Wild Times: Wildlife Education - Shark Week Near Death Experience, Zombie Gay Sex Cicadas, and Satanic Cats

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Today's audio adventure opens with an angry Retep ranting and raving about how Broducer Pat's lack of communication is derailing the podcast recording schedule. After that we hear about how Forrest's lack of an amygdala almost gets him killed again during Shark Week filming. The guys introduce a new segment called 'Bizarre Animal of the Week,' and a surprise guest pops in to yell at Pat. Tune in for all of that and much more!  Follow us @WildTimePod More at https://thewildtimespodcast.com We love you.

All right, three, two, one. Fuck you, Pat. You gotta make it out of sync on purpose. God damn it, what the fuck? Let's do with this shit. And we're back with the one-times. Episode 18. Wild time.

The three of us are hanging out in a bar. You see this gorgeous chick, just shaking it on the dance floor. Start clicking your fingers and make your move. Turns around, it's fucking the ugliest dude you've ever seen. You're joined today by the bro-ducer, Mr. Patrick DeLuca, the extremely angry professor, Peter Fitzer, and myself, the ever-handsome broologist, Boris Galante. Welcome back, everybody. How you guys doing? Peter, why are you so angry?

What's going on today? I'll tell you why I'm fucking angry, Forrest. I'm angry because last week, last week, the fucking broducer, Pat over there said, he told us, all right, guys, I'll be home. I'm done traveling. It's all good. We can get back on schedule. We'll be consistent. Things will be great.

You know, he fucking patted our heads and rubbed our bellies. And then he fucked us again this week, Forrest, didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? I think I sent a message out on Tuesday. Sorry, I didn't want to, but he did. And then no answer until like Saturday or fucking Sunday. I don't even know what day is it.

It's Sunday. And you didn't send a message on Tuesday. You sent 14 messages. all titled at Patrick DeLuca followed by a question mark every day since Tuesday. Just no reply, dude. But I didn't. Yeah.

No, no, hold on. I'm not done yet. It's not. It's not. I didn't just come out firing because I know that if I do that, he'll be a dick. So I gently said, when would you gentlemen like to record this week on like Monday or Tuesday? And just no reply. Then I proceeded to text.

I hit him up on other mediums. I fucking blew in a call. No answer. Screamed. And then here we are today. I got a dinner in fucking, I don't know, 20 minutes. God damn it. What kind of fucking bro-ducer are you?

Patrick, you're a rebuttal. I wanted to give Peter an opportunity to express. But here's the thing. And he knows this. And Forrest knows this. I am easily contactable via text or phone call. what's app is not a good way to contact me this is listen

all right do you have more if if you really needed to get a hold of me you know to just text me and it literally instant reply will come that's absurd that's absurd and I have talked to other friends just about this because I was so angry I was like is Pat responding to your texts

is Pat answering your calls no never ever no everybody I'm going to take, no, I'm going to take Peter's side on this one. You can be terrible when it comes to communication. No, I know. Look, and I respect it because sometimes I don't have a phone on me for a week at a time. Right.

But you, I will send you a text, be like, hey, want to grab dinner? And I'll hear from you the following Wednesday. No thanks. When I sent it on Saturday. And I'm like, uh, that's all right. I really didn't want to grab dinner tonight anyway. And keep this in mind, you guys are two of my favorite people in the world. So it's not you.

something was wrong. I was more concerned than anything. I even sent you a text. Are you okay? Well, listen to me. I never asked for this, right? I made it through 18, 19 years of my life without a cell phone. I liked being unreachable.

You had a voice, you had an answering machine. When you got home, you checked him. And I was the guy who let it pile up until the machine was full before I listened. And sometimes you were listening to a message a month later. And I liked it. You're a fucking. adult. Do you want me to change your diaper, mate? Because this is fucking bullshit.

Like, how are you a functioning adult? Things need to be scheduled and put on calendars and the schedule should be followed. Okay, but that said, I did text that I was good for, I said I was good for four o'clock. When I say I'm good, I'm good. You don't have to check. I'm in. He did. I'm in.

And I boned us because I went surfing at 2.30. It's fine. Okay. So real quick for us. But case in point, we were supposed to record. We're supposed to record on Thursdays so that the professor has time to fucking edit the podcasts. And the last fucking, I don't even know how many have been edited Sunday night. You know, that's, for us, have you noticed that since he's, since he's had his lady friend, that he's, he's being a little more precious with his time, isn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, he's real high TV. What are you talking about? I don't want to fucking record a podcast for. for two hours on Sunday and then it's Sunday. All right, Peter, here's what we're gonna do. Here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna take a deep breath in.

Let's go, come on, deep breath. One more, one more. All right, don't you feel better. Hey, Peter, everybody loves you. Everybody loves you. All right. Yeah, you know, everybody loves you, you're doing great. What you're doing, yeah.

Everybody's digging it. Everybody's into it. Okay. Patrick appreciates it. Yeah, I appreciate it. We might not always show up on time, but we appreciate you pestering the shit out of us all week. And I will say that when I was on a,

I was on a Skype call with your mom last night, Peter, and she said she loves you a lot too. She doesn't know how to fucking use a goddamn DVD player, let alone video chat. It's weird too. Because when she texts Patrick, he gets right back to her instantly. Well, she gets really mad.

You think he gets mad. How do you know, Forrest? What are you guys all fucking talking to my mom and a group chat? I'm not involved? Yeah, that's right. Dude, so Forrest, You've been surfing a hell of a lot the last couple weeks.

Is it like a new, are you like going to become like a surfer bra? No, I think it's just been a fortuitous timing with the podcast. And, you know, I also got this new electric surfboard, which is just, it's a real treat to take out and rip around on.

And I'm trying to figure out how to run it in the waves because that hasn't really been done yet. And I'm eating a lot of shit really hard. I have to imagine, yeah. But it's fun. So I think having that new toy is, has re-inspired my love of surfing. And there's been a little bit of swell lately, which has been nice.

Forrest, I saw your video that you posted on Instagram where you had your, your dog on the front of the, what's the surfboard called? It's, it's, first of all, just to remind everybody, it goes up to like 40 miles an hour. Yeah. You got your dog on the front of this thing. This is like a new dog. How did you train his ass to fucking sit on that thing? I can't even get, dude, it couldn't even get mine to go on a pedal board.

I've had my dog for seven months. Yeah, we're working on it. He's not great at it yet. But yeah, I'm getting him to just sit on the bow, and then I can rip around on it, and he just hangs out, and he's a little surfing pup. It's pretty fun. That's super cool. It's like a magazine cover, dude.

I was like, are you kidding me with this shit? This is amazing. He loves it, too, man. His name's Hoover, the new pup, and he's just, he's getting so, because I, like, call him for an adventure, and he, like, he knows when I'm buckling him into his little life jacket. And we're only a couple. I mean, he's young, right? He's four months old.

So we're only, we're probably three sessions away from no life jacket on the pup. But right now he's, he's killing it. Hell yeah. How does he swim? Does he just the instincts kick in and he moves the little arms and legs kind of thing? Totally. Doggy paddle, verbatim. It's fucking bonk because I hadn't taken my dog swimming until I was in Ithaca.

And so I waited in, like, you know, first day, couldn't wait to see what she did in the lake. Waded into about chest deep and let her go and just fucking, boom. Just first time ever in the water, fucking pro swimmer, speeding to the shore. And then it ran up to the house and didn't come down to the lake for two days. Nice. But it's crazy the instinct, man. Yeah, it's just, it sucks that we suck so bad at everything when we're born. We really do.

You know, what's interesting is all mammals are apparently born with the instinct to swim. There's no mammal that you can throw in the water that will instantly drown, which I think it goes back to, you know, the fact that we all crawled out of the sea, so to speak, evolutionarily speaking. And we've never lost that ability to swim. Like you can throw any mammal in the water and it'll swim. I was just thinking about it when I saw the dog swimming. And I was like, man, like dogs are born.

They're pretty useless for like a couple weeks. But at age like, you know, six weeks, they're already doing shit that is so beyond what a human could do at six weeks. So I just randomly Googled a few days ago, like just to see what the gestation period for a dog is. what would you guess it is? So humans around 9 to 10 months, apes are right around 8 to 9 months. I'm going to say it's like 10 weeks. You're pretty close, yes.

It's literally exactly 10 weeks, yeah. Oh, that's very close. I didn't even look that up. Biology brain. It's so bizarre that it's that short. But you also got to think, you know, what is it, a dog year is seven years and human years. So everything's condensed, right?

Like their growth period, their learning period, their life cycle, it's all condensed. What would you guys guess the longest gestation period of any animal is? No Googles. No Googles. No Google. No Google. Professor's going to go, I'm going to go with 24 months, two years.

It's pretty close. It's like 23 months. It is a... Wait, let me guess. Let me guess. Blue whale? That was my guess. That is not the blue whale.

It is a different mammal. Another big one, elephant. Oh, shit. 660 days. Yeah, that's crazy. Humans are terrible. last night I took prilosec this is how terrible human brains are

got tinnitus for four hours a buzzing in my ears what is prilosec it's a fucking like a heartburn medication I've never taken it okay dude a buzzing do you know about tinnitus have you guys heard of this yeah the ringing I have tonight mine's a ringing not a buzzing well it can be a ringing or a buzzing and so I legit went into a full blown panic I thought I mean I almost had an anxiety attack I was like

I might have to go to the ER I don't know why what this is. Every time I laid down, it was just like, mm-hmm. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And then normally I don't like to look up any symptoms of anything because it says it's going to,

it essentially says it's going to die. Yeah, you're going to have fucking ear cancer or something. So I bit the bullet, though, because it was either that or the fucking ER. And it turns out that this fucking medicine that I took, it gives,

it's like a rare side effect is it gives you tinnitus. temporary tinnitus. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? But I felt so much better. How glad are you had only lasted four hours and not four days? Dude, you would kill yourself. It said that it's one of my biggest fears in life is getting, is getting permanent tinnitus. And I know people actually commit suicide because there's a subreddit about it and people go there and they're like, I want to kill myself. So it's a big fear. So I was really fucking freaking out. I was like, what did I do? Like I'm going to die. I'm have to kill myself. I would have freaked out, dude. If it, I'm going to have to.

If I, and I couldn't sleep. That was the worst part. Let's break this down for a second. Your biggest fear is getting tinnitus, which you're getting from taking Prylose, which you're needing because of the amount of Taco Bell that you're consuming. No, no, not Taco Bell. So if you wanted to negate your fear, booze, no. Was it that you boozed for two days and didn't eat? Is that what it was that you didn't eat? I, I boozed and ate for two days straight

without stopping. Pepperoni pizza. I think there was like some kind of fucking rap. Dude, raps aren't healthy. Sorry, I'm going on rants. You're very fired up today. Dude, I mean, honestly,

I was getting real just, I couldn't wait to chastise Pat about the whole thing. So I'm in a ranty mood. Sorry, but go ahead. Let's talk wild times bullshit. So now we can start the podcast,

now that we're 20, 23 minutes in. 13 minutes, 20 seconds. Whatever. So guess what's coming up in a week from today, gentlemen? Any idea? It's the most wonderful week of the year. It's Shark Week. Oh, yeah.

It is. Shark Week. It's back. It starts one week from today. Fuck yeah. Patrick and I have a show on it, the land of the lost shark. Nice. It follows me into some extremely treacherous waters in Southern Africa, looking for three species of lost shark.

and Discovery is saying that it's their favorite show of the week. So I think people should watch it. Fuck, yeah. It sounds amazing. And this was what you guys had been saying on the podcast for the past several episodes. We can't talk about it yet. What can we talk about? And then it was a little more and a little more.

Finally, it's released. We're good. We're announced. Yep. All the Dietz. South Africa, Mozambique, three species of Lost Shark, one hour to look for all of them. It's kind of the biggest hour of TV we've ever done, because we've always focused on looking for one lost animal.

In this episode, we look for three. Nice. And it's huge. And it's crazy. And we use cutting edge tech. There's a couple very near-death experiences with myself and the crew. It's gnarly. Yeah, it's awesome.

So without giving too crazy of a spoiler for us, what, when you say there was a couple near-death experiences, like, give us a little bit of one of them. Sure, sure. Well, actually, unfortunately, some of it just didn't. make the show because it's really hard to film some of this stuff. And one of them, my cameraman, Mark and I, so first of all, we were doing this thing called deploying brubs, which are baited remote underwater video systems, BRUBS. And we had like 30 of them to deploy. And so we were taking turns, going down on the reef and setting down three or four at a time and coming up and then the

next guy's turn to set down the brubs. It's like trail cameras underwater. Anyway, Johnny and Donald, two of the guys on our crew, go down that morning and go, come back up and go like, hey guys, we saw a fucking huge great white shark like heads up we're like oh did you film it did you have the cameras they're like no we're just putting brubs down but you know we're out here in the middle of nowhere currents are ripping be really careful there's a huge great white shark around we're like all right copy that so then mark and i go we set our brubs come back to the surface everything's Gucci you know we like see a couple bull sharks whatever come back to the surface current is fucking ripping a squall is hit boats are nowhere to be seen this is not like so sorry so for us non-divers

You're down. How deep are you? We were at like a buck 40, 140 feet. So 140 feet and everything's calm. You're just like, this is chill. Yeah, you know, you know. Currents were gnarly. Like the whole dive, and you'll see that in the show. You'll see the, actually, another secret story.

I actually pulled my hamstring and had to have surgery when we get back. You remember that, Patrick. Not pulled it, sorry, tore it. It was gnarly. And you don't even see it on the show. But current conditions were gnarly. Currents were rippic. We're underwater cruising at like eight knots.

And we're like, okay, like, current's ripping, but we put our brubs down, we're good to go up, right? So we head back to the surface, and we can see, like, above us, oh, man, the wind's picked up. Like, it's looking gnarly up on the ceiling on our safety stop. We come up, break the surface, and there's just a squall. Massive rain, huge, huge waves, like seven, eight foot waves breaking, and the boat that dropped us off, nowhere to be seen. What? Can't even see it. That's insane.

Can't even see it. You're that far from it. All we could see. Yeah, all we could see. was maybe 25 feet in front of us because there was so little visibility from the squall, boat had lost us. We're going up and down in the surf, and Mark and I know that there's a giant Great White Shark around that have been seen that morning, and we're just floating out to see. Now, this isn't like you're diving off the coast of San Diego, and there's going to be 300 boats

coming by you at any, you know, any given hour of the day. We're in an area that literally nobody had ever died before. It was uncharted territory. Nobody knew it. It took three days just to get the boats into the zone and we're just drifting out to freaking out to see in the Mosembeek Channel with a great white shark around. So we drifted for about 45 minutes taking turns looking down to see if the white shark was coming around and then sure enough we spotted the dingy in the distance that it came and grabbed us.

Dingy in the distance. Who was more legitimately concerned between you and Mark? Oh, definitely Mark. Well, he doesn't have an amygdala. No, it's not that. It's just it's more his his personality is like to worry a little bit and I don't want to insult Mark because you guys I mean Patrick you know this like he's pretty mellow yeah he's pretty fearless yeah he is he's a fucking nerd he's a big nerd and he's uh he's definitely more of a warrior than I am I was just

kind of like well we'll just inflate the BCs and drift and see what happens you know they know we're out here yeah yeah oh man you're nuts dude you are a fucking insane person you know those you know stories are like you see them every once in a while like scuba divers just like never get back on the boat much it can happen yeah oh yeah absolutely but um yeah that happened uh like i said it wasn't my hamster my groin i tore my groin had to have surgery when you got back um crazy ripping currents big toothy sharks it was gnarly man there's you see some of the near death stuff like there's one thing with the waves that's pretty crazy but yeah that was one that you know there's no camera action for that it's just kind of like, oh, the guys are missing. Right. Yeah. But yeah, it's a cool show. It's a good

hour of TV, that's for sure. You have almost died more than anybody I've ever met in my life. I just want you to know that. And I've got a big broner from it. Speaking of torn groins, by the way, I think it's time for producer Will's new. We're going to try a recurring segment like a real podcast. What is it called for us? What's our first recurring segment? This is the bizarre animal of the week. So here's why I said speaking of torn groins. How tall are you, Peter?

About six feet, six one? Six feet? Six feet, exactly. Forest, you're right around there too, right? Sure am. Imagine mating with a woman that was 500 feet tall. Do you think you might tear your groin? Yeah, that's a... Is that a good time? I'm not sure.

Wait, what the hell are you talking about? Just imagine mating with a woman that was the size of a 50-story building. What might that do to your groin and penis? And in this, I like the way this is shaking out. So we're not going to tell you what the bizarre animal that we're talking about is. We're just going to tell you a few more things about it. Peter definitely knows what it is because he's a big animal guy. Yeah, huge.

Pat, for you at 5'3, I'd like you to also picture. picture yourself trying to conquer this giant. Yeah, I'm 510. So for me, it's like a 460 foot tall woman. 5.3. Meager, tiny. All right. The same animal is immune to deadly jellyfish stings and tentacles.

And is not only immune to them, but it's capable of grabbing onto them and repurposing them to sting other things. Why not that interesting? So a man-of-war or a jellyfish tries to sting this animal, it's like hey fuck off didn't hurt and I'm going to take your tentacle and use it like a spear that's correct yeah yeah it's like an Indiana Jones whip under the sea how cool is that I like it I like it fucking awesome so now you know it's under the sea listeners and Peter another fact to add is this this animal as Patrick said the the female can weigh 40,000 times more than the male and the male typically about the size of a walnut So imagine that female. This animal also sports a bizarre blanket-like appendage that it wears basically like a cape as it swims in the ocean. It sounds fashionable. Sounds fashionable.

Yes. Patrick, what is the name of our bizarre creature? It's truthfully, I'd never heard of it until producer Will made the show doc and we researched it. It's called the blanket octopus. A very rare, very interesting cephalopod. only ever filmed a handful of times, typically found in Australian waters. They're also called octopods in some areas, which reference the long, transparent webs that connect to the dorsal. They're really interesting animals.

They are, I dare say, they are stranger than fiction and a creature that I think most people don't realize exists. Yeah. And, you know, I think if you landed here, say in the pod, which touched down today, the SpaceX, pod. Nice. And this was the first thing you saw. I think you'd think you're on an alien planet. I do too.

I just think I'd leave these adorable little one inch long males having to mate with a six foot tall long female. That's one of the weirdest things in nature without a doubt. That makes no sense. No pleasure can be found in that. None. Or a huge amount of pleasure, maybe. The female's getting no pleasure.

It's like for who. It's like Retepp's girlfriend. It's, it's, it's just trying to get it over with. Huh? What'd you say? God fucking damn it, Pat.

This is such bullshit. My girlfriend enjoys everything I have to offer. I'm sure. Including your tonight. So does Doris de Luca. Quite a, you're quite a virile ape of a man. There's no doubt about that.

No. All right. So you've just described. So it's 10,000 times the size of the male. The female is. It's a fucking. octopus also so it's very smart right these are intelligent creatures yep typically yeah if they're using another animal's weapon as a spear they're fucking brilliant always back to the octopus i love the octopus

i think that's what really brought us three together in the beginning was our affection for octoply so that is the the blanket octopus that is the bizarre animal of the week yes so for all you parents who are whether you're mad about it or not, the reality is you're going to be mostly homeschooling your kids next year. Have them tune into this podcast. Wait, wait, hold on. We have, somebody's coming in.

Oh, hey, it's world famous comedian and Pat and I's friend Pete Givine. How you doing there, buddy? What's up, Pete? It's good to be here. Yeah, we're happy to have you. I had no idea. Obviously, Pat didn't,

that somebody was going to be popping in for a surprise visit. it Forrest didn't know either. You had no idea, huh, Peter? No clue. Pete, what's going on? What's on your mind today? So the reason why I wanted to pop in like this and excuse me for it.

It's really bad form just to do this. I just wanted to pop in and just, you know, give my two cents on how terrible of a communicator Patrick DeLuca is. Yeah. You know, it's funny you joined us today. I'm sure Peter has been scheming this for quite some time. Not complete surprise. He was livid. He was.

livid when this podcast started because Patrick hadn't got back to him the week. Is this, is a feeling that you share as well about it is. It's, um, it's something to where you start questioning your own value as a person because you're thinking like, well, if he can't just, because it literally takes, it takes a thumb and just, and, and, and, and consciousness. Not even, and you can just, you know, just, just a, just a, just a, just a, I would, I would take single letters at this point. Right. You know what I mean? Just, Normally that pisses me off, but from him it'd be a fucking real. From him, I would welcome just a single emoji.

A single letter would be, would at least let me know that I'm seen. You know what I mean? Yeah. So we do, Pete. We feel your pain. This is, Patrick, you realize you were walking into an intervention today? Yeah. I did because I knew how angry Peter and actually Forrest even was a little angry this week at me.

So I knew I was going to get the business. What about the listeners? mate. The listeners are the most angry. Never missed a Monday. I'm going to stop fucking staving off the brunt. I'm going to start just putting the podcast out on Wednesday and blaming it on you and putting out your fucking home address. How's that? Just hang on.

Real quick, because let's get to something that listeners will care about. Let's give them some value in their lives besides just ripping on me. So Pete is a comedian. He hosted for many years a, uh, well, how would you describe Beecher's Madhouse? It's a freak show, essentially. Is that correct, Pete? We would always say it has the atmosphere of a circus with the energy of a nightclub. So it was basically freaks, freaks and little people and all sorts of crazy acts.

And I was sort of the ringmaster, if you will. All right, real quick, Pete, before we let you go, thank you for all the beautiful words. What's the weirdest? And this is not a PC podcast. Okay. Obviously, Beecher's Madhouse, I think in 2020 would probably be, someone would probably throw a Molotov cocktail in and burn it down. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw

between the Vegas show and the L.A. show? What was the weirdest act? I would say one of the craziest things that I was actually a part of was we had a sword swallower and this guy would balance a running lawnmower on his

chin and the lawnmower blade would be spinning and he would have this thing where he would pack a bunch of little pieces of confetti and I would throw them up into the lawnmower and it would just explode and, you know, it would just be a visual of, you know, seeing this stuff, you know, sort of, you know, just, it was really just to show that this was a working lawnmower and it was dangerous. So there was one time where he was like, listen, dude,

he goes, if you miss, you know, when you throw the confetti ball up there, if you miss, like, don't rebound your shot because your instinct is to go and put your hands up there to kind of like get it. And I found myself, I almost did that. And like I literally, it was in slow motion. I put my hand up. This guy's eyes were just like almost popped out of his head. And I brought my hand down. Now in the very same show, when he was done with the lawnmower act,

he would do his sword swallowing thing. And he told me before the act started that he was going to let me pull the sword out. Okay. Now this is something that I was like, okay, you know, what do I do? And he goes, listen, he goes, you just hold the handle and I'm going to back out, you know, because if you do anything, you can kill me. You know, if I, if I sort of jiggle the sword, I can kill him. So, so after I almost rebounded my shot, I had to hold the sword and this guy's backing out.

And I'm like, at this point, I'm shaking like this, because I already almost messed up the lawnmower act by cutting my fingers off. And then he safely backed out. And I told him after that when I was like, dude, I'm never doing this with you on stage again. So that would be, I, that's kind of like some of the craziest ones. but also the thing is the nuttyest stuff that I saw we'd have a celebrity pack crowd all the time and I think the craziest thing that I saw

was audience-wise was a pregnant Britney Spears sitting next to Kevin Federline and she was showing she was about to pop and he's just whacking Sigs man just just completely just right next to her and the new baby so that was fun

but anyway Pat you're terrible like communicating and I want to thank you guys for let me stop by. Pete, thanks so much for popping in, dropping in, crashing this party. Pat, you are fucking terrible. Love you, Pete. You are a terrible communicator. Later, dudes.

See ya. Later, guys. Oh, I'm staying on. Yeah. Actually, that was our way of saying you're off the podcast. Good night. Enough silliness. Forrest, let's get to it.

I know you're pretty excited about some stuff that's happened this week. Let's get to our segment. what's in the news. Yeah. So this week, there's some good stuff in the news. Telequa, an Orca mom who carried her dead calf on her back for a thousand miles over 17 days last year. People were tuning in. It was actually pretty terrible because her calf died.

Yeah, it was a big deal. But Telekwa is pregnant again. And this is a huge deal for those of us who are fans of wholesome content. The Orca mom became famous, you know, when she was. publicly mourning the death of her cough, carrying it around. Yeah. And people, people were going nuts, man. They were like people threatening.

They didn't even know who they were threatening because it wasn't anybody's fault. There were people like breaking down and crying. They were like fundraising campaigns. There was all this stuff going on. Yeah. And of course, she lost her cough after 17 days of carrying it around dead. People were mourning the death of it. It was really quite sad.

Yeah. And it's wonderful to see that she finally has a chance to be a mother again, what we believe would be her, you know, assuming this baby, survives her firstborn that makes it. And people think she's going to be a great mom because she was willing to carry her dead baby for a thousand miles. So it's a good, it's a big win for Telequa. Everybody's pretty excited.

This makes me feel good because, I mean, you know that she legitimately, legitimately is stoked. I mean, whales are or workers, I should say, orkers are very, like, I mean, they're very intelligent animals, right? This, and emotional. and emotional. They mourn their dead, clearly. And now she, I mean, this is like a fucking television drama. She's pregnant again. Let's just hope that this one isn't a stillborn. Jeez. Yep. Correct. And I think it's great. You know, I think it's awesome that she has another chance to be a mom. And it's pretty exciting. What was her name again? Telequa? Who named her Telequa? I mean, is that? Her mom and dad, obviously. You idiot. You fucking idiot.

So I got another, I got another one, though. Please tell me you're going to talk about the male cicadas. Please. I am. I am. I am. I know how much you like cicadas, Patrick. Did you encounter any on your cross-country trip?

No. No, we had talked about the fucking cicada apocalypse that was coming across some of those states. But no, we didn't crash our car because of a cicada swarm. Well, interestingly enough, the University of West Virginia have observed a fungus called Massopora, which infects male cicadas. It colonizes their abdomens and eventually takes over their brains. And basically what this does is this fungus turns male cicadas into zombie sex slaves.

They force the male cicadas to do the female cicada mating dance and lure healthy males to mate with it. And then as the males attempt to mate with it, it infects those males as well. And the cycle continues. Wait a minute. If you didn't think cicadas, yeah, go for it. Hold on. Thanks, buddy. So wait.

My buddy just delivered me a fresh Red Bull vodka. Dude, he's got, he's literally got, he's always got people. Everywhere he goes. Yeah, delivering him drinks mid-podcast. Maybe I'm infecting them with a fungus, turning them into a drink and sex slave. I bet you return his calls. But so it turns male cicadas into essentially mimic female cicada movements. Correct.

So that it will attract other males. And then just infect them. Does it also have gay sex with them? Does it force the male to? It turns male cicadas into zombie gay sex lives. Like how is that? What do you get, bro? I'm just saying what is it?

So this is essentially like a terrible form of acid or like deterra. Like this has got to be like some hallucinogen. Imagine like in Batman where the scarecrow would like spray that mist. And then they would just start freaking out. Like what do you like? So to then do then do the. they just die, you think? Like, are they just done with life after that? That's the whole purpose? Or do they keep... So, so the purpose would be for the fungus to reproduce, right? So the fungus,

and this is actually, this specific one isn't common, but it's actually relatively common in the insect world where a fungus can actually take over the animal and change its behavior in order to continue its life cycle. Because the fungus is a living thing. Right. So this fungus is affecting the brain chemistry of the male cicadas so that they do this bidding. They do this female dents, which obviously attracts more males. And so the life cycle continues. But just imagine like, like you just said, Peter, right? The three of us are hanging out in a bar. Like, you see this just gorgeous chick, just shaking it on the dance floor.

Right? You start moving and grooving, you know? Start clicking your fingers and make your move. Start cruising over there. Turns around, it's fucking the ugliest dude you've ever seen. He rubs up on you and you're still so entranced by his moves. He gets a little shake on you. Now you've got it too.

And you're like, oh, all right. It's time to boogie. And that's, that's it. That's the whole cycle. Now you're pulling dudes left and right. You're spreading the virus. You know, it's, uh, it's so funny in the context of humans. It's just fucking at a nightclub.

Yeah. And then that one just, the first one just drops dead. And then you're, yeah, you're that one now. Nobody's. And now you're that guy. You're just, you're moving and grooving. You're shaking your booty, you know, just seeing what other guys are going to come over and say, what's up.

God, it is a serious issue. I'm sorry we're making light of it. These fucking cicadas. In the words of Will the producer, yuck. Well, you know, I've heard about a few of these different types of like fungi, fungi or fungus or whatever the fuck they're called. Fungi. Fungi. And is the fungus intelligent?

Does it know what it's doing? Like where it's like, look, we're ravaging this cicada. But it's going to die. And then we're fucked. How do we get into another male cicada? I don't know. Make a mac like a chick and someone will come back. Fuck us?

Seriously. How does that... Is it intelligent? It's crazy. So, okay, you're opening up, Patrick, you know how you're like into aliens as far as like conspiracy theories? Very much so. Very much so.

Peter, you're into pretty much everything weird that exists. Correct. My conspiracy theories, um, are very niche and they're basically surrounded around the intelligence of plants and more importantly the mycelium of fungus and mushroom. Okay. And so, let's dig into it. I could, I could take a real deep dive into it. Let's get into it a bit.

Let's dig into it. Fuck yeah. So, okay, so here we go. Mushrooms are, there's only a handful of species, and there's a lot of species, but there's a handful of species that are colonized all over the world, right? The reason being their spores are able to travel through the vacuum of space. So when a mushroom fruits, what you're seeing, when a mushroom grows out of the dirt, what you're seeing is the fruit, like the apple, right? That apple drops seeds, that mushroom drops spores. That can go up into the atmosphere, travel anywhere around the globe, land, and if the conditions are right, it can grow more mushrooms. That's why you have the same Porcini that occur in Japan, as they do in Southern Africa, as they do in California, et cetera.

They're able to travel through the atmosphere, right? Now, take into that, people are going to think I'm really crazy. No, this is legit, man. There's real academics who backed this theory. I know where you're going. Oh, you do. Okay. So take into account the fact that when you're seeing that mushroom fruit, that's the fruit, right?

That's the apple. Right. The tree of that fruit occurs underground through something called mycelium, which are these crazy roots, if you will. It's like a tree. Now, they're very, very small. They're very, very thin. And what we've observed is that mushrooms grow in patches, right? And these patches are synonymous with species of trees and plants, etc.

But they're all connected. So if you see one mushroom popping, you get a patch, right? If you're a mushroom picker, you go out and you go, oh, there's a patch of mushrooms. I'm going to pick that one, and I know there's going to be 10 more around here. Now, that patch is all fruiting from the tree. That tree, the mycelium, is connected to all of the other trees that are all basically touching underground. Now, back up from mushrooms for a second. If you start cutting down a grove of eucalyptus trees, right, and you start cutting it, let's say, left to right,

the first one you cut down, the wood is great, the quality of it's great. By the time you get to the end of the row, the end of the right, the trees are putting off toxins that make the wood degrading. they make the leaves less edible, etc. All because of their roots touching. Now, I think that here's my weird conspiracy theory that I believe. I believe that roots are basically a brain system for the planet. Mycelium are the neurons that help travel between the brain system, right? It's what fires along the brain system.

And there is theories. There's a lot of science that kind of supports this, and there's a lot to still be discovered. but I basically see plants and mushrooms as the brains and the synapses that fire that communicate all throughout wild patches. Now, obviously, you have cities where they're all, you know, blocked off and degradation of habitat, etc. But in wild habitats, I think everything is basically communicating through mushroom scores. Wow, that's crazy. I mean, it sounds legit from an outside, not an objective point of view, which would be mine, the layman.

So I recently did an episode of this new National Geographic series actually about this. And it's crazy. I mean, the thing you talked about with the eucalyptus, there are certain trees in Africa where the giraffes will come and just decimate the leaves, right? They'll eat all the leaves. And so you'll have some giraffes come in. They'll start eating the leaves. And trees a mile away will start producing toxins that make the leaves taste like shit.

Because they're communicating. Exactly. but only in the presence of this particular type of fungus when it's on the roots. And trees that don't have this fungus on the roots, they don't communicate. It's fucking crazy. That's weird. You just articulated it better than I did. But that's the exact point I'm trying to make, that the roots are acting like a brain system. And the fungus that's on the roots, the mycelium of the mushrooms, are acting like the neurons that help the thoughts travel.

Right. And I, yeah. And that's the theory. I mean, I'm not the only one that thinks it. It's really fascinating. I think we don't understand it, but what I think we will find out, you know, in a long time from now, is that everything is connected, right? Like, if you chop down one tree, that makes a difference in the world. And I think we don't realize that right now, right?

You run over a squirrel on the road, you chop down a tree for firewood, and you're like, yeah, no big deal. It's one less tree. It's one less squirrel. But I think what we will come to understand several generations from now is that every single living being is connected somehow, and it all makes a difference. pretty appealing too, right? It's kind of an appealing way to look at the world. I think so. It makes us want to save more of it. Yeah, so there's a group, we worked with this group of scientists at Tulane that, without getting two in the weeds, you know, the Cyprus have been decimated around Louisiana, right, around New Orleans. Not only from, obviously, we logged a shit ton

of Cyprus in the late 1800s, early 1900s, but fucking Nutriar rats destroy them. That's what led to the extinction of the ivory-billed woodpecker. That's right. We did an episode about that. Yeah. But Cyprus are just disappearing cypress are this super strong tree so like you can hit you know a hurricane can come through it'll blow every tree down except cypress because the roots are all interconnected and one thing that this group is doing to try and regenerate um the cypress swamp to basically protect new orleans and and some of those areas from hurricanes is they're actually injecting this fungi into the root cells um they're trying to basically create this network that will allow the cypress to share nutrients because what they've found with Cyprus

that do have this fungi is they'll have what's called a mother tree, so like a big tall tree, what's getting tons of sun and tons of rain will send nutrients hundreds of yards to other trees that are like shitting the bed. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool. Isn't that amazing?

We're talking about like these vast underground networks of interconnected, essentially brains that run through the entire earth connected by you know, roots and and neurons, which would be fungus or whatever it is. But I mean, that's not, I mean, that's, why is that any different than human beings who

must work together to essentially do what we do on the planet? I mean, we work, when, when humans come together, we, I mean, look at cities. Look at what we do. Like, you could never build a city by yourself. Like, humans have to work together in the same way. We might think that it's more like, you know, complex or whatever because we're speaking with voice and we're communicating in all these complex ways. But I mean, we don't, we don't know how they're communicating. You know what I'm saying? So it's totally feasible to me that that's what's

going on there. No, and I think, I think, you know, what you're saying is accurate. You're an individual. I'm an individual. But as a species and as a race, we all require each other to advance. And I think the same thing is true for plants, even though we don't give them credit, right? We don't think of a plant as an intelligent being. And to go back to tie this all into our zombie gay sex. slave cicadas. What a good one. Great story. You know, yeah, so to tie it back in, the original question that led us down this rabbit hole was, is this fungus thinking? You know, is it attacking this thing on purpose? And kind of, right, is the answer in my opinion? If you take that theory that we just discussed into account, it's all connected, right? And what I mean by that is the fungus

knows to attack the brain, the fungus knows how to attack the brain to make this bug dance like a female. Right. And I think that there's more intelligence. there than we give it credit for. We think of a fungus as the super simple, single-celled organism, or they're not single-celled, but the super-simple organism that has no brain. And I think there's an intelligence that we don't understand

and we kind of comprehend. You know what this is making me feel is in that moment in men in black where you realize, spoiler alert, if you've never seen it, where Orion's belt is that there's an entire galaxy in the fucking marble thing

on the cat's necklace. Like, that's Like, you know, you could just keep going. It's fucking wild, man. We don't know what shit. Speaking of cats, this was something that came across my desk this week that I wanted to get into quickly. Nice. Good use of desk. Yeah. Well, you guys have heard of the black plague, right?

The black death. Certainly. Happened in Europe. Decimated. Decimated much of Europe. 25% of the population. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, a quarter of, take everyone you know, every friend, every family member, a quarter of them. a quarter of them died from this horrible plague that was spread by fleas that were on rats. Yep. Mm-hmm. The bubonic plague. Not good. Yeah.

1,300. Terrible. You don't want it. There's a reason why all of these rats were running rampant. Because just prior to the black plague, and like I said, this just came across my desk. I did not know this. Was because the Pope, Pope Gregory the 4th had just prior to. this issued a decree that cats were a satanic animal.

Really? And they needed to be, that Europe needed to be ridded of domestic cats. Dude. So people started killing cats. Look, I'm a cat owner. Yeah. I like cats. They're not satanic.

Nope. They're, they're, most, my cat loves Jesus. So they got, so look, basically the Pope was like, creeped out by cats. He made a blanket rule that they were the devil's creature. people started killing cats and there was a huge like a 90% drop in the cat population in Europe. So now rat populations explode and then this rat born illness comes and there's millions of rats and no cats. And we think mushrooms are stupid. So kind of goes to that interconnected thing you were talking about for us.

You kill one cat and 25% of Europe dies. I always thought that the reason the bubonic plague broke out was because, you know, there was such a industrialization at the time and that people were crowded and that that that led to the spawning of tons of rats which created the plague right I didn't realize that to add kind of insult to injury the pope of I guess Britannica at the time said cats are evil and that that led to the increase of the rats I think that's really fascinating I had no idea that cats played a role yeah I mean I'm sure it's a confluence of of all those factors but as we've talked about before on this podcast Cats are fucking killing machines, dude.

Like, you get a bunch of domestic cats in the streets. Oh my God, they will kill hundreds of rats a day. They kill billions of fucking birds a year. And that's like just in one country. Where do you think we would be? So keeping in mind, again, going back to everything's connected, right? If a quarter of the European population had not been eliminated during the 1300s by bubonic plague, where do you think humanity would be today?

Probably much worse off. I was going to say, yeah, we probably would be worse off. Listen, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, one's a planet, the universe, whatever you want to call it. One, one's a universe, so they're very good. Shut your fucking mouth. Nobody's talking to you. I'm talking to the listeners. So angry. Listen.

Yeah. It knows what it's doing. It is alive. Like we just discussed, it has a brain. And when it wants to kill humans, it hires a fucking Pope to do it. You know what time it is? It's not for the fucking battle royale. bitches. Let's do it. Pat, you've been talking about this. You emailed us prior to me trying to

contact you all week. What's the fucking Battle Royale this week? Let's have it. Well, I think this is a great one. I mean, you know, look, this is right up for us, Sally. He's going to think he has an advantage, but I don't think he does. All right. So, here's a battle royal. So I want listeners when they comment this week, they're going to comment not on like who was the funniest. They're to comment on which of these three we're going to plan our ultimate barbecue okay okay okay what you're going to comment on is not like hey

Peters was funny forest is better at survival really think about it and say which barbecue you would want to attend so what we're going to do is a snake draft we each have to pick three food items and a beverage but here's the catch these all have to be items

that you are capable of harvesting by yourself with no help for your guests. Capable. What do you, wait, what do you mean? Like capable? Well, look, as if Forest is probably

right now, you know, he's going to free dive down to 80 feet and kill a barramundi to make some saviche. You and I can't do that. All right. So how are we going to be capable of, well, we're going to think about what you're capable of harvesting, Retep? Deuterra. Weeds.

No one knows what deterra. You keep talking about deterra. Well, look it up. It makes you hallucinate. All right. Fuck you. But that said. Retap, why don't you start with the first thing?

Snake draft, Retap, your first. So what's going to be your first thing? I'm going to go, okay, snake draft me. I can definitely do this. I will be gathering. I'll have a basket. It'll be a nice basket, nice size basket. I don't know how many guests are attending,

but I'll just overpick these. And it fits right into what we were talking about before. I will pick all of the mushrooms. So there will be no mushrooms left. Nobody else can use mushrooms. in this draft, I will pick every mushroom. If you can name one species of wild mushroom that you'd forage. Morale.

Morale. What does a morale look like? It's fucking there, man. Where, okay, where are you going to get these from? Where? Listen, the way I see foraging for mushrooms is this. You did it when you were asleep. I got a 50% chance of surviving with the mushroom that I pick, okay?

Those are good odds. And also, I'll test the mushrooms. either your guests are going to have some delicious morels. They're going to hallucinate or they're going to die after the amuse bush. I'll be that. I will be eating the mushrooms myself first. Copy that. All right.

So he's going to get some. No mushrooms are now out of the picture. Nobody can pick mushrooms none. Zero. Then I'm going to say animals and nobody can pick animals. Yeah. That's not how this works. Exactly.

All right. So Forrest, where would he go to get some males? All right. Fine. Morales. Morales will be in my mushrooms. Okay. So you, seeing as you have to make this a large meal, you need burn morels, which the only way to get large quantities of morel mushrooms is to hit it at a certain elevation, 10 days after the rain, a year after a burn has happened.

And burn morels happen at about 6,000 foot elevation. High sierras are good, good air, or actually low sierras are a good area here. You know, I know you know all this, Peter. No, it's good. It's good. You're telling me, because I was going to go diving in the ocean to find the morel mushrooms, not 6,000 feet into the air. Right, right. No, I, you know, I knew

this is what you were going to do. Good first course, but, uh, yeah. All right. Delicious. Delicious. You're next. What is your first of your four items, one drink and three foods that you'll be harvesting for a couple guests? Because most people are going to pick me or Peters. Clearly. Yeah, clearly.

Um, so are mushrooms out now? No, you can do it different. No, you can pick mushrooms. Okay. Just not a rowral mushroom. All right. So Morales are out. That's fine. So I'm going to break. it down. For everybody that listen to this podcast already knows, I love

foraging. I love collecting my own wild edibles, proteins, fungus, everything else. So I'm going to start with the king of all mushrooms, the king belit, the porcini. Now the porcini, yeah, some people may have seen this on my social media. They get enormous, like six pounds per mushroom

sometimes, absolutely huge. And the reason I'm picking that, we're going to circle back to it, is because it's one of the few mushrooms that is absolutely delicious raw. And so for my appetizer, you're going to have shaved raw porcini. That sounds delicious. That's on menus worldwide.

That's why I wanted to, by the way, Pat, thanks for, you know, mushrooms should have been off the menu. This is bullshit. Well, now they're off. Two mushrooms. Well, we know he's a fucking mushroom hunter. That's what he does in his spare time. You picked a more rare mushroom, and I think people will be intrigued by that and pick you. But fine.

Look, when I think barbecue, I think meat. Okay. So what I'm going to do is... You're always thinking about meat. I am going to start with a little amuse-bush that is going to be a... What is that? It means like amuse the mouth. I watch Top Chef.

So a little snack, a little quick snack. What you're going to have is a sashimi of squid. Now, I have hand-lined for squid. I didn't catch a lot. I caught one. but I'll spend more time doing it. But you could all share that one squid with that. I have handlined for squid.

It's not very difficult. You shine a big light into the water. I noticed when I was in Vietnam and Thailand that they use green lights for some reason. So you go at night, you blast a big, powerful light into the water. You drop a handline down. I'll have to quickly Google what's on the end of the handline. I don't remember.

It's a jig. A jig. So fun fact, fun fact. Those squid that they're catching, Those squid are not, when you fish, you fish with bait, right? So the animal comes to eat it. When you're fishing for squid, you're using a squid decoy that has like 12 reverse spikes on it. And it's coming to mate with that decoy.

That's why it's coming to the light and then it gets jabbed and pulled out. That's a dirty trick. But I'm happy to take advantage of it so that you can have some squid when you come to my barbecue. The second food item that I'm going to come back with is I'm going to serve you a real, nice portion of barbecued pork ribs that I will be procuring

I'm going to have this is going to be expensive for me to throw this barbecue because I'm going to have to go to to Vietnam to get my squid you're going to catch a squid you're going to catch a squid and now a fucking wild hog

oh yeah and I'm going to tell you exactly I'm going to do it I'm going to go to sure I'm going to go to Kauai because when I was in Kauai and I rented a house there were fucking wild boar all over the street they were eating trash

You couldn't even fucking bow hunt a beaver that I will use. I have, let him finish. I have a 357 magnum revolver, which I will be using to harvest. He has it. To harvest my wild boar and won't it be delicious when I give you some pork ribs at my barbecue? Pigs are now off the table. That's a good.

That's a good, that's a good, Paul. But first, let me ask you a question. With a 357 revolver on me. Magnum Revolver. How close would you have to get to the animal? You got to be within what, 10 feet to accurately aim a gun like that? Probably, probably 40 feet or less. Yeah, I'll lure them in with a bag of Doritos. They were eating trash. You might be meager, sir, but you are not quiet. You would never get within 40 feet of a wild hog, sir. All right, Forrest, you're up next. What are you going to add on to Porcini, shaved Porcini? Right. Well, Porcini were a selective picket.

for a reason because although the appetizer is shaved raw porcini delightful the main course is going to be surf and turf and here's why because I love my free diving and everybody loves lobster which I will go and procure by the way everything I'm naming we can get right here in California I don't have to go anywhere sure so I'm going to go out to the californ channel islands during lobster season of course dive down at night using my light and hand catch several limits of lobster limit being seven per person based on how many people are on the boat. And bring back all of these delicious lobster, which I will cook Baja style, split down the middle on my grill.

And you will have flame-grilled lobster. And beside that, will be steak porcini. Now, a porcini when cooked on, this is why I picked porcini for number one, because I have an appetizer. And now for your entree, a porcini when cooked on a grill, tastes very much like steak. It is the steakiest mushroom in the world. And so now you're going to have a lobster and porcini surface.

turf as your main course. Wow. That sounds, that sounds really good. What have got left? Me? Or is he got two? You're up, son.

It's you. You're up for two, by the way. This is an impossible battle royale. You're throwing, like you're giving this to Forrest. Not only does he know how to hunt. Not only has he actually made these meals, he's actually cooked them. So he knows the recipes and how to make them the most delicious. Dude, you started out strong with a rare mushroom.

Listen, it's fine. Yeah. Morel's, hey, a lot of people that pick Morels over Portchian guy. Like, you're, you're in, you're in full position. Relax. All right. So, you know, all of my, my next, is it two items for me? Yep, you get two. So you need two more food items and a drink. Listen, everybody. I might not be a hunter or a forager, but I can absolutely poach a cow. So what I will be doing is going up to either, you know, some, I just drive north on the high. way here in California up till I find a cow ranch I'll find a nice supple cow maybe a young veal if possible probably easier to take down or maybe even just cut a

slice out of while still living I don't like to kill things and I will I will I'm obviously so we'll have veal either veal or a nice tenderloin steak and then I pick one more correctly yeah correct it sounds so wait you hold on before you go into that other one you Peter Fitzer are going to drive up Highway 5 out of Los Angeles. In my Mazda 3.

In my brand new Mazda 3. You're going to identify an adorable, long eyelash, doughy-eyed cough from the freeway. You're going to hop the fence and you're going to bludgeon it to death? No, no, no. I said if I can leave it alive, I'll just cut a slice

out. I think I'll cut the tenderloin. I think it's by the nut sack. I'll grab a piece. It's not. Well, maybe I'll just cut a rump roast then because I know where that's at. Yes. All right.

So we'll get that. That'll get that going. And by the way, if it's a rump roast, I'm going to fucking put it in the instant pot and pressure cook that shit until it is fall off the bone, fat, delicious melts in your mouth meat. He's taking some of both. With my delicious moreals that will not just be an appetizer,

they will also be fucking sauteed and reduced in oil to perfection and put atop the rump roast. And that's a good meal. That sounds good. And then finally, we will also be harvesting from farmers and ranchers somewhere in California. We will be, we will be stealing more. Yeah, exactly. We will be picking either tomato, whatever we come across first, whatever vegetable, hopefully potatoes, but it could be tomatoes or zucchini, potatoes.

It'll be potatoes, bitch. So you're going to break into a farm and steal someone's potato. I might break into a farm? I mean, what are you talking about? there's no fence. So you're going to drive to Idaho, and you're going to get some potatoes. There's potatoes and there's potato.

Listen, first of all, how much time do we have? I can grow my own fucking potatoes. There's no potatoes at this barbecue. All right, Forrest, he's got steak and potatoes. What are you going to serve? So we've had an appetizer. We've had an entree for my dessert, and then I'll circle back to my drink.

For dessert, fruiting at the same time as the porcini, I will pick delicious, as good as they get, wild California blackberries, which it's my favorite berry in the world, first of all. I will have berries and whipped cream as my preferred dessert. Objection. Nobody cares that it's your favorite berry. It's only if the listener likes your berry. Also, there's no whipped cream because he didn't harvest the cream.

Well, I stole it from a feeder's deformed cow that he cut the butt. Take out of it. So wild blackberries is my dessert. sounds good and very nice of you to bring a dessert. So I'm going to round, go ahead. A little optimistic, little, um, uh, ambitious, even for you, Forrest. Okay, go ahead, Penn. When you come to a barbecue at my house, I'm going to take you on a tour of the world, a tour of the islands. So we're going to start with Vietnamese squid. Then you're going to have some Hawaiian street pig. Then I'm going to give you a taste of, I'm going to take a page out

Peter's book. I'm going to also drive up the Five North into an area near Bakersfield where there are many, many beekeepers. And you can see the bee houses. And I'm going to harvest some honey. From that honey, I will make a delicious alcohol called mead. I'm sure you will. Mead, it's easy. It's easy to do. I know a guy in Bend, Oregon, who makes his own mead. It's fantastic. Walk us through it. How do you make it? I'm going to Google it. We didn't say you couldn't Google it. But once I harvest the honey, I will make mead so that when you're at my barbecue, you get shitface and you're welcome to spend the night. And then...

Oh, that is a tough one to be. Yeah. And then... It's all right, though. I mean, there's a lot of listeners that are probably allergic to bees. So you're going to kill many, many people with the mead that you'll obvious, you're definitely going to fuck the meat up in the time. You realize that people that are allergic to bees can still eat honey, right, Peter? Well, again, I was explaining before I was interrupted for.

forest. Patrick doesn't know how to make mead, so they'll clearly be bee pollen in it, probably be parts. Pollin in it? There'll be pollen in it. And then it gets a little bit later. You're buzzed. You're having such a good time. The DJ is playing your favorite song. And you go, you know, I could go for a sweet bite after all that delicious, all those ribs. So you will then be treated to a peach-based dessert because I'm going to go to Georgia and I'm going to break into a peach farm

and I'm going to pick several baskets full of delicious peaches and if I'm allowed to use other ingredients I'll make a peach cobbler if not then you'll just eat a peach Let's just be clear this battle royale is not about farging It's about steel

Listen here's what I'm going to say I'm going to break into Maestro steakhouse And pull from there a nine-course meal Listen, okay I'm the one that's star the trend. That was new when I said

what I was going to do. Pat clearly had just nothing garbage trashed. The squid I'll give you. But the rest of it, had I not been here, you would have still

been struggling with an answer. You literally stole exactly, essentially you just changed out my items and have the same process for foraging. Some call it stealing. But the point is that when I said it, it was new.

When you said it, it was old. You started with mushrooms and stealing stuff, and we both ripped off your ideas, Peter. All right, Forrest. What is going to be, you've set up your app, your main, your lovely dessert, what's going to be your drink? Man, you really hit me with a curveball when you said meed. Not that I was thinking that. It's fucking genius.

I wish I had thought of it. I got to get people drunk. No, it's good. It's good. He hit me with a curveball because booze is just so appealing at a barbecue, and I was going to serve, and I'm going to stick with it. and stick to my guns. My favorite wild drink, which is just a nice crisp coconut that you can open up. Drink fresh right out of the coconut.

Have a little flesh out of it. Delightful. Yeah. Refreshing. But it's no booze. I don't know if I got this one in the bag. I guess on your, on your Evite, you could say like bring your own rum, right? Then people would do.

Dude. Yeah, that would help. That redeems you a little bit, Pat, because you are a thief, sir. Okay. Peter, close it down. What's going to be your drink? I'm assuming milk from the deformed. cow that you've killed?

No, I hadn't even thought about it. I'll probably just have some nice, I can forage forage water out of a river. We'll have water. River water. Some LA, downtown L.A. River water.

I mean, okay, no, I change. Change it. There's a lot of citrus out here. So there's lemon trees everywhere, everywhere. And orange trees. You know what happens when there's a lemon tree and an orange tree in your general vicinity.

Sprite is, Sprite is lemon and lime. Sprite is lemon and lime. There isn't any sugar cane, a roundmate. There is only lemons and oranges. And I will be making a refreshing lemon and orange juice.

Yum. And bring your own booth everybody. Okay. So everybody go ahead and recap. All right. So to recap, the battle royale is join us on what started as a wild farge, wild farge barbecue and turned into who can rob the most shit barbecue. You could go to Retep's barbecue, which will have Morrell mushrooms.

Yum. A calf rump that has not been murdered, just his ass cut out. Pressure cooked to perfection. Pressure cooked. Yeah, which is delightful, by the way. Pressure cooked with some morale mushrooms. A potato, singular. He's stolen from a farmer.

And the nice drink of not river water. But orange juice, I believe. Orange lemon, orange and lemon aid juice. Fair lemon aid juice. Lemon orange juice. You could go to Patrick's barbecue, which also sounds pretty great. It's a culinary trip around the world, which starts with squid in Vietnam. It's well-rounded out by pork ribs from Hawaii.

Road pig. I think he called it Road Pig. I think you called it Road Pig. and Patrick, what was your third food item? He can't even remember. Peaches. Come on. Peach cobblum. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. For dessert, you get to have delightful peaches, fresh from Georgia, and to wash it all down, you get meed, a delightful alcohol made from honey.

This is the only barbecue that is cheaper than the others, ladies and gentlemen, because you do not have to be Y-O-B. You can show up and get shit-based based on the many bee stings that Patrick has. subjected himself to just for your enjoyment. But you might die. But you might die, according to Peter. Or you could join me for a refreshing coconut to drink. Some shaved porcini as an appetizer.

Some surf and turf California lobster and porcini on the grill. And delicious wild blackberries for dessert. So go on to iTunes. Let us know which barbecue you'd like to attend. Take into account the personalities of the three people here and who you'd most like to hang out with. There's nothing to do with it. There's nothing to do with it, but I will win that competition as well.

It's fine. And yeah, leave us a five-star review. We really appreciate it. And before we wrap up tonight, because we appreciate it so much, I was having an absolute time of my life reading a couple of our user reviews. So, guys, do you mind if I just go through a couple of them on air? I think there are a lot of fun. Yeah, go for it.

They'll love it. Can't wait. So E-19-mm-mm-M-M-M left a review that says, feast your ears on this cast. just like a quality meatloaf recipe this podcast has everything with a solid base of miscellaneous animals add a cup of random nonsense a bit of lard to flavor

not naming names and dashes of satire sprinkled throughout recipe best cooked at a fluctuating boiling depending on the banter taking place sit back crack a cold one and let your ears take in a scrumptious audio feast each Monday. Cheers fella

Cheers, mate. Thanks. Love you. Great. I love it. E19 MMM. Love that review. It's absolutely hilarious.

What else do we have? And it's on point. I mean, it's perfect. Yeah, the large part was nailed it. Fuck you. Your meal is terrible. Your hat's terrible. Your personality is terrible.

I'm talking about you. Fucking producer. Man, I miss you guys. Can't wait to see you again. Pat B fan 40. So Patrick, you clearly have a stalker. Nice.

If this is not you, congratulations, Pat B fan 40. This is definitely the most out there review. Title, doubt gorillas are real. Excellent podcast.

However, provides little to no evidence on the existence of gorillas. That's it. That's all they wrote. That's it. All right, Pat B fan 40. So he's been listening

to 17, 18 episodes waiting for proof for the existence of gorillas? Apparently. And he's right. We have never, done anything that is irrefutable to say that they exist.

Yeah. I mean, we can't We can't provide clear evidence that they do exist right at this second. Can we? No. It's right. There's no way. You got any other ones or is that it? Yeah, I got one more. The Brofessor's Alien from Mr. Eklund.

There we go. Yep, here you go, Peter, throwing you a bone here. I definitely enjoyed you guys being able to get into it more this week without worrying about time. He's referring to last one's podcast. Yep. I definitely got a broner thinking of Retef's mole rat grandma alien with the thick brain legs. He gets my vote for this week for sure.

Boom, bitches. That's right. Brofesser. So, brofessor, we know you've had a tough day. You took it out on Pat, literally the entire podcast. You even called your friend to rail on him. You know, now you've got a win from the listeners. People appreciate you, Peter.

I want you to know that. And I hope you enjoy your dinner tonight with your lovely lady at Taco Bell. I'm sure she's going to get many a dollar item. Yeah. Make sure you take your Prioloseek in advance. Appreciate that. And to the listeners. Look, I listen to lots of podcasts.

And the vast majority of podcasts I listen to are you got to skip through a shitload of ads. You know what I mean? Like even like the football podcasts I listen to, there's like four breaks for ads. We don't do ads. We're not asking you to buy anything. Just do us a favor. If you've been enjoying it, just tell one friend about the podcast. It's been really fun seeing the comment.

seeing the numbers. They're growing every week, which is awesome. Just tell one person. Just take 30 seconds and tell a friend. Tell a family. Not even. Tell someone you hate. Take more time than Pat can take

to fucking respond to a text. Yeah, don't be me. Don't be like me. Be like Forrest and Peter. They're solid guys. Yes, correct. Good night. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Good night, everybody. Love you. Say good night again, Pat. Good night.