Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT 59 - Laura Zerra

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Hunter/Gatherer Laura Zerra joins us to talk about elk sheds, roadkill, and her favorite reality TV shows! You don't want to miss this one! Patreon @ https://patreon.com/wildtimespod All the links @ https://thewildtimespodcast.com/info Join our amazing Discord community of wildlife and adventure enthusiasts @ https://discord.com/invite/zzTxnrHnS8 WE LOVE YOU!

All right, wild times number 58. Here we are. It's me. Hello. The producer, Patrick. And the other guy with the big beard and the long hair and the hat, and he's usually pretty angry. He's at a disco tonight.

The brofessor Retev. What's up, pal? Hey, man. Happy to be here. Forrest looks much different than normal tonight. I know. But I love it. He's way better looking.

It's the hair. It's the hair. She let it down. The voice is different, too. We are joined. Forest is in Africa doing some thing that he won't tell us about because it's for TV.

It's so secret. I know. But we're joined by Laura Zara, who's been with us before. What's up, Laura? I'm just sitting in a pile of antlers, but life is good. How have you guys been?

Great. Pretty good. It's been a while. I think, what was Laura on, like, podcast number 20 or something like that? It was like 23 or 24, so like a good half a year ago. Yeah.

stuck with it. Solid. I love it. Thank you. I love the antlers. For people who don't know, Laura is known for being a very, a very serious survivalist

and a survival instructor. You've been on TV. You've done all this shit. Your Instagram's fucking amazing. You're pretty much, you just live in a tree, don't you? Pretty much. Yeah, like I live in that tree.

And sometimes I come back to like, you know, wash my clothes and put my antlers inside. so that they're not eaten by animals, and then I go back outside, because I don't, I'm not worried about getting eaten by animals, so. Tell us about the antlers a little bit. Oh, man.

What do you do with these antlers? I notice you're always, what do you actually do out there? I just love them that much, and I, like, give a lot of them away as gifts, and I keep a lot of them to look at, like, my favorites. But I don't, I don't, I very rarely sell them. If I was smart, I would sell them all and make a bunch of money, but I just, they,

you can't put a value, it's so hard to put a value on them, you know, because so many miles go into it and like so many toenails that I lose in those miles go into it. And like, I literally destroy my body out there, so how can I put a price on that? But it's just like, it's cool too,

like the stuff I see and experience on the way to find the antlers. It's kind of like, it's about the antlers, and it's also not about the antlers because, I mean, this year I saw two mountain lions, one within 15 feet, one within 15 yards. Wow. I mean, you just,

puts you in these places that you wouldn't necessarily want to go normally. And then the way that that unfolds is kind of like half of it for me. What did you do when the mountain line was 15 feet away? So he literally ran out in front of the trail, like right just like I was actually on a trail walking out. And he just ran right across. And he was kind of like where a creek was crossing. And I don't think he heard me. I think he was like following the creek and just jumped right out.

and I think he was way more startled than I was, and he just kept taken off. Like, it was like, it was wild. I actually got his tracks because it was really cool, like how forcefully he was running away from me. Nice. But it was like, so close. It was awesome.

It's kind of a lot. I mean, I've seen, I've watched so many mountain line encounter videos where the mountain line does not do that, where instead is like, oh, you're a threat. I'm going to follow you for a while. I guess I don't look threatening.

Like, thank God. Like, I feel like all the animals are like, what are you going to do? Did you have a bunch of elk, like, straps to, uh, racks, like, strapped to your backpack at that time? I had, I think, two antlers on my pack, um, which I feel like he didn't even see. Like, he, like, it was just, it was like, the moment that he came into my sight, it was just acceleration. There was no head turn, nothing, no pause. It was like, oh, shit.

So, uh, nooped right out of there. Nopeed right out of there. I didn't. This was, sorry. Go ahead, Laura. I was going to say I did hold awkward eye contact with the other one as my mind kind of like figured out what was happening and I actually had my phone in my binocular case and I actually had time to like take it out and turn it on because he just walked away like we held eye contact and we're

both like okay cool he turned walked away and through the snow it was like super blizzard way up high and oh shit so crazy yeah it was beautiful so I actually got footage of like the end of that but It was like, you know, the iPhones take forever to turn on. So I'm like, come on, turn on. This is so cool. He's right there and just majestic and beautiful in the snow. And that was pretty cool. That was in the mountains in, like on the border of Idaho and Montana, like all up in there.

I was just cruising all over the place. And I don't know if I was actually in Montana or Idaho at that point in time. Were you snow camping? It was great. I was camping in the snow. I wasn't intentionally snow camping, but I got snowed in for sure. I had to walk in through like waist deep snow.

I mean, there was just a lot of snow this year. Dude, it's my fucking, I have a real problem with my toes getting cold. Same. It's the worst. You know what? I wear these like booties

that are meant for water sports. You know, like like the, the booties that they barely have a soul on them. And that's actually what I wear because I had these huge winter boots that weighed like seven pounds and my feet were still cold in them. So I got these.

My feet are wet all day long, but they're warm. So I'm like, cool. No shit. That's an interesting tip. Yeah, because I got like, we did a couple real, real cold weather things. I've done a few. And the cold toes is always an issue. You know, especially when you're filming.

It's like you're on hour nine and you're like, there's a chance this is the time I get back and lose a toe. It's a concern for me. Yeah. So I got a pair of like the Arctic muck boots that weigh like the, They're super big soul. Totally. And they're ridiculously warm. But it's literally like carrying a 15 pound weight on each foot.

I can't do it. There's like no good medium. No. No, I'm telling you, my booties are like the good medium. They're amazing. And it feels like I'm barefoot in the snow, which is weird. But it's great. I love it.

I'll never go back. I mean, it's awesome. It's like when I stop at camp. Oh, I'm telling you. When you stop at camp, I just have like a pair of dry boots to put on. Because if you're not moving, then I get cold. but I can also keep moving all the time because I don't have wed weights,

lead weights on my feet. Wedlights? Hey, let me ask you this before we get into the what's in the news. So I follow you on Instagram. You're always off in the wild doing something, camping or whatever the fuck you're doing out there. Whatever. Looks like it's a lot of fun.

And then you posted pictures recently, parting your ass off in Vegas. Right, life's out of balance. I know. I mean, what is it like? Do you feel, because you spend so much time just in the outdoors and obviously a lot of time, probably alone out there, when you're all of a sudden in the middle of like a club in Vegas, do you, like, does it feel weird?

Or you're just like, yeah, this is what I'm doing now. No, I mean, talking to one other person is weird. Like when I come out and I just don't really know how to talk, even now I'm like, I don't remember quite how to use my words. Luckily, I spent the last week with a friend, so I'm like a little bit better than normal. But it is bizarre. But I like that because then I get really. uncomfortable and I'm like, all right, this is a whole new wilderness.

How do I do this? How do I fit in here? Because I know how to fit in in the wild, but like, how do I fit in Vegas? It was bizarre. But no, I love it because it just keeps it like, you know, it makes me appreciate people more when I'm in the wilderness and it makes me appreciate the wilderness more, you know, when I'm like partying in Vegas. Not because I don't love the people I'm with, but let me tell you, it can be a lot. Because you don't always get to choose the people human zoo. Vegas is just a human zoo. You're in the wild of humans. Great people watching.

Like, I mean, it's, I was lucky enough to hang out with some really great people there. Had I not been, I probably would not have fared so well. Was that like a fucking club of like survivalists? Because every one of, it was a group of girls and every one of you was

way more jacked than either me or attack. Yeah, I felt like I was definitely the least jacked. There's all these like amazing athletes like CrossFit athletes and athletes and they were just, I was like, man, I feel like I'm in shape when I'm out in the mountains and now looking at you girls, I'm like, oh, wow, my legs are tiny. Like, what's happening? That's what, that's like what guys do all day when they're at the pool. It's all we do.

We're like, man, I got to work on my this. I got to work on my that. My calves, man. Look at that guy. It's impressive, you know? It's crazy. It was like, is this normal? I don't remember what normal is. Is everyone like this? Oh, no, because then you just take a look around, you in Vegas and you see all these like 400 pound people that are just there to place slots and eat buffet. Yeah, that's very true. It's a cross-section of America. So people sometimes ask, they don't realize that in the world of television, we take a lot of notes from networks. And a big part of those notes on a new series is they will literally sit down a random sampling of 20 people in Vegas who do this, give them three hours of their time in exchange for a free buffet ticket.

And this gives them, because Vegas' people come from all over, they feel like this gives them a really representative sample of America and the people who watch TV. So we literally will work our ass off for months and even years sometimes to sell a show, trek through a fucking jungle in Madagascar to shoot the pilot, and then we'll get a pile of notes from 20 people in Vegas who wanted a free buffet ticket. Amazing.

And you have to change the show based on what those people think. And it's really how it works. It's so wild. Like, it's so wild. It's so stupid. That's why most shows suck. Is that why there's so much bad TV on? That's exactly why.

Yeah, because these people are just, like, too busy eating, like, I don't even know. What do you eat a buffet? I'm just picturing chicken fingers and chicken wings. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you said 400-pound person. Crab legs. Of course, I also love these things, so I don't know what that says about me, but I would do a lot of things for a free buffet. Dude, I did that for, like, a beer tasting for Guinness one time.

They were testing the, they wanted to test out the widget that they put inside the cans of Guinness. Oh, yeah. And like the questionnaire I had to take afterwards was like, how did the widget make you feel connected to the beverage at all? And all this weird shit. And I was like kind of tipsy. Yeah. You get all like philosophical about it? No, I was literally just like, I don't even know.

I was like 24. I probably just wrote some bullshit like, fuck off. asshole, I'm drunk. Yeah. No, it made me feel connected to everybody because I'm warm because I'm drunk. I just had four Guinness. Can I have another one? I'll answer whatever widget questions you have.

I don't have a ride home. I need to drink more Guinness. I can't leave. So we got a bunch of, we call our listeners the Brosners because we're clowns and 14 years old. So we got some great Brosner DMs this week that we should get into. Nolando 33 sent us a video. I don't know if you guys may have just individually seen this because it went around of a tiger that's loose in a suburban neighborhood in Houston, Texas.

I did see that. So on this one, I haven't seen it yet. And this guy is very calmly like, take your tiger inside. Is it that one? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he points a very small pistol at this tiger. Yeah.

He was way more calm than I would imagine with a tiger that was getting close to him if I remember. Just outside of a suburban development. Are we still experiencing like feedback from Tiger King? Is that what's going on here? I don't know. I mean, I've seen the stat that there's more

tigers in Texas than in the wild. I think it's just a very popular status symbol there to have a pet tiger. But somehow this tiger gets in the front yard, dude. No leash, no chain. No. There we go. We can see it now. Yeah.

The neighbors got his pistol in his right hand as he threatens his his buddy across the street. Get your fucking tiger inside. This is a real neighbor rivalry thing going on here. Where is this? Houston. Oh, Houston.

Yeah, man. I mean, everybody's strapped. He's got a holster on. I love this. I got to say, man. So the guy who lives across the way, he just, I just have noticed. So he has this massive, huge. It looks like it was

like bread on steroids or something. This huge pit ball. And the guy swear to God washes his car every day. And so he's outside in his driveway and this big mussely pit bull's always off leash. And so when I take my fucking skittish little dog out

front, the pit bull comes and stands on the edge of the guy's property and just stares. And it's occurred to me like I kind of want to kill this guy. Like he's infringing on me. I don't want to deal with your off leash dog. If it was a tiger, I would have just killed him. Maybe you just need to get a tiger.

Yeah. That's a really good point. I'm just saying. Probably could. Maybe they've just saved enough money to get a tiger. I don't know how much they cost. You asked though, if this was because of the whole Joe Exotic thing, they shut down like his zoo and then that other guy, Doc Antel's zoo, and that guy got indicted.

So I'm guessing that perhaps there is a flood of available tigers on the market. I mean, you know what better time than now to get a tiger? They're on clearance. Probably get one for $20. It says you can get one for about $7,500, a tiger cub. $7,500? Yeah. And I mean, I'm sure that it, like, varies per state what the, you know, like, license or restrictions.

But I just thought you had to have, like, a certain amount of facility cage. I didn't know you could just have one in suburbia. I mean, it could be an illegal tiger, I guess. I'm willing to bet it is. No. No, so listen to this. Texas has no statewide law pertaining to ownership of tigers or other exotic animals. The Big Cat Public Safety Act legislation, which was a federal law, Texas basically just said that you can't do this.

And so this is only three days old. We want tigers and we want them now in our house. It's freedom, man. Texas, we're the lone star state. We can do whatever we want. Nothing's more Texas than having a tiger. It really isn't. And no state tax.

Oh, yeah. Ed. E.J. D. Wynne. I don't know. Edge D.N. Set us a DM says, look at this nightmare fish that washed up on the beach in California this week. Yeah. So Will's going to pull this up. And we'll see if anyone can guess what it is.

Because it's pretty fucking freaky looking. Yeah, this is. Look that thing. It's an alien. It's terrifying. Does it have one of those little hangy things? It's the bait thing, whatever? Yeah.

That's what it looks like. Is it an angler fish? Do you know, Will? Did you find out? Gotta be an angler fish. It's got the angler. Is either an angler? Football fish?

That's not a real thing. Oh, yeah, football fish. Oh, yeah, football fish. A jet black bioluminescent football fish washed up on a Southern California beach. That thing, like, imagine you were just out for a casual snorkel, and that thing swims up to you. Dude, I mean, look at how just depth of the sea black it is.

You wouldn't even be able to see it. That's the crazy thing. Like, it looks like a victim of, like, an oil spill or something. Totally. It's crazy. Well, it makes it look menacing because it has no pigment, right? Or it has a lot of pigment. I don't know what it has.

And very sharp teeth that looks scary as fuck. And I'm a million. needle teeth. Yeah. Just imagine if whales were this color or sharks, and they were just floating around in the sea. Gigantically like this. Yeah, like imagine if this is what a blue whale's mouth looked like.

Yeah, that would be terrifying. That would be 100% terrifying. I know. Dead of night black. What's the scariest animal you've ever seen in the wild, Laura? People? Like the most intimidated. 100% people.

Vegas. Besides that last weekend's trip. Can't say humans. Honestly, I think the most scared I've ever been, and this is like having some gnarly experience with animals, but beavers? Okay, so let me just go back. So I was trying to, I was swimming.

I may or may not have been going sort of into a beaver lodge that I thought was abandoned. So I was really curious what they look like inside, and I'm like, I can fit, you know? And as I'm swimming in, I'm like holding a stick in front of me just in case it's not abandoned, even though I'm like certain it is and all of a sudden the stick starts to get pushed back. And I'm like, oh, I must have like hit it.

And I'm like kind of like fighting it for a second. And then I come back and I'm like, what's happening? And then all of a sudden this beaver comes out and just comes to the surface of the water. And it's like staring at me, right? And then it just submerges. Like doesn't like slap its tail. Like it is not scared to submerges. And at that point I thought I was just, it was going to be death by beaver.

It was like, it was oddly intimidating, you know? It was this furry crocodile that was just like sinking. to bite my femoral artery. That's what I felt. I mean, that's like the beginning of a horror movie, basically. It was his confidence that really threw me for a loop. Like, so much confidence. And I'm like, there are these adorable little things.

She wants sticks, right? Great. No, no, no. Like, this thing was terrifying in that moment. And I was really worried. You get a 70-pound beaver smack in its tail on the surface of the water? That's an intimidating animal.

Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you. It's just, yeah, yeah. You know, you're out of your element and you can't see this. Yeah, yeah, oh my God, I'm having flashbacks. Like, this is terrible, you guys. Like, put those teeth away. Just terrible teeth, too, that are just very frightening.

That being said, I do have a pair of beaver earrings that are, like, super fashionable. Like made out of the orange teeth. They're made out of the orange teeth, yeah. And they're like, you know, they're like a perfect half circle and they're like dangly and, like, super pretty. That's awesome. That's awesome. Pat, you were attacked by a beaver, weren't you? Yeah, this summer, I mean, I know I told the story on the podcast, but yeah, I had a beaver charge me in the middle of the night.

I was down on the bank of the Seneca Lake near Ithaca, and I was looking for this little baby duck that had been stranded during the day, but I was having a party. And so I was like, like, 2 a.m. I was like drunk, and I was like, oh, I should go like see if that duck is still there. And so I go down, and I'm shining a flashlight around, and all of a sudden I hear, and I look and I'm face to face with this big ass beaver. Right? It's like Blair Witch Projects. This is what I'm picturing right now. You know, like that like sketchy, yeah, terrifying.

And yeah. You go back into the house then, right? And then it's like, you know, you want to tell people what just happened? And everyone's like, yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure a beaver attacked you. Like, dude, I was 15 feet away. This thing was staring me down and I slowly backed away from this beaver.

I feel your pain. Yeah, like that's a real thing. I mean, how many of us have been attacked by a grizzly bear, right? Like, I've seen plenty of them. Like, whatever, I've never been attacked by one. How many of us have been attacked by beavers? Two out of three here? Come on.

Yeah, that means there's a lot more like us. Exactly. No, there's a lot of shame. Yeah, there's a lot of shame when you've been attacked by a beaver. People don't want to talk about it. I love that. Like you'd go in, too, and you'd be like, I was attacked by a bever, and they'd think you were lying.

No, they'd definitely think that you were not. They'd be like, a beaver, really? Yeah, they're going to make a beaver joke. Yeah. That's true, too. God. Yeah, it's real, though, man. They got a beaver after me.

There was one confirmed, a guy in 2013 in Belarus was making a little, his friend was filming him, a fisherman, as he sort of played with this beaver who chomped him, exactly as you said, Laura, severed his femoral artery. he died from beaver attack. Yeah. See? Pretty creepy. It's fine.

Watch out. So Z. Gristicky 21. So last week, Laura, we talked about an animal mystery of this very strange animal part that someone had found in Sweden. All right. So Will's going to pull up the picture. I mean, that also reminds me of a beaver foot now that we're talking about it. Wait, does it really? Beaver's a crazy feet.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm looking at a bit. So what do you what would you what would that be your guest then Laura? Do you think that's a beaver foot? I mean it's hard to see is there like just crimpled crinkled webbing I can't talk today Um neither can we I don't know like from this it's not very big it's small but they do have like creepy nails and if the webbing is kind of decayed between the toes then That kind of looks like a hind foot of a beaver to me but... You are correct. Am I?

You are correct. Ziegrestiki, he said that is definitely a beaver foot. And then he went on to give his reasons of why he knew that it's a beaver foot. But look at that. Who the fuck? Forrest, what did Forrest think it was? He didn't know, right? I think he did guess something like that.

But there was a wager made that if this was not Photoshopped, I would not eat Taco Bell for a full year. So I... Oh, my God. Dude, you're going to lose so much weight. I think, yeah, thank God. I think, but now that you mentioned that it's a beaver foot, yeah, that's definitely could be a beaver carcass.

I totally thought it was just a Photoshop bullshit. Like somebody put some weird thing on this, like, monster foot. Yeah. Well, the first time I ever saw Beaver tracks, I was really freaked out. And then I actually had this dream, like, when I found my first 70-pound beaver, I was like, I was like, I was telling, I feel like I was just telling the story. Did I tell you guys a story? I want to make a beaver bikini

and I want to have the hind feet of the beaver and I want to hollow them out and I want to make webbed gloves for swimming because the hind foot of a beaver is the same size as my hand. Okay. So can you imagine how fast I have these little feet? So if I had like webbed beaver hands, I would be able to swim as fast as a normal person.

That's my theory. Well, also think how cool, like how much attention you would get at the pool in Vegas. Right? I would obviously wear it there. That's where I would debut it. Yeah. Just have a daquiry

and be a feet on your hands. Absolutely. That's a good idea. I've been talking about for years. I feel like this is a sign I need to make it happen. I would say this. Let's have you back on podcast number 88. And if you haven't made the beaver bikini,

yeah, you're in big trouble. People are going to fucking control you. That's fair. Now I'm accountable to do it. All right. All right. Chris J. Roach, he said, I've wasted 56 hours of my life

with your podcast and all the YouTube videos. Wish I could waste more time, but your Patreon isn't up yet. Well, Chris, it is now. So he said, I'm a wildland firefighter, and I really want to know, Retep versus six raccoons in a fight till death, who would win?

That's a really good question. I'm glad he picks six. Six is a serious number. Five, I feel like you could handle. Six. Do I get any weapons? Just bare hands, huh? No, it's like, dude, you're in the middle of a garbage dump,

and you get surrounded by six raccoons. I mean, my first intuition would just be to run away. So, I mean, if I could get away? You can't. Does it count if I get away? Like, you know, like if I just get away from it? No, it's a fight till death in an enclosed space, dude.

Cage fight. Cage fight. I could destroy six raccoons, dude. To the death, if I'm going to die, I'm going to fucking, I could just be ripping heads off, paws. There'd be fucking legs everywhere, tails. I mean, I would smash six.

Six raccoons. Are you kidding me? They'd be dead. I mean, I think if we changed to six beavers, I would 100% say no. I think maybe with the raccoons, God, I mean, I feel like this just needs to happen so we can see for sure. Because I'm kind of 50-50. Well, we got a treat for you because. Yes. To the death.

I got six raccoons right here. I'm going hard, fucking no, dude. The raccoons would smell. Like, you would be bleeding. Wild animals are so, I swear to God, I think a squirrel could probably take my domesticated 65-pound dog. Wild animals are so vicious, man, and ferocious when they want, when they need to be. Because their whole life is surviving. They don't give a shit, dude.

They don't care about pain. You would be, you'd be fucked. I think two raccoons would take you out. Nah, no way, mate. I think six baby goats would be terrifying. Like, it's just, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Look at how friendly they're waiting. They're just waiting. I would just be like baiting them with non-existent food. Like I do with my dog to like and then throw it that way while I take care of like one or two of them. And then, you know, one of a time. Using your human brain. That's right. The only tool you have.

I imagine they'd be attacking me like villains in in like movies attack the good guy. Just one at a time. One at a time. Right. Did you just kick them like soccer balls? By the way, are those raccoons? Did someone leave a box of fruity pebbles out for those raccoons? What are they eating there?

What are they doing? Man, so there is a guy who started out on Periscope, if you guys remember that. It was like the original TikTok or whatever. And he has been around forever. Now he's on YouTube. He feeds raccoons outside of his house. He's like an old man. I think it's in Pittsburgh.

And the guy just gets copious amounts of like hot dogs or whatever. And he goes out there and he just is feeding. And I think that his top rated video has like 2 million, probably more, probably like 10 million now. And it's just him and 24 raccoons because they're so used to it now. They all just come out and he feeds him like hot dogs. There he is. That's the guy. Yeah, I watch.

I was going to say he's on a bench. I feel like it's like 20 minutes long or something, isn't it? Like there's a really long one of that. I feel like I sat for 20 minutes and was like, this guy loves his raccoons. Yeah, man. And they just keep coming. when he goes in to get more hot dogs and they love, look at how fat these raccoons are, by the way.

You're telling me I couldn't beat one of these. These things are domestic as fuck. Those are domesticated. Yeah, like, what kind of raccoons are we talking? Because these guys definitely are going to have a heart attack trying to attack you. It is not hard to train a raccoon, man. If I go outside tonight and find a raccoon and feed it a hot dog, I guarantee it will be back the same time tomorrow.

100%. I used to feed a marshmallow. I was probably, probably didn't really check the rules on that when I was younger, but they, they can be really, you know, they can be really gentle if you, if you gain their trust, but, you know, you cross them and you're in trouble. When I was in college, I had this really kind of fucked up friend. His name was Doug, and he, one time... Doug's always the one, man.

Doug is all... I've never met a dog. Yeah, I can't trust the Doug. We had this front, this front, like, sunroom porch thing on a house that we had, we lived in. And we were getting hammered. It was like three, four in the morning. These raccoons kept knocking over our garbage cans. And Doug came up with this plan to trap one in the sunroom, right? So he literally pretends he's asleep on a chair in this sunroom and leaves the door open and put some pieces of, I forget what it was, like hot dog or bread, it was bread,

into the sunroom, right? And he, the fucking raccoon, it comes into the sunroom, and he gets out of the chair and he slams the sunroom door shut, and the raccoon is fucking terrified. It goes into the window in the house. Now it's in the living room where my buddy's dad is there for parents, we can sleeping on the couch, and it just runs in a circle around the room over my buddy's dad

and comes out, back out into the sunroom through the window, and dude, it was fucking scary. And Doug's like, I'm getting a knife. And I'm like, no, you're not. We're opening the door. And that fucking thing is getting the fuck out of here. Yeah, if you're getting a knife, that means you're eating raccoon for the next month. You're not killing that thing.

He got out of there, man. But I remember he's just up in the corner. He's panting. He's hissing. Yeah, you're right. I could definitely not take six raccoons on. That was terrifying. Just one.

Yeah, they're so nimble. They are. They are. He was like hanging on. onto the ceiling. I swear to God, I don't even know what he was hanging on. Just wood. It's a ceiling fan, like a gremlin. What is he doing? Crazy-ass

fucking rodent. Well, dude, that picture of the raccoons eating fruity pebbles made me think of something, and I wanted to surprise you, Retep. Laura, this probably won't be as meaningful to you. But we had a podcast where we counted down. We'll do it later. We play a game where we

just list our top three favorites of something, and we did a podcast about cereal. And I said, said the number one cereal of all time was a cereal called Fruit Brute, which was, you've heard like Count Chocula and Booberry? I've heard of Count Chocula. So it was one of those monster cereals. So it was a fruity monster cereal that also then had marshmallows.

So like imagine fruity pebbles with marshmallows. Frost with like Lucky Charms? Like Lucky Charms style marshmallows? Yeah, exactly. Discontinued in the 80s, right? Discontinued though. So. Yeah.

Well, one of our brosuners, Dawson Lennar, procured a vintage box of fruit brute. What? Which, like, there's not that many left.

They go for a lot of money on Etsy. He mailed it today. It is on its way. We are going to have a vintage 1882 box of fruit brute that we can, when we're all together, do a live taste test.

Oh, my God. It's fantastic. Laura, too? What could go wrong? I know. I feel like you've got to send me like two, like pebbles and lock because

we'll mail you a little zip lock. Yeah, mail me a zip lock. And so we'll all die together with that. Like, really old cereal. I don't think you can get salmonella from marshmallows, can't you? No. Maybe just, I don't know. I'm going to do it.

Well, they're going to be poisoned because I'll tell you what. You gave just a random person your address and they're sending you food. I gave him the address of the Wild Times legal team who has a post office box because I I keep about my home address, even though I'm sure Dawson's a great guy. So anyway, that's on the way. Nice, man. Well, I appreciate that. I cannot wait to eat that cereal in a jacuzzi with you in Forest and Laura.

Laura, what's your favorite cereal of all time before we move on? Oh, God, cinnamon toast crunch. Yeah, it's pretty much. Everybody. It doesn't matter. I know. It's so good. How can you even move past it?

You get the cereal? Yeah. And then you get the milk. You get the cereal and then you get the milk. I don't even have it with milk. No. I'm not a milk. And that's probably why I like it so much,

because I like putting, like, a square on my tongue and then, like, rubbing all the cinnamon sugar off with it. Nice. And then after the cinnamon sugar's gone, you still got to crunch the, you know, weird little square. So, yeah. Fuck, yeah. I made cinnamon toast crunch

milkshakes the other night. Serial. I actually steeped a bunch of whole milk in a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch. You infused milk with cinnamon toast crunch? Yeah. And then. And then.

And then. I mixed it with cinnamon toast crunch brand ice cream, whipped it up, and then put a little bit of cookie butter in it. See? Blended? Oh, my goodness. You missed an opportunity for a serious alcoholic beverage there. I think you could have definitely added something in there. No, we did.

We poured booze in it. We poured spice drum. Yeah, of course we did. Sure you did. Good, thank God. Spice rum in there? Yep, Captain Morgan's like. It's nice.

It's delicious. What did it? I mean, so it's like, compare it to another alcoholic beverage. alcoholic beverage. That's like a white Russian, but more sweet and cookie-e. I mean, look, it was one of those things where great idea. You take a big plastic cup of it. We sat in the jacuzzi. By the time you're done with it, you're like, I don't even want to get out of the jacuzzi because I'm so bloated. I don't want anyone to see me because I'm disgusted with myself. Just drank 2,000 calories. All right. Let's get to the segment that the Brozner's come for. What's in the news?

Right on, baby. All right, we're just going to jump right into it. Since Laura's here, I thought this story was very appropriate. A woman was reported missing by her family. Okay? She was just found five months later. Okay. In Diamond Fork Canyon, Utah, she was living, she went by choice into the wilderness,

had no experience as a survivalist and was not much of an outdoors person. and spent five months living in Diamond Four Canyon, Utah, surviving on moss and grass, drinking fresh water from a nearby spring, and made it through a full winter. She didn't have a tent or anything. Had no gear. Holy shit. Sounds almost like a suicide attempt. It sounds like an incomplete story.

Like, what was really happening? Like, are there cabins in this area that she potentially could have been, like, breaking into and procuring food and didn't say anything about and possibly sleep? in like not not to like I could be totally wrong and this might be like the baddest chick on the planet and like I love that that's awesome but also as someone who has tried to survive on moss and grass you can't live for five months on moss and grass like did she have any food with her that like she had going in that she was like also eating because I mean you die from even if you have rabbits right and limitless supply like once your body eats your fat you can't just live on

things that sure sure you know so just moss and grass like five months? I mean that's what she said. So, okay, by the way, I fucked up a detail. When they found her, she was in a tent. So I take that part back. But they basically, yeah, she was reported missing. She's 47 years old.

They found her abandoned car at a trailhead 50 miles east of South Lake. For five months, it was just a missing person's case. And she was eventually found just in a tent camping. She made it through the whole winter. It looks like it's a nice shape. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Wait, tell us about the moss and grass thing.

Like what, it just, you couldn't eat enough of it to maintain your fat stores, you think? No, no, you wouldn't, you, not for five months. Like, you would be losing significant amounts of weight. In cold weather, you lose even more weight. There's just no, I do not believe there is any way to survive off of moss and grass for five months. I think that sounds insane. I don't think I could go two days. Yeah, I mean.

The calories you'd be getting from that would be so minimal and like you're not getting your complete like you know proteins fats carbs like What are you getting from moss and grass? You're getting very very little even if it's grass seeds, you know? It's it's not going to be enough to sustain you through even just laying completely immobile and going through the actions of breathing, you know and like having your metabolism go never mind Right. Walking around to gather more moss and grass I just that sounds super fishy to me and I'm glad she's okay

and maybe there's some details that are missing but like there seems like there's more to that story like maybe she started out with like four people and she just had to

you know eat them all I mean I'm with Laura there's definitely something missing here especially because she was found in a tent and it was literally

below freezing for several months and this woman like tried to disappear herself somehow and then like got fucked somehow. But she must have had food. There's just no way around that. I mean, sure.

Let me ask you this, Lord. So I've thought about this before. Let's say you are, because you teach survival classes, right? Sometimes. I'm like getting away from that, but I still do like certain survival training. Yes. Okay. So all the food stuff or all the like, you know, starting a fire,

all that building shelter aside. let's say you get lost, you're completely lost, and the weather's okay and shelter's not as big of a deal, and you know, you have some water, you find a water source, but you don't have anything with you. You don't have a knife. You're fucked, you know, you made a mistake, and you're in a bad spot, and you're really, really hungry.

What are some ways to get food without, where you're not a survival expert? You know, I don't know how to build an awesome snare. Right. What are some things to go after? Like, what? You try to kill birds with rocks? Do you climb a tree?

You get a nest? What do you do? Yeah, I mean, I think it's being opportunistic in that sense. But I mean, I think that human ingenuity, like, you don't need to know how to build a fish trap, for example. But let's say you have a tent and that tent has, like, a screen in it for, like, the window. You, like, unzip and there's a screen or the door or whatever. Like, taking that screen off and going into a creek and, like, using that as a net to catch small fish. Like, there's certain things that, like, you do not.

need to be some kind of survival expert to figure that out. It's really just common sense basic stuff. You know what I mean? So it's it's being opportunistic. It's it's being able to look what's around you and every situation is going to be different. But yeah, having like rocks available. I mean, I'm the worst throw in the world. Like I it's like one thing I just cannot do is throw well. So that would be really frustrating for me. But there's people with a lot better arms than me. Luckily I have the skills to get around that. But yeah, like throwing throwing things. And I also, I think it's one of those situations where traps are so specific that even if you

are a survival expert, certain ones work better in certain areas. And like some areas, everything that is in the book is not going to work. So it's just kind of like using your human skills of observation and brain power to figure out how to manipulate things using common sense. And I think that, because hunting is going to be a necessity at some point, in my opinion. Unless you have some, unless you're in Hawaii. and you have like coconuts and papayas and you know like survivor yeah exactly like if you have like some ungodly tropical beautiful paradise that you're in like you probably won't need to do hunting but for a lot

of places you're just going to need to figure out how to kill some shit right i'm definitely moving to hawaii fuck that yeah that way you know remember when you got lost for tepp when you when you when you got lost in palm springs a couple years ago what no did i what i what happen? Home Springs? When you thought you knew the way back and the woman you were with was like, no, we got to go this way and you got horribly lost in the desert. That was terrible, terrible. Yeah, it was a huge fight.

And the sun was going down. Neither of us. I have the survival skills of a person who lives in an urban area, which means I can drive my car to the nearest late drive-through window and buy something. Right. And we're like in this fucking, we end up on somebody's property that basically says don't come here or we'll shoot you. Oh, awesome. And I'm like, I told you we can't go this way.

And it's getting dark. And it was this huge hike we had done. And I'm just like, oh, God, we end up like in the middle, not the middle of the desert, but like in this desert area and the whole time just fighting, which makes it so much worse. Oh, God. That's terrible. It's awful. It was like an episode of naked and afraid, except neither person knew what the fuck they were doing. And we had shoes on, at least.

And you also had pants on, I hope, for her sake. I was making a joke. Fuck off. Yeah, for her sake. Exactly. Oh, that sounds terrible. It was awful. One of the things, like, I think I might be able to do because I get really fucking

hungry, I would definitely be able to, well, I would be eating things, and I'd probably die, first of all, because I'd just be super hungry, and I'd be like, oh, a mushroom. And I'd eat it and die. But, like, I feel like I could definitely, like, snake some eggs from some asshole birds or something. Like, I could definitely, that's what I'd be doing. I'd be looking for next. Yeah, you are a good glimers. Because you have those long arms, like an orangutan.

Yeah, exactly. You'd be the equivalent of the raccoon in the environment. Pretty much, yeah. I'll eat trash if it's out there. You're looking for junctures and eggs. Exactly. Exactly. I'm an urban, I am an urban survivalist.

Perfect. Well, this, another story that came out this week, very cool, an animal that we have talked about a lot on this podcast was filmed for the first time ever hunting. Think about it. We filmed everything. We've fucking filmed everything by now. We've never filmed a giant squid hunting

until now. At a depth of about super cool. Will's going to pull up the video. So here we have a giant squid. So the mantle, this is over 3,000 feet deep and researchers had placed basically

like a little bait trap with some They just look like crustaceans. I'm not exactly sure what they are. But the squid we're looking at right now has a mantle of six feet, right? So basically just the body, not including the tentacles. That's crazy. It's crazy that they actually caught one of these in the deep sea on, like with their bait. Like you would never.

Yeah, here we go. So there's the bait. What are those lobsters or like isopods or something? Those are those little, they look like little weird crayfish things. They're kind of big, though, because they're, That squid is like six feet, not including the tentacles, that's probably a 25-foot-long squid, right? Yeah, they look like little dicks with feet, actually. Can we talk about how crazy it is that people are scared of sharks in the ocean when there's like squids that are 25 feet long?

Oh, my. Dude, the deep ocean is terrifying. It's so wild. I mean, we know like 5% of what's in the ocean. There's football fish down there, for God's sake. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. So anyway, so there was two different bait traps.

This one has a jellyfish that's attached to the little bait station. You can actually see the jellyfish lighting up there. But what they said was cool about it was that the squid stalks the prey for six full minutes before it then comes in and takes it. It just kind of checks it out. It cruises around it. Spends six minutes stalking the bait before it would actually come in and take one. That is interesting. even scarier. Well, right? That sounds like a horror movie. We're going to name it six minutes.

And it's like, for six minutes, you know you're going to die because what chance do you have? And then... Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you're ever scuba diving down at 3,000 feet and you see a squid, you've got six minutes to get out of there. We know that now. We know that. Pat, do you think you could take one of these giant squids on by yourself? No, I know I can't take anything when I'm in the water. I mean, no fucking chance, man. I've almost drowned twice in my life. Like, I'm useless in the water. You got to get some beaver feet, dude, on your hands. Exactly. Kind of start business. No, like, dude, you get eight tentacles wrapped around you? I mean, we've seen videos on this show just of small octopus that envelop a scuba diver and polar

oxygen tank out. A squid that's 20 feet long, you're, it's not even worth fighting that. Just you're fucked. Like, do you think people would even bother going in the ocean if they were, you know, occupying the same habitat that, you know, surfers do? Do you think people would even, would surfing wouldn't even be a thing? Totally. No chance. I don't know. Crazy people like Forrest might do it just for the thrill.

That's true. That's true. He'd like bring out like, you know, some repellent suit or something with him and a knife. Totally. I was just thinking that. I'm like, it's definitely going to have like a suit. Then the squid are probably just going to accept him as one of them or something. There'd be a lot less douchebags, though.

Because you'd have to know how to fucking kill a six foot squid. I will say, I have seen Forrest. scared in the water once. When we were doing a shark thing, he was off camera. He was producing it. It was a long time ago with Laura's mutual friend, Andrew Euckels. And we were in off the coast of Florida, Jupiter Ledge, where we'd been swimming with bull sharks all day. And, you know, Forrest, he doesn't mind that.

He'll say, oh, they're really hot. Everyone be careful. But I'd never seen him scared. and I asked him to do something for me at night at this place Jupiter Ledge in the water that we just needed to get this quick shot. And he was pretty fucking nervous about it. And it was a very obvious like, he was like, no, dude, like I can't see them. Like, no, that's terrifying. So he has an amygdala.

It just isn't that active during daylight hours. I mean, if he doesn't know what he's doing, like, I don't think he'll, well, that's not true either. He jumped off like a 70-foot fucking free fall dive into the water that he didn't know what was there. He jumped through a waterfall. Pretty terrifying. Yeah, he jumped through a waterfall and broke his back in Thailand because he was trying to impress his girlfriend. Yeah. He does a lot of stupid shit.

I'm trying not to laugh, but because he's not here to defend himself. But that's, you know, that's a little bit more, a little bit worse than just not having an amygdala. That's funny, though. When he left to go on the shoot, I actually know what he's doing. doing, it did, I did occur to me because I know how he is and that he's going to be handling all sorts of venomous snakes and all this shit. I'm like, if he doesn't come back, do we just get like someone like Laura or like Bradley Trevor Greve to be the permanent? Like, who replaced, I thought about this. I'm like, who replaces forest if he dies? Yeah, I mean, does that make me a bad person?

No. And I'm already wearing, I always wear all black, so it'll just be in like morning always the forest, so it's kind of perfect. You're ready. Listen, he's not here and he'll never listen to this podcast, so let's talk all the shit we can about it. Oh, my God. So as we don't make you jump up a waterfall. I got to bring this one up because I know Retep,

you're going to be very excited. What do you think about UFOs, Laura? Are you a believer? I mean, I have a crop circle tattoo on my leg, so I'm for them. So have you been up on the news, like all the stuff that's been being disclosed by the U.S.

military? Because it's like everyone's like oh whatever no big deal it's you know after 2020 It's just like oh whatever UFOs of course It's so true like everyone's so just shell shocked that's just like whatever It's I know literally I never thought it from that angle, but it's very true It's bizarre no one no one really care it's not a big deal I that's the thing like I've ranted about this like this should be The biggest news that's ever happened Yeah

It's crazy Well something came out today and it's going to be covered on Sunday, actually on 60 minutes. 60 minutes, baby. Former Navy Lieutenant Ryan Graves will be interviewed on 60 minutes. He said he and other members of his F.A. 18 fighter squadron

detected strange, incredibly maneuverable UFOs in the restricted airspace southeast of Virginia Beach nearly every day for two years between 2015 and 2017. He said the sightings were so common that after a certain period of time, they just began to take them for granted.

But he said they had, it was similar to what we've seen in the San Diego videos. They didn't, you know, the craft didn't have wings. They didn't have a discernible propulsion system. They were maneuverable in the air. Then they would go really high up and they're like, okay, I think they're in space now and into the water, which is similar to what we saw in San Diego. So he's saying either, like Russia or China has some technology that's so much better than ours. that we can't even fathom it.

But like our laws of physics don't support what these craft were doing. And they saw it every day for two years. It's just coming out now. It's definitely, first of all, it's definitely not. It's alien craft, first of all. They're, they're, and the point that you just made about that nobody gives a shit right now just because of all the shit that's going on is kind of like really just like made a light bulb go off in my head. because they've been like slowly disseminating this information now for a little bit like a year or more.

And there's a guy out there. His name's Lou Elisando. And he is the former director of the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program in the United States government. So this guy's the fucking head of this secretive-ass department who's out there. He's been on Fox News, CNN, NBC. He literally is all but saying that the. are not craft from this

earth. So they're definitely like... He quite literally said that. Exactly. He said we've recovered craft that was not built on earth. With elements that were in it, metals that were in it that they don't even have on the periodic table. Yeah. So ridiculous.

No one cares. Yeah. It's like just not a big deal. If I tell my mom that, like I tried to, my mom and stepdad were visiting and I tried to talk to her about it. And she was like, Okay, that's great. So are you still thinking meatballs for dinner? Yeah.

Yeah. It's going on. It's crazy because people, you know, it's been such a conspiracy. You've been labeled, you know, conspiracy theorists for so long. You mean at the mention of the word UFO or aliens or anything like that, that it's like, you know, everybody's just like, yeah, whatever. Like, that's why, because everybody's just like, yeah, it's nothing. But it's like, so now nobody is paying attention to any of the stories that are in the, the mainstream news because they've been so conditioned to not give a shit.

I honestly think it's like by design that way so that they can get away with like, can we sneak that in there? Like, you can't get away with this and not have panic? All right, let's just slip it in and see what happens. They're like, well, that didn't, no one care. Let's put something else out there. What?

That's what they're doing, man. I swear to God, that's what they're doing. What's the situation with whatever is going to happen in June? We've like sort of touched on it, but I know you know a lot more about it. What's happening in June? Well, just so at the end of June, there's this report that's supposed to be disclosed to Congress from, from like, I forget if it's, I think it's the Air Force or the Navy. One of the, you know, one of the armed forces who has all this classified intelligence that they need to give like a briefing on all of this classified shit that they've been hiding from everybody for the past 70 years. And so nobody knows what's going to happen. I mean, and it's only being disclosed to Congress, but you can then, you know, people are obviously going to. FOIA requests the next hour that it's done and shit will be redacted and whatever. But, you know, there's going to be information in there.

People think that could be pretty fucking, you know, pretty groundbreaking shit. And of course, Laura, go ahead. Sorry. You would think, but what if no one cares? I know. I know. Well, I mean, because I spent a lot of time on the UFOs subreddit. Actually, I saw this great post and it's a little disappointing because I couldn't, I didn't save it.

But it was the guy, Lou Elizondo, if anybody can find this again, because I looked for like literally 25 minutes today before we were doing this. I knew we were going to talk about UFOs. But it's every quote that he said in like a comment and then a link. And it's like the guy literally is, he's definitely saying for sure, like without question in his, the way that he's saying shit in these quotes that, you know, that there's aliens. He's talking about, you know, he says stuff that alludes to the fact that we have souls and that this is just like a physical medium. This is the head of the aerospace technology guy, you know? And he's saying crazy, ethereal shit. Okay, so there's this, there's like one like real, you know, out there theory that that's, that giant step that we see in primates where they suddenly got much smarter and became humans.

Like there's one theory that like were a testing lab for aliens and they, you know, they came down and injected their DNA and basically created this place to like do like research on virus. It's, you know, pretty out there. What if that got disclosed in June? They're like, yeah, yeah, we are actually a cross between primates and aliens. They watch us and test their viruses on us. We've known this for 60 years. Will people care?

Right, exactly. That's what I'm most curious about. Would it change anything about what you did in your day? daily life, do you think? I mean, I just operate under the pretense that that's truth anyway, so. Yeah. It's better to do that. Yeah. It really

is better. Yeah. Well, speaking of... So wait, real quick, though, I want to get into it. One more quick thing. There's another theory out there, and there's a whole book on it. It's called, like, the law of one or something. And it's like, there's this guy

who sits down with this woman who's supposedly like who can do uh who can like communicate like with fucking other world or shit and uh basically she gets all this information from like an alien race and this is the very long book there's there's so much information she asked like they ask questions about everything like humanity and supposedly it answers everything but the theory that a lot of uh yeah the that's right ra is the name of the alien race that she contacts is this the pleities race or whatever yeah i believe so. I believe so. Not that I know anything about this, but... Right. So it doesn't sound like that. So she, she's, they basically answer and they tell her that, uh, the human race and humans and Earth,

basically, is a quarantined planet within the galaxy because we are not advanced enough. And she talks about different levels of, of all the beings in the universe. And we're so like, low that we don't have any control over what we're doing. So they look at us kind of like, and they just, just like watch us to make sure that we're not doing anything that's going to fuck up the rest of the galaxy. There's like a federation of like there's like a federation of different alien races and all this crazy shit. But it's like very specific.

But anyways, I spent a lot of time on the UFO subreddit and a lot of the peeps on there. They believe like that that's the, that's the actual theory that they think that. So it could be a mix of that. Which, by the way, everyone who's listening now thinks that you have. have a collection of tinfoil hats in your closet. But everything you just said... Listen, I don't care anymore. It's mainstream bitch.

I was going to say everything you just said also is no less bizarre than the theory of God and heaven and hell in the Garden of Eden, which if you believe that, you're totally cool. Right. Yeah, I mean, I just think it's interesting that we were actually quarantined before we knew we were quarantined. So, like... On this planet. Quarantine, like...

Yeah. All right, well, speaking of advanced techniques. I got one more news story. I really, I love this. So a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, very esteemed university, was going through some old archives from the 1600s and found a bunch of drawings

of cats wearing jet packs from the 1600s. What? Proof of aliens. Definitely. There's an answer to what this is all about. well, you could pull up some of the pictures, but it's all these like full-color illustrations that were done in medieval Germany

when they're at war with the Ottoman Empire of not only cats, but also pigeons wearing what appear to be jet packs. Just off the top of your head, what, I mean, how could, how could this happen? I mean, these jet packs didn't exist. I think they were definitely planning a secret, like,

I don't know, like they would go into battle. I'm assuming these look like battle cats. So I feel like. But what's up with the jet packs? I mean, you can't give a cat a jetback. Well, they were developing them, and they hadn't, they'd never quite made it. That's obvious to me. It's pretty close, actually, to what was really going on with these drawings.

So, these are great. Man, that's got, that cat better not fart. It's got a fucking hot ass flame coming out of that. That, I love how it's a pot that is just tied to the cat's back. Just loosely tied. Well, what it was was actually a guy named, These were the journals, part of the journals of a guy named Franz Helm, who in 1625 was a, basically like a ballistics guy, an armament guy that worked for the German military against the Ottoman forces. And so he had laid out a very detailed, like several hundred page plan of how they were going to strap pots.

basically these are pots and then they were going to light them on fire and he lays out the whole plan about how cats, when they're stressed, will go back to the place that they know. And so they were going to light cats with these incendiary pots on fire and then set them free

so that they would run into the Ottoman buildings and light the buildings on fire. That's amazing. I want to think about that moment when he was like, I got it. It's the cats, you know? And like, everyone thought he was crazy and he went back home and started making these

detailed drawings and it's so funny here's a quote this quote is it by the way right what you call it cats going into battle listen to this writing from 1625 this is an actual quote create a small sack bind the sack to the back of the cat

ignite it and thereafter let the cat go so it runs to the nearest castle or town and out of fear it thinks to hide itself where it ends up in a barn of hay or straw which will then be ignited oh my god This was their plan, man.

I don't think they did it. I don't think it worked. Can you imagine the whole course of history was changed by, like, battle cats? That's amazing. Awesome. I wish that this was part of history. They're like, yeah, the Ottomans were taken down by cats, man. Firecats.

With these pictures, everybody knows these pictures. They've seen them in the history books. It's like a mascot for all the sports teams. Right. The most influential drawing in the history of the world is Firecat. Fire cat. But it's got to stay with the tradition of being just a clay pot tied with like regular rope. With like maybe a clove hitch, I can't tell.

So what is, is that a battle bird, like a firebird? That's so they were doing with birds as well. They wanted to use pigeons as well. Pigeons, okay. That makes sense. I actually found that in like 10, like the 11th century AD that in some war that China was involved in, they used pigeon bombs where they basically would like put these

little pots on these pigeons and light them on fire and just like send them out towards the enemy. That's fucking crazy dude. It is brilliant because pigeons are gross. Which is amazing because like I wonder where the pots were made. They must have been sacks, not pots. Because I feel like a pot would really throw off the weight of the bird and wouldn't be able to take off.

Like you have to have it be like very lightweight. Yeah, these are sacks. It sounds like you might do this, Laura. It sounds like you're like, planning how to do this. I will neither confirm nor deny my battlecat plans. Retepp, what do you think? Do you think it's time for one of our games or what?

Oh, yeah. All right, here we go. Let's do it. All right, listeners, the brosters, they love it. It's their second favorite game that we play. Literally tens of thousands of messages this week saying like, please play this with Laura. So this game is called Top Three and DFL. which stands for dead fucking last.

All we do here is we list our top three favorite of something and then our dead fucking last. The worst. It's the worst of the bunch. Well, you can go last since this is your first time playing it. Perfect. This week's category, reality shows. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's a very popular thing. Everyone watches them. You want to go first or second, RETEP? I can go first. Okay, go ahead. What's your top three? All right. So my top show.

I watch a lot of reality television. So my top one is going, or my top, my third, I'm sorry, not my top, but my third pick is going to be Survivor because I love that show and I've literally been watching it for like 20 years or something. I've never seen it. It's a great show. You don't really learn much. It's more about the social game these days.

They used to actually have to survive. Now they get coconuts and water and they did not in the first seasons. So, but it's a lot of just backstabbing shenanigans. Number two is going to be another mind fuck social game. And that is going to be Big Brother. I can't believe that's not your number one. You love Big Brother. Yeah, I mean, it's gone a bit downhill over the years, though.

But it's still entertaining. And some seasons are just bad because there's a bad cast. But, you know, it's just a total. Mind fuck. It's it's it's it's like Laura said that the scariest animals are humans and what they turn into when they are just shoved in a room and competing with each other. Boredom is a real problem. Yeah, exactly. You behave poorly when you're bored. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. He'll be scheming and plotting for sure. And then my number one, just because I've been watching it obsessively now for about a year, and that is a 90 day fiancee and all of the spinoffs. It's the most ridiculous. concept in the world. People are trying to get into other countries so they need to marry a person within 90 days. And they're, I mean, they're like in relationships and shit, but it's just ridiculous.

Oh, there's Big Ed and Rose, dude. Oh, my God. Just Google Big Ed and watch clips. I feel like I've seen him in memes. Yeah, for sure. He's, he's probably like the most famous one because this guy went to the Philippines for this girl Rose who's about 30 years younger than him or something 25 years, that's her and look at it I mean he's like obviously completely out of shape

she lives in a hut in the Philippines and the first thing he asked when they get into her town which is like huts and a dirt road do you have air conditioning and it's just like he's covered in sweat and then he asked her to shave her legs and just all this weird stuff

I had a professor in college who I did like an independent study so it's like you go to them you're like can I do this thing for a semester and I write a paper and you give me four credits for it and he was like yeah and I kind of became pretty close with this guy

he was a mess dude he was like you know it's a professor at Cornell but he stunk like he was a problem I knew he would just be easy to work with he had done two cruises where you go on a cruise and so it's a bunch of dudes

You pay like 20 grand. You go on a cruise, and it's packed full of Russian women who want to marry in America. No, that really happens? Yeah, yeah. He'd done it twice, had two different wives from these cruises. One of them he had a kid with, and both of them, like, immediately, like, divorced him very quickly and, like, left and, like, took his money, and it was, like, you know, he crushed him. But he was, like, thinking about doing a third one. This is, like, 2003 I'm talking about.

So who knows? Maybe he's happily married. to a Russian woman now. That's like pre-internet too. So it's like now it's so goddamn easy and all these people are just meeting online. So it's a great one. If you haven't seen it, highly recommend.

And my dead fucking last, my dead fucking last is my 600 pound life because it's such a depressing show. Like a lot of times they can't do it so they can't get the surgery because it's unsafe. Like it's just all sad music. That sounds great, man. It's very depressing.

Yeah. So that fucking last is that show. Sounds intense. Laura, do you have your list ready? I mean, so I'm really stressed out about this because I actually don't watch TV, and I definitely don't watch reality TV, which is... Oh, shit. I haven't even seen all my own episodes.

Like, it's ridiculous. So... We thought it would be a good idea because you were on reality TV. Yeah, exactly. This is a good category. I did see a show once, and so I'm going to have to call it my favorite, because it was a show about, like, weird foot problems. Oh, yeah.

Yes, there's, yeah. It made me feel so much better about my feet because I'm always missing toenails and like my feet look like hamburger because I've walked so many miles are like blistered and like disgusting. And then I like, yeah, there's weird feet. And then there's this person's like, you know, I don't know, they have like all sorts of weird stuff going on. So people will send me, I actually don't even know if I've ever actually watched a full episode as much as people will send me screenshots and be like, at least these aren't your feet. And I'm like, you're right. Like that's so great. Like this poor person, you know.

like so it's a show on TLC called my feet are killing me yeah that's the name of the show genius title genius genius oh will turn it off we're gonna get taken down yeah look at this slightly better i'd show you my feet but no i'm not going to so that's your favorite make it an afraid let's just put that on your list no no no negative phrase dead last okay oh nice dead fucking last you gotta hear that story for sure controversial why is it dead last It's just dead last Yeah Talking about shows I would never watch

It just is I don't know Maybe it's because it's just You know Too close to home And I'd rather watch something about like You know people with bad foot problems Yeah

How many times did you go on? How many episodes did you do? Five What? Yeah Oh my God I thought it was like one or two No

Nash crushed Would you ever do it again? It's just not a chance Like this is often but it's like how many times do I do the same challenge like give me something hard let me go out there alone put me out for 100 days you're gonna keep putting me out for the same amount of time and like it's just like I got better I got like I love being challenged I love like being stimulated doing stuff

I haven't done so to keep doing the same thing over and over again I'm like I don't need to live groundhog day that's cool like yeah have you seen the show alone that isn't that a survival show yeah it is I have seen it it's just to me, I have more fun doing what I do. I essentially do that, but, like, that, to me is, like, it's kind of, like, camping.

Like, you get, like, 10 items or something. So that's cool. Like, that's great, but, like, I would rather just do it and, like, not have to self-film the whole time. Right. Yeah. I don't know.

I wish money motivated me because that'd be cool, but, like, I don't know. That one guy that burned his own, that one guy that burned his hut down is going to be pissed. He's probably going to call you out and be like, think you can do it? Come out here and do it. I burn my hut down. Come on out. Come out, Patty.

Let's go in the woods together. We'll see how it goes. Yeah. No. Laura has never watched the television. Yeah. It's terrible. It's terrible. All right. I mean. Laura, do you have any other ones or no?

I don't even know if I could name anymore. I think there's like a real housewives of somewhere, and that's not on my list. There we go. I should have made that my gun fucking last. Yeah, I'm sure there's, well, it's like some of the athletic ones, like the Titan games and the Ninja Warriors and stuff. Oh, there you go. Those are cool because they're like athletic endeavors where people are like legitimate, badass is doing like super crazy things with their bodies that I can't do. So that kind of stuff is super cool.

For sure. All right. Well, I'll do my list quickly here. I'm going to go number three, amazing show. each season has about 60 episodes. Love Island, UK. Available on Hulu. You look like a Love Island.

It is fantastic. It's just absolutely, it's literal like 19-year-old. They're all Instagram influencers in England that drink a lot, and they just put like 20 of them in a house. And the way it's structured is just so you can talk through it. You don't have to pay attention. And every season has like 60 episodes. So like, I don't know, it's just so injurably.

It's like beautifully mindless and wonderful and just awesome. Exactly. I mean, I feel like sometimes it just makes you feel better about your life too. You're like, at least I'm not that. It does. Totally. And I will say it's weird because one, they've done like 15 seasons of the show. 100% of the people who have been on the show within a month,

their face looks completely different. Like they get off. There's something weird about being. on TV when you're like a 20-year-old Instagram influencer, you see yourself on TV, and then you just drive straight to the plastic surgeon and just go, give me a new head. You're like new everything. Like Mr. Potato Head, like give me a new thing.

Yeah, it's so bizarre. Number two, similar to this, but the American version, just the good old fashion, the Bachelor. I've never actually seen it. It's good. It's not that great. Come on. Nah. Too long. Every episode's two hours every week.

Get out of here. Yeah, you fast forward through the commercials. Oh, wait. Wait, wait. Is this the one where they give the rose? Yeah. Oh, I watched. Okay, so I have seen an episode or two of that.

Yeah, you should get into it. It's terrible. I just didn't know what was happening. Yeah, that too. You got to follow too much shit in that show. Yeah. Well, it's very misogynistic. They basically take a, like, just a guy, put him in a suit,

and then, like, 25 women. in a house, they isolate them and play mind games with them. But they do it the other way around too, right? There's one where it's like the flip side where there's like a bunch of dudes and like one girl. So it's like, I feel like that's equal. It balances it out. Yeah, exactly. Number one, by far the best show of all time.

Maybe in any category, not just reality. There's like 30 seasons beat Bobby Flee. It is fucking great. Oh my God. It's on Food Network. They bring two chefs in. they compete against each other, and then whoever wins that has to compete against celebrity chef Bobby Flee.

It's just so good, man. How do you watch a cooking show without getting hungry and wanting to try it? You don't? That's exactly right. It's painful. See, maybe it's just like a bitter person. I'm just like, I don't like watching this because I'm like, I want to be part of the food eating.

Wow, you just got to do like Pat does and make a cinnamon toast crunch milkshake drink. Or you just sit down. and watch it with just a big plate of cheese in front of you. Oh, yeah, I can do that. I can do that. And then the worst show of all time, worst reality show ever made. It's currently on HBO Max. I'm pretty sure Christina's in the other room watching it right now.

It is bad for the world. It's bad for the earth. I hope the aliens don't see it because they'll destroy us. Oh, no. It's called The Big Shot with Bethany Frankel. Never heard of it. So basically what you have is this woman, Bethany Frankel, who like her whole character is that she's really mean to everybody.

She's just terrible. She's like a female Trump. Yeah. Yeah. Literally. Her backstory that they set up in the show is that she came from nothing, even though a simple Google search reveals that her dad is worth $100 million as a, he was a super famous horse trainer, and her mom's like a famous architect.

And the whole concept of the show is she needs to hire her number two for her company Skinny Girl that makes like Margarita Mix. And of course, the only way you can do that. hire a good vice president is to have a competition series where you bring in a bunch of buffoons to compete in challenges. Amen. Amen. Yeah. It's such nonsense. It makes me feel like a worse person because I literally can't even find words in my vocabulary that can describe how I'm feeling. They really portray the vulgar vitriol that's in my soul. Raw emotion. So everyone should watch it. I'm 100%. I feel like of all the shows, that's the one I'm most likely to like now watch.

So what are you going to do tonight, Laura? So you're at home in Montana. Yes. What's the plan? Like, what does a night look like? Well, actually, I have a friend of mine going over to another friend of mine's house, and it's like the world's colliding thing, so I was going to drive over there. But now I've had a couple glasses of wine, so I'm not going to drive.

And I'm probably just going to go run around with my dog outside somewhere because I've been working all day catching up. So I just need to go, like, run around my dog. Nice. What are you guys up to? Well, what? Pat, what are you doing? Oh, I got a big Friday night planned.

I already know that the disco is starting. Oh, yeah. It's sad about it. You know, I will do literally nothing tonight. I'm probably not going to leave the house. Typically, Friday night is like, eat pretty healthy during the week and then really look forward to Friday night. So, like, a lot of times it's going to be pizza night in the, in the Duluca household. And then open some wine.

Really start that going. I want pizza. Maybe I'll order pizza. You should. Oh, my God. I had pizza last night, but I'm going to do it again tonight, I think. Don't be a lame as Pat. I always eat like it's cheat night.

Well, yeah, when you burn 16,000 calories a day, Monday through Thursday, you're kind of allowed to do that. You have to do that, actually. Yeah, it's right, exactly. I'm going to bed just immediately after this. I've had a beer. I'm very tired. geriatric, if you will. No, I'm probably going to go on a little date with the girlfriend.

I got the disco started in here. Maybe she'll come up, have a cocktail with me after this wraps up. Maybe we'll take a drive out to the overlook on Topanga Canyon, eat some Taco Bell in the car. Your night wins. Yeah, that's right. Wait, keep going, maybe what? Maybe do a what? Maybe do a little French kissing. Oh, snap.

You have to look out. That's where you do it, man. That's where you go. At the makeout spot. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get murdered, though, for some. some weird reason, because I've seen it in too many movies. Yeah. I mean...

I feel like every serial killer in like the 60s and 70s, they just killed couples at Lookout Point. Yeah, for sure. That's how it works. But it's, don't worry. Like now there's aliens looking out for you and everyone knows they're looking out for you because, you know, and no one cares. Exactly.

It's different times. Not only are they preventing nukes from getting fired at, from us firing nukes at each other. They're also preventing me from getting serial killed at Makeout Point. I love it. Wait, but you're not going to make a minute. out after you eat Taco Bell. That's fucking gross, man. Before a deal.

I don't think that's gross. I was 100% make out of a taco bell in my mouth. Yeah. If you want to be, to be frank. So, if you're in Vegas next year and you are at the pool when Laura's swimming around with her beaver feet on her hands, bring her a Taco Bell Taco.

Yep. And that is the key. All right. Well, this has been fun, Laura. Before we let you go, we do have to do our final thing that we do on every podcast. You've done it once before. Forrest isn't here to do the drum roll. Ratep, could I get a little beatbox? Oh, he's solid. Battle Royale. This is where we throw out a ridiculous scenario. Then we do a snake draft, Laura. So in this one, you're actually going to go first because you actually have some expertise in this. And you get three picks. So you'll go first.

Retepp will go second. I'll go third. Okay. Here's the scenario. You've teamed up with a chef who has two Michelin stars. You're opening your own restaurant. It's going to be great. The interior's impeccable. The lighting's amazing. Beautiful mahogany bar. Antlers everywhere.

But the theme of your restaurant is that you only serve roadkill. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. You only serve roadkill. So you've got to pick. She's going to devastate us in this challenge.

An appetizer, a main course, and a dessert that will be featured on your opening night made only of roadkill from around the world. Laura, your first. And you can pick them in any order. You don't have to go, you know, dessert, any order, but no one else can use the animal that you pick. Appetizer, main course, dessert? Yep. Okay. My appetizer is absolutely, or no, sorry, my main course.

I'm really excited about this. It's definitely going to be pot roast porcupine. because it just not get any better than that. Like we're talking like a slow cook, like beautiful, just like fall apart, melt in your mouth, best thing you've ever eaten. So that's the main course. And let's see, for appetizer,

gosh, I would probably go with like little morsels of skunk that was paired, that was like, like, Oh, boy. Like, and I, like, don't cook fucking shit. So let me just put that out. But I would, like, pair it with, like, some, like, I don't know, maybe, like, cilantro. And because it kind of has, like, a weird spice to it. And I feel like you could really make it, like, just, like, a little, like, chunk of ground-up skunk, like, on, like, a cracker I'm picturing.

With some cilantro. It's a little zesty. Yeah. And, like, maybe some kind of, like, weird sauce. But I don't know what I'd make that out of yet. But, yeah. I feel like that'd be nice with, like, a. martini, you know, usually.

Yeah. Because there's a waiting list at this place. For sure. And you don't want to eat a lot of it because it's a strong flavor. So it's like a small little like, it hits you hard, but it's, yeah, oh yeah, it's spicy. Oh, wow. All right. I don't know if it's supposed to be, but it is.

And then dessert? Desert? I mean, I'm trying to think, like, I immediately thought about these coconut grubs that I ate, but they probably wouldn't get hit by a car. But they were really good. Um, for dessert, like a dessert roadkill animal. I mean, yeah, what can you do there? That's a hard one. Maybe like some like grasshoppers that I fried up in coconut oil and like put on top of ice. No, that's again. I mean, I feel like I've driven through a swarm of locust, but I keep going to bugs because, um, because bugs make a really good dessert. They do. It's like a crunchy topping.

I'm just going for bugs because you know what, I've hit the shit out of some bugs. And bug lives are still lives, and they're still roadkill. Yeah, you scrape them off your windshield. You make a nice, like, crispy, I don't know, maybe that could be the base of like a... A locust. Yeah, totally.

Or I'm picturing, like, I just want it on ice cream, kind of. Like locusts with ice cream, but coconut oil. And then maybe it can be, like, coconut ice cream. That's actually... I'm hungry for ice cream now. Yeah. All right. Retepp, what do you got?

All right. The dessert is really going to fuck me because I can't think of anything. But I am going to start off with my appetizer, which is going to be, I'm going to fucking take out a whole, whatever a group of raccoons is called. And then we are going to fry them up. That sounds vengeful. We're going to fry up, have some fried raccoon for the appetizer with a nice little dipping sauce. next to it. Oh, yeah. So it's kind of, this is more of like a guy Fierry style thing. Well, I mean, listen, they're the catfish of the land. So I'm assuming that they taste good. They're very fatty.

So I figured fried raccoon is going to be as good as fried catfish with a nice little dip and sauce. Maybe a, there we go. Right there. Look at that. Fried raccoon. I would eat that. It's a little 1,000 island type dip and sauce. Okay. And then for my main, and I'm assuming that there's a lot of roadkill versions of this, because they're rampant in Florida. I'm going to go with alligator.

Some alligator roadkill. People do you get alligators, yeah. Yeah, I would imagine. And I've had it before. I've had an alligator sausage, and it was delicious. So for my main, it's going to be alligator sausages in, you know, nice bun, maybe some fries next to it. Normally, your picks are ludicrous, but I'm actually quite interested in this meal so far. Yeah, I want to see where dessert goes.

I'm very curious. I mean, dessert, I think I'm just, God, I don't even know. It's going to have to be like, I mean, I'd like the element of the bug crunch that Laura went with. I think I'm going to go with like, man, I'm going to make a, God, this is going to ruin my chances of winning this. I'm going to go with a nice rabbit legs. The meat, though, is reduced down to a nice syrup that can go on top of a cake or an ice cream. And so reduced down rabbit leg meat over ice cream or cake.

With like a wine sauce. I feel like if it was like a chocolate ice cream with like a rabbit leg wine sauce on top, it might be a nice compliment. That's right. That's exactly what I was thinking. That's my thing. Okay, great. Okay, so far, that's, you know, that's pretty good, but I think it's going to be tough when my restaurant's right next door. Oh, snap. Yeah. So for your starter, you're going to start out. I don't know if you've been to New Zealand. Have you been there, Laura? No, just Australia. New Zealand has a tremendous amount of roadkill of an invasive species of weasel called, no, it's called a stout. St-O-A-T.

Oh, yeah. Stote. Yeah, so they brought them in to kill some other invasive species, and now the stote are a huge problem. I think I actually have a stout right there. Oh, well, there you go. So I'm going to be taking your stout, because they are every fucking 10 feet on the road,

there's a dead, flattened stout. So I'm going to make a nice Carpaccio out of its hind quarters. Ooh. Yeah, it's going to be served with some capers, a nice lemon wedge, Very thinly sliced, sort of a beef carpaccio made out of stout. Then I'm whisking you away to the roads of British Columbia, where five people are killed every year by hitting a caribou with their car. So I am going to take a caribou.

I'm going to do sort of a venison-style chili, but it's going to be served. It's a very fancy restaurant, right? So you're expecting it on a white plate. It's going to be served in a bag of fritos. So caribou chili In a bag of free It sounds delicious actually It's going to be spicy as fuck

It's going to pair nicely with a robust Big heavy red wine It sounds like something that they'd put on the Taco Bell menu as an experiment Right Then when you're thinking things can't get any better There we go That's what my chili is going to look like at this high-end restaurant Solid

$50 for that I would Sure Let's hear this fucking dessert So my dessert is, well, you've been to Australia. You're aware of the cane toad situation. Oh, yeah. Where are you going with this?

All over the roads. All over the roads. Big fat cane toads. Invasive to Australia. I'm going to take advantage of that bounty of roadkill. When you think of a toad, it's just kind of slimy, it's gooey. So I want to go with that, I'm going to turn it into a delicious flon. I'm going to make a cane toad flan.

Whoa. creamy, sweet, but with that slight taste of chicken that I've been told Toad's tastes like, which is gross, and people are going to not give the restaurant good reviews because of my dessert, but that's what I'm doing. Well, you can charge a lot for it because it's like the danger of, like, did you remove the sacks of poison well enough? So it's like you pay even more for it. So it definitely puts in with your high end.

It's like you can get puffer fish. It's that they like that. Yeah, exactly. Frog leg flan. It exists. What? What is that? That's amazing.

I really like the Carpaccio idea, though. I'm like a sucks for that. Sto parpoena. Yeah, that sounds solid. Well, if you find a Roadkill Weasel, Laura, maybe you could Carpaccio it and send us a picture. I feel like that needs to happen now. Dreams come true. Maybe tonight when you're walking the dog.

I know. I'm going to keep my eyes open. You never know. So, Laura, it's been a real pleasure. Where can people who enjoy hearing your various stories? find you. I really am the most active. Actually, really, I'm only doing Instagram these days,

and it's at Laura Zera. Z-E-R-R-A. Yep. Awesome. Well, so for the Brewsters, please leave a comment on iTunes, on the YouTube, vote for whose restaurant you'd rather go to?

I'm playing the role of forest, so I'll run them down. Do you want to go to Laura's restaurant in which you will be served little morsels of skunk on a cracker with some cilantro? followed up by a pot roast of porcupine, which actually sounds very good.

Solid. And then you'll be served coconut-crusted locusts over coconut-flavored ice cream. Mm-hmm. Delicious. Or would you like to go to a Tep's restaurant, which doesn't have a liquor license,

unfortunately. You'll be served fried raccoon with Thousand Island Dippin sauce, followed up by a spicy alligator sausage. Then you will be served reduced rabbit over a scoop of ice cream or cake, depending on what's available. That night, or you could come have stote Carpaccio,

followed up by a caribou chili, served in a bag of fritos, and a cane-toed flan. Let us know. Retepe, take us out. Pat, you did a great job playing Forrest's role today. Forrest should be back for the next app unless he dies in Africa. Laura, thank you very much for joining us. It has been so much fun. At Laura Zara on Instagram to find all of her fun.

and exciting, interesting stuff. She's a very interesting person, much more interesting than me. But if you want more of me and this podcast, go to the Wild Timespodcast.com forward slash info for all of the links to listen to anywhere. Watch on YouTube and check out the Patreon.

We put it up there. There's a lot of exclusive bullshit that she can get. And a couple extra podcasts a month. So check that out. That is just... The one thing you didn't even say, By the way, we haven't talked about this.

In addition to the bonus podcasts, they also get our other podcast. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I was just going to put it on the text copy. But if you want to, me and Pat did a podcast back in 2012 and one in 2017. We got about 60, maybe 100 episodes that we did. Nobody ever listened to them except for our friends. We were way ahead of the podcast game. They are so goddamn funny, though, dude.

I was just going back and listening to the first couple of I can't believe this shit. It is hilarious. We were much funnier than. Hidden gold. Old and slow. We're literally fucking just curmudgins now. We've been beaten down and jaded by the world. So if you want to hear us back when we still had light in our eyes,

check out the Patreon where we're going to have something called The Time Machine, I believe, as Pat has coined it, where we'll have clips and whatnot from those old podcasts that him and I did. And that can be found at patreon.com. forward slash wild times pod we love you all Brosners thanks again Laura Pat you did a great job hosting

Will we love you good night