Will & Rusty's Playdate - drunk on the field trip w/ Willie Simon

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/@playdatepod?sub_confirmation=1  Willie Simon: https://www.instagram.com/williesimoncomedy https://www.tiktok.com/@williesimon_ http://www.youtube.com/@williesimon https://www.williesimon.com/  GUESTS AND PAID PARTNERSHIPS: [e-mail] MERCH: https://playdatepod.shop/  SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: Next time you're stocking the bar, grab Pinnacle Vodka — great vodka at a great price. Please drink responsibly. Must be 21+ Playdate: https://www.instagram.com/playdate.pod https://www.tiktok.com/@playdatepod Willy: https://www.instagram.com/willdonnellon https://www.tiktok.com/@willydonnellon Rusty: https://www.instagram.com/featherstonerusty https://www.tiktok.com/@rustyfeatherstone Andrew: https://www.instagram.com/andrew_nelson_ SUBMIT YOUR BUSINESS PITCH HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdPHd7Ps9TaX-TOozyLhDpr9Y7pFNMP9PX7cHuLxap1R78GWg/viewform?usp=header SUBMIT YOUR AITA STORY HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdQElfqdQutn3dzl5HcZfey6YWhbVd-n6XE7FkpfosWZyYhyA/viewform?usp=sf_link 00:00 - intro 2:31 - it’s illegal to drink water 10:14 - getting suspended in Japan  19:35 - island fever 30:41 - hella prostitutes 48:57 - anyone ever call you Simon Willie 53:36 - roadmap 55:20 - pitches 1:02:22 - this guy rocks 1:08:08 - sayings that don’t exist 1:12:48 - stand up specials that don’t exist #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Not enough people know about their eye health. That's why OCT scans are included in every standard eye exam at Specsavers locations. Should have gone to Specsavers. Book an eye exam today. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. Contact your local Specsavers for details. all right play date played it we got willie simon in the building what up episode 178 my favorite number because of the your favorite athlete who wears 78 penne sewell right yeah

wow is that your favorite athlete i love penne is that right though i don't think so I think he's... Yeah, 58. Did Vince Wilfork wear a 78? Damn it. But you do like the Lions. I do love the Lions. So that's something.

So that's something good. DJ Fluker, did you get that part, though? Yeah, that was pretty good. I got DJ Fluker. I'm really proud of this poll. Sorry, I just wanted to make sure it didn't go. Oh, nice. On the Seahawks.

On the Seahawks. Oh, yeah, there it is. That's fantastic. Willie, how you doing? I'm great, dude. What's your name? Oh, can you say Willie S? oh my god this is gonna be a fucking logistical show he's donnie now no you're that was an option

when will when will moved out here i think that's why you're willie d is they were like we that can't be your name no i've been willie d since high school but wasn't wasn't max barrett trying to get you to be like don yeah some people have tried to make me donnie at various points in my life throughout the years i don't like it you're not a donnie guy yeah you don't seem like a don Yeah, I think if I was a Donnie guy, I'd have, like, a huge top hat and, like, crazy fingernails or something. Not this. Donnie's hanging out at, like, 7-Eleven. Donnie's hanging out at the Big Apple.

Yeah, Donnie's, like, a bar regular who only shows up at 1 p.m. At the Big Apple? Oh, is that that place in Maine? The Big Apple's, like, a gas station. They call it, so many people get stabbed there that they call it the Stab Apple. Okay. Why not the Big Stabble? Oh, man.

Stabbles. I gotta go back to the... What kind of gas stations you guys got in Hawaii? We got all the same ones, dude. We got Texaco. That's one that's kind of weird. Wait, are you from Hawaii?

Yeah. How did I not know that? I don't know, dude. Earlier, he was telling me a story about Hawaii and I was like, oh my God, he never,

or I like forgot that he went on a trip there or something. I felt like a bad, I was like, did he just get back? He just got back. He has a timeshare

or something like that? I don't really know. He's a Hilton timeshare. Yeah, yeah. That's what happens when you're a platinum member i'm a bond boy platinum member there's no it doesn't it's not any cheaper but they treat me really nice when i go there so yeah let's try and make a voyage over there every once in a while they only charge me for one of the drinks in my fridge in the room

it's pretty cool when you're in a state that like it's illegal to drink the tap water and you go are there bottles of water up there and they go no and you have to buy them here and they go yeah that seems are there states where it's illegal to drink the tap water you know what i meant like florida you like get like the runs really yeah yeah there's some you're not supposed i think la is definitely a place you should that's he he's got good tap water this is a hot button issue for him he does have good la i mean i've been drinking my whole life in new york i don't know dude new york has like the best in the in the world there's no way that's what i was trying he's like he says they have the most like complex filtration system but it's like you're telling

me it's cleaner than maine uh like for a city washington had a good one because like it rains all the time they have good tap water for like a city it's always fresh the best in like the world i'm telling that's like a fact you can literally yeah but it's like you're filtering out like so much i don't care how big the filtration system you gotta filter out like there's like shit like fucking bodies like i don't know there's like so much to filter in the like city bikes that are like caught in the yeah oh yeah legally safe too yeah so it is legal you were right dude legally safe feels different than than actually safe yeah it's like i can i can technically yeah me owning a gun is technically legally safe but it's not yeah just because i can do it but other people

are in danger right yeah but like you look at me you wouldn't i have a body like this and i've been drinking that shit every day for three years you don't use a brita or anything no do you use a brita i have a uh primo delivery thing whoa they send me water those are pretty bold because i saw a thing on the news it was like you can't drink tap water it's like carcinogenic in la i saw a thing where what news it was like a couple you probably get the same place it was on donald trump said it himself yeah i read it on truth social is he back on twitter now no i think he's i think he tweets like once a month because he yeah he's definitely i feel like he would be allowed back he's definitely allowed yeah yeah

Yeah, but now he's all in on Truth Social, I think. But then there's just an account that just tweets all his Truth Social posts. No, do L.A. water as carcinogenic. Just water in general. I don't think it is. I don't think water is carcinogenic. It's not universally labeled carcinogenic. It's good, man.

There are pockets. There are pockets. There are neighborhoods where it works out. Yeah, there's these temporary do not drink notices. Maybe that's what I saw. I saw a do not drink notice from my neighborhood and so I bought a water filter I put my sink on D&D

yeah I did wait what do they want you to do just fucking Karen Bass just flipped on do they give people like a credit or something to buy water you gotta give them credit

I don't know wait a sieve yeah yeah you gotta use like a potato ricer you put your water through a potato rice are you good yeah it's all the main the big chunks you guys have chunks in your water right you get like you like those big barrels of water yeah yeah i get those delivered and i have not been drinking enough dude there's so many bottles in my house it's like piling up yeah you can't be like i'm good every two weeks like right now

i have like nine bottles of water that's yeah do you have like to a machine you like pop it in yeah how much is water it's like i think it's like 30 bucks a month or something like that 20 bucks a month that feels good yeah and it's like really nice you can tap water and watch Amazon Prime

twice for that price but I don't need Amazon Prime dude twice well not my water bill my water bill for three months straight

was $800 because we didn't realize one of the toilets was leaking yeah see that's not a problem I know exactly like there's no secret

leaking going on you know what I mean it's like I'm getting this shit yeah well your toilet could still leak you don't use it

for your toilet dude I put it in my toilet he pees into the put it right in my toilet oh yeah the water you gotta be careful it fucking gets loose it's like it's like propped up there it's on iv into my toilet i don't trust any of this shit what are you even up to willie getting your toilet water delivered is so funny like is that like that's the only way it flushes

dude no big chunks oh my god the sieve thing is really funny because it's like that would mean what you're filtering out is like bigger than pasta rats are coming out yeah yeah no birds there's no worms in my water bird feathers oh my god bird arms or wings i guess just the wings of birds my waters human teeth full of the wings of birds speaking of worms i i uh saw tiktok the other day and i trust me i googled i debunked it pretty quickly which is not a thing that i've historically been very good at but he was saying if you unless you are constantly deworming yourself you probably have worms and i convinced myself for like an afternoon that i had where i probably got worms what i bet i have worms like in your body

oh you thought i mean come on they're just like in around my house yeah or like all the raw pork i eat i gotta have worms there's no yeah worms slamming raw pork like it's fucking sashimi you know what i mean is that isn't that we're going to japan that's right i'm good he's so good at making connections i think they have like chicken sashimi and pork sashimi in japan well you know what i'm i was looking at my flight it was like do you want to pick your meal for the flight the options are like things i never heard of oh mine's the mine was the western menu so it was just normal delta food oh i got the i got that wild west menu. It was all old-timey

cowboy stuff. Tumbleweed soup. The western. The western. Everyone else has the normal menu. Why am I in the wild? How did I get snake? Get snake?

Get the barbecue snake? Extra venom, right? You can figure it's rattling on the way to you. Are they killing it on the plane? Did you see her die trying to make it? Putting the tray at... You got the wild western menu.

Is the rattle the dangerous part? The big fat guy next to you is like, hey, I need you to suck out the venom. I know I'm spilling over your seat, but I need your help also. That's why I love sitting next to fat people on airplanes. That can't be true. You fall asleep on them.

Oh, you just lean into it. You just lean in it because they feel bad because they're big. So they don't want to tell you, like, hey, get off. Right. Because they're like ashamed of themselves It's kind of mean that I'm doing this

It's like a cheat code You just kind of knock out a big dude Oh my god What if they're stinky though See that's the thing They come in their best You know what I mean You don't want to be like stinky

Exactly they've been fucking like okay I'm going to shower I'm going to make sure I'm all good I'm going to fucking deodorize the folds Oh deodorize the folds Deodorize the folds Never thought about that That's one of the Stand up names

I came up with Deodorize the phones Thank god it came up Or we would not have Known what it meant You have to say that Out of context What?

Yeah what are you talking about What uh It's clutch though Fall asleep on a big guy You ever been to Japan? Yeah I went once In high school It was awesome

Do you have any advice for us? Don't get drunk In front of your teachers They're gonna suspend you From school when you get back Did that happen? me and my boy kai we fucking uh we went on this trip together um and uh the whole time we're like we're gonna get drunk in japan because it was like the legal drinking age was 19 and we were

18 at the time i'm like i bet we can get away with it and uh and we did we like would go to the store and just like buy like a thing of jack daniels and like the japanese guy was like we're like hey i'll take the jack daniels and he didn't speak english and he didn't want to like ask for an id so he's like fine and just gave us this and we'd put it into like these uh these like green tea bottles because it's kind of the same color and we thought we were fucking smooth as hell getting away with it dude we were like we watched this like kimono like uh this like fashion show and they had these like cool like japanese inspired like hip-hop beats and we're like hammered we're like in kimonos like freestyling

having a blast dude it was so fun we're like at these like temples like these sacred shinto temples just blissed out of our fucking minds dude and uh one night we get in trouble because we like woke up too late for a thing and like teacher came in and uh we're clearly we're just fucking fucked up you know we're like we're partying with like a couple girls like also on the trip i'm like not supposed to be doing that and so uh we kind of get in trouble for that but they said we're gonna get sent home if we get caught and i was like they can't afford to send us home there's no way so i think we're gonna be fine um we get to the end of the trip and we get called into like the main chaperones like room and we think it's like we can like talk ourselves

out of like this one like night that they might have caught us at and she was like we we could smell you the entire week you guys felt like fucking whiskey for a whole week here it's like the only other smell is like fish so it's like we know it's fucking whiskey but they just like let it slide until the end yeah yeah because they were like what are we gonna do yeah there's like we can't afford to send these guys home like we know saying like they like they caught us like first day but like money wise they can't afford it or like they're yeah oh it was like a school trip we had like fundraise for and like all this shit and so like there's only budget for the like the two planes like they can't like get out a third yeah yeah third fucking plane no fucking way

so we uh yeah we ended up uh getting back we got suspended but i was like it was my senior year like last quarter yeah so we just got like two weeks before like summer so we just had a longer summer break oh awesome it was it was the greatest thing ever i went to kai's house we just like fucking laughed about it for a week and a half it was great no consequences at all so that what do we what's our takeaway from that do whatever you want there's nothing there's no like all of our teachers are there oh no what that would fucking suck of this i'd really hope none of our teachers are there i'm gonna be honest i've been thinking about that yeah like if there's homework next week i'm gonna be so fucking annoyed i hate it when they do that

shit where they take on a field trip and then there's like a homework you got to do on the field trip did that happen to you i was like you go to a science museum and it's like can we just have fun and they're like you're gonna fill out the sheet yeah yeah like what was your favorite yeah yeah what's the point of even going if we're just gonna be learning locked in a packet i want to go to the earthquake room and hang out yeah i want to go to the earthquake room with a girl yeah see what happens just see if we can get next to each other and then the earthquake takes it from there she's looking at my tit shake i'm not looking at hers do you guys learn japanese for the trip uh i know chocolate milk chocolate milk yep

i there was something that's real that's racist you can no no it's real that's what it is you know japanese i took japanese before the i looked in high school and yeah like you know how to say william william wait don't you have like a joke about how it was like the most useless thing to learn yeah yeah it was not a good choice and now i forgot all of it too so anything that was useful is done there was something i used to my dad used to go to japan a lot when i was growing up for work and he like had me something there's all these videos of me when i'm a little kid Saying something like I am a no good little rascal

Or like something Like it was like The one thing I learned This is good fun But I forget what it is now So now I only know Konnichiwa That's pretty good

You gotta do the accent though You do I'm telling you I took Japanese Like I'd have this Japanese lady To be like Do the accent

And I'd be like Come on Konnichiwa Yeah Nope This feels like that bad Konnichiwa And she'd be like

Konnichiwa A it is it is one of the like one of the only languages that i feel like if you if you really commit to it there's no way it doesn't sound like you're making fun of it yeah exactly like if someone's really good at spanish and they have the spanish accent down it doesn't sound like they're making fun of it but yes yeah with correctly pronouncing japanese words sounds dicey well like imagine like you're coming to america from japan you know you want to do our accent right because it sounds like you're you know because if you come in i'm not going to do

an english word in the japanese accent because that's racist right but that's a good good catch yeah yeah i was just close yeah fucking letting it rip but the uh but you know going up and they're like that guy's fucking he's trying yeah he's legit you know what i mean like he's like he's not like if you come up and you're like they're like look at this fucking american piece of shit pretending yeah oh they all like have like a deep sort of guttural yeah well yeah well not all of them you learn maybe that maybe that is me being racist like watching mainly from from samurais though so that is why yeah yeah i only i learned japanese from kurosawa at the top of a mountain yeah next to an oak tree i'm just watching seven samurai

fucking studying have you seen that like uh that white kid that grew up in japan like he lived his whole life in japan before he moved here yeah and he's got the accent it looks like he's i think it was china yeah oh china yeah i believe we've already watched that on this podcast I think throw it on again, dude. What a... No. Okay. What...

My kind of girl in China, yeah. Singaporean white boy. Singaporean white boy. Tell me how long have you lived in Singapore? Sounds like a rapper. Nine years already. Nine years? And then before that?

Two years in China, then somehow got five years in the States. In local schools, only blonde person have to do anything. Always stand out one China same thing They call me Jingfa

Jingfa Golden hair Golden hair This is me When I was in Hawaii too I'm like Oh bruh These fucking guys

Yeah Not bad I'm the brightest kid ever Why do they talk in Hawaii Yeah it's like pigeon Really Look up like pigeon Pigeon

Hawaiian pigeon Is fucking Wait it almost sounds Like Caribbean It's like Wait say it again Didn't that almost Sound like Caribbean

Not really I guess kinda Yeah maybe It's like Pigeon it's fucking legit dude maybe the first one my my parents when they first moved to hawaii we have so many hey how's it hey can order tree plate lunch with the kind on top yeah and you can put the mac salad on the side yeah because last time the bugger wouldn't get all wet yeah you

know what my mother right she wouldn't get nuts cuz kate and thanks yeah shoots even with the subtitles i don't know yeah that that's like and that's like what people talk like yeah i don't Is that how you and your friends talked? When I go home, I slip into it, yeah. Really? So you grew up talking like that? Yeah. Like, around your house, too?

Like, not around my house. But, like, as I got older, yeah. But it's like, you know when a kid has, like, British parents and he starts to sound American? Yeah. It's kind of like, slowly over time, I, like, started to sound more like that. Because your parents aren't from Hawaii. No. Yeah.

My dad's from L.A. My mom's from Michigan. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah. But, uh, so, yeah, I'd go home. Like, when I was, like, 16, I was like, Bro, you guys are always on my fucking case, dog. kid I was like hello we made a grave grave mistake when I when I moved to the mainland

I had to stop talking like that because people were like what are you saying I have like three months first like because that's like you're like I don't even know what yeah yeah you're like where are you from what is it is this your first year speaking English but like you've also clearly spoken your whole life like you imagine if you like did a set like that This weekend Like when you go up At the comedy store It's just like

In that language I'm like what What are we talking about I should do that That would be sick I'd do like Def Jam style Hawaiian comedy

Yeah Smoke dog Buy every with your chick And she not like Fucking blow you There's like One guy from Hawaii Who's like

Yeah Yeah like this guy's great oh man did you ever get like island fever when you were living there a little bit yeah when i was younger it's like you just gotta get the fuck now i get it every time i go home really yeah you're like you gotta get like out yeah like last time i was home dude i spent there i was like 17 days or something like that for uh over the break like over christmas yeah and uh on like day nine i was getting ready to leave my buddy who i hadn't seen in like two years was it gonna be there and i was like fuck so i'm gonna extend it for him day 10 before i even got

there i was like get me the fuck out of here i gotta go and it's like i still love it like i love everybody there but now it's just like i don't know it's it's you gotta kind of have like all my friends have their lives you know what i mean yeah and now like so i go home and i'm like who wants to hang out yeah everyone's like i have a child well i feel like growing up there too like people always say like kids were just getting fistfights like every day just because they were like yeah it was like island fever oh it's like wait what that's not i don't think that's why people got into fistfights because they got fistfights because they're on an island now people just like to do stuff people got into fistfights just because they wanted to i think

i don't think it was like the island well i just you're like yeah you just like feel really cramped on this island because you're like you can't really like go like travel as much as you can in yeah like the states or the mainland so you're kind of just trapped on this island you kind of know everyone you kind of see everyone and they get like yeah and just start like throwing yeah and i mean i can see mental yeah it's like there's not really a lot to do so it's like yeah might as well get fucked up and fight people you know that's kind of what lancaster was like too actually yeah like anywhere kind of isolated it's like the same thing in like fucking like a lot of east coast towns i feel like i was kind of joking i feel like a lot of east coast town though that's

the same kind of anger yeah maybe right or just like i just gotta get drunk and fucking hit yeah like wherever liam's from yeah yeah i think hawaii is an east coast state the new england of the pacific we got a weird accent everyone's fucking angry but it's yeah wherever liam's from is like staring up at the stars and being like one of these days i'm gonna get out of this hellhole yeah dude no when i was a kid i was like that i was like get me out of here did you hate the tourists oh yeah that's a big thing yeah yeah i feel like tourism is not allowed my buddy uh i won't say his name because this is a crime but uh he used to find uh cars like rental cars on like the beach that we would go to because they're all labeled like

please roll this window up when you leave like they're like it's printed on there and so you could find them easy and he would find that he'd punch out their side mirrors just cost a bunch of money and we'd be like that's the island fever that's the island fever exactly i have island fever it's okay i'm running out 102 right now island fever is that was he like a surf guy i feel like surfers are like extremely territorial no he's like a big wine dude he was just mad they were there in general yeah interesting yeah when you're a kid you're like get off my island and then you like grow up and you're like oh we need their business but when you're a kid you don't know what that is you're trying to explain like gdp to a kid yeah yeah local economics to an angry

drunk 16 year old well actually their money comes down it trickles into our pool he's already got like four side mirrors on my fucking fish oh you would take them no he wouldn't take them He's like he caught him at the beach We're eating good tonight boys I got a Miata I caught another Nissan Sentra It started out as rage But then it like develops into like

It's for sport It's like we catch and release He breaks their mirrors off And leaves it on the roof One for me Two for them Gotta give them time to reproduce They're not in season right now

We've overfished the spot All the cards are thrown at me Fuck Someone else was here Who told them about our spot set up like trail cams it's low tide today you can get in

I've been tracking this tundra for weeks tonight's the night yeah some of them are tagged yeah they're protected ones if someone goes to hit a Prius the mustangs are endangered oh yeah that's fun yeah it was great it was a lot of fun do you guys do that back home remember punch out mirrors no because they're not welcome you used to hit mailboxes with baseball

bats right i wasn't no no that's kind of but that's like definitely where they belong there that's just destroying someone's actual property there was there yeah get out of my neighborhood i never did it um it had i think i showed him like one one video of my friend doing it no no you weren't swinging the bat but you were in the car yeah man like that's that's still i was on the team i didn't i didn't score the goal yeah yeah i'm not starting but i'm fucking instead of for moral support no it was uh it's my friend it's my friend and he was kind of our ring our ringleader we even we had a teacher one time bring him up to the front of the class and be like stop following him this is like a bad path he ended up great he turned out great but he

we went to this one mailbox and he i think the argument was like could i run could i run through a mailbox like hit it and it would would the mailbox win or would i win and he destroyed the mailbox but it like flung this way and opened up and then when it flung back it like hit him and flung all their mail onto the street and i think he was anticipating it being an empty mailbox so it was like then we felt kind of bad because it was like what if there's like a document in there that they need yeah you weren't worried about like breaking their mailbox it was more about their like what if they're like man i hope they get their bills there's a letter from a credit card company with an offer man he could have had 5 000 delta points fuck what an asshole i just got

my mail from chad because i used to live with him he still gets like shit sent he gave me this big stack it's 45 letters that are all just credit card companies trying to like sell me credit cards yeah it's insane yeah i get a lot of mail sucks now i feel like mail used to be fun yeah it used to be real people yeah exactly not you get letters you get postcards or something like that like oh like willie's now they're trying to change the definition of like what even is male yeah dude or you ever get a coupon now it's like three dollars off toilet paper i'm like that's not enough for me to care dude you know it's like one wipe i feel like my mom used to get sick coupons i pay yeah they used to be like life-changing yeah it'd be like 25 off fucking

steaks or something like that and the boy scouts used to come to your house and try to sell you popcorn now you can't even find a boy scout when you go looking for him i'll take a jehovah's witness yeah i'll take a fucking somebody at this point i want some fucking just like community yeah what happened to that trick-or-treating no one yeah who does that where do they do it there's no one in my neighborhood i had a bowl of candy on my at my apartment yeah not a single fucking is that true yeah we did actually do that i went and asked my neighbors and they're like i don't think it's gonna happen i actually did see um in like the nice neighborhoods in mid-city Yeah.

There's a bunch of kids trick-or-treating. I went to Mid-City and everyone knew you. Come on, man. Walked into that one. You teed me up on a platter. I live in Peak City. Because I'm so peak. I don't think that one works.

I went to Mid-City and they sang He's a Jolly Good Fellow about you. I went to Bunk City. I went to Your friend who doesn't get it I went to I went to Chicago Chopped in Unk City

I went to I went to Taiwan Your friend is just excited To be part of the conversation You guys should do a Drinking around mid-city video We

It's just so boring Yeah it's just I'm outside another Guy's house Alright Here we are at the The smaller Chase Bank building Nobody knows about

We should do maybe we do drinking around hawaii i think that would be a blast i'm down can you surf i'll hop in did you learn to surf i learned to surf when i was younger but i can't i'm too weak now you lost it yeah i'm out of shape i actually tried to go a couple uh like years ago and i couldn't get past the break and i watched all my friends have a good time and i was like too fat to do it it was pretty embarrassing so how long did you try before you were like probably like 40 minutes Like a long time But I was so tired by the end of it

I was like I'm just going to go back And think about my life I'll be on the beach I'll watch the towels You guys go have fun Like chilling with everyone's girlfriends So what are you guys talking about You guys

You saw that whole thing You saw me get eaten by the whitewash Just fucking Yeah I know the way for that pig They didn't used to be this big yeah yeah something's going on out there it's like a climate change fucking can't keep up we're gonna do something the ice caps are melting way too fast yeah screwing up my surf do you guys surf out here i went one time with uh this guy noah who's

like a pro surfer and he brought me to like this spot in venice and he said it was much bigger than he was anticipated it was the first time i've ever surfed and when he was bringing me out there he like finally got me out and he said like his other pro friends one of them was like oh my god we thought that guy was gonna like die if you weren't with him they were like it's way too big for him to be because they can tell from like a mile away if you've ever surfed before just based off of like how you're paddling out and like the board i was using and they were like this is if he what they've no wasn't there they were like it would have been bad but then you did a trick right no no i don't think anything i did could be classified as a

trick i got up for you tricked them into thinking that you could surf that was the trick you were telling me earlier you were turning tricks for money you i i was in some part of la a couple years ago and there were like hella prostitutes what yeah i've never seen one it was the only time i've ever seen it yeah i was kind of i remember my first real prostitute when you see him you're like whoa like that's like a real whoa it's like crazy and i was with this guy and he was hammered and he we like he like dropped behind it was a guy it was like a guy that was i only knew that night oh like a guy had met that night at this bar and we're leaving and we see him talking to this lady and uh i we

just heard what was her name she had like a chest at it no it was like a funny candy it was like over the top it was like juicy booty or something it was juicy booty hello i'm open and then he saw us looking he ran up he's like i just i was funny like she was breaking a 10 yeah but i've never seen that before it's kind of sad it is pretty great when you see like a full fishnet cool i guess yeah well can it because the cops know what they're doing that's why i can't bust them unless they like catch you in the act because it's not illegal to stand in fishnets that's true right it is illegal to bust them though fuck no it's yeah or it's illegal for them it's illegal for them to make you it's yeah yeah it's illegal for me to bust you make me wait

you know that scene in arrested development where uh henry winkler the the lawyer guy uh barry's zucker corn is that his name no it's uh is that his name no it's fucking god damn it i can't remember yeah barry zucker corn yeah i was right oh you nailed it oh wow it is he drives up and he's like blah blah blah that's what i was thinking he drives up and it's like a prostitute and he's like hey you're not one of those like crazy like man but he has a penis but it looks like a woman right yeah i remember and she's like no baby i'm the real deal and he just speeds off did i just talk about that recently or maybe maybe outside of the pod definitely not

i have uh you know that app i have that that shows me like photos from from this day on different years i had a screenshot today it's my friend colin and uh he didn't realize that if you you know you can like request to join a live stream on instagram he didn't realize that if they accept you it goes live to your followers and they can see what you're doing and it's just him and another guy watching the original person who was live it's it's just like a stripper like twerking for them and all of the comments on the air i'll pull it up all the comments are just kids kids from our college being like colin i don't think i knew if you joined someone live look at this photo it's so funny

which i send it to andrew or should i just show you guys and me you gotta blur you gotta blur colin's face but he's like smiling he's like grinning at it he's wait it's uh this is very on brand for him if you he grew up in atlanta so this is the kind of thing that he likes most people are neither born at strip clubs that's him in the bottom left corner and all the comments are just people being like murder they called him murder or like my boy you gotta stop oh my god you went live during like during this i think like people were at class like it was like the middle of the day that's actually kind of awesome

that fucking does rip miss juicy booty cannot join your life that's awesome have you guys ever been to a strip club yeah yeah yeah once yeah long time ago only once do they have them in hawaii they had them in uh i went to college in seattle they had them in seattle seattle you nice yeah that's you that's you i went to one red hawks the only one i've ever been to was in daytona it was kind of weird yeah i don't fully get the appeal co-workers i mean i guess he's one of them so i don't know if that really counts but it was us and two of our older co-workers uh yeah you just kind of get horny with your friends i don't even think i got

it wasn't a horny thing we were like all joe is we me and strider brought bought willie a lap dance and then when the lady came over we were like oh willie she's here and she just insisted that we hadn't paid her yet yeah she had already taken our money and we were like oh it's not really The funny part isn't paying in front of him. It was like, she's already ready to go. So we were just like, I guess never mind. You can have my $100. And then did any member of our party beg me to take out money for him

because his card wasn't working in the machine? No. Or maybe one of the other guys. Definitely not me. That sounds like another guy. I wasn't pleading with you to get me money so I could get grinded on. That doesn't even sound like me You know nuts

You didn't hold over the fact I didn't start crying In the strip club Because my card got declined I didn't yell at you That I already paid for yours And even though you didn't get it I still paid for you

So you have to pay for me It's trickle down economics And I said Well you paid for it So I better get it And I don't care who gives it But I better get it But we went

I was in Daytona It was actually the time We did our first ever Epcot trip And I went Two nights in a row To that same strip club Well he's like i didn't like it very much yeah also the story initially was like i went once and then it was

like i went two days i went to one strip club twice i took out a room in the back and i never no i never paid for anything i just kind of you can just be in there some people use them as like a just like a bar i mean i think i took out like 50 bucks and i like threw it on the stage but i didn't like pay i didn't get a lap dance or yeah yeah we drove down to portland when i was in college and they have a bunch of strip clubs okay yeah and they're like all like emo goth girls no dude it's like there's some of that but like it was like it's like one of the it's like the strip club capital of the west coast really it's like how atlanta is to like the south that's what portland is so like all the rappers are in atlanta and then like the like yeah all

the like grunge guys in seattle being like hosier they're all like depressed getting Yeah, they're just, like, throwing coins, buttons, and lint from their pocket. It's like fucking that baseball band. What's that called? Those guys? It's like Hobo Johnson's hanging out. I thought you loved me. I'm a stripper.

Macklemore. Speaking of Hobo Johnson, you should have seen this one outside. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. There was a fella cranking his in my alley today. I did have a lady on the boardwalk offer me a blowjob one time. Nice. Yeah. How was it?

I offered a Popeye's chicken sandwich, and she said, do you want me to suck your dick? And I was like, no. Oh, you were like, hey, I don't want this anymore. I accidentally got over-served one time, and I woke up, and I had seven Popeye's chicken sandwiches. They were still decent. I'd only been asleep for like four or five hours

So I went out to the boardwalk And I was like Oprah out there You get a Popeye's Everybody look under their tent Who wants to blow me The king has arrived You're just holding mashed potatoes Just in case of mashed potatoes

They all fall in line I said no I said as much as I would love to yeah as lovely as that sounds i'm not interested what's the gesture that counts i like that you don't have teeth yeah that's great everything else i'm sure you're gonna make some other guy tonight very happy but it's just not gonna be me yeah if you already got the popeyes though yeah so she just wanted to do it that would just sound like yeah she wasn't like i'll suck your dick for the sandwich she has the sandwich she just wanted she just wanted a piece of this ass

Who wouldn't? What if that is the bartering system they have on the boardwalk? She's like, oh, fuck. Popeye's chicken sandwich equals that. Yeah. And that just happened to be what you had. She takes a sandwich. She's like, all right, where do you want to do it?

All right, before I eat it, during, or after. What if it was a really low moment in my life? And I was like, all right, let's do it. And then she was like a cop. You'd go to jail. I would get a job. I would never I would never

be able to look at you again I don't even want to do this it was a joke I'm fucking with you I was like guys I can't record today I can't record today also I need 10 grand is that like a career

ender or is that like a career starter I think it's all about how you spin it Yeah, exactly. If you came on and just immediately owned it and you were like, yeah, I was weak. I was going to get tested right after. I was weak and she was so strong. Oh, my God. You should have seen the moon that night.

If only you could see her. The moment was perfect. I wasn't going to pass it up. Her eye was the most beautiful eye I've ever seen. When I looked her in the eye, she, that would be, I think that would be the funniest thing that could possibly happen. I got tuberculosis. I'm going to point, he's coughing, point at him.

Dude, I used to have tuberculosis. Really? I think I've maybe told this during the pod, but. You had tuberculosis? Not actually, but I had. Isn't TB like a death sentence? Yeah, I think it's like really bad. Isn't that Lungerig's disease?

Or no, that's MS. No, no, no, that's ALS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ALS. what's ms multiple sclerosis sclerosis oh my god it's al it's alcs lugeric's disease is alcs that's how they named it uh no my freshman year of college i got like a like going into bc i had to get like a skin test for tuberculosis like you ever get that where they do a they like give you a shot and then they measure the radius of like the the little bump that comes up no that's like

how you test for tuberculosis and uh it came back positive andrew just shook his head like that skin i think it's like a blood system i thought it was in the blood they've they've actually developed better tests since then so i would have avoided this yeah you're right they literally put a ruler up and they measure the radius of the this is never how your body the bump are you showing signs of tb i was gonna say yeah because i've never had this happen precautionary thing because i had been to paraguay a few times they asked about like have you been to any of these countries i was like yeah i've been to paraguay and so they did a test came back positive like third week of college and i was like what the

fuck and they're like i don't know i guess you have tuberculosis so i go to someone's been hanging out with tb tammy yeah like this slutty girl with tuberculosis shouldn't have given tb tammy that that uh sounded way too good to be true i thought it was like a nickname like the best yeah i thought it was teddy bump tammy but yeah i did uh i got chest x-rays and i had the only place they had chest x-rays was in like the football medical room so i had to walk in like third week of college into the room with all the like start like aj dylan i literally walked right by aj dylan and like they had like all i don't know there were some some stars and uh i had to take my shirt off in front of all of them and i

was like this is fucking bad we're all there none of these guys are gonna fuck me now yeah i just i knew in the moment i was mortified but i was negative but then they were like so you have latent tuberculosis which means like you don't have it but there's like a five percent chance you get it in your lifetime which is like kind of high oh my god so i had to take pills what if yeah what if you do get it is there a cure now it's just like you have to catch it early but i don't know i like that the worry going out like arthur morgan dude but i did take who's that the red dead redemption yeah oh yeah yeah um i like that your worry wasn't wasn't the football team's gonna think or your your worry was the football team's gonna think i'm like not jacked and not the

football team's gonna find out i have tuberculosis i was the football team's gonna hate me and it's like you have tuberculosis you're gonna die in three months and they saw my boobs yeah and i can never give them another fucking image of me i was like in the x-rays that'll just show the inside right it'll look like anyone else's x-ray would but anyway yeah i i don't think i have it anymore that's good i'm happy for you yeah but i had to go oh but i had to go they were like you have to take this pill once a week for the whole year and it's so important that you don't miss one or anything that you have to take it in front of the doctor so i had to walk like a mile to the doctor's office every thursday and take just show up take the pill in front of the doctor and then

leave waking up with like a girl after you went out and being like all right i'd love i'd love for you to hang out but i gotta go take my tb pill my tuberculosis how old are you yeah honestly having a specific thing like you like wake up next to a girl you're like i gotta go get tested right now so much worse i have to go to the hospital now i have to go to the doctor literally right now like she's like why i have a medieval disease i have exactly i have the bubonic plague i have what took down king arthur dethroned him yeah it was awesome oh did you ever get do you guys ever uh have an std scare yeah i've talked about this no no it's never oh i've made it out dude not fucking yeah yeah absolutely not fucking at all not have enough

sex to have an std there was no chance of it al capone like was basic they was like basically a vegetable towards the end of his life because syphilis like rotted his brain whoa they said they'd like go to his jail cell and they still set him up and like it was back when when things when you could bribe people so like he had like a nice like jail cell and they said he'd just be sitting in there just spewing nonsense and they were like all right l's l's still at it i guess but yeah syphilis like literally made his brain this is like a walnut i had uh jock itch okay i thought it was an sd what is yeah yeah isn't that just like it's just like kind of athlete's foot on your crotch you're just like sweaty you're just real sweaty like athletes like it's like

peeling no no it's just like bumps or something yeah is that what it's from no it was from shaving your pubes it's from like not shaving your pubes because like oh i've been trapped it's not from that i got it i have aids if that's the case because mine is i'm dead i have one that's longer than uh longer than my penis right now i got like a fu manchu thing going on yeah i've been i shave the top and then just the two strands go crazy long i think i'm gonna braid it like I told Paige day one that Willie Simon poops out of his penis, and she still believes it. It's a condition, and it's not cool that you brought it up. It squirts out hard.

It's called a colonostomy bag, and it's not my penis, okay? You just got one that looks like a penis? It's this giant dick-shaped colon. There's like a print in your pants. It's a huge, veiny colonoscopy bag. Colonoscopy? What is it? it's a colostomy yeah yeah i said it wrong colostomy bag colonoscopy bag sounds horrible yeah i got my i got my colonoscopy bag that's what the doctor says after he makes a bunch of

money on me after a colonoscopy honey got that colonoscopy bag no you're due no it's 40 you're supposed to i just turned 30 supposed to what but i do i should get one though just in case colonoscopy yeah is that with the camera or the finger the finger what's the camera one that's a That's fucking premium, brother. You got to pay for that. That's a poopy... That's behind the paywall. That's a little poopy investigation.

Should we all go get them? Or we don't need to. I'm down. Do a colonoscopy month after Japan month. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so... Drinking at the colonoscopy.

They're feeling for, like, bumps or, like, tumors, right? Allegedly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Polyps. I've never felt anything, so I feel like I'm fine. I'm always up there, too. Gotta live up there. You've never felt anything in mine or yours?

Either. Okay, good, good. That's good. That's... Anyone ever call you Simon Willie? Because it's like two first names. Nice question, man. Is that a gotcha?

No. Also, Willie isn't a last name, though. It doesn't really work. Yeah, it did. Come at the king? You come on the king, you best not miss. You better not miss. Come on the king, you better get at my eyes.

Damn right. Should we road map it? If you're going to come on The King, you better not waste it. If you're going to come on The King, you better get up and clean me up quickly because I got stuff to do. If you're going to come on The King, just don't get it in my hair. Billie Jean. I tried to show my girlfriend Family Guy last night and Stewie had a... She's never seen Family Guy?

She refuses to watch it. Wow. Was Stewie on a heater? Wait, let me guess. He was like, oh, Brian. Brian, Brian, Brian. it was like the fairy tale episode and he had a uh a if you're it was it was a joke that made me laugh so hard i i rewinded it and make made her watch it it's peter um suzy runs in and they're

arguing over if if the baby likes quagmire peter more suzy joe's baby oh and uh and peter's like she loves me most i'm gonna give her a raspberry and then the camera cuts away just as like raspberry noise is happening and they go peter that's not where you do a raspberry and i showed that to flan it was the wrong entry level she's she's not interested in watching it anymore cool this is why i avoided this oh my friend julia was on impractical jokers last night oh yeah i did watch it she got practical joke she got practical joker she she was at a bar and they made her pretend to be Sal's girlfriend

and then the mom has to come and it was very funny he goes up to her and like hey I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend because my mom's coming or whatever and so she was like okay and she said that she knew who they were but was like if I

be like I know who it is then I can't get on the show so she just went along with it for like 15 minutes yeah should we road map it up? yeah all right guys this episode is brought to you by pinnacle vodka willie what's your guilty pleasure drink pinnacle vodka what is your go-to drink for the beach pinnacle vodka rate your bartending skills pinnacle vodka out of 10 i'm okay i know i joke around and i say things like

pinnacle vodka right and it's it's like just feeding hilarious just feeding laughs to you guys because you are you are desperate for them uh this stuff is actually so good i had i was unfamiliar with this until we started working with them pinnacle whipped vodka oh my god gas it is the best i just like taking like a shot of it yeah it's it's the best vodka uh and it's you can get it at a good price too it's affordable it's the pinnacle of value vodka okay from the beginning pinnacle vodka has sought to do two things make high quality vodka and offer that award-winning vodka at a reasonable price and it's made in the usa now this i got yes usa made in the usa proudly producing america supporting american jobs and delivering american quality so

next time you are stuck in the bar grab pinnacle vodka great vodka at a great price and also please drink responsibly you must be 21 plus all right we have a beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitch followed by our pitches then we're gonna do i don't have a pitch do you uh i do but it's stupid all right you want to just just do we need their pitches am i the asshole and then their drafts yep do you know about that you've never been on our podcast have you no it's my first time so we get pitches submitted to us we're the sharks okay so think shark tank oh like okay shark tank okay yes and i'm usually we're the sharks you're like got it like white tip reef shark yeah that's fine wait is this your first podcast appearance

like ever on this one yeah on this one but yeah podcast in general yeah i've done other podcasts yeah yeah i thought we like took your podcast i think you just did almost friday two days ago yeah yeah i did the almost friday one and then i had a podcast that uh for like two years that nobody watched. You had your own podcast? Yeah. Oh, really? Was it just you?

No, it was me and my buddy Eric Friedman. It was called Two Dumb Babies. We used to animate it. It was a lot of work. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was fun. One time we did,

it was like six days of animation, and then we posted it, and we watched a bunch of news. It was like a daily show kind of thing, and it got 400 views, and we were like, let's just do this live. Yeah.

The risk to reward when you're animating, you're just like, oh. Animating live is hard, though. No, we weren't, like, doing it live. I know. He said, let's just do this live. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Waved. No, I meant, like, in person. There's a guy in the back room, like, drawing caricatures, like, oh, my God, they're talking way too fucking fast. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. All right. I'll be... Which shark do you want to be?

I'll be Randy. I want to be the bald guy. Mr. Wonderful. Okay. Damon. Hey, Tyler, Perry, and Madea. Madea, you know my big mama is. I'm Perry.

Wait, did you say you're Perry? It's fine. I'll be Tyler. It's fine. Sorry. It's fine, dude. Sorry. Okay, I'll be Ann.

Owen here, and boy, do I have a pitch for you. What's the worst part about getting too hot? Hurt. It stinks. I eat all my snacks. You start to think about everything you've ever done wrong in your entire life while you're trying to play Ghost of Yotei? Ring.

It reeks. Oh, yeah. No, it reeks. It does reek. That's right. it hurts also you can't think of anything to say when you're usual killer and when you're usually killer and worst case you might send your girlfriend home in an uber without saying anything like a freak wait what that's a reference to what i did to lauren oh one of the very first

times we like hung out like we went to this party together and i got too high and i just got her an uber home and didn't talk right i got us an uber and just added a stop at at her place and then i didn't say anything all right goodbye forever and we're still together that's great yeah okay so that was when she knew he's the one to solve this i've invented grass resistant the helpful bluetooth device goes right in your ear and gives you a funny joke you thought of earlier or a cool story with all the words in the right order every five to ten minutes so you don't have to just sit there wondering when everyone started hating you and worrying that they might actually act on it soon say goodbye to blunt ends to your good times and

hello to more joint conversations with your buddies nice please give me money i spent mine yes big thanks to will you got me into running your little glow up so now i'm training for a marathon w wow good luck on your marathon kind of kiss an ass in the end yeah that's a great pitch that is a really great pitch wow wait so it feeds you great pitch it feeds you like stories and stuff yeah i like this idea yeah i had to stop smoking because when i got into the comedy store i was like finally there and then i'd like be in a big circle with like all my friends and i'd take a hit of a joint and i'd be like all right see you guys later and i'd go home i my concern with this is if i get high i don't think a voice talking in my ear is gonna make me any less

scared that is true yeah yeah and it comes out of nowhere too does it like oh maybe if it warns you before but it's like just i don't know where you're like almost about to say something it's like remember the thing you said fucking 20 minutes ago like oh fuck yeah it was weird yeah yeah maybe just a quick like tell the tell the ice cream truck story yeah yeah okay yeah that is a good one yeah that's not bad how big is this thing you got to wear on your ear though it's like 100 pounds like a huge 50 pounds the lightest they could make it well there is an actual guy in there like it's just big enough like it's hurting he's literally just speaking directly into your ear oh all right should we do am i the asshole yeah also i wait do we give him

money yeah i think that this person needs money probably for like a business or something business for his money yeah that works i'll give you a bit yeah that would do all right am i the asshole all right hey guys i need help girlfriend went out with her co-workers and i couldn't make it her boss was there and he blatantly has a crush on her and offered to buy her a drink am i the asshole for getting upset that she took the drink i didn't get mean about it just expressed that it made me sad which made her mad we haven't been dating very long but still hurt any advice is appreciated appreciated should i be okay with her accepting drinks from other guys i think other guys no but if your boss offers you a drink and you're like no thanks i have a boyfriend then that

would make it even weirder yeah so i think you can make an exception for bosses i also think a drink is harmless yeah it's not like anything fucking was more than that like what do you put in the drink i guess first of all but uh yeah drinks can be not harmless drinking is uh the the poison that's killing this country but uh really yeah yeah i've i've heard that sometimes but um no i don't think that's that bad it's you know she's networking she also it's like but i've gone to bars with my girlfriend where she's like gotten there first and then she's like i got like two free drinks from some guy yeah i'm like fuck yeah yeah sick i don't have to buy you two of these drinks yeah fucking that's sick as long as as long as she's not hooking up with the guy that

gets her a drink yeah i think it's like if you were if you're there and another guy comes and offers her a drink then maybe that's a different yeah you're like if she like pats him down the back and is like yes baby i want to drink like that would probably right yeah yeah yeah if she like gets on her knees and begs like i'm yes baby so so thirsty get me a drink that would be weird yeah okay all right so yeah i but i do understand if the boss has a crush on her how that is weird it also seems like maybe the reaction to like if you weren't that upset and you're just like oh that's a bummer that she shouldn't be mad at you either yeah on the flip side like she'd be like oh i'm sorry i didn't yeah like if that happened i'd be like oh i didn't realize that would be an

issue i'll tell you i don't think you're an asshole i do think you're kind of being a pussy yeah yeah yeah i agree be confident yeah yeah be like it's fine you know yeah she didn't do anything she just bought a she had a drink with a boss yeah she also told him he wasn't there so she clearly told him yeah my boss got me a drink so she's she's an honest person yeah that's nice I mean, he's transparent. Did he say that? Yeah, he's transparent. If there was anything nefarious happening, she wouldn't have pulled it.

So it's a straight couple again, but they're both sweet. Yeah. Yeah, I think if you cared anything about her, you'd want her career to skyrocket. Right. So take those drinks. Do a fucking rail in the bathroom with him. I would say, yeah. Like, do a line.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe blow down to them. Have you tried? Has she tried blowing down to them anymore? Yeah. They didn't say. Overall, I would say it seems like not a big deal. Yeah.

so whatever the conclusion is like don't let it be like a big deal i also think you did the right thing by telling her it made you sad sure you kept yeah you gotta be honest then then down the line there's gonna be a future blow up she was honest with you you were honest with her uh and i think maybe you try and make try and make it to the next one so that the boss isn't if the boss buys her drink he has to buy you one too yes i also think like if you're not dating that long then it's like almost like if you're dating for like a long time and she's like taking drinks from random dudes that's like a little ruder you know but it's like if it's a new thing right yeah that's not as bad to me yeah you're allowed to cheat in the early stages of

relationships yeah yeah like you have like a six month buffer you can right yeah first and last six months so it's like yeah the six months leading up to your wedding you can also do that when it's kind of that middle chunk where you gotta yeah yeah exactly here's my guy that rocks this week i don't remember what i put down so i will be learning in real time with you guys if i ever you know make enough money to to retire and move wherever i'd like i want to i want to get a group of guys together and do what these guys do so for the audio listeners it's a guy uh pulled over on the side of the road there's a cop car parked about 50 yards behind him at a stop sign watching him, and we're going to see what

happens. Film it, film it. Oh my god. Breaking the law, breaking the law. Breaking the law, breaking the law. Breaking the law, breaking the law.

Is this the Wallace Sound guy? I don't know. Where do you even get a school bus to put your band on? Also, it looks like the cop is letting them do this. I'm going to need backup in an ambulance. These guys are too sick. It's kind of awesome.

That was great. Badass. Everybody's cool in that. Is that legal? What? Is that legal? Illegal? Legal.

I would say no. Probably not. Not anymore, I don't think. But I bet the speed, like it looks like they're in such a rural place and they were going slow enough. Yeah, that's kind of fun. That's fine. Do that on the 10.

do that on the way home yeah if you're out of the tent you might be going even slower come on LA traffic come on

am I right oh my god speaking of LA what were you going to say sorry you can go yeah it wasn't about traffic

yeah well this is really sad we went I was stuck in traffic we had to go to get this thing off Facebook Marketplace my girlfriend was

buying a painting and the guy what was the painting of I don't know I didn't look but it was that in a mirror and she was uh the guy who was like selling them clearly was like very excited about these pieces and was like it was a big moment for him to like give them away and he was trying to get paid on zell and so she was setting that up and so her attention wasn't

really on him and he went to go into this like speech that i think he had clearly prepared about like giving away this art and it was so sad he went to be like uh you know i hope these this painting you know brings you a lot of joy and just right as he's in the middle of his thing she's still trying to set up zell because she thought she was going to venmo him and she was like oh my god i cannot figure this out and the guy just never went back to the speech and i told her in the car and i regretted telling her because it made her so sad why didn't you like listen i was like off handling another thing got it yeah i definitely could have listened but she also just caught it like yeah yeah so what you think it was you didn't look at the painting no well i pulled

up because now i'm curious what yeah yeah right because he was like i hope it brings you a lot of joy it's clearly a personal thing for him i think it was like a print but it was like a printer princess i don't think he sorry i think the way i phrase it made it seem like it was his art i think he was just like it meant a lot to him yeah and then he was like giving it away this i hope this 40 print gives you a lot of joy um what were you gonna say willie know that tomorrow i'm gonna run from west hollywood back home and it's gonna be kind of an adventure wait what after the thing no in the morning oh i'm staying lauren's staying west hollywood i'm gonna stay with her tonight and then i'm gonna i don't scott's taking my car to mammoth so i was like

i don't know how the hell i'm gonna get home uber right if you want to get the right i have to do a long run anyway gosh uber is gonna be expensive so i'm gonna try to run so i don't know it'll be kind of a fun little adventure it's gonna be sick was it like 10 miles yeah is that like is there like a good place to do that that's not like busy that's what i'm like i don't really know yeah i don't think so it's gonna be kind of weird but it'll be an adventure yeah yeah you can make get to like the like to venice then run down or something like that yeah maybe just take the 10 yeah just get them up on the 10 you'll be moving faster than i would be on the 10 yes that is why we bring you on this podcast am i right that is the willie simon touch

i've heard all about the willie a little bit of razzle dazzle it's good to feel the willie it's showtime i love the touch uh i love christmas do you guys want to do teach me something or should we just do our drafts I don't have one, but if you have something. Do you know why the handshake was invented? Why? People are horny. It was, so if you and I are shaking hands and we hold like this,

it was supposed to expose any, like, hidden daggers in your arm, and then they would shake to dislodge anything. I keep hearing stuff like that where it's like, I don't know if that shit's true, though. That seems like something they made up, like, 100 years ago or, like, fucking 50 years ago to, like, talk about. because i heard like the cheers thing was where you're supposed to get drinking in each other's drinks yes you know because it means it's not poisoned or like you always have your uh you don't you want to hold a weapon doesn't really make sense

because it's like if i knew we're gonna do a handshake i'll just put my dagger on my left hand left arm see if i was gonna stab someone i would hope they want to handshake me because i can be like fucking yeah yeah i can stab them right there yeah yeah um all right willie you're the guest would you like to start with um sayings that don't exist or names for stand-up specials that don't exist i got i got uh i got both which one do you want to do yeah which one do you want to do first let's do let's do the sayings that don't exist these are more sayings that don't exist okay here's this one it's uh 10 in the hand is worth a hundred in the bush it's the same thing as one in the hand is two in the booth but it's times by 10 oh so it's like a lot more it's a lot

more yeah yeah i like that or no i guess i guess it would be i think 10 in the hand is 20 in the bush i guess i screwed that up yep 10 in the hand is worth 20 in the bush that's what i meant to say yeah got it okay so it's the exact same thing as the original saying but it's just 10 times more yeah that makes sense i like that for a larger well yeah it also it gives it gives it a little bit more gravity imagining 10 of 10 birds in one bush yep yeah insane exactly uh turning the page won't change the story you can pretend like something didn't happen but even if you move past it that doesn't change the fact that it happened that's great i like that one yeah uh sometimes the shit ain't worth the stink sometimes the like my dad has said that i think that is a

i don't think it is right didn't we look it up but explain explain the difference because there is an important distinction yeah it means that the negative effects of something sometimes make it not worth doing yeah so it's some people would compare to like the juice ain't worth the squeezing but that's like you're not going to get enough out of it to make it worth it this is like sure the negative consequences make the thing not worth doing it's like hooking up with like a friend's girlfriend or something you're like she might be hot but the but the shit ain't worth the shit ain't worth the snake yeah yeah yeah i like that okay i have her ex-girlfriend i don't know why i said girlfriend right no no you you said what you meant um i know i got my eyes on you

cool don't bring my girlfriend this one is can't win the race with the e-brake on that means you know you could be doing you could be in the race but you're doing things that are going to hold you back you gotta let those things go

I like that a lot sing into an empty theater it's when someone has maybe like not it's when someone's still talking when the group has kind of like already moved on or still talking about a story and everyone's not really interested in what they have to say anymore no okay uh willie didn't i like that no i like that yeah yeah yeah you got one more right

you have back you have backups yeah like dub over it we can adr it i liked i thought it was good uh can't stop traffic to tie your shoe all right you can't assume that the whole world's gonna revolve around you you know if you need time to make some small decision just do it get on with it don't try to hold everyone else up with your that's fantastic i like that one that's good this one um i didn't know how serious these were gonna be so this one is uh it's killing two birds with a machine gun that's where you know you know you want to kill two birds with one stone right that means you got it all knocked down you killed two birds but you had a machine gun you didn't get a lot really done that's not that many birds that's not that many birds

with a machine gun you know that's like pretty bad you should probably be killing a lot more than two birds yeah so it's kind of like a waste of your effort yeah in this case i agree okay uh you can't coast down the hill until you've peddled up it to enjoy the benefits of an easy life you first must endure some hardships to get there that's great that's a great one yeah uh seeing smoke and assuming it's the pope this is uh something you would say describe your like a buddy who is has such a good outlook on life that it's sometimes concerning yeah like he's like doesn't realize a fire is happening kind of thing you know right too you need to be a little bit grounded in reality you're a little too positive yeah yeah pope's still alive

dude yeah they're not picking a new one i like that yeah that's good stuff i've got another one to lighten a candle before you leave reckless just reckless that would seem more like advice what like that the way the like the saying is good but then you immediately did like the explanation it just sounded like advice someone would give you like lighting a candle before you leave now that is reckless yeah but it's also it's kind of like sometimes you light a candle before you leave you come back the place smells good yeah is is it worth the risk the risk yeah Hey, sometimes you got to light a candle after you poop. It doesn't mean your shit's going to catch on fire.

Damn right, brother. Damn right, brother. Should we do names for stand-up specials that don't exist? Yeah. I got some good ones for this. These are stand-up specials that don't exist. Okay, so here, this is my first special. Willie Simon, 300 Things Israel Did Right.

That's great. I got Hot for Preacher. it's about it's like mostly christian based comedy okay i like that i've got laugh your cunt off shock value is hot right now yeah that's good i think that's fine it's not going on fucking mbc brother it's a good word if you're like cunt yeah it's a it's a australian term Laugh your cunt off. Laugh your cunt off.

Okay, here's Drunk Driving, live. That's good. That one is kind of fun. And I'm just drunk driving. Yep. Okay, I think this one's also Christian-based comedy, Altered State. I like that. It's like a priest, and he's doing comedy.

That's fun. At the altar. Pussies beware. that one's like a tough guy yeah yeah this one uh poop cup it's good it's like and then it's referenced in the special itself yeah i don't i don't have to joke but yeah you gotta finish the special um okay so you guys didn't totally like the last christian one this one uh pew that was close why are they all are you going like through a christian thing it's yeah so it's mainly he talks about god he talks about his experience in the church and things like that pew that was close

Okay I also had honorable mention Oh no where Willie I have joke fucked Get ready to get joke fucked Will Denon joke fucked That was fun Get ready to get joke fucked by Will Denon Will Denon's joke fucked

Will Denon's joke fucked That's what I was saying joke fucked I like that That was actually my honorable mention Beat you to it This one's mine It's Richard Pryor's special that n-word's crazy but it's me willie simon that n-word's crazy

that would go nuts i had a couple more just in case you guys want to hear them uh bless you are they all christian stained glass and they are why are they all christian splitting prayers prayer of the dog uh dry bar special beauty and the priest um crucifix yourself a drink were these these sound less like stand-up specials the further you get down topic wrong no sounds like catholic cocktails that don't exist crucifix yourself a drink i didn't misunderstand the prompt and only do catholic stuff does he think stand-up is catholic no conan i think is catholic yeah i only i only listened to comics who were like all about god

all about god oh all right father the son and the holy spirits you got that's the that's the catholic cocktail you're you got some stand-up dates coming up yeah when's this coming out again the right after the the weekend that you wanted to come on to promote okay cool i think let me see Out on Monday the 25th I believe 26th Mostly in LA Come see me at the comedy store Almost every weekend

Friday, Saturdays usually And then sometimes often during the week I think the next date I have after that I'm going to be in Manteca, California City of dreams The Stockton of Stockton On March 20th and 21st

get tickets at deafpuppycomedyclub.com I will be there the only I'll tell you guys this if you haven't seen Willie yet you gotta go

the only time I ever saw Willie do stand up I met A$AP Rocky yeah oh my god A$AP Rocky he came for me and Rihanna

did you actually like perform in front of them yeah A$AP I heard laughing I heard Rihanna was not happy to be there for the entire night it was definitely

A$AP's idea to come did like someone at work there be like say that she wasn't having a good time yeah for like the whole show willie brought us to like they have like a bar like a secret bar kind of thing i can say that yeah yeah it's not that secret is it let it let it rip dude

and he took us there and the bartender was like i just made rihanna a margarita he's like freaking out i know when you came it was like time to find out who's more famous willie d or rihanna rihanna margarita sounds like one of your uh like when when we're at the tail end of a prompt yep i really rihanna margarita yeah i want oh i oh yeah isn't rihanna pregnant yes she is how is she drinking wow wait is she pregnant damn is she pregnant makes you go i mean asap That's what A$AP told me After my set Hey

He's like You know Rihanna's pregnant Hey great set My wife's pregnant I'm like Man I know it Wait is she pregnant I think so yeah

Maybe she I thought he Maybe it was that night She got pregnant Had a couple Have a couple Comedy store margaritas Little Willie Simon

You're gonna get it You're gonna fucking wanna fuck It was so good They went home And made a movie You had like Her like wet It's like I had fucking

Oh lord William I'm like a dozen oysters get you going oh yeah that would be like willie simon live aphrodisiac you know you're gonna fuck if he takes you to willie simon she's not pregnant no she's not

it's like how people say after the third date like you get laid it's like if he ever takes you to willie simon you're gonna get your brains fucked up dude i took my girl to willie simon mistake big mistake I couldn't put it down

nearly hard enough clean up under everyone's chair yeah alright well we love you guys have a great rest of your thank you Willie this was awesome

thanks for having me thank you Willie that was a blast everyone comment what day is this coming on again? Monday the 26th what day though sorry Monday

have a great rest of your Monday have a great Tuesday and we will see you guys on Wednesday everyone comment your favorite movie nice

peace Thank you for watching!