Wild Card with Rachel Martin - Michelle Buteau thought she was too happy for stand-up

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

When you see Michelle Buteau perform, she gives off a blended vibe of, "Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here!" and also, "Of course I am here!" Last year, she starred in the movie "Babes" and the TV show based on her memoir, "Survival of the Thickest," was renewed for a second season. Her brand new Netflix comedy special is "Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind at Radio City Music Hall."To listen sponsor-free, access bonus episodes and support the show, sign up for Wild Card+ at plus.npr.org/wildcard See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

Head's up, this episode contains a little cursing and a lot of sex talk. When has selfishness served you well? Oh, my goodness. Just being a, being a woman in this world wanting anything for yourself, we need to think that we are being our most selfish and we are like literally asking for the bare minimum. I'm Rachel Martin and this is Wildcard, the show where cards control the conversation. Each week my guest answers questions about their life, pulled from a deck of cards.

They're allowed to skip one and to flip one question back on me. My guest this week is Michelle Buto. Comedy is sort of a self-serving career, so every time I leave the house, I feel bad. I'm like, I'm so sorry I'm going to go live my dream. But then I come back, like, fulfilled. A stressed out TV news producer walks off her night shift and into a bar, where she tells jokes, and lots of people laugh. So many people laugh that after six years,

of leading this double life, she thinks maybe it's time to give the comedy thing a real shot. And she does. And it works. The end of the story isn't a punchline. It's the place Michelle Buteau finds herself right now. In this moment, on top of the world, are pretty damn close.

I should say she's also a mom to five-year-old twins, who for sure bring her crashing back down to Earth on the regular, but like in a good way. When you see Michelle perform, she gives off a beautiful, blended vibe of, oh my God, I can't believe I'm here, And also, of course I am here. That comedic combination has kept her quite busy.

In the last year, she starred in the movie Babes, and the TV show based on her memoir, survival of the thickest was renewed for a second season. Her brand new Netflix comedy special is called A Buttoful Mind at Radio City Music Hall. Michelle Bouto. Welcome to Wildcard. What a beautiful introduction. I mean, it's like you're an emotional accountant,

and you just read the receipts. And, ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. Those two wins ground me and, like, yeah, like nothing I ever knew. Are you ready to play a game? I think so. Okay, round one. Three cards in front of you, Michelle. One, two, or three.

Let's do, let's meet. I'm going to meet you in the middle, the middle one. So number two. What do you admire about your teenage sex? Oh my goodness I think To be honest What I really admire

About my teenage self is Like how grown But also like I was grown But I was also very innocent And pure at the same time My high school sweetheart Was this guy from Afghanistan That just moved like in eighth grade

He was my high school sweetheart I wanted to I was so religious I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex I wanted to convert to Islam So I could marry him to have sex But like I also like took this like I took his family.

I took everything on very seriously. So I was like very grown but also like innocent at the same time. He ended up having sex with who I thought was my best friend, this white girl with a bubble butt. And then I just went into like Anita Baker.

I went to Stevie Wonder. I was like a middle aged woman by the time I was 17. I'm like love, I've heard of it. And so I feel like Like, I lived a life. You know what I mean? I was like, too much, never too much, never too much. Like I was a girl, I was, I was like, Cal gone.

Come and take it, girl. So, that's like, it was never like a light and fun moment. What piece of that is like what you hold up with reverence or admiration? That you were just like. In it. I was in it. I was living in it. I was not scared to live life.

It was like, you know, the thing about loving someone, someone else besides yourself, being vulnerable is that you are open to being hurt. To be in love also means you know what it is to experience pain. And so I'm really glad that I had that moment when I was 17 and I gave years to him. I feel like I'm aging backwards almost when I'm just like, you know, like I ate the ice cream first. That's what I really appreciate about myself. Where's that guy? Where's that guy?

Do you know? You know what? He Facebooked me years ago when I was married. And he's like, hey, I believe in karma. My life has not been the same. My wife cheated on me and left me with our two kids. And I really feel like I need you to forgive me for my life to be better. Whoa.

Whoa. Yeah. So he wasn't like, hey, what's going on with you in your life? Like it wasn't coming on to you. He just needed this. closure for whatever it happened. Like years later. Wow.

And you know what I did? I hope you forgave him. I don't know. I never got back to him. And you know he saw it said, seen at the bottom of that? And I'll never go back to you. Oh my God.

Was that just question one? Okay. For moving along. Bump, bum, bum. Three new cards. One, two, or three. Okay, I'm going to go for three. Three.

It's a lucky number. What's a piece? of advice you were smart to ignore. Oh my God, lose weight. Shut up. People that tell you to lose weight are never a doctor. They never look happy. It doesn't look if they enjoy good food

and or have sex or how to orgasm without like a mirror. Stop. Like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Lose weight, people won't like you, love you, or you can get a job. Shut up. Not only am I going to keep my weight.

I might gain some weight. Okay? I'm going to gain some weight. and I'm going to create jobs and I'm not going to give you one of them. I'm just going to show you what it looks like to love my body, my double chin, my extra rolls, okay?

Did someone sit... My buckets of thighs? Sauce on the side, you can't afford it. So sorry. People actually said the words who... I don't know. I'm into it. I'm here for the ride, girl. Someone said to you the words,

because there's lots of ways to put that forward. You know, passive, like, mm-mm-mm-mm. But did someone say the words to you? You will be more successful if you lose weight. Not only have people said those words to me. Let's say, family members at dinner parties. Don't eat that. You're going to get fat and no one's going to marry you.

College professor, when I told him I want to be a journalist, an entertainment reporter, he said you're just simply too fat to be on camera. Casting directors. quite honestly, culture and society. Because if I don't see myself, then you're saying that something's wrong with me, and that's why diversity matters is not just a hashtag. If you see it, you believe you can actually be it. Because you're like, oh, there it is, and here I am.

But if it's never there, then how do you know that you can even knock on the door to say, I'm here? So that's why it matters. But like, did you come out that way? Because you're saying even your family told you this. So was there a moment when you made the choice to be like, I'm not going to listen to this? Because that's hard. I mean, I think I played the game for a long while but didn't like truly believe it. Do you what I mean?

Like I play like, okay, I'll listen to you. Yeah. You know, because I have to. And I, and, you know, I believe them in terms of like, well, I don't see me. So maybe I'll just like do my own thing and be happy over here. But like I never believe them in like I have to. you know, um, starve myself, you know. Yeah. And, and the thing that really, um, you know, the straw that broke the camel toe is I like to say, is, uh, my wedding because all my friends are like,

you got to diet, you got to diet, that's what you do. And I was like, why? And they're like, you just got to do it. And I did it and I lost a lot of weight. And I was like, this doesn't feel good. And I miss turkey bacon. And my dress was too big and kept falling off of me during my other daughter dance and all the dancing. And then I literally had like some tequila and a potato and blacked out for the rest of my wedding. I'm like, why? Had I been pre-gaming? I already found a man that's going to love me no matter what.

What am I doing? And that's when I was just like, no, I'm not listening to you guys anymore. And I just kind of slow, it wasn't like I woke up one day like in a Rebel Wilson movie. I'm just like, you know what? No more. That was a really good movie. I don't remember the name of it. But I had a camera.

you. The point is. It's just... It's hard to sleep. Okay, before we get to round two, I want to talk about your new special on Netflix. Congratulations. This is a huge deal. Yeah. And this is hard to believe, but you are the first woman to record a comedy special there in that esteemed venue, right? Yeah. You know, at a certain point when you're making history, you're just like, really? Really? Like, it doesn't even feel like you can celebrate it that hard because you're like this should have happened.

But I feel like that happens with everybody making history. Is that we've just sort of like let BS happen for way too long. And so, you know, and the comedians out there know this, you get two shows. You know, you get a late show and an early show. And then you get to edit those two shows together and get the best of the best. Well, you know, Radio City Music Hall is a little over 6,000 seats. And so I did not have the bandwidth to do two shows. So I was like, I do the one show.

And I tape it like it's a live show. And the great thing about this is also the scary thing. And that's also like the same thing with like anything. It's like we are way more ready than we think we are. You know, you just are. And I do love that people prepare and overprepared, but you've been preparing your whole life. Doing stand up for like over 20,

years. I've been doing stand-up when Taylor Swift was wearing her hair curly. That's how long I've been doing stand-up. Okay. That really places it for me. That really is a worker. Do you know what I'm like, it's scary, but that's what made it fun. And we need to take chances on ourselves. And we need to create our own platforms when given the opportunity and also give ourselves license and opportunities. So I'm like, let's go. What am I going to wear? An amazing suit with really great shoulder pads. You looked amazing. Thank you so.

There's this old trope of the stand-up comic. Like a cynical, usually, like white guy. And a little misanthropic, perhaps. Equal parts, self-loathing and egocentric, magically. Yours is not that. It's like the opposite of that. And that is a very intentional choice. I mean, yours is joy.

Can you talk about how you made that choice? I mean, I think, you know, I had like coworkers when I first started standup tell me like, you should do stand up and I'm like, I should not. Because I would go to shows and everybody was like so unhappy and they didn't have sex and they had no money and they're always high or they couldn't get late. And I was like, I love money. I like being happy. I like good food. I like sex.

Maybe this is not for me. Maybe I'm too happy for this. But I was like, you know what? After sitting through shows, I want I want someone to feel like they are like also living life. I want to be inspired. And so I'm just like, there's all different types of music

and there are going to be different types of comedy. Yeah. I talked to Alana Glazer for a recent episode, your friend and co-star from Babes. So good. she said to me that the two of you talked about stand up as an affliction though yeah what about it feels like an affliction which is not necessarily a positive word it's not but it's like once you know once you name the thing then it's easier to

deal with it and make it a superpower so I have anxiety I found out later in life that I'm dyslexic but it's a superpower because now I can read your script, make it my own. Everyone's like, she's so natural and off the cuff. I'm like, yeah, because I cannot read what you wrote. So I'm just going to do it my way. And people are like, oh, man, I'm just like, yeah, call me the big titty, Ryan'sie, Chris. That's who it is.

I don't know. But like, yeah, when we talk about stand-up, it is an affliction, you know, when people, especially younger comedians, are like, how do I make money at stand-up? I'm like, well, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. You should not be doing this for money. You do it because you love it. And there's something that, like, drives you to that stage,

that microphone every time. Whether you've bombed, you got to get back up there and see if you could do it again. Whether you are testing a new joke and you get chuckles, you want to get back up there and make it a belly laugh and then like an applause break. And what do you want to say that hasn't been said by you and like other people? And so like there's this like this affliction thing that like you just, you have to keep going back for more. And that's the exciting part about it too. It's just like, you know, instead of looking at what's wrong with us, like you should be thinking like, damn, how do I make this into a superpower? Period.

Okay, we're moving on. We're back in the game. Get back in it. Okay, Shaq. Round two. Three new cards. One, two or three. I'm going to go one this time.

I don't think I've asked anyone this question before. Oh, boy. What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Definitely getting married. Whoa. That's crazy. That's insane. I don't just the whole thing of it yeah

yes like I don't know you but more than having a baby well that was really crazy too because we did IVF for five years and I had a lot of losses and then we had to go down the surrogacy route yeah so that was pretty insane but like also

like it was just one of those things where it was like one of the hardest moments of my life and the most lonely because I had no one to talk to like I didn't know it like everybody was either deep in IVF didn't want to have kids at all or just got pregnant naturally. And so I didn't, and everybody was like full of advice that was useless. And so I just really wanted somebody to say, I'm sorry you're going through this. And like,

like, just give me a hug. And even like when my kids were born, I was like, I just kept praying. Like, I hope I walk away with two heartbeats. Like, I hope I were. And so like that was absolutely crazy. But I have, if I have to think about like the person, my partner, my man, that I'm like on this journey with where like anything can happen in life. And so it feels like, you. your, the floor is like gone under your feet or you're just tumbling or you're like the at the top of like a roller coaster in life. You're like, how do I just, I just want to go to the part where I get down and like, no, I'm okay. You know, to like have a person to do that with is fucking special. Uh-oh, you can bleak me. Fucking special.

And so just to, I met my husband out of a one nice sand to be like, I don't know, you seem pretty pretty great. Like, you know, I just, you know, I just kind of followed my instinct. And I was like, I don't really know you, but all I want to know is, I just, the only thing I know is that I want to keep seeing you. Yeah. Tomorrow and tomorrow. And he was in Amsterdam. I was in New York. We had no money.

We would, like, get miles or, like, go fund me's and, like, try to see each other. And I was like, I think I want my face to be in your face for a very long time. And that's all I knew. Yeah. And there was, like, no red flags for me to be like, mm-mm, you know. If there were no red flags, what felt risky about it? Because what if there is a red flag later? Yeah, yeah.

What if you're waiting for the other shoe to drop when you're in a relationship? You know, sometimes you're just like, is this going to be really good? To be honest, like my high school sweetheart. Yes, I'm not going to say, what if it cheats on him with big bodice? Because there was a long line of cheating. And that's why I put cheating in the first episode of Survival of the Thickest. because I was like, oh, I really know what it's like to kind of like rebuild your life from this horrible moment. But what happens when you, I saw this quote on Instagram.

I'm sorry, everybody, but here we are. Okay. It's good. The quote is the tools that you needed to thrive, the tools that you need to survive will not be the ones you need to thrive. So you have to also learn how to be happy. Stop picking the scab, you know? And so I was like, oh, this is, sometimes like at my husband, I'm like, this is really crazy. I can't believe we were still doing this.

It's been 16 years. I'm like, can you want? You know, it's crazy. That was what? Like, I didn't even know that you could, like, still want to have sex with somebody past, like, five minutes. Do you what? You could still want to have sex with that person, like a decade later? That's great.

Like, people trading cars faster. I don't know. Okay. Last one. In this round. One, two, three. I'm going to go number two. I'm sorry.

No, wait, number three, number three. Oh, my God! Okay. This is a good number. Damn it. I want to ask both. Okay, fine. You pick three.

Ask both. Espo. I'll speak it quick. Okay. When has selfishness served you well? Oh, my goodness. Just being a, um, being a woman in this world, wanting anything for yourself, we need to think that we are being,

are most selfish and we were like literally asking for the bare minimum. So like all the time, you know, when people are like, what do you want to do? I'm like, make money. I want to make a lot of money. I want to make a lot of money. I want to like take care of myself. I don't want to wear. I want F you money.

I want my kids to like understand how hard it is to like make money but like appreciate it. Like and be okay. Like what are you talking about? Yeah. Selfish. Very selfish. Women and children first. I don't know.

Also, like, comedy is sort of a self-serving career, so every time I leave the house, I feel bad. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm going to go live my dream. But then I come back, like, fulfilled. Yeah. Yeah, the mom guilt is real. Yeah, no, but don't you also wish that for your kids? Like, I think it's few people that get to do a thing. Work is work.

Most people just got to go and you got to do it and you come home to your family and you have a life outside it. To have a job that you love is a special thing. And it is. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. Yes. And if you can uplift people at the same time,

go, what you're doing, go pack that bag. Yeah. You gave me the right to ask you this other one, so I'm going to. Oh, no. Because you picked it first. No, it's good. What's your shortcut to a good cry? It doesn't take much.

You don't need a shortcut. I don't need a shortcut. Yeah. Like, you know, when I get into politics with people and they're like, the emotion out of it. I'm like, if you're not emotional, then you are also part of the problem. Yeah, everything. I mean, like, when I think about my friend Peppermint, who is a beautiful black trans woman in my show, and every time she gets, she, like, I've seen her give a speech, she's like, you know, statistically, I'm in my 40s, right? And I'm not even supposed to be alive as a black

trans woman. That makes me feel horrible. You know, um, there's so many things that will, like, me there, but I'm just like, yeah, I think more people need to feel their feelings. We get caught up in the technology and the day to day and what we're going to wear and who we're going to be. And it's just like, have you ever just sat in a room and thought about all the shit that your family's had to go through so you could be here? We're going to round three. This is the last round.

All right, here we go. There's three more. Oh, red cards? Oh, my God, it's so interesting. It's like a skittle. It's so interesting. The rainbow. People have that reaction.

Okay. Okay. I don't want to, we're going to do three. I don't want to disrespect. three, let's go three. One, two, three, three. Yep. What's a place you consider sacred? Oh my goodness. Um, I mean, what do you, like my home? My home. Yeah, my heart. My mind, get out of here. If you want to disturb my peace, you have to go. We just have to go. And even if we're blood-related. but by

I have too many important like my kids are so amazing and I work so hard to have them like I can't be worried about you

and I have to be good for them how do you keep that in your home like do you actually do I'm a defender yeah and comedy helps in what way

it's sugar with the medicine you know yeah I'm going to tell you how I feel about what you're doing and that I can't do it, but, you know, maybe later I can, and I might, you know, either start with a joke or end with something funny. So, you know, you don't feel as bad, and maybe I don't feel as bad either, but you got to go. Can't do it?

Can you tell me about your house? Like, do you have a particular ritual with your family that keeps it feeling? Yeah. Sacred? I mean, you know, I really pride myself on being the fun house, which is great. Because I grew up in a very Caribbean household where it's like a lot of parties and families and dancing. And so I love that. And so we make it a point to have people over like once a month or something. But, and a lot of people, you know, like 40 to 80 people. Because, you know, yeah, we have a beautiful.

community and now people are sort of like, you know, in relationships and have kids and dogs. And so we, you know, my husband and I were sort of like community organizers. And so we have parties. But, you know, it's also nice to have like a friend over for dinner once in a while. But for the most part, like we have dinner together every night as a family. And that alone is a big deal. Yeah. We were really hard for all those plates to make it to the table. If it's for seven minutes or 30 minutes, we're doing it, you know?

And it isn't always like romantic. We don't go around the table and be like, what was your thorn and your bro- like, we don't do all that. You know, it's just like, can you just eat your broccoli and tell me what happened at the playground? If a kid eats their broccoli, I think that is sacred. I think that's a sacred act. Same.

Sam. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. Three more cards. one, two, three. Ooh, number two. Do you think there's any part of us that will live on after we die? Yeah. Yeah.

Of course. I mean, I host this barbecue show on Netflix called Barbecue Showdown. And what I really love about people from all walks of life that come in with recipes outside of, like just in their brain, it's always like a grandma, great grandma. You know, it's it is passing. It's what the ancestors wanted, right? They're passing down culture and recipes and, yeah, and it's up to us to, you know, song to still celebrate them and keep doing them and alive. And so whatever that is, it's like, yeah, we still can. We can do all of that.

Repeat a joke or a story, a dance move. It's like, yeah, we can do that. We could still live on. You were raised like in a church Very. Very churchy. Yeah. Very churchy.

And how are you still churchy? No. Do you think there's a God? I do think there's a God. You do? I do. I do think there's a God. There's a higher power.

There's something. There's a vibration. There's something. I don't think that all these things in the world have happened without like some sort of like. There's some sort of higher power. I have no idea who or what. But yeah, because I feel it. I feel it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm flying. I feel like I'm flying, you know? It's like it's fun and it's good and it's powerful. But I couldn't tell you what it is. Couldn't tell you what it is. And I'm just like, we need to update the Bible. What are we doing? We update our phones and Simulac more than we update the Bible.

We're just going to believe these motherfuckers back then? Come on, no. That's crazy. That's such a game of telephone. That's not nice. Do you still hold that they're in that Catholic tradition, there's an afterlife? Like the thing that lives on after we die is you in heaven. That's the Christian belief.

Is that something it resonates with you? or no. I do think something happens, but I have no idea what. I don't know what. You know, I do believe in energy and spirits. There are too many coincidences for me not to think that someone's trying to tell me something sometimes. Yeah. But, yeah, I'm not going to.

Yeah, I don't like really subsidize. subscribe to the whole, you know, there's three levels, like, I haven't a purgatory in the hell. Like, I don't know. I don't know about all that. But that's just me. And here's the thing, too, I want people to be happy and I want them to be full. So whatever you believe, I'm with you on that. The minute you start saying we shouldn't do something and someone shouldn't live their life and it makes them happy or they shouldn't exist, then we got to talk. We're not talk at all. Yeah, I get it. Okay. We're at our last question, Michelle.

Oh my God. You answered all of them. You still have a skip and a flip. You don't have to use them. I'm just reminding you. Especially in the last one. Okay. One, two, or three. Oh, no. That's so hard. I'll give one a little love. Okay. What feels unreachable to you? What feels unreachable? Nothing. Nothing. I mean, like, even in the deepest, darkest moment of, do I have a life-threatening disease, can I beat it?

You fight, you fight, and you really try to make a miracle happen. So I feel like unreachable, that is a word that people, will tell you to make it easy for them. But you dig deep and do whatever the fuck you have to do to make whatever the fuck needs to happen. Happen. We end the show the same way every time. Trip and our memory time machine. You pick one moment from your past

that you would not change anything about. You just want to linger there a little longer. Oh my God. What moment do you choose? I think the night I met my husband. You know, it was the end of the night. It was my last stop. I was already on a bad date, and I was like, forget this guy.

It was a place called Bemba in Brooklyn, which is like a free joint. I don't know if it was free anymore, but it was free back in the day. And you go and dance and you pay cash-only overpriced guava drinks or whatever and have some dudes with, like, accents spin you around and be like, what country are you from? and sure enough met some white boy with a strange name

who spun me and stepped in my feet and I remember like it being dark and he had a really cute hat on and he kind of was giving like a ghetto Bruce Willis with like a booty

I was like what is this? I'm so confused I am so quick with like Andre Agassie I was like I don't you have blue eyes and dimples you smell like a pack of cigarettes but I still like it

very confusing. I remember like the smell and like the feeling, but I wish I just like could remember like the songs and like the dances and like, yeah, I wish I could live there a little bit longer. But, you know, we've had a beautiful life. So just a lot of other moments too. Michelle Buto, her new Netflix comedy special is called A Beautowful Mind at Radio City Music Hall. Michelle, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. If you liked this episode, and I hope you did, check out my conversation with Catherine Hahn. She told me at this point in her life and career she feels more powerful than ever, which is very much the vibe that we got from Michelle. Talking with both of them was genuinely inspiring and just a completely good time.

This episode was produced by Lee Hale and edited by Dave Blanchard. It was mastered by Robert Rodriguez. Wildcard's executive producer is Beth Donovan. Our theme music is by Ramteen. Louie. Reach out to us, if you would, at wildcard at npr.org. We'll shuffle the deck, and we will be back with more next week. Talk to you then.