Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT #86 - Otters Attack!, Dinosaur Discovered?, & Obese Goldfish

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Forrest Galante and the Wild Times crew are here talking everything in the title PLUS Pat's brilliant new Christmas tradition. Animal Mystery, Battle Royale, and more! Check us out on Patreon @ https://patreon.com/wildtimespod Links to everything @ https://thewildtimespodcast.com/info  

Wild Times. That didn't work. Remember when shaking the pencil thing made it look like it was bendy in school? And that was like a popular thing. Yeah, it still works. No, I just tried it. Look, I was trying to do it to the theme. It doesn't look like it's bending.

It doesn't look like it's bending? Very much so. Yeah, it looks like shit to me. Maybe it's your eyes. Here we go. That is a weird way to start a podcast. This is The Wild Times, episode number 87, the greatest show. On the air, a show where me and two of my buddies hang out, talk a bunch of nonsense, drink a little booze, talk about animals, wildlife, what's going on in the world, what's going on in the news, and how each other are doing, because we care.

So, I am your host, Forrest Galante, the broologist. Joining me today is Patrick DeLuca, the producer. What's up, Pat? What's up, man? Oh, chilling. It's choked. It's Christmas time. There's a chill in the air.

I was out filming the last couple days, got down to 32 degrees. In California, where were you? Santa Clarita. It gets a lot colder there. And it was just nice, man. It just feels good. Yeah, it's Christmas-y. You know, I grew up in the Southern Hemisphere, and the hottest time of the year was Christmas.

And we'd tune us. We'd turn into, you know, we'd go on TV and we'd watch, you know, Christmas story and all these different Christmas movies, and there's all these white Christmases and the snow and this cold. Now, I live in Southern California, so it's not wildly different to Africa. But it is nice when it's cold and damp and it feels Christmassy, unlike where I grew up, which never felt Christmassy. Yep. Yeah.

Anyway, on the other end of the Spectrum, the PhD in podcasting, Mr. Retep. What's up, Peter? Yeah, I don't feel like I should interject until I'm in. introduced because it just derails things right from the beginning. Well, the problem is I derail before we even get to you. I just like Christmas and start talking about something else. That's what people love about this podcast. Pat, you missed it.

Bonus pod going up today. We've pumped out, that'll be like two in one week. Love you guys. Love you patrons. And Graber, friend of the pod was on, you were missing, and there is a little bit of shit talking about it. Glad to be here. Cheers, mates. Really?

Huh. It's funny. Maybe you'll listen to it. The Bronners give Forrest a pass when he's out on an adventure, but when I'm filming, they shit talk me from missing. No, no. To be fair, it was me and Forrest talking shit about you, not the Brosner. That's fine. I may listen to it.

I mean, look, Graber's fucking hilarious, so I'm pretty excited to see what you guys got into. He is a funny guy. as fuck too. God, would you let that go? I've heard about that like six times. He looks like John Hamm. I love a square jaw. I can't get over.

What are you guys doing for Christmas? Where are we going? What are we doing? I'm about to leave. I'm about to go foraging, which I'm looking forward to. What are you guys doing? It's Pat's favorite time of year,

and I can tell because he's been happy for two months straight. It starts around Halloween for him. It sure does. But no, well, I mean, let's not bury the lead. We all hung out for at Retepp's little Christmas shindig. That was quite exciting. That was very fun.

Lots of booze. Yeah, Forests did lose. Yeah, that's right. I said I wasn't coming. There was so much food. I had no idea there was going to be so much food. I, like, made myself, like, a healthy chicken breast meal and then got to Peters, and there was this ridiculous spread of unbelievable food.

There's this thing, right? So I just moved into this house. never owned a home. And it's a nice home. And you, when you start doing your first Christmas decorating in the first home you purchased, I've been to Lowe's in Home Depot back and forth at least 50 times, sometimes two, three times in the day getting smart bulbs, Christmas lights. And then the food gets there, which my lady handled. And I'm like, there's enough food for 150 people here. How many people are we having?

But it was fun. When I told Leot that she was like, oh, come, come, like good to see you. She's like, go and eat. I was like, I actually just had dinner. She's like, what? I know. I ate on my way down here. I didn't know there was going to be food. And the amount of anger in her facial expression that you hadn't

conveyed to me that there was going to be food at the party, I thought that she might kill you later. Not only did you not convey it, Peter. You specifically said light snacks or light appetizer. First of all, Pat, I have the text. I never said that. I would love to see that text because I got in a lot of a trouble because you use those specific words and Forrest.

I mean, in all fairness, I did not tell Forrest or you because I had you on individual texts and then everybody else was on group texts and I told them all to come hungry. And I forgot about you to. I forgot about you to. to because I think about you too much. You're in my head too much. So I'm sorry. But you still ate like seven plates for us.

Yeah, because I had to drive back to Santa Barbara. I just sober up holding mountains of food. Yeah. As the night went on. I got way too drunk. I had to eat because I got way too drunk. Had to. Pat.

Pat, I'm trying to find it. I'm trying to find it. Yeah, he's looking for the text. But tell us about your Christmas plans. Going back east, fucking hell, it's going to be. I mean, look, flying to Florida. Flying to Florida for five days, then going up to the cat skills, got a nice ski cabin we're going to do it. But here's the thing.

Here's an idea. And I want all the Brosners to really, those who celebrate Christmas, to really listen to me and listen good. Because I changed up the Christmas tradition last year. at my place here because it was like the COVID Christmas and we didn't travel. Yeah. So standard Christmas procedure is you wake up in the morning, everyone gathers around the tree and you do the stockings, do the presents. Of course. You know, maybe eat a donut, whatever the tradition is in your house, right?

Yep. Last year, we waited until sundown on the day of Christmas to do the whole ceremony, the presents. It is fantastic. It is so much better for this reason. When the presents are done, it's like Christmas is over. Right. To bars kill. And then it's like 10 a.m.

The sun's out. And it's just like, huh, what do we do now? Another day. Right. Instead, you get up when you want. Number one, you don't have to wake up first thing. You're not all tired and feeling like shit. Everyone gets to sleep in.

Then you still get the full day of anticipation for the big stockings and the presents, right? Interesting. Yeah. So even think about for the kids, they get, this is genius. You get six to eight hours of anticipation. You're looking at the presence. You're thinking you're waiting until sundown. Then the sun starts to go down.

The kids are like, okay, it's dark. Let's do it. Opening presence in the dark is more fun. For the adults, they can have a glass of wine or a beer while they do it. It's the new thing. That's, so here's my question to you. And I'm not on board for this. I just need to know more.

Sure, sure. How do you, if you had told seven-year-old Forrest that he had to wait on Christmas Day until sundown, I still would have got up at 6 a.m. I still would have gone into my parents' bedroom. I would have yelled at them and been like, we got to go. It's Christmas. Come on. And then every minute and a half for the remaining eight hours of the day, I would have pestered them about opening presents. I'm sure of it.

Sure, sure, sure. So is that, are you, do you just, well, first of all, do you just have better behaved children around you? Because that makes sense. Yes, but no, I mean, look, I may have done the same thing, but if I was Mr. Forrest's dad, what I would say is, son, how do you feel when the last presence opened? What's the feeling? It's all over. That's all over. This is good.

It's all over. Yeah, it is. You got to wait another year for that feeling. I'll play devil's advocate on that one because I remember I would get like, if I got like a video game system, I was out of there. hair for the rest of the day. A couple of games. So there is a benefit. That's true.

Like it is fun to play with your new shit, but the magic of the feeling of the anticipation. That's why we all, as adults, put up trees, Christmas lights, do parties, do ugly sweater parties. We love that feeling. Once it's over and the last presents open, sure, you got new toys, new shit, but like the magic's kind of gone. And there's something that's just much more palatable about that when it's dark out it's night. You still got, you let the kids stay up late. That's the other thing. For us,

what was your, what was your bedtime when you were seven? Probably 8 p.m. Well, son, would you like to stay up till 11 tonight? Very much so, yes. Okay, so when it's sundown, let's all gather around the tree and you can tear into your presence. I like it. And because here's why, if I think back to my youth, that day would have been so tormenting that the reward of opening those presents would have been. been tenfold what it was from just waking up and hustling my parents into the living room and opening the presence. Totally.

Because the anticipation only starts when you wake up that day and then it's usually an hour, right? Tots. Yeah. And then you're like, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go. And then you finally get to it. Now you've got this whole day of, and you can tease your kids through this, by the way. And this is important to me. I feel like the whole day you can be like, wow, that presence with the red shiny wrapping paper.

Wait till you see that thing, man. Should we open it now? No, no, we're going to wait till sundown. We're going to wait until sundown. Yeah, but boy, that's a fun one. He's going to be bullying other kids in school. You want that pencil? It's not like the sun doesn't go down until 9 o'clock.

It's down by 5 o'clock. It's like 4.30. Yeah, like 4.30. We live in Southern California. We're almost as far south as you can get, meaning the days are the longest that you can in the continental United States. It's still dark by like 4.3. 30 right now. Yeah. For sure. So if you live anywhere north of us, it's dark even earlier, which,

yeah, no, it's, I like it. I like it because of the torment factor for the children, the anticipation that it builds, the excitement. Yeah, no, that's nice. And you let the kids stay up late as a reward. It's like, yeah, I think, I think, my take on this is, first of all, I think it's genius. I don't just like it. Thank you. I love it. Oh, look at that. The reason, the reason is, is because First of all, you teach your children, for the children who are experiencing this new tradition, you teach them an important lesson that with patience comes great reward. So having them, and it's true in life, it expands out bigger. But at the end of the day, but, but, but a bit of but you get to like that anticipation,

The fact that Christmas is not yet over, the lights are not coming down. It's not even, it's the difference between it being a Saturday and it being a Sunday night. Like mentally. You know what I mean? Yes, it is. And that is exactly right. That's why I'm with this. I'm on board.

Let me ask you this. Forrest, do you like tacos, the delicious taco? Of course. Okay. So when is a taco taste better? Is it scenario A in which you've like already eaten dinner? and then an hour later a friend just like hands you a taco? Or is it when you haven't eaten all day, you've been out on a hike, you've been out fucking,

you know, blah, blah, blah. And at like 2 p.m, you decided like, holy shit, I just think tonight's taco night. I mean, it's a no-brainer, right? It's scenario B, and then you just smash 30 tacos. No, I get it. I get what you're setting up here. I like it. Let me ask you this.

Let me, let me, let me, I'm going to pivot from this a hair. When I was 14 years old, I moved to California. Okay. I came from Africa where we have every cool, big animal you can imagine. Now, as soon as I got to California, I was like, there's only one animal I want as a pet and it's a bear. Like, this is California. They should be everywhere. And I was convinced that I would, have I told this story before? No. Trying to get a guard bear. Oh, okay. So I wanted, I wanted to find a bear and keep in mind, I'm a 14-year-old, so I'm an idiot. But I wanted to hike around the hills of Central California, find a den, crawl inside, steal a bear cub and make make a guard bear for my house. And I had seen, you know, circus movies and things. I knew how trainable they were. I'm like, this is, this is something I'm going to do. And the reason I'm tying this into Christmas is because it was about, I want to say two days prior to Christmas of age 14 year old forest that I found a bear den in central California after many, many long hikes and was like, all right, this is it. I'm going to get my bear cub. Well, any logical person

would tell you that bears aren't cubs at Christmas time. They're born in the spring. So you have about a year old bear in that den by the time you find it. I wouldn't have put that together. I would be like that. Neither did 14-year-old forest, the same guy who wanted a guard bear at Christmas. So, yeah, anyway, so I found a bear den. I didn't get chased out of there, but I did have an encounter with the bear that lasted

very, very short amount of time, and then I gave up on my dreams of guard bear. Anyway, I tell the story to ask you this. If you could have any Christmas creature, any Christmas critter, you open, you know, the biggest dream is you open, as a kid, you open the package, there's a puppy inside, right? That's, that's it. You see it on the good dad movies, like, you just see it. You could open that Christmas present. What would be your critter inside? Your fully trainable pet.

What is it? Oh, God. This one's easy for me. And it's just perfect. It would be an otter, man. I watch otter videos on YouTube. They're amazing. There's this one where she's feeding them sushi.

They're trainable. They go swimming. They come in the tub. Like, they're amazing, just all around. Yeah, I mean, if you're going for just pure cuteness. Well, I mean, a lot of fun there, too, with the otter. I mean, they can do all sorts of tricks. They're very, yeah, that's a good pick.

I mean, zero question for me. It's same. It's not even close. It'd be a hyena. Hyena, yeah, that makes sense. For protection. God, it would be so, if you had a fully trained lovable hyena that, like, wanted to cuddle with you and stuff? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. I have a buddy who works with one. We should have him on the pod. His name's Max Strong, great name. Yeah. Yeah, you should check him out on Instagram if anybody's listening to this. We'll have him on the show sometime. And he, I don't think he owns the hyena, but he works with it.

It's in Florida or one of these, you know, southern states where people have everything that they shouldn't. And, yeah, man. Max, it's funny because he strikes me as a Patrick Deluca type who would just have a house hyena. You know, just a house hyena. Yeah. Okay, I like that. Well, mine is an obvious answer. It remains the same as when I was 14.

Mine's a guard bear. I would open the box. There'd be an adorable bear. I'd be like, oh, a teddy bear. Fun. I'm too old for this. No, no, no. It springs to life.

It is a real black bear that's alive as a baby. and I would teach it to be my sidekick and companion, and it would sit out the front door at night and act as a guard bear. It's like a lot of work. A lot of work. You have to clean up after this? Do they have dog, like dog pickup bags that size? I guarantee you your otters are more work than the bear.

Are you so destructive? Gord, mate? Are you otter your mind? Dude, people own otters. Nobody owns a bear except for the circus maybe. That's not true. That's not true. Just an FI.

Stripes. The striped hyena can, if you get them when they're young, nobody should do this. It's illegal and they belong. They don't belong in your house. But striped hyenas can be tamed and fully trained. Wow. The ancient Egyptians actually use them for in hunting.

It's very cool. Dude, that would be honestly like the coolest fucking animal to go hunting with. Are you kidding me? By the way, like you too, Pat. hyena, just a lot of work, man, around the house with the baby and the other dog? How are you going to train to get along with the dog? Oh, dude, it would be a striped hyena that had been tamed at birth. Yeah, you get a little on.

How big is a hyena? How big is it? How much is it? They're big. They're not great Dane big, but they're big. I don't know the exact weight. But they're big. Like 500, 600 pounds?

No, no, God. No, not even half of that. No, nowhere near that. Like, think like a big. German Shepherd kind of thing. Oh, I thought they were way bigger than Matt. No, no, no, no, no, no. Pats makes a little more sense. They're like max 100. It says max 120 pounds. Yeah, that's not right. All right. Okay. If you got a hyena, Patrick, I think you'd have to get a neck tattoo. Because guys who have tyina strike me as guys who need

neck tattoos. Well, I would go opposite. I would start wearing a suit just around the house. Go full eccentric. Oh, that's funny. Forrest, what's in the news this week, man? What kind of wildlife stuff's going on? Peter, we got a jingle? Oh, we got a jingle made. What's in the news?

Sir, news from the underground. Shout out to K for the jingle. Thank you, sir. That's so good. I love all our jingles. So, actually, I will lean into Retepp's silly Christmas critter because one of the headlines that I saw this week was a man was walking through the botanical gardens in Singapore

when a gang, gang of 20 otters attacked him. He barely escaped with his life after sustaining 26 bites. This guy got his shit pushed in by an otter. Yikes. I've said this before. Mustilids as a group, they are the most terrifying creature.

Like, if giant river otters decided, to rise up, they would take over, there's a reason jaguars don't fuck with otters, right? I mean, they are just terrifying creatures. And so, yeah. So a couple things here. I've walked through these botanical gardens in Singapore. They're stunning. I wish I had known that there were a bunch of Asian small clod otters in them, because I

never saw a single one. I wasn't looking, but look at that photo. Yeah. What did this guy do? And I actually haven't even read, I just read the headline, thought it was hilarious. What did this guy do to provoke this full gang of otters? He was doing nothing. He said he was approaching the visitor's center

and he said he saw this group of otters like walking in a line, like crossing a dimly lit path in front of him. Okay. The jogger ran through the pack. Caused him to go mental, dude. Mental. Are you buying that?

I'm not buying that. I'm sorry. I'm not buying that. Who's the jogger? I'd want his fucking detail so I could sue him. Well, obviously these otters are very habituated. Okay?

I wish I'd known this. Like I said, I went there and I never, never saw a single otter. But I'm not buying that some guy jogged through. The otters left him alone. They went berserk because a jogger went by and just randomly attacked this other passerby.

I'm not buying this story. I'll tell you my thoughts in a minute. Yeah. Let's have it. But first, let's hear why you guys think. Let's treat this like a mystery. Why would a group of otters attack a passerby?

I know we've got the information of the jogger, what do you think? And I'll give you my hypothesis. They wanted to reach into his pockets and take a three musketeers bar out. Dude, I mean, I've seen geese fucking, if you get too near them, attack. This could have been anything. When you're out in a group, these otters are 20 deep, dude, just rolling thick. They don't give a fuck. They own that park. That is their territory. They're like a gang. And this fucking, this guy comes strolling up with his buddy, 15 paces behind, as I later read, and just fucking starts, you know, coming and encroaching into their territory.

They're like, not today, sir, not today. That's it. Okay. I like both answers. Patrick's much cleaner. Here's my hypothesis. So I loved Singapore. I thought it was an awesome country.

But the food was not great overall. There was some good food. There was some really good food, actually, some good noodle soups and stuff. But the Singaporean food that I had was a lot of very pungent dried fish. And it was dried fish in everything. Which me, which smells, by the way. It does not smell good. Like you walk into one of these restaurants and there's fish hanging in the window and it smells bad.

My hypothesis is this gentleman had eaten a bunch of dried fish. The otters were out cruising around looking for food. I'm guessing on every single piece of this. the otters were out cruising around looking at food. They did get a little startled, and then all of a sudden, here's this guy either chewing on some fish jerky or has just come from a meal of eating something fishy. They go, this smells like the stuff that we get fed all the time. I wonder if this guy's got some, and he probably didn't cue onto that, and then they just got more and more insistent on him giving them something that he didn't have.

Now, I have two details from the story that I think debunk your hypothesis. Okay. Great. You've read it, so that's helpful. Yeah. One is that the guy is a 60-year-old British expat. Okay. So I think that probably unlike people who grew up in Singapore, they're not eating,

I don't think he's eating dried fish for breakfast as this was his morning walk. These are two good points. Yeah. But you could be wrong. I ate dried fish for breakfast when I. I was there, but only once. But you hated it. I did not like it.

I did not care for it. I just want to point out also that this New York Post article uses three different alliterations in referring to these otters. They refer to them as mischievous mustelids, cantankerous critters, and ornery otters. Oh, don't forget Harry hooligans, dude, at the end. Yeah, Harry hooligans. I would love to be a writer for the Daily Mail. or whatever this is, the Huffington Post or whatever it is. New York, NY Post, yeah.

Because, yeah, I don't know how often you guys read The Daily Mail. It's like, first of all, it's borderline illiterate every single time. Like, they just skip keywords constantly. It's like somebody just, like, had to write it as quickly as they could. So they're like, oh, skip that word, just keep going. And you're like, cool, there's 11 typos in a 25-word paragraph, which I can relate to because I'm not. not a very good typeer, but regardless, it's a fucking newspaper.

It's like, all right, if there was a story of a man bitten by a rattlesnake, the Daily Mail would report it like this. Man attacked by giant snake. No one knows why. Check out gruesome photo. Right. That's it. That would be it.

And that would be it. And then there'd just be a photo of a guy with two very small puncture holes in the side of his leg and nothing more to it. And it's just like everything is written. in this, like, insane vernacular where it's like whatever the flashiest words are and the most concise way that you can tell something. Yeah, you got to be... I got to say, man, between...

So, ESPN.com, NBC Sports, and CNN are like three of my four things that I check, just to see what's kind of going on in the world that day. Sure. There are so many just bad sentences, typos, words missing. words where they said, you know, hit instead a bit. Like, it's insane, dude. CNN.com, if you read their articles, there's like four typos per article.

And same with the SBA. That's terrible. That's supposed to be an educational source for people to digest what's going on in the world. Nah, that's not what that is anymore. It's just entertainment. Who's more hoity-toity and self-righteous and thinks they're smarter than everyone

than journalists? Literally nobody. Literally no one. And in this day and age, It's like you can't still hold on to that. Yes, maybe 40 years ago, 30 years ago, when you were printing newspapers every fucking morning, trying to get a beat.

Now it's just like communications instantaneous. You guys are putting out the trashiest possible headlines to get the most possible clicks. And you got typos in all your shit. It's out of control. And you're still going to sit there and be like, oh, yeah, I'm a journalist for the NYPost.com. Yeah.

You write opinion pieces on a fucking website blog. I know. I don't, I was thinking about this the other day. So there's a basketball player named Enos Cantor who's like pretty much out of the league. Like stinks is old. Like hasn't been a starter in a long time. And he like did some whole political thing because he's Turkish about the Chinese government. And it like made a bunch of news, right?

First of all, imagine this. Okay. So then so then this ESPN writer, Jamil Hill wrote a whole long, scathing thing about what she thought about what Enos Cantor thinks about the Chinese government. Commentary. And I was like, imagine. Right. There's all the shit in life that you got to deal with.

Maybe it's family, your own health. What are you going to eat for dinner that night? Car payments. COVID. There's a lot of things that are worth caring about. Imagine just some guy or girl just standing in the kitchen one day being like, you know what? that backup center for the trailblazers, I wonder what he thinks about the Chinese government

and how it's run. And then I'm actually kind of curious what Jamil Hill thinks about what that Turkish center who stinks at basketball thinks about, who gives a shit? Yeah, I know. Why are these pieces being written? No one cares what you think.

It's bizarre. Dude, I mean, I, I, back in like 2012 or whenever Occupy Wall Street started, if you guys remember that whole movement, back then. Sure do. I'm actually, a little aside, I got into a little bit of a Twitter engagement with Donald Trump Jr.

Back in that day. No way. I swear to God. Yeah. That's hilarious. My account was at Retep's revenge. It's still there on Twitter. And I didn't even put it.

And so anyways, but I was deep into like kind of not so much conspiracy theory is where I was like flat earth crazy, but I was definitely like in the realm of dude, like the elites control everything, like the Federal Reserve and all the international bankers, control the supply of money, they're controlling us all. We're fucking, you know, we're just working cogs in a machine kind of thing. And when you get in, like, off of Pat's point, when you start going down a rabbit hole of like opinions of opinions and shit, it gets to a point where you've now read probably the equivalent of a 200-page novel and filled your brain with so much bullshit.

non-factual garbage from people's opinions that you really, it's hard to pull yourself out. You're like, it becomes like this thing where you start to believe all this crazy shit. And that's what happens, man. We get like addicted to these topics and we keep going down the hole, the hole, the whole, you know? And that's what it is. And people make money off it. Too much. Too much referring to opinion as fact.

And that's what happens. We've so lost the, blurred the line of that. Yes. Anyway, this is... I was going to say this is all news-related, even though we kind of derailed from what's in the news. There's at least one more story that I want to talk about. You've got to get into the mystery creature, please.

I've been dying to know what you think about this. I had one other first, but I can go mystery creature next if you are. Yeah, go mystery creature. Go mystery creature. All right. So, remains of a mysterious animal were found in Turkey, baffling scientists after discovery. the picture is freaky looking.

It's awesome. So here's what we're going to do. Retev's going to pull up the picture. And I think the Brosner should absolutely weigh in on this and send us a note or a message and tell us what you think it is. Peter, what do you think it is? Dude, this looks like a... This looks like...

Damn, I mean, it looks like a fucking dinosaur. It looks like a little velociraptor or something. It's one of those little ones. Yeah, it's like one of the little ones that look like a T-Rex, but they're small. That's what it is. Okay. It's not up for debate. Okay.

Very good. Mystery solved. I couldn't tell if Pat was making fun of me or actually agreeing with me for a moment. No, he's definitely agreeing with you. Okay, nice. One for Ritap. I think it's a canad, by the way, meaning a dog of the canine family. It is really hard to tell.

And I'll tell you one of the things that's interesting about this one is I probably had half a dozen people send this to me and say, hey, is this a thylacine? Interesting. Which, you know, we're not going to get super derailed on that. But no, I do not think this is the remains of a thylacine showing up in Turkey. But I do think that this is some kind of smallish dog. It's missing the front lower legs. Like see how it just sort of ends there? Yeah.

what I guess would be the femur. It's missing those front lower part of the legs. The skull to me looks very canine-like. Yeah, I think it's probably someone's fat. So let me just describe it for people who are only listening. Good idea. It's sitting on top of a like a potato sack for reference. So what are you going to say?

That's maybe two foot from the back of its hind feet? It's about three and a half feet tall, they said in the link. They didn't give a length, but based on it being three and a half, feet tall. I'd say it's five foot long. Okay, so it's bigger than I thought. It has short little front arms. It's four-legged creature. Short little front arms, very, very long back legs. Yep.

And a long tail. It looks like a kangaroo type thing, but it doesn't have very... It does look kangarooish. But kangaroo don't have the big fangs like that, do they? No, absolutely not. No, that's... If you took the skull out of it, I would be pretty perplex. but looking at the skull, it definitely looks like a canine to me. What's interesting is that there are biologists looking at it,

and people say they don't know what it is. Now, this is a pretty crappy news source, ANOVA news and media, never heard of it. But it is interesting that they haven't been able to identify it. What canine has leg to body ratios, like those back legs? Well, none, but that's what I'm saying is it's missing the forearms in the front. Right, but even if those were as long, it would still be like a mained wolf-like proportions. Yeah? No, it looks, it's very odd. Let's see, Turkey, would it be too far for an Ethiopian wolf?

Probably. Let me look at something. Do you guys know what an Ethiopian wolf is? No. It's got very long legs. It sort of looks like a red coyote. They're beautiful animals. Yeah, the range does not get up there. I mean, obviously. What are the odds of that? It's pretty freaking slim. I don't know. I think it's a canine of some kind.

kind, whether it's some hideously inbred dog, an Ethiopian wolf. I mean, there were wolves in Europe, obviously, so it could be something like that. I don't know, but it is a mystery, that's for sure. And I find it pretty interesting that the experts that are studying it have not been able to identify what it is. I mean, I'm sure that'll come to a resolution, but for the time being, it's pretty exciting. I'd love to hear the Brosner's comment or weigh in and say what they think it could be if they've had a chance to look at this. Hell, yeah. One thing, one detail that another article says is that it does not have hooves.

It has like fingernails. It has nails. That's interesting. Maybe that's the thing that's stumping the scientists the most. I mean, it definitely wouldn't have hooves. Are you saying it doesn't have paws? Or what is it says? They said hooves.

Because when I first looked at it, I thought it was like some sort of mutated horse. But of course, horse don't have long fangs like that either. Horse fangs, yeah. No, it's interesting. I think they're going to turn out that it's K-9. What kind? No idea.

But very cool. Let's stay up on this. We should like set a reminder to check every week. We'll be reminded via DMs guaranteed. There you go. So I got one more what's in the news. And this is, to me, this is a fun one. It's a fun one with a serious consequence, but it is hilarious.

It should be taken lightly. Residents in Ontario are finding enormous, what would you guess? Take a guess. Patrick, unless you've seen the headline already. I've seen it, unfortunately. Peter, have you seen it? Well, yeah, because I'm going to bring it up. But I'll take a guess anyways.

Octopus? Yep, we got it. Residents in Ontario are finding enormous goldfish in their local waterways. They're dangerous for the ecosystems, but are they delicious? So I just thought this headline was hilarious. This is not the first time that goldfish have been found as invasive species, but when I saw this photo, which if you're listening to this and not watching, pop up, these goldfish are absolutely insane.

Yeah. I mean, they just, they look like, they look like shoeboxes with fins. They're bright gold. Like, they're just, they're absolutely ridiculous looking. I mean, and I've seen some big goldfish, but these things are nuts. This is what I imagine. They're like footballs. They do look like footballs.

This is what I, this is what I, imagine that how Europeans look at us Americans as. That's funny. Right here, baby. Yeah, that's clever. Look at how old beast these things are. They're just so, like, they've run out of, like, growth ability, and they've just gone to rotund.

And I'm sure these are pregnant ones, and they're full of eggs and all of that. But they're just crazy looking to see these giant goldfish. And I just thought it was funny. And then the headline, are they delicious? No, they're not. Now, I don't want to discourage anybody from eating any invasive species. In fact, I think it's one of the things that can save us as if we turn, not save us, it's one of the things that can save ecosystems as if we turn invasive species into desirable edibles.

Why have we not made my show idea? This is my show idea. We get Bobby Flay. It is. We get a couple of judges. Got to get Bobby Flay. But simply put, you know, goldfish, they're, what is it, Sopritorums, I think is the Latin name.

They're the carp species. species, they're disgusting. And I have a story I can tell about that if you would care to hear it. I was literally going to ask, because I've always just heard that carp is not good eating, but I figured you'd probably tasted it, and I haven't. I have. I've tasted many things. I probably shouldn't have. So I recently ate the flying silver carp in Indonesia, in Illinois, when I went bo-fishing there. And it was good. We ate those. They were nice and light and white and flaky. But here in California, we have common carp that are basically in every single water system

and they were brought here as a sporting fish because people in Europe like to catch them even though there couldn't be a more dull fish to fish for. You literally sit there with a tiny piece of bait. I mean, so you catch like a 20-pound fish on a single corn kernel. It's like dull fishing. They're not native to here. They were brought over?

No. No, you didn't know that? Yeah, no. Carp are fully invasive. They're everywhere. Anyway, so we have a river up behind. Santa Barbara, the San Diego River, and it feeds into a lake called Lake Kachuma.

And you're allowed to bowfish in that region. And I actually love bow fishing. People have seen it on my social media. It's really, really fun. And it's a great, it's great hand-eye coordination. You're out. You're tagging invasive species. But I don't like killing things for nothing.

So the very first time I went bow-fishing, I scored a total of one carp. And I was still stoked because I got one. Yeah. And, you know, the guy I was bo-fishing with is like, that's garbage, throw it out, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, no, it can't be garbage. You know, all fish are good.

Like, you can't waste it, kind of let it go to trash. So I bring home this carp, okay? And I go online, I Google all these different recipes for carp. And it turns out that, you know, eating carp, like, it's a delicacy in parts of Asia. It's a Jewish tradition to eat it on Christmas morning, like a cured style of carp. There's like all these different things across all these different cultures. And it's delicious. And everybody's wrong.

It's delicious. And I'm like, great. Like, it's going to be so good. So I follow this thing online. It's this baked carp recipe. And you go to like, I've cleaned a million fish. It's so simple, right? You gut them, you scale them, whatever.

This is like this whole thing where you take out all the guts, you pull all the scales off. Then you take a super sharp knife and you actually get rid of the skin. You cut the head off. You cut all the fins off. You go in and butterfly it. It's like this process. Okay.

And you do all that and then you cure the fish. And so you then have to put it in the fridge. in a pan, I think it was with a milk concoction overnight to get the gross ammonia out, something like that, blah, blah, blah. The whole thing takes like 40 hours to get this fish ready to cook and eat. And then eventually you take this carp and you put it in this broiler pan and you add a bunch of spices and a bunch of vegetables and you put it on broil for 30 minutes, blah, blah, and you pull it out and you eat it and it's going to be outstanding.

Okay, so we go through this huge process, me and Ricardo, friend of the pod, my buddy, We go through this massive process and put this carp in and we pull it out. It doesn't look good because you're basically digging into a giant goldfish. So it doesn't look good to begin with. And we take a bite and it's just silence in the room. Now we're both convinced ourselves it's going to be delicious. It's just silence. We both take a bite.

We look at each other and we're both sitting there with fish in our mouths. And nobody says anything for what felt like a minute, but it was probably three or four seconds. And then I just see Ricardo go, and he spits it back onto his plate. Immediately after I spit it back onto my plate, it was, to this day, one of the most revolting things that has ever been in my mouth,

and that is saying something. There's so much that can go wrong in all that processing, too, dude. But all that processing was what was supposed to make it taste delicious and make it edible, as opposed to, like, you know, take a fresh filet and fry it fish and chip style.

The meat is this gray brown color. not white, like white flaky fish. It's this grayish brown color. It's got this massive bloodline, which is always disgusting in fish. Yeah. It tasted like, I've never experienced anything like it. It tasted like if you took lawn clippings, if you took lawn clippings, and then you found some roadkill that had been out in the hot sun for about a week,

rotten meat and lawn clippings, and you just sort of tossed a nice salad and chucked it in your mouth. That's what it tasted like. It just had this rotten meat grass flavor. that was abominable. So I will caution this to every Brostner out there. Kill carp. They're a terrible invasive species. It's not the individual carp's fault.

It's our fault, but they shouldn't be here. But don't eat them. It is one species of animal. I totally condone killing. Turn it into fertilizer, if you live in the United States where they're invasive. Turn them into fertilizer,

feed them to the coyotes, make dog food out of it, give it to the buzzards, whatever. Don't take them home and eat them. It's freaking disgusting. I am shocked that you thought that your fucking tray of milk fish was going to be good. Did you say you poured milk over the top? I think we did.

I can't really remember. It was a huge process. I love that he's, milkfish. He's been thinking about that since you said it. I don't normally hear about marinating your fish in a nice tray of milk. It's like a nice, it's almost curry. Yeah.

Oh, man. That was gnarly. So we know the answer is carp for the worst thing you've ever tasted. Retep, off the top of your head, what's the worst taste you've ever had in your mouth? God, that is, you go first. Let me think for a second. I know mine. When I was a kid, I was eating a sandwich, watching cartoons, and coloring all at the same time.

And instead of my left hand, which was holding my sandwich, my right hand came to my mouth, and I took a big bite out of a silver crayon. And it was unbursed. Unbelievable how bad it tasted. Like, it was like you ever see the video of like someone tries to eat a ghost pepper and they're just like, I'm trying to get it off their tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, don't eat silver crayons.

That's hilarious. I mean, for me, I'm going, I'm going with a booze that I've had that's notoriously disgusting. It's called malort. Yeah. Mallorts. There's no less. I know it. I've done it in Chicago.

Oh, Mallort. Sorry. No. It's, sorry. It's disgusting. and... It's gnarly. Mallord is like going for a sip of water and it turns out to be urine.

Like, it's that bad. You can't prepare yourself to drink it really because you're like, even if you smell it, it still tastes worse. What did you think when you had it, Forrest? Oh, I never thought that there could be an alcohol that tasted so bad. The first time I had it, I was underage drinking with a fake ID at a bar in Chicago, and I was like 19 years old and I spun the shot wheel

you know like how some place got a shot wheel behind the bar and it landed on Mallort and I was like and the three native Chicagans I was with Nick Mancuso being one of them who was also illegally underage drinking was like

oh my lord oh and they were like screaming and getting all excited and I was like cool yeah it's a fucking shot I don't care and they poured it and I just I couldn't believe anything tasted like that Yeah. It is very hard to describe. It's bad. It is not good.

Second, give a special nod to Barton Rum. Drink a bunch of it in college. Made me sick every time. Continued to drink it, $8 for a liter. Disgusting. Disgusting. Quick story that I saw. So apparently monarch butterflies had been on the verge of extinction, or, you know, they were worried.

Their numbers were declining. So much. Encouraging news that they think could somehow be, pandemic-related, the number of monarch butterflies in California this year has gone up considerably. What would you say would be good, like if it doubled, if it tripled? I would say the rate of decline it has been. I used to go walk the groves and see these millions of butterflies. Now there's like a couple little clusters.

It's pretty sad. I would say good, you know, an indication of something going well would be if it tripled. I would say that would be fantastic. It went up 50 times from 2020 to 20. 2021, huge increase in the population. Have you guys ever done that either of you guys? No. Gone out.

Okay. So let me make a suggestion to you. If it's up 50 times, which it may never be again in our lifetime, and it may be up 50 times again next year. I guarantee if you Google Monarch Butterfly Grove near me or near your hometown of whichever part of L.A. you guys are in, something will come up that's less than an hour away from you. on a nice sunny Christmas on a nice sunny winter morning take your beloveds and go for a little walk around there

it is unbelievable guys you will see these trees where you're like oh those leaves are blowing in the wind and it's not leaves it's all monarch butterflies in a mating ball I used to go and see it and I don't like bird watching or like looking at locusts or anything like that

but seeing the monarch migration at one of these groves because what happens is by the way so millions of millions of monarch butterflies migrate from Canada to Mexico and back, and they stop over for these periods of times. But during this migration of these millions, they all stop over together in certain locations. So although millions of butterflies are spread out across a gigantic sky, they come in and rest together in these certain locations for small periods of time and mate and breed and so on. And it is, seriously, you guys should give it a shot. Take a pair of binos with you. I'm

definitely going to go for sure. Yeah. Take Leot's surprise or make a picnic or pick up some bagels or something fun. Go in the morning. It's a Jewish joke? Sure. Very clever. But no, listen, go in the morning because as the sun warms up, the butterfly spread out and they go look for nectar and pollen and stuff. But if you go at like, say, 7, 8, 9 in the morning, it's before they've dried off and warmed up and spread out and they're in their clusters.

It is, it's one of like the wonders of the world that happens right here in California that nobody talks about. So, and Roosters, if you're listening to this, Google a spot near you. It's not just in California. I don't know how widespread it is in the United States, but go and do it because if it's up 50x, this is worthwhile. Take someone that you love. Go and sit there. Take a pair of binos if you like. You can get like five feet away from them, but sometimes they're up 25 feet in a tree and you look through the binoculars.

It's fantastic. I recommend everybody listening to this, go and do this. And it's a free activity, by the way. It's like taking a walk in a park. Well, minus the cost of those bagels. That's true. Especially with a cream cheese these days. We made of money over there for us?

I have a game I want to play. Yes. Love games. Game time. Is there a jingle that just goes games? Kind of, yeah. Hold on. Let's do this one.

That's good. Games. That's pretty much. Games. All right. Here's the game. We're going to play the game. Games coming.

It's a vaccine game. Swear to God. It's a game about vaccines. Vaccine gas. All right. So anyway, here's how the game works. Okay, let's hear it. We're going to take turns, right?

We're in a pitch meeting. You have discovered, you've made it, you've used CRISPR, a CRISPR kit, you ordered online in your garage. You have created a new vaccine. Okay. So one of us is pitching. The other two are, are the executives at Pfizer.

Fielding the pitch. Yeah, act very professional. Act how you think they would act in a pitch. We're going to pitch each pitch of vaccine. The Brosner's are going to let us know who has the best one. Got it. All right. Got it, got it, got it.

Okay. Why don't you go first, Patrick? You've obviously been thinking about this. Peter and I will be your executives. Okay. Here we go. Well, let me go first because mine's going to be absurd. And yours is going to be good.

No, mine's pretty bad for us. Go ahead. Kick it off. All right. So wait, who's going first? Patrick or Peter? Yeah, yeah, go first. Go first. Mr. DeLuca, thanks for coming in today.

What can we here at Pfizer International do for you? I'm just going to get right into it because I've invented a something I think you're going to be really interested in. Hold on a moment for us. I don't like this guy already. Go on, sir. Go ahead. Time is money and right now he's costing us money. Okay.

All right, let's go. I overheard that exchange and I agree time's money and that's why I'll be brief. I've created a new vaccine that I think, the American public, and I think pretty much all over the world, are going to be very interested in. And I think they're going to be willing to pay quite a bit to receive this optional vaccine. But we're an evil mega corporation, so the only thing we care about is making lots of money. So please continue. Now you have our interests, sir. So it's going to take two shots. You're going to need your first dose, and then about six months later, you're going to get a second dose, and then you'll be vaccinated for life.

The efficacy is about 99.99%. Wow. Yeah, I tested it on a couple of friends, my cat. After these two inoculations with no side effects, you will never again in your life fart. Wow, the fart vaccination. That's huge. That's going to be really big in the porn industry, by the way. Sure.

Can I have a side with my partner? Let's discuss for a moment for us. Sure, sure, sure. I'm hesitant. I don't like his demeanor. He's very small. You know, we don't like that. But the biggest problem I have with his vaccine is that you only take two shots and then you have

it for life. We like things where you have to take it every year, right? Yes, but think of the potential, you know, in the anal porn industry for when there's just so much flatulence taking place. I think he's on to something. Let's hear him out. I do, but I think we're going to have to modify it. So it's a yearly shot.

It expands well beyond the porn industry, guys. I mean... Tell me more. I think most people, if the choice was... Do you want to pay $1,000 to never fart again? I think most people are going to take that. I mean, times 8 billion people worldwide. I mean, think about how much money you could make.

Not just that, but the environmental implications. Think of the lack of greenhouse gases that are now being put out of the backside. You could use this on cows. Now tell me, Mr. DeLuca, has this been tested on animals? Would this work on cows? It absolutely worked on one cat. One cat. And that's it so far.

But if you want to do like a step deal, if you want to release some funds, I could certainly go out and do a large sample size bovid test. Now, here's a question that my colleague and I have for you. The pooforia that one experiences after a fart is, you know, quite delightful at times. Now, I agree I would rather never fart again than experience that. Are you still having the same sensation or is all farting gone, you know, you don't feel like you need to fart. What's going on there? That's a great question, and that's the best thing.

You never feel like you need that release, right? You're not going to have that bubble where you go, this is my only way out of this feeling. Sure. It gets stopped earlier, higher up in the gut. So the amount of elevator conversations that would linger would be incredible thanks to this vaccine. Yeah, and truthfully, one thing I would say is in the tests on humans, there is a market increase in, I know I said no side effects. There's a market increase.

in burping. Now, when you say a market increase, are we talking about 5%? Where are we looking? It's basically take how many times a day you fart, and then that's how many additional burps you'll have each day. And the burps smell like a fart. Got it.

Can I have an aside with my colleague again? Basically, you're farting out of your mouth. I got that, yeah. Let me have an aside with my colleague over here. Sure, sure. Peter, check it out. This is actually genius, because what we can do is we can buy this from this guy,

and then we'll rip the fuck off out of it, like a good drug company, and then sell a follow-up vaccine that's a no more farting vaccine. And I don't care if people explode at this point because they have no means for which gas to be released from their body. But what we'll do is we'll start with the fart vaccine. That's brilliant. Then everybody will be just heinously burping up fart smell. And then we'll either come back to this guy for a further development or we'll just screw him out of all his money and come up with a burp vaccine. What do you say?

Patrick, I think we have a deal. Sir, you are a genius. Yes, yeah. This is congratulations. Thank you very much for coming in. Please see Venetia, my secretary. She will go ahead and make the deal arrangements. Got it. Thank you guys.

That's number one. That's the sale. Who wants to go next? That was fun. I like that. I like going to hypothetical. I know. Yeah, the judge show was a big hit.

I'm hoping this one is too. I'll go second. Please. Okay. I'm not quite sure how the last... What? Sorry. Generally, just here at five.

We generally like to speak first at a meeting. So if you're late, sir. Your partner was on time. It's not coming to a good start. It's not a good start. But Peter, it's nice to have you. You guys won't be able to resist this idea. Now quiet down, please.

Thank you. I've done so many pitches. I've been at Moderna. I've been at Biotech N. Wow. You guys are putting the dick on the table. You guys are the bottom of my list, to be honest. This is a highly sought-after solution to a problem.

I want it already. I do. I want it already. You're treating me like shit, which makes me one year driving. Yeah, yeah. Please tell me more, sir. Gentlemen, what would you say if I had a solution to a problem that billions of people around the world have? Would you be interested in hearing about it? What is the problem?

Certainly. Hold on. This solution that I've come up with not only solves the problem, but has 100% efficacy in trials that I did on Pat's family. Peter, you're so bad at this. We're waiting for the pitch. The pitch shouldn't take longer than the fucking cooling off period between doses. Let's go.

Seriously. You don't even know what my vaccine is yet, sir. I know. That's the problem. We have 30 more of these today. Oh, God. I'm out of here. I'm going to Moderna.

Come on. My vaccine allows you to go without sleeping. That's right. You no longer have to sleep. And you only have to take the shot once every three months if you want it to continue. No side effects whatsoever. So if you need to stay up in cram. No side effects?

Zero. It's not an amphetamine, sir. It just makes it so you do not have to sleep for months at a time. So if you're in, you know, I, I'll take a suitcase of money right now. Since so many things happen during sleep, such as like release of growth hormone and things like that healing. We've accounted for all of that.

Yep. So that all still works. Everything. Everything still works. Functions completely 100% normally. And like I said, 100% efficacy. And this is a once per three month drug? We can modify it.

It could be once a month, once a week, once every three months. Let me ask you this. My colleague and I would like to know what happens. if you become reliant on this drug. It's not addictive. It's like oxycontin. It's interesting. The behavioral part of it, I think, would be addictive, though.

Sure. There's no side effects. If you want to stay up and out-compete all of your peers in whatever you're doing, you know. Let me ask you this. I've been up for seven months. Let me ask you this, Mr. Fitzger. Okay, so you've done this. What do you find that you and your test subjects are doing with your extra?

seven or eight hours per day. That's a great, great question. But what? Hold on. What did you say? What are you all doing, you and your test subjects, with your extra seven hours? Mostly playing video games? Personally, mostly masturbating.

My test subjects have somehow flipped this into a, you know, studying, getting work done, being productive, maybe watching television, relaxing, meditating, anything they want, really. There's no, the world is your oyster. Can we ask you how you develop this drug? because it seems very outside of the realm. I have a silent partner. He's not here. He developed.

Very silent. Yeah. I'm just going to say, for me, this is a pass, and here's why. Here, at Fizer, we really like to make the world a better place. Sir, I don't care. I'm out of here. Okay. I love the, I don't know if you guys have seen Silicon Valley

when they're just as big a dix as they can be to increase the VC funding. That's what it just felt like for that pitch, by the way. I do want to hear what Pat was going to say, though. What's your feedback? I, for me, as the executive, I'm just saying personally, if I were to never have to sleep, that would cause me to do one of two things. Either work a lot more, which is, you know, not something I'm really interested in.

I think eight to 12 hours a day is good. I think it might cause me to drink a lot more. Because it's a lot more hours. And as someone who likes to have cocktails, mate, I really rely on the sleep to reset me. And so it's a personal pass. I don't want the vaccine. And I don't want to develop the vaccine with you.

Forrest? Yeah, here's where I'm coming from, Mr. Fitzer. I love it, by the way. I think it's one of the greatest inventions of our time. But you are just such an obnoxious and awful person. in this pitch room that I'm going to make sure that neither myself nor Mr. DeLuca at Pfizer, nor any of our other contacts at Moderna, J&J, any of the other large companies will ever even take a meeting with you.

You are indeed the most vile human being that has ever walked into our offices. I would not like to see you here ever again. Security! We bid you good day, sir. All right. I'll be at both of your houses while you're sleeping any day of the week. I mean, full disclosure, if that existed, I would take it, and I would have bought it from you at Pfizer. Yeah, and you shouldn't have gone with no side effects.

Where's the fun in that, Peter? You just created a miracle drug that's absolutely perfect in every sense. I'm not an improv comic, okay? We can tell. I'm not on TV. Okay. Whenever you're ready, gentlemen. What are you drinking, a bottle of bleach?

That thing's enormous. Water, baby. It's clever. You fill it up. Actually, this is a little joy, I would say. Oh, yeah. You told me about that. You fill it up every day, and then it's got

little times on it. And if you're like, if you're at 11 a.m. And you haven't hit 11 a.m. And you're like, and you chug it. And it's kind of fun. It's part of the morning ritual. Can you send me the link to that? Yeah, I would actually buy those, too.

I actually, I actually, send me your address. I'll send you one to your house as a Christmas present because I have to order one for Christina because I dropped hers and smashed it to bits the other day. I'll take you up on that. That's great. I feel like I don't drink enough water. I love that.

Hey, if you're on, order me one, too. You know, time is short. I'm actually texting with my mistress right now because we're going to meet up for some midday cocktails. But thanks for coming in. I've heard you've developed something that you want to pitch to us. Gentlemen, thank you so much for having me. You know, Elon Musk himself says that the next great crisis on our planet will be one. of water. And ourselves

at Galantean Sons have developed an incredible vaccine. It is going to revolutionize the way that we see the world. Okay. With this vaccine, immediately after taking it, your urine will be purified

to the standard of aquafina water. Never again will you need to take a sip of water, effectively saving the planet by taking this vaccine. Now, I'll tell you this, we will cure, we will, at Galantean Sons, cure the global water crisis thanks to this drug. Do you have any questions? I think I can speak for Peter because I know the look on his

look on his face. We do 30 of these a day. Of course. Are you thinking that what you would do when you're thirsty is that you would just sort of, if you're male, that you would just sort of aim your penis up and pee into your own mouth? Now, here's the thing, accompanying our drug are two products. Okay. Good. One is the delightful urine receptacle for women, which is in the shape of a funnel that leads to a cup. We will normalize this through a hefty social media campaign. It will no longer be considered anywhere near inappropriate to pee in front of others and directly in public because you will be saving the environment.

The other is for elderly gentlemen. Younger men will, of course, do exactly as you just described, Mr. DeLuca. They will simply unzip their pants, aim for their mouth. Worst case scenario, they give themselves a face wash. Best case scenario. Not a big deal. It's water. However, well, it's not water.

It's still urine, let's be clear, but it's water like. However, for elderly gentlemen that may indeed have a prostate problem, we have invented this wonderful little creation right here. This is a sleeve that will live over your penis at all times. There's a very small pump in here. You can see it in the metallic part. And what that'll do is when you do indeed pee, it pumps the water much like a squirt gun and can reach of lengths up to, hear me now, 25 feet. So not only can you hydrate yourself. If you're in a group setting with other people who are not hydrated, you, sir, act as a personal sprinkler for your group.

Hey, Peter, can you quickly register dickwater.com? You got it. I already did it before he came in. I read the pitch, the pitch sheet. I could see that. I could see the social media. Go ahead. Forrest, I, I like what you've done, but I think you might have overshot.

You. He laughs to himself. You see what you did there. You seem to think that you're going to be able to get the buy-in of the general public to, A, expose their genitalia, just regularly in public B, drink I mean for all intents and purposes

their own urine in front of others regularly I'm just not buying it how are you going to convince people to drink their own urine and pull out their dicks in public and their vaginas and their vaginas

pull out their vaginas now you know I would like us to be sexually neutral in discussing these things yes, you will indeed need to expose your genitalia to the masses in order to hydrate yourself in public. But think of this. No longer will the ridiculous act of taking sips of water from a receptacle like a cup be necessary.

Not at all. In fact, you could be mid-jog, you could be out for a walk, you could be at a delightful dinner, and you won't have to pester the waiter, you won't have to ask for a glass of water like some imp. No, sir. You just pull out your penis, lean back, maybe grab your vaginal cup funnel, and just fill yourself up a nice body temperature cup of digestible urine. I think this is a campaign that everybody can get behind.

This is a strong buy for me. I see, and I think we could help with this, a strong social media campaign with a slogan. I could see really starting with the very, with like the frat boy type crowd getting the buy in there. I could see the slogan, give me some. some dickwater, bro. You know? We, sir, Mr. DeLuca, I hate to say this to someone who is at such an executive level, but you and I are on the exact same wavelength.

Thank you. The other thing I'm seeing here, knowing that about one in every 700 male humans has a condition called micro penis, which is, you know, where the penis is very, very small. I think we could have an accompanying line of products that sort of gives a better appearance. maybe a shell that would be very expensive. Several thousand dollars that would go over the micropenus, extract the water, and so that you could still shoot it into your mouth in public

where you may have been embarrassed prior to this. Makes sense. And no longer would you need to be embarrassed because you would be covering up that disgrace that's disgrace of a micro penis with the sheet that you're referring to. That is penis shaming, sir. By the way, dickwater.com is available for 9.95 right now.

Nobody owns it. My guess is 10 minutes after this podcast goes out. It will no longer be available. I want to see what the broosters come up with for dickwater.com. If I know our brosters, it will be a fully operating website within a couple weeks here. No question. Yeah, with products for sale. Probably something about Neil Waters on it.

I have a meeting in five minutes. Can we squeeze in a battle? Let's. You got something for us? Set it up. Quick battle. Oh, yeah. Let's hear the jing.

Let's hear the jing. Thanks, M.K. Love you. I think I know what time it is. Ooh, it's time. For what? Yeah, baby. Thank you.

Here we go. Simple, fun, clean. Creating a creature. Head, body, movement. Let's call it arms, legs, fins, whatever you want to give it. Head, body, movement. Yep. B, bong.

R3 creatures will be. competing in a triathlon, so you must build a creature that can run, swim, and cycle its way to victory. Cycle. Okay. Head, body, movement. Are we doing a toad draft? I'm sorry.

A snail snake draft. For us, since you know animals the best, please go first, because I have no idea what I'm to do. Absolutely. I am going to kick this off. The hardest component of the triathlon from the animal kingdom perspective has got to be the cycling. Yep.

So I am going to start this with some meaty old kangaroo legs. I'm going to put some kangaroo legs as my base. I just feel like those little fuckers can just just fly by. Smart. That's a strong pick.

Peter, since you don't know how it works when you're on the ends, why don't you go in the middle? Yeah, that's true. All right, I'm going to go with the, Jesus Christ, this is tough. I'll go with the movement of a

fucking hold on god damn it I need a minute I have to think about it because it's tough it's been a minute I know all right

it's been several I just don't know I'm gonna go with the legs of a fucking hippopotamus they swim oh god dude is that

okay I don't even have any questions I don't damn it this is too hard on the spot it's too hard hippo legs

and that's how is that helping you just sorry ask me, just tell me which one of the three triathlon events are the hippoly. Does it have to be my final answer? I panic. Yes, you've picked that. Because you said strong legs and I was thinking it's aquatic. It's in the water.

It can swim. It can go fast. They're just the legs right now. Hippos just so you know cannot swim. They actually run on the bottom. So there you got that. They're in. It's a very shallow triathlon.

We're not. Clearly. Yeah. It's in a bathtub or something. Yeah. Okay. Great. All right.

I'm also going to start with my movement. I am going to take the legs and feet of an emu. Oh, very nice. Long, long, strong. I think those will be useful in the run. I think those sort of fanned out feet will do pretty well in the water, and I think it's going to be very nice in the cycling. Great.

Now I've got, I need a head and a body. I'm going to just go with very simple here. I'm going to take the head of a chimp. I want a smart animal. I don't want it to be a very heavy head. I just want it to be smart so I can train it. Sure. I like that.

So I've got kangaroo legs and they are packed on. It's Peter's turn. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've written down the order in not how we decided to do it. I'm not going to derail, but I definitely, you guys fuck it up just as much as me. My body, my creature. Fuck.

I've really saddled myself with these legs. It's going to have the body Fuck you of a hippopotamus. That's right? Great. So your animal is a hippo in other words. It needs to be able to carry those legs. It needs to be, the body needs to be big enough to,

or else it wouldn't be able to move. So it needs to be the matching body of a hippopotamus. God, I'm so milked toast. Yeah, you're milkfish right now. Your milk carp. All right, I'm up. I think Patrick's up. Who started?

Did I start? Yeah, Forest is up for two. Let's go. Who's that first? What did you even go with there, Peter? What was your pick? The body, my friend of a hippopotamus. Okay.

He's got hippo legs and hippo body. Understood. It's going to be great at cycling. For sure, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so my next pick, I've got the legs of a kangaroo. They are slapped on to the body of a dolphin. Okay, so you just got this full dolphin body.

It's got the tail out the back on top of the bike. Kangaroo legs, as soon as it's go time, it's diving in the water. It tucks the legs up underneath it, gets going. To add to my kangaroo-legged dolphin-bodied creature, I am going to give it the head of a honey badger just because honey badgers are such tenacious creatures that it's going to have the mentality of something that it'll just never give up,

giving it the ability to win the triathlon. Okay. Yeah, the dolphin bodies are really good pick there. Ah, shit. Okay, so I have the head of a chimp, it's smart, got these great emu legs. I want a lightweight body that's going to be sleek. You're missing this section right now.

Yeah. I want something that's going to be very sleek as it moves through the water. It's not going to weigh it down as it runs. Smart. Or as it cycles, I'm going to take the body of a moray eel. Wow. That's cool. Slyther its way through the water, aiding in aerodynamics.

It's a big feat acting as flippers. Yeah. I see that. It's got this long body, this weird head, and these two big giant legs for cycling. That's cool. That's fun. I like that. Peter, ground yours out.

the hippo head so that we could call it a hippo and move away from this. No, I will not do that. Mine friends will have the head of a fucking pit bull. Fuck off. Okay. How, just real quick, because I know Patrick has to go, how is your hippo body and legs pit bull head going to literally do a single one of the three events? I mean, it will be able to certainly compete in the,

the running race. Yeah, slowly and in a very heavyish manner. Look at this reverse battle royale psychology. I have you guys defending my creature today. That's strength. All right, Chris, we're going to wrap this up. Merry Christmas to everybody.

Go on to the YouTube, the iTunes, wherever you listen to your podcast. Let us know who won the Battle Royale. Let us know what your triathlete creature would be. and hey, we haven't asked for this for a while. Maybe leave us like a five-star review, a nice comment. Let your friends read about us in your post. Yeah. Or leave us a real nasty worded comment, but still five stars.

That's true. That's clever. Thewildtimespodcast.com is where all those links can be found. If you want direct links to everything, the wildtimespodcast.com forward slash info. And patreon.com forward slash wild timespod. At wild timespod for all the socials. You know how to do it.

We know how we roll. Good day, gentlemen. It's an attractive otter mug, or is that a dog? That is my dog, sir, painted by our friend Kim. Very cute. It is cute. Good night. Christmas present.

Can I eat. Good night.