Wild Times: Wildlife Education - TWT#44 - Forced Monkey Labor is Bad, But P.E.T.A. is Insane

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Forrest Galante and the crew get heated discussing P.E.T.A., the broducer steals Retep's trademark hairstyle, and much more! Watch & listen anywhere @ https://thewildtimespodcast.com/info Join our wildlife and adventure community Discord @ http://wildtimes.club We love you!

All right, we are on the air. Welcome back to the Wild Times. This is our 44th week in a row, no breaks, of recording the number one wildlife slash comedy podcast in the galaxy. Not on planet Earth, not in the world, in the galaxy. That's a big to do, guys. In the known universe, if we want to be scientific. Yeah. Yeah, whatever.

Aliens are at death watching. It's in outer space. It's an out of space. It's an out of space. How are you guys? Retep, what's so good word, man? I'm pissed today because Pat's, Pat's taking my fucking, he's taken my trademark top-not look, and it looks like a fucking macaque monkey put it on top of his head.

It's on the side. Just get rid of that thing. What the fuck? What I choose to do with my hair should be of little concern to you. I got a look at you. Why are you looking? Why do you stare at me so much? It's very strange. I got a message from an old friend of 20 years who was watching live, and it was just a

diatribe about how big of a douche I am and how much he hates me. Oh, boy. And I was like, in my head, I'm like, why the fuck is, it's because he's staring at me the whole time, even though there's like all other shit going on, you know? So I give that, yeah. Well, don't be too pissed. Let's have some fun. Yeah, for sure.

Let's have a good time. I'm in a good, cheers. Well, that's good. Retep, Mr. Mr. Broducer, that's good. Patrick, you know, for those that are listening on iTunes, this is the first time in 44 straight weeks that any of us have ever seen. That's the first time in seven years of friendship, I don't know about Retepe that I've ever seen Popa Pee,

the one and only, the broducer, rockin a man bun. It's quite a look. Yeah. Yeah. I've committed to, okay, here's the thing. I've committed to just, I was getting some haircuts during COVID, right? Okay. It exploded in L.A. And I committed to just like not doing dumb shit, right? Yeah. So I was like, you know what? I can X out the haircuts. I mean, it's somebody I barely know breathing on my fucking head, even though they've got a mask on. So that said, I haven't had long hair since I was 17.

I decided to pop a little rubber band in the top. I've had the best day in months. Not dealing with the hair. No hat squeezing my head. I'm good, man. I respect that. I have an opinion on your general aesthetic. Overall is not positive, but specifically tonight is just that you should go.

Like, I'm currently obsessed with the show Peaky Blinders. Every waking moment that I have that I'm not working, I'm watching Peaky Blinders. It's insane. Yeah, yeah. I would love it. if you went, I googled this, went for the undercut, which is the shaved side and back with the long on top. With just like, it's like a hard line. It's not like a nice casual gradient to the top of your hair.

It's just like a hard line. Yeah, mate. Find your own fucking look. Stop stealing mine. Dickhead. I'll do that, Forrest, I'll do that for the next podcast if you do. If I do? This is great.

Yeah. Dude. Oh, man, that's balzy. I, be sweet, dude. I'm not committing, but I'm also not saying no. I'm going to think about it. Forrest is under contract. He can't change his appearance too much.

Use that excuse to get out of it. Yeah, sure. That's not true, but yeah, that sounds good. So what's up with you this week, Forrest? I know you've been busy doing all sorts of shit out there doing your influencer program, making news. Speaking of news, though, this is a wildlife show. Let's kick it off on the right foot. What tickled your fancy this week?

What's in it? Look, there's a lot. There's a lot of fun stuff. going on in the news this week. There's some interesting whale news. There's something coming out. There's all kinds of good stuff. But there's one thing that I thought was just silliness.

Just, I mean, just ridiculous nonsense coming out of Singapore and these silly Singaporeans because they have started, there's a doctor there, Dr. Ark, who has started a booming business where exotic fish owners are getting cosmetic surgery for their pet fish. Yeah. Yep, that's right. You heard me right, baby birds. There is a doctor arc who is a self-taught, not a real doctor. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, no, probably not even his name,

who has created a menu of cosmetic procedures for people to perfect their fish, as he puts it. Most often people, so there's a fish called a red arijuana. It's actually an animal that could be extinct in the wild. It's something I've considered looking for because they were all captured from Borneo where they come from and put into the pet trade. because they're unbelievably beautiful. We'll do me a favor. Pull up a picture of a red aruana.

I mean, striking beautiful fish. Well, in case they weren't naturally beautiful enough, Dr. Ark has said, hey, people with red aruanas and really any kind of arijuana, but specifically red aruanas, if you want me to make a home visit, you know, perform a little vanity surgery for your fish, I'm your guy, and he comes over.

He does fish facelifts, fish eye correction surgery, if they've got droopy eyes. He removes blemishes on scales and does, this is the best one. He does thin enlargements. I mean, yeah, okay. So I saw there's one guy, so this red aruanas an expensive fish. People spend a thousand Singapore dollars, whatever that.

Yes, very expensive. They're like 15, 20 grand here in the States. Okay. So here's a quote from Desmond Yee, who had just bought a thousand dollar red arijuana. and he was really excited. He said he's excited about the prospect of having a perfect fish. And after the procedure that Dr. Arc did, he said, quote, he's still got a few parts that need touching up.

So he's not perfect yet, you know. He's okay. Here's what I love about shit like this. I've been seeing a lot of non-traditional doctors. They actually are doctors, acupuncturists and like chiropractors and shit, for some shit I've had going on with my ears. And it's hilarious because here's a quote from the article

where he says, he thinks that giving the fish a better appearance is, quote, a good deed. The owner will be more affectionate to them. And like, it's just hilarious because I've experienced this in every one that I've gone to that's not a traditional medical doctor. they're always like have some selling salesy marketing point, like some spin on it. Like it's going to cure everything that's wrong with you.

Even if it doesn't fix your problem, you're going to feel better. Right. So I always find that using. There's a place in Beverly Hills called Ron's Tea Garden, not a sponsor, but it's a whole herbal Chinese herbal medicine shop. And it's just real expensive.

Yeah. And so I have a buddy who, he's like a big time personal trainer to the stars you know trains LeBron James during the offseason like he's really well researched and into this shit and he he told me to come meet him

at Ron's Tea Garden is that they make these dope teas right and he's like it's all these like natural herbs and shit but he's really into this shit so I went and I got this tea that was supposed to be like your energy and focus tea because I was writing that day it legit felt like drugs

Yeah, man. Not psychosomatic. Like, no bullshit. I really felt like they had just crushed up, and they may have just crushed up Adderall and put it in my tea. Dude. Yeah. But it was fucking intense, man.

So it wired you. You actually felt something. But like, here's what it felt like. I didn't feel wired jittery like caffeine. It just felt like I was like super locked in. And like, every, like, mental clarity that I had not experienced in a long time. It was clear that I was on something. Right.

Wow. It was interesting. Yeah, I don't know what it was in that shit. Not to, as you guys say, dog leg too much. But I'll tell you this. It's funny that we think that just because it's not like a prescription drug or like, you can get fucking fucked up. Remember when they were selling basically amphetamines in that shit over the counter way back in the day that it was like.

Yeah. It's like. Well, dude, take a psilocybin mushroom. If you don't think just eating an herb or plant can fuck you up. Great point. Like, take a little tiny mushroom or there's, you know, eat one poison berry and see how you feel. Like, clearly, plants can have a major effect. I don't know if they can cure your inability to get an erection permanently, but maybe they help you out in the moment.

Well, hey, do you think that given a fish, a facelift is actually, I don't understand the mentality behind it? Is it a good deed for us? As a biologist, would you say it's a good deed to get a fish? It's terrible. I don't, if, if there's anybody outside of Dr. Ark himself who thinks that this is a good deed, just, just look in the mirror and just say it out loud. Just say to yourself, just stand in a mirror, look at yourself, dead in the eyes, and say, is giving a fish cosmetic surgery a good deed?

And if you're, you come away with anything but the answer, no, you, sir or ma'am, are a complete buffoon because fish don't need facelifts. And that is, I am taking a hard stance on that. That's a fucking shirt. And if I wasn't so fucking lazy, I'd make it tonight. There you go. I wanted to get both of your opinions on this piece of news. And let's not do this.

I don't want, let's not turn this into, oh, what a bummer. Okay? Let's not do that. Because we can all agree you shouldn't mistreat animals. Pierre. Yeah, right. I love animals more than even you too. You guys might be smart, but I love fucking animals.

You do have a lot of love in that heart of ears. So retailers nationwide are dropping chow cow cow cow coconut products, coconut water, coconut milk, all the things you can derive from a coconut. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Stores are starting to refuse to sell them because PETA has discovered that they are enslaving monkeys as forced labor. they have chains around their necks

and they have taught them to pick coconuts all day with chains around their necks and here's the worst part they're not paying they're not giving them a paycheck well yeah they are monkeys but they're primates I feel like minimum wage applies to all primates yeah okay that's fair

man what's your thought about this it's a bummer take it away yeah I mean my thought about this is okay, it's, I hate it. I mean, it's like when I come across some... We all agreed that part. It's bad. All right. Relax. Stop interrupting, you fucking top-knit.

When you rant about negative shit, you can't? I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, I'm going to say this. Fucking monkeys are used for all kinds of research purposes and other fucking shit. And it's, I mean, I guess just add it to the list of fucking things that Pete is going to complain about.

I don't agree with it. I don't think they should fucking have chains around their necks and, and be fucking picking coconuts all day, man. Fuck coconuts and fuck pita. Wait, I don't know if that makes sense.

No, you like Peter. I don't know if I like pizza either. We're going to talk a whole other rant about pita very shortly after this. I got a whole other thing that we're going to get into about pita very soon. But, okay, look, here's my opinion.

It's a bummer. We've all agreed on that, moving forward. It's also hilarious. Okay, the fact that the New York Post has a headline about monkey labor or forced monkey slave labor or whatever. Stop it. Obviously stop it. Obviously, if this is true, nobody wants to see abused monkeys with chains around their necks.

Patrick, you and I have seen it in, where did we find, remember that little monkey with the chain around his neck? I think it was Indo. I don't remember. Jesus. I don't either, but you remember we couldn't show it on TV. They said it was too sad. Yeah, and I was like, you know, like I didn't want to buy it because that perpetuated it. And he was just sitting there with that little chain on his neck. It was awful. I've seen it. It's terrible.

But the fact that there's a New York Post headline about forced monkey slave labor is, I'm not heartless. It's very funny. It's like something that you would see in the Simpsons as a headline. That is. Yeah, it really is. But this is how elaborate. This is how elaborate. So this is in Thailand.

They have coconut farms there. This is how elaborate the operation is. They have, on every single farm they said, they have forced monkey labor. They also have multiple training facilities. where they train the monkeys to pick the coconuts. That means someone had this idea. Right. And implemented it by setting up a massive, probably multi-million dollar operation.

Right. Yeah, right. And I think about that conversation. Like the CFO comes in and is like, man, our margins are just shit. I mean, should we get out of the coconut? Should we get into papaya? Well, what's our main cause? The labor, it's killing us.

It's, well, this is an accurate depiction of what it probably was like. Can you imagine how much that guy got laughed at when he first pitched it, too? And then, you know, fast forward nine months, he's like, I fucking told you. Well, and that guy's like, look at that monkey up that tree, picking that coconut. I fucking told you. Yeah, but now fast forward to this article and they're getting fucked. So it all comes around. Okay.

Sorry, I was going to say there's varying level. of that, right? I don't agree with any animals being mistreated. We all know that. But, you know, in China, there are, I think it's China, I'm not actually sure. There are these fishermen that use cormorants, you know, cormorants, the birds, and they have

these cormorants with these little rings around their neck, which I know sounds terrible, but bear with me. And on those rings, well, rather, they have this whole flock of cormorants, which are flying birds that can also dive and fish and hunt underwater, right? And they do this thing with these cormorants, where they train them, they catch the cormorants,

and they go out on the boats and the cormorants dive in off the boats and go out and catch fish, and they come back to the boat and start to try and swallow the fish. And as the fish gets to the ring, if it's too big, the cormorant spits it up and it lands on the boat. And then the cormorant goes, I kind of eat that and goes back to fishing. Right. Now, any fish that's a certain size, the cormant swallows and is very happy. And any fish that's too big, which is obviously perfect for fishermen, the cormorant ends up eating. Now this is, or sorry, the cormorant gives up and the fisherman gets up eating.

And this is an age-old tradition that has been around for, I don't even know how long, obviously, but, you know, it's been around forever of these guys raising these cormorants to go fishing with them and have this kind of symbiotic relationship where the guys will, you know, they'll paddle around and basically find the fish, then the cormorants will hop in the water and do all the heavy lifting. The cormorants get a nice place to sleep at night. They get tons of fish to eat. they're bred for this purpose. Like, it's not awful.

You know what I mean? That could be considered, if you're talking about PETA, that could probably be considered cormor and slave labor. You know what I mean? Sure. There's varying levels of this stuff.

Yeah. So let's say, I've spent, you know, a bunch of time in Greenland where everyone in the winter you get around with sled dogs, right? Yeah. So people who hunt or do whatever,

most people have a pack of sled dogs. They're called Greenland dogs, they're like a wolf hybrid. They're working dogs. Those dogs spend most of their time chained up outside, right? So they're on chains, they live outdoors, they don't have dog houses, and they're chained up at a distance so they can't attack each other, whatever. Right.

Do you think working dogs who spend their life chained up, is that the same as these monkeys, or is it different only because the monkeys are primates and they're more intelligent? I mean, and again, like I said, there's levels, right? I'm sure that... And from my experience in Thailand, those monkeys are probably treated terribly and they are abused, right? From your experience in Greenland,

those dogs are loved, even though they're not indoor dogs, I'm assuming, right? Because I've seen sled dogs as well. They're loved, they're not indoor dogs. Yeah. If they have too many, too much of a litter, they drown them in bathtubs, which is horrific, but aside from that, yeah.

Well, let me, so let me answer your question with another question. Have you ever been to, and I've experienced this most with this breed, if you ever been to a friend's house and they've got an Australian Shepherd or a border collie, and that dog is just fucking nuts. And it's just driving you nuts, especially with Australian Shepherd. It's like nipping, it's running around in circles. It's going, you know, whee-ne-ne-le-me-whatever. It's just driving you, like, bananas. And the family is like, I hate Ruffles over there. He's like the worst dog ever. That's because Ruffles is a working dog who has been genetically designed to do work,

and he lives in a West Hollywood apartment hating his fucking life. And he's got so much pent up energy and anxiety and no outlet for it because he's a working dog who someone goes, that's a pretty dog. I want one because they bought the wrong breed of dog for their lifestyle. Now, I'm not saying that's the same thing of these monkeys. I'm not saying it's the same thing as the cormorants, but there are animals genetically designed or predisposed to working,

and if they don't get to work, they will be a mess. Now, not all of them. There's variations just like there aren't people and personalities. But some of these animals love to do these things. By the way, monkeys love to pick coconuts. I'm not saying they want to do it 14 hours a day with a chain around their neck, but monkeys love to pick coconuts. They just do.

So, you know, so it's like there's varying levels. And my problem with this story, and I haven't read the report or anything, is that it came out from PETA. and PETA, and we'll get into a whole thing on that. No, just get into it. Just go. Get into the rant, man. That's called a segue in the biz.

It is. That's true. PETA is nuts. You know, I've said this before, and I've actually worked with PETA, and on an individual level, some of them are great. You know, some of the people that work there are awesome people. But on a organization level, they can be like a terrorist organization. I mean, they can be absolutely nuts. And the thing that comes to mind, this thing that I saw just last week, is, you know,

is PETA is calling on humans to denounce animal insults, insults like chicken or pig. So in other words, if I go, ah, Peter, you're such a chicken, you know, you're scared of doing that, or, or, you know, Patrick, you're such a rat, man, like, you eat like a pig. PETA is saying that that is, and this is one of my new favorite terms with the whole second story, species, and it's just, it's a terrible thing and that we have to do away with it.

Like it's going to hurt the chicken or pig or snake or rats' feelings. No, this is... Like, they know that you're calling... Like, if I go, oh, Retev, you're such a chicken, you won't jump, or, you know, you won't chug that beer or whatever. Can you start referring to me as a pig? Like, there's a chicken that's going to overhear that in the restaurant and be like, oh, that's unbelievable.

Did you hear what that guy called him? It's absurd. You know, it's just... It's absurd. It's mental. I would have to think that the point they're attempting to make, which I agree with you, this is preposterous beyond belief, is that if, you know, a bunch of kids here you being like,

look at it, look at the way you eat, you pig. that by the time that kid grows up, they're going to walk by a pig and be like, ugh, pig and kick the pig, right? That's got to be their point. If the point is that the pig's going to hear it

and be like, mm-hmm, and be sad, then they're mental. No. They're mental either way. Pig. They're mental either way.

I take personal offense to this. Pig is, I've been calling everybody I know a pig for two decades. I have a shirt that says pig trash. Are you currently wearing a t-shirt that says pig No, but I wore it when we recorded the dailies that will be coming out this week. Pig, I will fight this. I will storm the Capitol with the guns I don't have to fight PETA on this one.

Because they don't work at the Capitol, but sure, sure, sure, sure. I meant the Capitol of PETA. I like Patrick's point, right, which is not to, like, villainize these certain animals and their qualities. At the same time, I own two pigs. I don't know anyone at PETA that owns pigs. I own 35 chickens. You know, I have two pigs right there. Right behind my office wall lives two pigs.

Two pigs right here. I dare you to go and feed them, okay? And tell me how graceful and beautiful it is. I mean, they're disgusting. Like, they don't eat nicely. So, you know, to be like you eat like a pig. Yeah. That's the whole point of your insult.

Like, listen. It's the other thing too, yeah. It's like you're fucking, you're calling somebody. Okay, so what's next? You can't call somebody stupid when they're acting like a dick or when when they're being dumb, you can't call somebody an asshole. Don't call them an asshole. That's gender an asshole.

I mean, that's what I mean. That's the bigger point is like, can we, can anyone have fun? Period. No. Have we entered the cycle in whatever's happening in society to where literally you better not have fucking fun. If you laugh, if you smile, if a dad and his son want to joke around on the couch while watching a game or a movie together, you know, can they do that?

Can anyone smile? No. You know what I mean? Fun is not allowed any. My friend told him to stop smiling when he sent me that message because he said I looked like a bitch. He did. It's dumb. So do you like PETA in general for us?

Do they do good work? Yeah, I don't know much about PETA. No, I have some, I like, I like, I like PETA. I know I hesitated. I had to think about it because what they stand for is a very good thing, right? The acronym PETA means people for the. ethical treatment of animals. Like, shit, I'll get that tattooed on my chest. You know what I mean? Like, I'm for it. But the way that they have conducted their business, some of the things like this,

like this denouncing the word, it's like, it's so extreme and overboard. And it's not like, okay, if we push to this extreme, then maybe it'll land back here and that's their justification. You know what I mean? It's like they're for this. Like this term species, and I have a funny story about that I'll tell in the second. This is like a thing that they're promoting, right? Now, let me get into that for a second, right? The specious is like being racist against species, valuing one more than the other. That's what specious means, right? My funny story is this.

Every now and then I check my Instagram message request, right? Because if you don't follow someone, it goes into like a request folder when they send you a message. I get hundreds, you know, thousands sometimes of message requests. A-lister. No, shut up. I'm telling you a story. So I don't check them every day because it would take up too much time. So I check them like once every couple of weeks.

and, you know, there's this massive queue, and usually I read through like half of them and then hit delete all because it's just too many. Well, this one day, not too long ago, maybe three weeks ago, I'm looking at my message requests, and I see that there's some woman, I can't remember her name, and I open her message. And there's like 40 messages from her, right? And I at a first glance, I'm like, oh, cool, whatever, like a super fan or something. And she is just ranting about what an awful human being I am, how I'm a species because I eat meat, how I don't, you know, what a liar. I am for calling myself a wildlife biologist and a conservationist because I don't value the lives of fish and chicken and cows and like, I mean, it's just gnarly. So obviously that was a hard delete. But this term species is what's driving me nuts. And I'll explain it in the most simple

terms I can, right? I'll give you an analogy. Do it. Yeah, what do you got? There's 400 snow leopards left in the world, 400 of them. They're at top of the food chain. Not all snow leopards. I'm thinking of specific subspecies. But, um, Anyway, there's 400 of them left, right? 400, that's it. They're at the top of the food chain. They're an apex predator, which, as we've talked about, has that cascade effect. It's like the wolves in Yellowstone.

When you remove them, it destroys the whole ecosystem, right? There's how many billions of, say, invasive Argentine ants in North America? I mean, billions, right? If you guys go look in your cupboards right now, you'll find a thousand of them, right? They're the ants that run around everywhere. They're an invasive Argentine ant. Now, if you look at the 400, if you go, if you go, and you collect a snow leopard and you collect an Argentine ant and you kill both of those,

you tell me that they have the same value, scientifically speaking. You tell me that killing that ant and killing that snow leopard of which we are desperately in need of genetically speaking or killing that ant, which we should be killing because it's an invasive species and there's gazillions of them have the same weight. Even if you take the invasive species out of the equation. Would anyone say that, though? Well, would anyone say that? Yes, that's being species.

It's valuing the life of one animal more than the life of another. That is the definition of being species. Well, he's illustrated. So this whole species term, it goes against science. That's what pisses me off. The species thing goes against science. Science is like, oh, snow leopard's super valuable, small genetic pool, top of the food chain, keep them around, and sardine, whatever, bottom of the food chain, not important if one dies.

But that's specious because the term speciesus means one, all life is, is, of equal value in the animal kingdom, which it's scientifically not. Well, let me go back to something, just back to PETA in general, and you said, you brought up the point that, you know, some of the shit they do is terroristic. And, I mean, any organization that's around long enough, I feel like starts to become somewhat or dramatically extreme in that regard. Because, I mean, especially in today's society, because look at how. polarizing everything is.

Even the species thing you're talking about, this woman is sending you 40 messages basically telling you you should kill yourself because of some, like, what would otherwise be if social media and the world wasn't in the way that the shape that it was right now with all the polarization of everything

wouldn't be a non-issue. She would never even think about this. She would never contact you. So it's like there's always these good aspects to everything. Like look at even religion, for example, at a certain point Catholicism. I mean, it's still used when somebody dies. You know, they tell stories about how you're going to see them again.

It comforts people. There's all these things. But, you know, it's like human nature pushes us to polarize these big ideologies because you, I don't know what it is, man. Maybe it's because you get so much hate in one way pushing in the other. And then you get bitter. And all of a sudden, you're like a power maniac. You're like at the top of this organization

and you got this big chip on your shoulder and you're fucking a terrorist organization now. I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday about some political bullshit. And, you know, he made a good point, which was like if I think I don't have many friends that have strong political ideologies or really any strong ideologies.

Most, almost everybody I know personally that I'm friends with and know a lot about them just as pretty much, like. like, yeah, do whatever you want. You know, I don't really care that. You know, like, most people I know don't have a strong thing that must, everything must fit within that and that's what you do. And I think in general, like, probably the more miserable you are just being a human

being wearing your own skin and waking up every day and needing a purpose. Yeah. The more you're going to go extreme in a direction because that gives you purpose, right? It's not easy. The human condition is a way of explaining the fact that we, we're quite possibly the only animal on earth that's hyper aware of from the time that we're two years old that we have a finite period to live and that the second half of that period will be a steady decline into shitting ourselves in a hospital.

That's great. So that's part of being a human and it can be hard and it weighs on people. Something you want to tell us, Pat? You okay? No, I mean, I don't. I think it's making a good point. No, absolutely. It's just like if just the day to day of waking up and dealing with life is difficult,

you may become more radical and more extreme in your beliefs as time goes on, regardless of what your cause is, whether it's protecting animals or wanting to kill Donald Trump or wanting to storing the Capitol or whatever the fuck it is, you know? Yeah. And I think there's something about like the minority groups or like the extreme minorities, right, where they're so extreme on one political scale or another or. or one, you know, a cause like petas or whatever it is, that are the loudest, too, right? It's like, my thing is so outrageous that I'm going to bang the drum the loudest so that

everybody hears it, as opposed to, like, all of us on this call. And, you know, like you said, Patrick, everybody that you know, who's all like, yeah, just be you know, like, that's how I feel. It's like, I don't care who you marry or what your social views are or your ethnicity. Like, I don't care about any of that. Like, I'll like you for you or dislike you for you. Like, you know. Yeah.

But that's just, that's the majority of how, I think, that's how the majority. majority of people feel, but those people that have super strong opinions about those things are just going to scream and shout about it. And right now is a time where if you're in the group where it's like, I just don't want thought policing. I don't care what you think. I don't care what you do. It's just easier to stay quiet because why would you go out and be like, he has the right to be offensive? It's like, just shut up. I mean, yeah, the five, 10 percent that are angry or offended by everything are the ones who are doing it on social media and everyone else kind of

has to agree or risk getting canceled, essentially. Right. And if you're, and if you speak up against that extremist, you get labeled as something, too. Well, you're done. You got to be careful. You got to tip-tor.

You got to tip-tow around everything. And I mean, I think a lot of it has to do too just, uh, with like, being ostracized because, and like with the pandemic and shit and people are fucking like secluded. Like they're inside.

All they have is the internet and there, and people are just getting insane. Uh, uh, to illustrate. Today I was at the park and these two fucking idiot mothers came with their children, all six of them. And they went and started playing pickleball or whatever, something with a racket like 30 yards away and just let their fucking kids run around this giant park. And the kids are all fucking like, oh, hey, I'm going to go stand by me.

Me. I'm fucking laying there. I'm like trying to work in the park. And like, what am I going to do? I just got up and left, but I was so fucking furious. I was like, these fucking dumb bitches, they're everything I had. hate in the world. Jesus.

In my head. Right. So what were they doing? They were breathing. The kids were maskless and breathing on you? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, of course, in my head, it was exaggerate.

I was like, they were still, they were like, like, six feet. But then they kept like coming closer and closer. But of course, in today's society now, I'm like, ugh. Like, I got to get down out of here. But then, of course, I'm also now hating these two moms who are like 26, who I've never met. But I'm just like, I'm just like, I can't. Wait until you have a kid. kid.

Yeah, so I'm just like... Dude, wait till you have a kid. I mean, I don't have a kid, but like, God, I can only imagine that you're five, six years in. It sounds like they had three each or whatever. Yeah. I'm sure they're just like, I don't care what that fucking loser and the Asukar's hat thinks about us.

I need a fucking break. Yeah, it's like if my kid wants to run to the other side of the park, great. If he's not screaming in my face for five minutes, that'll be amazing. I don't care who else is hating it. Run up to a white van and disappear, and then I'll only have two, which was always the plan. I want to go back to something that we were talking about. You know, I got derailed there and started ranting on, you know, terrorism and extremism and all kinds of isms. It's when people listen, man.

They want to hear you rant for us. That's true. Well, I'm good at it. Well, I'm going to bring up something else that was in the news that's pretty fun. And it, I was reminded of it when we were talking about monkey slave labor. There is a temple where research is. actually shown that wild macaques that come into this temple have learned to steal from humans. Now, that's not new. Like, I've had stuff stolen from me, and I can tell you guys about that

in a little bit by monkeys at a temple. Well, that's like that famous YouTube video where they basically, like, storm that, this, like, tourist area and starts drinking all the booze, right? Those are macaques, right? You guys seen that video where they, like, come into the tourist season? Oh, yeah, yeah. And they start drinking all the rum and get hammered and eat the food. they just leave. They just steal all the booze. I haven't seen that video, but I'll tell you my story in a minute. It was a whole racket. I got like, I got done in. Like I got, I got stood up. I had to pay money, all kinds of things. But anyway, the interesting part about this piece of news is that these macaques have actually learned to identify the high value items. So instead of stealing a shoe,

or a hat, they'll steal your iPhone now and then hold it for ransom until you give them something. because they know if they steal your hat or, you know, whatever, a rapper or something out the corner. You're just like, yeah, I don't care. It's just my hat. But when they steal your iPhone, you're like, oh, shit, my iPhone, my iPhone. You know, here, monkey, here, monkey. Which is, you know, like we're talking about the slave labor. We're talking about their intelligence level and all that.

That's pretty bonkers. Like, it's one thing for a monkey to just grab and run. It's another thing for him to pickpocket your most high value items and then hold them for ransom. It's pretty nuts. If you're just listening to the audio, head over to the YouTube. producer Will has pulled up an actual picture of a macaque holding somebody's cell phone. Looks like it's trying to fucking break that iPhone in half. So this temple, this temple is in Bali, which is obviously a very heavily touristed area.

So no shortage of iPhones and fucking passport holders. And you'll pay good fucking money for that shit. So let me tell my story about if it's this exact temple. I actually don't know this story. You do or don't? I don't know this. No, yeah. So when I was in Bali with my girlfriend, by the way, if any Brosner's never been to Bali, if you're really looking to impress somebody, and I mean really looking to impress them, take them to Bali because I'm not a very romantic guy. I'm a wildlife scientist. I'm usually dirty. I am very rarely shaven cleanly. Like, I'm a mess. And Bali is the most gorgeous romantic place ever, period.

Really? Oh, my God, dude. There's nowhere else that anybody should ever. go for a honeymoon period. Affordable too. It's so romantic. Everything smells beautiful. The resorts are incredible. It's cheap as dirt. Everything is made for romance in Bali. You can't get into a bathtub without floating candles

and pedals on it anywhere in the country. I think there's a law. It's just insane. Anyway, I was in Bali with my girlfriend, and we went to one of these temples. In fact, I believe we went to the monkey temple in Obood, but I can't remember if there was that one or a different one. And sure,

enough, we're walking through the temple, and there's this sweet old lady, this old Balinese lady, and she's like, you know, she's got her macaques around, and she's giving them a little banana here, and, you know, a little, you know, nothing terrible, you know, just like, oh, cool, look at the macaques, and look at the sweet old little lady, right? And you keep walking on the tour. And five minutes later, you know, I think it was Jess. So my girlfriend, like, screams. It was like, ah, this monkey stole my, I think it was her phone. I can't really remember anymore, but it grabbed something from her. Right. And we were like, you know, I'm like, ah, let me handle this. I'm the animal guy. And I'm like, come here, monkey. Come here, monkey. I'm like trying all the stuff and grabbing food and trying all these things. And the monkey's just sitting, you know, 30 feet up in a tree looking at me like, fuck you, buddy. Like zero interest. Yeah, it's like, I could fuck with it. I could fuck ten of you, bro. Yeah. Dude, it was flexing on me so hard. So all of a sudden, Miss sweet little old Balinese lady walks up to me and she's like in pretty perfect English.

She's like, oh, that monkey, it looks like he's stolen something from you. And I'm like, yeah, she's like, oh, well, these are great monkeys. You know, I know that monkey. He's just, he's got this thing where, like, you have to give him a candy bar if you want to get your phone back. And I'm like, a candy bar, that's really unhealthy. And she's like, yeah, you know, and they're really specific. Like, they only like, I don't remember what it was, but let's say Snickers bars, right? And I'm like, what, shut up.

You know, and I was real, I wouldn't say shut up. I was very polite. I was like, oh, okay, well, you know, like, I'm. And like listen, you know, in my head I'm thinking like, listen, lady. Like I work with animals for a living. Like, why don't you take a seat and watch how it's done? That's what I'm thinking in my head. Well, after 30 more minutes of me, like, dancing, throwing my hat at the monkey, like, throwing bananas in the tree.

Everything you can name. And this monkey's sitting there looking at me with its eyes rolled back out of boredom. I turned to the woman and I'm like, okay, you know, we've now been here an hour and 20 minutes trying to get the cell phone back. And I'm like, you know, do you know where I can get one of these, these balinese candy bars? the Snickers, so to speak. And she's like, yeah, they're really hard to find. You know, and the monkey really only likes them. I have one.

And I was like, great. You know, can I grab that from you? You know where the story's going. And she's like, yeah, no problem. You know, 20 bucks. That's when you just slapped her right in the fucking face. 20 bucks? It was something like, it was something outrageous.

That's a huge salary for her. No, straight up, dude. And she's like, 20 bucks. And I'm like, excuse me? She's like, yeah, that's how much I sell them for. They're 20 bucks. And I'm like, okay. I'll definitely find these somewhere else.

And, you know, and then I've got my girlfriend who's like, come on, I need to get the phone. I'm like, fuck, all right, fine. Here's your 20 bucks. The lady literally reaches into her pocket. She hasn't even pulled the whatever Snickers bar out of her. Monkey's standing in front of her, hands the phone to Jessica. Doesn't even like kind of do it. Hands it to her.

grabs the Snickers bar and off goes the monkey. And the woman's like, oh, I'm so sorry this happened. You know, like good luck next time, blah, blah, blah. And I walk away. and I'm like, I think I just got done. But it was still, the way it played out, it didn't feel like it. Well, sure enough, we lap around the temple. We're about to head out, and I'm like, just give me a second, would you?

And Jess was like, sure. And I just trot the like 150 yards over to where the whole thing happened. Sure enough, there stands an unsuspecting white couple. Monkeys in the tree with the iPhone. Lady is going, you know, he loves this candy bar. He just loves this kind of, the whole thing's a fucking racket. By the way, this is fucking, I'm proud of that lady. Me too.

I was going to say, this is. fucking genius. At first I said, you should slap this bitch in the face. But, but this, she has earned that fucking money. They have trained that monkey and this is brilliant.

And by the way, you paid 20 bucks. Basically, I would look at it as a show. You got a show. But you're like an animal guy, so it doesn't matter. But like any normal unsuspected couple who are not in animals, like I would look back

on that and be like, that's a pretty good fucking story and I'm entertained. It's a racket, dude. It's a good, and it's a good racket. And, you know, the monkey's fat and happy. She makes probably a pretty decent living. Like, I'm curious what happens if you're the guy who's like, I'm not paying that. Have you ever looked at, I don't know

if there is anyone? Have you ever looked up how much those candy bars cost at like a shop? Like, 12 cents? Some Balinese candy. I don't know. Like, I was just flustered. Did she give the candy to the monkey? Oh, yeah. Straight up.

handed it to the monkey. Got it. The monkey wouldn't fucking follow the rules on the next scam, dude. Dude, they've got the whole thing worked out. The only thing that I don't like about the story is that the monkey's mostly subsiding on Snickers. But aside from that, I mean, the monkey's got a good deal going. The lady's thrilled.

And I'm pretty sure, because she had, I told you, when I walked in, there were like half a dozen macaques around her. So she's got a troop of, she's got a herom. She has of the thieving monkey. I mean, she is like, what was it, all of her twist, where they're all running around pickpocketing everybody and they bring it back? She's got her all of her twist gang of macaques there. Oh, God, excuse me. I'd watch a documentary on this lady.

Netflix, go find her. I know. Gross. I can't take you seriously with that top knot. Please, never again. Okay. Top knot, boy. That's right.

Me. Top knot boy. Not you. Not you. Sorry. Sounds like George Costanza over there. All right. I want to try a new game here.

So we've all been researching for a project. We've been researching some interesting animal behaviors. And I have been compiling this document on my side. And I found some things that have blown my mind. So what I'm going to do, legit, things that make me think we're living in a simulation or a video game or someone else's imagination. Because this shit is so weird. Like when you do Bizarre Animal of the Week, it always blows my mind. But some of this stuff is like beyond comprehension crazy.

crazy. Okay? So I'm going to name a power or an ability that an animal has. I'm going to tell you a couple sentences about it. Then you're going to guess, and I want all the brosuners to play along with the game. Ah, okay. You're going to guess what the animal is. You guys are going to guess, yeah. Got it. I got it. Yeah, I get the game. That's fun. I like that. All right. So this is an animal that really exists. When attacked or threatened, it releases about the equivalent of a teaspoon of this chemical that it produces inside its body through its skin.

Okay? About a teaspoon worth. So you can picture a teaspoon, not very big. Okay. When that teaspoon combines with water, which it lives in, that one teaspoon turns into about 13 gallons of the stickiest slime

you can imagine. Will is going to pull up a picture. Okay. But wait, Riteb has to guess what it is first. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't show it, because I think a couple of the animals are in the thing. So there's a sticky-ass slime.

Think about this. How small the animal is to produce 13 gallons of slime in one release, it would be the equivalent of if it was the size of an elephant, right? With one single release, it could cover 13 football, fields from end zone to end zone in the stickiest shit in the world. That's like that scene in scary movie where he hasn't had sex for a hot second and then she's

glued to the ceiling. You know, that's, you know, that's very much like that. That's what came to my mind when you were talking about a release. A single release. All right. So what animal is this for TEP? What do you think? This is.

God. So confident. How big was it again? It releases a T-Soon? I'm not going to tell you. Oh. It was a teaspoon through its skin. One teaspoon through the skin?

How many animals can you name that release things through their skin is a better question? I can name zero, and that's why I will go against everything that Peter has taught me and say that this is some type of miniature seafaring pig. That's all I've got. It's a great guess. Do you know what it is for us?

I do, yeah. It's a hagfish, slime eel, as they call them in the trade. Right? Yeah, it's a hagfish. Well, look at that stuff. That is the slime? Yeah. That was close.

Come on. Have you ever touched that slime? I have, yeah. So Santa Barbara, where I live here, is actually a pretty big commercial port for it. And they put these cage traps down deep, like 600 feet deep with like really gross, dead rotting crap in there. And the hagfish, which their deep seat cleanup, right? You might have seen them on planet Earth where they come in and they strip down a whale carcass in no time. That's hagfish.

So they come in and get caught in these traps and the fishermen pull them up. and then they literally like milk the slime by like handling these fish and then the slime goes in a bucket and the eel goes overboard. And I know this because I've got a bunch of friends or commercial fishermen here in Santa Barbara. And one day I was down at the docks and they were coming in and my buddy Royce had them on his on his boat. And I was like, hey, can I like, I've never actually seen the slime eel slime. Do you mind if I like see it? And he's like, don't touch it. And I'm like, I got to touch it.

So I stuck my hand in this vat of the slime. and it was, I mean, I couldn't drive home. It was that bad. Like, I just, there was nothing I could do in the water, in the, with soap, in the bathroom at the, at the marina to get it off my hand. Like nothing. It took days to get rid of it. And that was before it was mixed with water.

We'll pull up the picture of the car. So there was actually an incident in, I believe, California, where a truck, a commercial truck that was carrying hagfish, live hagfish, Oh my God. Was involved in a car accident. If you blow that, don't blow it up, Will, but if you blow that picture up, you can see a bunch of hagfish on the ground. All of the hagfish slimed simultaneously. Yeah, I'm sure.

They couldn't move the fucking cars. I'm sure. Dude, it's like super good. And I don't think you've said this, Patrick, so that people can learn something out of this. This isn't just like they're trying to eat the fish and this is a byproduct. They're actually harvesting these fish for the slime. slime gets used in toothpaste. It gets used in, I think, sexual lubricant, but some kind of lubricant for sure. A bunch of other things. And I think they're coming up with more and more uses for it

because it's an extremely sustainable thing to harvest because there's gazillions of these fish. They breed very readily. They're at the bottom of the food chain. They're, you know, scavengers. They just eat dead things. And they produce this ridiculous amounts of this liquid that is much more sustainable than like, you know, a petroleum-based product. So it's actually, the whole thing's really cool, I think. Yeah, it's a unique, they said that what makes, what creates the slime, the thing they release that combines with water, the actual slime itself is 99.8% water and only 0.2% of this little bit of protein that they release from their body. And it's a unique protein in nature. They've never found this protein sequence anywhere else. Pretty fucking cool, man.

Oh, dude, that is cool. I for one. Do you know, I mean, you're reading, Patrick, do you know if that's something they can synthesize, like they've been able to replicate it? I'm guessing not or they wouldn't still be fishing it. I gathered no because they are doing these hagfish farms. Yeah. So, but I don't know. It's just easier and cheaper.

I mean, to fucking do it that way right now. But dude, I'm happy to know about another, another thing that animals produce that is like the spider web, which is insanely fucking strong for, it's like, the strongest fucking material on earth or whatever. And I have another now a battle royale thing that I can use for the future. Oh, you're saying you're going to use the slime meal, the hagfish. I mean, I can use hagfish and, you know, spider webb. I'm talking about it.

All right. I like that. Here's another one. Let's just do three of these for now. See if people like this segment. It's a fun. It's a fun fucking segment because this shit blows my mind. You learn a lot.

I love it. I'm learning a lot. Okay. So this animal, it's in the animal kingdom. Hold on, let me Google that. When threatened, it will, so they live in a group, a herd. I'm not going to tell you, you know, they live in a group, a colony of some sort. When threatened, they have a hierarchy, right?

And so there are ones that are at the bottom of the hierarchy. They will become suicide bombers. And when I say bombers, here's what I mean. The animal will start vibrating the muscles in its abdomen. it will then explode itself, which creates a toxic yellow liquid that can kill, poison, and kill whatever's attacking the group, right? So the lower ones on the hierarchy will start attacking the predator. They'll bite onto it.

They'll bite onto it, and then they'll vibrate their abs, explode their bodies, and they have this toxic yellow liquid inside that will get on the predator. and can poison and kill the predator, but here's what's worse. The jaws clamp down and will never unclamp. So you can see animals that have been attacked

by this that have a bunch of heads stuck to their bodies and they're covered in this yellow goo. That's wild. What do you think, Ratap? What do you think that is? This has to be... Another kind of pig?

No, no. There's no way that this is like a mammal. This has to be like an insect because there's goo and chemicals. And I just feel like bees release chemicals so that they all sting at the same time. So I'm just thinking insect. And I know that ants are, like, they, I've watched a video on ants that basically somehow communicate

and have all of the other ants of that species attack a nest. I'm going to go, the pangolin ant. Some kind of ants. Very good. Good guess. For us. Yes. That's great deduction by old sea pig over there.

Hey, man. Peter's going to be on our eyes. No, I agree. Is it by chance of Zulu ant? I don't, it might be called that. I'm referring, what I saw was it's called the Malaysian exploding ant. Okay, no, it's definitely not then. Oh, it's an ant?

I want to hear more about the Malaysian exploding ant, but. Oh, my God. Yeah, look at this picture Will brought up here. Yeah, that's neat. Dude, that looks like a fucking birthday cake or something. That looks delicious. The exploding yellow chemical. So where I grew up, we have ants the same thing that they, in Zimbabwe.

They called the Zulu Ant where they would bite on and their heads would get left behind. And the Zulu ant gets so big that the Zulus, where they get their name from, which is a tribe of people, would use them for stitches. So if they got cut badly, they'd go out and collect Zulu ants and they'd very, you know, they'd hold. the flap of skin together and they'd very carefully use the ant to snip the skin together and then they'd pinch off the body and the head would stay behind for a week before falling off

and you'd have perfect stitches. And I actually did it to myself once as a kid. I don't know if you can see it on the podcast. Yeah, maybe I'll show you guys. I don't know if you can see that scar on my knee or not. You can kind of see it in the line. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Yeah, it's tiny. But I got a cut and I was

with a bunch of the guys that worked on our farm and I was like, I want to try the Zulu ant thing, and we did it, and it festered and got super infected, and didn't work at all. Real good. But, yeah, that's why I guess the Zulu ant, because of the head thing, that was like the only giveaway for me that it was definitely an ant. But this

is way cooler that it freaking explodes. Dude, I am fucking not to toot my own horn, my, but I'm thrilled with myself right now. No, dude, your deduction was fantastic. Look how much you've learned in 44 weeks. Isn't it

a... To be honest, I've always been this smart. So fuck off. It has nothing. I just think to think about these adaptations that these animals have created is so mind-blowing, because I like to think in terms of the, if humans could do it. Oh, yeah. All right. So here's another one.

Last one. Great. Love this game, by the way. Yeah, it's fun. All right. So this is a real fucking superpower here, man. This one freaks me out because I don't believe. I can't believe this.

Okay. So this animal has a real good defense against predators. Right? So it's getting nervous. it feels like you're coming up on it, you're stepping in on its lady or its man, and here's what it's going to do. It's going to rocket a chemical,

a very caustic chemical out of its butt. But here's the thing. It's not just that it's a caustic chemical that's coming out of the butt. It's that the chemical, this liquid that it's shooting, is 211.11.5 degrees Fahrenheit. It's half a degree colder than boiling water. That's how hot it is. That shoots out of its

butt. Okay. So that means it's storing this boiling chemical liquid inside its body. And the way that it creates this is it somehow has a mechanism inside its gut that allows it to create a series of combined chemicals to create a series of explosions inside, of this specialized gut organ, 500 chemical explosions per second, and it just does it by combining little particles, and the explosions superheat the liquid, and boom, it blasts it out

at the temperature of boiling water, and the chemical is caustic and can fuck you up. What kind of animal are we thinking about here? What do you think? Well, wow, this is hard. Because it involves boiling liquid.

I'm going to say that it's something that's in water. So I'm going to go with some type of... I mean, I don't think that this could be like a fish or something, or I would have seen a BuzzFeed article on it. It's got to be some type of water

insect. All right. Like a water... Give it a name. If you get this right, I'll come over there and... I'm going to go with the great Caribbean water beetle. Nice. Nice.

I like your naming. It's a Bombadier beetle, Trabeck. It is. You got it again. It's a beetle. God, he knows that. But then you got it again. Yeah.

No, but this is well known because of its defense. Oh my God. That's bonkers. Yeah. Yeah, so we'll pull up a picture. So I didn't know. All I knew is that they shot boiling hot acid out of their butt. I didn't know the rest of the information that Patrick just gave us,

especially about how they generate. the boiling hot. That's the craziest. That's the craziest part of you know. That was mind-blowing to me. I didn't know that. I mean, that's fascinating. The fact that they have these series of micro-explosions that create a chemical reaction to heat the liquid. And that's what happens after I eat talking about. Their organs. Yeah. What's that same chemical reaction. It is. And that's the thing that's so cool is that it doesn't need a big lead time. In two seconds, it can heat the liquid from zero to two hundred and twelve degrees almost by by creating 500 explosions a second inside of its body.

God damn it, that is a power I would like to have. I would have never gotten beat up in middle school, high school, or college the way I did. I would have rocketed boiling caustic chemicals all over people. I like this game. This is a fun one, Patrick. I suggest you prepare. Prepare three more for next week because I think this is good. I think it's a good educational segment.

I'm learning a lot. You know, I know you enjoy researching them, so I'm into it. If you're listening, by the way, on iTunes, let us know if you like this segment. If you're on the YouTube, let us know if you like the segment. Or just say, I fucking hated it. It's too much of Patrick's voice, and it's annoying. It's bothering me. But by the way, now I...

Just say that either way. Now I know why BTG, previous guests that we had on the podcast, was so into doing things with tiny animals because, like, insects and shit, they do the craziest shit, man. I mean, this is wild. Both of these. So real quick, one thing to think about, Retep, is that, you know, there's a lot of evolutionary biologists that have looked at where we've been, and there are a number

that are looking at evolutionarily speaking where we're going, right? And there's one in particular, I'm blanking on his name right now, who's a pretty notable evolutionary biologist, who believes very strongly that the future belongs to insects. Right? So we've had our time of the reptiles, which is the, you know, and birds are basically reptiles. We won't get into that whole thing, right? And that was the dinosaurs. Now is currently the time of the mammals.

And the future is going to be the time of the insects. And what that means is, you know, when the mammals are losing or gone or whatever, you know, whether we, we Easter Island ourselves and the only thing that survive are cockroaches and they evolved or whatever. Once all the mammals and birds and things that eat the insects are more or less gone, except on a microscale, that's going to open the. world up to things like Bombadier beetles that are 14 foot tall. Sure. Right? Like imagine a bombardier elephant, basically, because once mammals are out of the way, there's nothing that will regulate the growth of these insects and arachnids and things

like that. So, yeah. Imagine, you know, we all talk about going back in time and seeing dinosaurs, right? Like, I'd go nuts to do that. But imagine if you could fast forward 200 million years, assuming Earth was still here, humans and all mammal life is gone and there's just elephant and giraffe and crocodile in the form of insects with all these chemical

superpowers. It would be way more terrifying than dinosaurs. Dude, way more. It's a scary thought, but it's not going to happen because I think that it could be, we could be overrun with insects where every square inch of land and water are covered in them, but they'll never get that big because of the way that their circulatory system works. Right.

So insects store all of their blood in their gut. Right. And that really limits the size because that gut blood needs to be pumped everywhere else. So an insect just can't get too big. Otherwise, the gut would get too heavy. But 200 million years, they could evolve to fucking come out of that. And that's the argument that could all change, right? Like there could be blood circulate.

Yeah, exactly. They could get a better system. Dude, I mean, you evolved to have a terrible top knot after you mimic me in my trademark. Well, it's not bugs as we know them, right? It's not reptiles as we know them. Just like snakes and crocodiles are not dinosaurs, right? It's not as we know them. And who knows, we don't understand what evolution will do to these animals.

But Patrick's point is very valid. The insects that we know today will never, you'll never have the ant that we know today walking around at 30 foot tall. Yeah, but you might have one of these fucking beetles shooting hot, boiling acid out of its ass and it's the size of an elephant. very possible in 200 million years. It might happen. Hey, you know, all they have to, the only thing that keeps that from happening

is they just have to have some sort of adaptation where a couple freak insects are born that have a slightly different circulatory system. I mean, we're talking about millions and millions, even a billion years, right? Earth's got four billion years left. Shit, you're right, that is going to happen. Goddammit.

James Cameron's probably making a movie about it right now. All right, guys. Guess what time it is? I don't have time. I have no idea. No idea. No idea. Well, I'll tell you, it's time for battle royale.

That was the week. Well, I'll tell you, it's time for battle royale. That's what it sounded like to me. It better be a powerful battle royale. That was the deepest I've ever heard his voice go. I'll tell you. Well, I'll just go fuck myself. You guys want to play the game without me?

No, no, no. Well, what are we got? What are we got? Let's go. All right. So this one came to me through a Brosner. Shout out to Velasquez 828. And he says, guys, hey, look, it's Super Bowl Sunday. It's time to be thinking football. It's coming up. All right. He said, I'd love to hear you three draft an all animal Super Bowl team. One receiver, one running back, one QB, and a defense. Love it. Yeah. Love it. So a running back, a QB, and a defense. No, and a receiver, bro.

Learn how football works, mate. And a defense. Learn the game. So you don't even watch sports, so, okay. I watch a lot of rugby, man. A lot. So, and your defense, obvious, it's not one. It's 11.

So multiply the animal by 11. And don't pick 11 different animals. Right. You get one animal, 11 of them for your D. And then you pick your QB, you're running back your receiver. This is an honor of Super Bowl Sunday. A day that when this comes out will have been yesterday. We're recording on Saturday the day before.

A day where everyone will eat many regrettable foods. Yep. Okay. Feel terrible about themselves after. And then be like, oh, tomorrow's not a day off. And then be like, wow, the chief's one. Why did I watch that? Yeah.

All right. So, For us, I love this. Which Brousner submitted this? This was Velasquez 828. Wait, what a pro. What a pro. That's not the second part of his handle. I'm just saying he's a pro.

This is brilliant. All right, so this is a snake draft. Who goes first? You pick four. I know no one who is as motivated by football as Papa P. So you have to start it off. Definitely a snake graph. Great.

Oh, thank God. Because I had to take one off the table. I have to take my wide receiver off the table. I have to do it. Better not be what I was thinking. Of course it is. Of course it is. I'm going to take the low-hanging fruit,

but don't call me a basic bitch. Just let me have it. Think about it. Don't say it. Wide receiver. I like a fast receiver. They can go straight down the field, catch the bomb.

Of course, I'm going to take the fastest animal. Dang it. That flies. I'm not taking the one you thought. I'm not taking that because my wide receiver is unguardable because it's up in the air.

I'm taking... Interesting. A Peregrine falcon. Interesting. How are you going to defend that when it's flying? I'm definitely going second. The fastest bird in the world, the Peregrine falcon. How fast does it fly forest?

323 miles per hour on a dive, I believe. All right. I win. All right. I win the end. Should we let Retep go next? Yeah, you have to. Both the animal guys can't be taking.

No, no, go. Go. Go, right. It's fair. So I go four times right now, right? In a row. Correct. Okay. That's how that works. So that's the same. That's a good pick, mate. But I don't know what animal you're going to accurately deliver a football to that animal moving at 300 miles an hour with.

Because you will no longer have the ability to select a gorilla. A gorilla will be my quarterback and he will be throwing the ball to whichever receiver. animal I choose, and I already have that in mind. But you can't say it right now. No, I won't say it. Just so you know. But I will say this. You guys have absolutely zero chance of making a fucking complete pass because I have taken

the only animal other than a human capable of making a fucking accurate pass with a football. So that's it. Okay. All right. So that's your quarterback. Okay. I've got a receiver.

He's got a quarterback. Forest. You're up for two. picks. What are you going on? Sure. Well, I'm going to start with a defense that'll never let your gorilla throw the ball and it'll just snatch your peregrine falcon out of the air before it even attempts to get anywhere. It'll just be, it'll be nothing. And this is important because I'm picking a D of 11 bull elephants to get us started. You know, just, look, you've never looked at alignment and been like, wow, I wish he was a little smaller. You've never thought that ever. So I'm going real

simple, biggest animal in the world, you know, land mammal, going 11 bull African elephants. It's a wise pick. It's not a bad pick. I think we, it is interesting because I'm visualizing these. I'm not visualizing the offensive line, which would be

what was protecting the quarterback. So I'm just imagining these bull elephants coming straight at the corner. There's nothing. There's nothing. He done. Yeah, your gorilla is going to be a pancake. No way, man. He's fucking, he's agile. is fuck.

All right. So you got your D. You're kind of a defensive-minded head coach. I like that. Boring, old school, but sure. Let's go ahead. What do you got? Hey, D's win, you know.

That's best offense, good defense. So on that note, let's put somebody out there. I'm taking that very simple pick that I thought you were going to take that I was very unhappy about. It's obvious. I want it.

It will run through. It will run around. We all know where I'm. I'm going with this, my wide receiver, obvious pick, Cheetah. Yeah. Yeah. I was shocked that Retep went with the gorilla to go QB. I thought he was going to go Cheetah for receiver because it was the obvious second best pick.

He's building his team around his quarterback the same way most GMs in the NFL do. So look, this is even right now. We're all doing well. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is big. You know, let's see what the brosters think. If you're listening to this for the first time, this is a segment we do all the time.

The only way we know who won is by your votes on our YouTube and iTunes. So please let us know who won this. And on that note, Retep, you're up next. Okay. So obviously, the Cheetah was my second pick. Pat will have, I mean, I don't even know what animal to throw to his peregrine falcon. My receiver, though, is going to also be a flying animal, and it is going to be a pick that I think, did I pick this in my last thing?

A golden eagle, though, because it is also very fast, and it will be able to accurately catch with its giant fucking talons the football that my gorilla accurately throws into. the air and easily, easily spike a touchdown right into the, right into the end zone, also bypassing forests, bull elephants

and any other defense that you put against it, unless it is a flying defense. Once he picked bull elephant, you know, you had to take to the sky. You got to take to the sky. That's a good pick. You stole my idea of going bird, but whatever. Oh, fuck off.

So my quarterback, I know no one. No one's going to pick my quarterback because I have the best quarterback, but no one's going to think of it. So I've already got my Peregrine Falcons flying 250, 300 miles an hour as my receiver. I'm going to focus now in my running back because I am a little worried about Forrest stout defense of bull elephants. Yeah. Yeah, you should be. Bull elephants don't love getting a big horn stuck in their chest. That's why I'm going to take a black right.

rhinoceros as my running back. That's good. You just took mine, by the way. That was my army. You guys are so fucking cute. And that's off the table now, to be clear. Rino's gone. Yes.

Rino's gone. Yeah. I like, the way that I like to manage my team is I'm sort of a run first team where I run to set up the play action pass deep to my Peregrine Falcon. So I'm a run first team. I play stout defense as well. When you have a run first team, you got to play good deep. I am going to have 11 howler monkeys.

as my defense. Wow. Let me explain why real quickly. Yeah, that's out there. What happens to the offense when the stadium is so loud that the quarterback can't call off the play? No, it's a mess. Yeah, the offense has no idea what's going on. They don't know what's happening.

Everybody's confused. Yeah, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to have 11 howler monkeys, which are the loudest mammal with an audible frequency. There's a bat that's louder called a bulldog bat. But the howler monkey makes a call of up to 100. 140 decibels, which means that causes instant permanent ear damage if you're standing too close to it. Okay. Eleven of those?

A cacophony of howler monkeys? 140 decibels each? Have fun getting your play into your gorilla. Retep, you're fucking done, bro. Okay. I have a golden eagle. Patrick right now. I won.

Yeah, it's pretty good. It's different. It's different. I mean, elephants are very sensitive to hearing, too. It's a different play. Well, I mean. Standing on the sidelines, getting their ears blasted out. Yeah, it's different.

The only problem is that your rhino will not be able to hold a football in its three toes because they are just toes. And if it goes into the mouth of a rhinoceros, it's never coming out. Doesn't count. Not valid. So I will be choosing my next pick, and it will be the one that. that that a hundred percent solidifies the fact that my gorilla is going to make a fucking needle point accurate throw to my fucking eagle. And it actually has nothing to do that.

I'm going with hippos as my defense. So just you just kind of rambled a bunch? I keep thinking he'll just like hibos. Too many rolling rocks, me thinks. No, I'm going with hippos as my. defensive line. They're fucking aggressive. They can open their mouths bigger than either of you two assholes can open your mouths.

And they fucking will shit and spin shit all over you and everything. Not just you, the football, everything. That's a hell of the D. Hey, forest, real quick, that's a great pick, except one thing I was thinking about. What's a good way to get away from a hippo? How should you run? Zigzag. Zigzag.

They're not the lateral agility. not very good? No, it's very far. 11 of them, mate? When you're playing football, the football field is only so wide. Do people move? 20 yards?

You know, I'm not a big sports guy, but my understanding is in all sports you always just run in a perfectly straight line. Do you think that your rhinoceros is somehow going to be jukeing my 11 hippos that are, when you're running back is trying to get your fucking football through the O line of 11 hippos?

Tusha. Okay. Well, well said. All right, Forrest, you're up for two more. What do you got? how you're going to round it out? Yeah, this is rough because I had a strategy going in that I was going to go big and bold with my running back, my quarterback, and my defense, right? Gorillas off the table, rhinos off the table. Those are stolen from me. I've got my elephants on my dee. Glad I picked them early. Now I've got a cheetah as receiver, which I'm happy about. I've got some speed,

but this whole idea of just being the mediest team on the pitch is, it's out the window now. So I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to mix it up. We've just discussed how a agility is going to be a huge factor. So my running back, he's not going to play a game a, a game of whose dick's bigger, right? He's not going to play a game of let me put my shoulder down and run through you anymore. I lost that, I lost that fight. Yeah. Yeah, I got to.

I got to. I'm just showing that it's not me who's clicking the pen. I want all, everyone. That was me. That was me. the black racer as my running back, which is the fastest snake. It's a North American snake.

You know, it is just, it's insanely, so it's one of the few snakes that I can barely catch. I've probably seen 200 and caught five. Because when I see one, the speed and maneuverability, the way they can turn on a dime, it's mind-blowing. So I just,

I got to get something. It's going to weave, you know, it can duck and dodge. It may be, maybe you'll get away from these eagles that are flying around. It's definitely going to get through these stampedes of rhinos and hippopotamai. So it's the only thing I can do.

So I've picked a black racer as my running back. It's a different play. Yeah. And my QB going for something. There's only one way I win this game right now because my team's a mess. And that's with some smarts. It's with some smarts. And we all know that the smarts come out of the QB calling the plays.

So I'm going for a chimpanzee, credibly intelligent animal, very athletic. Also, let me note the only creature that we have ever shown to actually use tools, right? And throw rocks and spears and things like that. So he's got a leg up in the old ball toss game. So, yeah, I've got the cheetahs coming out of them or 11 hippos, mate. Well, let's see. Let me run down my team. Then we can let everybody vote.

So for the last time, my team, I've got a receiver at Cheetah. I've got a running back, which is a black racer snake. I've got a QB that's chimpanzee and an impenetrable 11 bull elephant defense. Okay. It's not terrible. You have a shot. It's good. I've got so far a gorilla as my QB, a golden eagle as my very wide receiver,

and a defense made up of 11 hippos, which, if my calculations are correct, is about 2 million pounds of defense. It's not right, but sure. My final pick, is that correct? Is that how this works? This is your final pick, and he will be a running back. He or she will be a running back. And it is, my friends, a good one.

It is an animal that is very used to delivering football-sized items into end zones, if you know what I mean. My running back will be the classic stork. I'm going to have a stork scoop up the football from my gorilla. He will fly over all, unless Pat has an army of birds for his, for his fucking defensive line. It'll be unstoppable. He will drop his package into the end zone, much like a football superstar spikes the ball on the winning point. And just to be clear, this isn't like a particular species of stork. This is like the storybook child stork that has the little bandana that it carries with the ball in it.

Probably a female stork. I don't discriminate. This is probably a pink-colored stork. It doesn't matter. The stork will evade all defense. That's a fun pick. That's out there. All right.

Very good. Very good. All right. Poppe, let's round us out. I'm going to round it out. I still need a QB. You do. Normally I would base my team around.

You start with a QB. and then you build based on their skill set. But I knew no one was going to take this. And I defy any of the Browsoners to ding me for this, because this is the right pick. I like a very accurate quarterback. I'm not one of those people who goes for, like, the big armed QB, who is, you know, his accuracy shit, right?

Just the hot guy QB, the every high school QB. Yeah. Exactly. How many draft busts have we seen where they got the big arm, but they can never get the accuracy? I want someone with built-in accuracy, who's going to deliver. balls accurately to my receiver that's flying at 250 miles an hour.

So my quarterback is the archer fish. Wow, that's an interesting call. Elaborate. The archer fish is a fish that shoots these water bombs, right? It sticks its lips above the surface. It has a groove in the roof of its mouth. Well, can you pull up an archerfish? It turns its tongue into this funnel.

And what it does is it shoots this stream of water, which starts as a stream of water, but actually pushes the water in the back faster than the water in the front, so that by the time it hits the thing it's trying to knock out of the tree, it's just a ball of water. But here's the crazy thing about the archerfish. They never miss. They never miss. Are you going to have it in a fish tank?

Are you going to have it in a fish tank? Yeah, it'll be in a fish tank that'll get moved by the refs each. to get a first down. It is so accurate. It's a cool pick. That's a cool thing. The only baby archer fish miss, by the time they're adults,

they hit the first shot every time. They fucking knock flies out of the air, shit out of trees. They do? Archerfish. Guys, I'm not ready to end this. I need to do the bonus pick.

What will be your offensive line to protect your quarterback? Because right now I'm just envisioning rhinos and hippos destroying the archer fish. destroying fucking gorilla. Okay, bonus pick? Shit.

How are you going to defend this archer fish, man? Give them time to get the fucking ball to the fucking Paragon Falcon. I'm comfortable with my quarterback being in a fish tank, but I obviously can't have my offensive line be in glass because they won't be able to move so I can't have a blue whale. Shit. Yeah, Forrest's defense is going to be a problem with those below offense. It is.

Well, here's the one thing I do know that I don't. that elephants don't like snakes, baby. I'm going black mamba. Elephants are scared of snakes. They don't like stepping on them. I'm in a fan out five black mambas, and hopefully that will keep Forrest's defense at bay. That's my team.

Interesting. Back to me? No, we don't need the 50-second build-up. No build-up. But shut your mouth. Everybody loves that more than the whole podcast, you top-knotted idiot. So my defense, now I'm going to take two minutes in 15.

seconds. No, I'm going to go straight up right here. I'm going to have a fucking offensive line of grizzly bears. Fuck it. Interesting. Okay. All right. All right. My O line swarm of pissed off bees. They're just going to fly through everything, just sting the shit out of your quarterbacks. They're going to drop the ball. I'm going to come in. We're good. Hippos aren't going to give a shit, though. Neither will rhinos are. Hippos and rhinos aren't going to give a shit about your bees. No, because they're just going to fly right past them and hit your QB. They're not going to have.

They're not going to have. What are they going to do a bunch of bees? So, yeah, that's, you know, I think, I actually think the bonus round really helped me there. If you agree, why don't you go onto iTunes, comment on this YouTube video that you happen to be watching if you're watching on YouTube. Let us know who won, I guess behind Super Bowl Sunday, who would be the animal team winner of our football game, Battle Royale. I think that was a really fun one. Yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff.

Real quick, before we sign off, just quick answer, Super Bowl Sunday. You know, we are recording this Saturday because normally we do Monday morning, but blah, blah, blah. What's going to be your go-to, dirty, disgusting, despicable, shameful food that you guys are going to eat for the Super Bowl? What's your go-to Super Bowl food tomorrow? Pizza. Like, and not like a pizza, like six pizzas of different variety, like a barbecue, like a barbecue, chicken. I'm talking, I'm talking to jalapeno and pepperoni, just like a mess of pizzas where I'm like, all right. And the nice thing about doing pizza is like, I don't have to eat it all in the first

10 minutes. Like you eat wings an hour later and you're like, ugh, cold wings. You eat pizza at the end of the game and you're like, this is still delicious. And I can eat 24 slices of pizza over the course of two and a half hours. And I will. Okay. Very smart. But Cep, what are you going to do? Well, we know what I'm going to do. And it's going to be at least $155.5. worth of Taco Bell. And they have a $5 cravings box, which is chalk full, so it will be at least a million pounds of food. Cheers, maize.

Nice. Like a blue whale. Pizza for me, too. It's funny because I was planning a menu out for us. And I was like, I'll do like old bases and tots. I'll do this. I'm going to make chips and dip. And then I was like, shit, if I eat a lot of chips and dip or a lot of tots, I'm done.

I'm stopped. I'm bloated. Yep. Yep. I need multiple pizzas, buffalo chicken, pepperoni and jalap. Peno. That's it. And I can just pick at those leisurely over the course of five, six hours until I feel terrible about myself and then go to bed and get terrible sleep because I'm disgusted. Yeah. Yeah. No, you'll cry a little when you go to bed that night, but it's worth it. You know? Worth it. It's the one day a week that you do it. The one day a year? Yeah. This is the one day a week. All right, guys. What a good one. Love this.

Don't say good night yet because we have to tell everybody where to go. Make sure you go to Wild Times the wild timespodcast.com forward slash info for all the links to the merch to the Discord to the videos to listen anywhere iTunes Podbean Spotify and

you can go to wild times dot club to join the discord bunch of wildlife and adventure peeps in there. It is a fun-ass community. I have 200 fucking notifications in there as we speak. Oh, also.

Also, for the people who, most people listen on iTunes and don't do the YouTube, for those who entered who commented and thus entered the giveaways for the electric sunglasses, which are like $200 sunglasses and the free Wild Times merch, we did a daily video this past week on the YouTube. That's the only way to find out if you won. That's right. So go to YouTube. How do they get us on YouTube? You can go to the Wild Times Poppest.com. they claim the wild timespodcast.com forward slash YouTube. We'll get you there.

And also, I had one more thing to say, but I can't remember because I've had too many beers. Good night. Good night. Oh, tell a friend. Good night.