Will & Rusty's Playdate - A Horse Named Hal

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Will and Rusty catch up with a past AITA caller and hear a playmate’s heavy metal song inspired by one of Will’s sayings. The boys also dive into more airport talk, show off the Best Guys Ever, and draft Dr. Seuss Books as well as sitcoms that don’t exist. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod HEAD TO http://www.drinktriple.com/PLAYDATE TO GET 10% OFF THE ORIGINAL HIGH SELTZER USING CODE: PLAYDATE. 0% HANGOVER, 100% SOCIAL. DOWNLOAD THE APP AND USE CODE PLAYDATE TO BOOK YOUR ONE-WAY TICKET TO FUN WITH DRAFTKINGS CASINO. START PLAYING WITH JUST $5 AND GET $100 BACK INSTANTLY IN CASINO CREDITS. PLEASE PLAY RESPONSIBLY. 21+. https://casino.draftkings.com/ GET 20% OFF + FREE SHIPPING WITH THE CODE PLAYDATE AT https://www.manscaped.com/. THE SUMMER SUN IS HERE TO STAY, SO TRUST MANSCAPED TO KEEP YOUR PUBES AT BAY. (00:00) Intro (05:23) Going Apesh*t in Security (09:17) New Yawk (13:24) Four Foot Ledge (17:37) DonnellonTube (22:55) Roadmap (24:02) Best Guys Ever (31:01) Pitch Submissions (42:38) Poop Talk (47:17) AITA (55:44) Pitches (01:03:25) Dr. Seuss Books that Don’t Exist (01:07:50) Teach Me Something! (01:11:43) Sitcoms that Don’t Exist (01:19:39) Clementine Update (01:21:48) Whose Personality are you Stealing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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As always, Playdate Pod is brought to you by Triple, the original high seltzer. Redefining the party landscape. Ayo, we're back. Episode 85. What is it? Episode 36. I don't know anyone. You guys are so good at the numbers. I mean, it just goes up once every week.

It's not like... There's not like an equation for it. 36 is... 36 is... oh marcus judge aaron judge is 99 fuck i knew it was something with circles i knew it was something with the numbers marcus smart on the celtics perfect marcus smart this is a marcus smart episode uh scrappy one okay i wrote down a couple things that i wanted to get your opinion on yeah i mean i also have some these are all things that you already wanted to talk about but i just wanted

to oh we have these things we're like will and i will be in like the middle of a story and he'll like i'll just tell you on the podcast yeah well i can tell i know one of them well do you want to start with my uber driver yeah deaf uber drivers yeah my death my uber i got a lift home from the airport yesterday and it said on the app like there's like a notification when i found my driver that was like your driver is deaf so like please only text them or like whatever and i was like okay cool seems way more dangerous what please only text the guy that's driving i guess yeah that's a good point too but anyway i was like okay sure whatever so then i get there and i like have my suitcase and so like instead of like normally i feel like i would like open the

door and be like hey for will like i'm gonna put my bag in the back but i was like well that's gonna be weird so i just like walk by the window i just go like and like do like hand gestures do like an interpretive yeah so she opens the trunk and i put it in and then i get in the car she's like for william and it sounds like really normal and i was just like were you expecting it to be like fall with you no no no i just i just well i'm saying like no i didn't know no he was like it sounded super normal no i just i'm not the bad guy here that yeah you kind of did the accent accent deaf scent accents crazy the deaf scent jesus now i feel like an asshole deaf sense like when you lose your hearing your scent gets really your scent gets way stronger what i was

trying to say was just more that she immediately started talking to me which caught me off guard because i expected that there wouldn't be any communication yeah so then i was just i just gave her like a thumbs up and then she was like god this car won't get out of the way like i'm gonna have to reverse or something to get out of here and i was like i was like yeah man that sucks and she was like tell me about it and then i was like okay she's definitely not deaf she lied about she wasn't that oh maybe she's only like 50 or something you mean oh i don't know but she has the impairment man this is really this story's making me feel like an asshole i just more like it'd be funny if she turned around she's like you heard that new like drake kendrick beef

have you heard it wait that reminds me can you look this up lauren this uh but anyway wait the moral of the story was just that i'm pretty my theory which now maybe is just me being ableist but was that she put that because she just didn't want to talk to people in her uber yeah which would be kind of it's an awesome excuse that was she played music too by the way that i don't know if that again i don't know maybe it's music like only with like a bunch of bass yeah maybe she's partially deaf i guess but i my theory was that she just put that in case she didn't want to talk to me but then i think that that's exactly what happened was like this guy's cool yeah she's like all right i'll talk to this guy you like moonwalked into the uber she's like

this she's pretty cool she turns around she winks she's like i'm not i'm just fucking um lauren can you look up uh like oh jesus christ what you it was like the way that i've never heard a can make that noise before um look up look up i you know my ass is thirsty i've convinced my wife i'm deaf road trip okay yeah click all right so just to preface it the reason it reminded me is it's these guys in a they're telling stories to each other it's like four four guys on a road trip and they're like he's like i've convinced my they're clearly joking but he's like i've convinced my wife i'm deaf like so i don't have to talk to her and they're going around and then it just gets to the last guy and it's the funniest it's the funniest thing he like possibly could have said

my wife convinced that i'm deaf but i i never listened to anything she said that's funny bud i have my wife convinced that i'm her husband what wait why what is this video why are they all in this like truck together who are these guys they're just like guys on a road trip

I just like that like he didn't get the he didn't get the joke I didn't get the second one either they were just like making dad jokes you got it i blew it he blew it i get it no i get it i get it now i think i was just thrown off by the whole i think it being on ifunny and the way it's filmed like made that impossible to watch i was gonna get married once but i couldn't because she got sick with cancer and the guys are like that's that's not funny all right yeah all right um and then there was

something else i wanted to talk to you about no oh the guy that went tell lord about the guy that went ape shit in security oh yeah some guy went ape shit in security yeah i was in the in jfk and getting in the security line you know like the guy that like right when you get in like he just you just kind of show him your boarding pass and then he's like go this way or if you pre-check he's like go this way yeah um it was like that guy and the guy was like in a conversation with a customer another guy walked up and the guy just like basically just blew by him and the guy was like whoa sir sir i need to see your boarding pass he was like well you were fucking talking like if you if you're gonna sit there and chit chat and not do your job then i got somewhere to

go like and just and the guy was like what the hell and then the guy was like go fuck yourself like i was like you go fuck yourself like the employee they were all they were yelling and then like the guy it was like a zigzag line where like the guy would get far enough away that they couldn't yell at each other but then once he zigzagged back the other way they'd pick right back up like wait until i'm back over here and then i'm gonna tear you a new one yeah it was it was insane they had to like that the other like workers had to come and like change out the employee it was pretty pretty i mean i loved it honestly you always have these funny airport stories they we just be flying and airports be crazy i'm i'm convinced that like like we're

kind of looking for like funny interactions like that and i think when you put it out in the universe like i kind of want to see those things i had to get them a lot more like the law of attraction i had a baby nightmare on my plane too which was we're on the same plane that's gonna be the oh the one with the big fucking headphones it wouldn't shut the fuck up yeah i yeah it but the thing is it was the whole family of this baby it was like i think it was like the grandparents and then like the parents and then like she was the one in the giant bedazzled nike hat or uh new york hat baby man no no no the mom sorry uh like bling for some reason uh this might be a different baby honestly she was like 10 rows behind you two rows oh no this was it was one

seat in front of me oh okay and then but it was getting passed around like this like cruel hot cake just to fuck me like there was a baby one yeah like like i was in the one seat and i've basically learned that everyone in the circle around me was part of this family and they were all passing the baby around like taking turns while the other one slept yeah so i was the baby was like right in front of me then it was right here then it was right to the left of me then it was behind me i was just like god damn it like this yeah it'd be funny if they weren't they're not family members and then like it it gets it's my turn it gets the person next to you and they're like all right you're up i don't have i don't have nothing to do with this i'm not doing it

i'm not holding it was it a cute baby i don't care honestly i'm sorry i really think they all look alike yeah they do all look exactly well until a certain age but like the like the one in front of me could have been any like race creed or religion like i had you did they all looked the same until yeah like one of me in front of me was definitely christian but that new that new school type of christian yeah but also they were doing the hoisting thing it was that was that was the only part that was don't say the hoisting thing like like that's like lauren and i are gonna be like yeah of course it was actually pretty cute i guess they were like the dad was like going but like spinning it on his finger pressing the baby

like he's doing tricks and at the end of the flight then these other people that were like the only other people kind of in the area are like oh is that her first flight and they were like yeah yeah and they're like oh she did so good and i was like bullshit yeah but i i'm fine if you want to bring your baby on the plane that's fine but i don't think it is gonna complain about it on my podcast i'm not saying there's a that's the only consequence i don't think it is fine i think if you have a baby that you know is gonna be a nightmare like you don't get to fly until they're a certain age. What if they gotta go to like The baby is nowhere to be. They have to go to school

in a different state or something. Oh, a baby goes to boarding school? Baby boarding school. Write that down. No, you guys already, I swear, one of you like pitched that. It does sound like us. Yeah, it sounds right up our alley. I would not put that past either of us. Will and I met some pretty awesome

playmates at the bar. Yeah, they were a bunch of playmates. We were They were asking about Lauren. They were asking about Lauren. Will and I got there and sat down and we're like kind of by ourselves like drinking and then there were these three girls they're like do you guys want to come play cards we were like yeah they had like they had multiple decks of cards like they were mini too you know and mini regular cards perfect we were playing a game called fuck box yeah which it was like beat the box i mean it was a it was a

honestly a pretty juvenile name it was like beat the is that a thing beat the box it was just like beat the box you keep referencing these things now i feel like you feel on a day-to-day basis it was yeah if you've ever played beat the box it's like pretty similar we also paid we played the old course at st andrews this bar had a golf simulator and we were like hell yeah let's go do the golf simulator we were like we played like the hardest course in the world and then all there's like a bunch of other people in our group and everyone was like terrible we ended up playing two holes yeah i thought she was like what course you guys want to play and one of the guys we had met was also a golfer yeah and i and i was like will can figure it

So I was like, let's play the old course, which is like, there's just a lot of like hazards to go into. There's like these pot bunkers. I got to hit six shots in like two hours. Yeah, it was L, honestly. It was like, you know, when you go bowling and there's like one girl that like, is like bad, but she like thinks it's like funny to be bad. Well, bowling, you only get two tries no matter what.

Golf's worse because you can just keep having to go. If you're getting like one foot, you just keep going. Yeah. I'm not, I didn't mean to nag you. No, it's fine. i think you're one of my best co-workers can i get can i get someone off my chest yeah this is this is such a random thing to be mad about but it's i i feel like i've been getting more of these videos lately and it's just pissing me off it'll be like someone running like pick a random brand

like triple okay let's say like triple or yoruba right let's say the person who's running the yoruba social is like tasked with like growing the account right yeah and it feels like one of the things that they've been doing is like blow this post up so like i can show my boss that like whatever yeah hitting this can with a golf club is going to do way more than like a regular commercial and then it has like a fucking million likes they didn't earn that they didn't earn it and it's just making me mad that it's like because i'll like play into it and then i'm like but that seems like a bad lesson to be yeah i don't know no i think you're right i think you're right it's It's been pissing me off.

I think that... Wait, what do you mean they didn't earn it? I don't know. I kind of just tagged on with what Will said. But, like... I meant they were just... Instead of actually come up with the creative original content... Oh.

Yeah, they'll be, like, mailing it in. Prove to my dad that, like, this dog riding a bike will do better than, like, a video of their product. And it's like... Yeah. You're not advertising the product. Yeah, it's like... Yeah.

And does your dad... Are you giving your dad all the same data? Like, does he know that a lot of these people are just liking it because you're saying they like it? Like, does that really count in your dad's eyes? It's been fucking grinding my gears lately to be honest. Yeah, I agree. But what hasn't been grinding my gears is we've had some big clips last couple weeks.

These country songs ones. I know we were talking about this, but kind of a sick... We're getting all these people duetting it. Like these really talented country artists. Yeah. We were just talking about this weekend. It's very funny how we kind of never know what's going to hit. And then when it does, it feels like we're at the point where someone's going to come

and be like, oh, the country music guys. And it was just like one thing we did once. There was one guy that made a... His video got more than ours. Is that who you're talking about? Oh, that one was killer. Travis Denning. Oh, I was going to say Denning.

Yeah, that one was great. His video has more views than the original. There was one guy who like, it was weird because he made the video and I was like, that's awesome. But he kept replying to all the comments. Yeah. Being like, telling us to share it and stuff,

which was like yeah he wasn't he wasn't a playmate he was just he saw an opportunity and oh that reminds me yeah speaking of a playmate i told him we we would listen to it on the do you remember our metal song oh oh yeah i forgot to play that last week yeah can we do it someone made a metal song out of one of our sayings and got it like professionally produced and stuff and uh i said i would listen to it last week and then i forgot this podcast is brought to you by triple triple is the original high seltzer with three milligrams of thc and just 15 to 20 calories triple offers a social buzz similar to that of your favorite hard seltzer light on calories high on life it is an all-natural gluten-free and again just 15 to 20 calories i love triple i stay loving triple i

actually am going to use this opportunity to tell triple i drank all the triple we were out of triples that you sent us because they were so good which i feel like is a good endorsement it's the best endorsement you can but also if you're listening we would love some more if you're down to send them will also took uh the majority of my triples yeah which is has just been a nightmare triples are great though i mean who wouldn't want to take them they're the kind of beverage you want to steal from your friends we talk about it all the time but will and i got tripled out of our gourd the other day that was awesome triple is born from a desire to blend thc's social buzz with the social ritual of sipping on a seltzer triple is now available in total wine locations

grocery stores liquor stores bars and restaurants in florida texas and now missouri i'm talking to you st louis kansas city lake of the ozarks it's available get triple it's currently also available online nationwide to get it now go to drink triple.com and use code playdate for 10 off your order that's drink t-r-i-p-l-e.com and use code playdate for 10 off your order triple redefining the party landscape let's get back into the episode all right all right so this is called four foot ledge by i should probably say the name of the band the silence becoming sick and uh it is inspired by one of our sayings videos and this is something they've been working on for months and we're going to give it our live reaction here in the here in the stew let it go it's three

minutes this is this is kind of sick this is not a type of music wait can you pause it for a second oh it stresses me out I'm just thinking about because we release it so early in the morning someone's on the way to work being like

Playdate's usually a pretty easy listen just death metal this is a different animal alright sorry oh go back go back oh my god

He hasn't even said four foot ledge yet. I'm guessing, I think that's coming. I think it's right here. I like this part. I do too. I admittedly like,

it's not a genre. all right we stop we can stop it's not it's really not a genre i dabble in much i don't totally get like the guttural singing part of that genre but that part it sounds like like a like a i like that part what what in your sorry what in your childhood do you think would have had to like gone differently for you to like associate with this i don't know i was in a band when i was a kid and uh yeah wait can you pull that up we'll pull up will's band it's awesome have we not done this already no no go to youtube yeah but the guitarist i think that of that band now does stuff like this put in the no no put in the question danellen tube such a such a fucking

sick band tube one word it's my dad's youtube channel danellen tube oh that's cute oh my god Do the second one. Do the second one. The question is such a sick band name. I'm so drunk. That is a cool song. Yo, did you hear that new song about the question? What is the question, Will?

Our band. No, I mean, like, what do you think you guys were asking? That was our thing. When people asked, what is the question, we'd just say, oh, it's our band. Yeah, I was the lead singer. You were the singer? Yeah. Why are your shoes so bulky?

You can, like, barely tell. Giant shoes. It was 2012, everyone was wearing giant shirts. Yeah, everyone was wearing Osirises. There were like 200 people here. Were there really? Yeah, it was my going-away party when I moved to South Carolina from Pennsylvania. You had a question shirt?

Yeah, we had custom merch. That's fucking badass. Your dad goes, good distortion. No, that's his friend Chad. Chad Muckleberry? Chad Kinsey. He lent us all the equipment. He was like a musician.

okay i know it all went downhill when i hit puberty is this an original song no it's the monkeys and it's staying it's like i don't know why it's like hard to watch that's awesome anyway the guitarist keegan france last time i saw he was in like doing that kind of like like the like hard like punk shit which i think is badass but you're asking like i mean obviously we were we went different trajectories in our music case from this point on so but that was yeah there's a great lineup

this was an all-time band like these we only had this lineup for one concert ever owen wallace on sax sarah newville on drums why was it so hard to get the squad together well i think sarah newville and carter standish the bassist that had a relationship falling out oh interesting at this bitch yeah it was like one of those like seven year old fleetwood mac yeah yeah so much turmoil between the band yeah so then but sarah newbell came back for one show only he saw her like kissing and or like uh like hugging another girl yeah high-fiving another lost his fucking marble he went off the rails dude his music got so sad after that but yeah that is daydream believer from DenelonTube. Oh, boy, yeah.

That's DenelonTube, alright. Will Talks A Lot? Look at that first one. Yeah, let's watch Will Talks A Lot. The main one. Okay. Hey. Thank you. Should I sit over here again? Yeah.

Is that you? Stop. Oh, my God. You were so cute. Okay. You sit up here. My dad used to do these videos. interview us oh my god it's a good vibe in your house I want to hear I don't know what the question is. What's your name? What's your full name? Let me turn these tunes

off. They're too loud and I can't hear what you're saying. Okay. Could you say that again? This is going to make me cry. Will Miles Dinella. Okay. How old are you? Two. Okay. And what What kind of things do you like to do? I like to get on the airplane. Okay. Airplanes. Getting on the airplane. Still to this day.

He's like, I like airplanes and pirates. Where? You go to toddler class? Who's there? The hell is toddler class? I don't know. I've never seen a video of you. I know.

I'm really jealous. My dad has hundreds of these. He had a... Do you want to watch it more? He has, like... Yeah, we don't have to watch this whole thing, but... It's so cute. Yeah, there's a lot of footage like that.

Yeah, I'm pretty jealous that you get to, like... Like, I have no idea what I was like as a kid. Yeah. I was a fucking killer. Look at that shit I was doing on the couch. That's, like... Sometimes I still lay like that. Yeah?

Yeah, you love rubbing your face on shit? Getting down? Yeah. Yeah. Alrighty. That just made me, like, really emotional for some reason. Yeah, that was lovely. um all right should we rm it up yeah yeah what does that mean oh roadmap oh fuck yeah

how could i forget how could i forget dude i keep i'm like in the middle of a text conversation with like the love of my life it's very distracting you can't do it during the podcast i have it on do how to serve i'm saying when i go to whatever i see what you're saying i see what you're saying i'm on your side we've got we've got a great episode for you guys today we have your pitches as usual our pitches am i the asshole lauren do we have a couple do we have any phone calls yeah we're gonna call this one girl let's go epic then we have everyone's new favorite segment teach me something yep we have everyone's second new favorite segment best guy ever and then we are drafting not in this order necessarily but sitcoms that don't exist

excuse me and dr seuss books that do not exist yep it's gonna be a blast um should we get into some pitches let's do it oh man wait don't we do best guy ever first or no i don't care this is our podcast let's just do whatever while we're doing the video stuff should we just do best guy oh yeah um do you want to start us off well yeah it's in slack slank best guy ever this one's this one is can we make a jingle for best guy ever yeah yeah and we did we watched all night to the best guy ever wait i feel left out one direction song i wasn't a one head one head oh this is great you have anything to say or can i just can i just preface one thing yeah um actually i'm not My neighbor blessed my son with a guitar.

It's so wholesome, but the guy who's giving him the guitar is like tweaking. He's like knocking shit over. He wanted this college to be successful. He's crying. And to do well. So he told him that he would get him a guitar so he can take guitar lessons. oh it was a surprise we didn't even know it when good people reach out to help the children it's such a sweet moment but i i can't pretend the commentary is not hilarious

it's just such an awkward video yeah i'll bury a wholesome moment clearly oh wait which which guy is the best guy the guy who gave him the guitar yeah oh i just thought it's funny like there's this whole moment that he just like stumbles backwards and knocks everything um fuck that's really that really sad was that depressing well no no i don't think it's i think it's really sweet but like there's something about like i think we did you guys have neighbors like that they were just like super generous but you like you didn't like necessarily like understand what was like he that guy like did such a nice thing and just got nothing and like got no reaction from that kid yeah yeah i see what you're saying yeah um that

guy is the best guy ever yeah that guy's the best guy ever he saved up and got that kid a guitar that's so nice yeah my uh i took guitar lessons from this guy down the street and he like went to high school with my babysitter yeah but like everyone had kind of like moved on from like they were like almost 30 and he was like still kind of in our neighborhood yeah and i remember feeling really weird in his house wait who was he he was like a neighbor guy why were you in his house because i was taking guitar lessons from him oh and uh yeah it put a weird taste in my mouth for guitars well that guy's the man yeah so best guy ever so video can be funny without it being us making fun of the guy right 100 because that feels like we're towing a line here where no

one knew whether they could laugh or not yeah we're not making fun that guy's the man but that video is hysterical okay um i also slacked um so to preface you can pick either one of these but i saw this guy on tiktok oh oh oh go on wait well close your eyes close your eyes i can't it was completely blocked um i saw this guy i really liked his vibe i was like kind of you know in a i was drunk and i commented like you can open them now oh my god i was like i would i would uh i think i said something along the lines of like i would fight like i would follow you into like a fight that was like 13 to 1 or something and he was like he was like yeah well it'd be 13 to 2 cause I'd be right there

with you and we followed each other and I just love this guy's vibe he's like you'll see you'll see his you'll see his thing

I'm excited so his thing is he picks a song and it's just like him always like making a drink he's like always like

really well dressed for some reason yeah this guy's living the good life yeah this guy's gotta fucking figure it out

is what he's got yeah He's got the P-Rag too Yeah P-Rag What? Pacific Rails American Gin Me and the boys were

Twisted off the P-Rag last night Click the other one That's great Yeah here we go This is a classic Yeah Listen baby I like that he just

It's a simple format Make the drink Hold the vinyl up I know Doesn't say a fucking word You're totally on to something here. Dude, he's cracked it. I don't know what it is.

Is he big? Does he have a lot of followers? Yeah, I think he's, like, fairly big. That's awesome. I love when, like, old people, like, stumble into, like, success. Yeah, wait. Like, this is actually a good format. Who's the old lady that, like, is, like, she has, like, millions of followers on TikTok?

The vegan teacher? No, she's, like, a grandma, and she'll be, like, people were mean to me in high school because I said I was going to be famous. Now they're all dead and I'm famous. You know what I mean? Don't spoil it. That was best guy ever. A couple great guys.

Awesome guys. Let us know if you like that segment. I think people like that segment. I always worry we do too much video stuff. Is that an issue for our audio listeners? I don't know. They have no way to voice their comments either. The only feedback we get is from the YouTube people.

There could be a guy being like, stop playing so many fucking videos no absolutely no way to gauge it is funny that podcasting is like inherently an audio like i know thing and we're just like let's make the first 45 minutes of this all videos yeah that like it's not there's not much like uh audio talking and it's all they all of these have been you need the video to understand all right rewind it back to the days of chillaxing on the beach and all day fun with spring break on DraftKings Casino. Play exclusive games like FanFave Rocket.

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$5 wager required. Max. 100 in casino credits awarded which require one-time playthrough within 168 hours see terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos restrictions apply let's get back into the episode cheers bitches yeah yes well whatever okay god it says dr dp i'm not a dr dp guy typically it's getting me right it's pretty good yeah i don't like the diet one i feel like it has a funky hey why'd you say dr dp i meant to say diet dp or wait what did you say no you said dr dp that's what they call me in high school do you have my tummy grumbling no

it can it wants it wants more dr dp ddp i didn't like where that just went let's move let's move on we're just doing a podcast not that high stakes guys we're all just here to have fun okay first pitch is from jake lappen hit him with hit him hit us with a jl what joe what's the hissy haps lauren and her righteous men i tuned out one second i don't know what's the haps with you brother just chilling yeah i'm cool what's the biggest problem problem lauren can't read still what's the biggest problem with reading what's the biggest problem mostly the vowels i'm a perfect reader i'm a perfect reader other in other if it makes you feel any better you guys told me that i fucking can't read

a couple of days ago so you told us you've never read a book i've read i've read uh tangerine yeah yeah the soccer book pull up tangerine yeah yeah we were just talking about that that book is killer more more let's do more video and not non-audio stuff yeah this was tangerine yeah Oh, he had, like, glasses, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the goalie, too. Yeah. I read Tangerine and Catcher in the Rye,

and that was the only two books I've ever read. We're guys. We only have read Tangerine and Catcher in the Rye. Jake. Jake's pitch. What's the biggest problem three megastars such as yourselves and us common folk face? Let's think about it.

We're going to answer that? Yeah. What's the biggest problem? um i just i still always slip my shoes on and i never tie them and it ruins the backs of them i'd say my like like your back starts to hurt for some reason my back has been hurting a lot my back always hurts yeah well he said you guessed it it's remembering the names of everyone you meet fuck that's actually true that might actually might be it this is a problem no more with nifty shades of names these sunglasses have a heads-up display that recognizes the face of the

person you were talking to and displays their name for you to see no longer will you look like an asshole when running into your sophomore biology lot partner who enjoyed frog dissecting a little too much or an old relative who was at your birth but has mysteriously been gone since yep members of our nifty shades plus program will also be shown three small facts of the person to avoid awkward pauses in conversation love you in the pot and i'm looking forward to your investment I need this one I am I had a bad one recently

Yeah tell me about it I was It was I was going to get lunch On our On our street Yeah Of our office

Like last week Walking down the street Guy's like Wait Wilden Allen Yeah And like Okay

This is There's no like Cool way to say this But like Because we have a podcast And are in the public eye Like A lot

You know Sometimes you don't know In public If someone's coming up Because they know you From your podcast Oh you treat them like a fan Yeah

So I was like Hey man Like good to meet you Great to meet you brother Yeah it was just like Great meeting you And he was like dude what do you live out here now and i was like yeah he's like dude that's awesome i i i like i'm

in the area dude i'm in santa monica like that's crazy running into you like we should hang soon and i was like yeah yeah yeah absolutely dude it's great to see you and like walked around i was like i'm pretty sure i went to like high school i don't know i actually have no idea i choked so hard i still to this day don't know and i feel like an asshole it was definitely someone from like college or high school that i knew in my personal life that like it had been long enough that it had just gone out one so if you're listening dude i'm so sorry let's hang out i got hit with uh i got hit with a what's my name like night of meeting someone and it was like we met and we're like we're like hanging out in like a big i think it was at um yeah i think it was at the golf

simulator yeah and i got hit with what's my name and it oh no you know what it was it was we were at uh we were at a bar in manhattan and um i was talking to flag's friend got it and uh we met but so loud in that bar there the dog yeah no no the on on oh blue haven east yeah yeah no wherever the next game was blue haven yeah yeah and flag wasn't there though yeah she was then we're talking oh oh supply house supply house i'm just naming all the bars and uh and she hit me with the what's my name and we'd only been talking for like

15 minutes yeah and then I I was like I was like Emily and I tried to like mumble it

so I could like get away with it and she was like what and I was like it turns out her name was Julie and then right after that

we were like kind of hitting it off like great conversation after that happened she just went and just sat next to Sam and I didn't talk to her I haven't seen her since

you blew it whatever it wasn't like a romantic thing but it was like I felt bad but it was like we met that

we had a bad night i don't like when people put you on the spot like that but it is something i really want to be better about and you know it's not personal if they don't remember it's like no it's not yeah i also like when i'm meeting someone i'm thinking about how i'm gonna say my name and like i just get caught up in the like all right it's your turn to say your name and like yeah i don't hear what they say which is a horror it's not like that's not an excuse no but i think yeah i mean i think the maneuver unless they put on the spot like that is and i was with skylar when i had this horrible interaction yeah and he's like dude you blew that you should have just

been like oh by the way this is skylar yeah i think that's like a larry david bit but like yeah yeah if you can just do that i don't know but i want i want and i like that it wasn't nifty shades of nifty shades of names nifty shades of names love it million dollars i'll put down a million can we also get a million can we we can maybe go in the back end and add this uh coding but it also gives you like uh like does this did this guy suck the last time we hung out you know what i mean where like we were yeah but it can't register that for you to other people no it tells everyone i rule yeah it tells everyone we were great but um like will and i will and i ran into a guy a couple weeks ago and it was like i don't want to like name names obviously but like it was just

like the worst guy ever from our from our past yeah and it was so bad it was just a nightmare to hang out with him. His name was Brayden. His name was Brayden Copperstone. Great Imposterstone. Great, great, great pasta stone. The Great Pasta Stone. The Great Pasta Stone.

Where the Italians landed in America instead of Plymouth Rock. The Great Pasta Stone. Did you see Luke Knoll posted something today? It was, shout out Luke Knoll. Yeah, Luke Knoll's the best. He was talking about the first sketch he ever pitched when he was on SNL was like

Ryan Gosling was the host of that episode and the idea was he's on death row but he asked for his last meal to be the unlimited breadsticks and pasta thing from Olive Garden so that he can never get killed because as long as he keeps eating it he never dies. That was fucking hysterical dude. I love that guy.

That was a great one. Alright, thank you Jake. Also Sabrina Carpenter and Jake Gyllenhaal are going to be on SNL. I love them both. That's a fun doodle. all righty next one is from theo theo caller picture this you're crashing on a buddy's couch after hitting the bars and you wake up in the middle of the night your mind feels wired even

though you know you should be tired or maybe you're spending the night at a special someone's house for the first time and can't fall asleep that's where the sleepy tooth comes in the sleepy tooth is a fake tooth like they use in spy movies but instead of keeping a cyanide capsule in there in case you're captured by bad guys. There's enough room in there for a melatonin pill. Oh, that's a good idea. Just crack that bad boy open with a big chomp and you'll be getting drowsy in no time.

If melatonin doesn't work for you, don't worry. The sleepy tooth works for other pills too. You can fit an Ambien in there or maybe some Xanax for an emergency panic attack. Heck, you could probably fit an edible in there for the next time where it gets a little boring. The sleepy tooth. With just one bite, you'll be alright.

Well done. I actually have some questions about the science of that. i i guess i'm not really super familiar with the use of this in spy movies yeah so it's a tooth that has cyanide in it no i think it's like a i think it's like a uh what are they called one like a cap or something a crown and you would just like kind of pull it out and there would be a pill in there and you like so it's not just like like what if you accidentally like bit too hard in your sandwich would you die i think you probably wouldn't run the risk of eating with cyanide in your mouth yeah why are they are they keeping it there so they can like take it out and

Yeah, they get captured, and they can, like, kill themselves. Even if they're, like, naked, like, they would never, like, think to check in your teeth. Yeah. What is the phenomenon of, like, getting a new person that you're seeing, and you just can't sleep with them? There's something weird about that. I got something stuck in my teeth now. I started thinking about teeth. Yeah.

Keep going. Why can't you sleep when you're with a new person? New, like, different body temperatures. Like, there's just so many things to get used to. I feel like is like are you worried something's gonna happen like you don't trust them yet no it is why it is strange that it feels like when you first start seeing someone they're way yeah they're way hotter they're way hotter everyone's like a fucking furnace when you're trying to sleep with them or is this the whole pod now I just gotta carry this

like by temperature yes um like physically and then and then you start you start I got it you see them more and then they cool off yeah totally so strange that's can you or do you fall asleep easier on the t-man um now i know oh really don't touch me no but like you can still like fall sleep oh yeah interesting but i just you're not a cuddler are you a cuddler will i mean for a little and then i'm like i need to just sleep i don't know it's been too long like it sounds awesome sounds great i've heard good things historically but i do find it hard to sleep yeah if i've never what i've i feel like i usually fall asleep cuddling but i've never woken up i've never woken up i've never i've never i've never woken up with them still there um no like i like

i always end up i always end up on the farthest like i like even when i'm alone in bed like my knee is off the bed i like being alone in bed yeah yeah because i'm a flopper i'm a chomper my no i'm not a jumper that sounds i just got like a womper like i'm like a flomper my my girlfriend at ron's my bath i think i might have told you this is my bathroom was like connected to my room i lived in kind of like almost the basement area it was like three steps down like it was technically still the first floor but you would like go down in this little like dungeon yeah and the door was like this really thin sliding door and so it was like if i had to go to bath the bathroom in the morning i would have to like lie and say i was like going

in someone else's bathroom or whatever but that's the reason i don't like sleeping with people is because i feel like i never have like stomach issues and then someone will sleep over and i'm like you're am i dying right now like do i have it feels like i have crones when if someone's sleeping in the same room as me yeah yeah no i i this is just not something i think about like you do yeah we talk about this all the time yeah i'm very way more worried about stomach issues around girls than well around like people in general like i get like i've if i have to go to the bathroom it's like a fucking game over yeah you might as well call it i pooped at the bar last weekend how's that fine it's just like pooping anywhere else my friend yeah but then everyone

at the bar knows you're a pooper no they don't who's looking in the stalls i poop we both pooped at the liquor store yeah that was pretty fun but the second i was in there the guy someone knocked or someone like knocked on the door and so he he stopped pooping mid poop yeah i didn't want them to think i was pooping that's what i'm saying i was like what do you mean just wait everybody poops yeah that's true but not everyone poops in public like i had a buddy at ron's actually i don't want to believe his name kremus i don't want to put him on blast for being a pooper but he he would like i would be at the bar and i'd be like all right i'm gonna go poop and he would leave for like 20 minutes and like it was like a there was a bathroom that was just one

stall and he would go in there for like 20 minutes he would come out and like girls would be like in line it was like our friends were very small school that's bold and and like he it would but like i think it was like endearing that he like just didn't he was so comfortable in his own skin yeah i guess i hope that that's what people's take away from my lack of reluctancy to poop i noticed yours have been like tasting way worse lately though yeah mine have been tasting horrible lately yeah like like as if he was eating my poops wait i don't know why i just thought of this but did you guys see the new movie or it's not new anymore anyone but you the sydney sweeney one no i watched it yesterday it was horrible really yeah it's like shitty

acting did i tell you i met glenn powell you did we were in austin oh yeah and he walked in and he knew someone he knew someone that we were sitting with and he came over and said hello he was with like three supermodels they were there for like a drink and then they all left in the same car and I was like that's the coolest guy ever I saw photos of that that was a different one I think that was I saw those photos as well that would be hilarious if it was like you like look in the background it's me like

dude did you see that TikTok of like some guys performing in New Orleans where you're in the background it said you'd liked it someone DM'd it to us and you had already liked it so I didn't send it to you I liked the video they were like screaming in the street it was like a reel of some like performance art in the street

oh they were doing this thing they were doing this like I think it's a Shakespeare yeah yeah reenactment um i was in the did the video comment that i was in the background someone dm'd it was like rusty spotting in the background which was like an insane snipe you were like tiny in it yeah that was fun all right should we should we aita yeah aita all right hey cab oh hey cab i don't i don't think that i was just repeating a word i think there's some that are pretty good guys there's one okay what would your cop name be officer dinkler like dude you do not want to get pulled over by officer dinkler hey there beach babes are you

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this first one is he didn't say if we could use his name um let's just call him ned trent ned ned all right am i the asshole first of all uh this story is actually so it's not even him it's his best mate first of all the story is actually from my best mate's perspective so where's he from australia probably it was a summer's night in western australia we were in we were in year 10 So about 15-ish years old We had like a smallish party that night For how simple that was That like threw Will and I

Both of us are fucking looped He was year 10? He was a sophomore in high school If you're going to submit a pitch Please put it in American Okay We had We had a smallish party that night

And everything wrapped up semi-early We all went our separate ways and ended up at home my mate thought he was overdue for the company of a woman so he gets on his ipad sending out some hail mary are you up messages ipad yeah that's awesome it's like an action bronson lyric like sending out you up text from my from my silver ipad was that killer i i don't know enough action bronson that's uh yeah yeah i got that remember we were all a bit drunk and this story is from my mate's perspective so he may have taken some liberties when recalling the following day one of his messages might or must have worked because he then decided to set

off in pursuit of love i think he called an uber to where he thought she lived and he brought his ipad with him to no phone for some reason can i just stop you right there yeah if he's going to where she he thought she lived she did not respond he was taking it upon himself to go ask in person yeah or also what is his ipad have wi-fi or hotspot we had a i had a friend who was constantly breaking his phone and so like he just his phone was an ipad for like like multiple weeks and it had cell service no he just had to wait until we were at someone's house all right i did that one summer i had an ipad as brutal it's a humbling i'm not in like high school i did it for like a month yeah it was horrible i just remember only like 10 songs on them one of them was wolves and

it was just like it was literally wolves like howling no the song wolves by kanye west oh they were like wait one of the only only one of the songs ad was just wolf uh on his way there his ipad ran out of battery and the uber driver sort of dropped him in a neighborhood with no way of being able to contact his cheese wait what the hell his cheese he frantically his cheese he called the girl his cheese okay got into a bit of cheese is that i can't tell if that's like offensive but wait sounds hysterical okay okay with no way of being able to contact it sounds stinky his cheese he frantically ran around looking for her house but with no luck drunk horny and angry he decided to go home he had no way of contact the worst three

emotions you can be at the same time yeah no way of contacting anyone or getting home realizing he's in the same neighborhood as another friend of ours from school he decides to break into our friend's house steal his mom's bike and ride home with every intention on returning it in the morning the bike retrieval mission was this was exist whoa was a success this is insane it feels like you're playing into the bit and ozzy was on his way home his name's ozzy too let's go except he hit a curb went over the handlebars bent the forks and threw the bike off mount henry bridge wait what what is all these words bent the forks what is bent like like the spokes of his bike guys please put it in american yeah wait did he fall off the bridge or he broke the bike

and just panicked and threw it off the bridge i think he's saying he went over the handlebars and then like the bike like flew off the bridge no it sounds like i think he wait read it again read it again he's lower though he hit a curb okay i went over the handlebars okay bent the forks what is bent the fork that's gotta be like yeah look up bent the fork it's definitely just the spokes that's such a specific phrase there's no way oh i don't know i don't know anyway for uh bike forks look up bike forks oh he bent like the chassis okay that's the thing you said last week yeah the frame okay this is just this okay um the kid whose mom's bike got stolen never has been told and

he came to school the day after complaining his house got broken into my question is is ozzy the asshole or was it a young man on a quest for love merely a crime of passion so i i am actually kind of on ozzy's side because being stranded with with no way to like with no way to get home and is the most helpless feeling in the entire world yeah he did what he needed to do but you have to immediately come clean and like uh pay for the bike yeah i mean it's hysterical that his instinct is like well i guess i'm gonna break in my buddy's house and take his mom's bike like i feel like you could like wave someone down or like i guess that's scary yeah or if it was a bikeable distance it was probably walkable yeah it's also interesting

that they were in like in grade 10 i was not ubering to girls in my grades yeah even if they wonder how old these people are they were 15 he said they were i'm saying like now like uber didn't exist when we were 15 yeah it did uh uber barely existed when we were 15 10 years ago there was when did uber start i was ubering i was ubering in like middle school i think when did uber start google yeah oh nine yeah i mean they weren't big in oh nine no probably okay all right fair enough i was wrong about that um yeah i'd say aussies yeah i don't know aussies the asshole but it's i get i get how he i get how it happened i love i do genuinely love that people submit these i am the asshole am i the asshole situations where it's so clear that

they're the asshole and just want to tell a funny story i don't or but i don't know this guy broke into someone's house, stole their bike, threw it into the river while blackout drunk. Yeah, but when you're using a selective amount of information, if you take the whole thing into consideration, like, you know, he didn't set out

with the intention of like... It was like manslaughter. Yeah, it was murder. Like, it wasn't premeditated. Yeah. He just wanted some cheese, man. I know, what was that? Getting in all sorts of cheese last night. Yeah, these are crazy. I mean, the whole slang words thing we did, we could just...

If we got one Australian guy, they'd probably all go by. Yeah, we're just like, hey, can you talk for a little while? He's like our ghost writer. All right. All right. That was a fun one. Thank you, Ned. Okay.

This one, we're going to call this girl. She gave us a little gist, though. So it's about the revenge I got on my crazy ex. Let's go. So it all started when I told my boyfriend of a year that I wanted to break up. I had felt like we were growing apart, and I was just done. he begged me to wait till after his birthday with which was only if you just wanted a present that motherfucker just wanted a present i respect it which was only a few days after we were talking

about this i said fine so his birthday comes around and i gave him his gift because i had already ordered it bang it was a real samurai sword which now i wish i kept because it was fucking dope then after we did all the regular birthday stuff i went home the next day i asked if we could meet up and talk he said no and that he had work so the next day he just wanted this fucking present i sniped it he's like not until next birthday yeah so the next day i asked again he said no because he had plans and i'm gonna call her he's like fine we can hang out on christmas we can hang out the day after christmas or any of the days of hanukkah I hope she answers

I'm not speaking It'd be awkward if she didn't She said she was down though Yeah we've never not had someone answer Which is shocking Yeah I don't even know if like How do you

This is like an Instagram call right? Yeah Yeah that's bizarre You might have to circle back It didn't even sound like it was calling No it didn't Alright we can just move on If she calls back

The guy just wanted to He said she was down I'd say you're not the asshole Yeah That sword sounds sick um all right should we do our pitches yeah i've got something now everyone just has to stick around until she calls back yeah perfect all right we'll we'll wait to but we'll move on until then yeah it's just like an hour of like dead silence yeah all right here's a business pitch for you

headphone lights here's my thing all right you got headphones on and especially in like a travel context sometimes like you want to have a conversation and so you just pause your music but then people don't realize that you're not listening to music and so then they're like take your headphones out and like sometimes i just want it to be clear to someone that i can't have a conversation right now even though i physically have my airpods in yep so it's just like a little light on the outside that's like if you're listening to music it's red and once you pause it it turns green so that the other person can perceive whether they can talk to you or not also eliminates if someone talks to you while you're listening to music they'll be like oh he's he's

red that means like it's like a threshold for volume like over five notches yep it turns green or turns red so that people know that you won't be able to hear them if they talk to you then that scenario i like that a lot and i would use it for i would use it for this when i get into like an uber like on the way to the airport i turn on like the transparency mode yes and so that sets the precedent like okay his headphones are in but he can clearly hear me yeah but then the second we're moving i turn on noise cancellation yep and they're like trying to talk and i wish there was a way they could know like no i switched off that mode where we're talking yeah and that you're not a bad guy i'm not a bad guy i'm just listening to drake yeah not a bad guy you just take a side

um he's a pedo is he that's what kendrick said and then why do you say pedo because that's what he said pedo pedo i've heard both no i pedo's like british he's a payday yeah he's a bloody pedophile yeah uh he is though that's what kendrick said yeah that's strange um it's pretty hot a scorching take yeah yeah it's pretty damning information yeah i feel like i feel like that's the one occupation where you can get called that and he's like he's still working today yeah well they also yeah yeah he also apparently there's rumors that i really don't i haven't really been privy to much of what's going on but apparently people are saying that drake might have intentionally had people like feed bad

info to kendrick well because he made a song saying that that all the information that kendrick had like was bait that they left out and it's like i can't believe you took that the pedophile one is would be an insane bait to give him yeah i thought i think he was drake was just saying that the bait that he left for him was the daughter thing got it that would be funny if he's like tricked you tricked you yeah you to call me a pedophile yeah i was like that can't help his case for gross um i'm glad we weighed in on that honestly yeah i think people were probably just waiting i'm on kendrick's side you're on drake's side but we're not gonna let it get i'm definitely not on drake's side i'm on i'm on i don't know enough to be on either side

i'm on god's side yeah i'm i don't know um okay what's the worst part about wearing a hoodie on a plane the gets all scrunchy in the back sometimes well no because you put it up okay but some you don't want to wear a hood i would say the issue is i don't think there is one i love it because it's or maybe more it needs more cushion on the sides if you lean maybe we can add that too but i was gonna say like when you get on the plane and it's like cold so you're wearing it and then it like gets hot on the plane and as it gets cold it's like got it it's so tight it's such tight quarters that like if i take it off i'm gonna like elbow the person next to me and then like i have i can't take it off this way because i'm like my shirt's gonna ride up and everyone's

gonna see what my belly looks like and like it's true it's just a fucking nightmare i'm tired of dealing with it these are this is a sweatshirt that comes off like nba like warm-up pants yeah so it's like i can just detach the front and it it and the back comes off i can fold it up and then to put it back on i just slide the back behind me and then like snap it back on it does my only qualm because this was always the issue with nba warm-up pants yeah like unironically i had a pair going up there's so many buttons a million takes forever yeah i guess it is easier than like i don't know i actually might i might divest from this pitch we we had well maybe it's like magnets i don't know oh um that i like so when i i did this thing called saturday morning

basketball growing up where it was basically like the the high schoolers would teach us so like we were all on teams that's like when you're younger you're on like you're on college teams and then when you're in sixth grade you're on nba teams that's awesome and uh i remember like at the beginning of each one coach ray he was like a he was like a legendary coach in our uh in our town would do trivia and if you got it you would get like old jerseys or like you'd get like their current jerseys or like socks or like something cool yeah and i answered a trivia question correctly and i got their uh their pants that ripped off that's sick but the buttons were like ways wait what's team what do you mean what what kind of pants were they it was just like our high

schools oh okay and uh the the buttons were like way harder than normal buttons and i was like in 5th or 6th grade and I remember wearing them in warm ups of like a middle school game and they were just like two like the buttons were too strong

to like rip off in one swift motion yeah so it like ruined the whole point where I had like just like one by one take them off

that's the yeah well I had one the only pair I had was from Martin's oh should have bought it

when I saw it at Martin's I got a pair of wizards did you have Martin's pair of white pants no that's only in Maine no oh wow

what age were you uh i don't know 12 but you were coming to maine that early i've been coming to maine since i was that old i didn't know that my dad has been going to maine since he was that old insurance my great-grandfather built my house in 1896 cool yeah wow pretty cool right he came from ireland he's an irish immigrant that's very cool he built the house that my parents live in now oh wow my uh my dad's convinced that um the guy that lived in our uh house in booth bay was like a spy why is it like like the cabin or the bookshelf opens up like a really funny it like so they bought it from like a government like trust apparently okay and uh big trust all the neighbors were like yeah he was a strange cat like he like he worked

they think he was like cia or something like they never really saw him and my dad's reasoning is all like sound where he's like yeah like they didn't have like certain amount like you didn't have like a washer dryer or whatever like it was like for some reason he was giving me all these things that made sense and then someone else was like uh it's like yeah and they're also peepholes and i was my stepmom was like was like yeah they're also peepholes and we're like what are you what are you talking about it's just like an old log cabin that has like a few like small holes and she was like they could be used for surveillance we're like it's definitely not definitely not with that like tiny pinhole is the thing i like the idea that like the neighbors are

like yeah like we're pretty sure he was a spy and then it just cuts like footage from like the neighborhood barbecue and he's like he's like got like a magnifying glass he has the hat with two brims yeah a completely different type of walking like this um artist do you want to draft sitcoms first or let's do the other one first dr seuss books yeah okay prompt it for us did we even tell you what we're doing no i was surprised yeah all right these are dr seuss books that don't exist i've got little tim crunch and his very big lunch the waiter returned with all of tim's food tim turned to his friends and said what did i do 400 sandwiches 15 bratwurst enough to be sure timmy's stomach would burst nice that was my poem i like it um my first one is called the

book for blue boys i like it sad boys are blue those with envy are green cowards are yellow and the red boys are mean i love that in a world full of color there's so many to choose pick any color you'd like you truly can't lose that's fun thank you all right i've got the tree who had somewhere to be oh tree what did you do today my roots sprung legs and walked away see i'm not like the other trees no i've got somewhere else to be nice it's very good that one's about tree um i've got mayor for a day yep when i was mayor for a day i tried my best when i was mayor for a day i did it with zest i put soda in the fountains and everyone ate cake when i was mayor for a day everyone said i did great that's awesome thank you i love that

i've got oh boat why do you never float well i've been at the same old dock since at least five or six o'clock my other boat friends love to gloat but i never learned how to float he like has to stay at the dock i like that a lot um slakes in the lake yeah i went down to the lake and it was filled with slakes they wouldn't let me tan they would not let me bake they put rocks in my sandwich and mud in my hair they were messing with the fish the people and the bears i just like to i don't know something you invented slakes slakes are like a yeah i mean they definitely don't exist yeah i was picturing like just like a like a lochness monster type fit like they're like a yeah they just fucking

terrorize people at the lake i love that um okay i've got a horse named hal nice hal was a horse friend of mine he ate horse bread and drank horse wine till one day he tried human food now human foods all how will chew nice very good uh this is a blast so fun this is awesome i was telling mine to tanner and he was like will and you have a very like unique talent that like it like doesn't really like you stumbled into the correct job yeah um i've got the sport of gorlock gorlocks jesus gorlocks a sport and it's so much fun to play make sure you bring your gorlock pads or your shins they will pay the rules are simple but you must listen close the person with the gorlock gets points the most gorlock is a sport and you play it outside grab your gorlock paddle

and a horse you can ride there's 47 players and 37 teams meet us on the gorlock field the field of your dreams i liked the i just liked the visual of like complete chaos fucking mayhem 47 the more i wrote about it i think it's just polo with like way too many teams 47 teams and 37 players all right that's great uh i've got the most tangled cord this is about when i found a cord in my bag and i untangled it and then i realized it wasn't even the right cord i spent all that time for nothing i found a cord deep in my bag so tangled it became a drag i pulled and twisted all day long just to find the cord was wrong nice fantastic my final one if my cats were dogs if my cats were dogs they'd come play at the

park if my cats were dogs they'd trade their meows for barks if my cats were dogs they'd be nice and not mean if my cats were dogs they'd stop biting my spleen that's awesome thank you this is such a i hope this clip does well because i want to do this again yeah this is a a riot oh wait we never did teach me something oh man we got so much we got so much good i got so much fun stuff to do um do you want to start us off well yeah although i realized this is kind of an aggressive one but i i said this to you earlier actually but it was someone so in our last episode we were talking about uh words that things that need better names and you said baby oil and we were commenting on the different types of i was like yeah that's the weird it's the only one like

vegetable oil or olive oil or canola oil is just what the plant is yeah well someone commented and corrected me and so i did some research canola oil is not actually from anything called canola i was wrong it's a name that came up because the plant that it comes from has the most vulgar name i've ever seen this is like a legitimate trigger warning if you want to look up canola oil plant or just look up canola oil canola oil comes from the plant called rapeseed and that it'd be funny

if they were like this is awesome for cooking like what did you make this out of yeah like uh I don't

honestly we could probably read I don't even want to tell you I don't even think there's anything in there so that's why

they just came up with canola so that wouldn't be the word nice smart fun fact yeah

alright we're gonna do a little bit of choose your own adventure okay I'm ready do you guys

wanna hear a happy one or a sad one um happy happy shappy in and genuinely i think there's i think there's a way so this is a way that someone died that's very uncommon and i think that if there was ever someone who's going to do it again it could be one of us okay oh no in the third century bc there was this guy named chris chrisipus chrisipus uh he was chris chrisipus chris christie's like uh uh prehistoric not prehistoric greek brother in the third century bce uh chrisipus a greek stoic philosopher

um he died of laughing and and apparently what he saw i guess like it was it sounds like it was that you had to be there moment. Definitely was. He looked outside and there was a donkey eating his figs and he just lost his fucking marbles and died of laughing. Did they not normally do that?

I guess he had never seen it and it just really rubbed him. Wait, look up donkey eating figs. Maybe it's hilarious. Yeah, I just want to see how funny it is. Go to images. get rid of it help get rid of it

get rid of it I hate this so much get rid of it oh my god that could have been bad Jesus Christ do you guys want to hear do you guys want to hear

the kind of sad one you want to have the last guy alright nevermind I'll spare you can I tell you the sad one too yeah so you guys

you guys know Edgar Allan Poe right yeah the writer personally yeah um so he wrote a novel in 1838 and basically the story is a ship wrecks and these like four guys get stranded on an island um and they're like at the point of almost starving so they resort to cannibalism they eat the youngest guy named richard parker and then in 1884 a ship uh sank four crew members survived at the point of starvation they ate the youngest guy also named richard parker so they just reenacted his book

completely on accident isn't that wild it's insane yeah yeah um do you want to do sitcoms that don't exist yeah let's do it okay i've got keys to the throne all right after the british royal family finds out uh that there was like a mistake like they figure out like hundreds of years ago the wrong guy was like king and so now they had to trace like okay who would be like the rightful heir today they go and find him and he's like the town drunk and he now he goes from town drunk to king in like one day and has to deal with all the trappings of fame and like being royal that's awesome uh trick shot it's it's based on a it's like the guys it's basically like the dude perfect guys yeah but if they like just got really sick of trick shots so it's like kind of their

life day to day and they're just like forced to do these like like trick shots on the internet but they all have like way different aspirations yeah and um it's just about the it's just about the dude perfect guys oh nice that's my sitcom about the dude perfect guys that i thought of um i just think it's funny that i mean i think they lean into it but it'd be funny to like 20 years later still have to be doing yeah basketball trick shots okay my second one is uh do you think that was epic it's great the grape today lauren wow grape today lauren was in the kitchen and i walked in i go hi lauren and she just goes hi she probably drank on friday it learns probably still hungover from three weeks ago i don't it's just how i talk yeah it's ghoulish whoa

she's doing it now my my second one is um sorry i've got hollow brick school for the affluent this is one you already did so i pitched it as a school that doesn't exist but now it's a tv show got it ryan bender ryan blender way better ryan blender has been raised middle class his entire life and then on his 15th birthday his family sits him down and they tell him that it's been a tradition in their family they're actually super wealthy but they've uh in their family they raise their kids middle class so they don't turn out like assholes but on their 15th birthday they get sent to hollow brick school for the affluent and we watch ryan uh you know he goes to school now with like billionaires and foreign diplomats and just like the generally snooty

and we have to watch him deal with that interesting i like that thank you um i've got bring back soup it's a bunch a group of four buddies uh start a soup restaurant because they're convinced that the next soup boom is coming but it's taking a little bit longer and so the business is struggling and they're really going out of their way basically every episode is them trying like a new way to get soup back in vogue when was the last soup boom i want to say 70s but i'm might have been mostly matzo ball was hot yeah well matzo ball was smoking hot then but yeah i mean really the last like real real soup boom was during the great depression yeah that's because the kitchens were that was more of a stew boom yeah well yeah they had a stew boom too that's

good point actually um all right my what nothing why did you just do that i didn't do anything fuck i'm like terrified of flat last episode i i flashed the camera but lauren like accidentally cut it out thank god like he was freaking out we're in new york he's like dude like i think my balls are in this episode but i couldn't tell lauren because i was like i don't want her to go yeah like if she goes looking then yeah yeah um and then we would all get fired then we'd all get fired my next one is called the family business okay so uh you can name him what do you want to name him crunch what is his name lauren terry terry terry what's his last name lauren terry carn carn slipper terry slipper so terry slipper is the son of a dictator okay and

he wanted nothing to do with the dictatorship and so they sent him away when he was a kid he lives this normal life and then his father passes away and he has to make the decision do i step in as dictator or do i let like a guy who's just as bad as my dad go and these people will continue to suffer yeah so he becomes the first like fun dictator that sounds where he goes and he like makes the country uh he's still trust me he's still a dictator but like he gives them all this stuff and like he spreads the wealth and it's just a blast that sounds great yeah all right i've got out of dodge it's about three buddies who dodged the draft during world war four and can i ask a question yeah why how like why are we skipping the third one well it's just it

already happened okay that's fine we didn't skip it okay like most of australia is dead from it okay so you can't just skip world war three australia is it we're putting lauren to sleep yeah that i yeah you promise i promise anyway in the world war four they dodged draft because they're just like they didn't really want to go to war but then it becomes like a big war and like they're like really going after draft dodgers so it's just like buddies that are kind of on the lamb nice and then they're dealing with like the moral qualms of like their friends are dying in the war and they're like well was us draft dodging the wrong thing to do yeah and then they start a soup business in canada all right i got kelly boys elementary school pd okay jack and

will kelly are twins in the third grade and uh after like a surge of like you know elementary school crime the principal is like we need to like we need boots on the ground officers that are like you know they see eye to eye with these criminals and so the kelly boys are like busting people like selling pop rocks and like snorting pop rocks and like upper decking the toilets and shit it's just like yeah it's kind of like cops but they're kids i think that sounds like a blast thanks i've got all aboard there we go um it's sort of like you know they have those like shows about like people on like the crew of like boats and stuff yeah this one is like that but for like an amtrak train so it's like the main characters like the conductor the like guy who sells the

the snacks yeah and then the people like check the tickets and it's just kind of all the like bullshit they have to deal with every day on the train yeah and they're all like sleeping with each other yeah yeah yeah they're all sleeping with each other at the same time it's it's sick that sounds sick lauren thinks that's crazy yeah lauren thought that was wild my last one is camp androscoggin oh so uh it takes place on the river in maine the androscoggin river and basically camp is getting out of hands the counselors can't control the campers anymore and so they like do kind of like a stanford prison experiment where they're like you know what you guys think being a counselor is so easy like let's swap roles and it actually works and

they become the first camp where you send your kids there to like counsel like just older teenagers older teens and uh it's just they're getting into all types of tomfoolery sounds like a black yeah I've got heir to the throne Three brothers find out that they're 97th in line to the British throne And every episode They have to kill off another person In front of them to eventually become

The rulers of England Do they ever get caught? I'm not going to spoil episode 3 Oh great fuck I already told you what episode they get caught in They get caught in episode 3 Alright Lauren Whose personality are you stealing this week? i come back to me i'm stealing someone commented uh that they were shocked none of us stole

clementine's personality oh yeah i think i'm gonna go fucking full clementine oh she sent us a video no she did not did she actually i forgot about this an update yeah yeah the video of her friends react oh yeah it's i got it in my email let's fuck she asked and i sent her my email yeah i'm so excited about that i would have been furious if we forgot about that i know i almost forgot it it's my bad okay if you're not familiar if you didn't listen to last episode go watch the sorority like part portion of it um this is a girl clementine we asked for an update on her situation i guess she showed she confessed to a crime last episode that she had never told her friends about and then we made her play the episode for her friends and have them react i'm

so fucking she had to upload it to youtube because it was such a long video shit i'm so excited i'm so glad i remember this hi willie rusty and lauren it's your girl clementine i guess now if he got out of the bag i can tell you that my name is meg i've been a ball of guilt and anxiety all day the zines are taking the edge off let's go just cracked open a fresh bottle of liquid courage and lauren is on her way i felt sorry for the corporate as they would know that Because the sorority is a content. And calls in so much. She looked me dead in the eye and said,

Dave, it was you. What the hell? And I had a, said I was the only one. She was sure I didn't do it. Hi, guys. How are you? That's good. Immediately.

That's good. I thought that was really funny. I'm not upset with you. I'm not upset with mine. And I'm so relieved. They coming out like this is just. Chef's kiss. It's so hard.

It's perfect. Can we get a hug? Wow. Okay. We didn't ruin their friendship. All right, wait. Let's pat ourselves on the back there a little bit. Yeah, we just solved that.

That's our first solve. First solve of the, yeah, that we've gotten to see at least. That was wild. That felt great. All right. That's an awesome way to end that. Yeah. Whose personality are you still on?

Clement Hentz. Oh, I'm taking Popeye the Sailor Man, dude. Oh, have you ever seen the look up real life Popeye? Poopy? Why did it auto-correct to real life poopy play time? Did you see that? No, no, no. Go over.

Third, fourth. Yeah, third. Look how giant his fucking arms are. Oh, that's just like a guy who kind of looks like him? He's like a guy with like gigantists. Yeah, his hands are like the size of basketballs. Wow. It's kind of bad.

It's a lefty thing. You wouldn't understand. Isn't that crazy? All right, Lauren, whose personality are you stealing? I'm going to steal Ozzy's personality. Nice. Like, besides his like asshole-ish tendencies, he sounds like a go-getter. Yeah.

He's a man that can make sure it happens at any time. He's a vandal and a thief. Well, aside from those. Sounds cool. And Australians are cool. That's true. I saw a tweet one time that was like, every time I stand up, my dog gets really excited. He knows I'm a guy that can make something happen at any time.

That's awesome. Oh, wait. Also, yeah. Sorry that that girl, I don't know. Maybe we'll try to get her on next week. Yeah. Finish the story. Yeah.

All right. Love you guys. See you next week. Wait, what are they commenting? Oh, yeah. comment your favorite quote from a movie but try and make it look like a regular comment so someone who didn't listen this far is really

confused that's good that's perfect alright see you guys don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life you know the same way you can skip an ad I get it I'm Siyaya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned.

And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. Going on vacation? We're here for it. with kids who turn the backseat into a courtroom drama

over whose tablet is louder, whose charger is faster, and why watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time is a human right. Yep, we totally have vehicles to handle that because whether it's a road trip or a business trip where your flight's delayed, your phone's at 2% and your dinner is whatever is open, yep, here for that too. Enterprise, we're here for it.