Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT #55 - Ancient Bear DNA, Animal Meat Lab VR Experience, Bros vs. Biggest Animal

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

There are no words for the ridiculousness that is this episode! Enjoy! We love you! https://thewildtimespodcast.com https://discord.com/invite/zzTxnrHnS8

What is up, Brozners? We are beyond stoked to be entering year or two of the Wild Times podcast. The show started during the pandemic as a way to hang with friends and just share some wild times. Now, after a year, we have hundreds of thousands of downloads, fans around the world, and an incredible amount of positive feedback. So we're going to listen to you. This year, we're going to give you more Wild Times. Starting in a couple weeks, we'll be launching a Patreon where you get an extra podcast every week. An extra podcast every week.

And exclusive nature content have a while. voice in the direction of the show and it's just a whole lot more shit that's going to come along with it so be on the lookout for that patreon link now on with the show we are back i am back from a shoot what is up brosners it is myself the broologist forest galante one of your three wonderful hosts of the wild times podcast episode 55 joining me tonight as always mr rhthre tep who i I thought was a small Indian man until I met him in person. The professor PhD'd in podcasts. What's up, Retep?

Hello, gentlemen. It's good to be back in the same virtual room. Forrest, you have been missed. Though I will say I did have a lot of fun with ventrilochist Will in the last podcast where his audio was all out of sync. I heard. Things will be better this time. Love you guys.

Happy to be back. Cheers, mates. And the person that I thoroughly missed on my. shoot. Someone I haven't been on a shoot with out in a long time. Mr. Papa P. Patrick DeLuca, the broducer. How are you, Patrick? Good, man. I saw some picks that you and Josh, the medic, sent from the shoot on Instagram. I was like, butt man, sitting here in my office doing post-production on a show. I'd way rather be out with you on a boat. Tell us anything you can so that you don't get sued by your network.

Smart. How was the trip? Where were you? What were you doing? It was great, dude. So it all kind of came together in the ninth minute, which was pretty cool. It was a shark week shoot. So Patrick, we'll have a couple of them coming out this year, which is kind of fun.

And so what we did is we grabbed, you know, we went down the Baja Peninsula, checking out all these different species of sharks. And then kind of almost on a whim grabbed 115 foot long. live aboard yacht, just our crew, jumped on it and headed 400 miles offshore to the Reviah Hiiros Islands. And then, yeah, hung out on these little island, not on actually, you kind of touch them, but around these little islands with mantras, dolphins, sharks, whales, huge tuna, Wahoo. I mean, it was just totally wild out there, just virgin territory. And it was beautiful, man. We had some fun, some fun shit. I don't know how much I can say. I almost

wanted to share that. You know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to share it. WT. I'm sending you a video. The guys, so to be clear, to all the brosners, if you're listening to this, the guys have not seen this yet. Okay? So we're going to do a little video review. You guys ready for this? Yeah. Oh, I'm ready, baby. I was born ready. It's all I do is watch videos. Might take a second. So you're not expecting this, that I'm sure of. So we'll circle back when this comes through to Will. Just so that we don't have any dead air. What kinds of sharks can you expect to see in Baja? I mean, I associate it with, you know, warm waters.

I know it's a great place to see whale sharks. What other, like, do you get dangerous sharks down there? You get tigers and bull sharks and stuff? Yeah, I had a tiger. The cameras weren't rolling, unfortunately. So I'm in the water. I'm working with a piece of bait, trying to get all the sharks up and around. And I look up, and I've drifted, like, 300 yards from the boat.

And I'm totally by myself. And I see Johnny's like dicking around on the back of the boat. And he's like, Forrest, swim back. Let's go shoot this thing. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you got it. And so I just, I like take the bait, put it by my side and start swimming back and just like start kicking hard along the surface. And I don't know what came over me, but halfway through that swim, I was like, I should look back. And I look back and there's just an open mouth of a tiger shark right behind my fins.

Now, it wasn't like cruising at me. It was just doing that tiger shark thing where it's like, I'm going to go investigate by nipping. And I was like, oh shit, like drop the bait and kicked it in the face and then like quickly swam back to the boat. Never saw the tiger shark again. It literally just came up to check me out. And then I panicked, it panicked and we both disappeared. It got the bait, though, because you dropped it. It did.

Yeah, it did. And that's a good lesson on what not to do. But anyway, yeah, so that, we had a bunch of cool species of sharks, some rare ones, some more dangerous ones like bull sharks and make and just, yeah, just good water. But here's something I'm guessing you guys aren't expecting. So we're going to do, if you're listening on iTunes, we've got a live video review right now. This is how good I am with technology.

I filmed this off of Mitch's laptop, so heads up on that. But Patrick and Retep, see what you think of this. Okay. Okay. So right now I see a dune buggy. A still frame of a dune buggy? Go ahead. Play it well.

Oh, shit. Are you okay? Josh, are you okay? Jesus crap. Sorry, guys. run it back one more time run it back one more time it's a pretty good flip you flipped it four seconds after you started

I hate you by the way literally you didn't even get 10 feet well in the video we'd been filming for a while but yeah in this clipped version of the video Um, yeah, though, um, this was, I'm gonna blame. Slow motion, dune buggy tip.

Donk. Love it. Yeah. Yeah. And of course, like a jackassic, man. Oh, it's a classic. And, you know, I'm too cool to wear seatbelt. So I fall into my producer's lap and, and, you know, yeah.

Look at your producer, man. He's so, he's so. The sound guy is like, He is not happy. And Mitchell's Red was in the co-pilot's lap there, and I landed on that and broke that. And yeah, nobody was happy with me for this move. So the sound guy is a guy we've worked with a lot who's currently literally wedged between the seats with his boompole up his ass after Forrest flipped this. John Randano is like a total hippies, a cool dude.

What was it? What did he do? Was he just like, whoa. Exactly. That's it, dude. He's like my favorite person because he, like all sound guys, he's a man of very few words. And the words he says are not profound in any way. So he'll flip a dune buggy and he'll be like, I'm good.

And that's it. Like, that's it. He's about seven feet tall. Yeah. He's huge. We were filming something in Cuba a couple years ago and there was like a problem. And like, like, a bunch of cars. had come and we were like going up to this like sacred site or whatever.

I'm like talking to the fixer who's like talking to these angry locals and the site was up on top of this hill and the guys like basically is like okay like they're saying like they're going to kill us if we go up there so like we shouldn't go. And I look back and I just see John Randano sitting on a horse just halfway up the hill just going up the hill with his boom pole. Dude, he's he's he's. He's super cool. I like that guy.

But yeah, no, we had fun, man. It's going to be a cool show. I don't know if that little dune buggy crash is going to make it because I look like a total dumb dumb. But that's why you brosners get to check it out. And we're going to be putting, you know, stuff like that on our new Patreon, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, maybe.

Retep, tell us, what is, for those feeble-minded like myself who don't subscribe to anything because they're too cheap, what is Patreon? Patreon is basically a place where you're going to be able to, go and get additional content from us. We're going to be doing more lives, more, and more content. It's a couple bucks a month, whatever, there'll be a couple tiers, and you can basically just pitch in and kind of be part of the show with us and, you know, help us fucking make, produce, and, and distribute great content. We're going to do some more fun stuff. Like Patrick had an idea for a little film review, right, Patrick?

Yeah, we're going to be doing like, you know, we'll review just like Instagram videos. We'll review episodes of Extincter Alive and get drunk and sort of pause and comment and do behind the scenes commentary. All sorts of shit, which we're going to, I think, film the first one of those in my backyard sometime in the next week or two. Patreon's not live yet, but it will be coming soon as soon as Retap gets it set up because he's the only one who knows how to do that. And it'll be fun. But I think most importantly, for people that like the show, you're going to get a bonus podcast every week, which is a lot of people have asked for. So that's fun. Forrest, I wanted to have you weigh in on something while you were gone that I saw.

And I would really want to save it. Got a white claw. Got the claw. All right. So it can be tricky when you find a carcass to sequence DNA, right? When you find some sort of fossil or something, it's very hard to pull usable DNA out of it, right? Yep. 100%. The older it is, the harder it is.

What if I told you that scientists who recovered from a cave in Mexico, basically a coprolite. Okay? So a coprolite is sort of fossilized poop, which is often found, and that's how we tell this animal is here. I've got some right here. So he's going to pull out a coprolite for people on YouTube. You can see what it looks like. Here's some right here. You don't have to do on you.

What animal is that, Forest? I don't remember. I got it in Madagascar. Remember Patrick when we got all those fossils in Madagascar? And I was like, oh, poop. I'll take that. Yeah. I have a dinosaur coprolite that's pretty cool.

But we also use them often to see where humans were, where ancient man traveled, what they ate, stuff like that. Scientists in Mexico have used a broken apart coprolite to do a full DNA sequencing of an extinct. species of bear that went extinct 16,000 years ago. What? That's crazy. Is it like E DNA?

Are they scraping up dirt? How are they doing it? It's literally that they, it wasn't even a fully intact coppillar. It was intermixed in the dirt. They scraped up the dirt, were able to retrieve enough of the shit to do a full DNA sequence of this bear. That's a, man. To think what you might be able to use that for, right, in the future?

Oh my God. E DNA for anybody listening to this podcast is a new thing. It's been around maybe 10 years now, and it seems to be getting, it's, it's advancing at like the rate of the iPhone. Remember an iPhone 10 years ago? Well, look at your iPhone now. I mean, that's what E DNA is doing. And E DNA stands for environmental DNA. We used it in Vietnam to get the first ever positive confirmation of a male raffidus in Dong Mo Lake, which was huge for the group we were with. But what it is is, you take something, from the environment, for my most familiarity is just with water, right? So in water, you have a huge body of water, but fish, turtles, whatever, they shed urine, they shed skin cells, and it just suspends in the water. So what you do is you take a sample of that water and you can take it and check it down into the parts per million and be like, hey, turns out this DNA happens to be in the water because it's shed its skin or it's peed or whatever. The fact that we're now able to do it,

you know, from extinct animal poop in dirt spread out in a cave? I mean, science is so fucking cool. Like, how cool is that? That's amazing. And not to mention, like, fast forward another 20 or 30 years, we're going to be able to take that and arguably recreate these creatures if we so want to, which is just nuts. Legit.

Yeah, like, scrow. A hundred years from now, they'll be like, I really want to bring back the Wild Times podcast, but they're all dead. They can go find some of them. our poop in a landfill somewhere and bring us back. Yep. Do you think they could bring us back, though, like tiny, tiny versions that they could keep like under glass?

We already have to do it in that way. Yeah. I imagine that it's... I've seen how many I shrunk the kids. I feel like it's a Futurama scenario where we're just three talking heads in a glass jar of water. And, you know, that's all we are on these screens anyway. So I think, you know, I think the listenership would be good.

I agree with you. Speaking of which, oh, sorry, go ahead. No, I just wanted to talk about that bear thing for another moment because it's just, I mean, that is an incredible, you know, genome sequencing thing. I mean, that's huge. Like, that's got to be groundbreaking in the sense of, you know, I don't know DNA like I do, you know, physical biology, but that's got to be groundbreaking science that they're doing that. Dude, it is. Like, here's an example. The oldest skeleton ever discovered of a human in all of North America was this Eve of Naha,

own, right? She was discovered in a flooded sonote that used to be dry. Even America, Lucy and Africa, right? Those are the two old ones? Well, Lucy was a hominid, but not a homo sapien. Ah, okay. Right? So this is the oldest human remains ever found in North America. It's 13,700 years old, a completely intact skeleton. They were able to tell a lot about how she got down there. Even from her fully intact skeleton, they still have not been able to do a full DNA sequence. Interesting. Because they want to figure out if Eve was part of the Lovis people that crossed down from Siberia, right? Gotcha.

Or whether she was part of another group. They can't do a DNA sequence yet from her bones. So to think that you could actually do it from the poop is incredible. It's amazing. So would this be a short-faced bear? Did it say what kind of bear they thought it was? There were more bear species back then, so I really don't know. Yeah, let me see if it was a short-faced bear.

Or cave bear? That was another species of bear that existed back then. I think there are others I've never even heard of, but... They're just referring to it as upper Paleolithic bears. So I don't know. I actually don't. Unfortunately, it's funny. A lot of times when you read these articles, they leave out shit that's super important.

The most interesting part of it. Legit. Okay, sorry. This was the short-faced bear. Gotcha. Okay. That's very cool. Yeah, well, that's cool.

I wish we could bring short-faced bears back. Yeah. I wish I paid more attention in school. Yeah, just think, Retep, if you'd paid more attention to your biology teacher in school, you'd be where Patrick and I are instead of where you are with a wall with two paintings. I have no problem with my wall with two paintings.

I am feeling great. I have a great life. I enjoy technology. You guys know nothing about technology. You can't use Discord. You don't even know what Patreon is. You know what bears are. And I thank you for that.

Bears beats. So there's a short-faced bear that Will just pulled up a taxidermade specimen. Look at that fucking thing, man. It's like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of bears. Legit. It's just like a muscle-bound Hulk with a really short, smushed face, like a pug dog. I love it. I want one.

When I was a kid, and by a kid, I mean, like, a 17-year-old. I was... So when I first... Not when I first moved to America. A few years after I moved to the States, I was 15, 16, 17, something like that. I had this idea, after watching a lot of old 90s movies, that I was going to go out and find a black bear cub in the hills of California and train it to be my guard bear. And it would live outside my room and mall anybody that wanted to come and get me. And I committed like a good three weeks of that year of my life to trying to track.

And I found plenty of bears, but I couldn't find it. Three years. No, no, three weeks. Sorry, did I say years? No, no, I was mistaken. No, yeah, I committed like three weeks of my life to trying to actually go and catch a bear cub to train as my guard bear, which is absolute lunacy. And if you're wondering why it wasn't popular in high school, you're hearing why right now. Yeah.

And just never, never lined it up, thank God. I was looking, sorry, are you still going on the bear thing or are you going to a new story? I was going to move on, dude. I was going to move on. So I was going to say I was looking through comments because sometimes we'll go on YouTube and look at videos that are really popular as yours and like check out what people are saying. It's a favorite pastime of me. Okay. And of mine?

What language are you speaking, sir? I'm sorry. The favorite pastime of me? How old are you? It's a favorite past time of mine to go onto YouTube and look at Forrest's really popular videos, check out the comments and see what the people are saying. about him and it was funny because somebody commented one of the comments I read today was somebody that knew you in in high school and it was a rogan clip and they were basically like yeah uh one time

he he got bitten by a lizard in the ear and he just came back with a lizard earing or some shit and he's like and he turned out basically how I would have expected him to turn out it's pretty funny hey will pull up the uh the video that Dakota Slack sent us. I think we really need to watch this. So Dakota Slack, thank you for your DM on Instagram, says anything is possible in Florida. True. Here's the headline.

Even jeans that are shorts. Yeah, exactly. Dinosaur spotted. Dinosaur spotted running through Florida woman's backyard. I don't know if I believe it's a dinosaur, but let's take a look at the clip. Let's see. I've seen it. And it is.

It's deaf, a dinosaur. We're looking at black and white, infrared security. It's a security. Yeah. Security footage. Mm-hmm. And then we're going to hit that play button. There it is.

Oh, shit. Go back. What? I saw it. What was that? Play it again. Well, this is a fucking dinosaur, dude. What is that?

I'm making it full screen. Hold on. This is hilarious. Play it again. There we go. And there is. What is that? It's a velocaraptor, dude.

Clearly. It looks like a velociraptor for those who are just listening. I feel like it's got to be some sort of bird. Is it a flaming? Could a flamingo run like that? That looks pretty. I have no idea what I'm looking at. It looks like it has a bucket on the website right now.

There's a clear tail. And then you can see feet, dude. I mean, this almost looks to be fate because it looks like a legit dinosaur. It's moving quick, too. Like some kind of, yeah. You're saying perhaps a bird, a lizard, or a dog dragging a leash? To me, it's clearly a very large bird. Do you think so?

Well, it looks bipedal. It doesn't look like it's on four legs. It looks like it's on two legs. Yeah, it almost looks like a smaller version of like, what's the bird in Australia? Cassowary? Yeah, it almost looks like a smaller cassowary. Let's get Neil Watkins on here to confirm, because I'm pretty sure this is a thylosephi. Is that Neil Waters' brother who's been remarried?

What did I say? Neil Watkins. Oh, this is my bad. Okay, I've got a theory. I'm watching it over and over and over on the website and not paying attention to you guys. I think that it's a dressed up dog. Have you ever seen those like dog in a T-Rex costume where it's got the tail and it's got the little arms that flop in the front? The only reason I know this is because I dress my dog up every Halloween and Christmas and Sunday.

I haven't seen those, yeah. Yeah, I think that's what it is. It's interesting. Yeah, there's a moment where you catch some eyeshine. I do see that, and I don't know what that is. It almost looks like a cone or a collar or so. I don't know what I'm looking at. Probably, probably the device that's attaching the costume to the dog's body.

That's kind of what it looks like, right? Like the color of it. I don't know. I see two legs clearly there. I do too, but that's why I'm saying. I think it's the costume. I have no idea. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm just guessing because it looks like the T-Rex costume that I have for my tiny dog. Right. The tail, if we look at the way the tail is like, it's like not moving as it's going, which would be strange because the costume kind of accentuates those features when it like moves, it bounces. So, I mean, that's pretty interesting. This is the most fun cryptic video that I've seen in a long time because every time I get sent this kind of a video. I'm like, God, what morons don't know that that's a blank?

Right? Like, every time you see one of those, it's like, oh, come on. Like, it's so clearly a bear, or it's so clearly a leopard, or whatever. I have no idea what I'm looking at here. I'm basing this off of my own anecdotal observation of my dog in a T-Rex costume. I have no idea what this is. But I will say this. I will say this.

If there's one meth-out state in America where dinosaurs would definitely come back, because some weirdo and Jorts is messing around with CRISPR, it's Florida, and that could be what we're seeing. Okay. I think that's what our official answer should be from the podcast team, crew. Well, it's funny you mentioned dinosaurs for us. On our last live podcast, I mentioned the theory that had been positive that T-Rex was a scavenger. And a couple of the Brosner's were very passionate pointing out, you know, other people have disproved that, you know. one legit scientist did come up with that theory.

Other people said we don't think so. And then news fresh hot off the press about the T-Rex. Scientists in the UK saying that the T-Rex hunted in packs. Hmm. Interesting. They were not sort of this king of the jungle that just kind of came through on their own solitary and did whatever they wanted. But they actually hunted in packs, which is fucking terrifying. It is terrifying unless our prior theory that we once discussed, which is that they move at the pace of a snail,

in which case it's still not very scary. True. But yeah, no, I haven't read this article. I'm pulling it up now. I'm curious what he's basing this on because it's not like we find big mass grave sites of T-R-R-Xs, right? We find one here, one there. That's what it's based on is it's actually a site in Utah

where they did an excavation and found essentially a mass grave of a group of dead T-Rex that they think all died around the same time. Oh, interesting. Wow. So that's sort of the basis of it. Exactly against what I just said.

But you're right up until this point, right? Right. Well, yeah, because my understanding was it's like one here and one there. And by the way, it's not like you find a pile of dead wolves. You know what I mean? Like when a wolf gets sick or dies, it starts... It's funny because Patrick's dog reflection, Lucas just came in, as I said, the word wolf.

in the background. Yeah. But when you, you know, when a, when a wolf gets sick, the pack tries to take care of it for a bit, and then it basically abandons it and you find a single dead wolf, right? And I kind of imagine that like the T-Rexes or any animal for that matter, like, okay, let's all lie down and die together. So even if it is a pack animal, you know, it's not like, they're not all dying together at the same time.

So I, yeah, I just kind of wonder what, you know, it's hard, it's hard to base that on, it's hard to base any behavior, I would say, on fossil remains. True. You got to get their poop. Is there any reptile that hunts and packs that you know of? Yeah, I mean, it's packs are like a weird word, but the short answer is yes. And the thing that first comes to mind for me is, did you guys see that incredible sequence from planet Earth, too, with the iguana and the racer snakes in the Galapagos? When you just see all the snakes mobbing together to try and get the single iguana as a,

it cruises through. And it's like, it's not really like uniform pack hunting so much as it is like a free for all with a high density of predatory animals. And I think, you know, same thing with this guy in Utah. Again, I haven't read this article, so I'm probably about to spout nonsense. But what's to say there wasn't a dead brontosaurus right there that, you know, nine T-Rexes were feeding on at the same time and then something happened, you know, a sinkhole or a meteorite or or whatever. And then you could be like, oh, they hunted in packs because here are nine of them feeding on a brontosaurus. Well, what's to say they weren't scavengers, like you said last week, and they were all sitting here feeding together, right? If three thousand, three million years from now,

scientists find a fossil site of a thousand dead vultures, right? They're going to be like, oh, all these predatory birds killed this elephant together. These vultures were super scary, but the truth is, like, there was an elephant poisoned with cyanide, and a thousand vultures all died in a circle because they were eating the dead animal, right? You know, so it's like it's really hard to base behavior on fossil remains, in my opinion, but I'm also not a paleontologist. I did see something pretty interesting. I was on a boat very removed from pretty much everything, but, you know, when I'm out there,

I come back and I usually have a gazillion Instagram messages, and I managed to check one of them from Rue ARI, which was a pretty good question, very scientific. scientific says question for you boys for the podcast what is the biggest animal the three of you could take in a fight The three of us at once, huh? Three of us collectively fighting another animal. Well, I think we'd get into a fight animal because I am not that useful in the water. You're not. That's true.

I don't think Retap is either. I think you would sink like a rock. I'm a fantastic swimmer, like a fish. Well, let me think of a very big. I would not want to fight in water, though, that said. That'd be a nightmare. Dude, I mean, that's the thing is every wild animal is so much tougher than anything domestic like we are. I think I know the answer to this, guys.

I think I know the answer to this. The three of us, at our best, would be able to take on an adult sloth. That's it. That's all we could do. And it's only because it would come down to poop on the ground and we would beat our chests like apes and hammer fist it. and we'd win barely because it couldn't escape in time. And that's it. Like, we're not very, look, look, nobody on this podcast is making it into the NFL on size alone,

all right? Like, we're not going to win a lot of fights here, guys. I'm going, you know, sloth. That's it. Okay. We take a lot of deep scratches from that sloth in the process. No doubt. Yeah, no doubt.

I imagine. I imagine Retep would actually be crying, but you and I, Patrick, would probably be okay, you know, sand scratch. I'm surprised. I'm surprised you guys aren't talking about our ability to use our three brains together to take down a big animal, perhaps by tripping it up with a rope and toppling it over like they did in Star Wars, which I constantly talk about on the podcast. What about a giant panda? Dude, pandas are gnarly. I don't think, I don't think you can beat a panda. By the way, I don't know if Will can find this. I saw the most hilarious video of a guy trading an apple for a baby. panda from its parents yesterday. I don't know where that came from.

Someone sent it to me. It was hysterical. So the guy hands them an apple and they just go here? Yeah, so there's like a panda in a zoo, and it's like cuddling its baby, and this guy sticks his arm in with an apple, and the panda like completely releases the baby and goes for the apple,

and it's just so, here it is. But Will found it in five seconds, like he always does. Watch this. I mean, it's just such, it's just like, pandas, you're terrible parents. baby panda, good God. Watch it out this shakes out, though. Even the adult is...

It looks like a... It looks like a person wearing a furry costume. Yeah, it's beyond adorable. Uh-oh. How long is the version of the video that Will found? The mama just picked him up. Here it comes. Look, Mama's just giving it a nice cuddle. I love you so much.

And then it's like, oh, this is a fair trade, human. I will take it. Baby removed. And that is you keep it. Straight through the cage. Gone. I mean, look at how fat and just degenerate at all. Not one fuck is given.

Very food focused. I could understand it. My guess is that the panda has learned that apple means baby goes away for a little while and comes back unscathed. For sure. Yeah, no, for sure. But I just think the video is so funny. It's just like, oh, what an adorable loving mother. She just gives up her baby for an apple.

Have you guys seen the video of the monkey? And, well, if you can find this while I'm talking about it, there's a monkey who sits on this guy's motorcycle. He comes back and discovers this monkey sitting there. And then the monkey starts like scratching and pissing on the dude's motorcycle seat. And then he proceeds to get in like a brawl with this fucking monkey. And you guys haven't seen it? Yeah, I have not.

No. It's so goddamn funny. I don't think the monkey, yeah, here it is. Check this out. If you could play this one, Will. Yeah, so there's a monkey just sitting on this dude's motor. That's a guy's just a monkey. The monkey's urinating on the motorcycle and tearing up the seat.

And the guy is just like, you can skip a little bit forward if you want. But the guy's literally, oh, here he goes. He just goes over there. He throws a shoe at the monkey. Oh, great. And now, you know, dude, the monkey comes straight at him. Now, now they're just sprawling on the ground. He's literally throwing bolos at this monkey.

The monkey is like, like in the fight, kicks this monkey. The monkey's still fighting him. By the way. Oh, yeah. The monkey was done. And then he kicked it in the head, fucking dickhead. Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, the guy's a total fucking asshole.

I think with audio, it's, it's funnier with audio. But, uh, but so yeah, I mean, I think the monkey's okay at the end. But so what's, the monkey was just like claiming that motorcycle as his own, yeah? He's like, this is mine. This is in my house. I've seen baboons do this a lot. And I didn't pull the video up full size quite. I couldn't tell if that was a Southern African baboon or not.

But they just get possessive. They're like, this is mine. And then you're like, no, no, I'll take that back. And they're like, I'm going to rock your world. Where I used to, where I grew up, we, so we used to go houseboating every summer on Lake Carribo, which at one time was the largest man-made lake. the world. It's very similar to like houseboating on Lake Powell in the U.S. You know, like everybody goes there in the summer and you get a houseboat and like you see your friends and it's super fun. And we used to do it

every summer, except this is houseboating in Africa. So you like dodge hippos and there's crocodiles everywhere and catch monster fish. And one of the things that always used to happen is you'd pull into this area that everybody used to go to like party basically, pull the houseboats in and the baboons would come aboard and like just rock shit. I mean, just destroy everything in their path. and they were looking for food. So if you left anything open or unlocked, they'd come in and take all your food. Now, remember coming back,

I was like 14 years old. In Zimbabwe, everybody starts drinking at like age six. So I was already drunk on like one and a half years at age 14. Oh, yeah. No, we have a problem. And I come back and there's a baboon with a loaf of bread on the upper deck of our houseboat. And I'm like, get out of here, baboon.

Like, get out of here. And this baboon looks at me and is like, you're fucking dead. And this thing just comes shooting at me. and this is at Lake Cariba, full of crocodiles, with the bag of bread in its hand, bearing its teeth, and I dive off the second story of the hive.

I belly flopped off of the second story of the houseboat into like two and a half feet of water where the boat was moored up against the shore. And the baboons up there going, like screeching at me, like trying to get me. And this is loaded with crocodiles in this lake. And then I'm like scrambling out of the lake at top speed back onto the houseboat,

where the angry baboon is. And the whole thing, like, there was like 15 people watching. Everybody was laughing hysterically at me. It was, it was quite a to do. Classic. Classic forest story, I feel like. The drunk adults were just there being like, oh, forest. Exactly, yeah.

That's pretty accurate. No, yeah, they're just like, oh, that fucking idiot. I was always doing stupid stuff, so they were used to it. But, yeah, no, literally everybody was just screeching and laughter. So on the topic of bizarre animals doing bizarre things, Did you guys see the story that came out of Puerto Rico about the escaped Barbary sheep? No. No.

Oh, I love this. I think the story's all in Spanish, so it's kind of hard to, like, dig up. But a Barbary sheep is like a Rocky Mountain sheep, you know, like big horns, big goat thing from the Rocky Mountains in North America, right? So there's a zoo in Puerto Rico that has them. Now, when you think of a wild sheep, you don't think of an animal that's hard to cast. However, the zoo in Puerto Rico had one escape, and it's been on the run with like a bunch of biologists and like DNR, like, you know, Department of Natural Resources people chasing it around the island for over a week. So there's just this one giant big horn sheep running around the island of Puerto Rico with like a mob of biologists and like zookeepers chasing it. And they have not to this day been able to catch it, which I think is just hysterical.

Is that because it can climb so well? Yeah, well, you'll see. I mean, I haven't seen this video, but I'm sure he's going up and down the rocks. He's running around like a lush jungle. This is a rocky mountain animal running around this lush jungle, getting chased by scientists. I don't know. I just think the whole thing's really, really funny. I mean, they have some, Barber's sheep have some big horns on them.

Oh, yeah. I would not want to get rammed by a pissed off one. You know, I think he's probably scared as hell getting chased around. So what are they going to do with it when they, catch it, they're just going to, like, put it in a zoo? Are they going to try and put it back where it came from? They're going to... Back in the zoo?

Yeah, it'll go back in the zoo, yeah. What, so, okay, let's say that you had this Barbary sheep in a confined area and you had to grab it. How would you get it? By the horns, you know? Grab the bull by the horns. I don't know. It would be tough.

It would definitely try and ram you. I think you'd want a net or something like that. I don't really know. Yeah. But I just think it's super funny that he's running around causing trouble. So could the three of us take one of these on, you think? Can we catch this? No, God, no.

Have you ever seen two big horn? And so the Barbary sheep is a, and I think I, did I say this or not? They're from Africa, but they've been introduced into North America. Anyway, they're like, they do the big, like, big horn ram head clash thing. And there's a famous video of a Barbary going against like a big horn in North America somewhere. and it's just like, it's just the biggest battle of like big dick swinging sheep you've ever seen. Just these two giant horned animals just going at each other full speed. Dude, we'd get destroyed.

I've recently learned that the Rams and, you know, the types of different horned sheep that do this have a spongy section of their skull that basically expands and contracts so that it keeps them from the brain from rattling every time they're smashing heads together. Which is pretty cool. Well, you were telling me about that, and I didn't know that. That they have, yeah, what is it? It's like the prefrontal lobe has sponge in it, basically, which acts as, you know, a football helmet for Rams, basically. Exactly.

Yeah. Natural football helmet. That's pretty cool. Hey, question for you. Shoot. Do you guys have any appetite for a new game? Always. It's my favorite part of the podcast games.

Would you say that you're a bit peckish for it, even? Indeed. I'm not sure where this is going, but yes, absolutely. So peckish. Well, Retepp had suggested to me Because he was like, you're always doing fucking math on shit I'm always doing math on the podcast Crazy math

So I'm gonna have Will join on camera here We're gonna play a new game Called What's it called? Well, you called it Pat's Math But I haven't been called Pat since I was 12 years old So we'll just call it the producer's math No, it's called Pat's Math

That's fucking ridiculous It doesn't even rhyme It doesn't it's Pat's Math It's Pat's math. Ooh, I like that. Do that again. Yeah, one more time. It's Pat's math.

Wow, that is nice. I'm going to keep track of who gets the most points. It's whoever gets closest. We're not doing prices, right rules. That's stupid. So I did some calculations based on things and behaviors from the animal kingdom. Okay. And extrapolated them out to human beings.

So, first question. how many tacos from Taco Bell would Retep have to eat to match the mammal that eats the most relative to its body weight each day? Are you going to give us any like anything to do that summation with so we know what the mammal is and what the tonnage is?

You know that you've got a mammal. Yep. And that it eats a certain amount relative to its body weight each day. So just picture like, Yep, that makes sense. How many Taco Bell tacos would Retap have to eat? And then I'll give you all the pertinent info after. All right, I got you.

I got you. I'll go first. So one Taco Bell taco weighs approximately one quarter, no, one eighth of a pound. I'm making this up. I don't know. I've never been to Taco Bell because I'm not Retep. Not never. It's just been a long time.

It's actually 0.2386 repeating three pounds. Okay. Let's do this. Let's give it. Retep's 210 pounds. A Taco Bell taco weighs a quarter of a pound, give her, take a lot. Quarter pound tacos.

Retep would have to eat 500 tacos. Okay. Equaling, what did I say? A quarter pound? Quarter of a pound. Right. That'd be 125 pounds. That's 125 pounds.

So that is 45% approximately of Retepe's body weight. Okay. No, wait. I said he's 200 pounds. God damn it, my math's terrible. That's that, that's, that's 60%. percent of Retepe's body weight, give her tape in Taco Bell. That's my answer.

Forest says 500. Will you go next without as many calculations? I have a much more, I have a better reference for Taco Bell. The last time I went to Taco Bell, I walked through it after a wedding, walked through a drive-thru, like a G, in a

fucking full suit. I believe a taco is one-eighth of a pound. I'm going to say that it takes, I'm going to say that it's 2,000 tacos. Okay. Over Reteps.

Okay. How many tacos? But I mean, you got to think, like, this animal can't eat that much. I mean, you couldn't eat 2,000 tacos? What do you think? Me? I could eat 2,000 tacos easy. Oh, get out of here.

Are you kidding me? Over the course of 10 or 15 years? The way to look at this is to think about, so I don't know the answer to this, even as a biologist. What mammal eats the most in relation to its body weight? My guess is we're in the, like, 60 to 7. 70% category. I don't know what the mammal is, but even that would be huge. Like 60% would be a lot of your fucking body weight. Sure. Yeah. Okay. I'm going, I'm going with Will on the, a quarter pound taco is fucking ludicrous for us. That's, there's, for a dollar, by the way. No, I'm going with an eighth of a pound. And I weigh 485 pounds. So, no, I weigh, I'm going to go 200. We'll say 200.

because I'm on the air. How many tacos? I thought 200 was your guess. How many tacos? No, no. I'm going with 10,000 tacos. Wow. Wow.

You think someone's eating... Will gets the point for this one. So, the Pygmy Shrew is the mammal that eats the most relative to body weight, eating 125% of its body weight every single day. What? So, what did you use for me? I asked you how much you weigh. 25% of his body weight.

Every day. So at 220 pounds, Retep would need to eat 4,400 ounces of taco. Each Taco Bellhard taco weighs 2.9 ounces, which means you would need to eat 1,517 tacos every day to do what a Pygmy Shrew does. And I'll do it. I will do it. Quick throw to the prologist for this. Yeah. Any thoughts on the Pygmy Shrew?

I mean, think of that thing's metabolism. It's got to be pooping all day long. It's just got to be going in one side and out the other side. There is no other way that you can eat 125% of your body weight because it's, it's, that thing's basically a tube. It's just food in one end, poop out the other end all day long. Are you talking about me? I think we're sure. Yeah.

All right. So, Will gets the point. Number two. So after Retep ate his Taco Bell, let's just say that he farted because he would. as loud as the animal that makes the loudest sound relative to its body size. Okay? How far away would his fart be heard? I'm going to, can I go first because I won the last round?

Yeah, of course. Okay, definitely going to go with the howler monkey. Feels like that's an easy choice. It weighs like 18 pounds. You can hear it 10 miles away, some shit like that. I don't think that's the question. Yeah, but that's not the question. would Retep's fart be heard?

Do the quick... Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. It would be heard a thousand miles away. A thousand miles will, come on.

Yeah. Yeah. I think he's a hundred times... No, he's not, I guess, yeah. All right. Can you... For us, since you chimed in,

your second. I'll go next. I'll go next. Retep weighs 225 pounds acting as though it's... 220. What's going on here? It's...

$220. Fuck you. 485. His... His fart would be... heard approximately 235 miles away. Okay. So Willa's

100 miles for us 235. Retept. Can you repeat the question? I'm sorry. It's been a long time. If you made it noise doesn't have to be a fart, but it's a fart in this case because you just ate 15,000 tacos. How far away would it be heard if your noise was relative to body size the same

as the animal that makes the loudest noise relative to its body size in the world. You're not going to have any good insights. Just say a number. No, no, I know. But this is, we're going to say, I'm going to just say, 750 miles away.

Well, Retep wins. Let me run you through the math. So the animal that makes the loudest sound relative to its body size is not the holler monkey. For us, do you have a guess? Yes, it's an insect, I'll tell you that. Probably a cricket of sorts, but I don't know. So it's a water, a bug that lives in water called a water boatman.

Okay, I know what a water boatman is, yeah. I just didn't know they were super loud. Yeah, so a water boatman weighs 20 grams, and it makes a sound in which it rubs its genitalia across its abdomen, producing a sound of 99 decibels, weighing only 20 grams. Oh my God. Okay. Wow.

So if we, Retep weighs 99,000 grams. So the sound of his fart would accordingly be 493,000 decibels, which is only theoretical. Now, let me tell you this. The loudest sound they believe has ever been witnessed by humans was the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa, which sounded like a gunshot 3,000 miles away. Wow. Wow. That's amazing.

That sound, and also that sound traveled around the earth six times displacing the air, was only 310 decibels. So, so, Retef's fart would theoretically kill every single living thing that wasn't underneath the ocean on Earth. It would be so loud. I'm a big fan of Pat's math, by the way. This is, I'm learning. It's got a lot. Yeah, it's really fun. I like that I'm highlighted it a lot.

I wait, not so much. but my fart would take out the entire fucking milky way, according to that. It would at least kill everything that wasn't deep under the ocean. And if you ate a thousand Taco Bell tacos, that might actually be accurate. Let's try all of this. I want to do all of it on air. Let's say Forrest had a very large penis. In fact, it was so large.

We know he doesn't. It's so large that it is as long as the animal that has the longest penis relative to its body size. on earth. How long? Forrest penis be. Retef, you go first this time. Okay. How tall are you?

Five foot four, For us? Yep. Five foot? Right on. What are you? Six foot? For real, six foot? Yeah, six foot.

Okay, so your penis, this thing's penis. Your penis is 18 feet, if this is the case. So he thinks there's an animal that's got a penis three times its body length. Correct. That's not so. Will, go second. I don't think that's possible. I'm going to go with, it would be exactly six feet.

I don't think anything has a penis that's longer than his body. And I'm not counting like a corkscrew dick of a duck that's like a porn hub. That's been pulled out, like just natural hang. That is a penis. So that was dumb. But I get what he's saying. He's saying natural hang as in you don't, you don't stretch it out. You go full torque.

Yeah. Just as 64% like. I didn't say that, and I made the game. That's true. Is your theoretical penis? Yeah, that's a good question. My fantasy theoretical penis is, man, I really liked Will's answer of the one-to-one body ratio.

It just seems hard to have a penis longer than your body. Nice pun. That said, yeah, it is. That said, chameleons, tongues, things like that I'm thinking about. Okay, Forrest at 6'foot has a theoretical penis to match the world's largest penis animal to body ratio of 8 foot 2 inches. Wow. I hate to say, Retepp has won again.

No way! I'm terrible. What is this? What is it? I hope it's three times body length. Barnacles. Barnacles have the longest penis on earth. Because the barnacle does not move, the penis needs to travel from the male barnacle to the female barnacle.

It's all dick. That barnacle is all the dick. It's just an unraveling the tape measure. I actually knew this. The barnacle is literally all dick. It's just a penis with some neurons. Its penis is 50 times the length of its body, thus making Forrest's penis 300 feet long.

I don't think you'd be very effective as a field biologist with that thing. Or mobile. Or anything. I mean, that would be a terrible. That would be awful. Forrest, you have a boat that's probably covered in barnacles. You know barnacles have big dicks. I knew this.

I knew they were all dick. I remember making jokes about this in biology classes. I don't know what is the matter with me. I should have known this. All right. Do you guys want one or two more? I got two more. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. All right. Here we go. I'm loving this game. Yes, great game. If Wild Times Willie could jump as high as the animal that jumps highest relative to its own body height, how many jumps would it take him? to reach the top of Mount Everest from the absolute bottom.

Mount Everest is 29,000 feet. Can we at least get a baseline on that? It's Mount Everest is 29,032 feet. Okay. Okay. You're going to give us a little bit of the story probably. There's always three numbers and we don't know anything about any of that. That's why it's nonsense.

All right. Forest goes first on this one. How many jumps would it take Will to get? 29,000 feet. If he could jump like a... I'm 6'2. Mount Everest is 29. I'm 6'5.

6 foot 6. In all fairness. I knew he was taller than me. I didn't know he was 6 foot. I didn't know he was a gargantuan. In all fair, I used 6 foot even as my math, so it's a little off. But let's pretend he's 6 foot. Let's pretend Will's 6 foot.

God, he's going to do... Oh, man, that's a lot of jumps. He's going to do 580 jumps. which still seems too low, but I've been low on everything. How high is Mount Everest again? 29,000 feet. All right. Six miles almost.

Six miles, yeah, of jumping. That's a lot. Okay. High. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go, I'm going to say he's going to have to do 800 jumps. Okay.

Will? All right, I got my number right here. I'm going on the snow leopard, three and a half feet tall, 35, foot jump. I'm six feet. So 10 times my height is 6,000. So I'm saying it's going to require 3,600 jumps. That's my bad math right there, napkin math. It's not bad, bad, bad math.

That's not a bad math. That's perfectly good math if that was the animal that we were basing this behavior on. It's definitely not. Forest wins. He had the lowest number. A flea, a flea can jump 200 times higher. Then its body legs. Oh, my God. Which means Will would, in each jump, be hopping 1,200 feet,

which means in just 24 quick hops, he would be at the top of Mount Everest. And he would no damage to his ligament or knees. I knew I should have just said one. Could you imagine how cool that would be? I was just going to say. For one second, let's just talk about the idea that. So let's see, you said how many jumps? 24 jumps.

24 jumps. So as in, so, and it's six miles. So in other words, you're basically jumping a half a mile. Yeah. Yeah. Like, could you imagine? Like, my commute to the gym would be incredible because it's like two miles from my house to the gym. I just hop.

Just, just, just, just, beo, of course. Yeah. Dude, I've always, I've always. Jumping over everything. Everything. Dude, it's essentially flying. It's essentially being, having the ability to fly. Yeah.

It might actually be cooler than flying. Like the fact that you actually have to hop, I think makes it cooler somehow. I always wanted my superpower to be like to be able to teleport. But I would take this as a close second. If I could jump like a flea dude, that would open things up for me. Yeah. How is there not a movie, a superhero that does this yet? The tech.

Remember the tick? The blue guy? I don't remember if you can fire or not. Yeah, I love that cartoon too. How does the fleet generate that much force to be able to jump like that? It's not like they're very muscular. You know, they're so small. People will have to join the Patreon to find out.

You guys have to say, though. Or Google it. Or Google it. I'd probably still rather be the barnacle, just saying. Take measure cock. This is the last one here. Also, by the way, fleas, the reason they're able to jump so high is they have an elastomeric protein called resellin. that is super bouncy and bendy and stretchy,

and it allows them to propel themselves. So last one. That's cool. I like that. Now we're going to go, we did jumping, we did, you know, big conk. Now we're going to jump to strength,

pure strength. Let's say Forrest was as strong as the strongest animal relative to its body weight when it comes to carrying shit, right? How many fully grown female African elephants could he just pick up at once and walk down the street?

with them. There's a lot of math here, boys. It's not supposed to be easy. No, I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of, Patrick put a lot of homework in this week. Did you spend all the night on this? Yeah. You texted me the idea last night and I was just drinking a beer in my garage after everyone went to bed and I was doing math.

Now I have something to do. Is Forest also 200 pounds? Like, what's Forrest's the starting way? I think we need to know that as a baseline. 350. Yep, I did 200 pounds for Forest. Okay. There you go.

It's a little low. It might be a little high, but. It's a little high, but that's okay. Not from naked and afraid for us. I'm thinking. I have female African elephants, fully grown female African elephants. Look, I'm just thinking of like leaf cutter ants and other species of ant that just carry massive weights compared to body size. I'm going to say that I could carry 200 female African elephants.

Okay. Peter? I'm going to say that Forrest at a massive girth of 400 pounds, no, 200. He could carry 1,000 250 female African elephants. It's a lot of elephants. Yeah, that seems like a lot. I'm going to go with the, what's that beetle that has like the fucking horns on it that's like crazy? The horn beetle?

Yeah, I'm going to go with rhinoceros beetle. I'm going with that math. I'm saying 1,000 on the die. Is that what you said, Forrest? He said 200. Oh, yeah, cool. 1,000 on the die. Me and Will are close, dude.

Drumroll. Yeah. Forrest has won again. Nah. Fuck that. The rhinoceros beetle is correct, though, Will. Good call. Oh, nice.

Which will carry 850 times its body weight on its back. 350 times. So, Judge, you know, by that math since a female African elephant would weigh about 6,000 pounds. Forest would be able to carry 28 African elephants on his bag down the street.

So far off. Carrying 170,000 pounds. Animals are cool. Humans are pretty garbage. We have good brains, but that's it, man. Yeah, we really are just so soft. I mean, we've got nothing. Can you imagine, God, let's, let's, like, can we just go on Amazon? Will, you're the computer guy. Go on Amazon. Order three CRISPR kits, four CRISPR kits right now.

Get a rhinoceros beetle, a barnacle, a flea. And what was the other thing? I don't remember what the other thing was. The waterboating? Yeah, the water boath. And just make a cocktail of that. I will and Peter, you guys are smarter than Patrick. I figured it out, I'll be the test dummy, inject it right into my veins.

I'll take it. Quick answers. If you could have one of those five superpowers, which one would you be? We know Retep would be able to eat the tacos. Nah, it's the flea, obvious, which I just said, mate. I'm, man, I don't know. No, I think the strength. I think I'd rather do the strength thing than the flea thing.

I'm going to flee. I'm going to flee. I want to be able to jump for, like, five jumps from here to, like, Florida. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. All right. Let me lay this out for you. Here's the hypothetical.

Okay, you can jump like a flea, or you can have the strength of a rhinoceros beetle. there's no hiding the jump like a flea. Do you know what I mean? You're a freak. You're a goddamn freak. You're not playing in the NFL. You're not, nothing, nothing.

What are you talking about? You're getting caught. No, you can hide. No way. There's no way. What if you only jump at night? Yeah, you just, you don't jump in front of people. Nah, come on, dude.

You're getting caught. There's no way. But if you've got the strength of a rhinoceros beetle, me at me at six foot shows up to, you know, open tryouts at the end. NFL, and before you know it, I'm the starting linemen, you know, making millions of dollars. Zero question. Strong main competition. You're forgetting the

part where you would look like a rhinoceros beetle, so. No, no, you just have the power and the ability. That's not the game. It's not a game. You don't look like a fleet. Are you kidding me? No, just forest with the strength. I might take the water boatman honestly, because I would

then have the power to just rub my genitals against my abdomen and kill every living thing. So I could just be like, everyone in the world has to give me half their money or I'm going to kill the world. I can also just see, I've been on enough shoots with Patrick where he loses his cool. And we're like on a shoot and the fixers like fucked everything up and there's no coffee

and you look over. Patrick's got his pants around his ankle and he's just rubbing his dick against his tummy. And he's like, you better bring me my fucking coffee. And he just screeches and the guy just fucking explodes. And it's like, oh, it's pissed off that again. I told you he's going to rub his coffee. Dick on his tummy. If you do that,

Dick. I love it. It's a good thing barnacles don't have that ability. Yeah. I don't know who would win in a fight

either with which superpower with which superpower here. They're all fantastic. The Animal Kingdom's full of amazing shit. Listen, if you like Pat's math, that's not my name, but if you like it,

let us know. Please, let us know in the comments. Pop a like on the YouTube. Leave a comment on iTunes. If you're bored and miserable, about this segment, let us know that too. No, nobody's going to hate this. I love this segment.

If you hate this segment, you're what's wrong with America, okay? Because this is a good segment. But keep listening. And I'm going to keep a running tally, by the way, too, so that we can, the first one to 10 wins. I like it. Yeah, that was fun. This is fun. I like playing these games.

I've been out on a boat with no access to news and not caught up on anything. So let's play another game. What else we got in the game department? So we played a game last week, which was real fun while you were out of town with me, Pat, and Will. Okay. And we basically picked our top three plus our least favorite French fry. Okay. Very important stuff.

Real quick, what was the overall worst French fry? Was there a unanimous steak fry? Yeah, wedg fry. Yeah, wedges are garbage. It's just a baked potato. Legit. They're fucking horrible. Forrest S. FOMO. Wait, real quick. Will brought up last week.

One of his best fries is he says, you know, a hand-cut curly fry, like when you go to a farm and they serve that. What? I've never been to a farm and got a curly fry in my life. None of that adds up. All right. So what do you want to do for top three in DFL this week? Top three in DFL. We're going to do alcoholic. drinks.

I know what forest number one is. Yeah, you do. You do indeed. Okay, alcohol. That's it. It's very simple. All types included. What types?

I already know mine? Yep, I got mine. Are you doing math or are you writing down your alcoholic beverages? I'm writing them down. I know my three. Okay, make sure you put the pen down after you're done. I'm fine. I've probably been clicking it.

We don't know. Yeah, I bet you have. So, yeah, it's going to be just your, your top. three alcoholic beverages and then just you're the worst one. Okay. I can go. I know mine. Yeah.

It's easy for me. Three, two, one. Favorites and then you're dead fucking last. Three, two, one favorites. Okay, gotcha. Number three, hard to beat. I'm going to be called a real basic bitch for this. Don't care.

A fantastic pinocalada, incredible. Like a good pinocalada. Yeah. It's so hard to beat. It's insane. It's just an adult milkshake. I don't care who you are. Number two, I don't, I don't, because that's what it is.

Number two, favorite drink is a perfect old-fashioned. You get a good old-fashioned. I mean, a bad old-fashioned is just awful, but a good old-fashioned. It's one of my go-toes. Second only to the number one drink on planet Earth, regardless of who you are. If you disagree, just get out. Gin and tonic. It's the best drink ever invented.

I can drink them all day, all night. there's nothing better. It's basically water. That is my top three. And then do I say my DFL or do we circle back for DFL? Yeah. What's your dead fucking last? Oh, anything with vodka.

Like, why, why vodka? Why does vodka even exist? Just straight vodka. It's just disgusting. Like vodka's garbage. I'm going to go next because off the heels of that. That's ridiculous. Vodka's delicious.

Yeah, vodka is such a utility player, man. Yeah, it is, but it just tastes like nothing. And if you're not a sorority girl, you should never drink it. End of discussion. That's fucking absurd. I will say that gin and tonics are disgusting and a lot of calories. Forrest just tipped his chair over. I'm going to go in my top three.

Number three is a straight up vodka and soda with a splash of some type of fruit drink. Oh, come on. You're just doing that because I said how disgusting it is. No, I literally, that's my number four. Constantly, I drink it. It's what I drink. It's locale. It's delicious. You can drink a thousand of them.

Number two, I'm going to go with just a straight up Moscow, Miu. Delicious drink. It's a good drink. It's a good. Has vodka for us to have vodka. It does. It does. And it's a good drink.

But just straight vodka is my answer for Dilf. We have a lot of Australian listeners. I don't know if they drink them down there. It's vodka. a little bit of soda and ginger beer. And it is delightful. You can drink 20 of them. Drink it in a pool.

And it serves in a copper mug, which keeps it colder longer. It's always cold and it's always hot out. Yeah, no, it's a good drink. It's a good drink, yeah. Good call. Now, my number three is probably going to be controversial because you two like to kiss your asses in the tech. Wait, wait, wait.

My number one, my number one. Okay, gotcha. Is this a ranking? I don't know. Anyways, my number one is a, Pat, I will kill you. You are the ugliest. of our games. You still don't know how they work.

You don't understand things. When you make anything but a smile, you are hideous. My number one, my top favorite is a straight up Caucasian. A white Russian. It's delicious. A white Russian. That's right. Or also known as a Caucasian.

You may have seen it in the Big Lobowski fantastic movie. He drinks them constantly. It consists of Kalua, cream, and again, vodka. Only you would pick a milk drink as your number one drink. You picked a Pina colada. You're making me. Are you kidding me?

You're calling me a sorority chick. You picked a fucking Pena colada. It's broken. A Pina colada. You're broken. Pina colas are delicious. Real quick, side story. Before we hear Patrick, I'll never drink

White Russians again because one time I was gambling at a really, really shitty casino far outside of Los Vegas before going on the Blackwater Canyon, drank about eight white Russians, followed that up by drinking something else that I don't remember what it was. It all coagulated in my stomach and I puked up a ball of white stuff. Not joking. Literally, it was like this round, lumpy thing that came out. Because you had a bad experience and you made bad choices in life. It has nothing to do with the actual flavor of the bullshit. Obviously, obviously it's a gin and tonic.

Oh, come on. Get the fuck out of here. You're just being negative for. no reason. It's the best drink in the world. It coagulates my shit after I'll never serve you alcohol at my house ever again. Coagulate. Well, I have one of yours on my list, Peter, but you're not going to like where it is.

It's a chicken. For me, number three is a jack and Coke. Now, it's a bit fratty. It's a bit childish. I don't have them often. But when I do, I'm like, these are the best. They're so tasty. They're refreshing. You get this

I love Jacking Coke or Jack and Diet Coke. No, I do too. It cuts down the sweetness of the Coke to make it tastier. It's like, it's really good. It's nice. Number two, because I was thinking in terms of I need one thing that's like, I can't live without it. I need it. Like I would actually rather kill myself than not have this available, which is red wine.

I'm going to go specific. I knew you had to pick wine. Chilled Cabernet Sauvignon. It just makes food taste so much better. It makes the meal experience. experience more fun. You know, I pretty much have a glass of wine every night. Would it be chilled? People, yeah, I always keep, I keep my red wine cold, which people think is weird.

Oof, it's barbarous shit. Number one. Ridiculous. My number one favorite drink. I associate it with Vegas, because whenever I go to Vegas, I drink these. A Harvey Wallbanger. What is it here? The Harvey Wallbanger. I don't know if I know what that tastes like. So here's what it is. It's basically a screwdriver. Okay. So you're starting. with vodka and orange juice, but then

you put in, I like more of this, some people say half a shot, some people say full shot of Galliano, which is black licorish-flavored liqueur that cuts through the sweetness of the screwdriver and just gives it this, oh my God,

dude, Harvey Wallbangers are so good, they're so refreshing. The problem with them. Salivating a little bit. Yeah, dude. You know what? When we do the video reviews at my house, that's what we're drinking. Let's. I'm boring. You don't often find Galliano, which is unfortunate. A lot of bars don't have them.

DFL white Russian, that's fucking gross. You're gross. You're both gross. You should not be your number one. Yeah. Sit on a fucking gin and tonic. Tonic water. It's poison.

F off. It's actually medicine. You idiot. It's cream, by the way, you moron. It's not milk. Even, and say it right, milk. It's more grosser. Grosser is not a word.

Learn English. Should I melt some butter and dump some grain alcohol into it? Would you like that? It's tasty. How many peanut chis? How many of those are you drinking, mate? How many of those are you going to have? I'm talking about having one delicious cocktail.

I had three the day before yesterday before getting on a flight. Was your shit coagulated? You still learning what that word means and how to pronounce it, and it wasn't. I felt great for a while. How dare you? How dare you, sir? You're the one with bad English. When you went to the farm where they served you these hand-cut curly fries, did they also milk

milk the cow? one give you a fresh white Russian? 100% yes. Not white Russian, but they get digging his milk though. It was a field trip. When did this happen? I was about eight years old, so maybe like... Were you sleeping? Were you sleeping when this happened?

Yeah. Was there an uncle with bad touch there, Will? A field trick. Wow. I cannot believe anybody, any normal human would pick a white rush. I will still drink a white Russian, but it should not be anybody's favorite drink.

Like, that's just a yuck. It's gross. Here's what we'll do. You're both gross. You're both gross. Here's what we're going to do. You can both suck a fat one. We are definitely going to get together before, before too long in the next week or two.

Yep. In the backyard, we're going to do the hot tub. We're going to do the video reviews. We're going to post them. It's going to be fun. I think everyone should bring the ingredients for their favorite drink. 100%. And we make them.

And we'll have one of each. I literally just looked back at my bar to see what kind of gin. I had currently, so I'm prepared. Bring a nice one. Yeah. I think it's really, I know. Yep. I'm going to bring some nice gin. I've got these caviar limes growing at my house, which are limes

in like little bubbles that you put. I'm going to bring some fresh mint. You guys are never going to drink anything ever again. I'm literally going to bring a Modelo. Cheers, mates. Now, you will bring all the makings of white russian including cream. Yeah, right. You guys will not be fucking having, tasting the deliciousness that

is a white Russian at that event. You have to bring it. Bring a fancy white Russian and I'll drink it. And I'll tell you that it's a good to mediocre drink, but nobody should call it their favorite. I'm going to bring you a 40-ounce container of white Russian that you must try to chew it. Colagalots. Broisners, way in. Let us know if we miss something obvious or if you think Retepp's an idiot.

Or both. Nice dead air. Nice segue. Were you waiting for me to say something? That was funny. Oh, fuck off. Pat, you are a monster. Hey, Forrest, I got to say, I missed you last week.

Trying to hold it down with just this fucking negative Nancy was tough. That was a negative at all. I was happy. I was fantastic. How much sourness was going on last week? Was he in a particular mood or was he pretty good? He's always in a mood, dude. That's true.

Are you guys? Yeah, everybody's always in a mood. Oh, fucking morons. Wait, wait a minute. Forrest, I hear your phone ringing. Oh, pardon me. Hello. Good night.

Hello, who's this? It's Neil Waters, mate. Oh, hey, Neil, my favorite guy. How are you, buddy? Well, I was better before you slagged me off online, mate. Does that mean J-O-you? So, yeah, okay, sure, right on. Ah, yeah, hope you and Nick Mooney are having fun somewhere, playing hacky-sac and all that. Yep. Oh, this is a negative call.

All right, yeah, this is not going well. Please continue. Anyway, I wanted to tell you, mate, And I think it's time. Oh, my goodness. Neil. Battle Royale! And then I hang up the phone. Yeah, there you go.

Can we introduce every battle? We're just going to cut that in to every single episode from now on. I was for that. I was a big fan of that. That was good. What do we got? You're back. Why don't you pick one of the Battle Royales that are submitted by Brosters?

Yeah. This is a fun one. Will came up with this one. It's very weird. It's out there. I'm for it. Here's the scenario. You can grow any animal meat from a lab, and you're the head chef of the first 100% cruelty-free exotic animal restaurant.

Okay? So it's lab meat. You're the head chef, Michelin restaurant, you know, top-notch. And you, your guests order while they wait for their food, they go on a VR safari, right? So they're like, all right, I'm going to have myself a nice zebra steak. I'll put on my VR goggles. Go on Safari. Half of the money that they spend at this very expensive, cruelty-free, exotic animal meat restaurant.

Experience, experience, not just a restaurant. It's a big to do. It's kind of the opposite of Ted Nuget's Kill and Grill. Right. Half of their money goes to animal conservation. The question here. is Mr. Michelin chef. What are you serving for an appetizer,

a main course, and a dessert? All animal products, all lab grown. Let's go. Cruelty-free. You're not killing anything. It's an opportunity to taste things that you may not otherwise be able to taste. Pat, shut up.

Now, is this a snake draft, or is this a regular... Are we just going around in a circle? Snake draft, and here's how we're going to do it. It's going to be a little bit different tonight. We're going to go snake draft. Everybody's going to do their appetizer, then main course, then dessert. Okay.

Appetizer. This is fascinating. Okay. Yep. All right, who wants to start this off? Can Forrest go first, please? While you gaggle, while you Google. I can go first.

All right, yeah, you got it. So I've had the fortunate luxury of eating a lot of Africa's game growing up, being on safari all the time. and for my, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, I should save that for my main course. For my appetizer, all that being said. Oh my God. I had to think about it. It threw me for a curve. That's fine.

I've got it. It's not a problem. No question. Keep in mind, this is all lab-grown meat, which means you can have it any size you like, right? If it's grown in a lab, it doesn't have to conform to the size of currently known. Of course it will. but it doesn't have to conform to the size of currently known foods, animal foods, because it's lab grown. So my first appetizer, something magnificent, delicious.

You guys are going to be like, wow, what a cop out, I can buy that today. But you can't buy it the size of your head, which is how I would serve, my thinly sliced, deep water, cold water scallop. Appetizer, lab grown, imagine a scallop the size of a basketball, slift perfectly in the middle, a sheet. giant of scallop meat. It's so good, it would be raw. You'd have a garnish of lemon to squeeze on top of it. Magnific. A little salt maybe.

A little salt on the table. Of course. All right. I'll go next. I'm going to do my appetizer as well. I want to serve something delicious, something rare, and something that the VR experience is going to be second to none, right?

So I'm going to transport my restaurant patrons to the deep, deep, deep sea, the deepest parts of the ocean where the anglerfish resides. They're going to the fucking bottom of the Mariana Trench in their VR experience. They will have an anglerfish crudeau made from the animal that has that little thing that comes off and creates its own flashlight. They're going to explore the Mariana Trench and then have a lovely Crudeau of anglerfish. I didn't think of the VR experience. That was a good point there.

Yeah. Okay. Very nice. Very nice. All right. What's up? Appetizer and Maine. Okay. So my appetizer will be a deliciously...

Everybody, when they go and they buy this, it's infuriating, okay? It's a common thing. It's available everywhere, but it's fucking infuriating. And Forrest made a good point that it could be any size. I am going to have a walk-filled... bowl of just pure oyster. It's just going to be dying. Kind of copying what I did there, but okay.

Yeah, except it's a fucking oyster. And you got to pay $5 million for to eat oysters anytime in real life. That's true. That is true. I like what Patrick did. Yeah, this is all about the experience. For us, nobody cares. Shut up on the first one. My next one, my next one will be my main course.

And since this is a, you know, this is fantasy. We can grow this in a lab, and the VR experience is going to be on point because I will be having, or my guests will be having a delicious, sliced human meal. Oh, my God.

Reteb, freak. And you know what? The VR experience will allow you to hunt said human and humanely kill it. I like how you just said sliced human, Not like a nice, a nice medium rare human rump steak or, you know, like nothing, just sliced human. Sliced Forest Galante rump. That's quite something.

Like ground chuck. Yeah, that's right. A giant walk bowl filled with just the innards of an oyster. Your meal, sir, sounds revolting. And your VR experience is very odd. He's going to basically serving barnacle in person. So you can find out at the pier. So again, mine's about to experience my restaurant.

And so I have always wanted to see one particular animal that I will most likely never see in my whole life. I've tried to pitch shows where we do expeditions to look for it. No one ever buys them because they don't think we'll find it. I want to see the giant squid. The giant colossal squid, the one that the Kraken legends are made around. round. So, in my experience, you will go down there and then you will be served. You'll see giant squid. You will swim among them. They'll be fighting sperm whales. You'll see those battles as if you were scuba diving in clear water. I mean, if you even want to take the headset off to eat your

meal, you'll be served a lovely squid risotto with hints of lemon, fresh parsley, some capers for some more shot and brine. It's better than sliced human, all right? Retap. Sliced human and common barnacle. That's my main dish. These are fucking delicious oysters. Fuck off. Yeah, that's very nice. That's very nice.

You're up for your main course and your dessert. Yep. Hold on. Do better for us. Your appetizer was garbon. I went soft in the meeting I did so far. Come on. For sure.

Yeah, you're definitely winning. Can you swim in my walk. You are one. Oysters. Okay. All right. Very good. Very easy.

Very easy. For my main course. It's a meat that I personally know is more delicious than anything I've ever had the luxury of tasting. But before you get to find out what that is, you put on your VR helmet and you get to experience a wild African safari, unlike anything that anybody is able to do anymore. Africa, as it truly once was, you walk through the bush, you're in Africa back in the day. You're wearing a pith helmet. You got short khaki shorts. You got your giant rifle, and you're going out there and you're trekking through sub-Saharan Africa.

before you have to VR style dispatch an inland, which you then get to eat. Eland meat, absolutely incredible, served medium rare, delicious. Tell me about an eel end real quick. It's kind of like a deer, right? Yeah, it's a giant antelope. They're almost the size of a moose, big, big animal. Will, maybe you can pull up a picture.

They are hunted in Africa for meat. I mean, it's the best meat I've ever had. When I was like in my early 20s, I was convinced that the only way I was going to get really rich was to make an Eland farm because if anybody tasted it, they would be convinced that it's so much better than cow. They eat both leaves and grass, so they're better for the environment. You know, they're not just grazers. And they're just, I mean, they're just stunning animals. They're beautiful. They're pretty, they're huge.

They're much larger than a cow. There's one right there. And it's honestly, when I took some of the guys to Africa on one of our shoots, every, said it was the best meat that ever eaten. And that was without me prompting them. So I was so glad to hear that it wasn't just in my head. It really is the most delicious steak on earth. Our field producer, Justin, when he got back, because I wasn't on the shoot in Zimbabwe, I said, how'd it go? And he's like, the eel end, the eel to me? I mean, it was the best steak I've ever tasted. It's not even close. It was the first thing he said. I was like,

No, no, how did the fucking shoot go, idiot? Wow. So you're just a dick to everybody, huh? Yeah, of course, especially. He needs it. All right, what's your dessert for us? That sounds fun. Right, quickly.

Let's wrap this up. I'm sorry, this is very difficult coming up with an animal lab meat dessert, okay? It's definitely not a white Russian, I can tell you that much. Is it a pinia colotta? Let's go. Oh, God, what do you serve for dessert? It. Jesus Christ, this is hard. Okay, I know. I know. I know. So for your final meal, you put on your VR helmet, and before you know it, you are shrunken down into the tiny world of insects. It's very fascinating. Everything seems huge and gigantic and cool and scary. You have the VR strength of an ant. You can lift things and you join the colony and you head into. the hive and you see millions

of worker ants and termites and you see the queen and all her big gross throbbingness and everything that goes on in an ant hive and then you come out. Great for a dessert. Can you just shut up and listen? You know nothing. You know nothing. And then you come out of your VR

experience and on your plate is a giant gelatinous meal that tastes like a lemon drop. Think a giant bowl of lemon drop jelly. And That is ant meat. Because if you've ever eaten ants, they taste like lemon drops.

So it is a grown ant in a lab. It's gelatinous and goopy, but it's delicious with a spoon. And it's, you get a bowl of ant, and it tastes like a lemon drop. That's a real thing. Wait, is it an Ebola ant? No, it's a bowl of ant. You had walks of everything. You had a walk of human.

A walk of oyster meat. Yeah. And human, sliced human. Here, well, Forest has no chance. of beating me, I do appreciate that he worked in some knowledge that the ant tastes like lemon, which is kind of I don't think most people know that.

So after you had the anglerfish Crudeau and the squid risotto explored the mariana trench and all that, you're going to put on your VR headset and you'll be transported to a remote island where you're exploring freely in the forests, you're

looking, you're surrounded by ocean, you're on Arapawa Island, which is about 40 miles off the coast of New Zealand. They don't allow a lot of tourism there. That's very protected because they have a lot of interesting species, including the Arapawa goat. So as you explore and frolic freely in the VR, you will be served a Trace-Lecis cake,

a very light, airy cake that I love from Mexico, made with Arapawa goat milk. So much. That's very snazzy. I'm for it. Why are you against that, Retem? Seriously, I'm curious. I'm against both of you.

See, it's just, just, the forest, you're just kissing his ass. Pat's been Googling, looking up actual recipes and just replacing it with exotic meats. You've never had a trace lechase cake. Nobody has, mate, and nobody who listens to this podcast even knows what that means. It's a fairly common dessert. You're literally the only person who hasn't had a trislech's case. Are you done? Is it my turn? Can I finish? Yeah, hurry up.

My final VR experience, and I'm pissed because Forrest took my idea somehow, you will be shrunken down, much like in the old cartoon, The Magic School Bus, and you will enter into Pat's mouth. Here comes herpes as a dessert. Don't step on my fucking dessert, you stupid aunt gelatinous lemon tasting sniff fuck. What's that? It's just a bunch of zees because I'm snoozing. You will go down his esophagus. He won't know because you'll be so tiny. And you will float down into his body with a net.

And you will be capturing whichever viruses infect his body, from AIDS to herpes to gonorrhea. And you will put them into a nice container. you will come back out of the experience, and your AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes will be sprinkled on a delicious platter of vanilla ice cream. Thank you.

Do they have a flavor, do we think? Yes. Do viruses have a flavor? That's slightly outside of my wheelhouse of the biologist. I mean, that's just... They're inside of you, mate. None of that made... So Rattap, let me just get this straight.

And this is the recap for anybody that wants to weigh in on iTunes or YouTube or anywhere else that you listen. Retap, your meal, so I'm clear, is the thing that literally every food critic says is disgusting, which is a large oyster. And you're talking about one the size of a walk, because small oysters are refined.

I'm talking about a bowl of oyster meat. Yeah, so a walk-sized oyster. And then if I'm not mistaken... It doesn't have to be necessarily just one oyster. It could be a collection. Whatever tastes the best, mate. But second up, you have sliced human. No description.

Just sliced human. Delicious. Butter. I mean, you could put butter salt on there. And then your third... It's actually sliced forest roast rump. Okay, very nice. And don't forget about my VR experience with the human.

You get to hunt said human, whichever one you want, and have a sliced version of them on your plate. Okay, that's something. And then your dessert is vanilla ice cream sprinkled with Pat's stomach viruses. That's correct? Well, no, his genital viruses. Genital viruses. Okay.

And that got a reamase. You definitely need a restaurant for that. So if that sounds good to you, vote for Retepe. What's next forest? Yeah, if you don't want to eat any of that, you could do Patrick's VR-heavy restaurant, which takes you to the bottom of the ocean to have an angel fish crudo. Angler fish, not angel fish, excuse me. Second up, you continue in the ocean to have a jumbo, was it a giant squid risotto?

Is that what you said? Correct. Yeah. Yep. Followed by some rare goat that I've never heard of, Trace's cake. Is that correct? Yep. That is correct.

That's great. It sounds cohesive. It does. It does sound cohesive. Giant squid. Has anybody ever eaten a giant squid? Nobody knows. And my meal, and because I'm an idiot and didn't fully understand the game when we began,

was a giant scallop to begin with. And scallops are delicious, but the VR experience would be trash. And then going on a very old school African safari with a pith helmet and khaki shorts. and euthanizing an eland to eat medium rare. And then a giant bowl of ant jelly, which would taste like lemon drops because ants actually taste like lemon. And I, oh, yeah, that's disgusting. But ice cream with genital warts isn't or whatever you said.

I never said genital warts. Very strange. Whatever. So that's about Royal tonight. It definitely got a little derailed. I'm for it, though. Give us a vote. Give us a vote.

Let us know whose restaurant you'd eat at. Yeah, what else? Oh, now you guys want me to do something. Now you want me to do something. Do the thing. Yeah, do the wrap up. Vote in the comments. Vote.

I'm going to try and put a poll up on the YouTube channel in the thing. I'll post a link. Go to the wild timespodcast.com forward slash info for the links to everything. The Patreon will be up next week or two. There's going to be some shit in there and extra podcasts. And yeah. we love you. Hey Peter.

Shut up. Is your dad, Jeff Bridges? No. My dad's dead. Fuck off. Good night.