Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT #56 - 25000 Barrels of DDT Found Off California Coast, Woman Swallowed by Python, Animal Mystery

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Another bangin' episode of your favorite wildlife clownshow! More about the TWT crew @ https://thewildtimespodcast.com Join our amazing Discord community of wildlife and adventure enthusiasts @ https://discord.com/invite/zzTxnrHnS8 We love you!

Oh, we're on. We're on, and we are back. It is episode 56 of the greatest show in the world. The only show you should ever watch, listen to, join, be a part of. Maybe we'll start a cult following, make you drink some Kool-Aid. We don't know yet. It is the Wild Times. Episode 56. I am your host, Forrest Galante. Joining me, as always, is Mr. Patrick DeLucah, the broducer. Hey. What's up, Patrick? I usually go third. It feels like a real treat. Like I feel special today. I'm great.

I'm way better now. Yeah, I like that. You're number two in my book. And number three, Mr. Retep. Peter, how are you? You look angry already. What's going on, Professor? I mean, Pat's literally like looking down in his lap.

He just stuck a piece of Nicorette in. He's very prepared for the podcast. It's the only reason I look angry. Nicorette is made out of gum. Do you see me chewing gum? Would you just stick in your little meat? meager mouth, you little bitch. Wow.

We are getting this off to an aggressive star. Come on, what did you put in there? What is that? A nice mint. Ah, fucking mint. You needed one. I could smell your breath here. Hey.

Glad to be here. All right. Well, this is your first time tuning in. Real quick. Yeah. Forrest, are you wearing a rugby jersey? What's going on there? Yeah.

Dude, rugby started up again. Everybody's vaccinated. The world's coming back into order. So I'm going from the podcast to play some rugby and then to the bar where I will be until 2 a.m. Here's my prediction. Yeah. Because I know you've got another little expedition coming up.

I do. I do. You are going to get absolutely smeared, creamed, playing rugby, and you're going to dislocate a finger, which is not going to keep you from going on your expedition. But then you're going to go to the bar and drink a boot full of beer and fall backwards off a table and break your tibia, thus not allowing you to go to Africa. You know what's funny is that that's a prediction. However, that is also a recap of something I have done in the past. So you're not wildly off.

That's, look, it's possible. I'm not, I wouldn't advertise to my employers that I'm currently going to play rugby four days before I leave for a... Might as well put it out on the most popular podcast in the country then. Whatever, dude. Whatever. Is he on Rogan? You going on Rogan today, too? This podcast, you dummy, it's the number one in the world, didn't you know?

That's right. Yeah, yeah. All right. We just got a $600 million offer from Spotify. We did. And we turned it down because we knew how much bigger we'd be. Yeah. I didn't want to tell you guys.

I just turned it down without time. Yeah. Don't waste our time with pitiful things like that. Yeah. All right. Well, look, if you're joining us for the first time, this is the Wild Times podcast. It's not just angry or a tep and us talking bullshit. We get into wildlife, science, adventure news, all kinds of good stuff.

And if you're listening on iTunes, we have a YouTube channel. It's lots of fun. You can look at our faces. We keep saying we're going to get together and do stuff. and then everybody has stuff coming up, but we are working on it. We are getting together to start filming things and putting it out on a little platform called Patreon. Right?

Petscrion. I don't know much about it. Yes, very exciting. Other than it's going to be fun and it's going to keep the podcast going, which is pretty exciting because, well, we started this over a year ago as a means to hang out and have a drink, and it's come a heck of a long way. Yeah, man.

Now you, yeah. Now you guys are drinking coffee. I'm still drinking. You're having like a LaCroix. Fuck you guys. I got a rugby after this. Dude, I got a Starbucks because I needed to order coffee from Uber Eats today. And I added two shots to my Grande Iced Americano.

It tastes like an ashtray. Yeah. Like I already feel bad. Gittery. Well, I want to start things off on a happy note because there's a story that I'm going to get into in a little bit that's going to cause us to rant. Retep's face is going to turn purple. I'm going to be screaming. All right. I've got an animal mystery for y'all.

Oh, sorry us. Yeah, baby. Let's do it. You've got to know. Well, I've been to British Columbia. Have you been there, Forrest? I have. It's quite lovely.

Retep? Of course not. It's in Canada, Retap, just so you know, not Britain. America's top hat. Yes. So in British Columbia, sort of up north, north of Vancouver, beautiful country up there. Lots of pine trees, right?

Indeed. Got some... Redwoods, all kinds of beautiful stuff. Very cold. Very beautiful. Very beautiful. So here's the setting of our animal mystery. So you've got this town. There's about 900 people who live in this small town, right?

Everyone's working from home. It's COVID. Canada's way behind on the vaccine, by the way. Like, nobody's been vaccinated up there. I've heard that. And they're having spikes and it's getting bad up there. Yeah, it's a... It's a...

fucking mess, man. They have not handled it particularly well. Anywho, everyone's working from home. They wake up for work on a Monday morning. The internet's down. Everyone's internet in the entire town is down. It's the end of times. This is an animal mystery. So I'm not going to give you any more details once you're just top of the head guess before I give you some pertinent details. Let me take one. Let me take one real quick. This, this, this, this sounds like the activity of a malicious beaver who took down either. This is an animal mystery. We're not talking about your ex.

Okay. Malicious beaver. Very funny. Very funny. Thank you. Please continue. Not as funny as me. Don't make jokes.

So a beaver has taken down some type of, it's either a tree or, or like a, a pole that has electronics on it, and it took out the internet cables that are feeding this. So he's going with a big, nasty, orange-toothed beaver has eaten one of the poles that holds a line. Forrest, any initial thoughts? Yeah, I mean, my initial thought is they must have Cox Cable. And if you're listening to this, Cox Cable, screw you, because my Internet's out constantly. But behind that, Canada, I don't even think they have above-ground power lines in Interimbing. I think they're more modern than we are, and it's all in the ground.

So that's a good thought. All the poles are intact. They're not worried about poles because the internet runs through a cable that is three feet underneath the earth. Ha, ha. Naked mole rat. Naked mole rat. Oh, man. I was going to say like a moose did something, but it's not three feet underground.

All right, I'm going to go with a badger. I'm going to go a badger, Doug a Barrow. found it. They gnaw and stuff. Badgers are crazy. I feel like Badgers do things for no apparent reason, like chew through cables. So I'm making this up, but I'm guessing Badger. It could be, we talked about the pygmy mole rat last week that eats 125% of its body weight. It could be a pygmy mole rat that just ate the whole internet. So I'm going to give you one more clue. So Forrest, you're on the right track.

It's three feet underground. but the cable is surrounded by a four and a half inch in diameter metal cable. Wow. So it's got a four and a half inch in diameter. That's a big ass piece of metal. Yeah, that's ridiculous. So, I mean, geez, what kind of animal? Four and a half inches?

That's crazy. Big conduit. Look, my guess is, my guess is it was underground. It rusted through. I'm not saying an animal got through that. And then in came either a bee, yeah, what did I say? A badger. You said a beaver.

That's right. A badger or maybe a beaver. Maybe a t. Or some other kind of mustelid that just wrecked shop for no reason tore it to pieces. That's my guess. I would never guess animal mystery period for this, but that's my guess. Sure. Yep.

It was a beaver. You were absolutely correct. It was a beaver. So they found an animal. nearby Beaver Dam, and the beaver that built it was digging underground for whatever reason. I didn't really know Beavers did that. But it chewed through the conduit in seven different places. Oh, my God.

So there were seven different spots where this thing decided. He chewed through a four and a half inch diameter piece of metal six times and was like, I need to do that one more time. That's real fun. He's getting a tooth workout, man. Reteb. Yep, look at you coming in out of the gate with the beaver pick, too. That's pretty impressive.

Yeah. Let me ask you this. I mean, I definitely. Forrest, what's your general take on? Your life depends on it. You versus a beaver. Oh, it's not good. I would win, I think.

I think any of us would. But you're not coming out of that very intact. I mean, they are ferocious. I remember Jeff Foxworthy tells, do you guys remember a blue collar comedy tour? You know the story I'm about to tell? Do you remember? No.

No. No. You know that Joe come about to recycle? All right. So Jeff Foxworthy does this stand-up bit, and he's telling this as a story. It's not a stand-up bit. He's just telling it as a story. And he goes, I finish my set, and I come off the stage.

And this guy comes up to me, and he goes, I got to tell you about the time I lost my nipple. He's like, well, excuse me? And long story short, this guy is driving down a road at night, hits an animal. Animal veers off into the ditch beside the grod. Guy pulls over, he's like, I'm going to go get that and skin it and make me a hat. And goes down into the ditch. Picks up this beaver. Thanks, Will.

Good Jeff Foxworthy bull. Look at a shirt. Look at that shirt. Yeah. It's beautiful 90s material. Yeah. Picks up this beaver that he thought he had killed with his truck. The thing snaps back to life, lunges forward, and takes his nipple, clean off.

The guy, Jeff Foxworthy, he says the guy pulled his shirt up and showed it to him. He was nippleless on one side. His nipple was gone. And so that's from a beaver that's been struck by a vehicle that was able to do that in one foul swoop. So I think if these, yeah, go ahead, Ruchette. If these beavers are able to, are able to, you know, chew through four and a half inch diameters, metal steel casings, I wouldn't want to fuck with it. And I don't think I would win Forrest. I think I would lose.

Routap, look, everybody here knows you don't smash a lot of beaver. Okay, so there's no, there's no argument there. Like, we know you wouldn't win. You're kidding all day with this shit. What? That's funny. You guys planned this beaver on this. Forrest is in rugby mode.

He's really browing out already. By the way, I just wanted to mention my, you know, Forrest, you can't drink. So don't pretend you're going to be at the bar after the rugby today until two of them. Doing what? I'm just not going to do well. Yeah. Oh, God. All right, all right. But what's your point?

What is that is? That was your point? Yeah. Let's continue. We saw you after you peeps up there. There's some good stuff in the news. I definitely think we should dig into that. But I also saw some Brosner DMs, and W.T. Willie got real excited.

And he's like, guys, don't watch the Eagle thing. Let me show it to you. Have you guys clicked it? Have you seen it? Nope. I haven't watched it. Let's go. Well, I haven't looked at the show doc.

Yeah, I don't even know what it's all about. He just said don't watch it. He wants us to watch it live. So what did we, we used to call this a segment until YouTube started threatening to demonetize us. What did we call it when we did a video review? Darwin Awards or? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, Darwin Awards.

All right, let's see this thing, Will. What's it all about? So we've got a guy in a cowboy hat and a, I think a falconry glove when he's walking towards a pile of something. A pile of something. All right. So you got a lot of minivan. A bunch of cars in a field. Big field.

Oh, shit. It's a big golden eagle that just took down a kid? A human child? Oh, my God. A guy comes over on a, the Marlboro man enters on his horse. Oh, that was a golden eagle just took down a kid. Oof. The kid's, the kid appears to be like, okay, the kid walks away.

Okay, so. Did the golden eagle just try to take the eight-year? old like we discussed? Exactly what happened. Like we talked about. Dude, it literally did. That's insane. Because by the way,

before Forest weighs in on this because I've got some questions. So there's a bunch of cars out in a field. It looks like some sort of gathering. People are doing something. Some people are on horses. I would say that girl is seven. Yeah.

A seven-year-old human girl. Yep. Is just walking across the field, getting ready for probably to eat some potato salad or something. And a fucking golden eagle comes in about five feet off the ground, and it's flying horizontally right at her. And where does it grab her by? Just nails her right in the shoulders. She puts her head down.

It grabs her by the shoulders. And look at it, it tries to take off. It's flapping its wings. Right up. It really is. It is. She did the right thing there. She bawled up and went to the ground.

Dead weight. Dead weight, right? So the thing that scares me about that. And I is, you know, so Golden Eagles will kill coyotes. Like they'll take big, like pretty big animals, deer, everything else. And a lot of that is done by the impact of them hitting the Golden Eagle with basically, you know, four knives on either hand. They're big talons. So it's lucky that that's, what I'm seeing is that they were doing falconry here.

And this eagle was like, hmm, a tasty snack. I don't think this is a wild bird. I think that the cowboy guy with the glove was doing some falcons. But still scary. I bet she got torn up by its talons. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's got to be like a fucking nightmare. Yeah, how much damage would those talons do if they grabbed you on the shoulders?

Yeah, he comes in pretty hot. No, a lot for sure. I mean, he doesn't hit her hard. Do you see what I mean? Like when you watch this. He hovers for a sec before because he's confused, right? Here's almost what I think happened, right? This kid, it's a falconry thing.

This bird probably had some kind of little brain glitch where it was like, I'm going back to my owner, food owner. And then in that moment where it went food, you know, it kind of looked at this girl weird and kind of tackled her, so to speak. And then went back to like, oops, I'm not supposed to be doing this. And I think that's kind of what you're seeing here. Because if this was an actual predatory attempt, that girl would be shredded. You know, that eagle would have dive bombed her at 40 miles an hour. Talens would have ripped through her shoulders. He would have started pecking at her.

You know, it would have been really bad. And I don't think that's what we're seeing here. You know that guy started fucking screaming commands at that bird the second he saw. And that's like when your dog is doing something in the kitchen, you're in the other room. And then you come in and it's like, what? Oh, shit. And then it's caught. Because, I mean, dude, like the bird.

I've done falconry. I mean, not that I'm experienced at it. But it's not like your dog. You don't go sit. he'll stay. You know, you go out hunting with these birds and they just kind of go and do their thing. Well, right, but I mean, you said, though, that, like, it, like, realized it fucked up, and it didn't go full force on the kid. Why, I mean, why do you think that is? Like, just because it knows that. Yeah, like I said, I think there was a little glitch going on where it was, like,

going back to my owner, oh, food, you know, had like a little brain fart, basically, which, you know, animals do just like anything else, and that can cause a lot of trouble. But anyway, Look, if you're listening on iTunes, check it out on YouTube. We just played the video. It's pretty wild. She looks pretty sad, this kid walking away. Well, think about this, right?

The eagle kind of hovers above her, right? And it's got these sharp talons. So let's say I took a sharp knife, and I just kind of just did that and just jabbed you a little bit, right? Still could go hard. Four. Still might go in.

If I jabbed you as hard as I could, a Golden Eagle, according to the inner webs, can dive bomb at 150 miles an hour. Exactly. Yeah. Force equals mass times acceleration. Like if that thing came in at 150, probably could have killed her.

Totally. Rip to shreds. And that is how they hunt. Like the impact of those talons is really what does it. So she's lucky. It makes me think of, I don't know if you guys know this. I know Patrick you do because you were texting me about it.

In New Zealand, they used to have these birds called elephant birds, right? Giant birds that would walk around like ostriches. No, Moa. Elephant bird. Sorry, Moa. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Yeah, Moa. like a giant ostrich basically, a flightless big bird. And their main predator was an animal called a host eagle, which was a gargantuan eagle. Like think of an eagle that used to tackle 10 foot tall ostriches. And that's how big they were. And when the Polynesians first settled New Zealand and they became Maori, they were like, we got to get rid of these things, right? So it was kind of a twofold.

One, they would attempt to hunt the host eagles, but two, they were eating a lot of moa. So the Moa dropped off and then the Host Eagle went extinct. But there are tons and tons and tons of story and legend, but factual story of Host Eagle actually taking Maori children, which is pretty crazy to think that there was not very long ago. In our time in human history, there were kids being eaten by eagle swooping down and taking them. Flying into the sky with a bird.

Nature is brutal. And if you're out there hunting these eagles, Eagles, they have every right to come and decimate your fucking tribe. Yeah. Fuck off humans. True. Yeah. You're on a standard.

For those who have never seen one, there's some pictures on the YouTube here. Wingspan of 10.5 feet. Holy shit. Standing, just standing up three and a half feet tall. I mean, they are massive. That's literally the size of a child, of like a, of like a, what, a three, four-year-old vertically. And then the size of two grown.

of a vehicle. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's crazy. Well, that was cool. Well, that was a good find on that video.

We had a couple other Brosner DMs that came in. You know, there's... Who sent that one? Oh, just quick. Give him a quick shout. Dr. Crypto Naturalists. That's right. Ah, sweet.

Thanks, man. It is a pretty fun name. There's another one that floated all around the internet today. It's worth bringing up. I have seen it. I don't know if you guys have yet. It was sent to into us by at Eric Horley-Shinn, I think.

And it is, I mean, like, somebody get David Attenborough on the phone because I don't know what the hell's going on here. You know, like, you guys got to see this. It's absolutely hysterical, and we won't play any more videos for those listening and just talk about them. But this one, this one is a little bit mind-blowing. I have some idea. I have one theory as to what happened here and why this happened. This one, so this one... Have you seen this for TEP?

What's going on? I haven't seen it. to Estra-Tep. What are you seeing? All right. So it looks like, it looks to be a seagull. And on top of the seagull is another, it's flying, one seagull in full flight. And there's another seagull just standing on top of that one in midair. Literally riding it. No wings open. Isn't that hilarious? Just standing there and riding the back of this thing. It's hysterical. I mean, I just think it's so funny to see a seagull just standing perfectly stationary on top of it.

buddy while its buddy does all the work flying. I think it's hilarious. What's your theory, Patrick? Okay, so here's my theory. So the seagull that has the other one on its back, right? The one that's flying, it doesn't flap its wings once in the entire clip. It's riding an air cream. I noticed that.

Yep. Yeah, yeah. And so here's my thought. These seagulls are a couple. Okay. And the wind was so extreme that day that they were having trouble controlling. themselves in the wind currents. And so the Seagull

did whatever it did. And the other one's like, oh, what if I get on your back? Then we can get up to the top of this roof because we'll have twice as much weight. That's my thought. I like that. You don't think that it's maybe that the male

seagull, the one that's flying is in the doghouse. And she's like, fucking, I'm just going to ride on your back today. I like that that's dad seagull down below. And that's mom Siegel on top. And she's like, you're such a fuck up.

Why aren't you better at catching fish? Your buddy Jim just got a whole bag of McDonald's French fries from that tourist down the road. You're such a fucking loser. And he's just sitting there going like, yes, Sheila. Whatever you say, Sheila. And that's the conversation going on in my mind. And her name's Sheila. That's fucking French fries were blowing away harder than we are in the wind, you bitch.

I want to divorce. Fuck off. I got a question for you, broologist while we're talking about seagulls. Yeah. They all kind of look the same, right? Like, you know, you see some that are dirtier than others. You see some big ones, some have some more gray, whatever. Yep, I feel that.

So humans, I'm sure, to Seagulls all kind of look the same, right? Yep. Two eyes, nose, mouth, weird arms sticking down. Yep. But as a human, you know, you go into a bar. It doesn't matter if you're in Moscow or London or L.A. There are people that are just objectively hot people. Guys, girls.

Of course. gender, whatever, right? We can all agree that there's like a certain level of like, that's a hot, that's a hot woman, that's a hot guy. Of course. You can tell, right? Yeah. Do you think birds have hot guys?

Do you think that like seagulls and pigeons are ever just like hanging out on the beach in L.A.? And they're like, oh, God, look at that one. That one is yoked. Yeah. I do. I do think that. So seagulls, penguins. I'm not sure about pigeons, but a lot of birds, ducks are monogamous, right?

So they mate for life, which is pretty impressive. It must be with an ugly mate. Yeah. And I think, you know, what is marriage but settling for the best that you can do, period? You know, isn't that what marriage is? That's how it's defined in Webster's, yes. Yeah, right. So, you know, I think what, I don't think it's quite like, we walk into a bar.

Actually, it is the same. Let me lay it out for you. You walk into a bar. You see a beautiful girl, all right? What do you notice about her? Tell me, tell me, just, it can be in your own eyes. But what do you notice about her? Symmetry and their general form, what the body looks like.

Fit. Fit. Very short. Nice hair, beautiful eyes, you know, a good jaw line, whatever it is, right? It doesn't matter what the features are. That's what you notice and that's what you find attractive about her. Now, the same thing goes for Seagull, right? What's happening is your brain is getting wired to go, ooh, good reproduction.

That's a good mate for me. Well, that's a good picture. Your brain, when you walk into that bar, is wired to go, oh, that's a good mate to reproduce with. You know, she is fit. She's got a good jawline. Her hair is healthy. She's not too skinny.

She's not too fat. Whatever it is. But your brain looks at it and goes, this is a good thing for me to replicate with. This is how I should share my genetics. And I think in the bird world and all animal world, pretty much, that same things happens. It's like, oh, he's nice and plump. He's healthy. He's got good sheen to his feathers.

She's got, you know, nice fat around her legs or face, her eyes or whatever. That's a healthy bird. I want to mate with it. And, you know, just like in the animal kingdom, I think that, you know, when you look at that dime piece in the bar and start walking up to her and then you see fucking Jerry G.Q sit down next to her, you're like, well, there goes that idea. I think the same thing happens in the animal kingdom, too. It's funny. It's funny because I was just going to say, so then what's your theory?

And don't answer this because you just answered it. So what's the theory then on people who are more attracted to people who wouldn't traditionally be less, who would be less attractive? And I think the answer is that Jerry GQ has come and taken all of the, what the, is that your peacock? Is that your,

I'm closing. They're awful. Guinea fell for the hard L. That's a hard guinea file. They just, they just fouled it. How's it look? Describe it physically. Is it wearing underwear?

Does it have a nice sheen? I mean, that's got a, that's got a sec, though. Like, think about for a rhino, right? Yeah. How does a male rhino, what is its number one status thing that's going to make female, maybe, a female? What's a female? Is that like a moil that does? For a rhino, it's big horn, right?

You got to be fat. You got to be rotund. You got to have a big horn. You know, you got to be healthy, dominant. You got to be able to physically dominant. any other rhino to show that you're the best, which also means you're the best protector and can dominate against other predators. Yeah.

So think about, let's extrapolate that out to humans. Imagine if your dick was on your forehead. Oh, yeah. It's just putting it all out there. So two out of a thousand male humans have a condition called micro penis, which means that your erect penis is one and a half inches in length or smaller. talk about this so much when I was in college. It's hysterical.

But yes, please continue. If you're a rhino with micro horn, you don't get to put pants on. No. You don't get to win someone over with your personality first before you then go, I'm fun. I took you to Hawaii. I got a great house. But there's this other thing.

It's just on your forehead. Yeah. Because the truth is, and this is like this is probably going to upset people, especially our one in 2000 listeners that have a micropeen. The truth is you're not supposed to reproduce. Like, genetically speaking, that's a deformity, right? It's the same thing as if a bird is born. Bro, we're getting canceled.

I'm just telling you from a biological standpoint. It's the same thing as if a rhino is born with a giant tumor on its neck or a third leg or missing a limb. It is a deformity that means you're not supposed to reproduce. That is the truth of the matter. Let's break this down a little bit. I mean, having a large penis is it. in humans is not necessarily the best way to figure out if somebody's going to be a good mate.

In fact, having too large of a penis hurts some women and it doesn't fit and they don't like it. Having a nice average-sized peen is more preferable to many, many women. Because we have a different concept of survival than rhinos do. So I think what Forrest is saying is that Microhorn has probably already been naturally selected out. or they will never reproduce. Exactly. Versus us who, you know, as long as you have functional sperm, there's other things that then help you be a better mate,

which are, you have a good job, you can provide housing and food and stuff like that. If Jeff Bezos had a micropenus, I'd still marry him, okay? Because you would, yes, of course. And that is our society has changed what survival means, right? as an intelligent being, survival is having affluence. It's having money, right? That allows you to survive better. So that overcomes any physical attributes.

There's personality. There's all kinds of things that play into that nowadays. But in the animal kingdom, those things go by-by very quickly. Yeah, of course. They're much more simple than our complex, dumb, dumb human brains. Even though we are idiots and terrible. Well, that was fun. I'm not sure how we got there from a seagull riding on another seagull's back, but that was...

Hey, it's still animal-related. That's true. Eminol. It is aminal-related. Pumped him, animal. All right, Forrest. Yeah, go ahead. Number one on the show doc.

Yeah, that's what I was about to get you to weigh in on this. Literally what I was about to get into. I was excited. Well, I was just going to say, we've circled this several times with different shows and things we wanted to do. A woman in Indonesia was swallowed whole by a snake. What kind of snake do you think it was, Forrest? A python, of course. I can be more specific if you'd care.

A reticulated python. They are notorious people eaters. So, okay, contrary to Ice Cube, was it Ice Cube that was in the movie Anaconda? I think it was. Yeah, I think it was. Contrary to Ice Cube's biggest hit, the movie Anaconda, snakes don't actually eat people very often, right? You don't go to the Amazon and get eaten by Anacondas or Africa and get eaten by rock pythons.

But, but, but, if you happen to live in the wild jungles of, of Indonesia, the Philippines, parts of Southeast Asia, and happen to be kind of small in stature, say like a young Indonesian woman, it's not a good place to be because there are giant snakes. They're called reticulated pythons that unlike their cousins, the anacondas or certain other species of pythons, are extremely aggressive and spend their life

hunting and eating large mammals like wild boars. Now, we probably all know this, including Peter. Wild boars get to be like wild boars get to be like 200 pounds, right? I guarantee you this girl wasn't 200 pounds. So if a python is out there crawling out of the trees, hunting and eating 200-pound boars, you better believe your 98-pound girlfriend is on the menu

when she goes out into her field at night in Indonesia. Crazy. Yeah, she went out to go check on her cornfield. She lived on Moona, or Muna Island, off the coast of Sulawesi, left her home Thursday night to visit her cornfield, which was a half mile from her home. She didn't come home.

The village put together a search party and found between her house and her cornfield a 23-foot-long reticulated python with a very suspiciously swollen belly. They killed it, cut it open, and she was inside. Is that it? Will just brought it up, yeah. And it's funny.

So look, Indonesia in the last 20, 30 years, I even less so in the last 10 to 50, has become very modernized, right, in the sense of everybody has cell phones, everybody's always texting, like there's great cell phone coverage in a lot of Indonesia. So these stories are getting reported. You go to places like some of the remote islands in the Philippines where there are pygmy tribes like the IAida. And I would wager that these accounts are happening like once per month, minimum. And you'll never hear about it because you're talking about a tribe of people don't have cell phones, don't have access to TV or. media, have nobody to tell. It's just everyday life. And with regards to the people in the Philippines,

the IAida, they're pigmies. So like a tall, a tall person is like five foot tall. So the average person's like four eight. You're totally on the menu for these gargantuan snakes. And as long as you see it coming or whatever, it's no big deal. But the thing is, these snakes are so incredibly silent and cryptic and stealthy. And once they grab you, that's it. I mean, it's wild. I don't know. I'm always fascinated by people being eaten by snakes because it's just something that doesn't really happen that much. What would it look like? Describe to me, you know obviously as a herpetologist, what does a 23-foot python do to get you and what's your window to get out of that? Let's do a little survival with forest here. You're walking. It's evening. What happens? How do you

know you're being attacked? What's the snake doing? And what's your best bet to survive? Fantastic question, actually, because I don't think most people even understand. understand this. You look at a snake, right? You go to a zoo, go to a pet shop, whatever. You look at the ball python in the Petco tank and go, that thing can kill me if it's huge. It's like a lazy lump, right? So these are not pursuit predators. This is not a cheetah. It's not going to run you down in the savannah and tackle you. Okay? These large snakes are ambush predators. So what that means is, and this is one of the amazing things, they know what's going on. They study you. They study your patterns, they study game trails, they go, hey, if I sit here coiled up and waiting

in strike position, like a ready spring, I know that something is going to come down this trail, whether that's a wild boar, whether that's a peter, it doesn't matter. And if it's the size that I can eat it and not get injured, I'm going to go for it. So in a pile next to a game trail, arguably, and it's really hard to explain how cryptic these animals are. I guarantee you all of us have walked by thousands of snakes. We never know we're within five feet of us because they've just laid motionless and they're so good at blending in. And even a 23 foot long reticulated Python is like this. So beside a game trail, beside a human footpath, there sits the snake. It's coiled up in strike mode. And what that means is it's sitting like a loaded spring ready with its neck drawn back

and curled, ready to strike. You step in front of it, you move in front of it, and it lashes out. do me a favor and pull up a picture of python mouth or reticulated python mouth or inside of a python something like that. And what you get is this giant mouth in the case of a reticulated python, you know, like bigger than your two hands put together. I mean, huge, you know, huge. Like two two really large books put together opened up, right? Lined on either side of that is hundreds of recurved, needle-sharp teeth. Recurved meaning they curve in backwards. So once they latch on to something, if you pull forward, all it does is shred. It does not let go. Now, once they latch on, that's going to injure. You're going to get stitches. It's going to be bad, but it's not going to

kill you. What's going to happen? Try python teeth, Will, so we can show what that's what I'm trying to get at. And by the way, they can open their jaws to like 190 degrees, like you can see there. Once that latches onto you, that's not the end of the world. It's bad. Don't get me wrong. You've got these really gnarly sharp teeth that are recurved into you, but most people can survive that. What happens is once that animal has its teeth into you, it then uses its giant body, which is nothing but basically an elongated thigh muscle, to wrap around you. That is your only opportunity for escape. Okay. And I've caught big anacondas in the Amazon. And if you don't have a couple really strong buddies there that are competent that aren't going to panic, while that snake's

wrapping you up, they have to be unwrapping you. That is how you survive it. If you're getting bitten, Sure, that sucks, it hurts, punch the snake, hit the snake, whatever. Odds are it's not going to let go. What's going to happen, it's going to start coiling around you. And if you allow it to coil around you, every time you breathe out, it's going to cinch down. So you're going to go and you're going to get less and less breath back in. That's a nightmare. Until it crushes your rib cage, imploding your rib cage, and you asphyxiate and die most of the time by puncturing a lung.

Now, if you have a couple buddies with you who know what they're doing and they're not going to panic, they grab the animal by the tail and are constantly unwrapping it while it's wrapping around you. Like walking in a circle essentially? Literally a counter circle to what you're doing. And eventually the snake will get too tired. It will release and it will slither away because it cannot win the fight. But if you just fight back, you pun. I mean, sure, if you have a knife and stab it in the head or something totally.

But I'm just talking in the case of like you're unprepared. You know, you don't know what you get latched on. You've got people around you. Try not to panic. Have people pick up the tail. You spin counterclockwise to its clockwise and have everybody take the tail and start walking in the opposite direction. And it is bad.

They will crush your lungs, crush your rib cage. You will die of asphyxiation and then they'll swallow you up. Quick question. So there's essentially, go ahead. So there's essentially no way to escape this thing, though, if you're alone and don't have like a weapon. I would say. there's no way. I mean,

but it's not going to be easy. I mean, look, I don't know. What if you gouged its eyes out? What if you used your thumb and really targeted its eyes and you gouged both eyes out? Might it let go? Maybe, but the thing that you're not taking into account is the amount of time between when

it strikes, when it hits you and has that first coil around you, I'm making this up, but think one and a half seconds tops. And that's it. And then your arms are pinned against your side. So it's not like your arms are up over your head and you're able to fight. Like, you're getting, you're getting locked down and you're just stuck at that point.

And that's the thing is the strength of these animals. It's hard to explain. Like, I have dealt, so anacondas are strong. They're very strong. I've caught like 19, 20 foot anacondas. Will, you could even pull up a picture, if you'd like, of me with a big anaconda. If you type it in, I'm sure it'll come up. I've got some big, big anacondas.

And they're strong. Ritculated pythons are like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. compared to me right now in my 30s. Like, they're just so much more yoked than an Anaconda, and they're just so strong. You look a bit like Seth MacFarlane in that picture. Not to derail them. But anyway, yeah, so I think when it comes to a big reticulated Python, if you're pretty small in stature, there's not much you can do.

They're just too, too strong. So it grabs you by the leg, most likely, right? The leg, the thought, I mean, anywhere. The thing is, the way that mouth is designed. is it opens so wide and it's so it's the teeth there's such hooks that it'll just it doesn't even matter it could be that your shoulder your chest it'll get it'll get you yeah if you're if you're able to uh keep your arm out or keep your one arm out like would you would that be like advisable because let's let's face it i'm not going to be able to do much against one of these things

unless i have you and pat with me but would my first move be like i'm putting my fucking arms up and like trying to stay i mean i don't i don't i think you I think it happens so quick you don't even have the ability to think that way. But yes, I think getting your arms out so that you have the ability to, I mean, you could always, you know, I'm just guessing here because I don't know who's ever been faced with this. But you get your hands in its mouth and, you know, rip open kind of thing and try and dislocate its jaw. Yeah. Reptiles in particular are not really willing to take a bad beating for a meal. You know, they want to subdue you.

That's why they do the wrap-up. That's why a crocodile does a death roll, right? They want to subdue you so that you bleed out, you die, you asphyxiate, and then they can eat you in peace. They're not going to fight you to the death, like, say, a lion will or something. So when you start injuring them back, it's not worth it to them. They're not going to keep fighting for that meal. They're going to let go and disappear and know that as a snake, they can go another two months

without a meal, and it won't phase them. So, like, you know, if you can get a few licks in, do, I guess. but it just, I don't think you're odd so good. It's tough, yeah. I always find it interesting these incidents where people get eaten by snakes. We've talked about one before, I think. But so the snake then just goes and basically takes a nap, like 25 feet away. And then they're found by like the villagers because they can't move after that, right?

More or less, yeah. I mean, so they asphyxiate you. Then they detach from you completely typically. Always go head first. They never go feet first because they totally understand. how like your body. I'm not kidding. They know how your body works and they know that if you get an arm mixed up, they're not going to get it right. And then they open up their mouth and slowly swallow you. And that takes between the battle, the striking, the asphyxiating and then the eating, that takes up

for a cold-blooded animal that's energy comes from the sun, basically. That takes up all of its energy. So then by the time it's got that big meal down, you know, it typically like a big, large snake doesn't have the energy to go very far to lie around and digest. It has to go somewhere, coil up, and start the digestion process. And it's not traveling right far. It's exactly how I feel after a

big Taco Bell meal for sure. I think it's how everyone feels after Taco Bell, because you get snow. Yeah, no shit. Quick question for us, we're in Indonesia. We're filming. We see a reticulated Python. Are you going to try and catch it? 100% every time. No amygdala. Well, here's the thing, Peter, and Brozner's.

We don't have a team of snake handlers with us. Sure now. We're in the Amazon, and Forrest jumps out of the boat and suddenly has a very large anaconda, and it finds himself needing help. It's camera and sound people and producers that now have to get out of the boat and help him, who have no idea what they're doing. Every time. We saw it's worked out so far.

I think we just did a daily video where the one where Forrest was in the, what was it, like a little forerunner thing or something. Oh, yeah. And it just completely fucking flips it with the sound guy, the cameraman inside. Those, those, that production crew, man, they really got balls to go out there with you. They take a beating for sure. Yeah, no, my very first time in Indonesia, I went there just to see Komoto Dragons because it was the number one thing since I was like six years old. to go and see Komodo dragons. So I went to the island of Komodo.

We did all of that. I think I've told the story about the fire carol thing and how I got all jacked up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the day before we left, we were on Bintang Flores, the island next to Komodo,

and I met this little village guy, and he was like, there's a huge snake in this back cave. And I was like, no way. And he's like, huge. Like, one of the biggest snakes in the world. And I'm like, let's go find it. And here's just,

it was literally just me and my girlfriend, like, trekked like five hours through the, jungle, steep, super shitty jungle, and came into this massive cave, like massive, like huge. You know, it's like one of those, like, something you see in like a King Kong movie where like the mouth of the cave is like 55 feet above your head, you know, the top of the cave. And it was huge. And as you, as we rocked up there, there were just tens of thousands of flying foxes, giant

bats just coming in and out of the cave. And I was like, oh yeah, there's definitely like a prehistark snake here. And the guy's like, it's in the cave. It's in the cave. And there's me and this, this guy that I met. like his random buddy and my girlfriend. So there's like five of us. And I'm like, okay, let's go.

He's like, oh, no, I'm not going in there. And I was like, wait, what? Of course not. And he's like, I'm not going in there. Like, he's like, that's where the snake is. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I like, look at my girlfriend. I'm like, Jess.

And she's like, I'm not going in there. And I was like, oh, fuck. And so I just, anyway, long story short, I ended up nipples deep in guano in this cave. It's literally all that shit as deep as you can get. I'm waiting through this soupy fucking concocting. of bat poop, nipples deep. I am probably where COVID came from.

Nipples deep is going to be the new name of the podcast. Dude, it was brutes. It was so disgusting. It smelled so bad. And went like all the way back into this cave and found, I'm not exaggerating, a snake skin that looked like a sleeping bag. It was so fucking big. I mean, the snake was not in the cave or if it was, I didn't see it.

But I found a shed. And I'm not kidding. I'll see if I can dig up the photo and send it to post on the Instagram. I took the snake skin, I carried it back out, and I put it on like a sleeping bag. I mean, I got in the snake skin. It was so big. No problem. It's pretty fucking awesome.

I stood there, covered in that shit with the snake skin around my waist to take a photo. And that's how Patrick found you and was like, we need to do a fucking television show with your ass. Patrick was in the four seasons right across the street and I walked out and he's like, this guy, this guy. Exactly. I was enjoying a Mai Tai at the pool. You came in wearing a snake skin smelling a feces. I went, all right, let's do something, bro. This is our guy.

Oh, man. Yeah. Forrest. Something came across the desk here that is right in your neck of the woods, and one of your favorite spearfishing spots is affected by it, so I kind of wanted to get your take. I know where you're going with this. So we're not going to, you know, we're going to rant, but it's not going to be a bummer.

Yeah. All right. So some marine biologists were studying. A bunch of sea lions, right? Sea lions? Yep, correct. Yeah. A whole bunch of sea lions in Southern California were getting cancer and dying from cancer.

Between basically L.A. and where you live, Santa Barbara, and out to the Channel Islands, where you love to go lobstering and spearfishing, right? All the time. I was out of Catalina there. I was thinking about going tomorrow. So, of course, they're like some things in the water, some sort of chemical, some things, you know, upsetting the sea lions. So they do this big

Bethymetry scan of the bottom of the ocean there and they scan 36,000 acres of the sea floor basically right between Catalina and Santa Barbara. Yep. They find some barrels, what looks like some barrels of a man-made object. They proceed to find more and more and more of them

until they realize they have found 25,000 barrels have been dumped in this one. one area. So they sent some divers down. Take a look, see what's going on. Our ROVs. It's at like $6,000.

Oh, ROVs. Yeah. Okay, ROVs. All good. It is 25,000 barrels of the very, very toxic chemical DDT were unceremoniously dumped right between Santa Barbara and the Channel Islands. Yep. Discovered by my...

Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. It's the worst chemical, basically known to man. I mean, it was, yeah, oh, boy, where do we begin? Discovered by my alma mater, my alma mater, UCSB, which was kind of cool because, I don't know, that's where I went. But it's so fucked up, man. I mean. Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous. Okay.

Peter, when's the last time you saw a bald eagle? It's, dude, I don't have, I've never, at the zoo. Okay. zoo fucking, yeah. Do you know why you've never seen a bald eagle? Because you should. You know, there's fish in the ocean here in California. We have them.

They're not even that scarce. Do you know why you've never seen a bull eagle? A symbol of freedom, the American bird. That's right. Do you know why you've never seen one? I don't. I mean, I know that they're fucking rare nearing extinction. Because of that image right fucking there.

So in the 1970s, we in the United States discovered, I actually don't know that we discovered it, but someone discovered DDT, the chemical DDT. Oh my God. What a fantastic pesticide. All we have to do is spray all of our water sources with DDT, and that will kill all of the mosquito larva, and we'll have no more mosquitoes in California or anywhere in the United States. Not to mention, bugs won't eat our crops.

Nothing bad will happen. How great is this? So what we did is we decided to cover the blanket, the entire United States, basically, with this wonderful chemical called DDT. Well, only a few short years later, we figured out, hey, that gives us cancer. Let's not do that.

Then we decided to dump it in the California. Channel. But before all of that happened, what we found out was the DDT would kill the mosquitoes, kill the mosquito larva, that mosquito larva would then basically drop down into the water where the mosquito larva was from or the mosquitoes would go. A bunch of fish would eat it, right? Just as fish do. That's our natural way of getting rid of mosquito larva is mosquito fish. Fish would eat it. It would bioaccumulate in the food chain. So a mosquito fish would eat 10 mosquito larva, a bass would eat 50 mosquito larva, mosquito fish that ate 10 mosquito fish, et cetera, and so on. It would bioaccumulate. It's the same thing like with mercury, right? The same idea with that? Well, yes, actually,

with the bioaccumulation. Yes, going up the food chain. And eventually, what would happen was a bald eagle would swoop down, catch that bass and eat it, and the trace amounts that weren't that trace at that point of DDT would get into that animal system. And DDT was so harmful that all of the bald eagles from the, from the 1940s, 1950s, would lay their eggs and the eggshells were so thin that the, when they would go to sit and incubate their eggs,

the only thing they know how to do is parents, they would crush and crack the eggs. So our bald eagle population, the symbol of freedom, the thing that we as Americans associate as being the bird of America, we basically drove to extinction with the stupid

fucking chemical. So what did we do? Pretty fucking ironic. Let me just point this out. So what we do? We didn't go, hey, this is bad. Let's dispose of it responsibly. We're like, all right, cool. Yeah, this is not good. Let's dump it in the ocean. That'll get rid of it. The ocean's like a good place to lose shit. So we took 2,500 or whatever of these barrels. 25,000. Sorry, 25,000. They just discovered this. That we know of so far. This is just a minor amount, I guarantee. Yeah. And dumped it in the very ocean where we know it bioaccumulates up the food chain to the point of killing birds and humans and everything else. So the whole thing's just

fucking whack, man. Listen, listen, so on the, on the last video we posted, the whole thing about the, you know, them opening up, hunting for endangered elephants out in Zimbabwe, where you're from, and, you know, somebody commented on there, you know, America, America does the same shit. It's not the exact same thing. And this, this is a prime example. Yeah, I agree. Like, the corruption in the agreed, this saved somebody fucking tens of millions of dollars for sure just to fucking get rid of this and fucking dump it in the ocean rather than having to do it correctly and put it somewhere where it's going to go. Well, and one thing I found out in this article that Patrick brought up that I found very

interesting, the channel between Los Angeles and Catalina and Santa Barbara in the channel ons used to be the dumping ground. Like in the 1940s, 1950s, all of the industrial. waste, all of the garbage, everything that we would accumulate by, you know, developing California, would just be like, yeah, let's just take it like six miles out there and just right into the ocean. And that's wild that we, it wasn't that long ago that we thought that way. It's crazy. How does it happen that, like, that you can look at something like a beautiful piece of nature,

something that's just like fucking perfect and natural and pristine? and us shitty humans are just like, eh, whatever, let's just throw our disgusting, literally we know that this fucking kills everything that it touches, basically. Let's just fucking throw it right in there and not give a shit. Here's a weird fucking thing, man. So DDT was invented in the 1940s by an Austrian scientist. It's spread all over the world, right? Okay.

Yep. DDT was banned for use in the U.S. in 1972. 1972 was the same year that that dumping ground was closed down, where we said, no more dumping here. So in the same year that we said, no more dumping, somebody went out and dumped 25,000 barrels of a chemical that had just been banned. Right. So that makes me think one of two things.

Either the legislation came out and they went, holy shit, let's get rid of this DDT, just got banned quick. Yeah. Get it. We got rid of quick. Yep. Right. It's fucking preposterous to think about how that all happened and the tens of millions or hundreds of millions of dollars that were at stake.

The second point is, you guys have heard of rare earth elements, right? Yeah. So it's these very hard to get to elements that are found very deep within the earth that are incredibly useful in our modern electronics. They're in our iPhones, our TVs. They're very difficult to extract because they occur in such small quantity. and really deep in the earth. 95% of rare earth elements that we have accessible are mined in China. What do you think the reason is?

Because they don't give a shit, I mean, they probably are, they don't give a shit about the environment. Exactly. They're just doing whatever they can to get to it. I mean, I don't know the specific methodology, but they're probably just, that's like legal, go for it. Yeah, mining rare earth elements is incredibly destructive because you have to tear just so much earth apart to get a very small amount of it.

So even in China, where they mine most of the rare earth elements that all of the companies that we enjoy use, you're not allowed to fly over those rare earth element mining sites because they don't even want photographs taken of them, right? They have no environmental regulations. How much fucking DDT do you think is dumped off the coasts of China? Right. Or into rivers or lakes? Yeah. Not only currently, but let's say whenever they banned it. It's like there's probably millions of barrels of this.

shit that are being dumped into the ocean over there. Not to mention in Zimbabwe, where I grew up, DDT was still a legal chemical. So agriculture, when I left the country, was still the main, farming was the main source of income. I think maybe second to tourism, but it might have been ahead.

DDT was still the preferred thing. Literally, where I grew up, crop dusters would come by and spray our crops with DDT. That was like, that was how you, like, I would look out of the window from our farm and see blankets of DDT being sprayed over the crops. Like that was a normal thing in my childhood. Well, I mean, this is why you have,

you have fucking environmental impact studies and all these things that are done. But at the same time, like, it has to be this balance. It has to be in the middle somewhere because when that goes too far to the other end, it fucks up the economy and other shit. So it's like either way, like there's never any balance. Everything gets shifted one way.

Like, look at California. It's impossible to do certain things because of all of the fucking permitting and all the things you have to do. But then, so what happens, dude? People just fucking completely fleece it. They fucking go throw all this DDT in the ocean or whatever. You know, they skirt the law. They do it in different ways.

So, I mean, dude, it's fucking whack. And it's worldwide. And this is why we're all fucked. For real. This is why we're fucked. Not to villainize China. Last thing I want to say about it, I just find this interesting.

It's interesting. We banned it in 72. They banned it in 1983, although it was still widely used until 2000 in China. But China still manufactures DDT for export, which is sent to Africa. Yeah. Which they use for malaria control. Which it's still being used, like I said, where I grew up today, which is pretty wild, all things considered. And we have a bird called a fish eagle.

Yeah, go ahead. Quick positive note on that. They just finished a clinical study that. That showed for a vaccine, I believe, for malaria, that's like 77% effective or something. Bill Gates. Didn't Bill Gates do it or funded or something? I saw something like that. Well, look. I'm not sure who, but here we go. Hopefully the DDT gets up. Okay. Look. Yeah. Peter. Yeah. Look. Listen. Listen, look. Settle.

Shut the fuck up, Peter. Fuck you, Pat. All right. You're going on about how terrible the laws are, how awful. why we just break them. And I know because you don't do it on air, but you get really annoyed when you have homeless problems near your house in L.A. They're breaking the law.

And so tonight, we have something we're going to do. It's a little... Bata Royal! Oh, an angry one. Is that German? Christ. And here's the premise.

Here's the premise, okay? You're homeless in Los Angeles. Oh, great. All right. I knew this would get you fired up, Peter. You're homeless in Los Angeles. Perfect. Okay.

I love homeless. I don't have a problem with homeless people. You're homeless in Los Angeles, all right, and you've got to survive there. But you only get three animals to live with you. They're your only three friends on this earth, and they are your protectors. Who do you pick? Okay. Now, here's the kicker.

They have to fit in your tent with you. Ah, there you go. Love the kicker, mate. Yep. Do you have to be native to... And we can assume... We can assume that they're fully trained and they're not going to attack us, right? That is correct.

That is correct. Okay. So you do have to take into consideration things like if you do pick a large animal, they have to live in a tent. Correct. So like, you know. Correct. So going to look, I want a cow for milk. You're going to share a tent with a cow.

Get out of here. You're not. You're not doing that. So you got to be. Just stomp you in your sleep. Yeah. You've got to think on your toes here. And because I can see Patrick's already Googling, I'm going to make him go first for the snake draft.

Let's go. It's a snake draft, okay. Sure. Well, I'm not going to worry so much about procuring food right off the bat. Because, you know, there are quite a few programs that distribute food. One thing that I would like is protection. It's rough out there on the streets. You know, I lock my doors at night.

I'm very lucky zipping up a tent, not quite the same. So I'm going to pick an animal that will fit in my tent, provide warmth and cuddling at night, and a lot of protection. I'm going to pick a honey badger, which also has the bonus of, you know, you're getting food, you're getting, you know, whatever the government's helping and handing you out. They're not giving you a lot of condiments. So it will protect me, it will cuddle me,

and it will also go out and raid beehives and bring back honey. Very good. So you can make mead. It's right. All right, Peter, you're up next. All right. I'm going to go in a slightly similar vein. I definitely want a companion because, you know, being homeless would be brutal.

And people are looking down on you, frowning on you. I am going to pick myself a fucking wild bobcat because it is a feline and they're basically like a cat, but a little more vicious. So, I mean, if somebody comes up to my fucking tent and sees a giant fucking. fucking looking house cat that is vicious to them, but not to me, because it will cuddle me and I will pet it, and we will love one another.

Okay, okay. So, Bobcat, got it. All right. So, yeah, a giant 19 pound bobcat. Yep, okay. Okay. 19 pounds? How was that giant? What? You said it was giant when they come up and see it.

No, it's scary. Giant domestic cat. It looks like a giant domestic cat is what I said, you meager, ugly little fuck. Wow. Okay. Moving on. All right. So I'm up.

I'm going to go first, or I'm going to give you my first pick. I'm going a different route. Although I do think protection is critical, I'm trying to survive on the streets. I'm not trying to survive. I'm trying to thrive on the streets, on them streets. Yeah. Okay? So here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to pick something real sneaky. Okay. My first pick is a mandrill. Do you know what a mandrel is, Retep? No. That blue-faced baboon, Will's going to pull a picture of one up in a minute. And here's why. Because if you take a baboon, you put him in a black hoodie and you put him on the corner,

he just looks like another guy. You don't know. But that second that I want that mandrel to go get me something, he's going to pop that hoodie off, he's going to bear those fangs, he can steal anything, and you're not going to do shit about it. I am going to be stealing stuff left and right with my trained mandrel baboon that's going to just come out of nowhere. He's going to walk around on the streets in a hoodie. You're not even going to know he's there. and then that's going to come out.

He's dexterous because he's a baboon. He's going to go steal stuff. Is that the same kind that stole your iPhone when you were? No, that was a Southern African baboon different. Look at those teeth, baby. Oh, boy. Yeah. So I've got that going on.

How big is your tent for us? What do you have, one of those house tents? They're not that big of an animal. They're not enormous. I mean, I'm not going to quote their weight because I don't know. But, you know, look, that's just, you're not going to know. And when the police come to raid, you're going to put a hoodie on him, nobody's even going to know he's there. You're going to be fine. So mandrel baboon, first pick,

great thief. Yeah. Yeah. Very aggressive, very scary. My second pick, who has to live with myself and my mandrel, is, hmm, let's see, just in case. So here's the thing. As a homeless person, I still want companionship, you know, and although I have my mandrel baboon, my guess is he's going to be a little testy, probably not the best cuddlebug in the world. So my play on companionship is, it's different. It's not the I Want a Cuddly Puppy. Instead, I'm going to get a mouse lemur, an adorable, tiny little nocturnal lemur

that I can walk around the streets of L.A. with. And because all of the women that I've ever met in certain parts of Los Angeles don't know the difference between a dog and a cat, I have no doubt that they wouldn't know the difference between a mouse lemur and a very cute chihuahua, they think it's adorable. I'd marry probably Paris Hilton and move into her mansion because I would have a mouse lemur. That's good logic.

Yep. Then I wouldn't be homeless anymore. Look at that thing. Look at that. Ritap. Look at it. Look at the mouse lemur for a second. It's very cute.

It's so cute. It is. Good God. This will be controversial because you two are assholes and always glad hand and pet each other's asses. But I want real companionship and potentially to start a family and have my child play in professional sports. So I will be bringing my girlfriend with me.

She's an animal. There's animal. We're animals, humans. Oh, come on. We're in the Mimilia animal kingdom. Woof. So I will have my wild bobcat, my girlfriend. And then finally, I grew up yet.

Not how that works. Still doesn't know. I forgot. I'm in the middle. I forgot up in the middle. I know how it works. God, I hate you. All right.

So I've got my protection and my condiments covered with my honey badger. You're gone. Now, the next thing I want to take care of is I've got to find a way to just get myself some cold hard cache to get out of this scenario that I'm in. There's a very famous Instagram influencer named Doug the Pug. It's a cute pug. They put sweaters on it. Doug the Pug makes millions of dollars a year for his owners with his quips and calendars and things he sells.

Well, he doesn't. The person that runs. That's what I said for his owners. So, yeah, but I mean, if you want them, you're not going to be able to do anything. What I'm going to do is I'm going to have a pygmy slow Loris. Now, this is going to work threefold. One, they're nocturnal, so am I. We'll be up together, tons of companionship.

Two, I'm going to start small by basically doing one of those things on the street where you can take a picture with my cute slow Loras and, you know, give me five bucks for it. Look at that thing. It's pretty damn cute. Yeah. Right. I'm getting five bucks, ten bucks, enough to buy a cell phone, an iPhone.

Once I have enough for that, I'm going to start an Instagram account, put cute little sweaters on my slow loris, and make millions. I will be living in a beachside bluff in Malibu within two years. So I've got my honey badge

or my slow lorris. They're well trained. I'm going to sort of tear a page out of her Tep's book. I'm going to take a domestic cat named Lemley, who has been my companion for 12 years.

Could never abandon Lemley. She has to come. Live in the tent with me. Not going to be super useful. No, isn't it? She's a terror at night. She is fully nocturnal as well. I will not get a lot of sleep

sleeping in a tent with Lemley, but that's good in my trail. Or the honey badger. That's true. All right. Tep, you've got your girlfriend and your bobcat. What's next? All right.

So finally, just, you know, It can get, it can be rough being homeless, especially in L.A. There's a lot of controversy, people fighting. I think things, I think a civil war might happen soon here. I don't really know. But if I'm in the tent and, you know, things just get too hard to handle. And you know what? I just want to end it all.

I'm just going to keep an inland Taipan in a cage. In my, in my tent. It's like a cyanide pill? I will smash it. open and it can come out and kill me, my girlfriend, and my bobcat. Wow. That's lovely. Morbid.

Yeah, that is just absolutely morbid. It's rough out there. It's tough out there. That's a beautiful thought. All right. Yeah, good for you, Retep. Let's just give me a call when we're done with this. We'll talk through a few things.

No, I don't have suicidal ideation. I'm just saying if I was homeless, I'd kill myself with a Tai Pan. Okay. Yeah. No, yeah. It makes tons of sense. All right. Okay. So in my tent, I have my mandrel baboon that I tend to dress up as a person so he can get away with crimes while he steals things. I have my mouse lemur that I'm going to use his girlfriend bait. Finally, in case none of my other two ploys work, in case my mandrel can't steal everything, he gets arrested or euthanized, in case my mouse lemur play just doesn't work because he's actually not as cute as I thought. I don't know. I've got an ace in the hole. Now here's the thing. It is going to be a crowded tent. But my third and third and third.

final animal is a southern Tamindua, and I'll explain why. Because if I'm going to live as a homeless person, I don't want to live in a 10th city. I don't care for that. I like space. I'm always on Zillow. I was on Zillow until 1.30 in the morning last night, looking at 10-acre properties in the

Carolinas. It makes no sense. I won't do it, but I was looking at them. And the reason that I'm getting a southern Tamundua is because it has the smelliest anal gland in the world. Think a skunk on steroids. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to take my little tent to do it. Just pay attention here. Pay attention. I'm going to set him out the tent and be like, clear the village. He's just going to go out there. He's going to lift up his tail. Just spray down all the other peeps. And although I'm living on Skid Row, I'm getting the nicest spot, the best view. I got no neighbors. You know, before you know it, my homeless encampment might even be worth a pretty penny. And that's why I'm going for that guy. I know for a fact that that won't work because I've passed many a tent that have human shit on all sides of it here in L.A. And people seem to just walk around it.

to not even notice. So that is a bad pick, sir. Aw. I thought it was very clever. Well, for those of you who are turned off by us theoretically making light of the ongoing homeless crisis, you know, that's sort of what you get on this podcast. We're not sorry. We don't apologize for anything.

It's a bit of fun. Don't be so goddamn offended by shit America. Yeah. Our brosters, our brosters aren't serious like that, though. No. No, I was forced into this battle royal. I'd just like to say. Pat picked it.

He wrote it. He really hates homeless people. He will never be homeless. Look. Hey, this was a blast. It was great. I had a lot of fun. Yeah.

I want to know what the brosters think. Way in. Let us know who would be your three homeless encampment pets and why. Let us know who won our battle. And Retep, where can the people find us? Go to the Wild Timespodcast.com forward slash info to find all the links to everything. the YouTube, the listen on Apple, iTunes, Google, everywhere you can listen to an audio podcast.

And then, of course, again, on YouTube, the Patreon will be up within the next week and a half, week, week and a half. And you will have more exclusive content, more stuff there. The link will also be there to the Patreon at the Wild Timespodcast.com forward slash info. Is that good enough? That's good.

Also, don't forget you can see more If you go to onlyfans.com slash the human potato, it is Retep's new onlyfans account is a beautiful, beautiful, very elegant page. He's trying to make a living. Don't judge him. Check it out there as well. Good night. Good night.

Have fun at rugby.