Wild Times: Wildlife Education - Scientists Just Mapped the DNA of an Animal We Can’t Even Find.

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

This week we discuss scientists mapping the genome of the Saola, exploring the world's largest cave, and the best items for a summer cookout. Enjoy! (TWT 177)Magic Mind: Take advantage of this launch and get 25% off Magic Mind Performance Gummies with code WILD25 or go to https://magicmind.com/wildgmFactor: Get 50% off plus free shipping and use code WILD50OFF when you go to https://factormeals.com/wild50offChubbies: Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off chubbies with the code WILDTIMES at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/wildtimes #chubbiespodGet More Wild Times Podcast Episodes: ⁠⁠https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/wildtimespod/subscribe⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/wildtimespod⁠⁠More Wild Times: Instagram:⁠ ⁠http://instagram.com/wildtimespod⁠⁠TikTok: ⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@wildtimespodcast⁠⁠Facebook: ⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/wildtimespod/⁠⁠X: ⁠⁠https://x.com/wildtimespod⁠⁠Discord: ⁠⁠https://discord.gg/ytzKBbC9Db⁠⁠Website: ⁠⁠https://wildtimes.club/⁠⁠Merch:⁠ ⁠https://thewildtimespodcast.com/merch⁠⁠Battle Royale Card Game:⁠ ⁠https://wildtimes.club/br⁠⁠Our Favorite Products:⁠ ⁠https://www.amazon.com/shop/thewildtimespodcast⁠⁠Music/Jingles by: www.soundcloud.com/mimmkeyThis video may contain paid promotion.#ad #sponsored #forrestgalante #extinctoralive #podcast

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This is the greatest wildlife comedy podcast in the world. That is a fact. You can look it up statistically. Put it in chat, GPT. See what they say. I'm your host, Forrest Galante, the broologist. With me, as always, the producer and the professor. What's up, gents?

Hey. Do you get a haircut? No, I just washed and conditioned my hair. Did you get a glow up? I mean... What's a glow up? A glump is when you grow up to not be an ugly duckling. No, no.

A makeover, a little Botox, maybe a spray tan. A glow up is what the kids talk about when you were like an ugly high school, middle school kid, and then you turn out to be a very handsome or beautiful adult. Fair enough. No, I've deemed this the summer of pee. That's right. You told me. And so I'm just enjoying taking a page out of Forrest's book.

Spending a lot of- Just ignoring your wife and kids and traveling all over. They're at camp and work all day. No, I'm just kidding. And you know what I'm doing? Yeah. Two hours of outside time. Shirtless.

Yeah. It's great. Welcome to the happy side. Yeah. Well, you walked in you what? But dude, I bet you are. Starting the day off, like drop the kids off 915, just going on an hour bike ride, no shirt, tunes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Like the rest of your day is great. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Rocking up to the studio in a tank. Yeah. No big deal.

at some point, but I'm just trying to enjoy it. Yeah, it sounds like you've reverted back to how life used to be pre-kids. No, because I would be asleep at 9-50. That's true. That's a hundred five. So it's actually worked out in your benefit. No, but you walked in this morning. I knew you were having your summer a pee thing, but I forgot.

And I was like, I was like, you look like you just got off a plane to go to a resort in like Arizona or Florida. No sleeves. You're tan. You're looking a little bit more ripped. Sure. I mean, you're, you're, you're, eyes have a glow about them this morning.

I'll tell you it is. It's just seeing the sun. Like, when you're ghastly and just pale like me, you just, everything looks like shit. Your eyes are sunken in your head. I know. Tell me about it. Yeah. So that's what's going on.

Speaking of walking in this morning, what happened when we walked in this morning, Papa Pee? Oh, boy. So I was on a phone call and I see Forrest walking with a very large cooler box. We'll talk about that later. says that purports to have abalone in the same. It does say live abalone on the side of the box. And he's got a water bottle and a fresh Starbucks coffee.

Brand new. One set of the brim. At one. Balanced on top. Like a moron. So I get the outside door to the studio for him. But then he decides that he cannot wait one second. Correct.

For no reason whatsoever. And so he goes to open the door. Mm-hmm. Coffee bomb explosion in the hall. All over. Had to call. management to come and clean it up because it's like you didn't have to you chose to that's different see this is so so in a way i am you for us because of your success and you know you're everything

your your high social media number but i will say this uh you're an absolute moron when it comes to doing things all like like a normal person i think this is part of why you're successful too is because you kind of just fuck things up and then resolve the problems and carry on and keep doing that so you're always busy doing things but like a normal person would not would not just like be banging around with the coffee you're right you're right and what's

crazy is in hindsight I could have taken the let off the cooler and perfectly stood the coffee up in the cooler you could have set the box down put the coffee on the desk there's a lot of ways I could have resolved that at least 150 at least well the the cooler said abalone and I was like

I've had some I don't even know what it is I hope it's kind of not abalone fish it's a shellfish Okay. It's a delicacy, though. Okay. Okay. And I was like, Oh, is he bringing us avaloni to try some? Uh-huh.

And I was just like, ooh, I'm not in the mood. It's kind of early. Yeah, he went through a lot of pops open the top. It's like 100 pounds of sausage. Oh, my God. And it is the sausage that you brought to the Christmas party we had. Yeah, same one. Oh, dude.

It's so good. It's the best sausage I've ever had in my life. Without question. Without question. I got to give a shout out to a little mom and pop shop, Ben's custom meats in a taskodera. obviously not a sponsor. It's literally a dad and a son that have a butchery. And I take every year, for those that don't know, I'm not a big hunter. Obviously, I don't like killing things. I don't

like seeing animals suffer. But every year, I go with some friends and help do a pig eradication project up at Hearst, Hearst property, right? Herst Castle is out here. Yeah, we go to the more of the inland side. It's huge property. It's the largest private land holding in the state of California. But they have a terrible pig problem. Like the pigs just destroy their crops. And as we all know, wild boar invasive in California, blah, blah. So anyway, between my buddy Jordan and I and the guys I was working with, they eradicated in the two days I was there

14 pigs. So I took these 14 pigs in the bed of my truck to Ben's The Butcher Shop and I did it last year as well. I do it once a year and it gives me all of my red meat for the year. Yeah, yeah. Kyle, pull up the picture of my hall this year real quick. Pork actually isn't red meat though, is it? I'd call it red meat. I thought it was called the other white meat. It was definitely a marketing thing.

Gotcha. Like milk. Yeah. That's from this year. Dude. So if you're not, if you're only listening, this is his entire floor is covered in packages of meat. No,

what it looks like. That's my freezer right now. It looks like a blue whale got beached and then someone cut the whale part out and removed it. Butchered it. Yeah. Well, I'm telling you, bro.

Like I am so excited about this. Fourth of July is coming up. We might have a little something coming up in the pod related to that, which I'm excited about. But dude, this is going to be barbecue in this. You brought this like a whole fucking. box of it. My wife has been

talking about this since Christmas. Good. Legit. And there's a lot of flavors in there. There's not just the chatter halapeno. I got some IPA beer bros. Has she had any sausage in her mouth since? Just mine. The Christmas part? Just mine. That was the joke, Peter. You didn't click there.

Dude, so we did a pod I was it a month ago, three weeks ago. You don't know. Where Patrick goes, dude, I'm off of coffee. Yeah. Cool, Patrick was, I'm off of the coffee. That's why you brought a heaping coffee this morning. and spilled it everywhere. So he literally said this to me on like a Friday, right?

And I was like, yeah, fuck yeah. Like I'm, I don't need these vices in my life. Again, this is what you do. You cause problems for yourself, then you resolve it. Correct. So what problem happened because of this rash decision? It's coming. It's coming. Let me explain.

Sorry. So I was like, I don't, you know, I want to be cool like Patrick when I grow up. Sure. I don't need coffee in my life. So woke up that day, got out of bed. Good energy level. You know what? No coffee.

Not doing coffee this morning. No decaf, nothing. big glass of water. Yeah. On with my day. Great. Feeling good. That was the same day I fucking blew my shoulder out at that thing.

Yeah, yeah. Tor my AC or over hyper extend my AC joint. Yeah. Shoulder pops out, all of that. And I get back to the, and by the way, I did that to myself. I don't know if I explained this doing a run-it drill,

which is that big contact thing. Yeah. I think we talked about it on a bonus, showed a little video. We did, but let me point out, one, I think the sport's awesome, but a couple people have got very severe, severely knocked out and brain injured, all that from it. It's the most...

Right. So I get back, calm yourself. So I get back from this event. I have had a few cocktails. My shoulders all out of whack. And I'm at home and I'm like, oh, my fucking head. And I'm like, oh, man, I'm not good. And I start telling Jess, I'm like, I took a pretty hard hit. I might have a concussion. And I've had four concussions in my life. I was like, we know. We can tell. Thanks. I was like, this doesn't feel like a concussion. She's like, do you have a fucking brain injury? And I was like, shit, maybe. Like, I might have brain hemorrhaging because I hit that guy so hard.

Good. Guess what I figured out? Caffeine withdrawal? Caffeine withdrawals. Yeah. That's all it was. Yeah, I just had the most splitting headache from not drinking any coffee that day. It's so interesting.

I've never, I never got that. No, me neither. I'm three or four days off. Although I will say there, the ritual, missing the ritual of it is the most addictive part because the morning, get out of bed. There's nothing to look forward to, like, you know, it's like the drug that I do in the morning, you know, and it's not there anymore. I mean, nothing replaces it.

That's really the entire, the entire day is a series of like, what little treat can I give myself? A hundred percent whether it's a drug. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What drug can I put in now? Oh, caffeine. Oh, now I can put some nicotine in. Because my coffee ended up on the floor, I'm going to make myself a little Magic Mind cocktail.

That's a great idea. What you got going over there? What are you going to mix it with? I just got the Magic Mind Max because I've had no caffeine yet. and I don't want to have another headache. So I don't want to have the process of shooting it like a shot because I enjoy my coffee, our ritual, as we just pointed out. So I'm not.

I do what I like here, a little extra caffeine. I'm going to put some light strike in there, too. I'm not. I'm going to detox before I retox. All right. I like that. I really like that. Kyle.

Let's get to one news item. We got a hit before we do something real fun here. What's in the news? Sir, news from the underground. Thank you. K for all those drops. So years ago, Forrest and I went, had a incredibly fun time in Vietnam looking for the possibly extinct, possibly not Asian unicorn. The Saula. Kyle, can you pull up a picture of a Saula? I believe there's one known image.

I believe that's an abalone. There's three. Yeah, three or four. So why do they call it the unicorn? Is they call it the unicorn? Because it doesn't have one horn. But it's a large bovid type. I mean, it looks like a giant. deer with two long ones. It got a face kind of of a Gabby Wampus.

What are those things called? Come on. Those things that are on the island that are taken over again, they're the little cute animals. Nutria? No, no,

come on. They're like... A quokka? Gabby Wampus. You think Gabby Wampus? I think Gabby Wampus was a gymnast. Literally nobody knows what you got now. It's going to drive me insane.

They have the cute face that looks like this. Dik. No. No, no. It's called a unicorn because a couple things. One, it was so rare that people didn't think it existed like a unicorn. Yeah. It's the largest, most recently described bovod in the world.

Bovod being cattle family. And the real reason, the primary reason it's called the Asian unicorn is its horns are so symmetrical that when looking at it from a side profile, it looks as though it has one horn. You can kind of see it there. But if it were a pure profile, the horns are so perfectly, symmetrical that it looks like a unicorn. Yeah. So beautiful. Very crazy creature. I mean, we can get into it to talk about Bill Robeshod's story, but no fear of human beings, super peaceful, really interesting animals. Kyle, figure this out for me. It's the animal that's mixing in with tourists now

on the popular island. It's coming back. It'll drive me insane. I can't focus. You gave no detail. I just told you. The popular island. What is the popular island? It was a big news story. We talked about it on the pod. It's like a short capy barra. Happy Bear. There's no island. Whatever. It's a touristy area. So Gabby Wampus is pretty close, though. It's super close. We went all around the Anamite Mountains looking for this.

Didn't find one. No. Sadly. So why is the cell in the news? Let's take a look here. I actually haven't seen this story. So this exciting for me. It's good that Pat asked you then, since you haven't seen it. So it says genetics may see. save the rare elusive sala

if it's not already extinct. So researchers created the first complete salo genome using DNA from 26 hunting trophies found throughout the Anamite Mountains. Similar to what we've talked about before with colossal and the thylacine and the mammoth, there is

this new frontier of genetic engineering, of genome sequencing, where people are going out and it's like, it's kind of like, remember when the dot-com bubble or era, the Silicon Valley era, came about. It's like, who can create an app the fastest, you know, who's going to make the best app and that person will undeniably be a millionaire,

a billionaire, whatever. Like, that was the same thing that happened in Silicon Valley, right? Sure. That's what's happening right now in genetics, genome sequencing, de-extinction technology. Yeah. Like, Colossil's definitely the Microsoft or the Apple or whatever. They're the big dog. But then there are all these other various little groups, some out of China, some out of Russia, and others out of the United States that are like race to get these things. So what are the rarest? What are the coolest? What are these things that we can get samples of?

And what are the access we have? So whatever group this is, maybe it says in the article, they've managed to secure 26 samples. And so for clarity, for those that don't understand, if you just take one sample, like if I just take a Patrick Deluca sample, it's going to be, and it's old and it's degradated, like you died 50 years ago. Right. there's going to be a lot of holes in it. But if there's a Pat sample and a Peter sample and a Forest sample, well, now we can average those three things out, right? Well, we don't know how tall Pat was,

but we know between the three of them, they average 5-11. I'm making these things up, right? We know between the three of them they had blue eyes, like whatever. So it fills these holes in to then be able to complete a full sequence of full genome. So that's why you need all these samples. You can't just take one because one will be so massively degradated that you can't just build. it back up. So there's these races going on. It's like twofold is what I'm saying. There's this race

to get all this data and these samples and this race to de-extinct things. And you have to have the technology, the access, and then enough samples to bring it all together. It's pretty exciting. It's interesting that they were able to find 26, they call them hunting trophies. I'm assuming it was heads that hunters had a lot of skulls. Scals and stuff that hadn't, you know, whatever they didn't neat. I don't think we were looking all over to try and find a skull. None. And some of those little villages and stuff. But remember, we found that guy with the raffetist skull in Vietnam. That's right. And those hunters keep those kinds of trophies, you know, when they catch something super rare. They don't have taxidermy and stuff like that easily accessible. So instead, they just boil and

dry the skull and then they keep the bones of the skull. And this was crazy, Peter. We got this Raffetus. Raffer is a giant soft-shell turtle skull that was like this big. And this guy showed us the like homemade long line that he caught us caught it on with all the hooks and barbs and stuff. Crazy. So yeah. So I guess let's see. So they worked with the Sala Foundation, which there's now two of them. There's a Sala Working Group and the Sala Foundation. I think the Sala Foundation is Bill Robeshods who we worked with. No, we were no Sala working group. We were Sala working group. Okay. Yeah, I can't remember anymore. But yeah. So they worked with one of these two main, main groups. And obviously went and found all the samples.

Now, these guys have been working on this tirelessly since, like, 2013. Trying to find skulls and samples and things. So they have all the records of where everything is. Kyle, pull up pictures of the Anamite Mountains. So, like, I knew nothing of this mountain range. It's fucking crazy. It's huge and super wild. And stretches all the way from Vietnam to Lao.

Wow. And there's wild, wild tigers there. Holy crap, really? Pull up that picture with the river. Yeah, man. And it's just full of caves. Like massive caves. Like the biggest cave in the world is there.

Oh, is that the one now? Yeah. You guys went? That's the one we went in. But Hongdong? But, you know, we were talking to some of the local, you know, the guy who discovered Sondong cave. And he's like, yeah, there's a bigger cave system that I've already found.

Yeah. Wow. Crazy. Yeah. Really. And remember. This place is like truly wild and it's crazy. Unexplored by outsiders.

Remember we heard the whole story about how they found the entrance to Songdung, and then the guy's like, yeah, yeah, I'll take you back there. And then it took him like 12 years to find it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think I remember you mentioned that. Yeah. So if the Say, say it again? So close.

But dude, one of the last thing about the animites, too, like you'd be hiking around in this. And it's, you know, you're fucking covered in leeches. It's, you're like, there's just water. There's water buffalo, right? Oh, yeah. Just wild water buffalo everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah.

But then you just like see like a bomb the size of this table just sticking out of the ground. Yeah. It's wild. Pretty nuts. Just like full of just bombs from the war. There's also so tragic and bad, man. Just destroying lands. It's wild, dude.

It's crazy. Also our best bro picture of all time came from the animites. That's right. Yeah. I just sent it to Kyle. It's real nice. Oh yeah. This was Pat's like Facebook or Instagram profile for like 10 years.

It's a good bro pick. I believe I posted it on Instagram because I wanted it for my dating profile. Ah, nice. It's a good one, yeah. You know, I was like, yeah, my beard's looking pretty good. Yeah, I was working out real hard at the time. You're in good shape.

Yeah. Standing next to an absolute stud. A couple handsome fellas. Face is still a little bit chubby, though. It always shall be. But I was, you said to me the other day, because I've gained all the weight I lost back now and I'm fat again. I didn't know that.

Absolutely horrible. You don't look much different. The thing is, this is what I was saying to pass. What happens is as you get older, because Pat said your face still looks skinny. And I was like, yeah, it's because of age, not because of anything I've done. You've lost college. It just goes away. So no matter what, when you're younger, you can't not have a fat face unless you're like, you know, doing roids or something.

Hey, I saw something. Kyle, Google this. I saw this this morning. Ball talks. Look, summer's here. I'm at the pool every Friday with my son. He does swim lessons. Something I'm doing without question is wearing my chubbies.

Chubbies. They're lines swim where they're so comfortable. But the thing is they stand out. They look great. I have this pair that's like blue with the flamingos. And then I got one that's crocodile. Dude, they got animal prints. Yeah.

I've not joking. I've had four or five different people come up to me at the pool, random dads with equal dad bods going, hey, where'd you get those shorts? Listen, my legs are my best asset. And I pop on those 5.5. Flamingo pink and orange shorts, and everybody's looking not at my ugly fat body,

but at my deliciously tantalizing strong legs. Dude, they're comfy, they're casual, and they're like with that liner because it's that soft kind of liner. They're like built for life. Like I can walk around in them all day. Oh, yeah. My old school swim trunks before I had chubbies,

I'd wear them for an hour and be like, right, well, my nuts are chafing and I'm miserable. And they're never drying between my legs. The chubbies are like, they're like classic, line swim trunks that are comfortable all day long. Whether you're suiting up for cannonballs, cookouts, or casual Fridays like Forrest.

Chubbies has you covered. For limited time, Chubbies is giving our listeners 20% off your order with our code Wild Times at chubbies shorts.com. That's code wild times at chubbies shorts.com. Please support our show and let them know we sent you. Summer's here.

Dress like it in Chubbies. Support the show. We love you guys. Well, it's the summer of P. I'm really celebrating myself. You sure. lost about 10, 12 pounds. And part of it has just been a simple lifestyle choice because I don't, it's a summer.

I don't want to be hot in the kitchen. I don't want to be doing dishes at night. Yep. So my wife and I have been doing factor meals, chef crafted, legitimately delicious, look forward to it. Yeah, they're really good. Yeah, she's doing the calorie smart. I'm doing protein plus. So there's a bunch of different packages that you can pick, tons of different meals.

They're all really tasty, shipped directly to your door. I use this product legitimately, and you should too. It's a major lifestyle change for the summer. I love how they're literally arrive ready to eat. You can just heat them up. You're good to go. They're so nice. They're so convenient.

I think it's the best option if you're trying to do things quickly. Get started at factormeals.com slash wild 50 off and use code wild 50 off to get 50 off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code wild 50 off at factor meals.com slash wild 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. Factomails.com slash wild 50 off. Give it a try. You're going to love it this summer. Absolutely. Ball talks. So stand by. Don't actually Google it. Wait, wait. Hold on. Kyle, don't. He doesn't need to. Don't do it. Don't do it. Okay. I don't know what this is. Oh, I was about to make a joke about Peter needing Botox. And then I thought of this,

this thing that I saw as I was doom scrolling Instagram, which said something, something ball talks. And it caught my ear and then I just didn't care enough to listen. I don't know. I don't know. the answer. I swear to God, I'm not lying. I don't know. Why do you think someone would get ball talks? And then we'll find out. I think because their scrotum is too wrinkly. All of our scrotums are wrinkly. I would say

I don't want... Self-conscious about it. I don't want a shiny scrotum. So I think one of the most disgusting things that happens to a man as we get older is your balls start to hang really low. So the skin gets really loose and then your nuts are like I mean, imagine taking a peek from behind.

Like your wife doesn't deserve that. So you think Baltox keeps the nuts up. Interesting. Keep some up a little bit more. So Patrick's saying it's to take the wrinkly. Smooth balls. Smooth bottles.

This shouldn't be happening. Botox. Botox paralyzes muscles. I'm going to say it's to, it's like male birth control. That's my guess. If it is to have a smooth nut sack, that's a real mental illness.

Yeah. And there's a picture of someone getting and we might have to blur it. I want to see what happens. What? Scroat. It's also called sprotox. Oh.

You know. Why? Why? Is that, look at the asshole in that picture. You can kind of just see the bottom. I don't think that's what that is. I think that's a human. No, that's not a human.

That's got to be a pig. Wait, so it's literally just take the wrinkles out of your nuts? Why wouldn't you want wrinkles in your nuts? It's very smoother, less wrinkles. It's the opposite, Peter. It's to make it larger and hang lower. Really? Also, why would you want that?

Also, some men get it for, relief from excessive sweating. Okay. How does that work? So, Botox, I actually know a woman who got Botox injected into her armpits to keep her armpits from sweating. Oh, yeah. So Botox stops the sweat glands?

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Adam Carolla got it on his forehead back in the love line days and was complaining how it didn't work. Huh. Yeah. So should I sign us up or now? We got to get our perspectives first.

You really want your nuts hanging lower? No. No. You're going to get hit more often. Yeah. I don't want them lower. They're low enough. Yeah. Yeah, now I'm out.

I think the people getting this really aren't like into nature wildlife. Do you remember when the plastic surgeon offered to do your leg for free because he thought Peter had been attacked by a shark? Yeah. But then we told him it was a motorcycle accident. He was really mad. Yeah. But he was the number one eyelid plastic surgeon in the U.S. He has like.

Oh, oh, because they do the lift, right? Like lift your eyelid. Yeah. Yeah. And so people fly from all over the world to get surgery from this guy. He's like my age. Yeah. He's the eyelid.

Billion dollars. And he books two years in advance. And people fly in from Dubai and China to get this eyelid surgery from him because he's so good. And we pitched him 10, 15 years ago to take what he knew and to turn it to become the scrotum guy. No way. Yeah. And he was like, ah, I don't think there'll be a big market for that. Nutlifts.

Yeah. Yeah. He was wrong. I feel like there's a big. market for everything. Like you can convince people to just do anything that doesn't even actually affect their appearance. There's stroke talks and ball talks. I think, yeah, I think I had the salmon seamen into your eyeball. It'll help you see better. Well, sure. My wife told me saying interesting. Her friend just got back from, I want to say Korea. They're putting snail slime.

North or South. Obviously North. Yeah. Yeah. They're putting snail slime on their faces over there. This is what I'm talking about. I just check this out. It might not be Korea, but just check. like tighten up the skin? Yeah, apparently, yeah, this is, it's literally one of those products. She gave my wife and my wife was like, yeah, I'm not going to eat this. So this is a young woman laying on a treatment table as if she's about to get a massage with snails crawling all over her fucking face. What does this do?

Like, tell me, what is better for me? A green egg cooch or a snail slime facial? What is a green egg? Oh, is that the other. We talked about it. Eltroth. That's disgusting and heinous. Eric, can we do a quick game?

Yes, please. All right. today. Did we even set up what's in the news before? We did that news story. We did one news story. We went back to it. It's okay. But I think we need to do something really topical here. And I put this together with Kyle last, very late last night, almost 1 a.m. Kyle. That's correct. Were you sleeping here on the couch? I was. What a guy. Yeah. He lives here. He had a little toothache he told me. So we're a couple days past July 4th. Yeah. I'm sure everyone had a lovely time. Could have used those sausages. Yeah, I bet you coulda. But I'm actually happy that I'll get to eat them all. But it's still, we're just summer starting. Ooh. So I've, I like this.

Put together a bracket. Bracket pod. Of top summer cookout things you need at your cookout. I love this. Do we have a jingle for this? I'm a huge, you know this barbecue summer guy. You do love a barbecue. I love a summer barbecue.

Shirts off, I presume. What is a shirt? I'm wearing a polo sweater. Two and a half inch Army pants. Panties or whatever. Dude, yeah, military panties. We were texting about those. I've got breasts again.

So these are just, these are items that you need to have a successful cookout. Okay. All right. Let's do it. Don't start with beer versus burger. Kyle fucked it out. That's the finals right there. Kyle,

well, I have them in an order, but I think when Kyle uploaded the photos, oh, no, these are the same order, right? Yeah. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right, let's start.

Fourth of July, barbecue, bracket, or summer, anything, anything you want. Let's start with, thanks for the correction. Hot dogs versus ice cold smirnoff ice. Obviously hot dogs, I mean, are you kidding me? Yeah, Spear enough ice fucking disgusting. It's disgusting, but I mean, it's like the bottom of the list of what I would be drinking. It's literally a punishment drink.

It is not. You ice someone, but it's so disgusting. Are you still under a clause that you can't talk shit about smirnoff ice? Yeah, that expired 17 years ago. You got to pull up a smirnoff ice one now. Right now, video of Pat smearna off ice. Every time. We haven't seen it in a while.

They're so good, bro. I think this is some of your best work. Smearnoff ice. Smearnoff ice, huh? Can you, do you remember any of your lines? Could you do it? Got to think of everything, dudesical.

Dudesical? How do I find this? It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It is funny. Anyone else, see if you could find Patrick in these old Smyrnaf Ice commercials he did. Do you know this?

This might be before you were even part of the lot times. He was the spokesman for Smyrnaf Ice guy. Literally, Patrick, like, like remember the most interesting man in the world for those seconds. That was Patrick for Smearnoff Ice. How'd you land that gig, by the way? Just real quick. I auditioned for it. And they were like, he's the guy. See if you can find it.

It's got to think of everything. Smear enough ice. Bro, we gotta see this. We can't move out. It is. It's been that long since we've talked about it. Especially since it's, it's, it lost the bracket immediately. Kyle, you've got it. Let's play it. Okay. Are we going to get a copy, right? Let's try. Make it big, make it

big. I want to see. There he is. Look at Pat. He stepped on my line. party you think of everything you serve smear enough that's right that's right what the hell was that yeah to think of everything am you go so what's up with a catapult there we go big dog i remember this conversion it's good man they are good they hold up there's so many of them i like the octopus one yeah to think of everything that's one so what's over to try to it So this next one was the anti-drinking and driving one.

This ran for three years. Smaring off eyes, huh? Got to think of everything, dude, school. So what's on with the gizmo? Yep. Look, this guy's... I'm out of here. He's going to drink and drive.

What a jerk. I got a monster truck. Oh, that's right. You run it over. That's great. I fucked up the first take. They only had three cars. Oh, my God.

But it was too late to call the truck back. Oh, no. So the director was like, You're going to do it in the right order this time? I was like, yeah. You're sure? We're down to two cars now. Why would they, couldn't they just redo your part?

Just the way they were calling action and stuff? No, because they wanted it connecting in the shot. Kyle, pop on Mike for a second here. How shocked are you to find out that Patrick DeLuca was the Smearnoff Ice guy? Actually, very, because I remember a handful of those commercials from years ago. They were huge. They were the spiked hair, the 90s spiked hair. Yeah.

It's a horrible dialogue. They went based on, they must have, it must have been like 75% the look, right? Because, I mean, you're a lot of the director thought I was funny. It was directed by a guy named Craig Gillespie who did, he did like I-Tanya. Oh, wow. Movie director. Yeah, yeah. And they're, I'm sure, paying him a lot of money.

And he thought I was funny because I ad libbed in the audition. Yeah. And so he, so he was like, we're going to record those lines. And then like after the second commercial, he was like, Yeah, they're not going to use any. Oh, bummer. It's all right. Got to think everything, brosicle.

But you get paid for something like that 20 years ago? Well, I was in a shitload of debt because I had racked up probably four or five different credit cards. Like everybody from college. Yeah. Yeah. No, well, and I also owed Cornell $88,000. Yeah. And I just, every check I got it has paid my debt off.

So it ended up paying for my college. Excellent. That's great. You know, it was four days of work plus an audition. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah.

Why would you do a backwards high five? You don't want to touch my hand? Thank you. All right. So is hot dog a contender to win this whole thing? No. I'll say this. It's an all beef hot dog if that changes.

That does change it. It is better. Is it kosher? It's better. All beef hot dog. All beef hot dog's better. Cosher hot dog? Maybe.

Maybe. Because it is blessed by the rabbi. One of those two things is quintessential summertime barbecue. The other is a smear enough ice. That's right. All right. So hot dog's advance. A hot dog must advance.

All right. What's next? Is that a Bratworth? A hot Italian sausage versus French onion dip. Oh, that is French. I thought that was Tater salad. You're right. That's French onion dip.

I'll go first here. Okay. Hot take. Well, I love a brought or a hot sausage like that, especially with some ground mustard. That's a winter food. Okay? It is. Very nice at Christmas time.

100% can grill it on the barbecue in the summer. Everyone will enjoy it. Yes. But that's a hearty meal that you want when it's cold out. Onion dip, you can eat at most. three times a year. One of those is 4th of July. Yeah. Fourth of July, the Super Bowl. Yeah. And then one

more throughout the year. Single de Mayo, maybe. At most. Otherwise, otherwise you're disgusting. So I think it's an easy give for summer. I'm going to go French onion dip. Wow. This is hard for me, actually. It's really difficult for me to pick the French onion div. I mean, it's just like,

it's ludicrous. Yeah, then don't pick it. I can't. I mean, like, look at how delicious those hot sausages look. Yeah, they do. I mean, I got to go hot sausage here. So if you went to someone's barbecue and they had cooked hot sausages, sliced them up and put little toothpicks in there. Oh, great hot.

Delicious. It's a great appetizer. Kyle, order lunch, please. This is a very hard one because French onion dip is one of my guilt. Like, I'll eat it with a spoon. That's some good looking French onion dip, by the way. It's got a little chies on top. That's humane.

Today could be one of those three days. Can we get that? Yeah, we should. Just a jar for brown. I'm going to break the tie. I'm going to go. French onion. Wow. Okay. French onion advances. I don't agree, but I'm human and I have it in my mind that I've already got hot dogs. No, this is a personal thing. I mean, this is not, there's no right

answers here. All right. What are we having? What are we seeing here, Peter? So we have the pool with people in it with the pool noodles floating on them, enjoying their time and the pool sunglasses on. So it's the pool, right? No. The pool noodles. That's the floaties. Oh, boy. It's the Floodies, come on. Okay, versus that looks like some type of maybe a ribby or skirt steak? Skirt steak. Grilled skirt steak versus pool noodles. This is so hard.

It's really hard. They're apples and oranges quite literally. Dude, I mean, dude. It's like comparing an airplane to a steak. Which one do you like? Let me pose this image. So imagine you have the pool, right? So you're happy, but no pool noodles, right?

So like now put that versus the skirt. steak. You got to put it into perspective. I'll jump in. Or you could have no pool, but you have pool noodles to hit each other with. Oh, that's actually fun. Still fun. I'm going to jump in here. One of those two things makes it a great day and it's not steak. Pool noodle for you? Pool noodle. Pool noodle means you're having a great day. If I see a pool noodle, I'm drinking more alcohol. 100%. If I see a steak, I'm just like, yeah, great, we're having steak today. There's other meat. Exactly. I don't want to go and say like you'll have other.

food because that might taint the rest of the bracket, because I don't believe that. But dude, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the pool with the pool noodles. They're having so much fun. It's, it's, it makes me want to go now out. It is, nothing is more summary than a pool noodle. It's very true. Very true. So right. All right. What's next, Kyle? Pool noodle advances. Clean sweep for pool noodle. Yeah. Oh, delicious. Beer brought. What do we got there? This is a keelbasa sausage. Kilbasa sausage. Kielbasa. I think he said, keel He did. He doesn't know how to say words.

Me neither. Coming from me. Polish sausage, kibasa with grill marks on it. Yeah. Or manasey, oniony, green bell pepper. I go first right here. Mac salad.

The max salad, I mean, I think I see, yeah, those are onions, but maybe there's some bacon bits in there too. Dude, Mac salad is, like when I was living by myself, I would eat a can of beans out of the can and like a full... Yeah, no, because then I would eat a eat. full fucking pound tub of just that and then potato salad or whatever other treat from the deli i'm going mac salad and it might win yeah i mean look max salad when it's ice cold straight

out of the fridge oh dude i'm so hungry you've got to get it early when it comes out keep your eye on the table that mayonnaise gets warm it's over once the mayonnaise is in the sun for 10 15 it's shit yeah so but i'm still going mac salad because it is delicious oh god it's Clean sweep. It's so good. I'm going to go out on a limb here and this is a bold strategy. I don't care what the other food is. It's hot dog or hamburger.

Sure. Like that's that what's making it a summer grill out. It's true. It's almost like the return on it. Once you get paid, there's a ceiling effect. Of the return on foods. Yeah.

Like once you get past hot dog or hamburger, it's like, yeah, sure, it's better to have the skirt steak. It's better to have the other things. But it's not that much better. That's not what makes it a summer barbecue. Max salad makes it a summer barbecue.

Oh, Oh, my God. I'm so, I want it now. The fancy stuff, like skirt steak or whatever, people are making on the grill is the equivalent of filling up on bread rolls at a buffet. Right. I'm not, I don't want to take up any of the space I have for hot dogs and hamburger. Right.

I'm with you. And I'm with you. And I'm with steak. God, I really want to get out of the studio and go have a grill up right now. It's all I want to do. We got to get barbecue for lunch. My house is 19 minutes away. I know.

All right. So, Kyle, what do we have? Wow. We have a squirt gun filled with alcohol versus salt and vinegar chips. Now, just to be clear, you created this bracket. We didn't find this one, right? I created this, but I did not say squirt gun filled with alcohol. It was it.

It was super soaker filled with urine. Oh, it's so close. Wait, what? No, it's good. But he put alcohol shotgun on there? It was late. It was late. We can make it an alcohol squirt gun.

Yeah, that's what it is. Squirt gun full of alcohol or salt and vinegar chips. But your original was a super soaker filled with pee? Yeah. You thought that was going to get even a vote? But it's like a funny thing to have because it's like always a threat that like someone's going to get drunk and start squirting people with a sociopathic thing to have. Yes. That's ludicrous.

I'm glad it's not on here. There will be one when you come over next week. I'm leaving immediately. My kid gets shot me eye with urine. All right. So we got alcohol shotgun for extreme partying versus sea salt. and vinegar kettle brand potato chips. I like both these things.

Yeah. No shit. And alcohol shotgun is a spring break tool. Fair enough. Less of a summer. Summer, yeah, could be a rowdy summer.

Dude, pool party? You kidding me? No, if I'm putting together. Yeah, but I've already voted for the... You know what?

Alcohol shotgun. I'm the fun guy. I'm not going to pick fucking chips. Come on. I pick fucking chips over an alcohol shotgun. We don't have a chip and that chip would go really well with the French onion. literally dip it in the French on.

You could scoop the Macs salad with it. Oh, yes. I'm going to be an old party pooper here. Alcohol shotgun is not for me at 42. I'm going. They see salt and vinegar potato chips. Yeah, I mean, the key with the salt and vinegar is like you're having a lot of fun, right? You're talking.

You got a bunch of combos going on. You're in and out of the pool with noodle. Yes. And the key, the great thing with chips with noodle. Is like when you don't have time to make yourself a whole plate, you can just drop. by it? Yeah. Just get a few calories in you.

Yeah. So I'm going to go with the salt and vinegar chips. Okay. It's the responsible choice. I was just trying to be the fun guy. That's another one you got to hit early, though, because it's either going to be gone or there's going to be like. So much pool water in there.

That's even worse. I was just going to say broken chips on it. All right. Salt and vinegar advances. I love this bracket, by the way. Oh, good. Hot take. Cooler.

Is that a fruit salad? The fruit salad. Cooler full of beer versus a fruit salad. beer. A beer. There's no way. There's no way. The fruit salad should be...

By the way, fruit salad... I don't want to do any more the bracket. Like, put fruit salad on there? But fruit salad is similar to the mac and cheese where like it's great for about a minute and a half, but the second it sits outside... Don't you dare compare fruit salad to mac and cheese. Wow. Macaroni salad.

I mean, obviously you need a cooler full of mixed beer. And it has to be American beer, to be clear. And it must be mixed. Yes. You need like three to four kinds with like two random straggler. Yeah, like a weird IPA that someone. that someone's had in their fridge for nine for hours. Absolutely.

Without question. Cool or feel of it. Get out of air fruit salad, you ridiculous fucking. Oh, here we go. What do we have here? Oh, this is good one. I love this one.

So now we got steak fritas. No, that's wings. We got wings, which is real nice, real nice finger food versus a backyard boxing match. That is correct. Yeah.

I'm going to jump in early. Kyle, how was it phrased in my bracket? Argument slash fist bite. Oh, it's easy. Easy win for me, backyard boxing. Yeah. I love a rowdy summer.

Like, let's go run it. Kind of let's go, let's go throw a couple of laws. That's why it had to be on there. Yeah. Okay. And it doesn't happen that much anymore. Not a lot. No, but July 4th is a good time.

Well, guys, you say that a lot. Like, we have a younger audience. These things still happen just not to us because we're older with children. I tried to do this two weeks, three weeks ago. With your wife? No, with that fucking my shoulder. Well, I'm voting for backyard boxing. I love, here's the thing.

I love watching. it even more than I love partaking in it. Yes. Well, that's the best problem. Absolutely. I'm going to stand there with that cooler full of mixed beer and egg it on to the point of it. As long as they don't knock over the fucking macaroni salad. Yeah.

It's, are you going to go wings? I am undecided. I'll just go ahead and step in then. I'm going to go with backyard boxing. And it's not because I need it for fun, but I do think, like, I'm presuming there's a Bluetooth speaker. Of course.

Sultans of Swing comes on. Two people are squaring off. You know, to be honest for me, I'm on the kind of the opposite end, because I don't like either of these things anymore. Can I say one thing before you lean in? Yeah. I just want to paint a little hypothetical. I want Kyle to weigh in two. For the two, Kyle could even come in and maybe make this a tie if I lose my argument here, right?

You're over at your buddy's house. Justin Christensen. Okay. Okay. We're at Justin's house. First and last name drop. Everybody's having a barbecue. You're having a great time.

Yeah. Two things happen. There's two roads you can go down. One is the wings come out. The other is a backyard punchup. Yeah. Which are you talking about the next day? The backyard punchup. Which is the one that stays with you five years from now when you're back at Justin's.

You go, hey, remember when fucking Neil and so-and-so had a punch? I'm using a little friend. Well, I mean, your fingers are still going to smell like the wings. Five years later. It's a big problem. You're asshole, too. Yeah. I mean, I guess for me, it's just what do I like least more?

What do I like more least? Wow. I don't know. I think both of those are flawed. Yeah, I don't know. I was trying not to use a double-dick. The problem is, man, we've got pool noodles. That means there's a pool most likely.

You can get your aggression out with those noodles? Yes, you can. And I don't want, but no, I don't want people with wing fingers getting in the pool. Cleaning them in the pool. You'll have a slick like a Las Vegas fucking cum pool. You got to have a wing cleaning station. That's what you need. That's expensive.

I'm going punch up. All right. Peter? Wow. I mean, you guys, by the way, punch up. I'm going to, I'll just go, I'll go punch up because it'd be fun to watch you to fight. Yeah, that's fair. Wouldn't be great.

No, for either of us. All right. A nice charcutory platter, cheese and fruit board. Yeah. Olives. Or olives, which are lovely, salty, nice, nice apatif. A couple of shitty pieces of berries on you. Yeah.

Yeah. I presume it's ice cold. Yeah, of course. Must it be rosé or could be a white wine or any other type of wine? It's going to be, for this, it's got to be rosé. Got to be a rosé. And here's what I'll say about that rosé pick that's up currently. The pools in the background of it, which makes it very important.

If that was just rosé on a table, I'd be like, nah, it's not close. That said, this is clear. There's enough booze for me. I'm not that into rosé. That fucking charcutory board minus the berries looks delicious. I'm going hands down. It's easy, rosé. You can drink a lot of it.

You can drink it all day. You can start drinking in at about 11. Wow. Ice cold rosé, dude. Can't be it. So you're going to forego having any raw cheeses, only, the cheese on the burger? My issue is that I don't think I'm going to get to the cheese fast enough

and it's going to be sweating by the time I want to partake in the blue. We need a lot of refrigeration for this shit outside. I'm going rosé, only because it's next to the pool and that sounds, that's how you start. The beer comes later, but you start with the rosé. I don't need the I'm just happy with a burger and some

mac salad that we've already established. How do I say this? A feminine. That's fine. Of a choice. Yeah. I'm okay with that. I'm just saying. I'm wearing a sweater polo. All right, Rose advances. Okay, so we're going to finish up this side. Yeah, we've got to finish up the left side of the bracket.

Okay, I'll go more rapid fire here. Okay. Hot dogs. All beef. All beef, hot dogs versus French onion dip. Hot dog for me, no question. French onion dip for me. Hot dog is a, to me, I'm not even going to a barbecue if there's no hot dog.

So if it doesn't win, I'm not attending. Fair enough. You got to have it. So at our barbecue, we're only. I'm going to have two items at the end of the day. Yeah, correct. Pool noodle versus Macs salad. This is tough.

No way. Mac salad. Dude, you've got to be crazy. Bro, that Mac salad, it's just because I'm hungry, but if I wasn't, I'd probably choose pool noodle. There are better foods coming. I'm going pool noodle. Yes.

Peter. Mac salad could win if it had a different draw, but I do have to go pool noodle. You son of a bitch. I mean, it's the right choice. I said there are no right choices. You did. All right. Now we're stuck with kettle chips and hot dogs.

Everything that we've gone through is good at this farming. I don't want to eliminate any. Yeah. Salt and vinegar chips, cooler of mixed American beer. I got to go with the beer. Beer. Sorry,

chips. Yeah. I mean, that's easy. Oh, wow. These are very opposite sides of the spectrum here. Exactly.

It's like a male aggression versus dainty, feminine. Yeah, shirtless punch up versus rosé in a wine in a long stem glass. How about? of the rosé because I'm a pussy I know you're going with the fight I was going punch up for sure

I just cannot let punch up win this I'm glad it made it to the round the next round yeah it made it as far as it could go all right we're down one more to the to the semi semi final what's it called I don't know all right so we got hot dogs versus pool noodles hot dogs for me

I thought we just did that so pool noodles for me so Peter's the tiebreaker pool party's a pool party yeah you need a new you need several dude you can not I mean, you have, you must have the hot dog. I have to choose hot dog. Thank you.

Thank God. I knew you were going to do that. I know it's just like, it's just an easy pick. I feel bad for pull noodle. Tough draw. Tough draw. This is a no brainer to me. I'll jump in.

It's beer versus rosé. One of these two things makes a barbecue. The other's a nice add-on. It's beer for me. If I, so I had a barbecue. I had some friends in town from college. Wasn't invited. Thanks.

You didn't go to college. Two weekends ago. So I had about eight to ten adults, probably six to eight kids. Great. I drank nothing but rosé. I didn't even lift a beer to my lips. I'm going to go rosé. Wow.

Ice cold, baby. Are you kidding me? Bro. What have you turned? First, beer, obviously. No, forget.

It's a summer of pee. Beer, obviously. He's watching his way. although I do appreciate the higher alcohol content. So you could argue the finals of the eastern side of the bracket are the only two things you need for a good review. This is more a hot dog versus beer and I'm disgusted that one is going to lose. Well, can I just weigh in before we vote on one thing?

Burger is going to come on the other side of the bracket. Maybe. I mean, it is. It's got to. Otherwise, I'll leave this entire podcast. So I can have friends over. If I'm having friends over and I'm offering hot dogs or beer, we're all going to have a better time with the beer than the hot dogs.

That is most certainly true. Yeah. Like if you had a bunch of buddies over and they were like, hey, you got anything to drink? You're like, no, but I have like a ton of hot dogs. They'd be like, I'm going home. Some people would leave. For sure. Or only stay for like 45.

Right. But if you're like, no, but I have a cooler full of beer, I'd be like, yeah, that'll work. Yeah, I don't have any food, but I got beer. We could like door dash something. Yeah. That's it. Fuck, that's good logic. But I, look, to me, hot dog is the most mandatory item at a barbecue.

I honestly, I'm not even going to really probably choose any other meats. I'm probably just going to save room for three to five hot dogs. So I'm going to go hot dog. I mean, it's the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. But I have to. And if Forrest wouldn't have called this out about the burger thing, this would have been a lot harder. But I'm sorry, hot dog. There must be beer.

It's fair. God, that sucks. Yeah, it's tough. It's a bad barbecue now. It's not. All right, we're back on the other side, right? Yep. All right. So beer advances to the finals, and it will face the winner of the Western Conference. Yeah, I love this matchup right here. We're going to start with cool ranch Doritos and a bowl of baked beans. That's, this is a hot take, but a bowl of baked beans is the most awful barbecue food.

You don't need it. It's sloppy. It goes on the paper plate. It's melting your plate immediately. But it can be so good when it's got the brown sugar. It doesn't matter, dude. There's like, Matt. Are you telling me if you're at a barbecue, my house, anybody else's, are you really going to help yourself to a bowl of sloppy beans in front of everybody else enjoying the pool? I just pull this right up to it and eat it with the big spoon. I would never.

I'd be too embarrassed to eat it in public. This is a man who's been on a bean diet twice. That's true. I'm pitching to the wrong person. I go Doritos. Doritos are a nice. It even says party on the bag. Yeah.

Party size. tells you what you're doing. Yeah. Reminds you. All right. Well, I mean, Pat,

that's cool rancheries. Yeah, I mean, they're delicious. I, sorry beans. Goodbye beans. I threw beans in

mostly for jokes because it's such trash. It's terrible, terrible barbecue food. Oh, my God, it looks good. Oh,

but on the right. Pat, set this one up. What are you got on the right there? What is this, Kyle? This is a cheeseburger versus a quarter inch dynamite sticks.

Oh, yeah. Fireworks. Bears are like, I thought they were cocktails. I thought that was a straw. Yeah. This is impossible. Cheeseburger versus fireworks slash dynamite.

All right, I'll go. Just because, I mean, listen, like, with the burger, there's no chance of an explosion except out of your ass. So, you know, like, yes, the quarter sticks of dynamite would be fun. But in my old age again, that cheeseburger, by the way, it looks vulgar dope. I'm going cheeseburger. That cheeseburger looks amazing. I'm so hungry. Order lunch. What is that? Is that Shake Shack? Dude, I don't know. It looks like maybe a smash bird. A lot of good pickles on there.

Oh, stop. I'm starving. This is horrible. Do you want to jump in? I love me a good quarter stick of dynamite. Sure. I used to blow up friends toilets with them. I've done all kinds of. Yeah, true story. Did it once. Oh, man. Yeah, literally destroyed my friends. Glad I was with you earlier. You probably still do it. But as no, but I would. I'd love to do it again. As an adult, as an adult,

it reminds me to tell that story at some point. As an adult, it's got to be the burger at the barbecue. I think now is a good time to tell that story. Okay, it's not that great of a story. We were at my friend's house. It was when I was a kid in Zimbabwe, and you could buy, you know, any firework there. There's nothing illegal.

Literally sticks of dynamite. Literally. And, you know, we were like 12 or 13 and we were blowing up all kinds of shit, putting buckets over it and blowing it up, shooting Roman candles at each other. And then I just, just like you do as a 13 year old who has nothing but testosterone on the brain, I literally just lit one and flushed it.

I thought it might go out. Yeah, I was like, I was like, it'll go out. It'll be fine. He's like, no,

it won't. And then I lit it, put it in the toilet and flushed it. And it was like, and it disappeared. And I was like, see? And then just one second later it was like,

and you just like heard it. And then nothing happened for a half second. And then the cracks just went up the side of the toilet. Oh, no way. And then all the water started dumping out. Oh my shit.

Dude, if I was his parents, I would have killed your dad. What was the repercussions of this? Oh, we both got beat to shit by his parents. Oh, I was going to say,

man, like that is just... As you deserve. I'm not even advocating to not hit kids now. It was terrible. I was terrible thing to do it. You think about your kid

maybe like breaking your TV by throwing the remote at it by accident or something. This is like $5,000 in repairs. Oh, yeah. Maybe like up to a million. In the fucking pipe.

Like, it's crazy. It's such a shitty thing to do. And that is why cheeseburger wins. Yes. Otherwise, I'll flush it. What is this, Kyle? This is hamburger versus moonshine.

Okay, so I wanted a distinction here. Horrible visuals here. No, it's, what? It's great. Kyle makes like an empty jar. One o'clock in the morning. No, I'm not dragging on him. I'm just...

I wanted to include a hamburger. Okay. Say why, because I'm going to fight you on this. Yeah, this is ridiculous. Because I just wanted to see, it was bait. I want to see if either of you would take the bait. Okay, well, I will rage. If this is rage bait, it's working.

Okay. Anyone that picks a hamburger over a cheeseburger will promptly be asked to leave my I will not eat it. I'll just be like, get out. Oh, sorry, I don't want cheese on my burgers. Get out. They all have cheese on them, sir. I'm melting the cheese on the burger on the grill.

I think with the exception of maybe if someone's kosher, I agree with you wholeheartedly. And I would rather not have the calories and just figure out other food than have a hamburger without cheese. It's insane. It's not good. It's ludicrous that it exists. If you're one of my two friends that watches this podcast and you prefer to have your burger without cheese, immediately remove me from your friend list. Get out of his contact.

Delete from phone. Somewhere going moonshine. Yeah, moonshine. For sure. I could just do moonshine. Kind of like just doing the beer and I'm having a good day. Absolutely. All right.

Potato salad versus. mustard. Easy for me. Get out of here. Yellow mustard. I'm going fucking potato salad. Let me jump in. All right. There's three things that I want for a good barbecue. A type of alcohol, hot dog, mustard. I would pick mustard over cheeseburger. That's weird. That's how important it leads to me. But now

should I take into account the fact that I don't have a hot dog? That's the thing. The dog's gone. Yeah, you got a burger, but I mean ketchup's good on a burger. Kyle, what do you think? No, no, everything's independent of each other. Wow. He was right on top of that. Than mustard. I have a hot take on this too, which is that Heinz yellow mustard is the best mustard ever created. It's better than-es-es-a-barbecue.

Than any fancy mustard, any Dijon, any anything. My wife won't buy it. That's crazy. My wife won't buy it. She's like, we have all these nice sausages, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're getting all this fancy fucking whole bubble mustard. I just want Heinz yellow mustard. It's because it's got the most vinegar.

It's so good. It's so vinaigery. That said, if I'm... If I'm picking between those two, I'm going to get some tater set. That's right. I got your baby girl. Thank you. Get out of here.

You know, it's funny is if I'm eating indoors, I'm going to go with a Dijon, like a gray poupon. If I'm meeting outside, Heinz yellow. Let me tell you something. Yellow mustard sucks. No, come on. It should be taken off the shelves. Come on.

You must be joking. Next. Wow, that's ridiculous. Horrible. Bugs spray versus ketchup. I get the point. I really do. Both essential, by the way.

So I'm going to paint a picture here. This barbecue is not, you're not inviting people over at noon and then everyone's filtering out by four or five. Yeah, this is going to the night bar. Evening. It's going to the night. You're going to have quite a few stragglers. You want to get the lights in the pool on. Uh-huh.

Right? Yeah. So let's assume 10 to 12 stragglers staying until the night. So you're going to have dusk. God, I love the summertime. Well, the mosquitoes come out. Yeah. So do you need ketchup or buckspray?

I mean, I have an easy answer here. First of all, ketchup is is a thousand times better than mustard. Don't care what you say. Are you a chick? I don't care what you say. People have given me shit my whole life. It's a big, it's a bad thing to say in Chicago. You're not allowed to put ketchup on your hot dogs.

Fuck off. Maybe it's my reason for being traumatized about it and literally hate it. Sounds like you were beaten. Listen, with the yellow mustard container. and shoes. But, you know, listen, bugs don't, they don't bite me that much. And I know that there are people like my wife who are much more susceptible to them. So in the self-interest of, I guess, myself, I'm going with ketchup.

We've already established there's a pool at this party. Yeah, of course. Which means if the bugs are biting, you get in the pool. I like it. All the natural. A natural remedy. Not to mention, let's say you're the homeowner. Do you want a bunch of people slagy?

gathered in bug spray, hopping in your pool? Nope. I don't. And they're going to spray. They're going to walk to the door jam. They're not even going to go outside to spray bug spray on themselves. It's a mess. Get some citronella candles going.

Yeah, I'd rather have ketchup at my barbecue. Kemp, clean sweep. I don't even use it. Thank you, Hines. You did one thing right. All right. So this is very specific. It is.

Cornhole? A cornhole game? Yeah. Nice clean board, clean fresh bags. Oh, God. Cornhole. Nachos made with melted velvita cheese specifically. It looks good.

Except it's on a sterile plate. Don't like that. It is very, very, the velvita is hilarious. It's got little chunks of, looks like ground beef in there, tomato, some chives or onions. It looks really good, sour cream. Nacho platter. Yeah. But the cheese must be liquid velvita.

I like the Americana image of the, uh, of the cornhole. You've got the hot blonde wife who's spectating cornhole sitting in the blaring sun. That actually looks like a 65 year old silver fox woman. Yeah. She's a treat. The guys are in shoes. No one would be doing that. the lawn. I like that they got the bean bag mid-air. Yeah, it's a nice shot. It's cornhole.

That's a good time. Patrick? I mean, if I'm going to be fully honest, I would, I would have cornhole because I think having some entertainment is probably better than an additional food item. Cornhole for me growing up in the Midwest was, I mean, we would sometimes just, do you? Yeah. We would just get together and play cornhole without the barbecue sometimes. It's 100%. It's a wonderful game. And it reminds me of my childhood. For me, it's a, it's a no-brainer. Clean sweep.

Lock it in. It is cornhole. Clean sweep. Okay. So a bowl of condoms versus a white trash rock and roll playlists on the Bluetooth speaker. Yeah. I like this. I want my speaker blown out.

I want to barely be able to interpret the words. And I want a lot of kid rock at the barbecue. And then I'm happy. My name is Kidd Rock. That's great. And also at my barbecues that I've always had, the ratio of male to female is like 12 to 1. So I don't need the ball of condoms at my barbecue. 36 males, three women.

Pretty much. Sounds about right. Yeah. Clean sweep. Yeah, clean sweep. Okay. I don't wear condoms number half. You're not a sailor.

All right. We have barbecue spare ribs versus margaritas. It's interesting because I, I, I, I shat on like other drinks at the barbecue. Yeah. But in the summertime and you're bringing out a blended margarita, that makes you a great host. Oh, dude. Imagine even offering the little float of cuvassier on top to make it a Cadillac.

Yes, please. Are people turning that down? No, never, never. I'll go first. Yeah, do it. Think it through. I'm going to go margarita because I just, that made me want one really bad. And again, I'm thinking of if it's my pool, I don't.

want people with sauce fingers. You're big on the extra stuff ending up in the pool. Peter, the next time we go to Pat's house, let's just like rub our hands and like cheese and ketchup and then just go wash them in the pool. I took a shit in it last time I was there. Uh,

listen, I mean, it's, it's, you know, it's, it's not a good matchup because fucking, all you need is a hamburger hot dog can get rid of the spare

ribs. The margarita adds so much value to the, to the barbecue proposition. It does. Even if you just have one, like you're on top of the world. That's absolutely true. Get your day started.

Clean sweep for Marg. Absolutely. Peter really sold me to be honest. I was being like, ribs are nice of finger food, but the Margad's so much. Oh, boy. All right.

We'll blow through this quick to get to the finals. Yeah. Cool Ranch Doritos are cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. That's going to be the winner. It's got to be. Potato salad or moonshine.

Potato salad for me. I'm going to go shine. Really? I don't need... I'll say I serve myself potato salad at a barbecue less than 50% of the time. Okay.

Whereas Moonshine, I'm always gonna have a little dabble. We got a little tiebreaker. Can we get a drum roll? You got a drum hit there? Don't press the wrong button. I will go potato salad. No drum roll necessary.

I will do it. Okay. That's fine. It's too good. Bye-bye, shine. Cornhole versus ketchup. Holy shit. So no mustard, no ketchup. Big K's.

We still have mustard, right? Mustard's long gone. You eliminated mustard. Okay. Well, I was going to say so, well, so keep in mind here now you'll have no ketchup or mustard to put on your burger. Dry dry, dry, dry meat. They still got the cheese, though. Because I've eliminated all sauce meats.

I assume there's manhays, not on the bracket. I'm picking cornhole. It's fun. It's entertaining. Everyone can live without ketchup. Pete, dude, I just went on a whole diatribe about it. My childhood with cornhole and ketchup. And yeah, both of them actually.

You love both equally. We got a pool. Don't need the cornhole. I'm going to catch up. That's fair. Is it fair, Kyle? Can I assume there's mayonnaise? Sure.

Wait, no, it's not on the list. I know, but I don't know how the rules. There's other things that weren't on the list. Yeah. No, no. As long as there's some sauce for the meat, we're going to go cornhole. Stand in there with a beer and a coozy, tossing bags. This is an invalid fucking bracket.

There are no other items. Ketchup must be cornhole. There are there other items. That means there's going to be one thing at this party. That's right. There's only two things. Well, including the pool.

One thing. Only one thing wins. It's true. Only one thing. That's a terrible party then. That's what I say. All right, Margarita versus your white trash playlist.

This is actually hard. So is there, there's no music. If we get rid of music, there's no music. Okay. So there's no music or no margarita. And we have cooler a beer on the other side waiting for us.

That's true. That one on the other side, right? Yeah. beer. Yeah. In that case, we need white trash music. We do. Must have. Yeah. Imagine. Because if those two are all you have, you've got a good time. A hundred percent. That's most parties in college.

Correct. Just cooler of beer and music. Correct. Yep. Maybe a little weed too. Yeah. Cheeseburger potato salad. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Moving on. I think it's going to win, baby. I don't know. And Cornhole versus your playlist and your tunes. Same logic here. But both of these go well with the cooler of beer. Absolutely. And you can actually.

enjoy cornhole with a cooler beer and no music, I feel like. But, but... Man, I don't want to be just listening to people wheezing through their fucking nose whistles. Same logic for me, man. Listen, you've got to have fucking music. You got to pull a pool and one cheeseburger. It's very specific music. Goodbye, Cornhole.

Okay. No, that's fair. That was the right choice. Goodbye, Cornhole. So moving on to compete against cooler of beer, we've got white trash rock music playing loudly over a Bluetooth speaker or cheeseburgers. It's got to be the cheeseburger.

Because the music and the beer, you can have a great time together, but we're talking about a summer grill out. That's correct. We're not talking about a college party. It's not even if we don't have a cheeseburger. If we lose the burger, we've lost the barbecue. There's no locker of barbecue.

Propane tank. Yeah, correct. Yeah. So you're going cheeseburger? I must. Yeah. Cheeseburger. All right.

I don't even want to do finals. That's it. That is the party. Should we not do? Yeah, this is it. That's it. That's it. I don't think they need to compete.

Wow. I mean, I mean, this is it. Okay, but we're all going to pick cooler of beer. Yes. So we can do it.

But the point is, you get together with your buddies and you each have a burger and nothing to talk about, or you have a cooler of beer and everything to talk about. Exactly. Yeah,

even the most mundane things. We've already established pool. So if you just got some buddies together with a cooler of, beer and a noodleless pool, you can still have fun. Absolutely. You'll be sad that there's no noodles. If I text you, hey, come to my house for a beer and a swim, you're going to do it.

If I text you and be like, have a burger in a swimmer? You're like, no. Well, as long as it's not in the pool, that's gross. As long as it's not just you and your wife inviting me and my last. Correct. For our swingers. All right, that's the party. We got burger and beer for the ultimate summer grill out.

You should have known that getting into it. Yeah. I thought hot dog had a good chance. It did. It really, really did. Hey, let's go to your house and grill out. I'm hungry. I'm starving. Legit, let's go right now.

Let's go. Good night, everybody. Good night. Hey, don't forget to go to wild times. club forward slash info for all the links. Check out. You do six podcasts a month. I know you only get two, but there are six available total. Go to wild times.

That club forward slash info. Love you. Good night.