to write now like in an email or something. I feel like mine are just like, how are you? Why are we all here? It's like learned.

Oh, Parna, this is what she wants to say in this text message. What is it all for? Talk soon. We have one more in this round. Okay. Okay. One, two, or three. Let's go with one.

How good are you at making big life decisions? Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed at that. I just felt like we'd been laying the groundwork for a certain answer. Yeah, I feel like you got a little teaser of what I will say. But who knows? You could turn out to be a person who maybe is racked with all kinds of anxiety, but a byproduct of that is making like really impulsive fast decisions. I would say I'm not a great.

decision maker. I'm often, you know, feeling something in my gut, but then needing to run it by like three other people to be like, but what would your gut do in this scenario? Like, I'm always trying to crowdsource my intuition, which I don't feel great about. I feel like your intuition is your own and you should lean into that. But I wouldn't say I'm terrible. Like, I'll usually make the decision and then the work for me is not rehashing over and over again. Was that the right decision? Yeah. Yeah.

What's a big one you had to make recently that you can talk about? Hmm. What was a big decision I had to make recently? I think sometimes it just ends up being a work thing where it's like, should I? and this feels I feel like sometimes if you go into a career that's like

you know and I'm sure journalism is like this too where you can't always pick the circumstances so I think a lot of times it'll be like do I you know

go celebrate my mom's 60th birthday or do I agree to this show and I think those are the ones that really kill me because I'm like

I should go be with my family But the mentality in stand-up is like, you never know when you're going to be offered another show. I get this a thousand percent. I like left my maternity leave early with my second child because someone convinced me that this was the only chance that I had been asked to like sit in on some big show and be the host of some show for the first time. And I just don't know if they're going to ask again. I left my attorney. I mean, yeah, these things. Oh, I can't.

Yeah. So yeah. But I will say like when you, I've gotten so much more comfortable with being like, you know what? I, it's okay if I don't do that thing. And honestly, even if they don't ask me again to do it, I'm also okay with that. Like, I don't know what happened with getting older. But I think you hit your 40s and you are just like time is so limited.

And I don't know why I didn't acknowledge that sooner. Like, I, yeah, I would actually rather see my friend than go do a show for, you know, strangers than that may or may not be fun. Yeah. I mean, I think inevitably some of that comes with age. But some of it does come with some success, right? If you were to, it was harder, no doubt, earlier in your career. Oh, yeah. And so you can look around and be like, I'm good.

I like got to a certain point where I've got some credibility. built up in the industry and it gives you more freedom. And I think especially if you're like a woman in a male dominated industry or another like marginalized group where there aren't a lot of you, you really like feed into that belief of like, I don't know when they'll ask me again. They really like the data shows they may not ask me again. Like there's only so many spots. And so I think that compounds that kind of like scarcity mentality. We are now at the third round. Oh my goodness.

I know. It flew by. It did. It really did. Okay. Beliefs. One, one, two, or three. Let's do two.

Two. Are there any recurring symbols that show up in your life? Ooh. Recurring symbols. Man. I might skip this one because nothing. coming to mind. Fair enough. Skipped. Who or what is your moral compass? Ooh. I think I am generally my own moral compass, but I would say in recent years, one of the positive

sides of the internet, because I guess we can acknowledge there are some, is I just have learned a lot more to acknowledge what I don't know and like how there's so many experiences that are outside of mine that I could understand better if I just like learned a little about them. And I think that I think for me, my moral compass has shifted in the direction of like, it's okay to be wrong and to readjust things that maybe you took for a given when you were younger. or even last year. Yeah. Did your parents raise you with a pretty clear, articulate ethical code?

Yeah, I think there was a very clear right and wrong delineation. And I think I always was one of those kids who was very principled of like, you don't steal, you don't lie. Like, those are bad. Like, you have to be honorable. Like I think that was actually something I internalized very early, but I think now, now I feel a lot more nuance around those things where I'm like, well, if the system is rigged, then I don't know. If someone steals, you know, a piece of bread or something, like maybe they just needed it more than like paying for. I don't know. I think there's just more give around a lot of things that when I was.

younger, I was like, no, like a good person would not do that. Yeah. Is the mushyness of those strict ethical guidelines, does that add to your anxiety or your nihilism, if I could call it that? Yeah, I think you're right, because I think when you have such rigid beliefs or non-negotiables, it gives you a sense of control and it gives you a sense of like, if I just, do X, Y, and Z, I will be okay. I will be safe and the world will make sense. And when those things aren't given and they are mushy and they are gray, you can get a lot more in the weeds of like, but then I get this sandwich because I'm in a position, you know, where I was just given the right factors to get this. And why do I have it as opposed to this person? And so I think it can be

really tricky of like, don't turn this into navel gazing versus like you can show up in the world and do some good with the, you know, lottery ticket you've been given. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Okay. We're moving on.

Thank you for that. Three new cards. One, two or three. I will go with two. Two. Again, I think. What's the most religious thing about? you. Oh. Most religious thing. I will say I don't, I don't think I have an official OCD

diagnosis, but I am someone who really gets stuck in rituals where I am obsessed with structure in that I think I need structure because otherwise, like we were discussing, I get caught up in these big questions and then I don't do anything. and I get sort of, so I'm like, okay, if you make little schedules and to-do lists and you do things in a certain order every day, that'll kind of keep you moving forward. And that feels religious to you, just the structure and the habit of it? Yeah, I thought of ritual. Religion to me feels kind of like ritual. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think I went that way with it. But it's weird because I also have an impulse of like as soon. as someone, including me, I guess, imposes structure on myself, I'm immediately enraged that someone's trying to make me do something. Where it's like, you know, I'm like trying to meditate more. And now it's like, oh, I got to meditate for 20 minutes or I'm not going to be able to check that off.

And I'm like, I don't think that's how you're supposed to approach meditation. I'm going to say a thing that you're going to be annoyed at. but you don't seem to be like a person who outwardly rages. Right. Tell me I'm wrong. And how does your rage come to be in the world? I don't really outwardly. I didn't rage a lot when I was younger, but I will say, as I've gotten older, I don't know if it's, you know, paramedipause or what. But the rage levels have been way higher in just a way that's harder to tamp down or compartmentalize.

And, yeah, I started, like, screaming in my car. And I scare myself sometimes because I'm like, what did that sound come out? It's not even road rage. I'll just be, it's not even at another person. Oh, driving is incidental to the rage. Yeah, I'll just be mad. And I'm like, this is the only space in which I feel like I can safely do this. Oh, yeah.

Because it's like a safe space or just like sitting there. Yeah, because I'm like if I'm in a house, I don't know, my neighbor could hear me or something. But yeah, I guess maybe also on the road you're like, I'm sure everyone's screaming in their car. This is normal. But what are you so mad? What are you mad about? Some of it I don't know. I almost feel like is this a stage of life where like, you know, your hormones fluctuate and like everything you've been mad about just surfaces finally because you never expressed it fully earlier?

It's just like decades of grievances are coming out. Because sometimes it does feel like I'm an oracle and I'm channeling some sort of ancestral, you know, outrage. I mean, you got, then you need to let that stuff out. You do. I know. Because if that is true, if that's our operating thesis, this has been like decades or perhaps millennia of generational rage. Yeah. Then, you know, I don't, maybe it's perimenopause.

I mean, I blame so many things on perimenopause. But even if it is, who cares? You got to let that stuff out. I do too. You got to let that stuff out. I know. I know. And I grew up, I think, like a lot of people like just very uncomfortable around expressing anger, around seeing other people express anger.

And so it's almost like a new journey for me to own mine, but also like let it have some breathing room. Okay. Last one. One. Oh, last one. I know. One, two, or three. Let's go with one.

What truth guides your life more than any other? Wow. This one's a doozy to end all. Yeah, just get right in there. What is the truth that guides your life more than any other? I think for me, because I have a brain that oftentimes I'm like, like why was I given this brain? This doesn't always feel comfortable.

Sometimes it seems like counterintuitive that I should even exist because it's so often like is questioning why I do. And so I think I've one truth that I really fall back on is like with life, it's like you are given only so much time, but then you break that time down into moments. And each moment can feel so big or, you know, so fateful. And to me, I think what I really fall back on are like the little moments. Like I just feel like sometimes we're always caught up in the like, you know, the night I won a big award or like, yeah, like the night I, you know, or the morning I like tanked this interview or something. And I think for me, it's like the much smaller moments of like, oh, like one time I was walking in New York and this woman, this older woman was walking the other way and her shoe had come untied. And she was like, would you mind tying my shoe for me? Like, because she couldn't, you know, bend over or something.

And it was like the sweetest moment. And it just made me feel like so good that she even asked me. And then, you know, like, I don't know. it just felt, it feels like those are like what to me is, makes up a life. And so I think I'm always chasing more that than the big, the big ones. Yeah. Yeah. I so get that. I like live for those moments. Those little random moments with strangers. That's beautiful. That's such a beautiful I know. And that's the sort of thing we were talking about earlier of like being so lost in your own head. And it's like the way other people can break you out of that. And sometimes in such an unexpected way and like someone you don't even know, like that's so, so beautiful to me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Thank you. So we are at the end. And we end the show the same way every time with a trip in our memory time machine. You go. You go. And we go. And we end the show the same way every time. With a trip in our memory time machine. you go back to one moment from your past.

It's not a moment you want to change anything about. It's just a moment you would like to linger in a little longer. Oh. Which moment do you choose? That's funny because we were just talking about moments. Uh, I guess one moment I wouldn't mind going back to, and this feels a little cliched. It feels, I don't know why, but I... You're second guessing yourself, Aparna.

I know. I should stand firmly in my truth. I, one, my most recent partner, we're now separated, but we, one thing we used to do as a sort of ritual was that every, I think for our anniversary every year, we would go to like a botanical garden and do mushrooms and just kind of walk around and enjoy nature. We both love nature. stuff and I remember one time we we landed in front of sort of a secret little waterfall that we discovered at the end of a path and I just remember I was like standing in front of it and I just felt like such enormous peace and just like I could just stand there forever and would be fine if that was kind of it for me and I think I even like kind of raised my hands like I was like doing a vertical bow or something to this waterfall and I think I don't know that moment to me I'm always like, gosh, I just want to, just want to even get close to that again. I think peace is, peace is something that I'm like, that feels more something that I want

over happiness. Like just the feeling that it's like, okay. Whatever is happening, it's okay. Comedian Aparnan Ancela, you can see her in the new film Anxiety Club out August 15th, on the new indie film streaming platform jolt. Aparna, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. If you'd like that conversation, go back and check out my episode with actor and filmmaker Jesse Eisenberg.

Like Aparna, he is someone who has learned to channel his existential anxiety into making great art. His bit about using Chad GPT while he was ordering a bagel captures his entire personality in this amazing way. Definitely check it out. This episode was produced by Summer Tomon. and edited by Dave Blanchard. It was mastered by Patrick Murray. Wildcard's executive producer is Yolana Sangweni, and our theme music is by Romteen Arablewee.

You can reach out to us at Wildcard at npr.org, and we are going to shuffle the deck and be back with more next week. Talk to you then.