Will & Rusty's Playdate - garbage men hate WHAT religion?! w/ mary shalaby

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

Actress and comedian Mary Shalaby joins Will and Rusty to talk about her brief stint as a podcaster, altar serving, and why everyone thought she brought acid to prom. The gang also dives into what Gru’s been up to, Mary’s plans to marry into the Kennedy family, and the looming threat of robot world domination. Finally, they draft old wives’ tales and Disney shows that don’t exist. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod RUSTY’S SONGS OF THE DAY: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2e5sF4pBj2HBZDoMhymnNf?si=w38C4sjDT6i4OIXq9f_eSg FOLLOW MARY: TIKTOK https://www.tiktok.com/@real_mary_mother_of_god?_t=ZT-8vZDCI9pb5f&_r=1 IG https://www.instagram.com/mary.shalaby/ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: ! NEW FLAVOR ! ACCELERATOR COTTON CANDY BY LIVVY DUNNE NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON ($10 OFF UNTIL 4/18) https://www.amazon.com/stores/page/FB06B38E-F0C2-479F-9DA5-FD4A1C852B07?channel=Playdate VISIT https://us.dollarshaveclub.com/collections/playdate-podcast AND USE PROMO CODE PLAYDATE FOR 20% OFF $20 OR MORE. THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY BETTERHELP. IF YOU’RE THINKING OF STARTING THERAPY, VISIT HTTPS://WWW.BETTERHELP.COM/PD FOR 10% OFF YOUR FIRST MONTH AND GET ON YOUR WAY TO BEING YOUR BEST SELF. 00:00 Intro 04:06 Living in New York 07:28 Pool Parties 12:06 Mutual Friends 17:34 Fitted Up Babies 21:44 The Biggest Host 24:51 Driverless Cars 36:28 Roadmap 39:46 Pitch Submissions 50:18 Pitches 59:43 This Guy Rocks 01:12:46 9/11 Babies 01:21:41 Old Wives’ Tales that Don’t Exist 01:30:57 Disney Shows that Don’t Exist 01:28:00 Whose Personality are you Stealing? #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Nice travels. Play date episode 97. I'll let you do the honors, will you? We have with us, oh yes, we have our very good friend Mary Shallaby with us today. Is it Shallaby or Shallaby? Shallaby. Shallaby. we are very excited this has been two years uh two years in the making which i just learned today

apparently kenward invited mary on uh two years ago and she couldn't make it but mary doing we're bad we met you came to the office like yeah two years ago yeah and then kenward was like okay pull up this day and i was like bro i'm literally driving cross country that day all right well we i'm glad i'm glad we're here we did it how wait do you live in the big city now yeah i live in brooklyn oh la not la no i well now that i'm here i'm like well i would like to live here that would be nice the big city was la in your mind in my mind yeah what the hell yeah i don't know it's huge it is a really big it is big yeah that's awesome uh wait what were you gonna say when i was introducing yeah lauren is

whenever we decide to start recording lauren gets up and makes eight adjustments and it really if will and i have a hard hard time focusing i'm sorry i forgot to move that camera out of the way now it looks better uh what were you saying when i said 97 you said you want to do it do you know number 97 oh connor mcdavid sorry or mary you can guess someone who's explained did you know we're just gonna do the things and not explain it yeah i'll just guess i don't know on On the 97th, or on each episode, we guess someone who's either that age or has worn that number. I like that.

So we know Connor McDavid wore it, but that's too easy. Can we try and guess a 97-year-old? Wait, sorry. Ooh, it's Connor McDavid. He's a hockey player. He's a hockey star. Form what team? The Edmonton Oilers.

Okay, shout-out Oilers. Yes. Shout-out Edmonton. Have you ever been to Edmonton? No, that's a great city. No, I've never been. That's a big one. That's a big one.

That is the big city. Dude, the medium city, Edmonton. For the people that don't know, our good friend Mary is a comedian. She's on social media. She's very, very funny. Mary and I recently followed each other, or has it been a while? Oh, my God. I feel like we've known each other forever now.

You've been following Playdate for a while. Yeah, you've been a Playdate. No, I saw it on the other page this morning. You followed this morning? I respect it. I respect it. But that's worse than just not following. You know what I mean?

I don't think so. I have no shame. You were trying to pull a fast one on us. No, because you know I listen to it, but why am I going to follow a podcast account? Amen. Because you're not about the clips. No, that's fair. Everyone else is about the clips.

No, I'm not about the clips. I'm about listening to that shit in my car. And that's better. And that's even better. Have you listened? Yes, I have listened. That's great. In fact, I had a podcast for like two seconds where it was just literally me just yapping

to myself for 30 minutes. but my buddy brendan is like a big fan of you guys and then brendan and i were like i had one guest on the podcast sorry i had two guests on the podcast it was brendan both times we copied you guys this guy sounds awesome it's literally fucking lit uh but this we literally just copied you guys and we're like okay five things that don't exist there you go that's funny Yeah, so, no, I've known y'all for a minute, so don't even try and pull a fast one on me. I want to warn you that if you and Brendan try and do that again, we will sue you. Well, so, like, I don't think you, like, have that shit, like, on lock, do you?

We have, yeah, we trademarked things that don't exist. Oh, fuck! Which proved to be a lot harder than we realized. I would love to see that document. Yeah. Samara, you live in New York. are you friends with my sister who lives there well so you just told me for the first time that your sister lives there my brother lives there too oh are you friends with sam um how old is sam

30 30 1 31 31 so like i don't think i know sam but i could you don't know anyone who's 31 that's the right attitude i know a lot of people who are 31 actually and that was shocking Where in Brooklyn do you live? Williamsburg. Wburg. Yikes. Not in the gorgeous, beautiful part by the water I live in, the part by the Hasidic neighborhood. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I know that. It's crazy there. It is. My brother's in Greenpoint, and I like walk to Prospect Park. Oh, I love Greenpoint. So I think I probably went right through. Wait, so you walk to Prospect Park from Greenpoint?

He travels by foot. It's like five miles. Yeah, it was like a walk. Every time we go to a new city, he walks around like it's the last time he's ever going to be alive. He needs to see as much of the earth as possible. Especially in New York. I feel like every day I almost get hit by a car. But you go through, there's this part of it where it's like you entered a foreign country.

Yes, it is. All of the signs are in... Oh, yeah. Like the signs are in different language. What foreign country would it feel like? Israel, probably. That would be the one. yeah uh are they the ones that i heard i don't know if it's them or a different set are they

the ones but they they get rid of all of their belongings like once a year or like once a and like all like all their couch like i was i was listening to a garbage man talk and he said that that's his least favorite neighborhood i'll just go and grab bring their like couches like the whole thing out and the garbage man like hates them like once a year garbage men hate this religion garbage man hate religion hate this secret title title of this episode wait i like that like everything they own you like couch it like literally kids i literally think they like start google that one i don't even know what i'm google yeah lauren google that shit pull that shit up i don't know what i'm google jewish google jewish people

start over once a year look up garbage man hate what religion i'm pretty sure unless i made this up i'm not like but there's also like during okay during passover before passover yeah that's great so they just get right that's soon it says food mary you gotta get back soon i gotta guys my brother did that he did double decker couch in college what is the urge there's like a there's an urge when you're like 18 to 25 where you're like this couch isn't high enough like we need to like get it yeah or it's like there's an urge when you're in college it's like what if my living space looks like fucking dog shit like why like it's not that hard to not look like dog shit all the time but every place i lived didn't look like

dog shit i didn't really i'm so sorry we went to can we go back to that couch thing i i'm i have no no no i don't know what you're talking about i've never i've never seen someone try to elevate their couch i've never seen like like there's one couch on the ground and then you build like a platform out of wood so like it's like stadium seating it's epic sure i guess i'm missing out we went to when i was in college we tracked down this couch on facebook marketplace and it was like suspiciously cheap like it was like the everyone close their eyes picture the biggest couch you can picture you got it ah sorry i'm getting a headache okay subtract that subtract that by like three feet like it was almost the biggest thing i'd ever seen wow and so we go to

pick it up and the lady was like hey i think someone was wearing like fraternity letters and she was like do you guys probably like need more couches and we were like yes and she was like i have another one almost as big and then a reclining like lazy boy if you want that and we like this is a steal for like 50 bucks and uh she very quickly got everything in the truck and then we peeled off and when we got home one it was like the heaviest thing in the world but we realized after a day the reason she was getting rid of it is like they all or two of the three like reeked so we had to like put them out on the patio and they were too heavy and like the garbage man wouldn't take them so we just like had these things and i'll think if you got really

desperate for a seat you can sit on the couch like it was it was like if you sat in it like your clothes like you would have to go home and change why did it's like like like cigarettes or like literal like like like poop like it smelled like a giant steamy turd yeah but we'll put a picture of it here we got so tired of it being right here tired of it being on the patio that we threw it in the pool and it floated wait hold on really quick yeah you had a pool in your college i went to school in florida so like there were there were pools at every house it was not a nice it was not a nice house but it floated for like a minute and so i was floating around in it and then what we didn't realize is like when those things sink they are like a million pounds because

it's like a water the massive heavy couch you put into the pool this was just sunk to the bottom the lazy boy but if no it floated for like the whole party and so it was like this cool thing and then it was like suctioned to the bottom of the pool and like i don't i honestly don't remember how we got it out i'm just concerned like you put it in the pool and like then all like the gross shit and it probably was yeah doesn't the pool stink then yeah dude and everyone smelled like shit we had the best parties in college oh my god our pool reeked dude you would have loved my pool parties the pool fucking reek everyone left everyone left sick to their stomach i remember i remember being at a pool party in college and these kids like we're trying to have

their like almost famous moment where they jumped off the will's never seen almost have you seen almost he's never seen he's never he's seen five movies i've never seen him he listed him But I want to know the movies. List them again, Willie. Django Unchained. Classic. Rango. Gone Girl.

Rango's crazy. Will made me go as Rango for Halloween last year. Finding Nemo. He made my face Rango. And Finding Nemo. Those are good ones. Yeah. So you hit some really good classics.

I actually saw Barb and Hymer, so I guess six. Oh, so six movies. Okay, period. You did the... No, separately. I just saw both of them. That was like I got into movies for like a week. Dude.

We didn't have. I got whipped up in that whole fad. I was like, all right, I'm a movies guy now. You get litter boxed once. Yeah. We didn't have. In Syracuse, we had pool parties too. How was that?

They made a pool parties too. It's called Shaq Pool. That was really sweet. Thank you. Boy love. We had this Shaq Pool. Shaq was like where you go in Dardy and they had a pool there. And someone would always go in it

And then you'd just be wet for the rest of the day Shack I'm picturing like an ice fishing house Shack's just like a dump It's a dump of a house And like that's where you go and darty And they'd have like this pool there And it'd be like 50 degrees

But like as soon as it hits like 50 degrees in Syracuse Everyone's like what I got this Look at this text I got Oh I think I showed this to you But look at this text I got yesterday from a random number She says, hey, it's Shaq. Save my new number.

I'll send you the screenshot. I think that is him. It's a non-zero chance. I think I should save the number. Well, you guys have met. We did. I dabbed him up once. Will tried to dab up his...

I tried to fist bump him, and he just grabbed my whole... He dwarfed his hand. It's kind of an alpha move. Yeah, that is epic. Syracuse, so you know Kyle McCord. Do you know the Mitchell brothers? Yeah, I know the Mitchell brothers. That was supposed to be like by Syracuse.

i was joking with ryan about how like when someone goes to a school you're like do you know my friends and they're always like no it's a joke i feel like i would though well i mean the mitchell brothers jackson woods woodsy i was with woodsy two weekends ago woodsy's my boy that's like one of my best friends yeah i know really yeah how do you how am i supposed to fucking eat how would she know who my hometown friends are good because woodsy's my boy i love him and i came up yeah that's awesome yeah hey cheers to woodsy woodsy has the woodsy had the coolest house when we were kids we'd go hang out in his barn and he's like all these toys and there's like a slide in the epic he cracks me up he's just like just some of this shit jose i'm like he he got caught on one

of those like men on the street you know those like oh really yeah you know those things where they're like that's all i want i've been waiting five years you don't want to ask what i'm listening to you don't want it the way woodsy got it so it's like this was a guy that goes out in portland maine and like clearly is just trying to catch drunk kids looking like idiots oh god and there's batman we'll put the video right here there's a video some batman walking down the street and the guy's filming that and then woodsy walks by and he woodsy's drunk enough that like he was more interesting than the guy who's dressed like in a cape walking down the street and so he pans over and the only thing woodsy could think to say was shout out portland maine

which is which is the city that they are currently standing in i like that that's some pride my buddy jackson who's also friends with woodsy they always they come to new york woodsy's always in the city he's constantly driving all the way from maine to the city but actually one time i was at a diner with my buddy brendan brendan shout out brendan again shut up he's also really good friends with we were just like eating and then would you just pulls up in an uber and we look out and he's just like like what are you doing here he does he like spawns in places he's one of those guys where like yeah i don't know if he has all of our location or like he was just always there i picked up a hitchhiker once and i brought him to get cigarettes and i pulled out recently oh this

was like in high school okay we'll put the picture here again woodsy this is a picture of how your work cut out for you this is a picture jackson took uh i pulled up next to him he saw my car pulled up next to it to see he thought it was me in the car and he pulled up and it's just a hitchhiker waiting in my car while i'm inside getting him cigarettes that's awesome that's an all-time that's so epic woodsy's friend who's also my friend too i have i'm okay what flavor tag y'all come on cinnamon they're a sponsor no i just don't like this Go yum, go yum. I like all the flavors.

Yummy, yummy in my mouth. I love every flavor of Lucy. Of Lucy. Yeah. Can I try one? Yeah, you want one? Yes, I can. Even cinnamon?

I can take your last one. We have an unlimited supply. There's a whole vending machine. You can help yourself on the way. Oh, guys. So, I love, I love you. Mary. She starts throwing up.

No, no, no, no. I've had 12 million friends. Come on, Mary. Yeah, I'm kind of a beast at whatever. Anyways, we'll have to sing. My buddy Jackson, who's also buddies with Woodsy. Confusingly also named Jackson. Yeah.

That's why we call Jackson J-O. And Woodsy, we call Woodsy. Clear? Okay. Clear. Roger. Affirmative. They're both so fucking dumb.

But he did the same thing As Lindsay where he was like Shout out Portland Maid He goes into Katz Delicatessen In New York Shout out Portland Maid Get out of here man

He goes to Katz Delicatessen Pastrami Oh the one with the fucking line Not a fan He goes and he's like Katz Delicatessen Only in New York doesn't order anything and then there's the security guard and he goes hey man hey man

where you from and he goes new york born and raised he goes i'm from california shout out and then he just leaves wait what for a video yeah just for his own just wanted for just for you guys he's like dude best day ever i'm having a great day wait i just had an awesome thought please the cinnamon is the the flavor is going to merge beautifully now you're getting it with my coffee now you're getting it what kind of coffee for our audio listeners mary's wearing the cutest overalls right now and well i told and i'm wearing what and will's wearing a black t-shirt uh pleasure pleasure to have in class t-shirt or hat hat you're so good at selling our hats oh god I'm panicking

What are you talking about right now? I was just shouting out her overalls And I was going to say that I almost wore my exact ones And it just would have been a very beautiful You lost your train of thought I'm always losing my train of thought My mom got them for me for my 19th birthday

Wow Shut up mom I'm trying to get back into overalls I used to have a corduroy pair Put a picture right here And they were fucking killer I was also like 5 so they like look cooler yeah the clothes looked cooler on like like that's when you're proportioned

to look like the swaggiest you ever see like a dripped out like toddler all the time especially here like in venice yeah some of the fits i'm like i need that outfit it's like new york walking around brooklyn you see people with like fitted babies it's insane i see babies in dunks I'm like Because like here There's not as much It's like hotter Like I feel like you can

Do more with your outfit In colder climates Yeah you can swag out A baby So like New York Is just Oh my god You're pimping out your baby

Baby scarf That was probably Not great phrasing Baby hug Pimping out your baby But like Yeah just like Getting him like

Swagged out Pimping out your baby My friend Grace Is like already Thrifting clothes For her child For her child Grace isn't having a baby

Anytime She has a boyfriend at least Yeah his name's Cap Shout out Cap And how does he feel about If my girlfriend was Actively buying Baby clothes

I'd be like I don't know This is terrifying Well so this might be How he finds out What'd you say? This might be how he finds out This might be how he finds out

She's pregnant Cap She's pregnant Cap You're gonna be a dad You're gonna be a dad She wanted you to find out This way

On Rusty and Will's Playground I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna have kids soon I just gotta find a wife Right And then

Why do you have to find a wife first yeah it's because i was raised in the holy roman catholic church okay me too i was an altar server photo here my dad was an altar whatever you want literally say anything you want you don't even have to have the photo lauren has to find it oh here's a dog where here's a dog shaped like a triangle have you considered doing improv no i don't like stages yeah that's okay Is that why you don't go on tour? God is ass. I think I don't have any.

I don't have anything to like. I don't have any talents to tour with. We can do it. That's not true. What would the tour be? The Rusty Featherstone tour? Just pound back at 30 Rack? We should do live pods eventually.

That actually sounds horrible. Do a live pod. Do a live pod. Okay. If we do. All right. We'll make a deal. We will do one.

But if we do it, you have to be a guest. Well, so I was hoping you would ask me if I said to do a live podcast. That worked out pretty well, then. Okay. Networking is so easy. I'm so good at this shit. Fuck LinkedIn. That was easy.

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and it's on amazon right now so go to amazon you get ten dollars off before the sale ends on april 18th it's walking fuel it's talking fuel it's getting through the workday fuel saying andy cotton candy for andy's cotton candy for andy so if you have a friend named andy out there you could use that when you give him one go to amazon get yourself some cotton candy accelerator and who knows you might be dating mlb all-star paul skeens before you know it we love you my father was an altar server back in the day and he uh he got in huge trouble because he and his cousins like i guess they like had to do it or i don't know why but like they would be on opposite sides and see how much they could flick each other off without the priest knowing and then one time

the priest turned and my dad was like mid off and they got reamed out i just did it because i was bored and you know how like the priest and like the altar servers get like that big host that they like break into pieces yeah i was like i want a piece of that i wondered that i thought that was more just for when i was a kid i always big host oh well done well done um i thought that that was the one that we were all gonna share and then when i got up there the guy who every time i was like how are they getting them into like perfect circles out of that i was like trying to do the math in my head imagine you get the big one like jesus i'm kind had a big lunch dude come on i hated when they would do peace be with you and also with you

also with you or with your spirit now it's now it's and with your spirit yeah i don't there's someone some comedian has a good bit about that where it's like we all kind of stopped going to church before they made all these unless you're like a devout catholic like yeah i went back for the first time in like a couple years when i was at rollins and there was like all this new stuff yeah my church had one of those laminated sheets with the words printed out

oh yeah where you could just read the yeah so I didn't have to memorize that I went to like Catholic middle school and they would like I guess I was the best at reading so there I go bragging again you keep getting new ones

of these every day I guard SC it's for the south carolina national guard pretty cool anyway he did that that was brutal but anyway anytime like a kid was sick or whatever or like failed i would have to read so i did a lot of reading up on that a lot of shit i had to read from my first communion but i couldn't remember shit you don't have to memorize it oh yeah i did bernard what was it what did you marry married is scorched she's got you yeah you're never gonna recover from that huh i know i'm the new host now but my so my grandma my grandpa made up a song for

me yeah it goes intentions of parishioners and it keeps going just that over and over again and then we go and that is why we pray because i couldn't remember the word intentions and i I couldn't remember the word. Did you sing that when it was your turn to read? No, I thought it in my head, though. You thought it. It was like a memory tool. Exactly.

You fucking nailed that. I did the best. Will's a fucking beast, man. I said the best. Dude, you say the coolest shit. What else is going on in the world? What's your favorite thing about being in L.A.? In L.A.?

Ugh, those self-driving cars. I don't like them. I was in one yesterday just because I wanted to be in one. You were in a Waymo? Yeah. You have to protest those. That's the whole, we can't give in to this. Oh, so I just like wanted to like try it.

Wait, why are we protesting? I think it's stupid. Oh, that's why? I think they're electric, aren't they? I mean, that doesn't change anything. I was in a Jaguar. Yeah, they're all, I just hate, I hate that there's, like if I see one, I will cut it off.

i i like to run in front of a little i like there was not a guy in it there's not a guy my dad was saying they came out here to visit and there was a fire truck coming and they like sometimes the way most like panic because like it's just like they're still learning shit whatever and so it pulled over but it wasn't all the way there and he was like i don't know if this was intentional but it looked like the guys in the fire truck were like fucking with the way mo because it was coming at the way mo and they like swerved towards it and it like went into a spot they kept going i was like biking home and it was like the cops had like pulled the guy over where they were blocking the road a little bit and they had their sirens on but there was like

a cop out that was like waving traffic around the cop car but like the waymo could not figure that out so then it was the waymo got stuck and so then everyone had then the cop was waving had to move to the back of the waymo and wave people around the waymo i was like if i was a cop i'd be so pissed why do i have to fucking deal with this like lauren can you can you pull up the guy that got stuck in a parking lot in his waymo this is why i won't do it wait is this just a video of them all honking at each other no no that's great they're so they try and park each other but they all go into this one lot and they will honk when something gets close to all night this one apartment building in new york just yeah watch this shit this is this is this is why you should

never drive one get out the car has this been hacked what's going on i feel like i'm in the movies i'm in a waymo car rider support this car may be just driving in circles this car is just going scary either mike this is scab calling from waymo support i'm just calling because i receive a notification at your car not experiencing some routing issue please bear with me while i yeah i got a flight to catch why is this thing going in a circle i'm getting dizzy it's look at what it's doing i understand i'm really really sorry mike we're currently working with the situation of a vehicle is it circling around a parking lot it's circling around at like 10 miles at like 20 miles it starts doing donuts can't you just do it you should be able to handle it take over the car

you don't need my phone i don't have an option to control the car you get you get the gist but like i think these things are fucking evil i saw this awesome tiktok and it's these guys like really drunk and they're like us where we have a couple beers and getting away mo and like the guy's outside of the car and he like bumps into and he's like trying to get insurance that would be a good a good like side hustle just like running in front of yeah i sat in the front when i went in it yesterday yeah i don't which was not the driver no they don't let you do but i was just like in there and i was like i just i think it's a i think it's a slippery slope okay so i won't take any more way most please yeah thank you this is new i'm you thank you for

educating me that wasn't your responsibility i don't really have any i thought that i think they're kind of funny but that's why i wanted to go in it i was like this is gonna be so epic for me i think you gotta you gotta think about this way oh if they take over we're putting taxi drivers out of business we're putting uber drivers i'm not giving money to a robot yeah yeah It's the same price as the places that have, like, touch screens to order. That's, like, every restaurant now. What? Like, McDonald's?

Yeah. That's not every restaurant. That's, like... Oh, I feel like most, like, places, like, in the airport and stuff, like, you order on a screen. Yeah, I mean, I don't like to do that either. Yeah. At the airport, Kava, I still get my eyes on. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for educating me. Or apps. They're putting people up. We've got to get rid of apps and tech. Who made that? Humans made that.

Have you guys seen the movie Y2K? No. Is that the Cal Mooney movie? Oh, you haven't. Is it the what? Is that the Cal Mooney movie? Yeah. No.

It's all about all the robots banding together, and they're like, and they start killing humans. I really liked it. I watched it on the plane. Wow. Are you nice to chat, GBT? I don't use that shit. i don't know when i use it i get what i need out of it and then i'm and then i am mean to it so

it's like i was seeing this guy for a little bit who was like really into ai he's like a tech designer guy and i was like okay weird but he was like cosplaying as like a brooklyn liberal whatever and then i found out that he voted for donald trump and i was like okay like that i'm sorry like that's just not gonna work for me or whatever and he goes no no no i did it because like i really like ai and like i did it because of elon like i like elon like i voted for you oh it's because you like ai i was like okay cool yeah no yep yeah i don't wait well i don't even i'm not super well read on politics but is one of them better for ai than the other well i think Which is Elon is, like, pushing his AI shit.

That guy freaks me the fuck out. Me too. Some of these videos of him are so funny. He would be such a scary, like, villain if he had, like... Oh, my God. If he was cool. He's, like, Gru, but, like, actually evil. Yeah.

I love Gru. They asked him, like, why he built the sun. What the fuck is up with Gru, man? Is he evil or not? Because he seems nice in all the movies. Well, he's not, like, trying to do, like, super horrible shit. you know he's like trying to do shit that's like i steal the moon but that's not like a villain no one cares like if the moon if someone stole the moon tsunamis would would take over the whole

world or the opposite so that it would just be still so then it does kill people yeah guru's not a good guy fuck he's so nice to i don't know is those little well that's they're trying to they're trying to humanize him that's that's big tech big uh big animation trying to get us make us docile he should get yeah i'm learning so much today vector on the other hand is bad news i hate vector yeah yeah well vector him and vector are coming at it from two different angles vector i think had a uh you know troubled he was bullied and so he's he's doing it with anger i think his power is power hungry no he was also bullied what oh yeah oh y'all y'all haven't seen y'all haven't seen rise of grew no no is that minions rise of group young i don't like the

whole minions thing okay not a fan what about dr nefario i hate these guys now well think about it they're essentially i hate the minions they're unpaid workers i feel like you disagree with what rusty says no no i agree with what lauren says okay their minions are slaves i think that's messed up oh yeah I didn't that's also another bad oh he's a slaver so how do you feel about um the Oompa Loompas we had all of them yeah sorry did you know was lauren is that what that was call him okay no that's not that's not what is that what that was that was that situation i thought there was a no that was a human lauren that was why was he here why was he here i think he was i believe he was i think we were trying to i think tanner found a

golden ticket yeah what do you mean he played all of them like all of the oompa loompas are played by one actor have you ever seen parent trap it's the same girl for both linky lohan i used to love that movie i was actually i was watching parent trap tiktoks last night of uh nicky what was his name the dad and nicky glazer dennis quaid no but dennis quaid's character whatever it was just talking about nicky nick james so sad that elizabeth james died that was like really what like a long time ago when she was like 45 why what how'd she die yeah why skiing accident like a kennedy it was like yeah really sad i don't know skiing accident yeah Wait, is that the one who plays the mom?

Yeah, Natasha Richardson. I decided I'm going to marry a Kennedy. Oh, yeah. Because I don't... Jack Schlossberg. Yeah. Jack Schlossberg makes me laugh. Jack Schlossberg makes me want to get into politics.

He does ballet, and it's really sweet. He does ballet? Pulled the video of Jack Schlossberg in his ballet recital. Jack? I don't know how to spell that. Schlossberg. Alexa, Google Jack Schlossberg. It's right in front.

It's right there. yeah i decided like i want to die before my friends because i don't want to go to their funerals because like that's too sad i do no i want it yeah i was about to say i always i always think about like how how much i'm going to nail uh people's like funerals you already wrote yeah what am i looking at well i don't want to i don't want to do that shit so if i marry kennedy i'll probably just die young oh that's a good point let's make them what am i looking at Jack Schlossberg ballet recital is he joking

no it's so real when we did the live show in Boston my friends kept saying we're coming to your recital it's an interesting group of ballerinas they're beautiful yeah it doesn't feel like you learned I don't think you guys could do that.

He does. There's other guys, and then they all do it. Wow, he's good. So if he wasn't a candidate, Mary, would you be impressed by this? Absolutely. I feel like everything he's done so far, I could do. It doesn't take much. Ballet's so cool.

That was it? Oh, you didn't do anything? There's more. There's more. Well, I think he's just standing. Should we find a crazier one, maybe? Guys, there's one. There's, like, three guys also in the show with him,

and then they do, like, their little, like, thing. They each get, like, oh, here, this is better. Okay, now we're talking. Now we're cooking with the ants. Jack, I apologize. This is impressive. That wasn't the best turn. He's a Kennedy, man.

He can do whatever he wants. Two women at once. The Kennedy is so cool. That's the dream. Mary, would you marry Jack Schlossberg if he asked? Yeah. Do you think you guys would get along? I think we'd have one hell of a time.

We'd have a hoot. He listens to the spot. He's a playmate. Yeah. Mary, what's your ideal man look like? This. Yeah, right there. Oh, now I'm embarrassed.

He's in black tights. He's got some sort of sash. Yeah, he looks like a pirate. He looks like a pirate or like a guy from Spain in the olden days, I think. He's like a matador. A character in Don Quixote. um all right should we road map it up yeah road map road map everyone put your hands together where we tell people uh what they're gonna hear on this episode okay all right we have a lovely

episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitches followed by our pitches followed by everyone's favorite segment mary say it with me teach me something nice followed by this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today hey hey and then we're gonna do old wives tales that don't exist yeah followed by disney shows that don't exist and then we'll do rusty song of the day lauren let's hear some pitches mary you overwhelmed by the amount of segments no i'm prepared you do all of them um i didn't do i didn't do teach me something because i was like i don't know what i could teach that's fair but i did all i did all the other ones that's great i'm excited all right we love we're the only podcast that gives our guests a ton of homework

yeah i had fun did you really yeah that's lovely all right guys we are here to talk about one of our new favorite partners dollar shave club guys shaving is a personal thing we all know that and uh you know however you like to shave dollar shave club has something for you uh dollar shave club makes the razors but you make the rules we're talking guys who are stubble we're talking guys with beards we're talking guys with goatees we're talking guys who are hungry talking guys who are starving but they have to shave before they can eat because no one likes to get food all up in that beard come on ain't that the truth guys seriously check out dollar shave club it's more than just razors

they seriously have everything uh shave butters cream i was putting on some of their shave butter this morning yeah you were uh and look how fucking sexy i look can i say the f word yeah man fuck fuck let's go i got the three-in-one freestyler in front of me but the club series six blade razor has changed my face game uh you were saying that my cheeks felt smooth when you kissed him last dude i honestly like will will's face game has been kind of the same since we've met it's on another level it's op uh i'm crushing it i guess with my face game everyone's been saying uh and the handle on the razor dude actually though it's like it's like a massage for your hand i like it and it's heavy it feels like a pistol grip yeah yeah like it feels classy yeah

it does feels uh like i might be like a diplomat but don't take our word for it guys try for yourself dollar shave club products are now available everywhere so you can order them from their website amazon or get them at your favorite retailer near you alternatively you can visit their site right now for 20 off 20 or more and get your products delivered right to your door visit dollarshaveclub.com slash playdate and use promo code playdate for 20 off 20 or more and remember whatever you shave welcome to the club first pitch is from all right first pitch is from eli uzi cash oh also mary i forgot to tell you this at any point you can say a sound effect and lauren has to edit it then also we gotta pick who we are we're all the judges oh

yeah oh yeah so i'm randy okay paula mr wonderful perfect randy paula mr wonderful all right actually i want to be barbara cochran oh she's a beast what that's barbara streisand barbara streisand do you remember playing that on the dance what was that just dance just dance yeah that shit was so fun okay no i don't remember okay all right i always did the one that was like a data bug into my heart okay hi ed ed and eddie what is the worst part about playing a card game losing teaching your friends how to play it and they get overwhelmed and don't want to play it anymore yeah that one i love everything about card games perfect no bad part okay so fun eli says remembering the rules and hearing the dreaded words let's just play around and you will catch on

yes say hello to your new favorite app spy dealer once you get the app you will you will receive a small imperceptible earbud that you can slip into your ear before going to a game night the earpiece will listen to the game being played and tell you the rules whose turn it is and once it is your turn all the possible moves you can make. Nice. For a paid tier you can opt in to get glasses slash contacts with a camera that will let the app see what cards slash tiles etc

you have in your hand and suggest possible plays. To keep it fair it would never push you towards a specific move and simply present all of your options freeing you of looking like an idiot in front of your friends or asking an outside observer what you should do. Keep your game night seamless and fun with Spy Dealer.

I love it I have no notes yeah I have no notes I love that I want it for other people too I'm so bad at it Willie like has very complicated board games and like the barrier to entry

is really hard Katan I love that one I had a Katan masterclass the other night it was like a 10 and they all had like 3 victory points i do have a note on that pitch though okay this is yeah exactly this is where i come in uh some people have different rules to different

games like i was at a bar playing uno one night and it was like a big group of us and some people were like oh you gotta keep drawing till you have a card to put down or some people are like that's how i play too but all these fuckers were like oh no you just gotta pick up one and it goes run it's like well that's where this would have a fault yeah yeah because pick up one is not enough of a punishment no not at all that's what i grew up playing as and then pick up one in my olden years that's because your your family was so soft growing up yeah you're i you're your family i'm sorry miss hoagland but you guys just you were too soft on laura now she doesn't know the rules any of these games no i don't or life i said i don't know anything but it's like my dad uh

insists that the first person to play in scrabble doubles their points and i've read the scrabble i've read the scrabble rules back and front and that's not a rule and he's like that's in it's in the rule book we looked we always play that it might be more of just a house rule yeah but it's not in the rule book yeah i think you're right there okay we got one of those scrabble that spins and change the game oh so it's always facing you yeah so it's like when it's just like it's going so way too fast all right picked up like a lawnmower engine yeah okay thank you eli next pitch is from owen stewart owen says what's up oh stew what's up Kevin and the Chili's.

Chili's. Kevin. Can't remember Kevin Chili. Kevin Chili. Have you seen Kevin Chili from Office? No, who's Kevin? Oh. From the Office TV show.

Oh, I've seen the Office. Chili gets everywhere when he made it for the whole office. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. He made it for the whole office. Can you tell her how the whole thing happened? Well, he makes a big pot for the whole office, and then it's just like, spill, spill. And no one gets any. Everyone's like, fuck.

What's Andy like? Oscar. Andy's like, what did it do? and Oscar's Angela's like, I'm a tight ass or something. Give me another kickjob. You do Stanley.

Stanley's probably like, mm-hmm. Give me one. And then Michael Scott comes in and is just like, zany out the gate. He's like, oh, we can still eat it off the floor. You did not say that. You did not say that.

Michael's wearing jeans and they're happy. Meredith's like, I'm horny. Give me one, give me one. And then what's Creed doing? Creed goes, what do I do here? Yes, that's right. Creed's probably like. Now you're Ryan.

What does Ryan do? Oh, Ryan's. Ryan's like, woof. Yes, woof. That's crazy because you just actually, wait, Ryan's kidding you. And then you just did it. And then you did it. Okay, you're Kelly.

And what's Kelly doing? Kelly's probably like, this is so disgusting. Yes. But someone has to clean this up right now. Me again, me again. And Pam. Pam's like, Mom, where's Jim? Yeah, for loving each other.

She's like, oh, Roy. Roy, I don't want to marry. And then Roy comes in. He's like, I'm going to kill you. And then Jim's probably like. And Daryl. Oh, Daryl's like. Daryl's like, oh, warehouse.

Daryl's like, I'm going to go back down to the warehouse, I guess. Classic Daryl. He's always in the warehouse. And Bob Vance. What's Bob Vance doing? This isn't cold enough because I have a refrigerator company. if you don't want if you don't want

four minutes of office talk do not bring up Kevin Chilly can't bring up Kevin Chilly oh also some punk band

put Kevin Chilly in their song in their song and sent it to us that's awesome they all yell Kevin Chilly

what punk band I don't know I think it was the the squirts no the squirts haven't put out a record in a while

I think it was the meat squirts you gotta hear the new meat squirts album it reeks great all right it smells so bad meat squirts is vile okay owen says uh me and my boys from maine put this one together what is the worst maine shout out maine shout out shout out portland maine what is the worst part about drinking coffee in the morning i got poop yeah well absolute blowout inbound sorry what was the question i got distracted i got i got this crazy phone call crazy jack what's the worst part about drinking coffee in the morning um yeah i heard she squirts squirts oh

for the record for context i have been i think one of the remember the episode i accidentally leaked my phone number yeah i've made an incessantly prank called with some sort of ai prank call software so i think dial yeah you kicked my dog so i answer it and it's like like i'm in charleston the moment i land like i guess the timing must have been lucky i just get all these calls from a charleston number i'm like what the hell and i answer it finally i feel like the fifth one it's like yo dog you ready yeah i got the you got the drugs or not like i'm coming yeah do you know prank dial mary no but it's that website you put your friend's number and it'll send them like a pre-recorded thing do they get to hear what i say yeah it records it

because then i get what then i'm like whatever and then i'm getting a call from a different number a few days later i answer it's like hello i want to order two burrito and so i just went along with it i'm gonna be using this now a lot yeah i didn't know this was skylar fulton wrote most of the prank dial things oh that was his company yeah uh maybe it's him then yeah i uh we used to we had this neighbor named brian cunningham brian if you're out there i hope you're doing well we used to call him year round and go chestnuts roasting on an open fire jack frost nipping at your nose he thought it was fine for the first couple times and then he got really mad

we also used to call that's an insane prank you guys were fucking nuts we were fucking crazy but he lived like 40 yards away so it was like you could like you knew he was in the house it was like home phone time

hearing that means nothing when someone's like 50 yards that means nothing to me I don't know how far away that is you don't know how far 50 yards is? is that a football field? nope half of one

oh okay that's not actually that far no it's true i thought it would be more than you can't picture 50 yards not 150 feet yes ma'am all right sorry let's what was the thing back to kevin chili owen stewart the worst part about drinking coffee in the morning he says either you have to drink it before you brush your teeth or your breath stinks all day introducing caffeine clean a caffeinated toothpaste you can get your morning wake up without the smelly downside get energized and improve your mouth health all in one go additionally our company will offer a nicotine and alcoholic version for your nighttime brush if that's something you're into thinking about adding a melatonin version but we can discuss that after you invest i like that a lot i like

that too because like you think about the times you brush teeth it's like morning you do the caffeine one if you're like going out on like a date you want to brush your teeth but maybe you want to like a drink before so you're a little comfortable or if you're going to bed the melatonin like you fall asleep over this but imagine you get all mixed up it's like you get hammered before work and then you fall asleep on your date and then and then you um get drunk at night i guess that one's fine and then you get drunk you get fucking wasted like hammered at night crazy maybe you could expand into like food versions you don't have to eat breakfast you can like make it so you to eat breakfast it's like this like pain in your life if you don't have time no i like breakfast

too sometimes i just have like egg flavored toothpaste you can you can swallow it without any repercussions egg egg egg uh all right mary you're the guest you want to pitch us is it my turn okay okay okay a company you hire oh okay imagine you're sold imagine you're dead right yep but like you're not super popular but like you got some people in your circle who like you want to impress even though you're dead right welcome to a company you would hire and they they're a group of people and they come to your funeral and they're a group of improvisers and they hang out with your family and your friends and make you seem super popular i like that a lot like maybe you could probably put the deposit down like before you die yeah i

think it should be like in your will look yeah yeah they would know now you're oh oh fuck yeah you gotta you gotta know you're dying well then you just like you just do it no you just do like you pay ahead like i would be like yeah okay like i could do it now and then they won't come until like after i marry jack schlossberg and then die do you think we could make it like i would like them all to be like really like alt like i want people to like yeah i think i have like a whole different side like i don't know i don't know he was like that type of crew yeah yeah yeah i like that i like that a lot i'm in i would invest will you pitch us uh i'm sorry i forget i gotta i put it in my notes application floor fan what's the worst part about a ceiling fan in your bedroom

i feel like it's gonna spin off and hit you and kill you above you no it's more that i don't like like i like the effect of it but i don't like feeling it on me and seeing it sometimes when you look up at it it's like oh jesus well i'm just so ranting when it's like no that's what i'm saying it goes so fast you think it's gonna spin off my friend when we go to we don't be going to lacrosse practice when we were little kids and before we'd just wad up our socks and just chuck that shit in the van. Yeah, well,

none of those were that, but I was... I want to tell a similar story. We used to throw beanie babies at my friend Chris's van and it just like, it ruined it. It was like off the wall like when you turn it on, it would like broke the van.

And our friend moved into his house and she was like, hey, yeah, like I love the like love your room whatever what's up with the fan it's like falling off the room and he was like yeah we would throw beanie babies where i had it at jesus at it when we were a kid and we didn't tell his mom oh well now she knows yeah she knows i'm sorry mrs lebron yes she's lebron mrs lebron she just said that you didn't laugh i didn't i didn't i didn't hear it life of a female comedian, am I right?

I just wanted a guy to say it louder. God forbid. I thought you said the same name. Will does that to me a lot where I will say something and then he'll say it louder and then everyone loses their fucking marbles. Listen,

comedy's all in timing, you know? I'm not afraid to steal a joke and say it louder. Sorry, what? Yeah, you were about to say something. Yeah, I was doing... Wait, I think I was doing my pitch. uh no because i don't like the feeling of the air on my face like it's like just it's like hard to fall asleep when it's like coming at me um so i have to like cover my head or something if i have

the fan on so this was a fan that goes under your bed uh and so you don't have to see it or feel the actual waves of the air but you get the cooling and sort of circulatory effects of the fan so i think rusty and i have something to say yes rusty you go first um i didn't when you did this gesture and said coming at me that made me really uncomfortable and my thing is just like you know we're trying to get more female guests and when you're being this vulgar like it creates a you know a scenario where people might not feel so comfortable when you're talking about things coming at me i mean like you can say it wasn't awesome i just it's kind of just like we office moment like when you you're allowed to do whatever you want outside of work you know what i mean like

mary and i can't control that but like when you talk about your personal life and and like things coming at you and it's like you know i try and see you as a friend but like when i'm picturing like people like like blasting huge loads on your face like it's just hard for me to see you in that light and that's really frustrating yeah like i'm laughing but it's out of discomfort i'm sorry that you weren't a fan of that hey oh he's back thanks guys i'll be here all night so my one thing though about that though is like move your bed burn my fans right in the middle well so here's my other thing about that is like if it's like aren't like heat rises i mean yeah right yeah so like heat rises so like if you need something cooling you it should be like level with you or like

i'm not gonna get into the science of it all but like what we're trying to say is it's not good that's stupid thanks guys i appreciate your idea all right i gave a shot i've been trying well that's i hey keep going pal half the half of life is trying and the other half is following through you miss a hundred percent of the shots that you don't take say it again you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take michael scott is that setting in do you are you hearing what she's saying i hear everything valuable information i've just kind of you're sitting there you're not me and my daddy um 84 i uh i forgot a pitch but i am gonna come up with one right on the spot give me five seconds ghost fork all right ready what's

the worst part about pants um too hot they fall down sometimes they they're all for different occasions so if you have you know work and then you have dinner after you either have to be underdressed or overdressed there's not a pant that fits all situations chinos wrong the perfect jean hey overalls i got meetings after this true i said these are my meeting overalls because i look put the fuck together i look fitted up i'm here on a casual podcast in there this is casual no this is serious oh okay sorry okay so what i was saying is someone needs to create pants that can strip into any occasion so picture the pants you know the pants that zip off into shorts yeah i love those picture that technology but it's like right now i'm

wearing corduroys i pull a layer off khakis pull a layer off jeans put a layer back on uh car hearts pull it pull later off sweatpants everything is in them they sound if you're fully stocked it sounds hot oh my god dude if you are on the top if you're on the top layer you might you might as well be wearing wind pants they have snow pants as part of it i had a friend named alec wriggle and he wore wind pants that's not a real name put a picture of alec wriggle right here put a picture of alec wriggle right here but uh he would wear wind pants and you could tell alec was walking down the hall because you would hear

shh, shh, shh, shh. What is wind pants? Like track pants. Yeah, they're like those Nike, they're like made out of a material that doesn't exist. This show is sponsored

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sometimes it's a little scary to be open to people in your life and I think therapy is a really great outlet to just be vulnerable and be honest with someone that is there to help you and there to listen uh and it helps you become a better version of yourself you know um and just sometimes just talking having someone to be an ear but also with you know better help there's there's really great therapists that will help you kind of talk you through uh whatever situation you're

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time so if it's not working out you can move on to a new person guys your well-being is worth it so visit betterhelp.com slash pd to get 10 off your first month that's betterhelp.com slash pd We love you. Let's get back in. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away.

Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at UnitedWayGT.org. i've seen this i've seen this he's just in his own i don't know how to describe but wait mary watch what he does okay watch him very close he just sends the guy away he wants to groove on a guy comes up to dance with him

and he shoos him away i need to see that again he's the goat i guess that guy's like the goat thank you no thank you get out of here no thank you that's a king dance cards full all right lauren pause this immediately and i mean immediately okay this is my favorite video that i've seen in a while and uh it's basically just to set the stage this is a wedding party and the all the groomsmen and groom are arriving via parachute oh my god to make a grand entrance and they brought a news crew to document it and before we play this let's all make predictions mary what do you mary what do you think is gonna happen to the wedding party that is trying to arrive on parachute i just could imagine no one's landing in the right spot they're like

falling on the ground because when you hit the ground you forget how much you weighed. I want the groom stuck in a tree. Dangling. You might, I don't want to spoil it, but you might get

something that good or better. Lauren, we zoom in a little bit so you can see this up close. This is the hardest I've laughed in just a while. Alright, let's see it. Here comes the wedding party now. First to land is the usher.

he takes the seat right next to a busy highway now comes dave the best man guess he wasn't so lucky but i did a little bit of damage is this real yes just one no way when dave hit the car that's when i thought the day was over no this is like a sketch no it's not ready to make his grand entrance right into a tree it wasn't graceful but i was okay as far as the bride is concerned it was still a wonderful wedding it went smashingly there's no way that's fake but i'm obsessed with that what do you mean that's fake we just watched such a like this is you think you think that someone made a sketch and perfectly like nailed a car at like 40 miles an hour i just

watched the bride get the ick man she was like yeah what do you mean this is a real wait google google like parachuting it went smashingly dude the guy that ran into a car also you were like Like, I hope the groom gets caught in a tree. It's like, I nailed it. Your wish is granted. Parachute into wedding. Is that? I mean, I guess other people actually do this.

What do you mean the other people actually? We just watched it. Just the way it cut to those testimonials. Yeah. Because it was like a news thing. Yeah. I mean, I believe you. I believe you.

I have no reason not to. It just felt like a sketch. That was hysterical. It was too good to be true. Yeah, they rock. They fucking rock. All right, Mary. Do you have a guy that rocks?

Yeah, I do. um look up osmosis jones premiere kid premiere kid yeah it's like the premiere kid oh yeah this is a great video yeah lauren pull this pull this out quoting it's so funny what are you looking forward to most about this film well um i think i'm looking forward to cracking up uh i hope i can like you know totally crack up so I haven't like totally cracked up in a long time

I did oh wait that's him when he's oh that's when I just realized that oh that's him when he's grown up

he looks so different now I'm looking forward to totally cracking up I'm really looking forward to cracking up I haven't cracked up in a really long time so I'm really looking

forward to cracking up honestly that's what we all want he's a guy he rocks alright should we should we teach me

something we're all familiar with james wilkes booth yes john wilkes booth sorry john wilkes booth john wilkes booth killed who lauren the irony of that who uh abraham lincoln good uh did you know that edwin booth john wilkes booth brother john wilkes booth brother john wilkes booth brother uh saved abraham lincoln's son from dying so like before his brother killed the president uh robert lincoln who is abraham lincoln's son fell like between a train and the train tracks or something and uh edwin booth

grabbed him by the collar and pulled him out right before the train smoked him and then his he's a hero he saved the president's son and then like not too long later his brother shot the president in the head allegedly damn i also like we've talked about this before but like uh john wilkes booth killing abraham lincoln yeah back then is the equivalent of today like woody harrelson's brother shooting trump in the back of the head woody harrelson's brother i know that guy yeah because because john wilkes booth's brother it might have been edwin was like the most famous one of the most famous actors of the time and john wilkes booth was like his brother who was like lesser known and like didn't get as many parts oh i thought you were saying that woody

harrelson's like actual brother was the one who did it i was like i was oh but no now i get tell mary your woody harrelson brother story woody harrelson is my brother no woody harrelson i went to i was at jameson's irish pub okay uh if you lived out here you you you would end up there at some point it's kind of a very classic santa monica bar anyway outside this late girl comes running out and this guy's like chasing her he's like no don't leave me and he's like this tall handsome like gorgeous guy and she's like stunning and like they you know it was one of those like hot couples should just be together and he was like no don't leave me she's like get away from me don't touch me and then he like lunges towards her and me and this other hero uh try to like

hold him back because i don't know it was like me and this other hero it was just a couple of guys just being you know heroes and uh and then she's like no and then this really weird looking old dude comes out of the bar and he's like come with me and i had just like protected her from this hot guy and then she's like yeah i'll go with you and i was like no okay maybe stew do the hot guy then even if he's a little weak you know and uh she gets in the car with the old guy it's like a million dollar like porsche or something and uh the guy's clearly clearly what is it i think i believe it was a mclaren okay yeah whatever i don't know anything about that shit but it was uh he was clearly like drunk to the old guy and just they get in the car together and just speed off

and i was like oh my god like they were going so fast i was holy shit like that girl might fucking die why'd she go with that guy and the guy next to me goes like oh he'll do a bump and he'll be fine and i was like what she's like oh you don't know who that is no that was woody harrelson's brother you don't know him brett harrelson you've been in like one movie but it's great i was like welcome to la uh did i tell you guys when i saw kesha oh yeah i was thinking about that recently uh juice the coffee shop i saw kesha at the coffee i've only seen one famous person out in the wild ever and it happened this week that's crazy let's guess mike eruzione white nope i wish it was mike white kyle kuzma no fran wait give us give us a

She's an actress and her brother is someone also very famous who's in Superbad. Oh. Like Seth Rogen's sister? Wait, give another hint. Her brother's in Superbad.

Yeah, and also... Michael Cera? No. Christopher Mintz-Plessy? No. He's iconic. You're missing... Bill Hader's sister? No, guys. Oh, my. Who the hell is it?

Oh, Fred Armisen's sister? No. Not Fred Armisen. What's the... Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill is his sister? He's his sister? Mm-hmm.

Oh. What's her name? Beanie Feldstein. Oh, okay. Well, she's famous to me. Beanie Feldstein is Jonah Hill's sister's name? Yup. Yup.

She was... She's in... She's in Booksmart. Google her. She just got married. You kind of teed us up for... You kind of set us up for very... Beanie?

She is so famous. beanie feldstein oh okay yeah yeah i know sorry to show on tuesday and i was like well first famous person i could check on my list that's sick and now i'm here with two famous people three famous people four famous people one time i was leaving a parking garage and i was blasting miss jackson by andre 3000 jay walked in front of my car that's awesome that's sick that's so awesome are you lying no no that's a true story but will hates it because he saw under 2000 like two days before and then when he told me i was like no way i saw him this morning he doesn't believe me and he hates when i know it wasn't that i told him and you said no

way i saw him this morning because i told you you were like oh that's cool and then you came in the next day i was like i also saw him now i did it was sick there's no way it was fucking absolutely no way you racially profiled something no it was killer it was fucking awesome you didn't mary we talk about this every other episode it's a sore spot it's a very what are the odds that i saw him right where you saw him pretty high pretty high it's la it's la man and i was listening to miss jackson it was fucking sick yeah that's epic yeah um that's what happened that's a true story that happened it did happen did you guys do your teacher wait what i got what were we doing i didn't do mine. Mine's

a real ripper. You guys are going to love this. You know Joey Boza? Nope. Plays for the Buffalo Bills. Hey! Joey Boza's on the Bills? Wait, what is it? Bills Mafia? Bills Mafia.

Hey! They do that thing. He and his brother are both first round picks. Their dad also a first round pick in the NFL draft. I thought that was fun. I just learned that. Wow, what a good little family they got there. Isn't that crazy?

And his dad, Boston College Eagle. Also, I feel like with sports, like, neptuneism, like, can only go so far. Right, yeah. Like, if you're a first-round pick, that's epic. Yeah, that's insane. That means you're, like, actually talented, really good. Mary, are you a nepo baby at all? Maybe in, like, the biomedical world.

Oh, nice. Biomedical. Are you guys nepo babies? Lauren is. Lauren is. her mom produced uh joe rogan yeah her mom produces joe rogan still her mom yeah and her dad produces call her daddy whoa so is that how they met and fell in love yeah and then went on call her daddy and it sparks for flying wow it's beautiful lauren's an alcoholic okay hey good for

you girl thank you uh i have fun yesterday she came into work with this like new we'll put a picture over here like this new smoothie i took one with it it was like 60 rum where did you get that drink was gorgeous i got a strawberry i need to show you this photo of my strawberry matcha it was incredible if you like this place right down the street yummy strawberry delicious strawberry matcha what kind of music do you listen to

like epic music um uh we were talking about Noah Khan love him yeah I told I told everybody

last summer oh yeah that was awesome oh dude we took we took handicapped seating we had the best seats in the house amazing

you know yeah no it was insane it was we waited to make sure no handicapped people were sitting there like in the movie theater

yeah they were just wide open if you're down in the airport you know like the end seats always have the handicapped thing you're like well there are only so many handicapped people

Well, I'm also kind of like, they're only a few inches bigger. True. Mary, what's your sign? Guess. Aries. Aquarius. Taurus. Virgo.

Virgo. Virgo? I would maybe guess Virgo. Oh, okay. You're six? Sis. Your birthday is the 6th? No, he said sis.

Are you September 6th? I'm saying sista. Oh, sista, hey! Yeah. September 6th? No, I'm the 17th. I'm the 11th. Oh, boy.

What year? year before oh because like there was a whole thing where like 9-11 happened and now they have 9-11 babies where after habit all these people were like god we gotta have kids well yeah but that would be like early the next year right yeah like my my buddy evan shout out evan he uh he's a 9-11 baby yeah i'm um a different kind of 9-11 baby they knew it was coming my uh my dad and most of his siblings are all born like a couple days apart in march and we were like okay like what would like what were grammy and grampy doing and it was nine months before i believe is just like christmas i think or like nine months before march isn't it you

think christmas is nine months before march what's nine it was some holiday oh yeah it was fourth fourth of july i was thinking of so every fourth of july they just got really excited fireworks they were like i love this country this is for you that's patriotism this is for this is for our country i just had a really quick thought my you guys really love my brother i would love to meet him he's in long beach right now really let's go should we give him a call and have him come over right now yeah actually long beach is oh wait he's your older brother yeah he's same as you guys do you have any other siblings i have a 22 yo i'm 23 24 24 Yeah, Sean's 24.

He works for Jackson Motorsports. What is that? Yeah, it's based in Greenville. Sounds like a name of a guy. Hi, I'm Jackson Motorsports. That's an epic name. Wait, he lives in Long Beach or he lives in Greenville? No, he lives, I said Greenville, but he's here with Jackson Motorsports.

What is he, where in Greenville does he live? Well, so he doesn't live in Greenville. He lives, he just bought a house, which fucking shit. He really doesn't want to help me on that. at 24 yeah but south carolina but fuck nowhere so it's like like we could all probably buy a house there i couldn't no that's not after the stock market crash crash no i just i thought because like you guys say major like i just feel like you vibe heavy so yeah those immediately vibe is it s-e-a-m mary s-e-a-m my little brother's s-e-a-m such a good name how old's your brother

he is 21 wait 20 21 brother is hot her brother's really hot so hot okay picture of him right here lauren's hot brother right here okay uh ladies your brother hot he's cute he's attractive he's a smoke show he's attractive yeah everyone yeah he's a good looking guy that's i don't think yeah that would have been better than he's attractive i don't think there's anything you're attracted to your brother no i think my brother's so hot dude oh my god wait sam x we'll put a picture of will's hot brother here now sam is actually one of the best looking guys we've ever seen what picture put a picture of my hot sister right here okay all right i wish i had sam looks like sam looks like will if you made him if you made him six four and run marathons

wow and he has a thick ass mustache wow he's hot sean has a beard now it's really big a photo of sean my sean wait put the two seans next to each other oh make maybe maybe morph them together do one of the ai things that makes my and then in the comments vote on which sean is hot um you ever see this hey you got i got like some ads it was like make your kiss see what your make your crush see what your baby yeah i'm like i did it with you and i i did it with lauren and mary's brothers and it was awesome and i'm just learning about this but i'm gonna have a lot of fun when i go home later do you just have an older brother i have an older brother and i have a stepbrother named joseph who is adorable he's in high school he

just went to junior prom faded off he looked so dull oh did you like his date he didn't have a date that's awesome that i'm so happy he what so yeah he looked really lit probably knowing him me i totally did i did i went to prom by myself when stag which was kind of epic but then i kind of just like oh when i went to prom everyone thought i brought acid to prom nice why'd they think that i don't know i was like i've never touched it in my life but they so when we walked in everyone was like my mom got a call from our dean of students who was he's the dumbest guy ever he had a affair with our school resource officer trisha zuko whoa full name yeah she was gorgeous but like he i did not like him at all but he called my mom he's like i'm so sorry michelle

like i gotta tell i gotta let you know like people are saying mary and her friends are bringing acid to prom like it's like i just i just like i would be so sad like if something happened my mom was like she's driving home angus my buddy angus who's australian like with total nerd and elizabeth enoch super religious like like very like long arms um and she's like and she's taking the sats in the morning so i don't think she's what made people think that you were bringing us someone said someone started doing a little rumor which is kind of epic because i'm like y'all think i'm Yeah, that's kind of a fun rumor to have. Mary's so badass.

Her friends are rolling, or tripping. I don't know. Tripping. Trimping. Trimping. Did you already teach us something? Yeah, I taught you that thing about Joey Bozo. Oh, yeah.

Mary, do you want to teach us something? Oh, you don't have one. You don't have one. I don't. That's all right. Lauren, teach us something. I don't have anything. Do you ever itch in between your toes, and it's like the best feeling ever?

No. sometimes i'll like get under the covers and like do it secretly and it's like it's probably epica's like secret too it's like no one can know it's like when harry's like under the blanket and he's like lumos and he's reading the map but it's with my toes i do that with ice cream sometimes i get high you eat it on your toes i eat it off my toes i know i get a mug of ben and i fill a mug up with ben and jerry's and i get under my covers and eat it that's awesome This is a little secret. Secret.

You know calories don't count if you're under a thing. Yeah, that's why I take all my food to bed. I got some- Mary, Will goes to sleep with food in his bed and rolls on top of it. Yeah, it looks like a murder scene. He'll fall asleep on top of it. What color sheets is that? It's the funniest thing.

Not anymore. Wait, did you get new sheets? We'll put a picture of it here. Will fell asleep on his lasagna one time. It literally looked like he got shot. Because there was chunks of meat. That's a crazy habit. Not for the record.

Only when I'm drunk. i just get chips in my bed yeah yeah it's just like i yeah we were both like yeah yeah what else last night i i forgot to respond to this but if whoever the playmate is that dm me they go i was asking if anyone knows how to curb the munchies and one guy said popsicles and he was right because they take so long to eat yeah but then the whole time i was eating i was like i cannot wait to be done so i can move on to a new snack and it just like backfired because It's like, now I've had a Popsicle, and then I'm getting into the M&M's. Try, like, nuts.

No, but nuts have so many calories. Yeah, but they're hard to eat a lot of if you get, like, boring ones. I know, but my thing is, like, if I don't like it, I will just move on to a new snack. If I don't like it, I just don't even buy it. Come on. Come on, that's my philosophy. That was a hard lesson to learn. Mary, you are the guest, so you get to pick.

Would you like to start with old wives' tales that don't exist or Disney shows that don't exist? um what's the what's the difference between starting with one or the other just whatever you want to do first oh uh i mean on my notes app i have uh the wives tales first so let's just be let's you know we did you know we did this once already right old wives yeah really yeah yeah and it was like the worst draft we'd ever done but i think i did a better one this i think we really was it you don't remember no it was like if you if you smoke weed you're gay yeah it was that one or something yeah you're ass guilty guilty all right tee it up for us willie all right these are old wives tales that don't exist

um all right wait maybe this one's better it's like what are some old wives tales your parents told you growing up oh you know when your butt itches that means someone's thinking about it that's right uh did you know that if you run into the ocean too fast the sharks hear you coming and then they eat your head off hey what shabuya roll call my name is mary yeah and then what's dwight doing when there should be a roll call i'm going to the farm beat beat oh my turn yes uh if um like if you eat too many gummy vitamins your bones will grow out of your skin that sounds awful i like that my parents used to tell me if you ate too many of the gummy vitamins you'd throw up because they were just tasty and they didn't want me to get into

them for a snack is this not is this a oh this is like a dump oh no no this is a real thing and uh and then i tested it one time and they were right interesting sorry that happened thank you i've just been it's so refreshing to have someone it feels like finally someone's listening to me sometimes i tell lauren and will my problems and they can you cut his mic they just don't listen what'd you say sorry what i was just like thinking all right you're up are you am i up you're up wait right now you're up i did one merited one did you do one i've done one what'd you do i did if you run into the ocean oh yes you're coming and eat your head off um oh did you know that when you're pregnant if you crave paprika that means your kid's gonna be bi

Wow. Did you know that if you cough in church, you will be condemned to eternal damnation at the hands of Satan? Jesus Christ. And he will make it hurt. He'll make it nasty. I think one step of hell is just when you're making a left turn into a two-lane thing. You ever do that? Yeah.

I don't like that. I hate that shit so much. Oh. If you touch seaweed in the ocean three times, you become a pretty mermaid. Please. I know, right? That's a good one. That's a fun one.

Mine are pretty bad. Oh, if you're kissing someone and you both open your eyes, your faces will fuse together and have the point of one head. Yes. If you jump in an elevator, you've never seen any good movies. Okay. if you if you see your pediatrician after you turn 22 you age backwards into a child uh guilty yeah mine just broke up with me really they tell you you're too old

uh i've told the story before my pediatrician we his locker was next to me at the place we played golf and one time i had a physical in the morning and mary if you're not familiar they touch your wiener and gonads yeah and then we both left apparently we both left the office to go play golf and so after he was holding my balls i had to change that uh in the locker room sorry that happened to you again again you know the other thing that happened to you um oh another fun story i've told before my friend andrew went to get a physical and they were there was like a sexy nurse that was like doing her residency or whatever and the doctor let her do the ball part and he got a boner that is

i am so happy i don't have a wiener i had to show i had to go to the doctor like a week ago and i had to show this poor young girl my balls and uh it just felt wrong why i don't like i was always under the impression that's like a hippo violation that if it's a girl can't be a girl on guys They had a guy in the room watching while she did it. Yeah. My mom got a mammogram one time and it brought me – that's the one where they take your boobie and they squish it between two things. Yeah.

And she brought me when I was seven. It's called groping. Okay. It's called second base. Come on. Okay. So, like, anyways, she made me go because she was like, you're old enough.

You should know what this is. You're going to be a woman soon. And I was like, okay. and she had a male doctor and they had like a lady in there for her comfort and i just thought that was the funniest thing ever and i'm just in the corner like i'm watching this guy touch touch my mom i was like what the fuck yeah like why'd she bring me here before i say this mary you're is your dad your dad's not an ob-gyn no he's not a doctor i think that if you were if you're a man and you study for years to become a ob-gyn i think that's odd i do too

i think that's a woman's profession and i refuse to believe that yeah that like there's no like weird motive i would never go to a male ob-gyn yeah i would never go to one period um hey it just seems like an odd line of work for a man yeah it's like if like a woman wanted to be a urologist it's like you want to it's like if a woman wanted to play pro basketball yeah like it's like if a woman want if it's like a woman wanted to do any job it's like why are you it was cheap it was cheap you're supposed to be cocaine lip gloss cocaine lip gloss cocaine is for women and heroines for men come on mary do you know what both of them at the same time we're called speed speedball come on that's how that's how john belushi that's what

we killed river phoenix too yeah chris farley oh okay all the goats yeah yeah um i have never done heroin but same it sounds fucking killer i wouldn't do it because i'm ladylike it is not ladylike no that's the only reason you wouldn't do it i'm a lady that's why i get my nails done i want to do whatever that guy's taking and some like opiate in the white lotus you watching that Yeah, I watched it. Yeah. Oh, La Razzleham. That sounded like you did not watch it.

Don't spoil it. I haven't seen the finale. I'm not spoiling it. You're way behind. Yeah, Will, you don't know. No one spoiled it for you yet? No. I bawled my eyes out.

You watched it? Yeah. I thought you weren't watching. No, I watched it. Oh. Wait, that's just a downer. When did you get a sweater? Yeah, I want a downer.

You just need a downer. I have my dogs on downers because she's nuts. Nuts. She's like out of crazy control. She's at a dog. She's like fucking insane. She's at a doggy daycare right now, and there's a live cam. We'll put a picture of Mary's dog right there.

What kind of doggy? She's a boxer mix. Wait, airdrop the live cam to the thing. We can watch her. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here, let me. That would be good podcasting. If you eat lunch, you have mono.

Okay. That was my next one. Oh, you weren't done yet? No. Sorry. If you step on a worm, it'll burrow into your foot. I don't like that. I like worms, but I don't want to do that.

Burno. Do you guys ever put salt on slugs when you're kids? Salt on slugs? Doesn't it kill them? It scares them. Wait, why? Does it kill them? It just makes all their slime come off.

Oh, that's sad. Sorry, I did it like once. I just did it once, and I was too young to know. Me too. Salt makes my slime come off. There's a kind of slug where if you lick it, it makes your tongue go numb. Did you learn that firsthand? Learned that in nature's classroom in sixth grade.

Nature's classroom? Janine, I used to go to nature camp every summer, and Janine would kiss a slug. She's crazy. She was nuts like that. Did you see that teacher that got caught sleeping with her student? Yes. That's crazy. Wait, isn't that that doc?

I feel like that happens a lot. No, this happened like this week. She is like a completely normal-looking woman. She was sleeping with a 15-year-old. They got her in her car when she was with her husband. pull her over and like don't tell her what it is she has like a meltdown but basically like they found her phone and she was documenting she was writing down everything that happened in their relationship and she was like basically like manifesting she had like a manifestations tab

that was like he will break up with his girlfriend and like we will beat it like it's fucking look at her she looks completely normal wait there's so many the bottom right one there's another yeah There's like five. It's the bottom right one, this one. This? Yeah. Okay, blowout. Yeah, she's kind of gorgeous, unfortunately.

Okay, blowout. She got married in Italy. Smoke show. She had a good life. Imagine the cops find my notes app and they start going through it. They're like, none of this stuff exists. Yeah. Our notes app, if someone found it out of context, our notes app would be like-

The writings of a madman. Fucking madman. Mary, do you have any more? yeah that's all all right should we tee up uh disney shows boy you got it i have a sunburn right now i don't want to be at the beginning of the club okay these are disney shows that don't exist wait do it again i was talking these are disney shows that don't exist uh greek yogurt this fat this greek family owns a frozen yogurt shop but here's the twist they are all ancient greek gods and so they have to like teach the kids not to use their powers at school

and you get to just see them navigate life uh while wielding the power of the universe i like that epic uh acting a mule these two teens have gotten jobs summer jobs and then they find out they're uh smuggling fent across the south u.s mexico border they're drug mules and it's just about like the little hijinks they get in like falling in love and um dealing with border crossings and the sometimes pain of the smuggling game uh all while gearing up for another year of high school when they get back epic yeah um we adopted a furry this family goes to a shelter and they adopt a dog and then they find out that it's a grown man in a furry costume and then they just grow to love him anyway very well done thanks guys uh all right i got

i got late for class uh three brothers lives change forever when their youngest brother max invents a time machine no more tardies never late for a test everything they get to redo dates if a date goes awry and they have to be responsible with their time machine. I like that a lot. Suite Life Below Ground. Zack and Cody are trapped

in a doomsday cult. They believe the whole world has ended and that they are the only surviving folks left. And I guess Ashley Tisdale is there. I don't know. London?

Is that London? Dude, you know she's married to Macaulay Culkin? yeah they have children together i thought she was the prettiest jackie eats cody at the end mine's called hooped up on love yes yeah this girl she's like in love with this basketball player in her high school and she gets dunked on and then gets amnesia and when this accident happens he's like wait she's like kind of bad though and he's like in love with her but she's not in love with him anymore she has amnesia and it's all about him trying to get her to fall in love with him again i love it i like that a lot i like that like like she got dunked on so hard that like her glasses fell off and like her hair came down and she's like super fucking hot yeah

but she wasn't every time i dunk on a guy i hope that happens also that's never made any sense to me because people are still hot when you put your hair up and wear glasses and then but in the movies okay woke speak for yourself come on uh all right it was my turn i don't know secret prince the prince of england is fed up with one of the princes of england is fed up with royal life and so in an effort to get away from the paparazzi and the fame he moves to the midwest where no one knows who he is and no one cares and uh he's got to hide the fact that he's actually royalty while trying to live a normal midwest life i like that a lot thank you uh i've got fourth and evan about a kid named evan who's a genius his dad's a football coach but he develops he's

grows up and they realize he's like a genius at calling plays yeah so he's in the stands with a headset into his dad's ear calling the plays and then they get to the championship and the connection breaks out and he's like no and so he goes down on the field and then he gets the headset and people are like what is going on it's been he calls he calls spider 2y banana i love that that's gorgeous thank you that's fourth in heaven um help my parents just added a third it's about this kid and um his parents decided to have a throuple it's all about the trials and tribulations but also the goofs and gaffs that happen when your parents add third and you get a new a new pop pop or mama oh yeah i like that a lot uh i've got i've got a couple

that i want to pitch you guys that i didn't uh they didn't make it into our into my top three but i think you know how like every disney show there's like one cool brother and like one nerdy one or like one like one's always like what do you mean by one cool brother like he is one cool brother but uh i was thinking like let's just call a spade a spade here instead of like beating around the bush we should just have one called you know it's like zach and cody are like drake and josh and there's always like one cool one one dork they should just have one that's called hot and sloppy where we just call it what it is one's hot one sloppy i would click on that yeah i also had a medieval middle school okay middle schoolers uh fall into their scientist

dad's time machine they're found in the medieval times and they've got to act normal and go to medieval middle school and uh try not to change the course of history medieval middle school sounds tough yes yeah that does sound tough i wouldn't know anything about like probably like a lot of torture devices if you get in trouble oh yeah like when they get in trouble they get put in that thing that stretches you out to like 11 feet. It's a guillotine drama. Hey! I don't get it, but I trust that it's smart.

Come on. You okay? A guillotine drama? What is that a play on? Like teen drama? Oh, guillotine. Yes, love it. Alright, who's ready for Rusty's song of the day? Guys.

He just sings like a full song. Dude, this playlist after two episodes has 210 saves a lot of playmates jamming out to it uh we're shooting for we're shooting for a thousand saves by the time this one comes out today's song is called i root by uh michael now i believe and it's a great thing about rooting for your partner i believe i i just like the way it sounds but he's basically he's talking about how he roots for you uh you know through these different things and i really like it and it's a chill ass vibe i'm trying not to

just add my favorite songs like i wanted to make today's come monday but i feel like i already talked about that song too much but i'm sure that'll be on the playlist uh soon so this will be the fourth song we love you guys and i hope you go listen to it on spotify it's called rusty's songs of the day it's a picture of me in a fun hat that says uh it has some wine poem oh it says rosé all day classic yeah i love that don't talk to me until i have my wine don't talk to me until i have that's lauren you're like don't talk to me till i have my rum mary whose personality you're gonna steal this week this weekend oh god we can finish with mary okay uh i'm gonna steal on my buddy jeff's personality nice wow jeff friends with kenward i found out oh very nice

there we go that's just like he like had soho house and like she like down like that are you here all this week all week baby it's gonna be her married this weekend yeah let's do it i'm not doing shit let's do it um i'm gonna steal i'm gonna steal uh archduke franz ferdinand's personality because i'm trying to do i'm trying to ride into convertible this weekend i don't care about the consequences you're gonna take some shots yeah i'm gonna take some shots hell yeah i'm stealing um um the uh i don't know chris bryant's personality i'm going to the cubs dodgers game and i want to own the cubs no the rockies not i just want them to win i couldn't think of anyone on the cubs i'm going to watch the evil empire fall yeah i love that lauren

Whose personality am I stealing? I'm going to steal the personality of the little owl on the Duolingo app because I have a 300-day Duolingo streak. 300 days? Yeah. Say a sentence in Spanish. Spanish. Español.

Say a sentence in Spanish. Yo voy a Barcelona el 26 de abril. It looks like it's paying off. Well done. Y estoy muy emocionada. She just said she killed an animal when she was a kid and she doesn't know how to tell anyone because that's apparently a sign of being a serial killer. Mary, anything you want to plug before? Oh, yeah.

Where can people find you? Oh, you can find me on TikTok at real__mary__mother__of__god or on Instagram at mary.shallaby and I just hang out. Mary, tell them what to comment on this video. Comment what you think. Rate Lauren's brother out of 10. Yes. Yay. All right.

We love you guys. Have a great rest of your Wednesday. Have a great rest of your week. Have a great weekend. We will see you bright and early on Monday. Mary, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you, Mary. Thank you, guys.

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