Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT #73 - Woman + Chimp Affair, Tortoise Hunts & Eats Baby Bird, & a Deadly Top 3 & DFL

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Join Forrest Galante and the Wild Times crew for another ridiculous episode of The Wild Times! We're talking about everything in the title PLUS brostener/sistner DM's and a HUGE battle Royale you don't want to miss. Join Forrest Galante and the Wild Times crew for another ridiculous episode of The Wild Times! We're talking about everything in the title PLUS brostener/sistner DM's and a HUGE battle Royale you don't want to miss. Special thanks to @kylefitzgerald_ for helping w/ the edit! (https://www.instagram.com/kylefitzgerald_/) Also special thanks to Mimmkey @ https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/g7gCp for the awesome sound design! Patreon @ https://patreon.com/wildtimespod Discord @ https://discord.gg/KhqGvSvWTr All the links @ https://thewildtimespodcast.com/info

Here we go. All right. Wild times. All right. We are back. We are back. It's so good to be back. Episode number 73, the Wild Times podcast, the wackiest show on the air where we hang out.

We talk about wildlife, adventure, nature, what's in the news. We play games, battle royals, DFL, top three. I've but you get the point. He's drunk already. A little bit. I've been doing some day drinking. I'm in Chicago. They just eat pizza and beer.

They don't do anything else over here. That's what I've heard. I have a delightful drink right now, a space for everyone beer. It's very nice. I got my stamp. Anyway, this is the Wild Times podcast. I'm your host,

the Brurologist Forrest Galante. Joining me tonight, not in Chicago, unfortunately, is RETEP, the professor of podcasts, Ph.D in on-air specials. Mr. Rete. up, how you doing?

I'm good. I want to do an impersonation of Forrest and that intro real quick. Okay. Welcome to the wackiest show on Earth. We do all these fun games. I'm hammered. That's what it sounded like. That's pretty accurate.

Glad to be here, John. Happy to see you. Yeah. All right, moving on from that. The very dapper, the deep voiced, the producer, the one and only. Mr. Patrick DeLuca. Patrick just got back from Arizona. How was that, Patrick?

Oh, it was meant to be a little just relaxing few days, right? Haven't taken vacation since COVID started. So it was just like three days. Let's just relax. Well, I got an animal mystery for you. And I'll tell you the end. I'll tell you the end. There was no relaxing done during my vacation.

Oh, boy. So booked a dog, a house sitter to watch my dog and my cat. Used her twice before. Booked her a couple weeks in advance. Confirmed the night before. Well, at the time that we're getting ready to leave, it's not returning calls or texts.

Perfect. In the night. In the morning. Right? Oh, man. Now, while we're trying to line someone else up, she calls me, he's like, oh, I just woke up. I can head over right now. Gets over there. I'm like

just like. Does she chain smoke? Cowboy Killers? Is that why her voice sounds like that? Talks like a slack-jawed surfer. Okay. So anyway, long story short, does a bunch of weird stuff. I have a dog bone that I

instructed her to put peanut butter in. Instead, she put it in the mouth of a rubber chicken. Ruined the rubber chicken. Confusing. My television remote just over the course of it gets weird. You let this bitch stay. Okay. Yeah.

A full sleeve of Pringles that was unopened. left the refrigerator open. Everything spoiled and ruined. No way. Took a single A battery out of a remote. Here's the good part. No way. Yep. For a vibrator.

Possibly. On the second day, she did this on one day because on the second day she texts me in the morning, hey, just maybe have a friend fill in for me. Don't think I'm going to be able to do this. No way. You're kidding. Swear to God.

Who is this? like a service that you hire? It was someone I found off of Rover.com and I'd used her twice and she was great and so I just text her directly. Right. What's her full name and address? Peter, you can't

go over there. But dude, the amount of time I spent which I thought would be poolside with cocktails was frantically pacing around dealing with dog sitting catastrophes. I had no idea about the remote battery. I mean, that is ridiculous. that's insane

there is nothing worse than dog stress man my dog was sick for four days last week just not eating puking and you're just like you're looking up everything oh he's got fucking cancer he's got ms like he's there's something wrong with him he's got Lou Gehrig's and then in the back of your head you're like I don't want to take him to the vet yet because it's going to cost a thousand dollars they're going to run all these tests each one three hundred dollars yeah I'm just so finally I take him no question they give him they give him basically dog Xanax and she's like

give them peptid AC and it costs 300 bucks I'm like great okay what did they diagnose him with like nervous Nelly syndrome like why did he need Xanax for it's making him so I don't know there was

no diagnosis they're like here do this that's the best joke Patrick has ever told by the way I didn't think he's going to hit for us I didn't hear diagnosed him with nervous Nelly syndrome. It's the best joke you've ever told.

He's hammered. Dude, a puking dog. I'm not sober. A puking dog doesn't typically need Xanax to calm the nerves. They're like, yeah. He's thunder and lightning, where he got him.

The thing that really is scary is when the dog won't eat, that's when my stomach starts to hurt. Yeah. That's fruit, brute. Well, what happened? Hold on. Before we move on, before we move on,

what was the upshot of this dog sitting situation? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, so I just ended up just calling a friend. Yeah. It was like, hey, like, this is a huge favor to ask. Can you just stop what you're doing and go to my house for the next two days? And he just literally was like, sure.

No. I was like, uh, okay. Was it Ethan? Yeah. He's not doing shit anyways. Yeah, very nice of them. But it was just like the way that she just sent a casual text on day two of a, of a dog sit and just goes, hey, like, maybe see if you can have a friend fill in.

I'm not going to be able to finish up. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, this is someone you're paying for a service. Can you send a Zell now for yesterday? You should have sent her one for 99 cents. That's insanity. It's brutal. Anyway, we're back.

We're all back. We're back for us. All right. So, yeah, no, I'm here. I never left. Look, are you? There's a lot going on. I've been getting Browsner DMs up the yingang.

I mean, just left and right. They're all over the place. One of the biggest DMs that I've been getting or one of the most common ones that I've been getting is why aren't you guys in the studio? What WTF mate, as they say, is going on. And simply put, guys, I'm in Chicago. Okay? Chicago. I don't have a studio here.

All right, Papa P's in Arizona worrying about his- Pizza and your PBI. Yeah, I'm over here. Papa P's in Arizona. He's doing his thing. Retef's got nervous Nelly puppy going on. Like, there's a lot going on. So we're going back to the studio.

What? We're in studio next week, right guys? I hope. Should be. Yeah. It's paid up. Let's get in there. Back in California, you know, we're still paying for the studio, just so all you broosters, no, we're still paying for it.

We still got it. It's coming back. But we're just not there at the moment because we're busy, we're traveling. And we didn't want to miss shows for you guys. So that was a question I was getting, and I figured it's important we addressed it. Yeah. I think it's pretty cool that we have a virtual studio still, though. I mean, that we can even do this is still, and that we're fucking experts at this in the virtual studio shit.

We're the best people on earth in the virtual studio. We've been doing it longer than anyone, I feel like. So, enjoy. All right. Look, at Sam Buffo wrote a DM and he said, who wins in a cage fight? Cage match, sorry. Hippo or lion. Retep, one to, why don't you?

So it's important to note that they're locked in a cage. Retap now. Right. Correct. It's, let's call it what, 80 square feet? Yeah, it's an octagon. They're fighting in an octagon. Okay.

Yeah. I think they both fit in there. I'm going to say hippo because I just, I absolutely know that that's the answer because I just do. There's no way anything can destroy a hippo. It weighs like 10,000 pounds. Patrick, what do you got? What do you got? I'm going to go lying, actually.

If they're in an octagon. A hippo weighs at most 4,000 pounds, by the way. I think the nimbleness and quickness of the lion, and it's cardio, right? A lot of times you see a cage match. It's the guy who has the better cardio, especially with bigger guys, wins. Right? But you're talking about like a fucking heavyweight going against a featherweight, mate. In that case, I will always take the heavyweight.

But I'm saying, okay, when you get into heavyweight fight, UFC fights. These guys are, oftentimes these guys will be like 230 up to like 265. They're big guys. And cardio always comes into play. And this is not a fight till death, right? So I think the lion's cardio

over the hippos is, it's just going to outlast them. It's going to out nimble them. It's going to take chunks out of his rear end, his legs. It's going to stay away from the mouth. Lion. Now, I've got this one. Forrest. Agree with me immediately.

No, look. Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say. On first glance, I was like, Sam Buffo, you're a nitwit. Your name could be Sam Baffoon. Don't be so silly. That's bringing back middle school memories for Sam. Another notch on the insults the Brosner's.

Yeah, we just lost another one. But that's fine. And let's hear me now. First I thought you're a buffoon. What a silly question. Obvious hippo. And then, and that's where I read with you, Retep, knee-jerk reaction, obvious hippo.

And then I was like, wait a minute. If they are stuck in a small space, basically very similar to what Patrick said, the agility of the lion is what's going to win him the fight. Because they're stuck in this small space. They're contained. Hippos are very lumbarsome. And they're not like an elephant where they sort of have this graceful ability with their trunk and they can sort of spin around quickly. They're just kind of like a freight train that goes with a big mouth. And I actually think when stuck in the octagon, the lion might win it over time.

I don't think the hippo is going to corner him. They're not agile enough. That's my guess. I don't know. Agreed. And by the way, now can you apologize to Sam Buffo for judging his question too quickly before you thought about it properly? That's what I'm saying. I'm very judgmental.

I have knee-jerk reactions. I thought you were a nitwit. And turns out you're very, very intelligent person. And I love having you follow our show. Now at least one fan likes Pat. So that's great. I just peeped Sam Buffo. he also appears to play lacrosse at Iowa State.

I attempted to play lacrosse in seventh grade and was the worst player on the team and just quit. I feel like that's the second sport that you've told us about that you quit when you're... There's many more coming. I got a DM. He was only good at scheming and scamming when he was. Scheming and scaming.

It was a club, not a sport. Chris McGinnis reached out, said, Heyo. For us, Shark Week Bros, would be swell, all times guests and all. But I've got a sense that the real slam dunk of a guest would be one hour of Stephen Rockmail. So for those of you who are new to the show, Forrest and I've talked about Steve.

Forrest talks about Steve in his book quite a bit. I do. He is the guy who handles all the logistics for a lot of these big outdoor shoots and difficult to get to places. He's a real character. He says everything costs $30,000 or $40,000. $1,000. Even if you're just like, we need a lobster trap.

It's $40,000. If you're like, he would be. I'm looking at it on Amazon, it's literally $1899. But by the time you ship it and you order it and it comes from China, it's around $30,000. We don't have that kind of money. Steve, you can ship it here. I got to ship it to South African. I have someone smuggle it in.

That costs $30,000. dollars. I'm going to meet this guy. Dude, he's amazing. He's such a character. We do have to have on the show. He's constantly having things smuggled over borders where I'm like, I guarantee we could have carried that thing in.

He knows more smugglers in Africa than anyone. Maybe anyone else. Anyone. It's insane. Yeah. And it's all for legal tender. He's like, well, it might just not be safe to fly with the drone. So we'll just, we'll bring it through the border.

And I'm like, is that legal? I know a guy. I know a guy. I know a guy. I'm like, that doesn't really answer my question. I can't wait to have a special rendition of Pat's math for him. So he can just spend 45 minutes doing that. Oh, he'll nail it, dude.

No, he'll nail Pat's math, no question. Yeah, that's a hell of a DM from Chris. Wow, what a call. Good call. Good call. What else you got for us? You got anything stacked up for tip? I got a couple more.

I could dig for a sec. Have you got any? Well, I mean, I got everything you guys got. All right, I got one. Here we go. Quinn, the cryptid guy, right? He sends a fair amount of DMs. He's a fun, he's a fun brocer.

He said, did you guys see this? What are Forrest's thoughts? And I'm going to turn that over to the group. Worst TV show idea ever, or could you have hooked up with someone when you're sleeping, when you're sleep deprived and been without toilet paper for weeks? And the show that he's referring to is Discovery Chucky Choir. channel's new naked and afraid of love. It's naked and afraid turned dating show.

Retap your thoughts. Well, so I've actually, I think we asked, somebody's been asked this question and interview from naked and afraid and they literally were just repulsed. They were like, absolutely not. It's the last thing on my mind when I'm out there trying to survive like zero sexual feelings. I mean, I think if you were just like. like a beast out there.

Like Laura and that guy she was with who just dominated. I mean, they might end up fucking because they're out there just thriving, eating food. They have a beautiful shelter built.

Why don't you call Laura live on the air right now and see if she agrees with what Retepp just said. In the same terminology, he just said. My thoughts was that if you're thriving out there, Laura,

uh, Retep just figured that, you know, the guy you're with's a beast and you guys are going to start fucking you. Yes or no. You hovered cold on this idea. Yeah.

Nah. Now, my thought is just that, yeah. Like, if you're out there thriving and you're fucking just crushing it, you have enough food, you don't have to worry about anything. You got a nice, soft leaf bed in a covered shelter. You're not worried about dying. Why wouldn't you fuck? But 99% of them won't, I would say. Yeah.

And since you have never been, you've never stayed in anything less than a four-star hotel room. Except for that motel we stayed at in San Barba. Instead of Barber. Yeah, it was disgusting. So Forrest, what do you think? Naked and Afraid dating? I mean, you've done naked and afraid. Look, could you have felt amorous towards your partner?

Look, should I get deep on the pod for a second? Yeah, baby. Look, I was arguably with probably the hottest girl that's ever been on the show, right? Like, she was very attractive physically. Yeah, I mean, she, yeah, no, mentally. He was in dud. No, listen, I'm going to tell you guys straight. Physically, she was hot.

I was like, damn, this is very surprising. Get out there. Hour like one through four, you're like, I could totally do this. Like, she's hot, I'm here, we're naked, whatever. Like, cameras are leaving later. We'll see what happens. This is honest to God what I was thinking. Not that it was going to happen, but, you know, your guy to back your mind thoughts.

You're like, yeah, this is good. This is like, this is a thing. She's cute, whatever. then you're like four hours in you're already covered in filth because you've been building a shelter like you've seen it all you know what I mean like you've seen it

there's nothing more to see you've seen her bend over to pack something and you're like ugh I didn't really need to see that like you know you you've seen her like slap herself in the face with a tit while she's like grabbing something you know you've seen you've seen my bundle get scraped across a pile of bamboo

while I'm latching stuff like you've seen it all at four hours in and at that point there's no mystery left none there's nothing there's no what would it be like what would it feel like who is that nothing it's just yuck you're just like yuck i watched you bend over and pick that thing up your butt naked you know you saw me scrape my genitals on a on a rock 10 seconds ago yuck like i don't want to touch you you don't touch me there will be none of this from here on out and that's it it takes like four hours and you're just like ugh woof no like not even not even 21 days from now

after we've showered and all that no because the mystery's gone It's gone. I've seen it. I know what's there. I'm good. I don't need to touch. You've smelled it. Everything, man.

And it just goes downhill from there. Yeah. No, it's not good. So I say no. So I say no. Do you think that there will be love connections? It sounds like you're thinking, no. Well, I mean, I think there have to be.

Otherwise, it'll be a disaster. I'm thinking no on the premise of 21 days of hardcore survival with two people that have nothing in common that are shoved into a different. situation. Now, and you're naked, which is gross, by the way. If you're clothes, it's an entirely, if you're clothes, literally, if I'm clothed and have a bar of soap, it's a different ordeal. I'm like, okay, there's some mystery.

I wonder what's going on under that shirt. By the way, I'm going to go take a river, I'm going to go take a river bath and smell like a champ. Like, you know, let's see what happens. But the nakedness, the fact that there's, I'm sure in the naked afraid of love, they're going to give them things, they're going to have backpacks with stuff in it, because they're not. revivalists. They're just people, I imagine.

Okay. And they'll probably give them like they'll probably do competitions where they could win a romantic treat. I imagine there's going to be something. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's definitely, you guys know this. It's going to be produced in a way

where of course there's going to be connections. It must be. Yeah, whether or not they're real or what everything's real is going to be up in the air. It must be. Anyway, I just, the concept of being in the situation I was in with anybody romantically

is yuck. Like, to the point that I'm like, how did humans actually become the dominant species on the planet? Because why were cavemen and women humping? Because that's just revolting. Don't do it. Gross. If you want to see something revolting, we should rewatch how you

introduce yourself to your partner on naked and grade. That was delightful. Thank you very much. It was repugnant, and I I'd venture to say, if we look at it from her perspective, she only was mortified by you and that really put her off and that's why you guys didn't get along.

Could be. And that's fair. But then you guys sat on jungle potatoes and she quit. At Dave sent us a TikTok and said, is this true? Do we really not know where eels come from? So a guy posted a TikTok named Cole the science dude

where he sort of explained, you know, we have no idea where eels come from. it's this whole convoluted thing. I'll tell you I know a bit about it, right? So basically the context of this, and Forrest, you and I have talked about this before on the podcast, this idea that people don't really know much about eel mating, but we have this idea that North American and European eels

go way, way, way, way out into the ocean. They lay these weird little glass seethru-looking things, and those things journey... Elvers journey thousands of miles and swim up river. and that's where they live. What he's really referencing is the fact that it's never been witnessed, right? So no one, it's all, it's all a matter of inference by science. It's not a behavior that's been actually documented in the sense of that they, so they think

that North American and European eels both travel to this place called the Sargasso Sea, which is just north of the Bermuda Triangle, right? sort of in the Caribbean. Yep, I'm looking at it now. Got it. Total side note, the Sargasso C, I just, we did an episode about it in a show I did for Nat Geo last year. It's really cool.

Sargasso stands for Sargasum, which you know what that is for us? The sea grass. Sargasso. Yeah. Yeah. So the Sargasso C is basically like a cyclone current. And what it causes is basically a doldrums. So it was a place where if you got.

And then so the Sargasum just piles up, ships would get stuck. At one point they did a survey in the late 1800s, and there was, I think, 2,600 or 1,600 ghost ships just sitting in the doldrum stuck in Sargassum, where the crew probably all died, you know, all died a long time ago. Right, right. Wow. So they think the eels go to the Sargasso Sea, and that's where they lay their elvers and mate. but no adult seals have, or sorry, eels have ever been documented there.

So it's all a matter of inference, and we don't really know exactly what the deal is. What's your take on this for us? Well, I think that's interesting. I mean, we've never seen a great white shark give birth, but we're not like, hey, they materialize out of the haze. You know what I mean? Like, we know that they give birth. That's true.

Yeah. So, I mean, I think that the location-specific information is interesting, and I'm curious what they're basing that on, whether that's, you know, maybe they're finding sargassum in the elvers bellies or DNA from that region that's unique to something. I mean, who knows? So I think that information's interesting. I'm sure if they're speculating that, there's a good reason behind it. But it's cool.

I mean, I feel like the clickbaitiness of like, we don't know where eels comes from is a lot more appealing than being like, hey, yeah, eels breed in this deep place that's really hard to get to. haven't seen it. Right. You know, so it's like... It's lame. You don't know social media.

Yeah. But let me say this. What's cool about it is anytime there's a mystery that's still a mystery in the animal kingdom, it's cool. Yeah. It's great. It's great. We think we know everything.

As human beings, we think we've got it all dialed. And by the way, like, the average person who knows nothing thinks that we as a species know everything about animals. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you go talk to a guy on the story. street, random guy, walk up to him, be like, hey, do we know every animal in the world? They're going to be like, of course. You know, they think we know everything.

And I'll be like, can you name five? He'll be like, dog, cat, turtle? You know, like, you know, he's not going to know it. But he thinks that, like, the arrogance of human nature is that we, is the assumption that we know everything, which is just preposterous. On that note, I got, I got a question. Do you guys know what motivates beavers to build their dams? What motivates them?

Like why they choose to build dams? Why do they do it? Yeah. Because they want a shelter? Forest? Uh, it's really interesting. I don't know.

I have no idea. I mean, they use them for shelter. They use them for reproduction. I mean, the reason they, they chop down trees for their teeth and blah, blah, blah. But no, I don't know. Tell me why. Get this. So they build their dams as an instinct to stop the sound of water lakes, water.

Water leaks. Can you fucking believe that? So they don't like the sound of rushing water? So they did an experiment where, and they just played the noise out of a speaker. And even the speaker sound will cause them to build a dam over it, even if it's over concrete with no visible water. How fucking crazy is that? Because the dam creates a little pond inside of the dam and they live in that still pond. Interesting.

I don't know if you're seeing the slow. But it's been 73 episodes and you just brought something to the table. Like that's huge. That's huge. Like, we do all right, guys. Mark it down. 15 hours of Patreon episodes.

We do, we do a wildlife show. 73 episodes in. I'm not kidding. You just blew my mind. That's fucking awesome. You should get a 73 tattooed right on that big, pasty white forehead of yours.

Do it, dude. Here's the thing. I'm going to get a tattoo that says, damn on this cheek and be. on this cheek. So fuck everybody. That's great. I'll tell you what, though.

The only reason that I have not come up with any facts, because trust me, I go through fucking Reddit constantly and just save stuff. But then when I'm on the air, it's just like I'm just scrolling through my phone. It's like, fuck that, dude. I'm so lazy. Whatever, man. I'm not trying to make fun of you. That's super interesting.

Seriously. About this, 73 episodes. And I've not seen you once eat talk. Taco Bell, you fucking little bitch. It's been years, years. Wow, Peter. Hey, I have an idea. I have an idea.

I have an idea. You ready? Oh. The next in-studio session, I say we spend $40 on Taco Bell and do a tasting live on Patreon. Oh, that's good. Let's do a live Taco Bell tasting on pay on on on on not page. Yeah, Patreon on Patreon on Patreon. That's a great idea because I want to eat that.

And I haven't had. I'm not kidding. I think the last time I had Taco Bell, I was 17 years old. Uh-oh. There's going to be an edit here. Is he stopped for you? Shit. He's frozen.

You guys there? Okay. He's frozen. Hey, you just froze for a good, like, minute there. Good. You're back. I thought I'd lost you guys. We're here.

Should we just pick it up from here? Just say the last time you've eaten Taco Bell because of the last time I've eaten Taco Bell. I'm not kidding. I think the last time that I've eaten Taco Bell, I was 17. years old. Lame. Was this you in Taco Bell in existence 40 years ago? You're 57, right?

I see what you're doing there. An old joke. That's weird to make a joke to the youngest guy on the podcast. That's fascinating. I mean, I liked it. Hey, by the way, our zookeeper buddy, Mason, Christ, hit me. I owe Mason a book. I got to send Mason the book.

I told him I'd send him a book. Anyway, go on. Yeah, you've been gone. He's understanding. But he sent me a correction from last week. Apparently, I fucked up during the Battle Royale. and commented that the spider monkey arms would give my animal opposable thumbs. To which he responded.

Nope. No thumbs. He said spider monkeys don't have opposable thumbs, mate. Their hands are shaped like hooks for gripping branches. They're one of a kind. Do you say mate or do you say idiot? He said, maybe. And then I wrote back, fuck off and die, Mason.

No, I didn't. I said, thanks, mate. I'll correct myself. Wait, I didn't know this. Spider monkeys don't have opposable thumbs. This blows my mind. No, he's right. There's such a number of climbers.

So I was looking at the artist rendition of our last week's battle royal that I put up on the Instagram, and he drew thumbs. However, you're going to have to redo that one there, Tyler Owls. No, it's legit one of the only primates that don't have thumbs, by the way, which is very, very weird. And, yeah, just you happen to pick one and drop the old opposed. thumb game, which is fair because it's a primate. You'd think it would. But yeah, very weird.

So Bumont 25 commented on that artist's rendition to the last Battle Royale. And he said, if Patrick doesn't choose something other than an elephant in the next battle royale, I'd be astounded. This guy goes for absolute size every week. That's not true. That's not true. I'm a size queen. You're walking all over the punchline.

It makes me think he is compensating for something. Oh, I see what you did there. It's not quite a punchline. It's more like a slap. It's a slight line of it. Well, I'll tell you what, this is a little tease. I won't be picking an elephant, but we do have an elephant-themed Battle Royale. Whoa.

Coming. Coming at you. Wait, Peter, do you want to see me do a spin kick real quick? Yeah, of course. So much. Always. Oh, my God. Now, let's narrate this.

So he's standing up now. he's oh my god i think he's trying to be joe rogan except it was really poor form look great man look great really nice thanks no you're

you're killing it that's amazing for us faces purple for us might die for those who are not watching on youtube you keep listening because he may die on this podcast he's so he's got the giggles i'm not that

drunk but good for you patrick i mean i'm Thanks, man. That's, yeah, you're doing it. Like, I'm so proud of you. I will say, though. It looked like it felt good, but you really are progressing nicely into your dad bod. I like that.

That's real nice. Well, I'll tell you what. Four days on vacation. Sugary drinks. Just get room service, flat breads left and right. No workouts. No workouts. No workouts, four days, correct?

Did about an hour and a half of the driving range. and played a very lazy 45 minutes of tennis. So no workouts. No, neither of those guys. Driving range is not like a calorie burner. It's a shoulder fucker upper. Like it's nothing that make your shoulder very sore.

Tennis, though. Tennis is a burner. I mean, if you're playing a hard game of tennis, you're drenched. This was me teaching the lady how to play tennis. So it was not upper. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, but tennis can be a good one.

For us, before we get off the rails, man, give us one news story. Because you had a couple of years. No, that's where I'm going. What's in the news? Sir, news from the underground. All right, very good. What is in the news? So there's one that's floating around.

I don't know if you guys have seen this or not. It's been everywhere. There was a tortoise in the Seychelles that was filmed preying on a hummingbird. Have you guys seen this at all? Yeah. No. It's been sent a thousand times in the Discord and on the Instagram, so I'm sure people

are going to be stoked to hear our text. So let's talk about it. Let's break it down. So in the video, if you haven't seen it, there you just see a tortoise. He's cruising along as a tortoise does, not at high speed. And it's not a hummingbird. It's some small species of, as I call. I think it's a chick, actually.

I think it's a chick of a turn, which is a seabird. And the bird starts, I don't. don't have it in front of me, but it sort of starts, like, irritating the tortoise and kind of, like, pecking at his face, and the tortoise takes, like, a lunging bite at him, okay? No big thing. Bird annoys tortoise, tortoise bites a bird, whatever. But then it continues, and the tortoise starts to make his advances, and this turn chick, as I believe it was, is just sort of not back and down, because it's just a very small bird.

And sure enough, the tortoise comes over, gobbles up. the thing's head, crushes its head in its mouth, the, the chick falls off the log, and it just goes and chowls the whole damn thing. Oh, nice meal. I mean, yeah, this is, this is what I would do, too. Well, so tell us, but, okay, why is this shocking? Right, I guess that's what people aren't getting here. Okay, this is an animal, this is a tortoise that is known to be exclusively, exclusively

vegetarian. They are herbivores. They are fruits and grasses and things like that. So to see this tortoise intentionally go and eat this chick is pretty bizarre. Yeah. Well, so I mean, Forrest, the motivation obviously is the motivation that it was being annoyed by the chick and then had a bite and then was like, hmm, this isn't bad. Absolutely not. If you look at it, it is undeniably hunting it, like chasing after it.

And I think what this is, it almost, it goes back to something that we're. we were talking about earlier is the idea that we think we know everything, okay, about everything. Right. And you do. Yes. I'm not saying that tortoises are the new alpha predator of the Seychelles, right? And like birds watch out. Like, that's not the case.

Yeah. Let me, let me give you this in an analogy, okay? Okay. There was, there was two or three, and this is going to be weird for a lot of people, but I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to throw myself under the bus here. There were two or three months of my life. where I did not want to eat meat cooked.

I wanted to eat it raw. And I was eating like carpacios and things like that. And then I was buying like really high quality burger meat and eating it with a spoon in A1 sauce uncooked. Because I was, oh, what are you a Navy seaman from the early 1900s? Listen, listen. So I had, I found out later when I explained this to a friend who was a doctor that I at that time, one of I want to say it was iron, but it might have been something else. Likely had an iron or whatever it was deficiency.

And so it was wiring my brain to tell my brain, hey, you, what's going to taste good is, it wasn't iron. I'm trying to remember what the hell it was that you get in raw meat that when you cook it, it goes away. But anyway, it doesn't matter. Potastin? No, I can't remember what it was. Anyway, it was wiring my brain to tell my brain that those things would taste good

to get that deficiency to go away because I hadn't been eating enough of that because God knows where I'd been before that. And those things happened. That is an individual case, right? That doesn't mean like, hey, all human beings should eat raw meat now, right? And what I'm getting at is it's probably the same thing with this tortoise. It probably had a protein deficiency. It probably saw an opportunity to eat something that it hadn't eaten before.

And maybe its brain was wired to go, hey, you need protein. You're not getting enough in the diet that you're being fed or that you're eating. Hey, here's a shiny bird. Maybe it's good to eat. I mean, maybe it's a deranged tortoise, but the point is we just, we don't know everything, and it's interesting to see this kind of behavior. And you just never know. Does thiamen ring a bell?

Because that's the, that is the thing we get from meat that doesn't retain when it's cooked as well. That must have been what it was. It's very well. That's super interesting. I'll tell you what. I got a little animal mystery that ties in with what this story is here. It's a quick one. get to the resort where we're staying in Scottsdale.

Okay. So that's all the context you need where it's summer. Scottsdale, Arizona. Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm like, before we even go, drop the bags, been a six-hour drive. I'm stressed out because I've been dealing with dog sitter crazy shit, peanut butter in the chicken's mouth. What do you feed your dog besides your own dick? And I say, let's just sit at this bar and have a quick beer.

It's the inside bar that looks out. at the pool, right? I see a falconer walking around. Okay. Which I found out is a called a Ferruginous, am I pronouncing that wrong? A ferruginous hawk. Okay, so this guy's walking around

with one of those on his arm? Yeah, exactly. It's a ferruginous hawk, which it turns out is, because I became best friends with this guy, obviously, because I'm great. If it's the biggest... If you're texting me,

I love fucking meeting people on that. Yeah, exactly. But it's the biggest hawk in North America. It's two feet tall. Holy shit. Big hawk, 50-inch wingspan. So anyway, he's got it. Crazy.

I think, oh, he's just there to do something fun. Like, this is a fun thing that, like, the kids that are staying at the resort, he does little hawk shows or whatever. That's not why he had the hawk. Why did he have the hawk? Peter, you go first. I think I know the answer. So you go first.

Oh, man, so I'm going to say a two-foot hawk that's huge. I legit think he was out there trying to catch some kind of fucking coyote or some kind of pest or something. That's my guess. He was hunting something. Forrest, what do you got? Pigeon problem. You got a pigeon problem at the resort. Very, very, you're both, I mean, Forest is a little closer, but yes.

So we then go, drop our bags in the room, go out to the pool. Okay? They serve food. Hawkeyes there. Hawkeye is... I'll tell you what. This hawk needs to get his shit together. They need a few more hawks.

Because they... Oh, I know. I know. Do I know? Can I guess it one more time? Yeah, yeah, I guess. Seagull problem. Bro, I would have traded one of this bird that they had the problem with for 15,000.

I would let five seagulls loosen my room to get rid of one of these fuckers. They have a... I'm really curious. Dude, they have a bird there called the grackle. Okay, yeah, I know what Crackles are. Man, they are, the name sounds like what it looks like. It's covered and like, it just looks greasy. It's got this zombie, zombie look to it.

They're smaller, they're about the size of a pigeon, but spelter. They look like, it looks like a starling. It looks like a bird that the bad school in Harry Potter would do a spell to make them come out. They just look like they haven't showered. They're unkempt. They're vulgar. And I swear on my life, they are the boldest animal I've ever seen. I mean, dude, they're a rabid raccoons in upstate New York that are more timid than one of these grackles.

Wow. So this thing, yeah. They came and took, I was holding my drink. And a grackle came and took the pineapple wedge. Shut up. Oh, my God. I swear. I do.

In Scottsdale, Arizona. Yeah. So this guy was there. To fucking, as like an exterminator, this thing eats these, these crackles? It scares them away. Like, he releases it every so often and it scares the crackles off. But they're onto it, man. They figured out the pattern.

The second that thing lands on the guy's arm, boom, grackle infusion. No way. We talked about one time somebody, somebody one time asked us, you know, what's up with the fact that we still stock lakes the way we do with B-52 bombers just dropping baby trout into them? Because it's a rat. Yeah. And so is this.

I prefer this over any type of fucking electronic technology, technological advancement. I want, I want 20 of these guys walking around every resort I ever go to, clearing out seagles. It's great. Well, dude, I'll tell you what. So the last thing about this. So I'm talking to him. I'm like, oh, you're here tomorrow?

He's like, oh, now it's my wife's here tomorrow, you know, the bird, whatever the bird's name will be here. I'm like, oh, cool. I see her about three, four times that next day. Every time the bird's got his little leather helmet on that's blocking his vision. And I'm like, what's going on with that hat? And she's like, well, there's this one lizard that keeps coming around and he's going to go nuts. She didn't release the bird once all day.

So finally, after I'd had five or six drinks, I kind of walk up to her. I'm like, you know, there's a lot of crackles over there. You might want to pop that helmet off, let him do some flights. I'm sure she really appreciated that. She loved it. She just kind of went, yeah, that was it. Yeah. She didn't succumb to your request.

No, she didn't rip the helmet off and free the bird, sadly. That is fucking wild, though. Yeah, it was good fun. The greckles, you know, I'm overblowing it a little bit, because they would dissipate at multiple, like you would get like an hour, where there were no grackles, and then sometimes there would just be fucking thousands.

But anyway, if you're only listening and not watching, Google greckle, it is a weird looking fucking bird. Google grackle. Guys, I got a new story for once. No way.

Okay. Here it comes. Everybody's fucking seen this. I posted it to our socials the other day. You're trying Fuego tonight. Let's see what you got. Don't blow it. I'm not going to blow it.

Okay. Have you guys heard about the chick who got banned from the zoo after claims of an affair with this chimp? No. I think it's a 38-year-old. You guys really haven't seen this? It's everywhere.

No, have not seen it. This woman, she's been going there four years, and this chimp, I think, is in his mid-30s, right? So a nice middle-aged chimp. And so they banned her because it turns out that all of his social circuit, social circle. The Chim's social circle basically were isolating him because of his

relationship with this woman who would come every day for several hours and basically hang out with him. And she claims that they were in love. So what do you guys think? Forrest, do you think, I mean, is this a good thing, a bad thing? Now that she's banned, now that she's

banned. I mean, what do you want to say here, Peter? I'm going to go in here and be like, no, it's great. Like, Beastiality is so spicy. like everyone should be doing it. Let me clarify. Is it will his chimp buddies accept him back into the social circle once she's gone? Yeah. Well, what he wants to know is will the chimps allow him back into the social shirker? I've had a few birds. Oh boy. There's a lot to unpack here. Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot. Patrick, why don't you take a pass? Then I'll jump in. Okay. Well, I didn't realize you were talking about 80 Timmermans of Bell. Belgium, because of course I'd heard that story. I don't need, that's right over my head. I don't know what to talk about saying. I'm going to defer to you for us because here's the thing. I thought 80 timbers is 80 beers.

Okay, go ahead. The photos of 80 Timmermans, who is this Belgian woman who got banned from the zoo, she is hysterically crying as if someone died, right? So whatever was going on in her head that allowed her to claim one, she's in a romantic relationship with a chimp and that they're in love with each other, she's never going to see that chimp again. Right. That's gut-wrenching.

So I feel bad for her, but I think what Retepe is asking for us is, is this good? Should humans have intimate relationships with zoo animals? No, no, it's not good. This is bad. The second she tries to bed that chimp, it's going to rip her face off. That's not good. Um, the,

nice, very nice. Look, look, I love my dog, love him. I am not in love with my dog. You wouldn't have,

I will not have, I will not have intercourse with my dog. I believe this is the second time you've declared that on air. Are you trying to also compensate for something? Well, how many times have we talked about bestiality on this show,

obviously more than once? At least quite a few. Yeah. Right. So let's see a upper face off. No, but look, being serious, being serious here. I think the chimp will be fine. I think you'll go back to having chimp friends.

Everything will be fine. Okay. Okay? Even after four years of isolation? Yeah, I think he'll be fine because he's a chimp. He's not a person. I think that this woman is nuts. Does she love the chimp?

Totally. Is she in love with him? Maybe, but she's fucked in the head because you shouldn't be in love with a monkey. Like, it's going to rip your face off. and, you know, yuck. So if this was, Forrest,

so if this was a dog and the dog did actually love you back, would this be acceptable is what you're saying? No, this is not acceptable. Don't have sex with other species. What do you get that? Was anybody talking about sex?

Maybe this is a botanic type of love. Well, I guess. Yeah. I mean, that wasn't what was inferred when we started discussing this, but, he's hammered.

dude. He doesn't even know. He doesn't know what's going on anymore. Ultimately, yeah. Ultimately, what we've determined here from Forest is that you should, in fact, get an annual membership to a zoo. Yeah. Pick the animal that you fancy the most. Yeah. And form a relationship with it. It'll let's buddies will take them back once you get banned. And just, you know, smash your genitals against the glass. Like, see what happens. Like, have some fun while you're at it, you know. Dude, you've talked about scraping you. your genitals on bark and smashing them against glass so far in the podcast today.

Why are you, why are you picking on me tonight, Retab? I'm trying to be fun over here. I've had a few drinks. Why are you picking on me? When you get drunk, you're a lightweight. You've had one or two drinks, I know, but you're hammered. Four and a half.

You're not as, you're not as quick-witted. Your cockiness, it goes down a little. It gives me openings to get in there and fucking, you know, razz you a bit. Like I got, like I get that. That makes sense, to be honest. Yeah, I lose the edge. You're a ginger. So I'm a, excuse me, sir?

You're a ginger. You have red hair. How dare you? How dare you? Dude. Real quick, Pat, could I get a jingle? Could I get a jingle? Because I think we've derailed enough that it's time for a game.

Ooh. Number one. Number two. Number three. Yeah. Dead fucking lost. Top three in DFL. I don't know if this was Wild Times Willie or a Brosner that came up with this.

This is my favorite one ever. really your top three and dead fucking last accidental causes of death what are the top three ways you would like to die as part of an accident and the one that's the worst uh i'm happy i'm happy to go first since i picked it and put a little thought to it yeah do it it's it's a thinker okay and you god here's the problem you guys are both going to be thinking instead of laughing at my jokes um no no no you're good you're going to make your jokes Make you stupid jokes. All right. So number three, this is the third best way to die in an accident. I would like to be at a kid's birthday party where the parents are trying to impress everyone by like, you know, having it be really expensive. And there's a thing that's going around. Yeah, very trendy at kids' birthday parties is they bring in an alpaca.

They rent an alpaca and the kids can play with the alpaca. So I want to be standing close to the pool. I want the alpaca to charge me and sort of knock me off my balance. And I hit my head on my way of falling into the pool. And I drown in the pool while I'm unconscious. And ruin all the children. Well, it's that I want to ruin the snooty parents' birthday party. You know what I'm saying?

No, I mean, that's, how's that number three? There's no way you're coming up with two better than that. I've got two better. It also sounds pretty terrible. I mean, I love that. I think it's hysterical. It's good. You're traumatizing a bunch of children.

The rich parents are upset. Who are they going to sue? I don't know. You know, like, what a dream. The alpaca company? A dream. Number two. Now, this is always been high on the list for me.

But it used to be number four. Now it's number two. I want to die as a tangential result of a plane crash. But what I'd like to have happen is that the plane crash. crashes high up in the Andes Mountains. We survive. Okay? Like 20 to 25 people survive.

Now it becomes a battle of wits to see who's going to outlast the others because the others are now food. Right? The snow is going to preserve the flesh. Yep. I have a little Donner Party situation going on. It's Sylvester Stallone. It's a Donner Party situation. I am the last man standing.

I eat all of the other passengers, which really builds up my ego. of course I would. Yeah, I would go for that dark meat. And then fast twitch muscle, baby. And then I die of starvation after surviving a plane crash. Number one, this has been my favorite way to die. It sounds miserable. I've always wanted to die this way.

So elaborate. I was going to be like tripp and hit my head. Listen, Forrest, I'm with you. We're not going to be this elaborate. Trust me. All right. I've got to bring something to the podcast. Yeah, no, it's good.

been since no joke, probably since middle school, I've thought this would be the funniest way to die. You're walking through Manhattan with your sweetie. It's Christmas time. You're on your way to go see the tree at Rockefeller Center. There's a light dusting of snow, but the air is just crisp, not too cold. And all of a sudden, you get splatted by a gargoyle that's fallen off a building and just splats you. I think that's my top three. So DFL.

This, nifty, all bullshit aside, this has, like, given me cringy nightmares. Have you guys, Forrest, have you had, you've had some experience climbing around on glaciers, right? Yeah. Sure have. Are you familiar with a Moulon or a Moulin? No. Or a Moulin? I'm not.

So basically, in Greenland, the Moulin is like the thing you're the most scared of. And because as we'd be crossing the ice sheet and stuff, you would see these Moulans. and what they are, and I'm sure I'm saying it wrong, but it's basically a tube that vary in size, but a lot of them are like maybe, I don't know, two feet in diameter. And these are just tubes from how the ice forms that just drop down.

And you can look down in one, and it's like, it's endless. Yeah. And it's a very real possibility. I've seen him. I didn't know the name of it. Yeah. And sometimes, though, you can follow a Moulan, and it like just cuts under the ice down like 30,

feet and then you can sort of see where it cuts in to the glacier. And, you know, that's the whole reason why you rope together when you're crossing the ice sheet. Because if someone falls in one of those Mulans, you're gone. You're going to have the fun water slide. And then you're stuck underneath a glacier with no chance of anyone getting you out. That's the dead fucking last. That's nightmarish.

That's absolutely nightmare. Let me go second just to get this over with. Go for it, man. Go for it. Pat's obviously been contemplating this for many decades. Clearly. Also, just fantastic storyteller. Mine are going to be more just premises of things.

There won't be these elaborate ways and contraptions and stories. But there will be an underlying theme to all the ways that I want to go one through three. And then DFL will be different. So number three, straight up, I would just like to be laying peacefully in my bed and perhaps a brown recluse or another very poisonous spider just scurries into my mouth and I swallow it and I never wake up.

That's not how that works, but okay. Yeah, the venomous spiders don't poison you and you eat them. Maybe it will lay eggs in my mouth in the middle of the night. They'll all hatch and I'll be poisoned times of million. I hope that happens. Love it.

Yeah. Okay. That'd be awesome. So second, and I've thought a lot about this in my day since I've been about 15 just straight up fucking alcohol poisoning

it'd be great I mean you feel great you're having a great fucking time for the evening you go to sleep again never wake up perfect number two

by the way they say if you die while you're doing what you love that's a good way to go and RETF likes to cocktail yeah that is true akin to that but not exactly that my number one way to go would be on like a

nice cruise around the world cruise that one that cost $70,000 almost a year you know that one that's a super and then in a similar fashion I'd like to get I'd like to be just blackout drunk

maybe somewhere in Greenland or the Arctic or wherever the water is very cold and then just kind of I'll be blacked out I'll fall over the railing into the freezing cold water and just never wake up. That sounds wonderful. It sounds pretty pleasant if you asked me. By the way, yours were pretty creative after you put down yourself there.

Seriously, those weren't bad at all. I'm very curious why two of the three are just about getting really drunk. But we'll address that in a later time. Okay, let me ask you this. What do they do when you're in hospice, right? They try to make you as comfortable as can be while you die. It's essentially my version of hospice is just getting inundated. That's an idea.

What are you scared of? My DFL friends, I worked at a place called Cub Foods. It's a grocery store back in the day. And every day I would have to go into this back room and put these boxes into a contraption. that smashes them down very slowly, a compactor. Oh, boy. And every time I went in there, I was like I could easily fall in there

and I would have no, it would just keep coming and it would be the worst 30 seconds of my life as I slowly, friends, was crushed to death in a trash compactor. And that is my death fucking last. Yeah, nobody wants that. That sounds absolutely awful. You don't think the machine would have been like object. too fat can't crush

oh boy all right very good very good top three accidental causes of death I'm so sorry to interrupt you but this is someone talking who is definitely going to die

because of an interaction with wildlife and that's fascinating to me so I'm excited it's very helpful and mine are all personal personal feelings as well so yeah thank you that's very very nice Patrick um tough three oh boy okay so coming in third place it's an obvious one for me it's it's it's snake bite it would just be terror is the mine are not fun and like lighthearted I would I would be like okay this if I have to go

third to last this is it right does that make sense that now why is that now what snake would you like to be bitten by which type of toxin I wouldn't like to be any that's my my whole point. This is like my, this is the bottom of the barrel. But if I have to go, no, no, I get out the game works. I'm just explaining. If I have to go and this is what's going to happen, accidental death, it at least put me out with a snake. Like, it just seems fitting. I fiddled with all of them. You know what I mean? I don't know if there's a one that's going to hurt less than the others. Like, is there a sleepy snake that I can get? Because that would be, I feel like you were shot up with heroin. That'd be great. Yeah. The heroin snake. The heroin

snake. You don't have to pick a snake. We get it. Venomous snake. Can we make that? Can we breathe that into existence? The heroin snake? That sounds a treat.

Number two, and this is one that I used to, so when I was younger, I really, really wanted to be like a very competitive rugby player. I wanted to play professionally. I was too busy chasing animals and I wasn't that athletic. So those two things didn't help. But I always thought, how fucking cool would it be to be a professional rugby player? And when I was like, do you remember when PCP was a thing? People were talking about PCP.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Trading places. When I was like 17, 18, it sounded fantastic. And I'll tell you why. Here's my number two accidental death. Because I had this idea that maybe one day I would just OD on PCP and run onto the rugby field. Because this was back when I thought PCP basically just gave you superpowers and you couldn't feel pain.

And I would just go on to the rugby field and just smash everybody and oh. OD on PCP, but go out, go out a champ. Like, just go out on top. You're getting the ball. You're running through everybody. Your arms are flailing behind you because they're both broken. Your necks askew, like your heads on your shoulder, but you don't care. You're not feeling it. You're on PCP.

I like it. You're necks askew. Yeah, okay. But you're so much... You're smashing so hard in this game that you're also, your femur is broken. Your ankle's twisted backwards. But you don't know. You're superhuman.

Your ribs are literally puncturing your lungs. You're so smashed. But you're so high on PCP. I love this. You're just scoring score after score. Everybody's like, have you seen Forrest out there? There's not one guy that can stop him. Right.

He just bit of guy's face off in that last tackle. It's fucking over here. Yeah. Yeah. His head is dangling to the side and he's still running the ball in every play. I really like this for you. I like this for you a lot. It's a good one.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. And my number one, and this is a true story, because this happened, swear to God, at at least according to my mother, this happened to like my great uncle. So my family's originally British, right? Like before they moved to Africa and spread out all over the world, they're from England.

And my great uncle, or whatever he was, was sitting at a high tea when underneath a greenhouse, when a pane of glass dislodged from the heat within the greenhouse, slid down and perfectly decapitated him in full black tie, in full black tie at a high tea with 100 people around. True story happened to my uncle. Head rolled off on the table. Glass shattered. Wait, was that your number one?

That's your number one? That's my number one. Yeah, that's number one. So what's your DFL? This is to have that happened again. I just think that would be like, it's like a family tradition at that point. I also like that because you're, it's unexpected.

So you're just dead. Again, it's the same thing as never waking up. Like just you're there. and then gone, you never knew. Maybe not as fun as the PCP rugby game, but still pretty solid. DFL, DFL, DFL. The worst way to go.

It's my nightmare. I mean, it's something I'm terrified of, quite frankly, being buried alive. Oh, yeah. I'm like caving. I'm in a tube. I'm in a pinch. I'm in a squeeze.

I don't know what happens. There's an earthquake. You know, some Mitchell's yelling because he stubbed his toe in the background and the seismic activity of his noisy asses making things shift. And I'm just getting buried alive. And not quickly. It's not like, boom, dump of dirt and, you know, out of breath.

It's like you're feeling the earth like cover you and you're watching it black out bit by bit. Oh, my God. Stop. It's my nightmare. Please stop. People have stopped listening already. When you told that story about when you use the rope to go down into the water and you go into caves under there. Yeah.

And then it fucking was just that one story where it went black and you lost the rope for a minute. I was literally like, this is, this is my nightmare. Yeah. So here you are, but here you are saying it's the worst way to go. Yet you put yourself in situations where this might actually happen to you. No. Yeah, but so far I just worked my way out of it. But I just don't want that to happen.

Man, I won't. I think it will. Snake bite will. Yeah. You guys, but dude, guys, on the heels of that, I just came up with a great business plan. I think it's going to make us millions. Oh, let's hear. I'm in.

It's very simple. Say no more. Take my money. I'll invest. Oh, great. Wait, no. We're going to make venomous snakes, but instead of venom, we're going to somehow get them to, like we said, bite and produce heroin. And then we sell them to junkies and dealers.

Can this be done for us? Can it be done? 100% by science, yes. Like we can breed a viper with a heroin syringe and we'll have these snakes or what? You know, that's an interesting. So here's something real quick. So rattlesnake venom is like extremely potent bee venom, right? I don't know if anybody knew that.

I did not know that. Yeah, so it's very similar. And bee venom is used to treat arthritis, right? So if you look at it that way and you're like, hey, if you took the right components within rattlesnake venom, you could treat arthritis with the snake bite. you know, what's to say that we can't find ourselves a little blow snake, you know, a little cocaine snake. And you just make them, you know, you just get them all hopped up.

And who knows what happens? I don't know how the stuff works. Yeah. Forest, you're not taking me seriously. I want to know, can a snake be bred to bite and release heroin? Can it be done? I don't know the answer to that, Retep. But you know what?

God, damn it. Yes. I'm going to say yes. I'll tell you why. Here's why. Here's why. Are you ready? Here's why.

I'll tell you why. I'm ready all my life. Rika Tarosa, the California rough-skinned newt, has a very toxic poison in its skin, right? It has skin glands that are toxic. Now, when a garter snake eats enough of those, it starts to actually acquire through bioaccumulation venom that is semi-potent because it's eaten enough of these garter snakes. So what I'm saying is all we need to do is get garter snakes and get heroin and feed them a lot of heroin and then start having them bite. you retap, and you'll get heroin snicks. I'm in. Listen, all right, I'm going to get this started.

What do we got to get out of here soon? I got to work on this. Battle Royal jingle, mate. Let's do you. I think I know what time it is. What time is? Do you know what time it is? Time.

The one. The battle. Denon. At Denon underscore 02. Battle of the Giants. Thank you for this. He says, Battle of the Giants. you must pick the head, body, legs

that are of three animals that are all smaller than an elephant. But when you combine them, they will be the size of an elephant. Oh, that's fine. Each body part? Or the whole thing combined. The whole thing combined has to be the size of an elephant.

But each of the three animals needs to be a little smaller than an elephant on their own. So it's a fight till death. It takes place in the middle of Manhattan the winner takes all. I like it. I like it because it precludes me from just picking an elephant.

It does. Apparently the Brosner's hate. Forest, why don't you go first? Because I have to think. It's going to be tough. I have to think. Okay. Okay. I'm going to go, body of a bombardier beetle.

So if you remember, the bombardier beetle, I think we've discussed it before, is an acid-shooting beetle. Now, you scale that up to the size of an elephant. You're talking hundreds of gals of gas. gallons of acid coming out the backside of that beetle elephant-sized. You're going to melt skyscrapers. Let me ask a question here.

I need clarification. I wasn't expecting that. Yeah, I got you. Came in hard. Are we trying to, so do our three body parts have to actually equal the size of an elephant? Is that what we're saying? No, I thought it was just any three animals and then scaled up to be elephant-sized. Am I taking that wrong?

That's what I think we should go with, even though. Did I miss it up? No, no, that's correct. That is correct. I've heard. Okay, that's fine. So that's good.

That's much easier for me. Sorry, I might have, I might have butchered that, but now that's how we're playing. That's how we're doing it, baby. Yeah. All right.

What's that? You want to go? No, yeah. Well, listen, I haven't picked my favorite animal to pick in a while. So I'm going with the...

Herpes. No, the legs and limbs of My friend. No, no, limbs are separate, dude. What's wrong with you? It's different. It's different. Same as always.

You know how a battle royal works. Head, body, legs. Legs, whatever. Shut the fuck up. Limbs and legs are the same thing. What are you babbling about? You said body. You said body.

No. I'm going with the limbs. The tentacles of an octopus, gentlemen. Okay. It will have fucking eight arms, limbs, tentacles, whatever you want to call them.

And they're the size of an elephant trunk. Terrify. That's right. Terrifying. Terrifying. It's a good pick. It's a good pet.

Okay. Thank you. Well, I'm going to... If you got news, you got good picks on the video. I'm just trying to buy himself more time. No, I'm going to win right now. I'm going to take the limb. I'm going to start with my limbs.

Because once I scale these up to be the size of an elephant, this is truly terrifying. I'm taking the limbs of a mantis shrimp and the punch power. Wow. I don't like that. You've seen like when like in the early Superman movies where he punches someone and they fly up into the atmosphere. That's... My math.

says that's what would actually happen if something the size of an elephant had the punching power of a mantis shrimp. So that's going to be... Thank you. I literally... What else, friend?

No, I literally think that that would like... That would be like a superhero movie where like the X-Man screams and the whole world like vibrates. You know what I'm talking about? Like that's what... Right. That's what happened. Yeah. Then... Pat, your second pick.

I want... I want to really, I don't know why I want this so badly, but I want the body to be sort of the torso of popular actor Jason MoMA. I want, I want, like, I want pecks and chest hair and, and, like, attractive abs and a tan because I, I've already got this punch power. And so I want to make mine sort of humanoid, because after I win this battle royale in Manhattan, I'm going to sell. this thing is an attraction. And I want people to sort of go like, oh, it kind of looks like me. Such an exploitive piece of shit.

It's so weird. All right. All right. We'll let the brosters aside, guys. Is this me? This is me again? Nope. You're next.

All right. Guys, my head, face, mouth, whatever you want to call it, will be that of a chameleon. That's right. It has the longest tongue in the animal kingdom and one of the fastest muscles in the animal kingdom. Now, I'm obviously reading from Google,

and I didn't know this until just now. It extends more than twice its body length. And get this, packs 14,000 watts of power per kilo. So you guys are fucked. It's going to be the longest. It's going to circumnavigate the globe at least five times, and very powerful. It's going to be bigger than Earth itself.

What are you basing all of this information on? I just read it on fucking Google. Science.com. All right. Science mag.org. Very strange. All right. Very odd big.

What is you? I got octopus, fucking tentacles, eight arms, and then I have a chameleon tongue that is going to fucking produce 14,000 watts of power per kilo for the size of this animal.

So when this animal is inevitably the size of an elephant, you guys are fucked. This is going to be able to take down skyscrapers. It's definitely going to tickle us with its tongue. No doubt about it. Tickle you guys, it'll smash you in your families with its tongue.

All right. All right. That's something. I'm up. I'm going to go for the limbs, specifically the flighted appendages of a dragonfly. Now, think of the way a dragonfly flies with those crazy beating wings on top of a first form of flight on earth. Really? I didn't know that.

That's interesting. So I've got the weird legs, I've got the crazy sort of helicopter wings of a dragonfly on this bombardier beetle's body, which is shooting acid. Now, this is all scaled up to be the size of an elephant. And what's the worst kind of pollution? I'll tell you what it was, because I went to UC Santa Barbara and lived in Isla Vista. It's noise pollution. Noise pollution. It's the worst.

So I'm giving myself the head of a howler monkey. All right. We are Huller Monkey fans on this podcast, ladies and gentlemen. Imagine that scaled up to elephant head size. Like, imagine the sound amplification of just that like, who, who, who, just like, oh, my. I think your head would just explode from the sound. If my animal's tongue can take down a skyscraper, your holler monkey is going to destroy every window in that skyscraper before.

It's going to be awful. So, yeah, it's a hellish-looking creature, but you got sound, you got acid, you got flight. I mean, it's a mess. Okay, okay. Yeah. Good, good. Peter? All right.

So, gentlemen, I'm left with the body. And surprisingly, nobody has given their creature the power of flight yet. Right. And... Were you listening a second ago? What? Literally one second. What are my appendages?

I don't know. Anyway, so my animal... He's got dragonfly wings, boy. We just talked about this. I've been Googling my animal the whole time. Shut the fuck. But I do like the holler monkey head. I can't.

Thank you. I just can't process two animals at once. I can only take one. It's a lot. Okay. So I am going to have the body wings and obviously diving ability of the peregrine falcon. So you're going to have an animal with the fastest, largest tongue in the world, strongest tongue mixed with an eight-tenacled lower half, size of an

elephant, remember, and then the body of a peregrine falcon, which can dive up to 380 kilometers per hour. Yes, I used kilometers because I'm looking at Google. You know, that is even uglier than my creature. I mean, the body of a peregrine falcon, eight octopus, tentacles and the head of a chameleon, I mean, it's... It's a mass. It's a mass. You're a mess.

I can't secure it. So, look, I have a mantis shrimp punch power. Yeah. Which my math says, if scaled up to the size of a 13,000 pound elephant, would it generate more newtons each time it punched in energy than 200 of the atomic bombs that we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I don't know if that's accurate Pat's math, but that's devastating. He's literally not been engaging because he's been Googling for the past 10 minutes.

I've been doing the math. No, he's been doing Pat's math. I've been doing Pat's math. So anyway, so I've got Jason Mo Moe's very attractive shirtless body. And he now has these sort of these, these shrimp, shimpy arms that can generate more power than 200 atomic bombs. So I don't need any more fierce power. What I need is... You don't need anything.

What I need now is I need him to be a tactician. Because, again, when one is fighting against two, which my creature will be doing, the brain power is going to be a big thing. So I'm going to take one of the most brilliant tacticians of all time, Napoleon Bonaparte. The famous Navy... Two humans? The head of Napoleon... The head and brain of Napoleon. Now, Napoleon...

This is bullshit, however. No, I don't. want the statute. Now, Napoleon was a great military commander. Acceptable. But, but, but hang on, hang on. He was a great military commander and tactician. But did you know that the reason there are sleet, uh, buttons on the sleeves of a men's suit coat is because Napoleon invented it. Here's why. He was sick of watching his Navy sailors wipe their noses on their sleeve. And so he said, yeah, so he said, I'll put these buttons on the sleeve. in this forest. This is ridiculous.

He said, I'll put buttons on the sleeve. They'll stop wiping their noses. It'll still look attractive and Bob's your uncle. Yeah. I mean, it's absurd. You pick two humans in an animal battle royale game. And I just, I cannot accept that. It's brilliant.

He's the guy. I don't need anything else. Got a brilliant tactician, an attractive male body. Yeah, so Pat picked two. Two humans and one animal in a battle royale that's supposed to be all animals. But in fairness, like the idea, if his, if Pat's math is correct and a single mantis trip scaled up to the size of an elephant is the same as six atomic bombs or whatever he said, that's the end of the world if he fires once. But why am I not getting, why am I not getting credit for my 14,000 watts of power per kilogram on my fucking animal's head? No, you should.

I think you should. I just don't know that that's world ending because it's like a giant sticky hand. The earth can't even hold that amount of weight up. It will just fall into the abyss and destroy everything. That's right. Okay. Well, let's let the Browsner's decide. Why don't you guys weigh in?

Let us know on iTunes. If you listen on iTunes, let us know on YouTube. Come hang out on the Patreon. We do this thing on Patreon. We do it twice a week. We have more studio stuff there. Sounds like we're going to do a live Taco Bell tasting over there. Yeah.

That'll be fun. I'm real excited about that. That's what the rest of the Patreon will be from now on. It's just a lot of taco-el-dil-d-items, food reviews. Yeah, so, yeah, we give us, you know, leave us a review. Let us know who won the Battle Royale. Is it Patrick's Jason Momoa, Napoleon Bonaparte, mantis shrimp creature? Because maybe, sounds terrifying.

Is it Peter's chameleon head on a peregrine falcon body with octopus limbs? I mean, I literally don't know. know what that looks like because it's such a goddamn train wreck, but it sounds awful. Right. And keep in mind, the Peregrine Falcon body is just a useless body with no wings because the appendages are octopus. Whatever. I can dive at 340.

Not when it can't fly. It's very cutticles and a ridiculously powerful, strong, long, tongue, mouth head. Doesn't have wings. Can't fly. Two humans in an animal battle royale. Ridic. Can't fly. Or is it my bombardier acid shooting?

beetle the size of an elephant with dragonfly wings and legs and a howler monkey's head. I think the worst part there is definitely the sound. Let us know. Way in. Peter, do the thing. He's frozen again. There we go. He said goodnight.

We got the tag out. I'm here. I'm here. Guys, first of all, please leave us a comment about on a scale from 1 to 10 how drunk you think Forrest has been throughout this podcast. It's like a two. And right after you're done rating him, go to the white. Wild Times Podcast.com forward slash info for all the links to everything.

And seriously, check out the fucking Patreon. We're doing things like extinct or alive memorable moments where Pat and Forrest break down the entire two seasons full of episodes talk about their favorite most memorable moments. Darwin Awards, all the shit you guys fucking love that we can't put on YouTube or we'll get sued for because we can't talk about is on the Patreon. And that is all at the Wild Times podcast. dot com forward slash info direct link to the Patreon

Patreon. patreon.com forward slash wild times pod and quick shout out to my man Kyle Fitzgerald at Kyle Fitzgerald underscore at the end of his name has been helping me a shit load with a lot of the editing

and the tedious bullshit with the podcast. Check him out. He's fucking awesome. He takes pictures. He shoots shit and he edits. If you want to see some of his pictures, go check it out. Yeah.

That's true. Play the outro. Beedie, pop, pop, but did did de da da da da da da da da. Wild times. Nice. For us,

enjoy that Lou Malnotti's deep dip tomorrow, son. I'm going to eat so much pizza and get so fat. You're going to be impeccable. I'm going to do three push-ups and eat a gallon of pizza. Junkled potato fat. Good night.

Good night. Look at Patrick pulling up Captain Morgan over there. Oh, shit. Absolutely. He's got a dope dad bod. Look at those shorts. Are those shorts? Yeah, the shorts are nice.

The shorts are really nice. Look expensive. What about dad bod? Wild times.