Wild Times: Wildlife Education - Apes Don't Wear Shirts

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

Did you know that a monkey literally stole a bottle of coronavirus from researchers? And why is Forrest exposing himself live on pod? Find out in another ridiculous episode of The Wild Times podcast. More at https://thewildtimespodcast.com

Wild times I wonder if they just locked the original Chloe in a basement and we're like, we can make way more money if we just switcheroo. What are you laughing at? You have no shirt out. I can't fucking do these transitions. I can't do it.

Dude, that is, I'm so pissed that I wasn't looking at you as you did that. Just looked like I was eating this microphone like a penis. Yeah, he did. He looked like he was eating it for sure. That's it, everybody. It's been great. The end. What do you do it?

Why did you get tested for coronavirus? And do you have it? That's the question on my mind. Aren't you going to introduce us? What if people don't know who the fuck we are, Forrest Galante? We're on episode 10. They should know who we are by now. It's nine, dumb, dumb, go ahead.

All right, we are back with the Wild Times. I am joined today by Executive To Do, one more time. Oh, my goodness. Executive To Do you all. All right. We are back with the Wild Times, episode nine. I'm joined today, as always, by executive producer, Mr. Patrick DeLucah. What's up, buddy? Hey, man. Good to see you. You've been kind of incommunicado this week. What's been going on?

You're real busy or what's going on? Just a big time in us. I did a men's health shoot all week. What of it? Sure, it's optional. We'll circle back to that. But the guy who's going to make fun of my men's health shoot momentarily. Mr. Retep, aka Peter, how you doing, dude? I'm good. Forest, looking good today. Looking tan. Why are you so tan? Is that for the men's health thing? Look at this. Oh, my, that dude, Forrest, why are you showing me and Pat your dick on an audio podcast? Because they told me to tan for this, and I got so fucking fried.

I mean, it's weird. Your face doesn't look too bad, but your stomach is legit lobster red. Yeah, well, my tum-tum and upper thighs don't get to see the sun that much. So when I lay out, I was like, ah, two hours should do it. And, yeah, my whole body is on fire. Why didn't you just go for the classic spray tan option? I don't know. Didn't think of it, to be quite honest.

It's not an essential business, mate. Well, I guarantee you Kim Kardashian's getting spray tan still. Yeah, because she has ten of them in her basement. She uses a different one every day. I also saw a thing floating around the internet on her. She looks nothing, I think it's Kim. She looks nothing like what she did look like five years ago. Have you guys seen this?

I saw Chloe, the other sister, the one that was married to Lamar Odom. She's got a whole new head and face and body. Good for her. personality. Yeah, good for her. That's nice. I wonder if they just locked the original Chloe in a basement and were like, we can make way more money if we just switcheroo. I feel like, what's the- did somebody lock you in a basement and switcheroo with that stupid hat you have on? It's ridiculous. What are you doing? He's got a hat with flower floral pattern. It's backwards. It's got one of the fucking straps that you snap together. Who wears those these days? He bought that in an airport. And I know that

because I was there. No, I actually got this in a gas station in Santa Barbara. That's what it was. Gas station, my bad. Yeah, you look great. You look great. All right, Peter, I got to know, you said that you got tested for coronavirus. First of all, what poor unfortunate woman spent a night with you that led to you getting tested

for coronavirus? And secondly, what were the results? I spend the night with Pat's fiancé. I can say that because he's taking the headphones off to go get a white claw and he can't hear me. That's good. We fucked. It was great.

No, just kidding. I went to, uh, so like, uh, the first, they opened the beaches up here. Uh, and, and I wanted to go on a bike ride. So I went on a bike ride, a long one. And then, uh, I thought I had COVID because I started getting like a sinus infection. So I went and got tested. And then, uh, it took like five days to get the test results back. I love that he doesn't know.

He just got back. So wait, you, but let's, let's circle back to your story for a second here. You thought you got coronavirus from going on a bike ride? There was thousands of people out, dude. I mean, people everywhere. I was trying to social distance on a bicycle on a path with fucking a thousand people. Every single person was out. I mean, I had a mask on, but like, dude, just people breathing hard.

People sneezing on you and coughing. Yeah, man. I mean, it was a sneeze fest. Everybody. We were all just coughing, smacking hands, fucking high-fiving. No, it was just breathing everywhere, I guess. Yeah, he was for us. he was texting me all night.

We were, you know, as usual, up till 6, 7 on the morning. I forgot about this. He was, he was, you were worried, like you were really freaking out. I thought I fucking had COVID, man. I started to get sick. I thought it was allergies. And then the next day, you know, when you know you're sick, like you're, you're ill. Like, it could have, I mean, it could have been COVID.

It could have been anything. Luckily, it was not COVID. I recovered in three days pretty much fully. But, you know, it's scary, man. 2020 is not a fucking great year to get ill with another. their coronavirus. Well, especially, and we're going to jump straight into what's in the news, because I don't know if you guys saw this, especially when there are monkeys beating up researchers and stealing their samples of coronavirus. Have you seen this? This literally broke like 10 minutes

ago. It's fucking fantastic. I got to see this. No, what is going on? Yeah, so there is, there was a, like, a medical researcher leaving a lab in India, and a troop of monkeys of macaques literally jumped this researcher and stole her coronavirus sample. Wow, Patrick just went shirts option. Oh my God. The hat. I was sweating. I was sweating in that shirt all day. Forrest and Patrick, for the listeners, are both now topless. Pat's got a flower floral pattern hat on backwards and Forrest keeps flexing. What the fuck am I doing with my life right now? I didn't do that to interrupt your story. I was just like, I can't wear this sweaty t-shirt for one more second. Sure. You just had a one-up forest, dude. Ridiculous. You guys are such monkeys. All right,

sorry, back to your monkeys, forest. You guys are such monkeys back to your monkeys. You're macaws. Yeah, so, I mean, all I know is the, I saw this literally right before we signed on, but there was a researcher leaving a lab in India when a troop of monkeys came down, bombarded that researcher who had vials of coronavirus on their persons, beat that person up, and stole a vial of coronavirus, and the last it was seen, it was up in, like, telephone wires holding onto the vial of coronavirus.

Wait. We'll post the photo on social media. That is fantastic. There is a monkey hanging on wires with a vial of coronavirus blood, right? Correct. You just, Forrest just flashed it in the Zoom chat. That's correct.

What kind of monkey is that for us? They're Reese's Maccax, which are, you know, they're all over the cities of India. they are assholes. Like, let's be clear, like, monkeys can be assholes, and these guys are top of the asshole chain. I mean, they're the kind of monkey that'll, they'll, they'll, like, tear up a motorcycle, steal fruit, steal vegetables, like, come in your house at night. But in this case, one took off with, I don't know, the most deadly virus in the world that's causing a global pandemic. Was it a macaque? What was the monkeys that kept punching everyone in the nuts in

Zanzibar? Oh, I think those were Sykes monkeys, if I can remember correctly. I remember that. They were big fans of just running up and giving the old open hand punch. I'd kill. I would kill those monkeys. I would, I would be like fighting to the death. That sounds like a nightmare. Too quick. Man. You guys live dangerously. That's just a phenomenally asshole moved by that monkey. I was, I mean, for me, there's one story this week that just is quite frankly, I'm not, I'm not sleeping particularly well since I read it. You're aware of the animal, the insect cicadas, right? Certainly. Can you describe the morphology of a cicada

for those who haven't seen one? Cicada is like, it's like if a cockroach mated with a cricket, and then had some big old bumblebee wings slapped on it, and they go in life cycles of 3, 5, 7, 17, and I think 22 years, where they will come out of hibernation in these certain cycles,

in the millions, used to be in the billions, all get together into a big cicada orgy, you know, mate, lay, lay, have offspring, and then, well, lay eggs, actually, and then drop dead. And I'm guessing that we're coming up on one of these blooms. We're coming up on one. Thank God. It's nowhere near where any of us will be. But in the northern part of North Carolina, Virginia and West Virginia, this summer is the 17-year,

they're on a 17-year cycle, and they're expecting a huge release with 1.5 million cicadas per acre That is That is insane Like so how are people going to I mean are they just going to be flying around What's going to be going to be going? You can't drive on the roads

You can't do anything The roads are covered dude You can see videos of cars getting into accidents Because they're sliding on the cicadas And they can't break That's how many there are And they know they're coming 2020 is fucked up

Proportions of swarms I mean it's like something out of the Bible where the sky goes black, every tree, every blade of grass, the road, like Patrick says, get blanketed in these insects. And if it's a 17 year, the longer the gap in the bloom, so like the five-year bloom, I'm making these numbers up. But the five-year bloom is probably 100 cicadas per square acre, right? The 10-year bloom or whatever, the next gap one is like 500 cicadas per square acre. So the 17-year bloom is like a big fucking deal. Like there are a lot of cicadas coming out. What have they been doing just growing underground, like just reproducing

like mad or something? Or are they just fucking sleeping for 17 years? And then 1.5 million per acre. You know my ex wanted to move to the East Coast? What a bullet dodge. Well, I mean, so Forrest, what kind of a life is this? I mean, it sort of makes me wonder, like, do we really need them? It's a kid. Do we really need these animals? Well, if they do. You sleep for 17 years and then you come out for day. That doesn't seem important, but when you think about the fact that what's the stat that you just said, Patrick, how many are coming out? One point five million per square acre. So in that square acre, you're going to get 1.5 million bio-nutrient rich animals coming out into the environment, fertilizing the grass, feeding the bugs. There is whole trickle-down effects

that will bloom, that will occur based on this bloom, that will support the, you. ecosystem. I'm not saying for 17 more years, but it will, all kinds of things will get fed, all kinds of things. The grasses will be nourished. It acts like a fertilizer. It's like if you blanket the entire world with a fertilizer for a short period of time, it gives it a big spike. So it's like a huge nitrogen boost to the soil for everything that grows. Exactly. Oh wow. Butterfly effect, man. All right. They can stay then. They can stick around? Yeah, why don't you go hang out there? Over there in West Virginia. Can you do a, can you, instead of a shark week special, can you do a Locust Week special, or Locust Week special where you just go and wear a fucking

beekeeper suit and walk around over in fucking North Carolina. That's fucking brutal though, man. Like this is, uh, 2020's an interesting year, especially if you live there. Yep. Oh, yeah. It's already terrible living there. No offense if you live in North Carolina. Pat, Pat convinced me to not go ever.

Well, me and Forrester, uh, we're, we're exchanging a lot of texts about moving really. I was going to say, what are you talking about here? You guys are just sending each other mansions that cost like $200,000. That's exactly right. Yeah, that's literally what we're doing. And talking about the tax breaks for making television based out of North Carolina. Ooh, nice.

So North Carolina, if you're listening, we're coming. Cicadas, if you're listening, they're coming. Well, For us, like, he's like, you know, I'd like to get back to what it was like in Zimbabwe where there's, you know, there's rivers and lakes. And in North Carolina, you can buy a property that has rivers and lakes on it for the same amount as a studio apartment where we live. 100%. You can have your own river and your own lake.

All right. Well, that was fun. A lot of exciting news, Cicadas. What about you guys? What are you doing? You got any fucking big plans? What are you laughing at? You have no shirt out. I can't fucking do these transitions. I can't do it with you guys without shirts. Your segway was...

Just, I'm redoing it. All right. Well, that is fucking interesting as shit. What have you guys got going on this week? Any big plans? Anything going on? your lives this week during corona because i know you guys love breaking quarantine you're obviously going to make out camping in a mountain or something correct um forest i uh actually i don't have much good on this week i did have a men's health shoot this week which was quite something um which is why i'm so sunburnt um from the waist down we could circle we could circle back to that let's let's get let's just

get right in right i'm i'm dying to know so what shirt off or shirt on ob shirt off oh man nice is that why you've been training so hard. Did you know this was coming up? Of course. I'm not going to go on man. Oh, man. So you knew, you knew this was happening. Because you had been so on the fitness. Yeah. I mean, when you told me you're only eating one Oreo per days or only enjoyment. Dude, working out two hours a day. I was like, why is he so motivated right now. That's why. That is why. So yeah, so men's health wanted to do a segment on like what expedition prep looks like. And they're like, oh, what, you know, what's your story before you got into the field? Like, you know, your crew is all like, young, pretty fit guys. Like, what do you guys do? And I was like, well, you know, we,

pretty much all of us train independently, but we talk to each other about, you know, what we're getting ready for. For example, Patrick, I brought up when we were going into the cave in Vietnam, like we all went to rock walls and we all practiced, you know, certain moves and climbing and blah, blah, blah. They're like, oh, we'd love to get an inside look at that. And I was great. You know, well, here's my training program for the next six weeks, which I hope men's health isn't listening, upped like fivefold because I knew men's health was being treated. Well, it's too late now. It's already done now. And then, you know, we dug into it.

And it's been going really well. I've been working out like crazy, eating well, you know, coming up on this next trip that we're leaving on soon. And then I was like, oh, well, well, they want to see like how it all like ended. Well, we've all been in quarantine. We've mostly been inside. And I was like, ah, you know, my trainer is like, dude, you got to get tan. And I was like, what do you mean? Like, I'm not a tanning guy.

I'm just usually sunburn. And he's like, no, you're doing a men's health shirts off shoot. Like, you got to get tan. I'm like, all right, you got it. So pulled out the old Speedo and slap that bad boy on and lay out on my driveway with some couch cushions. And, you know, gave it a couple hours and was like, yeah, two hours in the sun seems about right. And this is the result, gentlemen. Oh, God.

Oh, dude. Dude. Let me see your dick, though. Let me see. So let me describe before it just did. He just stood up and pulled his shorts down and revealed... A little more. You said it was a speedo.

That looks like a woman's string bikini that you were wearing. It was. You have the tan line of a woman who laid out on the beach in Ibitha. That's right. And says it like that, the worst kind of person. Wow. So you got a nice red. Did you do the shoot already?

Because you got to wait for that to turn into a tan. To understand how bad the sunburn is, I want you to understand that it took place on Monday. and it's now Friday. Oh my God. I was like, if I cook myself a little on Monday, come Friday morning when the final shoot is,

I'll be nice and brown. I'm not. I'm bright red and I'm going to be featured in men's health, a nice shade of tomato red. So is what it is. I mean, that's fantastic. That's a week later. Have you posted that on your Instagram

to drive the ladies wild yet? God, no. But now I think I have to. You have to. Well, the good news is there's still photos and it is one click to turn that red to a nice silky brand. That's right. That's right. And for I won't be doing it, but hopefully the men's health editors. Well, that or they're just going to go hard 180 and be like, this guy's a clown. He showed up in a speedo tan. They're going on. They're going to kick you out,

dude. No, yeah, they'll do it. They're going to Photoshop. So what were you wearing? Were you wearing, like, the hex, like pajama bottoms and just no shirt? Like, what did you wear for the, for the photo spray? No, it was just, just a pair of workout shorts and no shirt. God. Were you flexing? That's it. Did it, did a lot of pull-ups, a lot of bench press, you know, a lot of like real, real A-type alpha man. Oh my, my dude. I cannot fucking wait to see this and make fun of you. It is going to be fantastic. You can't make fun of these, Peter.

Oh, I can. And I will. And I will. No, the thing that's cool is that, like, a lot of the men's health type stuff is, is just vanity workouts. And, you know, for the most of the year, we work out for vanity. Right. But prepping for the shoot, like the one that's coming up, it's, it's very much

functional training, especially for you, where you're going to be, I mean, I guess we can't get too much into it, but you're going to be doing a lot of swimming. Very cold swimming, yeah. And we've been training for that. We've been doing like workouts and respirating masks and, you know, sprint training with limited breath holds and some fun stuff. And, you know, it's cool. It's been cool. I'm stoked for that men's health piece to come out.

But Patrick, you got something exciting going on. So decided officially last night going to get in the car tomorrow morning and make a 40, hour drive with pets in the car. Yikes. So you're going to cross country. Yeah. So going from Southern California to upstate New York. My brother has a vacation home that's not in use.

It's got a boat and paddleboards and just it's right on the lake. It's real pretty there. It's, you know, two mile jog through the woods to like a massive canyon full of gorges and waterfalls. So since we're all working from home leading up to the shoot, I figured

let's go spend a few weeks there. Yeah. But that is a lot. is literally the longest drive you can do in the continental United States. Legit. I mean, if we kept going to Maine, it would be a little bit longer. But, I mean, it's, it's 2800. There's one road that you're on for 2,600 miles. God.

That's insane. Yeah. So you have two animals, both a cat and a dog. So, you know, historically cats and dogs don't get along. You're going to have these two animals like cooped up in your tiny little Miata. What do you drive a gun, a meada? Yeah. Viatta.

Give an SUV. Are you going to drive without your shirt and with that hat on and the animals in the car? The whole way. The whole way. Yeah. Sorry. I don't want the local police pulling us over because of my California plate. So I'll take the shirt off.

Probably pop my pants off. Yeah, the pants. Take the pants off. That's a necessity. Yeah. But we'll see, man, 40 hours in the car. Hopefully the cat and the dog are best buds right after this. Well, you know who's not going to be best buds are you and your significant other

because you will be trying to kill each other. Are you guys planning stops on the way? Or are you trying to do this, like, rotating driving? Because hotels have got to be a nightmare. No, hotels are open. They're open. They're sanitizing them. Yeah, I'm sure they are.

I don't think it's going to be that hard to get. Well, then I won't eat my fucking service office. You're definitely going to get coronavirus. So are the animals. You're all fucked. You're going to take it to your brother's house and his children and his family. Well, they're not there, thankfully. So it's just us.

Well, you should go. You should stop buying a very mean right now, Peter. Why don't you just take it easy? I'm sorry. Dude, when you guys took your shirts off, I'm just disgusting. Like, I don't know what you're doing. And also, Pat is like constantly, I don't even know if he knows he's doing it, but he's like, he's like flexing and checking himself out. And it's absurd.

I can't see myself. I'm one, I have a one inch thumbnail. That's a lie, sir. I haven't flexed at any point. I'm just sitting here with my shirt off enjoying. I'm probably cutting all this out because it's nonsense, but it's true. Like, I just can't even deal with this right now. I can't stop laughing.

That's good. That's good. I'm glad you're in a good mood. All right. What do people want to hear about, guys? There's got to be more interesting shit than our bullshit. Yeah, so, look, you guys are big sports fans. You guys familiar with George Hill, the NBA player for the Milwaukee Bucks? He won me a bunch of money two years ago in the playoffs. I had him in Draft Kings, and he went off.

I remember he won me like 500 bucks. I was excited. Ooh, that's nice. Yeah. Well, he's probably made more than $500 because I think so. I found out recently that he owns an $800. 150 acre ranch in central Texas, where he has a mix of animals and not just like African animals. He's mixing like zebras with ostrichs and kangaroos and arxes and deer and wildebeest, like all kinds of stuff. And he's just created his own custom savannah in Texas Hill country where he goes Ted Nugid on it and just cruises out into the woods and shoot something and grills it up.

And that's what he does. Does the biodiversity that's there make sense? Like, are those animals that are okay to be together, or is that, is that no way now? Well, he's got all herbivores. So there's no reason that they would be in conflict with each other. I'm sure there are certain problems with it environmentally, but it's also his own piece of private land. You know, there's no problem with him keeping them free roaming.

It's funny because, look, I'm obviously not a pro hunting guy. Right. But I can totally understand the appeal, right? If I could own 850 acres with a beautiful house on it and have, have, have, a Garden of Eden of animals running around. I wouldn't go out and shoot them, but I can understand the appeal of having all these free-roaming animals. Like, to me, that's, one, that's much more humane, but two, it's also just way more fun and enticing than, say, a Joe exotic place where they're sitting stuck in cages and you have to be terrified of your pets.

Right. So I think it's pretty cool. There's a guy named Brent Burns, who's, uh, he's one of the best defensemen in the NHL. He's like this giant, like, six-foot-eight, toothless country board. Yeah. And he, he lives on a ranch that he's kind of turned into a zoo. And I watched a little thing about it. He's got like a thousand zebras. Oh, wow. And so he's just like riding this golf cart through this huge like herd of zebras. And I think I remember hearing at one point that zebras are like not the, not the nicest animals. No, they're jerks. And they're dumb as dirt too. Like dumber than a domestic horse? I would say so, yes. And definitely meaner. Did they have them in Zimbabwe on your farm? We didn't have them on the farm, but they are native there. Our farm was mostly

fenced in, so we didn't have them coming and going. But they're native. We saw them a lot. They are dumb. They are mean. I don't dislike them as an animal, but they're just not like, they look pretty. I guess they're an expensive mobile lawn ornament. That's what I'd consider them. Yeah, exactly. So this George Hill guy, conservation wise, is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, he's hunting his own food. He's not like buying into the factory farming or anything like that. What are your thoughts on that? Is it good for conservation? No. Like he's got exotic animals where they don't belong, you know. But when you take a step back and those animals can cause damage, they can erode the earth, you know, they don't belong in that ecosystem.

Right. Okay. But when you take a step back from that and you consider that the guy owns his land, right, it's 850 acres, the meat he's getting, and I don't know everything about George Hill, but the meat he's getting, he goes out and hunts. These animals are breeding freely. It's all fenced in, so they supposedly kind of scape. It's illegal in Texas. So, like, from an ethicality standpoint, you know, what he's doing, going out and shooting a kangaroo on his own property, even though it probably cost a lot to get the kangaroos there, probably better for the environment than going to In-N-Out Burger and ordering four double-doubles. You know, so it's like, it's like a catch-22.

People look at it and go, how could you do that one asshole? You're going out and shooting these things and you're putting these animals here. Yes, and I don't think everyone should or can do it, but is his environmental impact lower because of it? it might be. Well, it's one of those things because, you know, at first when Rogan would talk about going bow hunting and stuff, it would kind of annoy me a little bit because I, I just hate, like, thinking about animals getting hurt at all. But then, like, I thought about it quite a bit. And I was like, well, that's definitely probably better than, like, what's going on when I buy meat from, like, foster farms at the, at the grocery store. There's definitely some truth to that.

Those, those big mass farming places have a lot worse of an environmental impact than, someone going out, and this part is key, sustainably harvesting their own meat. Because there is ethical, they're sustainable, and there's legal. And if you check all three of those boxes, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. There you go.

Straight from the ugly zebra's mouth. So three young boys, teenagers, in South America, three young teens decided they wanted to turn into Spider-Man. And so they were able to procure a black widow spider. Oh my God. And they all intentionally let the Black Widow bite them. Jesus, boy. Now here's where it gets interesting, guys.

It didn't work. Go figure. But it made me think, if you could let an animal bite you, but then you would get its powers. You got to go through the bite, though. You got to go through the bite. What animal would you pick and why? Ooh, interesting. Peter, go for it.

Is this our Battle Royale tonight? No. No, fuck. This is a pre-pre-plooded to the Battle Royale. It's the Amuse Bouch. Peter, go for it. Well, I'm going to go with a fucking bald eagle. I'd take a bite from a bald eagle so that I could fly and fucking peck and hunt mice and whatever the fuck they eat.

I thought you were going to go with a rat so you could have a needlepoint tail. No, mate. After the 10,000 rats, I'm done with rats forever. I would go octopus. I would let an octopus bite me. They have a nasty little beak on them, don't they? but I like the idea of having nine hearts. Yeah.

Because then I could live a lot longer. Certainly. I would do a lot of cocaine if that was the case, because I would just go through a few hearts. Yeah. I could change color to blend into my surroundings, which would be nice. That would be cool. Yeah.

I'd go into the local Macy's and steal some underwear after they closed. These are good tools. They wouldn't see that I was there. I'd go octopause. You'd also be very tasty and a, coveted meal for humans with big brains to try and kill you and eat. So that's, I mean, you'll have that going for you. Oh, so negative. You was so negative today. Dude, I can't deal with the shirts off. It's making me real moody, dude. It's brutal. You guys are just flexing and it's crazy.

I'm sorry that we're in great shit. I don't know what to say about it. It's just good lighting. Peter, just take your shirt off. I know you want to. I know. I do, but I got to go get a white claw before I did. I'm going to go from a bite from the common goldfish so that I could breathe underwater and have no pain as a result. Yeah, I wouldn't feel it and the results are tremendous. It's interesting that forest went last and had the only sensible answer of the bunch. What are you talking about a fucking bald eagle man? I could fly. That's going to take a pound of flesh. So hold on, let's circle back to the Bolivian Spider-Man. Here's what I don't understand. Here's understand, where did they get a black widow in Bolivia where they don't occur?

Ooh. Now, these are the questions. Do you think these kids went on a hunt for a black widow? Like, they had someone bring it into Bolivia to have it bite them. Like, how did this happen? I have a theory. What's your theory? I mean, it's the correct theory.

They bought it online with Bitcoin, obviously. You're probably right. It's the only logical answer. But that is a bit of an animal mystery. It is. Which segues us, too. Drum roll, please. Animal Mysteries.

Yeah. Love it. Very, very popular segment. People absolutely, I mean, thousands of people hitting me up on DM. They are loving it. I don't know for us. This one, I don't know if you're going to be able to solve this. Lay it on me.

Big time. Or maybe I'm stupid. You look stupid for sure. Well, I mean, look. John Gardner. I look great. John Gardner is a nice guy. He's just driving his truck, pickup truck.

On Tuesday afternoon, he's cruising down the U.S. Highway 501 in South Carolina. It's the first clue. All of a sudden, he sees a big black, he describes it as a big black dot flying towards him through the sky. All of a sudden, it hits his windshield, who smashes his windshield, which nearly causes him to crash the car. he manages to safely get his car into the shoulder to discover an alien a two foot in diameter turtle lodged in his windshield that had flown from the sky into his windshield flying turtle can I answer first because I know the answer yes go Peter go ahead the turtle obviously got bit by a

bald eagle gained the powers of the bald eagle and then shortly after lost the powers and fell out of the sky. That must be it. I thought you were going to say that the turtle went online and purchased wings using Bitcoin, Peter. I'm going to break this down into a couple pieces. So we're in South Carolina. There are a number of native turtle species. I'm guessing that this was a slider, two foot in diameter, meaning a big, hard-sheled turtle.

The only other turtles that get that big are snapping turtles, but odds are they're too heavy to be lifted or up in the air. And the soft-shell turtle, which if that hit a windshield at 60 miles an hour, would leave a very big smear, but probably not crack it. Right. So we've got it, we've narrowed it down to a big slider, big, probably yellow belly slider, two foot long, hard shell turtle. Now the question is, what got this animal up to being hit, up to windshield height?

Now, there have been freak incidences in the past where it has literally rained fish, frogs and turtles. One of the ten plagues from the Bible is of raining frogs, I believe. Yeah, frogs. And that historians have trained. trace that back to being one of these weird occurrences where negative pressure actually sends groups of animals into the air and then deposits them in other places. Would that be possible with an animal this large?

I don't know, as I'm not a meteorologist, but I don't think that a single individual flying turtle... You're a broologist. That's right, I'm a pro-ologist, is the case. So, I'm going to say that the only possible answer, no freeway overpass, nothing like that, Patrick? No freeway overpass. And no more hints. No more hints.

So the answer to the animal mystery Is that a very large turtle was picked up by what I can only imagine was an osprey An aquatic fish and turtle eating bird Launched into the air up in the air That bird realized it could no longer carry such a heavy meal and dropped it Over the freeway where our nice man whose name I've forgotten was driving way too fast and a turtle came crashing through his windshield So if the Osprey was flying in the opposite direction, right? So as if it was like in the other lane, it's flying at how fast do you think an

Osprey could fly with a heavy turtle? Let's say... 15 miles an hour? Yeah, let's say 15 miles an hour. So it's moving at 15 miles an hour in the opposite direction. It releases it. That turtle is now going to be continuing to move at 15 miles an hour as it falls from the sky.

In addition to hitting terminal velocity because it will be falling down. So the speed will actually increase with gravity. Hence the black dot that he sees coming at him from the sky directly into his windshield. All right. Well, I mean, that was my guess. That's what I said. I said that that's exactly what I said. No, you said that a bald eagle bit the turtle and the turtle gained the power of flight as a result.

That is the exact same thing. It did. Mystery solved. History solved. All right. So what was it? What actually happened? I mean, are you just...

They don't know. They don't know. What kind of animal mystery is this? He didn't pull the turtle out of the windshield and the turtle was like, you're never going to guess. Are you sure? Because if he did. It wasn't part of the story if he did. All right.

Oh, boy. I think Forrest just solved it, though. I'll buy that 100%. Yeah, like that. I think that is definitely a better solve than what we had for the exploded squirrel and Lake Arrow. Yeah, that was something. That was a good guess. That was a tough one, though.

What I think really happened with the Lake Arrowhead one was her insane neighbors were just carrying squirrels around and throwing them at people's houses. Probably. That's the obvious answer. There's not a lot else to do up there. Squirrel tossing is a good tag. So speaking of small to not small things that fly around that go unseen, I saw something, and you guys know how much it tickles my fancy. when there's a rediscovery of a giant blue bee that was rediscovered. But here's what I love about the story.

We think Big Big Bee rediscovered, okay, some jungle in Borneo or somewhere in Africa that nobody's been. Guess where this blue bee happened to be rediscovered, Peter? And don't say anything about the internet or Bitcoin, you idiot. That's so negative and shirtless. I mean, you're alluding to the fact that it's like something insane. I'm just going to go ahead and say that it's like Alaska. Well, let me ask you this.

What's the most insane state in North America? Fucking Alaska. No, it's Florida, clearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That was a very long-winded way of getting to that in Florida, scientists found a blue bee, beautiful-looking bee, that hasn't been seen in five years flying around,

and they are attributing the fact that this animal is out and about to coronavirus. Wow. Interesting. How so? What was it doing before? You know, I don't know. I mean, and that's one of the things is it's a big world. There's a lot of places to hide. And this bee obviously had, no pun intended, flown under the radar for the last five years or so. And yeah, all of a sudden, 17 of them, it wasn't just one of them, popped up in the Lake Wales area, which is exactly where we shot an episode of Extincter Alive, by the way, very remote, very swampy.

scientists found this incredible looking blue bee. And it's the first time it's been seen in five years. So really exciting rediscovery. It is. And it's, uh, it's right in your wheelhouse. Is it, it's not an extinct animal, though. It's just a, it's just a rare find. Well, basically, extinction is on a 30-year timeline. So if this animal had gone another 25 years without being found, it basically, it more or less would have been considered extinct. But it did five years. At that point, we call it a lost species. And then sure enough, turn back up. Blue bee, man. That's kind of cool. What makes it blue? What would be the advantage for a bee being blue?

Well, blue, it's really interesting when it comes to nature. Blue is the rarest natural color in nature. And you think of a bird, you think of a snake, you think of a lizard, whatever. You don't think of blue. So it turns out blue is one of the rarest colors in nature. And I don't know this bee. I don't know that much about it other than the small article I've read. But my guess would be that this animal has this unique blue coloration for sexual selection.

so that other bees of the same species, the same way a peacock is bright blue, stands out. It's not good for hiding from wild animals because it's such a rare color, it stands out, but it is really good for sexual selection. So if you're in a swarm of honeybees and you're the bright blue one, and another bee of that same species is looking up at said swarm, they can pick you out to mate with you. That's how I get picked out to be mated with. No one's ever picked you.

I wear blue shirts. And you're the shape of a bee, the shape of a bumblebee. I have a mean sting, too. So you better put a shirt on next time with a fucking podcast. You're nasty. You're on a fucking shoulder. Dude, like from planet Earth and life and a lot of those high-end, like, wildlife documentaries, you know, there's all this great footage of, like, bird mating rituals,

like the birds of paradise and quite a few other ones. It's always the male bird that has the wild colors and the wild plumage and all that. And then, like, you look at the birds of paradise, the males are, like, these crazy, insane colors, and they do these dances. The female bird of paradise is just, just like a little brown smudge. Yep, and there's a reason for that. Why? Why? Why is, why does the male have to show off so much?

I mean, humans, it's the same goddamn thing. It is. We show off. Look at you too now. That's what I'm saying. It's like the males, the order has to show off. It is, it's a good observation. And this might not be the most popular opinion, because I feel it's the case with humans and animals. We're expendable. As males, we are biologically expendable, right?

The three of us are all, interchangeable, right? One woman has to raise a baby. One female has to nurture and raise that baby. You need a breast milk. You need her to incubate it. You need to grow the fetus. Everything else, right? But any one of us, three on this call, could impregnate that woman and create offspring. So males are, they are useless. So we really are. We are. God damn it. We're 100% right. We're walking dicks. And, you know, we are expendable. So nature makes it so that, you know, only the strongest male survives and a good way of testing it is make sure every male is peacocking right everyone is the buffest the biggest the standoutest you know if you're a peacock you're the one with the

biggest tail feathers that gets mated with well guess what if you have the biggest tail feathers you're also the most useless at flight so what nature does is it goes hey if you're the biggest you can mate but you still have to actually survive the gauntlet of life in order to pass on your genetics Right. And that's why you always have all these males that have these show off colors and looks and even things that they do, like the Birds of Paradise building the nest that expend tons of energy. Because if they can survive that and survive the wild, then they're worthwhile to mate with. When you put it like that, it's so grim. It is. It is so grim. But you're 100% right. I mean, you need like, the whole world needs like a hundred males to sustain our population. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. No, you could just be a pump factory. I mean, you could look. literally just walking around and pregnant and go down to Venice Beach Bardwalk when there isn't a pandemic and tell me that's not exactly what's going on.

Like you don't have a bunch of males, shirts optional, you know, sweaty. They're way too big. Not one of them can run a quarter mile. You know what I mean? Like they are. And you have a bunch of girls uggling them. And that's, you know, it's a birds of paradise all over again. Are the girls ukewing them?

I mean, are women attracted to like big musseling meatheads? Or are they attracted to like meager little? little wusses like Pat. I think when you say uggling them, you mean just going, ugh. Uggling them. Yeah, I mean, according to this, just this first source that I found and the math makes sense, a male human could reproduce 1,800 times per year. Right.

Whereas a female human can reproduce once a year. Yep. Right. Exactly. So we are garbage. Yeah, we're a waste. We are a waste and none more so than Peter. My mom was right.

Your mom called you a waste. dude, that explains a lot about you for real. He said he was a mistake. He got some issues. It's why you got your shirt off right now. Which is true. By the way, I've taken several screen grabs of you guys in many different positions while we've been zooming and they will all be going on the wild times podcast.com. There will be a gallery

of the photographs. So everybody can see you flexing and looking at your muscles and just generally being like horrible, horrible fucking dicks that walk around and try and fuck everything. That is us. All right, guys, is it time for the thing that, I mean, literally every listener's been waiting for or what? Yeah, it's time.

Before, I'm going to introduce the battle royale, but before I do, I got to give a shout out to Will Kell O'Hare. He's our new producer for the Wild Times podcast, and Will has been absolutely smashing it. He put together the show doc today, and he came up with five insanely awesome battle Royal concepts. And I know we usually make them up on the fly, but Will's are like, they're just such a step above what we've come up with. They really are. They're better than prison meals. When I talk to Will on the phone, he's like, that's my dream. I was like, yeah, we just want a list of Battle Royals to go. He's like, that's my dream. And I was like, this is our guy.

Well, he did a good job. Which one are we going with for us? Let's dig in. So here we are, guys. Here's the hypothetical. It's five billion years in the future. All humans are extinct. The three of us fine gentlemen board a spaceship and return to Earth, only to find that unfettered evolution has crowned a new animal species king of the earth. Which three animals would be at the top of that list? And how would they have changed in five billion years of evolution? Okay, so are we creating a new animal or what are we doing?

We're each picking one? Let's take one. Let's do one, right? Who is the king of the earth? how has he changed? So we need to put ourselves, five billion years ago, T-Rex was king. Right. Right. T-Rex, he gone. Yeah. Yeah. But that's, but so you really have free reign here to say who the king of the earth is now. Humans are not, not on their radar and why. And I know mine, so I'll go first. Okay. Go ahead. All right. So it's five. If you take mine,

if you take mine, I'm done with this podcast. If he takes yours out of all the possibilities, I know that there's definitely something going on between the two of you. That's, yeah. We have a nice penis-to-butt connection that really helped us. Oh, my goodness. I know you do. No doubt. Nothing wrong with that. All right, so here's mine.

So we land, we exit the spaceship, and just as the T-Rex was once king, here stands at 35 feet tall, a mega-insect. Now, this is no normal insect. It's been five billion years. Insects have been able to evolve. They've been able to distribute blood across their entire bodies, growing larger and larger. This animal, closest relation of a cockroach has six legs. It stands 35 feet tall.

It has the mandibles of two enormous chainsaws, the claws of a praying mantis, the jacked legs of a locust that are the diameter. I don't know. They're just really big. Yeah, they're huge. You sound like you're talking about yourself today. And it runs down its prey on the plains of North America, the mega ant. It is terrifying.

It's the gargantor roach. Oh, God, dude. Disgusting. Horrific. Well, I'll tell you what. Wait, is it smart? First of all. Hold on, though.

I have a question. One real quick question. Does it have a big, like, is it, did it take over just because it's, like, big? Or does it actually have, like, a brain and was able to, able to do things and fuck it? Like, is there a society? Are they building buildings? Are they just walking around in the fucking jungle? Like, what's happening?

No, mammals are, as I said before, birds had their turn. Reptiles had their turn. Mammals have had their turn. It's insects turn. It's insects. Yeah. Just a lot of burrows and holes. Now, let me ask you this.

Insects currently, now they don't have brains, right? They have these clusters of nerves called fused ganglion. Has that morphed into a brain? Do they have any new powers? they still just skittering around my fucking kitchen floor. No, it's five billion years in the future. Your kitchen floor is long gone, mate. They do not have mammal brains.

They have nothing but pure instinct to kill and eat the way your cockroach does today. God. They reproduce and they murder. Earth has turned into a total nightmare. Like, I'm assuming all the intelligent life has moved to other planets in your. universes by now. It's hell here. And just these idiot fucking cockroaches are running around in this

shithole planet. Gargantor roach, okay. Gargantirote. hashtag. All right, well, so my animal, which is going to compete with the gargantorote and overcome it, and actually take over one year after this, has gone in the opposite direction. Evolution has changed my animal in a different way. what happened was the octopus. Of course. Came up out of the ocean because in the process of fucking up the planet, we messed up the ocean pretty bad. There's no more delicious fish and yellow tail and mahi-mahi

and, you know, if you want even a nice piece of ahi tuna to eat. So the octopus came up. I don't know exactly how it works, but they no longer need to live underwater. And they are now land animals. in the process of these billions and billions of years, they just didn't need to be as big. They didn't need as much size.

Because they're mostly eating ants now, right? And so they're tiny. I mean, they are the size of your average. So each octopus is about the size of just a good-sized ant. And there are billions of them per acre. Jesus. So, I mean, you can't even see the grass anymore. It's like barely any.

grass is surviving because the sunlight can't even penetrate through this never-ending carpet of octopus that are just all over. And they are climbing up the legs of these cockroaches. It's a problem for the cockroaches. You had nightmares about the cicadas last night, didn't you? I can hear this is stuck with you. I can't stop itching because I'm thinking about the cicadas. I mean, I held off this time.

Are you done with that? Yeah, wait, let's give it a name. Except I want to name it. And it's the, instead of octopus, it's slightly changed. And it's, it's now called the octopuses. Because they're cute, like a little wreathus pieces. More candy bullshit. All right, all right.

Well, no, it was in forest. It was stupid and ridiculous and you're both idiots. So, sorry. So how are you going to beat the gargantia roach and the octopoeces? Well, first, before I get into that, I'm a little, a little irritated just because I've known you for so long, Pat. and I know that you wrote a paper in high school or you had like a thesis on why an insect could never get as big as forest's insect.

And I'm a little annoyed that you didn't even bring it up or contest his nonsensical idea of what would happen with these insects in five billion years. It's been five billion years. Evolution has changed them. A lot's happened, bro. Okay. Fine.

Yeah. All right. Whatever. Earth didn't exist five billion years ago. So I will, I will. A cockroach can get. All right. I will now explain the correct, legitimate answer of what will honestly have happened in 5 billion years. We return to Earth, the three of us, you with your idiotic assumptions that animals of some type will still be ruling or even walking around on this fucking rock.

And it will be a rock. It will be a rock with no vegetation. It will be covered in volcanic ash and rock, but it won't matter. There will be no atmosphere. I don't even know how we landed or stayed on the rock. What is going on? But it will not matter because, much like the sound with which my blue whale enters the picture,

all that's left is the consciousness of humanity. That's just floating. That's terrible. And entering our minds as what? That's garbage. Terrible? You're an idiot. So wait, are we like able to perceive what?

Yeah. The fuck. I wasn't done, mate. We enter. We enter onto the rock. I don't even know why we went back when we saw it was a fucking rock covered in volcanic ash. You get idiots. I was like, let's not go there.

We got to go somewhere else. Nostalgia. That's right. Yeah. And then obviously the consciousness of humanity, we're evolved, man. Computers, AI. It's all taken over. It's all combined together.

It's floating around in the ether of the universe. And it enters our mind. We're the only physical beings left. in physical beings. That's right. Not beings. I said beans like lentils. I know they scare you, Pat.

Forest. I've had a couple white claws. I don't know. This is a hard one. Fuck you, Will. Okay? All right? This is tough.

All right. So, do us a favor. Thank you so much to everyone who's left comments. It's fun to see who the viewers slash listeners are thinking are winning. Yep. Let us know. Is it forest gargantiroch, my octopoeces, or whatever acid trip? I lost this one.

I should have taken my shirt off. Yeah, so, Melena, when you do our art for this one, just keep in mind you get to build a 35-foot cockroach with chainsaw mouth. You get to build the world's cutest octopoeces and then just leave a blank space for whatever Peter just explained. That is some air. That's right. Maybe I should have taken my shirt off. I would have had a better answer. All right.

Yeah, you would have. I thought you were at least going to say there was like a cloud of Wi-Fi floating where everyone's consciousness was available. I had too many, too much fucking white claw running through my brain to complete the fucking vision. All right. We're recording this at 3 p.m. by the way, everyone. Well, Peter, your fucking thing is really stupid. It's a cloud. Nobody likes it.

It's true. It's nonsense. You will gain redemption next week. And I got to tell you, we also have a special guest next week. week. I talked to my long-time buddy, Jordan Mayshock, aka J-dub, and we're going to call him up, and

he said that he's got some shitty stories of me to tell about the many number of times that I've almost killed him spearfishing. So next week, we're going to do the spearfishing podcast. We're going to talk about free diving, spear fishing, and we're going to have Jordan weigh in on how I'm pretty much the world's best diver.

Yeah, right. And that'll be lots of fun. So until then, I think we will say good night. Good night.