Wild Times: Wildlife Education - Cross River Gorillas, Time Travel, and Pat is a Poopy Pants Fibber

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

Retep unloads on Pat for getting lost in the wilderness over the weekend, The crew travels through time, and Forrest conveys his profound affection for a mutual friend. We're talking primates, jewfish, dingos, and more. Join Forrest Galante, Pat, and Retep on today's silly audio adventure! Follow @wildtimespod on IG, Twitter, and FB. More at https://thewildtimespodcast.com We love you!

Finally, we are back with the Wild Times, episode 15. Wild Time. He is gorgeous. He is the 5-foot-2 version of Steve Aoki. He's got long flowing hair. He's got a strong jaw line. I mean, he is a gorgeous, tiny little Filipino man. I am joined today by Peter, who's looking, you're looking good, Peter.

You look like you got some sun. Your hair's nice and salt-dusted. I think he doesn't want me to talk about, but I think this new girl, friend is doing him well. Yeah, agreed. Shut up, you haven't been introduced yet. This is my time. I thought you were happier. Not whenever I see your dumb face. I'm actually quite upset with you, and we can talk about it later. But thanks for...

Let's circle back to that. Thanks for the introduction for us. Glad to see you're both alive and well. Happy to be here. Yeah. And by both, he means we are once again joined by Mr. Patrick DeLuca, who is still on the East Coast in the lakehouse. What's up with that, Pat? Yeah, it's just fantastic here. Yeah, I just got back from a shoot in Utah late last night. Had some animal encounters. I'd like to ask you about Forrest, but we'll get into that later.

Great. Feeling good. Good. Yeah. So everybody's good. There's good energy today. Everybody's up. Peter looks healthy for a change.

It's the light. He hasn't had a dose of Taco Bell yet today to ruin his health. How are you doing, man? Yeah. Forrest Galante. You didn't introduce yourself. Did I not introduce myself? What a mess?

Wildlife host extraordinaire, Forrest Galant. Bro-Ologist. I am doing very well. I'm home. I'm finally recovered from the Alaska shoot, which was strenuous. Had a great workout session this morning, eating healthy today, feeling good, lots of energy. I'm good. How was the food on the shoot in Alaska?

Were you eating, like, grim turkey sandwiches and stuff like that? It was revolting. It's such a pity because we're in a state. that is just abundant with delicious creatures. I mean, there's salmon and halibut and elk and moose and like all this great stuff to eat and wild mushrooms. And we had, like you said, just soggy turkey sandwiches every day for lunch. The guy who ran the facility typically hires a deckhand and a cook, but we were his only clients this year.

So his mom was the chef for the place. Nice. And Mama made a lot of deep fried. You were still eating their leftover turkey from Thanksgiving on a sandwich. Yeah, it wasn't great. But you know what? It was par for the course, and we did catch a lot of nice halibut that we cooked up ourselves, which was great. Nice.

You had a very different experience. I was on a shoot there, and we were on Admiralty Island, and their one town is called Angoon. And we were staying with this old couple that were probably, I would guess the guy was maybe 70, and the woman was like six. and he would make us unbelievable breakfast and dinner every night but like for dinner he would go out on the boat while we were out filming catch a bunch of halibut

come back and make us like beautiful like fish and chips and like I had said the night before he was like you want fish and chips tomorrow I said yeah you know we put the malt vinegar on it I come to find out that he had also flown his seaplane back to the mainland to get the malt vinegar that day. No way. So like every meal was and then fresh desserts every night with

berries that he would go out and pick. What the hell were you doing for these people? Were you sucking his dick? I mean, he flew his plane to the mainland. To get malt vinegar because I mentioned I liked it. What a guy, man. That is a very different experience to mine. Our guy who I won't name, he, uh, like if, if I looked in a different direction, he's like, oh, that's going to be an extra 500 bucks. If you want to go that way, if you want to walk 30 feet that way, that's, that's 500 more dollars. There's no way you can go that way. It was one of those. It was brutal. Well, I remember when we were in the Bahamas forest and we were filming there and we quickly

realized the food from our lodge was catastrophically shit. And you and the boys just started spear fishing every day and I've never eaten so much delicious saviche in my life. Yeah, that was a game changer. Yeah, we were just like, you know what? That's enough of this nonsense. It's time to go get some hogfish and make some good food. Oh, man.

The benefits of having a broologist with you while you travel. That's right. And a Johnny who's a useless idiot. Yeah, he's a fucking dork. Wait, so why are you mad at me, Retep? Oh, did I mention that already? Yeah. You did.

Well, first of all, because, you know, sometimes when we do this podcast, you guys are always on adventures, and I'm always the one that has to corral you too and kind of set everything up. And it's totally reasonable and understandable. But, you know, this week, you did this thing where we couldn't get a hold of you, which is whatever.

I mean, it's part for the course. But then you did that thing where you, I mean, obviously just blurted out a ridiculous excuse lie when you were talking about, you know, what was wrong and why you hadn't replied. And I'm going to read it exactly

and break it down a little bit where I knew it was a lie. I was using my iPhone. Hold on. I was using my iPhone to navigate a super, remote GPS coordinate and a puff and a puff. English is a preferred language. I pulled a forest. Sorry. Coordinate. And a puff of electrical smoke shot out the top and it was dunzo.

Got a new one up and running. Still in Vernal, Utah. So a puff of electrical smoke? I, that's ridiculous. I have the old phone. Okay, so here's the thing. So for a long time have been, as the kids say, riding dirty with. my phone. No case, right? I drop it constantly. So it has a bunch of cracks and stuff where the

plastic has peeled away. So I got to Vernal. I drove from Salt Lake. It was 100 degrees. Went straight to the COVID testing place, got the fucking pipe in the nose, which is not feel good. Does not feel good. And, uh, tickled the brain. I was then driving because I was now late because it took so goddamn long to get the COVID test to meet the crew. There's no address. It's just a GPS point. It's just a GPS in the height at 8,100 feet an hour from the nearest town. And I'm holding the phone as I'm driving down a dirt road. And it just goes out of the left corner, just a puff of smoke. The left corner.

How long did you plan this lie out? I mean, you're basic, these details are nonsensical. Only people who are making up a lie put things like a puff of electrical smoke. Why not just smoke? First of all, so no bullshit. This is all real. it comes out, it stinks up the car and it's like it scared me. It shut down immediately.

So I've now got this smoke in the car, phone fried, and no idea how to get to where I'm going or how to get back to the town. So it was a fucking nightmare, dude. Right. It must have been super remote. But then what confused me more is that you were in this super remote location somewhere out in the fucking wilderness. And then you said, got a new one up and running.

And I was like, well, where are they? Do they have an iPhone factory out there? Where did you get a new iPhone immediately? So I didn't get one immediately. I was without a phone for four days. And obviously on productions, we have something called a production assistant. And that is basically the person that's- Well, hold on now.

Not all productions do we have a production? I've literally never seen a production assistant in my life. They're more mythical than the extinct creatures that I look for. I would love a production assistant. We luckily had two local PAs. I didn't even have to go to the store to do it. Got a new phone, the iPhone 11. Right.

And I needed a new one anyway. So fuck off. Yeah, all right. I mean, did you get a case? I will get, I didn't get a case yet. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Fool me once, mate.

I will give you credit, though. You do have to corral for us and I and we are a couple of pricks when it comes to, when we're out in the bush we sort of lose contact with the other people in our lives so I'm sorry for that I do apologize Forrest was more upset than I was Oh yeah I was furious

Oh yeah I didn't even notice but I was for sure Yeah I saw the chain with force like Haven't heard from Patrick yet today going surfing Bye That's when I sent you a picture of me on the beach with a booch craft I was like yep I already made that decision 17 angry text messages where you're like I can't reach you fuckers

I don't know if we're recording. I don't know where you are. I'm going to the beach. Forrest just sends, I can feel the frustration in these messages. It's like, not anymore. Food crap. Wait, so are you a surfer for us? I didn't know you surfed.

Yeah, I dabble. I'm not a very, I'm not like a great surfer. When I was younger, I used to like do little comps and meats and stuff like that when I was living on the Central Coast. But now it's just, it's like the one solo activity that I do.

It's just like my one thing. So you can't really free dive solo. You really got to go with someone for safety reasons. and everything else. But if I'm just like, all right, I need to get outside and be by myself for a bit. In the summertime, like now, and it's, you know, it's literally like 98 out today. I'd much rather just go surf in the water by myself than go for a hike in the heat. Yeah, for sure.

You guys see that actress from Glee who drown in Lake Pairoo in Southern California? Yeah, that's like an hour for me. I was just looking at that, like, yeah, just this morning. That's nuts. It's a little man-made reservoir. It's not a very big lake at all. but they found her four-year-old son on the boat sleeping and he was like yeah my mom didn't come back how i mean if you are someone who can swim right obviously people drown all the time

people actually that can swim for us you spend a lot of your life in the water like just wildly speculating how does someone who knows how to swim drown in a in a calm lake i'm guessing she hit her head because so the story from what i read and for all the listeners that might not have read the story. So this actress from Gleam, blanking on her name, Naya Rivera, Naya Rivera went to Lake Peru with her son. They rented a little boat or they had a boat. They went out and her son was found alone, four years old, on the boat. And he said, my mommy got in the water and never came back. Now, apparently this is her happy place. She'd been to Lake Peru a whole bunch of time. She swims there all the time. So she knows what she's doing.

She obviously knows how to drive a boat, all of that. And I don't, I haven't, I don't know about the autopsy, but I'm guessing she wasn't hacked up by the props of the boat or anything like. that. Right. It's a little pontoon boat, you know, it's probably... Yeah. So I'm guessing she hit her head. I kind of think of anything else. Like, it has to be something else. I don't think she just went for a swim and all of a sudden drowned. I think she hit her head or maybe she had cardiac issues or rest or breathing issues or who knows what, but there's, it just doesn't add up that she'd just be out, you know, going for a swim and then sink to the bottom. I think she had to have had some kind of accident. There was, well, so what, but what would happen to the body? Because they haven't found the body still.

They just found it today. They found it today. Oh, they did. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So did they, well, so I heard that they, they couldn't find her because she, and I didn't know, I don't know if it was because this is how she drowned or they, this is why they couldn't find the body. But that there's like a lot of this kind of like seaweed or some kind of plant down there that she like got tangled in or some shit. And then that's why they couldn't find the body.

I don't think it's why they said that she might have drowned though. Have you ever heard of anyone getting like tangled in kelp? Like, could you get tangled, get your leg tangled? in a kelp bed and then panic and drown? For sure. The only way that would happen is like you just said panic. So, you know, when we free dive out here in California, you are free diving through the kelp. And a lot of the times you come up in what's called the canopy, which is where all the

kelp lays down on top of the surface. And it gets like black under there with darkness. It gets so thick. It's a foot thick. And you literally kind of see the light. But if you just swim up slowly and literally put your hands in front of you and part it, you can just go right through it and slide literally right through it. and it's not an issue at all.

But if you're not familiar with something like that, you get the kelp wrapped around your leg or over your shoulders or your neck and it pulls your mask off and you panic, it could absolutely lead to drowning. Yeah, I can see that. But I don't think that would happen in the lake. Because, I mean, there is a lot of that lake weed,

not duckweed, I'm blanking on the name, but that lake weed that grows in all of these reservoirs in Southern California, but it's a foot or too tall. I mean, it would just, there's no real way. Like, you'd have to have tens of pounds, tens of thousands of pounds of it dumped on top of you to, like, pin you down. It's like, you know, if you kick a little weed in the lake, you're not like, oh, my God, and panic and drown. You're just like, ugh, I touch something with my foot.

Because, yeah, it was around 40 feet deep where she was. There's no kelp there, right? Kelp's obviously an ocean plant. Correct. So, yeah, what a bum ski. But as I was looking at the, because I, you know, I checked the L.A. news. That's all of our sort of home base area. And I saw that they found the body. and then I also saw this another piece of great news,

which was that, you know, we live along the San Andreas fault. Anyone who knows the Southern California area has heard about that the big ones coming, right? Right. The earthquake that's just going to fuck everything up and all the buildings are going to fall and it's going to be so terrible. You know, the plates are going to shift. Well, a bulletin of the seismological society of America has said, Ron. Ron.

A real mustache twirler. Yeah. It said that because of the small earthquakes that happened last year, I don't know if you guys remember those little movers and shakers that we got in L.A. last year. I do. Yeah. The odds of the big one are actually a hundred times higher than they thought. And they're now saying each year we will have a 2% chance, 2.3% chance, 2.3%. 3% chance of having a massive devastating earthquake on any given year from that fault.

Did you say this was good news? I was joking because the news is so bad across the board. A long time for that to pay off there. I don't know if you know this for that. Forrest and I went through a massive earthquake in Ecuador. What happened with that? So it was an 8.9. Yeah.

Dude, that's ridiculous. What does it go up to? 10? I mean, isn't that like one of the highest? I've ever even heard of it's one of the strongest earthquakes ever recorded. And it was the biggest one that year. And I think it was the biggest one in at least a decade. And yeah, one of the strongest ones ever recorded, period, or something like that.

We were rattled. Yeah, quite literally. Did it rattle you enough to take your lips off for a sass for a moment, pet? He's still mad about the Battle Royale last week. But wait, so where were you guys located? Because this is something I always think about. If there's a big earthquake, if I'm in my apartment or something. some shit in a building where I'm in the second floor. I'm always like, oh, I'll be fine. But what if

the fucking ceiling falls on? Interesting. So we were, we had just wrapped up our shoot, big, big important shoot, and we were in the airport in Guaya Kill, Ecuador, about to get on the plane to come home. And what's really interesting about this, there's a funny part of the story, is I remember, I don't know if you remember this, Patrick, there was a whole glass wall. Yeah. Right before you turned left to where the bar was. was that we went to. There was a whole glass wall. And I remember I walked in and I was like, that's so weird. None of those birds are nesting right now. And there was just like 10,000 birds staying off of the wall. And there was all these little swiflets or they might have been swallows

that were nesting there. And I was like, that's so weird that none of them are going in their nests. And I was like, yeah. And I remember noticing that, but I didn't say anything because I was just like, yeah, it's weird. The birds are hanging out off of their nests. And then 20 minutes later, we're inside the airport lounge bar. And it's pretty funny. Patrick Mitchell, who we have to on the show at some point because he's a good yarn. He's our principal cameraman and myself are standing at the bar and it's me and then to the right of me is Patrick and then as the bar turns to where the door to the kitchen is is Mitchell, right? And we've just ordered, I think it was mimosas, but it was. Screwdrivers. Screwdrivers. It's exactly what it was. We've just ordered screwdriver.

It was so early in the morning, it was still pitch black. So it was like 4.45 a.m. That's right. And so we stand there and we just get our drinks. We're literally each half, our very first sip of the drink. I think we just toasted her cheers a good shoot. And all of a sudden the ground starts to shake just a little bit. I mean, it got way gnarly, but just a little bit. And Mitchell's holding the drink up to his lips, lips pursed, ready to have his sip. And this guy just comes hammering through this two-way kitchen door and just smashes Mitchell with the door. His lips purse. The drink goes flying across the room. And the guy goes, earthquake, earthquake, and just goes sprinting out.

And Mitchell's just covered in fucking gin and juice now, looking at himself, all set. And Patrick and I are like chuckling, finish the sip of our drink and start to walk out. And we walk out of the airport lounge. We were like the only people in there to just pandemonium. I mean, people were just running and screaming. And then the big, then the big tremor actually hit. And it was like, oh, you're like kind of surfing on the ground. It felt like the ground was dropping out, right?

So it was like, it felt like you were falling. But you didn't feel the rise back up. It just was like a fall. Like it felt like the ground just fell four feet. It was a very strange sensation. So then we went back into the lounge. Chaos. None of the employees of the airport said a goddamn word to us.

So now we're just the only people still in the airport. We don't even know where people went. And the guy who was working at a little kiosk selling chicken sandwiches came in and started yelling at us in Spanish, to which I remember someone on the crew being like, I don't, do we have to listen to the chicken man? That was me, yeah. So we then free poured ourselves, started pouring ourselves drinks because there were no employees.

And then sirens started going off that were really loud. We walked back into the terminal and there was no longer anyone there. And we could see through the glass that 100% of the people in the airport were now on the tarmac. So we just started like finding doorways. And eventually worked our way out under the tarmac. And then... With a cocktail in hand that you had a cocktail in hand.

That's so great. And then Forrest immediately starts blasting some sort of, like, hip-hop music through his Bluetooth speaker on the tarmac. It was pretty fun, actually. I remember, I was like, let's get this party started. Let's see. These people seem down. It's time to bring up their moods.

And I put on some, I think it was like Avicchi, some house music and blared it on my Bluetooth. And just everybody just looked at us. Like, this is not the time for fun. You guys are the reason that Americans get a bad name for being fucking, you know, when they're traveling. They're like, look at these fucking American idiots. In this instance, yes, for sure. Indeed.

Indeed. Well, I'll drink to that. What do you have in there? Ooh, well, I just did a delightful collaboration with New Belgium, who makes fat tire. And they also make my new favorite beer, the purest clean logger. Oh, nice. I like the can. It's really nice.

It's really light. and they sent me 25 pallets of it. What? Or 25 cases of pallet of it. It's so much beer. Because I was like, yeah, that'd be sweet. I'd love to drink your beer. And the guy's like, I got you.

And this fucking crate of beer showed up to my house. Nice. There you go. A-list celebrity, man. Pays off. I wouldn't know. But being a D-list one's pretty sweet. I was just saying, can you imagine?

Yeah. That would even go as high as D. I'd say like a fucking M. You're like an M-less celebrity. I think it's a... It's time to do what's in the news. Oh, yeah. So, this is a good week, guys.

Do you know this? Are you aware of this? There's some good stuff happening in the news this week. Oh, that's good. Pretty exciting. Yeah. I haven't seen any of it. What is it?

Well, we need it because the world is in utter chaos. Everyone's lives are in shambles. The economy is surely going to crash at any point in time. So it's nice to read that seven cross-river gorillas, including infants of varying ages, were seen for the first time in Nigeria by WCS Wildlife Conservation Society, which is huge because these are extremely rare gorillas, the Cross River gorillas, and they haven't been seen in Nigeria since the 1980s. So this is like a huge rediscovery for science, and it's, I mean, I think there's, you know, COVID relations to why they're there, but I just think it's so great to see these guerrillas

reoccupying territory that they haven't been in in 40 years. Do you know how many there's There are of them? So seven of them were caught on trail camera total, which, you know, it doesn't sound like a lot. But given there are 11 groups in total of them, you know, and this would be a 12th group. And I'm guessing each troop is, you know, seven to 10 animals. That's a significant portion of the population. Yeah, that's huge. So now is there a potential downside to that that now that they're, thanks, man.

just got the beer just got the beer delivery from the old nephew is there a potential downside to it that you know now they're moving into areas that maybe will be closer to people when people come back out well I don't that's a good question I mean I don't think that this is

this is them moving into a territory that's very frequently seen I mean it's taking years for Nigerian WCS to even find these animals they could have been there This is a very remote part of Nigeria. It's in the MBE. Yeah, right on the border. Yeah, right on the border of Cameroon in Nigeria. Yeah, in the Mebby Mountains.

And I think it's extremely, you know, it's extremely remote. It's extremely isolated. It's 4,600 square miles of mountainous forest expanse. So it's not like, you know, this isn't exactly like in a village. I think the only downside, and you guys may or may not know this, is Nigeria is, arguably the world's leading hub for wildlife trafficking. It's where all of all of the animals that go from Africa to China for wet markets and Eastern Medicine and all the rhino horn, all the pangolin scales, they all filter through Nigeria. So the fact that there are gorillas that close to,

to home, so to speak, for a poaching hub is definitely, you know, reason for concern. But it's being monitored by WCS, the organization that found them. I mean, in a large protected park, I don't think there's a lot of gorilla poaching going on. It's not like, you know, gorilla dicks are making your dicks bigger in China or anything like that right now. So I think overall it's, I don't see any downside to it. I think it's really exciting. It's great to know that an animal that has a population of 300 has another troop of seven or eight animals.

Their range is expanding. They're in this mountainous forest. I mean, I think it's a win all around. Why do they put, like I know why they poach rhinos, right? They take the horn and they grind it up dick pills. Why are gorillas poached? Believe it or not, a lot of it is for bushmeat. So they are actually eating the guerrillas, which to you or I think that just sounds absolutely revolting.

But that is the main reason. I mean, it's a very, very poor area, especially in the Congo, where, you know, the biggest hub of the guerrillas more or less is. And yeah, they shoot them and eat them as bushmeat. Have you, besides the one you're looking at on the Google chat right now, have you ever seen a gorilla? Never in the wild. No, it's been a dream of mine. My mom has gone and done it. Oh yeah, she went to Congo, right? She did, yeah, Congo and to, what's neighboring to Congo? I'm blanking right now. Not Cameroon. It doesn't matter. But yeah, she went into Central Africa and went and saw the guerrillas. I've never seen one in the wild. I've certainly seen them in captivity,

which doesn't hold a candle to seeing one in the wild. But it's definitely way up there on my bucket list. Are gorillas super aggressive? You know, here's how I'd answer that. No primates are super aggressive. They're all territorial and they're all defensive and they will absolutely fight for their babies or fight for their habitat or their food. But no primates are aggressive. There is no such thing as a monkey that wants to kill you. A lion wants to kill you. A leopard wants to kill you. A monkey does not want to kill you. Well, but for Peter... Right. Yeah, for me. I could see that would be a problem. I felt a monkey joke come in use. Well, I'm just saying they might think you were encroaching.

You're also wildly off-putting. Like, as far as, like, a human being goes. Like, you're just a very killable person. What? You literally said that I look great today. You do. You do. You're thinking of a guerrillas terms. How can you say one thing and then just say the other thing?

I mean, there are days that Hitler looked great. But, you know, you don't see me going, hey, this guy's awesome. That motherfucker was so goddamn ugly. Was he good looking? Was Hitler good looking? No, he's heinous. And no, who else was really? hideous was Napoleon. You ever see what he looked like? Yeah. He's like four feet tall. Yeah, exactly. I read, I read that that was, that that was just a myth that they basically told the soldiers so

they wouldn't be afraid of him, that he really wasn't actually short. It could be true. The more you know, broologists. Wait, fuck. No, you're the professor, bro. You're the professor, you're the professor guy. He was five, six. I just looked it up. You just ate a dick. You just ate a dick with your professor. By the way, we got a new name for you and that's broducer. So, the bro-docer, bro-ologist, and the brofessor. Well, Patrick's name sounds very fecal. Good. Dude, I thought the same thing. Broducer. It sounds like you're saying I'm a pro-ducer. You're a bro-ducer, and that is the name. It will be used regularly from now on. I'm okay with it. Well, Forrest, I think my favorite thing I saw on the news this week, and I know that you've seen it.

How about a group are eating a shark in one bite? Oh, I loved it. What? I post. I post. It's so much fun. Peter, have you seen this? I haven't seen it, no, but it sounds interesting. Peter, are you familiar with what a grouper is? Yeah, it's a large fish. Very good. Well, there was a group of scientists off the coast of South Carolina who sent down an ROV.

Peter, what's an ROV? That is one of those little submarines that you are excited about potentially using sometime in your future. You're learning so much. I listen. I might not be fucking as smart and go on as many adventures, but I fucking listen. Yeah, you do. That's why you're the professor. That's right, Professor.

It's true. No, so a group of scientists off the coast of South Carolina sent down this ROV to 600 feet, which is funny, because it's the same depth I was just working in with our ROVs in Alaska, and they found something remarkable, which was this feeding frenzy of these small sharks on this big swordfish. And, you know, it's really cool to see anything in the benthos like that getting recycled, right? It's carbon uptake. It's something from the Pelagic zone up in the shell. shallow water going down to the benthos into the deep water zone and the nutrients from that going

into the environment through these sharks. So sure enough, these, you know, a couple dozen little reef sharks, they might be black tips, I'd have to look more closely, feeding on this carcass of the swordfish and the scientists are watching it with this ROB and they're like, oh my God, what a fine. This is amazing to see this carbon uptake, this thing happening in this deep water environment. And then sure enough, in comes this big, I think it's a war sore grouper. big, you know, lumbresome grouper with this grumpy look on its face. And they're like, oh, cool, a grouper's here to eat part of the decaying swordfish as well. And sure enough, in one foul swoop, he's just cruising around with what looks like a spaghetti noodle out of his mouth.

And it's the tail of one of these little sharks that he's gobbled up. Oh, my God. So, Gruper aren't typically they can't eat. I mean, they wouldn't do something like that. Or do they have teeth even? How did these things look? Yeah. Oh, no, they have big gnarly teeth.

But, but, I mean, a grouper will eat. anything that it can fit in its mouth. They eat fish, they eat lobster, they crustaceans, they eat squid. But you just, you know, when you think of the food chain, you don't think of a grouper eating a shark. That's like, that's like the, you know, that's like the hyena eating the lion versus the lion eating the hyena, right? It's just like it don't make no sense. That's right. Yeah, I just think it's kind of funny to see, yeah, this big fish, which we do know we'll eat pretty much anything that could fit in its mouth, but sitting there chewing on a shark. I mean, it's just, I don't know, it's comical.

There's a great video on YouTube of a spear fisherman who's carrying a fish that's, I would guess, about a 25, 30 pound fish. He's underneath the water, free diving. And then a massive grouper comes in and not only takes his fish, but it's his entire fucking arm in his mouth. And it is a tug of war. That is my boy, Barrett Harvey. Barrett, if you're listening, shout out, buddy. That video went totally viral. Barrett's an awesome dude. I've dove with him. Oh, you met him, Patrick. Remember the guy that showed up in Zanzibar? And you're like, how the fuck does far as people in Zanzibar? That's right. That's Barrett, who got nailed by the, by the potato cod, that giant grouper. Dude, it is an incredible video. I mean, the thing's,

like, probably six, seven feet long, that grouper? Mm-hmm. It's huge. And he gets his arm, like, wedged in its mouth. Is the outcome, can he take an arm off or skin off of it? Or can you, like, he had a wetsuit on. It definitely, it would have done a lot of damage to his skin for sure, and I know Barrett told me he was bruised up a little bit, but it didn't do any damage. I think the bigger scare was the fact that it was keeping him underwater at, you know, 30 to 40 feet, wherever he was holding his breath. Yeah. I had, I was spearfishing in, off the coast of Marco Island, Florida, and there had these, like,

Air Force towers out there, and we were spearfishing at one of those, and it was terrible visibility day, and, like, I have zero fear of groupers. I mean, they're fished, yeah. You're missing the amygdala. that's right but uh i went down to the bottom and it was terrible vis it was like 10 15 foot viz and about 70 feet and hunted around i didn't see anything except for like three of these really big jewfish the goliath group or which is good they get huge they just come from temple well they actually get the nickname jewfish because it's believed that they were the fish that

swallowed david from david and goliath um not actually a whale that's how big they get but um Anyway, go down to the bottom and I see these, you know, these three like huge jewfish, like 600-pound fish. And I'm like, oh, cool, you know, there's some jewfish down here. You don't hunt them. They're off limits and all that. And I start heading back to the surface. And again, 15-foot visibility. The fish paid me no attention.

I start heading back to the surface. I'm on a breath hold. And all of a sudden, I just stop, like literally stopping my tracks, which, you know, like, panicked. My heart jumped into my throat. And I was like, what the fuck's going on? And I looked down, and one of these jufish had come straight up and grabbed my, fin and foot and was holding it and actually turned to start pulling me back down and just let go. I mean, it stopped me just kind of like that video that Patrick's talking about,

stopped me for just a half a second. But it was just the weirdest feeling. And the reason being, I had flashers, which are these little shiny things that I stuck on my fins to try and attract fish in to get close to me to spear. And sure enough, the predator had become the prey. So they used to allow fishing of Jewfish. and it's actually still the world record for largest grouper ever caught is still a Jew fish caught in Florida.

What's the weight? 680 pounds. Holy shit. That's fucking massive. Forrest, do you have any near-death experiences while you were diving of her? I feel like you must. I think the scariest one for me is my buddy Adam and I were diving in the Bahamas. And speaking of grouper, I went into this case.

and I shot this little black grouper. It was maybe like a 20-pound fish. And it was in this reef system where there was like one opening and you go in and there was a big coral room in there. And I went in there and I shot this grouper with my pulse spear and he like took off into the cave. So on a single, on that same breath hold, I like went further into the cave to get him back out. And I grabbed his, grabbed him by the gills and I got him. And I was like, okay, I got him time to head out.

And I realized as soon as I had my hand on the fish that our tussle had kicked up. so much dust and silt, I had no idea where the exit to the cave was. And it was a complete cave. Like there was no like, you know, go in one back out the same way. It was like go in a narrow opening and there was a big round room. And so all of a sudden I, it gets worse. It gets worse. So all of a sudden I start braille diving. And I'm on a breath hold and running out of breath at like 30 or 40 feet. And so I'm like brailing around the cave like very panically trying to, well, trying to be stay calm, but feeling very rushed, try and find. this opening and I feel like I do a full circle and don't feel the opening and I'm like fuck I'm

I'm now been underwater and I'll tell you because I remember the time on my watch when I came back up that this point in time my buddy Adam had watched me go into the cave you'd watch my fins disappear and he started freaking out because he's like shit this is a long dive he hasn't come back out yet yeah I continue to brail around and the more I do it the more the shit gets stirred up right so now the visibility is literally zero anyway I give up on that I give up on that and I try and just think for a second. I've dropped the fish, I've dropped the spear, everything else. And I feel above me in this little cave.

It's only about three feet tall. There's a crack. And there's just a crack in the reef. And I look up and I can just see a little bit of light. So I take the palm of my hand and I smash up and a little bit of reef and rocks dislodge. And I'm like, fuck it. And so I plant my feet against the ground. I stick my head to where the crack is.

and I punch as hard as I can with my feet. And I go all the way up to my neck, and then I get stuck. And now I'm literally knees, knees bent, stuck to my neck, looking up. And I can see Adam now, and he's just like, his eyes are wide as fucking saucers

because all he sees is his head poking out of the reef. So I take one more as hard as I can kick and punch. And sure enough, my shoulders broke the rocks and broke the reef around it, and I shot up. And I got to the surface, and my dive was three minute and ten seconds of active dive time holding my breath. And I was blue as could be.

And Adam came over and grabbed me. And he's like, you're going to pass out. Just hang on. Because I thought I was going to shallow water blackout. I didn't, but I was very close. He just said, I was completely blue. You know, my eyes were as big as saucers. And I've been with Adam when he's blacked out once, actually.

And he was just like, I got you. It's okay. You're going to black out. And he just held me for a second. And sure enough, I was like, I'm okay. I'm okay. You're nuts. That was my scariest one for sure.

You're insane. Did you then later go back to see where the actual exit was just to see for your own knowledge or no? Oh, less than 10 minutes later. As soon as I recovered, I went down and got the fish out of the cave. Of course. Okay. So you were able to, so how far off the actual entrance were you when you decided to squirm through the reef? No idea.

I mean, you could see where the crack was, like where I'd broken through and you could see where the entrance. was the tunnel entrance was like like a dog kennel entrance you know like a little round hole that I'd squeeze my whole body through and somehow when all the silt and should have got kicked up in there and I had braille dived I just couldn't feel it from the inside I just I just had no idea where it was so I probably just like my hands either just skipped right over it or I went over the top or under the bottom I don't know or maybe I never even got to it because it was just it went to zero foot it went to just zero visibility and it was just complete braille. So when you were in there and it's like you're coming up, you're on one breath for three minutes

a little more than when you came up. And active. So like not, you know, anyone can hold their breath for three minutes. When you're like panicking in a cave fighting a fish for three minutes, it's pretty scary. Dude, I mean, like, I don't even know. I would have died because even after 45 seconds, I'm in a full-blown panic. That's literally my nightmare, squeezing into a three-foot cave and going to. in there, man. Oh, that is terrifying.

Got the fish. So, I mean, that's a huge distinction between active and just sitting, right? Sitting there, if you're just laying on the bottom. Three minutes, probably not as big of a deal for you. Obviously, I would, I'd be dead. But what would you guys guess the record for a non-active breath hold is? So they clarify. The David Blaine one?

Nope. Nope. Oh, I know the David Blaine one, which is considered cheap. So this is like in my circles. right in the free dive thing. Sure. Anyway, go ahead. I think I know the answer.

What's the story with David Blaine? So David Blaine holds the breath hold world record. 22 minutes, if I'm not mistaken. No, sorry, 17 minutes. So someone broke it. But what do they say? Do they say that he cheated?

Well, yeah, and I'll explain why. So he did this thing in this orb live in Vegas for 17 minutes and four seconds, but he did nothing but breathe pure oxygen for like a day leading up to it. So his blood was so oxygen. It's still an amazing feat. Don't get me wrong.

Sure. But all your breath hold is is utilizing the oxygen in your body, right? His blood was so doped with oxygen from three days or two days or whatever it was of oxygen doping that he just like, chilled out down there for 17 minutes and then was like, all right, I'm good. So it's not the same as just like taking a gasp of air and being like, all right, let's see how long I can go for. Right. What's the new record there, Pat? I'm going to venture a guest and say 21, man. minutes and 32 seconds.

All right, Forrest, you want to guess? Jesus, if it beat David Blaines, that's insane. You realize that's how long an episode of television is, 22 minutes? A half hour episode of Friends is 21 minutes and 30 seconds of content. Wow. Right. Listeners are learning a lot today. You're guessing that this guy held his breath for the entirety of an episode of Friends.

Absolutely. That's all right. I'm going to guess. 20 minutes only and if you hadn't told me that someone had broken david blaine's record i would have said well under no i'm not even going to guess 20 i'm going to guess 18 minutes peter wins which means you have to give him anything from your home that he chooses that was you have to watch me eat taco bell live for 23 minutes i'd rather i'd rather give you something from my house i'll take the elephant bird egg so what's the answer 24 minutes and three seconds uh verified all witnessed

There's video of it. A guy named Alex Seguera, who specializes in something called static apnea, which essentially the way that he sets the record is he just kind of floats in the pool very shallow, just like a foot below the surface, just face down. Okay. And it has no breathing for 24 minutes and three seconds. It's wild, man. He gets his heart rate, by the way. he gets his heart rate down to around 12 beats per minute. That's insane, dude.

What is it normally? The resting heart rate for somebody like our age is what? In the 30s, I think. Yeah, 50s or 60s, yeah. Have you guys ever heard of Wimhoff and the Wimhoff method? Yeah, you were all into that for a while, aren't you? Yeah, I still do it every once in a while. I did it for like a good six weeks and it basically entails.

So what I learned, A, is that being able to hold your breath is about, getting rid of as much carbon dioxide in addition to having your blood oxygenated because that's what makes you have the urge and the panic is having too much carbon dioxide build up. So anyways, the whole method is literally you hyperventilate. You do it for what, 30 or 40 breaths, just like hardcore. And then you blow your breath out completely. And then you just hold your breath. And you will be fucking astonished at how long you can hold your breath.

If you've never even done it, you could probably hold your breath. for two minutes, three minutes if you really. Oh yeah. And then you get like, it's crazy. You get almost high. You do a couple rounds of this. And if you do it in the pool, it'll increase your breath hold as well.

So there's a thing called the mammalian reflex, right? And what happens is it's the reason that babies are born holding their breath. It's the reason that women can give water birth. And this is called the mammalian reflex. And what it is is when you put the bridge between your eyes and your forehead in the water, it naturally slows down your heart rate and it makes you want to hold your breath. And so that's because humans come from a birth sack filled with fluid. You have this reflex to hold your breath.

So when you put your face in water, you naturally relax more and you can hold your breath longer. Dude, instincts are fucking weird, man. So I've been, my dog is not a breed that typically likes to swim. Yeah. She's like half German Shepherd, half some other type of shepherd. She's a guard dog. She's great at it. She fucking barks if like a bunny hops by.

Like she's on alert at all times, head on a swivel. wants to make sure she's got you covered. Hates the water, dude. She's real scared of the lake. But you just put her in the water. You just wait out. I'll wait out with her to like chest deep. Put her in.

Swims back. She's a better swimmer than I am. It's very strange, man. Like instincts, it's like I sort of almost don't believe it. I'm like, how does that? How do we know shit? How can you know something that you haven't learned?

I don't understand. Is that an instinct or a reflex? for humans. The mammalian? I mean, it's a reflex because your body has an initial reaction to it, but I think it's an instinct to hold your breath, right? If you throw a baby in a pool, it holds its breath. I think that's instinct. Do you think Pat got thrown in a pool as a baby, and that's why he is the way he is? Indeed. Well, you know, like I was, because I was fascinated by it because it's so bizarre. So one of the instincts, they say that almost all humans or all human beings are born with, there's two things. One is not to,

walk off of a cliff. Right? Interesting. So like a baby that's just at crawling age, if you put them on a glass platform where, you know, they're on a surface and then they could crawl off the surface, they won't do it. Huh. Right. I didn't know that.

And then the other one is fear of snakes. Essentially, all primates are born within innate fear of snakes. Huh. Obviously except for us, but it's still, we're born. born with that. Like, we don't have to get bit by a snake to learn that they're creepy. Babies immediately fucking hate snakes, and baby monkeys are scared of snakes. And by the way, you should be. They're fucking gross. When I was a kid, as you guys know, I grew up in Zimbabwe. We used to play a prank on the baboons. And the prank would be, you'd get like some food, right?

We'd had this thing called Sazzo, which is cornmeal. It's kind of like Palenta and Africa. And you'd wrap it in newspaper and you'd throw it out to the baboons, right? they get super excited and they'd quickly pull open the newspaper and they'd literally unroll it, like unwrap it, unroll it, and they'd get to the sada and they'd eat it up and they get super excited. So you do this like three or four times, right? And each time they're getting more and more excited about getting to the sada. And then on like the fifth time, instead of the sada in the middle, you put a rubber snake. And so you take a rubber snake and you wrap it in newspaper and they're not looking. They're just busy gorgeing themselves on the other four

newspapers that you've sent out there and you wrap this rubber snake in the newspaper and you toss it out there and the baboons go, oh, here it comes again. They start unwrapping it and wrapping it and wrapping it and wrapping it and wrapping and wrapping and they get to the snake and baboons hate snakes. And the, I've seen shrieking,

I've seen terror and my favorite one is swear to God I saw a baboon faint. It literally got the snake in hand and it dropped dead lifeless. And I was like, oh my God, we've killed this baboon. I can't believe we're terrible people. and about 20 seconds later it popped up and just scurried off. It literally passed out from fear.

How did you figure out that experiment? Because this was like pre- YouTube. Were you just like, hey, what do you want to do today? I don't know. Let's wrap four sodzas and paper and one snake and throw them to the baboons. Well, you know, in America you have Grand Theft Auto and the Sims. And in Africa, you have stick rock and baboon snake. So did the baboons then, didn't they just get real ballsy and be like,

oh, these people have Sazza, I'm going to go take it from him? I mean, not really. They'd kind of just sit out there and wait for you to throw it. And I don't know, they weren't. So we'd do this in a place called Lake Carribe, which is the biggest lake in the country of Zimbabwe where there's just tons of vervent monkeys and baboons around. And they just kind of sit there. They're kind of like seagulls there.

They're like, sit around waiting for you to throw food at them. So they don't get aggressive. They're not just like, I'm going to take that shit because I can. They don't get, so they'll get aggressive with little kids. kids. I definitely got chased by them a few times when I was a kid taunting them. And then the other thing they're really good at is destroying your vehicle. So if they're like, they're in large numbers and you decide to like roll in with your windows down, they'll come like pull your windows apart to get into your food if your car's left unmanned. Yeah. So I was in Fraser Island. Have you been there off Australia?

I have. Yeah. There was just a, a guy just got killed by a tiger shark there last week. Oh, really? Yeah. So for whatever reason on one side of Fraser Island, there's just an insane congregation of tiger sharks. You're not actually supposed to swim off of Fraser Island because there are so many tiger sharks there. But it's also the one place left in Australia where there are wild dingoes. Yeah, that's what I went there for is to see the dingoes. Yeah. So I was there with a big group of people and everyone left and hiked up the sand dune and was going back to where we had parked like the the SUVs.

And it was like, you know, like a two-mile hike. And me and one buddy stayed because we were trying to take advantage of this sand dune to learn how to do backflips. And neither of us were able to execute one. But so we got separated from the group. We stayed for like 45 minutes because we had our own car. We started walking up. We got up to the top of the sand dune. And there was just like hundreds, if not, I mean, definitely hundreds and hundreds of dingoes.

Oh, cool. And they were sort of. Oh, man. That's amazing. went there to see dingoes and I saw like four. Oh yeah, no, we got like, you know, there were a ton and we were in the mill, and it was right at sunset and we knew

we had like a two-mile walk and they were kind of like following us and chirping, but it was nothing scary. They didn't do anything intimidating. They didn't come close to us. It didn't seem like they were testing to see if they could bite us or if we were food. They just knew that we weren't food. Right. Literally a week

later, a mother and her toddler were killed and eaten by dingoes on Fraser Island. Wow. Like they're so distinctly able to be like, six foot tall, two six foot tall men, no, five foot tall woman and baby, yes. Like that that distinction, it seems like either they would just think humans are food or

humans are not food, but they're able to sort of distinguish between like, this is going to kick me really hard, this might not. So when you're a kid in the African bush, you get taught a similar thing with hyena. hyenas, they're scavengers. They're not going to, they're not going to attack you unless you're a little kid. And what's interesting is, and I've seen this firsthand, if you're a little kid, when we would go run around the bush, my mom would give us, she'd go peel off a piece of like three foot long bark and hand it to us. And if a hyena started following you, you'd hold the bark up above your head with your arms together. And all of a sudden you go from being, you know, a four foot tall kid to being a seven foot tall man or six foot tall man. And the hyena's, you're going to be a leave you alone straight away. And the second you drop the bark back down, they start following you again. Really? Yep. They literally watch you. And as soon as they size you up and go, oh, he's too big, they leave you alone. And the second you drop it, they start coming again. So if, let's say the three of us just went on a little brocation and we just wandered into the bush and a bunch of hyenas came up on us,

what would they describe what we could expect their behavior to be? And what would you tell us to do? If, if us three were camping and- Let's say we fucked up, we got drunk, we passed out, now we wake up at night and we're in the bush. Spotted hyenas around. They, if you're sleeping, totally, especially out and about. They could easily come up and go for a foot or a hand or something like that because they think you're dead or you're dying or you're prey.

Now, the three of us stand up and there's, you know, hyenas are typically solitary. They don't hang out in big packs. So odds are you're going to see one or two. They come up to you. They see three of us. They're going to turn and run the opposite direction. direction. They are a non-contrary to like the stuff you've seen on BBC and a blue planet, planet

earth, all that stuff, they are a non-contrary animal. They will only fight for meals when they really don't have another option. They have gnarly jaws. Those jaws are not made for fighting. They're made for crushing bone. They do not want confrontation. Wow. That's interesting. I also didn't realize they were solitary because I've, I've only seen hyenas as portrayed on, on planet Earth and other TV shows. It's usually when there's a big group, fighting a pride of lions for a kill. Yep. And that will happen in times of desperation, right?

Where these animals are, they're starving, and the lions are the only things making kills, and the lions are consuming the entirety of their kills. So there's nothing left for the hyenas to eat. So their only option for survival is to fight those lions to get something to eat, even if it's just a mouth full of food and then they can run off. And that's what makes that natural history, that blue chip stuff so fascinating to watch,

because that is unique behavior. not typical behavior. Typical behavior is a lion makes a kill. Hyenas hang out in the distance, in the peripheral, they can smell it, they can even see it, they'll sit and watch and wait. And as soon as the lion's done eating all the prime parts and leaves, the hyena will come in and clean up the scraps. Just like a T-Rex.

That's right. A five-mile-an-hour T-Refi-Rex. So, Peter, I have a question for you, Professor. Hyenas, one of Charles Darwin's most famous mistakes had to do with hyenas. He wrote about how he was. he was witnessing quite a bit of homosexual activity among the hyenas. Okay. What do you,

I mean, he got it wrong. What do you think he got wrong? What was really going on there? With, he, he mistookingly fucking identified. He thought the hyenas were butt fucking. Right, right.

So he, he made a mistake in, he was wrong. They weren't actually having anal sex. I mean, how could he, I mean, I guess,

I have no, what? I have no idea. What the fuck are you? talking about? What is going on? I don't know. This is a good question. I know the answer. I mean, take, take some stabs at it. I mean, I guess, what could he have gotten wrong? Yeah. I mean, he thought a, the only thing I could think is that he thought an anus, it was actually a vagina and he thought it was an anus. Pretty close. You got half of it, right? Yeah, that's not, that's not,

that's not terrible. Which half the anus or the vagina? The anus part's wrong. It's that the, the hyena, the female hyena, is known for they can develop tremendously huge clitorises. Right? That look like a penis, look very similar to a penis. We are learning a lot. Her virgin hang like sleeve of wizard. Yeah.

To bore that line. So he like wrote a whole chapter, right? About this homosexual activity in the hyena community. He thought he was in West Hollywood, but no, he was wrong. Jesus. He thought he was in West Hollywood. So Forrest, I was just looking at you as you, you took a sip of your delightful blue can.

Look over a tap. He has what appears to be a penis hanging out of his mouth. It's a string cheese. It's a string cheese. He is a child. What are you talking about? What's in the glass? It looks like iced tea.

Is that iced tea and vodka? No, it's just iced tea. I'm not drinking today because I've been drinking all year. Good. Yeah, I took like five days off. I didn't have a single beer. I drank on the flight to and from Utah. Yeah.

Five days ago and sober, man. I'm proud of myself. He hits me up from the airport on his way to Utah. Well, first it was a text message and it said, I think it said, I'm the drunkest I've ever been in my life or I'm the drunkest I've ever been at an airport. Yeah. Was that yesterday? No, that was when you were going there. Oh.

Wow. Wow. You've done this multiple times. Well, no, just yesterday. I connected into Detroit. Yeah. Yeah. And probably didn't need to, but the bars were open there.

So I went to a bar, social distancing, nice and safe, whatever. Had a couple more drinks. I come to, I'm not being funny. I don't remember boarding the plane. And I had first class, too, so, like, wasted. I wake up, and one of my bags is just not. is not with me. Oh, no.

So I'm like, fuck. So we land and I, uh, I'm like going through the overheads and they're just gone. Oh, boy. I go to the thing because I see a couple people waiting for their gate checked bags. And it's not one of the ones that comes out. And then a hostess comes out of the plane and like marches. Like, is this anyone's? It was somewhere on the plane.

I don't know where. And I had no recollection of how it got there. So you got so drunk on the plane that you couldn't remember where you put your bag? Somewhere at the Detroit airport, I got really drunk. And then I don't remember anything that happened between then and descent into Syracuse. Here's my issue. You just said you were safely social distancing. You don't even remember what you did with your bag.

You're telling me that you remembered to stay six feet apart and have a mask on, sir? Well, at the bar, they were very neatly orchestrated places that were 10 feet apart. Well, guys, it's been fun to get together again, after Pat was in the wilderness and obviously didn't have a broken phone. But it is that time that all the listeners hit me up every goddamn day to harass me about because my answers are always so shitty. It's time for the Battle Royale. Let's do it.

Pat, I know you have been thinking about this for years. I was getting excited. He was about to do some sort of big announcement of the Battle Royale. I was. I was edge of my. seat to go battle royal and then we just kept talking all right so we're going to stray a bit maybe we'll talk about animals with it maybe not okay

you have to we go one at a time not a snake draft this time you pick a time period that you want to go back to you don't have to give me the year just the general time period okay and you're going to do three things you get one day what three things are you going to do what time period you're going to go to, what are your three things? And then listeners will decide who makes the best, who has the best day? Who designs the best day? God. All right. Um, question. How are we traveling back in time? You get into something that looks like the body scanner at the airport. Okay. It just goes around you. And then when it comes back, you're just, you step out and you're at the time and place you want to be.

All right. Very simple. Can we bring anything with us? You'll have the base. basic tools of the time available to you. So not included in this is a stop at a general store where you'll get the technology of the time. You can't bring a gun. You can't bring a gun back to see a T-Rex. Okay. Yeah, that's nonsense. Okay.

That's fucking nonsense. But my clothes will be on. I won't just, no, I just want to make sure I'm not going to be naked when I arrive in this time period because it's really going to affect my decision. You'll still be wearing the same clothes, but you can't bring anything with you. Okay. Peter, stop asking stupid questions and go first. You want me to go first? I always got to fucking do this shit.

I'll go first. I'll go first. All right, do it. So mine's easy, and I think we're probably all going to pick this exact same time period and three events, because it's the obvious winner. There is no better. I'm going to go back to the Wild West. Wow. Back to the future three.

Picture me and my little pair of chaps and my attractive cap. Assless, I presume. Of course. All chaps are. And I'm not going to have pants underneath them. So I'm going to go back. Sorry, guys. Let me tuck my boner into my waistband over here.

Oh, gross. But true. So, yeah, I'm going to go back to Deadwood, South Dakota. Okay. During the cold rush. You're very meager. These are manly men. They have spurs on their boots.

They ride horses. I only need to get through one day. Are you going to take that hat? Well, here's what I'm going to do on the first day. My only name. I'm going to, the first thing I'm going to do is what everyone did in the Old West. Do you want to get this in in your lifetime? I am going to rob a bank.

Right. Love that. Yeah. So I'm going to, you know, probably hang out on the corner in the thoroughfare, tell some jokes, get some friends, and then convince them to rob a bank with me. Then if you're in the Old West, it would not be a trip to the Old West without a trip to the Brothel. Indeed. Yeah. What are you going to do with the brothel?

specifically huh hold court I'm not gonna I'm not gonna you know I'm not gonna have sex with any prostitutes at the brothel because I don't want syphilis I will pay them to laugh at my jokes

and feed me shots of whiskey so basically what you do on a date in 2020 exactly and then that will get me ready now that I'm all fueled up on whiskey and I've spent all the money from the robbing the bank I'm gonna get into a duel Oh, good.

Still mine. Yep, I'm going to get into a duel with the best looking. I'm going to pick the best looking guy there, and I'm going to be like a tall guy, like where I really don't like him because he's better looking than me. I'm going to challenge him to a duel. And if he wins, it's fine because I'll only be dead for like 12 more hours. Like that.

That's a good one. That is very solid. That's my day. You obviously get caught robbing the bank right off the bat. And then... Just be in the clank for the rest of the day. The rest of the day, you'd never be able to get back to the time machine. You'd be fucked.

You'd be there forever. The time machine, you don't know how a time machine works. Fine. I don't. All right. Who wants to go next? Because mine's great. Obviously, it's going to win, but whoever wants to go next.

I'll go for it. I'll jump in. So I would go back not to the Wild West, but to the 8th century medieval times. Ooh, violent. Circa. Yeah, very violent. Circa, England. I was thinking Vikings, but no, I would like to be a knight.

Okay. I would like, now I won't be a knight because I'll be myself, who's, who's an utter train wreck, but I will, I will be in the eighth century. And my three things will consist of, first of all, picking up a suit of armor. Okay, smart. Who doesn't want to walk around in a suit of armor carrying a sword? And then I will, uh... Hope it's not very hot out. Yeah, sure, sure. It's England, so hopefully not.

I will be in the 8th century. I'll be in my suit of armor, and I will challenge someone to a joust. Nice. That'll be my first, yep. Well, will you be doing this in defense of your lass? Well, stay with me now. After I am done defeating my opponent in jousting,

and I'm very certain that I would defeat him, regardless of the fact that I can barely ride a horse. Sure, sure. And post-jousting, I would win my lady's love, whoever she would be, obviously the least hairy woman at the jousting tournament. Fair. And before betting said lady, I would challenge her to send me on a quest to prove my love to her. And then I would embark on a quest until my time was up.

Okay. Oh, so you wouldn't finish, you wouldn't seal the deed. I mean maybe Like maybe one for the road It really depends Because I don't know what they looked like back then Yeah and hygiene was not It was not a big thing back then

Well you'll fit right in Yeah I would fit right in But if you're coming from the 21st century And you're going to the 8th century And everybody's a real ripe It might be better to just win Win my love's affection

And be sent on a quest Without finishing the deed I like that both of us Decided to completely tease ourselves by coming close, coming close to sealing the deed, but just instead having them laugh at our jokes. Yeah, that's right. Just say a bunch of silly nonsense. Yeah, I mean, I got a lot of problems with this forest.

The main problem is that you can do that right now by just going to medieval times. It's the exact same experience I've been there. It's no different. You pay, you're a celebrity. You could do all of these things, except for, you know, the maiden that you're trying to rescue won't smell bad. So, I mean, it's just, it's just bad. If you had a time machine, you would travel there.

What? Patrick would die instantly. My, Peter's just going to go to 2017 at a whorehouse in Dayton. All right, good night, everybody. And good night. No. What I would do is I would go back to the golden age of piracy. And I would live on the high seas for a day. That's right.

Peter, you can't even swim. Oh, I can swim. baby and I can also he's a mean swimmer what you look angry when you're swimming it's like you're punching the water it's a hilarious visual actually I was going to say you that's not true but I kind of hope it is okay so what are you gonna do pirates aren't in the fucking water god damn it we're on the boat I am now officially a pirate now I'm going to go back and I don't know if you've ever seen pirates of the Caribbean there will be dude the first thing I'm going to do is go I'm going to find a treasure map and I'm going to I will somehow command a crew on a pirate ship

to go with me to the island, make them dig up the treasure and I will retrieve my booty, put it back on the ship and then I will travel to the whorehouse island and I will go have my pick of horrors and I will just have them laugh at my jokes and drink whiskey with me. So here's here's a common thread that I'm not. understanding. As far as I know, none of us have ever actually been to a whorehouse, which is perfectly available in today's world. And yet when we go back in time, we're all going to them for some reason. It's legal. It's not faux pas. You could go to Las Vegas today and it's legal. Yeah, but it's still faux pa. I find it disgusting in 2020, but in the, in the, during the gold rush,

it seems great. Even though it was much more disgusting back then. It was definitely, More disgusting. And to be clear, mine was not a whorehouse. I was winning, I was winning a lass's love. So you two are the whore fisherman. I'm not, I'm literally just going to get my ego massaged. There will be no touching. That's why I was going to, yeah. I'm sure all of my crew will, you know, be gallivanting around and what, what they do. But me with my treasure chest of gold coins and booty, I'll just be like the man, you know. And the third thing I do is probably have a delicious meat. of the time period as close to Taco Bell as humanly possible.

And I'd call it a day, you know? Honestly, I would, yeah, that's what I'd do. I'd be a pirate. Are you picturing yourself with a peg leg? I already have a wooden leg, so yes. Do you know this for us that Peter has a bionic leg? I wish this was true. It's not.

It's not bionic. I was surfing back when I was at Tot and a hammerhead attacked me while I was on the surfboard and it got my leg and I have a giant, it bit a giant thing and I had to get a titanium rod put into my femur because it tore off the patella and underneath and I punched it in the fucking eyeball and swam my ass back to shore and I have a... Do you actually have a titanium rod in your leg? I do and that's exactly why. Why do you actually have it? Motorcycle accident. You could have made that cool too, you know. Nah, it's not cool. Don't ride motorcycles, you'll die.

Yeah, on the corner of Wilshire and Highland. Oh, such a brutal, such a brutal, making a left at a yellow. Ugh. Guy ran right into me. I was in Vancouver when it happened, and I got a phone call from our mutual friend who was like, Peter was supposed to come meet us for a happy hour, and he got hit by a car, he's in an ambulance, what should we do? And I was like, right, go to the hospital?

Yeah, why are you calling me? Can, do you want me to come handle it? That's pretty funny. I mean, I was pretty bummed, but, you know, you live. Was that mutual friend Neil? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was, right?

Yeah. Well, talk real quickly. Introduce your first introduction to Neil Forrest in Zanzibor. That's so funny. So it was actually Neil? Yeah, it was actually Neil, yeah. That's insane. That was a total shot in the dark.

So for all of our listeners out there, Neil is, he's a friend of all of ours, to be, to be honest. But he's, uh, Patrick, Patrick's friend. who he's worked with for a long time. Neil is, he is gorgeous. He is the 5'2 version of Steve Aoki. He's got long flowing hair. He has, he's got a relatively good physique. He's got a strong jaw line.

I mean, he is a gorgeous, tiny little Filipino man. But my first introduction to Neil, which is why Patrick brought this up, which is so funny, is we had to hire new camera guys for a shoot in Africa. and I show up to the airport and this guy in this tiny little Filipino man in moon boots, fur-laden moon boots like the kind from...

I know those boots. Yeah. Yeah. Literally fur sticking out of the tops, out of the laces, they are fur-laden moon boots. Like the kind that a chick from a rap video in the 90s would wear. Yeah.

And then skinny jeans and an oversized t-shirt that says snuggle slut shows up at LAX and I see Patrick and I see the rest of our relatively rugged manly crew and then Neil this guy and I was like hey guy are you you lost like what are you doing here you're you're probably not with us he's like hey man I'm Neil I'm your new cameraman I was like oh boy oh man well here's the best part well it's not the best part that the snuggle slut shirt's the best part but I because Neil is he's you know he's gone on to do a bunch of big you know big stuff

then and even before that super talented camera person DP and director. But I knew that he was not the most rugged guy. So I said, do you have gear? Because we're going to be in the jungle for a month. He was like, I don't. I went to REI with him and showed him everything he needed. We bought the boots. We bought the, you know, the rain gear, everything that he needed.

He texts me, I go, did you pack your gear? He's like, well, I returned a lot of it because I already had a pair of boots. The boots he already had were the fur-lined moon boots for the jungle in the summer. He also proceeded to wear jeans for a month-long trek through the jungle. Yep. Boy. Got some great shots, though, and his attitude's fantastic. He just looked ridiculous.

Oh, he's amazing to work with. He's hilarious. And all jokes aside, he's one of the best dudes to have on a crew ever. He's perverted and hilarious and ridiculous. but he was not cut out for Africa. Dude, our local guide that we used to help us get around just was like, what? Like you could just see him looking at him just being like,

what is this guy doing? Oh, man. I do want to just give a little tease because at the end of this podcast, I am going to cut in something relevant to the motorcycle accident talk. Pat, at one point, I don't know if it was before or after the actual motorcycle. motorcycle accident, but he left me a voicemail, which I've saved for, it's now been eight or nine years. I still have it. And it's, he, he called me drunk, left a voicemail.

It must have been 4.30 in the morning. I was in Chicago, so I was two hours ahead. I get a voicemail that I'm going to play at the very end of this. So stay tuned. And he essentially tells me that Neil had been in a horrible motorcycle accident and he doesn't know what to do. and he never breaks character, never, like, says it's a joke. And I started calling Pats or Neil's family at like 7.38 in the morning and asking and, like, freaking them out. And then I put together a Facebook page called The People Against Patrick DeLuca.

I posted the video and invited all of his friends. I made a nice little video out of it. So we'll have that treat at the end of the podcast and on social media. Thanks. Well, the thing is, when I was calling you to leave the message, it seemed like a great idea because I was like, he'll just call me back and I'll say, oh, it was a joke. The thing I hadn't thought about was that my phone was going to die and that I was going to pass out. Another panic lie, just like the fucking Utah bullshit.

That's nonsense. You did it intentionally. You be the judge. Everybody can be the judge. All right. Thank you so much for listening. We are having so much fun with your comments. Please continue to leave the comments.

Let us know who designed the best day to use the time machine. Peter's Pirate Adventure, Patrick's Wild West, or my medieval times knockoff. You guys, give us a vote, leave us a comment, give us five stars on iTunes. We really like it. And good night. Good night. Check us out at Wild Times Pod on everywhere and find us on YouTube. I hate both of you.

Good night. Good night. Yeah, dude. Neil White's out of his bike. He's an hospital right now. Give me a call back. I'm not sure what his health insurance situation is

or whatever but it's not good, dude call me back to finish again, okay? Later.