Wild Times: Wildlife Education - A Heinous Hippo, Animal Murder Mystery, and Forrest's GQ Interview

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

The guys discuss how they're staying sane during Coronavirus quarantine. After that, Forrest recalls a story involving angry tourists and hungry hippos. Long time friend, Maverick Alexander drops by to make fun of Forrest for a while (check out his podcast). And... An animal murder mystery 2 hours outside of Los Angeles needs solving. Plus you don't want to miss this week's "Battle Royale!" Finally, the crew resolves a HUGE controversy surrounding Forrest' GQ interview.

Welcome back to the wild time. There was a fucking war between a bobcat and a squirrel on your porch as you slept off your 17 jack and cooks. Oh goodness. He was thick when he started like real juicy. Hello. What's up? Patrick. Peter, how are you guys doing? I'm doing as good as can be in this quarantine.

Terrible. I think I'm going crazy. That's why I introduced the podcast like that. Yeah? Is it starting to get to you? Off the rails? I mean, to be fair, I haven't been saying to start with, but it's really digging that hole a little bit deeper right now.

How so? Like, run me down. Yeah, I think, you know, I've decided to not shave at all. This is my quarantine beard. Yeah, it's getting real bushy. Food sources are getting limited to the point of, we're basically just eating things that I have in the freezer that I foraged and eggs from our chickens and fruit from the garden.

Yep. Just feeling a little bit feral overall. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of mushrooms too, yeah? Yep. Yeah, that's my bit of sanity has been going up into the mountains and picking chantrelles while they've been fruiting.

And it's been great, and I'm covered head to toe in poison oak, so that part doesn't help either. That's horrible. Send a nice warm bath. That'll take care of it for you. Yeah. Yeah, just leach it out. But no, look, to be honest, things are not that bad.

It's not terrible. I would like to get back to travel. I'm, I don't do well sitting in one spot for weeks on end. What are you guys, you guys been watching anything now that we've gotten through Tiger King twice each already? I started Ozarks. It's excellent. Yeah. Okay. I was thinking about it. Have you tried it? I did like four episodes of season one and then I got distracted, but I want to go back to it. It's worth a revisit. Rep, have you watched it? I did. I watched season one and then, uh, only a couple in season two, but I've heard season three, it gets real good again. It's really good. And I did not know

that Jason Bateman had that kind of range as an actor. I thought he was just kind of a goofy, silly guy. He's fantastic in it. And he directed most of season one also. No, he's awesome. Yeah, no, that shows great. And as I sit here in quarantine, scratching my skin off from all this poison oak, it makes me think that I need to get into money laundering. Just like when I was watching narcos, I'm like, oh, okay, I need to be a drug dealer now. So when I'm done with this, you know, I'm thinking money laundering is probably my new trajectory. And it may need to be, because who knows if cable television will still exist at the end of this. Exactly.

We've been watching movies on iTunes. Watch Father of the Bride part one and two a couple nights ago. Good little Martin Lawrence, right? Try... Steve Martin? The fuck is this name. Steve Martin, that's it, my dad. They're pretty similar.

Wow. Same guy. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, Steve Martin. And then last night I watched the new Juilliardt. Umanji film. Ooh, Jumongy too. Even Jumangier?

I think it's called. Yeah, it's called. No, it's the second of the two new ones that feature The Rock. Yep. I've seen it. Who's the other main character in that? The tubby guy. Kevin Hart and Jack Black.

Oh yeah, Jet Black. Yeah. It's great. It's a good watch. I thought it was fun. I watched on the airplane getting kicked out of Indonesia and laughed pretty hard. So there's a scene in the, once they go into the video game, into Jumanji, where they disturbed this big hippo that's in the water.

And it comes out and it's angry and they fight it off by throwing fruit at it. Would that work for us? I was curious, yeah. What does the zoologist think about that? Yeah, no, that's your preferred method. It's the tested and proven method. Yeah, yeah. No, everyone knows.

If I'm not mistaken, Patrick, is that, it's like Jack Black. He's standing in front of a pond. screaming and the hippo starts, yeah, okay, I remember that. Yeah, look, hippos are terrifying. In my humble opinion, they are the scariest animal on the face of this earth. They are completely unpredictable, they're erratic, they're aggressive, they're territorial. And if a hippo is angry at you, I don't think a brick wall is going to stop it, to be quite honest, let alone a few pieces of fruit. Sounds like Peter's ex-wife. Hey, man, you literally going to just steal my joke. like that. Get your own ex-wife, mate.

So wait, so you would be more scared forest if a hippo is kind of eyeing you versus like you're, you're 40 feet down on a free dive and you see a great white shark. Well, look, here's the thing. I have had experience with both animals and the hippos of the maybe 10 close intimate interactions I've had with them, two times they've tried to kill me. Great white sharks have never tried to kill me. So I, yeah, no, I am very scared of hippos. Wait a minute. Let's hear about one of these crazy experiences.

Yeah, sure. Well, when I was a young boy at one point, I was taking these two French tourists on a canoe safari. What was that? Franch. Fronch? So these two, I was 14 years old, and I was one of the youngest people to ever lead an international canoe safari because I'd been training for many years under my mom and their business of safari guides. and I took these two French people on this canoe safari,

and they were paddling down the river, and they weren't listening to me because I was a 14-year-old boy, kind of rightfully so. And so they started cruising ahead in their canoe, and I could see they were going right towards a shallow area where there was a known pot of hippos, and the hippos start to sink under as they do when canoes approach. But you see, when a hippo can submerge itself fully, it feels threatened.

And when they're, yeah, and when, so if you can get over the top of a hippo, where they can fully submerge, they're fine. But if you get to an area where they're just stuck below the surface, especially when they're in a big pot, in a group, they feel very territorial. Anyway, these two just ignored me, completely started paddling right towards the pot of hippos. I was like yelling at them, screaming at them, stop, stop. And, you know, he was twirling his mustache going, ho, ha, ha, ha, I would not stop.

That's what they always do. Well, he's French, so, yeah. No, but, you know, they were just... That's crazy already, though. Yeah. So they were just ignoring me, I mean, trying to get close. close, trying to show up. So I paddle as fast as I could and went to cut them off. And as literally, I put my canoe sideways to try and cut them off to make them turn towards a deeper water. And

within five, ten seconds of doing that, this hippo just came up underneath, smashed the canoe up using the top of its head, started chomping, nailed the front end of the canoe, and I went flying into the water. And this is in the Zambezi River, which they say you can line the banks of the Zambezi head to tail with crocodiles. There's so many in there. So hit the water. Jesus, how are you still alive? Well, I'm part Jesus, actually, because I ran on water when I hit it. I was so scared.

And, yeah, barely crawled out and, you know, got the canoe back and whatnot. But it was really, really scary. And that's just because I was too close in a canoe. And the other time, I was with my girlfriend at the time walking in the bush. And we came over this little, like, a hill to look down onto a shallow. pan, which is like a shallow pool, and there's a big bull mail in there wallowing, but we had taken his game trail down to see it, and he saw us and got startled and came straight towards us. Is he running or walking?

No, came out of the water to take, because we were between, we were in between the small pool and the river. So he came full charge, 40 miles an hour running straight at us, jaws open, huge tusks showing, and I shoved my girlfriend behind the termite mound and grabbed his attention and then dove to the right behind a tree and he had his mouth open and missed me by about two feet and just kept going towards the river. So it was really intense. Like I do not like hippos. They're really, really scary. Jesus. Could you smell its, could you smell its breath? I could feel the heat from it. It was so close to me. I could actually feel the body heat and the breath of it. It was so close to my,

I guess, the left hand side of my body. Here's an ignorant question from a guy who doesn't know anything about science, would the hippo actually eat you or would it just like trample you to death? Well, they have incredibly strong jaws and huge tusks. So they'd actually kill you by crushing you to death. They will not eat you. Hippos or herbivores, they only eat vegetation, but they absolutely will kill you out of a territorial display. They're a disgusting animal in a lot of ways too, right? Very cute, though. What's the thing they do with their tail where they spin it around like a fan and spray shit everywhere? Yep, they sure do. So when they defecate, they only defecate above the water and they literally turn their tail, as Patrick said, in a fan, which sprays

shit all over the place to mark their territory. They're big, they're fat, they're greasy, they produce their own type of sunscreen from an oil in their skin. But really funny, they're actually like really lovable and cute. Like I know a couple different people that have hand raised them. And if they're hand raised, they're like fantastic pets, like really adorable. And I'm not promoting anybody go and get a hippo, but, you know, hippo king will be the next documentary that we make. But yeah, but yeah, they can. can be really sweet. They're just a really nervous, jittery animal, and the wild ones are very, very territorial. They're really scary. Well, man, we're lucky to have you here alive when you were

crazy. It's just crazy. Got knocked into a crocodile infested, hippo infested river so you could save a couple of tourists, man. You're a good dude. Yeah. And French tourists even. Yeah, the worst kind. I mean, if people heard that, you know, hear the hippo story, they're going to think you're pretty cool guy for us, just all around. I hope so. That would be nice. Have you always been like pretty much just like what you would describe yourself as an all around cool guy or what? Uh, yeah, look, I think, I mean, I think I was always a pretty big wildlife nerd, but, uh, you know, hung between the eight and the 10 status, I would say. Real, real, real arrogant callout. But yeah, I think I've always been relatively cool. Well, we have someone on the line. I think he just popped on that I'd like, I'd like to talk to

about this actually. Uh, patching him through. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? Alex Graber. What's up, guys? Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Welcome. What's up, Graeme? Thanks for having me on. I don't know what your podcast is about, but I appreciate that you loop me in. It's a hot take.

Forrest, who is this man who's talking? Who is he to you? Alex Graber is one of my longest time friends. He was the president of our fraternity at UC Santa Barbara. Just a generally wacky dude who's a lot of fun to hang out with. And I'm sure going to knock that 8 to 10 rating down to about a 4 to 5. Was he, so Graber, Forrest was in the fraternity that you were the president of or not quite? Absolutely not.

No. Are you kidding? Like, no, Forrest was the, he was the cool guy who showed up to the parties that, like, nobody really had any problems with. It's like, oh, yeah, he's good for the house. Like, let him in. Let him in. You know? But he didn't, he would show up, but he didn't, like, pay dues or anything like that.

No, but, like, almost too respectful of the house. and women. Like, he's just, he's a gentleman. Forrest, why didn't you join the fraternity? Why didn't you go through the whole pledging process and all that? I was rushing. We had to do Hell Week and freshman pledge for my rugby club or for my rugby team at the same time that all my friends rushed SAE.

So I just skipped all the rushing, did one rush with rugby and then just showed up after that to be like, hey, guys, I'm here now. Graber was with us, Peter. He was with me and Forrest, came and helped us out on a shoot when we were looking for the Rocky Mountain, Southern Rocky Mountain Wolf. That's right. Up in the snowy mountains. I was the shoot.

Are you an animal guy, Alex? Yes and no. Like, do I know scientific names? No. But do I hang out with cool guys who are associated with these animals? 100%. He was instrumental in this shoot because it was mostly a night shoot. He was leading some just monstrous workouts for the cast and crew every morning.

Nice. Mostly forearms. Dude, I'm all forearms. And like, no shame. Pat, you know, you got to shave them up and grease them up and you go out in public and then you find like a doorknob and you just open it repeatedly and you get the muscles, you get striations going. Pat, I know because you've sent me the videos, maybe these other guys don't know, but it's good looking. Alex, when you hit us up, you basically said that you're responsible for all of Forrest's success. 100%.

Tell us a little bit about that. Alex Graber Life Coach. Yeah, yeah. Well, okay. So here's the deal. So Forrest was on Extincter Alive. and like, God bless his courage to reveal the body. Naked and afraid.

I know where you're going with this. The body he was rolling out for that show. Oh, goodness. He was thick when he started, like, real juicy. And then, like, and then at the end of it, he was still kind of juicy. And I'm like, dude, if you're going to make this a career, like, we, we should do some stuff about this. So I'd been a gym goer for quite some time, and I just kind of looped him into it. And then we started going, and Forrest didn't know anything.

But he would just show up in his like really, really high rugby shorts, the kind that are liable to like spill a ball at any second. Like that was his vibe. And I was like, I was like, you know what? You're going to be okay here. Graber, let me, when you saw him on Naked and Afraid, which I actually still haven't seen his episode, Describe his body to me. What animal did it look like? It was just kind of this amorphous blob, but there was so much.

There was just, but at the same time, like, there were still females hitting him up on Instagram after that who were like, I want to fucking, I want to finger your belly button. Gross. I'm into that. There's, you know, there's gals who are into that body type. And you know what? That's okay. I'm more into his charisma, not his body type.

Let's be real hair. Were you confident in your naked body when you went on the show? Obviously, you were. Well, let's be clear, I put on a bunch of weight to go survive and had just come back from a long trip. But no, I knew I looked bad. That was the point, right? You're living off fat stores.

It was great. I mean, it wasn't. But how about your partner, Cassie, who is just a run-of-the-mill piece of trash, who just did not contribute in the slightest. You're out there with your diving mask like spearfishing and she's like, I want a fucking diet cat. This is bullshit. Yeah, she was a nightmare. So Forrest, not to segue too much, but you had plenty of food on naked and afraid and they edited it out, right?

This is one of my favorite behind the scenes stories. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is, no. So I had more food than I could ever eat about halfway through, not even, about 10 days. No, like a weekend. I found a patch of wild yucca and dug up 30 pounds of root vegetables and had this mountain of potatoes in the tent. And the producer was like, God fucking damn it. And the producer came over and was like, yeah, so we're going to have to take this away.

I was like, cool, go for it. I'm just going to dig up more. And the more you take it away, the more I'll go and get. And eventually, after arguing, because I was like, this is supposed to be survival and I'm loving it. The producer was like, fine, we just won't show it on camera, just hide it all. I was like, all right, deal. Wow, a little behind the scenes. So that makes sense.

So you were eating jungle potatoes the entire time. That would explain your fucking body. Oh, my God. I always have a crazy time when I hang out with him. There's not a single time that I've hung out with him that we haven't done something like really stupid. You know, whether we're going out into the Santa Barbara Mountains and like, you know, practicing our bow hunting skills for the apocalypse. Right. Forrest is going to do fine.

I'm not. And like, listen, I could practice for years. Like, the thing is, like, Forrest is very coordinated at stuff that most people aren't. So, like, I'm decent at basketball. Forest is good at, like, gutting tuna. Like, I just, I don't know. Like, it doesn't really compute. But I love hanging out with the guy every time that we get together.

It's just, it's fucking, it's absolutely magical. It's lots of fun. And Graber, thank you for coming on here, embarrassing me. being a part of the podcast. Oh, also, by the way, if you're going to comment on iTunes, which we are begging you to do, let us know if you loved

or absolutely despised Alex Graber, and that'll help us decide how many times to have him back. Maybe it's a weekly segment. Maybe we all just defriend him and block his number. Well, that was fun to hear about some of your less cool stories for us,

but we have some breaking news, so this just popped up, as we're recording this, seven tigers at the Bronx Zoo were displaying a dry cough and they have tested positive for coronavirus. No way. Yeah, that's, that is being reported widely as we speak. Seven tigers. That's terrible. Now I got to be worried about my dog getting it. Well, what's, really weird about that is we, so coronavirus is a zoonotic disease, right? Meaning it came from mistreated wildlife. But in order to get from the host to us, it had to go through a animal that mutated the virus enough that it could affect human beings. So the idea was we couldn't

really give it back to our animals because it would have to go through that vector again. It would have to go through that intermediate host. And I doubt that's the case here, right? Because it's not like these tigers were kept in wet markets with cages of urine and blood on top of them. They were sitting in a zoo. So somebody probably coughed in this tiger's face or whatnot, and that's led to this thing having coronavirus, which could mean that the virus is either mutating and becoming more contagious or, you know, we just don't have a good understanding of it. Literally two days ago, I posted on my Instagram telling people like, hey, you know, as far as science knows so far, we cannot transmit it. So don't worry too much about your dogs and cats, but sounds like I'm wrong.

Holy shit. Well, it's a, yeah. I mean, it's like this ever-evolving thing. Nobody knows shit about it. That's why it's so scary. Is there any chance that, like, the zookeeper might have fucked one of the tigers? Peter, Peter, way in on this based on your, uh, you know, general pervertedness.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, that's what I was thinking, first and foremost, is that somebody just hopped in the cage and fucked a tiger at the zoo. Okay, but all jokes aside, do you know that one of the, I want to say it's AIDS, one of the most widely accepted theories about how AIDS came about was from people in the Congo having sex with monkeys? Oh, yeah.

Once again, humans are terrible. Just kidding. Yeah, they're great. Is it bad? I mean, I'm probably going to upset some people. Is it bad that I'm, like, more upset that tigers can catch coronavirus than I have been about most of the cases I've heard about so far? I don't think it's that bad because I have the same feeling, but I think it's more complex.

It's like, it makes it just feel worse because now there's this potential of like, oh, God, my cat, my dog, who the fuck knows? Right. It's like the compounding nature of it. Yeah, because it's scary if you think about a virus mutating to where fucking zoo animals are getting it, like Jesus Christ. On a lighter note, you guys see this thing about how they figured out that if they put LED lights on the nets to catch fish, that it basically prevents 70 to 80 percent of dolphins and turtles from getting caught in the nets,

just by putting some lights on there. Probably not that I should be very pro this, but it probably increases the fishing, too. You know, when you go out fishing at night, you run a little light off your boat, and it brings bait fish in, which brings bigger fish in. But it absolutely makes sense. You know, marine mammals, cetaceans like dolphins and whales, they're some of the smartest creatures on Earth. So if they're going to see that, if they're going to see that light and they're going to know that

behind that is a net, they will absolutely avoid it. And that's like one of these little things that can make a huge global impact to buy catch. God, I hope so, man, because I love turtles. And I've always been so fast. Why are you so obsessed with turtles? First of all, a sea turtle, and I'm sure you know more than me, but I believe they can live like hundreds of years. So I've always just been absolutely fascinated by animals or animals.

trees that have been here since the Civil War and shit. I don't know. I just love them. That's it. I like that. I'm on your team. I have 13 turtles at home. They can live between 30 and 50 years. It's not quite hundreds. Well, sea turtles, though. Can't sea turtles live into their hundreds? No, so sea turtles are the ones that live up to 50 years. You might be thinking of giant tortoises, which can live up to like 120 years, like the one that Patrick and I found in the Colophagos. Oh, I hate turtles. Fuck them, man. So we're going to try a new segment called Animal Mysteries. So one of our listeners basically sent me an email.

She lives in Lake Arrowhead. They're in quarantine, her and her husband. And they are currently, obviously bored out of their fucking minds and trying to get to the bottom of an animal mystery. And they're fans of Extincter alive. And they want your opinion on this. Great. Lay it on me.

Detective Forrest Galante. I'm on the case. Forest, animal detective. Here we go. Here is the email. I'm just going to read it. Hi, Forrest, Patrick, and Peter. I live in Lake Arrowhead, California,

and have an animal mystery that needs solving. It's driving my husband's... I don't know why she used his last name. It's driving my husband, Scott Sage and I, crazy. Yesterday, we were recovering from a night of boozing at home, hung over in bed. Around 10.30 a.m., we heard a loud thump coming from down. As Peter opens his 17th white club.

I was getting a little sound effects. Around 10.30 a.m., we heard a loud thump coming from downstairs. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen. So I saunter downstairs to find the kitchen window smeared in blood. What? Nice. The blood smear is at eye level, about five and a half feet elevation from the deck below it. All right.

I'm going to stop there. Yeah. Okay. So far, here's my analysis. They're upstairs, and a bird flies into the window at top speed. It happens. It happens. Yeah.

Instantly killing itself, leaving a smear of blood as it goes down the window, and the dead bird happens to be lying below the window. Hmm. I like that theory. Okay. So then it continues. Scott, apparently Scott Sage is his name, then went outside and looked around, finding what appeared to be a blood bath. Blood all over the siding and the patio furniture.

Oh, wow. Then, inside a small box that's sitting on the ground about five feet away from the window, he finds... Forest, what do you think it is? It's got to be a bird. A dead squirrel. Oh, what? Get this, she continues. Get this.

Its head is crushed in like a grape. I hate this mystery. I hate this. So we've got a smear on a five, a window that's five and a half feet off the door. the elevation of the deck. Right. Yep. Five feet away from that is a crushed-headed dead squirrel,

and there's blood all over the patio furniture and the siding. Forest, what the fuck is going on? Boy, this is some real CSI stuff. There's more to it, but I want to see where you're at right now. Okay, so here's where I'm at. So obviously the bird hypothesis is gone. We know it's a squirrel. Right.

A squirrel was involved. A squirrel was involved. Here's the thing. if you run at full speed into a wall, you will not kill yourself, right? If you give yourself full speed run into a wall, you will bounce off that wall. This is a dead crushed squirrel. So here's my hypothesis thus far. This squirrel was not running.

It was being carried by a bird of prey. It bit the bird of prey's leg, thus making the bird of prey release it from a high distance, which allowed it at its current trajectory and speed to smash against the glass window five feet up from the ground, not near any bushes or windowsills. This bludgeoned in, said squirrel's head. It hit the ground with nothing but adrenaline coursing through its veins. It crawled towards the patio, bleeding out as it went,

and somehow crawled into the box to die. Fascinating. Let me read you a little more, because the plot. does thickens her. Wow. We initially thought maybe a bird dropped it. It was day, so we figured it wasn't an owl. But, and this is a big bud, there is an awning above the window that extends out about six feet.

So something dropped from the sky probably wouldn't have contacted the window to make the blood smear. What the hell could have happened, she says, and that's the end. So now there's an awning that six feet horizontally. horizontally that would preclude something from the sky hitting that window, wouldn't it? It would. To me, to me that my theory no longer makes sense. Oh, boy, this is a real mystery. All right.

Let's think about Lake Arrowhead. What kind of fauna do we have up there? So Lake Arrowhead, beautiful area, it's about two hours outside of Los Angeles, maybe a little bit less, up in the mountains. There are black bears up there. Clearly, there was at least one squirrel at one side of time. Yep. And all of the other regular native California wildlife.

Boy, oh boy, this is quite something, though, because my theory, although wacky, kind of made sense until the six foot awning. Yep. You know, now, what, is the red-tail hawk that's carrying the squirrel flying below awning level and somehow flinging him towards the window? What about a land animal?

You think it could be like, I don't know what lives out there. Yeah, could have been like a raccoon that was, that they were fighting and then the raccoon flung it? There are two animals that prefer to prey on squirrels. I'm assuming this was a ground squirrel being that it was in Lake Arrowhead, but not necessarily the case. Either a coyote or a bobcat had caught this animal, this squirrel, near to the window. Except, as we all know, dogs don't really play with their food the way cats do. So I'm going to rule out the coyote and say that we're down to now a bobcat has pounded.

has pounced on the squirrel right next to the window, has flung it as cats do. But the squirrel was not dead. So it was torn open and injured. Bleeding out of its head. However, the flinging it made it bash its head in. I think it was probably already torn open. The blood smeared down the window.

It continued to crawl onto the patio and die in the box. At which point, what was our listener's name, the husband? Scott Sage. Scott Sage came running down the stairs startling the bobcat off into the woods leaving behind nothing but a murdered squirrel.

Animal mystery. I think that's correct. I think that that's the winner. That was like the end of a game of clue where Colonel Mustard did it with the monkey wrench. Okay, so that's it. That's the answer from world-class biologist Forrest Glante was that a there was a fucking war between a bobcat

and a squirrel on your porch as you You slept off your 17 Jack and Cokes. Yeah. That is my best analysis of what possibly could have happened. And then there's also the, I'm going to give it a 3% chance that just some like fucking random tweaker just gunned a dead squirrel against their window. They were using, Peter, what was your, what was your weapon of choice, your fancy catapult from a Trebusier, my friend.

They were using a Trebusier to launch squirrels at Scott and Kristen's house. Tre Bouchet. Fuck you, Peter. Hey, that's unnecessary, man. You know my Tre Boucher lion would kill you. French bullshit. Yeah, fucking mustache twerler. Look, let's, hey, I like that segment.

Scott and Kristen, thank you for writing that in. Glad that your fans loved it. Any other murder mysteries, that was a lot of fun. Send them in our way. Dude, Animal Mysteries is going to be a new, it's going to be a staple, me, thinks. Yeah. Animal mysteries.

You guys think about. That, huh? Light bulb. Forrest, I think we go up there and make a little mini documentary for our fans. Just do a little 30-minute video. It could be really funny where we reenact stuff with a squirrel and like a stuffed squirrel. He's hopping along. He looks up to the ride.

If you'd like to see that, let us know. And we'll do it. Peanuts, here, something's in the bushes. You guys should do it as a puppet show. Just do it as a puppet show. I think it's time, guys. I think it's time. for what?

Battle Royale. Oh, yeah. Everyone's favorite time. I've got an idea for Battle Royale this time, guys, that I think you might like. I was thinking about it. Let's have it. Because I oftentimes like to ponder myself on death row. You know, I don't want to be, but it could happen.

You get a last meal. Okay. And from what I've heard, they spare no expense. You are entitled to what you, if you want lobster, you get lobster. What is your ultimate death row meal? You get one appetizer, one main course, one dessert. Oh, man, this is coming down to taste. This is going to be a hard one to win because I have exotic tastes.

It's okay. Just to assume that anything you want from anywhere in the world is available. Yep. I would like Peter, who's our most rotund member, to go first. Thank you. That means around, right? Yeah. Wait, are you calling me fat? Yes, I am. Not at all. And I think that will shine through in my selection for my last meal.

Now, so it could be anything. It doesn't need to be a particular lunch, breakfast, dinner, anything like that. No, but it should be food. For my appetizer. I'm going to be pretty traditional here because I really do like this and I get it whenever I can. It is calamari. But good calamari. I mean, it's standard. It's traditional. I'm not going to leave myself open to a bunch of fat jokes. Is it fried? He wanted mutterolid.

Yes, he did. I want 13 pounds of calamari in fried. Are you dipping it? Are you dipping it anything? Yeah, there's got to be a real, like a marinera and maybe a butter sauce. I don't think I've ever done that, but maybe it'll go. Not ranch. I'll take some ranch with that.

So you want to eat for your final meal, an animal that's smarter than you? Yes, yes. And, but that's just the appetizer. So I, I'm- He just got hungry. I just saw it in his eyes. He just, he said,

because he's thinking about how to get calamari. I watched him wipe a little bit of drool from the corner of his mouth on the Zoom call. Like Homer Simpson. But, so gross. That's my appetizer for the main course. So no limits, nothing.

And I'm dead serious with this selection. Oh, And I'm not going to go through each item, but I'm going to get a thousand dollars worth of Taco Bell. Oh my God. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. I want six of every single thing on the menu, including all previous items that are no longer available. Disgusting.

You realize that all Taco Bell items taste the same? They're just slightly different configurations of the same ingredients. Plastic cheese. Yeah, it's plastic cheese and cardboard meat. and reconfigure. They're so good, though. God damn, you Taco Bell. Yeah, but I mean, you know, I do pretty much that anyways.

Just not $1,000. It's usually like 20 or 30. Which is still like 75 items from Taco's tall. It is. I got receipts to prove it. Are those getting expense to the podcast business? Now they are. This is all a write-off now that we've talked about.

It's research. Until they're our biggest sponsor. Let's talk about. It's all next. All right. So now you've got to get a little sweet bite in you before you get killed. I've never been a big dessert guy, even though my physical appearance would show otherwise. But so for, honestly, I think I wouldn't eat any of the appetizer or any of the dessert.

It would just be all the Taco Bell I would eat. Sure. I'm going to go with just traditional cheesecake, but, you know, a full cheesecake. Like the most rich, rich cheesecake you could think of, you know, not like one of these pussy-ass fluffy ones. This is like going to be like a dense brick cheesecake. Where it's all butter and cream cheese. Right, where it would be impossible to poop out, but I'll be dead, so it won't matter. There is no theme to this meal.

Like from Calamari to Taco Bell to cheesecake. I am not a chef. I couldn't put together a menu of my life depended on it. There is nothing but. combative flavors from every single bite in this meal. And White Claw. And White Claw. Don't forget that. Oh yeah, you got to wash it down with something.

Yeah. Yeah. Forrest, you're an international man of mystery and whatnot. What's your take on good old American cheesecake? Oh, it's great. Cheascake's delicious. Oh, really? Okay. It's not my go-to dessert, but I mean, if you want to eat a brick

of Philadelphia cream cheese smeared with sugar with a cookie crust, why not pretend it's a cake? When you put it like that, I sure fucking do. That's great. Well, neither of you guys can use my items, right? Of course now. Of course now.

That's right. So we all know you want to talk about. Pity, because, you know, $1,000 of Taco Bell was the first thing that came to my mark. Pay for? Yeah. I'll go next and I'm, unfortunately, Forrest, I want to go next because I'm worried you're going to take at least two, if not all three of my items. I know at least one of yours. Without any doubt, I know one of you.

Okay. That's so cute. You too. Yeah, okay. Let's see. Let's see if you're right. All right. So for my app, I want to whisk myself back to my childhood, have some fond memories.

It's warm. It's like the soup course, right? It's like eating a nice soup that's not quite soup. I'm going to have a bowl of SpaghettiOs with Franks. Nice. Nice. Nice. Although, I mean, gross, but okay.

Last meal on earth, a bowl of sodium. A 99 cent canned food. That didn't even run out. you guys had some chef boy rd honestly 25 years ago yeah no it's it's been it's been a minute all right so the little cut-up franks are nice it's a nice bowl of soup um so i'm gonna start with that next i am going to a pizza a pepperoni pizza this is it but get this i'm getting it brought in from pizza hut and it is going to be a large stuffed crust pizza oh i like it i like it that big on on the the hut, huh, over Mr. East Coast hoity-toity pizza guy going for Pizza Hut, huh?

Yeah, here's why. Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizzas. So basically what they do, I had a friend who worked at Pizza Hut, and I was like, give me, this is more important than the animal mystery. How do you make the stuffed crust pizza? Right. They literally take string cheese and they place them around the edge of the pizza and then fold it over. No way.

Yes. That's like a trade secret, breaking trade secret news on the water. I'm going to get sued. It's so good. The reason I don't eat it in my normal life is because... You don't want to get as fat as me. No, it has nothing to do with that. You're guaranteed to spend half of the rest of the next day on the toilet.

But since I'm going to be dead in six hours, I'm going for it. I like that that's one of the outcomes that we're both like, well, if we're going to die, I'm just going to eat something that would basically stuff me up for the next three days. Yes. If the chair doesn't kill me, the meal will. Right. The shame from eating this meal will easily kill me. All right.

What do you got for dessert there? All right. So the first two were kind of childhood favorites. Now I'm bringing it to the new school adult Patrick favorite. I'm going to have, it's a two-parter, a warm, blondie brownie with a big old scoop of rum raisin ice cream. Oh, man. You and your rum raisin ice cream. What is with you?

you, man. He loves it so much. Get out of here. You had bubble gum. Forrest, you got bubble gum ice cream in the Galapagos. Yeah, I did. And it was really gross. By the way, a zillion times better than anything with raisin in the name. No, I mean, I shouldn't have even made fun of him for the rum raisin because I ordered bubble gum flavored ice cream. Like a seven-year-old.

No, no, man. Bubblegum flavored things are dope. I will give Forrest credit. We were getting ice cream when we got the day we got off the boat in the Galapagos. We went to a little ice cream stand after we had five or six drinks. And we all ordered, I got rum raisin, which I was made fun of for. Forrest went last, and just with a very chipper little smile on his face, he went, One scoop of bubble gun, please.

It was mostly for laughs, and then you licked the cup. Very endearing. I ate the whole thing. All right, so that's your inner child. What are you going to wash it down with? Be heavy? No, honestly, any meal, any meal is enhanced. the thing that enhances any food you eat the most is just a nice big goblet of red wine.

Cabernet Sauvignon. Fuck yeah, that's what I'm doing. Yeah, you like your wine. Everybody, yeah, very haughty. It's a good meal. It's a fine. SpaghettiOs, are you kidding me? A good meal.

You're going to have wine with your spaghettios. Don't try and get votes, my tab. I'm getting all this bullshit for my deliciously well-composed meal while Pat's over here with Spaghettios and Cabernet. Your one and three were really good, Peter, but $1,000 of Taco Bell is disgusting. I know, the main is important. All right.

International forest, probably all foods that he would have eaten in Zimbabwe as a child. Go ahead. Oh, yeah. No, mine, God, I shouldn't. I'm going to sound like such an arrogant, like, wealthy prick when I say mine. If you say caviar, I'm slamming my laptop closed. It's not. It's close, though.

Podcast over. My starter is my favorite food, oysters. A dozen ice. Ice cold oysters as my start my starter. I love them. Come on, man. You're going to be, why don't you have like a thousand? Three dozen. Three dozen. Fuck it. Who cares? Well, let me ask you this real quick. Do you like the bigger ones or the like the smaller like the kushi or the those ones? The blue points. I like the, there's a medium size one. I don't know my oyster species well enough. But there's a medium size one that's like it's very white. It's kind of firm. I recognize it if I saw the name on a menu. But I don't like the ones that are giant globs of snob. I don't like the ones that are so tiny that you feel like you didn't actually eat anything when you ate it.

Right. Right. So, yeah, I'm kind of a mid-ground guy. So oysters for the appetizer are nice and cold. Three dozen, three dozen oysters. Bed of ice, like really, really jugeed up. Good call. For my main course, I have to go, real traditional meat and potatoes guy here.

Filet mignon, surf and turf. Filet mignon with some lobster, a Yorkshire pudding, and, and, some, if you don't know what a Yorkshire pudding is, it's like this English baked thing. It's delicious. Salty, though, it goes with steak and lobster. Salty. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

It's kind of like a baked bread smeared with butter. Steak and lobster, baked bread, some mashed potatoes, and some cream spinach. Like, real, real hearty steak and potatoes. Yeah, I know. I'm starving. I feel like you've thought about this before. No, this is all happening right now. And I love pizza like Patrick, but I knew he was taking pizza.

Yeah. But, yeah, it's going to take a real. We were going down, you know, we were going down adult lane. We're going to take a hard left on childhood here for dessert. Okay. A giant bowl of Lucky Charms with Whole Milk. Oh, you're a son of a bitch. You just got the vote.

It's so good. You are going to win. It's so good. It's a little purply green milk. Oh, whole milk, too, like real heavy stuff. Oh, it's so good. That vitamin D whole milk, man, I didn't even know that existed until I was 17 and I was like, what is this?

This is better than breast milk. Just kidding. It's disgusting. And you were still on the breast at 17, if I'm not the sake. I was on the breast until I was 36. I'm really 36 now. I'm pretty annoyed because I feel like I was easily going to win. And then when you busted out Lucky Charms with Whole Milk, I feel that you are going to win the listeners vote. No.

Well, that's because our average listener is nine. That's a good point. That's a good point. Listen, Taco Bell for the win, clearly. Everybody has got Taco Bell on the brain right now. one of the only restaurants to still be delivering, advertising, hardcore. Vote for my... Shut!

Not an animal, but vote for my meal. Oh, my God. You're the worst. You're a sellout. What are you talking about? I... What am I even winning just statist amongst you two? Sure.

Because I'm like, I'm like low man. No, look, hey, you're a hot guy, right? Like, there's a lot of you to love here. Even I laugh at that. That's nonsense, sir. There's a literal ton. Wait, so what are we given away? This week, we'll be giving away.

two copies of Alex Graber's book, Darbyshire, or whatever the hell he said it, Darby Shire. It is very funny. It's an incredibly offensive political cartoon that's a social commentary on today's society. It pulls from extreme left, extreme right. If you take yourself very seriously, don't watch it or don't read it. I mean, it's really aggressively offensive and I think it's hilarious. So we'll be given away one copy of version one, one copy of version two. And what do people have to do to be eligible for the drawing forest? You have to go. onto iTunes, leave us a comment, vote for whose meal you like the best,

and tell us what your favorite prison meal would be seeing as we went down that road. Is there anything left? I feel like that's it. We've covered all the bases of meals. We have covered them, and mine was easily the best. It's not even close. And not one of us said a vegetable, by the way.

There were no veggies in this. Taco Bell has lettuce in it, I think. By the way, my fiancé, Christina, is tiptoeing by me right now with our dog. little does she know what my plans are for dinner tonight after this discussion. Which is an extra large stuff-cooked pizza. There's zero quite. I would rather kill myself than not get that.

Oh, man. Dude, you're going to have to send us a little clip of that for the viewers, the listeners, dude. I'm sure they'd love to see you put together that pie with string cheese and real time. I'd like to see you on your couch resting the pizza box on your stomach shirtless. Just feeding yourself slice after slice. Honestly, though, the real problem is like, thank God we have three bathrooms here. Because honestly, if we do that, if we go down this road the way that we are going to, we won't be able to be on the same floor tomorrow.

Yeah, so did you guys hear about this article, Domestic Cats Kill 2 to 10 times more wildlife than wild predators? It's crazy. You know, in my field with regards to extinction, it's very widely known. And let's be clear, this is not to just rag on Patrick as the only cat owner in this group. This is, you know, this is for everybody. Outdoor cats, outdoor domestic cats are really, really hard on the environment.

They kill a lot of native species. Okay, so let me ask you this for us. What is your guess? And I'm setting you up to look like a fucking fool. So keep in mind, there's 300 million people in the United States. Yep. Most of them don't have cats. Right.

How many birds in the U.S. are killed by domestic cats each year? I would say over a billion. Can we all take a guess, though? Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead, Retepe. Well, he said a billion. He's a scientist. I'll go with a billion and one.

It was going to be 12 until I said a billion. Between 2 billion and 3.7 billion birds in the continental U.S. each year. Holy crap. I mean, that's an insane statistic. Like we cannot be murdering birds at the rate of a billion annually. Well, we're not. Pets cat is. How about 3.7 billion?

That's bananas. You got to get rid of that cat, dude. Shut your... But dude, that's 12 birds killed by cats for every human in the U.S. That's nuts, man. That's insane. That's phenomenal. There's billions of birds.

That doesn't even account for mammals and reptiles, you know. You can only assume it's probably greater for the... those groups because they can't fly. Like, imagine how many mammals and reptiles. Let's just say they're all four billion each, because that's just a bird stat. Right. You know how many lizards your cat drags in every year if you're someone who has an outdoor cat at home?

Like, add up the reptiles and then add up the small mammals. And you're talking about tens, if not 20s of billions of animals killed annually by your cats if you let them outdoor. Well, when you... They are fantastic hunters. It's unbelievable because, like, I look at my cat and she's basically just a fluffy indoor cat that can't do anything but butt her head into your lap. But my, like, I think about my dad's cat, he lived in Key West.

The cat's full-time job, 16 hours a day, was just dragging dead shit in and leaving it at your feet. Right. Lizards. Right. That thing killed like 15. What are those stingy bugs that hit you with their tail? Earwigs?

Scorpions. Scorpions. Yeah. That thing would bring in like 25 to 30 dead scorpions a day. Constant lizards. Well, that's kind of like a service. the community though, killing scorpions. That's a good point. Look, and in that specific instance, it might be if there's a bad popular, if there's too

many scorpions, but all of those animals play a role in the ecosystem, right? Even mice, even scorpions, everything, the insects, they're killing their birds. Outdoor cats are absolutely bad. They should not be let out. So for our listeners out there, I don't mean to be preachy. If you're a cat person, Patrick DeLuca, keep your cats indoors. There's nothing wrong with owning a cat. There is really nothing wrong with it. Just make sure it's an indoor cat. When you let them go outside, they murder things. But let me ask you, Forrest, Scalante, you have Flemish bunnies. I do. You have about 30 to 40 kinds of birds. You have pigs, horses, don't turtles, lizards, blue-crested Greco. Why the fuck do you not have a cat? I don't like cats. They

murder too much stuff. You just, all the stuff you just said, I would have none of, and I would have a cat in replacement. Cats do kill a lot of donkeys each year. That's a fact. It's a big stat. So I just looked it up while we were sitting here.

Take a stab at the total estimated number of animals that cats kill just in the United States per year. This is mammals, reptiles, amphibians, everything. I'm going to go $9 billion just based off the math

that you suggested, which is probably too high. No, sorry, I'm going to go $7 billion. For me, since Pat's an idiot and not a scientist, I'm going to go with $25 billion. You are almost exactly right. 23.7 billion.

Oh! 23.7 billion animals a year, full prey to your house cat. That's just in the U.S. This is my proudest moment. I had to look it up. It's not like that was a stat I knew. It's just that is just an insane number of wild animals getting killed by cats. It's nuts.

Well, think about in Vietnam and Laos for us, you know, in Vietnam and Laos, the streets run gray with the fur of cats. They are everywhere. No. Oh my God, it must be like a trillion there. No, it's crazy. But yeah, look, this shouldn't all be doom and gloom. Cats are amazing animals.

You know, like dogs, we have turned them into what they are. They're incredible creatures. I think I don't have a problem with people having cats. Just don't put them outside. They're just going to murder stuff. I have something that can turn this doom and gloom into something a little more exciting. And I came across your GQ video the other day, Forrest. It was great.

Though I was reading some of the comments. and one viewer said, are we really going to let this dude get away with trying to pass off clumbering as a word? Did I say clumbering? Apparently you said clumbering. I don't know what that was in reference to. Nevertheless, he sent it to me. Shut up, I did not. You did. I swear to God, I'm not making this up.

He said it to me. You definitely said clumbering. I don't know what that was in reference to, but just to try and make myself sound smart, I quickly Googling. and it is a real world. It is a real world. A real word. Were you drinking copious amounts of white claws before the GQ interview? No.

I wish. Then I'd have an excuse. I'll tell you what, I'm going to let both of you guys in on a little secret here. Sometimes when Forrest is doing what we call an OTA which stands for an on-the-fly interview where it's just like he's doing something. He's in the middle of action while we're filming the show. And just the camera guy just goes, hey, like what's going on?

And he has to kind of, you know, eloquently talk to camera. He'll sometimes use a word like clumbering. And Mitch, who is the main camera guy and I will just look at it. Mitch will just slowly turn his head to me and we'll both just shake our head and know. Just like, was that a word? This was over paradisiical. I remember.

I was referring to an area and I said something was paradisiical. And you guys looked at me like I was a lunatic. And sadly, you were correct and we were to the dumb notes. It was the only time I've ever been right on any. I didn't know that a flock of crows is called a murder. What's up with that? They're scary, man. Have you seen crows? That's like a perfect way to describe a group of crows, a murder of crows. They're smart as fuck, too, aren't they? That's a good game. We should start playing that as a game. Animal grouping names. There are some, do you know what a group of turtles is called,

Retepe? You love turtles. I'm just going to go school. They're called a school of turtles. The collective noun for a group of turtles is a barrel of turtles. I love that we let simpletons in the 1700s name all this shit. They're like, what should we call this herd? He's like, well, put them all in a fucking barrel, making a ass suit, call them a barrel. That's right. Well, this has been a fucking blast, guys.

My quarantine day just got better. It is a delight. For everybody listening, thank you so much for joining us on this quarantine journey. I hope you're enjoying our podcast as much as we're enjoying making them. If you are, go on to iTunes, leave us a five-star rating. Throw us a comment with a topic, a fun animal, anything you'd like us to discuss because we're more than open to it. and tune in next week for the next installment of the wild time.

The wild times. Good night. Whoever just did that, I love. Good night. The thought of being able to catch a bat by like gently clumbering, clumbering, clumbering. Wild times.