Will & Rusty's Playdate - GETTING CAUGHT IN THE ACT w/ Luke Null

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/@playdatepod?sub_confirmation=1 Luke Null: https://www.lukenull.com Luke Null’s Special: https://youtu.be/lDqmVZTeMoc?si=wNrCuQ29mGShizfa GUESTS AND INQUIRIES: [e-mail] MERCH: https://playdatepod.shop/ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: Download Cash App Today: [https://click.cash.app/ui6m/ba1zl21n] #CashAppPartner Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Direct deposit, Round ups, Overdraft coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Our listeners get the Harry’s Plus Trial Set for only $10 at https://www.Harrys.com/PLAYDATE #Harryspod Ready to say yes to saying no? Make the switch at https://www.mintmobile.com/PLAYDATE . Live Better Longer! For a limited time only, our listeners  are getting 20% OFF at BUBS Naturals by using code PLAYDATE at checkout. Just head to https://bubsnaturals.com and you’re all set. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them our show sent you. Playdate: https://www.instagram.com/playdate.pod https://www.tiktok.com/@playdatepod Willy: https://www.instagram.com/willdonnellon https://www.tiktok.com/@willydonnellon Rusty: https://www.instagram.com/featherstonerusty https://www.tiktok.com/@rustyfeatherstone Andrew: https://www.instagram.com/andrew_nelson_ RUSTY’S SONGS OF THE DAY: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2e5sF4pBj2HBZDoMhymnNf?si=w38C4sjDT6i4OIXq9f_eSg SUBMIT YOUR BUSINESS PITCH HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdPHd7Ps9TaX-TOozyLhDpr9Y7pFNMP9PX7cHuLxap1R78GWg/viewform?usp=header SUBMIT YOUR AITA STORY HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdQElfqdQutn3dzl5HcZfey6YWhbVd-n6XE7FkpfosWZyYhyA/viewform?usp=sf_link 00:00 - intro 2:02 - luke null is here 15:27 - spirit halloween 28:28 - police chases 37:03 - willy in bike traffic 45:30 - sober october 1:07:24 - moving horror story 1:16:40 - murdaugh family 1:25:38 - drinking at harry potter world 1:32:14 - disney channel movies that don’t exist 1:47:00 - break up songs that don’t exist 2:02:02 - JOPO #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

i'm staying in uh in uh angus's room right now and i almost wore a uh a full fit of angus's clothes and then i'm like that is kind of fucked up you don't want to get you get bullied too walking around yeah everyone just picks on me he always wears that everyone says i get crentis crentis they changed crempus i guess it's like 2025 they made it they made a change this year yeah they they voted they voted oh yeah happy election day oh yeah more like erection day with the three of us hell yeah come on he comes in absolutely red hot we thought 8 a.m This is going to be tough. Nope.

But the actual answer is nah, nah, nah. Wait, dude. Are we rolling? Wait, are those backup mugs for you? You want one? I was about to say, I want to go get a mug. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's going to go through like five. I'm going to go through like, yeah, grab me a couple, too. Only the zeros, though. I remember one day you were like, I've drank seven mugs. That's like a date. He's usually like six to seven. bros aura farming a lot he said i usually oh i'll tell you that this episode is brought to you by cash app cash app protect my money

cash app what's in my pocket it's just like a hundred worms oh what is it he was like hey hey when's the last time you wore that i literally got it in the mail today i took it out of the package put it on farming with it yeah the last guy that was the last guy to own my jacket was farming yeah are we going andrew we are played it we got luke noel in the building what up i'll never die he moved to chicago i just moved to chicago how has that been i tell you what i've now been in chicago and again for like five weeks and for breakfast there you eat cheese with a little jargon there on there then you eat a hot dog for lunch you get al's beef dipped and whipped yes you get portillo's hot hot dog cake shake for lunch you go home

do it all over again you do a deep dish chicago style pizza at night and then um you drink 11 beers uh and you get on the train and you come back home and you stare in the mirror and you and you do it just cold dead eyes like and then you get up in the morning you do it all over again so it's good to be back oh that sounds awesome yeah straight up though just being back in california uh staying at liam's house and i'm like right away just like even coming in because we're doing this in the morning time i think people should know it's 8 a.m right now wait have you seen the thing where like on hot ones john millennium was like do you tell people that this is 11 a.m i was like that's kind of funny there's like breakfast for a lot of them

yeah yeah yeah absolutely melting your insides for but like i right away i'm like i miss i miss california man yeah i do it's you kind of got some chicago weather this morning though a little bit you know you know it's brought it with me here was it windy no but the the lady i can you can gauge how cold it is outside based off of our the windy city sorry i just had to get that in our parking lady is like very responsive to the uh to the weather have you seen like how her outfits change yeah yeah i don't know where's the lady at the lot yeah she did you see her this morning you always text like praying for a sundress day today i'm like jesus she's the parking attendant no i came i came today and it was it's medium weather out it's not like

noteworthy to call it cold but you could tell based off of her she was she was dressed for like the north pole yes and so i i hit her with pretty cold out today and she was it was like thank you finally someone has like talked about this i saw a guy walking his dogs today also like dressed in what i would describe as like you're doing too much yeah you're doing too much but i'm like there is when you're out this close to the ocean you do get a little wetness you get a little stickiness the marine layer you get a marine layer yes we're back on my side town talk about i'm talking about los feliz oh talking about los feliz bone dry all right it means like is it feliz or feliz man what are we doing feliz but like what it's one of those things where you

you know you're saying it wrong right but you also know that that's kind of the kind of the white people took but why would you say that wrong if when you're talking about the city in general you say los angeles los angeles that is yeah that's yeah that sounded a little more like damn good point that's not a little more uh yiddish can i tell you something please yeah i but can i do the first time i saw stand-up the first time you ever saw stand-up yeah yeah something we said earlier triggered my memory well yeah he's gonna clear his throat let me clear my throat do you guys mind if i tell you a story real quick wait actually i made a tiktok sketch like way back in the day where it's just

us at a table it's like all right now for the man of the hour and everyone's like ah and like one guy's like oh stop let's stop and he gets up and he's just like clearing his throat for like 10 minutes and never said anything tiktok took it down for like minor danger like what danger for people under 18 or like because it was like a guy choking who looked young i had a i had a beer review back in the day i get taken down for minor danger and we we were trying to figure out if it was because they knew i was under 21 or if it was just like yeah drinking 12 beers is like only putting you in like a little bit of danger right and if they're taking stuff down for minor danger they have to take down every drake video yeah these inspire danger to minors is it drink video

oh i said drake drake i did a jerk i did a drake uh like stab sex with kids joke come on man i did see that but he did he's the hot he did hotline bling so it's like he did hotline bling so it's like kind of at what point do we at what point do we forgive all the behavior wait anyway first time i saw stand-up i was in spain my host family brought me i was like studying abroad there i was 14 and uh we had like my little host brothers too and it was just super crass and i remember the comedian coming up to our family at the end and being like don't ever do that again because the whole time i was up there i was like god fuck there's like an eight-year-old in the front row like i don't want to do this joke but everyone else paid to see me do my act yes and but the

only joke i remember because it was in spanish and i was still new to the country at that point learning was he said like we got elections this year it translates actually very well to english so i'll just say it but it was like we got more elections than a chinese porno i'm picturing the crass jokes being like angus's bad words thing and like when he's jerking off into the crowd he like sees the yeah literally come on man why'd you get why'd you bring the kid i was gonna say has that ever happened you ever looked down the crowd like oh i don't want to do this song for that 100 okay yeah 100 it's like i've definitely done like seeing people who are too young to hear my fire hose of cum joke or whatever but then every once in a while i'll make

like direct deep eye contact with like a grandma yep yeah and then and i'll say in general the memaws and peepaws that come out to the comedy club like usually are there are not gonna like me yeah but every once in a while you get a memaw who's like all the way down and i'm like this is a good memaw right here and then she's a shelter from the storm because she can like be like oh i didn't know he's gonna be that bad but then it's like her outlet exactly like she's probably like freaky stuff when she was young and she's she likes freaky stuff when she's old too baby people are we not gonna look like freaky jokes i'm telling you right now some that don't go away she gets freakier his dick just starts stops working and she's like you gotta take one of

them boner pills from the gas station comedy club to hear about this stuff because you don't do it to me i know i'm trying to exactly i i i think of myself a lot like a stripper yes you know what i mean i'm trying to provide happiness for sad people you know what i mean those old people it's kind of sad because we treat them like they're like four years old when you're talking them like you avoid touching yeah i feel like they're they've heard everything that we could possibly think both yes and they also were the people who were watching like tv forever were like you couldn't say shit you know what i mean so like there's certain things where they're like they have a pearl clutch reaction where it's like my stars my star oh my stars oh my word

yeah there's a little bit of that but but i feel like old school comedians were like very crass totally so they heard it in the context of stand-up but if they saw it on tv yes that was different i think you're right about like the people who are coming to a comedy club yeah in general i think are more in general are more ready to hear some some wild stuff yeah versus like random me my people that is that you just plucking from any any town usa random me my people not going to be into my um there's a ghost that took over my body and keeps making me jack off too uh i'm stuck porn and then i and then i and then i come to and i'm like this isn't mine i don't like this flavor yeah they're like we don't know this needs work i feel like your act would confuse them

a lot because they're used to like don rickles type jokes where it's like one sentence and it's It's very easy to understand what's happening. Or like, knock, knock. Yeah, I just do a horse impression. They're not getting one of your songs, and then you hit yourself with your guitar, and they're like... What about X-rated Three Stooges? Straight up, though? Kind of untapped.

Mark it. Yeah, exactly. Full nude Three Stooges. Yeah, like he walks up behind him in line, and instead of doing it with the head, he fucks him. It's a curly type. That was a curly. And he's got a... Bring back a slapstick.

Finger in his butt. Three stooges, yeah. Woo! For some reason, he talks like Waluigi. Mo tells Curly to, like, grab something out of the dryer. And then, like, when he's bent over, we've all seen that one. We've all seen that. I'm stuck.

We've all seen that. That's an I'm stuck scenario. Here's my thing. if my roommate if i was getting something out of the dryer and my roommate started fucking me i would not like in the videos they're always they're always like there's something poking me i would be like i think zach's having sex oh no i i'm familiar with this i'm being fucked even though i don't know what that feels like i'm almost i'm almost it sometimes takes you out of out of the video because you're like no no she would know or she she would know i think that

stepmom would know she's being fucked also here's the thing they never in those videos they never talk about like after yeah they live they all live together yeah so like they'd be hanging out they'd see each other once she gets unstuck yeah he did you what's the vibe did you have sex with me while i was stuck in the dryer because my arm was stuck is that not now that i'm saying it out loud and i'm not horny right now because your brain kind of goes scratch or your brain makes some leaps when you're horny that is not allowed that's illegal no no that would be um stuck in the dryer no like having sex with someone who's stuck somewhere there's a little bit of uh there's a little bit of a uh i think it's a gray area because you could technically move the whole dryer

yeah you could move the whole dryer and yeah you move the whole dryer to the bedroom and they are able to consent no there's some consent uh fucked up in this about the i'm stuck uh but they always they always like they always kind of want it they always kind of like fill that plot hole by like once it starts happening they're on board yes and then it's like well why do they even need to be stuck it sounds like both parties want to just have sex it's yeah exactly because apparently there is a lane of guy who's like i would absolutely fuck my stepmom if her arm got stuck in the washer dryer unit only if she was immobilized because if because then i'd fuck her no one's ever asked the stepsister like why were you what was so deep

in the dryer that you needed to get why are you behind the dryer i've never leaned that far into the dryer i mean either actually one time i had a nickel stuck in one of my blades in my dryer and i did have to reach blades blades or like oh and then like like oh in the barrel there's like little things i know your dryer like the the back wall is like a jet engine just absolutely shreds your clothes every time you load it you're like fuck happy to get why did dyson make it this way that being said chicken and dryers what's that all about yeah they do chicken that's dryers dyson dude don't they do they make chickens dryers and uh large mammals in the pacific northwest i don't get the last one bison oh

are they in the pacific northwest there's like two i think we ran i think we killed them all i bet yeah big dead series we like ran all of them off can you look how many here's one for you they we like killed all the bison right right because apparently they may are like delicious right which you're looking at a bison you're like that looks i would eat that it's damn it looks damn good why when and why did we decide that cows and pigs and chickens are the best ones to eat i'm sure we've done a taste test but i'm like i would like for them someone to like get one of all the animals in the kingdom do a noah's ark scenario right and give let me decide yeah like how am i supposed to not know like our vark tastes really good yeah you know i mean like

a snake that's what i'm saying oh snake you get one of those like uh i've had snake you know you take that that test in middle school where it tells you like what type of emotional person you are where you're like an e-y-b-s or whatever i tell you like luke is like a looks like a snake aardvark uh anteater cow guy yeah yeah exactly t-i-t-s guy damn that means what does it stand for no no no huge like milkers oh big fat milkers yeah jahoobies jahoobies witness are you were you stoned right now no do i seem high yeah yeah no in a good way what was your did you do i'm high right now it's 8 a.m uh did i do halloween this year kind of what was your what was your uh halloween costume we were in ohio oh okay you're at osu

ever heard of it i've tried it if i was gonna do it i was gonna have to go to like a fraternity party which you have to commit to us did not sound it was he was asking if we did halloween this year oh yeah no i know same did you do something i did a corporate gig in cleveland and part of it was that i was hosting a beer pong tournament and so i went to a spirit halloween in south bend indiana on the way to cleveland and a lot of pope costumes there's a lot of pope that was my idea chicago pope dude were guys wearing pope with a white socks hat that would have been good we got i was in cleveland though and i'm like so i just but like i it had been a minute since i went to a spirit halloween talk about like a bleak place it's a

grim it's a spooky scary music blast the music and it's like you know it's like in an abandoned like right uh what used to yeah exactly this used to be a hobby lobby not good because you know outside of this season this is an abandoned building 100 is that and then for some reason they also like you're in a big ass like airport hangar of a of a place right but then they set up those little fake like black walls so you know that you're not even they're not even using the whole space yeah they're like set up a little fake thing and then you're like looking at all the knockoff like mario costumes and you're like bario or you know i mean like they can't say mario it's like plumber costume right shut up bario is actually not a bad one it's like a zanned out

mario it's a me he's like it's me bar he's really chill it's mario it's me mario it's me mario uh neighbors think i'm smoking dope the neighbors think i'm smoking dope it's not selling what were you saying you were sorry oh i had to be and i just bought a i bought a i'm a beer i was just a beer yeah sometimes like no frills let's just get straight to the point straight up i was like this is there was a lot of ones that were like boner jokes yeah you know my dad like the first year my dad uh was divorced he went as a genie thing that where he was like the lamp yes and i think he had taken off there was a there was an attachment that said rub me part and that was pretty weird so he didn't want he didn't want a component because but he was freshly divorced

which is kind of when peak season to get rubbed yeah i feel like that's a lot of guys would want to get rubbed no i think it was like i think it probably seemed funny in the moment and then when it was time to get ready for the party it was like oh yeah never mind did you see all the tariff stuff uh there were tariff costumes multiple tariff costumes and i'm like this is so hackneyed Then I'm like, I kind of want it. I was like, this actually might be, yeah. Do you see the shirt that said, once I was afraid, now I'm terrified? Put with tariff.

And I was like, A, that's not a costume. B, I'm pretty sure. That's not a costume. If you're trying to copy the song, it's first I was afraid, right? It's first I was afraid. It's once I was afraid, now I'm terrified. Also, that's not the words either. It's petrified.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. It was just a t-shirt. That pissed me off. and then there was a dress up as the list of tariffs it's literally the one i saw was just the list of tariffs and i'm like it's like or like the exchange rate or i'm just like who's buying this like when did the tariff they have i guess i guess they like probably have a team that's like throughout the year like all right this we're calling this one start making them and they just got way ahead of their skis they're straight up if you're trying to do something

that's like a trump adjacent kind of like costumes yeah it's just there's new there's so much new shit every 30 seconds you're already left yeah you're like that's like 30 things ago i think that if you no matter what state you're in if someone shows up to your halloween party wearing like the tariffs costume it immediately like the a stand your ground yeah you're allowed to shoot you get to shoot them with it you absolutely get to shoot there was a there was a woman they so this uh corporate gig that i did like they had like a costume contest and they're like some people were kind of going all out and there was one woman who's like kind of i couldn't tell if she was dressed up as a pregnant woman or i'm like or is this a reference to something i don't know

where there's and then i'm like and i literally had to be like is that a costume or are you just pregnant she's like i'm just pregnant i'm like sick sick no i knew was she wearing a costume on top of it uh she was wearing like it was it was confusing because it wasn't just like a pumpkin sweater or something you know what i mean like it looked like it might have been a part of it i'm like is this juno is this like a juno fit you know what i mean i don't know are you pregnant woody from j story that actually would be funny pregnant woody i say we go back and digitize the Should we all do that? Pregnant Woody.

There's a snake in my boot. Okay, am I? And I'm in. I was about to say, I was thinking. Morning, sir. Next year, I think we'll do pregnant Woody. Am I talking like that? No, no, no.

That was exaggerated. Now we're putting it on you. Now I'm scared I'm high. What's in this? That's exactly where we want you. Yerbas. Dude, they make hard Yerbas. Have you had those?

No. It's like a hippie's Four Loko. Straight up. That's like a... hippie for a little girl with armpit hair for loco exactly because it's got an upper and a downer in there right now i love an upper you guys were just at osu yeah oh h i am but i'll tell you what i went to ohio university so i went to not ohio state right not the you went to bob cat b-o b-c-a-t-s cardiac cats oh you oh yeah oh you oh yeah muck fiamme

our rival is miami of ohio here's mine they would sell shirts that said muck fiamme and i'm like i think you're we're allowed to burn down the school now my english teacher went to miami the one in ohio yeah and uh kids figured out pretty quickly if you if you told her if you made it seem like you thought she went to the one in florida they would get her like really riled up and sidetracked and uh i never understood that it was like that's a probably a better school i would want i would totally want people to think i went to the one so i think you went to the you have you watched uh the the netflix where there's five they follow five nba guys i remember watching the last season of it and it's like pretty it's a pretty fun show it's like you get to see them through the whole

season right and uh like last year they had like lebron or edwards exactly and like it was a good like i came away from it kind of liking everyone more and everyone and being like oh these are all fairly likable guys yeah or at least off camera you're like you see their at home life i just watched this years and i'm like james harden is such a cock oh is he right yeah i mean that was my takeaway from watching starting five i'm just like this guy is just so unlikable he's just such a wiener man yeah what does he do he's just when when like you get to actually like see his career zoomed out they kind of like give you his he's just uh bad vibes like he's like i think he's like your classic locker room cancer kind of yeah you know what i mean where you're like oh this

guy's like just no fun he's just kind of a kind of a bummer there imagine team doctor diagnosed you with locker room cancer right yeah you got diagnosed with terminal locker room cancer stage four but he's like he's like my girlfriend they're like interviewing his girlfriend she's like i didn't know that it was him and he he kept calling my phone uh eight times and then he eventually facetimed me and then i picked it up means like i'm like oh that's bad vibe yeah that's bad vibe wait so he only he he had your number but you didn't have his and correct he was spam calling you correct awesome for sales right seven touches yeah yeah you want seven touches yeah and that one of them is go to their house right step one go to their house step two wait in their

driveway they have to come out eventually he's like soliciting yeah he's selling he's yeah it's kind of like how you when you ask your grandma how like your grandpa got her it's exactly that He just would wait outside my classroom. You didn't even go to my school. He was my bus driver when I was 12. He'd say, Darlene, I'm not opening these bus doors until you go on a date with me. And then I'm like, no, no, I need to go to school. Yeah, he would drop all the other kids off and make me stay.

He would throw rocks in my window. My seat was the only seat that had a seatbelt on it. He was the only one that had a key to it. And he would always slam on the brakes. And all the other kids. Would just fly. Would just fucking fly. did you ever have like a bus driver's situation when you were a kid all the time there were a

couple there were a couple we'd won that we'd i'd won that came out unscathed in my mind mr brown was like the nicest guy of all time and then we had one i think i told willie this before but uh all year we were trying to get him to hit this one speed bump and he was like no guys this is my job not doing it no i'm taking this seriously like that would put you guys in danger and then on the last day he just had this like grin on his face and we were like are we doing it and he was yeah and he hit this thing going literally 40 miles an hour just absolutely bottoms out the bus all of his worst fears about hitting his

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nicotine is an addictive chemical let's get back into the episode i saw this video yesterday that made me laugh so hard where it was it was a uh you know when you get like a cop like axon body cam you get to like watch like them like pursuing some criminal yeah yeah it was the it was one of those and uh they're you know that new technology that cops have where they can catch a runaway vehicle with like that lasso i have it's like a net it's like a net that they and it like hooks onto one of their tires and then it's like they have a leash on the car so you can tear out the fucking axe dude the title was the title was cops recover stolen vehicle and it's like oh awesome because i've had my car stolen before i'm like this

this would be awesome to get your car back they get the car on the on the lasso and then the guy stops rozzy's cot puts it in reverse goes like parallel with the car and then just takes off and when when it reaches like the end of the slack it just rips the back two wheels off and it's like if that was my car like why wouldn't you just let him get away and like recover it later like now i don't have a car yeah the cops just so you know sir we recovered your car we got the asset you totaled it great like it's fully fucked it's actually 100 ruined hey so unfixably good news we got kind of a good news bad news situation we have your car in our possession but it is it is completely totaled cosmically it's uh completely destroyed also we uh we killed

the guy did he give himself up yes he did he was actually like he was being super cooperative have unfortunately we had to shoot him 11 times kind of get some of the heat off our back we just shot him with our guns bullet holes and we were we got kind of scared because of his mustache and we shot him 11 times dude i saw a video of a guy uh he was getting away from some crime on a motorcycle and he the newscaster you know and like that's on the news and they're following with a helicopter yes the guy's kind of giving like color commentary on it he was like following the motorcycle and the guy's clearly very comfortable on a motorcycle and the newscaster is telling us this he's like this is very impressive what he's doing he was putting

something in his backpack so neither of his hands were on the uh handlebars and the newscaster is like this is very dangerous what he's doing like like this you know only one percent of motorcyclists can do this and then two seconds later the motorcycle just hits a car going like 90 miles an hour and the guy flies off and the motor in the newscaster guy was like that is exactly what i was talking about that was very dangerous and it was like yeah we obviously can see this is dangerous this guy's yeah exactly from a mile away this guy is yeah going to die you don't need to commentate this we know that driving a motorcycle 100 miles an hour with no also having uh the motors like having a newscaster live like narrating right i think i remember one

time there was like a brutal car chase where the guy gets out and they're like zoomed in like he's he's now on foot running from the cops and it's like a local news guy being like and he's now on foot and he's running from the cops and oh you can see there's cops on the other street that they're gonna head him off so even if he jumps over this fence it looks like he's caught so and then he gets caught and then immediately the guy gets surrounded and just falls and then the guy goes and the newscaster goes and oh it looks like he's up he's surrounded now and oh get off of it get off it get off it get off it get off it get and it's like but it's like this is what you get for live

you know narrating this is like a fucked up thing I've seen one where he like jumps into the highway and they're like oh and he's running onto the highway and it's just he's clearly about to get smoked and they're still on it and then he's like uh oh okay pull off pull off it's like you know exactly what was going to happen they filmed like until they had

plausible deniability that they were like ah we didn't think that was it I was watching Cops I either told you about this or you were watching it with me it was like they were pursuing this guy and he runs into the woods and then I think he didn't

realize, he wasn't familiar with the territory he accidentally ran off a cliff and the cop followed him and they were both it wasn't like, sorry, a cliff is like a stretch it was like 30 feet though and so they both fell we watched that

I don't remember where we were watching this the guy runs off and then the cop it was like Looney Tunes where the cop runs off and then realizes there's no more ground have you seen the new cops crops crops it's like really it's like a midwest thing that sucks no what is it you're watching live streamed farming have you seen why did i think that i thought fuck no i got willie deed you got deed i got deed dude yeah i got deed indeed dude i i uh this is real you know segways yeah of course the guy that

invented the segway do you know how he died the segway he wrote a segway off a cliff wait that actually leads me into my next thing i wanted to say like oppenheimer he's like he's like what have i said what have i created i like to think it was an accident is that real i thought you meant he like got he was like these things are getting too powerful what have i done i must end this i am i am i am i now am become two wheels maker of transportation i am become malcom have you ever ridden a subway no i had sex in high school oh sorry my my neighbor patrick Hopkins had one and he said with that thing for

like I got roadhead on a segue you got roadhead on a segue it's like 69 and because there's only you can only be standing directly straight up it's a standing 60 her ankles are steering they're hard

to get off though because you yeah move them by leaning so like when you want to get off of it you're like if I lean at all it will move you're talking about just like the hoverboards I was

picturing the one but I'm thinking of the handles oh okay why'd your pat your patrick hopkins had like a recreational one he commuted with it no to where his they live in the mall no he works in city hall he was the town manager in lancaster and he i whenever segways came out was like what 2007 or yeah they were like we know we earlier than that like but they were like everyone was like an o3 where are they street legal no shot i mean i think he was on the sidewalk probably if you but he had he commuted every day wore a helmet and a segway and we'd see him going down the block every single day and it was cool i promise you when he was doing it it was cool it was nothing there's no shot that was

cool it was cool as a kid i was like that's fucking cool here's a my parents got a dumb ass car he's got that shit here's a segway for you wait did you hear my joke earlier no you said you know about the guy who invented the segway and i said oh that actually reminds me of another that's a deeper cut yeah but that's good or i said something like that yeah now i i just started thinking like you were saying like he was cool right like because this was like a new thing there was a like a narrow window of time where having a segway like was cool yes we're like but i'm like what do you think razor scooters will ever come back i feel like they kind of are now like kids in college i knew that had them and it was like kind of dude i ate shit on those things

a couple times going down like you hit one pebble of gravel like that you're going over the front the wheels are just solid so there's no like there's no give at all yeah there's no shocks or anything and there's also no ability for it to go over any obstacle like any anything will stop it and you will you're going over i remember like you know the brake the brake is also oh yeah it's designed to burn a hole in your foot i delete your wheel it was going down this hill in our neighborhood and uh and had to make like a business decision of like do you bail or do i get like a third degree burn on my heel dude i did uh you know my armpits torched yes my i've a i got chemical burn on my armpit damn i've had that before i texted footy yesterday

so we have we have an early tea time on wednesday and right now i was in my room trying to figure out if like i can swing a club because my armpit hurts so bad and i sent him a text kind of explaining what happened i was like if i was on his end i would be like this is the this is the fakest excuse of all time this is a willie d excuse why you can't get to someone's bike broke down you don't want to golf at six a bike broke down in front of me i was all backed up down the boardwalk let's rewind this real quick yeah willie texted us willie was gonna be a couple minutes i didn't need to hide he texted us and said uh and said the bike in front of me broke down uh we're in bumper to bumper traffic i picture everyone on the on the boardwalk like

lined up oh come on go ringing their bell yeah what's what's the hold up up there ring ring there's plenty of room to go around but it's just one guy like yeah i just come on asshole i'm just chronically late and i bike so there's never an excuse like if your guy drives a car you can be late and just always be like sorry my car my car car trouble bike trouble doesn't really it doesn't hit the same but i love that a guy's bike is broken down and they're saying still traffic is really good the bike lanes backed up all the way to the 405 i was thinking about about your show crops yeah i saw that show fucking sucks i saw first i saw a thing that could have been a good first episode of crops have you seen this this farmer in france people have been like squatting

on his land and he's had enough and so he just comes with the he's on a tractor and then he has his manure thing in the back and he just goes and just sprays every single one of them pull this up dude wait that's dude a cab dude i cut you off oh i was saying if i was if i was all crops are potatoes if i was footy i would i would he took it really well and he was like damn i'm sorry like he reposted but i would be like you were such a liar like that sounds like such a yeah well that's when you show him a picture of your chemical burn armpit that's true yeah is it was it deodorant that reacted bad i've had that happen look at this guys are trying so he's going to spray them with the manure this guy and guys are trying to break into his tractor to stop him yes well

because there was something about like they're trying to take his land or something he was like oh you're trying to take my land i'm gonna spray you with shit oh he's just absolutely hosing them all with manure that guy oh that one guy got oh my god fully well this is like a jackass sketch i no and the shit was all anonymously supplied yeah or it was all from my wife yeah you get hit with like a chunk of corn it's like human poop oh now here's all right so if you get sprayed like that with god knows what looking like a septic tank yep is it worse if it's human poop or is it worse if it's animal poop it's way worse if it's human poop i think so too i think it's worse if it's depends what kind of animal like

rabbit one rabbit or little pellets yeah there's a little butterfinger bb's dude yeah oh dude i uh i i still have nightmares about that guy that pooped on our fence that was the grossest human poop i've ever seen what the one out there yeah we have a video seen this video i have a video There's been multiple videos here of guys pooping right on this block. It's like straight licky. I was the only one in the office. It was a Saturday morning. Okay, grinder.

No, I had to grab. I was actually grabbing Lucy's, believe it or not. I came outside and I saw these two feet standing there. I thought it was Sam Barrett because they were his shoes. And then the guy just turns around. I'm like, huh? And then I just hear and a squirt of poop hits the wall and then lands on the ground. but was there turd integrity or was it it was pure literally like all lickies no sollies it

was a guy it was a guy that probably hasn't had food only drugs for the last 36 hours i i the first time i ever went to portland oregon they have a pretty they've pretty wild uh they got a lot of uh homeless folks there right which you know i lived in cities my entire adult life it had you know we out here you know i get it it sucks but it's part of living in the city and i was like that'd be a good news headline on on the homeless crisis luke noel says we out here we are here we are here we get it we're they're doing their best you know i'm walking around downtown portland i'm having a good time i'm i'm getting my voodoo donuts i'm doing portland shit i'm enjoying the city wearing toques exactly flannel exactly i'm starting a grunge band uh i

know that's credited to seattle but i think portland pine tree exactly i'm enjoying a pine tree from the top i i round a corner and i see a gentleman right blasting uh buckshot just liquid buckshot all over a glass door of a business that isn't opened yet and i just remember being like tough that's tough yeah that sucks that's tough yeah but then i'm like maybe that business sucks you know maybe that bar or restaurant maybe they wronged him maybe he was coming back to pretty woman them that's exactly right maybe he's probably pretty woman woman he's going back i mean imagine being like this is the this is probably a real day that like a portland barista has had where you wake up it is bone chillingly cold you haven't seen the sun in 104 days right

get in your car a little elliot smith's plan you wait that's like your that's like your thing you always say what so whenever we talk about the pacific northwest you always say i haven't seen the sun in 140 that is one of their things did my mom is that a specific number that my it's my my mom no it's a quote from my mom that's okay someone said so my parents had my second my middle sister in seattle oh cool and they moved from seattle to maine uh because they they came to maine for a vacation to see my dad's parents and my mom was like so happy to see the sun and she said my grandma said that my mom told her she hadn't seen the sun in 104 days they haven't seen the sun in 104 days now that's locked in your brain it's like a stim it's like

every time we talk about the pacific northwest i swear to god it's like i was like wait why have i heard that exact number before i feel like there was sometimes like stuff is just like hammered into your brain you don't even think about it like uh for some reason the number 75 just pops in my brain like i'm like dude i was out there for like 75 hours and i'm like and so and it took someone calling me out like my brother was like you say that you're why 75 you're a go-to and i'm like there are some numbers that are funnier than others when they're describing a unit of time totally shut shut it what's he talking about will's been on a six seven kick where it literally he's been going all my friends are into it so obviously i'm gonna catch rip rip one off for us yeah get

out of your system i'm not gonna do it it's fucking dumb it's fucking do it do it i'm not gonna do it what's the funniest what's the funniest number you can think of right now it's really huge among the demographic of my friends so i'm just trying three two one forty two wait what's the funniest number well that's the that's the oh funny breaking the color barrier in baseball yeah exactly and that's also the number i'm pretty sure 42 is the number of the universe that's the meaning of life and everything from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy yeah they say what's the meaning of life and the answer is 42 right isn't that right yeah that is right that is okay the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

uh i think 42 is a funny number for some reason i think i don't like 43 112 112 pretty funny rating numbers yeah we do it we just do a tier uh we do one of those tier makers based on uh how funny a number is 104 is S tier that's something like there's a kid out there live streaming right now 104 is ranking numbers and like Dorito chip players

can I ask a real question though please cause I really I can't do the numbers thing all day cause I have other shit to do after this what do you have to do after this I gotta play who's high that's true we do have a who's high video

I better get high i don't want to i'm also gonna be bummed if i'm not i'm the guy like i kind of want to get high yeah dude you know we were talking about before you got here that i'm like this is actually a good point and it needs to be heard by the listeners yeah you were saying that you just got done with sober october right right yeah it's the worst month it's the worst month to do it it's the worst month to be so at a really good point luke said it luke said he thinks and i agree now i think he thinks sober october is only a thing because it rhymes a hundred percent because october's month to do it is one of the best halloween october fest uh it's it's it's uh

football season yeah the amount of dry january's goaded yeah dry january makes more nothing going on because you're lying yourself holidays yeah exactly you just you just ate a lot at the holidays and you just lied to yourself for a new year's resolution that you're like i'm gonna be better yeah the amount of sundays that i spent this october that i will never get back that i was sober and i think four could have been i could have been blacked out drunk for watching football yeah bro i will never get those back you're never gonna sit there and watch seven hours of commercial free football completely now complete which isn't even commercial for anymore it's not commercial for anymore dude my dad just discovered red zone oh my now that it's

jumped the shark the text i got the first day he had it he could not believe the technological advances we've made as a society he spent his entire life just picking one game and watching that he could not he could not believe it he was like this is fucking awesome and then he immediately started pitching me it on other things like i had any say he was like why is there we got it we got to get red zone for college football he's like we need red zone for harry potter movies you skip all the in-between scenes you just show me the cool shit do you hear my new theory on best way to watch harry potter watch it in reverse order so baltimore gets less powerful so that he becomes eventually his ultimate form as he's on the back of the head of a guy with a

turbo he just kind of slowly makes his way into professor quarrels his head i i know it's 8 a.m but i've never had a friday beer go for real that's it's real i've never had one well you gotta have one wait can i ask you my real question though wait i want the first sip reaction oh my god redmond's gonna have a field day with this oh what the fuck dude i got a i got a bone to pick with redmond on the friday beers tiktok the flavors i just saw how i was gonna die that's the guarantee how is it how is it gonna happen how are you gonna die christmas eve 20 open too many 75 too many presents making love to my elderly wife

I'm trying to throw some hip in a way that but to prove to myself that champ still got it right but champ don't got it no more

and my I feel my hip click and my heart just gives out and the angels come down and scoot me up and they go here you go sir

one of these has been waiting for you kept it on us Dooley's waiting for you Dooley hey Dooley's here it's Christmas Eve it's Christmas Eve

2075 and you try it you sneaked down in the middle of the night 2075 yeah you love that number 75 i didn't even think about it oh that's a good point that's kind of weird dude see it's like baked in did you ever when you were a kid did you ever like uh slowly remove the tape on the present so that you could peek and see what you were getting 100 especially when you need to wait for one of your siblings to open it's no i'm saying like like weeks in advance oh yeah i would like definitely shake them and stuff see i would go for that i knew where my parents were hiding like in their room sometimes and like my they wouldn't put them under the tree all december

sometimes they would but then there were ones from santa yeah that they would keep like in their closet and i remember being like please tell me please tell me that they got me some star wars episode one figures please i need darth maul with uh the action figure that can swing the light the double-sided let's say right you know what i mean and i'm like oh new guy like a darth maul and he's just like in the local mall but he's darth maul maul darth maul he has two segways yeah yeah he's a double-sided segway so it's both ways if he like wants to go the other way yeah he just leans all the way forward wait i wonder if it's possible to ride two segways at once hey segway company sponsor us and then send us to make them anymore do you think all the companies are like

they're like why would we do they still do like segue tours of like you're right random ass cities maybe here yeah they do them in the parking lot here yeah yeah they do the parking lot they're like and this is wilden ellen's bike and this now and take a look at this lady she dresses very differently depending on the weather and this used to um be a chipotle it didn't anymore but it used to be and on your right you'll see a guy taking a liquid shit all over the front This is the language shit that Rusty was talking about on the podcast four times. People are taking the pictures. They've made it like a landmark.

Or no, it's the homeless guy's handprint in his poop at the Walk of Fame. It's all the best homeless guys from around town put their hands. The most homeless guys. What? The best. Did I say most? The best. You said the best.

I know. It's the best homeless. That's how they rank them. It's like the least. Most homeless. I'm most homeless. he's more hopeless than anyone else it's impossible to tell like what his articles of clothing used to be he's just jeans or as a shirt so sometimes that happens like uh i've been

now that i'm back in chicago i'm riding the train again right yeah i call it the l he calls it the l i call it the turn is that the thing no it's like the train but i said that's a i'm gonna go ride the turn yeah that's good um but uh every once in a while it'll be like around rush hour like a lot of train cars will be full and then i was like oh shit i didn't even think everyone's coming back or you know going to work or whatever and i'm like because i don't work um but then the train comes and my car is like packed car packed car packed car fully empty car and i'm like too good to be true i'm like but i knew right away i'm like something's gonna be up in here there's a reason why no one's in there sure enough guy in there lots of poop and pee all over the

floor in there and it just like the kind of like scent wall that hits you and you're like yeah i can't do it because every once in a while you'd be like i could do it i just want to see it out yeah yeah the most homeless guy ever has harnessed the power of his piss and shit and he's like hovering in the middle he's like a he's like a airbender you walk and he just throws a wall of poop at you yeah yeah he's he's he's airbender my mom sent um our family group chat a video of a guy pulling his pants down on the subway and rubbing it on the pole that you put your hand on and then sent lol cara this is probably how you got strapped when we went to new york that's actually really my mom's really she got this new puppy and uh the the

foster woman was like yeah she's done growing like this is gonna it is just she's been growing like a weed and she sent a video the other day uh i don't know why my mom gave her access to this but she had somehow gotten like an empty either like yogurt or like cottage cheese tub stuck on her head and instead of helping her my mom's just filming like cracking up being like sweetie just shake it off and then the dog shakes it off but she could have knocked all sorts of stuff over that's just a little look could have gotten into some that's just a little look into my family it's kind of what's a puppy name georgie georgie i still haven't met her but i'm very excited what kind of pup she looks like maybe like a little jack russell mix but she's got one of

those uh we we've only been a girl dog family girl dog girl dog we're we're really into rubbing in the girlies and sometimes i feel like i can't rub boy bellies because there's like a they're wieners in the middle and there's not enough nipples why is there why oh my god when i was a kid when i was a kid i was rubbing my grandpa's dog and i called him over frantically and i was like flora's got a tick flora's got a tick on her belly and my grandpa came over and he's like the most serious guy in the world he was like that's her nipple and then we just had to sit there and be like this is a weird thing to be talking about yeah he came over and squeezed it no well i just popped it so i don't know what you want me to do with that we burned it off

which is what you're supposed to do we burned her nipple off so uh thank you for reporting all right here's my deal with uranus you know the planet sure like this is your deal this is my deal here's my deal and here's here's your anus no my deal is they name when did they find uranus like in the last probably 50 years right what no they like the greeks galileo or some shit you're in this i yeah i guess yeah a lot of them are named after me i want to hear them flesh this out yeah yeah yeah where were you going you were getting them you let him cook you were letting him off the hook too early there where was that gonna go now what y'all do this weekend no it's tuesday

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cash it's got a little thing where all my cards pop out yeah love love love my rate it's the rich 2.0 too holds up to 12 cards plus cash and it's not just about wallets when you get with rich i mean don't get me wrong they have over a hundred thousand five star reviews proof that people love to receive them as a gift too uh but they also do stuff like power banks come on show them your power bank also sleek sturdy durable i mean i always am running low on juice look at that when i'm on the go skiddly skiddly right on there it's got usbc it's got lightning it's got all the good stuff dude and lose you you know i lose my wallet you can get the ridge tracker card so it tracks your wallet for you in like the find my app which is super easy peace of mind for holiday travel and

gifting i mean give a gift that stays out of the junk drawer and finds its way into everyone's routine right like you don't want to find it in like the back corner of the room like you give them a ridge wallet you're going to see them wearing it every day wearing it using it they're going to love it guys for a limited time ridge is having their huge black friday sale head to r-i-d-g-e get up to 47 off your order this is by far the biggest discount they've gotten all year that's ridge.com for up to 47 off your order during the biggest sale of the year after you purchase they will ask where you've heard about them please support our show and tell them that we sent you let's get back into the episode luke i want to ask you when you did snl you had donald

glover on how was he did the best really i love really nice the the year uh for me was not great right yeah i just like took a beating more times than not yeah like and so he was the host the second to last week i was there so i'm like riding pretty low like i'm like i'm gonna get fired they're not letting me do anything but like i love donald glover and i've loved donald glover's stuff for so long like i'm talking the derrick comedy was like huge for me when i um love derrick comedy childish gambino from the early days yeah i'm talking like on the derrick comedy website they had like little like click here to download the mp3s at the bottom of the like and he came in and uh to my little office and it was like not even the size of the set and

you know uh you get to like pitch them whatever you want you know they take the host goes around everyone's like little office okay night cool and he comes in and i was like trying to play it cool i'm like there's no wind in my sails i'm just i'm beat down and i'm just like hey man i got a song that i wanted to pitch you but i just want to let you know like been a huge fan for a long time love community love derrick comedy and then i said i uh i actually downloaded the original chaps gambino mp3s on the bottom like the the freebies and the minute i said that he went from like like just like feeling me out to being like to ride hard really like right away he was like dude you he's like what and i was like yeah man and he goes so right away we start smoking weed

in my office which i'm like this is kick-ass that's awesome and he goes i don't even want to sit on i don't want he's like i want to sit on the floor so he's so donald glover's sitting crisscross applesauce on my floor and i play him this song demo okay that i was like i just want to pitch it to him and he goes he goes do you do you sell music and i went what he goes do you like professionally like do you sell songs and i went no he goes you should he goes this is really good man and i went what he goes did you record that here and i was like yeah there's the the recording studio is on this floor he goes take me take me wherever you recorded that demo take me and i took i immediately take him to the recording studio and he doesn't know any of the words i

don't have anything printed out yeah and he like listens to it one more time and then he lays vocals on it on the track on a scratch track yeah and this was like the episode where he uh debuted this is america like this yeah uh you know and redbone like this was like that era yeah and i have a recording of me and donald like a demo and i remember being like oh my god he put he like gassed me up so much that i'm like dude this would be so sick he's like i want to do this i want to do this song in the episode like i want to do like a music video for this i'm like what was the song you can't hear it the song's title was this you'll right away you'll go obviously they're never gonna do that

the song's title was have you ever been horny in parentheses in a place where you shouldn't be horny and that was like the vibe i like awesome but it's like just like the way that andrew teed this up i thought this was a prank no no oh no it reminded me though because i just moved because i just moved it reminded me of like moving like have you guys had bad moving experiences i have had a pretty seamless yeah you've had easy moves yeah i then it's waiting this hasn't been on purpose this is gonna make it sound selfish i kind of i kind of like to slip in once whoever i'm living with has kind of already been there oh you you send in a scout i just no no like in at my current place i was in i was still in college when they were living there so i just

kind of like slipped in bought my mattress and then kind of like slowly built my room up in college we didn't have a ton of stuff right uh i've gone fully furnished my last two places have you yeah i haven't bought i've never done a fully furnished then if you trash it does the stuff stay um wait pardon like if you get marinara sauce all over the couch you're like we actually you know we actually were like we want a new couch and she was like all right as long as it's nicer than that one yeah so you just get so we just got rid of the couch that she left him got a nicer one but you don't like get to keep that couch now do you know that sucks see we sugs sugs terrell sugs yeah balsa hard university did he kill a guy uh

no he's on the he's on the baltimore ribs and they're all cheaters and swindlers ray lewis killed the guy ray lewis definitely got rid of a knife for a killer at minimum we don't talk about that enough ray lewis killed a guy and then his buddy was like i'll take the fall 100 ray lewis's uh uh can fuck off and he gets to be on he gets to be on like national television and we're like that guy killed the guy yeah yeah uh andrew you know this he killed the guy outside a night club i mean i'm not surprised and then his buddy his buddy was like i got you he's the scariest guy i don't have one friend i have nothing but hate for who they think they're gonna beat them bangles almost everyone do you have one do you have any friend that would take the fall for you

for any crime um let's say like oh i did have a year in jail no god no yeah actual jail time no but when i was a kid i did get uh maybe i was like 17 and we all went to the park where you're allowed to camp there the campground and we were just like high school drinking beers around the campfire man having a great time and of course some fucking ran a cop park ranger comes up and then they call the real cops so they show up like the guy's got a freaking infrared goggles we're like what is he doing with the infrared goggles and he's like i know for a fact you guys were smoking marijuana here and this was when it was illegal honestly if you if you get me with infrared goggles i wouldn't even be mad i'd be i'm just excited to be a part of that oh we were we were

dead to rights they had us right away we were just like drone strikes you yeah they delete us immediately yeah i basically walk up like i got him i got him that that used to be that used to be a uh running bit that i had with my college roommates which is like uh uh that that if you were so obviously high in public that there would be like a police sniper on the building looking at the scope and like they can only take the shot if they know 100 that you're high and so we would always do this bit like you would do something very very high in public and they'd be like you're sniping what you just did you just walk like metal mario dude you just did well it's like you know they're they're like they're like wiping those uh cartel boats like off the face

of the earth right now with drones like do you think we'll get to a point where it's just like a group of like high schoolers smoking in the woods take the shot and then like we'll get drone footage of them just dude that was it but what happened to cory be like oh he was in the woods he got got their bong was too bright a drone got him the cia took him out cool but yeah he runs his group now they they caught us with the weed but we had smoked all the weed and we and we got rid of all the beer cans so they didn't have anything other than just the bowl right and it was one guy that we didn't really know that well and they they got him with like a ticket or whatever like and they were like and the rent-a-cop guy goes i'm gonna let you guys stay and and have fun but

you you guys all need to chip in and give him money for for that ticket that's a 500 ticket and we're like certainly sir absolutely sir we apologize sir and then he leaves me like we don't fucking care about jason what's his name jason i think his name is jason i almost dropped last name too statham stay that was jason statham from crank to high voltage i'm smoking weed with jason statham and all my high school buddies and we got it and we absolutely let him take the fall here's one for you though i'm talking about i had a bad move right yeah i just moved right just moved to chicago but i had to move to uh new york that the year i was at snl and we uh lived on the 33rd floor of a high rise right okay which i don't know if you've ever lived

on a high like high up in a building there's times where you're like laying in bed and you can like hear a fire alarm underneath you and you're just like oh i die so someone someone is just like browning ground beef and let it roast too long and now i'm gonna die because i'm at the top yeah but we're moving in and they had like elevators to let us to help us move in yeah and they're like you guys have this elevator just for you guys to do your move great as we're moving in um they asked my wife like hey just so you know the woman on your floor across the hallway from you died an old lady who's been here since like the 70s she just died can we use your elevator your move-in elevator to exhume the body and my wife's like no problem rip it uh

i get in the elevator to go down and get another load and they wheel two corners wheel this body of this woman with a sheet over her in a wheelchair into the thing with me and i'm like oh and i'm just like okay cool uh and the corner i hear the corner's talking and then one guy goes she's definitely dead but just so you know the body is still settling so and then as soon as he says that from under the sheet i hear like the last bit of air coming out of it i was just like this is not gonna be a good year why did they let you in the elevator they just wheeled right it they didn't even it was just like and we're in and we're in oh and i'm just like okay sick well i think they did go do you

want to leave and i'm like i'm fine like it's it is what it is you know but uh i just remember being like this is a bad omen for what my year yeah yeah whoa yeah and i remember saying that to like the body's like good luck at snl i hope the elevator stops at the 13th floor and she stands up and walks out what the fuck halloween or she probably would say halloween What is the She probably said Halloween Halloween What does the scary lady in Jack and Cody say

Halloween She's a new ghost She's a new ghost She doesn't know what to say Halloween I'm still working on scary catchphrases Halloween I haven't found my thing

Skeletons Pumpkin and goblin Ghoul What? What did you say? I don't know I'm still Honestly I haven't had a lot of time to think of scary stuff

I haven't had a lot of time to You're kind of my first guy to scare Under the sheet it's like Taint What? I'm just trying stuff out Are you trying to be a funny ghost? We kind of don't do funny anymore

We don't do funny anymore Balls There should be more funny ghosts Mustard guests Mustard what what the sandwich goes are you ordering what is happening in the sandwich the wheat onion chicken are you ordering a five dollar foot long

are you ordering at chipotle mild corn cheese and guac and yes yes i know that guac is extra lettuce Is guac extra What if that's what scared you Testes Shut up Not the worst ghost This ghost fucking sucks

This ghost sucks My house is haunted But my ghost is kind of half-assing it My ghost isn't committing to it at all Nipples That's not scary I'm not scared of that i'm not scared of that baseball what who's on are you doing are you doing

who's on first third base uh-oh trouble uh-oh trouble uh-oh okay i want to apologize for the thing about i said about uranus earlier no i think you have to double down on it i forgot how old they'd probably named that shit i like that you thought that they just found uranus like 20 years ago yeah you said 50 yeah i don't know what i was thinking i thought maybe that was like a newer one no i think they're all all pretty old have you i've been getting those uh have you guys been getting like planet edits it'll be like sex it kind of like uh it like romanticizes like the planets it'll earth will be like oh like i'm i'm too cold like i need to you know get closer to the sun and then mars

will like come around and it'll be like i've got you and it'll like pull her closer what's your pull up what's your fyp looking like pull up like why is that your feed pull up like planet edits like instagram planet edits i feel like what you just described is like what a baby would get on their fyp go to that maybe it's that one i went i went double platinum in the family group chat yesterday because my because my british cousin yeah married into the family but she's from england and she sent like it was like everyone send your addresses for like a save the date for our cousin's wedding and she sent like united states at the end of her address and my cousin was like hey you i know you just became a citizen but you don't have to put united

states and so then i put my address and then i put earth comma milky way and it was it was it was an instant likes it was getting crying laughing emoji we're talking peel off two when people they it's so funny they don't just go for the haha they go and search for the crying laughing emoji yeah dude i uh i've got this group chat of like it was kind of like the the heavy hitters of my of my fraternity that like kind of still keep in touch you know the funny guys the funny guys and uh i had one the other day because everyone's a rather big guy who's trying to have like an earnest moment it's and that's a dangerous thing to do in that group chat and uh he was talking about how he just he just had some you know personal record in the gym

or whatever and how he's feeling like he's getting in really good shape or whatever and uh and life's actually been going like really well for him and he talked about how he just he just put up you know 260 on bench or something and and i was kind of waiting to see like what the is he gonna get dunked on or is our people are we gonna be like supportive of colin here or whatever pussy and i waited a second and i just said i i kind of mailed it in but it was like you're gonna need to be able to lift that much with the type of girls i've seen you take home and it got this chat was relatively dormant that day people were coming out of the woodwork hitting it with it went nuclear and then my buddy aiden buckley just took it way too far and everyone kind of stopped responding

to that and then like 12 hours later someone just texted like aiden what was that all about and he goes i blacked out when i sent that like he just got like too excited and he was firing from the hill i wanted to chime in yeah and then i and i did something that was uncalled for ready ready aim fire i do love because there is certain group chats where you're like am i gonna be earnest in here right like i got i got a group chat that's like just filled with a lot of my like chicago comedy buddies right and there's one of my friends is just like he he can't not joke you know what i mean he's like that guy where he's like they're like the earnestness button doesn't work anymore it's out of order and i remember one time like he came into the group chat and just wrote

oops my grandma died today wait is that real like he's like yep grandma died today we go you can't you can't say he had to throw that into like yeah yeah like like you can if you're having a tough day it's okay and you want to like talk to your friends but you can't say oops my grandma died yeah your buddy who's just longing for any sort of serious connection but can't he's just he hits a wall every time he tries to be serious that's this guy oops my grandma my grandma did a thing this morning she tried something new millennial grandma i did so i did a thing so i tried adulting today dude i've been watching that murdaw show you know that new south korean people yeah apparently this is a based on a true story but like they have to fill in a lot of they have to

fill in a lot of gaps in like hard fact with kind of like dramatized conversations so it kind of i'll have to google a lot of stuff like is this did that actually happen or whatever and there one where the they're trying to the show is trying to tell explain to you like how fucked up this family has been for like a long time and that it's not just this new group but like the people before them were also kind of messed up the grandma apparently complained to her husband their grandfather grandfather about how she would she hoped he would stop cheating on her and his response in real life according to this hulu show is that he called the newspaper and told them told them that his wife died and to print her obituary and so that did happen in

real life she's i didn't look it up yet but in the show that happens and she is fully alive and is getting their house is getting calls because her husband was like she's dead she goes can you stop cheating on me and he goes all right and called the newspaper and goes my wife died print her obituary she's dead to me she's dead to me yeah that's kind of awesome but that's if that's not true that's a weird wild thing be a weirdly writer's room went crazy on that one what if there are a couple of conversations where i'm like you almost find yourself like kind of siding with them right where you're like you're like okay they might have been bad but you can't just make them say whatever they want whatever you want in private like they just make up these whole

30 minute chunks where you're like you would have no way of knowing what happened in there 100 and there's a lot of that with any sort of like historical like non-fiction like like any movie where it's like you don't know that like the movie napoleon or whatever like you don't know he said any of this shit you know what i mean like yeah but like the murtaugh shit because it's like relatively recent like my my we have like uh extended family that lives in in south carolina and like anytime you go down to south carolina and you mention the murtaz without fail anyone any any play date what are the what are you what are the play date playmates playmates any playmates out there that are in south carolina they all everyone in south carolina has a story about how

they tangentially know the murtaz whoa every single person you know i'm from south carolina yeah oh shit so do you know the murtaz i don't but you know someone who does but i know someone who does yeah i was aware of who he was because he was a big i was in the political scene and he was like a big-time columbia lawyer yeah he's in the political scene have you guys watched the doc not that yeah i watched the doc there's here's here's my critique of the doc uh you know how they use a lot of like snapchat footage from these if there's a recent crime a lot of the like footage they have is with like filters and stuff like that it's just like found footage on these people's phones the paul the son that got killed right for like a large part of

these clips that they have of him he's wearing completely normal clothes but he has he has sleeves and gloves on and they never tell you why and that's what i hate about some of these docs are like we're not going to explain what he's doing there's a thing that like it's kind of insignificant but i wish they'd just quickly go yeah hey he something happened and this is why he's wearing these pull up like paul murdaugh sleeves and like it's like it's why does he have a cricket paddle it's something you've never seen a human wear like paul murdaugh wearing beekeeper suit he's always are we not going to acknowledge beekeeper suit dude it's like sleeves and he looks kind of just on first look and as he's scrolling quickly through he looks a little like

liam why are they not showing his why are they not showing that that is liam yeah yeah wait so for anyone that doesn't know what the murdoch oh yeah family is what is it to you i don't know oh okay yeah murder family they were like so they're like this uh legal dynasty in south carolina like their great-grandfather started this firm and they kind of just got like more powerful as time went on and they there were all these like deaths that were kind of like tied to them but no one could like prove like this kid died that they think was like dating buster and they like hit him with his car i don't know and then uh paul was driving a boat hammered hit a hit a bridge a girl fly one of his friends flies out and dies and he gets off scot-free never goes to jail and then like two

years later paul and maggie the mom get killed at their property called moselle which is like they're like hunting property or whatever and the dad gets convicted for killing them they think that he killed him he was also like addicted to like prescription drugs and was like had a lot of um like fraud stuff with the money and they think that there was like more complicated stuff there's a i'm not doing it there's a basic no i think in general you wrapped it up pretty good where it's like this this guy did just non-stop crimes yeah like like there was just a lot of bad bad murdery bullshit happening with this family before he even killed his son and wife whereas like the son had like a like a like a closeted gay relationship and like suddenly

the kid the the gay guy like it turns up dead yeah and they're like oh i wonder why and you know there's just like a bunch of tangential deaths around this big thing happened and then they kind of started unpacking everything right all started did the dad represent himself in court no i thought he did oh i think he did i think he did because he was like that's part of it too is he's like very uh uh inflated sense of like he can get away with anything because they have this was the first thing they it was the the first time they ever were held accountable right okay yeah like they there were five bodies in six years that were tied to their family and they only got he only got caught but yeah because he's like in with all like and he's currently in jail yeah so

they said like like if there was a trial in hampton county or whatever it was there uh he would be buddies with the cops that did it the judge that was like presiding over it and then like most of the jury knew who they were and were like scared of them see that set that photo second row all the way to the left this yeah click on that right there so that girl that's that's liam straight up that girl that is pushing the like beer funnel or whatever into his mouth is paul's girlfriend that in and of itself if i was her parents i'd be like they were in like high school yeah i'd be like you know what no you know what i don't like that actually i wanted to find this picture i can't believe there are none of pictures no pictures with him with these sleeves and gloves

on it is like every other thing in the documentary he's wearing these these cloth wait why don't you search sleeves we tried and it didn't come sorry i didn't know like he's wearing i don't know why i hope if i get killed and i'm wearing something real like my bq pursuit or something i hope they don't acknowledge it i hope they go no he wasn't wearing that in when he got killed but he just like he's always had bees he's got bees but do you know what i'm talking about when you're watching a doc and you're like can you just address that really quickly so that i can focus on the more yes yeah somebody somebody that has watched the doc please find these pictures of him with sleeves on also side note when we went and got hammered at uh harry potter world and uh star wars world

oh yeah which one did you get more hammered at harry potter a hundred times i haven't seen you since that i'm about to say that was the most drunk i've ever met uh harry potter what a hammered that bartender was coming after us heavy he was trying to kill us yeah it was at like i had so much anxiety the next time i was like what the fuck happened at harry potter did you hear about willie and i's fight on the way back to the car we were arguing about whether we had ever gotten it was a pointless argument i was arguing that we did get on an escalator and willie was arguing we did not and lucas we're trying to find the car was like the car lucas said we were ready to kill each other with our wands over over like i was like we never took an escalator i was like sure

like i remember doing like like childhood tactics like okay yeah sure whatever you want we didn't get on an escalator you fucking idiot we were screaming each other and then and then flip of a dime just went back to being friends we went to trivia yeah fuck yeah we went to trivia and went out that night yeah i uh me and caleb got on a ride yes and when we were in line for the ride these two little kids cut us i'm talking like eight year olds and i'm like hey uh-uh you're not cutting me and they were like fuck you fuck you and i'm like i'm not letting then so i'm like no no no i'm staying with like they tried to get in a different line and i'm hammered and i tell caleb i'm like this i'm not standing for this injustice and so when the lady's

like how many in your party i'm like four we're with them and they're like we don't know you and then they see me and caleb i'm like yeah we're there we're their guardians and then the kids go you guys are gay and i'm like yeah and there's nothing wrong with that okay that's yes we are and then i'm like let's get in here and so we literally get on a harry potter ride with two little kids not enjoying it just fuck you man fuck you and they don't and i'm like fuck this shit you're not cutting me and then the picture gets taken and there's a picture of me and caleb riding the harry potter ride with two little kids in it and we bought the picture caleb has it in his office oh really oh i gotta go see that but in the moment i i know like caleb stone sober or

pretty much was like don't pick a fight with little kids at harry potter world and i'm like no have you uh fuck this caleb also told me that like one of the kids just like was on tiktok live stream like the whole ride like he had his like phone out was just screaming yes i arrived wait mike evans just retired oh nice dang mid-season yeah well he's injured he got hurt Yeah, I think he just called it quits. Dang. Hall of Famer, dude. Is he for sure?

Yeah, he had like 11 straight thousand yard seasons. He's an all-timer. Consistency. Do you know what VelociCoaster is? Yeah. Where is it? I'm sorry, I can't keep it in. He did not retire.

He got Mike Evans. Sorry, that burp just was my... Oh, Andrew was in on it too. Andrew was in on it. He didn't do anything, but I texted him that I was going to do it. Mike Evans does? he's doing a Mike Evans launch

you couldn't expect a guy that we were like more indifferent about we were like oh hall of famer for sure you should have seen your face you were like

oh okay you should have seen it and then Luke's over there like oh okay nice I was like weird for a guy to retire mid-season

anyway you got fucking oh that is fucking textbook I've been on all episode I've been sweating my bones

alright what were you saying about oh we went to we uh the the texts are starting to fly in our cousins group chat about like uh you know the the annual universal trip and so two of my cousins have this pass through my uncle that lets you skip the line and so they're grandfathered in obviously on the trip and then i'm grandfathered in because i'm closest with emily and we're kind of like with if the two of us aren't there it's not as fun of an experience but our two it's the rob gronkowski uh uh military insurance commercial where you you're in enough yes you know somebody who's all the way in and

and so everyone's kind of trying to battle for those last three spots right now and we got a text we got a text from the two cousins that joined last year and they're like hey you guys ready for our annual trip like trying to make it seem like the five of us are all grandfathered it's it's just three of us and they sent this photo from velocicoaster luke this was my first ever first ever like real roller coaster this is framed in my bedroom and i'll slack this too this is it looks like i'm getting sloppy mr b is a velocicoaster that a hang down it's a suspended it's like the most uh it does everything it does everything but there's no shoulder pads look at my face in this so those are my two cousins they look like universal employees

like they were paid to look that look like they're having that much fun and i that was the most scared i've ever been in my entire life the way that i when it when the picture popped up i thought somehow you were his hand that you were that that was either your hand or you were holding his hand and i'm like you're holding his hand in front of you or you know what i mean that was the most scared i we have ever been and ever will be because you don't everyone tells you like this this is a legit roller coaster but it's impossible to prepare yourself for it dude when a coaster has like that your only lap bar yeah when it makes you feel like i'm gonna die dude you go upside down for like 15 seconds there's one where i think if i reached high enough i could touch the

water when we're upside down like it spins you right on top of it should we go to the great bear no is that great bear lodge great bear lodge this is a roller coaster that's great wolf great wolf lodge that's where that's where you can go see your dad get really hammered and um uh squirt 16 year olds uh with the little like fountain thing across the way you're like i think you gotta stop there's that one guy who uh does it too much there's a family that's clearly in from another country and they're like just enjoying their time in america and the guy tracks him does not take it off one guy for like 45 feet and the guy's having fun for like two seconds and then at the end he's like stop it stop it you're talking about the specific video yeah

yeah but that's also that's my dad yeah i think he was just saying like generic archetype oh oh and then you were like yeah and then there's that one guy and then it just got crazy no there's a video of a guy we watched that one that one's brutal but that's my dad is the guy up on the thing doing that and i'm like you gotta stop should we do our should we get into our drafts let's do it are you excited we skip all the other segments dude i'm about to say i don't even remember the draft should we do breakup songs first or disney channel movies i disney maybe then i would go disney first yeah i got more disney channelers have you seen this luke is that peppa pig peanut

can i see it that's a bad dude he's been he's been uh he's actually been getting really good at this we'll be looking for something and he's like oh oh oh oh actually i have that and then he'll pull it up i don't a peppa pig penis as though you have uh actual information is a good bit that's a good bit that's a good look approved all right uh let me pull this up these are disney channel original movies that don't exist all right the rooster the nerd at school using dna editing uh technology that he created will take uh all the sexual attractiveness out of the hottest guy in school and give it to the nerd making him irresistible to women and the hot guy unappealing and the hot guy is trying to figure out what's going on and how to switch him back that's fun

i like that you probably you guys are probably wondering why they call him the rooster why do they call him the rooster because he's uh because he's giving out so much cock i think we can be done yeah you guys good for the day i think we're good i love that i have ones i kind of have ones that are just the title of the movie and then i have ones that are just the description of the movie and i have very few that are both perfect here's ones that's just a description of a movie okay a kid zaps himself into the future and like maybe he has like a time machine or something and he realizes that the garbage man is gonna hit his dog and so he zaps himself back in time a week before and he coughs all over the handles of his garbage

bins so that he gives the garbage man covid so that he'll hopefully he'll be too sick to hit his doggy next week that's actually really good i don't know what a title for that would be maybe like the rooster too in parentheses it's a dog it's a time machine dog thing the rooster the rooster to double the cock double the cock the new normal sort of a commentary okay i think my dad's a pirate three teenagers must live their normal high school lives while trying to unpack their father's secret when he shows up one day covered in barnacles they realize they must stop him before he walks the plank wait can i that's that's kind of cute i have one that also starts with i think my blanks a blank is that like a i think that's a is that like a template yeah i feel like it is

okay i'll save that one for last then uh this one's called my prom date is ai boy doesn't have a date, so he begs his dad, who works at OpenAI, to make him an AI girlfriend who's so fucking hot. Like, oh my God, her body is nuts. How is an AI body that fucking hot? Oh my God. Willie did something like that yesterday and it was killing me, so I just wanted

to do it. Wait, can I tell you my Office episode? Yeah, wait. This is where I stole this from. You didn't steal it. It's my new favorite, like, cadence that Willie uses. Office plot that doesn't exist. Dwight throws shit up his fucking mouth. He's so drunk, he's so fucked up holy fucking shit what a booze bag whoa what's ryan doing the worm nice moves okay pam okay pam

pammy get it jesus todd packard just got shot the funeral's tomorrow and michael still only has a woman's suit it's so i have a question now that i like do you understand like the cadence that i love that is that like because i'm your buddy can i also do that yeah you can do it because I was cracking up this morning. He doesn't have a patent on that. I don't think I innovated that necessarily either. What's Ryan doing? I feel like Luke does shit like that sometimes.

A lot of mine are in that same lane. I think he kind of has that. I got one that says, my daughter's date with the president. There's one called my date with the president's daughter. Oh, my daughter's date with the president. It's about like your daughter gets an internship at the White House. and next thing you know national affair breaking out uh here's one here's one for you this is a real one that i actually want to see made okay this one's called freaky friday 2 the fake out

okay a dad is driving his son to drop him off for his freshman year of college and he claims that they freaky friday at a rest stop but the son is like nah dad we didn't switch but the dad claims they did but he clearly just wants to drink beer and fuck college chicks and he insists that his son has to bang his mom because technically he is him that's that i like they should make that i like that a lot and he keeps acting like he's getting electrocuted like he's we all be just freaky friday whoa whoa he clearly wants to uh beer bong off a co-ed that's all he wants uh oh my god wait this is not a prank colts are trading two first round picks to the jets for sauce Gardner fool me once shame on you no I'm serious okay we're not a sports podcast I just got that

notification I'm a Jets fan that's huge here's the thing he's trying to be our best player here's the thing if that is true let's let if we're getting pranked right now let's let him feel good right he's pranking us whoa that's real whoa yeah but you're like the boy who cried what are the odds that big NFL news breaks right after I do the Mike Evans also two two first rounders for sauce gardeners i feel like an overpay and i i understand sauces that dude oh oh yeah he did get traded oh he did oh sorry willie don't i'm sorry dude how's family two she makes his effortless homemade tomato gardener oh a sauce garden just googling sauce rock wait sauce garden oh that's actually true see it's real oh damn i think my step

brothers the king of england and it's i just had a visual of them at wait you skipped me oh oh sorry that's fine go ahead i just had a visual of them at breakfast and they're all like americana like normal teens and then there's one guy in like a top hat and it's clearly the king of england they don't put any more effort in it's like they kind of just mailed it it was like cadet kelly had such a good run that they were like there's something here he's like oh i have pe today and he's like oh i've got to meet with parliament yeah he's like to meet with he's like uh he's like winston churchill was my friend before he died dead giveaway you know what i think i'm gonna say it i think my i think pretty sure my stepbrother is the king of england all right on

a roll beheads his breakfast off with this is that do you associate that with being a king of Wait, he beheads his breakfast? Get to go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Okay, on a roll. 12-year-old Thomas is sick of hearing that bocce is for old people, and he sets out to prove it. Yes!

Winner, winner. Walk it in. Winner. The best one has been done. we don't need to do anymore because the best one has been done it's a crazy feeling to like witness history in the moment and he sets out to prove it did you did you guys hear that will just retired because he couldn't get funnier or better oh i thought you're gonna put your belt around your neck

i actually love that one i love that one because it was what it was right right now now after you hear that this is going to sound real good luck of the irish too i do a lot of sequels i just looked up what are ones that already exist and what's the sequel luck of the irish too a kid challenges a leprechaun to a skateboarding contest and the leprechaun loses and so he has to be the kid's slave for all eternity but the kid's like I'm not into that at all and I don't want that but unfortunately those were

the terms he agreed to and they are clearly stated in the bylaws so he has to accept that he's now a slave and he just has to come to terms with it I gotta just let me rip these so I can be done with them and then we never have to talk

about him ever again Johnny Tsunami Tsunami uh and johnny's now grown up and he's got a d he's got to deal with a huge divorce legal proceeding and he's hit with an absolute tidal wave of alimony and other various settlements and it's called johnny sue not me nice nice now we're fucking talking now that's good stuff johnny sue not me oh this one is pretty much the one you pitch i wrote the lamest kid in school becomes the coolest kid in school overnight it's called timmy sells pills now

that is it's kind of funny that's rooster to think back on it like obviously not to the extent of selling pills but there was like a kid that was just in the cool group because he could like supply something 100 why do we put up with that guy it's like well he he has a connect his mom's almost never around so we kind of just like use this house his mom doesn't give a fuck about him and we can do whatever we want in his backyard and in his basement we're allowed to finger it or what about losers have you heard this one a group of high school castoffs joined together to create the hottest dance troupe tom bradley international high school has ever seen until they're all paralyzed in a jet ski accident then the movie's about their slow

and painful recovery process oh it's just brutal oh wait i got life but it's called the losers they're fucking losers all their legs are fucked the shaggy dog too locked in mom and dad's room on their anniversary that's where you get turned into a dog and then you have to watch your mom and dead fuck oh no um i don't know i don't know why this isn't this there's i start to phone him man yeah all right how many did you do i wrote a bunch of them and i'm like some of these will be we can use some of these i wrote like i don't know a kid gets turned into a baseball bat and the only way he can change back is if the lamest kid in school uses him to hit a home run it's called baseball bat curse in parentheses he ain't ever turning back that kid is lousy

wait lousy's kind of a great word lousy a kid gets his dad's credit card and buys all the possible skins and emotes on fortnite and then the kid's dad gets so mad he turns into a baseball all of mine just start to be you just start to do all baseball bat related things and then my final one is a for disney channel movies that don't exist but should exist right this one's called true confessions a movie where shia labeouf plays a mentally handicapped guy and he goes for it he commits heart he goes tropic thunder full he goes for it all the one second here oh i'm seeing that that one actually already exists that is a real movie where that is a real thing it's called true confessions i know that because i googled and i looked at a list of existing disney

channel movies and that's real and does he have like down syndrome he goes for it let's just put it this way he goes he goes for it he goes for it let's watch the trailer wait pause it for a second pause it the scariest thing they could come up with or i think the thing that would scare a mentally handicapped kid the most is are just books books are scary just the light the library is so overwhelming yeah that's scary doing decimal system is over oh my god in his defense i've heard a kid in my middle school make that exact noise He is kind of kneeling

That's spot on Kids with special needs usually like being backed into a corner And he goes I gotta reorganize those books Excuse me This is a library Perhaps it would be good if you that would be the part i would get cast as librarian who scares kids especially

and then doubles down that they need to quiet down so i've spent my entire life going what uh child above seemed pretty normal what sent him into a tailspin i bet he wrapped true confessions and was like what the fuck am i doing he's like i gotta make peanut butter falcon just to make it right so that that was released april 15 april 5th 2002 so 9-11 happened and then they immediately were like like this is what the country needs right now we need to band together we need to come together get shia labeouf in clothes that don't fit let's put them in a library make him scream in a library let's have him do the squeaky scream you know the one there was a kid uh that i went grew up with who had something something's going on and this was kind of before

teachers were like totally prepped on that stuff and i asked our art teacher one time like you know what like what is what's going on there and her explanation is truly what she said to me she said he can hear light bulbs and that's why he gets freaked out i think my wife has that she said we were we'd be sitting in art class and if he'd like if he'd like yell or something her only explanation was like surely he can just hear the light bulbs so he's not a superhero he stopped he has like a he has special needs she also told us to kids who i can't obviously have to take her word for it you're like okay i was like yeah that's the problem insane i guess that's why aiden can't be in here

it's always aiden he needs a candlelight he needs candlelight um my mom's a special ed teacher and she was like uh she would always go yeah the kid act up today because uh i didn't have his mouse pads nearby and i was like huh she goes he needs tactile sensation he needs his mouse pads rub if he doesn't lose his marbles if he doesn't he gets pissed and i remember being like i need I need something like that These are breakup songs That don't exist Breakups

Oh you I'm going I was about to say For you I'm making you sing Your breakup songs Leave it for me as you go It's about a guy

He's breaking up But he really wants her To leave him a little money Before she leaves So he can get like Treats or like a dinner Yeah Girl

well we've been walking down this long cold road so if you have a little money left can you leave it for me as you go i might buy some airhead extremes tonight because if you're gonna leave You better leave right And you know I'm poor So I really need a little bit of money, girl Little bit of money, girl Poor I'm so fucking poor

A little bit of money, girl Give me Like 20 bucks even I literally have nothing once you leave Can I have a little bit of money? Just a little bit of money, girl leave it under my door oh i'm trying to buy some pringles

maybe even salt and vinegar salt and vinegar but if you don't leave enough i'll just get original dude in europe their original flavor is paprika really get fucked like why is that yeah it be the default um all right i got don't look in the cupboard it's about a guy getting broken up with but the week prior he shit his pants and he had to hide his poopy underwear in her cupboard and he hasn't had time to go get him yet so he's he's getting broken up with but he's pleading with her to not look in the cupboard and to let him come over one last time to get it's been two weeks I gotta get my stuff, girl Get my stuff, yeah

It's hard to see you after all the things we said and done Just let me come and get my stuff And this'll be over quick As soon as I come on over And get my bag But don't look in the cupboard Just put all of my other stuff in a box So I can grab it

But do not open the cupboard that you do not open often do you remember when you made that chili and you made everybody eat the chili and then i was like i gotta go to the bathroom and then i did and i was like actually never mind i don't have to go to the bathroom because i already went because i already went because i already went and i'm kind of in denial cause my pants are in the cupboard and i think that i can get them dry cleaned. I don't know why I would get them dry cleaned. They should be thrown

away. They should be thrown away. Just don't look in the cupboard. I love you, Mom. That is one of those where were you moments, I would say. You got something for us?

Okay, Groove only broke up for you start over this one is from the ladies perspective this one is from the ladies perspective only broke up with you cause you only had one thing

I did not like only broke up with you cause you had a little patch under your but above your goatee But what I'm saying is you have a soul patch and you got to go. You got a soul patch, man. You got to go. I can't introduce you to my mom.

She's going to be like, I like Brian, but he's got a soul patch. No other facial hair, just a soul patch, only a soul patch. That one's called, you have a soul patch. You got to go. I, sometimes I worry I'm going to have a soul patch. i've grown one a couple times with the mustache and that is with mustaches forgive me pirate yeah it's different when you have i feel like my mustache is in a really good spot right now i'm kind of happy with where it's headed um is there a point where you start growing a mustache

where you're in that in between where you're like i don't like that this is every time i decide to grow a mustache i uh hate the way it looks for the first two weeks so the mood if you can fight through it and grow a beard first then you're good but you look kind of mine grows in really red so i have like a ginger beard do you have one little white hair in my mustache now oh sorry well i see it i forgot i forgot to look so if i if i play my cards right i could have fully normal hair and then a white mustache that'd be pretty baller that would be cool it feels like your mustache like when guys have like fully white hair it feels like their mustache sometimes is like the one thing that isn't right i want the inverse exactly only white mustache but

color colored hair and like a yeah top hat big sure maybe a big ass top hat to go with yeah i feel like that could work okay this is heartbreak in any language my heart is broken and you know it because i said that just now in english but let me tell you girl I feel like I'm struggling with the flow Heartbroken In every language Hit me with some ways to say it In other languages

Here's the thing is I only know two Let me hear those I'm heartbroken Corazon broken That's all I know Corazon is Broken Mal

Yeah No My heart Is Is Unfortunately And I don't speak French

But I don't understand French I don't understand French I'm a heart Brain Is oaken brain Oh that's a pig

Latin Broken heart Right there And in Germany It would be like Das ist ein Geichen Bricken

Brain Because it always sounds mean Even when you're saying I love you in German You're like I'm heartbroken in Canadian too I'm heartbroken eh I get to keep the house

Get out of my house Get out of my house Sorry I'm so sorry i like that's a little cool little yeah you put a little english on that put a little stank okay i'm worried that i hope this one is original i can't tell if i've already done this one or if one of you two has so let me know if this sounds too familiar we can do a different one you can break up with me but you can't unhit that guy with your car so she's trying to break up with

him and he's reminding her that they did a hit and run together and he's been keeping that secret for her. I don't think I've heard this one. That's a Black Mirror episode. It is? Fuck. No, no, no, that's fine though. We talked about that.

Still counts, most Black Mirror episodes are breakup songs. Oh yeah. You can leave me, but you cannot leave the damage that we did to that guy I think he was dead

best case he was dead because the worst case is like a I know what happened last summer I still know what

you did last summer I'm pretty sure that the movie franchise I know what you did last summer is exactly that plot where they hit a guy with their car and they drive away and then that guy comes back

and he kills the teens all one by one. Really? I'm not a hundred percent but I think that it is. But I think that it is. You cannot leave me. Well I guess that you can but you can't tell

anybody what we did with my Buick Encore. Because in this scenario you drive a Buick Encore Buick That's not a Buick That ain't a Buick That's the one I told him Do you guys have any more?

I have one but I want to end with it I have one more Do you have another one? No mine sucks I have Wait to Wash Your Pillow It's about a guy whose girlfriend just left him And he's going to wait to wash her pillowcase Because he doesn't want the smell of her to go away

I'm gonna wait to wash my pillows Cause I still want the scent of you I'm gonna wait to wash my toilet seat as well Cause I still kinda wanna smell your poo That's as good as that's gonna get. That's kinda cute. I don't know what you're gonna say cause I don't wanna wash away the taste of you.

they did a lot of blumpkin stuff blumpkin stuff it's in have you heard this have you ever gotten a blumpkin no do you know anyone that has is that like a real thing i doubt it i i don't think there were guys in college that say that they did i'm like there's no fucking way impossible they focus on both things at once no i i would get like you know how you can't sometimes uh i have bathroom problems or like if people are in the bathroom i can't go yeah like i get like stage fright well i probably yeah like i struggle to get hard when i'm peeing in general so i can't imagine did i see i'm the opposite problem where every time i get hit i shit when i was a when i was a little kid one of my sister's friends uh said that they were all

sitting there and one of the kids jokingly was like jack you ever gotten a boner and i go only when i poop which i guess in hindsight was kind of a weird question for a child yeah a grown man asked you that no like my sister's like early high school friend asked me when i was probably like fifth or sixth grade fourth or fifth grade that's i think that you ever get boners only when i poop only when i poop you're just dropping bombs and you just like walk out damn only when i poop that kid's awesome damn he was he absolutely dunked uh all right i have a i have a closer i would say this is a breakup song that doesn't exist but this is like a um this is uh from the perspective of uh a guy that you had just been dating on the apps

and it's from the perspective of a guy i'm the guy and you and i'm basically singing like my name is brian we met on the apps we texted back and forth for three weeks i'm cute and i'm six two did i mention that my wiener dog is a rescue we kind of hit it off so we agree to me uh i forget what i'll do right here but then we you took me to your favorite coffee place i think that we're a match we should go home together i went to michigan i majored in business also i'm very invested in the q anon conspiracy theory ah the democrats are lizard people they drink the blood of children for adrenochrome

the vaccine was fake they make you take it so they can put computer chips in your blood i don't know i haven't thought that one out all the way in bill gates spelled backwards is satan bill gates Spelled backwards as Satan, JFK Jr. is still alive. I don't have any more than that, but it's something like that. I just kind of like going on a random Tinder date with, like, a guy who's really into queuing on. Put the Q in cute. Come on. Cute to none.

Lukey, thank you so much for coming on. In a heartbeat for my boys. Guys, you flew. The first guy to ever fly from Chicago just to do the pun. Come on. And I won't be the last. I'm going to get Michael Jordan. We've got to get a lot.

Wait, how long are you in L.A. for? Only a couple days, and then I'm heading on up to Vancouver to do stand-up shows. Come on, baby. I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday night in Vancouver. I've never been up there. Have you been up there? No. I'm excited.

Are you here tomorrow night? I'm here tomorrow night. Should we play Cosmic Encounter? That would be absolutely kick-ass. I would love that. K.A.? I would die for that, actually. All right, yeah, let's do it.

Because now that I'm back in Chicago, I'm like, I wish I had my board game crew. And you live near me now. Or you're here near me. You don't have to drive like an hour to come play. I know. But I still would. Just because I might get a wild alien race. Like the tripler?

I might become tripler. The tripler. I promise you, you don't want to be around me when I'm the tripler. You do not want to be around him when he's the tripler. It is game over. You would hate that game. yeah that felt like um that felt like when i'm trying to get into my when i was trying to get into my dorm and like my two ras were having a conversation do not be caught around the trip

excuse me guys excuse me guys don't want to don't want to have to talk to you yep trying to get in there to jerk off it's kind of like my only only 15 minutes in between classes okay i know we're leaving but i was in a quad my freshman year and we it was one big room yeah and we had a jackoff schedule where i was like this is one hour a week where the room is mine this is luke's luke's chance to jopo this is my chance to jack i'll pass out jopo i only got caught one time and uh it was i was under the fully under the covers oh i've already told this story i was under the covers roommate walked in thought he was going to be quick so i just stayed under the covers and then he sat down and watched a full movie

that's all the time man did you did you i was just slipping up i was sitting there a penis covered in lotion covers all the way up to my chin watching a movie with him and then he left and then i got up and cleaned up did you did you finish no it ruined any it ruined any sexy movie at all no i think it was like yeah i got caught by my college roommate like i think maybe this is the worst way because i caught him accidentally multiple times he caught me having just shot a load all over my belly and so he catches me like my i'm like i like the mess is made and i'm like looking for tissues and that's when he came in and i'm just like hey man hey covered in my own fluids right now hey man i hope that you can respect that i'm absolutely

covered in my own poop yo hey can you pass me a tissue can you pass can you come here and suck up what can you come suck the juice out of my belly button we're cutting we're cutting all of that we love you guys so much lukey thank you for coming on good to be here guys have a great rest of your monday have a great tuesday and we'll see you bright and early for our wednesday episode