Wild Times: Wildlife Education - A Hitchhiking Echidna, Mysterious Invasive Snails, & Bizarre Animal Mating Calls

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Before bro-ologist, Forrest Galante heads out for his next expedition, he and the guys get a debauchery filled episode in! Join us for episode 12 of The Wild Times podcast where we talk about everything in the title and more! The battle royale is bonkers bananas. You don't want to miss it! More at https://thewildtimespodcast.com

Dua, doa, doa, doa, doa, doa, doa, doa, wild times. How's the text out of this? That was a big fan of the show. John Travolta just did that. Wow. That's amazing. And he handed it over to me to introduce myself, Mr. Forrest Galante, your host for tonight, joined as always by Mr. Executive Producer Patrick DeLucah.

What's up, Pat? Hey, guys. I have a couple real fun stories for you this week. Ooh, I like that. And Peter, what's going on, Peter? Hello, your head is looking very normal today, YouTube, Pat. I'm sorry, I ever made fun of either of you. Cheers, mate.

Oh, well, thanks. You're so weird. You are such a weird person. It's nice when you admit when you're wrong. So I see both you fine gentlemen have your shirts on this evening. That's a nice change of pace. What's up with that? I'm taking it all.

I am sweating like a pig. You guys see this? I'm like oiled up. I swear to God. I can't see the sweat in our chat window. Oh boy. There it goes. There it is.

How many children do you have? And also how many children do you have to have to acquire such a dad bod? Dude, what about these tits? It's like you get 36 gross tits. That's my new thing, my new saying. Do you wear, do you actually wear a sports bra? I've thought about it. But no, normally I just tape them down with a packaging.

tape. Well, I mean, there's actually been a lot of talk in our inner circle because me and Pat have a lot of mutual friends. And they saw a recent picture of him and they've just been wondering how he's grown so thick. And I didn't notice because I see him weekly. But apparently if you haven't seen him in a month or two, he's gained a little weight in the face. Is that true, Pat?

Or have you weighed yourself lately or your head? I have. Yeah. There is actually a scale. here and I've actually lost a tremendous amount of weight. That's all... That's a lie. That's a fucking lie and you know. No, it's not. I mean, because I went from lifting all the time to not lifting for 13 weeks.

I have either, I've either ran or done at least a 15 mile bike ride every day I've been here. I am drinking a lot of beer though. So I could easily be fat in the face. I don't know. If I am, it's... My body has lost weight. apparently I'm fat in the face. Well, how much just hair away? So we're all, we're all, we're all well over 30 here. On a scale of one to 10, 10 being the dream summer bod of a gentleman over the age of 30, and a one being just an atrocious slob.

Where would you rank yourself currently? Peter, go ahead. I'd rank myself an ob 10 plus. No, come on. You would. What do you mean? I think it's funnier if we rank each other. Pat's a one, you're a one, I'm a 10.

That's, that's, nope, those are, those are inaccurate numbers. Come on, where are you, Peter? Where are you ranking your current spot? I mean, dude, I've seen, I'm from the Midwest and I have seen some obese 30-year-old. So I would say, honestly, for California, SoCal, I'm probably maybe a 2.5, but elsewhere. No, you're better than that. You're better than that. Come on.

Let's be honest. I would give you, stand up. Let's give us, give us a little, give us a little twirl here. This is good. guy. Okay. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice.

Um, there's a... If only, if only we had video for this fucking shit, this goddamn shit. I would rank you like a solid. You're right in the middle there. You're like, you're like a five or a six. You're not gross. You're not, you're not hot. You're just somewhere in the middle.

For SoCal, but if I was in the Midwest, I'm a 10 plus. Yeah. Super hot guy. Yeah. Oh, God. Where do you rank yourself for us? Uh, guy over 30. I've been working out a lot.

I'd say I'd give myself like a seven right now. Yeah, you're feeling pretty good about yourself. I am. I've been working out a ton. I did that men's health thing that we discussed. Yeah, you know, yeah, I've been doing some manscaping for the first time in a while. Like, I'm feeling good. I can go outside with my shirt off currently.

What does that have to do with any? Manseeking? I'm glad that I'm not in L.A. going to the beach because it's, it's, I'm not ready. I am not ready. Where would you put yourself on that scale? I would say for myself, I'm like, a two. No, come on myself. I'm saying on my scale. Okay, but overall. Ten being the best shape I've ever been in. Sure. Overall, I'd probably go with a six. Okay. Well, I mean, right at a six. I mean, so it's all downhill. You know that, right? Pat, I mean, you're never going to be back to where you're,

you can't do the overall. That's why he said over 30. I mean, when I was fucking 18, I was working out three hours a day and just like could bench press 270. Yeah, but 13 weeks ago, before COVID, I was working out with the trainer five days a week. Right. Which I will get right back to you, mate. And I was eating keto and all of my booze was vodka soda. So shut the fuck up. Is that why you're so red-faced and angry?

Anyways, what's going on with you for us? Yeah, exactly. Oh, boy, this podcast has really gone downhill. No, this is great. It's the best one we've done yet. Seven minutes of nonsense. I'll tell you what. I have been eating a shit.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I've been eating a fucking ton of cheese. It's so good. So good. There's a great cheese section at the Wegmans. There's a Wegman's grocery store here. Best grocery store in the country. You've ever heard of it?

Dude, it's the size of 10 football stadiums. It's fucking, dude, you can legit get lost to where, like, you need to ask an employee for directions. They have been liquor-sized section of cheese, don't they? Just, just 30,000. There's like four different cheese sections. You take a trip around the world. So I'm eating manchego for breakfast. I'm having a little mozzarella with my lunch.

Yeah, baby. So cheese, right? Like, who was the first person? Hey, by the way,

that's a good opening line for your dating app. Fucking cheese. What's going on? They were just like, all right, let's, let's milk a cow. Let's fucking like curd it or whatever the,

what was the first cheese do you guys think ever? What kind, what type do you think? Cottage? Probably cottage. Yeah, that's a good guess. Yeah.

Whatever cream turns into when it's left out for too long. Yeah, it probably started as cream, and then it became cottage cheese, and then there was someone who's like, I wonder if we could take this one step further. I love that man. That man's a fucking hero, sir. Have you ever seen the thing that, I forget with the endorphins, or the specific endorphins that cheese releases, but it's basically the same thing that, like, microdosing on heroin releases.

There's some ridiculous thing. It's a real thing. Yeah, it's, I don't know if it's a, study versus just a headline, but they show that cheese releases the same chemical in the brain as like heroin. I'll tell you what. I got some morphine when I had to get my appendix taken out. They put some morphine in my, uh, in my fucking IV, right?

So it's, morphine's a similar drug to heroin. And I remember the feeling of the morphic, because I was worried anyways, something was wrong and I was in the worst pain in my life. And all of a sudden I just got warm and I started smiling. And I just remember thinking, I no longer care about what's going on. that if you get a good enough piece of cheese it's the exact same thing well we're going to start doing the merch soon and i think the first t-shirt should be cheese releases dopamine's i don't know something like that it's it's not that you were doing you were doing well what the fuck are you

talking about you mean just in general on the podcast comedically and entertainment wise you were doing fine your shorts off and then you just violently shit yourself All right. Well, it's time to move on anyhow. It's been 10 minutes of debauchery. What's going on in the fucking news? So one of my favorite things that I saw this week is an adorable headline. I saw a headline from coming out of Australia about an echidna surviving a five-mile ride in the engine cavity of a car. He just decided to hitchhike with some people before popping out. If I knew what an echidna is, I would be fascinated.

Well, the echidna is one of the monotrems. And Peter, you know what a monotream is, of course, right? I mean, I'm assuming that it is an animal of some sort. Very good, Peter. Nicely done. A scholar. And a monotream is an egg-laying mammal. There are only two in the world, and the echidna is one of them.

So imagine if your dog-laid an egg, that's the echidna. But then covered it in spikes and gave it a cute little face and a little beak. Like a porcupine! Yeah. Like a porcupine. That's right. Like a porcupine. See?

It's all up here. Yeah. So long story short, this adorable miniature porcupine-looking animal, known as an echidna, jumped up into the hood of a woman's car and hitchhiked for five miles. And then when the woman pulled over, it popped out. And so the motorist said that she was, like, pretty concerned. She called someone and they came and saved it. Got a few burns from the engine cavity, but it's recovering well, and it's going to be released soon.

So hitchhiking echidna, that's one of my favorite things in the news this week. saw a story years ago where and sorry this is fucked up but it was an elderly couple they were driving through somewhere at one of the Dakotas I can't remember which one. Okay. And a venomous rattlesnake

they were driving, they heard a rattle they looked in the back seat and a fucking rattlesnake had gotten into their sedan. No way. They had no idea how. The husband proceeds to go to the next exit pull over to a gas station they can't find the rattlesnake.

they search they search can't find him so what do they do they just keep hearing the rattle and they're like searching searching can't he stopped he stopped rattling oh scary silence yeah so they get back in the car and they continue driving oh god all of a sudden rattlesnake bites the husband on the leg injects him with venom he did survive but uh there's no scenario in which i see and hear a rattlesnake my car, pull over to a gas station and go, I don't see him, let's go. Yeah. He's fine. I've almost gotten into a 12 car pile up just with a bee flying around in my fucking car. There was a rattlesnake in my car. I mean, I'm immediately fucking pulling. I'm driving the car off of a cliff and just rolling out of it. Dude, my driver's ed teacher in high

school was this weird nerd who was like 90 and like didn't make human sense. And he's telling a story about two women who drove head first or, you know, just drove head on into a cement wall. And he's like, what do you think made him do it? And I just go, a bee. And he goes, there was a bee. You could easily crash your car from a bee, dude. It's terrifying. You don't want to get stung by a bee while you're driving.

He was just surprised that the meager nerd, goth nerd, who never says anything in the class, just the first time he said something, he got it right. That's, that's what it is. We got pictures to make. So I want to back up to the rattlesnake in the car story for a second here. Because another thing that was in the news this week that I loved was a new study. Now, here's where I don't fully trust it, out of the University or Arizona State University. That's a shot.

Shots fired. We'll study from ASU. No, but seriously, a new study out of ASU concluded this week that rattlesnakes, the cold-blooded killers that were. we're talking about, actually form non-mating bonds with other snakes and prefer not to be alone, which I thought was fascinating. Imagine a rattlesnake showing compassion and interest in hanging out with another reptile. Okay, you're a herpetologist first and foremost. What do you think about that? That snakes are just broskies? It's mind-blowing. I mean, it absolutely, it's, it gives us a new way to think about the reptile mind, and it'll help people better understand their behavior patterns in the wild,

because we think of, and it's funny, because this goes all the way into the pet trade and all the way into field science and every aspect of herpetology, we think of snakes like rattlesnakes, and we go, they're solitary, they don't need a mate, they don't need a tank mate if you're keeping them, you know, we don't need to worry about them, they're cold-blooded, there's no compassion, there's no interest in forming social bonds, and then you get a study like this that says, oh, well, turns out they actually make friends with other animals and like to hang out with them. It's incredible, and it furthers the thing that, I think I've said almost every podcast at this point, which is we know a lot less about animals than we think we do.

Yeah, I mean, I read sort of the top line article that outlined the sort of the methodology of how they came to this conclusion. It was pretty much just an observational thing, right? Right. That they just found that snakes who, that there were certain snakes that would hang out with other certain snakes essentially. Right. As if they were best friends. Well, and here's the thing about that, right? And this is why I poked fun at ASU.

If you're a snake and you're out in the middle of a field and there's a single board, you know, like big piece of press board out in that field or a single down log, you are going to go to that log. It does not matter if there's a rattlesnake under there, if there's a garter snake under there, if there's a ground squirrel under there, that's where you're going to go. So when you go out there as, you know, an observational scientist and you flip boards and go, whoa, turns out these two animals like each other and they're hanging out, do they? or do they both just pick the same place to shelter and they're impartial to each other?

And I think that's the problem with an observational study is we really don't know what the animals were thinking. But I love the idea from an emotional standpoint of rattlesnakes wanting friends. So, Forrest, I thought about you yesterday. Okay. In the shower? Very much so, before I went to bed. Okay, so real quick. We were in Vietnam, we're in a cave.

Talk about, basically, I witnessed Forest, nurse, what appeared to be a dead bird back to life. That's right. It literally was inanimate, looked as if it was a second away from being full rigor mortis. Tell the story real quick, and then I'll get into what happened last night. Yeah, absolutely. So I always thought, you know, before being a biologist, I knew I always wanted to work with wildlife. and I had one point in time for quite a few years, I thought I was going to be a vet. So I've always studied animal medicine just because I love it.

Anyway, long story short, when we were walking through Songdun Cave in Vietnam, I found on the floor in the sand a swiftlet, a tiny little bird that makes mud nests on the roof of the cave, lying in the sand, barely alive, as Patrick said. It was just breathing and lying there, more like, you know, pretty much on death's doorstep. And I realized, or I didn't realize, I guessed that this animal had died of exhaustion. It had been trying to fly, get back into its nest, building its nest, and it had collapsed from, you know, somewhere up high and fallen into the sand. And I picked it up, and I actually mixed my own electrolytes that I was drinking to stay hydrated

into one of my DNA collection syringes and dropper fed this little bird and held it in my hands to keep it warm because the cave was very cold. And after about, well, it didn't take long. What did you say, Patrick, four minutes? Yeah, it was quick. Yeah, four or five minutes. It perked his head up and stretched his wings out and then just took off and flew back up towards his nest. And so we brought, you know, save that little guy from the cave floor.

I like you better now. Yeah, it was quite touching, actually. But, okay, so yesterday I go, I'm going to go for a little bike ride. So I head out the back steps and I'm completely surrounded by, you know, massive pine trees. There's just tons of birds. Chipmunks everywhere, tons of squirrels. There is a rigor mortis, stiff little bird, a robin. Okay, so it's a little bird with an orange chest and belly.

It's, you know, four inches tall. And it is literally like legs in the air upside down like a fucking cartoon on the back porch. I'm like, ah, you know, I don't want to deal with this right now. I'm going to go for the bike ride. The bike ride leads to a couple bruskies. Now it's night. Right. Well, you know, we go to a bike ride.

We have a beer at the waterfall. We ride back. That's great. beer, whatever. So now it's night time. So I'm like, fuck, that bird's going to start to stink. I got to go get rid of it. So I take a flashlight, a head out, and the bird is in the exact same position. And I think to myself, this is definitely dead, right? Because I'm just going to kind of pick it up and take it over to the woods and throw it in the woods. Just as my hand is about to touch its foot, it is like a scene out of the exorcist. It spins its head around and looks at me.

It had been laying there for like 12 hours. So let me ask you this. Would you have tried to save it? Well, certainly. I mean, I would have tried to save it. I'm guessing from what you just described, it was beyond saving. It probably had a broken back, and that's why it was lying there stiff, and it could still move its head and neck, but the rest of it was dunzo.

Yeah. So to be honest with you, and I think maybe many of our listeners might not like this, the ethical thing to do in that point is probably end it. You know what I mean? Sometimes you got to make a decision. Are you going to attempt to save it and what's its quality of life, or are you going to attempt to euthanize it so that it's not suffering? And in that situation, had it had a broken back and been sitting there twitching its head unable to move anything, I probably would have taken care of it. And the correct way to euthanize a Robin is to use a 44 caliber or shotgun? Yeah, yeah, maybe just a slug if you've got one, you know, go real big caliber. No.

So, yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of ways. But really, with birds, you want to just, well, with anything, you want to squish their head. And this is not a nice conversation, but. No, it certainly is. Well, I didn't do that. I probably did the wrong thing. And I left it so that nature could run its course. And it was DED in the morning.

But it did literally scare the shit out of me by turning its head. Yeah, no, I'm sure. That's, it's very unusual. Especially because it was night. Yeah. Retep, what's come across your desk this week? any interesting stories in the wild. I'm into snails.

I don't know if you guys know this. I know you like eating S-cargo because there's a lot of butter. No, I don't like eating them. I eat the butter just by itself. With a spoon. So something came out, a new study, that doesn't surprise anyone. Snails are very dumb. Okay. Go on.

But more specifically, it found that snails only need to use two brain cells to make decisions. Oh, come on. I swear to God. And I was, I was, was, was, was this according to Arizona State University? Yeah, they studied some of their students and similar to snails. If you've ever seen a snail just outside, because they're all over out here, you'll just see, you'll go do something for four hours and they'll have moved seven inches across the sidewalk. So they just do everything really fucking slowly. And I always find it interesting. So I'll pick them up. And I'll move them. Why are you getting involved me?

I want to ask a question to the broologist. Is it right for me? And I've seen them crunched sometimes. Like, you know, people just accidentally or maybe maliciously in Pat's case step on these snails. But I pick them up and I put them on like a fucking big leaf or into the fucking grass or something. Is this the right call or should I just be leaving these fucking guys?

No, look, I think that's very compassionate of you. There's nothing wrong with that, Peter. That's great. What you don't realize, and I think a lot of people do this, is the snails that you're seeing run around L.A. are likely the invasive European snails that don't belong here in the first place, and you probably should be maliciously squashing them to help the environment. But, you know, don't, that's not the approach to take if you don't know what, if you don't know this exact thing. Can you tell me how I could identify one of these snails, bro?

You'd have to actually pull up a couple side-by-side pictures because they are nominal differences, but there are a lot of invasive European snails. But, you know, here. Here's a thing. You're talking about it having two brain cells, right? Right. A snail is a mollusk, right? That means it's the same as the oysters that you order at the store or a clam, right? Except it can move a little bit. So when you think about what it really needs to do as far as functionality, you know, how much thinking do you think an oyster does, right? It is a living being, but it's, it's suck in water and spit out water. And at some point it's like to do some spawning, mate. Making pearls all day. But yeah, so I mean, it doesn't surprise me that they use that little brain energy, but two brain cells is crazy. And I was just reading it while we were talking here.

And it says, you know, the experiments use electrodes to measure brain activity, the mollusquins searching for lettuce. And what they found was they used one brain cell, which told the snail if it was hungry. Well, the other cell told the snail if it was present. So they're using two brain cells to decide on food. But what about mating? You know, are they using those same brain cells? cells when they decide it's time to mate or decide it's time to lay eggs. I doubt it. I think they're just maybe using those two brain cells to make a very immediate decision, which is eat or don't

eat. Sure. And this will be proven wrong next month by a different stuff. Dude, you are such a doubt. I know. I'm so angry right now, my scientists in general. But Peter, I don't understand what are you, how much time do you have on your hands? You're walking down the street and you see you see a snail crossing the sidewalk and you go, not on my wife. But you're not on my wife. You're, I have a dog, my friend. My dog is sniffing around. I'm, you know, what am I supposed to do? Just stand there.

It's dark out. I'm not going to just fucking... They only come out in the dark, by the way, these snails. Stop meddling in snail activity. Stop fucking, stop fucking with these dead birds, mate. You can see one thing you have to pick. It's the bottom of the ocean, or you can go to out of space. Out of space.

Did you notice? There we do. That just for you, Patrick. Or you can go to outer space. Which one do you pick? I'm going to out of space 100%. Are we guaranteed safety in this scenario? Like to return in one piece?

Well, let me ask you this. Do you trust that Elon Musk will have your best interest in mind on a visit to out of space? A lot of SpaceX rockets keep blowing up. I would say the risks are the same, whether you go to outer space or the bottom of the ocean. Really? And if we go to the bottom of the ocean, can we go to the bottom of the ocean? Can we go to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and have big lights? I think so.

Yeah, I think so. I'm picking that. It's not even a question. So I'm with you. But if you're Peter and you happen to have 35 extra thousand dollars laying around, the International Space Station literally announced today that it will open itself up to tourists this year in 2020. This year? Yeah, that's what it said.

Isn't that crazy? 35K, that's it? That's it. And I remember, do you remember like 10, 15 years ago there was talk about going, going to space and you could do it if you were celebrity and it was like $10 million. They're saying it was going to be through Russia, yeah. Yeah, exactly. No, well, the two companies hired by NASA are SpaceX, which will use something called a dragon

capsule and Boeing, which is building its own spacecraft. And they're saying that, yeah, 35 grand and you can head up to the space station. Well, you know, it'd be great if Boeing could just focus on getting the fucking TV in the back of the seat in front of me to work before they start trying to build a spaceship. Start with that. Or how about you put an oven? Put an oven in the plane so they can cook a meal instead of microwaving it. You are the angry monkey today.

Look at you. You are fucking full of hate and vitrial. I was pretty fascinated by this. They basically found this gigantic, deflated egg that was perfectly preserved under, I don't know if it was permafrost or in the ice in Antarctica. Cup. Chilean scientists discovered it. It's humongoid. It dates back to the Cretaceous period, meaning it was this thing, this egg existed at the same time that the T-Rex and Stegosaurus living on Earth. It's estimated that whatever animal unleashed this egg due to the size of it was at least seven meters long. So that's putting about 24 feet long. But here's the thing,

it's not a dinosaur egg. It's not even close to a dinosaur egg. What is it? Huh? The egg exactly resembles the egg of a snake. Oh, no way. Oh my God. A giant fucking snake?

That is terrifying. Titanoboa. You guys should look up what this is. If our listeners don't know what it is, I would say that if there was a way to have a favorite animal as a biologist and an adult, it would be the titan boa. It is to the great white shark what the megalodon is. is a 40-foot-long boa constrictor that supposedly came from Columbia.

It was gargantuan. We found fossils of it. Now, what it was doing in Antarctica, I couldn't say. So maybe, just maybe, there was a snake bigger than the titana boa that used to range further south than we realized, which you guys know me and snakes. I'm, you know, snakes and crocodiles and sharks. I'm obsessed with them. The idea of seeing a 40-plus-foot-long snake is absolutely incredible.

Like I've caught 20 foot long snakes that I couldn't even come close to picking up by myself as far as size and weight. Yeah, they're huge. Oh, it's insane. You know, this creature, oh, boy, how cool would that be? So is there a way that they can figure out what this thing is from the egg or whatever? So Chilean scientists are studying it. They don't know. I, you know, I think it's going to pretty much all be speculation because they're confused about why the hell it was there.

Right. But also, you know, a 24-foot-long, fucking, you know, Cretaceous snake in Antarctica is a bizarre. The heaviest anaconda ever caught was a little over 500 pounds. The Titanic Bo was over 2,000 pounds. Right. It's like four anacondas. Yeah. No, it's insane.

And that's the thing is their growth and weight is exponential in size in the sense of like a three-foot snake. you know, that's a boa, probably weighs 50% more than a two-foot snake. You know what I mean? It just goes up and up and up because they fill out and they get stockier and thicker. And yeah, it's, God, that would be an insane animal to see. Guys, I think I know what time it is. Do you know what time it is? Battle Royale! Oh, boy, what an intro. A collection of guttural noises.

Yeah, wow. Peter, I think it's your week to pick a battle royale. What do you got for us? Well, I'm big into, as you guys know, mating. It's my big thing. It's what my field of study has been since I've been about 15. It's a lie. You have no idea. You've still not had sex.

All right. I've been thinking about this for a long time, years, decades. If you could, if you could choose any three animal behaviors to be. your mating call. Pat's mating call. Forrest's... Forrest's mating call. And you could, with this mating call, seduce anyone in the world. Cindy Crawford, any woman you wanted.

She's 660. Cindy Crawford today, because that's... Indelevant. Cindy Crawford in the 90s with the beauty mark still intact. Good, good. Which three animal behaviors would you select to be your mating call? Okay, so the idea is that they do these complex behavior. Right? Animals do this shit to attract mates.

So we have to make our own mating call using animal behavior, three animal behaviors. Oh, interesting. So you're not saying existing mating calls. You're saying any animal behavior that you combine to make your own mating call. Correct. But it must be three behaviors and they must be coherent, cohesive, and draw ladies to your dick. Go on. Jeez. I just want to have a conversation first. Yeah. Are we doing a snake draft like we normally do? Of course.

So I'm up first? Yeah, of course, Forrest. You go first because Pat always goes first to try and get an advantage. And to understand this correctly, this mating behavior, if exhibited perfectly, based on the reviews of our listeners, you're the champion capable of scoring any woman in the world. That's what you're saying? Yes. Yes, I am. Woman, man, non-binary, whatever you want.

And this has to be performed publicly? Yes, in front of, I mean, imagine you're at Venice Beach. and you're competing with all the muscle-bound dudes who are working out at Muscle Beach. Wow. Okay. Interesting. Three animal behaviors. All right. Well, I'm going to take some low-hanging fruit here. And I'm going to start with just a really standard threat display of a silverback gorilla. So just big old... Dude, that was my first choice.

No, it was. It wasn't really? I swear to God. Good. I'm glad I got to go first tonight. Go for it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so I'm talking back hunched, arms out, just... Something like that. Oh, my God, we need this on video. How's that?

I'm sad the listeners can't see what he just did. It was, that was wonderful. Yeah, are you guys aroused or no? I am aroused. Very much so. Very aroused. All right. That's my first step.

Peter, you want to go next? So my first piece. behavior would be that of a turkey and the noise that a turkey makes, which is something like this. So while Forrest is over there jumping around like a fucking gorilla, I will be standing 25 feet over making that noise trying to draw in all the ladies. So you're saying the women will have to choose between the sounds of a gorilla or the sounds of a turkey. Correct.

And a turkey will be much more noticeable. Interesting. Okay. All right. Okay. So I'm going to, look, part of my deal while you guys are making horrific noises, I've always been the subtle guy, right? So I was never the one who walked up to the chicks and went, hey, babe, I never said a line. It's like, let's just play it cool. So for my noise, because I do want a noise component to mine. Smart. Well, you guys are doing that force, just pounding his chest and making that noise. Peter's literally saying,

bobble, cobble, yeah. I'm going to walk up. I'm going to stand next to the girl, and I'm going to make the sound of a duck. Wow. Okay? Yeah, so I'm just going to walk up, and I'm going to go, whack.

Quack. How's the duck sound? Are they? Right in her ear? Quack. How does a duck sound? Okay? You got it?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, so I just kind of look at them, and I go, quack. And that's going to be better than, like, screaming my head off and pounding my chest.

They're going to love me. It's a real low-key kind of swoop the feet from under you play. You look like enough, too, so yeah, it works. So I now get the second pick. So after I quack, I'm going to take the behavior from my cat, Lemley, who literally her favorite thing on earth is licking a human being's forehead. There you go. Okay?

So I got quacked. They're like intrigued. They lean in and I'm going to give them a cheeky little lick of the forehead. Oof. Brute. It's pretty good. Okay, Peter. It's bad because you have to be close to the mate.

So at least. Yeah, but they're going to be drawn in by when I say quack and they're going to be like, I can't hear you because that guy's over there, gobble, gobbling. First of all, you don't say quack. It's, wha. Oh, that was really good. Jesus. How'd you do that that well? Are you part duck?

Yeah. Can you do it one more time? That was fascinating. Now you're just saying the word quack. That's not it, Peter. That's not it. All right, Peter, second pick. Okay.

My second pick is really going to fucking get attention. And it is because I will be spraying blood out of my eyes like the horned lizard does. Interesting. That is going to gather some attention. So imagine me making the turkey noise on Venice Beach boardwalk and just spraying blood out of my eyes. There's probably someone on Venice Beach Boardwalk doing both of those things right now. It's true. They usually is.

Okay, so you're going for the scare tactic. Back to you, Forrest. So keep in mind, mine is I'm drawing them in. So I've got my gorilla sounds. I've brought them in from a distance. Now it's time to literally strut my stuff. And what I'm going to do is take that behavior of a sage grouse, which is a bird that puffs up its chest,

cocks its head back and forth, and struts high knees back and forth, kind of shaking its arms a little, shaking its midsection, a little puffing up its chest, cocking its head back, and just doing this dance of all manner of silliness to really get the ladies excited.

Yeah. I'm excited for sure. huge, huge boner right now. All right. So first, it's the gorilla sound and pounding of chest, then a fantastic strut, like a pigeon across the Central Park. Correct. And then what are you going to do to cap it all off? So this is where I've got to really, really send it home.

And I'm talking a literal shitstorm. I'm going to take the hippopotamus ritual of coloning your mate with urine and feces that the male does. This is a real thing. So to impress female hippos, males don't just defecate and urinate dear to them. They spin their tails and use an incredibly powerful fart to fling the mess far and wide to make sure that all females in the area can smell it. This is a real thing. And if this is where it gets good, this is where it gets really German, if the male catches a female's interest, she'll raise her ear up out of the water to show she's ready to reciprocate. And then shower him in dung.

This is called submissive defecation. Okay. This is a... This sounds... This sounds sexy as hell. Yeah. So at this point on Venice, on the Venice Beach boardwalk... I just wanted to tell that.

It's not a good mode. I just wanted to flex some knowledge of hippo mating. There is a... Forest is pounding his chest. Strutting. Don't forget the strutting. Whilst... Whilst fucking shit fanning out of his...

ass. That's right. I'm standing about 25 feet over. I am fucking making a turkey noise and spraying blood, blood out of my eyes. And finally. And finally, this will be the solidifying behavior that I will be doing to secure any mate that I desire. I will perform the behavior of a boxer crab, which basically shakes pom-poms like. like a cheerleader.

There you go. That's right. So I'll be fucking spitting blood out of my eyes, shaking my pom-poms, and making a turkey noise. That's a good combo. Pat, what will you be doing in totality? Okay. So, look, you guys are going huge display.

I mean, everyone's going to be watching you. Even the women who are attracted to you are going to be like, oh, God, like everyone's watching, right? So far, all I've done is going, quank. give them a little lick of their forehead. That's true. And then I'm going to take the behavior of a very specific type of goat, the fainting goat. Oh, boy.

What a call. And then she looks at me, right? And she's like, well, that's a little weird. You quacked. And then you licked me. And I didn't ask for that. That's a bad touch. I didn't invite it.

Then I'm going to faint. Right? Just really, really submiss. Yeah. Just lay down. You are a fucking bitch. You're a little bitch. I'm going to spray blood all over your ass while you are fainted on the ground.

We'll see who the listeners vote for. I think Patrick's going to win his first Battle Royale. I think he's got this one. Mine's awful. Like, I closed mine with shitting all over someone. Peter, yours is. No one wants blood getting squirted on them out of someone else's eyes and shaking pop-pops. I think Patrick's a beta-male approach.

Maybe the winner. I say when we get to our 50th, podcast, we all have to go to the Venice Boardwalk and try our best to display these rituals. Now, remember, if the dance, the mating dance is performed perfectly by any of the three of us, we secure the mate. That's the stipulation. So I think you're right, because Pat could actually quack like a duck, lick a forehead, and faint. Whereas I don't think that I can actually perform my behaviors. Oh, boy, this is good. All right. Well, look, if you like, if you're a listener, and you like the podcast, go on and tell us who won the Battle Royale.

You can visit us, leave us a review on iTunes. You can tell us about it there. You can visit us on social media at the Wild Times pod on all platforms. Peter is very engaged with our social media. So he sends Patrick and I all the funny stuff, and we love hearing from you guys. We kind of ran out of time to do some of the listener comments tonight, but don't think that they're going unnoticed because we absolutely love them. They're awesome.

are awesome for listening. And I think that's kind of it this week. What do you guys think? I think it's great. It's been fantastic. Forrest, off tomorrow. Off on the expedition to Alaska. Yeah. So we are, I'm taking off tomorrow, guys. I've got a two and a half week expedition coming up. We can't talk too much about it, but it is, as we usually do, looking for an animal that's very hard to find in a place that this time is very cold and unpleasant. So wish me luck. Good luck, my friend. And you will bring your mic with you, so we will still bring you be bringing you up podcasts every Monday.

We'll bring a forest. We'll bring you. Monday, Monday, Monday. All right. All right, chaps. Get on. See you, boys.