Will & Rusty's Playdate - A Greasy Step Christmas

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

In this week’s holiday episode, Will and Rusty talk about their all-time favorite Christmas presents, reveal how they found out that Santa’s a fraud, and draft Christmas movies and traditions that don’t exist. Love you guys and Happy Holidays! FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod (00:00) Intro (01:27) What do you eat on Christmas? (04:08) All-Time Favorite Christmas Present (09:26) Santa Isn’t Real? (12:44) Pitch Submissions (21:15) Elf on the Shelf (24:21) Pitches (36:53) Christmas Movies that Don’t Exist (42:51) Christmas Traditions that Don’t Exist (47:41) Home for the Holidays! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

great news the federal ev rebate is back eligible customers get up to five thousand dollars with the federal evap rebate on select 2027 volt and 2026 equinox ev models visit your local chevrolet dealer today for more details hey welcome back it's your boy all right all right all right episode 16 and it's a special one it's the christmas episode it's the holiday season we had to think about it, there was a lot of mental math on whether this would be the Christmas episode or the one that came out two days after Christmas and we figured we'd probably

rather get it out of the way. Two days after Christmas you're going to be moving on. You guys are going to be fully into New Year's. The newest year. They're going to be into their new toys, their new Yes. There you go. Thanks. You are so good. I'm excited for Christmas. Me too.

It's easily my favorite holiday. Actually I've always been a Thanksgiving guy, but right now it's hard to look you in the eyes and say it's not christmas yeah when you're wearing what you're wearing right now you cannot tell me you don't like christmas i love christmas we got we got a good episode for you guys today we have pitches as usual we have your pitches our pitches and then we have christmas movies that don't exist yep and christmas traditions that will and i like to do with our family yep it's gonna be epic um yeah we might blow your minds today oh wait i forgot to give you guys i brought you

little gifts oh yeah something slight where did you get this just somewhere around the corner around the corner oh i got them from my home this is very cute let's eat these later because these are going to be super loud that you you are good i love candy cans i like here's my question what do you eat on christmas we eat thanksgiving dinner before christmas do you really like on christmas eve we'll eat thanksgiving dinner like turkey turkey like the whole it's like the leftovers the whole night yeah it's like it's been weeks disgusting a year um and then on the on christmas morning my mom makes popovers if you're familiar no popper i introduced kenward to popovers when he came to my house for thanksgiving i thought they were like more

commonplace apparently it's more specific to my family than i thought it's like uh it's like it sounds like i'm doing like a like a dessert that doesn't exist right now yeah what is popover it's like um they're like these really eggy pastries so it's like and what they call them popovers because when you heat them up they come out and they like like out of the like a muffin thing it's like a muffin but it's like much eggier like you can it sounds it sounds like not good with the way i'm describing it just keep saying eggy they're really good you cut them in half and i'll butter them and then she has like a bunch of different preserves and jams and whatnot and uh and then i don't know what do you guys do for christmas dinner i feel like christmas dinner

Christmas is like an afterthought. Yeah, it's not a thing that really happens in my house. We always go to a movie on Christmas. Ooh. We go to the theaters, and it's like every year, it's like technically like a new person gets to pick, but at this point, it's just like a pendulum. It goes back and forth between the boys getting to pick

and the girls getting to pick. And like the other demographic always hates what they pick, so then it's like, all right, you messed it up. Like, yeah. One year, we all, on Christmas, went and saw the movie War Horse. Fucking terrible. I hated that movie. What is War Horse?

never this was like probably eight years ago but it's like an iconic like the girls lost the ability to pick the movie for like two years after warhorse yeah you guys they were on uh yeah i said you guys like you were part of the girls side for some reason um they lost privileges i there's nothing worse than being like stuck in a theater and just and like the person that picked it like it just has to sit there and like knows everyone else is hating it yep and they know they signed us all up for it they know they signed us all up for it baby all right should we hear what the playmates gotta say some pitch wise some pitchy witchies let's hear them i was hoping we would have some christmas themed ones but we don't i have christmas i have christmas themed oh yeah

my pitches are all christmas i asked i asked lauren if if anyone submitted christmas themed ones and she was like no you have to remember that like it for them it's not yeah like it's december 12th today or something for them the 11th for them for us it's not no but i mean like like when they're listening to this like it sounds like we're recording it whatever yeah it's a week before this episode comes out so yeah um my question is before we get into that i was going to ask you if you had a favorite christmas present that you remember from your all time iconic dude i remember the i'll tell you i'll give you two options i'm going to tell you the first one i remember and then i'm going to tell you my favorite one okay the first one i remember

was like a pirate ship thing and like it had holes in the top that you could like move the pirates around and like rearrange them in like different scenarios so like sometimes i would have them like they were swabbing the deck and they would all be like facing each other and then there was sometimes where i would like pin certain ones against each other and pretend there was like a war going on and now that i'm saying it out loud it doesn't sound that fun but it's hard to picture is it legos or it was like you remember when playmobil this sounds so dumb but like you remember when like plastic became a thing like it was just like one like like like honestly no i don't think you remember i think that was like the 80s i mean like for me for me like when when it was

like it felt like people were making more things like it was it was easier to just make shit like they could just be like i don't know let's fucking make a pirate shit like it was you know what i mean it wasn't now oh yeah i remember now like i feel like there's more checks and balances for like toys and stuff like that like it has to go through more people before they're like yeah we should make that okay this one this one felt like some guy they would like he forgot about the deadline yeah and like the day of in the meeting was just like i don't know it's a fucking it's a fire ship just fucking put holes in the top of you move them around okay yeah it sounds fun i'm picturing they move around like bubble hockey kind of like they have slots they can move in yeah

this was years ago but the way i'm remembering it it was kind of like that okay i remember one year my we do you guys do like one present on christmas eve you can open like one present we like did that sometimes now i don't think we do it but like when i was a kid i remember because she didn't want me to my mom didn't want me to like grab like the best one yeah and i remember i picked one up and i like i was pretty confident it was like the big thing i was asking for and she was like no like let's save that one for tomorrow and handed me another one it was a book and i was fucking fear anyway i in hindsight was being such a little asshole but like it's like it was it was also a book that was way above my like reading level at the time it was like an insult you wish

even if i like wanted to read it that night i don't think i could it was um i want to say beyerwolf or whatever what's that beowulf like it the but the cut i still have it the cover is is fur like it looks really strange on my book it's next to my bed on my bookshelf i'm picturing like the one from yeah harry potter it's like it like it like gives off that vibe that's fine and what was your favorite one i just remember there was a christmas where it was like my dad god love and put the most work apparently he was we heard the story after apparently he was up like all night because he built an air hockey table yeah in our basement and apparently like and a foosball table maybe those are different years but i just remember apparently he like

made it to the end and realized he had fucked it up and he had to like go back so he was literally up like until christmas morning helping santa assemble it and uh what a saint and then he gave us it was like a big box for me my brother and my sister we opened it and it was like a slightly smaller box that we opened and then there was it was like eight different boxes and at the end it was like go down to the basement and i just remember we were running down the stairs and just like losing our minds it was the best that's fucking sick but the best value christmas present i ever got like eight years ago whenever spotify came onto the scene i asked for spotify for christmas and it just like two months ago i finally had to get my self like i had to start

paying for it but i just yeah it was at my parents paying 7.99 a month for like seven or eight years do your parents the gift that truly kept on yeah it kept going for years do your parents still pay for your um like cell service like i haven't brought it up to them but like i'm so worried one of these days they're gonna find out like my like that like they definitely know i'm still on there but it like just hasn't crossed their mind like that's gonna be a real bitch when that when that comes back around i just had to get my own health insurance and that's like now the cell service is like the last bastion of my dependence on them yeah which i want to keep going as well did you dude i did i picked my health insurance like with uh with emily marcus because i just

like couldn't figure out how to do it and she was like well i have this one and i kind of like ripped through it and like didn't read all the things and i think i have like the bottom tier the worst i have to i i signed up for dental because i want to go and get this taken off the yeah i mean i don't know if that'll be covered he has like a gold tooth from he's like a number we were at we were at um eric andre's birthday party and chester was like you should get this on your tooth and i and i woke up more it's like oh wait i feel like i have it's like pretty expensive too like casey paid for it but it was like i don't want to say the number but it was like it was like more it was like all right it was it was it's the most expensive inconvenience

that i have like in my life and um yeah like i'll be talking to people and like they'll be like you have something in your tooth and then i have to have this full conversation with someone where they're like well what's the three mean it's a rapper right i don't like that i don't know maybe i'm just like oh i love my wife yeah i love my wife how old were you guys when you found out santa wasn't real oh i remember the day this feels fucked up even being saying but i hope that no one if there's any kids listening i i'm sorry this is how you found out um we've said wait we've said stuff that's way worse yeah but like nothing yeah i guess that's probably true uh talk about like poop and pee actually i guess that's like that's right in their wheelhouse that's pretty childish

mine was my aunt i was definitely like a little i loved clinging on to like the i was the youngest of my siblings by far so and my cousin so i was like kind of the last person and i just remember there was a christmas where my aunt went uh don't i said something about santa and my aunt just goes don't even act like you still believe in santa oh and i did and i was like wait how old were you i don't really remember because i don't want to say like an embarrassing age but yeah i was on like the higher edge like i was probably gonna find out within the next year or two but like she just dropped that don't even act like you still believe in santa which is like you can't come back from that like it was over and then yeah and then you don't even have the time to

like mentally process it you immediately have to like get into adult mode yeah like like obviously i'm not acting like that i'm gonna go to my room for something else and lock the door and you don't come talk to me i was in my uh i was in the lunch line with like a couple a couple of my boys and uh i remember like in hindsight being like too like it was like also too old it wasn't it wasn't like not to sound like a dick or anything but it was like we were like normal kids like it wasn't like we were like the weird kids that were like yeah you know i had other things about them that were kind of in line with still believing in santa in like sixth grade but like yeah it was like it went on for like much too long legitimately like sixth grade's a little it was like legitimately

like fifth or sixth grade like like yeah way too old and this kid aiden hubs came up to us and he was just like it was like he figured he had just figured it out and like wanted to like ruin it for everyone else and he was just like you know he's not real and we were like what are you what are you talking about he's like santa he's not real we were just like that's just all sitting at lunch being like dude this is fucked this is like hey man just going back to your mom you fucking lied to me she's like you're 13 i thought you would have i thought you kind of figured that one out she was like i was i've been joking about santa for the last three years i thought you were in on it um i i was also the youngest too and like you know some older siblings

will like be mean and like do that my sisters like kept the charade up like out of the kindness of their hub for like a while like if i was an older sibling i'd be like the second i found out like i'm ruining for you that's terrible really yeah my siblings kept it are you the youngest lauren i'm the middle hmm because it's sean checks out yeah sean i forgot about sean you ruined it for sean right no i don't remember my friend ruined it for me sean's listening to this right now he just like drops his laptop he's a sophomore in college he just got a concussion i feel bad oh doing what so his finals are all messed up um he was yeah what do you even do if you were in the middle of finals yeah your head he was playing like intramural basketball i don't

know i feel bad i took a charge in intramural basketball he's like failing college now because he took a charge during finals yeah i mean that is like at some point if it's during finals it's like what do you do yeah i don't know i don't know you hope you have nice professors yeah all right should we get into some yeah let's hear some let's hear some playmate pitches this is very on track with you know we say that like some of the names we get are just like not real names yep like not even making fun this is just like a fake name okay hill yogger hill it's a sick name that's fucking awesome no it's a cool name i'm just like that's yeah hill yogger Hill Yager.

How do you spell Yager? J-A-G-R. Like the hockey player? No, I don't know. Y-A-U-G-E-R. Yager. Yeah. Hill, H-I-L-L, Yager.

That's crazy. That's awesome. Hill says, no, it's a cool name. Does anyone with a normal name submit pitches? No. Okay, cool. Okay, so he says, this is the best pitch you'll ever hear. You know how sometimes you have a big young ball?

Calling your shot is pretty big. Calling your shot is cocky. A lot of people. Cocky Babe Ruth finger pointed at the outfield. That's cocky as all get out A lot of people do that I just don't read that part So Steph Curry walking up

And pointing at the logo Alright You know how sometimes You have a big yummy meal But then have to spend Great news The federal EV rebate is back Eligible customers get up to $5,000

With the federal EVAP rebate On select 2027 Bolt And 2026 Equinox EV models Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today For more details you know sometimes you have a big yummy meal but then have to spend 20 minutes strategically picking food out of your teeth with your tongue and now your tongue's kind of sore but it's never worth getting an actual toothpick the worst introducing little mouth guy lmg if you will

he's one centimeter tall that's what i call will my little mouth guy and you and you pop him in after you eat okay guys all right sorry sorry lmg lmg he's one centimeter tall and you pop him in after you eat and he picks all the food out of your teeth real fast also also if the table convo is getting dry you can upgrade to lmg plus it'll do tiny stand up and little tricks on the table don't ask where we got him oh that's yeah i love it well done that's a funny one i like the video i like the visual of him like you're talking to some fucking boring family friend he just like is down on the table with a tiny microphone he's like what the heck is up with airplane food classic he would be yeah i mean he sounds like a hit is he like subscription

based or is he on salary um i think he i think you just get it just a little guy you get this get him he's just will will would always say uh you're just a so you're just like a little guy that i get about dog what about river yeah so this is just a little guy that i get that will angus is a little cute dog so this is just a little guy that you get to have all right hill that one's awesome let's hear the second one i want lmg to be friends with remember my little guy proposed that would go and sneak in on your friends. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like

cousins. Yeah. Maybe they're the same guy. Could be the same guy. You're snooping in your mouth. I don't honestly can he like do some like dental work while he's in there too? Yeah, he has drills. He has drills. You just hear like whirling. Yeah.

You're just like sitting at the dinner table clearly getting your teeth washed out. He's the giant suction thing. Yeah. Okay. Next one is from sydney fez this is a normal name is that mean to say these things i think we should probably just keep them to ourselves but he'll he'll what saying that people have weird names no i don't think it's bad just not typical like john smith yeah i don't think there's anything mean about that right or wait maybe i don't know what i don't know no i don't think there's anything

i'm just saying i'm saying like i don't think we need to address it unless it's like an outrageous name like we don't have to be like is this one a normal one like this one's weird it's fez is the last name i've never heard that before how like i've never i had never heard danellen until i met you same i'd never heard hoagland it's not as fun to say as fez you're sitting next to a guy named rusty featherstone yeah exactly you have a great one that's why i love your name all right sid she says idea for inventions that don't exist do you ever get a random chill and wonder am i sick is it just cold in here do i need a sweatshirt or am i being deceived well that's where real temp comes in wait time out who would be deceived yeah who's deceiving you in this case there's

there's someone there's someone with us with a small fan yeah um well that's where real temp comes in it's a built-in thermometer on your finger that tells you the real temperature of the room or space that you're in if you're feeling fancy you could also use it to measure water temperature whatever else your heart desires with burn immunity you'll never have to listen to the bs weather app that's time out it's a thermometer what is built into your finger so it's a thermometer built into your finger time out time out time out time out we're gonna move past burn immunity what's burn immunity she just she just said no it also has burn immunity that sounds great what is that that sounds like the biggest perk oh like if you want to like dip it in like hot

water oh it's a thermometer built in your finger yeah let's keep hearing let's just hear if there's any other twists left you'll never have to listen to the bs weather app that's wrong half the time you can just stick your finger outside and you know how to dress for the day it's like the weather app's pretty spot on but i but i i see where her head's at also i feel like when it comes to what what you're gonna wear for the day if you just walk outside you can tell yeah like i don't like Numbers don't really... The number doesn't... Yeah, the number does...

Well, the number, if anything, confuses me. Yeah. Because I'll be like, it doesn't feel like 61. Like, here, sometimes it'll be like, it's 70 degrees, and I walk out, and I'm like, I'm kind of chilly. Or it'll say it's 61, but it's outside, and it's, like, legitimately the hottest. Like, I'll be, like, sweating for some reason. It's, like, cold, but the sun's on you.

Yeah. Guys figuring out weather. Guys figuring out how weather works. Weather working in real time. I mean, this is just a thermometer built into your finger. Yeah. What did she call it? real temp

real temp yeah I mean the name even the name is just a I like it I like it I like it

I'm in I'm in I'm in alright thank you I feel like we keep getting more and more critical

of these ideas no it's I noticed that as well we used to be we used to be less you guys used to be so kind well it's cause it's cause

we're becoming jaded there's too many we can't say they're all good or we lose credibility it's also cause we spend a considerable portion of our lives like coming up with

like coming up with business ideas that like inherently you're gonna be more critical of of them because you're like well i've i've gone down that path and like and like i didn't come up with anything for that so like yeah we're defensive of our idea yeah that one is a good idea it's just a funny way of saying a temperature a thermometer yeah finger it's a yeah yep burn immunity sick though yeah bi okay third pitch submission is from ashers um i don't know if that's plural i can't say anything about it or us you can jump on my fucking throat but that's a weird fucking name fuck it i'll say it what the

fuck is ashers he doesn't it's a fiance no it's a sick name it was just it was just funny the way lauren said it because because if there's no last name it does it does sound like an artist's name yeah well he or she doesn't even have like a name list it's just the username oh and you clicked on the profile oh no i just reading it from there oh he has this okay so no no no no no what's happening is his name is is like a a ashers or something asher and his last name starts with an s well she has a screenshot so she's not even able to click on the profile what i'm what i'm saying is what i'm saying is like if in the same way that most people like your username would be like w denellan yeah yeah she's implying that that's his real name like she like it's definitely just a

ashers so it'll be like alan ashers which would be a normal name ashers that's why there are two A's at the beginning. Or Asher Smith. Or Asher Solomon. Yeah, so either way, now it makes sense why all the names sound crazy. I agree. She's just reading the username. Bill Yager. Whatever that. That was

an actual two word phrase. If you read his, it would be like Featherstone Rusty. What a crazy name. Yeah, and we'd be like, what? What the heck? This just flipped on. We just flipped this on Lauren's head.

right now yeah that's all right we're all friends here yep we're all christmas friends today christmas friends okay oh i wish we didn't up on the shelf in here i never did that i don't really know what that is honestly we'll get into it oh we'll get it apparently we'll get into it we'll get into it i got something i got i got something for you later okay ashers he says hey guys i would like to submit my pitch for your consideration hunger freeze working title there we go ever been too tired hungover or broke to go to the grocery store and cook yourself dinner yes by the same token have you ever been too broke or feel too unhealthy to order another takeout meal yes hunger freeze is an app on your phone you can sync up to your apple watch or equivalent device

once per week to prevent you from malnutrition you are allowed to instigate a hunger freeze within the app for for 24 hours all feelings of hunger are stop it's it no no we're not no sorry i have to catch my breath yeah yeah you're just talking you're not underwater all right just go keep going keep going lauren's like go keep going you can never do what we do lauren i like how the job the job the job is to be able to talk into a microphone no not hers necessarily i guess speaking all right 24 hours all feelings of hunger are covered and all of your cravings are satisfied saving you both money and effort using similar technology as

is used to monitor your heart rate through an apple watch the app sends a pulse to your digestive system to wait what sounds really it processing food therefore making you feel as though you've eating and preventing those pesky belly rumbles this sounds like like not a good thing the patented technology can then be sold to diet slash nutrition companies to support weight loss goals oh god yeah yeah this feels like like uh should i not have read that here's here's the no no no that was completely fine here's the thing on paper fine but here's here's what's gonna happen right it's like facilitating yeah hackers are gonna get in there and start selling it to people who have eating disorders which is not something i don't have to do that even well he says it he

says it can only do it once a week so it would be people who would go in and read and manipulate the code so that you could do it every day and then will and i would now be directly uh you know involved in in um eating disorders which is not something that we support yeah let me rephrase we like we will support you if you have one but like we met the opposite okay okay i just wanted i just wanted to clarify that um yeah jesus christ that one's brutal that feels like like i see where you're coming from but i don't i don't think that's um well here's you know i don't think i'm gonna invest in that one here's the thing asher asher is such a he's such a has such a pure mind yeah that he didn't foresee the dark stuff that we saw because we are twisted yeah

All right, let's pitch each other. Wait, I want LMG. Cool. Okay. I'll take the first one. All right. You get the last one. Willie, what you got?

Pitch me, brother. All right, here's what I got. I got the present scanner. Here's what every Christmas... A common theme in Willie D pitches. What? Scanners. What else did I scan?

No, no, no. Not a bad thing at all. No, I didn't take it as one. Lauren goes, whoa. I started getting a call. I get so many scam calls all the time. Okay, continue. You're a little bit.

You had the scanner for groceries. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the present scanner is, think about what do you wish you could do on Christmas? See of all your friends and everyone you know whose presents amounted to the most dollar value. So the present scanner, you scan your pile of presents and you upload it. And then you can see who got the most valuable gifts. um and you just scan your pile of presents it instantly because i think they have the technology now to like doesn't like on like snapchat can't you like scan things and it'll like tell you where

you can buy it i think that's a thing yeah there was an app back in the day where you could scan something and it would tell you what it is yeah so it instantly scans all your presents calculates the dollar value uploads it and then you can you know compete against your friends it's really healthy and very fun i love it and here's how we make even more money off it you ready yeah it's a year-long thing and every time you buy something you scan it and it's like social media and it'll be like it'll be like will just overtook rusty yeah in like most money spent this year it's really healthy it's what social media is missing which is a way to directly compare monetary value with other humans to kind of determine who's the best guy you can also you

can also do it to people's instagram pictures it tells you how much their outfits were yes yes that would make social media healthier and better for everyone involved absolutely all right i got an advent calendar but it's fun holiday drinks so like like after dinner we pop it open we're all having white russians right also got into white russians this this weekend it's it's milk vodka uh um there's got to be some liqueur in there i can't remember what it's called and then like some other stuff and it's delicious i made vodka once in college and this is what we did we i put don't say don't say that like it's a drink that we know no no no this is what i did i put milk and vodka

in uh i don't know what you call it the thing like when you're making a latte the frother yeah yeah and so i was like what happened i put milk and vodka and we did it at a christmas party and froth it and it just completely congealed it was like the consistency of like goop like um like slime like when you make slime it's like black yeah you punch it it's a solid but it can pour like a liquid it was so gross we were eating bites of it and uh i almost threw up did you get drunk i mean from other stuff not from the vodka i think i was pretty drunk to have had that idea honestly i like i like that will will will goes what the heck would happen if i did you're doing a science experiment i was like making a latte that morning and i was like yeah anyway it was

disgusting don't make fad milk and that's like a uh do you guys do car bombs ever or did you have yeah if you like let it like sit long enough it'll like curd yeah um wait finish your okay yeah so so you pop it open and it'll be like tonight's hot toddies and like the whole family's like and like and then uh then it has all the ingredients it has all the ingredients in there for five for five people i love that i love that yeah and it's only for families of five so we're both like we're both sad are we all families of five yeah bingo i think if you're not a family of five something went wrong because like two kids is not enough yeah one kid you're you're not you're

not even a family at that point i'm just joking i'm just joking i'm just joking i'm sorry i'm just joking i just i do i i'm very i'm very very uh into the into the system of three children i think i think it's always good uh preferably to one gender one the other like both my sisters would gang up on me and that sucked but then like now that i'm older like i'm the cool one and so like i get to pick the third i get to pick like my partner and like we like gang up on the other one wait we have the same so it's you and then two older sisters that's like my family yeah youngest brother two older different than mine it will has laura i have laura and sam and then me okay um i've got not in that order for the record yeah sam's older than laura no

laura and then sam yeah then me yep okay okay i have wrapping paper that you can lick like an envelope so you don't have to use tape when you're wrapping your presents you just lick the part that you want to seal well done yeah that's awesome yeah the tape is always like i never like i always take too much or make them it doesn't we should do that it doesn't look like aesthetically good like that looks like shit like imagine if you could just lick that and that looks like it right that looks like crap and fuck looks like crud and shirt so that's my idea it's right it's that you can lick like an envelope i feel like this is actually a good idea yeah i like that the problem is like like is all of it glue yeah okay yeah but like if you touch it normally it's

fine it's only yeah yeah yeah um all right this one's not christmas related you know when you're like it's sunday and all of your fantasy team is playing at the same time and it's like impossible to keep track of like yes what game each one is it's red zone but it only shows you uh plays made by players on your team that's actually really good wouldn't that be sick it's still narrated by like you get like assigned a guy i think it's just like an ai narrator oh yeah you get assigned a guy and no i think like each major player has their own announcer i like the idea that it's narrated by ai it's like now we move to the texans game yeah cj stroud is driving cj stroud choked yesterday for my fantasy team by the way i'm about to go i'm i am uh i have solidified uh

the number one spot in the friday beers league even if i lose out um this is the last week i know but oh really i was wondering about that are you guys still like doing that yeah we both made the playoffs we both made the playoffs i'm the best team in the league clinched a bye and um and yeah i'm playing for by tonight i was on edge and bobby's team how are they doing probably terrible the three oh they're not in it i i had to pick half of that team yeah i smoked yeah i smoked you guys like two weeks ago all right um yeah that's my second pitch all right that's great my my third and final pitch is the gas powered sled everyone loves sledding but what do you wish a that you could go way faster and b that you didn't have to like walk the sled back up the

hill so the gas-powered sled is just you go like you like speed by everyone and then when you come back up the hill you just turn the gas on you just cruise right up to the top love it uh it is eerily reminiscent of the snowmobile though no no uh i'll concede the reminiscent part but mine's different because it's like for kids it's like a toboggan yeah no it's like oh that would be crazy you know what sleds i loved though were the ones that are like like like long and flat and they were like foam and they just had like two handles on the front you know what i'm talking about yeah they like doubled as like a as like a wakeboard in the or like a like a knee board in the in the summer like you could dive head first and you'd go like flying if you the saucer ones never work

no the saucer ones were ass yeah you would you would be a little saucer girl because that because the saucer the saucer ones are for people that like don't care about speed or direction it's just like i want to like i just want to like spin until i'm nauseous yeah exactly they weren't fun i never enjoyed going down in college we would take the lids of trash cans and yeah the hill behind the dorm the alexanders had a uh had a had a wooden toboggan like one of the old school ones with like rails on the side yeah i always thought that was pretty cool i built one once yeah i feel like at this point they're almost more for show i've never seen one like actually like a functional wooden toboggan i think you i usually i think you need a really specific like type of hill for that

to work because like they're the the bottom are like are like rails if i'm remembering correctly so like for most for the commoners hill you would dive and it would just like dig into the grass that's what so my dad and i built one when i was a kid i was like i want to build a sled like so we built one out of wood and it had metal rails and that like the biggest oversight it was that we didn't curl the edges of the rail like we bought like pieces of metal and like so just immediately anytime there's like a bit of a divot it would just dig in and you just go fucking flying over the front of it you ever seen that picture of uh park you ever seen that picture of arnold schwarzenegger and george hw bush riding a toboggan together no put it up right here it's

the fun it's the funniest do that real it's a real picture it's the funniest duo we can put it up in post it's not that i'll describe it i'll describe it to you right now it's it's the two of them um on the biggest wooden toboggan you've ever seen they both look like they're having a blast but it's like it's it's like you put a random name generator and you were like what would be the two strangest celebrities yeah to be doing it george hw bush i would make more sense if it was w but i guess well not with the timeline i feel like maybe yeah um all right i got an elf on the shelf subscription at night after the kids go to bed we come into your house we move the elf on the shelf and then we we come up with like really creative hijinks for it to get up to the

night before i like that so that that like you never would be able to do because you have your own job we spend all day brainstorming what's the funniest thing that the elf on the shelf could do tonight i i don't really get the elf on the shelf but i've been seeing memes lately it's like when your parents forgot to move the elf on the shelf it's like the idea like so basically it's it's like an elf that like does it only moves when you're not looking and it like gets up to all sorts of nonsense like i saw one the other day where the elf on the shelf like the parents like went way too far and just like destroyed the bathroom and put it in there and the kids were like freaking out and crying because it like they're they're always like kind of borderline

um like aggressive but it's it's like you're not worried that it's gonna hurt you this one it was like painted on the mirror and like like the Chamber of Secrets like blood on them yeah all their toothbrushes were like upside down

and their kids were like dude I saw one the other day and the parents put one in a blender I'm like you're scarring your children and they put like

red splatter all over the kitchen counter what? that is not yeah that's too far I would get carried away if I ever have kids

if I'm ever lucky enough to you know bring life into this world I'm gonna get carried away with the elf on the shelf yeah I don't know

I don't think we weren't an off on the shelf family I think there's something I don't want to scare I don't want my kids to be like worried about it cause it's also like once Christmas ends I would still be like he's still here you know what I mean

back to Santa's workshop earlier today Rusty asked me if it was ever okay for two platonic dude friends to just adopt kids we were talking about starting a family raising kids just with your boys

what sparked that conversation uh i said something about like you said something about like our kids and i was like our kids or something and then he was saying like it'd be funny to talk about his future wife but i was yeah it would be pretty funny to just adopt and raise some kids with your boys will and i were talking about this was the same conversation but we were talking about like uh how funny it would be to be in like a four-way relationship where like will and i would like sleep with the same women and we would like just not know whose kids were whose but then like once they started to grow up like it would become like abundantly clearer that they were like all mine or something very hairy um yeah all right should we do lauren do you want to do christmas

traditions that don't exist first or christmas movies that don't exist first let's do movies well what are some of your favorite christmas movies well i i first of all i love christmas movies my favorite christmas movies are first of all i love we four kings yep it's about everyone knows about the three kings yeah no one knows about the fourth king that showed up and was like bullshit that's just a regular baby and they were like you fucking can't that's the lord of lords you asshole and he's like no that's just a regular baby you guys are gassing us up for no reason yeah so he left and then he felt like an idiot and so it kind of tells his whole story yeah him realizing that he missed out on being like a huge part of like the future of the universe yeah his word also

didn't hold any merit anymore because they were like you were wrong about like the biggest thing that's ever happened yeah he was like an outcast and he had to take his he brought a gift too it was like beads and yeah he just had to lent leave yeah lentils he brought lentils gold frankincense myrrh and lentils what could have been i like uh my one of my favorites is the christmas truce it's when um the british and the germans stopped fighting on christmas eve that's real no no i know and but this is part this is part of the story that's untold there's there were these two soldiers that were enemies and they were both like i kind of want to stop fighting and they tried to escape to switzerland and it's about their christmas journey through eastern europe yes to try and

make their way to switzerland i remember that one yeah i love that one it kind of i love um all i want for christmas is union wages yep it's about when the elves um find out about collective bargaining and they hold christmas hostage because they want a fair contract and so one year nobody gets presents and santa's freaking out yeah um and so he has to give them all livable wages and health insurance and paid family leave and it's kind of a huge win for elves that one's that one's good it's not as good as shrek the halls though oh it's basically um duloc the kingdom of duloc it's a new king who hates christmas and trek and donkey team up with um with santa and rudolph and other christmas characters to try and bring christmas back to duloc that's awesome

yeah yeah well that kind of reminds me of have you ever seen rudolph's last stand no um things reach a boiling point with the other reindeer yeah um and rudolph recruits an army and there's a full-out full-scale war on the north pole and it's extremely bloody and violent and dangerous and he teams up with the south pole right yes yeah he gets all the i have seen that guys from the south pole and he it and with his nose so bright he he's victorious that kind of that kind of reminds me of uh snowed in it's a it's a christmas rom-com where every year these two families uh go on a ski trip together and um the boy the youngest boy and the youngest girl like hate each other but now they're grown up and they haven't done the ski trip in years but there's a

big storm that comes and snows them into their ski house oh no and uh they realize that they that they really like each other wow yeah look at that i love the naughty list it's that horror movie where santa one year more people are naughty than ever have been before and santa realizes that just coal isn't enough yep and so he starts going house by house to all the naughty people and doing really horrible things to them. That kind of reminds me of Christmas with Dad. It's basically these two brothers, their mom has a really important business trip in China,

so they have to go spend Christmas with their dad, who they've been told is this deadbeat alcoholic their whole lives. And they don't really get along the first couple days, but through Christmas spirit, he kind of becomes a better guy and realizes that he wants to be more involved in their lives. Wow, that's awesome. I love I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus. That's a classic.

Santa Claus is dead, and one six-year-old boy is the key witness, and he has to choose whether to testify against his mother in defense of his childhood hero or accept that Santa isn't real and that mommy was acting in self-defense for the old man who ran into their house screaming. Like, yeah. Wow. That reminds me of The Christmas Storm.

uh one year a giant storm comes and wipes out all the christmas tree farms oh no and there's only one big evergreen still standing and the whole town comes together and puts their presence under this one tree and they all celebrate it together that sounds lovely yeah that's a really good idea i mean that's a really good movie that we've seen it definitely exists that's awesome that's a great one um i have one more but i also realized that uh do you have one more no okay so i wrote i wrote down this one and you have to do the bonuses well no because i wrote this one down and then five minutes before the podcast i realized that um i think it already exists he earlier by the way when we were writing we were in the same room and he turns he goes fuck i just wrote the plot

to elf mine mine was slightly different mine was like an elf fell actually no i thought it was different and then now that i'm saying a lot this kind of also happens enough it was it was that the the uh i guess it's just elf in reverse order so this was this was the elf fell out of santa's sleigh while they were delivering presents and then like a family adopts him but that's kind of exactly what happened yeah um the one that i came up with was mr claus and it's basically this like known santa or this known like christmas hater um like somehow stumbles upon santa who's now too sick to deliver presents and so he does it but i'm pretty sure that's just the santa clause no it also sounds like i don't know red claws yeah i'm pretty i i'm all like i'm almost sure

that that there's something like that well i liked it i like the one about the christmas the one christmas tree left is awesome no i was picturing uh charlie brown like that's like a charlie brown situation yeah yeah well yeah well he didn't come up with it i did he wishes um well what are some what are some christmas traditions that your family does well my family we love to do the greasy step yep which is before my parents wake us up on christmas morning they grease one step on the stairs and then as all the kids run down it you got to be really careful and hope you don't find the greasy step because if you do you fall hard dude that's crazy that kind of reminds me um we'll take my cousin ryan's schizophrenic

medicine and we scatter it in a couple different of the advent calendar things and so whoever's date is sometimes they just have like a really weird day that's that's that's awesome in my family uh we do the thing where now that santa's a little bit older he doesn't want milk and cookies so you have to leave cigarettes and rum for santa um ever since my my parents split up my my dad told us that santa got older and he just wants cigarettes and rum i heard that also yeah and You have to buy them also. He won't pay for them. Correct, yes.

In my house, after Christmas Eve dinner, one person has to go hide, and if we find you before it's time to open presents, then you don't get any of your presents. Well, I have also the thing where... Wait, time out. I just can't get over the fucking greasy stuff. That's so funny. All right, continue.

I'm sorry. In my family, we do the thing where the Grinch, in his evil ways, has to return everyone's most expensive present that night. So, because just lately, the way things have gone in our family, the Grinch has to return everyone's most expensive present. Because he's the evil Grinch. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's fun.

But in my neighborhood, we would go around and we'd photobomb all the other family's Christmas cards. And, yeah, it was always a good time. Like with the middle finger, right? Didn't you do that? Yeah, we'd like do like, Like naked, yeah. Yeah. yeah in my family we do the you know if you're coal if you're if you're bad you get coal if

you're good you get presents if you're medium you get a whole nest of bird eggs in your stocking and you have to care for them for the next year and raise a family i think our dads were kind of thinking the same thing because my dad if you have been really bad you get hot coals and he comes around and he drops them into your hand with a barbecue tong and if you can hold on to them for 12 seconds then you end you actually do get your presents oh nice nice uh in my family we do the sad vent calendar yeah where each day leading up to christmas you open the little thing and it tells you a really really awful thing that has happened over the course of human history and it puts things in perspective leading into the joyous time of year yeah that's fun um usually just after we

open all of our presents we end the day with a christmas movie marathon and anytime santa's on screen everyone has to take a drink and we watch like seven or eight christmas movies so it gets pretty strange that's awesome with the little cousins too right yep that's great i love christmas i mean it's so fun yeah what about you or what do you do in your family um i don't have any crazy ones shut the fuck up shut the fuck up and come up with something come up with something right now you're making us look bad you eat in toronto every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV

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Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle total registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. You eat the biggest present. we all eat the biggest present santa picks my family up at midnight and then he takes us to the tallest building in the city and then we all have to jump off into the lake it's like a mess

he catches you with the sleigh at the last moment it's like that scene in star wars with like anakin falls off and he yeah it's like an amusement park thing so it's like you're safe it's fine thank god thank god you're safe dude the visual of just like three children piling down the stairs just one of the steps is just slick as all get out just fucking i like that one that was fun oh also my my parents are happily married everything's fine dude that was i like the theme of like like your dad's just having a tough year yeah like you have to return your most valuable present you're 23 years old

and you just like haven't figured it out you're like it's really weird we gotta Santa's been wait those were fun what are you guys

most excited about just like for going home honestly well my parents moved to Maine last year this is my second Christmas now in Maine and

there is something really special about like being up in the cold in the northeast like I mean all my Christmases before in South Carolina and it was just like nice

so now it's like we have a fireplace and it's snowy it's like how Thanksgiving doesn't feel like Thanksgiving if you're in like a warm place

yeah like now it's like same thing I think I think we've gotten I think we're going home to like some pretty serious snow

is there gonna be snow that's awesome I'm gonna curl up by the fire yeah play the guitar and read some books and play Scrabble

it's gonna be awesome lovely yeah I can't wait my mom and I go to this place and get sweaters every year imagine once no

like it's just this place you all we should go there it's called Portland Dry Goods I'm down they have like nice sweaters and we always go there and then last year

I got her like these really sick leather gloves i might already told you this got these really sick leather gloves it was like the first time i had like enough money to get my mom like a nice you know your sister is usually just like venmo me like i'll put your name on this yeah venmo me 50 bucks like it was the first year i took initiative and was like i'm gonna buy something that's like clearly from me and i got these like nice brown leather winter gloves and i came back like a couple weeks later and they were like a noticeably darker leather and i had to confront her and be like did you return them

and get a different color and she was like yeah that's alright at least she was honest that's a good gift though yeah I thought they were nice

that was a blast I had a great time I love Christmas I'm excited and whatever holiday you're celebrating yeah it just happened

I didn't want to go down the road of traditions of religions I don't understand fully yeah but we love all our playmates Skylar's Jewish

and I was asking him for like we were brainstorming together and he goes he was like what if it's a movie about like a jewish superhero who his his like superpower is his menorah is like a flamethrower and we kind of came to the conclusion that like taken out of context that

could be probably not a great clip yeah i think that was the right call on your part doing that in a santa hat i did go seem kind of strange i went to a hanukkah party on thursday night how was that it was it was lovely um they have like a like some sort of like song that they all like sing when they light the candle it was pretty cool is that it now they just yeah well they also did that at my buddy riggles burman's fun it was so catchy riggles alec riggle alec riggle was half so he got christmas and hanukkah that's the play i was talking to uh this girl this weekend she's dating my buddy and he's jewish and and he was like it's the greatest thing ever because she has to give me eight she got him eight presents this year that's just like way

more than you would get if you were a christian yeah amen or or agnostic or whatever no christian i think was the right word if you sell by christmas no no i mean like like there are people that like still take part in christmas that you know what i mean you can still i mean i don't think i'm really i don't really know where where i stand with religion right now at this point in my life i don't know where i stand with the big guy upstairs yeah i don't know well that too but i mean i don't know where he stands with me quite at this moment quite yeah um that was a fun one That was a fun one. We will see you guys next Wednesday for the New Year's episode.

Let's just say we might have some good resolutions. We're going to have some good resolutions. Also, I was thinking that's because we're going to do resolutions that don't exist. Yeah. Those are just regular resolutions. Yeah, because none of them ever exist. Well, no, it's like they could be real. Yeah.

It's up to you. Fair. True. All right. You want to go eat some crunkle bread? Christmas pie. All right. We love you guys.

love you guys next week merry christmas happy holidays happy happy holiday peace