Will & Rusty's Playdate - crying in the barbershop

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

The boys discuss losing your aura, living at the office, and putting mayonnaise on a donkey. Will shares the story of getting rejected from his dream school mid-haircut and his reputation as BC’s go-to guy for poorly-rolled joints. Rusty invents a car wrap that will prevent you from ever getting another parking ticket. Plus, Will Angus is summoned to talk about the social credit system in China and hear the boys draft made-up words and nicknames that you should be using for your SO. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod BUY OUR BUILDING DEPARTMENT SHIRT: https://almostfriday.shop/collections/playdate-pod/products/building-dept-longsleeve HEAD TO http://www.drinktriple.com/playdate TO GET 10% OFF THE ORIGINAL HIGH SELTZER USING CODE: PLAYDATE. 0% HANGOVER, 100% SOCIAL.  START YOUR NEW MORNING RITUAL & GET UP TO 43% OFF YOUR @MUDWTR WITH CODE PLAYDATE AT www.mudwtr.com/playdate! #mudwtrpod PICK UP SOUTHERN COMFORT WHISKEY FOR YOUR NEXT PREGAME OR WATCH PARTY. SOCO IS EASY GOING AND DOWNRIGHT DELICIOUS. https://www.southerncomfort.com/  ACCELERATOR AVAILABLE ON AMAZON. UPGRADE YOUR ENERGY HERE https://www.amazon.com/stores/page/FB06B38E-F0C2-479F-9DA5-FD4A1C852B07?channel=Playdate 00:00 Intro 03:14 Cauliflower Disasters 07:21 Will Lost his Aura 13:09 Childhood Lore 17:26 Getting Pulled Over 24:29 Rusty’s First Paycheck 28:21 Deciding our Colleges 38:29 Roadmap 41:37 Pitch Submissions 48:10 Pitches 54:29 Angus is Here! 59:28 Prank Call 01:03:17 Teach Me Something 01:11:34 This Guy Rocks 01:14:58 Words that Don’t Exist 01:21:21 Nicknames for your SO 01:24:18 Whose Personality are you Stealing? #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

as always play date is brought to you by triple the original high seltzer redefining the party landscape play date episode 85 85 aaron hernandez oh chad ochocinco chad ochocinco that's a good one that's a good one uh my hero you know one time he uh gave a ref like cash like a bribe yeah he tried to bribe a ref he got like suspended oh nice there's some insane stories of the shit he used to do he only ate mcdonald's when he was in the nfl oh kevin king too oh good catch thank you uh he slept in the facility for like two years yeah hey been there yeah do you remember that were you here for that lauren we've definitely talked about that when i lived in the office i think that was like one of my first few weeks i'm like why is this kid

sleeping at the how long did you go before someone i love the game so much i just wanted that hollywood uh how long did i go it was probably four or five days before the thing is people would walk in and be like what what the hell like i remember like max one day coming in like super early like what the hell are you doing i was like oh god i don't know like i got hammered like like my excuses had to be like i got drunk blacked out man but i the funniest part of it i remember is like going out on the weekends and like being at the brig and then like it closing and everyone's like all right we're going home i was like all right i'm heading home and i just walk across the street and go pass out in the office crazy i remember uh you even have a blanket

yeah there were some blankets but i also remember like uh talking to a girl at a bar one weekend night i was like i gotta close the deal here because i could use a bed tonight and uh i executed that's kind of messed up i don't that wasn't the only factor i wasn't like i'm gonna do this just so i can sleep in a bed it's just like she was like the worst person ever she was great in case she's somehow listening to this and knows what i'm talking about uh i lost a butt or rusty farted in lauren's seat today yeah she said i asked him to sit in my chair so I could focus the camera on me and he just rips the nastiest.

Detonated. He goes, you might not want to sit there for a second. I didn't say that. I said let it fester for a second. I had an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids last night and they are not sitting right with me. Does that make you fart? I don't think it helps.

It's like putting mayonnaise on a donkey. It's not going to help. wait for like sayings for like sayings that don't exist or whatever in the future you should start having specific themes and then you guys both have to stick to the themes that could be good or you have to like choose a certain if we run out of sayings we all are homeless yeah this all goes to shit yeah it's like putting mayonnaise on a donkey doesn't help dude i was that could actually work i was um i got home last night and was very very hungry and uh was like you know what i'll i'll get some like applegate nuggets i gotta

stop eating out so i postmates them from like the grocery store because it was like already nine o'clock and the guy comes and he like dropped the bag and then like jogged away like i didn't have like he rung the door while i was there in two seconds he was already gone and uh i looked in the bag and it's cauliflower nuggets and i was like yo hey and he was like what's up dude and i was like this isn't what i ordered and then the elevator door just closed and he left and so i called him and i was like you brought me cauliflower i asked for chicken nuggets and he was like i don't know man they said that was like a they said that was like a fair replacement because they didn't have the ones you wanted i was like what why would that be

why would that be a fair replacement this is a different they're fundamentally different no oh i feel like they could have been good i almost threw them out of principle but then i I was like, that's messed up. They used to have buffalo cauliflower at somewhere. So good. So good. Erewhon has good buffalo cauliflower. I don't go in there.

We're not like, it's not all about being seen for us like it is for you. Right. We tend to go to like Ralph's or the gutter, the sewer. Yeah. The sewer. You can catch a lot of it. We don't go to Erewhon. We go to the food pantry and tell them we need it.

And we take stuff out of the food pantry. Yeah, sorry Will and I pretend we're homeless and go to the soup kitchen for a meal because we're humble. We don't go to fucking Erewhon and get a hundred million dollar Danny DeVito smoothie like you do. Yeah, sorry we're not out getting

the Kiki Palmer acai bowl. Yeah, or something. We go to the food pantry and tell them we're homeless and take a bunch of food. Awful. Wait, speaking of... Wait. This morning...

That's a pretty good bit. like the guy looks yeah sorry what no it's it's this is just a little side story this morning i was in my room i'm like on the third floor in my building so i'm kind of high up i can see and there's an alley next to it and i saw this woman clearly she was like on something but she was she looked super young probably like around my age like beautiful person like someone i could be like friends with and like she she looked just like me she was super young and hot no just like she it was just sad like clearly this was like i don't know but she was like walking in the alley and just like laughing and like smiling herself and then i think she like saw me in her window

and waved up at me and i waved back i just like that sounds like she was having a good morning no i know it was just like i thought it was like a cute friendly moment i wanted to i don't know i just like it made me sad because she's looked very young your buffalo sorry your buffalo cauliflower thing was making me think of this when i was in college my friend morgan kleber brought over buffalo chicken or sorry buffalo cauliflower like you know they bread it and fry it so it's kind of like a buffalo nugget but it's cauliflower on the inside yeah didn't tell anyone or i didn't word didn't get to me that those weren't like wings or nuggets or something they looked just like wings or nuggets and so we're sitting there and uh she was like do you

try what i brought i was like no i'll pop over there i'll pop over and try it and i still think it's chicken and so i bit into it and if you're expecting chicken and you get like soft cauliflower like the first place my brain went was like oh this is like rotten or whatever and i threw it up like i like sprint outside and threw up off the you actually threw up like projectiled it out because it was so like like you spit it out or you vomited vomited and she she because she didn't know that i thought it was a confusion so she thought like i just hated what she made so much yeah that i threw it up and it was like i had to like really really thank god you read the label last night and puking up a storm

i lost a bunch of aura this morning oh no yeah how many aura points it was i hate like my brain sometimes oh the dude the other day sorry before i get in something this is just also hating my own brain now i was laying in bed at night like 10 30 like i should be asleep and i'm watching on facebook watch top five impractical jokers riz moments unironically i'm sitting there like like i was like i'm actually brain dead like i'm i'm like a my whole humanity is gone i'm just a little sitting there realizing what you're doing i was like what am i doing i sent it to scott i was like dude what the what the fuck am i doing he's like go to bed man i was like i'm going to bed top five riz moments it was insane this one

with salad did raise on the chick it was like why did you say all right no no no i'm sorry keep going no it's just like with salad did raise on the one this one chick it was like insane he raised her up and then and then mer goes mer is like i guess i'm the goofball this time And Q. And Q. Give him the big bearded Q. And Joe. Joe.

I don't think Joe actually had any. Joe Gatto. Joe Gatto already left the show. He left the show. Joe got Impractical Joker just three now. It just. Yeah, because Joe. And then what's Post Malone doing?

Post Malone's on it? Sometimes. Can you replace Joe? Sometimes. He's always doing side quests. Wait, what were you going to say about. How'd you lose all your aura? Oh, yeah.

so i'm biking to work i like how we're like our our brains suck yeah and then like once we get out of it it's like okay but in fact reality how many aura did you lose i was biking to work this morning along the boardwalk and uh you know i got my new pants anytime you're i'm biking i bike fast and i've had my headphones in so i feel like i'm fucking on top of the world sometimes i go no hands just to feel like it's awesome like i'm not really you know going through going through a red light like this just being like hit me kevin costner and dances with wolves no red light so i could just whip it it's fucking awesome i can and i go like that and i listen to my music kids yeah just taking kids out wait well do you ever stand up on like the middle thing

what oh you've never done that wait you've never done walking not on a bike no on a bike when you like put your feet on the middle uh metal part you've never done that the middle why would i make that while you're biking how would you do that you're like surfing on the bike kind of no what are you talking about it's just for like a second there's literally wait wait you're holding on and you just like oh oh that's so i thought you meant your hands were off yeah i thought you were just like absolutely not like you've never done that anyway so i'm doing that feeling like a million bucks and then i get then i get to the big hill right before our office where i have to gun it and there's this old guy that kind of slows down my momentum so i have to stop and start

so i i get halfway up the hill and i'm just i can't make it up i have a single speed bike i can't so i have to get off my bike halfway up the hill which is already like aura points down yep then right when i get off what the hell and i know my backpack's been open the whole time or points down they're like coins flying yeah so i get i'm like at the top of the hill i'd like zip my backpack pack up i have it over one strap and then i realized there's a car right behind me so i just hop back on the bike with one strap on the backpack really unstable because now my weight's all off so like this guy's behind me and now i'm like wobbling and then the backpack falls off hits my headphones on my phone knocks them out of my ears and so then i grab the

so now i'm holding my backpack in one hand my headphones are dragging on the ground i'm one hand on the bike trying to pedal and there's still a guy behind me i'm trying to look cool for for some reason like this point just stop and uh and then these like two pretty girls come by and i hit the curb and uh it was just it was just i lost all my aura points oh my god well i'm loaded i guess i feel like you kind of got them back by wearing those pants thank you maybe in all that i was embarrassing myself and everyone was just like damn those are fire pants i've had these pants jerry gave them to me a while ago those are very jerry yeah i guess they're jerry or joe palm yep and uh i guess they didn't fit him or something and he gave them to me and i've had

them and i've just been looking at them every day for months being like i can't pull them off but two for two on people saying i'm pulling off dude speaking of people biking oh on the way to work there was like some sort of like recreational bike race happening oh sweet on my way to work today and these guys were like they either they all had death wishes or like just didn't realize how dangerous what they were doing was like we're on uh san vicente which is pretty like busy road and these guys are like using cars to like draft and like re like you know when they get up and the bikes going like side to side because they're like stand like they were flying like trying to pass each other there's one guy's using like my car to draft and like i'm trying to like not hit

these guys and it was like what the fuck is happening right now they they would pull up right next to you at like a stoplight and like use your car to like stay clipped in and it was like what the fuck is it was making me furious bikers in i mean i'm sympathetic to the bikers as a frequent biker but when i'm in a car and they're around i get nervous well these were different these were skin tight yeah like you're right pit vipers giant calves yeah that's not hot dude we tan when i was oiled when bursting at the seams bust they're all busty when i was a kid It's actually hysterical. I finally remembered a fun,

like I love when I remember a funny story that I haven't told before on the podcast. It's always like, feels good. I, when we were a kid, when we were a kid. When we were a kid. When all of us were a kid. We found out you were a conjoined twin.

When we, well, when we were a kid. Yeah. When I was a kid in Lancaster, we were, there was some bike race they would do every year that must've been fairly competitive because like bikers would come from all over the world.

And they would have, like, sponsors and stuff. But they would, like, stay with host families. So we would host these bikers every year from, like, random-ass countries. And we had this, like, Argentinian guy. And he brought us a bunch of olive oil, I remember. Colavita was, like, the company. Anyway, we had three floors of our house. They were staying on the third floor.

And the Argentinian biker that had come from Argentina for this bike race ate shit going down our stairs. And I'm pretty sure he, like, couldn't bike. like i think we like ended his career or something how did he what was the incident we just had to see the same stairs that my dad executed the triple carry same stairs that your dog fell down different set of that was the first those were less steep stairs remember cookie remember cookie for stair fall uh yeah no these were in my bedroom they were very steep and uh yeah i would have to ask my parents the whole story because i can't really

remember it now but all i know is he he fell down the stairs that's sad well you have such interesting lore thank you like just so like so many wild things you mean like the argentinian biker that fell down my stairs yeah how's my lore you have good lore too i just feel like he has such random stories well both of you do how's my lore ass you got ass lore no but we don't know all your lore clip that you got ass lore no you don't know all my lore because i don't remember any of it oh that's because you're always drinking always drinking blackout blacked out hitting no i just had a shotgun genuinely my memory i just i don't know i don't remember many things for some reason which is like really sad i've been told i have a really awful memory

but i think when it comes to like no you haven't stories no i haven't you're making that up no one ever told me i swear someone told me i have awful memory uh that's a good monty python the i've come for an argument no you haven't yes i have no you haven't this podcast is brought to you by triple triples the original high seltzer with three milligrams of thc and just 15 to 20 calories triple offers a social buzz similar to that of your favorite heart seltzer light on calories high on life it's all natural gluten-free and again just 15 to 20 calories willie tell me what you love about triple man where where and i mean this where do i start had a few triples while watching the season premiere of survivor let me tell you that

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It will be available in Illinois, Arizona, and Ohio by the end of the year. Illinois. nationally is currently available online to get it now go to drink triple.com and use code playdate to get 10 off your order that's drink t-r-i-p-l-e.com and use code playdate for 10 off your order triple redefining the party landscape on my way to work today also the if you know that my my ex my um ex-boyfriend my ex-boyfriend my expiration what's it called on your car registration my registration is long expired it's in the the new one is in the mail but it takes like forever and uh i pulled up you know when the cops like chill in like a parking spot just like

wait for something to happen i pulled up the guy in front of me is also expired so how do you know that because i was like the cop pulled out behind us and i was like oh he's pulling out because mine is expired and then i looked and the defender in front of me was expired by longer mine's october his was july and so he's kind of behind us but there's a car in between the cop and me and the other guy yeah and so we're like hey we just need this guy to like just sit there because i don't think he can get it like i don't think he was positive that both of them were expired but he pulled out and uh we get separated by a red light and now the car behind me shifts so it's just like if he catches up to me he'll be right behind me and be able to tell that mine's expired yeah and

And just miraculously, we kept both moving one light and getting stopped, moving one light and getting stopped. And then he turned on his lights, but he was like 100 yards away. And so I just turned right and went into the parking lot. You think he was trying to pull you over? I don't know, but I wasn't going to sit around and find out. Interesting. It was a slow speed chase.

Do you ever get pulled? Do you ever get the – every time like – I always think about when cops are just trying to get to somewhere quickly, how everyone thinks they're getting pulled over. Yeah. because i've had that happen like multiple times where it's like oh fuck they got me and then it's like oh no he's going to something did i tell you when harper and i got pulled over in maine we were uh we were in booth bay and my mom got a new car but like didn't get rid of her old one

so when we when any of the kids come home we like use this old car yeah and i guess my sister had realized the inspection was um expired and instead of just like telling someone she just scraped it off so like not having an inspection is like way worse than like having an egg spot in maine they have this this like thing that goes on your windshield and it's like a different color for each month so like the cops can tell and like it's not the end of the world if you if yours is expired it just means like you have to go do it yeah but like main's pretty like rigorous too main's pretty strict about like a lot of things and like having an expired one wouldn't have been the end of the world he'd probably give you like a warning tell you to go get it fixed

scraping it off is like a real crime because it's like yeah get it it's like not only did i know it was expired i'm like actively trying to hide it yeah and so the cop we pull up with this light and he's looking at us the other way and he literally like pulled his sunglasses down to be like there's no there's no way they don't have one like i've never seen a car that doesn't have one and so he pulled us over and he was like what is it you where's your inspection and i was like i don't i don't know because i didn't know the story of where like my sister just scraped it off and didn't tell anyone and so and so i was like i don't know it's like my it's my mom's car like i don't think anyone really drives it during the year and he was like okay look there's still

like residue from where it was he was like someone took it off and i was like it wasn't me i swear to god and he was like okay that is like a legit crime he was like go he was like go home and do not drive this car again until you get it inspected but he was like you have to like tell your sister like that was not a good thing or like tell whoever did that like it was not a good thing damn we took my i had a car and we took we moved to maine you remember when i moved to maine well you i didn't know you but when we moved to maine for south carolina we took our car to get inspected to get like main plates uh registration and they were like they they were like this car is so fucked that it would take like the inspect just from moving the inspection

told us basically that we had to get like sell the car did you go to like a dmv or did you go to like a body shop went to a body shop in saco so i don't want to i don't want to oh because they want to what make money off you no i think that those people were like honest i don't want to dox anyone but we we had a couple cars running around in maine when i was a kid that had like no business being on the road like like yeah probably an unsafe amount of rust and my dad was like yeah there are there are guys that like if you pay them they'll they will be like yeah That's good. Interesting.

But then like. Isn't that like put there like credibility on the line? The thing is, is he would, they, I don't think he does it for everyone, but it's like they, my dad's done like trailers and a million cars with this guy. Yeah. And yeah, they have to sign their name on the thing. So it's like, it was inspected by like this person. And I think they had like kind of a deal that was like, if you get pulled over, like this

is a new thing. You know what I mean? like oh this just happened this happened like since yeah i guess there's no way they could prove that that problem existed when the inspection took place i guess rust was like yeah i don't understand that is that a legitimate like if your car if your car's like rusted out on the bottom yeah like my this happens in in uh maine a lot right like all yeah there's so much salt on the road that like yeah because of the snow and shit yeah so like when they salt the roads to like get the snow off it like gets on the bottom of your car like you're supposed to

get your car washed like all the time in these i'm surprised it didn't happen in chicago talking about shot town no i just what is the danger of a really rusted car like the part like the like structural integrity of the car like is like not there anymore because the metal is like like my my dad said the i had like this old 2003 jeep that i drove in high school and college and he like putts around with it in florida now and he was like yeah i don't know if i'm gonna be able to get them to like approve it next time this expires he was like if i like you can like put your finger through like some of the some of the bottom of the car yeah i feel like my cousins have talked like the just cars in maine just the turnaround you gotta get cars a lot if you're

buying like a used car like most people try and buy them from like another state yes my cousins bought one from nevada yeah flew to nevada and drove it we've done that's like all of my longest road trips were like getting cars from other places it's crazy um so that rollins was a very small school and so like and that car was so random that like it was kind of a recognizable car amongst like my friends because like no one has this like random old jeep yeah my dad still lives in that college town like during the winter and he was like at multiple at multiple like stoplights he was like some of your buddies will be like yo ah never mind does he go to college parties ever i think yeah i think he like rages face like all the time yeah oh i was telling i

was telling will this lauren but my my i i lost some aura i lost no i lost some aura oh this podcast down bad for real one of my one of my i'm having the realization that like stories that i think are cool from my time in like college are now by the time it's like a big game of telephone so like the kids that are there now the story has changed so much from like what actually happened but my my ex-girlfriend texted me and said that a kid who's now in the fraternity that i was in came up to her at the bar and was like you know you used to date jack right and she was like yeah and he was like you know he put us in like twenty thousand dollars worth of debt and she was like what how she was like he took the company they basically said we went out on the company

car or on the fraternity card and like ran up a huge tab the real story was i got my first brand deal and i went to check my bank account uh to see if i had like enough money to buy like another beer like i literally had like 12 when i went out and it had hit with the direct deposit so i rounded everyone up and we went to like a different club and like spent a lot of money on the club just a club for dancing dancing it was called dance it was called dancers and um we spent like a ton of money it was not a shrimp it's not shrimp and uh and it was i thought it was like a cool story like i get like i was giving all the new guys like you know money to throw around at the club very generous of you that's not what i would do with that money no and it was bought a

i would have bought an investment it was a mistake it was a mistake that you only make once but i remember waking up uh oh this was awful this there was this one kid it was really nice kid which is like kind of annoying sometimes like late at night and he would like fuck with you if you're drunk and he he came out and he had this like shitty grin we all woke up on the couch we were like what he was like do you guys want to know what you did last night and we were like what dude and he goes uh you guys came home you all had like a ton of money in your pockets and i came out to hang out in one of my buddies you were like stealing the money off the floor no no we still had the money from from the a lot of the money from the atm and uh and he said he came out

and a kid gave him 50 bucks to go back to bed wait what he came to hang out and was like clearly about to like ruin the vibe and someone was like just go back to bed and give him 50 bucks oh my god that's funny done a lot worse for a lot less yeah but that's now the story is that it wasn't my money yeah so the story has now become so clearly someone else defrauded the that's what we're saying fraternity and now is like conflating stories to pin it pin it on you you're an easy target you're public facing people know who you are people are going to come for you for you you're looking to come for you people been coming for me all my life come ruin my reputation it's so funny that there's like there are these like there are hundreds of these organizations that

are just run by like 19 year olds yeah there's so much money like there i've never yeah i don't know anything about that world but like when i was the president of my fraternity i like had no control over the finances because like i was just like this is gonna i have no like willpower like i will i will do this poorly were you in sorority um i was in a sorority for one semester at dayton i was an aphi at dayton and aphi at dayton shout out but then i where my aphi's at i dropped because creek life just wasn't very big there and i didn't want i had to pay for it with my own money i'm like this is a waste of money yeah yeah and yeah i had already met yeah it was like fine i was like i'm bored is there any what did you like do you reflect

fondly on dayton yes love dayton it was great it's it i don't i don't mean that no it's just it's like a funny place to go to college dayton ohio for sure i mean it's why it's like a the town of dayton ohio is like a shittle yeah there's not much going on there but the campus post-industrial campus is gorgeous like very very beautiful i i loved dayton you've been there remember the basketball i spent two weeks in dayton for the basketball tournament oh that's right yeah yeah no i mean i'm listening it was actually the only place that i visited for my college tour only place i toured and i immediately was just like i felt a connection i'm like i want to go it was between dayton and denver that was interesting well dayton's the denver of ohio they

call the denver of south east western ohio yeah no i mean listen i love southwestern ohio as much as the next guy i just well it's just like different i guess like there's so many when you're going into like picking your college yeah i was always thinking like i want to be in a city like i i want to be a big city i don't know i was like they also just gave me the most money like they were great with scholarship and like yeah i don't know i had a great experience so overall yeah it's a big school too right no it's like it's wrong it's like a 9 000 undergrad oh really oh i thought it was bigger than that no by the end of it's like same as vc yeah yeah where did you look for colleges i applied early decision to upenn that didn't work and then i applied to

like all the ivs usc you're in the usc no i did not get in the usc i got waitlisted at you chicago damn i was that's i know because i had a good essay for them i think and my common app essay was s and then i got you chicago's i got rejected from nine out of my 12 though so i didn't like actually get into any of the the only ones i got into ohio state xavier and bc but i feel like i feel like even just having those as places you applied to is crazy is crazy because they're like there was just when i sat down with my like counselor we had like a chat where it was just like there are some that we're just not gonna throw an app maybe my counselor probably could have done me a service by saying that they deluded me um no i think i actually think my essay was i

had good stats and everything i think my essay was god awful oh it was so bad mine i didn't like my common app essay it was so bad i was like could not i don't even think i wrote one it was unoriginal you definitely wrote what common app essay everyone's heard i think i got in i think i got into college in like august like before senior did you only apply to rollins i definitely found out from them first i think it was like rollins babson and bentley uh bentley oh no i got into i applied to i like applied to bama for some reason oh really yeah and michigan state i applied i was kind of in it was there were two options for if you're if you're a b student in maine you're either going to a liberal arts school or a state school yeah i mean that's like most

schools yeah no i just mean like i just mean like the a college that ends in state like you're yeah you know you can take any school you want ads like i was not applying to michigan i was applying to michigan state that's what you're saying um although in ohio ohio state's better than ohio this is true um wait what was it i wanted to go to i applied to santa clara like in california i that was my dream i always wanted to come to school in california but then that's where flan wanted to go i remember finding out i knew my parents like weren't actually gonna let me but then i ended up here anyway i wanted to go to upenn like so bad that was like my dream for all of high school and i was like how can i get in there and i did the best i could but i

remember getting my uh finding out that i didn't get in it was while i was getting a haircut and i went because it was early decision so it was before i knew from any of the other schools too uh and it was like if i got in i had to go right uh but yeah i told the barber i was like hey just you know like i'm about to find out if i got into my dream school like just want to let you know and he's like okay cool if you want to pause the haircut at any point if you get the notification or whatever just let me know and and i was like thank you he was my man he'd been cutting my hair for years and i wouldn't you just wait because i was i mean this was the biggest at this point this was the biggest news of my entire life yeah it felt like it was crazy so then the email came

and obviously and the email came and i was like hey i just got it can i check and he's like yeah so i'm there like it's just me like you know you usually like with your parents or something and just me and my barber and i was like i didn't get it i'll do a number two on the side buzz it all off i don't deserve this no you start like going crazy he gives you the worst haircut give me a mohawk you come you come home with a with a fade your parents your parents are furious because now you have a fade and you're not going to upenn i didn't i didn't know that that was your dream school like how did that i loved upenn i wanted to go so i visited i mean i love philly and i visited there and i love the campus it's just beautiful and it's got like cool like history

and like that being said once i was in college i feel like my like work ethic declined and i think an ivy would have been a lot so i don't necessarily have regrets i actually think i know the kid who took your spot at upenn the girl i beat for class president got in and i didn't and i was like she one in the end yeah t the cool like the coolest kid in the grade above me went to you pen he kind of looks like you fuck he sounds awesome luigi mangioni one of my classmate do you see he looks so cool he's sick i love that guy um you know what we call usc in my house the university of spoiled children nice bing zinger mom zinger girlfriend nice nice oh your mom with her mom and girlfriend i know flan zinger your mom's your girlfriend oh oh i'm clipping that i'm not gonna

i'm not gonna clip that clip that um yeah but yeah we usually call we like to that's just like a fun thing we like to do in my house to like bring all the girls down could we go you guys went to college for spoiled kid yet yet we go you go you went places it cost money you went place that cost money and for to spoiled kid like uh will ferrell my mom went there at the same time as him really yeah that is pretty fun yeah he was telling a really funny not to me but he was telling a very funny story that he used to go he would dress up as a janitor and go to his friends classes and pretend to be a janitor oh that's and walk in will ferrell yeah with like a bucket and be like the guy the professor be like can i help you he's like yeah did someone

throw up in here and be like no and he's like are you sure like i they sent me down here because someone threw up and he'd be like smoking a cigarette just like make his friends laugh and then he would leave that's awesome oh my god um all right should we my ferrell if will ferrell was my friend i'd be like so elf was awesome remember when you were news guy buddy the elf what's your favorite color anchorman what would you say will fairly cousin uh hi cousin will i got nothing remember me for christmas remember cousin will crumple i have been struggling with a way to make my mornings a little bit better caffeine gets me jittery sometimes can be too much i love mud water everyone out here is talking about these

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Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with Mudwater because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. Sipping on that Soco like usual. This episode is brought to you by Southern Comfort. With a one-of-a-kind blend of fruit and spices, Soco Whiskey is the original ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is easy to enjoy however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. We think SoCo can go with everything, but you be the judge. Find your comfort zone and try out a cocktail.

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Sipping on that SoCo like usual. Let's get back into the episode. Roadmap. Roadmap. roadmap it's a roadmap it's gonna tell you where we're gonna go and where we're gonna hear we're gonna go map it's the road map and who's gonna save our day that's just like it's like a fun thing we get to do around here all right we have a beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitches we're gonna hear our pitches we're gonna do the permitting division of the

building department the permitting division of the building department the permitting division of the building department build it knock it and slap it all around the building department is here in town um and then we're gonna do i hit that note and then what bark at the moon and then we're gonna do this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today and guys let us know if you're rocking with the theme songs and then we're gonna do everyone's favorite segment teach me something followed by nicknames for your significant other and words that don't exist i think this is gonna be our best did you just come up with one that's a word you can't say that

learn it's like a treat oh right google crumpet yes we know what it is we don't need to it's a thing wow i was saying no i actually have a vague understanding oh it's like an english it's a it's a spongy yeasty griddle cake get that rid of that it's too many holes i get like tryptophanophobia i think that's a fake no it's not fake all right here's the thing just because you don't i literally just got when i that's not you that's like a that's like when people are like oh i hate the word moist don't say it that's my girl like i can't prove it but you're invalidating how i feel it's true my girlfriend in high school said that she had tryptophanophobia and i remember being like that's not real it's real i well you're scared of the english muffin

no it legitimately makes my skin like it's a physical reaction interesting it makes my skin like crawl and i cannot look at it i don't know i have it to something what do you think that is that like we've evolved to be afraid of holes bugs i guess the unknown we know what's in that we just heard we know what's in the english muffin is you see spongy ball no it's spongy i don't know yeah it's it's okay actually like ruins my day dude i was on a walk the other day and i saw i saw shit on the side like yeah all right in the hands men used men like the pictures Men used to build things with their hands Now they're afraid of holes

That's why the birth rate's down Men are afraid of holes now Yeah exactly Alright let's do What are we doing first Pitchy pitchy pitchy Give me a fastball Throw me that mud ball

First pitch is from Bobby Odor That's such a strong name Bobby Odor a dollar Or something bobby odor who do you pay up what is hey bobby odor pay up hey bobby odor um what's that aroma coming off of you oh all right go what is up boom shaka and laka nice shaka boom that yeah that's good what are the two worst parts what are the two worst yeah that's good that's good

very good what are the two worst parts about making a burrito slash breakfast burrito at home uh the folding is impossible and like the for some reason you can't buy the stretchy tortillas like the only tortillas are available at the grocery store the thick ones okay the thick kind bobby odor says you always put too much stuff in it for it to be rolled up and eat normally and the tortillas are never as good as at restaurants i present to you i present to you tortilla tortilla working title simply load the machine with tortilla ingredients in one basket let your burrito filling in the other or and your burrito filling in the other let the machine take care of the rest it sensors its sensors feel out and bake a perfect size tortilla for the amount

of filling you have and then it puts the filling on the tortilla and rolls it up perfectly get the tortilla plus for it to roll it in tin foil and keep it toasty for you it's also self-cleaning keep up the good work i love burrito i love that idea that's genuine okay here's here's the thing hit me you could actually probably make that if it didn't make the tortilla that idea if you've seen like the those machines that like roll the perfect joint you put the weed in you slide the paper in imagine just putting rice beans chicken salsa go remember kajili and then you put the tortilla and the other thing and you pull down a lever and it imagine just rolling the fattest burrito sounds awesome i used to roll the worst joints oh my god i had a reputation for rolling

the worst joints but i was only one who would do it it was like anytime we got back from drinking or something in college i'd be like all right we'd like we'd smoke out on the fire escape and i would be trying to i would they would look like uh like fucked up spaghetti or something i gotta to get these pictures my friend kathleen would like clockwork be like let me see him take a picture and then like the next day be like look at the one he rolled last night trying to get trying to get girls it's so hard props to you see i i never even wanted to try because i'm like i don't it was so hard to like even be able to do it yeah that i was like i'm not gonna i don't care if it doesn't look you took one for the team yes but sometimes you'd be you'd be doing it and you'd

suck the filter you uh dude you're at the bar trying to like convince girls to come back and like dude you gotta you gotta come back to my place my friend will rolls the worst joints it's such a cool skill to have i know i never got it well it's also like if you do like a good one i feel like there's like an amount of weed that you would put in it that is like i don't i'm not gonna smoke all that so like i would they would be like really thin my uh my tolerance for weed when i was a kid was just like not totally there when i was a kid like i don't know like when i was a baby 14 to like 18 yeah and uh and i remember all my buddies were much more into weed than i was and so they would roll these like ginormous yeah king-size joints and then like not get mad

at me for like not being able to like help yeah can't do it yeah weed is awesome all right thank you, Bobby. Next one is from Will Hewick. H-U-Y-K-E. I love your first name, Will. Let me say that first and all. I love your last name. Hey, Lauren. I like his

sunglasses and his profile picture. Body? You want to like wash clothes on his washboard abs? What, you want to like pour syrup on his chest and watch it like fill in all the cracks in his abs? No, not that. Alright.

dude that was a cartoonish that that's the first one was a loony tune that was how drake farts that's the first one that the mics have ever captured like i actually i'm gonna i'm gonna bump up the volume yeah do that okay all right will says hey lauren and the aristocats business pitch of the century it smells so bad all right just go just power through what's the hardest part about planning a trip with a group bigger than three wait say it again what is the hardest part about planning a group or planning a trip with a group bigger than three beds too many people getting it car aligning everyone's interests that's right he literally says that's right willie d getting everyone to agree on a trip introducing destination it's a tinder like

app where you and the guys slash gals set up a group to help decide on where to go the group is made with a specific week so everyone already agrees on a time span you set up a profile with your non-negotiables and a filter with preferences uh for example activities price mountains beach the app will then load up different locations you can swipe through once there's a match the swipes will begin again with airbnbs in that area along with its own attributes like a potentials partners profile you like golf and beer a home could be just 10 minutes from the course and have a built-in mini bar this will make everything streamlined so these vacations can actually make it out of the group chat no need for meetings and haggling just a destination

yeah that's a great idea i love that oh yeah well i was gonna say although i think the one thing is like i think sometimes in the group you have like the planner and it's like like i don't want it i if it's like a trip like i i'm like scott i trust you i don't like planning i don't want anything to do with it i uh i agree i got the best is getting added to a trip group chat like that no one has talked about yet yeah and just being like oh this person's already like for example harper's girlfriend sent out a text with all of the details for a ski trip cash where when when you need to get there when you need to leave how much it's gonna like she like did everything and then the people who didn't want to do it just actually i think everyone wanted to do it but you

just literally it was like book this flight land here everything it's perfect done are you going that is telluride for closing weekend so fun closing closing ride closing um good pitch well thank you i love it willie do you want to do our pitches or do you want to do the permitting i want to say something first yeah if i may uh we left for we had to step out of the studio everything because we had this company-wide meeting and uh our finance guy was giving us a sort of he doesn't every week he gives us a personal finance minute right and today he was talking about high interest rates and i went on the record that i maintained a low interest rate in his speech the whole time get it yeah i get it oh wait i actually like today's i know i just

thought that would be clever i actually went up to him after and said hey i maintained a high interest rate through your whole presentation so you're fake uh correct yes i'm a chameleon tanner tanner had a funny question yeah what yeah at the end of the whole thing goes so what is stocks is that like buying a company no he was like he was like where do we where do we buy it do we go to like a company or that's what he's saying like where do i go yeah everyone's like jesus dude hey not everyone has the same level of financial literacy no you're right we we are not judging we are not judging it was just a funny question um i thought so all right what is the worst part about parking on the street uh getting a ticket yes getting a ticket lauren

you listening yeah i was gonna say like people knocking your mirror off driving by and like slashing like scratching slashing your mirror slashing your tire false it's tickets that's the worst part about it and um in la the streets are so confused the like parking rules are so confusing there's like four different signs that are like on this day it's this time whatever i get confused i get tickets all the time yep this is uh it's like a sheet thing that locks on all your wheels and covers your car and your license plate and everything and so they can't identify what car is under there they can't put a boot on it because there's uh things covering the wheels they can't even give you they can't give you a ticket because they don't know who

you are it's like a cloak of it's a cloak of invisibility that locks all your wheels no they can't put a ticket it locks all your wheels okay so they why does that have to lock all your wheels so they can't put a boot on your car oh i see what you're saying yeah so you are just you're essentially bulletproof you can park anywhere you want to park in front of fire hydrants you can park in handicapped spots you can park on the lawn if you want you could park on the fucking sidewalk of a grape you could park on top of a grape you could park yep you could uh you could park park you could park on the beach in the dunes what do you think yes i love it all right great i you know what makes me think when i was in college flex uh i had a car for one semester

and i figured out i haven't heard this when'd you have a car in college yeah i had a one semester my parents let me take the infinity and uh i had this car this is my senior year some fall semester and basically like the parking fee for a semester on campus was like thirteen hundred dollars and so i was like i can't afford that so i figured out the tickets that you would get for parking out on the street overnight if they call you were like fifteen dollars it wasn't you could park there overnight it was like they would start ticketing at like 8 a.m yeah and uh so i was like as long as i only get three tickets a week i'm only gonna spend like 500 tops wait the parking like oh you mean like the sticker to let you park on campus was that expensive yes oh i thought you

meant if you get a ticket no no no the sticker to park on campus is 1300 bucks uh and to park right by my apartment on the street it was like if i got a ticket it would be 15 bucks each time so i just i just fucking racked them up and i would just pay them as like there was an app so i just like go out to my car like pay my money and go i uh i had like a four-year beef with the parking department at like uh at our school like the security guys would come around like literally multiple times a day i'm sorry multiple times a week would like boot my car leave because i would park in the teacher parking lot none of the teachers drove it was an empty sea of spots like i wasn't taking anyone's spot and then the teachers drove like there was just

only like it's such a small school they were like at max like 20 professors on campus at each time during the day and so i'd park in it and like 50 of the time they would come and leave a ticket or boot my car and so like you'd have to call them they'd come down it was like clockwork like multiple times a week i have the guy would just be like dude stop parking here and i was like there's nowhere there's nowhere to park on on campus like you there was a lot there was a parking lot but or a parking garage but it was like it's like 50 extra yards sometimes it was like you just you just i was on your side until the end there i know well i kind of forgot about the market yourself i kind of forgot about the parking garage but it was like one semester you

know when you finish all your major requirements it's like i'm just taking yeah whatever for senior year i was taking a lot of arts classes and the arts department was surrounded surrounded the teacher parking lot it was like you just roll in there hop out throw the keys it was easy it was easy and then they boot my car we'll put a picture we'll put a picture of it right here put it and now put a picture of a grape going to college put lauren smiling here put will and i smiling put ai will and i kissing and send that to us when you make i've been getting those ads that like ever want to see what it would like to have your crush kiss you i know jesus it's like an ai thing where you can put a picture of you and your crush and it'll make a video of you guys kissing

yeah i know i was like i can't believe how all this works like the technology is insane do you remember i did like a hunt you can do like there's no like limit to how many you can do before they charge you or anything do you remember that video saw it might have just been i movie but you could make it look like rockets were like blowing something yes jerry's done it before we hit app for it we uh we did that to a girl in my spanish class in seventh grade and um i showed it to her being like look what dude look what this is it wasn't supposed to be malicious or whatever she was just like the closest person to us and uh she did not think it was funny and we had to go down to the principal's office come in angus come in come here

grant grantis what are you doing man you want to come chat oh it's like a sitcom entrance come sit down i have a bone to pick with you angus saw that i was playing words with friends a couple weeks ago and got very excited downloaded it was like we're gonna play it all the time he got very excited i want to stress that and i got excited for him because i'm a very fun guy to play and our game just ended because he hadn't played back for like a week and a half to be fair you hadn't played back for a while on the last move and so i forgot about it that's that's not true i play if you play me back i'll play back within the within the hour that didn't happen i nudged you multiple times uh i didn't

get any nudges maybe i need to turn on notifications but you definitely did not play me back within 24 hours and i was smoking you that's not true i just won the scoreboard i just won because he's never beaten me that's not true oh because we found out will was cheating i was one game that was only the game i played on my computer you know for a fact that was one game you were cheating no the game barry bonds only got caught cheating once but that doesn't mean he didn't do the rest of the games i did on my phone i did on my computer and there's a button on your computer that you click and it tells you how good your word is relative to the possible words that could be played so you can know if you're playing like the best possible word and then i realized he

didn't have that so i stopped using you had the battle pass and he didn't yeah yeah for one game you were up 274 to 220 yeah well you probably played the last move no i didn't yeah so the game started with me so that's it with an extra move on your end so i'm actually like triple smoking well what's your uh what's the okay no let's just solve it right now ever say the say the best word you can think of uh birds vertical on a double letter with the b uh bodacious and i would get 50 for i would get 50 for using all the letters and it hits a triple word and it touches seven words on the way down can i read any guy yeah can i read you know you're cooked no i just beat you it's our podcast you can't redo yours what are you drinking a cappuccino

stupid cappuccino you like that guy is that bear it's kevin king too what do you guys what have i missed so far in the pod so much we're doing our pitches you want to hear our pitches yeah okay oh you already did yours all right what's the worst part about dying uh you can't respond uh makes your parents sad you don't know what you don't know if there's an afterlife i hate that you're dying before your parents in this situation makes your brother sad heaven tracker everyone is wondering why you did it this is an app that you can check and it gives you it's like your credit score but with god they have that in china oh it's like a social credit score really yeah like you cheat in a video game your score goes down that can't be real uh i feel like i've

heard of this how would they know what am i wait how would they know uh probably because it's a second world country what do i even look up for this what is second china social credit score china i guess um factors oh yeah i could have made all that up what it's like that black mirror episode where they can like downvote you legitimately is the black mirror episode oh my god i don't know how much it actually influences someone's life there but when i read about it you know years ago it was like you could be like denied loans if your social credit scores well that's like that's like one of the extreme examples oh my gosh it says those with a low social credit score may face school

bans for their children. That's wild. They probably shouldn't be reproducing in the first place if they can't. Would you have a high or low social credit score? Probably like the lowest thing in the world. I realize I'm totally hijacking your pitch. I'm sorry. No, I mean, that was kind of it.

Except it's for God. So it's like you could be like, am I going to go to heaven? You're like, alright, I'm good. But then like if you have a bad day you could be like, oh fuck, I might be going to hell now. I mean, GPing kind of is God. if you cut someone off does it he wants to come that's his name right he wants to come on the podcast when is he in town uh he's going to comic he said he's doing yeah he's doing comic-con so whenever that is like late june or something he was just here for

the combine why didn't you have him on yeah he said he like was too worried about like making his vertical like working on his vertical or something oh okay i don't know what them yeah like his vertical no I jump I'm just surprised because he doesn't it's not really part of his

package yeah I guess I don't know you gotta do all the tests even if it's not your strong suit right well he kind of does like the intangibles

really blocks, tackles yeah stuff like that alright now we got the permitting division of the building department

wait uh bye you're in yes alright you're in so now I'm gonna call a guy and tell him

his driveway's all fucked up oh i love this segment wait do you have the thing it's not the same guy is it no they called we call it will he try calling the same guy over and over again new thing brian chauvin's lawyer i don't know if we ever said that yeah derek chauvin's lawyer apparently wow oh it was his name's bob and uh i need the town uh no i was talking to you i'm just gonna ask if you're up to anything this weekend um let's see tomorrow i'm gonna do board game night with willie and luke yeah and then tonight i think i'm gonna catch up on some sleep because um dude i i've been wearing my whoop yeah and it tracks my sleep

which is the main reason i bought it my six month sleep average is five and a half hours that's insane it's i don't understand over nine it's really bad um and so i'm really trying to focus so I'm getting more sleep this year. I can't find it. So I think I'm doing that tonight. What do you mean? It was in your DM? I'm looking.

I can't find it. I'm just working all the time. You know? Sleep is important. But Saturday, we were going to do volleyball with Billy and his gal. They canceled. We could still do it. I'm partying tonight, so I might sleep in tomorrow.

Who are you partying with? I'm going to Nick Filo's 30th at Desert Files. Oh, nice. That does sound so fun. I'm so tired, though. I know. I'm maybe I should I'm just trying to make myself do it I should probably just you know all right ready here we go such as life

I'm sorry the person you were trying to reach great what are you doing this speaking lauren no plans tonight tomorrow caitlin's having like a little girl's brunch so we're gonna go over there and then i'm babysitting tomorrow night my old neighbors where we're what kind of little girls you're so cash wait what i say where's she how does she know so many little girls little girls brunch you're one of the girls you're actually like they're gonna hang your jersey up here when you leave this company up there all right you've heard us say this before but you need to upgrade your energy to accelerator it's zero sugar it gets the metabolism going it's 100 natural caffeine

and there isn't any energy drink that tastes better if you need a sign to try it this is it my friends hit the link in the bio to get it on amazon willie and i love accelerator this morning i had one of the peach ones look ready this is my it's like the blizzard test at dairy queen yep this is my proof that i completely housed this thing throughout the episode and look how good i look right now your metabolism is going when we had our first call with accelerator they were like yeah like we think it'd be fun to work with you guys because we're on a show it's not just always for athletes and i took offense to that uh so i want the accelerator to know and for you at home to know that i've been drinking these before my runs yep because i'm an athlete

so i'm an athlete we're athletes which is why we drink accelerator that being said if you're not an athlete they're also great yeah but like it's mostly but we are athletes it's mostly for guys like us it's first big like ripped athletes like us like us like at washboard abs athlete body athlete body athlete foot we're the spitting image of guys who drink accelerator and if you want to look like will if you want to look like us and have killer athlete bodies now you know what to do seriously though go to amazon check it out we've been raving about it it's time for you to find out 100 natural caffeine 10 calories you can't get better than that let's get back into the episode oh you want to hear something insane yes so uh jerry and i can okay this might teach

me something can i do my teaching shorter room can i do teach me something so jerry and i are watching the Loyola Marymount St. Mary's basketball game last night Sam and Joe went last night yes and like Jack and Lawler and locks apparently we had a whole work crew there but Ben's brother is on the team yeah that's why we're we just were like oh we'll toss it on we end up watching the whole game and they at some point they're talking about because it's out LMU and they're talking about this guy Hank gathers there's like a statue of him outside and they said something like he died during a game and I was like I gotta look into this so I go and read this guy's wikipedia one of the most insane things i've ever read he in 1989 he led the ncaa in scoring and rebounding

which is only the second person to ever do that that's insane then he comes in first charles barkley i don't know shaquille 19 no he's part of this story though 1990 uh hank gathers is having a good season then he has this heart like issue he collapses on the court goes to the hospital they find out he has an irregular heartbeat he's on meds for it so he's taking these meds and then he starts playing really poorly when he comes back and he blames it on the meds so he's slowly weaning himself off these meds taking less and less dosage and he's playing better like in in like tandem with like the less meds he's taking the better he's playing so he's less less less and there were suspicions that maybe he wasn't even taking them all towards the

end uh one game in one of the last games he played he dropped 48 and 13 on shack against lsu which is insane that's crazy and then in the semi-finals of the conference tournament he collapses and dies on the court three feet away from him is the portland like portland college was the team they're playing their their point guard was the closest man to it eric spolstra what isn't that insane that is wait who is that he's the coach of the miami heat he's like a like a legendary nba coach dang you know i think i always think about that and like think about guys like limb bias yeah or like just guys who are like 11 and die that would have been i mean it's insane he dropped 48 points on shack and then he died a few weeks later and he

did it in front of eric spolstra like i've never even heard of that part of the story that's crazy that part isn't as crazy to me it's just so random i'm reading this one like this is already crazy and then you're like the closest player on the other random team was was eric spolstra art of the coach when shack was on the heat because that would be a weird oh i don't know probably not um len bias my dad used to tell me that uh it was the i think it was the first time he did cocaine he died all right do you want to hear about one of the craziest coincidences ever wait i have a uh no no sure i have a business pitch oh okay okay what is the worst part about podcasts nothing microphones no it's the sound compression on spotify and apple music right

you don't get the crisp quality audio you want every one of our episodes going forward comes out on vinyl i like that you like a record stereo like each guy's coming in from a different yeah how big would the record have to be i mean like it's the size of a it's an hour it's an hour and a half of both sides oh you can flip it you have to flip it there's still like that would i mean i guess they had like comedy albums but like this is yeah could you i don't know that's podcast on vinyl i mean i think mine deserves it i know that's probably eric i think that is an excellent idea thank you lauren yeah we should we should I'm full of them.

Pick our best episode and press it. Press it on vinyl would be all time. Wait, you can't take that idea because me and Liam are going to do that now. We're going to do our comedy collection of characters. Characters? Pressed on vinyl. All the characters on vinyl. All right, but throw Bumble Punch on there.

What that? That was one of my characters. Probably forgettable. Okay. Wait, what was it? It was the guitar guy. Small home, I'm doing foreskin stuff. Or throw in, ah, two, give me kiss kiss.

Yeah. Remember that one? Oh, two. Kiss, kiss. That actually is one of my favorites. Elevator needs to be going up, not down. Now give me kiss, kiss. You need to go, man.

You need to go, for real. I did one of my worst characters of all time. What was it? What was it? You want me to do it? Yeah. It's actually the worst character I've ever come up with. All right.

All right, we're on a date. You think it's going well. I don't. And I'm really bad at lying. Okay. I'll probably call for the check now. Yeah. Oh, I've been having fun.

Why don't we do one more drink? Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I would love to do another drink. Great. Same. Yeah. Hold on.

What the heck? President Trump? I'm getting drafted? No! Can my girlfriend come? Can my new girlfriend come? Okay, I'll tell her. I'm so sorry.

something came up i was good i don't think that's bad no it's bad i like but it's fun it's garbage and it's fun that's why it's fun will you tell this this is one of my favorite stories i've ever heard you tell the the delta number thing that happened to your friend oh yeah my have you heard this willy i don't know he was trying to get his uh he was on the phone with delta support yeah oh i've heard this yeah well lauren hasn't it was a character you did on the pot yeah i want to hear you listen you listen i listen he was he was doing he was on the phone with delta support and they were like okay well we just need your confirmation number or whatever so can you just read that off to us and he goes sure uh it's h as in hector um v as in virgo h as in hotel

three in as in and then he just hung up not as a bit he actually panicked that's all fine that's so funny that delta operator must have been like guys and that's what you call a pregnant pause oh all right who wants to hear the craziest coincidence of all time hit us all right in 1838 yep edgar allen poe we're all familiar i know he wrote the raven great guy uh and the pendulum yes he published the narrative uh of arthur gordon pym of nantucket okay a novel about four shipwrecked sailors who after running out of food decide to cannibalize a young cabin boy

named richard parker pretty interesting story right volunteerist tribute fast forward uh to 1884 46 years later a real ship called the mignate mignon mignonette whatever sank leaving four survivors stranded at sea starving and desperate they ended up killing and eating a young cabin boy to survive the boy's name richard parker whoa isn't that insane that is crazy well that's where they got the idea it's from his book yeah do you think they like who are we gonna eat he ate richard parker why don't we that is crazy there's like a really chubby kid but he's not named richard parker so it's not gonna work well also that's because they also there's a football team from baltimore years later and they end up calling themselves richard the raven yes

we have the new england patriots today versus the baltimore richard parker and in this story then they ate a raven to survive like if the worlds were swapped that's what i said that's really good that is actually really cool all right well uh thanks for having me you want to see how this guy rocks back to my real life now you want to see this guy this guy rocks though yeah all All right, Willie, start us off. This is Ian Capone. Oh, I know Ian Capone. I know Ian Capone.

You guys both know Ian Capone? Yeah. Dude, we Ian Capone each other all the time. I think Liam has Ian Capone'd me more than five times. This might not hit, then. You just got Ian Capone'd. Share this with all your friends to totally Ian Capone them. Oh, this guy's a goat.

You've never been Ian Capone'd? I just got Ian Capone'd the other day. That was my first Ian Capone'd. You just got Ian Capone'd? Yeah, I just got Ian Capone'd. You said you do, guys. February 28th. You're not innocent.

That was good. Is it leap year this year? No leap year. It's March tomorrow. Uh-oh. Oh, my God. I need to switch my calendar. That makes me want to puke.

Really? I have a flip calendar on my thing. All right. Lauren, pause this immediately, and I mean immediately. Well, isn't your birthday in March? It is. It's March 24th. Good memory.

Thanks. Oh, yes. We were talking about this. I'm in Aries. You're in Aries. Rising. No, no, no. Fire sign.

Yep. And what are you? let me guess a water sign virgo i don't know what the other part is jackass what is taurus earth what earth lauren i don't know i only know we don't know i only know about mine i only know about the first my mom will send me pictures of our side my mom will send me pictures of like the newspaper or whatever thing she gets like her daily horoscope yeah daily horoscope thing and she'll just be like this is so you and it'll be like the most generic thing in the world come on it's fun to it's fun to believe um all right so this is a young gentleman named jonah zane

and yeah we all know that uh we all know that pop music has kind of been in decline for a while you don't think this guy rocks i think this guy rocks no you don't and we all need a savior to save pop music so let's give it a shot lauren move aside crapple dome i'm a little too young to do taxes honey which means i got lots of money and i'll spend it all on you babe my life's not going tipsy turkey i got my loot from my neighbors and i don't gotta pay taxes and it's okay i got my loot for my neighbors well he's got a good uh voice and a good rhythm i'm just not i'm just not vibing with the lyrics and that's just my honest opinion and he's got a bright future well there's nothing there's nothing at yeah that age to write about i feel like that's

not he needs to be fitting the part i now know my name i was writing sonnets when i was 12 yeah what is it about bear yeah bears he's only 15 he's killing it but what does that he's doing great i just the lyrics weren't for me what does that mean i'm not paying taxes i'm a little too if if you don't make enough money to pay taxes you do not have a lot of money yeah well that's But he can spend it all on her. But once you make money, then you pay taxes. There's no age where you can make money and not pay taxes. Unless he runs like a lemonade stand.

No, I'm saying unless he makes less. You make under $10,000. So he has $9,000. And you spend it all on this mystery girl. Yes. It's kind of awesome, actually. Do you have someone that rocks Angus? I'm a little too young to do taxes, honey.

If you give me about 30 seconds, I can find someone. right one do words that don't exist then we can see his and then we'll do the last one yeah let's do okay teed up these are words that don't exist progresso is the is the yearning to be a pirate to be out at sea i like that oh skein is the little trash can in the woman's bathroom um you don't have one in your bathroom i do i have one i do what is it but i just so that you could identify the exact type of look it's like a little round one what's uh what do you call a men's bathroom no like in a in a public bathroom the women's stalls will have them for feminine products oh i see i see bro didn't burn ever clean bathrooms i used to no i've never been

in the women's bathroom i used to go i don't hang out what was that yeah i used to bring them out no i would like tie that i was tying the tie i used to have to clean the women's bathrooms at my barbecue place oh and they always had these little trash cans where'd you set up the gopro hey there was a kid hey always i'll tell you i'll say this a woman's room always stunk more than the men's room there was always and was messier and there was like shit on the floor the women are worse than men in bathroom there was a kid in my elementary school or middle school there was a ski trip after school yes and he got caught setting up a gopro and in the women's bathroom absolutely insane groton groton is the type of wiping where you just like literally no

matter how much you wipe there's still a mark of poop on the toilet paper yep i've got mork uh a mork is a fireplace that doesn't use real logs nice uh barundit is the feeling of panic that sets in after you uh take an edible uh triddle it's a verb and it's to rub your palms together menacingly like he's triddling he's my triddle yeah um conquer to link it is is just like a blinding feeling of hunger it's that one where yeah you can't focus on anything else i have conquered to link it and you you're so hungry you could eat a horse i've got fig that's when you write your own name in on the ballot it's a fee like sometimes i'll write myself in for like water commission or something do you

have another one no oh okay i've got shirt something that is so nasty it makes you want to puke lauren do you have one no like it yeah these are fun thanks all right did you find you this guy right yeah so i could can it be this girl rocks of course well he remember jeff probes guy can mean girl our favorite uh or our favorite one of all time billy billy did this guy's rocks he showed us a guy made out of rocks oh god all right what do you mean oh god all right that rules um coming back to that vacation staycation or medication i'm ready for all three okay so lauren just gave away the punchline oh oh great it's like I need some kind of patient like

vacation staycation medication yeah she rocks the slide at the end uh all right should we do nicknames you see this picture what it was like nice it was like me 13 years ago today oh yeah this is me 13 years ago today you're spelunking i don't know a headlamp we'll put the picture up i think i just said you were a little chunkster yeah that uniform you had a little meat on you a little meat on the bone yeah never hurt nobody put the picture right here cross-eyed like you're all wow i was wacky dude i was like you were a zany little guy i was uh quite the jokester what do you think you did right after that picture was thinking uh come to town on yourself no i didn't even go to town on myself back then i probably

made a pizza or something i just really into making pizza back then do you think we would have been friends no i think you two would have been no actually i think we might have yeah at that age i don't think the three no no no if you were that was when i was at like catholic school well if you were in um how old are you 24 okay so you i would have been a senior in high school freshman would we have would we have like hung out i didn't really hang out with many seniors but maybe i'm not really like you want me to say that we would have hung out when you were a senior i think you angus would have desperately yeah tried to give you a ride home every day after school you would have to tell him now yeah i'm suffocating to be around

do you have a parking spot near the door no okay we have to walk across both football fields to the neighborhood across the street yeah you got banned from the yeah probably out and we drive by jack's house and throw eggs in it yeah did you ever egg a house yeah no oh actually my neighbor's house in college they uh threw eggs at me one time when we had our uh had you yeah they were uh we were like we were cool with them it was just like annoying like dumb prank shit but like my like formal date was over yeah it was formal that's what it's called and like they hit her with an egg because they were throwing eggs at me and so we we the next day we drove i'm probably getting the timeline wrong but we drove to the gas station like the next day and bought all of

the eggs and we like surrounded their house we treated like vietnam dude we were like it was it was a gorilla worker and then yeah my buddy joe on his command and we just started barraging the house and it's like a 10 person house yeah hit every window every doorstep it was like you know probably like 200 eggs that's insane and then now now what that would cost a million dollars with hunk yes yeah one time my cousin joe got his window hit by egg and it was the way his window was it was just they immediately knew it was his buddy who was like a d2 baseball player pitcher like he's the only person they were like there was absolutely no way anyone could hit it from because they had to have thrown it from the beach through their yard and up yeah there's a

little laser should we do nicknames for your significant other yeah you might as well just write it out dude we're about to be done i feel like you guys are holding him hostage yeah these our new nicknames for your significant other dookie bunkle chalanka dunka that's her name on her home planet hoodie you don't even have explanations what do you say the one who breaks the cycle belki poopies ludilu cheeks frontal it's all mine you got me nope lauren do one try one lauren did not like that segment uh french oh angus wait what did you say french when i am cut that what is it me see when i'm you say it like that what i can't tell if you're joking should we cut that what did she say what'd you say how did you wait yeah well i thought you

were doing a bit wait i didn't hear it what did you say didn't you say cut that are you trying freak me out what did she say i don't want to say it again we'll cut it we'll cut it we'll cut it why you're we'll cut it wait i didn't say anything we'll talk about after we'll talk about after what did she say it's fine she said grunge i don't know what that means am i supposed to know what that means why are you like making me freak out did you actually say that it's fine it's fine it's fine we'll cut that's like i haven't heard that in like since like high school i've never heard that word in my life that's like a horrible slur from someone from south america i was thinking of the word

french and then i was like how do i change it oh okay i guess i can see how you got there oh my god yeah you're gonna be fine i've never heard of that in my life wow lauren's got the the f-pass good lord lauren oh i don't know i didn't know when i'm a grandfather i heard my grandpa say that like neither of you batted an eye i was like no no you guys are fucking with me what i mean if you if you're on the company wi-fi but if you want to google it i did google it it's not a thing go to urban dictionary bruh yeah it's it's it's brunch served at a french restaurant got your ass you got french get french oh french i can't wait to when i'm a grandfather gonna call me and my wife nipples and skid mark

what poopy and clit for me what you're you're which one are you skid mark i'm obviously skid mark you got nipples so how is it obvious you haven't seen my future wife it's gonna be oh she's got like she's mostly there she's mostly nipple she's got union oh that that was like the disease we made up hypernepolia where your nipples slowly take over your chest uh all right angus whose personality are you gonna steal this week can't believe i got french we planned that too and then he like forgot about it i didn't even remember uh whatever it actually played better that he didn't yeah it was perfect yeah come back to me because i could we planned it and you're like i'll prompt her to say a word

and then we'll say it's a slur we were gonna just make you think whatever you want and then we'll react like it's a slur and then he prompted you to do one so i was like oh i forgot about that oh here it is and then he's just like when i'm a grandpa but it worked out uh whose personality am i stealing this weekend yeah uh uh i'm gonna steal john wayne's personality because i'm going to a country bar tonight nice come back to me i am gonna steal mr rogers personality okay um my room is clean again finally and the house is clean so i'm gonna be better about taking my shoes off and putting my slippers on and then i also have to be on my best behavior this weekend oh he's meeting the parents or did you meet the parents tonight tonight he's meeting the parents

we're going to dinner so i'm going to wear a nice sweater and wear some crocs say all the right things and apparently her mom listens to play date so that's that is horrific she was like you have to stop she was like wow i think it's funny oh that would make me puke no but it was before they started dating before they started dating yeah she's been a detard she's a detard for years no like do you know i won't fall for that so she like i don't want to be i know how what you do you guys like make your guests like idiots and you fucking clip it and they look like fucking idiots i'm not falling for that i won't do it i'm not gonna do that here sorry um but yes i do know which ones she's listened to she like will listen to the ones that we made we made it we made my

girlfriend seemed like the we the stories that we've told about her they are not representative of her why are you saying we when have i told the story angus you know willie stole money from my girlfriend at the bar i believe it was your money one time i saw him rifling through lauren's purse uh because she there were like pills in her purse or something and he was yeah what were those pills is it there for anxiety do you have anxiety nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare that's angus bit that's angus bit old it's an all-time class personality you're still al pacino's in glenn gary glenn ross why because he's the machine baby actually he's not the machine more like lauren i'm gonna steal i don't remember her name but i'm stealing the babysitter's

personality from the movie the babysitter because she takes the kids on a wild adventure and i am watching children that's fun teach them wingspan i don't i don't even know wingspan you would love it yikes all birds no i don't think i would at all it's all birds rare lauren l cringe l everyone comment lauren lauren dub angus l what comment lots of lauren dub angus l if so that happens this last time i'll ever come on the podcast whoa what are you doing get birded You got berged. You berged her? Yeah.

Y'all are insane. We love you guys. Are there any rules here? No, we're off the cuff. We're off the rails. We're off the meds. We're off the meds. Well, I'll tell you this.

This weekend, whether it's a vacation, a staycation, or medication, I'm looking forward to it. All right. Thanks, guys. Have a great weekend. Love you. And then, hey, guys. Thanks for... Stay really still.

Hey, guys. Thanks for having me. I love when he does that. That's so cool. That was amazing. I don't know how he does that. All right. Love you guys.

Have a great rest of your Wednesday and a great weekend, and we will see you guys on Monday. Wow. I did it. You did it. Only because I just said the weekend thing.